Studio Stoops (1950) Movie Script

[♪]

LARRY:

It's absolutely wonderful.

It's terrific.

It's colossal.

It's stupendous.

You know, this is the best

termite sprayer we ever used.

Do I look like a termite?

Don't answer that.

[SNICKERS]

Now, look, you guys.

We gotta spray

this entire building

before the Publicity Department

comes back from location.

Now, we gotta step on it.

What time is it?

I'll give you the time,

old-timer.

What's the idea

of the three watches?

That's the way

I tell time.

How do you tell time?

This one is 10 minutes slow.

This one is 20 minutes fast.

The one in the middle is broke.

It stopped at 2:00.

Well, how do you

tell the time?

I take the 10 minutes slow,

subtract it from

the 20 minutes fast,

and divide by the 2

in the middle.

Well, what time is it now?

Oh, it's 9:30.

Why, you...

Ooh!

Nine-thirty.

Get away from here.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Come on, pea-brain,

shake a leg.

We'll finish it

in the morning.

Well, I'm glad to see

you're still here.

I've always wanted

to meet you boys.

I understand you've been

knocking them dead lately.

Oh, we always do.

MOE:

Yep, we cover every angle.

But I'm afraid you have

an advantage over us, sir.

[CHUCKLING]

What a kidder.

As if he didn't know

who J.B. Fletcher is.

I only run this studio.

Oh, excuse me.

Boys, I'd like to have you meet

our new star, Miss Dolly Duvall.

How do you do?

And that brings me

to the purpose of my visit.

I want you to whip up

a publicity stunt

that'll make Miss Duvall

famous overnight.

But--

And if you put this over,

I'll see that you get

a whale of a big bonus.

SHEMP:

Boss, we ain't exactly--

Ooh--!

Uh, we ain't gonna

disappoint you, Mr. Fletcher.

That's good.

I'll tell you what.

We'll have

the little lady disappear.

That's always a great story.

Disappear?

Oh, how corny can one get?

I don't know.

Just think.

Every paper in the country

will carry her picture

on the front page.

Millions of people will wonder

what happened to her.

And all the time,

she'll be hiding out

at the Clinton Arms Hotel.

What do you think, my dear?

You did say Clinton Arms?

FLETCHER:

I did.

Those guys just gave me

a great idea

how to pick up

some fast dough.

Where we going?

Clinton Arms Hotel,

you dummy.

[TYPEWRITERS CLACKING]

[TYPEWRITER DINGS]

Hello?

Step on it, you guys.

Those reporters

will be here any minute.

You, take a letter.

On the typewriter.

Flash. Hollywood. June 22nd.

Dolly Duvall,

glamorous star of B.O. Pictures,

disappeared today

under circumstances

that indicate foul play--

--and...

Read that back.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

June 22nd.

Get out!

Copy this thing

on the typewriter.

Ooh!

What happened

to my carriage?

Your carriage waits without.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Here's your carriage,

and next time, hold your horses.

You...

[DOOR OPENS]

I'm Captain Casey

from headquarters.

I'm Brown from The Sun.

Oh, that's too bad.

Are you peeling?

Glad you came, Brown.

We got a complete story

on the disappearance

of Dolly Duvall. Get him

some pictures. What a story.

Save it.

We can't print that baloney.

You're not

fooling me either.

I ain't running my boys ragged

for a phony publicity stunt.

Oh, gentlemen,

you've got us all wrong.

She disappeared.

Honest.

She may be in danger.

But we'll find her in time

to start her new picture,

Kiss the Moonbeams

Off my Elbow.

It'll be colossal.

Look, scoop.

This is my day off.

If you bother me anymore

with this phony baloney,

I'm gonna punch you

in the stomach,

clip you in the chin,

and knock your head in.

That's what

you're gonna do, eh?

Yeah. So lay off.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, Miss Duvall.

Look, kid,

they won't believe us.

Come on and go to work.

What?

But I am in trouble.

Can't you understand?

Some men broke into my room.

They want money.

Tell them to be here

with the dough in an hour

or you'll take a dip

in the ocean.

A one-way dip.

They want $10,000.

[GASPING]

An hour, 10,000 clams.

Okay, keep your chin up.

Mine is down to my knees.

Moe, some crooks

grabbed her in the hotel,

and she ain't kidding.

Call a cab.

We'll see you outside

in a couple of minutes. Come on.

Oh.

I forgot my groceries.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Would you--?

Would I what?

Nothing.

That's it down there.

Room 1717.

You guys know what to do?

Yeah.

Right.

Good. Where's the gats?

I got mine.

Here's yours.

Be careful.

Where'd you get it?

At the studio.

Same place I got the money.

There was room

marked "Property,"

but it didn't say

whose property.

Ha-ha.

Well, finders keepers.

If you ain't

got a gun for me,

what'd you

bring me along for?

For bait.

Come on. Come on.

This is the zero hour, men.

You wait out here.

If we're not out

in five minutes,

come and get us.

Yeah.

You better make it 30 seconds.

DUVALL:

Oh.

[KNOCKING]

[DUVALL SQUEALS]

LARRY:

Open up, there.

Hey-- Hey--

Come here.

Take it easy.

We're from the B.O. studio.

Okay, but if there's

any cops out there,

you won't leave

this room alive.

Don't be silly.

We wouldn't tell any cops.

Here's your dough.

Give me that.

Well, where's the girl?

Not so fast, sonny.

Uh-huh.

Hey, wait a minute.

This looks like stage money.

[OBJECT SNAPS]

Ow!

Stick 'em up.

All right.

Where is she?

I'll give you

just 10 seconds.

Stand back

or I'll let you have it.

Why, you double-crosser.

You asked for it.

[POPS]

Ah-- Ah-- Ah--!

[SQUIRTING]

LARRY:

Come on, Moe. Hurry up.

Come back here you--!

Just a minute, bud.

Who are you?

I'm the sandman.

Oh.

[PUNCHES LANDING]

[MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Ooh.

Get me out of here.

I'm suffocating.

Dolly.

Oh, thank goodness it's you.

You know, those men--

I know.

Climb out of that thing.

Wise guys, huh?

[GAGS]

There.

I guess that'll hold you.

Oh, let me plug 'em,

will you, boss?

No, it'll make too much noise.

Wait till we get them outside.

Lloyd?

Lloyd, what's up?

What's up?

The third one got away.

Third one?

Yeah, he hit me over the head

with a grand piano.

You chump. He'll have an army

of cops here in five minutes.

Head him off.

No, wait a minute.

The girl's all right.

Go on.

They're gone.

[MUMBLING]

What'd he say?

[IMITATES MUMBLING]

Oh.

Hey, Moe.

Hey, Larry.

Where'd everybody go?

Whoops. Wrong wall.

Oh-- Oh-- Oh--

Oh.

Oh-- Oh--

Uh-oh.

Here we are.

My troubles are over.

Ah, the hall.

Now, where's the elevator?

I gotta get down fast.

Oh, it must be

the other way.

There's nothing on this side,

and there's nothing

on that side either.

He's gone.

I guess he got away,

and that's a good idea for us.

Let's go.

[SCREAMS]

Oh!

Oh-oh-oh.

Oop--

I think I make a turn here.

Shemp, take it easy.

Don't move.

Where are you, Moe?

Do I turn here

or go straight ahead?

You got a knife in your pocket.

Hack your way out of that thing.

Yeah.

I never thought of that.

Attaboy.

Keep cutting.

Yes, sir.

Hi, kids.

Everything is all right now.

[LAUGHS, GASPS]

Uh-- Oh!

Oh! Oh!

[SCREAMS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Oh...

Poor Shemp.

And he had

his good suit on too.

[ALL SOBBING]

SHEMP:

Oh!

Help! Help!

[SCREAMS]

Oh...

[SCREAMS]

OPERATOR [ON PHONE]:

Number, please.

Get me Information.

Information.

I want the telephone number

of the Clinton Arms Hotel,

quick.

You'll find

it in your directory.

I ain't got no directory.

I'm outside the building.

Whoa!

[WHIMPERS]

You know,

that Shemp was a nice guy.

[BLOWS NOSE]

I'll never forgive myself

for pushing him around.

[RINGS]

Hello?

Shemp? He just stepped out.

Shemp!

You chowderhead.

What's the idea

of scaring us half to death?

Listen, I'm hanging

outside the building

on the eighth floor.

I guess it's the 10th floor.

Would it be too much trouble

to send down a rope?

You betcha.

All right.

Hang on, kid.

He's safe.

Yeah.

Dolly, you locate Shemp.

You get a rope that'll

reach to the 10th floor

and step on it.

Hey, you better

bolt that door

in case our adversaries

come back.

Good idea.

"Adversaries"?

Yeah.

Since when did you

get so smart?

Oh, Ie been smart all the time,

only you didn't know it.

Say, when I come back,

I'll give you the password.

Brilliant.

What'll it be?

"Open the door."

Come on.

Get out of here.

"Open the door."

How do you like that?

[GRUNTS]

[THUDDING, SLAPPING]

LARRY:

Oh! Oh, Shemp, help!

Captain,

there's a guy in the--

Oh, it's you again.

You gotta listen to me.

It's a matter of life or death.

It'll be your death

if you don't keep

out of my hair.

Now, beat it.

Hello, fellas.

Deal me in.

Are you still here?

Captain, you gotta go with me.

This is serious.

I told you no.

I don't wanna listen

to anymore of that malarkey.

Now, get out of here.

What's the matter, operator?

Will I hang on?

What do you think I'll do?

Let go?

Do you think I'm silly?

I am sorry.

We cannot give out

that information.

Oh, yeah?

A wise guy, eh?

If you fall off,

watch out for the traffic.

It's okay.

The green light's with me.

[CREAKS]

[SQUEALS]

Take it easy, kid,

and don't move too fast-- Oh!

[PHONE RINGS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Oh, it's you.

How you doing?

Not so good.

Could you hurry it up a little?

It's urgent.

And besides,

somebody wants to use the line.

Keep a stiff upper plate, kid.

It can't wait any longer.

This will have to do.

We got it.

Help is on the way.

Good work.

If those knots

will only hold.

Okay. Ship ahoy.

Get ahold of this.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Oh.

Ooh!

Hey, quit playing games.

I can't find them, boss.

Maybe they went back

in here.

[LATCH CLICKS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Oh!

[GASPS]

Ow!

Oh.

Captain, you gotta

listen to me.

For the last time, no.

Will you get out of here?

I'll take one.

CASEY:

Stop in the name of the law.

Break it in.

Drop that rope.

Are you all right,

boss?

What happened, boss?

Did you trip

over something? Huh?

[WHISTLES]

CASEY:

Stop! Wait a minute!

Wait a minute,

captain.

You're a trifle late,

but clean it up.

Well, it's Dandy Dawson.

Good work, boys.

Come on.

Let's get going.

Wait a minute, captain.

He's anchored.

Whoa. Whoa, nellie, there.

Whoa there, nellie.

I got you now.

[SCREAMS]

Wait a minute.

LARRY: Help, Moe!

Take it easy, kid.

LARRY:

Whoa!

Easy. Give me a hand

with that rope.

Get a good grip.

Hiya, toots.

Mind if I drop in?

[SPLASHING]

Hey, this ain't

Saturday night.

What do we got to lose?

Okay.

Where's the soap?

Here. I got soap.

[BOTH HUMMING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪]

Studio Stoops (1950) - full transcript