Suburban Commando (1991) - full transcript
Shep Ramsey is an interstellar hero, righting wrongs, etc. His ship is damaged after a fight with an interstellar nasty and he must hide out on Earth until it can recharge. He leaves his power suit at home, but still finds himself unable to allow wrongs to go unrighted and so mixes it up with bad drivers, offensive paperboys, muggers and the like. Then the family he's staying with finds his power suit and the father tries it on.
Rather disheartening,
isn't it, Mr. President?
All those taxpayer dollars...
poured into hardware,
and look where it gets you.
You might as well
have been feeding the hungry!
Yours will be my fourth
conquered world.
Don't count on it, Suitor.
But I already have.
Some wine?
I do wish you'd face facts
and tell your people to surrender!
No! I will not ask my people...
to give up everything they know
to serve a sadistic...
egotistical, homicidal maniac!
I don't think of myself
as egotistical.
Proud, maybe, but...
General Suitor, General Suitor!
Intruder, level five!
Ramsey.
Hold on!
Move, move!
Goin' up?
Let me give you a hand.
Goin' down.
Really, Shep, from you
I had expected something much better.
Stop!
He's mine.
It's been nice knowing you, Shep.
- There will be others.
- Goody, goody.
Hashina, run, run!
Negotiations have ended!
Bye now.
Intruder on level two!
Come on! Level out! Stabilize!
Stick with me! Come on!
Come on! Come on!
Yes! Yeah.
That a boy, that a boy.
Excellent work, Ramsey.
The Shiute System can now live...
without threat of annihilation
by General Suitor.
Millions are in your debt.
Great. So what's next?
Well, actually, with the evil general
out of the way, things are pretty quiet.
You gotta have
something on your books.
- Maybe a terrorist extermination?
- No.
- Galactic narc duty?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, how about a big bug hunt
with creatures that bleed acid?
Listen, Shep...
I don't know how to say this,
but lately, well...
you haven't been
quite the old Ramsey.
For instance, the old Ramsey would never
have let President Hashina get killed.
- Now wait a minute!
- That's all right.
I'm not blaming you.
Not your fault.
Simply that you've
been working too hard.
And anyone in your position
would be a little stressed out.
I'm not stressed out!
Shep? Shep, what have you done?
- Nothing.
- Yes, you have.
You have blown your power console.
Now this is what you do.
You land, lay low...
find a power source,
use your transformer and recharge...
no higher than.01 percent.
Anything more than that
would be traceable.
.01 percent? It'll take me
six weeks to recharge!
What am I gonna do
for six weeks?
Why don't you try relaxing?
Disappear, Shep. Blend in.
Get to know the locals.
- But I just...
- Consider it an order, Ramsey!
Six weeks.
What am I gonna do for six weeks?
Oh, no!
Earthlings.
I hate earthlings.
- Dad?
- Come on in, honey.
Mom says to tell you to go to work.
Please, Dad, get a grip.
Tell your mom I'll be right in.
Okay.
Oh, Charlie. Good. We gotta talk.
How are we gonna pay all these bills?
Charlie, I'm serious!
You've gotta ask for that raise.
Oh, now, honey,
it's just not that simple.
If I ask for it and I don't get it,
where does that leave us?
If I march in there and demand it,
I might find myself without a job.
Oh, honey, you always
play it so safe.
Once in a while, you just gotta get up
enough confidence and take a chance.
That's not fair.
I play it safe for you and the kids.
If it wasn't for that...
I can be daring when I want to be.
So can I.
Charlie, say it.
I will ask for a raise today, honey.
Thanks, honey.
I'm here to ask for a raise!
I'm tired of busting my butt
for this company...
only to be passed over
when promotions are being handed out!
- I deserve to be recognized.
- Sounds good to me, Wilcox.
Now all you have to do
is have the cojones...
to say it to your boss
instead of his secretary.
- Charlie, hey! How are you?
- I'm doing fine, sir.
- And how is that lovely wifeJulie?
- Jenny.
You're right. And two great kids.
Mark, 9. Theresa, 12.
Yeah, they're just...
- Still allergic to tuna?
- Yes, I suppose I am.
I know. Come on,
who knows you better than I do?
You're thinking to yourself...
"How does he care so much?
How does he care to check?"
I'll tell you how. People, Charlie.
People caring about people.
People giving to other people.
That's the way I choose to live.
Not being a taker.
What are those? The blueprints?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Charlie! Yes, yes!
These are adequate.
Adequate? I spent
the entire weekend on them.
- Really?
- I solved all the design problems.
- I recalculated the specs.
- Yes?
- I reinforced the foundations.
- Yes, I see that.
I even added a French arch.
Makes the entrance pop out dynamically.
Yes. Yes, it does.
Did I tell you I spent
the entire weekend on this?
Did I tell you I spent the entire
weekend with an incredible blonde?
- What I'm trying to say...
- I know what you're trying to say.
Come on, Charlie.
You had a stinko weekend.
That's because you're different
from those other draftsmen out there.
You know the type... sucking the money,
never giving, always taking.
Charlie, look at me.
Be with me now.
Come on now. Come on, boy.
You know you're different.
And lucky too. You know why?
Come on, you know why.
Sweating the details,
making the deadlines.
Come on. Living the dream, Charlie.
That's what counts.
Do you realize I envy you?
Here's the thing.
I have to give myself a little credit
for discovering your talent...
which is why I'd like to show you
something a little special right now.
Beautiful, aren't they? Not a single
internal blemish in any of them.
Do you know why?
I'll tell you why.
Pure cymian crystal. These awards
are my proudest possessions.
I really believe someday between your
talent and maybe a little help from me...
you're gonna find your own name
on one of those.
Believe me, that'll be worth more
than all the money in China.
- Tea.
- What?
- Tea in China.
- You're a detail man, Charlie.
That's why I like you, and that's
why my door is always open to you.
Of course, I suppose that
we've both got our work to do...
so if there's nothing else
right now...
- No, sir.
- Splendid.
Oh, look who's here. Welcome.
Just trying to rival that celebrated
Japanese sense of employee relations...
you people are born with,
or so it seems.
Mr. Zukaki says he's very impressed
with your knowledge of his culture.
Details, gentlemen, details.
That's why I think you're gonna like
my redesign of your plans.
Worked all weekend on them.
Even added a little French arch.
Seems to make the entrance
just pop out. Don't you think?
Strike out?
I didn't even get up to bat.
Earthlings.
Now, where'd I put
that transformer?
Come on, move it!
Let's go!
Damn it!
What are you doing? Huh?
What are you doing here?
What are you, huh?
Are you a deliverer?
Check him out!
- Wow!
- Did you see that guy?
Give me back my money!
- Excuse me.
- It took my money!
- There.
- Oh, great! Thank you.
- Get out of the way!
- All right!
Guess you don't shop off the rack
much, do you, huh, buddy?
Shut up, Ralph!
Stupid dog.
Yeah, what?
Ralph! Ralph!
Help me!
- Do you mind?
- It's your pain-in-the-butt neighbor.
- Hey, park across the street.
- Yeah, you big jerk.
Wake up, jerk!
Weak strategy, Wilcox.
Should've opened the door wider.
Always deal from strength.
They would've ripped
the door off, Colonel!
Not likely. They wouldn't want
to bruise their little hot rod.
Even if they did, it'd be worth it.
Let the little bastards eat some steel.
It's what you call
acceptable loss.
Your car door is one.
Your freedom is not!
Hi, honey.
Jenny? Been watching Baby Ruth
again today, dear?
Doctor Ruth!
I just thought you sounded
so sad on the phone...
maybe you needed
a little compassion.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but I'm just not in the mood.
Oh...
don't mention it.
- Thanks anyway.
- You're welcome.
I'm just too upset.
I mean, this was a horrible day.
All I want to do right now
is get out to the workshop...
pick up my hammer...
and hit things.
- What have you done?
- Well, l...
- What have you done!
- Now, don't fly off the handle.
Let me explain. I've converted the shed
into a rentable apartment.
See how it solves our problems?
Now you don't have to ask for a raise.
You can let things happen naturally,
like you like.
Now, honey,
don't take it so hard.
Your tools are still here.
See?
Now what?
Okay, okay!
All right, all right!
What?
I'm here to rent the apartment.
Honey, it's for you.
Hi.
I can't believe you
rented it out to that guy.
He's enormous,
and he's probably dangerous.
- Oh, Charlie.
- I'm serious.
If it comes right down to it, I probably
couldn't protect you against such a guy.
- What's so funny?
- Oh, well...
These yours?
Take your hands off my children!
- That was cool!
- Yeah. Can we do it again?
Okay, fine.
Everybody, dinner.
So, Mr. Ramsey, you're not
from around here, are you?
- No.
- Oh.
- Where are you from?
- France.
- How romantic!
- Ooh-la-la!
Is it okay to have more?
Oh, sure. Help yourself.
Oh, sorry about that.
Commander, we've got
a traceable power source.
- Can you pinpoint it?
- I'm working on it now, sir.
Ah, gentlemen,
you're just in time.
Here's our man. We're trying
to get a lock on him now.
We've lost it, sir.
Well, at least we know which side
of the universe to start on. Correct?
I'm sure you gentlemen know
what to do when you leave here.
Okay, okay. I've gotta deal with this.
I've gotta get a grip.
What the hell am I talking about,
"get a grip"?
Darth Vader living in my back house,
for Christ's sake.
Oh, it's all right. No big deal.
I can handle it.
Right after breakfast,
I'll go out there and tell him.
"Darth," I'll say,
"there's been a mistake.
You have to leave... now."
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Listen, Mr. Ramsey...
- Shep.
Okay, fine. Shep.
Listen, Shep, the thing is,
I'm gonna have to ask...
Come on, Dad!
Theresa's already in the car.
Christ!
I'll catch you later, Shep.
- Come on, Dad!
- I'm coming.
Bye, honey!
Oh, Mr. Ramsey!
No! It's Marsha!
- Marsha?
- Yes.
Marsha Warfield. A TV show.
I watch her every day.
It just so happens that today
is about screaming for health.
You know, to get out
all those internal tensions...
before it becomes mental stress.
Yeah. You wanna watch?
Stay down!
Oh, Mr. Ramsey, no!
No! No! It's the mailman.
Lady, don't you think you oughta cut
his caffeine intake down a little bit?
Oh, sorry.
- Bull's-eye, mister!
- Wait, Mr. Ramsey!
It's the paperboy.
Okay, I'm just
gonna go inside now...
and I'll see you later.
Bull's-eye, smart-ass!
- Hey, let's go see the big guy!
- Yeah, good idea. Let's go.
Hey, Mr. Ramsey,
why don't you try?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ah, geez! Even my mom
can stay on longer than that.
Great strength.
Piss-ass balance.
- And who are you?
- The 94th Fighting Beagles' commander.
Colonel Dustin "Dusty" McHowell,
United States Army.
You can call me Colonel.
- Who are you?
- Ramsey.
Shep Ramsey, Napaun First Class...
of the Secret Strike Force 119...
under the guidance
of Zanuck Vivian...
supreme doctorate of Rool,
through Vita 9.
Vita 9.
Things certainly have changed
since '44.
So he's trapped, see?
Knows he can't win.
What does he do? Right then
and there, old Mad Dog surrenders.
Surrenders the whole platoon.
Wouldn't you know, Shep.
In one week, there was no good
of the fighting force.
That's strategy. Sometimes
you gotta lose to win.
- Damn it! What the hell?
- Time for the Charlie Wilcox show.
That's not right.
Hey, Goldilocks! Do you got any idea
what these cars are worth?
Thirty thousand bucks! Do you got
any idea what we're gonna do to you...
if we find one itty-bitty
scratch on them? Any idea?
Let me guess.
You're gonna pound my face...
break every bone in my body...
then you're gonna drag me
across a gravel road...
and feed my remains to a warthog.
Is that about right?
What are you, nuts? This is the '90s.
We're gonna sue you.
We're gonna get you
for willful destruction of property...
- Yeah.
- Mental anguish...
- That's giving it to him!
- Loss of work hours.
When we get through with you, you ain't
gonna have a dime left to your name.
You'll be hearing
from our attorney.
What kind of world is this?
Hey, cool.
Hey, check it out.
Wanda lives there.
Mark, get out of the road!
Mark, you all right?
Whoa! Wow!
Rad! What is that?
- Hey!
- Shut up!
- Cool it, man!
- You're crazy!
Yeah!
Don't! Don't!
Shep, don't, don't! No, no, don't!
It's okay. Shep, don't.
Let's go back to the house.
Come on.
Shep, this is for you...
in appreciation of everything
you've done for us...
and especially
for saving our son Mark.
- Do y'all eat this stuff?
- Yeah, it's great.
It's chocolate cake. Oh.
Charlie, get a picture of this.
Hurry, quick!
Set the timer.
- Hurry.
- Okay.
Quick. Okay. Cheese.
Hey! Hey, come back here,
you little weasel!
Hey, stop him!
Somebody, help!
Help! Is anybody there?
Somebody stole my purse!
Ma'am.
Thank you.
Stand back.
You are too close.
Stand back.
You are too close.
This is your last warning.
Back off now.
Wait, please. My mistake.
You can stand as close as you want.
In fact, take the car.
No, please, wait, no!
Let's talk about this.
No, please...
Oh, Lord, I've fallen,
and I can't get up.
It must be a K-7 force field.
Don't worry.
I'll break you out of there.
Glad I could help.
Maybe I should stick to juggling.
Power crystals 70 percent
below operational.
Approximately 21 Earth days
to full recharge.
You are stuck here.
Whoa.
No way you're winning the galaxy
this time, dragons!
Oh, no, he's dodged my deflectors!
- Use your phasers!
- I can't! I'm in hyperspace!
- Then launch photon torpedoes.
- You're crazy!
Dragons absorb photons
to get more power!
Impossible. I thought
only Zennites could do that.
- My shields are failing!
- Try boosting your injectors.
They're out!
I'm doomed! It's over!
It's never over!
Forget it!
No one can defeat dragons!
That's what they said about
General Suitor. Give it up, dragons!
Give it up! Give it up!
Give it up, dragons!
Give it up!
Wow!
You did it!
You just saved the galaxy!
- So, you must play this game a lot.
- Game?
What game?
- Hey, let me give you a hand.
- No!
- Really, l...
- I insist.
Glad I could help again.
That's it.
I'm staying in nights.
Muscle amplifier.
X-ray glasses.
Wow.
Please help me!
- I told you she's with me, man.
- Ow, help me!
- Come here, baby.
- Ouch!
Oh, God, help!
Let the woman go!
What in the hell
are you supposed to be?
I said, let the woman go!
I have the strength of ten men!
I can hurt you!
And I bet you can stop
bullets too, huh?
No, no, no, wait, wait.
Please, please. Let's talk.
Now I suggest that you
let the woman...
It's a giant turtle.
That's what the hell it is.
Oh, God! Help! Ouch!
Come on, Annie!
Oh, God!
Oh, thank you.
You saved my life.
If there's anything I can do for you,
anything at all...
Doing good... is its own reward.
Quiet!
Hey!
What?
My cat! My cat!
That's not my cat!
Oh.
I hate suburbia.
Well, you know, you have to be choosy
this time of year.
That's if you want a ripe melon.
- Ripe ones are the best ones?
- Well, of course they are.
There is nothing more tasty
than a ripe melon.
How do you know which ones
are the ripe ones?
Well, you have to squeeze it a bit.
And the softer the better,
I always say.
Wow! I found a good one.
- Hey, buddy, let me give you a hand.
- Hey, it's just a gag!
You can have the rope.
Leave me alone!
Get outta here!
You're crazy!
Magnify out.
Again.
Bounty hunters.
- Where's Charlie Wilcox?
- In a meeting.
Can't be disturbed.
Leave a message or take a seat.
I said, take a seat!
My, what a big one!
Oh, funny!
That's real funny!
- Put that down! Shame on you!
- I am so happy.
Please tell them how happy I am.
You can do that, can't you?
It's here!
Wonderful! Do you like it?
It's for our new mini mall.
If you don't like it, we'll lose it.
All right, off you go now.
Time to get ready for the big party.
Bye-bye. See you later.
Save it for your lunch hour,
huh, Marge?
All right, Charlie,
here's what I need from you now.
I know you'll come through for me.
A set of finished blueprints...
the lobby, the penthouse, whatever you
think will impress ourJapanese friends.
- And I need them tonight.
- Tonight?
Now there's an echo. Yes, tonight.
Come on. It's tough, but so are you.
Doing a big bash for the new clients.
Your blueprints are gonna seal the deal.
- But l...
- But-But-But... Now you're a motorbike.
You can do it, Charlie. I know you can.
You're the one, the man, the king.
Astonish me. Oh, and by the way,
don't forget to include...
all the little details, the make up
the bells, the trademark.
One more thing. Why are you still here?
You should be going, working.
Time is money. Go, go, go.
- Where's my N-210 Aldaryzer?
- Your what?
- Did you follow me to my ship?
- Yes.
- Did you sneak inside?
- Well, l...
Did you fool with my stuff?
Where's my N-210 Aldaryzer?
- All right, drop him, Kong!
- It's okay, Margie.
This is a friend of mine.
Well, then take it outside.
Maintenance has enough work to do
without your blood on the carpet.
- Okay, let's go.
- Where are we going?
- To where you saved this girl.
- I can't go now. I'm working.
I've got a deadline to meet.
What's your hurry?
Get out of the way.
Come on, let's go.
Ruthless interplanetary killers...
with the deadliest high-tech
weaponry in existence...
may be on their way here right now
because of you.
Me? What did I do?
The weapons, the suit...
Their power sources can be traced.
When you turned them on,
it was like sending up a flare.
- Shep, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
- You didn't ask.
You said "maybe,"
that they "may" find their way here.
They may not get an exact fix.
It could pass us right by.
If no more flares are sent up.
That's why we gotta get that
N-2 thingy back, right?
Right.
This is where I was shot.
This is where I fell over.
There's where I crash-landed.
- And you saved this girl?
- Yes, I saved a girl.
Wait a minute!
We can find them with this. It zeroes in
on the gun's electronic signal.
A homing device. Great! Why didn't we
just use this in the first place?
Shut up!
Let's go.
Take a right, Charlie.
- Okay, now step on it.
- Shep, this is illegal!
- Watch it!
- Take another right, right here.
Turn. Good.
Hey, are you crazy?
Left, left! Okay.
Take another right here, Charlie.
- What are you slowing down for?
- Whoa!
- We made it.
- Come on, Charlie.
Take a left
right here in the driveway.
- Is he dead?
- Temporarily immobilized.
He'll thaw out in about 20 minutes,
with a bad headache.
- Let's go.
- Wow! A freeze gun.
Hey, just a minute!
No skimming from the top!
Idle out, will ya? I'm the one
who found that thing, remember?
Yeah, but I'm the one that
figured out how the thing works!
And I'm the one that wants
the thing back now!
Shep, watch out!
Gotcha!
Antifreeze.
- You were right about that headache.
- It'll pass.
At least you got
your N-2 thingy back.
Now you can rest easy.
Yeah, sure.
Except for one thing.
They're here!
Who's here?
A couple of leeches that make their
living off the blood of others.
- Investment bankers?
- Bounty hunters.
Bounty hunters?
You mean from up there?
Wait a minute.
Bounty hunters?
- You said you were one of the good guys.
- I am!
There was this evil tyrant named Suitor.
Planned to rule the universe.
Had a lot of devoted followers. Swore
they'd follow him, even after death.
I gave them the chance.
So, you're some kind
of space warrior, right?
From where?
I mean, do you belong
to some kind of an army?
Or do you just go around doing good
like some kind of superhero?
Hey, this isn't a cultural powwow here.
The killers are loose on your streets.
Ten minutes listening to your ice cream
trucks, and they'll level this town.
Can they do that?
Yeah.
Hey, dudes,
welcome to Surfin'Burger.
How about the big
Big Gnarly Burger?
We got the Wipeout Burger.
We got the Dude Burger.
We got the Hang Ten Burger
and the Totally Awesome Burger.
Hang on, you guys!
You just got married!
Whoa! This is cool!
You two are so cute together.
We got the special Honeymoon Burger...
forjust newlyweds like yourselves.
How are you gonna get
this thing out of here?
Vertical blast.
- Are you sure it'll work?
- Shut up!
Well, then, Shep,
I guess this is good-bye.
I don't do good-byes, Charlie.
Oh, no! Down!
- That's it, then.
- That's what?
We have to fight.
- We?
- We!
I'm setting you up with a decoy.
This suit can take two direct hits.
Two?
You'll draw their fire
while I counterattack.
Try this.
I don't think so.
Look, I'm just your landlord.
I bring you an extra bar of soap
when you need it...
perhaps help stop
the occasional bank robbery.
Being the target for intergalactic
bounty hunters is out of my line!
Listen, little man,
it's your fault they're here.
- My fault?
- Yeah.
You came to my house trying to
pass yourself off as an earthling!
How the hell was I supposed to know
you were some sort of alien Rambo...
with psycho enemies?
What kind of a man are you anyway?
Your planet, your family.
Exactly!
My planet, my family were fine...
before you brought your
intergalactic grudge match here.
You're the one who's put them in danger!
All these guys want is you!
Christ!
I was frozen today!
Okay.
You win.
It's not your fight.
Shep, I'd help you any way I could, but
you can't expect a man with a family...
Forget it.
It was a million-to-one shot anyway.
I'll fight 'em myself.
If I lose, at least
they'll leave your planet.
They'll have to take my body back
for the reward anyway.
Does it have to be that way?
Unless you can tell me where I can find
about 40 pounds of cymian crystal.
Beltz!
- Go get him.
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Hors d'oeuvres?
Well, hey, if it isn't
Fred and Barney.
Did you two boys patch up
your little differences?
Yes, thanks.
I don't believe I caught
your friend's name the other day.
- Shep.
- He's from out of town.
Don't they have parties
where you come from?
- Not like this one.
- I know. Dull, huh?
Football. That's my idea
of a night out.
Football?
Oh, yeah.
What could be better than a bunch
of beefy, burly boys...
beating the crap out of each other,
trying to score?
Being a burly boy.
- Where did you say you were from?
- Listen, Margie.
I promised Shep
I'd show him my office.
Your office?
- What'd you do that for?
- The crystals. The universe.
Remember?
You know, I spend more time saving
worlds than I do living in them.
Sometimes I wonder why.
You've got everything, Charlie.
So I said to the president,
"Hey, look...
I just build the S&Ls,
I don't run 'em."
Tell him.
How's the champagne?
A little more champagne?
How 'bout a round of kamikazes?
Just special for tonight.
Tell him. Tell him that.
Damn.
There should be a key
around here somewhere.
Of course.
Here we go.
Fifty pounds of cymian crystal.
Thanks. You've been a great help.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
- Wait! They must be in the building.
- Where?
You know this device
could be traced?
- A calculated risk.
- Yeah.
Got 'em. They're upstairs
in the new wing.
Let's go.
By the way,
do you like it in here?
It's finished.
I'm kidding. This is the way
his building's gonna look.
These are all jokes.
Anyway, take a look, seriously.
Over here, fellas.
See that space? That's how confident
I am about this project.
I'm unveiling it at the signing.
Get 'em out of here.
Mr. Zukaki is very impressed
by your... style.
Right back at him. You too.
Wilcox!
Wonderful.
Just the man I wanted to see.
He's the best, and with a little help
and guidance, one of the very best.
Did you make the alterations
I specified?
Yes, yes, yes.
I left them down in the car.
- Why the car?
- I'll go bring them to your office.
Good. Splendid. One more thing.
Will I be astonished?
- I think so.
- I almost kissed you, but I wouldn't.
Good. Go.
Ready, everyone?
Off to the party. Here we go.
One, two, one, two. That's good.
Size order. It's important.
Hold it right there!
Boys, boys, boys.
Now, why don't you
put that back where it belongs?
Bounty hunters!
Let's get out of here!
Tag. You're it.
You know, for a big guy,
you're kind of light on your feet.
Have a nice flight,
camel breath.
Talk about cheap construction.
What is that?
Get your foot out of my face!
What is this, a tag team?
You're a dead man, Ramsey.
No wonder you guys never talk.
Game over. You lose.
Have you been to the Tar Pits?
Really a must-see.
They're right out there.
Mr. Zukaki requests that you
explain the plans to him now.
Wonderful. Who, me?
All right, sir.
Gets a little technical.
I hope you follow here.
We feel... and I'll go the distance
with you on this one.
We feel very strongly that
the building should have floors...
and that's, of course,
one per level.
It goes without saying that one man's
floor is another man's ceiling.
That's why, in order to keep them
separate, we're recommending walls.
Why don't you just let me
take you to a doctor?
You don't have to leave right away.
You just waxed the enemy.
- Why don't you...
- No, it's all right.
You said you spend all your time saving
worlds without ever living in them.
This is your chance
to live in one.
You said I put your planet
and family in danger...
with this interplanetary
grudge match.
You were right.
I'm leaving before others come.
Yes, but, Shep...
Charlie, do me a favor.
Go back to my place
and make sure I've got everything.
I don't want to risk leaving even one
of those traceable devices behind.
Okay.
And, Charlie...
thanks.
Jenny?
- Oh, Charlie!
- Daddy!
What's the matter...
Who are you?
What do you want?
General Suitor, at your service.
Suitor?
You're supposed to be dead.
I'm so sorry to disappoint.
And you, I take it,
are the partner.
Partner? Charlie,
what's he talking about?
I was trying to help Shep escape
some intergalactic bounty hunters.
See, Shep's an alien warrior...
who foiled this man's attempt
at ruling the universe.
Charlie, this is serious!
Yes, Charlie, this is...
serious.
Perfect timing.
- I'm sorry, Shep. I had no choice.
- I said I don't do good-byes.
- But I insisted.
- Suitor!
Did you think I was so stupid...
not to have planned
for every contingency?
There were many gunnery bubbles
on that ship, you know.
Help! Help!
Get over there. Get over there!
Move!
Move!
This endless cat-and-mouse
grows tiresome, Ramsey.
I suggest you come out here now...
unless you want
this happy little group...
melted to the ground!
If it'd end your career,
it'd be worth it.
Bad bluff, Ramsey.
You see, I know something.
You actually care...
for these creatures.
You're wrong.
They mean nothing to me.
Mom, help!
Please, let her go!
You've got ten seconds to come out
with your hands up, Ramsey...
before you see the inside
of this beautiful child's head.
Ten seconds!
Sometimes
you gotta lose to win.
Warning. Self-destruct mechanism
has been activated.
- That wasn't the deal.
- Here's the deal.
First you let them go.
Then do whatever you want with me.
I won't even put up a fight.
You think I'm a fool?
Why should I believe you?
Because I, unlike you,
am as good as my word.
How quaint.
Well, I'll let them go. I didn't
come here to swat at flies.
Get them out of here, Charlie, now!
Hurry.
This is pleasant!
I've dreamed about this moment
ever since you blew up my ship.
I didn't like that.
How fitting then...
that your death
will be the catalyst...
that starts my rebuilding...
to ultimate power!
So this is how you're gonna do me in...
by boring me to death with speeches.
Oh, unfortunately for you...
you're going to die...
much... more...
painfully.
I'm going back to help.
I can't let you do that.
Shep could've taken that guy out
back there, but he didn't... for us.
- We can't just leave him there to die.
- You might get yourself killed.
Listen, this is something
I have got to do.
Be careful.
We need you.
This is much more fun...
than I had imagined.
So few things in life...
live up to expectations...
don't you find?
I wonder how killing you...
is going to feel.
Shep!
Forget it!
He is finished.
But you...
you are just starting.
You son of a bitch!
You stupid little man!
What do you hope to do to me?
To me...
the almighty Suitor?
Why, I could crush your neck...
Charlie, no!
With my bare hands...
Charlie, get out of here now!
Oh, my God! Charlie!
Look!
What happened?
Is the world saved?
Oh, Charlie,
you are all right.
He took on Suitor all by himself...
with his bare hands.
He's some kind of guy.
Oh, Charlie, you are the finest man
I have ever known.
But if you ever do anything
like this again...
I'll kill you!
- Way to go, Dad.
- You're the greatest.
Give up?
It was Raymond Burr in Godzilla.
Nick Adams was in Rodan.
Mothra, another classic,
by the way...
Wilcox!
This better be good.
Make it good, make it fast.
We've been up all night. Zukaki's
about to take his business elsewhere.
I'm running out ofJapanese movies,
so just explain your incompetence!
My incompetence?
Is that what you've been telling them?
I told them what's good for the company.
Be a man and accept the responsibility.
I'm the one who's been saving your butt
for the last three years!
You want somebody to talk to
Mr. Zukaki about incompetence...
do it yourself!
You're the expert.
I quit!
Wilcox!
Charlie!
Chuck?
Coffee?
Hey, dude, how 'bout a Bomb Pop?
- Hey, you leaving?
- Leaving?
- Bad guys beat?
- The galaxy's saved.
No loose ends, then.
Hey, look! It's the giant!
Well, maybe one loose end.
Hey, man, I just got that!
Use his!
- Radical!
- Pure luck!
- Was not!
- Was!
So what?
My mom did that last week.
He's going for
a full-on handstand!
- No way!
- Way.
Tell your mom to keep practicing.
Aw, man!
My last board.
Take mine.
Cowabunga, dude!
Are you sure?
- You want me to change my mind?
- Heck, no!
- Well, get out of here.
- Can I ride it?
No, he gave it to me!
I have to save the galaxy!
Again?
My cat.
Are you sure?
Positive?
Bad kitty!
Thanks.
Get a goldfish.
- So what are you going to do now?
- Something will turn up.
Life's too short
not to take a chance.
Maybe I'll become
an intergalactic warrior.
Yeah, and maybe I'll
become a family man.
All right, E.T.,
ready for blast off.
Purely educational.
Well, I'd better get going.
You never know who's out there trying
to retrieve this hunk of hardware.
Right.
So...
Well, have a nice flight.
Hey, Charlie.
Too good to say good-bye?
Good-bye, Shep.
Good-bye, Charlie.
- See you around.
- See you around, Charlie.
- Good-bye, Mr. Ramsey!
- Bye, Shep!
isn't it, Mr. President?
All those taxpayer dollars...
poured into hardware,
and look where it gets you.
You might as well
have been feeding the hungry!
Yours will be my fourth
conquered world.
Don't count on it, Suitor.
But I already have.
Some wine?
I do wish you'd face facts
and tell your people to surrender!
No! I will not ask my people...
to give up everything they know
to serve a sadistic...
egotistical, homicidal maniac!
I don't think of myself
as egotistical.
Proud, maybe, but...
General Suitor, General Suitor!
Intruder, level five!
Ramsey.
Hold on!
Move, move!
Goin' up?
Let me give you a hand.
Goin' down.
Really, Shep, from you
I had expected something much better.
Stop!
He's mine.
It's been nice knowing you, Shep.
- There will be others.
- Goody, goody.
Hashina, run, run!
Negotiations have ended!
Bye now.
Intruder on level two!
Come on! Level out! Stabilize!
Stick with me! Come on!
Come on! Come on!
Yes! Yeah.
That a boy, that a boy.
Excellent work, Ramsey.
The Shiute System can now live...
without threat of annihilation
by General Suitor.
Millions are in your debt.
Great. So what's next?
Well, actually, with the evil general
out of the way, things are pretty quiet.
You gotta have
something on your books.
- Maybe a terrorist extermination?
- No.
- Galactic narc duty?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, how about a big bug hunt
with creatures that bleed acid?
Listen, Shep...
I don't know how to say this,
but lately, well...
you haven't been
quite the old Ramsey.
For instance, the old Ramsey would never
have let President Hashina get killed.
- Now wait a minute!
- That's all right.
I'm not blaming you.
Not your fault.
Simply that you've
been working too hard.
And anyone in your position
would be a little stressed out.
I'm not stressed out!
Shep? Shep, what have you done?
- Nothing.
- Yes, you have.
You have blown your power console.
Now this is what you do.
You land, lay low...
find a power source,
use your transformer and recharge...
no higher than.01 percent.
Anything more than that
would be traceable.
.01 percent? It'll take me
six weeks to recharge!
What am I gonna do
for six weeks?
Why don't you try relaxing?
Disappear, Shep. Blend in.
Get to know the locals.
- But I just...
- Consider it an order, Ramsey!
Six weeks.
What am I gonna do for six weeks?
Oh, no!
Earthlings.
I hate earthlings.
- Dad?
- Come on in, honey.
Mom says to tell you to go to work.
Please, Dad, get a grip.
Tell your mom I'll be right in.
Okay.
Oh, Charlie. Good. We gotta talk.
How are we gonna pay all these bills?
Charlie, I'm serious!
You've gotta ask for that raise.
Oh, now, honey,
it's just not that simple.
If I ask for it and I don't get it,
where does that leave us?
If I march in there and demand it,
I might find myself without a job.
Oh, honey, you always
play it so safe.
Once in a while, you just gotta get up
enough confidence and take a chance.
That's not fair.
I play it safe for you and the kids.
If it wasn't for that...
I can be daring when I want to be.
So can I.
Charlie, say it.
I will ask for a raise today, honey.
Thanks, honey.
I'm here to ask for a raise!
I'm tired of busting my butt
for this company...
only to be passed over
when promotions are being handed out!
- I deserve to be recognized.
- Sounds good to me, Wilcox.
Now all you have to do
is have the cojones...
to say it to your boss
instead of his secretary.
- Charlie, hey! How are you?
- I'm doing fine, sir.
- And how is that lovely wifeJulie?
- Jenny.
You're right. And two great kids.
Mark, 9. Theresa, 12.
Yeah, they're just...
- Still allergic to tuna?
- Yes, I suppose I am.
I know. Come on,
who knows you better than I do?
You're thinking to yourself...
"How does he care so much?
How does he care to check?"
I'll tell you how. People, Charlie.
People caring about people.
People giving to other people.
That's the way I choose to live.
Not being a taker.
What are those? The blueprints?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Charlie! Yes, yes!
These are adequate.
Adequate? I spent
the entire weekend on them.
- Really?
- I solved all the design problems.
- I recalculated the specs.
- Yes?
- I reinforced the foundations.
- Yes, I see that.
I even added a French arch.
Makes the entrance pop out dynamically.
Yes. Yes, it does.
Did I tell you I spent
the entire weekend on this?
Did I tell you I spent the entire
weekend with an incredible blonde?
- What I'm trying to say...
- I know what you're trying to say.
Come on, Charlie.
You had a stinko weekend.
That's because you're different
from those other draftsmen out there.
You know the type... sucking the money,
never giving, always taking.
Charlie, look at me.
Be with me now.
Come on now. Come on, boy.
You know you're different.
And lucky too. You know why?
Come on, you know why.
Sweating the details,
making the deadlines.
Come on. Living the dream, Charlie.
That's what counts.
Do you realize I envy you?
Here's the thing.
I have to give myself a little credit
for discovering your talent...
which is why I'd like to show you
something a little special right now.
Beautiful, aren't they? Not a single
internal blemish in any of them.
Do you know why?
I'll tell you why.
Pure cymian crystal. These awards
are my proudest possessions.
I really believe someday between your
talent and maybe a little help from me...
you're gonna find your own name
on one of those.
Believe me, that'll be worth more
than all the money in China.
- Tea.
- What?
- Tea in China.
- You're a detail man, Charlie.
That's why I like you, and that's
why my door is always open to you.
Of course, I suppose that
we've both got our work to do...
so if there's nothing else
right now...
- No, sir.
- Splendid.
Oh, look who's here. Welcome.
Just trying to rival that celebrated
Japanese sense of employee relations...
you people are born with,
or so it seems.
Mr. Zukaki says he's very impressed
with your knowledge of his culture.
Details, gentlemen, details.
That's why I think you're gonna like
my redesign of your plans.
Worked all weekend on them.
Even added a little French arch.
Seems to make the entrance
just pop out. Don't you think?
Strike out?
I didn't even get up to bat.
Earthlings.
Now, where'd I put
that transformer?
Come on, move it!
Let's go!
Damn it!
What are you doing? Huh?
What are you doing here?
What are you, huh?
Are you a deliverer?
Check him out!
- Wow!
- Did you see that guy?
Give me back my money!
- Excuse me.
- It took my money!
- There.
- Oh, great! Thank you.
- Get out of the way!
- All right!
Guess you don't shop off the rack
much, do you, huh, buddy?
Shut up, Ralph!
Stupid dog.
Yeah, what?
Ralph! Ralph!
Help me!
- Do you mind?
- It's your pain-in-the-butt neighbor.
- Hey, park across the street.
- Yeah, you big jerk.
Wake up, jerk!
Weak strategy, Wilcox.
Should've opened the door wider.
Always deal from strength.
They would've ripped
the door off, Colonel!
Not likely. They wouldn't want
to bruise their little hot rod.
Even if they did, it'd be worth it.
Let the little bastards eat some steel.
It's what you call
acceptable loss.
Your car door is one.
Your freedom is not!
Hi, honey.
Jenny? Been watching Baby Ruth
again today, dear?
Doctor Ruth!
I just thought you sounded
so sad on the phone...
maybe you needed
a little compassion.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but I'm just not in the mood.
Oh...
don't mention it.
- Thanks anyway.
- You're welcome.
I'm just too upset.
I mean, this was a horrible day.
All I want to do right now
is get out to the workshop...
pick up my hammer...
and hit things.
- What have you done?
- Well, l...
- What have you done!
- Now, don't fly off the handle.
Let me explain. I've converted the shed
into a rentable apartment.
See how it solves our problems?
Now you don't have to ask for a raise.
You can let things happen naturally,
like you like.
Now, honey,
don't take it so hard.
Your tools are still here.
See?
Now what?
Okay, okay!
All right, all right!
What?
I'm here to rent the apartment.
Honey, it's for you.
Hi.
I can't believe you
rented it out to that guy.
He's enormous,
and he's probably dangerous.
- Oh, Charlie.
- I'm serious.
If it comes right down to it, I probably
couldn't protect you against such a guy.
- What's so funny?
- Oh, well...
These yours?
Take your hands off my children!
- That was cool!
- Yeah. Can we do it again?
Okay, fine.
Everybody, dinner.
So, Mr. Ramsey, you're not
from around here, are you?
- No.
- Oh.
- Where are you from?
- France.
- How romantic!
- Ooh-la-la!
Is it okay to have more?
Oh, sure. Help yourself.
Oh, sorry about that.
Commander, we've got
a traceable power source.
- Can you pinpoint it?
- I'm working on it now, sir.
Ah, gentlemen,
you're just in time.
Here's our man. We're trying
to get a lock on him now.
We've lost it, sir.
Well, at least we know which side
of the universe to start on. Correct?
I'm sure you gentlemen know
what to do when you leave here.
Okay, okay. I've gotta deal with this.
I've gotta get a grip.
What the hell am I talking about,
"get a grip"?
Darth Vader living in my back house,
for Christ's sake.
Oh, it's all right. No big deal.
I can handle it.
Right after breakfast,
I'll go out there and tell him.
"Darth," I'll say,
"there's been a mistake.
You have to leave... now."
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Listen, Mr. Ramsey...
- Shep.
Okay, fine. Shep.
Listen, Shep, the thing is,
I'm gonna have to ask...
Come on, Dad!
Theresa's already in the car.
Christ!
I'll catch you later, Shep.
- Come on, Dad!
- I'm coming.
Bye, honey!
Oh, Mr. Ramsey!
No! It's Marsha!
- Marsha?
- Yes.
Marsha Warfield. A TV show.
I watch her every day.
It just so happens that today
is about screaming for health.
You know, to get out
all those internal tensions...
before it becomes mental stress.
Yeah. You wanna watch?
Stay down!
Oh, Mr. Ramsey, no!
No! No! It's the mailman.
Lady, don't you think you oughta cut
his caffeine intake down a little bit?
Oh, sorry.
- Bull's-eye, mister!
- Wait, Mr. Ramsey!
It's the paperboy.
Okay, I'm just
gonna go inside now...
and I'll see you later.
Bull's-eye, smart-ass!
- Hey, let's go see the big guy!
- Yeah, good idea. Let's go.
Hey, Mr. Ramsey,
why don't you try?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ah, geez! Even my mom
can stay on longer than that.
Great strength.
Piss-ass balance.
- And who are you?
- The 94th Fighting Beagles' commander.
Colonel Dustin "Dusty" McHowell,
United States Army.
You can call me Colonel.
- Who are you?
- Ramsey.
Shep Ramsey, Napaun First Class...
of the Secret Strike Force 119...
under the guidance
of Zanuck Vivian...
supreme doctorate of Rool,
through Vita 9.
Vita 9.
Things certainly have changed
since '44.
So he's trapped, see?
Knows he can't win.
What does he do? Right then
and there, old Mad Dog surrenders.
Surrenders the whole platoon.
Wouldn't you know, Shep.
In one week, there was no good
of the fighting force.
That's strategy. Sometimes
you gotta lose to win.
- Damn it! What the hell?
- Time for the Charlie Wilcox show.
That's not right.
Hey, Goldilocks! Do you got any idea
what these cars are worth?
Thirty thousand bucks! Do you got
any idea what we're gonna do to you...
if we find one itty-bitty
scratch on them? Any idea?
Let me guess.
You're gonna pound my face...
break every bone in my body...
then you're gonna drag me
across a gravel road...
and feed my remains to a warthog.
Is that about right?
What are you, nuts? This is the '90s.
We're gonna sue you.
We're gonna get you
for willful destruction of property...
- Yeah.
- Mental anguish...
- That's giving it to him!
- Loss of work hours.
When we get through with you, you ain't
gonna have a dime left to your name.
You'll be hearing
from our attorney.
What kind of world is this?
Hey, cool.
Hey, check it out.
Wanda lives there.
Mark, get out of the road!
Mark, you all right?
Whoa! Wow!
Rad! What is that?
- Hey!
- Shut up!
- Cool it, man!
- You're crazy!
Yeah!
Don't! Don't!
Shep, don't, don't! No, no, don't!
It's okay. Shep, don't.
Let's go back to the house.
Come on.
Shep, this is for you...
in appreciation of everything
you've done for us...
and especially
for saving our son Mark.
- Do y'all eat this stuff?
- Yeah, it's great.
It's chocolate cake. Oh.
Charlie, get a picture of this.
Hurry, quick!
Set the timer.
- Hurry.
- Okay.
Quick. Okay. Cheese.
Hey! Hey, come back here,
you little weasel!
Hey, stop him!
Somebody, help!
Help! Is anybody there?
Somebody stole my purse!
Ma'am.
Thank you.
Stand back.
You are too close.
Stand back.
You are too close.
This is your last warning.
Back off now.
Wait, please. My mistake.
You can stand as close as you want.
In fact, take the car.
No, please, wait, no!
Let's talk about this.
No, please...
Oh, Lord, I've fallen,
and I can't get up.
It must be a K-7 force field.
Don't worry.
I'll break you out of there.
Glad I could help.
Maybe I should stick to juggling.
Power crystals 70 percent
below operational.
Approximately 21 Earth days
to full recharge.
You are stuck here.
Whoa.
No way you're winning the galaxy
this time, dragons!
Oh, no, he's dodged my deflectors!
- Use your phasers!
- I can't! I'm in hyperspace!
- Then launch photon torpedoes.
- You're crazy!
Dragons absorb photons
to get more power!
Impossible. I thought
only Zennites could do that.
- My shields are failing!
- Try boosting your injectors.
They're out!
I'm doomed! It's over!
It's never over!
Forget it!
No one can defeat dragons!
That's what they said about
General Suitor. Give it up, dragons!
Give it up! Give it up!
Give it up, dragons!
Give it up!
Wow!
You did it!
You just saved the galaxy!
- So, you must play this game a lot.
- Game?
What game?
- Hey, let me give you a hand.
- No!
- Really, l...
- I insist.
Glad I could help again.
That's it.
I'm staying in nights.
Muscle amplifier.
X-ray glasses.
Wow.
Please help me!
- I told you she's with me, man.
- Ow, help me!
- Come here, baby.
- Ouch!
Oh, God, help!
Let the woman go!
What in the hell
are you supposed to be?
I said, let the woman go!
I have the strength of ten men!
I can hurt you!
And I bet you can stop
bullets too, huh?
No, no, no, wait, wait.
Please, please. Let's talk.
Now I suggest that you
let the woman...
It's a giant turtle.
That's what the hell it is.
Oh, God! Help! Ouch!
Come on, Annie!
Oh, God!
Oh, thank you.
You saved my life.
If there's anything I can do for you,
anything at all...
Doing good... is its own reward.
Quiet!
Hey!
What?
My cat! My cat!
That's not my cat!
Oh.
I hate suburbia.
Well, you know, you have to be choosy
this time of year.
That's if you want a ripe melon.
- Ripe ones are the best ones?
- Well, of course they are.
There is nothing more tasty
than a ripe melon.
How do you know which ones
are the ripe ones?
Well, you have to squeeze it a bit.
And the softer the better,
I always say.
Wow! I found a good one.
- Hey, buddy, let me give you a hand.
- Hey, it's just a gag!
You can have the rope.
Leave me alone!
Get outta here!
You're crazy!
Magnify out.
Again.
Bounty hunters.
- Where's Charlie Wilcox?
- In a meeting.
Can't be disturbed.
Leave a message or take a seat.
I said, take a seat!
My, what a big one!
Oh, funny!
That's real funny!
- Put that down! Shame on you!
- I am so happy.
Please tell them how happy I am.
You can do that, can't you?
It's here!
Wonderful! Do you like it?
It's for our new mini mall.
If you don't like it, we'll lose it.
All right, off you go now.
Time to get ready for the big party.
Bye-bye. See you later.
Save it for your lunch hour,
huh, Marge?
All right, Charlie,
here's what I need from you now.
I know you'll come through for me.
A set of finished blueprints...
the lobby, the penthouse, whatever you
think will impress ourJapanese friends.
- And I need them tonight.
- Tonight?
Now there's an echo. Yes, tonight.
Come on. It's tough, but so are you.
Doing a big bash for the new clients.
Your blueprints are gonna seal the deal.
- But l...
- But-But-But... Now you're a motorbike.
You can do it, Charlie. I know you can.
You're the one, the man, the king.
Astonish me. Oh, and by the way,
don't forget to include...
all the little details, the make up
the bells, the trademark.
One more thing. Why are you still here?
You should be going, working.
Time is money. Go, go, go.
- Where's my N-210 Aldaryzer?
- Your what?
- Did you follow me to my ship?
- Yes.
- Did you sneak inside?
- Well, l...
Did you fool with my stuff?
Where's my N-210 Aldaryzer?
- All right, drop him, Kong!
- It's okay, Margie.
This is a friend of mine.
Well, then take it outside.
Maintenance has enough work to do
without your blood on the carpet.
- Okay, let's go.
- Where are we going?
- To where you saved this girl.
- I can't go now. I'm working.
I've got a deadline to meet.
What's your hurry?
Get out of the way.
Come on, let's go.
Ruthless interplanetary killers...
with the deadliest high-tech
weaponry in existence...
may be on their way here right now
because of you.
Me? What did I do?
The weapons, the suit...
Their power sources can be traced.
When you turned them on,
it was like sending up a flare.
- Shep, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
- You didn't ask.
You said "maybe,"
that they "may" find their way here.
They may not get an exact fix.
It could pass us right by.
If no more flares are sent up.
That's why we gotta get that
N-2 thingy back, right?
Right.
This is where I was shot.
This is where I fell over.
There's where I crash-landed.
- And you saved this girl?
- Yes, I saved a girl.
Wait a minute!
We can find them with this. It zeroes in
on the gun's electronic signal.
A homing device. Great! Why didn't we
just use this in the first place?
Shut up!
Let's go.
Take a right, Charlie.
- Okay, now step on it.
- Shep, this is illegal!
- Watch it!
- Take another right, right here.
Turn. Good.
Hey, are you crazy?
Left, left! Okay.
Take another right here, Charlie.
- What are you slowing down for?
- Whoa!
- We made it.
- Come on, Charlie.
Take a left
right here in the driveway.
- Is he dead?
- Temporarily immobilized.
He'll thaw out in about 20 minutes,
with a bad headache.
- Let's go.
- Wow! A freeze gun.
Hey, just a minute!
No skimming from the top!
Idle out, will ya? I'm the one
who found that thing, remember?
Yeah, but I'm the one that
figured out how the thing works!
And I'm the one that wants
the thing back now!
Shep, watch out!
Gotcha!
Antifreeze.
- You were right about that headache.
- It'll pass.
At least you got
your N-2 thingy back.
Now you can rest easy.
Yeah, sure.
Except for one thing.
They're here!
Who's here?
A couple of leeches that make their
living off the blood of others.
- Investment bankers?
- Bounty hunters.
Bounty hunters?
You mean from up there?
Wait a minute.
Bounty hunters?
- You said you were one of the good guys.
- I am!
There was this evil tyrant named Suitor.
Planned to rule the universe.
Had a lot of devoted followers. Swore
they'd follow him, even after death.
I gave them the chance.
So, you're some kind
of space warrior, right?
From where?
I mean, do you belong
to some kind of an army?
Or do you just go around doing good
like some kind of superhero?
Hey, this isn't a cultural powwow here.
The killers are loose on your streets.
Ten minutes listening to your ice cream
trucks, and they'll level this town.
Can they do that?
Yeah.
Hey, dudes,
welcome to Surfin'Burger.
How about the big
Big Gnarly Burger?
We got the Wipeout Burger.
We got the Dude Burger.
We got the Hang Ten Burger
and the Totally Awesome Burger.
Hang on, you guys!
You just got married!
Whoa! This is cool!
You two are so cute together.
We got the special Honeymoon Burger...
forjust newlyweds like yourselves.
How are you gonna get
this thing out of here?
Vertical blast.
- Are you sure it'll work?
- Shut up!
Well, then, Shep,
I guess this is good-bye.
I don't do good-byes, Charlie.
Oh, no! Down!
- That's it, then.
- That's what?
We have to fight.
- We?
- We!
I'm setting you up with a decoy.
This suit can take two direct hits.
Two?
You'll draw their fire
while I counterattack.
Try this.
I don't think so.
Look, I'm just your landlord.
I bring you an extra bar of soap
when you need it...
perhaps help stop
the occasional bank robbery.
Being the target for intergalactic
bounty hunters is out of my line!
Listen, little man,
it's your fault they're here.
- My fault?
- Yeah.
You came to my house trying to
pass yourself off as an earthling!
How the hell was I supposed to know
you were some sort of alien Rambo...
with psycho enemies?
What kind of a man are you anyway?
Your planet, your family.
Exactly!
My planet, my family were fine...
before you brought your
intergalactic grudge match here.
You're the one who's put them in danger!
All these guys want is you!
Christ!
I was frozen today!
Okay.
You win.
It's not your fight.
Shep, I'd help you any way I could, but
you can't expect a man with a family...
Forget it.
It was a million-to-one shot anyway.
I'll fight 'em myself.
If I lose, at least
they'll leave your planet.
They'll have to take my body back
for the reward anyway.
Does it have to be that way?
Unless you can tell me where I can find
about 40 pounds of cymian crystal.
Beltz!
- Go get him.
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Hors d'oeuvres?
Well, hey, if it isn't
Fred and Barney.
Did you two boys patch up
your little differences?
Yes, thanks.
I don't believe I caught
your friend's name the other day.
- Shep.
- He's from out of town.
Don't they have parties
where you come from?
- Not like this one.
- I know. Dull, huh?
Football. That's my idea
of a night out.
Football?
Oh, yeah.
What could be better than a bunch
of beefy, burly boys...
beating the crap out of each other,
trying to score?
Being a burly boy.
- Where did you say you were from?
- Listen, Margie.
I promised Shep
I'd show him my office.
Your office?
- What'd you do that for?
- The crystals. The universe.
Remember?
You know, I spend more time saving
worlds than I do living in them.
Sometimes I wonder why.
You've got everything, Charlie.
So I said to the president,
"Hey, look...
I just build the S&Ls,
I don't run 'em."
Tell him.
How's the champagne?
A little more champagne?
How 'bout a round of kamikazes?
Just special for tonight.
Tell him. Tell him that.
Damn.
There should be a key
around here somewhere.
Of course.
Here we go.
Fifty pounds of cymian crystal.
Thanks. You've been a great help.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
- Wait! They must be in the building.
- Where?
You know this device
could be traced?
- A calculated risk.
- Yeah.
Got 'em. They're upstairs
in the new wing.
Let's go.
By the way,
do you like it in here?
It's finished.
I'm kidding. This is the way
his building's gonna look.
These are all jokes.
Anyway, take a look, seriously.
Over here, fellas.
See that space? That's how confident
I am about this project.
I'm unveiling it at the signing.
Get 'em out of here.
Mr. Zukaki is very impressed
by your... style.
Right back at him. You too.
Wilcox!
Wonderful.
Just the man I wanted to see.
He's the best, and with a little help
and guidance, one of the very best.
Did you make the alterations
I specified?
Yes, yes, yes.
I left them down in the car.
- Why the car?
- I'll go bring them to your office.
Good. Splendid. One more thing.
Will I be astonished?
- I think so.
- I almost kissed you, but I wouldn't.
Good. Go.
Ready, everyone?
Off to the party. Here we go.
One, two, one, two. That's good.
Size order. It's important.
Hold it right there!
Boys, boys, boys.
Now, why don't you
put that back where it belongs?
Bounty hunters!
Let's get out of here!
Tag. You're it.
You know, for a big guy,
you're kind of light on your feet.
Have a nice flight,
camel breath.
Talk about cheap construction.
What is that?
Get your foot out of my face!
What is this, a tag team?
You're a dead man, Ramsey.
No wonder you guys never talk.
Game over. You lose.
Have you been to the Tar Pits?
Really a must-see.
They're right out there.
Mr. Zukaki requests that you
explain the plans to him now.
Wonderful. Who, me?
All right, sir.
Gets a little technical.
I hope you follow here.
We feel... and I'll go the distance
with you on this one.
We feel very strongly that
the building should have floors...
and that's, of course,
one per level.
It goes without saying that one man's
floor is another man's ceiling.
That's why, in order to keep them
separate, we're recommending walls.
Why don't you just let me
take you to a doctor?
You don't have to leave right away.
You just waxed the enemy.
- Why don't you...
- No, it's all right.
You said you spend all your time saving
worlds without ever living in them.
This is your chance
to live in one.
You said I put your planet
and family in danger...
with this interplanetary
grudge match.
You were right.
I'm leaving before others come.
Yes, but, Shep...
Charlie, do me a favor.
Go back to my place
and make sure I've got everything.
I don't want to risk leaving even one
of those traceable devices behind.
Okay.
And, Charlie...
thanks.
Jenny?
- Oh, Charlie!
- Daddy!
What's the matter...
Who are you?
What do you want?
General Suitor, at your service.
Suitor?
You're supposed to be dead.
I'm so sorry to disappoint.
And you, I take it,
are the partner.
Partner? Charlie,
what's he talking about?
I was trying to help Shep escape
some intergalactic bounty hunters.
See, Shep's an alien warrior...
who foiled this man's attempt
at ruling the universe.
Charlie, this is serious!
Yes, Charlie, this is...
serious.
Perfect timing.
- I'm sorry, Shep. I had no choice.
- I said I don't do good-byes.
- But I insisted.
- Suitor!
Did you think I was so stupid...
not to have planned
for every contingency?
There were many gunnery bubbles
on that ship, you know.
Help! Help!
Get over there. Get over there!
Move!
Move!
This endless cat-and-mouse
grows tiresome, Ramsey.
I suggest you come out here now...
unless you want
this happy little group...
melted to the ground!
If it'd end your career,
it'd be worth it.
Bad bluff, Ramsey.
You see, I know something.
You actually care...
for these creatures.
You're wrong.
They mean nothing to me.
Mom, help!
Please, let her go!
You've got ten seconds to come out
with your hands up, Ramsey...
before you see the inside
of this beautiful child's head.
Ten seconds!
Sometimes
you gotta lose to win.
Warning. Self-destruct mechanism
has been activated.
- That wasn't the deal.
- Here's the deal.
First you let them go.
Then do whatever you want with me.
I won't even put up a fight.
You think I'm a fool?
Why should I believe you?
Because I, unlike you,
am as good as my word.
How quaint.
Well, I'll let them go. I didn't
come here to swat at flies.
Get them out of here, Charlie, now!
Hurry.
This is pleasant!
I've dreamed about this moment
ever since you blew up my ship.
I didn't like that.
How fitting then...
that your death
will be the catalyst...
that starts my rebuilding...
to ultimate power!
So this is how you're gonna do me in...
by boring me to death with speeches.
Oh, unfortunately for you...
you're going to die...
much... more...
painfully.
I'm going back to help.
I can't let you do that.
Shep could've taken that guy out
back there, but he didn't... for us.
- We can't just leave him there to die.
- You might get yourself killed.
Listen, this is something
I have got to do.
Be careful.
We need you.
This is much more fun...
than I had imagined.
So few things in life...
live up to expectations...
don't you find?
I wonder how killing you...
is going to feel.
Shep!
Forget it!
He is finished.
But you...
you are just starting.
You son of a bitch!
You stupid little man!
What do you hope to do to me?
To me...
the almighty Suitor?
Why, I could crush your neck...
Charlie, no!
With my bare hands...
Charlie, get out of here now!
Oh, my God! Charlie!
Look!
What happened?
Is the world saved?
Oh, Charlie,
you are all right.
He took on Suitor all by himself...
with his bare hands.
He's some kind of guy.
Oh, Charlie, you are the finest man
I have ever known.
But if you ever do anything
like this again...
I'll kill you!
- Way to go, Dad.
- You're the greatest.
Give up?
It was Raymond Burr in Godzilla.
Nick Adams was in Rodan.
Mothra, another classic,
by the way...
Wilcox!
This better be good.
Make it good, make it fast.
We've been up all night. Zukaki's
about to take his business elsewhere.
I'm running out ofJapanese movies,
so just explain your incompetence!
My incompetence?
Is that what you've been telling them?
I told them what's good for the company.
Be a man and accept the responsibility.
I'm the one who's been saving your butt
for the last three years!
You want somebody to talk to
Mr. Zukaki about incompetence...
do it yourself!
You're the expert.
I quit!
Wilcox!
Charlie!
Chuck?
Coffee?
Hey, dude, how 'bout a Bomb Pop?
- Hey, you leaving?
- Leaving?
- Bad guys beat?
- The galaxy's saved.
No loose ends, then.
Hey, look! It's the giant!
Well, maybe one loose end.
Hey, man, I just got that!
Use his!
- Radical!
- Pure luck!
- Was not!
- Was!
So what?
My mom did that last week.
He's going for
a full-on handstand!
- No way!
- Way.
Tell your mom to keep practicing.
Aw, man!
My last board.
Take mine.
Cowabunga, dude!
Are you sure?
- You want me to change my mind?
- Heck, no!
- Well, get out of here.
- Can I ride it?
No, he gave it to me!
I have to save the galaxy!
Again?
My cat.
Are you sure?
Positive?
Bad kitty!
Thanks.
Get a goldfish.
- So what are you going to do now?
- Something will turn up.
Life's too short
not to take a chance.
Maybe I'll become
an intergalactic warrior.
Yeah, and maybe I'll
become a family man.
All right, E.T.,
ready for blast off.
Purely educational.
Well, I'd better get going.
You never know who's out there trying
to retrieve this hunk of hardware.
Right.
So...
Well, have a nice flight.
Hey, Charlie.
Too good to say good-bye?
Good-bye, Shep.
Good-bye, Charlie.
- See you around.
- See you around, Charlie.
- Good-bye, Mr. Ramsey!
- Bye, Shep!