Student Bodies (1981) - full transcript
A killer named the Breather terrorizes students at a high school. Whenever the killer finds students having sex, he kills them. He has some intense issues with which to deal. He likes to breathe heavily, and he likes to make prank calls while talking through a rubber chicken.
[turkey gobbles]
[ghosts howling]
[wolf howls]
[heavy breathing]
[duck quacks]
Breather: Ohh.
[telephone rings]
Hummers residence.
Woman: Hi, Julie.
Oh, hi, Toby.
Listen, I forgot
to give you the answers
to that history question
on the civil war.
Now, just remember,
the north won.
Oh, heavy. Hey, are you sure
you don't want to come over?
Maybe Charlie could
bring a friend or two.
No.
And you better
be careful.
Sometimes when a person
acts wild and crazy,
wild and crazy things
happen to them.
They do?
Yeah, believe me.
Anything could happen
in this creepy place,
but I have a feeling
it's the last time I baby-sit.
Listen, I gotta go.
Ok, bye, Toby.
[meow]
[meow]
[meow]
[meow]
[meow meow]
[meow]
[farts]
[ring]
Hello.
[heavy breathing]
Hello.
[ring]
[ring]
[ring]
Breather: I said...
[heavy breathing]
[wolf howls]
[wolf howls]
[ring]
[ring]
[ring]
[ring]
[heavy breathing]
[slobbering]
Ohh!
Aah!
Surprise.
Charlie!
Cut the chit-chat.
Let's just do it.
Ooh, what's
that chickeny taste?
It's chicken.
Did you just call
a minute ago and hang up?
Who, me?
Not here.
Not now.
Where?
When?
Upstairs, 10 seconds.
[springs squeak]
Nice.
Charlie, you clean?
What kind of
a question is that?
Of course I 'm clean.
Besides, you can't
wash away herpes.
Take a shower!
Orders get me hot.
I'll be waiting for you.
[humming]
♪ She'll be coming
'round the mountain ♪
[heavy breathing]
Breather: Ahh.
Breather: Ahh.
[humming]
[heavy breathing]
[heavy footsteps]
[humming]
[heavy breathing]
[heavy footsteps]
Charlie,
is that you thumping?
[humming]
[heavy breathing]
All these stairs.
[humming]
[footsteps]
[heavy breathing]
I hope I don't die first.
[heavy breathing]
[grunting]
Sugarless.
[doorknob creaks]
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Sahara Tahoe.
It's show time.
Hey, Julie.
Hey, your feet
are cold.
Here, turn over.
Julie.
Julie, you're
not responding
to my maleness.
Julie,
are you asleep?
[heavy breathing]
Holy shit!
No!
Woman:
What a waste of money.
$10 for a movie,
$5.00 for popcorn.
Man: Don't forget
$15 for parking
and a baby-sitter.
If I see one more
horror film, I 'll throw up.
What makes them
think the American public
wants to watch
such stupid trash?
You're right, dear.
Now hurry up
or we'll miss
The Dukes of Hazzard.
She left the door open.
Julie, we're home.
Where is that girl?
I hope she wasn't
murdered in our bed.
Woman: Aaah!
Aaaah!
Aaaah!
What's wrong?
Look at the sink!
Your finger?
You hurt your finger?
She didn't
wash the dishes!
75 cents an hour.
She didn't wash
one dish.
Where is that girl?
Maybe she's watching TV.
At 75 cents
an hour?
We'll see
about that.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Chicken.
Hmm.
Broken.
[heavy breathing]
Aaaah!
She left the TV on!
Oh, where is that girl?
I'll find her.
I'll find her.
The TV is left on,
the dishes undone,
and look at this mess.
She's ruined the stairs.
What's going on in my home
at 75 cents an hour?
Calm down, calm down.
You know
how high-strung you are.
The doctor said
one more heart attack
and it's all over
for you.
Are you murmuring?
Fluttering?
Do you want your pills?
Don't worry
about the stairs.
I'll clean them.
You know how I like
cleaning gum off of things.
The important thing is that
you calm down and relax.
Well, I 'll be darned.
Aah!
Today is a sad day for me,
perhaps the saddest
in my tenure
as principal
of our school,
dear old Lamab High.
For me, to look
down on the corpses
of 2 former students
is very painful,
and I 'll bet it's no picnic
for the parents either,
but we must go on,
for although
today is a sad day,
it is also a big day--
the day of the big parade.
The big game...
I told her
to be careful.
Shh.
I told her
not to have
Charlie
come over.
Why wouldn't
she listen?
The big queen crowning,
the big yearbook
signing party,
the big panty raid,
the big
tree trimming.
Stop. How can you
think of sex now?
I can never stop
thinking about it.
Funerals get me hot.
Now this, the big funeral.
Now, we could moan
about the fact
that we have to have
the extracurricular
activities in one day
due to state budget cuts,
but that wouldn't be
in the spirit of Lamab High,
would it?
Let's hear it for life.
Ok, give me a boo!
Give me a hoo!
Give me a boo hoo hoo!
Beat death!
Yay!
Thank you, members
of the pep team.
Sex kills.
Sex kills.
Back, Malvert, back!
Do you want people
to be suspicious of you?
Look at those two
sneaking off.
Boy: Maybe they have to go
to the bathroom or something.
We can't do it now.
My mother
found my diaphragm.
What?
I'll get
some protection.
I'll get foam
and rubbers.
Don't start
without me.
[heavy breathing]
Breather: Yoo-hoo.
Anybody home?
Joe, what's that?
I'm gonna give you
horse head.
You're not Joe!
Aah!
Joe: Oh, you started
without me.
Bertha?
[heavy breathing]
Bertha?
Oh! [gasps]
Oh, Mrs. Smith,
I'm Mrs. Hummers.
Julie was baby-sitting
at my house when she got it.
Now I wanted you to have
the money I owed her.
It's all there.
5 hours at 65 cents an hour.
Oh, and I also included
Julie 's car fare--
one way, of course.
So, I mean, it's not
your fault, you know?
I've been trying to tell you
that all this time.
Don't worry.
Oh, look. There's Joe.
Joe!
This is not
very funny!
Joe, this is not
my idea of a joke,
and--and you're acting
in very bad taste!
Aah!
Oh, Hardy,
have you been
fooling around with
my bicycle seat again?
No.
What did you hit now?
Damn dog again.
Where are you?!
Where are you?!
What do you think
you're doin'?
Hey, man,
that's my parking space.
Can't you see I 'm
blind?
Hey, I 'm more
handicapped than you.
I can't even make love
to a woman!
I can never find one!
Now move it.
Hey, that's
our parking spot.
Great physical beauty
can be a handicap, too.
Who could have
done these murders?
I don't know.
It could have been anybody.
Well, it can't
be anybody.
It's gotta be
somebody.
Well, of course,
it's somebody.
But that somebody
could be anybody.
Well, look,
we didn't do it, right?
Right.
So you can't say
it could be anybody.
We're anybody.
True. But
we're also somebody.
Whoever the killer is
couldn't have chosen
a worse day.
In any case, we must
remember the 3 Ps :
No police,
no publicity, and, uh...
No pasta.
Don't let the pressure
get to you, Harlow.
That's
the third "p."
I can't stand
the pressure.
You're
a brilliant educator.
You need some rest.
[bell rings]
Class, today we will learn
how to make...
a horse head bookend.
[class groans]
Perhaps man's highest
cultural achievement
is the horse head bookend.
With rape...
and violence...
rampant in this land.
With human flesh
cheap and...
and vulgarized,
one of the last bastions
of decency
is the gentle satisfaction
one gains
from making
a horse head bookend.
Just a minute, son.
Me, sir?
Yeah, yeah, the one
in the bed sheets.
Take that tambourine
off your head.
You belong to this school?
Yes, sir.
My name is Mawamba.
Is that a fact?
Do you know the school year
began in September?
This is
the last day in June.
I'm a bussing student,
sir, from the zowie.
The zowie?
That near Philadelphia?
It's in Africa, sir.
That's why I 'm late.
My bus just got in.
Do you know
anything about...
horse head bookends?
No, sir.
Good.
Now we only have
one day to work with you
'cause it's
the last day of school.
Now you're gonna make
horse heads, jungle boy.
You're gonna have horse heads
coming out of your ears.
Now one more question.
Would you mind
telling me...
how come you're not
in your neighborhood school?
It's a court order.
A court order, huh?
A court order?
Now that the right people
have taken over this country,
you're gonna see
some real court orders.
Now sit down
and make horse heads.
Now, remember, class...
You won't believe
what I saw over there.
What?
Don't ask.
Look--look at this.
Where did you get that?
I found it where Joe
and bertha were murdered.
They shouldn't have been
doing that at a funeral.
Talking?
During horse head bookends?
Who was that?
Sure, the girl.
What have we here, Miss...
"Shouldn't be
in the class anyway"?
Well, it's a horse head
bookend, Mr. Duncan.
You stained it
and everything.
Yes, sir.
I couldn't have done
a better job myself.
That's what I was thinking.
Don't mind us, girls.
We prom queen candidates
have to get changed
for the parade.
Hey, how come I
have to break my ass
playing volleyball
while you get
all dolled up?
'cause I 'm beautiful
and you're hideous.
Oh, yeah? Someday,
you'll be old and ugly.
Oh, no, I won't.
Take a look at this.
I have these saved up
for the very first sign
of wrinkles.
What is it,
vitamin E?
Cyanide capsules.
Death before disfigurement.
You're sick.
Girl: Has anybody
seen Toby?
She's in big trouble.
She was found
with a weapon, and...
Breather:
Ha. I love locker rooms.
I love girls' locker rooms.
I love sweat.
I love girls' sweat.
[heavy breathing]
what's the matter
with you guys?
I don't know what's
the matter with them,
but I 'm nervous about
becoming prom queen.
Breather: queens.
Hey, you
haven't won yet.
Well, listen, darling,
with a figure like this...
Breather:
Nice figure.
...that's French.
French. French.
I like French.
[heavy breathing]
Skin.
[breathing faster]
Boobs! Boobs!
Very fun.
Itchy. Icky.
I'm taking it
out of my pants.
I'm doin' what my mommy
told me not to do.
[heavy panting]
Oh! Ah!
Oh! Oh! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aahooh!
Girl: All right,
let's move it! Let's go!
[all chattering]
[heavy breathing]
[breathing faster]
[inhales,
slow, deep breathing]
[breathing stops]
[breathing]
[breathing stops]
[breathing quietly]
[heavy breathing]
[gasping]
Why do they always
run away from me?
It's the galoshes.
They're a dead giveaway.
Why do I wear 'em?
It isn't even raining.
[heavy breathing]
My luck.
I picked a jogger.
[heavy breathing]
[heavy breathing]
Unh! I can't get a break!
[grunts]
[heavy breathing]
Aah! Oh!
Mr. Malvert!
You Mrs. Malvert.
No!
Say no to Malvert?
Yes! No!
Help Malvert.
Malvert have big problem.
5-letter word
for stealth-like.
Creep!
Malvert thanks!
[band playing when
The Saints Go Marching In]
Lovely day
for a parade.
Or a murder.
Yes.
Principal:
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Lamab High
Marching Band.
The finest marching band
on this street
at this moment.
And remember,
my dear friends,
this may not be the biggest
parade in the world,
but it will be
the most sincere.
We have dedicated it
to those students
who have...passed on.
For, like everyone else,
even the dead
love a parade.
I'd like to make a special
appeal to the killer.
Hasn't there been
enough senseless killing?
Let's have a murder
that makes sense.
The cheerleaders are
taking off their blouses.
Yeah, yeah!
And the prom queen
candidates, no clothes on.
Oh, man, yeah!
So you got my dollar?
And on the next float,
our lovely prom queen
candidates,
uh, or what's left
of them.
[heavy breathing
in tune with song]
Meet Patti Priswell,
Joan d'amico,
and Barry, our boy queen
candidate.
Man, that Dagmar
sure looks good.
Are you crazy?
Later, man.
Our school mascot
the bull.
When I say that
Kanab has the finest
educational standards
in the state,
what do you say? Bull!
Look, over there.
[roars]
Did you see that?
Hardy: Well, maybe
he's helping her
find a bathroom
or something.
Let's get
comfortable, baby.
The floor may be
hard, but I 'm soft.
Couldn't you pick
a better place?
I can't help it.
Hollow bulls
get me hot.
[heavy breathing]
Here I am.
You always want
to do it in the daytime.
Can't we do it
at night?
Yeah, but--
Breather: Let me see.
A murder weapon.
What's in
this goddamn float?
Ok, ok, it's
gonna be slow.
Hey, man!
Hey, slow down!
[Breather becomes
more excited]
Breather:
I gotta find something.
There must be something.
Ah! All right!
No!
You like eggplant?
Not eggplant! Aah!
[roars]
Ok, baby.
Breather:
♪ Welcome back! ♪
Ooh, I like
your outfit.
What's this? I thought
you hated eggplant.
Ralph?
Dagmar? Aah!
[heavy breathing]
No!
Toby: Where are you?
You guys, I saw you
come down here.
Dagmar? Aah!
[roars]
It's a big day!
Big day, big day,
Miss Mumsley.
Oh, my god.
Student bodies!
Student bodies!
Ladies and gentlemen,
in order to achieve
an "R" rating today,
a motion picture must
contain full frontal nudity,
graphic violence,
or an explicit reference
to the sex act.
Since this film
has none of those
and since research
has proven
that "R"-rated films
are by far the most popular
with the movie-going
public,
the producers
of this motion picture
have asked me to take
this opportunity to say
fuck you.
Finished.
They're gone.
Hardy?
Aah!
What have we here,
Miss "shouldn't be
on the float anyway"?
Wait a minute.
No!
No. I--
I didn't do it!
I didn't do it!
I never do it!
3 down.
This is the anatomy
of the frog,
and here, thousands
of years later, man.
Quite a difference,
huh, class?
And yet
is he perfect?
I think not.
This is totally
unnecessary, ugly,
and gets in the way.
Now...
I can't believe
about all this talk
about Toby being involved
in these murders.
It isn't true.
She's reflecting
very poorly
on our school.
If she has any sense
of self-honor
and decency,
she'd kill herself.
Now, we can't go around
changing men's anatomy,
legally, that is. But
we can change a frog's.
Now if you will all please
expose your frogs.
First, we will remove
all these ugly
little frog penises.
[frog croaks]
Cigarette?
Ok. I'll come
straight to the point.
You're the murderer.
No. That's
impossible!
I wouldn't
hurt a fly.
[fly buzzing]
The girl's
obviously a liar.
Let's give her
the chair.
If you want, I can
saw her head off.
Now wait a minute.
May I make a suggestion?
Instead of sending Toby
directly to jail--
What? And
let her pass go
and collect $200?
No way.
No, I meant
it would be a good idea
if Toby saw
our school psychiatrist
before we came
to any firm conclusions.
I don't believe
in psychiatrists.
What did they
ever do for me?
Obviously
nothing.
Dr. Sigmund is
an eminently--imm--
a top man who has
treated many murderers
before they killed.
I feel strongly
that the proper
course of action
is a thorough psychiatric
consultation. Ok?
No.
I don't think so.
Good. Then it's settled.
Good-bye, and thanks
for your confidence
in me, Mr. Peters.
It's not really
confidence, my dear.
I think you're crazy.
Now let's examine
the evidence again.
Now, here are
the murder weapons.
Now, who would logically
have access to them?
One paperclip.
Harlow,
that's yours.
3 trash bags. Now who
could these belong to?
What's he doing?
This used
to be the rest room
before they remodeled
the building,
and Malvert thinks
it's still here.
I keep a trash can
over there
for just this purpose.
Better to be safe
than sorry.
Of course, the man
deserves some respect.
He was a teacher
before the accident.
What accident?
Oh, he was in
a terrible crash,
he got rammed
from both the front
and the back
at the same time.
Poor fellow
got whiplash
in both directions.
Poor soul. Once
a teacher, now a janitor.
He does enjoy
the raise in pay.
Malvert afford hookers.
All done?
No. [urinates]
Now done.
You can't get
angry with him.
He gets teased
unmercifully.
Wait a minute.
Now, he
could be our man.
Look at him.
Look at him!
He's got blood
on his hands.
No. Since accident,
Malvert
sometimes pee red.
You know
good urologist?
[telephone rings]
I'll get it. I'm
farthest from the phone.
Miss Mumsley :
That makes sense.
[ring]
[spring breaks]
[ring]
Hello.
Hello! I won't
beat around the bush.
I killed everybody,
and I 'm glad! Heh heh!
I appreciate
your honesty.
What makes your voice
sound so funny?
I'm disguising it,
schmuck.
How?
By talking through
a rubber chicken.
I thought it sounded
like you were
speaking through
a rubber chicken.
Listen, I 'm going to kill
next at the football game.
Click!
Did you hang up?
No. I just said click.
[dial tone]
Well,
who was that?
The killer--
chicken lips.
And if that
was the killer,
then Malvert
can't be guilty.
You can go,
Malvert.
Damn. Malvert
never get picked!
[bell rings]
I've never been
to a shrink before.
What do I say?
Tell him anything
he wants to hear.
I don't know
what to tell.
Just don't let him
give you a lobotomy
like they did
to Jack Nicholson
in Cuckoo's Nest.
No,
I don't think so.
That would really
mess you up. Don't worry.
I'm scared.
It's routine.
[sniffles] I 'm sorry.
I promised myself
I wouldn't cry.
That's ok. It's
all right to cry.
Perhaps
this will help.
I'm sorry
I'm out of Kleenex.
Thank you, Dr. Sigmund.
Don't be so formal.
Call me Pischer.
Toby,
I'm going to ask you
a difficult
question.
Are you up for it?
I--I think so,
Dr. Sigmund.
Please,
don't be so formal.
Call me daddy.
Daddy? Wouldn't that
be unusual?
Not really, Toby.
You see, some day
I hope to be famous,
a father image
to the disturbed.
All I need is one...
[heavy breathing]
Sensational case.
Multiple personality,
perhaps.
Proof that reincarnation
does exist, perhaps.
The devil
as a patient, perhaps.
Perhaps...
perhaps...
perhaps...perhaps...
perhaps.
Somebody's been
using my office.
[heavy breathing]
Tell me, Toby...
how do you feel
about sex?
What?
Did I pronounce it
right?
Well...
You mean between
a man and a woman.
Yes. Or the species
of your choice.
Well...
well, I think that--
that sex can be
a beautiful thing
if 2 people
are in love and--
and are married
and can share and
care for one another.
Uh-huh.
2 souls
blending into one.
2 hot bodies pressed
against each other's flesh!
Stop!
But at the same time,
it can be so ugly and--
and dirty and disgusting.
Yuck. My father--
Your father's name
was yuck?
Tell me
about your father.
Did you like yuck?
Oh, no. I hated him.
When I was a child,
he used to beat me
and lock me in my room
with him in it!
Don't call me
daddy anymore.
Well, he--
he told me
that sex was bad
and--and dirty and--
and your mother?
What did
she tell you?
She also told me that
sex was bad and dirty,
but only with my father.
With everyone else,
she said it was great.
[sobbing]
Thank you.
Your fellow students
who were murdered,
they had sex,
didn't they, Toby?
Yes, but I
tried to warn them.
But the police say
you may be involved
in these murders.
Why would I kill
my best friends?
Listen, you've
gotta believe me!
I believe you, Toby.
But sometimes
the mind plays
strange tricks.
We do things
and afterwards
we don't remember
doing them.
[pipe clunks]
We become forgetful.
Did you know
that forgetfulness
was classified as
a mental illness?
I didn't do anything
I wasn't aware of.
[bell rings]
And--and I don't
feel so well now,
and I 'd like to return
to class, please.
Of course.
We'll continue
some other time.
Good-bye, Sybil,
Uh, eve.
Toby.
Toby.
Today, we will discuss
shakespeare's Hamlet.
Who was Hamlet?
His dog.
His dog?
Wasn't he
a Great Dane?
[students laugh]
Class!
In all my years
of teaching,
that is the stupidest answer
I have ever heard.
Go back
to grammar school.
I know where it is.
I'll show you.
Whoa!
Ok, ok.
Be careful! Hey, where's
your seeing eye dog?
Sorry, man. He stole
my car and everything.
My legs, my legs!
Hamlet is one
of shakespeare's
greatest tragedies.
It is the story of a prince,
the prince of Denmark,
a melancholy man
whose mother is
sleeping with his uncle.
I can relate
to that.
And how does he
solve this problem?
Students: Murder!
Sorry I 'm late.
Take your seat, please.
Peters on P.A.:
Attention, students.
As principal, I am
obligated to report
that Toby Badger
has just come
from a psychiatric session
with Dr. Sigmund.
While Dr. Sigmund
has not reached
any formal conclusion,
he does however feel
there is strong evidence
that Toby may indeed
be the psychotic killer
we've been all looking for.
But until this is confirmed
at a later date,
please treat her just like
any other student.
Murderer!
Bye, killer.
There, there, Harlow.
Don't fret.
You do have
a lot on your mind.
A lot on my mind?
The big day,
the big game,
the big parade,
6 big deaths--
you'd call that
a lot on my mind?
Here, speak
to the student bodies.
You know how you like
having your voice amplified.
Good afternoon, students.
This is Mr. Peters,
your principal.
I have some good news
and some bad news.
The good news is the killer
has definitely been identified
as a psychotic individual
suffering from
paranoiac schizophrenia.
He is armed and dangerous.
The bad news is
we have no idea who it is.
If anyone should
come across an individual
matching this description,
please call me at once,
but don't do it
in front of him.
And remember,
the big football game...
Mr. Malvert,
I wanted to talk to you.
If for some reason
suspicion should fall
on our dear Mr. Peters,
we would like you
to confess.
Well, Mr. Peters
is a valuable asset
to society,
while you are mere scum.
What difference
would jail make to you?
You'll have fun
with the boys.
Women don't
like you much now.
I certainly don't.
Homosexuality is
the up-and-coming thing.
[band playing]
Call again.
Mine.
[blows whistle]
[crowd cheering]
All right! Come on!
Man, wheels, how'd you
get such great seats?
The 50-yard line.
Yeah, I used my influence.
Give me the money.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
[band playing]
[crowd cheering]
Red hots! Hot dogs!
Peanuts!
Give me a hot dog.
Here's your hot dog.
You want mustard?
Yeah, give me some--
How about
something to drink?
Yeah, gi--
[gulps]
Hot dog.
Hot dog!
Here's your hot dog.
Here's your hot dog.
Here, you want
mustard, too?
Here you are.
Peanuts!
Here.
I'm gonna buy you
a hot dog.
Then you'll
like Malvert.
Hot dog!
Malvert: Slut! Slut!
All women alike!
All women with Malvert.
I still think
the boys are being killed
and then stuffed
in the trash bags.
Not necessarily.
It's a well-known fact
that if you put a male
inside a 3-ply hefty bag,
tightly tied at the top,
they'll suffocate
in a matter of minutes.
You can believe me.
That's how
they were murdered.
You're on. Hey, chief,
get over here.
Yes, sir?
Get in the bag.
Why?
Because
I told you so.
Yes, sir.
Oof!
[blows whistle]
[blows whistle]
[thumping]
I'm bad.
That's right. I'm bad.
Hey, blood. Hey, bro.
What's happenin'?
Hey, blood. Whoo!
[crowd cheering]
Try to get out.
[whistle blows]
All right.
Come on!
This is boring.
The game sucks anyway.
Excuse me. I have
to make a phone call.
I got a phone
right here.
I feel like grabbing
a quick shave.
Oh? I used
to be a barber.
I just remembered
I must pick up my daughter
at the airport.
Daddy, daddy,
the plane was early!
I'm back!
Come on. Everybody
will be watching the game.
Stop! Look
at all this crap!
Come on, baby.
Come on.
No. Al, let's stop.
It's cold.
All this garbage
is falling.
The garbage
gets me hot.
Ohh!
Ok, ok, stay here.
I'll get a blanket
and a broom.
Ok. Hurry, hurry.
I'm going.
Wrong time. Don't!
I'm just gonna
keep an eye on her.
Toby.
[heavy breathing]
[breath catches]
Heeeere's Breather!
Al? An eraser?!
Aah!
[crowd cheering]
Joan?
Al?
I saw you guys
come down here,
and I just don't think
is a very good idea.
[thud]
Ohh!
Joan, I 've got 'em.
Best broom and blanket
money can buy.
Joan?
You look terrible.
What's
this white powder?
Ecch,
cut with chalk.
Joan?
No! No! No!
[crowd cheering]
[whistle blows]
[heavy breathing]
[whistle blows]
[team cheers]
Referee: No touchdown.
Dead bodies on field.
15-yard penalty.
Take off.
[blows whistle]
All right, listen up now.
There's been
another double murder.
A killer is among us.
All you people
who have had
no previous duress
for criminal charges,
leave the stadium.
All those who have had
no motives
in connection
with this killing,
you can go home.
[crowd murmuring]
All right, now.
All those whose parents
are of the same sex,
you can go.
Damn. Question
was too obvious.
Sheriff: Well, hell,
we ain't got no suspect.
Peters: Where's Toby Badger?
Has anybody seen her?
Sheriff: No, not me.
She's been found on the scene
of all the crimes.
Sheriff: Well, sounds
like the killer to me.
Ok, I want
everyone deputized.
Spread out and
reconnoiter the area.
Any questions?
Yes, Dr. Sigmund.
Dr. Sigmund: Yes,
where did you learn
to speak English,
a zoo?
I understand this killer
strikes only those
who are having sex.
That could wipe out
the entire senior class.
Wait a minute!
No students leave
the school grounds
without filling out
the proper forms.
But they're dead.
Nurse: If we make
an exception for the dead,
we have to make
an exception for everyone!
I better get my forms.
[engine starts]
[siren]
Damn it, son.
We've been here
for 2 hours now,
and we're not
letting you go anywhere
until you tell us
where the murderess is
of these 2 young bodies.
Now, tell me, boy,
have you ever seen
a dead body? Huh?
Well, now,
has anybody in this room
ever seen a dead body?
Now talk, boy.
I'm not a suspect,
and you can't keep me
here any longer,
and if you had any decency,
you'd remove these bodies.
[farts]
There's something
in the air.
Ok. Who had beans
for lunch?
Who did it?
He did.
Peters:
But he's dead.
Nurse:
It's a well-known fact
that corpses
can pass wind,
urinate,
have erections.
There's an old
Welsh saying--
"Dead men tell no tales,
but they fart."
this investigation's
going nowhere.
I'm getting
out of here.
[ring]
That was
a high-pitched one.
That was
the phone.
Hello.
Hello again.
Chicken lips again.
Put him on
the speakerphone.
I will kill next
at the prom.
Oh, yeah? Click.
Did you hang up?
No. I just said click.
Ha ha. I got him.
[farts]
Eww! God!
Coach:
Don't you leave town.
[whispering]
Toby.
Toby.
Toby, wake up.
I didn't do it.
Toby, it's me,
Hardy.
Hardy, where am I?
[sniffs]
Cleveland?
Ugh!
Oh, Hardy, it was
so awful under there.
The worst is over.
[farts]
Toby: Aah!
[crash]
Hardy, you saved me.
That's Ok.
You owe me one.
What is all this?
It's from
the junior class play.
They're doing a nonmusical
version of Grease.
They couldn't get
the rights to the music.
I'm gonna have
to get you out of here.
No, I have
to go to the prom
and find the killer.
But you can't do that.
They'll grab you.
It's the only way
to save my name.
How are you going
to get past the entrance?
I--I 'll have my hand
stamped or something.
I mean
they'll recognize you.
Besides, wouldn't that
be counterproductive?
I'll go in disguise.
I--I need 2 balloons.
Oh. I happen to have 2...
in case I got lucky.
Hardy, can you
please wait outside?
I could wait here.
Ahem. Outside.
Breather: We have
temporarily lost our picture.
Please stand by.
Just kidding.
[heavy breathing]
Hello! It's me,
the Breather.
You're probably
wondering who I am.
Who could I be?
Could I be
the innocent-looking Toby?
Would you trust a girl
who looks like Prince Valiant
in a plum sweater?
Maybe I 'm Dr. Sigmund,
a man who was
once arrested
for corrupting the morals
of a hooker.
Then there's Malvert,
with the I.Q. Of a handball
and the personality
of a parking meter.
Violated.
Could I be the principal
Mr. Peters,
a man who keeps cheese
in his underwear
to attract mice?
Let's not forget
Ms. Leclair--
English teacher by day
and English teacher
by night.
Ah, Miss Mumsley.
She eats 12 prunes a day
and nothing happens.
Nurse Krud
and Miss Van Dyke.
What's in a name?
Everything.
Then there's Dumpkin,
a man who sleeps
with his nuts between
horse head bookends.
Toby! You look
so different.
I put a wig on, and I--
I put these balloons
up here.
They look great.
Can you keep them?
You can have them
when I 'm through.
Now, listen,
I've been thinking.
All the clues have to be
in Mr. Peters' office.
What makes you
think that?
Well, that's where
they've been holding
the investigations
and all the important
evidence.
It's--it's
got to be there.
That does
make sense to me.
Somehow I 've got
to get Mr. Peters' keys.
Hey,
who is that chick?
I don't know, but what
a great set of balloons.
Ignore them.
Come on,
stick close to me.
Hardy, I can't go
to the prom with you.
Everyone knows I 'm
the only friend you have.
Hardy.
Hardy,
you'll blow my cover.
All right,
I'll go in alone,
but I 'm gonna
keep my eye on you.
Ok.
[heavy breathing]
[holds breath]
[rock and roll music
playing]
♪ I can't stop dancin',
I got tappin' feet ♪
♪ I can't stop movin'
to that funky beat ♪
♪ I can't stop sweatin'
when you're close to me ♪
♪ Girl, you got some
kind of spell on me! ♪
♪ I can't stop dancin',
I can't stop dancin' ♪
♪ When you're standin'
close to me ♪
Hello there.
You do drugs?
♪ I can't stop dancin',
I can't stop dancin' ♪
♪ You move so fine
and you look so sweet ♪
Boy: Nitrous oxide?
Quaaludes?
Hey, how about
some peyote?
You younger guys are
always looking for action.
Come on, let's dance.
I don't care
about my life so much
as long as they bury me
in that crown.
Patti, I like
your set of values.
♪ I can't stop dancin',
I can't stop dancin' ♪
♪ You move so fine
and you look so sweet ♪
Peters: get out
of there, Malvert.
Malvert can have punch.
Malvert
help make punch.
What are you
talking about?
Malvert pee red.
♪ I can't stop dancin',
I can't stop dancin' ♪
Just one tab.
I really have to go.
You sure?
♪ I can't stop dancin',
I can't stop dancin' ♪
♪ You move so fine
and you look so sweet ♪
♪ Whoo! Your dress
is ridin' way up high ♪
♪ Girl, your eyes
have got me hypnotized ♪
♪ Girl, your lips are
like a blazin' fire ♪
[southern accent]
Hi there, big boy.
Oh! I'm sorry.
Well,
you look so young,
and I thought you
were a student. Heh.
You're the principal,
aren't you?
Yes, uh...
do I know you, my dear?
Well,
I don't think so.
See, I just
transferred here,
and with you being
so busy and all.
Principal.
Such
an important job.
Why, just look
at all those keys.
Indeed, I 've got
heavy responsibilities.
Aw, poor thing.
May I ask
where you come from?
[groans]
Harlow,
you're not mingling.
I'm telling you,
that's her.
She wants my crown.
I'll find out.
I'll go dance with her.
If I don't
get a hard-on,
it's Toby for sure.
♪ I can't stop dancin' ♪
♪ When you're standin'
close to me ♪
♪ I can't stop dancin' ♪
♪ I can't stop dancin' ♪
♪ You move so fine
and you look so sweet ♪
♪ I can't stop dancin' ♪
Who's this?
Who's this?
♪ When you're standin'
close to me ♪
That's not her.
That's not Toby Badger.
♪ You move so fine
and you look so sweet ♪
I know you're only
acting a part, Toby,
but this
is more real
than anything
in my life.
Don't say a word,
please.
I want you to remember
this moment forever.
I will.
And who knows?
Maybe when
this is all over,
maybe we can kiss again.
But right now, I--
I know.
You're in danger.
What can I do
to help?
[mumbles]
Check all
the outside windows.
See if
there's any way in.
Then check
Miss Mumsley 's office.
She's like
Peters' clone.
She could
be involved, too.
I've gotta
go get those keys.
All right.
Mr. Malvert.
Don't scare Malvert.
You know Malvert?
Yes, I know Malvert.
Remember 5-letter word
for stealth-like movement?
Mrs. Malvert!
Yes, yes, Mrs. Malvert.
Listen, you've
gotta come help me.
Malvert come.
[panting]
Where is it?
Yeah, where is it?
We gotta make
horse head bookend.
[machine hammering]
Mr. Peters
treats you badly
like the others,
doesn't he?
Yes, he mean
to Malvert.
Then you can help me
and get even.
How?
Listen...
♪ Why don't you say
what you mean? ♪
♪ Say what you mean ♪
[laughter]
♪ How do you mean
what you say? ♪
♪ Mean what you say ♪
Down, Malvert.
Down!
Did you
get them?
Uhh! I said his keys,
not his cheese.
Oh. Oh, Malvert,
you're wonderful.
[balloons squeak]
Miss Mumsley :
Students, quiet, please.
Students.
[music stops]
[gunshot ricochets,
glass breaks]
Thank you for your courtesy.
I have
a special announcement.
Since all of the prom queen
candidates have been killed
except miss Patti Priswell,
the teachers' committee
has decided
it would be inappropriate
to award the crown
to a student this year.
They can't do this.
We can do
anything we want.
We're teachers.
Boy: Teachers suck!
And so we have decided
to award the crown this year
to a king--
a king of learning--
your principal
Harlow Hebrew Peters!
[all booing]
[crying]
Patti, stop it!
[sobbing]
Oh, I want
to slash my face.
Oh, if I can't be
the prettiest girl
in school,
I want
to be the ugliest.
Come on, Patti,
I understand this
incredible sense of loss
you must be feeling.
It's a very trying moment
for a tender girl like yourself.
But I want you to know,
underneath this uniform
is the best body
in this school.
Let's ball.
[shuts machine off]
Was it good for you?
Scott:
'Cause he's my hero.
Patti: What if
someone finds us?
Patti...
double time.
At ease.
I'm nervous.
There's nothing
to be nervous about.
I'm worried.
What are you
worried about?
I'm scared.
Would you pipe down
and strip?
I wanna get this over with
before you change your mind.
I've changed my mind.
What if the murderer
should find us?
How's he gonna
find us here?
I can't do it with
all these horse heads
staring at me.
I can't help it.
These horse heads
make me hot.
[whispering]
Horse heads?
[clunk]
What was that?
Rahr!
I heard heavy breathing.
It's me.
Look, it's safe.
I got protection.
You don't have one,
and don't
try to tell me
you've
had a vasectomy.
Please don't
pull that line.
Look, I know
where I can get one.
Where?
I planned an occasion
like this last summer.
I got one
planted upstairs.
[chuckles]
Where are you going?
Behind
the men's room toilet.
Ha! You're crazy.
I got the idea
from Godfather I.
Wait here, and
don't open the door
for anyone but me.
That's an order,
soldier.
[laughs]
[rumbling]
Scott?
Scott?
[rumbling growing louder]
Aah!
Who is it?
[heavy breathing]
Oh, it's you!
You brought me the crown.
Oh, I 'm prom queen
after all.
Aah!
[machine gun fire,
explosions, sirens]
[train bell ringing]
[noises stop]
All right, soldier.
You countermanded
a direct order
by leaving
that door open,
and as soon
as we're done here,
you're gonna
police the whole area.
Scott: Patti?
[singsong]
Just kidding.
Look, another minute,
I'll have my clothes off,
and, uh...
we'll break the rules
together.
And don't worry about it--
one fully-tested safety,
government-issued,
and I even
cleaned my weapon.
Patti?
Patti, you finally
got your crown.
Mother of god
and country,
you're dead.
Let's have one
for old times' sake.
Bleah.
Well, I won't
be needing this.
[heavy breathing]
Who is that?
Who's there?
Hey, I 'm trying
to get laid here.
[heavy breathing]
No!
Aah!
[rustling]
[heavy breathing]
Aw, poor kids.
They bought the farm.
At least I 'm safe.
[chain saw buzzing]
Feet, do your stuff!
[heavy breathing]
What are you doing?
What's up with the saw?
Ohh, I get it.
I get it.
You're the killer.
[chain saw buzzes]
Look, you've killed
10 people already.
11 is the legal limit
in this state.
Best thing you can do
is just unplug the chain saw
and--and hand it over to me.
[buzz]
Keep it.
What do you want,
my life?
What would you
do with it?
Take my car.
It's a gorgeous k-car.
I just washed it
an hour ago.
I buy Japanese.
[heavy breathing]
Ooh, better idea.
While you got
the buzz saw,
I'll teach you how
to make horse head bookends
for all your books.
Ah, ptuh!
Ah, you probably don't
have much time for reading,
what with your schedule.
Only smut.
Please...
from one sicko
to another,
I'm begging you...
[chuckles]
[crying]
Mommy...
mommy.
[chain saw buzzing]
Ah ah ah ah.
Not bad.
Ahh.
Were you gonna use that--
that on flesh?
Uh-huh.
Where's your rotary?
That's for wood.
Huh? Ahh!
I can see
the heavy breathing,
but shut off the buzz saw.
[chain saw
shuts off]
Good.
Now, this is
what you gotta do.
First, unplug
the buzz saw.
Good.
Now oil it
and clean it.
[sprays oil]
Wipe that grease off.
Ahh!
Good.
Now put it back
in the case.
[heavy
breathing]
Put it back on the shelf
where it belongs.
[thunk]
Ha ha ha.
[keys jingling]
[balloons squeak]
[rattling]
[balloons squeak]
Harlow, Harlow,
where are you going?
I'm gonna check
my office.
I think
I lost my keys
and my cheese.
[marbles rattling]
Toby, thinking:
Harlot.
Slut.
Floozie.
Bad girl.
Whore.
Bimbo.
Toby.
Oh.
Oh, Mr. Peters.
You--
you startled me.
I wouldn't
want to do that.
Um...
I wanted
to thank you
for having
Dr. Sigmund, um,
have those sessions
with me.
It was very helpful.
Oh?
And that's why
you're here in my office?
Yes!
Yes, that's right.
Toby, I 'm curious.
Did you expect to find me
in the filing cabinet?
Oh. Oh, that.
Oh, you mean these?
Well, I was looking
at these pictures,
and--and, well,
I couldn't wait
for the yearbook
to come out.
Is that so, Toby?
No. Um...
do you really want
to know the truth?
Yes, Toby.
Tell me the truth.
[sighs] Well--
well, the truth is--
it's that--
well, as you know,
everyone suspects me
of having something
to do with the murders,
like me
being the murderer.
And--and--and so
I was just thinking--
Yes, go on, Toby.
What were you thinking?
Well, to tell you
the truth,
I didn't know
what to think.
You're a bright girl, Toby.
Surely you have some theory
developed by now.
Well, yes,
as a matter of fact,
I think that
the murderer knew
all the victims.
Yes, go on.
And he must've had
access to the school...
Good. Good.
Because of
the murder weapons.
Toby: Someone
who's immature
and crazy and--
and deranged and--
and someone
who wanted to see
harm come
to the students.
Someone like--
someone like
the principal.
Yes, someone
like the principal.
Mr. Peters!
You're naked!
Yes, Toby.
All these years
I've been secretly naked
underneath my clothes.
But did anyone notice?
Any girls?
Any prom queen candidates?
No.
All those lithesome
budding bodies
changing from girlhood
to womanhood,
like moths
into butterflies,
year after year,
right before my eyes.
Do you realize
how that affects a man?
Um...
it makes you hot?
That's right, Toby.
It makes me...hot.
Especially the naughty ones
like Julie
and Bertha and Joan
and Dagmar.
[heavy breathing]
Do you want to know why
I think they were murdered?
No. Yes!
Why?
Because they were naughty.
Naughty?
Disgustingly naughty.
Each and every one of them
was caught doing...sex.
Sex? Yuck!
That's right, Toby.
Yecch.
Sex is dirty
and sex is bad.
Yes. Yes, I agree.
I--
well, I don't know.
I've never
really done it.
But you would
like to do it,
wouldn't you?
Yes. No! No.
Excuse me a moment.
I'll be right back.
What--what are you
going to do?
Have you ever seen
our school trophy, Toby?
No, I--
I never knew
we ever won a trophy.
Oh, we did.
In 20 years,
we only won one trophy.
Ahh, the typing team
really came through that year.
Typing team?
We retired the typewriter,
but we kept the trophy.
I'll be back.
[door closes]
[ringing]
Hello?
Hello, um--
Listen, I 'm in
terrible danger
and I need
some help.
Recording: You have
reached the police.
We are closed.
Look out behind you!
[gasps]
I'm back again.
Look.
Look behind you.
You're not going to fool me
with that old trick.
See? I was right.
This is our trophy, Toby.
Look!
No!
[bell clanking]
Miss Mumsley : Well,
she's not in the men's room.
Malvert:
When we catch her,
can Malvert
kill her first, ok?
Ok, but I get
first crack at her.
[voices arguing]
Dr. Sigmund:
hello, all.
Dr. Sigmund,
what are you doing here?
And what's
that hideous creature
at the end
of the leash?
I tamper with
nature as a hobby.
I crossed a flounder
with a walrus
and a horny toad.
What did you get?
A fish with warts
and a mustache
that can't
get a date.
It really belongs
in a zoo.
Thanks,
but they refused it.
Well, good night.
She's got to be
here someplace.
I'll look
in the men's room.
Malvert: Ok.
Aah!
Ohh.
Aah! Hardy!
Hardy!
Hardy! Hardy!
Hardy, I killed
Mr. Peters,
and I think
he's a murderer,
and everything's
so horrible!
Hardy--
Aaaah!
Ohhh!
He's dead, my dear,
just like the others.
I didn't have time
to bag him.
Miss Mumsley!
Yes, Miss Mumsley.
Do you think
I look good in green?
Why, yes, I think
it's quite flattering.
Thank you.
Too bad
you have to die.
You're the only one
of the girls
who didn't
get laid first.
Then you did it.
I only kill
the boys.
He killed the girls.
It breaks up
the monotony.
But why?
Why not?
I never told him.
He had no idea.
I did it
to protect him
in case there
were any witnesses.
I don't understand.
Because he was my son.
You're his mother?!
No, his father.
Oh, my god!
Father-mother.
But why did you do it?
Because I loved him.
Listen,
please let me go and--
and I won't tell anyone
you're crazy.
I swear!
Hold still
while I kill you.
I'm an old woman
with arthritis.
[horse whinnies]
[horse nickers]
[cackling laugh]
Ohh!
Hee hee hee!
[creaks]
[squeaking]
[gorilla roars]
Ha ha ha!
[gunshot echoing]
Aah!
[all laughing]
[monstrous roaring]
This way out.
Ohh!
Aah!
Toby, snap out of it.
Snap out of it, Toby.
[gasps]
Hardy?
Julie.
Bertha.
Toby: Patti and Scott,
you're all alive!
You're all alive and--
and you're who you are
in real life.
Oh, Mr. Dumpkin,
I had this dream and--
and you weren't even
my French teacher!
I will always be
your French teacher.
But you were surrounded
by all these horse heads.
Qu'est-ce que c'est,
a horse head?
You must've had
a terrible dream, no?
A terrible dream?
It was a nightmare.
Oh, this swine flu
really affected my mind.
I--I dreamt that all
my friends were murdered
because
they were having sex.
Sounds reasonable.
Toby: Mr. Mumsley,
you were a woman.
And Mr. Peters,
you were the principal and--
it's all due
to sexual repression
and urban stress,
my dear.
So who was the murderer?
Luke, you can walk.
Yeah, I have been
since I was 2 years old.
And Mr. Malvert,
you were a janitor.
Absurd!
No, really,
I was at this prom and--
and there was
this weird red punch.
Sometimes,
Peters pee red.
While you
were unconscious,
we all felt so sorry
for you that, well,
the gang voted you
prom queen.
It was
Patti Priswell 's idea.
But, Patti,
all through my dream
all you wanted
was the crown.
It's all I wanted
in my dreams, too.
Will you put these
in water for me?
Sure.
In any event, people,
Toby needs her rest.
We can all
visit her tomorrow.
Don't forget your appointment
on Tuesday, my dear.
Bye-bye.
What was I like
in your dream?
Well, besides me,
you were the only one
who was normal.
Yeah.
Boring, isn't it?
Nope.
Boring gets me hot.
And I don't have
any more nightmares.
Good.
Dr. Sigmund told me
that sexual repression
causes swine flu,
so I think it's time
for me to do it.
Here? Now?
Ok.
All I ask is that
you just turn your back
while I undress, ok?
Yes.
And I 'll slip into
something more comfortable.
[heavy breathing]
Hardy.
Hardy, what are you doing
with those rubber gloves on?
Hardy, why are you
breathing so heavy?
I'm the killer.
Hardy, you're
not the killer.
You're my friend,
remember?
That was a dream.
This is reality.
Why are you
doing this?
I don't know.
I guess I 'm just
that kind of guy!
Aah! Aah!
Uhh!
Hardy, no!
I know it's unusual
for a psychiatrist
to speak at a funeral,
but this was my client.
The latest victim,
Toby Badger,
just laid to rest.
She suffered severe
social repression,
countered by
an expressed nausea
towards sex,
which led to severe
social alienation
causing huge
psychological problems,
leading to the greatest
psychological problem
of them all, death.
Let us pay
our final respects,
but the living must go on
and make a new beginning,
hopefully in a spirit
of openness
and sharing of grief,
individually
or in groups.
I'm sorry I had
to kill you, Toby.
You just shouldn't
have done it.
I lost respect,
but I do
still love you.
Others have only
brought you one flower,
but I 've brought you 2.
And if we should
ever meet again--
Aah!
[choking]
[ghosts howling]
[wolf howls]
[heavy breathing]
[duck quacks]
Breather: Ohh.
[telephone rings]
Hummers residence.
Woman: Hi, Julie.
Oh, hi, Toby.
Listen, I forgot
to give you the answers
to that history question
on the civil war.
Now, just remember,
the north won.
Oh, heavy. Hey, are you sure
you don't want to come over?
Maybe Charlie could
bring a friend or two.
No.
And you better
be careful.
Sometimes when a person
acts wild and crazy,
wild and crazy things
happen to them.
They do?
Yeah, believe me.
Anything could happen
in this creepy place,
but I have a feeling
it's the last time I baby-sit.
Listen, I gotta go.
Ok, bye, Toby.
[meow]
[meow]
[meow]
[meow]
[meow meow]
[meow]
[farts]
[ring]
Hello.
[heavy breathing]
Hello.
[ring]
[ring]
[ring]
Breather: I said...
[heavy breathing]
[wolf howls]
[wolf howls]
[ring]
[ring]
[ring]
[ring]
[heavy breathing]
[slobbering]
Ohh!
Aah!
Surprise.
Charlie!
Cut the chit-chat.
Let's just do it.
Ooh, what's
that chickeny taste?
It's chicken.
Did you just call
a minute ago and hang up?
Who, me?
Not here.
Not now.
Where?
When?
Upstairs, 10 seconds.
[springs squeak]
Nice.
Charlie, you clean?
What kind of
a question is that?
Of course I 'm clean.
Besides, you can't
wash away herpes.
Take a shower!
Orders get me hot.
I'll be waiting for you.
[humming]
♪ She'll be coming
'round the mountain ♪
[heavy breathing]
Breather: Ahh.
Breather: Ahh.
[humming]
[heavy breathing]
[heavy footsteps]
[humming]
[heavy breathing]
[heavy footsteps]
Charlie,
is that you thumping?
[humming]
[heavy breathing]
All these stairs.
[humming]
[footsteps]
[heavy breathing]
I hope I don't die first.
[heavy breathing]
[grunting]
Sugarless.
[doorknob creaks]
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Sahara Tahoe.
It's show time.
Hey, Julie.
Hey, your feet
are cold.
Here, turn over.
Julie.
Julie, you're
not responding
to my maleness.
Julie,
are you asleep?
[heavy breathing]
Holy shit!
No!
Woman:
What a waste of money.
$10 for a movie,
$5.00 for popcorn.
Man: Don't forget
$15 for parking
and a baby-sitter.
If I see one more
horror film, I 'll throw up.
What makes them
think the American public
wants to watch
such stupid trash?
You're right, dear.
Now hurry up
or we'll miss
The Dukes of Hazzard.
She left the door open.
Julie, we're home.
Where is that girl?
I hope she wasn't
murdered in our bed.
Woman: Aaah!
Aaaah!
Aaaah!
What's wrong?
Look at the sink!
Your finger?
You hurt your finger?
She didn't
wash the dishes!
75 cents an hour.
She didn't wash
one dish.
Where is that girl?
Maybe she's watching TV.
At 75 cents
an hour?
We'll see
about that.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Chicken.
Hmm.
Broken.
[heavy breathing]
Aaaah!
She left the TV on!
Oh, where is that girl?
I'll find her.
I'll find her.
The TV is left on,
the dishes undone,
and look at this mess.
She's ruined the stairs.
What's going on in my home
at 75 cents an hour?
Calm down, calm down.
You know
how high-strung you are.
The doctor said
one more heart attack
and it's all over
for you.
Are you murmuring?
Fluttering?
Do you want your pills?
Don't worry
about the stairs.
I'll clean them.
You know how I like
cleaning gum off of things.
The important thing is that
you calm down and relax.
Well, I 'll be darned.
Aah!
Today is a sad day for me,
perhaps the saddest
in my tenure
as principal
of our school,
dear old Lamab High.
For me, to look
down on the corpses
of 2 former students
is very painful,
and I 'll bet it's no picnic
for the parents either,
but we must go on,
for although
today is a sad day,
it is also a big day--
the day of the big parade.
The big game...
I told her
to be careful.
Shh.
I told her
not to have
Charlie
come over.
Why wouldn't
she listen?
The big queen crowning,
the big yearbook
signing party,
the big panty raid,
the big
tree trimming.
Stop. How can you
think of sex now?
I can never stop
thinking about it.
Funerals get me hot.
Now this, the big funeral.
Now, we could moan
about the fact
that we have to have
the extracurricular
activities in one day
due to state budget cuts,
but that wouldn't be
in the spirit of Lamab High,
would it?
Let's hear it for life.
Ok, give me a boo!
Give me a hoo!
Give me a boo hoo hoo!
Beat death!
Yay!
Thank you, members
of the pep team.
Sex kills.
Sex kills.
Back, Malvert, back!
Do you want people
to be suspicious of you?
Look at those two
sneaking off.
Boy: Maybe they have to go
to the bathroom or something.
We can't do it now.
My mother
found my diaphragm.
What?
I'll get
some protection.
I'll get foam
and rubbers.
Don't start
without me.
[heavy breathing]
Breather: Yoo-hoo.
Anybody home?
Joe, what's that?
I'm gonna give you
horse head.
You're not Joe!
Aah!
Joe: Oh, you started
without me.
Bertha?
[heavy breathing]
Bertha?
Oh! [gasps]
Oh, Mrs. Smith,
I'm Mrs. Hummers.
Julie was baby-sitting
at my house when she got it.
Now I wanted you to have
the money I owed her.
It's all there.
5 hours at 65 cents an hour.
Oh, and I also included
Julie 's car fare--
one way, of course.
So, I mean, it's not
your fault, you know?
I've been trying to tell you
that all this time.
Don't worry.
Oh, look. There's Joe.
Joe!
This is not
very funny!
Joe, this is not
my idea of a joke,
and--and you're acting
in very bad taste!
Aah!
Oh, Hardy,
have you been
fooling around with
my bicycle seat again?
No.
What did you hit now?
Damn dog again.
Where are you?!
Where are you?!
What do you think
you're doin'?
Hey, man,
that's my parking space.
Can't you see I 'm
blind?
Hey, I 'm more
handicapped than you.
I can't even make love
to a woman!
I can never find one!
Now move it.
Hey, that's
our parking spot.
Great physical beauty
can be a handicap, too.
Who could have
done these murders?
I don't know.
It could have been anybody.
Well, it can't
be anybody.
It's gotta be
somebody.
Well, of course,
it's somebody.
But that somebody
could be anybody.
Well, look,
we didn't do it, right?
Right.
So you can't say
it could be anybody.
We're anybody.
True. But
we're also somebody.
Whoever the killer is
couldn't have chosen
a worse day.
In any case, we must
remember the 3 Ps :
No police,
no publicity, and, uh...
No pasta.
Don't let the pressure
get to you, Harlow.
That's
the third "p."
I can't stand
the pressure.
You're
a brilliant educator.
You need some rest.
[bell rings]
Class, today we will learn
how to make...
a horse head bookend.
[class groans]
Perhaps man's highest
cultural achievement
is the horse head bookend.
With rape...
and violence...
rampant in this land.
With human flesh
cheap and...
and vulgarized,
one of the last bastions
of decency
is the gentle satisfaction
one gains
from making
a horse head bookend.
Just a minute, son.
Me, sir?
Yeah, yeah, the one
in the bed sheets.
Take that tambourine
off your head.
You belong to this school?
Yes, sir.
My name is Mawamba.
Is that a fact?
Do you know the school year
began in September?
This is
the last day in June.
I'm a bussing student,
sir, from the zowie.
The zowie?
That near Philadelphia?
It's in Africa, sir.
That's why I 'm late.
My bus just got in.
Do you know
anything about...
horse head bookends?
No, sir.
Good.
Now we only have
one day to work with you
'cause it's
the last day of school.
Now you're gonna make
horse heads, jungle boy.
You're gonna have horse heads
coming out of your ears.
Now one more question.
Would you mind
telling me...
how come you're not
in your neighborhood school?
It's a court order.
A court order, huh?
A court order?
Now that the right people
have taken over this country,
you're gonna see
some real court orders.
Now sit down
and make horse heads.
Now, remember, class...
You won't believe
what I saw over there.
What?
Don't ask.
Look--look at this.
Where did you get that?
I found it where Joe
and bertha were murdered.
They shouldn't have been
doing that at a funeral.
Talking?
During horse head bookends?
Who was that?
Sure, the girl.
What have we here, Miss...
"Shouldn't be
in the class anyway"?
Well, it's a horse head
bookend, Mr. Duncan.
You stained it
and everything.
Yes, sir.
I couldn't have done
a better job myself.
That's what I was thinking.
Don't mind us, girls.
We prom queen candidates
have to get changed
for the parade.
Hey, how come I
have to break my ass
playing volleyball
while you get
all dolled up?
'cause I 'm beautiful
and you're hideous.
Oh, yeah? Someday,
you'll be old and ugly.
Oh, no, I won't.
Take a look at this.
I have these saved up
for the very first sign
of wrinkles.
What is it,
vitamin E?
Cyanide capsules.
Death before disfigurement.
You're sick.
Girl: Has anybody
seen Toby?
She's in big trouble.
She was found
with a weapon, and...
Breather:
Ha. I love locker rooms.
I love girls' locker rooms.
I love sweat.
I love girls' sweat.
[heavy breathing]
what's the matter
with you guys?
I don't know what's
the matter with them,
but I 'm nervous about
becoming prom queen.
Breather: queens.
Hey, you
haven't won yet.
Well, listen, darling,
with a figure like this...
Breather:
Nice figure.
...that's French.
French. French.
I like French.
[heavy breathing]
Skin.
[breathing faster]
Boobs! Boobs!
Very fun.
Itchy. Icky.
I'm taking it
out of my pants.
I'm doin' what my mommy
told me not to do.
[heavy panting]
Oh! Ah!
Oh! Oh! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aahooh!
Girl: All right,
let's move it! Let's go!
[all chattering]
[heavy breathing]
[breathing faster]
[inhales,
slow, deep breathing]
[breathing stops]
[breathing]
[breathing stops]
[breathing quietly]
[heavy breathing]
[gasping]
Why do they always
run away from me?
It's the galoshes.
They're a dead giveaway.
Why do I wear 'em?
It isn't even raining.
[heavy breathing]
My luck.
I picked a jogger.
[heavy breathing]
[heavy breathing]
Unh! I can't get a break!
[grunts]
[heavy breathing]
Aah! Oh!
Mr. Malvert!
You Mrs. Malvert.
No!
Say no to Malvert?
Yes! No!
Help Malvert.
Malvert have big problem.
5-letter word
for stealth-like.
Creep!
Malvert thanks!
[band playing when
The Saints Go Marching In]
Lovely day
for a parade.
Or a murder.
Yes.
Principal:
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Lamab High
Marching Band.
The finest marching band
on this street
at this moment.
And remember,
my dear friends,
this may not be the biggest
parade in the world,
but it will be
the most sincere.
We have dedicated it
to those students
who have...passed on.
For, like everyone else,
even the dead
love a parade.
I'd like to make a special
appeal to the killer.
Hasn't there been
enough senseless killing?
Let's have a murder
that makes sense.
The cheerleaders are
taking off their blouses.
Yeah, yeah!
And the prom queen
candidates, no clothes on.
Oh, man, yeah!
So you got my dollar?
And on the next float,
our lovely prom queen
candidates,
uh, or what's left
of them.
[heavy breathing
in tune with song]
Meet Patti Priswell,
Joan d'amico,
and Barry, our boy queen
candidate.
Man, that Dagmar
sure looks good.
Are you crazy?
Later, man.
Our school mascot
the bull.
When I say that
Kanab has the finest
educational standards
in the state,
what do you say? Bull!
Look, over there.
[roars]
Did you see that?
Hardy: Well, maybe
he's helping her
find a bathroom
or something.
Let's get
comfortable, baby.
The floor may be
hard, but I 'm soft.
Couldn't you pick
a better place?
I can't help it.
Hollow bulls
get me hot.
[heavy breathing]
Here I am.
You always want
to do it in the daytime.
Can't we do it
at night?
Yeah, but--
Breather: Let me see.
A murder weapon.
What's in
this goddamn float?
Ok, ok, it's
gonna be slow.
Hey, man!
Hey, slow down!
[Breather becomes
more excited]
Breather:
I gotta find something.
There must be something.
Ah! All right!
No!
You like eggplant?
Not eggplant! Aah!
[roars]
Ok, baby.
Breather:
♪ Welcome back! ♪
Ooh, I like
your outfit.
What's this? I thought
you hated eggplant.
Ralph?
Dagmar? Aah!
[heavy breathing]
No!
Toby: Where are you?
You guys, I saw you
come down here.
Dagmar? Aah!
[roars]
It's a big day!
Big day, big day,
Miss Mumsley.
Oh, my god.
Student bodies!
Student bodies!
Ladies and gentlemen,
in order to achieve
an "R" rating today,
a motion picture must
contain full frontal nudity,
graphic violence,
or an explicit reference
to the sex act.
Since this film
has none of those
and since research
has proven
that "R"-rated films
are by far the most popular
with the movie-going
public,
the producers
of this motion picture
have asked me to take
this opportunity to say
fuck you.
Finished.
They're gone.
Hardy?
Aah!
What have we here,
Miss "shouldn't be
on the float anyway"?
Wait a minute.
No!
No. I--
I didn't do it!
I didn't do it!
I never do it!
3 down.
This is the anatomy
of the frog,
and here, thousands
of years later, man.
Quite a difference,
huh, class?
And yet
is he perfect?
I think not.
This is totally
unnecessary, ugly,
and gets in the way.
Now...
I can't believe
about all this talk
about Toby being involved
in these murders.
It isn't true.
She's reflecting
very poorly
on our school.
If she has any sense
of self-honor
and decency,
she'd kill herself.
Now, we can't go around
changing men's anatomy,
legally, that is. But
we can change a frog's.
Now if you will all please
expose your frogs.
First, we will remove
all these ugly
little frog penises.
[frog croaks]
Cigarette?
Ok. I'll come
straight to the point.
You're the murderer.
No. That's
impossible!
I wouldn't
hurt a fly.
[fly buzzing]
The girl's
obviously a liar.
Let's give her
the chair.
If you want, I can
saw her head off.
Now wait a minute.
May I make a suggestion?
Instead of sending Toby
directly to jail--
What? And
let her pass go
and collect $200?
No way.
No, I meant
it would be a good idea
if Toby saw
our school psychiatrist
before we came
to any firm conclusions.
I don't believe
in psychiatrists.
What did they
ever do for me?
Obviously
nothing.
Dr. Sigmund is
an eminently--imm--
a top man who has
treated many murderers
before they killed.
I feel strongly
that the proper
course of action
is a thorough psychiatric
consultation. Ok?
No.
I don't think so.
Good. Then it's settled.
Good-bye, and thanks
for your confidence
in me, Mr. Peters.
It's not really
confidence, my dear.
I think you're crazy.
Now let's examine
the evidence again.
Now, here are
the murder weapons.
Now, who would logically
have access to them?
One paperclip.
Harlow,
that's yours.
3 trash bags. Now who
could these belong to?
What's he doing?
This used
to be the rest room
before they remodeled
the building,
and Malvert thinks
it's still here.
I keep a trash can
over there
for just this purpose.
Better to be safe
than sorry.
Of course, the man
deserves some respect.
He was a teacher
before the accident.
What accident?
Oh, he was in
a terrible crash,
he got rammed
from both the front
and the back
at the same time.
Poor fellow
got whiplash
in both directions.
Poor soul. Once
a teacher, now a janitor.
He does enjoy
the raise in pay.
Malvert afford hookers.
All done?
No. [urinates]
Now done.
You can't get
angry with him.
He gets teased
unmercifully.
Wait a minute.
Now, he
could be our man.
Look at him.
Look at him!
He's got blood
on his hands.
No. Since accident,
Malvert
sometimes pee red.
You know
good urologist?
[telephone rings]
I'll get it. I'm
farthest from the phone.
Miss Mumsley :
That makes sense.
[ring]
[spring breaks]
[ring]
Hello.
Hello! I won't
beat around the bush.
I killed everybody,
and I 'm glad! Heh heh!
I appreciate
your honesty.
What makes your voice
sound so funny?
I'm disguising it,
schmuck.
How?
By talking through
a rubber chicken.
I thought it sounded
like you were
speaking through
a rubber chicken.
Listen, I 'm going to kill
next at the football game.
Click!
Did you hang up?
No. I just said click.
[dial tone]
Well,
who was that?
The killer--
chicken lips.
And if that
was the killer,
then Malvert
can't be guilty.
You can go,
Malvert.
Damn. Malvert
never get picked!
[bell rings]
I've never been
to a shrink before.
What do I say?
Tell him anything
he wants to hear.
I don't know
what to tell.
Just don't let him
give you a lobotomy
like they did
to Jack Nicholson
in Cuckoo's Nest.
No,
I don't think so.
That would really
mess you up. Don't worry.
I'm scared.
It's routine.
[sniffles] I 'm sorry.
I promised myself
I wouldn't cry.
That's ok. It's
all right to cry.
Perhaps
this will help.
I'm sorry
I'm out of Kleenex.
Thank you, Dr. Sigmund.
Don't be so formal.
Call me Pischer.
Toby,
I'm going to ask you
a difficult
question.
Are you up for it?
I--I think so,
Dr. Sigmund.
Please,
don't be so formal.
Call me daddy.
Daddy? Wouldn't that
be unusual?
Not really, Toby.
You see, some day
I hope to be famous,
a father image
to the disturbed.
All I need is one...
[heavy breathing]
Sensational case.
Multiple personality,
perhaps.
Proof that reincarnation
does exist, perhaps.
The devil
as a patient, perhaps.
Perhaps...
perhaps...
perhaps...perhaps...
perhaps.
Somebody's been
using my office.
[heavy breathing]
Tell me, Toby...
how do you feel
about sex?
What?
Did I pronounce it
right?
Well...
You mean between
a man and a woman.
Yes. Or the species
of your choice.
Well...
well, I think that--
that sex can be
a beautiful thing
if 2 people
are in love and--
and are married
and can share and
care for one another.
Uh-huh.
2 souls
blending into one.
2 hot bodies pressed
against each other's flesh!
Stop!
But at the same time,
it can be so ugly and--
and dirty and disgusting.
Yuck. My father--
Your father's name
was yuck?
Tell me
about your father.
Did you like yuck?
Oh, no. I hated him.
When I was a child,
he used to beat me
and lock me in my room
with him in it!
Don't call me
daddy anymore.
Well, he--
he told me
that sex was bad
and--and dirty and--
and your mother?
What did
she tell you?
She also told me that
sex was bad and dirty,
but only with my father.
With everyone else,
she said it was great.
[sobbing]
Thank you.
Your fellow students
who were murdered,
they had sex,
didn't they, Toby?
Yes, but I
tried to warn them.
But the police say
you may be involved
in these murders.
Why would I kill
my best friends?
Listen, you've
gotta believe me!
I believe you, Toby.
But sometimes
the mind plays
strange tricks.
We do things
and afterwards
we don't remember
doing them.
[pipe clunks]
We become forgetful.
Did you know
that forgetfulness
was classified as
a mental illness?
I didn't do anything
I wasn't aware of.
[bell rings]
And--and I don't
feel so well now,
and I 'd like to return
to class, please.
Of course.
We'll continue
some other time.
Good-bye, Sybil,
Uh, eve.
Toby.
Toby.
Today, we will discuss
shakespeare's Hamlet.
Who was Hamlet?
His dog.
His dog?
Wasn't he
a Great Dane?
[students laugh]
Class!
In all my years
of teaching,
that is the stupidest answer
I have ever heard.
Go back
to grammar school.
I know where it is.
I'll show you.
Whoa!
Ok, ok.
Be careful! Hey, where's
your seeing eye dog?
Sorry, man. He stole
my car and everything.
My legs, my legs!
Hamlet is one
of shakespeare's
greatest tragedies.
It is the story of a prince,
the prince of Denmark,
a melancholy man
whose mother is
sleeping with his uncle.
I can relate
to that.
And how does he
solve this problem?
Students: Murder!
Sorry I 'm late.
Take your seat, please.
Peters on P.A.:
Attention, students.
As principal, I am
obligated to report
that Toby Badger
has just come
from a psychiatric session
with Dr. Sigmund.
While Dr. Sigmund
has not reached
any formal conclusion,
he does however feel
there is strong evidence
that Toby may indeed
be the psychotic killer
we've been all looking for.
But until this is confirmed
at a later date,
please treat her just like
any other student.
Murderer!
Bye, killer.
There, there, Harlow.
Don't fret.
You do have
a lot on your mind.
A lot on my mind?
The big day,
the big game,
the big parade,
6 big deaths--
you'd call that
a lot on my mind?
Here, speak
to the student bodies.
You know how you like
having your voice amplified.
Good afternoon, students.
This is Mr. Peters,
your principal.
I have some good news
and some bad news.
The good news is the killer
has definitely been identified
as a psychotic individual
suffering from
paranoiac schizophrenia.
He is armed and dangerous.
The bad news is
we have no idea who it is.
If anyone should
come across an individual
matching this description,
please call me at once,
but don't do it
in front of him.
And remember,
the big football game...
Mr. Malvert,
I wanted to talk to you.
If for some reason
suspicion should fall
on our dear Mr. Peters,
we would like you
to confess.
Well, Mr. Peters
is a valuable asset
to society,
while you are mere scum.
What difference
would jail make to you?
You'll have fun
with the boys.
Women don't
like you much now.
I certainly don't.
Homosexuality is
the up-and-coming thing.
[band playing]
Call again.
Mine.
[blows whistle]
[crowd cheering]
All right! Come on!
Man, wheels, how'd you
get such great seats?
The 50-yard line.
Yeah, I used my influence.
Give me the money.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
[band playing]
[crowd cheering]
Red hots! Hot dogs!
Peanuts!
Give me a hot dog.
Here's your hot dog.
You want mustard?
Yeah, give me some--
How about
something to drink?
Yeah, gi--
[gulps]
Hot dog.
Hot dog!
Here's your hot dog.
Here's your hot dog.
Here, you want
mustard, too?
Here you are.
Peanuts!
Here.
I'm gonna buy you
a hot dog.
Then you'll
like Malvert.
Hot dog!
Malvert: Slut! Slut!
All women alike!
All women with Malvert.
I still think
the boys are being killed
and then stuffed
in the trash bags.
Not necessarily.
It's a well-known fact
that if you put a male
inside a 3-ply hefty bag,
tightly tied at the top,
they'll suffocate
in a matter of minutes.
You can believe me.
That's how
they were murdered.
You're on. Hey, chief,
get over here.
Yes, sir?
Get in the bag.
Why?
Because
I told you so.
Yes, sir.
Oof!
[blows whistle]
[blows whistle]
[thumping]
I'm bad.
That's right. I'm bad.
Hey, blood. Hey, bro.
What's happenin'?
Hey, blood. Whoo!
[crowd cheering]
Try to get out.
[whistle blows]
All right.
Come on!
This is boring.
The game sucks anyway.
Excuse me. I have
to make a phone call.
I got a phone
right here.
I feel like grabbing
a quick shave.
Oh? I used
to be a barber.
I just remembered
I must pick up my daughter
at the airport.
Daddy, daddy,
the plane was early!
I'm back!
Come on. Everybody
will be watching the game.
Stop! Look
at all this crap!
Come on, baby.
Come on.
No. Al, let's stop.
It's cold.
All this garbage
is falling.
The garbage
gets me hot.
Ohh!
Ok, ok, stay here.
I'll get a blanket
and a broom.
Ok. Hurry, hurry.
I'm going.
Wrong time. Don't!
I'm just gonna
keep an eye on her.
Toby.
[heavy breathing]
[breath catches]
Heeeere's Breather!
Al? An eraser?!
Aah!
[crowd cheering]
Joan?
Al?
I saw you guys
come down here,
and I just don't think
is a very good idea.
[thud]
Ohh!
Joan, I 've got 'em.
Best broom and blanket
money can buy.
Joan?
You look terrible.
What's
this white powder?
Ecch,
cut with chalk.
Joan?
No! No! No!
[crowd cheering]
[whistle blows]
[heavy breathing]
[whistle blows]
[team cheers]
Referee: No touchdown.
Dead bodies on field.
15-yard penalty.
Take off.
[blows whistle]
All right, listen up now.
There's been
another double murder.
A killer is among us.
All you people
who have had
no previous duress
for criminal charges,
leave the stadium.
All those who have had
no motives
in connection
with this killing,
you can go home.
[crowd murmuring]
All right, now.
All those whose parents
are of the same sex,
you can go.
Damn. Question
was too obvious.
Sheriff: Well, hell,
we ain't got no suspect.
Peters: Where's Toby Badger?
Has anybody seen her?
Sheriff: No, not me.
She's been found on the scene
of all the crimes.
Sheriff: Well, sounds
like the killer to me.
Ok, I want
everyone deputized.
Spread out and
reconnoiter the area.
Any questions?
Yes, Dr. Sigmund.
Dr. Sigmund: Yes,
where did you learn
to speak English,
a zoo?
I understand this killer
strikes only those
who are having sex.
That could wipe out
the entire senior class.
Wait a minute!
No students leave
the school grounds
without filling out
the proper forms.
But they're dead.
Nurse: If we make
an exception for the dead,
we have to make
an exception for everyone!
I better get my forms.
[engine starts]
[siren]
Damn it, son.
We've been here
for 2 hours now,
and we're not
letting you go anywhere
until you tell us
where the murderess is
of these 2 young bodies.
Now, tell me, boy,
have you ever seen
a dead body? Huh?
Well, now,
has anybody in this room
ever seen a dead body?
Now talk, boy.
I'm not a suspect,
and you can't keep me
here any longer,
and if you had any decency,
you'd remove these bodies.
[farts]
There's something
in the air.
Ok. Who had beans
for lunch?
Who did it?
He did.
Peters:
But he's dead.
Nurse:
It's a well-known fact
that corpses
can pass wind,
urinate,
have erections.
There's an old
Welsh saying--
"Dead men tell no tales,
but they fart."
this investigation's
going nowhere.
I'm getting
out of here.
[ring]
That was
a high-pitched one.
That was
the phone.
Hello.
Hello again.
Chicken lips again.
Put him on
the speakerphone.
I will kill next
at the prom.
Oh, yeah? Click.
Did you hang up?
No. I just said click.
Ha ha. I got him.
[farts]
Eww! God!
Coach:
Don't you leave town.
[whispering]
Toby.
Toby.
Toby, wake up.
I didn't do it.
Toby, it's me,
Hardy.
Hardy, where am I?
[sniffs]
Cleveland?
Ugh!
Oh, Hardy, it was
so awful under there.
The worst is over.
[farts]
Toby: Aah!
[crash]
Hardy, you saved me.
That's Ok.
You owe me one.
What is all this?
It's from
the junior class play.
They're doing a nonmusical
version of Grease.
They couldn't get
the rights to the music.
I'm gonna have
to get you out of here.
No, I have
to go to the prom
and find the killer.
But you can't do that.
They'll grab you.
It's the only way
to save my name.
How are you going
to get past the entrance?
I--I 'll have my hand
stamped or something.
I mean
they'll recognize you.
Besides, wouldn't that
be counterproductive?
I'll go in disguise.
I--I need 2 balloons.
Oh. I happen to have 2...
in case I got lucky.
Hardy, can you
please wait outside?
I could wait here.
Ahem. Outside.
Breather: We have
temporarily lost our picture.
Please stand by.
Just kidding.
[heavy breathing]
Hello! It's me,
the Breather.
You're probably
wondering who I am.
Who could I be?
Could I be
the innocent-looking Toby?
Would you trust a girl
who looks like Prince Valiant
in a plum sweater?
Maybe I 'm Dr. Sigmund,
a man who was
once arrested
for corrupting the morals
of a hooker.
Then there's Malvert,
with the I.Q. Of a handball
and the personality
of a parking meter.
Violated.
Could I be the principal
Mr. Peters,
a man who keeps cheese
in his underwear
to attract mice?
Let's not forget
Ms. Leclair--
English teacher by day
and English teacher
by night.
Ah, Miss Mumsley.
She eats 12 prunes a day
and nothing happens.
Nurse Krud
and Miss Van Dyke.
What's in a name?
Everything.
Then there's Dumpkin,
a man who sleeps
with his nuts between
horse head bookends.
Toby! You look
so different.
I put a wig on, and I--
I put these balloons
up here.
They look great.
Can you keep them?
You can have them
when I 'm through.
Now, listen,
I've been thinking.
All the clues have to be
in Mr. Peters' office.
What makes you
think that?
Well, that's where
they've been holding
the investigations
and all the important
evidence.
It's--it's
got to be there.
That does
make sense to me.
Somehow I 've got
to get Mr. Peters' keys.
Hey,
who is that chick?
I don't know, but what
a great set of balloons.
Ignore them.
Come on,
stick close to me.
Hardy, I can't go
to the prom with you.
Everyone knows I 'm
the only friend you have.
Hardy.
Hardy,
you'll blow my cover.
All right,
I'll go in alone,
but I 'm gonna
keep my eye on you.
Ok.
[heavy breathing]
[holds breath]
[rock and roll music
playing]
♪ I can't stop dancin',
I got tappin' feet ♪
♪ I can't stop movin'
to that funky beat ♪
♪ I can't stop sweatin'
when you're close to me ♪
♪ Girl, you got some
kind of spell on me! ♪
♪ I can't stop dancin',
I can't stop dancin' ♪
♪ When you're standin'
close to me ♪
Hello there.
You do drugs?
♪ I can't stop dancin',
I can't stop dancin' ♪
♪ You move so fine
and you look so sweet ♪
Boy: Nitrous oxide?
Quaaludes?
Hey, how about
some peyote?
You younger guys are
always looking for action.
Come on, let's dance.
I don't care
about my life so much
as long as they bury me
in that crown.
Patti, I like
your set of values.
♪ I can't stop dancin',
I can't stop dancin' ♪
♪ You move so fine
and you look so sweet ♪
Peters: get out
of there, Malvert.
Malvert can have punch.
Malvert
help make punch.
What are you
talking about?
Malvert pee red.
♪ I can't stop dancin',
I can't stop dancin' ♪
Just one tab.
I really have to go.
You sure?
♪ I can't stop dancin',
I can't stop dancin' ♪
♪ You move so fine
and you look so sweet ♪
♪ Whoo! Your dress
is ridin' way up high ♪
♪ Girl, your eyes
have got me hypnotized ♪
♪ Girl, your lips are
like a blazin' fire ♪
[southern accent]
Hi there, big boy.
Oh! I'm sorry.
Well,
you look so young,
and I thought you
were a student. Heh.
You're the principal,
aren't you?
Yes, uh...
do I know you, my dear?
Well,
I don't think so.
See, I just
transferred here,
and with you being
so busy and all.
Principal.
Such
an important job.
Why, just look
at all those keys.
Indeed, I 've got
heavy responsibilities.
Aw, poor thing.
May I ask
where you come from?
[groans]
Harlow,
you're not mingling.
I'm telling you,
that's her.
She wants my crown.
I'll find out.
I'll go dance with her.
If I don't
get a hard-on,
it's Toby for sure.
♪ I can't stop dancin' ♪
♪ When you're standin'
close to me ♪
♪ I can't stop dancin' ♪
♪ I can't stop dancin' ♪
♪ You move so fine
and you look so sweet ♪
♪ I can't stop dancin' ♪
Who's this?
Who's this?
♪ When you're standin'
close to me ♪
That's not her.
That's not Toby Badger.
♪ You move so fine
and you look so sweet ♪
I know you're only
acting a part, Toby,
but this
is more real
than anything
in my life.
Don't say a word,
please.
I want you to remember
this moment forever.
I will.
And who knows?
Maybe when
this is all over,
maybe we can kiss again.
But right now, I--
I know.
You're in danger.
What can I do
to help?
[mumbles]
Check all
the outside windows.
See if
there's any way in.
Then check
Miss Mumsley 's office.
She's like
Peters' clone.
She could
be involved, too.
I've gotta
go get those keys.
All right.
Mr. Malvert.
Don't scare Malvert.
You know Malvert?
Yes, I know Malvert.
Remember 5-letter word
for stealth-like movement?
Mrs. Malvert!
Yes, yes, Mrs. Malvert.
Listen, you've
gotta come help me.
Malvert come.
[panting]
Where is it?
Yeah, where is it?
We gotta make
horse head bookend.
[machine hammering]
Mr. Peters
treats you badly
like the others,
doesn't he?
Yes, he mean
to Malvert.
Then you can help me
and get even.
How?
Listen...
♪ Why don't you say
what you mean? ♪
♪ Say what you mean ♪
[laughter]
♪ How do you mean
what you say? ♪
♪ Mean what you say ♪
Down, Malvert.
Down!
Did you
get them?
Uhh! I said his keys,
not his cheese.
Oh. Oh, Malvert,
you're wonderful.
[balloons squeak]
Miss Mumsley :
Students, quiet, please.
Students.
[music stops]
[gunshot ricochets,
glass breaks]
Thank you for your courtesy.
I have
a special announcement.
Since all of the prom queen
candidates have been killed
except miss Patti Priswell,
the teachers' committee
has decided
it would be inappropriate
to award the crown
to a student this year.
They can't do this.
We can do
anything we want.
We're teachers.
Boy: Teachers suck!
And so we have decided
to award the crown this year
to a king--
a king of learning--
your principal
Harlow Hebrew Peters!
[all booing]
[crying]
Patti, stop it!
[sobbing]
Oh, I want
to slash my face.
Oh, if I can't be
the prettiest girl
in school,
I want
to be the ugliest.
Come on, Patti,
I understand this
incredible sense of loss
you must be feeling.
It's a very trying moment
for a tender girl like yourself.
But I want you to know,
underneath this uniform
is the best body
in this school.
Let's ball.
[shuts machine off]
Was it good for you?
Scott:
'Cause he's my hero.
Patti: What if
someone finds us?
Patti...
double time.
At ease.
I'm nervous.
There's nothing
to be nervous about.
I'm worried.
What are you
worried about?
I'm scared.
Would you pipe down
and strip?
I wanna get this over with
before you change your mind.
I've changed my mind.
What if the murderer
should find us?
How's he gonna
find us here?
I can't do it with
all these horse heads
staring at me.
I can't help it.
These horse heads
make me hot.
[whispering]
Horse heads?
[clunk]
What was that?
Rahr!
I heard heavy breathing.
It's me.
Look, it's safe.
I got protection.
You don't have one,
and don't
try to tell me
you've
had a vasectomy.
Please don't
pull that line.
Look, I know
where I can get one.
Where?
I planned an occasion
like this last summer.
I got one
planted upstairs.
[chuckles]
Where are you going?
Behind
the men's room toilet.
Ha! You're crazy.
I got the idea
from Godfather I.
Wait here, and
don't open the door
for anyone but me.
That's an order,
soldier.
[laughs]
[rumbling]
Scott?
Scott?
[rumbling growing louder]
Aah!
Who is it?
[heavy breathing]
Oh, it's you!
You brought me the crown.
Oh, I 'm prom queen
after all.
Aah!
[machine gun fire,
explosions, sirens]
[train bell ringing]
[noises stop]
All right, soldier.
You countermanded
a direct order
by leaving
that door open,
and as soon
as we're done here,
you're gonna
police the whole area.
Scott: Patti?
[singsong]
Just kidding.
Look, another minute,
I'll have my clothes off,
and, uh...
we'll break the rules
together.
And don't worry about it--
one fully-tested safety,
government-issued,
and I even
cleaned my weapon.
Patti?
Patti, you finally
got your crown.
Mother of god
and country,
you're dead.
Let's have one
for old times' sake.
Bleah.
Well, I won't
be needing this.
[heavy breathing]
Who is that?
Who's there?
Hey, I 'm trying
to get laid here.
[heavy breathing]
No!
Aah!
[rustling]
[heavy breathing]
Aw, poor kids.
They bought the farm.
At least I 'm safe.
[chain saw buzzing]
Feet, do your stuff!
[heavy breathing]
What are you doing?
What's up with the saw?
Ohh, I get it.
I get it.
You're the killer.
[chain saw buzzes]
Look, you've killed
10 people already.
11 is the legal limit
in this state.
Best thing you can do
is just unplug the chain saw
and--and hand it over to me.
[buzz]
Keep it.
What do you want,
my life?
What would you
do with it?
Take my car.
It's a gorgeous k-car.
I just washed it
an hour ago.
I buy Japanese.
[heavy breathing]
Ooh, better idea.
While you got
the buzz saw,
I'll teach you how
to make horse head bookends
for all your books.
Ah, ptuh!
Ah, you probably don't
have much time for reading,
what with your schedule.
Only smut.
Please...
from one sicko
to another,
I'm begging you...
[chuckles]
[crying]
Mommy...
mommy.
[chain saw buzzing]
Ah ah ah ah.
Not bad.
Ahh.
Were you gonna use that--
that on flesh?
Uh-huh.
Where's your rotary?
That's for wood.
Huh? Ahh!
I can see
the heavy breathing,
but shut off the buzz saw.
[chain saw
shuts off]
Good.
Now, this is
what you gotta do.
First, unplug
the buzz saw.
Good.
Now oil it
and clean it.
[sprays oil]
Wipe that grease off.
Ahh!
Good.
Now put it back
in the case.
[heavy
breathing]
Put it back on the shelf
where it belongs.
[thunk]
Ha ha ha.
[keys jingling]
[balloons squeak]
[rattling]
[balloons squeak]
Harlow, Harlow,
where are you going?
I'm gonna check
my office.
I think
I lost my keys
and my cheese.
[marbles rattling]
Toby, thinking:
Harlot.
Slut.
Floozie.
Bad girl.
Whore.
Bimbo.
Toby.
Oh.
Oh, Mr. Peters.
You--
you startled me.
I wouldn't
want to do that.
Um...
I wanted
to thank you
for having
Dr. Sigmund, um,
have those sessions
with me.
It was very helpful.
Oh?
And that's why
you're here in my office?
Yes!
Yes, that's right.
Toby, I 'm curious.
Did you expect to find me
in the filing cabinet?
Oh. Oh, that.
Oh, you mean these?
Well, I was looking
at these pictures,
and--and, well,
I couldn't wait
for the yearbook
to come out.
Is that so, Toby?
No. Um...
do you really want
to know the truth?
Yes, Toby.
Tell me the truth.
[sighs] Well--
well, the truth is--
it's that--
well, as you know,
everyone suspects me
of having something
to do with the murders,
like me
being the murderer.
And--and--and so
I was just thinking--
Yes, go on, Toby.
What were you thinking?
Well, to tell you
the truth,
I didn't know
what to think.
You're a bright girl, Toby.
Surely you have some theory
developed by now.
Well, yes,
as a matter of fact,
I think that
the murderer knew
all the victims.
Yes, go on.
And he must've had
access to the school...
Good. Good.
Because of
the murder weapons.
Toby: Someone
who's immature
and crazy and--
and deranged and--
and someone
who wanted to see
harm come
to the students.
Someone like--
someone like
the principal.
Yes, someone
like the principal.
Mr. Peters!
You're naked!
Yes, Toby.
All these years
I've been secretly naked
underneath my clothes.
But did anyone notice?
Any girls?
Any prom queen candidates?
No.
All those lithesome
budding bodies
changing from girlhood
to womanhood,
like moths
into butterflies,
year after year,
right before my eyes.
Do you realize
how that affects a man?
Um...
it makes you hot?
That's right, Toby.
It makes me...hot.
Especially the naughty ones
like Julie
and Bertha and Joan
and Dagmar.
[heavy breathing]
Do you want to know why
I think they were murdered?
No. Yes!
Why?
Because they were naughty.
Naughty?
Disgustingly naughty.
Each and every one of them
was caught doing...sex.
Sex? Yuck!
That's right, Toby.
Yecch.
Sex is dirty
and sex is bad.
Yes. Yes, I agree.
I--
well, I don't know.
I've never
really done it.
But you would
like to do it,
wouldn't you?
Yes. No! No.
Excuse me a moment.
I'll be right back.
What--what are you
going to do?
Have you ever seen
our school trophy, Toby?
No, I--
I never knew
we ever won a trophy.
Oh, we did.
In 20 years,
we only won one trophy.
Ahh, the typing team
really came through that year.
Typing team?
We retired the typewriter,
but we kept the trophy.
I'll be back.
[door closes]
[ringing]
Hello?
Hello, um--
Listen, I 'm in
terrible danger
and I need
some help.
Recording: You have
reached the police.
We are closed.
Look out behind you!
[gasps]
I'm back again.
Look.
Look behind you.
You're not going to fool me
with that old trick.
See? I was right.
This is our trophy, Toby.
Look!
No!
[bell clanking]
Miss Mumsley : Well,
she's not in the men's room.
Malvert:
When we catch her,
can Malvert
kill her first, ok?
Ok, but I get
first crack at her.
[voices arguing]
Dr. Sigmund:
hello, all.
Dr. Sigmund,
what are you doing here?
And what's
that hideous creature
at the end
of the leash?
I tamper with
nature as a hobby.
I crossed a flounder
with a walrus
and a horny toad.
What did you get?
A fish with warts
and a mustache
that can't
get a date.
It really belongs
in a zoo.
Thanks,
but they refused it.
Well, good night.
She's got to be
here someplace.
I'll look
in the men's room.
Malvert: Ok.
Aah!
Ohh.
Aah! Hardy!
Hardy!
Hardy! Hardy!
Hardy, I killed
Mr. Peters,
and I think
he's a murderer,
and everything's
so horrible!
Hardy--
Aaaah!
Ohhh!
He's dead, my dear,
just like the others.
I didn't have time
to bag him.
Miss Mumsley!
Yes, Miss Mumsley.
Do you think
I look good in green?
Why, yes, I think
it's quite flattering.
Thank you.
Too bad
you have to die.
You're the only one
of the girls
who didn't
get laid first.
Then you did it.
I only kill
the boys.
He killed the girls.
It breaks up
the monotony.
But why?
Why not?
I never told him.
He had no idea.
I did it
to protect him
in case there
were any witnesses.
I don't understand.
Because he was my son.
You're his mother?!
No, his father.
Oh, my god!
Father-mother.
But why did you do it?
Because I loved him.
Listen,
please let me go and--
and I won't tell anyone
you're crazy.
I swear!
Hold still
while I kill you.
I'm an old woman
with arthritis.
[horse whinnies]
[horse nickers]
[cackling laugh]
Ohh!
Hee hee hee!
[creaks]
[squeaking]
[gorilla roars]
Ha ha ha!
[gunshot echoing]
Aah!
[all laughing]
[monstrous roaring]
This way out.
Ohh!
Aah!
Toby, snap out of it.
Snap out of it, Toby.
[gasps]
Hardy?
Julie.
Bertha.
Toby: Patti and Scott,
you're all alive!
You're all alive and--
and you're who you are
in real life.
Oh, Mr. Dumpkin,
I had this dream and--
and you weren't even
my French teacher!
I will always be
your French teacher.
But you were surrounded
by all these horse heads.
Qu'est-ce que c'est,
a horse head?
You must've had
a terrible dream, no?
A terrible dream?
It was a nightmare.
Oh, this swine flu
really affected my mind.
I--I dreamt that all
my friends were murdered
because
they were having sex.
Sounds reasonable.
Toby: Mr. Mumsley,
you were a woman.
And Mr. Peters,
you were the principal and--
it's all due
to sexual repression
and urban stress,
my dear.
So who was the murderer?
Luke, you can walk.
Yeah, I have been
since I was 2 years old.
And Mr. Malvert,
you were a janitor.
Absurd!
No, really,
I was at this prom and--
and there was
this weird red punch.
Sometimes,
Peters pee red.
While you
were unconscious,
we all felt so sorry
for you that, well,
the gang voted you
prom queen.
It was
Patti Priswell 's idea.
But, Patti,
all through my dream
all you wanted
was the crown.
It's all I wanted
in my dreams, too.
Will you put these
in water for me?
Sure.
In any event, people,
Toby needs her rest.
We can all
visit her tomorrow.
Don't forget your appointment
on Tuesday, my dear.
Bye-bye.
What was I like
in your dream?
Well, besides me,
you were the only one
who was normal.
Yeah.
Boring, isn't it?
Nope.
Boring gets me hot.
And I don't have
any more nightmares.
Good.
Dr. Sigmund told me
that sexual repression
causes swine flu,
so I think it's time
for me to do it.
Here? Now?
Ok.
All I ask is that
you just turn your back
while I undress, ok?
Yes.
And I 'll slip into
something more comfortable.
[heavy breathing]
Hardy.
Hardy, what are you doing
with those rubber gloves on?
Hardy, why are you
breathing so heavy?
I'm the killer.
Hardy, you're
not the killer.
You're my friend,
remember?
That was a dream.
This is reality.
Why are you
doing this?
I don't know.
I guess I 'm just
that kind of guy!
Aah! Aah!
Uhh!
Hardy, no!
I know it's unusual
for a psychiatrist
to speak at a funeral,
but this was my client.
The latest victim,
Toby Badger,
just laid to rest.
She suffered severe
social repression,
countered by
an expressed nausea
towards sex,
which led to severe
social alienation
causing huge
psychological problems,
leading to the greatest
psychological problem
of them all, death.
Let us pay
our final respects,
but the living must go on
and make a new beginning,
hopefully in a spirit
of openness
and sharing of grief,
individually
or in groups.
I'm sorry I had
to kill you, Toby.
You just shouldn't
have done it.
I lost respect,
but I do
still love you.
Others have only
brought you one flower,
but I 've brought you 2.
And if we should
ever meet again--
Aah!
[choking]