Stroppy Cow, Stubborn Ram (2015) - full transcript

A man who earned his life by imitating Elvis Presley in the retired houses, with his newly reunited daughter traveling all over Europe, to deliver a sheep to Norway. A hearthwarmer road movie.


Thank you.

Please write,

"For Ellie".
- "For Ellie," my pleasure.

For Ellie.

There you are.
- Thank you.

A photo? No problem.
- He'll be so pleased.

That's really nice of you.
- My pleasure. - Thank you!

Right, ladies, that's it.
- Your autograph,

- What's your name? There you are.

Right, ladies. All things
must come to an end. Thank you.

I'll be back.

How can you eat so much at this hour?

Darling, I'm going to marry Mark.


Yes. And Mark and his two sons
will be moving in with us.


Darling, nothing will change for you.

You will keep your room.

There's plenty of room. It'll be fun,
you'll see. One big happy family!

Very funny.
I don't want 0 big happy family!

Mark's sons are retarded!

They may be a bit simple
- They're amoeba-brains! - I raised you

all by myself. Now it's my turn.
- Mum, life was great with the two of us.

We don't need anyone else.
- Maybe you don't, but I want a husband!

One day you'll understand. You're just
too young now. - You're embarrassing!

Wouldn't you prefer a real bed some time?

Wake up together?

I like things the way they are.

Hey, man!

Now open the door. This is ridiculous!

They can be here any minute!
- So send them away!

Now listen. I want you

to behave yourself
and not spoil things for me.

What about my father?


You won't cu husband? If you really do,
after years of telling me that men

are completely superfluous,
then why not take my father?

Your father? I don't even know
where he is. - Find out.

What are you talking about? I have Mark!

Your father and I don't match. He's a
chaotic, dreamy tramp. He's useless!

You haven't seen him for twelve years.
People change. - Not Jakob.

You're so mean.


listen to me. The man fathered you.
Fine. We never needed him.

I'm sure my one-night-stand dad has more
to offer than Mark and his two dimwits!

Dad needn't know about this.
- Thanks.

You'll get it back. I just have to pay
the rent today. - Move back in here!

Mum, I'm 38.

You take things too lightly.

Your father worries.

There's no need. Thanks.
- Find yourself a decent job.

What about a steady relationship?

If it happens, it happens.
If it doesn't, it doesn't.

I won't toil for toil's sake.

Jakob, at your age
people have to take responsibility.

If something
is really worth fighting for, I will.


Can we put this here?
- No.

Come on.

No, no, no!

You will deal with this!
- I want to go to my father. - Mai

If you want to live with these zombies,
fine, but I'm going to my father.

I'm not even sure he's alive.

Do you still know his name? - Yes, I do.
- Then you can find out where he is.

Maybe he lives abroad.
- There are such things as aeroplanes.

I won't let you go to god-knows-where
by yourself. It's out of the question!

He'll pick me up at the airport.
I'm not 0 baby!

He's probably got five kids
and is living on welfare.

Still better than this.
Besides, you're making it all up.

I bet he has 0 villa, a pool and staff.

What kind of job is it?
- Has been cropping up for days.

Nobody seems to want it.

About the job.

Know the score?

Well yes

Got a driving licence?
- Categories B and C.

Experience with animals?

What kind?

So which one is it?

This one.

Uh-huh. - Uh-huh's right. After the trip
I can write off this motor.

What, no trailer?
- "All inclusive"!

So do you want the job,
or do you want the job?

Most of all I want an advance.

- Yes.

It's me, Julia Dellamare.
- Julia!

You have no idea who this is, do you?

- Just as I expected.

It's been 12 years, after all.
The opera singer

from a good home.
- Julia, I haven't forgotten!

Yes. Never mind. I'll be brief.
You've got a daughter.

She's 12,
her name is Mai and she insists

on coming to you.
- I've got what? - Still in Hamburg?

Yes. What do you mean, a daughter?

It's what you call female children.
You fathered her 12 years

and 11 months ago.
- What? But why didn't I know of this?

Because I never told you.

Right, I'll book a flight.
She'll be coming in from Munich,

arriving tomorrow
at 11:45 am. I'll give her

your mobile number. Okay?
- No, wait, I... - I'm sure,

she'll want to come home after a week.

Then you book her return flight, okay?
- I don't have a job ... - Stupid idea,

but she must have her way. So be it.
- You're not listening. I can't

You stupid moron, what are you doing?

I don't believe it.

Get moving, you idiot!

I've got a daughter. Get it?

I've got a daughter!
- So what? I've got two.


I don't believe it.





Letting you fly there
is the stupidest thing I've ever done.

You've no idea what you're in for.

You don't even know him.

What do you think he is?
A mass murderer?

Twelve years ago
you weren't afraid of him either.

For once I didn't want to behave.
- But I have to be?

You're twelve!
- I'd never have guessed it.

We'll keep in touch, okay?

If anything goes wrong, call me.
I'll come and get you.

I've texted
and mailed you Britta's number.

I've informed her.
She can be with you in 10 minutes.

And keep your mobile switched on
so I'll know where you are.

You and your NSA app.
It's totally invasive!

The best invention
since the existence of kids.

Don't call me before those aliens

have moved out of our flat.

What's up with you?

Going on holiday? - I've got the tent.
Do you have another sleeping bag?

There's one there!
- I need two. - Have you met someone?

I've got a job and I have 0

I need a second sleeping bag.

What kind of job is that?
Two sleeping bags

At a transport company.

Here you are. - There's cu bunk in every
decent lorry. You wouldn't need a tent.

Looks more like a joyride
with one of his floozies.

You always know best, Dad, eh?
- Just once, could you not fight?

Are you Mai?

And you are ?

Well, yesterday Julia rang me
your mother.

She informed me that

My name is Jakob. I am

I never knew about you.

I mean it's quite a surprise to me.

I've never had a daughter before.

I mean, I don't have any children.
- Can we go now?

Sure, of course.

You play the cello! Nice!

Shall I?

What's that?

We're going on a trip.
- In that?

Yes, get in. NI stow away your stuff.
- I wasn't prepared for a trip.

I wasn't prepared for a daughter.

But your mum never let me get a word in.
Never mind. You're here know

It'll be great.

We'll manage.

Careful, it's a real Baretti!

Why the roof? The car's empty!
- Yes, for now. Come on, get in.

Where are we going?
- It's cu surprise.

I don't like surprises.

Okay, I'll make a note of that.

Why not tell me where we're going?

- Excuse me?

We drive through Denmark and Sweden
to Norway and take a ferry to an island,

- I'd rather not go tramping with you.

We won't be tramping.

And don't be so polite. It's silly.
- This car's silly! It'll fall apart.

I hope not. We're picking up someone.

We've tried the plane and the boat,
but the beasts just don't survive.

Right, this is my beauty!

A real hunk.

Sheer muscle. Highly sensitive

and very headstrong.

Good boy!

It's a sheep.

Nothing like 0 dog.

Let's get on with it.

Yes, pull.
- I am pulling.

There you go!

Go on, pull!
- I am pulling!

Go on, buddy, move it.

- I am pulling!

Can I grab the horns?
- Yes. Up with it!


He has to arrive in a fit state.

He's got his work out out for him there.
Nothing must go wrong.

We've paid your boss
a lot of money for this.

- Now let's get the papers, right?

You've got to sign here.


- Hey, wait! Sign here.

She'll be back.

No matter whether they're young or old,
never run after a woman!

How much is such a beast?
I'd have to work two years for that!

Yeah, they don't come cheap.

I pay for half, if there's any damage?

Just to make sure. I don't care
who pays. Take it up with your boss.

The customs papers,
very important! Here they are.

Alright. - Right, bye.
And take care of my beauty, you hear?


Little doll?

Hop in!

What's it going to be?

No, thanks.

Get cracking, I haven't got all day!

It's alright. My daughter just wanted
to stretch her legs. It's our thing.

A drive, a walk

Are you screwing with me?
- No, no, no.

She's playing hitchhiking.
She thinks it's cool. Kids, eh?

You're bonkers.

I don't know anything about daughters.
I thought you wanted to come to me.

But if you hate all this, call your mum
and you can take the first flight back.

I can't.

What do you mean, you can't?

He's bound to stop soon.

I hope.

Tell me something about yourself.
- What good would that do?

I don't know anything about you.

I need power. Where can I plug in?
- Excuse me?

Where's the charging dock in this thing?
- Nowhere!

But my battery's empty.

Then look out the window!

Shit, this

Be so good and Shut up!

This bleating is unbearable.
And he stinks!


Is there no music?
- What?

Music? CDs?

Look in my backpack.

Who on earth's that?
- Man, stop it! That?


- Never mind. Just stick it in.

He seems to like it.
- Or it scared him to death.

God, what a terrible singer!

There. Let's have something to eat.

Would you tell me your profession?
- Stop being so polite, okay? - Okay.

By profession you mean something steady?

Where you do the some thing
day in, day out all your life?

I'm 0 freelancer. The operative word
being "free". - So Mum was right.

What about?

You're useless.

Your mother's wrong. I'm useful in
many ways, that's why I'm a freelancer.

And call me Jakob, okay?
- Okay.


Mai, at last!
- Have you sent them away?

How are you?
- Are they gone?

No. Stop being



Are these your holidays?

What form are you in?
- Sixth.

Do you like school?
- Any other questions?

Do you live in Munich?
- Since last year. - And before that?

Before that Geneva,
before that London, before that Vienna,

before that Brussels,
before that I can't remember.

We live where my mother sings.

Your mum's made
an awesome career for herself.

What's it like for you?
- It's Okay. The Geneva flat

was for too small.

Why aren't you eating?
- I don't eat meat.

I didn't know.


just eat the salad and the potatoes.

Are you alone?

I mean, do you have any siblings?

I bet you were born in May, right?
Me, too. On the 18th. - I don't care.

Why are you here?

What do you want from me?
- Nothing. Nothing at all!

You're only my father!

Hello, hello!

Come on!

Excuse me, that's my car.
Everything's okay.

The animal has everything it needs.
Everything's fine.

Coming through! Thank you. Yes.

He could do with some fresh air now.

Hey, sheep!




Damn it!



Shit ...

I have to practice.

Oh, shit.



I forgot the damn foot pump. Shit!

You say "shit" quite often.
Have you noticed that?

Instead of complaining about
my language, give me a hand!

On which side do you want to sleep?

We're sleeping together?
In that tiny tent? - Sure! Where else?

But you can pick a side.
- No way.

What? - You're a man!
- I'm your father. - I don't know you.

So get to know me. Man!
Are daughters always this complicated?

Only if you don't understand them.



Hi there.

A beer and a schnapps, please.

Not your best day today, right?

Don't know.

It is, really. But I never knew
how awful best days can be.

Here you are.

I think I'll have another schnapps.

Don't be alarmed. It's me.

Good night, sheep.

In case you get hungry or thirsty later.

The beast still hasn't got a name.

We can't drive that smelly ram around
without it having a name, can we?

You think of one, okay?

Good night!

Good morning.

What's that you're doing?
- Yoga. - Cool.

What for?

To strengthen the mind and the chakras.

I'll go brush my teeth.

Come on.

Please, come.

Perverse. It's really into this music.
- It knows what's good!

How long do we have to put up with it?
- Sorry? - How long does it take

to get to that island?
- About five days.

But first we take the ferry to Denmark.

How long were you planning
on staying with me?

You probably won't want
to leave me after this trip.

Got any friends?

Friends, how?

Who do you spend your time with, hang
out with, party with? - I play cello.

I'm in an orchestra. We rehearse.
Have you got any friends?

Sure. Lois!

In the old days there was always
plenty going on: mates, nice girls

In the old days? And now?

Most of them have families now,

jobs to go to

Could you hand me the papers
from the bag, please? - What papers?

Border control! - Denmark is part
of Europe. There are no more borders.

There are for animals.
But it'll go smoothly.

They'll glance at the papers and wave us
through. Could you hand them to me?

That went smoothly.

You know what the Northern Lights are?
- A luminous effect in the atmosphere.

Electrical discharges that
make certain gasses light up.

And here was me thinking it might be
something you could look forward to.

Have you called your mother?
- I sent her a text.

You're a lot like your mother,
you know that?

Those were two crazy months,

twelve years ago.

What do you mean, two months?
- It was really special.

But it didn't work out.
We just kept quarrelling.

Like we do.
- You were together for two months?

Two months and two days, to be exact.
But I'm sure she told you about it.

Yes, of course.

Did she tell you about me?


You never asked about me?

She told me you were unimportant.

And you believed her?
- It was true. A father wasn't important.

So why did you
suddenly want to come to me?

Did you two have a fight?

No need to be afraid.

They are just electrical discharges.
They can't harm us. In this car,

even if it is a pile of junk,
we're in the safest place on earth.

A Faraday cage.
I'm sure you know what it is.

Look how beautiful they are,

these bolts of lightning!

Could you stop the car?

I'm here with you.
- Stop the car!

Everything's okay.

It's alright.

Sorry, old boy.

Is this job important to you?
- You bet.

What if the sheep dies?

Why would a sheep die from rain?

What it it got pneumonia?
What would you do then?

Sheep are always outside.
Let's assume

everything will be fine, okay? Agreed?

How about some nice roast lamb?

It's that Elvis, right?

But this one looks totally different.
- It's on impersonator.

He was so famous that people impersonate
him all over the world. - Embarrassing!

Would you like something to drink?
- I understand her. - German?

I speak a little.

Plain orange juice will do.

I'll have a lager.

And? Good?
- Yes, very nice.

Is it your first trip to Denmark?
- Yes. It's very beautiful here.

Have you seen
the Tivoli Gardens in Copenhagen?

They're great!

Yes, and pretty spoilt.

Mai, please.
- Mai?

Mai, that's enough.

You're behaving like a little child!

But it really is beautiful here.

Mai? Thank God. I tried calling you
a thousand times. - Are they still there?

Yes. How are you?

Darling, I'm so glad you called. It's

Mai, open up!

Mai, it's pouring rain!

Mai, please let me in. Please.

Now I know why you left your mother.
She has a boyfriend and you're jealous.

Am I right?

And who's this?

My father and I

we've never gotten along.

I never understood
why he doesn't like anything about me.

Why he's always nagging at me.

Why he doesn't believe in me.

Believe me,

I really want to do better.

He stinks like hell! It's unbearable!

- It's wet. It has to dry out.

Want me to blow-dry it or something?

Stop the car. The smell's disgusting.

I'll stop when we get to Sweden.
- Man, you're such a loser!

Oh, sheep!


Who is it?

I'll put her on.

I'll put her on! Your mother.
- No, no.


She doesn't want to talk to you.

Yes, we're fine.

We're fine!

But she doesn't want
to talk to you. We're fine.

The connection's breaking up.

The connection! We're fine.


Why don't you want to talk to her?

She's worried. - No, she's not.
She only thinks of herself.

Now you can dry out.

It may take cu few hours,
but then the ram won't smell anymore.

Until then,
we'll make this a wonderful day off.

Let's go swimming.
The water looks wonderful.

Then I'll cook us a meal and we move on.
- I didn't bring cu bathing suit.

So swim naked. No one will see.
- Are you crazy?

Alright, I'll take off
my bathing trunks, foo.


Come on. Play cello later, while I cook.
Keep your clothes on then.

It'll be great.

Just look at it crystal clear water!

Let me go!

Come on in. It's wonderful!

Cut it out!

Now I know! You can't swim. That's it!

You can't swim.
- Sure I can swim. - Coward!

Sure I can ouch!

What is it?

I got a splinter in my foot.

Let me see.

- Let me have a look.

That hurts!

Yes, there's something in there.

Wait here.

What are you doing?

I'm going to cut it out.

Not on your life!

Just kidding. Here.

Show me your foot.
- It'll hurt. - Maybe a little.

Hold still. I didn't even touch you!

Don't be such a baby. It's pathetic.

You don't have any feeling for children.
- But I do for splinters! Right

You know what? Do what you like!

Oh, man!
- You're not even trying!

Her attitude is unbearable!


Shit, shit, shit!



Spit spit it out

Yes, spit it out.

What were you doing?
- I got a cramp.

You have to go back to your mother.
I can't do this. We just don't get on.

I haven't got what it takes.
I'm not a father.

But I'm alright. You saved me.
- I'll take you to Gothenburg.

And you can fly back to your mother.
That's where you belong.

They want to get married.
And now he's moved in with his two sons.

You'll manage.

They're three strangers,
and I don't want them around me.

I've always lived alone with Mum.

You didn't want to be with me.

You didn't want a father. You never even
missed him. You wanted to leave your mum

because she did something
that didn't suit you. - I'm sorry.

I understand all that

but I've had enough.

I don't know you, you don't know me,
we're done. - I don't want to go back.

Now what?

He's my monkey.
Mum gave him to me when I was born.

I always take him with me.

His name's Jakob.

I was just so scored for you, you know?

You pain in the neck,

I like you!

Can I stay with you? Please!

Only if you stop
blaming me for everything.

I should've been therefor you,
but I really didn't know about you!

I thought Mum was happy with me,

but she wasn't. She needs that idiot
Mark and two other children.

It's not your fault,
if your Mum can't manage, you hear?

She has to sort it out herself.
It's nothing at all to do with you.


Now give me your foot.

Operation successful.

So you can see
something of the world, 100.

Are you disappointed?
- What about?

About me, about your father.

I'd imagined my father very differently.

And you?

I didn't know about you,
so I never imagined anything.

You never wanted children?


- Honestly?


Do you have a girlfriend, or a wife?


That's not really my thing.

Too many compromises

And I'm too impatient.
- You're patient with me! - Yeah

I can hardly believe it myself.
It's kind of cu father-miracle.


Come on

This is a good spot.


Good night, sheep.


Wake up.

Look how beautiful.

It's truly wonderful.

They say we're made of stardust.

But maybe we're made of starlight.

Morning. What's going on?
- Good morning. I don't know.

His eyes look all funny
and he doesn't want any grass either.

Maybe it was something he ate.

Hey, old boy, stop mucking about.
Don't do this to us. Hang in there!

Maybe he's thirsty?

Just what I needed.

Come on.

Come on.
- Drink. You have to drink something.

Oh man, what if he's really ill?
How am I going to get a vet up here?

At least drink a little, go on.

Have you got any coke left?

Coke is good for everything.

But it's diet coke.

Do it again.

Yes, go on.
- Drink! - Have another sip.

That's it.

Great. Do it again.

Sheep, that's good.

Very good. It worked!

Very good, sheep.

Come here

Go on, drink.

That was a great idea.

Go on.

Go on, drink the rest, too.

We need some more.

I'll get you some more, sheep.

I'll just go to the toilet.

Want to race me?

Ready? Go!

I want to win!



It's horrible!

What is it?
- I'm covered in blood!

Open up. Please, open up.

I'm bleeding.

That's perfectly normal.
Don't worry. It happens

to every girl. Didn't your mum tell you?
- Of course she did,

but it's real blood.

And there's so much of it!
- Wait here. Just sit down. Wait.


I'm coming in, okay?
- Yes.

Here, take these towels.

It's disgusting.
- No, it isn't.

It's neither disgusting nor
embarrassing. It's completely normal.

I'll be right back.

Mai, what's wrong? Call me!


It's me again.

Which ones should I use?

I'd take a thick one.

Nice and soft.

Looks like a nappy.
- No one can see it.

And what are those?

Mini tampons.
In case you want to go swimming again.

I think I'll try these.

With these
you can ride a bike and dance!

Your mother. Hello?

I can't get a signal here. Hello?

I don't know if you can hear me,
there's no signal here.

Here's to you!

Now you can be bitchy
every four weeks, drink tea

and skip PE.

That guy was hitting on you!

What? Rubbish.

I saw it!

You've only just turned into cu woman,
and it's started already.

Your mother again. Hello?

Damn. The battery's dead.

Why doesn't she call you?
What does she want?

Why didn't it work out
between the two of you?

Good question.

We were too different.

Do you have to be alike
to love each other?

Not alike

but brave.

Watch it, your potato will get burnt.

It's done already.

You okay?

You don't look it.

Do you have a tummy ache?
- No.

- Well some women get tummy aches.

I think I have a tummy ache.

It'll pass.

What What do you do,
if you've screwed up?

Own up?
- Great!

Can you see a petrol station anywhere?

Damn, I should've got petrol!


Slide across. Take the wheel, I'll push.
- What?

Just keep the car on the road.

Now release the handbrake.
- What do you mean?

Push the button on the lever
beside you and let it slide it down.

It won't work! - Push the button,
lift the lever, then let it slide down.

That's good.

- But

Keep your hands on the wheel.

This good?
- Great!

You're doing great!

Is this right?

- What?


Well, how?
- Pull the lever up!

The lever. Pull it up!

Hit the brake pedal. Hit it!

I don't know how!
- You were great! - Sure. - Careful.

Mai? Mai?

Oh, my God!


What were you thinking,
causing all this mayhem? - Hi, Julia!

What did he do to you? I read your text
and jumped into the first plane.

Why haven't you been answering
your phone? If it wasn't for the app,

I'd never have found you!
Where's the blood? - Mum!

What blood? And what text?
- I'm bleeding because I got my period!

You got ...?
Do you have any idea how afraid I was?

I thought God-knows-what had happened!
- Great. And now you show up to bug me!

I must admit, it sounds apocalyptic.

Yes, and that's how I felt!


It's nice you're here.

Great car.

I flew out here
and drove like a lunatic.


Now pack your things, we're leaving.
- Have the amoeba-brains left?

Now look here, I don't want
any more of your lip, get it?

One-night stand, my foot!
Why didn't you tell me

you'd been together for two months?
Two months and two days, to be exact.

Why did you tell her
I was a one-night stand?

Because I didn't want to remember.
Where are your things?

What's that?

We haven't given him a name yet.
Maybe you can think of one.

You're all totally insane.

Please put her things in my car.
- Mum

Mum, everything's alright!

I can see that. You look like a hobo, you
share a pile of junk with a scraggy ram,

you're having your period and I'm not
even asking where you wash yourself.

Get into the car.

I knew this would end in chaos.
- You're creating the chaos.

You have been doing so for 12 years.

How could you not tell me about my child?

It would've ended in drama and tears.
- Or with a dad who's there for her.

Would you have given up
your oh-so-valuable freedom for her?

It would've been my decision.

A predictable decision
against a stifling, snobby world.

You could've left that world, too,
for my sake.

I'm leaving.

Help me with that stupid case!
- No, Julia, no.

You won't get rid of me so easily
this time. Mai needs me.

And I want to be there for her.

Okay, if that's what she wants,
she can stay with you.

I'll have failed as a mother. Fine!
- No one said so.

Mum, I don't want to leave you.
I want you both.

Let us complete our trip. I'll bring her
back to you alive and well.

And then you and I
can sort everything else out.


Fancy hairdo.

Then take care, you two.
Have fun, yeah? But not too much.

Don't you want to come along? Now that
we're all together? The three of us?

This isn't my thing.

Still isn't.


Do you happen to have some petrol?

A spare can?

Your mother really is
something very special.

How did you meet?

I was in a band.

We played our own stuff, some covers.
We weren't half bad.

And we had a gig at this party.

Your mother was the princess.
The opera singer from a good home.

She was just stunning.

Then you conceived me
and she was no longer stunning?

What's wrong?

Why didn't you risk
anything more for me back then?

Back then I didn't know
what was really important. I do now.

Since Mai's been with me.

Our daughter's simply

simply fabulous.

Come here!

Take care, you two.

Drive safe.

See you soon.

Hop! Go on, Hop!
If you hop, it's less cold. Go on, hop!



You've got my feet. I think so.

Come on.

Shit, shit, shit, shit!

That stinking ram is gone. Gone!


Can you see anything?



Oh, man. Crap.

What am I going to do?

Damn it.

Damn it.


It's gone. I don't believe it.

If it's really gone

Look at this.
- What?


Now what?

If I go there, he'll run.

Or he'll slip,
break his legs, or fall into the sea

Don't do anything stupid, old boy!

It can't understand you. It's cu sheep!

Keep singing.

We did it! Sheep, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

My dad is Elvis.
- Did you just say "dad"?

Say it again.



Sounds good.

Come on.



I've missed you.

I've missed you, too.

Take care, sheep.
He still doesn't have a name.

Whom do you mean? Elvis?



For our daughters