Stroke of Luck (2022) - full transcript
Young Nathan has pulled a damaging prank at his school in the city and is sent to his father's farm to work it off. But Nathan finds much more than he bargained for when he gets there, including Sarah, a very charming, independent farm hand, a bizarre crime ring, and a horse that only he can hear talk. Cameo by John Popper - lead singer of the band Blues Traveler. Directed and co-authored by first-time feature filmmaker, Christian Frelinghuysen. Produced by Mark Farrell (Curb Your Enthusiasm, Z Rock). Shot entirely in the Berkshires of Western Massachusetts. [Coming-of-Age Comedy]
- Well?
- It's astounding.
A near perfect match.
Are you sure?
According
to this thermal ion proton
DNA RNA sequencer,
this semen sample definitely
is a descendant of Secretariat,
the greatest
racehorse of all time.
Excellent.
- Excellent.
- Congratulations, your honour.
Why do you keep
calling me that?
He said that you are a judge.
Not a judge, you nitwit.
The Judge.
The say what now?
I'm Ozzy Judginsky,
the judge.
You know, the singer?
The one that pissed
on the Alamo in Texas?
What? No, that's Ozzy Osbourne.
That's the other Ozzy.
I'm from the 90's band,
Alien Heart Attack?
Oh, right, of course.
That's amazing. Big fan.
- Huge fan.
- Name one Alien Heart Attack
song, and you can't say
Fudge Cloud because that's
the one everybody knows.
Hey, sorry, top 40 kinda gal.
Gotta go with Fudge Clown.
Fudge Cloud, not clown. Jesus.
It's not about
a gay circus performer.
Anyway, congratulations
on the amazing horse semen.
Thank you. You do know
what this means, don't you?
Yes, indeed, it means Bens
and I didn't waste our
evening jerking off a donkey.
I told you not to hire them.
Those two idiots are the worst
muscle men in the business.
Seriously,
who hires a bodyguard
with
a crippling lisp?
Hey, hey, hey.
Now, a speech impediment
can make a man grow tough.
I've known Bobby Q since
before the Earth was flat,
and he makes up for
that lisp in other departments.
Punch a hole
through that wall, Bobby.
Aw, shit.
Okay, there's no hole, but he
punched without question.
Your Bens is loyal to you?
Well, they yanked off that
pony without any complaints.
That little fatherly support
wouldn't be too much to ask.
Are you going
to tell us what's going on,
because I'm still confused.
Okay,
that lisp is a little annoying.
What it means
is that I was 100% correct.
That horse is a fucking gold
mine and nobody has a clue.
Hold it,
you just happened to find
the stallion whose
grand sire was Secretariat?
I can always smell
out quality horse flesh.
That, and write catchy
pop tunes that involve dessert
- toppings and the weather.
- Yes, indeed.
And now my plan
comes to fruition.
We're going to illegally
harvest this magical horse
semen and sell
it to the highest echelons
of the equine universe.
Oh, so it's just
a get-rich-quick scheme. Sad.
Did you blow all your rock
star money back in the day?
Hell no,
I'm a millionaire, lady.
But I sunk all of my
money into this scheme,
and when I sell
that sweet white gold,
I'm going to be
a goddamn billionaire.
What the fuck
are you guys laughing at?
I'm going to be
the goddamn billionaire.
You'll still
be working for scale.
Huh.
Stink bombs, really?
Mom, I can't
talk about this again.
One year left, and you had
to go and throw it all away?
Don't be dramatic. I'm still
finishing senior year, just...
- Gonna be at an online school.
- Oh, an online school. Perfect.
Your future employers
are going to love that.
I just hope working at your
dad's is going to instill some
- responsibility in you.
- That's not fair.
Yeah, well, life's not fair.
Welcome to adulthood.
- Fuck this.
- Look.
I know your dad's not your
favorite person right now.
He left us for a farm.
Pretty sure 'not
my favorite person'
would be
the understatement of the year.
Local authorities
are still investigating
a spade of horse farm
disturbances believed
to be linked to an illegal
horse semen smuggling ring.
- If anyone has inf...
- What kind of freak town
are you leaving me in?
Hey, you seem to love hijinks.
Why don't you help
the police find the culprit?
Ugh, this is going to be
the worst week of my life.
Hey, I love you.
Oh, gross.
Hi, guys.
Yes, hi, and bye. A little
too much nature round here.
Nice to see you again,
Cassandra.
Nate, behave yourself.
- Glad you decided to come up.
- Trust me, wasn't my choice.
There's literally
shit right there.
Ah, that's horse poop.
And I'd get used to it, kiddo.
I sure did.
Thought this farm would
be more of a shack.
It's...
beautiful, isn't it?
Not really my scene,
but I guess some
people would say it's... nice.
- That's a nice camera.
- Thanks.
Won it in a school
photo competish.
- Who's that?
- Chaz Mollar.
Devon, my guy.
Chaz.
This is my son, Nathan.
Great.
So, where's my dad's cheque?
- Who's your dad?
- The farm's landlord.
I didn't think you'd be by
today, you were supposed to,
what,
stop over a few hours ago?
Yeah, well,
it was leg day the gym.
Sculpted calves
don't come for free. Right?
- Cheque.
- I'll get your dad's cheque.
Wanna... the bag?
Yeah, I didn't
know Kev had a kid.
Didn't know the farm
had a landlord.
Oh, your grandfather,
gambled it away before he died.
Yeah,
it's pretty sad if you ask me.
Whatever.
- I hate farms.
- Me too.
You from the city?
- Yeah.
- Yo, no bullshit...
I got those same shoes.
- Hmm.
- Here.
Nice meetin' ya.
Hi dad. I told you never
to call me Cornelius.
- I'm Chaz now.
- His name's... Cornelius?
Yeah, no,
Gucci wants a persona.
You know,
you guys look like
you're in
a Brawny paper towel ad.
- Bye.
- God, I hate that kid.
Let's get you settled in.
Great.
Um, Dad?
Was grandpa a gambler?
What? No.
- Why would you even ask that?
- That's what Chaz said.
Don't listen to anything
that he has to say.
Then why are you
giving them cheques?
Um, tax reasons.
It's really too
complicated to explain.
- Don't you just love that air?
- It's air.
No, that's air air.
- Not that polluted city crap.
- Huh.
And this is Sarah.
She has been a life saver,
helping me with the horses.
- You're Nathan, yeah?
- Mhm.
Your dad can't shut up about
you, dude fucking loves you.
Hey, what'd I say?
Excuse me, your dad seems to
think that my swearing around
the horses will give
them some sort of complex.
Yeah, 'cause it does.
All right, well, I better
finish this guy's ride.
- Let's fuckin' go.
- Sarah!
That's the bed.
Fuck you.
- Fucking horses? What do you...
- Hey, kiddo.
Hey, Kevin.
You, uh, talking to yourself?
I mean, I used
to talk to myself too.
I wasn't talking to myself.
Okay.
Hey you know, you can,
you can do all that later.
Come with me.
I've got some, uh,
very important people
for you to meet. Come on.
Now, come here, come here,
come here, come here.
- These are horses, not people.
- Hah, these are my babies.
Nate, come here. I want
you to meet someone special.
Again, a horse, not a someone.
Wait, is there a photo
of him in my room?
Good spotting.
This is Fritz.
He's one of our finest.
But, he's been
a little off lately.
How can a horse be off?
You can just feel it.
I, I brought you up here 'cause
I was hoping, uh, maybe
you could help him out.
Bring a fresh
energy to the place.
Horses aren't really my thing.
Come on, kiddo.
Don't be scared now.
I'm not... scared.
- There you go.
- Okay. Exhilarating.
Okay.
Nate, come on,
I want you to meet the others.
- Bitch.
- Did you...?
Nathan, have you ever used
one of these before?
Um, no, I don't like horses.
Or people that like horses.
No offence.
I...
Hi.
Wow, that's...
a lot, but I'm sure that we
can come to some
kind of agreement.
My barn, my rules.
Oh my...
Oh, this is my
fucking favorite pair.
You okay?
Shit.
Hey, Sarah.
- Hey.
- There you are.
Would you be sure you,
uh, do his legs up tonight?
- He worked hard today.
- Sure.
Thanks.
Looks like you're going
to need some new boots.
- Not really my style.
- Huh.
Are you, uh, Kevin's kid?
That's me.
Have you, uh, been
out to see the farm?
- It's a farm.
- Ha, really?
Well, maybe you should, ah,
get Sarah to take you out
for a drive in the golf
cart and show you around.
But, uh, careful.
She drives pretty fast.
Woo!
Oh, God.
Jesus.
Whoa.
- What?
- N-Nothing.
Never seen a girl
with a gun before?
- Never seen a gun before?
- Aw, city boy.
Here.
Earplugs? Seriously?
What am I, 80?
Suit yourself.
Gonna need
those glasses, though.
Wait.
Uh.
Just gonna...
Yeah, what was that you
were saying about earplugs?
What?
Uh...
There's
a, flock of, flock of geese.
There's a pigeon. Somewhere.
What's the matter with you?
So, where did
you two sneak off to?
Took him to the range.
- Did you hit it?
- Yep.
- Huh?
Did you hit it?
Did you hit one of the targets?
Oh.
Right. No, no, I didn't.
Ready to start work tomorrow?
Not really.
Let me guess, city boy's
never had a real job.
Yes.
Does selling Adderall count?
It was a joke.
I wasn't joking.
It's, uh, good to work
with your hands, you know?
Insert yourself. Get dirty.
- Yeah.
- Something funny?
No.
Can't wait to insert myself.
Put in a good hard day's work.
- Real hard.
- Yeah.
Bi-ii-tch.
Oh, Sarah.
Oh my god.
Yeah, fuck yeah.
- What?
- Time to get up.
The farm waits for no one.
Not much of a morning person.
Oh.
Looks like you've
already gotten up.
Um...
That's just a design
flaw in the sheets.
Wow, you're a terrible liar.
Time to get cracking, city boy.
Seriously?
It'd probably help if you pour
the coffee, then drink it.
Thanks for the tip.
Oh, I see Sarah
got you up this morning.
Oh, he had no
problem getting up.
That's my boy, fitting
right into the farm life.
- Really pull it.
- I'm using all my body weight.
All right, well that's sad.
Just, try again.
You know what, just give
it to me. Give it to me.
I think there might, might
be something broken on there.
Uh, my arms
are tired from last night.
I was-I wasn't jerking off,
I was-I was doing push-ups.
There's so much shit.
Shit!
Fucking...
shit all in it.
- Shit!
- It's all about
the rhythm, and make sure you
use your knees when you lift
or else you'll have one hell
of a backache tomorrow.
- I got this.
- Woah, woah woah.
Yo, Scary!
Busted bail, busted bail.
What's going on?
Grab the pitchfork.
- Take it down, first.
- Okay, alright.
I got it, I got it.
Are you sure?
Yeah, it's easy.
I could do this all day.
Shit!
What the hell?
Uh, does that like,
happen sometimes?
- Uh, nope.
- This is not good.
Keep up,
you're burning daylight.
Okay, okay, God.
Sorry about the hay
stuff or whatever.
"Or whatever?"
- Are you serious right now?
- It was an accident.
An expensive accident
that I can't afford to cover.
You know, you've got
to grow up sometime, Nathan.
- You can't be a kid forever.
- Grow up?
I'm not the one running
around playing Peter Pan.
You left mom
and I for a stupid farm.
Uh, there's far more
to it than you know.
Screw you.
Hey, don't talk to your
dad like that.
You mean the dad I haven't
seen in over a year?
I have invited you
up here so many times.
Excuse me if I didn't want
to visit my deadbeat dad
- ...and a bunch of horseshit.
- Nat-Nathan.
You're way off the mark.
Fuck. You.
- You know what?
- What?
I would have thought
you'd have at least matured
a little bit by now.
But I can see you're,
you're still the same.
It's high time
you took accountability.
You're going have
to pay for that baler incident.
That's at least
a month's worth of work.
I was only supposed
to be for a week.
- I can't be here for a month.
- Why not?
You are expelled.
It's not like you
have a classroom to be in.
I have online school.
And that's the beauty
of online school.
You can take it anywhere,
even your deadbeat dad's farm.
Uh, I'll be so bored.
You uh, can't be bored...
if you're busy.
Don't worry.
There's plenty of poop
with your name on it.
Oh, what do they eat?
This is shit. I hate this shit.
So much shit in here.
Kevin's a piece of shit.
So much horseshit.
Oh, this is too much.
Fuck!
- Woah, shit.
- Literally.
Hey, I'm more of a tulips guy,
but, I'll take 'em.
You wish. Seen Sarah?
Nah, man. Been shoveling
shit for the past few hours.
- Why?
- I'm trying to win her back.
Win her back?
Yeah, we dated,
but she couldn't handle
the Chaz lifestyle, so.
What's the Chaz lifestyle?
Pfft, oh man.
♪ More
intense than Alcatraz ♪
♪ That's what
it's like to be around Chaz ♪
Damn, that was good.
Oh, I gotta write that down.
- Sounded... great. Yeah.
- Right, that was good, huh?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
So, um...
How long did
you and Sarah date?
Like, two years,
something dumb.
Yeah, what
are you doing tonight?
Uh...
My friend's on a fucking
cleanse so he can't drink.
- I need someone fun.
- Maaa...
Hey, you
still shoveling out there?
Unless if you wanna hang
around with your loser ass dad.
- I guess so.
- Talk to me.
Yeah, Dad, just get her like
a doll house and a Mercedes.
She should be fine, she's
eight. That's a perfect gift.
And can you do something about
these horses, I think they're
making me allergic...
- What?
- Loser.
Shut up.
- Hilarious.
- Loser.
Thanks for
the vote of confidence.
Anytime.
- Nice roses.
- Oh, yeah.
Let me guess. Chaz?
Who else would get
such a ridiculous bouquet?
You know, we're surrounded
by such beautiful wildflowers.
I don't want
a store bought bouquet.
All I want
is for someone to treat me well
and pick wildflowers
they think I might like.
Why do I think
that this has to do
with more than just flowers?
- Yeah, well, after what he did?
- Oh, yeah, I get it.
So, any news on the baler?
$12,000 to fix the damn thing.
I told Nathan that he's going
to have to help pay for it,
but even a month
of his working here
is not gonna put
a dent in that cost.
Nathan's going
to be here longer?
Yeah.
I just, I can't wrap my head
around why he would do it.
- What was he trying to prove?
- I don't know.
I wish that kid had
an ounce of your diligence.
Sarah, you are
a credit to your parents.
Nathan, on the other hand...
What a dick.
What the fuck?
He's got a good heart.
He's just... a troublemaker.
Well, I better
steer clear of him.
Apparently, I'm
a sucker for trouble makers.
You're my kind
scientist, lady.
Go for Judge.
I can't hear you.
You sound like you're
either at a redneck bar,
or a Bob Seger concert.
- Yes, I see.
- Yeah, you'd better see.
You better fucking see,
you better fucking see Nathan,
and you better keep fucking
seeing him until we can figure
out whether or not
he's a problem
or else I'm going to shove
one harmonica up your ass
and the other
down your throat,
and you're going to
harmonize in the middle, son.
Oh heavens, no, we
certainly don't want that.
Rest assured
you have our full support.
- Don't you worry one gummy bear.
- Gummy bears?
This might not be
politically correct,
but are you fucking
retarded, boy?
I'm talking about billions
of dollars of jail time,
and you're talking about
motherfucking gummy bears?
I agree.
I shouldn't have said that.
Let me try and explain
something to you.
This is about trickling down,
and some of this might
trickle down to you.
But if I get busted,
the only trickling down is
going to be when your cellmate
pisses in your face,
is that clear enough for you?
Oh, speak of the devil.
The dove has entered the coop.
Just forget about
the fucking codes
and see if that kid's
going to be a problem.
Hey, can I get...
Hello, I'm standing,
I'm literally right here.
You know, it's so easy
to make a child,
- but so difficult to raise one.
- Mmm.
Especially when you deny
their existence.
So, is that dress button
or snap because you've got
a couple of hematomas,
they're just begging
for a mouth biopsy.
I guess this is going
to happen in a bar...
What would you like?
Uh, I'm sorry, what?
To sip.
Um...
A beer?
- Birch Admiral.
- One Birch's brew.
Quick service.
Oh, don't be silly.
Put that away.
The name's Orwell,
Orwell Spunk. And you are?
Uh...
- Nathan.
- Nathaniel...
have you heard
any funny business
- regarding horses?
- What?
- Any stallion shenanigans?
- Huh?
Then you haven't.
you know nothing.
Just as I expected.
Hey, what's
happening right now?
Forget this face.
Okay, thanks
for the drink, man.
Nathan. Shots?
Hey, Chaz.
Did you see that guy?
Oh, the Ring Pop guy?
Yeah, no, we call him
the Velveteen Rabbit.
Here, come over to Zach.
Shots, shots, shots.
You go, lightweight.
Cheers.
You're an embarrassment.
Put that away. Ha ha, cheers.
Ugh. I miss Sarah.
We had our first kiss here.
What happened between you two?
It was a
miscommunication, that's all.
He got banned
from Crown Liquors for life.
What?
Hey, I got to take
this call. Hello?
- This is Chaz.
- That's not your phone.
Who do you think this is?
I know what my phone is.
Good day.
Oh shit, this isn't my phone.
Dude, we gotta go
to the liquor s-store.
We gotta get booze, man.
Chaz,
we're at the liquor store.
Aw, shit. That's, that's
Sarah's stepmom dude.
That's-yeah.
Dude, I know they're
not related,
but they have like,
the same butt, right?
Yeah, they totally do.
Check this out.
Cha... No, Chaz, no.
Hey, baby. How you doin'?
Oof.
- Chaz?
- Hi, Mrs. Proctor, how are you?
Turn that thing off.
- That's pretty fucked up.
- Whatever. All right.
I'm, I'm a very talented
singer songwriter.
Everybody wants me,
so I'll be fine.
Bury me in Fireball!
Oh, shit.
Good morning,
Western Massachusetts.
It's another beautiful fall
day here in the Berkshires,
clear and breezy
with a high of 61.
Oh, that foliage
is sure beautiful.
Hey, Nathan.
I, uh, I wanted
to apologize for yesterday.
I know that things
have been bad, but...
I shouldn't have said some
of the things that I said.
Nathan.
Nathan.
Nathan.
Nathan, come on. Nat...
Teenagers.
- He'll come around.
- Hey, buddy,
we're gonna need your
special fecal matter skills.
Are you trying to get
him to love you or hate you?
What? Well, no,
I just think he needs
- to learn a lesson in humility.
- Well, not that way.
You know, I'm gonna have to
write down your little pearls
- of wisdom someday, Mary.
- Oh, okay.
Okay, well, I would
try something nicer.
Like, let's go for a ride.
and you can help us.
Picking up shit is not
the first lesson for him.
Then get down off his
high horse. Forgive the pun.
You're the dad.
How you
doin' back there, kiddo?
I don't know how
I can afford it all.
The rent, the conveyor
incident. It's too much.
You'll figure it out.
You always do.
I don't know about this time,
Mary. I'm losing the farm.
I'm at odds with my son. He
hates it here and he hates me.
You can't treat him like
a child and expect him
- to act like an adult.
- What am I supposed to do?
Give him a little freedom.
- Does he ride?
- No,
I, uh, wanted to teach
him to ride Fritz,
but he's made it pretty clear
he wants nothing to do with me.
Don't be such a sad sack.
How about having Sarah teach
him how to ride? He likes her.
It would be fun.
He might feel accomplished.
Be good for him.
What are you looking for?
His bridle.
I could have sworn
I put it over here earlier.
Floor. Floor.
Is this it?
That's weird.
I would have never put a
bridle on the floor like that.
Hey, wimp. Wimp.
Hey, buddy.
Scared of the big bad horse?
No.
Come on.
It's easy.
Tell you what.
You ride me, I'll ride you.
Not so scary, huh?
How are you feeling?
Who, me? Easy breezy.
Nathan, don't lie to me.
- What a pussy.
- I may be a tinge stressed out
the 2000 pound
animal in front of me.
Pfft.
You're gonna be fine.
- Pussy.
- Shh.
Did you just shush me?
No, I, talk to myself
sometimes.
Honestly, I talk
to myself too, sometimes.
Horses are just like people.
They can be a little
tricky to read.
See, he looks totally calm,
but internally
he's freaking out.
Hey!
He's just
not used to you yet.
Just like
you're not used to him.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
It's okay. It's okay, Fritz.
He's been
a little off recently.
Try to ride him another day.
Bye, pussy.
- Oh hey, buddy.
- Hi.
Where are you headed?
Um, uh,
Mary, set me
up on a blind date.
Oh.
- Have a really nice time.
- If you want to talk about it...
- Nope! Not at all.
- Look, Nath...
Hey, city, boy. Want
to go to the shooting range?
Nah, I'm good.
You can blow off some steam.
Come on.
Alright, fine. I'm coming.
- You're what?
- I'm coming.
- What?
- I'm com...
I'll be there
in a few minutes.
Shake a leg. Sun's going down.
- Shake a leg?
- Means chop chop, city boy.
Uh oh, I get
to drive the cart. It's cool.
Oh, don't, don't, don't move.
Wait right there.
- What, no. The sun's setting.
- You look...
I need a photo.
Thank you.
Could you...
um...
send that to me so
I can share it?
No one ever
really takes my photo.
That's absolutely their loss.
What's that?
Cicadas. Beautiful, huh?
Can I ask you something?
Does my dad
go on a lot of dates?
Never.
- Why?
- He's going on one tonight.
Really?
I mean, he's an adult,
he can do what he wants, but...
he skipped out on my mom
and I, like hardcore.
It's dumb.
It doesn't even matter.
I didn't know that.
He told me a different story.
Well, I guess we tell the
stories we want to believe,
and if we tell
them enough times,
then maybe
they start to be true.
- You need a party.
- Huh?
A massive distraction.
You can't run from the truth,
but you certainly can drown it.
- Drown it?
- In whisky.
Or tequila.
Your prerogative.
Where are we
gonna find a party?
Say your dad
was going out tonight...
Oh!
I'll make some calls.
Would you like to hear
about our little scheme?
I've been waiting
for about an hour.
It takes those two
longer to get dressed,
than it took Ms. Tran
to bleach my asshole.
'Course, my asshole hair
is so fine that it really
doesn't take that long,
but it sure stings a lot.
Well, the Bens are going to
infiltrate the party
dressed as douchebags,
so they will transform
from bodyguard Bens
to frat boy Kens.
Watch the rhyming, son.
That's my gig.
Don't be mad, Dad,
even a tad.
I'm the poet in this family.
♪ Chocolate raisins in the sky
if everybody starts to cry ♪
I wrote that and it won
a fucking Grammy, so suck it.
Oh,
you're out of massage oils.
Weren't you the scientist lady?
Yes, so Natalia's
my girlfriend now.
Mm-hmm! Muah.
Wah, ooh wah, wah, coo.
That's nice, just a tad
surprised how she went
from MIT meek
to strip club chic.
Rhyming!
There is literally
zero massage oil.
Kostya.
It's Natalia's brother.
Apparently,
Russia is a very sexy place.
I like the way you talk.
Would you like orgy?
No, no,
Bobby Q doesn't orgy.
He watches
my back while I orgy.
Mmm...
Now let's
get this wildly erotic,
deeply taboo, and possibly
illegal game play underway.
Oh, oh, oh oh.
Hey... oh!
This sort of thing can
emotionally scar a poor boy.
- Oh, man.
- I've got oil in my bedroom.
Kids, why don't you
wait in daddy's room?
He has a little
business to attend to.
Okay, daddy.
Ah, so the incestuous Russian
sex toys get to call you daddy.
Grow the fuck up.
That's rock and roll.
You need to worry
about those Ben idiots
- covering that Nathan kid.
- Fret not.
They'll keep a close eye
on him at the party.
It might be advantageous
to bring him into the fold.
I see your point.
Okay. Shoot your shot.
But if he doesn't go
along with it,
shoot your shot for real.
You get what I'm saying?
Yes.
Do you really
know what I'm saying?
If I ask
and he says no,
I should ask again with
a very intimidating manner.
If you ask and he says no,
you should kill him.
- Really?
- Dead.
Wow, quite the extreme
measures to be taken,
but I'm on it.
In fact,
I'm quite prepared.
I'll be the man for the job.
That's not a gun.
That's a gun, son.
We're trying to kill him,
not tickle his balls.
Yes, good god.
Well...
Very well, then.
Okay, I'll just put
that back there for now.
What do you think
about this, Bobby?
Orwell's right.
We're looking good.
We've harvested more
of the horse product.
Setting up
bidders online.
By this time next week,
you'll be richer than sin.
Ah, yeah.
Wanna do a bump?
No, thanks.
I don't do the cocaine.
This ain't cocaine.
This is vitamin B12.
Ah, fuck Viagra.
That shit gets you harder
than Portuguese trigonometry.
Grease up, kids.
Daddy's coming.
Later, Bobby.
Oh, man...
that is one seriously psycho,
freaky-deaky rock star.
Bottoms up.
Oh, my god.
Is that nail polish remover?
No,
just shitty moonshine.
Shitty being
the operative word.
Party's arrived.
Absolutely not.
Who the fuck invited you?
Well, it's a party. Of course
Chaz is going to be here.
Baby...
Hey, I want you back.
Chaz... this may come
as a surprise to you,
but I don't want you back.
But as my dad always says,
I'm the best.
Yeah, look at that girl over
there: she's pining after me.
Nah, man, I'm good.
I'm actually gay.
Yes, she is,
twinkle toes.
A bad example because she
doesn't even like guys.
I like guys
and I would never do you.
And I would never
even date you either,
because I have a strict
no redheads policy.
- Dude, she's blonde.
- Wait, she's what?
Whatever.
Look, Chaz, the reason no
one wants to date you
is because
you're a massive twat.
But I have a maid.
Precisely.
Okay, this party's pathetic.
Let's bounce.
I don't, I don't even know why
I dated you in the first place.
You're not exactly
Soho House material.
What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?
That I momentarily
let my standards drop
- when I dated you.
- You can fuck off, Chaz.
Always such a dick.
I don't know why
I let him get under my skin.
- Cha-Chaz.
- What?
I, I'd date you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Thanks, Zac.
That means a lot.
They were totally
wrong about you.
- They were.
- Yeah.
- I'm hot, huh?
- Totally.
Remember,
blue is the warmest colour.
You know what
you remind me of?
- What?
- Myself.
Hey, miss.
Would you like some free drugs?
- I'll take care of 'em.
- What?
You have to be more casual.
Looks like you need a refill.
Aw, thanks.
Your presence
has been summoned.
What?
He said your presence
has been summoned.
- Do you have the wrong guy?
- You are the Nathan.
Yeah?
Guess you
do have the right guy.
Then we shall see you tomorrow.
No, thanks.
Nathan, Nathan, Nathan.
You'll want to come by.
We just want to talk.
Remember, Nathan,
we know where you live.
- Okay?
- Jesus.
Watch where you're going.
- Hey, I'm sorry.
- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
- I'm not mad.
- You're not?
No,
I want you to have fun.
Your being responsible doesn't
mean not having any fun.
I want you to not
hate the fun, really.
Kevin!
We missed you.
Woah...
- No, thank you.
- Probably for the best.
Tastes like garbage.
Well, uh,
you two enjoy yourselves.
But... be ready
for work in the morning.
Ay, ay, captain.
Sweet.
Good boy.
What the fuck?
The lock is cut.
Oh, you're up, uh, early.
Yeah, I know there's work
to be done, and all that.
So...
...how was your date?
No one, uh, no one
really compares to your mother.
- What's with the papers?
- Oh, uh...
I'm just looking over some
financial stuff.
Oh.
How's it looking?
Not good.
- I'm sorry about the baler...
- Hey, hey, hey.
I know you are.
Thanks, kiddo.
Uh,
anything I can do to help?
Not at the moment, unless you
have some that Adderall
laying around that'd be...
hey, hey. That's a joke.
But in the meantime,
the composter
- could use turning over.
- No shit?
No shit.
- Hmm, hey, Loser.
- Oh, what are you guys doing?
Just trying
to give Fritz a little lovin'.
I don't know
what's going on with him.
Poor little guy.
Alright, Fritz.
God, I'm so hungover.
All I want
is Betty's pizza
with that...
cheesy, yummy goodness.
Uh, wanna like, go later?
To Betty's?
Yeah, I mean,
you said you wanted to go, so...
Nathaniel, are you asking
me out on a date?
If I were,
would you say yes?
Mm-hmm.
- Betty's then?
- It's a date, city boy.
Two losers.
Yes.
It's beautiful.
Excellent.
100 percent Grade A.
Hello?
Someone is waiting,
you imbecile.
And change your shirt,
as we discussed.
Welcome to the smoke shop.
That's all we sell here.
We're chill people.
Come on in.
- Come on, bro. Come on.
- Okay.
Sick shop.
Oh, you haven't
seen anything yet.
I'm not going
to kiss your hand.
Come with me.
Scared to take my hand?
I'm allergic to latex.
Hm. Must be convenient...
for a virgin.
I'm not a vir...
Shit. Lotta cash.
Oh, this doesn't exist.
I...
- It's right there.
- None of this is real.
Ben, you are an utter
embarrassment.
Nathaniel,
pay him no mind.
I believe he was dropped
on his head as a child.
Perhaps on multiple occasions.
Come with me,
my boy, please.
- Oh, my god.
- Ooh, you have soft shoulders.
I, I don't, yeah.
What are those?
Liquid gold, my boy.
Liquid gold.
Mined from the shaft
with my bare hands.
What's liquid gold?
Horse semen
is no laughing matter.
You're seriously the worst.
- What's in there?
- 69, 69.
That's the code
that he assigned.
69, 69. That's the code
that he assigned.
Enough of your
childish rhymes, Ben.
Okay...
Just uh, joking with our
house comic Ben, here.
Where do you think
you're going?
I have plans.
We all know it's a date.
You can say it.
Look, I don't know what kind
of weird ass operation
- you have going on here...
- Weird ass?
It's actually an incredible,
wonderful operation
we're running here.
We were going to invite you
to join,
but never mind.
Well, I definitely
don't want any part of it.
We definitely don't
want any part of you.
- Well, then we're in agreement.
- Fine.
Oh!
Say hello
to your horsey friend for us.
I'm gonna...
- Okay.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, bro.
Have a wonderful date,
Nate.
Spare key. Hmm.
Hmm...
See, it doesn't work with Coke.
It has to be a milkshake.
- Well, I'm lactose intolerant.
- God, that's hot.
What,
that I'm lactose intolerant?
Say it again.
I'm lactose intolerant.
Fuck.
I, um...
Hey do you know a guy named...
what's his name,
Orwell?
Doesn't ring a bell.
He has these um,
Ring Pops on his hand.
He tried to make me suck it.
What?
- His Ring Pop.
- Oh, oh, okay.
Not, not his penis.
- I just wanna make that clear.
- Noted.
Hey,
are you cool with my dad?
Yeah, why?
I don't know,
he just gets on me a lot.
Well, yeah, you don't know
what the fuck you're doing.
Yeah, my life's kind of,
kind of messed up.
Well, I just meant at the farm.
I didn't mean...
Oh.
Yeah, still.
You should try to hang out with
him. He's pretty chill.
I kind of feel
bad for that baler.
Yeah, that was pretty bad.
You saw
my muscles though, right?
Your... muscles?
Yeah, those.
Those I saw.
- Are you cold?
- A little bit.
Well, well, well,
what the frick do we have here?
Yo, Chaz.
Don't you "Yo, Chaz" me,
and get your hands
away from my girl.
- Your girl?
- Yeah, get him, Chaz.
- Oh, I will.
- So you're spying on me now?
I came to serenade you.
No one wants to hear that.
Let's go.
Okay, so you're ditching me
for the Virgin Mary now?
- Chaz, you're pathetic.
- Look, baby girl, baby girl.
Look, you could be
making sweet, sweet love
- to a Gucci model right now.
- Yeah, right.
Yeah, that's right. I got paid
for a Gucci shoot next week.
I'm going to be making bank.
Gucci bank.
Good for you, Chaz.
What...
Sarah, we make sense together.
No, we really, really don't.
Baby, please.
- I wrote you this song.
- Oh, my God...
♪ Sarah,
I know it's hard. ♪
♪ When I'm looking
at you so very hard. ♪
♪ When you cook me
breakfast, I've ♪
What, I was
about to hit the chorus, dude.
- You'll sing it for me later.
- Uh, thanks for the song,
but we're going to
get out of here, so...
Sarah and I have a destiny.
She's mine.
I don't belong to anyone.
Yeah, what are you,
Ted Bundy or something?
Okay, you want a fight?
Fine. You got one.
- Take the first swing.
- I don't want to fight.
You're just
a little bitch just like
- your dad and your grandpa.
- Hey!
- What did you say?
- Yeah, that's right.
Your gamblin' ass
grandpa couldn't hold on
to the farm,
and neither will your daddy.
What are you talking about?
Oh, you don't know,
do you?
My dad just got a call
from developers today.
They want to buy
the farm and tear it down.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah, that's right.
My dad's
meeting with them tomorrow.
So listen, if your dad can come
up with the cash before then...
Oh, oh did I make you upset?
He's just a little bi...
- Chaz! No!
- I'm okay.
Oh, my god, I think
I got a rock in my eye.
Can you look in my eye?
It's really,
- I don't think it's... ah!
- The fuck!?
What am I gonna
do with my Insta story?
God, he's such an asshole.
Yeah.
He never deserved you.
- I really like you, Sarah.
- Oh, yeah?
I like you, too.
When are we going
to do about the farm?
I don't know.
I can speak to my dad.
Woah, kiddo. You okay?
Speak of the devil.
Yeah, I'm okay.
What, uh, what happened
to your nose?
Got hit by
a wannabe Gucci model.
Are you
uh, care to elaborate?
Not really.
I'm going to
go grab some air.
What really
happened to your nose?
You're stupid.
Dad, I got to know the truth
about the farm, about grandpa.
Your grandfather
was a, was a complicated guy.
Then it's true,
he was a gambler.
It was a secret.
It was a big secret, really.
He, uh,
He had an addiction.
And one night
he lost a huge bet.
And he didn't have
the cash to cover it.
- So he had to give up the farm.
- You can't be serious.
Before he died, he made
me promise him that...
I'd buy the farm back.
So, uh...
that's what I have been doing.
Slowly paying it off
over the past few years.
- That's why you left mom and I.
- Yeah.
Why didn't you say so?
I didn't want to hurt
your grandfather's pride.
So why tell me now?
Because...
I thought it was more important
to tell the truth.
Dad, you're gonna
lose the farm.
Oh, hey, I mean, it's going
to be a little difficult to get
- over the baler incident...
- No, developers are buying it.
What?
Chaz told me.
His dad's
meeting them tomorrow.
And they're going to
tear it down.
You know, if you would have
told me you're going to
lose the farm a month ago
I wouldn't have cared.
Shit, I'd probably be happy.
But now, I can't help to think
that this is entirely my fault.
I mean, if I wasn't so stupid
with the baler...
Kiddo, kiddo, kiddo,
slow, slow down.
What are you doing here?
Look at my
beautiful boy's face.
You need to get control
of that little shit of yours.
- Alright John...
- How's he supposed to do his
- Gucci commercial next week?
- There he is, Dad.
You need to keep your
grubby little hands
off of my angel,
you hear me?
Alright, I think the name
calling is a bit excessive.
You know, your son is going
to end up just like you.
Broke, alone, and at the bottom
of the food chain.
No, I think it's time that you
get the fuck off my property.
- Your property?
- Yeah.
Ha...
You're not going
to get away with this.
Oh, I will.
I will.
He will.
Dad,
can you unlock the door?
God. There must be something
we're not thinking of.
Well, I'm all out of ideas.
Well, you clean up nice.
What? Oh, thanks.
Felt like a new shirt
would make me feel better.
I was really talking about
the bloodless face, but...
Ah, yeah.
That, too.
Woah, this is chill.
It's my favorite spot,
but I hardly ever
get down here because
I'm always so busy at the farm.
Well,
I definitely need the break.
I don't know
what's gonna happen...
No, no, no, no, no.
Tomorrow.
Tonight, we chill.
I know, right?
Check this out.
I was attacked by a bear.
Where was Zac
when I needed him? Huh, Zac?
Ugh, he's everywhere.
Let's just go down to the dock.
Put that away, it's gross.
What? It's just my dick.
- You okay?
- Yeah, sorry, he's just so...
goddamn annoying.
Thanks.
I'm really
sorry about the fight.
Yeah.
Hey, you like my dick, right?
It, uh...
was actually my birthday,
and we're supposed to have
a date that night,
but I guess he just...
forgot.
- Hey, birthday girl.
- Hey.
- Where's Chaz?
- Uh, he had to take care
of some business
for his dad.
He'll be here.
Uh huh.
Chaz. Hold on.
One second, Dad.
Chaz.
Are you drunk?
You're, you're not drunk?
Wait, wait, wait,
so let me get this straight.
You're calling me, on my
birthday, to tell me that
you just banged Missy
in the back of your car?
You know what?
Fuck you.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I just...
Hey, for the record,
no guy should ever treat
you like that.
Come on,
baby, you know I love you.
Oh, yeah right. Asshole.
I need a drink.
Hey just, ignore him.
Enjoy the high.
Thanks, Cowboy.
Cowboy? Really?
Can't help it, I'm sorry.
I guess this could really
be the end of my dad's farm.
Yeah.
Could be.
Liquid gold, my boy.
Minded from the shaft...
Horse semen is not
a laughing matter.
The answer's in the semen.
Oh, my God. Of course.
The answer's
always in the semen.
- The semen, that's it!
- Nate, are you alright?
For the first time in my life,
I've concocted a scheme
that's
not entirely self-serving.
When my dad left, I thought he
was a bad guy, but he wasn't.
He was trying to do
what he thought was right.
And I've come to realize that
it's not about being perfect,
it's about getting up every day
and at least fucking trying.
I'm not gonna lie to you,
I have no clue
if this plan is going to work.
It may very
well end up in flames.
But at least
we did something.
Well, I guess they can't blame
us for fucking trying.
Yep, here we go.
Shit,
it's right there.
I think I saw a side door.
I think you're right.
Oh, you're right.
Well, that was too easy.
I think the coast is clear.
Holy shit,
this place is too weird.
The cash is in the front.
Wait, wait, wait.
What the hell is that?
I don't know.
Looks like
it could be important.
Looks like it needs a code.
You're just full
of great tips, aren't you?
Actually,
I think I know it.
How on earth would you know it?
Some people can be so smart,
yet so, so dumb.
69 69.
What the fuck?
I think I know what this.
Oh, Shit.
You got this, Judge.
It's good
thing we used extra oil.
Okay. This isn't
going to be easy.
Right foot blueberry.
Aw, shit.
Ah.
Fuck. Code red!
Code red!
Alert! Alert!
What is it?
Shit, is it my boyfriend?
Wait, you have boyfriend?
My top secret horse semen
lair has been compromised,
which means law enforcement
is probably on their way.
So let's get the fuck
out of here.
I got warrants.
So what do we do now, sis?
Drop the sister act.
It's gross.
- So...
- Okay, well, what he said.
- Let's get the fuck outta here.
- Okay.
Okay, you guys take off.
I'll meet you at the
Great Barrington Holiday Inn.
I got the mat.
You take the spiny thing.
Go. Go, go, go, go.
Are you going to be okay?
Well, I'm wanted by
the law and I'm dead broke.
But I've got a song in my heart
and the music in my soul.
So long suckers.
I also got... this.
Five million dollars
of illegal horse semen.
- I forgot my keys.
- Ooh.
Prius, right?
Yes.
Yes.
Who dares steals
from my secret semen lair?
- Shit, the cops, too?
- Okay, actually?
I don't know if we're going
to get murdered or end up
in jail but I just wanted
to let you know,
I've had the best time
getting to know you.
Hope that's not the last time
I get to do that.
I have a feeling it won't be.
We know you're in there.
Come out with your hands
above your heads.
Fuck...
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.
- Nate, chill.
- Chill?
The police are outside and
there's a semen psycho in here
probably trying to kill us.
How am I supposed to chill?
So, don't hate me, but...
- I didn't trust your plan.
- Huh?
The police are sort
of our back up.
- You, you know them?
- Mm-hmm.
- We just go outside then, or...?
- Sure.
Alright, step out slowly with
your hands above your heads.
- Woah, what the fuck?
- Woah, woah. Stand down.
- Your stepmom's a cop?
- Oh, yeah.
- Can I put my hands down?
- Yes, you can.
- There they are.
- Freeze.
Those are the demons who tried
to steal my horse semen money.
Come here.
So, you're the sick
guy with the semen lair.
Even if I were,
you couldn't prove it.
There's literally
so much semen...
But you can't tie us directly
to it. We are innocent.
Ow, ow! Ow, ow!
Bennett, Barnes,
raid the place.
Yeah, you can go.
You can go.
Please, please. You guys don't
know how hard this work is.
I mean, a horse
like Fritz is literally...
Wait, what did
you just say?
- I said a horse like Fritz is...
- That's my dad's horse.
That's why he's
been acting off.
Wait a minute.
You're telling me
that all your semen money...
comes from your horse?
Fritz's semen is liquid gold.
You would've done
the same thing.
We just thought of it first.
- You are despicable.
- Hmm!
And you three
are a creepy looking trio.
There is so much cash in there.
And
there's a lot of test tubes
full of
what's most likely semen.
- Cuff 'em.
- Hey, hey, hey.
What the fuck is this?
Hey!
Fuck you!
Oh, God!
- Oh, man!
- Nathaniel.
I bought you
a delicious Berkshire brew
from Berkshire Brewing Company,
established in 1994.
25 years family owned,
and this is how you repay me?
Listen, I am so sorry
this happened to your family.
But you know,
if it's any consolation,
theoretically, all that cash
belongs to your father.
Looks like your dad's
not losing the farm.
Well, it is his
liquid gold, after all.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
Don't worry.
Where you boys are going,
there's going
to be a lot of semen.
Yo, fuck you!
Oh, I'm sorry
about everything, Fritzy.
You're going to get so many
apples and carrots,
you won't even know
what to do about it.
- My lady.
- Oh, brother.
Thank you,
they're beautiful.
Don't ever
call me m'lady again.
Yeah, it felt wrong.
I definitely won't.
Ready for some country livin'?
I mean,
I have the boots.
Nice.
I still can't believe
you called for backup.
I admired your passion,
but this case
was a little too important
to leave it up to chance.
Chance?
I had a solid plan.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Solid.
I kissed you, didn't I?
You don't remember
kissing me?
I may have blacked
out for a moment.
Remember now?
I may need
one more to reminder.
I'm gonna be sick
- It's astounding.
A near perfect match.
Are you sure?
According
to this thermal ion proton
DNA RNA sequencer,
this semen sample definitely
is a descendant of Secretariat,
the greatest
racehorse of all time.
Excellent.
- Excellent.
- Congratulations, your honour.
Why do you keep
calling me that?
He said that you are a judge.
Not a judge, you nitwit.
The Judge.
The say what now?
I'm Ozzy Judginsky,
the judge.
You know, the singer?
The one that pissed
on the Alamo in Texas?
What? No, that's Ozzy Osbourne.
That's the other Ozzy.
I'm from the 90's band,
Alien Heart Attack?
Oh, right, of course.
That's amazing. Big fan.
- Huge fan.
- Name one Alien Heart Attack
song, and you can't say
Fudge Cloud because that's
the one everybody knows.
Hey, sorry, top 40 kinda gal.
Gotta go with Fudge Clown.
Fudge Cloud, not clown. Jesus.
It's not about
a gay circus performer.
Anyway, congratulations
on the amazing horse semen.
Thank you. You do know
what this means, don't you?
Yes, indeed, it means Bens
and I didn't waste our
evening jerking off a donkey.
I told you not to hire them.
Those two idiots are the worst
muscle men in the business.
Seriously,
who hires a bodyguard
with
a crippling lisp?
Hey, hey, hey.
Now, a speech impediment
can make a man grow tough.
I've known Bobby Q since
before the Earth was flat,
and he makes up for
that lisp in other departments.
Punch a hole
through that wall, Bobby.
Aw, shit.
Okay, there's no hole, but he
punched without question.
Your Bens is loyal to you?
Well, they yanked off that
pony without any complaints.
That little fatherly support
wouldn't be too much to ask.
Are you going
to tell us what's going on,
because I'm still confused.
Okay,
that lisp is a little annoying.
What it means
is that I was 100% correct.
That horse is a fucking gold
mine and nobody has a clue.
Hold it,
you just happened to find
the stallion whose
grand sire was Secretariat?
I can always smell
out quality horse flesh.
That, and write catchy
pop tunes that involve dessert
- toppings and the weather.
- Yes, indeed.
And now my plan
comes to fruition.
We're going to illegally
harvest this magical horse
semen and sell
it to the highest echelons
of the equine universe.
Oh, so it's just
a get-rich-quick scheme. Sad.
Did you blow all your rock
star money back in the day?
Hell no,
I'm a millionaire, lady.
But I sunk all of my
money into this scheme,
and when I sell
that sweet white gold,
I'm going to be
a goddamn billionaire.
What the fuck
are you guys laughing at?
I'm going to be
the goddamn billionaire.
You'll still
be working for scale.
Huh.
Stink bombs, really?
Mom, I can't
talk about this again.
One year left, and you had
to go and throw it all away?
Don't be dramatic. I'm still
finishing senior year, just...
- Gonna be at an online school.
- Oh, an online school. Perfect.
Your future employers
are going to love that.
I just hope working at your
dad's is going to instill some
- responsibility in you.
- That's not fair.
Yeah, well, life's not fair.
Welcome to adulthood.
- Fuck this.
- Look.
I know your dad's not your
favorite person right now.
He left us for a farm.
Pretty sure 'not
my favorite person'
would be
the understatement of the year.
Local authorities
are still investigating
a spade of horse farm
disturbances believed
to be linked to an illegal
horse semen smuggling ring.
- If anyone has inf...
- What kind of freak town
are you leaving me in?
Hey, you seem to love hijinks.
Why don't you help
the police find the culprit?
Ugh, this is going to be
the worst week of my life.
Hey, I love you.
Oh, gross.
Hi, guys.
Yes, hi, and bye. A little
too much nature round here.
Nice to see you again,
Cassandra.
Nate, behave yourself.
- Glad you decided to come up.
- Trust me, wasn't my choice.
There's literally
shit right there.
Ah, that's horse poop.
And I'd get used to it, kiddo.
I sure did.
Thought this farm would
be more of a shack.
It's...
beautiful, isn't it?
Not really my scene,
but I guess some
people would say it's... nice.
- That's a nice camera.
- Thanks.
Won it in a school
photo competish.
- Who's that?
- Chaz Mollar.
Devon, my guy.
Chaz.
This is my son, Nathan.
Great.
So, where's my dad's cheque?
- Who's your dad?
- The farm's landlord.
I didn't think you'd be by
today, you were supposed to,
what,
stop over a few hours ago?
Yeah, well,
it was leg day the gym.
Sculpted calves
don't come for free. Right?
- Cheque.
- I'll get your dad's cheque.
Wanna... the bag?
Yeah, I didn't
know Kev had a kid.
Didn't know the farm
had a landlord.
Oh, your grandfather,
gambled it away before he died.
Yeah,
it's pretty sad if you ask me.
Whatever.
- I hate farms.
- Me too.
You from the city?
- Yeah.
- Yo, no bullshit...
I got those same shoes.
- Hmm.
- Here.
Nice meetin' ya.
Hi dad. I told you never
to call me Cornelius.
- I'm Chaz now.
- His name's... Cornelius?
Yeah, no,
Gucci wants a persona.
You know,
you guys look like
you're in
a Brawny paper towel ad.
- Bye.
- God, I hate that kid.
Let's get you settled in.
Great.
Um, Dad?
Was grandpa a gambler?
What? No.
- Why would you even ask that?
- That's what Chaz said.
Don't listen to anything
that he has to say.
Then why are you
giving them cheques?
Um, tax reasons.
It's really too
complicated to explain.
- Don't you just love that air?
- It's air.
No, that's air air.
- Not that polluted city crap.
- Huh.
And this is Sarah.
She has been a life saver,
helping me with the horses.
- You're Nathan, yeah?
- Mhm.
Your dad can't shut up about
you, dude fucking loves you.
Hey, what'd I say?
Excuse me, your dad seems to
think that my swearing around
the horses will give
them some sort of complex.
Yeah, 'cause it does.
All right, well, I better
finish this guy's ride.
- Let's fuckin' go.
- Sarah!
That's the bed.
Fuck you.
- Fucking horses? What do you...
- Hey, kiddo.
Hey, Kevin.
You, uh, talking to yourself?
I mean, I used
to talk to myself too.
I wasn't talking to myself.
Okay.
Hey you know, you can,
you can do all that later.
Come with me.
I've got some, uh,
very important people
for you to meet. Come on.
Now, come here, come here,
come here, come here.
- These are horses, not people.
- Hah, these are my babies.
Nate, come here. I want
you to meet someone special.
Again, a horse, not a someone.
Wait, is there a photo
of him in my room?
Good spotting.
This is Fritz.
He's one of our finest.
But, he's been
a little off lately.
How can a horse be off?
You can just feel it.
I, I brought you up here 'cause
I was hoping, uh, maybe
you could help him out.
Bring a fresh
energy to the place.
Horses aren't really my thing.
Come on, kiddo.
Don't be scared now.
I'm not... scared.
- There you go.
- Okay. Exhilarating.
Okay.
Nate, come on,
I want you to meet the others.
- Bitch.
- Did you...?
Nathan, have you ever used
one of these before?
Um, no, I don't like horses.
Or people that like horses.
No offence.
I...
Hi.
Wow, that's...
a lot, but I'm sure that we
can come to some
kind of agreement.
My barn, my rules.
Oh my...
Oh, this is my
fucking favorite pair.
You okay?
Shit.
Hey, Sarah.
- Hey.
- There you are.
Would you be sure you,
uh, do his legs up tonight?
- He worked hard today.
- Sure.
Thanks.
Looks like you're going
to need some new boots.
- Not really my style.
- Huh.
Are you, uh, Kevin's kid?
That's me.
Have you, uh, been
out to see the farm?
- It's a farm.
- Ha, really?
Well, maybe you should, ah,
get Sarah to take you out
for a drive in the golf
cart and show you around.
But, uh, careful.
She drives pretty fast.
Woo!
Oh, God.
Jesus.
Whoa.
- What?
- N-Nothing.
Never seen a girl
with a gun before?
- Never seen a gun before?
- Aw, city boy.
Here.
Earplugs? Seriously?
What am I, 80?
Suit yourself.
Gonna need
those glasses, though.
Wait.
Uh.
Just gonna...
Yeah, what was that you
were saying about earplugs?
What?
Uh...
There's
a, flock of, flock of geese.
There's a pigeon. Somewhere.
What's the matter with you?
So, where did
you two sneak off to?
Took him to the range.
- Did you hit it?
- Yep.
- Huh?
Did you hit it?
Did you hit one of the targets?
Oh.
Right. No, no, I didn't.
Ready to start work tomorrow?
Not really.
Let me guess, city boy's
never had a real job.
Yes.
Does selling Adderall count?
It was a joke.
I wasn't joking.
It's, uh, good to work
with your hands, you know?
Insert yourself. Get dirty.
- Yeah.
- Something funny?
No.
Can't wait to insert myself.
Put in a good hard day's work.
- Real hard.
- Yeah.
Bi-ii-tch.
Oh, Sarah.
Oh my god.
Yeah, fuck yeah.
- What?
- Time to get up.
The farm waits for no one.
Not much of a morning person.
Oh.
Looks like you've
already gotten up.
Um...
That's just a design
flaw in the sheets.
Wow, you're a terrible liar.
Time to get cracking, city boy.
Seriously?
It'd probably help if you pour
the coffee, then drink it.
Thanks for the tip.
Oh, I see Sarah
got you up this morning.
Oh, he had no
problem getting up.
That's my boy, fitting
right into the farm life.
- Really pull it.
- I'm using all my body weight.
All right, well that's sad.
Just, try again.
You know what, just give
it to me. Give it to me.
I think there might, might
be something broken on there.
Uh, my arms
are tired from last night.
I was-I wasn't jerking off,
I was-I was doing push-ups.
There's so much shit.
Shit!
Fucking...
shit all in it.
- Shit!
- It's all about
the rhythm, and make sure you
use your knees when you lift
or else you'll have one hell
of a backache tomorrow.
- I got this.
- Woah, woah woah.
Yo, Scary!
Busted bail, busted bail.
What's going on?
Grab the pitchfork.
- Take it down, first.
- Okay, alright.
I got it, I got it.
Are you sure?
Yeah, it's easy.
I could do this all day.
Shit!
What the hell?
Uh, does that like,
happen sometimes?
- Uh, nope.
- This is not good.
Keep up,
you're burning daylight.
Okay, okay, God.
Sorry about the hay
stuff or whatever.
"Or whatever?"
- Are you serious right now?
- It was an accident.
An expensive accident
that I can't afford to cover.
You know, you've got
to grow up sometime, Nathan.
- You can't be a kid forever.
- Grow up?
I'm not the one running
around playing Peter Pan.
You left mom
and I for a stupid farm.
Uh, there's far more
to it than you know.
Screw you.
Hey, don't talk to your
dad like that.
You mean the dad I haven't
seen in over a year?
I have invited you
up here so many times.
Excuse me if I didn't want
to visit my deadbeat dad
- ...and a bunch of horseshit.
- Nat-Nathan.
You're way off the mark.
Fuck. You.
- You know what?
- What?
I would have thought
you'd have at least matured
a little bit by now.
But I can see you're,
you're still the same.
It's high time
you took accountability.
You're going have
to pay for that baler incident.
That's at least
a month's worth of work.
I was only supposed
to be for a week.
- I can't be here for a month.
- Why not?
You are expelled.
It's not like you
have a classroom to be in.
I have online school.
And that's the beauty
of online school.
You can take it anywhere,
even your deadbeat dad's farm.
Uh, I'll be so bored.
You uh, can't be bored...
if you're busy.
Don't worry.
There's plenty of poop
with your name on it.
Oh, what do they eat?
This is shit. I hate this shit.
So much shit in here.
Kevin's a piece of shit.
So much horseshit.
Oh, this is too much.
Fuck!
- Woah, shit.
- Literally.
Hey, I'm more of a tulips guy,
but, I'll take 'em.
You wish. Seen Sarah?
Nah, man. Been shoveling
shit for the past few hours.
- Why?
- I'm trying to win her back.
Win her back?
Yeah, we dated,
but she couldn't handle
the Chaz lifestyle, so.
What's the Chaz lifestyle?
Pfft, oh man.
♪ More
intense than Alcatraz ♪
♪ That's what
it's like to be around Chaz ♪
Damn, that was good.
Oh, I gotta write that down.
- Sounded... great. Yeah.
- Right, that was good, huh?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
So, um...
How long did
you and Sarah date?
Like, two years,
something dumb.
Yeah, what
are you doing tonight?
Uh...
My friend's on a fucking
cleanse so he can't drink.
- I need someone fun.
- Maaa...
Hey, you
still shoveling out there?
Unless if you wanna hang
around with your loser ass dad.
- I guess so.
- Talk to me.
Yeah, Dad, just get her like
a doll house and a Mercedes.
She should be fine, she's
eight. That's a perfect gift.
And can you do something about
these horses, I think they're
making me allergic...
- What?
- Loser.
Shut up.
- Hilarious.
- Loser.
Thanks for
the vote of confidence.
Anytime.
- Nice roses.
- Oh, yeah.
Let me guess. Chaz?
Who else would get
such a ridiculous bouquet?
You know, we're surrounded
by such beautiful wildflowers.
I don't want
a store bought bouquet.
All I want
is for someone to treat me well
and pick wildflowers
they think I might like.
Why do I think
that this has to do
with more than just flowers?
- Yeah, well, after what he did?
- Oh, yeah, I get it.
So, any news on the baler?
$12,000 to fix the damn thing.
I told Nathan that he's going
to have to help pay for it,
but even a month
of his working here
is not gonna put
a dent in that cost.
Nathan's going
to be here longer?
Yeah.
I just, I can't wrap my head
around why he would do it.
- What was he trying to prove?
- I don't know.
I wish that kid had
an ounce of your diligence.
Sarah, you are
a credit to your parents.
Nathan, on the other hand...
What a dick.
What the fuck?
He's got a good heart.
He's just... a troublemaker.
Well, I better
steer clear of him.
Apparently, I'm
a sucker for trouble makers.
You're my kind
scientist, lady.
Go for Judge.
I can't hear you.
You sound like you're
either at a redneck bar,
or a Bob Seger concert.
- Yes, I see.
- Yeah, you'd better see.
You better fucking see,
you better fucking see Nathan,
and you better keep fucking
seeing him until we can figure
out whether or not
he's a problem
or else I'm going to shove
one harmonica up your ass
and the other
down your throat,
and you're going to
harmonize in the middle, son.
Oh heavens, no, we
certainly don't want that.
Rest assured
you have our full support.
- Don't you worry one gummy bear.
- Gummy bears?
This might not be
politically correct,
but are you fucking
retarded, boy?
I'm talking about billions
of dollars of jail time,
and you're talking about
motherfucking gummy bears?
I agree.
I shouldn't have said that.
Let me try and explain
something to you.
This is about trickling down,
and some of this might
trickle down to you.
But if I get busted,
the only trickling down is
going to be when your cellmate
pisses in your face,
is that clear enough for you?
Oh, speak of the devil.
The dove has entered the coop.
Just forget about
the fucking codes
and see if that kid's
going to be a problem.
Hey, can I get...
Hello, I'm standing,
I'm literally right here.
You know, it's so easy
to make a child,
- but so difficult to raise one.
- Mmm.
Especially when you deny
their existence.
So, is that dress button
or snap because you've got
a couple of hematomas,
they're just begging
for a mouth biopsy.
I guess this is going
to happen in a bar...
What would you like?
Uh, I'm sorry, what?
To sip.
Um...
A beer?
- Birch Admiral.
- One Birch's brew.
Quick service.
Oh, don't be silly.
Put that away.
The name's Orwell,
Orwell Spunk. And you are?
Uh...
- Nathan.
- Nathaniel...
have you heard
any funny business
- regarding horses?
- What?
- Any stallion shenanigans?
- Huh?
Then you haven't.
you know nothing.
Just as I expected.
Hey, what's
happening right now?
Forget this face.
Okay, thanks
for the drink, man.
Nathan. Shots?
Hey, Chaz.
Did you see that guy?
Oh, the Ring Pop guy?
Yeah, no, we call him
the Velveteen Rabbit.
Here, come over to Zach.
Shots, shots, shots.
You go, lightweight.
Cheers.
You're an embarrassment.
Put that away. Ha ha, cheers.
Ugh. I miss Sarah.
We had our first kiss here.
What happened between you two?
It was a
miscommunication, that's all.
He got banned
from Crown Liquors for life.
What?
Hey, I got to take
this call. Hello?
- This is Chaz.
- That's not your phone.
Who do you think this is?
I know what my phone is.
Good day.
Oh shit, this isn't my phone.
Dude, we gotta go
to the liquor s-store.
We gotta get booze, man.
Chaz,
we're at the liquor store.
Aw, shit. That's, that's
Sarah's stepmom dude.
That's-yeah.
Dude, I know they're
not related,
but they have like,
the same butt, right?
Yeah, they totally do.
Check this out.
Cha... No, Chaz, no.
Hey, baby. How you doin'?
Oof.
- Chaz?
- Hi, Mrs. Proctor, how are you?
Turn that thing off.
- That's pretty fucked up.
- Whatever. All right.
I'm, I'm a very talented
singer songwriter.
Everybody wants me,
so I'll be fine.
Bury me in Fireball!
Oh, shit.
Good morning,
Western Massachusetts.
It's another beautiful fall
day here in the Berkshires,
clear and breezy
with a high of 61.
Oh, that foliage
is sure beautiful.
Hey, Nathan.
I, uh, I wanted
to apologize for yesterday.
I know that things
have been bad, but...
I shouldn't have said some
of the things that I said.
Nathan.
Nathan.
Nathan.
Nathan, come on. Nat...
Teenagers.
- He'll come around.
- Hey, buddy,
we're gonna need your
special fecal matter skills.
Are you trying to get
him to love you or hate you?
What? Well, no,
I just think he needs
- to learn a lesson in humility.
- Well, not that way.
You know, I'm gonna have to
write down your little pearls
- of wisdom someday, Mary.
- Oh, okay.
Okay, well, I would
try something nicer.
Like, let's go for a ride.
and you can help us.
Picking up shit is not
the first lesson for him.
Then get down off his
high horse. Forgive the pun.
You're the dad.
How you
doin' back there, kiddo?
I don't know how
I can afford it all.
The rent, the conveyor
incident. It's too much.
You'll figure it out.
You always do.
I don't know about this time,
Mary. I'm losing the farm.
I'm at odds with my son. He
hates it here and he hates me.
You can't treat him like
a child and expect him
- to act like an adult.
- What am I supposed to do?
Give him a little freedom.
- Does he ride?
- No,
I, uh, wanted to teach
him to ride Fritz,
but he's made it pretty clear
he wants nothing to do with me.
Don't be such a sad sack.
How about having Sarah teach
him how to ride? He likes her.
It would be fun.
He might feel accomplished.
Be good for him.
What are you looking for?
His bridle.
I could have sworn
I put it over here earlier.
Floor. Floor.
Is this it?
That's weird.
I would have never put a
bridle on the floor like that.
Hey, wimp. Wimp.
Hey, buddy.
Scared of the big bad horse?
No.
Come on.
It's easy.
Tell you what.
You ride me, I'll ride you.
Not so scary, huh?
How are you feeling?
Who, me? Easy breezy.
Nathan, don't lie to me.
- What a pussy.
- I may be a tinge stressed out
the 2000 pound
animal in front of me.
Pfft.
You're gonna be fine.
- Pussy.
- Shh.
Did you just shush me?
No, I, talk to myself
sometimes.
Honestly, I talk
to myself too, sometimes.
Horses are just like people.
They can be a little
tricky to read.
See, he looks totally calm,
but internally
he's freaking out.
Hey!
He's just
not used to you yet.
Just like
you're not used to him.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
It's okay. It's okay, Fritz.
He's been
a little off recently.
Try to ride him another day.
Bye, pussy.
- Oh hey, buddy.
- Hi.
Where are you headed?
Um, uh,
Mary, set me
up on a blind date.
Oh.
- Have a really nice time.
- If you want to talk about it...
- Nope! Not at all.
- Look, Nath...
Hey, city, boy. Want
to go to the shooting range?
Nah, I'm good.
You can blow off some steam.
Come on.
Alright, fine. I'm coming.
- You're what?
- I'm coming.
- What?
- I'm com...
I'll be there
in a few minutes.
Shake a leg. Sun's going down.
- Shake a leg?
- Means chop chop, city boy.
Uh oh, I get
to drive the cart. It's cool.
Oh, don't, don't, don't move.
Wait right there.
- What, no. The sun's setting.
- You look...
I need a photo.
Thank you.
Could you...
um...
send that to me so
I can share it?
No one ever
really takes my photo.
That's absolutely their loss.
What's that?
Cicadas. Beautiful, huh?
Can I ask you something?
Does my dad
go on a lot of dates?
Never.
- Why?
- He's going on one tonight.
Really?
I mean, he's an adult,
he can do what he wants, but...
he skipped out on my mom
and I, like hardcore.
It's dumb.
It doesn't even matter.
I didn't know that.
He told me a different story.
Well, I guess we tell the
stories we want to believe,
and if we tell
them enough times,
then maybe
they start to be true.
- You need a party.
- Huh?
A massive distraction.
You can't run from the truth,
but you certainly can drown it.
- Drown it?
- In whisky.
Or tequila.
Your prerogative.
Where are we
gonna find a party?
Say your dad
was going out tonight...
Oh!
I'll make some calls.
Would you like to hear
about our little scheme?
I've been waiting
for about an hour.
It takes those two
longer to get dressed,
than it took Ms. Tran
to bleach my asshole.
'Course, my asshole hair
is so fine that it really
doesn't take that long,
but it sure stings a lot.
Well, the Bens are going to
infiltrate the party
dressed as douchebags,
so they will transform
from bodyguard Bens
to frat boy Kens.
Watch the rhyming, son.
That's my gig.
Don't be mad, Dad,
even a tad.
I'm the poet in this family.
♪ Chocolate raisins in the sky
if everybody starts to cry ♪
I wrote that and it won
a fucking Grammy, so suck it.
Oh,
you're out of massage oils.
Weren't you the scientist lady?
Yes, so Natalia's
my girlfriend now.
Mm-hmm! Muah.
Wah, ooh wah, wah, coo.
That's nice, just a tad
surprised how she went
from MIT meek
to strip club chic.
Rhyming!
There is literally
zero massage oil.
Kostya.
It's Natalia's brother.
Apparently,
Russia is a very sexy place.
I like the way you talk.
Would you like orgy?
No, no,
Bobby Q doesn't orgy.
He watches
my back while I orgy.
Mmm...
Now let's
get this wildly erotic,
deeply taboo, and possibly
illegal game play underway.
Oh, oh, oh oh.
Hey... oh!
This sort of thing can
emotionally scar a poor boy.
- Oh, man.
- I've got oil in my bedroom.
Kids, why don't you
wait in daddy's room?
He has a little
business to attend to.
Okay, daddy.
Ah, so the incestuous Russian
sex toys get to call you daddy.
Grow the fuck up.
That's rock and roll.
You need to worry
about those Ben idiots
- covering that Nathan kid.
- Fret not.
They'll keep a close eye
on him at the party.
It might be advantageous
to bring him into the fold.
I see your point.
Okay. Shoot your shot.
But if he doesn't go
along with it,
shoot your shot for real.
You get what I'm saying?
Yes.
Do you really
know what I'm saying?
If I ask
and he says no,
I should ask again with
a very intimidating manner.
If you ask and he says no,
you should kill him.
- Really?
- Dead.
Wow, quite the extreme
measures to be taken,
but I'm on it.
In fact,
I'm quite prepared.
I'll be the man for the job.
That's not a gun.
That's a gun, son.
We're trying to kill him,
not tickle his balls.
Yes, good god.
Well...
Very well, then.
Okay, I'll just put
that back there for now.
What do you think
about this, Bobby?
Orwell's right.
We're looking good.
We've harvested more
of the horse product.
Setting up
bidders online.
By this time next week,
you'll be richer than sin.
Ah, yeah.
Wanna do a bump?
No, thanks.
I don't do the cocaine.
This ain't cocaine.
This is vitamin B12.
Ah, fuck Viagra.
That shit gets you harder
than Portuguese trigonometry.
Grease up, kids.
Daddy's coming.
Later, Bobby.
Oh, man...
that is one seriously psycho,
freaky-deaky rock star.
Bottoms up.
Oh, my god.
Is that nail polish remover?
No,
just shitty moonshine.
Shitty being
the operative word.
Party's arrived.
Absolutely not.
Who the fuck invited you?
Well, it's a party. Of course
Chaz is going to be here.
Baby...
Hey, I want you back.
Chaz... this may come
as a surprise to you,
but I don't want you back.
But as my dad always says,
I'm the best.
Yeah, look at that girl over
there: she's pining after me.
Nah, man, I'm good.
I'm actually gay.
Yes, she is,
twinkle toes.
A bad example because she
doesn't even like guys.
I like guys
and I would never do you.
And I would never
even date you either,
because I have a strict
no redheads policy.
- Dude, she's blonde.
- Wait, she's what?
Whatever.
Look, Chaz, the reason no
one wants to date you
is because
you're a massive twat.
But I have a maid.
Precisely.
Okay, this party's pathetic.
Let's bounce.
I don't, I don't even know why
I dated you in the first place.
You're not exactly
Soho House material.
What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?
That I momentarily
let my standards drop
- when I dated you.
- You can fuck off, Chaz.
Always such a dick.
I don't know why
I let him get under my skin.
- Cha-Chaz.
- What?
I, I'd date you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Thanks, Zac.
That means a lot.
They were totally
wrong about you.
- They were.
- Yeah.
- I'm hot, huh?
- Totally.
Remember,
blue is the warmest colour.
You know what
you remind me of?
- What?
- Myself.
Hey, miss.
Would you like some free drugs?
- I'll take care of 'em.
- What?
You have to be more casual.
Looks like you need a refill.
Aw, thanks.
Your presence
has been summoned.
What?
He said your presence
has been summoned.
- Do you have the wrong guy?
- You are the Nathan.
Yeah?
Guess you
do have the right guy.
Then we shall see you tomorrow.
No, thanks.
Nathan, Nathan, Nathan.
You'll want to come by.
We just want to talk.
Remember, Nathan,
we know where you live.
- Okay?
- Jesus.
Watch where you're going.
- Hey, I'm sorry.
- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
- I'm not mad.
- You're not?
No,
I want you to have fun.
Your being responsible doesn't
mean not having any fun.
I want you to not
hate the fun, really.
Kevin!
We missed you.
Woah...
- No, thank you.
- Probably for the best.
Tastes like garbage.
Well, uh,
you two enjoy yourselves.
But... be ready
for work in the morning.
Ay, ay, captain.
Sweet.
Good boy.
What the fuck?
The lock is cut.
Oh, you're up, uh, early.
Yeah, I know there's work
to be done, and all that.
So...
...how was your date?
No one, uh, no one
really compares to your mother.
- What's with the papers?
- Oh, uh...
I'm just looking over some
financial stuff.
Oh.
How's it looking?
Not good.
- I'm sorry about the baler...
- Hey, hey, hey.
I know you are.
Thanks, kiddo.
Uh,
anything I can do to help?
Not at the moment, unless you
have some that Adderall
laying around that'd be...
hey, hey. That's a joke.
But in the meantime,
the composter
- could use turning over.
- No shit?
No shit.
- Hmm, hey, Loser.
- Oh, what are you guys doing?
Just trying
to give Fritz a little lovin'.
I don't know
what's going on with him.
Poor little guy.
Alright, Fritz.
God, I'm so hungover.
All I want
is Betty's pizza
with that...
cheesy, yummy goodness.
Uh, wanna like, go later?
To Betty's?
Yeah, I mean,
you said you wanted to go, so...
Nathaniel, are you asking
me out on a date?
If I were,
would you say yes?
Mm-hmm.
- Betty's then?
- It's a date, city boy.
Two losers.
Yes.
It's beautiful.
Excellent.
100 percent Grade A.
Hello?
Someone is waiting,
you imbecile.
And change your shirt,
as we discussed.
Welcome to the smoke shop.
That's all we sell here.
We're chill people.
Come on in.
- Come on, bro. Come on.
- Okay.
Sick shop.
Oh, you haven't
seen anything yet.
I'm not going
to kiss your hand.
Come with me.
Scared to take my hand?
I'm allergic to latex.
Hm. Must be convenient...
for a virgin.
I'm not a vir...
Shit. Lotta cash.
Oh, this doesn't exist.
I...
- It's right there.
- None of this is real.
Ben, you are an utter
embarrassment.
Nathaniel,
pay him no mind.
I believe he was dropped
on his head as a child.
Perhaps on multiple occasions.
Come with me,
my boy, please.
- Oh, my god.
- Ooh, you have soft shoulders.
I, I don't, yeah.
What are those?
Liquid gold, my boy.
Liquid gold.
Mined from the shaft
with my bare hands.
What's liquid gold?
Horse semen
is no laughing matter.
You're seriously the worst.
- What's in there?
- 69, 69.
That's the code
that he assigned.
69, 69. That's the code
that he assigned.
Enough of your
childish rhymes, Ben.
Okay...
Just uh, joking with our
house comic Ben, here.
Where do you think
you're going?
I have plans.
We all know it's a date.
You can say it.
Look, I don't know what kind
of weird ass operation
- you have going on here...
- Weird ass?
It's actually an incredible,
wonderful operation
we're running here.
We were going to invite you
to join,
but never mind.
Well, I definitely
don't want any part of it.
We definitely don't
want any part of you.
- Well, then we're in agreement.
- Fine.
Oh!
Say hello
to your horsey friend for us.
I'm gonna...
- Okay.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, bro.
Have a wonderful date,
Nate.
Spare key. Hmm.
Hmm...
See, it doesn't work with Coke.
It has to be a milkshake.
- Well, I'm lactose intolerant.
- God, that's hot.
What,
that I'm lactose intolerant?
Say it again.
I'm lactose intolerant.
Fuck.
I, um...
Hey do you know a guy named...
what's his name,
Orwell?
Doesn't ring a bell.
He has these um,
Ring Pops on his hand.
He tried to make me suck it.
What?
- His Ring Pop.
- Oh, oh, okay.
Not, not his penis.
- I just wanna make that clear.
- Noted.
Hey,
are you cool with my dad?
Yeah, why?
I don't know,
he just gets on me a lot.
Well, yeah, you don't know
what the fuck you're doing.
Yeah, my life's kind of,
kind of messed up.
Well, I just meant at the farm.
I didn't mean...
Oh.
Yeah, still.
You should try to hang out with
him. He's pretty chill.
I kind of feel
bad for that baler.
Yeah, that was pretty bad.
You saw
my muscles though, right?
Your... muscles?
Yeah, those.
Those I saw.
- Are you cold?
- A little bit.
Well, well, well,
what the frick do we have here?
Yo, Chaz.
Don't you "Yo, Chaz" me,
and get your hands
away from my girl.
- Your girl?
- Yeah, get him, Chaz.
- Oh, I will.
- So you're spying on me now?
I came to serenade you.
No one wants to hear that.
Let's go.
Okay, so you're ditching me
for the Virgin Mary now?
- Chaz, you're pathetic.
- Look, baby girl, baby girl.
Look, you could be
making sweet, sweet love
- to a Gucci model right now.
- Yeah, right.
Yeah, that's right. I got paid
for a Gucci shoot next week.
I'm going to be making bank.
Gucci bank.
Good for you, Chaz.
What...
Sarah, we make sense together.
No, we really, really don't.
Baby, please.
- I wrote you this song.
- Oh, my God...
♪ Sarah,
I know it's hard. ♪
♪ When I'm looking
at you so very hard. ♪
♪ When you cook me
breakfast, I've ♪
What, I was
about to hit the chorus, dude.
- You'll sing it for me later.
- Uh, thanks for the song,
but we're going to
get out of here, so...
Sarah and I have a destiny.
She's mine.
I don't belong to anyone.
Yeah, what are you,
Ted Bundy or something?
Okay, you want a fight?
Fine. You got one.
- Take the first swing.
- I don't want to fight.
You're just
a little bitch just like
- your dad and your grandpa.
- Hey!
- What did you say?
- Yeah, that's right.
Your gamblin' ass
grandpa couldn't hold on
to the farm,
and neither will your daddy.
What are you talking about?
Oh, you don't know,
do you?
My dad just got a call
from developers today.
They want to buy
the farm and tear it down.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah, that's right.
My dad's
meeting with them tomorrow.
So listen, if your dad can come
up with the cash before then...
Oh, oh did I make you upset?
He's just a little bi...
- Chaz! No!
- I'm okay.
Oh, my god, I think
I got a rock in my eye.
Can you look in my eye?
It's really,
- I don't think it's... ah!
- The fuck!?
What am I gonna
do with my Insta story?
God, he's such an asshole.
Yeah.
He never deserved you.
- I really like you, Sarah.
- Oh, yeah?
I like you, too.
When are we going
to do about the farm?
I don't know.
I can speak to my dad.
Woah, kiddo. You okay?
Speak of the devil.
Yeah, I'm okay.
What, uh, what happened
to your nose?
Got hit by
a wannabe Gucci model.
Are you
uh, care to elaborate?
Not really.
I'm going to
go grab some air.
What really
happened to your nose?
You're stupid.
Dad, I got to know the truth
about the farm, about grandpa.
Your grandfather
was a, was a complicated guy.
Then it's true,
he was a gambler.
It was a secret.
It was a big secret, really.
He, uh,
He had an addiction.
And one night
he lost a huge bet.
And he didn't have
the cash to cover it.
- So he had to give up the farm.
- You can't be serious.
Before he died, he made
me promise him that...
I'd buy the farm back.
So, uh...
that's what I have been doing.
Slowly paying it off
over the past few years.
- That's why you left mom and I.
- Yeah.
Why didn't you say so?
I didn't want to hurt
your grandfather's pride.
So why tell me now?
Because...
I thought it was more important
to tell the truth.
Dad, you're gonna
lose the farm.
Oh, hey, I mean, it's going
to be a little difficult to get
- over the baler incident...
- No, developers are buying it.
What?
Chaz told me.
His dad's
meeting them tomorrow.
And they're going to
tear it down.
You know, if you would have
told me you're going to
lose the farm a month ago
I wouldn't have cared.
Shit, I'd probably be happy.
But now, I can't help to think
that this is entirely my fault.
I mean, if I wasn't so stupid
with the baler...
Kiddo, kiddo, kiddo,
slow, slow down.
What are you doing here?
Look at my
beautiful boy's face.
You need to get control
of that little shit of yours.
- Alright John...
- How's he supposed to do his
- Gucci commercial next week?
- There he is, Dad.
You need to keep your
grubby little hands
off of my angel,
you hear me?
Alright, I think the name
calling is a bit excessive.
You know, your son is going
to end up just like you.
Broke, alone, and at the bottom
of the food chain.
No, I think it's time that you
get the fuck off my property.
- Your property?
- Yeah.
Ha...
You're not going
to get away with this.
Oh, I will.
I will.
He will.
Dad,
can you unlock the door?
God. There must be something
we're not thinking of.
Well, I'm all out of ideas.
Well, you clean up nice.
What? Oh, thanks.
Felt like a new shirt
would make me feel better.
I was really talking about
the bloodless face, but...
Ah, yeah.
That, too.
Woah, this is chill.
It's my favorite spot,
but I hardly ever
get down here because
I'm always so busy at the farm.
Well,
I definitely need the break.
I don't know
what's gonna happen...
No, no, no, no, no.
Tomorrow.
Tonight, we chill.
I know, right?
Check this out.
I was attacked by a bear.
Where was Zac
when I needed him? Huh, Zac?
Ugh, he's everywhere.
Let's just go down to the dock.
Put that away, it's gross.
What? It's just my dick.
- You okay?
- Yeah, sorry, he's just so...
goddamn annoying.
Thanks.
I'm really
sorry about the fight.
Yeah.
Hey, you like my dick, right?
It, uh...
was actually my birthday,
and we're supposed to have
a date that night,
but I guess he just...
forgot.
- Hey, birthday girl.
- Hey.
- Where's Chaz?
- Uh, he had to take care
of some business
for his dad.
He'll be here.
Uh huh.
Chaz. Hold on.
One second, Dad.
Chaz.
Are you drunk?
You're, you're not drunk?
Wait, wait, wait,
so let me get this straight.
You're calling me, on my
birthday, to tell me that
you just banged Missy
in the back of your car?
You know what?
Fuck you.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I just...
Hey, for the record,
no guy should ever treat
you like that.
Come on,
baby, you know I love you.
Oh, yeah right. Asshole.
I need a drink.
Hey just, ignore him.
Enjoy the high.
Thanks, Cowboy.
Cowboy? Really?
Can't help it, I'm sorry.
I guess this could really
be the end of my dad's farm.
Yeah.
Could be.
Liquid gold, my boy.
Minded from the shaft...
Horse semen is not
a laughing matter.
The answer's in the semen.
Oh, my God. Of course.
The answer's
always in the semen.
- The semen, that's it!
- Nate, are you alright?
For the first time in my life,
I've concocted a scheme
that's
not entirely self-serving.
When my dad left, I thought he
was a bad guy, but he wasn't.
He was trying to do
what he thought was right.
And I've come to realize that
it's not about being perfect,
it's about getting up every day
and at least fucking trying.
I'm not gonna lie to you,
I have no clue
if this plan is going to work.
It may very
well end up in flames.
But at least
we did something.
Well, I guess they can't blame
us for fucking trying.
Yep, here we go.
Shit,
it's right there.
I think I saw a side door.
I think you're right.
Oh, you're right.
Well, that was too easy.
I think the coast is clear.
Holy shit,
this place is too weird.
The cash is in the front.
Wait, wait, wait.
What the hell is that?
I don't know.
Looks like
it could be important.
Looks like it needs a code.
You're just full
of great tips, aren't you?
Actually,
I think I know it.
How on earth would you know it?
Some people can be so smart,
yet so, so dumb.
69 69.
What the fuck?
I think I know what this.
Oh, Shit.
You got this, Judge.
It's good
thing we used extra oil.
Okay. This isn't
going to be easy.
Right foot blueberry.
Aw, shit.
Ah.
Fuck. Code red!
Code red!
Alert! Alert!
What is it?
Shit, is it my boyfriend?
Wait, you have boyfriend?
My top secret horse semen
lair has been compromised,
which means law enforcement
is probably on their way.
So let's get the fuck
out of here.
I got warrants.
So what do we do now, sis?
Drop the sister act.
It's gross.
- So...
- Okay, well, what he said.
- Let's get the fuck outta here.
- Okay.
Okay, you guys take off.
I'll meet you at the
Great Barrington Holiday Inn.
I got the mat.
You take the spiny thing.
Go. Go, go, go, go.
Are you going to be okay?
Well, I'm wanted by
the law and I'm dead broke.
But I've got a song in my heart
and the music in my soul.
So long suckers.
I also got... this.
Five million dollars
of illegal horse semen.
- I forgot my keys.
- Ooh.
Prius, right?
Yes.
Yes.
Who dares steals
from my secret semen lair?
- Shit, the cops, too?
- Okay, actually?
I don't know if we're going
to get murdered or end up
in jail but I just wanted
to let you know,
I've had the best time
getting to know you.
Hope that's not the last time
I get to do that.
I have a feeling it won't be.
We know you're in there.
Come out with your hands
above your heads.
Fuck...
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.
- Nate, chill.
- Chill?
The police are outside and
there's a semen psycho in here
probably trying to kill us.
How am I supposed to chill?
So, don't hate me, but...
- I didn't trust your plan.
- Huh?
The police are sort
of our back up.
- You, you know them?
- Mm-hmm.
- We just go outside then, or...?
- Sure.
Alright, step out slowly with
your hands above your heads.
- Woah, what the fuck?
- Woah, woah. Stand down.
- Your stepmom's a cop?
- Oh, yeah.
- Can I put my hands down?
- Yes, you can.
- There they are.
- Freeze.
Those are the demons who tried
to steal my horse semen money.
Come here.
So, you're the sick
guy with the semen lair.
Even if I were,
you couldn't prove it.
There's literally
so much semen...
But you can't tie us directly
to it. We are innocent.
Ow, ow! Ow, ow!
Bennett, Barnes,
raid the place.
Yeah, you can go.
You can go.
Please, please. You guys don't
know how hard this work is.
I mean, a horse
like Fritz is literally...
Wait, what did
you just say?
- I said a horse like Fritz is...
- That's my dad's horse.
That's why he's
been acting off.
Wait a minute.
You're telling me
that all your semen money...
comes from your horse?
Fritz's semen is liquid gold.
You would've done
the same thing.
We just thought of it first.
- You are despicable.
- Hmm!
And you three
are a creepy looking trio.
There is so much cash in there.
And
there's a lot of test tubes
full of
what's most likely semen.
- Cuff 'em.
- Hey, hey, hey.
What the fuck is this?
Hey!
Fuck you!
Oh, God!
- Oh, man!
- Nathaniel.
I bought you
a delicious Berkshire brew
from Berkshire Brewing Company,
established in 1994.
25 years family owned,
and this is how you repay me?
Listen, I am so sorry
this happened to your family.
But you know,
if it's any consolation,
theoretically, all that cash
belongs to your father.
Looks like your dad's
not losing the farm.
Well, it is his
liquid gold, after all.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
Don't worry.
Where you boys are going,
there's going
to be a lot of semen.
Yo, fuck you!
Oh, I'm sorry
about everything, Fritzy.
You're going to get so many
apples and carrots,
you won't even know
what to do about it.
- My lady.
- Oh, brother.
Thank you,
they're beautiful.
Don't ever
call me m'lady again.
Yeah, it felt wrong.
I definitely won't.
Ready for some country livin'?
I mean,
I have the boots.
Nice.
I still can't believe
you called for backup.
I admired your passion,
but this case
was a little too important
to leave it up to chance.
Chance?
I had a solid plan.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Solid.
I kissed you, didn't I?
You don't remember
kissing me?
I may have blacked
out for a moment.
Remember now?
I may need
one more to reminder.
I'm gonna be sick