Stuck with a Perfect Woman (2016) - full transcript
Eliska's husband has left her for a younger woman. She is childless, in her early forties, yet still attractive. Till then she had taken care of her successful husband, but now she has to start anew without his financial support. Eliska starts teaching at a local village school. Since she can't find a lodging, she moves to a former morgue. The small house is already occupied by a quirky and grumpy graveyard keeper named Bozicek. Their house sharing leads to a series of comical conflicts, but they eventually fall in love and Eliska proves to her ex-husband that she is able to stand on her own.
Honey!
I’ve only packed the essentials so far.
Do you like it?
It’s funny, go look!
I’ve already prepared everything.
Eliska, wait!
I can’t go on holiday with you.
Why not? We were so excited.
Klara is pregnant.
Your sister? But she likes girls.
Not her, the new nurse in my office.
Oh, the young one.
Been there for barely three months.
Exactly. And she’s in the third month.
Then tell her I’m happy for her
and let’s not worry anymore.
We’ll find you a new nurse when we return.
I got her pregnant.
I’m going to need to divorce you.
She wants to marry me.
You said you weren’t
mature enough for children.
Now you get a nurse pregnant?
I guess I matured.
At forty-seven?
Weird, isn’t it?
You’re pathetic!
You can’t let it get to you, El.
Don’t cry!
I’m not!
I’m treating this great lawyer.
She specialises in divorces.
Slacking off, Miss Lawyer?
Come on, once more!
-If you want, I’ll mention you to her.
-No no, thanks.
It’d be a shame not to.
Right. She’ll make my brother look
more stupid than he does now.
And he’ll have to pay up on command.
I don’t want his money.
Big mistake, young lady!
We’ll take the skin off his back.
Scary, right?
If I were you, I’d drain
that cheating bastard’s account dry.
You’ll live like a queen
with that body, eyes and hair.
Soon, you’ll have a new bastard
wrapped around each finger.
-Lucie!
-What?
What do you mean what?
Why are you seducing her?
You’re not jealous, are you?
I’m just trying to cheer her up.
-Don’t overdo it. And you, don’t cry!
-I’m not!
-Come on!
-I’m not crying.
I’m not!
Wow, she really isn’t! What a champ.
Thanks!
Are you sure you want
to get on your own feet?
Yeah!
What do you want to do?
The air smells so different here.
Yeah, it does.
This still doesn’t seem like a good idea.
You haven’t taught anyone for 20 years.
The kids will recognise that
immediately and skin you alive.
Oh please,
they’re still too innocent to misbehave.
Just like we said. Teacher face on,
speak properly and be strict!
The hair. Try a different style.
A bun?
Yes, Miss.
Sure you don’t need help?
No, it’s fine. Thanks.
-Good luck then!
-Thanks!
-Bye!
-Bye!
Attention! Attention!
Community radio announcement.
The annual melon festival
will take place next week.
So, all citizens with melons
can take part and put them on display.
May.
I’m sorry?
„May take part“ is correct.
I repeat – all citizens with melons
may take part and put them on display.
End of announcement!
You must be our new teacher.
Yes. I’m looking for the mayor.
You’ve found him! Bouda. Standa.
Pleasure to meet you.
Eliska. Vomackova. Likewise.
Just finished tending to the herd.
You know, can’t make the cattle wait.
-I don’t, actually.
-Well, you’ll learn here. Come.
My great-grandpa founded this school.
Grandma always said I was just like him.
The young ones leave,
so there aren’t many kids.
No one wants to teach here.
You told me
that the class is newly equipped?
Yes.
I bought brand new chalk. Coloured.
A new sponge. Also coloured.
You’ve still got a stove here?
Yes.
You’re probably used to better,
but we don’t have the money.
I’ll get used to it.
That’s the Stetkas.
I’ll kill you!
Then kill me!
You’d like that wouldn’t you!
Make a widow out of me!
-Then don’t!
-Marus!
Knock it off,
I’m having an official meeting here.
Sorry, Standa.
-They’re a little high-strung.
-A little?
She threw his chimney
sweeping ball at him once.
She missed, that’s why there’s a hole.
Seriously?
It’s always like this, but they like
each other. They’ve got five children.
Their house burnt down!
You don’t say.
Pepa Stetka was in the pub for too long.
The kids set the house on fire.
Excuse me?
Pepa leads the volunteer fire brigade.
Got home quickly.
The kids are fun here, you’ll like them.
I moved them into the municipal flat,
since their house is gone.
I understand. That’s nice of you.
Into the flat we promised you.
Don’t worry!
We have a municipal house too...
Does the house have a garden?
There is one. Kind of.
I love gardens with lots of flowers.
-There’s enough flowers there.
-Really?
Of course. Especially on All Souls‘ Day.
Here we are.
It’s beautiful!
REST IN PEACE – CEMETERY
Are you joking?
I’m not. It’s only temporary,
until the Stetkas sort their house out.
You’ll have perfect quiet
for grading tests.
Our gravedigger
is very excited to meet you.
She ironed this shirt for me last Friday...
So I didn’t embarrass her at the pub.
Martha was the best woman in the world.
I just couldn’t sleep
with her the last five years.
Her snoring was terrible
and I was stupid enough to blame her.
See, at least you’ll get some sleep now.
Hey.
This is Mrs. Vomackova, our new teacher.
-How are you?
-How are you?
How are you?
How come it’s a woman?
Is that a problem?
You told me it’d be a man!
He called it off at the last minute.
Let’s go take a look
at your new housing, Miss.
I’m not going to live with a woman!
Don’t be stupid, women can be very useful.
Come, come.
All the kitchen equipment
is at your disposal.
Thanks a lot.
A pig wouldn’t eat here.
Bozicek will clean it up.
Forget it.
Those pigs of hers would have to fly.
WELCOME, MR. TEACHER!
So, this is your kingdom.
Everyone from the village donated.
Something that they wanted to get rid of.
It’s rather cold here.
That’s cause of the corpses,
so they don’t rot and smell.
Used to be a morgue.
-Not true.
-It is.
It isn’t!
-He'll get the stove working.
-She'll do it herself.
When night comes, it’ll be nice and warm.
And you’ll be dead asleep.
Oh, come on.
There’s no lock?
No! Who would steal corpses?
I’ll take care of it. Don't worry.
What’s inside?
He’s a drinker?
Oh no, he just sorts waste thoroughly.
Miss! I’m begging you!
Mister Mayor,
I could bear living in this pigsty.
But not with some drunk.
I was planning to start a new life here!
He’ll limit it, surely,
now that he’s not alone.
I promise.
I’m not going to be able
to get someone instead of you.
I’d let you live at our place,
but my mother-in-law moved in.
You’re better off in the cemetery.
Don’t be angry.
The kids need you...
You don’t want them to grow up
to be ineducated, do you?
Uneducated.
Uneducated.
Stop it!
We know each other a bit, don’t we?
But that individual will behave!
You’ll behave, you hear!
He’s not that bad.
You’ll be friends for sure.
That’s the last thing I want to do here.
Make friends with men.
God, where does that pig wash himself?
I see.
Will you help me clean?
I’ll sharpen my scythe
and I’ll be right with you.
At least clean those shoes!
I just polished the floor!
You, you’re lucky
that I don’t use foul language.
-Seriously? Never?
-Never.
Fuck, must be a fucking shitty life.
She was always so patient
with me. Such a kind woman.
And her tomato sauce,
no one does it like her.
She always took the meat and...
Oh, hello Miss!
-Hello.
-Hello.
What can I get for you?
A kilogram of potatoes, please.
Everyone grows them here
or gets them from a neighbour.
Then half of a loaf of bread.
We don’t do halves, only whole loaves.
Then a whole loaf.
You order those ahead of time though.
Oh. Then I don’t know.
Wait, Bozicek’s got one ready for him.
You can take it with you and share.
-Alright.
-Yeah?
Is our gravedigger behaving?
Well, he is a grump.
He is a bit of a maverick.
Well, the can doesn’t help anyone.
Especially when he drinks
20 a day.
Oh no, not like that. He did time.
He was in jail?
Yeah. For twelve years.
Don’t exaggerate!
His sentence was only eleven years.
And he got out early for good behaviour.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Why did they lock him up?
He strangled his wife. And her lover.
And he raped her before that.
-Excuse me?
-Apparently.
Come on,
Bozicek raping someone? Not likely.
Once a guy’s in the mood,
nothing can stop him.
Boo!
Come’ere!
Got you!
With some deviant.
Klara, hey, please,
come back for me right now...
How about I send someone else?
You’re a bastard.
Guess who came to ask about you.
I envy you that kid.
Will you let us borrow it?
Yup, all by himself.
He’s wondering how you’re doing.
Then tell him that I’m alright.
Absolutely fine.
Hello?
-Hi.
-Are they nice to you?
Oh yeah, the people are wonderful.
The neighbours especially.
Eliska, do you know
where my tuxedo cuffs are?
Oh, I see. Of course.
Why are you panting?
I’m not. Just locking up.
It is very pretty here. Picturesque.
What? Nothing, I was startled.
Gift from a roommate.
Wasn’t expecting one.
Wait, you already found a guy there?
How old is he?
Well, he’s got nothing on your girl,
but he’s well-preserved.
You know what? I’ve gotta go. Bye!
Good night!
Screw you too! Deviant.
Hello?
Hello?
You read French poetry on the toilet?
It helps.
In French?
Helps the best.
And you learned that
in the correctional facility?
None of your damn business!
I’m sorry.
Could I buy one half from you?
Which half?
Doesn’t matter.
It does. One’s for me
and one’s for the rabbit.
Should I talk with the rabbit then?
Thank you.
Not doing it for you,
but for the children.
Hungry teachers are usually nervous.
Do you have a bit of milk for coffee?
You want milk?
Come.
Here you go. Enjoy!
Thank you.
A goat cappuccino.
Go ahead!
-Like it?
-Yes. Could I get some more milk?
Of course, if you manage
to deal with the udders.
Whose funeral is being prepared?
Your predecessor’s.
Don’t worry though,
she was well past her prime.
I heard you need potatoes.
Yes, but a kilo would suffice.
What am I going to do with this?
Proper potato soup!
Oh yeah, I’ve got the lock for you.
And the knob.
Good, I won’t have to be afraid at night.
Nervous?
Not really.
I mean, with your experience.
Oh, I spoke to the Trnkas‘ mother.
They have severe pox,
so they’ll be absent for a long time.
Where do they live?
I can bring them some study material.
Well, they live in seclusion,
pretty deep in the forest.
Far away.
Don’t think about it right now.
Concentrate on today.
The kids are excited to meet you.
Here’s the class register.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Good morning, children.
Come on, Jara!
Where are you?
I’m sorry.
-Jara!
-Get him.
-Come on!
-Jara!
-No one’s going to hurt you!
-Wait!
Come on Jara!
Don’t be immature!
Good morning, children. My name is
Eliska Vomackova and I’m your new teacher.
Now, I’d be very happy
if you introduced yourselves to me.
-Hruby Jan.
-Present.
-Kralova Lucie.
-Present, Miss.
Stetka Petr.
Present.
-Stetkova Pavla.
-Present.
-Stetkova Jarmila.
-Present.
-Stetka Jan.
-Present.
Stetkova Tereza.
Present.
And Zezulka Jaroslav.
Present!
-There we go. For you.
-Thank you.
Come here!
Good luck!
Come!
You’ll sit here.
Our school has only one class,
that’s why it’s a one-room school.
These are rare
and valuable these days.
So we’re valuable?
Indeed.
Each and every one of you is valuable.
Just because we’re small doesn’t mean
we can’t do great things.
Our dad said that it’s not about size,
it’s how you use it.
Well, of course.
Of course.
Jarmila, come here!
Hello, I’m Stetka.
The kids forgot their lunch.
-Are they behaving?
-They are.
Your son was just telling us
how wise you are.
Well, I’ve always been
more of a thinker than a doer.
Did they inherit
their artistic talent from you?
Don’t think so.
I’ve never seen
such beautifully painted fire.
They do like fire. Can’t leave them alone
with matches, they’d set fire to my bed.
Speaking of,
I can’t light Bozicek’s stove.
It’s probably a bit lazy,
it’s been cold for a long time.
Don’t be afraid to fuel it.
Alright. Thank you.
Petr! You know what I said! Don’t try me!
You like playing by yourself?
Yes.
Isn’t it boring?
I don’t like surprises.
Afraid you’d lose to a woman?
I haven’t played
with any woman for a long time.
No wonder the chimney’s not working.
It’s been a while since
I visited this place.
Daddy visits pubs more than chimneys.
Hey, don’t be a smartass
and go play with the others.
But mommy said so!
Mommy says lots of things. Shoo.
No, thank you. You’re not afraid
to drink when you’re climbing up?
Quite the contrary, gives me courage.
I’m afraid of heights.
Jesus Christ!
-How’s the work on your house going?
-Excuse me.
Not the best. We’ll have
to tear down a wall and rebuild it.
Should be finished before Summer.
-What?
-Summer?
If you managed to finish up sooner,
I’d be very grateful.
I’ll help you. The sooner it’s done,
the sooner I’ll have peace.
Hold it!
All-in.
Bold.
Stetka, put it down immediately!
You approved a small one.
One, not twenty! Stop fooling around.
Come on! We’re never going
to finish rebuilding.
What? Look,
you’re barely standing! Go! That’s his?
I’m going then.
It’s no secret. Get out.
Muggy today, isn’t it lads?
-Bye.
-Go! Get a move on!
Doesn’t look half bad. We’ll have
to change the laths back there.
Need a lot more tiles though.
You hear lads?
Yeah!
Then get to it!
I’m going!
Good morning.
Good morning, children.
Fun, isn’t it? Found your routine already?
Kids, run to the playground.
I’ll be there in a bit.
Why are they letting him boss them around?
Well, he is an engineer.
Bozicek, an engineer?
A civil engineer.
Used to have 50 people under him.
So being a gravedigger
is an improvement, then.
Cause in the cemetery,
he’s got at least 500 under him.
Oh my god! I’m so sorry, Mister Parizek.
Mister Mayor! Mister Mayor!
Yes?
How are the Trnkas doing?
Their attendance isn’t the best I assume.
Kind of.
They haven’t come to school once.
Are you going to the Burning of Witches?
I am, but what about the Trnkas?
Look, their pox is gone,
but they caught a cough.
That’s not that bad,
hopefully I’ll see them soon.
Whooping cough.
That’s a serious illness!
Exactly. And contagious. So it looks
like they’ll be absent a bit longer.
They aren’t vaccinated?
No vaccines when you live in solitude.
Well, I’ll be going.
Don’t forget your broom.
Or at least a plane!
BURNING OF WITCHES – AIR SHOW
BROOMS AND AIRPLANES REQUIRED
I’m just taking it outside,
it’s as dark as a crypt inside.
It won’t fly like this.
I know that.
Tell me what to do
if you’re so smart, Mister Engineer.
Wait a moment, I’ll get dressed.
That looks good.
All it needs is some varnish.
Here.
Well, what do you think?
-It’s perfect.
-Right?
-It’ll attract wasps.
-Maybe.
Wanna come and try it out?
I’d rather not.
You don’t wanna see if it flies?
Oh, it will.
I don’t like these group activities much.
Too bad.
Hey kids!
Wow Miss!
You’re such beautiful
witches and wizards. Like my plane?
It’s pretty!
Try it out then. Careful!
Good afternoon, Miss.
Good afternoon
Will you have some?
No thanks, I don’t drink.
At all? What a shame!
Alcohol kills brain cells.
I would have noticed by now.
-To your health!
-Cheers!
And nothing! You see?
Gentlemen!
Who wants some cake?
Me!
Mom, there’s one more here.
Show me!
Where are you?
You get near my wife again and I’ll use
your head as a trophy! Is that clear?!
Let’s get it to it then!
A bit to the side.
-Hurry up.
-Miss.
Cheers. No, I don’t drink.
I can’t drink this.
Come on Miss!
It’s too bad you didn’t come.
It was quite fun.
And we got the prize for prettiest plane.
What happened? Show me.
It’s nothing, it just needs some bandages.
I’ll help you.
It’ll be alright in the morning.
Sorry, forgot you always
manage by yourself.
Fuck, will you finally show me
the fucking hand or not?!
I thought you didn’t use foul language.
When it comes to you
I have no choice. You’re a bad influence.
Excuse me.
It’s nothing.
May I?
I’ll do it.
The hand.
-It hurts that much?
-No.
Try moving your fingers.
Cut it out. This hand.
-It’s probably broken.
-It’s not.
-You’ll need a doctor.
-It’ll be fine.
The mayor will give us a ride.
Let’s not bother him,
he’s taking care of the cattle anyway.
It’s not stupid.
Please.
Alright. But get dressed.
Bozicek, don’t be childish.
Good morning.
Hello.
May I?
Are you really that much of a loner?
I didn’t want to ruin
your good reputation.
Can we go already?
Why do they call you Bozicek anyway?
Bullies always called me that.
My name is Bohumil.
Everyone called me „blondie“ at school.
Why?
Because I’m blonde, get it?
I do, I’m an engineer.
It’s not like blondes
are more stupid than others.
They’re as stupid as brunettes.
But I'd choose blondes if I had to.
Really?
Really.
Come in.
Strip and remove all metal objects, okay?
That’s what’s keeping you there?
Oh please, what would I do with him?
I’m not even divorced yet.
So he’s available?
As far as I know.
You couldn’t do that to Klara.
I could.
She's finally decided.
She wants to have a kid.
We’re looking for a suitable donor.
That’s great, no?
This one is absolutely unsuitable.
-Why?
-Well, he’s old.
That’s perfect. Older guys have
the smartest and most beautiful children.
I said strip naked!
-Naked?
-Yeah.
-Why? It’s only my hand.
-You’re not here to make decisions.
Strip naked! Hurry!
But it doesn’t hurt anymore.
I’ll go outside.
Come on!
Wanna know what I’m getting first.
-You’re terrible!
-Come.
-I’m not going.
-It’ll be fun.
Move over to the panel. Faster!
Put your hand in the centre. Are you deaf?
Hurry up.
Stop whining. You’re a man, aren’t you?
Come on! Smile!
So? Is it good?
I wouldn’t know.
Make him turn around.
Turn around!
There are vending machines
with everything – coffee, soda, candy.
Why isn’t there one where I would
choose I want a tall, funny, smart guy...
...and it’d give me the only thing I need?
I don’t know, what am I supposed to do?
I don’t wanna die childless.
Look how you ended up.
Okay, but fishing for guys here?
Isn’t that unethical?
A healthy, willing guy
always comes in handy.
Always? Just look at him.
He’s a brute. With unacceptable hygiene.
He’s been in jail.
More than once.
He killed his ex-wife,
besides other things.
And you’re not afraid to sleep
under one roof with him?
Of course I’m scared,
but what choice do I have?
Come!
And you blame me.
Here we go.
Hold this, dear. Thanks. We’ll have
to fixate your hand for a few weeks.
Come with us.
Keep your clothes on
under all circumstances!
-Here you go.
-Thanks.
Sorry if my sister-in-law harassed you.
No, she was actually very friendly.
It actually surprised me
she’s your friend. Both of them were.
-Very friendly?
-Friendly enough.
Did they have any inappropriate requests?
Just standard ones.
They asked how you’re doing as a teacher.
It's surprising
how little experience you have.
How long have you been teaching for?
After college?
Generally. In total.
Well, never.
The mayor promised a flat,
so I thought I’d dust off my diploma.
That’s very likeable.
To throw yourself out there
for the first time, that’s brave.
-Thank you.
-Given how old you are.
And who actually told you?
-What?
-About my wife.
-People in the village.
-I see.
-Never believed it anyway.
-Big mistake.
You didn’t kill her, did you?
Wait, did you or did you not?
Stay calm, El, she was
probably the one doing the killing.
Look at this boy. Huh? Up for adoption.
Adorable, dear. I’m not surprised
he’s suspicious towards women.
-Look at the grave... What’s the number?
-What?
-The number of the grave.
-Wait a moment.
-218.
-Look up grave number 218.
Why would she get him a grave? Alive?
So she wouldn’t have to explain
why daddy’s in jail. Because of mommy.
Who would believe such a fairy tale?
Someone small.
Someone still needing fairy tales.
You’ve got it!
So he’s already a grandfather.
There’s a content bunny.
Why didn’t you tell me you have a family?
And who told you that?
No one. I’m neither blind nor deaf.
Too bad you’re not mute.
-Do you see them often?
-Sometimes.
And do they see you?
God damn, do you like being nosy?
No, it just seems sad.
What comes now is even sadder.
Your time has come, friend.
Wait, you aren’t venting on him?
Venting? You got anything else for lunch?
You said you wanted to help,
now’s your chance. Pull him out.
-I can’t do it.
-Yes you can, open it!
Open it, quickly!
Come on. You can do it. Chop chop.
Grab him by the ears.
-The ears?
-The ears. Pull him out.
It only takes a proper slash.
-Grab him!
-Don’t shout at me!
-Like this?
-Yes! Pull him out. Out!
-That’s got to hurt.
-It doesn’t.
-Oh God.
-That’s life, come on.
Don’t worry, bunny. Good boy.
What’s happening?
Death knell.
-You're lucky, pal. Someone overtook you.
-There.
I knew it. The moment
our gravedigger can’t dig, someone dies.
Then you dig.
Why me? She liked you more.
-That’s not true.
-It is.
Come on, why should a woman dig?
Then Franta can dig.
But she hated me.
She’d crawl out if she knew I dug it.
How about cremating her?
Then you could scatter her in a meadow.
Let her travel for once in her life.
Didn’t get to have any fun with you all.
That’s true. We should cremate her.
We’ve never cremated anyone.
-Could be the first.
-Didn't she fear fire?
-Of course, being a witch.
-Don’t talk about our mother like that!
So I can’t talk but I should dig?
Then you dig it.
Who is it? I can’t see without glasses.
-Old Miss Sykorova kicked the bucket.
-Oh no!
She had beautiful legs. One less option.
-You have nothing else but these rags?
-Complaining, are we?
What, are you going to the opera?
Or a date behind the barn?
Like I’d tell you.
I have a nice dress
with an interesting cleavage.
It‘d suit you.
You mean the light one
I got you for our anniversary?
Pavel?!
You’ll look great in those then.
Won’t be as dazzling as you, though.
You showed up
just to remind me how dazzling I am?
No. I came to rescue you.
-No one asked you to.
-I know.
Eliska, I really miss you.
What about your pregnant nurse?
She was in the third month,
then the fourth, the fifth.
Then she wasn’t pregnant at all.
She made it all up,
just to tear us apart.
The bitch!
She almost succeeded.
Almost?
Mirka, oil please.
You’re cooking?
No, baking.
For who?
Myself. I don’t like rabbits.
-Will that be all?
-460,-
-I’ll pay.
-Absolutely not.
Eliska, I know I’m an asshole.
-You are!
-I am.
I want you back.
You don’t want to die in this shithole.
What’s keeping you here?
Eight children that need me. I haven’t got
any waiting for me in Prague.
You could.
I realised that I’d actually
like to have children.
With you.
Alright, I’ll be waiting for you.
You’ll be waiting forever, then.
460,-
-Excuse me?
-Pay up.
Of course.
Hello, Mr. Beaver.
How are your front teeth doing?
Everything alright? They’re my best work.
And what about you?
Still working in education?
I need to ask you a favour.
Eat up.
Come eat.
See, escaped your cremation
by a hair’s breadth.
-Smells great.
-Thank you.
This is great.
-How many?
-Two.
-Only two?
-Then five.
Thought so.
-Or seven.
-You won’t finish that.
-You wanna bet?
-Sure.
-You need help?
-No, it’s fine, thank you.
-You sure?
-I’ll manage.
Give me that, I’ll cut it up.
-Thank you.
-You’re welcome.
Why aren’t you eating?
You took my fork.
Oh, sorry. Take this one then.
That one’s mine.
-Alright.
-Thanks.
-Everything good? Then enjoy your meal.
-Likewise.
Great job!
I don’t drink.
Yes? Come in!
Good evening, Miss. I’m glad you’re not
asleep yet, I’ve got great news.
Your power’s out?
No, my light bulb burnt out.
I’ll replace it.
You don’t have to.
The Stetkas finished rebuilding, you can
move in now. Here's the keys.
-Aren’t you happy?
-I am, I am.
I’ll just get dressed
and I’ll pack right away?
It’s no rush.
Of course not. I’ll stop by tomorrow
and help with the moving.
Come in.
Let go, you beast.
It’d be grandpa’s birthday today.
Me and him were born in the same month.
Go get some fresh water
so the flowers last longer.
Why did grandpa die?
He had a lot of work,
you know, dangerous work.
-What was his job?
-I’ll help you.
-I already told you, Bohunka.
-I wanna hear it again.
Okay. Your grandpa, my dad,
built huge houses. Bridges, too.
Remember the bridge
we saw on our way to auntie’s?
-Which one?
-The one with the thick ropes.
Well, our grandpa built that one.
Alone?
All by himself, he was very handy.
If not for him,
I wouldn’t have met your mommy.
One day, when I went to see grandpa,
mommy was standing there.
And she smiled at me
just like she did now.
And then...
-It hit you.
-It hit me.
-Why’d you run away?
-I didn’t.
You did. Like a kid.
This was a great opportunity
to introduce yourself to them.
They’re so close
and they don’t even know about you.
That’s good.
I can’t just rise
from the dead all of a sudden.
-Why not?
-It’d only frighten them.
You wouldn’t if you shaved
and ironed this shirt.
I don’t have the time.
If only you didn't frown all the time.
Just because you seduced me
doesn’t mean you can boss me around!
I seduced you? I'm not that desperate!
Hello. Am I too early?
No, you’re just on time.
I wouldn’t last another minute with him!
Likewise!
You’re pathetic!
I’ve got you!
You son of a bitch.
No, wait.
-I warned you!
-Wait!
-I told you to leave my wife alone!
-Calm down! He’s waiting for you.
-What?
-It’s true.
Why?
Because of this.
-That’s...
-You.
-And...
-That’s me.
You frightened me.
Are you looking for someone?
Yes. Teacher Vomackova
and the local one-room school.
Why? Who are you?
Beaver. School inspector.
You're the one we were waiting for.
Come in. I’m the mayor. Bouda.
Standa.
Our school has a rich history.
My great-grandpa founded it.
Grandma always said I was just like him.
President Masaryk co-founded this school.
It’s been in operation since then.
There were years when we had 30 children.
-And now you have...?
-Precisely 10.
The smallest possible amount, yes?
Here, we have a beautiful chronicle.
You’ve got to see it.
Sit down and look through it,
so you can appreciate our history.
Everyone's coming soon.
I hope so. I wouldn’t like
to see a single student absent.
Wait! Wait! No teaching today.
Go to the playground.
No school for today. Come on, go!
-Yay!!!
-To the playground, now.
Don’t ask any questions, go!
Not through here, through the window,
I already prepared a ladder.
-Why?
-There’s a beaver on the loose.
A beaver?
A dangerous, mean beaver with huge teeth.
-Show him to the kids then!
-Absolutely not.
The kids are waiting at the playground.
-But we have maths!
-Then you’ll do maths outside.
-Mister Mayor, I can’t!
-Come on. Hurry!
-Mister Mayor!
-There you go.
-You can’t be serious.
-Don’t worry, everything’ll be alright.
I got some great candy here, kids.
And we’re off.
-How many flowers are there?
-Seven.
Miss, the wait is over.
The Trnka siblings.
-Good morning.
-Good morning.
He looks rather developed
for a seven-year-old.
Children grow faster in the forest.
There’s better water there.
And that’s supposed
to be his older sister?
She neglected her fluid intake.
Mister Mayor, I think we have to talk.
What’s the deal here?
The Beaver at school
is a school inspector.
What? He came to inspect me?
Not you, Me!
Before the school year,
two children moved away.
The Education Office demands
at least ten children per school.
Why didn’t you tell me?
I was worried you’d report me. We didn’t
know each other. Help me, I beg you.
My great-grandpa founded this school.
I have to save it for him.
Just teach like you always do.
-I’m a terrible liar.
-Thank God I didn’t tell you sooner then.
I’m not actually a teacher!
What do you mean?
I’ve never taught anywhere but here!
Forget about that!
You’re a teacher! A great one!
And you’ll kick his ass, okay?
-Okay?
-Okay!
Let’s go!
They’re all coming.
All ten of them, including the teacher.
I’ll make sure
he doesn’t bother you for long.
What sparked the modern era?
-You should know that.
-Jarmilka.
The discovery of America.
Or the printing press.
Or the Turkish conquest of Constantinople.
Correct!
What sparked the Industrial Revolution?
How about you?
Blow off some steam.
Excellent!
The invention of the steam engine!
Excuse me.
What is eight plus four?
Boy.
Three?
Recite all vowels.
Girl.
-A, e, i, o, u.
-Great job, Lucinka.
Very good.
What is the largest
nocturnal bird of prey?
Owl, owl, owl!
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
You’ll have the full report
by the end of the week.
We look forward to it.
Goodbye.
-Good morning.
-Good morning.
That motorcycle is yours?
Yes.
We got a report that you were
harassing children in the city.
Luring them with candy and money.
Come in, officers.
Please.
Do you want any?
Thank you.
Officers, this is a misunderstanding.
I came to pick these two up
for an exchange program.
Isn’t that right, Miss?
Yes.
And while you’re here,
you can give them a ride back home.
Mister Mayor, I lied to the police.
And I started drinking here.
-Already a champion, Miss.
-I only had two shots.
-I meant your lying.
-Well, that's true.
You’re a bad influence,
but I learned a lot of new things.
I did too.
Yeah?
So let’s do another inspection, hm?
And a proper one this time.
What do you say?
Everything
will be back to the way it was, El.
You’ll be happy and content.
-Sorry, I’ll be right back.
-Of course.
So this one started
choking me, right?
And he says, I warned you
to leave my wife alone.
He came for her! They’re already packing.
That perfumed city boy
came for our dearest teacher.
I hear you. Why are you telling us this?
Let him take her.
I was stuck with her for long enough.
She didn’t fit here. She grew flowers
instead of potatoes. Typical city blonde.
Or her cleaning.
Saturday morning was the worst.
I always had to take off
my shoes in the hall.
Or her cooking. It was good, but it was
always so hot that I burnt my mouth.
And would you believe it,
she didn’t like rabbit. Softie.
And the worst thing, she didn’t have
any sense of humour. At all.
In the beginning at least, then...
You’ve got like two minutes.
I’m such an asshole! Excuse me.
Let us onto the deck.
Hello, excuse me.
Eliska!
Children, are you alright?
Show me! Are you okay?
Hello, Mister gravedigger.
You’re so smart, thank you.
-Jara, what were you doing? Come here!
-Leave the boy alone.
Nothing happened. Eliska, get in, please.
Yeah, yeah.
She’s not going anywhere!
We’re not going to let you take
our wonderful teacher away.
Are we?
I wouldn’t be of any use, anyway.
The school was shut down.
As far as I know,
we’re only missing two children.
Bohunka and Adamek over there
are very smart, took after me.
And that nice guy over there
is my son, a forest engineer.
The beautiful fairy next to him
is my daughter-in-law.
We’re all reunited now. We can start over.
Without me this time.
You can’t do this to us.
-Shall we go?
-A while longer!
Let the looker wait for a while
and think it through.
I had to lock up my shop.
How’s it looking?
The school and the children would miss you
but... I would miss you most of all.
Well, I wouldn’t want to scare you
again with my seducing.
What did she say?
She said that she wouldn’t want
to scare me with her seducing.
Don’t worry,
leave that to me this time, okay?
I thought you were
done with women forever.
She says she thought that I was done
with women forever. I thought so too...
You’re a bad influence.
Eliska!
Jesus Christ!
Should I kneel or what?
Kneel all you like, but at that chapel.
Pray and get lost!
Slow down, hotshot.
Eliska is still my wife.
Stop blowing your own horn.
Come here, Eliska.
You’re a dentist, right?
That’s nice, you think you can fix
your own knocked out teeth?
Or would you need a colleague?
He’s the snitch that sent the inspector
to us, so he deserves a proper beating.
Pavel??
You’re not going to let yourself
get buried alive with some...
Gravedigger? Actually, I am.
Gladly, in fact.
I’ll show you something, pay attention!
You’re still here?
This isn’t another trick, Standa?
Oh no. According to the class register,
they’re learning about Cemetery Flowers.
Aren’t they a bit young
for Czech poetry’s magnum opus?
What’s this flower? Jarmila?
-A carnation.
-That’s right.
-And this one? Tomas?
-A rose.
Kids love her and parents do too.
They’re sending kids to us from far away.
From overseas too, I see.
That one’s our new doctor’s.
She and her friend
are building a house near the village.
Refreshments for our engineer!
Where is he?
He said not to wait for him.
I made him orange chicken.
I think he prefers blonde chicks instead.
He’s with her again?
He just can’t get enough.
Did you know that older parents
have the smartest children?
And the most beautiful ones,
even doctors believe that.
You want a kid?
You don’t?
-Twins would be ideal.
-Twins?
One the smartest,
the other the most beautiful.
-You’re crazy.
-I am. Crazy for you.
I love you.
I’ve only packed the essentials so far.
Do you like it?
It’s funny, go look!
I’ve already prepared everything.
Eliska, wait!
I can’t go on holiday with you.
Why not? We were so excited.
Klara is pregnant.
Your sister? But she likes girls.
Not her, the new nurse in my office.
Oh, the young one.
Been there for barely three months.
Exactly. And she’s in the third month.
Then tell her I’m happy for her
and let’s not worry anymore.
We’ll find you a new nurse when we return.
I got her pregnant.
I’m going to need to divorce you.
She wants to marry me.
You said you weren’t
mature enough for children.
Now you get a nurse pregnant?
I guess I matured.
At forty-seven?
Weird, isn’t it?
You’re pathetic!
You can’t let it get to you, El.
Don’t cry!
I’m not!
I’m treating this great lawyer.
She specialises in divorces.
Slacking off, Miss Lawyer?
Come on, once more!
-If you want, I’ll mention you to her.
-No no, thanks.
It’d be a shame not to.
Right. She’ll make my brother look
more stupid than he does now.
And he’ll have to pay up on command.
I don’t want his money.
Big mistake, young lady!
We’ll take the skin off his back.
Scary, right?
If I were you, I’d drain
that cheating bastard’s account dry.
You’ll live like a queen
with that body, eyes and hair.
Soon, you’ll have a new bastard
wrapped around each finger.
-Lucie!
-What?
What do you mean what?
Why are you seducing her?
You’re not jealous, are you?
I’m just trying to cheer her up.
-Don’t overdo it. And you, don’t cry!
-I’m not!
-Come on!
-I’m not crying.
I’m not!
Wow, she really isn’t! What a champ.
Thanks!
Are you sure you want
to get on your own feet?
Yeah!
What do you want to do?
The air smells so different here.
Yeah, it does.
This still doesn’t seem like a good idea.
You haven’t taught anyone for 20 years.
The kids will recognise that
immediately and skin you alive.
Oh please,
they’re still too innocent to misbehave.
Just like we said. Teacher face on,
speak properly and be strict!
The hair. Try a different style.
A bun?
Yes, Miss.
Sure you don’t need help?
No, it’s fine. Thanks.
-Good luck then!
-Thanks!
-Bye!
-Bye!
Attention! Attention!
Community radio announcement.
The annual melon festival
will take place next week.
So, all citizens with melons
can take part and put them on display.
May.
I’m sorry?
„May take part“ is correct.
I repeat – all citizens with melons
may take part and put them on display.
End of announcement!
You must be our new teacher.
Yes. I’m looking for the mayor.
You’ve found him! Bouda. Standa.
Pleasure to meet you.
Eliska. Vomackova. Likewise.
Just finished tending to the herd.
You know, can’t make the cattle wait.
-I don’t, actually.
-Well, you’ll learn here. Come.
My great-grandpa founded this school.
Grandma always said I was just like him.
The young ones leave,
so there aren’t many kids.
No one wants to teach here.
You told me
that the class is newly equipped?
Yes.
I bought brand new chalk. Coloured.
A new sponge. Also coloured.
You’ve still got a stove here?
Yes.
You’re probably used to better,
but we don’t have the money.
I’ll get used to it.
That’s the Stetkas.
I’ll kill you!
Then kill me!
You’d like that wouldn’t you!
Make a widow out of me!
-Then don’t!
-Marus!
Knock it off,
I’m having an official meeting here.
Sorry, Standa.
-They’re a little high-strung.
-A little?
She threw his chimney
sweeping ball at him once.
She missed, that’s why there’s a hole.
Seriously?
It’s always like this, but they like
each other. They’ve got five children.
Their house burnt down!
You don’t say.
Pepa Stetka was in the pub for too long.
The kids set the house on fire.
Excuse me?
Pepa leads the volunteer fire brigade.
Got home quickly.
The kids are fun here, you’ll like them.
I moved them into the municipal flat,
since their house is gone.
I understand. That’s nice of you.
Into the flat we promised you.
Don’t worry!
We have a municipal house too...
Does the house have a garden?
There is one. Kind of.
I love gardens with lots of flowers.
-There’s enough flowers there.
-Really?
Of course. Especially on All Souls‘ Day.
Here we are.
It’s beautiful!
REST IN PEACE – CEMETERY
Are you joking?
I’m not. It’s only temporary,
until the Stetkas sort their house out.
You’ll have perfect quiet
for grading tests.
Our gravedigger
is very excited to meet you.
She ironed this shirt for me last Friday...
So I didn’t embarrass her at the pub.
Martha was the best woman in the world.
I just couldn’t sleep
with her the last five years.
Her snoring was terrible
and I was stupid enough to blame her.
See, at least you’ll get some sleep now.
Hey.
This is Mrs. Vomackova, our new teacher.
-How are you?
-How are you?
How are you?
How come it’s a woman?
Is that a problem?
You told me it’d be a man!
He called it off at the last minute.
Let’s go take a look
at your new housing, Miss.
I’m not going to live with a woman!
Don’t be stupid, women can be very useful.
Come, come.
All the kitchen equipment
is at your disposal.
Thanks a lot.
A pig wouldn’t eat here.
Bozicek will clean it up.
Forget it.
Those pigs of hers would have to fly.
WELCOME, MR. TEACHER!
So, this is your kingdom.
Everyone from the village donated.
Something that they wanted to get rid of.
It’s rather cold here.
That’s cause of the corpses,
so they don’t rot and smell.
Used to be a morgue.
-Not true.
-It is.
It isn’t!
-He'll get the stove working.
-She'll do it herself.
When night comes, it’ll be nice and warm.
And you’ll be dead asleep.
Oh, come on.
There’s no lock?
No! Who would steal corpses?
I’ll take care of it. Don't worry.
What’s inside?
He’s a drinker?
Oh no, he just sorts waste thoroughly.
Miss! I’m begging you!
Mister Mayor,
I could bear living in this pigsty.
But not with some drunk.
I was planning to start a new life here!
He’ll limit it, surely,
now that he’s not alone.
I promise.
I’m not going to be able
to get someone instead of you.
I’d let you live at our place,
but my mother-in-law moved in.
You’re better off in the cemetery.
Don’t be angry.
The kids need you...
You don’t want them to grow up
to be ineducated, do you?
Uneducated.
Uneducated.
Stop it!
We know each other a bit, don’t we?
But that individual will behave!
You’ll behave, you hear!
He’s not that bad.
You’ll be friends for sure.
That’s the last thing I want to do here.
Make friends with men.
God, where does that pig wash himself?
I see.
Will you help me clean?
I’ll sharpen my scythe
and I’ll be right with you.
At least clean those shoes!
I just polished the floor!
You, you’re lucky
that I don’t use foul language.
-Seriously? Never?
-Never.
Fuck, must be a fucking shitty life.
She was always so patient
with me. Such a kind woman.
And her tomato sauce,
no one does it like her.
She always took the meat and...
Oh, hello Miss!
-Hello.
-Hello.
What can I get for you?
A kilogram of potatoes, please.
Everyone grows them here
or gets them from a neighbour.
Then half of a loaf of bread.
We don’t do halves, only whole loaves.
Then a whole loaf.
You order those ahead of time though.
Oh. Then I don’t know.
Wait, Bozicek’s got one ready for him.
You can take it with you and share.
-Alright.
-Yeah?
Is our gravedigger behaving?
Well, he is a grump.
He is a bit of a maverick.
Well, the can doesn’t help anyone.
Especially when he drinks
20 a day.
Oh no, not like that. He did time.
He was in jail?
Yeah. For twelve years.
Don’t exaggerate!
His sentence was only eleven years.
And he got out early for good behaviour.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Why did they lock him up?
He strangled his wife. And her lover.
And he raped her before that.
-Excuse me?
-Apparently.
Come on,
Bozicek raping someone? Not likely.
Once a guy’s in the mood,
nothing can stop him.
Boo!
Come’ere!
Got you!
With some deviant.
Klara, hey, please,
come back for me right now...
How about I send someone else?
You’re a bastard.
Guess who came to ask about you.
I envy you that kid.
Will you let us borrow it?
Yup, all by himself.
He’s wondering how you’re doing.
Then tell him that I’m alright.
Absolutely fine.
Hello?
-Hi.
-Are they nice to you?
Oh yeah, the people are wonderful.
The neighbours especially.
Eliska, do you know
where my tuxedo cuffs are?
Oh, I see. Of course.
Why are you panting?
I’m not. Just locking up.
It is very pretty here. Picturesque.
What? Nothing, I was startled.
Gift from a roommate.
Wasn’t expecting one.
Wait, you already found a guy there?
How old is he?
Well, he’s got nothing on your girl,
but he’s well-preserved.
You know what? I’ve gotta go. Bye!
Good night!
Screw you too! Deviant.
Hello?
Hello?
You read French poetry on the toilet?
It helps.
In French?
Helps the best.
And you learned that
in the correctional facility?
None of your damn business!
I’m sorry.
Could I buy one half from you?
Which half?
Doesn’t matter.
It does. One’s for me
and one’s for the rabbit.
Should I talk with the rabbit then?
Thank you.
Not doing it for you,
but for the children.
Hungry teachers are usually nervous.
Do you have a bit of milk for coffee?
You want milk?
Come.
Here you go. Enjoy!
Thank you.
A goat cappuccino.
Go ahead!
-Like it?
-Yes. Could I get some more milk?
Of course, if you manage
to deal with the udders.
Whose funeral is being prepared?
Your predecessor’s.
Don’t worry though,
she was well past her prime.
I heard you need potatoes.
Yes, but a kilo would suffice.
What am I going to do with this?
Proper potato soup!
Oh yeah, I’ve got the lock for you.
And the knob.
Good, I won’t have to be afraid at night.
Nervous?
Not really.
I mean, with your experience.
Oh, I spoke to the Trnkas‘ mother.
They have severe pox,
so they’ll be absent for a long time.
Where do they live?
I can bring them some study material.
Well, they live in seclusion,
pretty deep in the forest.
Far away.
Don’t think about it right now.
Concentrate on today.
The kids are excited to meet you.
Here’s the class register.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Good morning, children.
Come on, Jara!
Where are you?
I’m sorry.
-Jara!
-Get him.
-Come on!
-Jara!
-No one’s going to hurt you!
-Wait!
Come on Jara!
Don’t be immature!
Good morning, children. My name is
Eliska Vomackova and I’m your new teacher.
Now, I’d be very happy
if you introduced yourselves to me.
-Hruby Jan.
-Present.
-Kralova Lucie.
-Present, Miss.
Stetka Petr.
Present.
-Stetkova Pavla.
-Present.
-Stetkova Jarmila.
-Present.
-Stetka Jan.
-Present.
Stetkova Tereza.
Present.
And Zezulka Jaroslav.
Present!
-There we go. For you.
-Thank you.
Come here!
Good luck!
Come!
You’ll sit here.
Our school has only one class,
that’s why it’s a one-room school.
These are rare
and valuable these days.
So we’re valuable?
Indeed.
Each and every one of you is valuable.
Just because we’re small doesn’t mean
we can’t do great things.
Our dad said that it’s not about size,
it’s how you use it.
Well, of course.
Of course.
Jarmila, come here!
Hello, I’m Stetka.
The kids forgot their lunch.
-Are they behaving?
-They are.
Your son was just telling us
how wise you are.
Well, I’ve always been
more of a thinker than a doer.
Did they inherit
their artistic talent from you?
Don’t think so.
I’ve never seen
such beautifully painted fire.
They do like fire. Can’t leave them alone
with matches, they’d set fire to my bed.
Speaking of,
I can’t light Bozicek’s stove.
It’s probably a bit lazy,
it’s been cold for a long time.
Don’t be afraid to fuel it.
Alright. Thank you.
Petr! You know what I said! Don’t try me!
You like playing by yourself?
Yes.
Isn’t it boring?
I don’t like surprises.
Afraid you’d lose to a woman?
I haven’t played
with any woman for a long time.
No wonder the chimney’s not working.
It’s been a while since
I visited this place.
Daddy visits pubs more than chimneys.
Hey, don’t be a smartass
and go play with the others.
But mommy said so!
Mommy says lots of things. Shoo.
No, thank you. You’re not afraid
to drink when you’re climbing up?
Quite the contrary, gives me courage.
I’m afraid of heights.
Jesus Christ!
-How’s the work on your house going?
-Excuse me.
Not the best. We’ll have
to tear down a wall and rebuild it.
Should be finished before Summer.
-What?
-Summer?
If you managed to finish up sooner,
I’d be very grateful.
I’ll help you. The sooner it’s done,
the sooner I’ll have peace.
Hold it!
All-in.
Bold.
Stetka, put it down immediately!
You approved a small one.
One, not twenty! Stop fooling around.
Come on! We’re never going
to finish rebuilding.
What? Look,
you’re barely standing! Go! That’s his?
I’m going then.
It’s no secret. Get out.
Muggy today, isn’t it lads?
-Bye.
-Go! Get a move on!
Doesn’t look half bad. We’ll have
to change the laths back there.
Need a lot more tiles though.
You hear lads?
Yeah!
Then get to it!
I’m going!
Good morning.
Good morning, children.
Fun, isn’t it? Found your routine already?
Kids, run to the playground.
I’ll be there in a bit.
Why are they letting him boss them around?
Well, he is an engineer.
Bozicek, an engineer?
A civil engineer.
Used to have 50 people under him.
So being a gravedigger
is an improvement, then.
Cause in the cemetery,
he’s got at least 500 under him.
Oh my god! I’m so sorry, Mister Parizek.
Mister Mayor! Mister Mayor!
Yes?
How are the Trnkas doing?
Their attendance isn’t the best I assume.
Kind of.
They haven’t come to school once.
Are you going to the Burning of Witches?
I am, but what about the Trnkas?
Look, their pox is gone,
but they caught a cough.
That’s not that bad,
hopefully I’ll see them soon.
Whooping cough.
That’s a serious illness!
Exactly. And contagious. So it looks
like they’ll be absent a bit longer.
They aren’t vaccinated?
No vaccines when you live in solitude.
Well, I’ll be going.
Don’t forget your broom.
Or at least a plane!
BURNING OF WITCHES – AIR SHOW
BROOMS AND AIRPLANES REQUIRED
I’m just taking it outside,
it’s as dark as a crypt inside.
It won’t fly like this.
I know that.
Tell me what to do
if you’re so smart, Mister Engineer.
Wait a moment, I’ll get dressed.
That looks good.
All it needs is some varnish.
Here.
Well, what do you think?
-It’s perfect.
-Right?
-It’ll attract wasps.
-Maybe.
Wanna come and try it out?
I’d rather not.
You don’t wanna see if it flies?
Oh, it will.
I don’t like these group activities much.
Too bad.
Hey kids!
Wow Miss!
You’re such beautiful
witches and wizards. Like my plane?
It’s pretty!
Try it out then. Careful!
Good afternoon, Miss.
Good afternoon
Will you have some?
No thanks, I don’t drink.
At all? What a shame!
Alcohol kills brain cells.
I would have noticed by now.
-To your health!
-Cheers!
And nothing! You see?
Gentlemen!
Who wants some cake?
Me!
Mom, there’s one more here.
Show me!
Where are you?
You get near my wife again and I’ll use
your head as a trophy! Is that clear?!
Let’s get it to it then!
A bit to the side.
-Hurry up.
-Miss.
Cheers. No, I don’t drink.
I can’t drink this.
Come on Miss!
It’s too bad you didn’t come.
It was quite fun.
And we got the prize for prettiest plane.
What happened? Show me.
It’s nothing, it just needs some bandages.
I’ll help you.
It’ll be alright in the morning.
Sorry, forgot you always
manage by yourself.
Fuck, will you finally show me
the fucking hand or not?!
I thought you didn’t use foul language.
When it comes to you
I have no choice. You’re a bad influence.
Excuse me.
It’s nothing.
May I?
I’ll do it.
The hand.
-It hurts that much?
-No.
Try moving your fingers.
Cut it out. This hand.
-It’s probably broken.
-It’s not.
-You’ll need a doctor.
-It’ll be fine.
The mayor will give us a ride.
Let’s not bother him,
he’s taking care of the cattle anyway.
It’s not stupid.
Please.
Alright. But get dressed.
Bozicek, don’t be childish.
Good morning.
Hello.
May I?
Are you really that much of a loner?
I didn’t want to ruin
your good reputation.
Can we go already?
Why do they call you Bozicek anyway?
Bullies always called me that.
My name is Bohumil.
Everyone called me „blondie“ at school.
Why?
Because I’m blonde, get it?
I do, I’m an engineer.
It’s not like blondes
are more stupid than others.
They’re as stupid as brunettes.
But I'd choose blondes if I had to.
Really?
Really.
Come in.
Strip and remove all metal objects, okay?
That’s what’s keeping you there?
Oh please, what would I do with him?
I’m not even divorced yet.
So he’s available?
As far as I know.
You couldn’t do that to Klara.
I could.
She's finally decided.
She wants to have a kid.
We’re looking for a suitable donor.
That’s great, no?
This one is absolutely unsuitable.
-Why?
-Well, he’s old.
That’s perfect. Older guys have
the smartest and most beautiful children.
I said strip naked!
-Naked?
-Yeah.
-Why? It’s only my hand.
-You’re not here to make decisions.
Strip naked! Hurry!
But it doesn’t hurt anymore.
I’ll go outside.
Come on!
Wanna know what I’m getting first.
-You’re terrible!
-Come.
-I’m not going.
-It’ll be fun.
Move over to the panel. Faster!
Put your hand in the centre. Are you deaf?
Hurry up.
Stop whining. You’re a man, aren’t you?
Come on! Smile!
So? Is it good?
I wouldn’t know.
Make him turn around.
Turn around!
There are vending machines
with everything – coffee, soda, candy.
Why isn’t there one where I would
choose I want a tall, funny, smart guy...
...and it’d give me the only thing I need?
I don’t know, what am I supposed to do?
I don’t wanna die childless.
Look how you ended up.
Okay, but fishing for guys here?
Isn’t that unethical?
A healthy, willing guy
always comes in handy.
Always? Just look at him.
He’s a brute. With unacceptable hygiene.
He’s been in jail.
More than once.
He killed his ex-wife,
besides other things.
And you’re not afraid to sleep
under one roof with him?
Of course I’m scared,
but what choice do I have?
Come!
And you blame me.
Here we go.
Hold this, dear. Thanks. We’ll have
to fixate your hand for a few weeks.
Come with us.
Keep your clothes on
under all circumstances!
-Here you go.
-Thanks.
Sorry if my sister-in-law harassed you.
No, she was actually very friendly.
It actually surprised me
she’s your friend. Both of them were.
-Very friendly?
-Friendly enough.
Did they have any inappropriate requests?
Just standard ones.
They asked how you’re doing as a teacher.
It's surprising
how little experience you have.
How long have you been teaching for?
After college?
Generally. In total.
Well, never.
The mayor promised a flat,
so I thought I’d dust off my diploma.
That’s very likeable.
To throw yourself out there
for the first time, that’s brave.
-Thank you.
-Given how old you are.
And who actually told you?
-What?
-About my wife.
-People in the village.
-I see.
-Never believed it anyway.
-Big mistake.
You didn’t kill her, did you?
Wait, did you or did you not?
Stay calm, El, she was
probably the one doing the killing.
Look at this boy. Huh? Up for adoption.
Adorable, dear. I’m not surprised
he’s suspicious towards women.
-Look at the grave... What’s the number?
-What?
-The number of the grave.
-Wait a moment.
-218.
-Look up grave number 218.
Why would she get him a grave? Alive?
So she wouldn’t have to explain
why daddy’s in jail. Because of mommy.
Who would believe such a fairy tale?
Someone small.
Someone still needing fairy tales.
You’ve got it!
So he’s already a grandfather.
There’s a content bunny.
Why didn’t you tell me you have a family?
And who told you that?
No one. I’m neither blind nor deaf.
Too bad you’re not mute.
-Do you see them often?
-Sometimes.
And do they see you?
God damn, do you like being nosy?
No, it just seems sad.
What comes now is even sadder.
Your time has come, friend.
Wait, you aren’t venting on him?
Venting? You got anything else for lunch?
You said you wanted to help,
now’s your chance. Pull him out.
-I can’t do it.
-Yes you can, open it!
Open it, quickly!
Come on. You can do it. Chop chop.
Grab him by the ears.
-The ears?
-The ears. Pull him out.
It only takes a proper slash.
-Grab him!
-Don’t shout at me!
-Like this?
-Yes! Pull him out. Out!
-That’s got to hurt.
-It doesn’t.
-Oh God.
-That’s life, come on.
Don’t worry, bunny. Good boy.
What’s happening?
Death knell.
-You're lucky, pal. Someone overtook you.
-There.
I knew it. The moment
our gravedigger can’t dig, someone dies.
Then you dig.
Why me? She liked you more.
-That’s not true.
-It is.
Come on, why should a woman dig?
Then Franta can dig.
But she hated me.
She’d crawl out if she knew I dug it.
How about cremating her?
Then you could scatter her in a meadow.
Let her travel for once in her life.
Didn’t get to have any fun with you all.
That’s true. We should cremate her.
We’ve never cremated anyone.
-Could be the first.
-Didn't she fear fire?
-Of course, being a witch.
-Don’t talk about our mother like that!
So I can’t talk but I should dig?
Then you dig it.
Who is it? I can’t see without glasses.
-Old Miss Sykorova kicked the bucket.
-Oh no!
She had beautiful legs. One less option.
-You have nothing else but these rags?
-Complaining, are we?
What, are you going to the opera?
Or a date behind the barn?
Like I’d tell you.
I have a nice dress
with an interesting cleavage.
It‘d suit you.
You mean the light one
I got you for our anniversary?
Pavel?!
You’ll look great in those then.
Won’t be as dazzling as you, though.
You showed up
just to remind me how dazzling I am?
No. I came to rescue you.
-No one asked you to.
-I know.
Eliska, I really miss you.
What about your pregnant nurse?
She was in the third month,
then the fourth, the fifth.
Then she wasn’t pregnant at all.
She made it all up,
just to tear us apart.
The bitch!
She almost succeeded.
Almost?
Mirka, oil please.
You’re cooking?
No, baking.
For who?
Myself. I don’t like rabbits.
-Will that be all?
-460,-
-I’ll pay.
-Absolutely not.
Eliska, I know I’m an asshole.
-You are!
-I am.
I want you back.
You don’t want to die in this shithole.
What’s keeping you here?
Eight children that need me. I haven’t got
any waiting for me in Prague.
You could.
I realised that I’d actually
like to have children.
With you.
Alright, I’ll be waiting for you.
You’ll be waiting forever, then.
460,-
-Excuse me?
-Pay up.
Of course.
Hello, Mr. Beaver.
How are your front teeth doing?
Everything alright? They’re my best work.
And what about you?
Still working in education?
I need to ask you a favour.
Eat up.
Come eat.
See, escaped your cremation
by a hair’s breadth.
-Smells great.
-Thank you.
This is great.
-How many?
-Two.
-Only two?
-Then five.
Thought so.
-Or seven.
-You won’t finish that.
-You wanna bet?
-Sure.
-You need help?
-No, it’s fine, thank you.
-You sure?
-I’ll manage.
Give me that, I’ll cut it up.
-Thank you.
-You’re welcome.
Why aren’t you eating?
You took my fork.
Oh, sorry. Take this one then.
That one’s mine.
-Alright.
-Thanks.
-Everything good? Then enjoy your meal.
-Likewise.
Great job!
I don’t drink.
Yes? Come in!
Good evening, Miss. I’m glad you’re not
asleep yet, I’ve got great news.
Your power’s out?
No, my light bulb burnt out.
I’ll replace it.
You don’t have to.
The Stetkas finished rebuilding, you can
move in now. Here's the keys.
-Aren’t you happy?
-I am, I am.
I’ll just get dressed
and I’ll pack right away?
It’s no rush.
Of course not. I’ll stop by tomorrow
and help with the moving.
Come in.
Let go, you beast.
It’d be grandpa’s birthday today.
Me and him were born in the same month.
Go get some fresh water
so the flowers last longer.
Why did grandpa die?
He had a lot of work,
you know, dangerous work.
-What was his job?
-I’ll help you.
-I already told you, Bohunka.
-I wanna hear it again.
Okay. Your grandpa, my dad,
built huge houses. Bridges, too.
Remember the bridge
we saw on our way to auntie’s?
-Which one?
-The one with the thick ropes.
Well, our grandpa built that one.
Alone?
All by himself, he was very handy.
If not for him,
I wouldn’t have met your mommy.
One day, when I went to see grandpa,
mommy was standing there.
And she smiled at me
just like she did now.
And then...
-It hit you.
-It hit me.
-Why’d you run away?
-I didn’t.
You did. Like a kid.
This was a great opportunity
to introduce yourself to them.
They’re so close
and they don’t even know about you.
That’s good.
I can’t just rise
from the dead all of a sudden.
-Why not?
-It’d only frighten them.
You wouldn’t if you shaved
and ironed this shirt.
I don’t have the time.
If only you didn't frown all the time.
Just because you seduced me
doesn’t mean you can boss me around!
I seduced you? I'm not that desperate!
Hello. Am I too early?
No, you’re just on time.
I wouldn’t last another minute with him!
Likewise!
You’re pathetic!
I’ve got you!
You son of a bitch.
No, wait.
-I warned you!
-Wait!
-I told you to leave my wife alone!
-Calm down! He’s waiting for you.
-What?
-It’s true.
Why?
Because of this.
-That’s...
-You.
-And...
-That’s me.
You frightened me.
Are you looking for someone?
Yes. Teacher Vomackova
and the local one-room school.
Why? Who are you?
Beaver. School inspector.
You're the one we were waiting for.
Come in. I’m the mayor. Bouda.
Standa.
Our school has a rich history.
My great-grandpa founded it.
Grandma always said I was just like him.
President Masaryk co-founded this school.
It’s been in operation since then.
There were years when we had 30 children.
-And now you have...?
-Precisely 10.
The smallest possible amount, yes?
Here, we have a beautiful chronicle.
You’ve got to see it.
Sit down and look through it,
so you can appreciate our history.
Everyone's coming soon.
I hope so. I wouldn’t like
to see a single student absent.
Wait! Wait! No teaching today.
Go to the playground.
No school for today. Come on, go!
-Yay!!!
-To the playground, now.
Don’t ask any questions, go!
Not through here, through the window,
I already prepared a ladder.
-Why?
-There’s a beaver on the loose.
A beaver?
A dangerous, mean beaver with huge teeth.
-Show him to the kids then!
-Absolutely not.
The kids are waiting at the playground.
-But we have maths!
-Then you’ll do maths outside.
-Mister Mayor, I can’t!
-Come on. Hurry!
-Mister Mayor!
-There you go.
-You can’t be serious.
-Don’t worry, everything’ll be alright.
I got some great candy here, kids.
And we’re off.
-How many flowers are there?
-Seven.
Miss, the wait is over.
The Trnka siblings.
-Good morning.
-Good morning.
He looks rather developed
for a seven-year-old.
Children grow faster in the forest.
There’s better water there.
And that’s supposed
to be his older sister?
She neglected her fluid intake.
Mister Mayor, I think we have to talk.
What’s the deal here?
The Beaver at school
is a school inspector.
What? He came to inspect me?
Not you, Me!
Before the school year,
two children moved away.
The Education Office demands
at least ten children per school.
Why didn’t you tell me?
I was worried you’d report me. We didn’t
know each other. Help me, I beg you.
My great-grandpa founded this school.
I have to save it for him.
Just teach like you always do.
-I’m a terrible liar.
-Thank God I didn’t tell you sooner then.
I’m not actually a teacher!
What do you mean?
I’ve never taught anywhere but here!
Forget about that!
You’re a teacher! A great one!
And you’ll kick his ass, okay?
-Okay?
-Okay!
Let’s go!
They’re all coming.
All ten of them, including the teacher.
I’ll make sure
he doesn’t bother you for long.
What sparked the modern era?
-You should know that.
-Jarmilka.
The discovery of America.
Or the printing press.
Or the Turkish conquest of Constantinople.
Correct!
What sparked the Industrial Revolution?
How about you?
Blow off some steam.
Excellent!
The invention of the steam engine!
Excuse me.
What is eight plus four?
Boy.
Three?
Recite all vowels.
Girl.
-A, e, i, o, u.
-Great job, Lucinka.
Very good.
What is the largest
nocturnal bird of prey?
Owl, owl, owl!
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
You’ll have the full report
by the end of the week.
We look forward to it.
Goodbye.
-Good morning.
-Good morning.
That motorcycle is yours?
Yes.
We got a report that you were
harassing children in the city.
Luring them with candy and money.
Come in, officers.
Please.
Do you want any?
Thank you.
Officers, this is a misunderstanding.
I came to pick these two up
for an exchange program.
Isn’t that right, Miss?
Yes.
And while you’re here,
you can give them a ride back home.
Mister Mayor, I lied to the police.
And I started drinking here.
-Already a champion, Miss.
-I only had two shots.
-I meant your lying.
-Well, that's true.
You’re a bad influence,
but I learned a lot of new things.
I did too.
Yeah?
So let’s do another inspection, hm?
And a proper one this time.
What do you say?
Everything
will be back to the way it was, El.
You’ll be happy and content.
-Sorry, I’ll be right back.
-Of course.
So this one started
choking me, right?
And he says, I warned you
to leave my wife alone.
He came for her! They’re already packing.
That perfumed city boy
came for our dearest teacher.
I hear you. Why are you telling us this?
Let him take her.
I was stuck with her for long enough.
She didn’t fit here. She grew flowers
instead of potatoes. Typical city blonde.
Or her cleaning.
Saturday morning was the worst.
I always had to take off
my shoes in the hall.
Or her cooking. It was good, but it was
always so hot that I burnt my mouth.
And would you believe it,
she didn’t like rabbit. Softie.
And the worst thing, she didn’t have
any sense of humour. At all.
In the beginning at least, then...
You’ve got like two minutes.
I’m such an asshole! Excuse me.
Let us onto the deck.
Hello, excuse me.
Eliska!
Children, are you alright?
Show me! Are you okay?
Hello, Mister gravedigger.
You’re so smart, thank you.
-Jara, what were you doing? Come here!
-Leave the boy alone.
Nothing happened. Eliska, get in, please.
Yeah, yeah.
She’s not going anywhere!
We’re not going to let you take
our wonderful teacher away.
Are we?
I wouldn’t be of any use, anyway.
The school was shut down.
As far as I know,
we’re only missing two children.
Bohunka and Adamek over there
are very smart, took after me.
And that nice guy over there
is my son, a forest engineer.
The beautiful fairy next to him
is my daughter-in-law.
We’re all reunited now. We can start over.
Without me this time.
You can’t do this to us.
-Shall we go?
-A while longer!
Let the looker wait for a while
and think it through.
I had to lock up my shop.
How’s it looking?
The school and the children would miss you
but... I would miss you most of all.
Well, I wouldn’t want to scare you
again with my seducing.
What did she say?
She said that she wouldn’t want
to scare me with her seducing.
Don’t worry,
leave that to me this time, okay?
I thought you were
done with women forever.
She says she thought that I was done
with women forever. I thought so too...
You’re a bad influence.
Eliska!
Jesus Christ!
Should I kneel or what?
Kneel all you like, but at that chapel.
Pray and get lost!
Slow down, hotshot.
Eliska is still my wife.
Stop blowing your own horn.
Come here, Eliska.
You’re a dentist, right?
That’s nice, you think you can fix
your own knocked out teeth?
Or would you need a colleague?
He’s the snitch that sent the inspector
to us, so he deserves a proper beating.
Pavel??
You’re not going to let yourself
get buried alive with some...
Gravedigger? Actually, I am.
Gladly, in fact.
I’ll show you something, pay attention!
You’re still here?
This isn’t another trick, Standa?
Oh no. According to the class register,
they’re learning about Cemetery Flowers.
Aren’t they a bit young
for Czech poetry’s magnum opus?
What’s this flower? Jarmila?
-A carnation.
-That’s right.
-And this one? Tomas?
-A rose.
Kids love her and parents do too.
They’re sending kids to us from far away.
From overseas too, I see.
That one’s our new doctor’s.
She and her friend
are building a house near the village.
Refreshments for our engineer!
Where is he?
He said not to wait for him.
I made him orange chicken.
I think he prefers blonde chicks instead.
He’s with her again?
He just can’t get enough.
Did you know that older parents
have the smartest children?
And the most beautiful ones,
even doctors believe that.
You want a kid?
You don’t?
-Twins would be ideal.
-Twins?
One the smartest,
the other the most beautiful.
-You’re crazy.
-I am. Crazy for you.
I love you.