Stuck on You! (1983) Movie Script

Sir?

There's trouble on Earth.

DEEP VOICE: So what else is new?

MAN: But this time, we

might be able to help.

Take a look.

See that couple down there?

DEEP VOICE: Oh, yes.

Nice people.

Let's send an angel to help.

MAN: But sir, the only one

available is Gabriel,

and you took his wings away after the mess

he caused last time.

DEEP VOICE: Well, send him down and maybe

he'll earn his wings back.

MAN: But you know what

kind of chaos he'll cause.

DEEP VOICE: Solving this kind

of problem is never easy.

You know what they say.

If you want to make an omelet,

you have to crack some eggs.

[CLUCKING]

[CHICKEN SHOUTING AND GROANING]

NARRATOR: This is the story of a

couple, Bill Andrews and Carol

Griffiths, who have come to family court,

like so many other couples today,

to settle their problems in a

mature and peaceful fashion.

[GROANING]

Let go of me!

I hate him!

You stupid lying bitch!

[SCREAMING]

Order!

Quiet!

Order!

Be seated!

Another outburst like this,

and I'll clear the court.

Let's go Carol.

Carol, hey, hey, hey!

Now, I can understand the explosive nature

of a palimony case.

I mean, when a couple has lived

together for three years

or so, as you, Bill Andrews,

and you, Carol Griffiths,

have and have not gotten married, dividing

the property in a just and equitable manner

can be quite difficult. So you

decide to sue each other-- not

for alimony but for palimony.

Yes, palimony.

That's a word these days that

is found on everybody's lips.

BILL (VOICEOVER): Look at her, so smug.

What did I ever see in that witch?

[CACKLING]

CAROL (VOICEOVER): How could I

ever have loved that monster?

[SNARLING]

BILL (VOICEOVER): That bitch.

CAROL (VOICEOVER): That turd.

In view of the turmoil

that this case is causing

and the new legal territories

which must be explored,

I would like to meet with the complainants

privately in my chambers.

This court is adjourned.

Mr. Andrews and Miss Griffiths, would

you mind if a couple of my associates

sat in on our little talk?

I'd like you to meet a

couple of people that have

the same problems you have.

This is Cindy, and this is Bud.

Cindy, Bud, you know Bill and Carol?

Do you like them?

I think she's pretty.

Can I go back in my drawer now?

Bud!

Would you mind telling us a

little about yourselves?

Oh, god.

Not this again.

I'm an associate with the

legal firm of Crum and Scrum.

I received my masters in psychology,

and I coordinate the firm's

dealings in investment banking.

Hey, Carol?

Hm?

Nice tits.

[GROAN]

I have a fine job with a great

deal of responsibility.

Besides being an inventor for

several patented techniques

to make chickens lay more eggs, I'm

a highly respected expert at the

delicate task of egg handling.

Oh, baby, don't look!

Andrews!

You are a shithead!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

BILL (VOICEOVER): I remember

perfectly how Carol and I met.

It was on a Tuesday.

CAROL (VOICEOVER): It was a Thursday, Bill.

BILL (VOICEOVER): I got a

call to deliver a truckload

of fryer chickens to the

law firm where she works,

Curm and Scurm.

CAROL (VOICEOVER): Crum and Scrum.

[PHONE RINGING]

I have an order here for 20 fryer chickens

to be delivered by noon today

to Crum and Scrum attorney.

I don't care what your order says.

I ordered fried chicken not live chicken.

Now, I have 30 people coming

today for a board of directors

meeting that I have to feed.

Now, just get them out.

Look, lady, I'll be glad

to take them with me,

but this is a COD.

I can't leave without the money.

So if you'll give me

$72.37 and just sign here,

we'll all be on our way.

I don't even know what fryer chickens are.

Now, just get them out

before they make a mess.

Ooh, look.

It's starting to mate.

BILL: Look, lady, that's what chickens do!

[SCREAMING]

Please!

Somebody get him off me!

[MUSIC - CAPTAIN AND TENILLE,

"LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER"]

To us.

We didn't care about

getting married because--

We really thought we loved each other, so--

We decided to move in together, and--

Boy, did we make a mistake.

Bill, Carol-- [BELCH]-- palimony

is a concept that lawyers have dreamed

up when business is slow.

I mean, I've been around a long time,

and this is a problem of relationships.

Whether you call it palimony

or separation or divorce

or separation and palimony

and divorce or-- it's

all the same thing.

Your problems are the same

problems that have faced us

since the dawn of time.

Surely the cave-woman must

have suffered at the hands

of lust-hungry caveman.

I mean, her supple frame abused,

her melon-heavy breasts heaving

in sensuous delight, her

lust-hardened nipples like two

fire-red bullets, twisted and

bitten and making hot monkey

love in the steaming swamps and

all the animals watching--

that tiny little possum and a

beaver and the little ducks

and all the friends of Mister Goat

and the chickens were just--

You get the general idea.

I mean, try to imagine what it was like.

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): This is the time

when man distinguished

himself from the animals

by walking erect.

[BOING]

Hey, Joe, Harry, Melvin-- incredible!

Take a look at this thing!

How did that happen?

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER):

Cavemen quickly learned

to take matters in hand.

Bronto, I'm having a little

get-together on Friday,

and you must attend.

Sure, Rock.

We're going to have pterodactyl

burgers, the works.

Great.

Who you taking?

The same guy I saw you with

at the tribal sacrifice?

No. Tyrannosaurus.

-Rex? -Oh, is he Australopithecus?

Oh, no, no. He's Peking.

Oh, Peking.

I dated one when I first

came out of the cave.

It nearly ruined me.

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): As man

became more civilized,

he recognized that his woman also

had needs and finally gave her

the satisfaction she craved.

Do it to me!

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER):

This kind of cooperation

led to great inventions, such as the wheel!

[GRUNTING]

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): The wheel, by itself,

proved to be a hard nut to crack.

So to prevent further mishap, they

connected the wheel to an axle.

[COMMUNICATING IN GRUNTING]

[MOANING]

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): And

then they invented fire.

Oh, your honor, you're such a romantic.

But our relationship is beyond repair.

You mean to tell me that

there were no good times?

Well, maybe when we first

shared a house together.

I couldn't keep my hands off her.

[MUSIC - CAPTAIN AND TENILLE,

"LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER"]

[RHYTHMIC DANCE MUSIC]

[CORK POPPING]

[EROTIC MUSIC]

So what happened after that?

My wife taught me how to do this.

All he ever did was work on

those stupid inventions of his.

Oh, I got news for you, sweetheart.

I was working so hard for you.

If those inventions had ever made it,

we'd have made $1 million.

Oh, Bill, you were working for yourself

and your precious mother.

Oh, get off my back about my mother.

What has she ever done to you?

Quiet!

I can't hear the blender!

It's that you never stood up to her.

Well, at least my mother

knows how to treat a man.

And you'll never be half

the man your mother is.

I feel so humiliated.

Bill, do I really have to?

Please, Carol.

CAROL (VOICEOVER): Bill was so

terrified of his mother that he

made me dress up like a Spanish maid

when she came to visit so she wouldn't

know we were living together.

Just this once?

[DOORBELL]

[KNOCKING]

I am Mrs. Andrews.

Hello, Billy.

Hi, Mom.

You can take your orders

directly from me now.

When's dinner?

I'm hungry.

Get those bags in here.

Why don't you just tell her

we're living together?

It would kill her.

She's so frail.

[BLOWING NOSE]

Oh, the place looks so much better

now that you've got the maid.

You must be doing very well.

Oh, by the way, I know this will

come as a great disappointment,

but I can only stay three weeks this time.

[DISHES BREAKING]

Uh, yes.

Uh, Mom.

There's, uh-- there's

something I want to tell you.

Uh, do you speak English?

You should serve from the left.

Could you ask the maid for some milk?

Carmelita?

Could we have some milk for my mother?

Milk?

Oh, el milk-o.

And warm it up, par fa-vor.

I want to show you my tombstone.

I got a few samples right here.

Oh.

Here's my favorite.

Mommy.

You don't think the color

is too loud, do you?

Mom!

I need an epitaph-- something

short, like Louise Andrews

died without grandchildren.

Mother, listen to me.

Carmelita is not the maid.

Her name is Carol, and she lives with me.

And we're not getting married.

Oh!

Oh, the palpitations!

Oh, my heart!

Oh, living with a servant!

She's pregnant!

That's it, isn't it?

She must be pregnant.

No, that's not it.

And this will calm those palpitations!

No!

Carol!

[SCREAMING]

CAROL (VOICEOVER): I showed her.

After that, she only stayed for two weeks.

The way you talk, you'd think you

were the first man and woman

on the face of this Earth.

Would it shock you to

know that Adam and Eve

had the same problems you have?

And they didn't even have contoured sheets.

Eve really got Adam into trouble.

And it all began when they

met at that singles' bar.

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): Until Eve

came along, that singles'

bar was no Garden of Eden.

It was a real zoo.

[ANIMAL NOISES]

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): And if you're human,

it's pretty tough to get laid in a zoo.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Buy you a drink?

Baa!

Beat it, shorty.

She's with me.

Yes, sir.

Come with me to the [INAUDIBLE], baby!

I'm so lonely here.

I'm such a miserable creature.

Look at the winged fowl and the things

that creepeth upon the

earth having a party,

making all that noise.

If only God would make me

a mate-- something soft,

something warm, something

more in my own image.

DEEP VOICE: Something in your own image,

but warmer, softer, rounder?

You got it.

Hm, not bad on such short notice.

I think I'll call it woman.

I think you missed the point!

DEEP VOICE: You prefer blondes?

Fine.

A mate!

God has given me a mate.

My name's Adam, the creature that walk-eth.

I'm Eve.

What do you say we blow this joint?

I guess.

People in here are such animals anyway.

DEEP VOICE: Adam, go forth with Eve.

Be fruitful and multiply.

Is this fruitful enough?

I don't know.

How much is 11 times a pig?

DEEP VOICE: Wrong.

You are to fill the Earth with people.

Look, if you're confused, follow

the example of the rabbits.

The best.

I'm the best.

I'm going.

Oh!

[SNORING]

DEEP VOICE: Adam, you'd

make a lousy rabbit.

So, do you smoke after sex?

Gee, I don't know.

I never looked.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello, Stella?

Hold all my calls.

I can't be interrupted.

What do you mean nobody called?

Well, if you can't hold

my calls, hold my balls.

Everybody else does.

[KNOCKING]

Where are you going with that?

You told me to file these briefs.

What do you want?

We're taking this suit to a higher court.

[CHUCKLING]

Everybody's a comedian around here.

I'm looking for Judge [INAUDIBLE].

You want small claims court.

He's three doors down.

Sorry.

What about your social life?

Well, we didn't like to party much.

We preferred to stay in our

quiet little neighborhood

and have philosophical discussions.

Like for instance, the social

significance of the 1960s.

Wow.

Look at my hand.

People were so aware.

People were so free.

Dope was so cheap.

Oh, are you dry yet?

Yeah.

Lay down.

I'm not finished.

I just want to try something

here with a little bit

of everything we have got.

No pastels.

Oh, baby, this is going to be

the best damn body painting

I have ever done in my life.

I know that this will work like nothing,

nothing you can imagine.

It's perfect.

Just a little--

This is art.

Oh, hold me.

I feel so close to you.

If we squeeze hard enough, we could fuse

our bodies together into one.

Yes, yes.

Oh, this is great.

Why'd they ever stop body painting?

I don't know.

Nixon, I think.

[PHONE RINGING]

Why does it always have to happen--

[GRUNTING]

[CHUCKLING]

Carol, will you cut it out?

I've got to answer the phone.

Super glue?

Oh, shit.

We've got to get up. Ready?

I'm ready.

One-- don't laugh.

One, two--

[SCREAMING]

Are you all right?

Yeah.

You'll simply adore this neighborhood.

It is so lovely, and the people are lovely,

and you'll fit right in.

And it is so quiet.

[LOUD CRASH]

Look, if we'd have gone to the garage

and gotten the turpentine like

I suggested, none of this

would have happened.

Oh, perfect time for you

to go to the bathroom.

Well, I told you I was

reaching for the john.

Oh, blame it on me.

Sh.

Look.

Just act natural.

Right.

How do?

Hi.

Come on, Carol.

It's only another two and a

half miles to the hospital.

Hang in.

Look, Mabel, she uses the same

brand tampon that you do.

Then, remember at the

hospital when the nurse asked

us if we wanted to split up?

[CHUCKLING]

[SNORING]

Germans!

Corporal, Germans!

I don't think I can hold them off.

Germans.

Sorry.

Old war wound.

Korea.

You were in Korea?

Yeah, I bought this suit there.

Like it?

You see, I met this Korean bimbo-- you

don't want to hear about that.

I got this rash here.

Do you know anything about rashes, Carol?

Your honor, I think we're

here to talk about us.

Actually, there's something

I meant to ask you kids.

Did you ever think about getting married?

Actually, Bill and I talked

about getting married.

But his answer was always the same.

No!

I always used to dream about my wedding.

I knew exactly how I wanted it

to be, down to the last detail.

[DISCO MUSIC]

CAROL (VOICEOVER): Since it

was just in my imagination,

it was the most beautiful wedding ever.

(RAPPING) I'm cool as a fool.

I'm the best there is.

When I walk down the street,

nobody else exists.

If I'm at a party, better get your lady,

'cause it's for the women

that God did make me.

I float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

My wang, you rang, it's as big as a tree.

No woman alive could ever make me

drop, 'cause when I break them

open, you can hear them pop.

They say he's cool.

There's nobody finer.

He loves the women from here to China.

[INAUDIBLE] walks away.

Check that out, baby.

Nobody knows how he got this way.

I was eating at the club

on a Saturday night

when this lady left a

man and I had to fight.

It was over in a second when I put

the sucker out, and just for good measure

landed one on her jaw.

Eighty-sixed that place

with the cops on my tail,

I pulled out my revolver,

no way I'd go to jail.

We were screaming down the

street, shooting at the lights.

Then I shot him in the engine

and I said, good night.

BILL (VOICEOVER): So we didn't get married.

We did have sort of a honeymoon.

I took Carol to a tranquil, secluded beach,

where we could discuss the more private

parts of our relationship.

Take your top off.

Oh, god.

I love being alone with you.

It's so great to be away from the crowds.

[SCREAMING]

[BEACH MUSIC]

Folks, used Kleenex!

Freshly used Kleenex!

How about you, lady.

You certainly could use some.

No, thank you.

I got my own supply.

Oh, thank you.

Used Kleenex, folks.

Used Kleenex.

Anyone want-- -Underpants!

Underpants!

I got all kinds of underpants!

Hey, get your underpants!

Yes, sir.

Would you like a bag for that, sir?

No, I'll eat them here.

BILL (VOICEOVER): I can't speak for Carol,

but I certainly didn't let the crowd make

me forget why we were there.

Take your top off.

What?

I said, take your top off!

Thank you.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes.

I was sitting over where you are, Carol.

Yeah, right here.

You don't mind, do you?

Uh, Judge, about our vacation--

Oh, yes, yes.

About your vacation.

Bill, Carol-- [BELCH]-- the way I see it,

a shared vacation can be an

awful strain on an otherwise

solid relationship.

When Christopher Columbus came to America

with Queen Isabella of Spain, they had

the same problems as you have.

As everyone knows, Columbus and his party

traveled in three small ships--

the Santa Maria, the Nina,

and for himself and his queen, the smaller,

more comfortable Pinto.

Christopher Columbus,

you've gotten us lost.

All right, now, everybody keep

your eyes peeled, because we've

got to make a left turn soon.

Are you sure where we are?

We're right on course.

You always say that, and I say we're lost.

No, no, no.

We're not lost, Queenie, sweetheart.

You know, I checked the globe here.

There's no problem.

Are we there yet?

No!

Look, there it goes!

It's that seagull!

Shit.

When are we gonna be there?

Can we stop and get ice cream?

Enrique's hitting me.

I am not!

You are.

Captain?

Hey, look, if you guys don't shut up,

I'm gonna turn around and

cut off your goombas, eh?

I want to play!

Slow down!

We're in a school crossing.

Look, I know what I'm doing.

School crossing, where?

Bunny has to go wee-wee.

I want bunny to drive.

Bunny has to go wee-wee.

Just why can't the sailors

take care of that

before they leave Spain?

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): The wind and the waves

finally deposited Columbus on

the shores of the New World.

If you'd only listened to me

and turned at Greenland like I

told you in the first place, we would

have been here months ago.

There go our neighborhood.

Shit.

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): The New

World was fraught with danger,

especially from the hostile red

man, who threatened Columbus

with great bodily harm.

I can take you to Indian massage parlor.

Pocahontas can apply buffalo

grease to sensitive areas.

She also give-um good head dress.

New in town, sailor boy?

[TRUMPETS]

Hey, what's that?

A flourish of horn.

No, no, no, no.

That.

Oh, they're Indian braves,

learning to hunt bear.

Ouch!

Now, let's get back to business.

So what'll it be, straight

massage, half and half,

around the world?

Hey, wait a minute, don't you

tell me about around the world,

OK, kid?

So, this is what you do when I'm

away, Christopher Columbus.

Uh-- I was just establishing

diplomatic relations.

She's a princess.

I'm gonna beat you into the 17th century.

I'm gonna kick your ass so far, you'll have

to look for it in [INAUDIBLE].

CAROL (VOICEOVER): Well, Judge Gabriel,

it wasn't our vacation

that was the problem.

After Bill and I came back from Miami,

things were OK for a while.

Then I began to notice that he

had all these annoying little

habits.

CAROL (VOICEOVER): I always

had trouble with him in bed.

And his friends were even worse.

Bill, why must you eat in bed?

You're always making crumbs.

Oh, Carol, come on.

It's one little peanut.

Oh, yeah.

What about yesterday?

Oh.

I don't know why you're so uptight.

Have you seen my turkey sandwich?

[SCREAMING]

[SPLASHING]

Bill, how many times have I asked you not

to leave the toilet seat up?

Carol, must you use my

razor on your armpits?

[CLANGING SPOON]

[CLEARING THROAT]

Are you going to be making

that racket for long?

You know, I can hardly eat

with all that going on.

Me?

Did you ever listen to yourself eat?

[SPITTING]

What's wrong with the way I eat?

It's disgusting.

That's what.

Some people like the way I eat.

Name one person.

Um--

Face facts, Bill.

You're very often an inconsiderate slob.

I am not!

I just enjoy my food, that's all.

Hey, look.

Three more box tops, and we

can get this flying saucer.

BILL (VOICEOVER): So I

relaxed a little at home.

When we went out, I was

always the perfect gentleman.

Well, what about that employees' picnic?

You felt so competitive

with everybody there,

you made me feel like a

piece of your property.

I know how you feel!

What are you talking about?

You only love me for my body.

Oh, you're just being stupid.

Don't call me stupid, butthead.

Don't call me butthead, stupid.

That'll be enough.

[GARGLING]

Hurry up.

We'll be late for my boss's picnic.

I know exactly what I'm gonna wear.

My new designer jeans.

Great.

The most sensible $150 I've ever spent.

Dig these.

Would you get me started with this?

Sure.

OK? Yeah?

-Pull. -Ready?

Yep.

OK.

Boy, while you're getting

chic, I'm getting a hernia.

OK, now ready?

Yeah.

OK, now--

Oh, Bill, that's much better.

Oh, it's really working.

Almost there, hon.

OK.

One more.

OK. Ready?

Yes.

This will do it now.

Really go.

One, two, three.

[STRUGGLING]

Oh, Bill, you're so good.

Bill, you sure this is a good idea?

Crank it up, Lou.

Maximum lift.

All right!

OK, Bill.

AAA coverage on this.

BILL (VOICEOVER): Because

of Carol's stupid jeans,

we were so late to my boss's picnic,

I didn't even have time to tell

him about my latest invention.

You're late, shithead.

CAROL (VOICEOVER): You certainly

had enough time to make

a jealous fool of yourself.

[BEACH MUSIC]

Oh, the water feels so nice and warm.

It feels marvelous around my leg.

Oh, what is it?

That's too warm!

[SCREAMING]

And now's the time you've all been waiting

for-- the annual chicken rodeo!

Ladies, if you will.

[FANFARE]

Max Blackstone, our champion

three years in a row,

will show us his strength and

endurance on the urban chicken.

[CHEERING]

[BANJO MUSIC]

Bill?

[APPLAUSE]

[DRUM ROLL]

Yahoo!

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): Jealousy

has made many people

jump to the wrong conclusions.

It seems to me that you have a deficit

in the old trust department.

Nowadays, trust is the most important

part of a relationship.

But love wasn't always like this.

During the fall of the Roman Empire,

the barbarians who raped and

pillaged the Roman women just

grabbed any feminine [INAUDIBLE] that

happened to be fleeing in their direction

and kept them locked up in barbershops.

Hence the expression barbarians.

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): The

barbarians treated their women

companions very badly.

[INAUDIBLE] cut off my hand!

Oh, I did not.

It fell off.

Ha, ha. Good boy.

Give it here.

I'll throw it in the soup.

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): The tribes that

were especially brutal to their women

were the Visigoths, the

Ostrogoths, and the mishigas.

That'll be last time you drink

white wine with roast beef.

No!

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): But the worst tribe

of all, the most vulgar and violent,

were the dreaded Stooges.

Hey, Moe!

Spread out.

CAROL (VOICEOVER): Talk about Stooges.

That's just what Bill was

for his boss, Mr. Poulet.

But I need more.

Hey, shithead?

I mean, Bill?

Yeah, fart-face-- I mean-- oh, Clem.

This one seems to be having

a bit of a malfunction.

Check it out.

All right, we'll have a look-see here.

Hold on, Suzie.

I don't know what's wrong.

I've never known her not to lay before.

There you go, Clem.

Thanks a lot.

Yeah, no problem.

Take it back.

And tell those hens I want

more god damn laying of eggs.

l do you want, bozo?

Geez, I'm going broke.

What is it with these hens?

They're not laying any eggs.

What, are they frigid?

Exactly what I'm here to discuss, sir.

I have an idea that should make each hen

lay twice as many eggs.

What kind of idea, bozo?

I'd rather not say.

It's rather novel.

Navel?

Chickens don't have navels, bozo.

They don't have navels?

Well, how do their behinds stay on?

It's a yoke, sir.

Get out of here, shithead!

Yes, sir.

Well, thank you.

I'm glad you like my idea.

I'll have a demonstration set up

for Thursday's board meeting.

Get out of here.

Show us what you got, shithead.

Gentlemen, Mr. Poulet, what I have designed

is an audio-visual device

which should actually make

the chickens lay more eggs.

Well, I think we're ready

for a demonstration.

So OK.

Roll it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CLUCKING]

BILL (VOICEOVER): My little

movie did get the chickens

to produce more eggs.

But instead of laying them, the

chickens got so turned on,

they launched them.

Yay!

Oh, it works!

They're laying eggs!

It works!

It really works!

Oh, it works!

I'm going to murder you!

It's only a movie.

Come back here, you shithead.

I'll get rid of all the kinky stuff!

Carol, hello.

It's good to be home.

Anything interesting happen at work today?

Well, no.

I was hit by a bus on my

way, and Senator Cogburn,

he came into my office

and made me humiliate

him on my desk blotter.

Listen, I've had a terrible day.

I wouldn't have guessed.

It's amazing.

You're like a Sphinx.

I don't know how you keep it all repressed.

You must have terrible nightmares.

Oh, honey, you know the pressure I'm under.

I tried my demonstration for Poulet today.

They're still cleaning up the mess.

Hey, this is a new dress.

Listen, we haven't had a

night alone in weeks.

Oh, you didn't bring home

your work again, did you?

Every time I turn around, you're bringing

home more of these rodents.

Have you smelled our bedroom lately?

Sh!

Not in front of the poultry.

It upsets them.

And they're not rodents.

They're fowl.

They certainly are.

Couldn't we just have a

quiet night together?

Just you and me and the super glue?

No, no.

Really, Carol, I've got to

work on the egg inducer.

I just know I can get them to lay

more eggs if I start with

them when they're this young.

What about that thing

with the whipped cream?

You always like that.

Carol, you're in my light.

Oh, I'm in your light, am I?

Well, how would you like it

if I got out of your life?

Oh, great.

Great, Carol.

Yeah, good.

Lay this all on me right now. Go ahead.

Yeah, sabotage my work.

You know, you'd love to see

me fail, wouldn't you?

I'm trying to build a career here.

Your daddy set you up for life.

My father couldn't do that for me.

You had everything given to you.

Don't mention my father.

My father is a saint!

Oh, tell your father--

Witness, if you will, a couple.

A couple very much in love and

very much on each other's

nerves.

The point in contention,

disagreement over a man's job.

This sort of disagreement has long plagued

couples throughout the ages.

Come, let us observe a similar

argument in another day,

in another time.

You are going on a journey.

There's a sign post up ahead.

[COUGHING]

I feel it bad, Joe.

I feel it very bad.

NARRATOR: We have reached our destination.

The days of old, when knights

were bold, when toilets weren't

invented, they left their load

in the middle of the road

and walked right on, contented.

Look, yonder cometh the dangerous knight

from the black castle.

Nay, fool.

It is the good knight

from the white castle.

Let's see.

Sir Galahad gets a dragon

burger with everything,

the french fried toad is for Merlin,

and Maid Marian will have it her

way, or any way she can get it.

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): King

Arthur and his lady,

Queen Guenevere revolutionized

the lovers' quarrel.

From head--

To foot.

They pioneered the method that has kept

countless couples from breaking up--

the classic male-female fight.

There's nothing like it.

That be one shield down.

Now watch out for thy pantie shield.

[CHEERING]

[COUGHING]

Hildred, my battle-ax.

Sorry.

Come on, kill him! Kill him!

Violence!

[INAUDIBLE], my ball and chain.

Thank you.

Oh, is that my sword.

Autograph model, sir.

Sorry.

Me too.

More, more, more!

Come on, let me see some blood and guts!

Blood! Blood!

Blood!

And the pulse is still ticking!

GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): So, Guenevere

promised that she would

use her mouth a little

if Arthur would use his Lancelot.

I want to thank you for last night.

You were sensational.

I've never been in love before.

Mr. Poulet?

I

What do you want?

Well, I just wanted to apologize

for what happened in the

chicken coop last week, sir.

I had no idea that the film would have such

a profound effect on the girls.

That's not the problem, bozo.

You got them so steamed up, why,

those stupid birds want Friday

night dances with the roosters.

I had heard some rumors around the coop.

I may be wiped out.

I may have the solution to your problems.

Don't do me any favors, bozo.

If this doesn't work, you can fire me.

I can?

Oh, you got a deal, bozo.

You got a deal.

Gentlemen, I'm sorry I have

to do this to you again,

but I have a deal with bozo here.

He's going to show you this

worthless invention of his,

and then I get to fire him.

OK, shithead.

Show it, and we can all get back to work.

Just a minute, Andrews.

That's my prized Polish hen.

You damage so much as one

feather on that bird and--

Don't worry.

I know what I'm doing.

So did Mussolini, and look

what happened to him.

Now, I've given this

machine the peculiar name

of egg inducer because it

has the unique capability

of actually coaxing the

eggs out of the chickens.

With this nifty little device,

you get not one, not two,

but three eggs per chicken per sitting,

as opposed to the norm ratio

of one egg per hen per day.

So now I think we're ready

for a little demonstration.

Oh, I'll just set it here for

a two year old Polish hen,

and we're off.

[BEEPING AND WHIRRING]

One egg.

Two eggs.

[CHICKEN SCREAMING]

One drumstick.

One drumstick!

Oh, my baby!

Oh, for god's sakes, what's happening?

Mashed potatoes?

I'll-- I'll--

[BELCH]

Andrews!

I know.

I'm fired, right?

No!

You're dead!

Men, kill him!

BILL (VOICEOVER): Mr. Poulet

was a little steamed.

He didn't fire me, though.

A couple of other minor incidents

necessitated a career change.

I became a cheeseburger.

Plasti-burgers.

Get your bills!

Plasti-burgers.

They almost taste real.

Plasti-burger.

Get your mouth a Plasti-burger.

You won't believe them till you try them.

The work wasn't so bad.

I mean, there are a lot

of guys in my situation.

Morning, Bill.

How's it hanging?

Kids, there's been something

I've meant to ask you.

What's that?

Recognize this man?

He owes me money.

That's what you wanted to ask us?

No, I guess I lied.

What I really meant to ask you was,

why did you break up in the first place?

So you had a few problems.

Well, you haven't heard the worst of it.

It gets worse?

The real problems began when Bill

lost his job and his self-confidence,

and he started accusing me of

all these terrible things.

Oh, I did not.

She's a crazy lunatic.

You can see that.

I think you get the idea.

There was no more trust

in our relationship.

Bill, Carol-- [BELCH]-- trust

is a very unusual thing.

It's like ear muffs on a cantaloupe.

BILL: That's, uh, very unusual.

That's just what I said, very unusual.

In fact, there's something I

would like you to look at.

Napoleon Bonaparte was legendary

for his lack of trust

in his wife, Josephine.

He was obsessed with the

notion that while he was

out conquering the world, she was

hosting orgies back in France.

History was made one night

when Josephine and her lovers

feasted on a tub of baked beans,

and the whole thing back-fired.

WOMAN: Oh la la, baked beans!

[KISSING NOISES]

[DOORBELL]

Yes?

It's your own true Napoleon!

Scram!

Come, let's frolic.

No, Boo Boo.

What did I tell you, huh?

Come, let's frolic.

[FLATULENCE]

Ah!

Napoleon, you have farted!

It wasn't me!

It was the cat!

[FLATULENCE]

We haven't got a cat, do we?

[FLATULENCE]

It was me.

[FLATULENCE]

Sacre bleu!

Smells like Brooklyn.

Chemical warfare.

Get out, you nasty men.

Quickly, [INAUDIBLE].

Be gone.

Vamoose.

Beat it.

Next time I only let them eat cake.

I'm not Napoleon, but

that's exactly what was

happening between you and me.

What are you talking about?

I never did anything of the kind.

Of course you did.

I saw you with my own eyes.

I saw you.

Your faith in me is touching.

[GUNSHOT]

Works pretty well, don't it?

I used this once when I went

hunting in Woolworth's.

You went hunting in Woolworth's?

What were you hunting for?

Bargains!

I got you on that one, didn't I?

Say, what the devil were you

two kids arguing about?

Let me explain.

About a week after Carol and I had

our big argument about my

career, I saw something.

You don't understand.

Let me finish.

BILL (VOICEOVER): I felt

bad about the problems

that Carol and I were

having, so I thought I

would surprise her with tickets

to her favorite opera.

But I was the one that got surprised.

I decided to follow Carol, but

I didn't want her to know.

So I came up with this

clever disguise that made

me completely inconspicuous.

Despite my excellent camouflage,

I think she sensed something.

Carol!

Carol, get out of the car.

Carol, get out of there.

God damn it, Carol.

What are you doing?

Get out of the car.

Oh.

Terribly sorry.

I didn't-- oh.

Beat it, weirdo.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Just wanted to tell you

the circus is in town.

Be at the fairgrounds, August 5.

See you there.

Bruce, now, how did he

know my name was Carol?

BILL (VOICEOVER): I was getting desperate.

Taxi!

BILL (VOICEOVER): I had to

confront Carol at any cost.

Forest Lawn, and step on it.

Just one minute!

We need to talk!

Driver, do you see that suspicious

looking clown following us?

Yes, I do.

Can you do something about it?

He's been following me for days.

Yes, I can.

[MUSIC - "WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE"]

Faster!

DRIVER: How am I doing, lady?

CAROL: He's gaining on us!

DRIVER: Who the hell is that clown anyway?

CAROL: Never mind.

Just floor it.

[HONKING]

Hey, guys.

Thanks for stopping.

Follow that cab!

BILL (VOICEOVER): It was quite a chase,

but I finally tracked her down.

Now we would see if there was

anything left of our love.

Dear friends, we are gathered here today

to pay solemn tribute to a dear friend

and colleague, Charles Kaufman.

He would certainly appreciate the solemnity

and quietness of this moment.

Let us bow our heads for

a moment of prayer.

-We've got to talk. -What?

We've got to talk.

Here? Now?

Well, what's wrong with now?

Now is as good a time as any.

Do you have any idea where you are?

Excuse me, sir.

Are you with the mourners?

Well, no.

Not exactly, I--

Well, if you would just have a seat

so we can continue the service.

Sure, I'l-- no!

We were certainly taken aback

by this most tragic accident.

You have been following

me for days, haven't you?

Oh, you noticed?

[BOING]

I'm sorry.

Why are you doing this?

Because I think we have some

very serious things to discuss.

Oh, boy.

[COMIC CARTOON LAUGHING]

Will the gentleman in the third

row please turn that thing off?

One minute, OK?

I've just got to find the switch.

Here it is.

No, that wasn't it.

You think I like doing this?

[BOING]

The point is--

Will the gentleman in the third row

please let me bury this man?

I have another one to do today.

Hey, can't you see we're trying to have

a conversation over here?

[MUSIC - "STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER"]

Carol, look, what I wanted

to say-- all I'm trying--

Carol, all I'm-- stop!

Carol, wait!

Carol!

What I'm trying to say is that-- I think--

that we ought to-- get married.

Because I love you.

BILL (VOICEOVER): Carol was

a little upset after that.

So we sat down and talked it out and agreed

that perhaps temporarily I

should move out of the house.

Get out of here, you moron!

What are you-- oh!

Carol!

Open the door.

Carol, if you don't open

this door, I'm leaving.

I'm so glad you reconsidered.

You'll adore this neighborhood.

[GASPING]

I-- oh!

BILL (VOICEOVER): I wasn't

going to moon about it.

I started looking for a

small place of my own.

Since apartments are so

hard to come by these days,

I figured I better take the

first place to come along.

No visitors.

And no parties!

I'll take it.

No pets.

No loud music.

And rent's due on the first of the month.

Thank you.

BILL (VOICEOVER): It wasn't so bad.

And after I got through decorating,

the place looked really nice.

After a few days without Carol, I knew

I had done the right thing.

Now I had the chance to date

wholesome, well-adjusted girls.

BILL (VOICEOVER): Like Muffy.

Bill?

What?

Hurt me.

What?

Hit me.

Bite me.

Spank me.

Whip me.

Uh, um--

Take your belt off and spank me.

Punish me.

And teach me a lesson.

Uh, boy-- gee, it's 6:45 already.

I had no idea it was so late.

Bill, please.

BILL (VOICEOVER): It wasn't the

whips and chains that I minded.

But when she wanted to strap me to a chair

and make me watch "The Phil Donahue Show,"

I knew it was time to leave.

CAROL (VOICEOVER): I was

enjoying my freedom too.

Without bill, I became

the life of the party.

[LAUGHTER]

NARRATOR (ON TV): You have been

watching "The Champagne Hour,"

coming to you from the

famous Starlight Room.

All now a word about laxatives.

CAROL (VOICEOVER): I was meeting

all sorts of fascinating men.

Hey there, good looking.

My name is Len.

Maybe you heard of me.

I drive a Datsun supercharged Turbo.

How'd you like to go up to my apartment

and jump in the washing machine?

No.

Maybe some other time.

Hey there, good looking.

My name is Len.

I'd love to.

Excuse me.

I noticed you were sitting by yourself.

Can I join you?

Sure.

My name's Myron Lunch.

I work for Ross and White,

the accounting firm.

If you're not doing anything, would you

like to come back to my house and do

some really serious fucking?

I have a Water Pic.

It's real good.

[BELL RINGING]

All right, everybody!

Shut up!

It's 6:01.

Happy Hour's over.

Just shut up.

[NOISEMAKER]

You heard me, lady.

If you want to be happy, go next door.

Hi!

Sorry I'm late.

Hey, what's wrong?

Oh, you're not gonna believe

this, but I think I miss Bill.

What's worse?

Every jerk in town either wants to take

me home or buy me a drink or put

me through his washing machine.

God, I've been squeezed so many times,

I feel like a package of Charmin.

Carol, come on.

Now, don't talk like that.

You're strong.

You can make it through this.

I have faith in you.

You know, Carol, you--

you've got a great body.

Would you mind terribly if I

stick my tongue in your ear?

It's sad when the romance

goes out of a relationship.

What do you mean?

Never mind.

You better tell me, baby.

I'm your man.

You're not much of a man.

And you're bad in bed.

Look, you've got nothing there.

You bitch!

Take that, you bitch!

Take that!

Oh! Help!

Help! Help!

Help!

All right, break it up, you two.

Bill, Carol-- [BELCH]-- that's disgusting.

After careful analysis, I believe I finally

understand the situation.

You hate each other.

Now, why don't you both

return to your homes

and get a good night's sleep?

Tomorrow in court, I

will render my decision.

STELLA: Hello, your honor.

Did you have a nice lunch?

MAN: Thank you, Stella.

Any calls while I was gone, Stella?

No, your honor.

Just some crank telling

me to hold his ball--

I mean, never mind, your honor.

Well, let me continue dictating

on the Kornheiser opinion.

Yes, your honor.

[SNORING]

What's wrong with the way I act?

[CHUCKLING]

I love being alone with you.

DEEP VOICE: Bill Andrews

and Carol Griffiths,

the spirits of history summon

you back through time to stand

trial in the eternal court.

Your jury, the great figures of history,

will judge you, not on the

mundane values of the New

Jersey system of jurisprudence, but rather

on the cosmic universal wisdom of the ages.

Could I have a receipt, please?

Thanks.

DEEP VOICE: Bill Andrews

and Carol Griffiths.

Come before the bar.

[ORGAN MUSIC]

Ladies and gentlemen, this court

seeks judgement against the couple Bill

Andrews and Carol Griffiths.

Of what are they accused?

Mr. Judge, I'd just like to say something.

Excuse me, members of the

jury and everybody-- I'm

Christopher Columbus.

How do you doing?

Discoverer of America.

I just want to say one thing.

We've got a lot of very important people

here-- discoverers, inventors, people

who did very good things.

But there's one thing

we've all been missing

all of our lives-- one thing.

And these two-- hey, stupido, you found it.

You've got it.

You've got the magic.

You've got love.

Bill?

And what do you do?

You blow it.

Well, I've just got to say one thing to you

from all of us-- what, are you crazy?

Sheesh.

That's all I've got to say.

Thank you very much.

[BOING]

That's a good boy.

Thank you very much.

Emperor Napoleon, call your first witness.

The court calls Artie Poulet.

What the hell?

Andrews, what are you doing here?

Come to think of it, what am I doing here?

I was in the middle of a

dream with Linda Ronstadt.

Do you know that man sitting there?

Oh, yeah.

That's Andrews, the shithead.

He used to work for me.

Would you mind explaining what happened

to end his employ with you?

POULET (VOICEOVER): It was on a Tuesday.

I've had it up to here, bozo.

Are you paying attention?

Yes, sir.

Then look at me when I shriek at you.

Is your mind somewhere else?

Are you having personal problems?

I heard from that girl of yours, she's

treating bozo like a dork.

Forget that tart.

There are 90,000 other

clucking hens in the coop.

Mr. Poulet, please.

Do not call her a tart.

She's the most wonderful girl in the world.

We're just having problems

right now, that's all.

Well, that's because you spend

more time worrying about hen

laying than woman laying.

You can't be quiet, can you?

Hey, watch it, shithead.

Control yourself.

What do you want to do, get

fired over some half-wit tart,

huh?

No.

No, I-- I guess not.

I quit.

Thank you, Monsieur Poulet.

What do you think of that,

Miss Griffiths, huh?

Bill, you mean he didn't fire

you because of the egg inducer?

Say, ain't you Charles de Gaulle?

Witness may step down.

Call your next witness.

The court would like to

call Lance Griffiths.

Oh, god.

Lance!

I've got to stop smoking that

sensimilla before going to bed.

Monsieur Griffiths, do you recall meeting

secretly with that woman there?

Carol!

Oh, yeah.

I've met her a few times now and then.

And can you tell us what

happened the last time you met,

huh?

Yeah.

We had lunch and cocktails and a

sidewalk cafe a couple of weeks

ago.

Well, Carol, I think I do know a few people

who'd be interested in what

your hero has to offer.

I love you.

You've always come through

for me in every way.

After all, what are older brothers for?

Besides, it's not just for you.

I've always wanted to invest

in an egg inducing machine.

I hope this guy is worth all this trouble.

He is.

He's a genius.

And that jerk that he works

for doesn't recognize that.

But now with this money,

he can do it on his own.

OK, you've sold me.

It's a deal.

I had no idea.

GABRIEL: The witness may step down.

Why, thank you.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

The prosecution may sum up now.

J'accuse, Bill Andrews and Carol Griffiths,

of murdering your love.

The prosecution rests.

[SNORING]

Thank you, Mister Bonaparte.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

Guilty.

Very well.

Bill Andrews, Carol Griffiths-- [BELCH]--

the ladies and gentlemen of the

jury have found you guilty.

Guilty.

-Guilty. -Guilty.

Guilty.

ALL: Guilty!

Guilty!

No!

Bill!

I love you, Carol!

I love you, Bill!

Carol.

Oh, Carol.

Oh.

No.

No!

Carol!

Bill!

Carol!

Bill!

Carol!

Bill!

Carol, Carol!

I missed you so!

Oh, Carol, Carol, my darling,

how can I ever ask you to take

me back after all I've done?

Ask me to take you back?

It was all my fault, my darling.

No.

No, it was my fault.

Oh, darling, you're so

sweet, but you're wrong.

It was my fault.

No, no.

It was my fault.

Oh, sweetheart, don't you remember?

I was the one who was wrong.

No, no--

[LAUGHING]

GABRIEL: Oh, I got 'em!

I got my wings!

I got my wings-- hey, kids!

They're back, back-- oh,

they're back together.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Oh, I can fly!

[MUSIC - "LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER"]

These things don't work.

They don't work.

oh, yes, they do!

Oh, yippie, yippie!

Goodbye!

Dreams are made of such stuff.

NARRATOR: So Bill and Carol were reunited,

thanks to the help of Judge

Gabriel, their guardian angel.

They soon got married.

It was a beautiful ceremony.

And they finally did learn to live

with each other's little idiosyncrasies.

[MUSIC - "GHETTO RAP"]

Stuck on You! (1983) - full transcript