Strapped for Danger (2017) - full transcript
When three male strippers pull of a heist, they find themselves being tracked down by a homophobic cop. Hiding out in a frat house, our three anti-heroes find themselves getting into more trouble than they were trying to escape.
- Hello ladies, ladies, and others,
and thank you all for coming tonight to
The Bigg Club, where men meet boys.
It's spelled M-E-A-T,
that's an auditory pun people,
and yes, the management makes me do it every time.
- Bring on the boys.
- Yes, yes, sweetheart, any moment now.
Aren't you feisty?
You're exactly how I like my men,
drunk and desperate.
Come talk to me after the show next time, why don't ya?
The name's Pinata Debris,
and I am pleased to welcome to the stage, Joey and Matt.
(hip hop music)
♪ Get fucked up yeah ♪
♪ Repoke to the next loco yo ♪
♪ Put your hands up yeah ♪
♪ Baby that's the stuff, that's the stuff ♪
♪ And we in the club ♪
♪ That's that ass and all the club ♪
♪ Call us in we break the seal ♪
♪ Hear about pop while the ladies drop ♪
♪ Lose control while we in the zone ♪
♪ Fellas take a glance while the ladies dance ♪
♪ Put your hands high, say I'm fly ♪
♪ We fly tonight, we get it right ♪
♪ We livin' life ♪
♪ It's all at night ♪
♪ We get it right, we live it like ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about it forget about it ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about it forget about it ♪
(lyrics muffled)
♪ Tell me things tell me things ♪
♪ You tell me, we do the damn thing ♪
♪ Drop bottles till we piss champagne ♪
♪ Forget your worries forget your pain ♪
♪ Gonna stay till the party ends ♪
♪ All I need is a bottle and some friends ♪
♪ Show starts when I walk in ♪
♪ It's all at night, we get it right ♪
♪ We livin' life ♪
♪ It's all at night, we get it right ♪
♪ We livin' life ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about it forget about it ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about it forget about it ♪
♪ This drink is strong, your ass is wrong ♪
♪ And I'm a take you home ♪
♪ But now we digging cup ♪
♪ Blood where your body sunk ♪
♪ And the way these speakers ♪
♪ It's all at night, we get it right ♪
♪ We livin' life ♪
♪ It's all at night, we get it right ♪
♪ We livin' life ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about it, forget about it ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about, it forget about it ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about it, forget about it ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about it, forget about it ♪
- Hey Chuck, what's you doing?
- Just watching the show.
- You never watch the other guys.
- Yeah well, tonight I am.
- You like girls.
Like me.
- You ain't a girl.
- How dare you?
Well you weren't so picky
while I was sucking you off last fortnight.
I would report you to HR for sexual harassment
and misgendering me,
if there were such a thing as HR in this dump of a place.
- Look,
buzz off.
I'm waiting to see something here.
- Fine, but don't say I never blew nothin' for ya.
(upbeat jazz music)
- Hi Matt.
- Hi ya Clive.
Now you know I said the cute ones don't have to tip.
- Ah, you're so nice.
You're so much nicer than the other dancers.
- I don't know that that's true.
- I think it's true.
The other guys don't have the same spark as you.
- Thanks.
You know what Clive?
I think you should go home.
- Go home?
It's not even midnight.
- Yes, but believe me, it's pumpkin time for you.
Trust me, go, now,
and you'll see why tomorrow.
- All right, if you say so Matt.
- I do.
Here.
- All right, I'll go, I'll go.
Night night.
- Night night, termite.
(snorting)
- God Danny, are you doing coke again?
What is this, 1986?
- What do you want, Pinata?
- I was just gonna say it's my birthday next month,
and I was wondering if I could have
a special birthday show here?
- Special birthday show?
Like what?
- You know, like singing, dancing.
- No, girl, when people come to Bigg's
we offer them one thing,
hot guys in nothing but jock straps.
- But I can offer them magic and illusion.
- Face it kid, the slogan here is where men meet--
- Where men meet boys, I know.
- You're not a man.
You're not a boy.
- I'm not a girl, not yet a woman.
- Exactly, you're a fine host,
but you're not the selling point.
People come here to see hot guys,
that's the meal.
Anything else, like you, is garnish.
- How dare you?
Are you calling me parsley?
- If the herb fits.
(upbeat jazz music)
- Everybody freeze.
- Hello gentlemen, and others.
- You know Pinata, that joke never worked.
Ladies, ladies, and others?
All that's left is men,
and I have had enough of men.
Now, in case you haven't figured this out yet,
this is a motherfuckin' robbery.
Our associate Chuck's gonna go around the room,
like we do when we're dancing here,
but, instead of giving us your money,
you're gonna give us your clothes.
Put 'em in the bag, wallets, cell phones, everything.
You first.
(upbeat jazz music)
- Police department, this is Vargas.
If it's not homicide, I'm not interested.
That's dangerous.
A robbery you say?
Armed?
I see, now you're talking my language.
The heat of battle, the smell of the flintlock,
this is where men are forged.
None of this light felony, foo foo,
hypno skeleton bullshit.
I'm talking the rage of battle,
the heat of a thousand suns.
What was that?
Hostages?
Sorry, I was in the middle of a sexual fantasy.
Where was this again?
Strip club?
Sweet luscious tits of innocence.
Those hardworking girls never hurt anybody.
Why they are merely providing a public good,
and to take advantage of that is truly a heinous act of--
What?
What do you mean they're not girls,
you said this was a strip club.
I see, no no, there's nothing wrong with
doing things the gay way.
As an ass man myself,
I can appreciate the appreciation.
Two luscious hunks of ham,
squeezed together over a forbidden point of entry.
It's enough to make the mind wander.
In fact, it reminds me--
Huh? How many hostages?
Um, I think I'd better transfer your call to dispatch,
there may be a closer car,
and in these times of ass-driven violence,
time is of the essence.
Hold please.
Now it's time to go hide in the bathroom
and forget this ever happened.
Ain't no way I'm gonna get my clothes
covered in the stench of blood and cum,
for the second time tonight.
- [Dispatcher] Six six henry.
- You know Rod,
there comes a time in every little girl's life,
when she dreams about her wedding day.
- In this hypothetical, am I the little girl?
- No, no Rod, I am the little girl.
You are the little boy.
This is our little wedding.
- Oh.
- It's time we get hitched.
- Huh?
- [Dispatcher] All cars in the immediate area,
we have a 211 in progress at the Bigg Club.
- Oh, I know where that is.
Take a right on Washington, and a left on Empire.
- Good, this is why I keep you around.
Now, let's go mow down some faggots motherfucker.
- What's going on?
- Look, it's our erstwhile boss, Danny.
For years we've been working for him,
and not only has he been not paying us a living wage,
he's been skimming our tips for his cocaine habit.
Haven't you, Danny?
- How do you know?
(sniffing)
No, no of course not.
- Well Danny, I think you should
put on a little show for your patrons.
You've always been backstage,
now it's your turn in the spotlight.
Up on the stage, strip.
- What? Are you kidding me?
- Twerk.
Charleston.
Macarena.
(sirens approaching)
- Copper cops,
copper cops.
- Shit.
How are we doing?
- That's everyone's shit, let's blow.
- Out of the way.
- Freeze.
(gun firing)
- Hey!
- You won't get away with this.
- I kinda think we will.
What's your name, handsome?
- Rod, it's Rod.
- Oh, that was a good one.
You're coming with us, Rod.
- Someone stop them!
- You have the right to remain silent.
- Oh look at me, I'm a police officer.
- Chuck!
Take me with you.
I love you.
- Can't babe, sorry.
Nothing personal.
- Get off of me, I am going to get those brazen, faggots,
if it is the last thing that I do.
Motherfuckers!
♪ I'm on a fucked up fruitless mission ♪
♪ I'm not thinking I'm going to jail ♪
♪ But bad luck never fails ♪
♪ It's got be dropped on my tail ♪
♪ Would you please post my bail ♪
♪ This is it no turning back ♪
♪ Got a monkey on my back ♪
♪ He's got a hair across his eye ♪
♪ About to fall on my glass ♪
♪ I'm not thinking I'm going to jail ♪
♪ But bad luck never fails ♪
- I understand, you think it's fun and games,
this kidnapping a cap.
It does happen once a week.
Stop it.
I have to pay for that badge.
- When's the next turn?
- It's coming up in two miles.
- Here that Tulula?
We're almost there.
- Straight men and their cars.
I'll never understand it.
- Where are you taking me?
Stop trying to take off my shirt.
- We are headed to Chuck's old frat house,
aren't we Chuck?
- Delta Iota Kappa.
- Yeah, remember dudes,
you can't blow up my spot.
I'm so respected there.
I'm a brother, proud Delta.
- Yeah, yeah, you told us.
- Chuck, what's it like in a frat house anyway?
I've heard stories.
- Probably not as entertaining as we think.
- Or hope.
- No, it was great.
Got all the pussy I wanted when I was a Delta.
- Gross, pussy's gross.
Right Rod?
- Stop it.
Stop it, stop it.
- You know, I like that you don't shave your chest Rod.
I always say manscaping is a crime against real men.
- I always say manscaping is for heteros.
Women like smooth men.
Real men like real men.
- You know what we mean, Rod?
- Stop it, stop it.
- Hey, hey, hey, those are my pants.
- Quiet Rod, or I will have to gag you.
- Do it anyway, I'm tired of his whining.
- Things like that.
- You know, I watched this documentary
about fraternity life.
It was quite eye-opening.
- Yeah, what was it called?
- Frat Fuckhouse Volume 17.
- 17?
- Yeah, I hadn't seen one through 16,
but you could follow the story pretty easily.
It was mostly butt sex.
- I'm serious you guys.
I don't want anyone at the frat
to know what we're doing there.
- You mean you don't want them knowing
what you do for a living?
Shaking those cakes for thirsty men?
- That too.
We're just gonna get in there,
get the diamonds and the plane vouchers,
and we are on our way to Hawaii.
- Fun in the sun.
- I can't wait to make out with you on the beach.
Why are we stopping?
- [Chuck] We need gas.
- [Matt] Great, okay you stay here with Rod
so that he doesn't get away,
and we're gonna go in and get some snacks.
- Uh, hi.
- Hi, Carol, is it?
- Yeah, how did you know?
- Your name tag, Carol.
- Oh, of course, how inane of me.
- Hey you see our friend outside gassing up our car?
- Yes, he is also not wearing a shirt.
- You're very astute, Carol.
- Hey Joey, you want a soft drink?
- Naw man, I don't like nothin' soft.
Look Carol, can I call you sometime?
- Why?
- Who knows?
Live a little.
If you're shy, you can call me.
Give me your cell phone and I'll put in my number.
- You want all of this?
- Well my grandmother always says,
it's better to have it and not need it,
than to need it and not have it.
You never know when a Twinkie will come in handy.
- I guess that's true.
- Don't call right away.
Desperation is never attractive.
- Let me ring you up.
- I'm afraid that won't be necessary.
- Damn it.
Your criminals, on the lam?
- 'Fraid so, Carol.
- Can I come with you?
I'm really handy to have around.
- Oh Carol, come here.
- Oh what the heck?
- Sorry hon.
- Well you don't have to rub it in.
- And then they made me strip down in front of everyone,
pants down,
underpants down,
everything.
- Yes, I understand.
- I mean everyone saw my schmeckle.
- Yes I know, I was there.
I saw it too.
- Oh my God.
- Now, you brought the surveillance footage with you.
- Yes.
Here.
When Joey pantsed me up there,
that was the most humiliating moment of my life.
- Yes, I'm sure.
Lester stop, stop bandaging me,
and put this on the big screen.
- But your arm?
- It can wait, Officer Pence is in trouble.
- Yes, ma'am.
Sorry, ma'am.
- All right, fast forward,
we need about 11:30, that's when it all went down, right?
- Right?
- Nope, too late, that's me, go back.
- That's them there, that's Joey, and Matt.
- Lovers?
- I think so.
- You think so?
- Well, they're not exactly monogamous,
but I think they hump on a regular basis.
- Interesting.
- Then there's the third one, that's Chuck.
- And who's he fucking?
- I don't know, I think he's mostly straight.
- Mostly straight?
What does that mean?
- Well, I mean, I don't go for guys myself,
but in the dark I'll catch a gray, you know what I mean?
- No.
- As Gertrude Stein said,
a mouth is a mouth is a mouth.
- Gertrude Stein.
- What I'm trying to say is,
getting your dick wet is getting your dick wet.
- Oh.
- All right, enough of the crap, pay attention.
- Oh God that's me, turn it off, turn it off.
- Yeah Lester, shut it down.
- I'm trying.
- Oh my God.
- Sorry, I'm sorry.
- Hey Joann, I have the--
Oh my God.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll be back later.
- I got lunch for everyone and--
God I hope he's a grower.
- You can stop bawling,
it's not that small.
- Maybe we should have called before?
- No it's all good.
I'm a brother here,
and we brothers have to offer each other hospitality.
It's in our code.
- Wait a minute.
A little conspicuous don't you think?
- It's okay, I made one.
Here, handsome.
It matches your eyes.
- Hey, brother Chuck.
Deltas!
- In the flesh, brother Hunter.
Wanted to come by for a quick visit to the old house,
show it off to my new friends.
You mind?
- Oh, of course not brother.
Mi casa es su casa, you know that.
Come on in fellas.
You've gotta see the place man,
we have not improved a thing.
Hey, dudes.
Look, brother Chuck.
You remember him?
- Yeah, up Chuck.
How's it hangin'?
- Haven't seen you since you graduated, bro.
- Yeah, what the fuck is up man?
- Hey guys, good to see you all again.
These are my bros, Matt and Joey.
They wanted to come by and see the old place,
I talked about it so much.
- And I see you brought along a pledge.
- Pledge?
- This is Rod.
- I'm a hostage.
- Kidder.
- Good to see you want to keep the old traditions alive.
- How do we know this isn't some kind of trick?
Who are these strangers?
Maybe they're plants from Beta Upsilon Tau.
- How dare you?
Our rivals?
I am a proud Delta, just like you all.
- Surely we can trust old Up Chuck?
Remember, when he drank 37 beers the night
before the fraternity carnival?
- We lost to the Betas that year,
because he was too hung over for the wrestling competition.
Maybe he's been deep undercover all along.
- What's going on brothers?
Why are you so suspicious?
- It's time we leveled with you Chuck.
We are basically all that's left of Delta Iota Kappa.
- What?
The three of you?
- Yeah, and Luke.
He's busy in the other room, banging the frat house slut.
- Frat house slut.
- How did this happen?
- Well some people thought our frat hazing
from last year got a little out of hand.
- Out of hand?
- Yeah, some pledge almost drowned
when we made him three laps in the pool,
with a lit candle sticking out of his ass.
- [Frat Bro] And, in our defense,
it was hilarious at the time.
- But those bastards at Beta Upsilon Tau
reported us to the college administration.
So now we, are on probation
until we can get our act together.
- Hey brother Hunter, question.
- What's up Up Chuck?
- Why is the rooster naked?
- Why wouldn't he be?
I mean just look at him.
- It's our mascot.
- Those Betas are always trying
to get their hands on Delta cock.
- They're gonna take me back to the frat,
and do unspeakable things to me.
I don't want to do unspeakable things to their frat.
Only here, Delta for life!
- Deltas!
- No no no, we not gonna do unspeakable things,
I mean, normally, maybe,
but this time, we're going right to the Dean.
You guys are hazing again,
and now Delta Iota Kappa is over.
- Yeah, over.
- So help me God.
If you touch one vein on that beautiful cock.
- Allow us.
(heavy metal music)
- Here comes the secret Delta Iota Kappa handshake.
- Secret handshake.
- Whoo!
- I guess we can trust these guys.
- Absolutely yes, Joey, Matt,
I hereby call you honorary members
of the Delta Iota Kappa fraternity.
- Thank you.
- What about this one now?
Your pledge?
- Pledge.
- Yeah, you guessed it bud,
this guy never really had the true frat experience,
so we thought we'd do a little hazing.
- Well that's perfect.
It's hell week for our pledges, right now.
- Hell week?
But I thought you said you were on probation
because of your hazing?
- Well yeah, but that doesn't mean
we're gonna break with tradition.
- Well shit, yeah.
That's why we brought this guy along, hell week.
I just wanted to show him around a little.
- All right pledge, are you ready to join this fraternity?
- No.
- Well, you don't deserve it.
- Dance monkey.
- Classic.
All right, let's put him with the others.
- Wait, the others?
- Like I told you, it's hell week, baby.
And you know what happens to pledges on hell week.
Now I don't remember telling you you could stop dancing.
Drop the shoulders.
A little bit of movement.
- This one's sleeping in here tonight, right boy?
- Sorry, yes sir.
- Oh, pathetic pledges,
sleeping in here.
- Why am I erect?
- And these lucky gents get the comfy bed,
but have to go totally nude, wrapped up together.
You'll totally be fags for each other
by tomorrow morning, I bet.
Right pledge?
- Sir, yes sir.
- Where do you want to put yours, brother Chuck?
- Uh, let me confer with my associates.
Just a moment.
- What's wrong?
- Guys, shouldn't we worry about?
- No, that's Luke.
He's just boning, he won't notice anything.
Joey, Matt, we have a problem.
- What is it?
- The diamonds and the plane tickets are in that bed.
That's where I hid them,
underneath those naked pledges.
- Shit.
- Okay so, what does that mean?
- It means we can't get to them until 10 in the morning
when they take the pledges
for their naked run through the streets.
I forgot it was gonna be hell week this time of year,
but I still remember how it works.
- Okay, then now what?
Oh wait, did you say, naked pledges?
- Okay, look guys, this is not a disaster,
not at all, all right.
Okay Chuck, can your frat brothers
put us up here for the night?
- Of course.
- Okay, good.
Cops won't think to look for us here.
No one will.
We get to wait out here the rest of the night,
and in the morning, grab the shit and get out of this town.
Even better, we can get some shut-eye
and be fresh for our trip.
- Works for me.
- Great.
- Hey Chuck,
did you have to go through this pledging stuff?
Were you tied up naked with a bunch of other dudes?
- Yeah.
- Uh, how do I put this delicately?
- Did you have to fuck another dude?
- Wait, fucked?
Oh God, you got fucked, didn't you?
Oh you liked it.
- Not me, but some poor bastards did.
I was lucky.
I only had to give another pledge a hand job.
- Hot.
- No, when you're pledging you have to do
what every brother tells you.
- Sounds pretty gay to me.
- It's not gay, it's discipline.
- Hot.
- If a pledge mouths off or whatever
they can be forced to serve a brother for the night.
- I could use a servant.
- You guys, it's not supposed to be fun, or sexual,
for the pledges anyway.
It's supposed to be completely humiliating and degrading.
- Hot.
- Chuck?
Is that you?
- Oh shit.
Beverly, hi.
- Hey.
- Ah shut up Luke, you came already.
You still taste so good.
What are you doing back in town?
- Uh oh.
- So yeah brothers,
our plans fell through,
and it looks like we're gonna need a place to crash,
just for tonight.
- Of course, buddy.
Since the pledges are all scattered around,
we've got plenty of space.
- Good, because I want to get this hunk back in the sack.
- Oh Beverly.
You old slut.
- I like what I like.
- Can we get a separate room?
Matt and I?
- Of course, dudes.
Hey, tell you what,
some of the pledges have been pretty disobedient.
Why don't you each take one to be your servant tonight?
- Really?
- Sure, whatever you need, they'll do it.
They'll treat you with the same respect
they would their elder brothers.
- Yeah, we'll flip a coin
to see what pledge gets to serve you.
- No need, I'll take the brown-eyed one,
and the curly-haired one in the bathroom.
- And of course, Rod can come with us too.
- You want one, Chuck?
- Naw, I think he's got his hands full,
of me.
- Oh I'll bet he will.
I'll bet he will.
- Hey dude, don't be afraid
to do whatever you want to the pledges.
It's part of their ordeal,
and remember, it's not gay if it's your dick getting sucked.
- It's not gay.
- Thanks broseph, I'll remember that.
- Oh yeah, and there's condoms in the dresser drawer.
But only use them if you need them.
- These boys will stop at nothing,
they are ruthless.
Poor Rod.
We have to find you.
- Joann.
I'm sorry, we have done a search of all the hotels,
motels, hostels, flop houses, and bed and breakfasts,
in a 200 mile radius.
Those jizz jockeys are nowhere to be found.
- And you've got your eye on the airports,
the bus depots, and the train stations?
- Of course.
- We are going to find them.
Believe you me.
They have kidnapped Officer Pence,
and they will pay for that.
- They also shot you.
- Don't tell me what to be angry about, Lester!
- Yes, ma'am.
Sorry ma'am.
- Well Rod, where have they taken you?
(grunting)
- Now kiss bitches.
(playful jazz music)
- What's the matter, Rod?
You want to join in?
- No.
- You sure?
We'll untie you if you help us
by sucking these dudes' dicks.
- Oh, we'll have to ungag him, too.
- I guess so, if he's gonna take a shot or two in the mouth.
- Oh come on Rod, don't be a pussy.
Want to play with us?
- Oh Rod, you're gonna love this.
(sighing)
- Oh Chuck.
It's so good to have you back.
- You too, Beverly.
- You ready to go again?
- Just give me 15 minutes.
I'm not as young as I used to be.
- Oh hey, sorry, I didn't realize Beverly was occupied,
I've got some dank weed.
- Yeah, sorry Luke.
See you tomorrow?
Chucky will be gone by then and we can smoke up
and do that thing you like
with the whipped cream and the bananas.
- Okay, I'll see you tomorrow night, then.
- Honestly, Luke isn't the brightest knife in the drawer
but he eats pussy like a madman
so I'm inclined to forgive him his foibles.
- He's a weirdo.
- You're not jealous are you Chucky?
- Don't call me Chucky.
It's diminutive.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been a bad girl.
Why don't you come over here and let me make it up to you?
- Maybe we could just cuddle?
- All right.
But I want you inside of me in the morning.
- Whatever you say.
As long as it's before 10 a.m.
- Why?
- I mean, whatever, it's no big thing.
- What are you doing back here anyway?
- Well, can you keep a secret?
- Those boots are looking mighty fine, pledge,
mighty fine indeed.
I have an exam coming up pledge,
an exam on Ayn Rand.
Have you read Rand?
- Yes, sir.
- No, you haven't.
You know why?
Because Rand fucking reads you
like the parasite she knows you are.
- I've heard that before, sir.
- I used to jack off to Rand, pledge.
Not her philosophy, just her.
Her eyes, her pantsuits.
Holy fuck she was something,
and that's when I started to read her books.
And then I realized, Ayn Rand's words alone
make my dick rock hard.
Have you read the Fountainhead?
- Yes, sir.
- The Fountainhead is about the tip of my penis.
It's about the tip of all of our penises.
Is it penises, or peen-eye?
- It's cock, sir.
- What's that?
- It's cock,
big, bludgeoning, beautifully objectivist cock.
- Makes you hard, doesn't it?
- Your boots are done.
- So they are.
Is there anything I can help you with?
- I'm writing an essay, required, on The Maltese Falcon,
John Huston, 1941.
- Yep, great film.
And?
For me, I feel the film would be better, smoother,
if the character of Kasper Gutman,
portrayed by Sydney Greenstreet,
was replaced with Lex Luthor,
portrayed by Kevin Spacey from Superman Returns, 2006.
That's the subject of my essay,
but Professor Denton rejected it, whole cloth.
- You're a film major, aren't you pledge?
- Yes, sir.
Although I ordinarily refuse to view anything
lensed prior to 1977.
- Why 1977?
- Star Wars.
- Take them and cut them out in little stars,
and he will make a face of heaven so fine,
that all the world will be in love with night,
pay no worship to the garish sun.
Oh I have bought a mansion of love,
but not possessed it.
And though I am sold, not yet enjoyed.
So tedious is this day
as is the night before some festival
to the impatient child that hath new robes
and may not wear them.
(soft funky jazz music)
- 9-1-1.
- Hello?
Uh huh.
You've been kidnapped?
So?
Uh huh.
Ah, I see, let me transfer you to somebody who gives a shit.
Idiot.
- [Operator] 9-1-1, how can we help you?
- Help me, please.
Help me.
- [Operator] Yes, sir.
Please be specific.
Put me through to Joann Cumbersbeck, please.
- [Operator] I don't understand, sir.
- I'm a cop, Officer Rod Pence, I've been kidnapped,
put me through to Joann Cumbersbeck, now.
- [Operator] Yes sir, please hold.
- Hey, what's going on?
- Nothing, nothing, don't worry about me.
- Is that pledge calling his mother?
- Or his girlfriend?
Gonna cry pussy?
- What's going on?
- This pledge is calling his mommy.
- Lame.
- Oh quiet, quiet.
I'm not calling my mother, this is very important.
- [Joann] Rod? Rod? Is that you?
- Joann, Joann, thank God,
I'm naked Joann, they made me do terrible things.
- Oh waa waa, listen to the baby pussy boy.
- Who's Joann, your girlfriend?
- [Joann] Where are you?
- Joann, I'm naked, they made me, they made me.
- [Joann] Rod focus, we will come to find you.
Where are you?
- They took me to some frat house somewhere.
- [Joann] A frat house?
- Yeah, I'm standing here in the middle--
- What the hell is going on in here?
- Pledge, you have been very insubordinate.
At this rate, your never gonna join the frat.
- What? I don't want to join your frat.
- Grab him.
- No, no.
I'm not a pledge!
- Lester, Lester, I need you to trace this call.
I need you to triangulate this location.
I should have known it.
Those faggots were in a frat house.
What in the raging shits is this?
- Drag queen from the club,
name's Pinata Debris.
Wanted to give a statement.
- Thank you, Lester.
You've been too kind.
- What have you got for me?
- Information.
Experience.
Lips for days.
- All right, what can you tell me about frat houses?
- Darling, I believe the plural is frat hice?
(screaming)
- What's going on?
- What's all that noise.
- Is this normal?
- I don't know.
- I don't think so, but it's hell week, who knows?
- Better investigate.
- Wait, you guys are totally straight, right?
- Yes. - Yeah.
- Great.
Make out with each other until we get back.
- No slacking.
(rock guitar music)
- Thank you sir, may I have another.
Thank you sir, may I have another.
Thank you sir, may I have another.
- Hey, what's going on here?
- This pledge tried making contact with the outside world.
He was calling someone named Joann
to try to get him out of this.
- Probably his mother.
- Shut up, pledge.
- Sir, yes sir.
- Joann?
- Must be his partner.
It's okay boys, we'll take charge of him from here.
- And we'll be sure to administer severe punishment.
- Great, because it's about time
for our naked humiliation walk.
Okay pledges, drop 'em.
- Sir, yes sir.
- All right pledges, hands on heads and out the door.
Let's go, single file.
Count 'em off.
- So you really care about this Rod guy, right?
- His name is Officer Pence to you.
- But you really seem to care a lot about him.
Why is that?
- He's a good cop.
He had dreams, you know.
Wanted to be a filmmaker.
- He did?
- Yeah. - Rod?
- Yeah.
He spent five years making a documentary
about ghetto youth in the area,
thought it would win him a Pulitzer.
He had big plans.
- Well then, what happened?
- He lost his NEA funding, and couldn't complete the film.
He had to sell all the footage just to make ends meet.
It all went to some Korean company
that makes crappy videos for karaoke songs.
- Oh, that's why those videos never make any sense.
Wait, I host a karaoke night on Tuesdays.
Could it be?
Is there a video for Angel of the Morning,
where a guy with a mohawk is flipping off the camera?
- That does sound like it.
- Wow.
Are you in love with him?
- Of course not.
Of course not.
We have been dating for six months,
and he hasn't even kissed me yet,
because he's a perfect gentleman.
- No, no, no.
Hands on head, pledges.
That's 20 whacks with the paddle when we get back.
All right boys, we will be taking a brisk tour
of our fair campus.
In our travels we shall visit the library,
the cafeteria, best of all,
the girls' field hockey practice, now again,,
brother Brock.
- I don't know but I've been told.
- I don't know but I've been told.
(muffled)
- If you look between your thighs
- If you look between your thighs
- You can judge them by the size.
- You can judge them by the size.
- Pledge,
you having an internal compass problem here?
That tip is your north star, now you follow it
with the other fuckers.
These are lasting memories that will
be with you the rest of your life,
now start acting like it.
- The diamonds.
- And the tickets.
- Nothing. - Nothing.
What the fuck?
- Nothing, damn it.
This is where Chuck said it would be.
Wait a minute, where's Chuck?
- Chuck?
What happened?
- It was Beverly.
Somehow she got it out of me, all our plans.
And then, after we had sex nine times, I fell asleep.
When I woke up I was tied up like this.
I've been here all night.
- Wait a minute.
The car's gone.
Damn it.
- She took Tulula?
- She took the keys,
she took the tickets,
she took the diamonds,
she took everything.
- Women.
Am I right?
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
- Could you finish untying me please?
- I don't even know if I should, Chuck.
I'm ashamed of you,
being taken in by that common trash.
I knew you were straight,
but I thought you had better taste.
- The wang wants what it wants.
I could never resist a fraternity slut.
(siren approaching)
- Shit, copper cops.
(fast-paced electronic music)
- Shit, what do we do now?
- Okay, you fruits.
We know you're in there.
Come on out with your hands up, and no one gets hurt.
- Chuck, Chuck, it's me, I know you're better than this.
I love you Chuck, I love you!
- Give that to me.
- Can't believe Pinata's helping them.
- I don't know if she's helping them,
so much as trying to get into Chuck's pants again.
- Can I help it if I'm a chick magnet.
- Chick with a dick magnet.
- Chicks with dicks and geese (muffled).
- I'd think you were happy I was going
up the down escalator once in a while.
I mean God bless her.
- It must take her hours to get ready in the morning.
- I just wouldn't have the patience.
- You know I often find that women who aren't real women,
will be more like women than women who are real women.
- Who's to say what's real, anyways?
In a sense everything that we see and hear is real,
so a real woman is real,
no matter the reality of the realness.
- You know I think it was Gertrude Stein that said that.
- [Joann] Faggots, surrender before we come in after you.
- What do we do now?
- Beats me, I've never been in a Mexican standoff before.
- Why does it gotta be Mexican?
That's racist.
- You always say things are racist.
Like that Chinese gift swap
that Danny organized at the club last Christmas?
- That was racist, what does that even mean?
- Guys, cops.
About to storm the frat house, remember?
- Right, yes.
Thoughts?
- We need to get out of here without getting nicked.
We need a diversion.
- Like what?
We have to throw something at them.
That completely pulls their focus,
so that we can get away.
- I have an idea.
- Go on.
- Twinks.
(fast-paced electronic music)
(Rod crying)
(marching drums playing)
- As great as it is to watch you go for gold
in the naked tongue Olympics, we've got new plans for you.
- Sir, yes sir.
- There's a police barricade outside.
We need you two to run out there like mad men,
firing this off at your leisure.
- Sir?
- Look, we're not actually asking you to shoot anybody.
- Unless you want to.
I mean it's probably better
for everyone if you don't, though.
- Right.
We just need you to go outside,
shoot this off into the air,
cause a distraction.
- But, if we do that, won't we get shot?
- Another distraction.
Look, it'll be real easy, okay?
We give you the cue, you run outside,
guns blazing, dicks flapping.
- Wait, you want us to do this naked, sir?
- Could be really awesome.
No better test of manhood.
You two will be the envy of the entire frat.
- Sir, I'm not sure that's a very good idea.
I mean, we're just--
- Pledges don't talk back.
- Sir, yes sir.
- There's nothing to be afraid of boys,
this will be your moment of glory.
You'll be American icons, like Butch and Sundance.
- Who?
- Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
There was a movie?
- Yeah, in the 70's.
- I never saw it sir.
- I saw it, my father was a fan, sir.
- Good pledge, I like you.
- But, Butch Cassidy and Sundance,
at the end of the film, they died sir.
- Spoilers!
- That's not the point, we're gonna get shot.
- Kids these days.
I remember when I was your age,
when a macho older man asked you to do something
you weren't sure about,
you just held your breath and you went for it.
- That's the problem with these fuckin' millennials.
Nobody's ready to get a rage hard on anymore.
- It's all blah blah blah,
I don't want to have butt sex with anyone I don't know.
- Waa waa, I don't want to have sex
at a donkey show in Mexico.
- Babe, what's it with you and Mexico today?
- I'm just saying.
- You guys are a real mess, you know that?
- You should see us at hot buffet night at The Eagle.
- The Eagle.
- Take the gun, pledge.
- I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this.
- You need to gather a little courage,
a little spunk.
I believe in you.
Jesus these kids are too timid.
Don't we have any drugs for them or something
to amp the heart up?
This is a frat house after all, right?
Some coke to get the heart going?
- Um, there might be some amyl nitrate in the basement.
- Amyl nitrate?
You mean poppers?
I thought you said nothing about this place was gay?
- It's not.
They use it clean the VCR.
- You still have a VCR?
- Is that where you watch
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Twinks?
- Hey, fuck you both, it's a classic.
- Okay now you,
your little buddy here is scared.
Now, I want you to take this gun,
don't shoot it.
Point it up in the air.
I just want you to run around here shouting.
Show me what you can do.
- Sir, yes sir.
Yabba dabba doo!
- Good, now give me the gun.
- Sir, do I have to?
- Yes, you have to.
You'll be great.
You're gonna take this gun, kid.
You got this.
- I can.
I will.
(gun discharging) (pledges screaming)
- Was that a gun shot?
- No, that was me.
I had Burrito Box for lunch.
- Yeah, I noticed.
But those gay boys still have their weapons.
And in case they are planning some kind of Mexican standoff,
we had better be ready.
- Why's it gotta be Mexican?
- I just love Burrito Box.
- I'm sorry sir.
I'm sorry sir.
It was a mistake.
- This was a stupid idea anyway.
- No one likes a dude who's premature, kid.
Oh and, go back to kissing,
both of you.
And this time rub your dicks together,
see if you can start a fire.
- Yes sir.
- Okay, they're gone.
- That was a huge waste of time.
- I should have known better.
Never send a bottom when you need a top.
- Hey.
- That doesn't apply to you, stud.
- Damn right it doesn't.
- I should have said never send a boy when you need a man.
- I need a man.
- Any men in here have any bright ideas?
- Pinata's out there with the cops.
She can't be working with them.
Can we use that to our advantage somehow?
- Maybe we can have her make a distraction for us.
Maybe we can get a message to her somehow?
- I could text her, I've got her number on my cell.
In case I ever needed a booty call.
- Who knew that all it took took to get you in bed
was a cheap dress and a wig.
- I just wouldn't have the patience.
- My cell phone's in my pants in the other room.
- Perfect, let's do this.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
- You must be Rod.
Darling, I'm a huge fan of your work.
- Thank you?
- Denada.
Pinata.
- Oh, sorry I don't speak Spanish.
- Que las tima.
(cell phone notification)
Bye.
- Sure thing stud, I'll do it for 15 dick pics.
- She's a thirsty girl.
- We don't have time for this.
- Right now?
Kind of in a rush.
- Okay then, five now, the next 10 at your leisure.
- Jesus Christ, just give her what she wants.
- What, just whip it out?
- You've never taken a dick pic before?
- No, I usually rely on my pecs to seal the deal.
It's an in-person thing,
sexting is so cold and distant.
- What are you doing?
No, that's a bad angle.
- And the lighting is terrible
if you just shoot into your pants like that.
- Well excuse me,
I'm not a professional cock photographer.
- A cock-tographer.
- Just give me the phone.
I dabbled in photography,
a little bit when I was in college.
Matt, get the lights.
Chuck, drop those pants.
- Give me an angry tiger.
- Give it me baby.
Give it to me baby,
yeah the camera loves you.
- Give a little love to the right one too.
- Holy shit, we're gonna need a bigger lens.
(sighing)
- Sometimes there's cock,
so quickly.
God speed you gorgeous queer boys.
(upbeat pop music)
♪ Get up and dance ♪
♪ Get up and dance ♪
♪ Get up and dance ♪
- That's it.
We can just leave right now.
If we get naked we can go blend in
with the other naked pledges,
and the cops won't know who is who.
- But then how would we get our clothes
to go find Beverly?
- We can just throw our clothes out the back window.
Let's sneak out another way.
We've got this.
- I am the law mister, and the law is not mocked.
- Actually, through a university loophole,
only campus law extends to this frat house,
and we are free to do whatever we like on this property.
- I'm hunting down a fugitive,
and you are obstructing a police investigation.
- I am a fraternity brother, and I will not be mocked.
♪ Get up and dance ♪
- Hey, those guys shouldn't be naked.
♪ Get up and dance ♪
- My car!
- So where are we going?
- Gotta track down Beverly.
- Who's Beverly?
- My ex.
- Where is she, that harlot?
- We don't know.
- But I have a good guess.
If I know Beverly,
she got herself a pumpkin spice latte
and went to get her nails done, and a facial.
- She better not be spending my fucking diamonds
on a face scrub.
- Oh, she sounds terrible.
- She is.
- Then why are we going to see her?
- She stole our diamonds, she stole our plane tickets,
and we're gonna get them back,
and then we're going to Hawaii.
- There's only one place in town
Beverly could be this time of day.
Wonder Spa.
- Hello gentlemen.
Welcome to Wonder Spa,
where every woman is a queen.
How can I help you?
- Yes, we're looking for our friend.
We want to see her,
her name is Beverly.
- I'm sorry sir, but gentlemen are not allowed
inside Wonder Spa.
It's a female-only environment.
- It's cool.
We ain't gentlemen.
- That just may be, but I should have said
that there are no men of any kind
allowed to enter the Wonder Spa.
- Ma'am,
we're gay.
- I'm not.
- Not the point.
- I'm sorry.
You're men, gay, gentle,
whatever, you're men.
- We don't have time for this shit.
- Hold on, Sparky.
Hello Miss.
I'm sure this is all a misunderstanding.
We are so sorry to bother you.
You see, what had happened was,
Miss Beverly texted me and she wanted me
to bring her some
tampons.
It is her time of the month,
and she's leakin' like a ripe peach.
I have them here in my purse.
I'd like to deliver them.
- Well why didn't you say so in the first place?
You can come with me Miss.
Boys, you stay here.
- He he he he he.
- [Pinata] Beverly?
- Yes, who are you?
- Your most flawless nightmare.
- Okay.
- Nobody messes with my boy Chuck, Beverly.
You need to know that.
- Who are you?
- That's not important Beverly.
Where are the diamonds?
- What?
- The diamonds, Beverly.
- Holy fucking shit!
They're right there in my purse.
Just stop.
- Cut it out.
If you tease 'em like that, they'll follow you home.
- Insert witty one-liner here.
I've got 'em boys.
Let's jam.
- You did it?
- Always send a drag queen to do a man's job.
- Ah Pinata.
You're amazing.
- No, you.
- Hawaii.
- Time to surrender rump rangers.
- No guns allowed in Wonder Spa,
where every woman is a queen.
- Give up, or I will waste this hostage.
- What?
- She'll do it.
She's crazy.
- Please do not threaten the clientele of Wonder Spa,
where every woman is a queen.
(screaming)
- God damn it.
(guns firing)
- There is no discharging of any weapons of any caliber
at Wonder Spa, where every woman is a queen.
(heavy metal music)
- She bitch, I do not want to hurt you.
- But I do.
Ow.
- Prepare the hot wax, it's Brazilian time.
- Are you coming with us?
- I guess you will be.
- Hello?
This is Vargas.
I need to put out an APB
on some perps who've blown the scene,
and possibly each other.
Right yes, according to the officers on the scene,
it's a couple of go-go dancers with assless chaps,
and a wanton whore of the evening,
with lips for days.
You know what they say, right?
Luscious lips sink ships.
They do say that.
And from what I understand,
everybody on the scene was going down on each other,
like a god damn Titanic.
I'm talking bullets and blowjobs everywhere man.
We need these criminals found.
What do you mean, where was I?
I was in the god damn bathroom.
You ever use the bathroom?
You try living on a diet of stale donuts,
and bargain basement black coffee.
But that's life in the precinct,
life on the beat.
Do you know who you're talking to?
I have seen some shit man, some shit.
You know what?
I don't have to listen to this from you.
You go get those jockstrap motherfuckers,
and stop wasting my time.
Cut to the god damn credits.
(upbeat jazz music)
(faint rock music)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I think I love you.
- I know.
and thank you all for coming tonight to
The Bigg Club, where men meet boys.
It's spelled M-E-A-T,
that's an auditory pun people,
and yes, the management makes me do it every time.
- Bring on the boys.
- Yes, yes, sweetheart, any moment now.
Aren't you feisty?
You're exactly how I like my men,
drunk and desperate.
Come talk to me after the show next time, why don't ya?
The name's Pinata Debris,
and I am pleased to welcome to the stage, Joey and Matt.
(hip hop music)
♪ Get fucked up yeah ♪
♪ Repoke to the next loco yo ♪
♪ Put your hands up yeah ♪
♪ Baby that's the stuff, that's the stuff ♪
♪ And we in the club ♪
♪ That's that ass and all the club ♪
♪ Call us in we break the seal ♪
♪ Hear about pop while the ladies drop ♪
♪ Lose control while we in the zone ♪
♪ Fellas take a glance while the ladies dance ♪
♪ Put your hands high, say I'm fly ♪
♪ We fly tonight, we get it right ♪
♪ We livin' life ♪
♪ It's all at night ♪
♪ We get it right, we live it like ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about it forget about it ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about it forget about it ♪
(lyrics muffled)
♪ Tell me things tell me things ♪
♪ You tell me, we do the damn thing ♪
♪ Drop bottles till we piss champagne ♪
♪ Forget your worries forget your pain ♪
♪ Gonna stay till the party ends ♪
♪ All I need is a bottle and some friends ♪
♪ Show starts when I walk in ♪
♪ It's all at night, we get it right ♪
♪ We livin' life ♪
♪ It's all at night, we get it right ♪
♪ We livin' life ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about it forget about it ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about it forget about it ♪
♪ This drink is strong, your ass is wrong ♪
♪ And I'm a take you home ♪
♪ But now we digging cup ♪
♪ Blood where your body sunk ♪
♪ And the way these speakers ♪
♪ It's all at night, we get it right ♪
♪ We livin' life ♪
♪ It's all at night, we get it right ♪
♪ We livin' life ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about it, forget about it ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about, it forget about it ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about it, forget about it ♪
♪ I don't want to think I just want to drink ♪
♪ Forget about it, forget about it ♪
- Hey Chuck, what's you doing?
- Just watching the show.
- You never watch the other guys.
- Yeah well, tonight I am.
- You like girls.
Like me.
- You ain't a girl.
- How dare you?
Well you weren't so picky
while I was sucking you off last fortnight.
I would report you to HR for sexual harassment
and misgendering me,
if there were such a thing as HR in this dump of a place.
- Look,
buzz off.
I'm waiting to see something here.
- Fine, but don't say I never blew nothin' for ya.
(upbeat jazz music)
- Hi Matt.
- Hi ya Clive.
Now you know I said the cute ones don't have to tip.
- Ah, you're so nice.
You're so much nicer than the other dancers.
- I don't know that that's true.
- I think it's true.
The other guys don't have the same spark as you.
- Thanks.
You know what Clive?
I think you should go home.
- Go home?
It's not even midnight.
- Yes, but believe me, it's pumpkin time for you.
Trust me, go, now,
and you'll see why tomorrow.
- All right, if you say so Matt.
- I do.
Here.
- All right, I'll go, I'll go.
Night night.
- Night night, termite.
(snorting)
- God Danny, are you doing coke again?
What is this, 1986?
- What do you want, Pinata?
- I was just gonna say it's my birthday next month,
and I was wondering if I could have
a special birthday show here?
- Special birthday show?
Like what?
- You know, like singing, dancing.
- No, girl, when people come to Bigg's
we offer them one thing,
hot guys in nothing but jock straps.
- But I can offer them magic and illusion.
- Face it kid, the slogan here is where men meet--
- Where men meet boys, I know.
- You're not a man.
You're not a boy.
- I'm not a girl, not yet a woman.
- Exactly, you're a fine host,
but you're not the selling point.
People come here to see hot guys,
that's the meal.
Anything else, like you, is garnish.
- How dare you?
Are you calling me parsley?
- If the herb fits.
(upbeat jazz music)
- Everybody freeze.
- Hello gentlemen, and others.
- You know Pinata, that joke never worked.
Ladies, ladies, and others?
All that's left is men,
and I have had enough of men.
Now, in case you haven't figured this out yet,
this is a motherfuckin' robbery.
Our associate Chuck's gonna go around the room,
like we do when we're dancing here,
but, instead of giving us your money,
you're gonna give us your clothes.
Put 'em in the bag, wallets, cell phones, everything.
You first.
(upbeat jazz music)
- Police department, this is Vargas.
If it's not homicide, I'm not interested.
That's dangerous.
A robbery you say?
Armed?
I see, now you're talking my language.
The heat of battle, the smell of the flintlock,
this is where men are forged.
None of this light felony, foo foo,
hypno skeleton bullshit.
I'm talking the rage of battle,
the heat of a thousand suns.
What was that?
Hostages?
Sorry, I was in the middle of a sexual fantasy.
Where was this again?
Strip club?
Sweet luscious tits of innocence.
Those hardworking girls never hurt anybody.
Why they are merely providing a public good,
and to take advantage of that is truly a heinous act of--
What?
What do you mean they're not girls,
you said this was a strip club.
I see, no no, there's nothing wrong with
doing things the gay way.
As an ass man myself,
I can appreciate the appreciation.
Two luscious hunks of ham,
squeezed together over a forbidden point of entry.
It's enough to make the mind wander.
In fact, it reminds me--
Huh? How many hostages?
Um, I think I'd better transfer your call to dispatch,
there may be a closer car,
and in these times of ass-driven violence,
time is of the essence.
Hold please.
Now it's time to go hide in the bathroom
and forget this ever happened.
Ain't no way I'm gonna get my clothes
covered in the stench of blood and cum,
for the second time tonight.
- [Dispatcher] Six six henry.
- You know Rod,
there comes a time in every little girl's life,
when she dreams about her wedding day.
- In this hypothetical, am I the little girl?
- No, no Rod, I am the little girl.
You are the little boy.
This is our little wedding.
- Oh.
- It's time we get hitched.
- Huh?
- [Dispatcher] All cars in the immediate area,
we have a 211 in progress at the Bigg Club.
- Oh, I know where that is.
Take a right on Washington, and a left on Empire.
- Good, this is why I keep you around.
Now, let's go mow down some faggots motherfucker.
- What's going on?
- Look, it's our erstwhile boss, Danny.
For years we've been working for him,
and not only has he been not paying us a living wage,
he's been skimming our tips for his cocaine habit.
Haven't you, Danny?
- How do you know?
(sniffing)
No, no of course not.
- Well Danny, I think you should
put on a little show for your patrons.
You've always been backstage,
now it's your turn in the spotlight.
Up on the stage, strip.
- What? Are you kidding me?
- Twerk.
Charleston.
Macarena.
(sirens approaching)
- Copper cops,
copper cops.
- Shit.
How are we doing?
- That's everyone's shit, let's blow.
- Out of the way.
- Freeze.
(gun firing)
- Hey!
- You won't get away with this.
- I kinda think we will.
What's your name, handsome?
- Rod, it's Rod.
- Oh, that was a good one.
You're coming with us, Rod.
- Someone stop them!
- You have the right to remain silent.
- Oh look at me, I'm a police officer.
- Chuck!
Take me with you.
I love you.
- Can't babe, sorry.
Nothing personal.
- Get off of me, I am going to get those brazen, faggots,
if it is the last thing that I do.
Motherfuckers!
♪ I'm on a fucked up fruitless mission ♪
♪ I'm not thinking I'm going to jail ♪
♪ But bad luck never fails ♪
♪ It's got be dropped on my tail ♪
♪ Would you please post my bail ♪
♪ This is it no turning back ♪
♪ Got a monkey on my back ♪
♪ He's got a hair across his eye ♪
♪ About to fall on my glass ♪
♪ I'm not thinking I'm going to jail ♪
♪ But bad luck never fails ♪
- I understand, you think it's fun and games,
this kidnapping a cap.
It does happen once a week.
Stop it.
I have to pay for that badge.
- When's the next turn?
- It's coming up in two miles.
- Here that Tulula?
We're almost there.
- Straight men and their cars.
I'll never understand it.
- Where are you taking me?
Stop trying to take off my shirt.
- We are headed to Chuck's old frat house,
aren't we Chuck?
- Delta Iota Kappa.
- Yeah, remember dudes,
you can't blow up my spot.
I'm so respected there.
I'm a brother, proud Delta.
- Yeah, yeah, you told us.
- Chuck, what's it like in a frat house anyway?
I've heard stories.
- Probably not as entertaining as we think.
- Or hope.
- No, it was great.
Got all the pussy I wanted when I was a Delta.
- Gross, pussy's gross.
Right Rod?
- Stop it.
Stop it, stop it.
- You know, I like that you don't shave your chest Rod.
I always say manscaping is a crime against real men.
- I always say manscaping is for heteros.
Women like smooth men.
Real men like real men.
- You know what we mean, Rod?
- Stop it, stop it.
- Hey, hey, hey, those are my pants.
- Quiet Rod, or I will have to gag you.
- Do it anyway, I'm tired of his whining.
- Things like that.
- You know, I watched this documentary
about fraternity life.
It was quite eye-opening.
- Yeah, what was it called?
- Frat Fuckhouse Volume 17.
- 17?
- Yeah, I hadn't seen one through 16,
but you could follow the story pretty easily.
It was mostly butt sex.
- I'm serious you guys.
I don't want anyone at the frat
to know what we're doing there.
- You mean you don't want them knowing
what you do for a living?
Shaking those cakes for thirsty men?
- That too.
We're just gonna get in there,
get the diamonds and the plane vouchers,
and we are on our way to Hawaii.
- Fun in the sun.
- I can't wait to make out with you on the beach.
Why are we stopping?
- [Chuck] We need gas.
- [Matt] Great, okay you stay here with Rod
so that he doesn't get away,
and we're gonna go in and get some snacks.
- Uh, hi.
- Hi, Carol, is it?
- Yeah, how did you know?
- Your name tag, Carol.
- Oh, of course, how inane of me.
- Hey you see our friend outside gassing up our car?
- Yes, he is also not wearing a shirt.
- You're very astute, Carol.
- Hey Joey, you want a soft drink?
- Naw man, I don't like nothin' soft.
Look Carol, can I call you sometime?
- Why?
- Who knows?
Live a little.
If you're shy, you can call me.
Give me your cell phone and I'll put in my number.
- You want all of this?
- Well my grandmother always says,
it's better to have it and not need it,
than to need it and not have it.
You never know when a Twinkie will come in handy.
- I guess that's true.
- Don't call right away.
Desperation is never attractive.
- Let me ring you up.
- I'm afraid that won't be necessary.
- Damn it.
Your criminals, on the lam?
- 'Fraid so, Carol.
- Can I come with you?
I'm really handy to have around.
- Oh Carol, come here.
- Oh what the heck?
- Sorry hon.
- Well you don't have to rub it in.
- And then they made me strip down in front of everyone,
pants down,
underpants down,
everything.
- Yes, I understand.
- I mean everyone saw my schmeckle.
- Yes I know, I was there.
I saw it too.
- Oh my God.
- Now, you brought the surveillance footage with you.
- Yes.
Here.
When Joey pantsed me up there,
that was the most humiliating moment of my life.
- Yes, I'm sure.
Lester stop, stop bandaging me,
and put this on the big screen.
- But your arm?
- It can wait, Officer Pence is in trouble.
- Yes, ma'am.
Sorry, ma'am.
- All right, fast forward,
we need about 11:30, that's when it all went down, right?
- Right?
- Nope, too late, that's me, go back.
- That's them there, that's Joey, and Matt.
- Lovers?
- I think so.
- You think so?
- Well, they're not exactly monogamous,
but I think they hump on a regular basis.
- Interesting.
- Then there's the third one, that's Chuck.
- And who's he fucking?
- I don't know, I think he's mostly straight.
- Mostly straight?
What does that mean?
- Well, I mean, I don't go for guys myself,
but in the dark I'll catch a gray, you know what I mean?
- No.
- As Gertrude Stein said,
a mouth is a mouth is a mouth.
- Gertrude Stein.
- What I'm trying to say is,
getting your dick wet is getting your dick wet.
- Oh.
- All right, enough of the crap, pay attention.
- Oh God that's me, turn it off, turn it off.
- Yeah Lester, shut it down.
- I'm trying.
- Oh my God.
- Sorry, I'm sorry.
- Hey Joann, I have the--
Oh my God.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll be back later.
- I got lunch for everyone and--
God I hope he's a grower.
- You can stop bawling,
it's not that small.
- Maybe we should have called before?
- No it's all good.
I'm a brother here,
and we brothers have to offer each other hospitality.
It's in our code.
- Wait a minute.
A little conspicuous don't you think?
- It's okay, I made one.
Here, handsome.
It matches your eyes.
- Hey, brother Chuck.
Deltas!
- In the flesh, brother Hunter.
Wanted to come by for a quick visit to the old house,
show it off to my new friends.
You mind?
- Oh, of course not brother.
Mi casa es su casa, you know that.
Come on in fellas.
You've gotta see the place man,
we have not improved a thing.
Hey, dudes.
Look, brother Chuck.
You remember him?
- Yeah, up Chuck.
How's it hangin'?
- Haven't seen you since you graduated, bro.
- Yeah, what the fuck is up man?
- Hey guys, good to see you all again.
These are my bros, Matt and Joey.
They wanted to come by and see the old place,
I talked about it so much.
- And I see you brought along a pledge.
- Pledge?
- This is Rod.
- I'm a hostage.
- Kidder.
- Good to see you want to keep the old traditions alive.
- How do we know this isn't some kind of trick?
Who are these strangers?
Maybe they're plants from Beta Upsilon Tau.
- How dare you?
Our rivals?
I am a proud Delta, just like you all.
- Surely we can trust old Up Chuck?
Remember, when he drank 37 beers the night
before the fraternity carnival?
- We lost to the Betas that year,
because he was too hung over for the wrestling competition.
Maybe he's been deep undercover all along.
- What's going on brothers?
Why are you so suspicious?
- It's time we leveled with you Chuck.
We are basically all that's left of Delta Iota Kappa.
- What?
The three of you?
- Yeah, and Luke.
He's busy in the other room, banging the frat house slut.
- Frat house slut.
- How did this happen?
- Well some people thought our frat hazing
from last year got a little out of hand.
- Out of hand?
- Yeah, some pledge almost drowned
when we made him three laps in the pool,
with a lit candle sticking out of his ass.
- [Frat Bro] And, in our defense,
it was hilarious at the time.
- But those bastards at Beta Upsilon Tau
reported us to the college administration.
So now we, are on probation
until we can get our act together.
- Hey brother Hunter, question.
- What's up Up Chuck?
- Why is the rooster naked?
- Why wouldn't he be?
I mean just look at him.
- It's our mascot.
- Those Betas are always trying
to get their hands on Delta cock.
- They're gonna take me back to the frat,
and do unspeakable things to me.
I don't want to do unspeakable things to their frat.
Only here, Delta for life!
- Deltas!
- No no no, we not gonna do unspeakable things,
I mean, normally, maybe,
but this time, we're going right to the Dean.
You guys are hazing again,
and now Delta Iota Kappa is over.
- Yeah, over.
- So help me God.
If you touch one vein on that beautiful cock.
- Allow us.
(heavy metal music)
- Here comes the secret Delta Iota Kappa handshake.
- Secret handshake.
- Whoo!
- I guess we can trust these guys.
- Absolutely yes, Joey, Matt,
I hereby call you honorary members
of the Delta Iota Kappa fraternity.
- Thank you.
- What about this one now?
Your pledge?
- Pledge.
- Yeah, you guessed it bud,
this guy never really had the true frat experience,
so we thought we'd do a little hazing.
- Well that's perfect.
It's hell week for our pledges, right now.
- Hell week?
But I thought you said you were on probation
because of your hazing?
- Well yeah, but that doesn't mean
we're gonna break with tradition.
- Well shit, yeah.
That's why we brought this guy along, hell week.
I just wanted to show him around a little.
- All right pledge, are you ready to join this fraternity?
- No.
- Well, you don't deserve it.
- Dance monkey.
- Classic.
All right, let's put him with the others.
- Wait, the others?
- Like I told you, it's hell week, baby.
And you know what happens to pledges on hell week.
Now I don't remember telling you you could stop dancing.
Drop the shoulders.
A little bit of movement.
- This one's sleeping in here tonight, right boy?
- Sorry, yes sir.
- Oh, pathetic pledges,
sleeping in here.
- Why am I erect?
- And these lucky gents get the comfy bed,
but have to go totally nude, wrapped up together.
You'll totally be fags for each other
by tomorrow morning, I bet.
Right pledge?
- Sir, yes sir.
- Where do you want to put yours, brother Chuck?
- Uh, let me confer with my associates.
Just a moment.
- What's wrong?
- Guys, shouldn't we worry about?
- No, that's Luke.
He's just boning, he won't notice anything.
Joey, Matt, we have a problem.
- What is it?
- The diamonds and the plane tickets are in that bed.
That's where I hid them,
underneath those naked pledges.
- Shit.
- Okay so, what does that mean?
- It means we can't get to them until 10 in the morning
when they take the pledges
for their naked run through the streets.
I forgot it was gonna be hell week this time of year,
but I still remember how it works.
- Okay, then now what?
Oh wait, did you say, naked pledges?
- Okay, look guys, this is not a disaster,
not at all, all right.
Okay Chuck, can your frat brothers
put us up here for the night?
- Of course.
- Okay, good.
Cops won't think to look for us here.
No one will.
We get to wait out here the rest of the night,
and in the morning, grab the shit and get out of this town.
Even better, we can get some shut-eye
and be fresh for our trip.
- Works for me.
- Great.
- Hey Chuck,
did you have to go through this pledging stuff?
Were you tied up naked with a bunch of other dudes?
- Yeah.
- Uh, how do I put this delicately?
- Did you have to fuck another dude?
- Wait, fucked?
Oh God, you got fucked, didn't you?
Oh you liked it.
- Not me, but some poor bastards did.
I was lucky.
I only had to give another pledge a hand job.
- Hot.
- No, when you're pledging you have to do
what every brother tells you.
- Sounds pretty gay to me.
- It's not gay, it's discipline.
- Hot.
- If a pledge mouths off or whatever
they can be forced to serve a brother for the night.
- I could use a servant.
- You guys, it's not supposed to be fun, or sexual,
for the pledges anyway.
It's supposed to be completely humiliating and degrading.
- Hot.
- Chuck?
Is that you?
- Oh shit.
Beverly, hi.
- Hey.
- Ah shut up Luke, you came already.
You still taste so good.
What are you doing back in town?
- Uh oh.
- So yeah brothers,
our plans fell through,
and it looks like we're gonna need a place to crash,
just for tonight.
- Of course, buddy.
Since the pledges are all scattered around,
we've got plenty of space.
- Good, because I want to get this hunk back in the sack.
- Oh Beverly.
You old slut.
- I like what I like.
- Can we get a separate room?
Matt and I?
- Of course, dudes.
Hey, tell you what,
some of the pledges have been pretty disobedient.
Why don't you each take one to be your servant tonight?
- Really?
- Sure, whatever you need, they'll do it.
They'll treat you with the same respect
they would their elder brothers.
- Yeah, we'll flip a coin
to see what pledge gets to serve you.
- No need, I'll take the brown-eyed one,
and the curly-haired one in the bathroom.
- And of course, Rod can come with us too.
- You want one, Chuck?
- Naw, I think he's got his hands full,
of me.
- Oh I'll bet he will.
I'll bet he will.
- Hey dude, don't be afraid
to do whatever you want to the pledges.
It's part of their ordeal,
and remember, it's not gay if it's your dick getting sucked.
- It's not gay.
- Thanks broseph, I'll remember that.
- Oh yeah, and there's condoms in the dresser drawer.
But only use them if you need them.
- These boys will stop at nothing,
they are ruthless.
Poor Rod.
We have to find you.
- Joann.
I'm sorry, we have done a search of all the hotels,
motels, hostels, flop houses, and bed and breakfasts,
in a 200 mile radius.
Those jizz jockeys are nowhere to be found.
- And you've got your eye on the airports,
the bus depots, and the train stations?
- Of course.
- We are going to find them.
Believe you me.
They have kidnapped Officer Pence,
and they will pay for that.
- They also shot you.
- Don't tell me what to be angry about, Lester!
- Yes, ma'am.
Sorry ma'am.
- Well Rod, where have they taken you?
(grunting)
- Now kiss bitches.
(playful jazz music)
- What's the matter, Rod?
You want to join in?
- No.
- You sure?
We'll untie you if you help us
by sucking these dudes' dicks.
- Oh, we'll have to ungag him, too.
- I guess so, if he's gonna take a shot or two in the mouth.
- Oh come on Rod, don't be a pussy.
Want to play with us?
- Oh Rod, you're gonna love this.
(sighing)
- Oh Chuck.
It's so good to have you back.
- You too, Beverly.
- You ready to go again?
- Just give me 15 minutes.
I'm not as young as I used to be.
- Oh hey, sorry, I didn't realize Beverly was occupied,
I've got some dank weed.
- Yeah, sorry Luke.
See you tomorrow?
Chucky will be gone by then and we can smoke up
and do that thing you like
with the whipped cream and the bananas.
- Okay, I'll see you tomorrow night, then.
- Honestly, Luke isn't the brightest knife in the drawer
but he eats pussy like a madman
so I'm inclined to forgive him his foibles.
- He's a weirdo.
- You're not jealous are you Chucky?
- Don't call me Chucky.
It's diminutive.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been a bad girl.
Why don't you come over here and let me make it up to you?
- Maybe we could just cuddle?
- All right.
But I want you inside of me in the morning.
- Whatever you say.
As long as it's before 10 a.m.
- Why?
- I mean, whatever, it's no big thing.
- What are you doing back here anyway?
- Well, can you keep a secret?
- Those boots are looking mighty fine, pledge,
mighty fine indeed.
I have an exam coming up pledge,
an exam on Ayn Rand.
Have you read Rand?
- Yes, sir.
- No, you haven't.
You know why?
Because Rand fucking reads you
like the parasite she knows you are.
- I've heard that before, sir.
- I used to jack off to Rand, pledge.
Not her philosophy, just her.
Her eyes, her pantsuits.
Holy fuck she was something,
and that's when I started to read her books.
And then I realized, Ayn Rand's words alone
make my dick rock hard.
Have you read the Fountainhead?
- Yes, sir.
- The Fountainhead is about the tip of my penis.
It's about the tip of all of our penises.
Is it penises, or peen-eye?
- It's cock, sir.
- What's that?
- It's cock,
big, bludgeoning, beautifully objectivist cock.
- Makes you hard, doesn't it?
- Your boots are done.
- So they are.
Is there anything I can help you with?
- I'm writing an essay, required, on The Maltese Falcon,
John Huston, 1941.
- Yep, great film.
And?
For me, I feel the film would be better, smoother,
if the character of Kasper Gutman,
portrayed by Sydney Greenstreet,
was replaced with Lex Luthor,
portrayed by Kevin Spacey from Superman Returns, 2006.
That's the subject of my essay,
but Professor Denton rejected it, whole cloth.
- You're a film major, aren't you pledge?
- Yes, sir.
Although I ordinarily refuse to view anything
lensed prior to 1977.
- Why 1977?
- Star Wars.
- Take them and cut them out in little stars,
and he will make a face of heaven so fine,
that all the world will be in love with night,
pay no worship to the garish sun.
Oh I have bought a mansion of love,
but not possessed it.
And though I am sold, not yet enjoyed.
So tedious is this day
as is the night before some festival
to the impatient child that hath new robes
and may not wear them.
(soft funky jazz music)
- 9-1-1.
- Hello?
Uh huh.
You've been kidnapped?
So?
Uh huh.
Ah, I see, let me transfer you to somebody who gives a shit.
Idiot.
- [Operator] 9-1-1, how can we help you?
- Help me, please.
Help me.
- [Operator] Yes, sir.
Please be specific.
Put me through to Joann Cumbersbeck, please.
- [Operator] I don't understand, sir.
- I'm a cop, Officer Rod Pence, I've been kidnapped,
put me through to Joann Cumbersbeck, now.
- [Operator] Yes sir, please hold.
- Hey, what's going on?
- Nothing, nothing, don't worry about me.
- Is that pledge calling his mother?
- Or his girlfriend?
Gonna cry pussy?
- What's going on?
- This pledge is calling his mommy.
- Lame.
- Oh quiet, quiet.
I'm not calling my mother, this is very important.
- [Joann] Rod? Rod? Is that you?
- Joann, Joann, thank God,
I'm naked Joann, they made me do terrible things.
- Oh waa waa, listen to the baby pussy boy.
- Who's Joann, your girlfriend?
- [Joann] Where are you?
- Joann, I'm naked, they made me, they made me.
- [Joann] Rod focus, we will come to find you.
Where are you?
- They took me to some frat house somewhere.
- [Joann] A frat house?
- Yeah, I'm standing here in the middle--
- What the hell is going on in here?
- Pledge, you have been very insubordinate.
At this rate, your never gonna join the frat.
- What? I don't want to join your frat.
- Grab him.
- No, no.
I'm not a pledge!
- Lester, Lester, I need you to trace this call.
I need you to triangulate this location.
I should have known it.
Those faggots were in a frat house.
What in the raging shits is this?
- Drag queen from the club,
name's Pinata Debris.
Wanted to give a statement.
- Thank you, Lester.
You've been too kind.
- What have you got for me?
- Information.
Experience.
Lips for days.
- All right, what can you tell me about frat houses?
- Darling, I believe the plural is frat hice?
(screaming)
- What's going on?
- What's all that noise.
- Is this normal?
- I don't know.
- I don't think so, but it's hell week, who knows?
- Better investigate.
- Wait, you guys are totally straight, right?
- Yes. - Yeah.
- Great.
Make out with each other until we get back.
- No slacking.
(rock guitar music)
- Thank you sir, may I have another.
Thank you sir, may I have another.
Thank you sir, may I have another.
- Hey, what's going on here?
- This pledge tried making contact with the outside world.
He was calling someone named Joann
to try to get him out of this.
- Probably his mother.
- Shut up, pledge.
- Sir, yes sir.
- Joann?
- Must be his partner.
It's okay boys, we'll take charge of him from here.
- And we'll be sure to administer severe punishment.
- Great, because it's about time
for our naked humiliation walk.
Okay pledges, drop 'em.
- Sir, yes sir.
- All right pledges, hands on heads and out the door.
Let's go, single file.
Count 'em off.
- So you really care about this Rod guy, right?
- His name is Officer Pence to you.
- But you really seem to care a lot about him.
Why is that?
- He's a good cop.
He had dreams, you know.
Wanted to be a filmmaker.
- He did?
- Yeah. - Rod?
- Yeah.
He spent five years making a documentary
about ghetto youth in the area,
thought it would win him a Pulitzer.
He had big plans.
- Well then, what happened?
- He lost his NEA funding, and couldn't complete the film.
He had to sell all the footage just to make ends meet.
It all went to some Korean company
that makes crappy videos for karaoke songs.
- Oh, that's why those videos never make any sense.
Wait, I host a karaoke night on Tuesdays.
Could it be?
Is there a video for Angel of the Morning,
where a guy with a mohawk is flipping off the camera?
- That does sound like it.
- Wow.
Are you in love with him?
- Of course not.
Of course not.
We have been dating for six months,
and he hasn't even kissed me yet,
because he's a perfect gentleman.
- No, no, no.
Hands on head, pledges.
That's 20 whacks with the paddle when we get back.
All right boys, we will be taking a brisk tour
of our fair campus.
In our travels we shall visit the library,
the cafeteria, best of all,
the girls' field hockey practice, now again,,
brother Brock.
- I don't know but I've been told.
- I don't know but I've been told.
(muffled)
- If you look between your thighs
- If you look between your thighs
- You can judge them by the size.
- You can judge them by the size.
- Pledge,
you having an internal compass problem here?
That tip is your north star, now you follow it
with the other fuckers.
These are lasting memories that will
be with you the rest of your life,
now start acting like it.
- The diamonds.
- And the tickets.
- Nothing. - Nothing.
What the fuck?
- Nothing, damn it.
This is where Chuck said it would be.
Wait a minute, where's Chuck?
- Chuck?
What happened?
- It was Beverly.
Somehow she got it out of me, all our plans.
And then, after we had sex nine times, I fell asleep.
When I woke up I was tied up like this.
I've been here all night.
- Wait a minute.
The car's gone.
Damn it.
- She took Tulula?
- She took the keys,
she took the tickets,
she took the diamonds,
she took everything.
- Women.
Am I right?
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
- Could you finish untying me please?
- I don't even know if I should, Chuck.
I'm ashamed of you,
being taken in by that common trash.
I knew you were straight,
but I thought you had better taste.
- The wang wants what it wants.
I could never resist a fraternity slut.
(siren approaching)
- Shit, copper cops.
(fast-paced electronic music)
- Shit, what do we do now?
- Okay, you fruits.
We know you're in there.
Come on out with your hands up, and no one gets hurt.
- Chuck, Chuck, it's me, I know you're better than this.
I love you Chuck, I love you!
- Give that to me.
- Can't believe Pinata's helping them.
- I don't know if she's helping them,
so much as trying to get into Chuck's pants again.
- Can I help it if I'm a chick magnet.
- Chick with a dick magnet.
- Chicks with dicks and geese (muffled).
- I'd think you were happy I was going
up the down escalator once in a while.
I mean God bless her.
- It must take her hours to get ready in the morning.
- I just wouldn't have the patience.
- You know I often find that women who aren't real women,
will be more like women than women who are real women.
- Who's to say what's real, anyways?
In a sense everything that we see and hear is real,
so a real woman is real,
no matter the reality of the realness.
- You know I think it was Gertrude Stein that said that.
- [Joann] Faggots, surrender before we come in after you.
- What do we do now?
- Beats me, I've never been in a Mexican standoff before.
- Why does it gotta be Mexican?
That's racist.
- You always say things are racist.
Like that Chinese gift swap
that Danny organized at the club last Christmas?
- That was racist, what does that even mean?
- Guys, cops.
About to storm the frat house, remember?
- Right, yes.
Thoughts?
- We need to get out of here without getting nicked.
We need a diversion.
- Like what?
We have to throw something at them.
That completely pulls their focus,
so that we can get away.
- I have an idea.
- Go on.
- Twinks.
(fast-paced electronic music)
(Rod crying)
(marching drums playing)
- As great as it is to watch you go for gold
in the naked tongue Olympics, we've got new plans for you.
- Sir, yes sir.
- There's a police barricade outside.
We need you two to run out there like mad men,
firing this off at your leisure.
- Sir?
- Look, we're not actually asking you to shoot anybody.
- Unless you want to.
I mean it's probably better
for everyone if you don't, though.
- Right.
We just need you to go outside,
shoot this off into the air,
cause a distraction.
- But, if we do that, won't we get shot?
- Another distraction.
Look, it'll be real easy, okay?
We give you the cue, you run outside,
guns blazing, dicks flapping.
- Wait, you want us to do this naked, sir?
- Could be really awesome.
No better test of manhood.
You two will be the envy of the entire frat.
- Sir, I'm not sure that's a very good idea.
I mean, we're just--
- Pledges don't talk back.
- Sir, yes sir.
- There's nothing to be afraid of boys,
this will be your moment of glory.
You'll be American icons, like Butch and Sundance.
- Who?
- Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
There was a movie?
- Yeah, in the 70's.
- I never saw it sir.
- I saw it, my father was a fan, sir.
- Good pledge, I like you.
- But, Butch Cassidy and Sundance,
at the end of the film, they died sir.
- Spoilers!
- That's not the point, we're gonna get shot.
- Kids these days.
I remember when I was your age,
when a macho older man asked you to do something
you weren't sure about,
you just held your breath and you went for it.
- That's the problem with these fuckin' millennials.
Nobody's ready to get a rage hard on anymore.
- It's all blah blah blah,
I don't want to have butt sex with anyone I don't know.
- Waa waa, I don't want to have sex
at a donkey show in Mexico.
- Babe, what's it with you and Mexico today?
- I'm just saying.
- You guys are a real mess, you know that?
- You should see us at hot buffet night at The Eagle.
- The Eagle.
- Take the gun, pledge.
- I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this.
- You need to gather a little courage,
a little spunk.
I believe in you.
Jesus these kids are too timid.
Don't we have any drugs for them or something
to amp the heart up?
This is a frat house after all, right?
Some coke to get the heart going?
- Um, there might be some amyl nitrate in the basement.
- Amyl nitrate?
You mean poppers?
I thought you said nothing about this place was gay?
- It's not.
They use it clean the VCR.
- You still have a VCR?
- Is that where you watch
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Twinks?
- Hey, fuck you both, it's a classic.
- Okay now you,
your little buddy here is scared.
Now, I want you to take this gun,
don't shoot it.
Point it up in the air.
I just want you to run around here shouting.
Show me what you can do.
- Sir, yes sir.
Yabba dabba doo!
- Good, now give me the gun.
- Sir, do I have to?
- Yes, you have to.
You'll be great.
You're gonna take this gun, kid.
You got this.
- I can.
I will.
(gun discharging) (pledges screaming)
- Was that a gun shot?
- No, that was me.
I had Burrito Box for lunch.
- Yeah, I noticed.
But those gay boys still have their weapons.
And in case they are planning some kind of Mexican standoff,
we had better be ready.
- Why's it gotta be Mexican?
- I just love Burrito Box.
- I'm sorry sir.
I'm sorry sir.
It was a mistake.
- This was a stupid idea anyway.
- No one likes a dude who's premature, kid.
Oh and, go back to kissing,
both of you.
And this time rub your dicks together,
see if you can start a fire.
- Yes sir.
- Okay, they're gone.
- That was a huge waste of time.
- I should have known better.
Never send a bottom when you need a top.
- Hey.
- That doesn't apply to you, stud.
- Damn right it doesn't.
- I should have said never send a boy when you need a man.
- I need a man.
- Any men in here have any bright ideas?
- Pinata's out there with the cops.
She can't be working with them.
Can we use that to our advantage somehow?
- Maybe we can have her make a distraction for us.
Maybe we can get a message to her somehow?
- I could text her, I've got her number on my cell.
In case I ever needed a booty call.
- Who knew that all it took took to get you in bed
was a cheap dress and a wig.
- I just wouldn't have the patience.
- My cell phone's in my pants in the other room.
- Perfect, let's do this.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
- You must be Rod.
Darling, I'm a huge fan of your work.
- Thank you?
- Denada.
Pinata.
- Oh, sorry I don't speak Spanish.
- Que las tima.
(cell phone notification)
Bye.
- Sure thing stud, I'll do it for 15 dick pics.
- She's a thirsty girl.
- We don't have time for this.
- Right now?
Kind of in a rush.
- Okay then, five now, the next 10 at your leisure.
- Jesus Christ, just give her what she wants.
- What, just whip it out?
- You've never taken a dick pic before?
- No, I usually rely on my pecs to seal the deal.
It's an in-person thing,
sexting is so cold and distant.
- What are you doing?
No, that's a bad angle.
- And the lighting is terrible
if you just shoot into your pants like that.
- Well excuse me,
I'm not a professional cock photographer.
- A cock-tographer.
- Just give me the phone.
I dabbled in photography,
a little bit when I was in college.
Matt, get the lights.
Chuck, drop those pants.
- Give me an angry tiger.
- Give it me baby.
Give it to me baby,
yeah the camera loves you.
- Give a little love to the right one too.
- Holy shit, we're gonna need a bigger lens.
(sighing)
- Sometimes there's cock,
so quickly.
God speed you gorgeous queer boys.
(upbeat pop music)
♪ Get up and dance ♪
♪ Get up and dance ♪
♪ Get up and dance ♪
- That's it.
We can just leave right now.
If we get naked we can go blend in
with the other naked pledges,
and the cops won't know who is who.
- But then how would we get our clothes
to go find Beverly?
- We can just throw our clothes out the back window.
Let's sneak out another way.
We've got this.
- I am the law mister, and the law is not mocked.
- Actually, through a university loophole,
only campus law extends to this frat house,
and we are free to do whatever we like on this property.
- I'm hunting down a fugitive,
and you are obstructing a police investigation.
- I am a fraternity brother, and I will not be mocked.
♪ Get up and dance ♪
- Hey, those guys shouldn't be naked.
♪ Get up and dance ♪
- My car!
- So where are we going?
- Gotta track down Beverly.
- Who's Beverly?
- My ex.
- Where is she, that harlot?
- We don't know.
- But I have a good guess.
If I know Beverly,
she got herself a pumpkin spice latte
and went to get her nails done, and a facial.
- She better not be spending my fucking diamonds
on a face scrub.
- Oh, she sounds terrible.
- She is.
- Then why are we going to see her?
- She stole our diamonds, she stole our plane tickets,
and we're gonna get them back,
and then we're going to Hawaii.
- There's only one place in town
Beverly could be this time of day.
Wonder Spa.
- Hello gentlemen.
Welcome to Wonder Spa,
where every woman is a queen.
How can I help you?
- Yes, we're looking for our friend.
We want to see her,
her name is Beverly.
- I'm sorry sir, but gentlemen are not allowed
inside Wonder Spa.
It's a female-only environment.
- It's cool.
We ain't gentlemen.
- That just may be, but I should have said
that there are no men of any kind
allowed to enter the Wonder Spa.
- Ma'am,
we're gay.
- I'm not.
- Not the point.
- I'm sorry.
You're men, gay, gentle,
whatever, you're men.
- We don't have time for this shit.
- Hold on, Sparky.
Hello Miss.
I'm sure this is all a misunderstanding.
We are so sorry to bother you.
You see, what had happened was,
Miss Beverly texted me and she wanted me
to bring her some
tampons.
It is her time of the month,
and she's leakin' like a ripe peach.
I have them here in my purse.
I'd like to deliver them.
- Well why didn't you say so in the first place?
You can come with me Miss.
Boys, you stay here.
- He he he he he.
- [Pinata] Beverly?
- Yes, who are you?
- Your most flawless nightmare.
- Okay.
- Nobody messes with my boy Chuck, Beverly.
You need to know that.
- Who are you?
- That's not important Beverly.
Where are the diamonds?
- What?
- The diamonds, Beverly.
- Holy fucking shit!
They're right there in my purse.
Just stop.
- Cut it out.
If you tease 'em like that, they'll follow you home.
- Insert witty one-liner here.
I've got 'em boys.
Let's jam.
- You did it?
- Always send a drag queen to do a man's job.
- Ah Pinata.
You're amazing.
- No, you.
- Hawaii.
- Time to surrender rump rangers.
- No guns allowed in Wonder Spa,
where every woman is a queen.
- Give up, or I will waste this hostage.
- What?
- She'll do it.
She's crazy.
- Please do not threaten the clientele of Wonder Spa,
where every woman is a queen.
(screaming)
- God damn it.
(guns firing)
- There is no discharging of any weapons of any caliber
at Wonder Spa, where every woman is a queen.
(heavy metal music)
- She bitch, I do not want to hurt you.
- But I do.
Ow.
- Prepare the hot wax, it's Brazilian time.
- Are you coming with us?
- I guess you will be.
- Hello?
This is Vargas.
I need to put out an APB
on some perps who've blown the scene,
and possibly each other.
Right yes, according to the officers on the scene,
it's a couple of go-go dancers with assless chaps,
and a wanton whore of the evening,
with lips for days.
You know what they say, right?
Luscious lips sink ships.
They do say that.
And from what I understand,
everybody on the scene was going down on each other,
like a god damn Titanic.
I'm talking bullets and blowjobs everywhere man.
We need these criminals found.
What do you mean, where was I?
I was in the god damn bathroom.
You ever use the bathroom?
You try living on a diet of stale donuts,
and bargain basement black coffee.
But that's life in the precinct,
life on the beat.
Do you know who you're talking to?
I have seen some shit man, some shit.
You know what?
I don't have to listen to this from you.
You go get those jockstrap motherfuckers,
and stop wasting my time.
Cut to the god damn credits.
(upbeat jazz music)
(faint rock music)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I think I love you.
- I know.