Strange Fits of Passion (1999) - full transcript

"Strange Fits of Passion" is the hilarious tale of a sexually-curious, romantically-frustrated bookstore clerk on a mission to lose her virginity. In between encounters with other people, she returns to the one person she can trust and truly relate to, her gay friend Jimmy, whose faith in love is being shaken by the revelation that his boyfriend has been unfaithful.

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---
[police sirens]

[jazz music playing]

SHE (VOICEOVER): "Now therefore,
while the youthful hue sits

on my skin like morning dew
and while thy willing soul

transpires at every
pore with instant fires.

Now let us sport
us while we may.

And now, like amorous
birds of prey,

rather at once our time devour.

Than languish his
slow-chapt power.

Let us roll all our
strengths and all

our sweetness up into one
ball, and tear our pleasures



with rough strife--

MR. SELDITT: Darling?

Have you finished cataloging
the new feminist titles?

Mr.

Mister Selditt?

Hi, yeah, what's happening?

What's happening?

This is sci-fi.

Uh, no, it's not.

It's feminist fiction.

It's written down.

Well, I think that's wrong.

How do you know?

Have you read it?



No, but--

Ah, yes.

The [inaudible].

They knew about mating rituals.

They really did.

The [inaudible]
is most definitely

a matriarchal society.

Female [inaudible]
choose their own partners

at annual marriage markets.

I've been there with them,
in spirit, when they perform

those strange marriages.

Not a bad idea, that.

Makes a nice change from
doing all the work yourself.

Only to be told that she doesn't
have time for a cup of coffee

with you for a whole year.

And you are on the
shortlist for a cappuccino.

Makes you feel real
good, that does.

[clearing throat]

In with [inaudible].

Excuse me?

Would you like to take
whatever's in your pants out?

[sneezing]

[blowing nose]

Look, we haven't even met yet.

Shouldn't we, uh--
-No.

Have a drink?

I meant the, uh--

I'm Francis.

Please to meet you.

Come here.

I have to tell you something.

One god created love.

[jazz music playing]

He didn't help most.

He made some mistakes.

But when he created
you lying in bed,

he came all over his
blessed universe.

Fuck off.

OK.

[rock music playing]

I think I've just ruined my
one chance at true happiness.

Good.
Can't stop.

Two more.

Fuck off!

Fuck off!

SHE (VOICEOVER): Fuck off.

It's a sign of interest!

It's a come-on line.

Well, I'm done.

Yeah.

Me, too.

SHE (VOICEOVER):
Francis would know that.

Of course, he would!

So what have you
done to ruin your one

chance at true happiness?

I've met someone.

Say that again.

I've met someone.

Oh my god!

[screaming]

[laughing]

Are you coming?

[music playing]

SHE (VOICEOVER): And
so the crusade began.

Somewhere in this
city was Francis

saying to Francis,
the man of my dreams,

the savior of my sexual soul.

Somewhere.

But where?

Actually, I do know a Francis.

You do?

And he knows how to
give really good head.

Does he?

I'm joking.

Oh, I know.

WOMAN (ON TV): Now you think
you can walk out of my life

without a trace.

MAN (ON TV): You can't stop me.

WOMAN (ON TV): Oh, yes, I can.

MAN (ON TV): You've
got nothing on me.

WOMAN (ON TV): That's
what you think.

Blackson?

Mmm?

WOMAN (ON TV): I
know that that's

What do you think the audience
demographic is for Live Pussy?

Slivers.

Not chunks, slivers.

So?

Makes better Hawaiian.

No.

So?

What?

So do you think
Live Pussy attracts

single, young attractive men?

I'm in it.

So hang on.

What?

You're just hoping that
you'll run into this guy?

I hate my clothes.

MAN: Blacks?
Hey, Blacks!

[feet stomping]

You never meet anyone when
you're looking, you know?

BLACKSON: Oh, hey,
are you going out?

JAYA: Have fun.
-I'm not looking.

I told you, I met someone.

MAN: Are you coming, too?

[door banging]

I was supposed to be
there half an hour ago!

What do you think?

MAN: Oh, Jaya, it would be
nice if you [inaudible].

No.

You're trying to hard.
JAYA: Yeah, yeah.

Whatever.
-Just be yourself.

Be yourself?

[door slamming]

What's that supposed to mean?

We're all constructed.

Do you think there's some pure
self that knows what to wear?

If you don't want my
opinion, then don't ask.

Fine.

Then I won't.

A little bit defensive
tonight, aren't we?

You coming or not?

Yes.

Well, hurry up!

[door slamming]

What does she do
to get all the guys?

JIMMY: Nothing.

Nothing.

Right.

You don't have to do anything
when you're good looking.

Can you get out?

Shit!

[rock music playing]

Two for Jaya, for Live Pussy.

You looking for someone?

Me?

No.

No.

Um-- talk to me.

Talk to me really quick.
Hurry!

Hurry!

About something really,
really important.

Oh.

Well, I've-- I've got this
really terrible problem and I--

I haven't been able to work
out what to do about it,

so maybe you--
-OK.

He's gone now.

Who?

Oh, it's just this guy
I slept with last week.

It was so awful.

Two, please.

Thanks.

You know the sort.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they're the worst.

Aren't they?

It's like, hello, would you mind
learning about a woman's body

before you go inflicting
yourselves on us.

Yeah!

I mean-- I mean,
don't they have rubber

dolls for that sort of thing?
I mean--

Exactly.

Do they think that we
enjoy being grasped at?

[jazz music playing]

And groped.

It's just such a turn
off when someone's

got no idea what they're doing.

[rock music playing]

Excuse me.

SHE (VOICEOVER):
Oh, god, please give

me some idea what I'm doing.

Please don't let me a turn off.

Or at least, please show me
a way not to be a turn off.

One prick.

Right.

So if you want a man
and you're good looking,

then you do nothing.

So if you're OK looking
and you want a man,

what does that mean?

You do something?

What's something?

Excuse me.

Don't touch me!

SHE (VOICEOVER):
Was that something?

No.
Too defensive.

Has anyone ever told you,
you look like Catherine

in Wandering Hearts?

What does she look like?

You.

SHE (VOICEOVER):
Do something else.

Something nice.

Fuck off?

Shit.

You want a drink?

Oh, yeah, a pint.

Thanks.

Sorry!

No worries.

It's a bit hot in here anyway.

Actually, I love--
I love your jacket.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Yeah.

Is it some kind of suede?

Uh, I don't really know.

Well, it-- it probably
says on the label.

Yeah, well, I don't
think it's got one.

My girlfriend found it
for me in a dumpster.

Great.

Look, I'm sorry--

Thank you.

What for?

Men have this whole history
of patriarchal behavior

[inaudible].

And sometimes we forget.

And I think it's important
that we're reminded

that our socially
constructed behavior

can be potentially offensive.

Can I buy you a drink?

So what do you actually do?

I'm a poet.

Really?

MAN: Time, please!

Time!

Time!
Thank you!

Everyone, you
know, wants to write

a great novel, but you what?

I think authentic art comes
from redressing cultural roots.

And those roots are
white imperial verse.

So that's where
we need to start.

I mean, that's the root of
all oppression, isn't it?

You're absolutely right.

Yeah.

I know I am, so that's
what I want to change.

We haven't seen it before
in Australian poetry.

I've been so obsessed with
folklore and what have you.

I mean, how many
modern Australians

does the whole bush
legend thing relate to?

I mean, new voices
must be heard.

What I intend to
do with my poetry

is redefine the racist, sexist,
classist, homophobic legacy

that [inaudible] left us with.

MAN: Time, please!

Time!

Time!

It's really interesting.

Oh, yeah.
It is.

It is.

It's one of the great
advantages of post-modernism,

the possibilities of
inter-textual recreation.

We're going to the Night
Crocodile to kick on.

Do you want to come?

Um.

Do want to have
a coffee and maybe

keep talking to somewhere?

Yeah.

That sounds great.

SHE (VOICEOVER): My god.

A poet we've with good
dress sense, a great nose,

and he takes taxis.

Hey, can I get a
lift with you guys?

No.

Go away.

You ready?

I don't have any money.

I'll pay.

[groaning]

Let's go!

So how about we just
go back to my place?

[sneezing]

Have you got a cold?

No.

No, no, no.

I've got this great
new Guinea blend.

[sneezing]

Are you OK?

Maybe you're allergic
to something.

No, no.

[sneezing]

I--

[sneezing]

I think-- I think it's
just the car freshener.

[sneezing]

JAYA: Listen to this.

Freud's first patient was this
woman, Emma Eckstein, right?

She had all these
psychic sexual problems.

So Freud sent her to
get a nose operation

because he believed
that all neurosis was

situated in the nasal cavity.

Really?

How's that?

Is that better?

[sneezing]

Sorry.

Bye.

Hang on!

Listen, uh-- here's my card.

Maybe you could give me a
call when you're feeling--

when you're feeling better.

[sneezing]

And my number--

Shit!

Shit!

Shit!

Jimmy?

I need help.

[music playing]

[sex in other room]

Doesn't sound like
she does nothing.

JIMMY: It's not
about sex, you know?

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

Get it into perspective.

I mean, you rejected someone.

No one rejected you.

Think how much worse
it is for them.

They're the ones brave enough
to put themselves on the line

and make a move.

I've-- I've got this
friend who's got this

friend who works for Virgin.

And I could get them to come
and see your band, you know?

And maybe they'll give you a
recording contract because you

are really fabulous.

I mean it!

You really are!

Red socks.

It means you're a rebel.

So you're saying that
whenever I like someone,

I subconsciously fuck it up,
so that I don't feel rejected.

Yeah.

You get him first.

Oh, god!

What am I going to do?

Take a risk.

Right?

Just be honest with them.

I can't be honest with Francis.

Oh.

Well, uh-- why don't you
find someone you don't like.

[sex in other room]

It's just chance.

Who we meet, and who we go out,
and who we supposedly fall in

love with.

How can there be true love
when the whole thing is

so arbitrary?

Well, it's not.

It's-- it's not arbitrary.

Everyone has one, true love.

It just takes some people
longer to find theirs.

Are you saying that god
pairs us all off in advance?

No.

So what if your one, true
love dies in early childhood?

Or-- or-- or what if your one
true love lives in Zanzibar,

or Geelong, or
somewhere you never go?

Oh, well, I guess, that would
explain all the single people.

I cannot believe
what you're saying.

You must be a Christian
to think this.

Hang on, I thought you
decided that Francis

was your one, true love.

Just-- just because I
find him att-- attract--

Attra-- attractive?

Shh!

Do you-- do you-- what-- do
you think that monkeys just

suddenly decided to start
rooting around because they

discovered their true loves?

Well, I don't know, but we're
not talking about monkeys.

We're talking about
good human beings!

There's no difference.

Yes, there is.

The difference is we can love.

To have compassion and
empathy for someone

other than ourselves,
that's what love is.

Love is controlling our
fantasies and our desires

in order to have a
true and sustaining

relationship with one person.

Where do you read that?

[rain falling]

Do you know how you said
before, you never meet

anyone when you're looking?

Mmm.

Where did you meet Simon?

Mmm.

Where did you meet Simon?

Safeway.

[MUSIC HERMAN'S HERMITS, "NO
MILK TODAY"]

You must like nuts.

MAN: I do.

Very much.

"He turned his lips to
hers and with his hand,

called back the tangles
of her wandering hair.

Even then, their
love they could not

all command and half forgot
their danger and despair."

How much are you?

[MUSIC HERMAN'S HERMITS, "NO
MILK TODAY"]

[alarm buzzing]

I'll have to
check your receipt.

Oh, no.

I've paid for him.

I promise.

Stand away.

Just move back.

[inaudible] the bar code.

That's all.

Just stand back.

Away from the doors, please!

We'll have to strip search you.

[screaming]

[alarm clock ringing]

Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

Yeah, morning!

SHE (VOICEOVER): At any moment
now, Francis will walk in

and we won't even need to speak.

We'll just look into
each other's eyes

with a deep hunger.

And then we'll go
into the back room

and tear each other's
clothes off, and claw

at each other's
skin, and-- and--

and then I won't
know what to do.

And he'll find out.

And that will be it.

The end.

(FOREIGN ACCENT) Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Excuse me!

What?

(FOREIGN ACCENT) Uh-- uh--
Can I put in your window?

Whatever.

[jazz music playing]

Why aren't there
courses in this stuff?

SHE (VOICEOVER): Unfortunately,
every desperate woman

in Melbourne had the
same bright idea as me.

OK!
OK!

OK!

Ladies!

Ladies, ladies, ladies!

That's beautiful, huh?

Now repeat after me.

[speaking spanish]

[speaking spanish].

OK.

Now you get into
to partnerships.

And I am watching
you, margarita!

It's the one partner
for you today, OK?

All right.

[interposing voices]

OK.

And repeat please.

I'll be the man, if you like.

Hola.

(IN UNISON) Hola.

Hola.

(IN UNISON) Hola.

JIMMY: Why don't you find
someone you don't like?

[mariachi music]

Adios.

Adios.

Excuse me?

Si?

I think I need some help
with my prepositions.

Here.

You can practice at home.

Oh.

Good.

Excuse me?

Hmm?

Do you have any crash courses?

Crash?

What is this word?

Crash?

I need to learn fast.

Very, very fast.

[music playing]

[speaking spanish].

Beside?

No, no, no.

Under.

As in, underneath.

[phone ringing]

[speaking spanish].

On?

As in, on top of.

In?

En.

As in, inside of.

In Costa Rica--

What?

What was the last--

I am making your ear better.

Yeah-- my ear?

Oh.

Would you like to
come back to my house

for some more practice?

Si.

Si, si.

Antonio!

[dog barking]

Hola!

Si, si, si.

[speaking spanish]

What's this for?

In case you get amnesia?

Amnesia?

What is this word?

Amn--

Never mind.

Por que?

Oh!

Si.

That's-- that's for
my private students.

To learn.

Cafe?

There are some very easy books
for you to start reading.

-Pablo, I--
-I can lend you some.

These are very hard
to find in Australia.

No, no!

Do you teach in
your bedroom as well?

Here.

Have a look at this one.

It's in both
English and Espanol.

He's-- how do you
say in English?

My namesake.

"If only you would
touch my heart.

If only you would put
your lips to my heart."

"Your delicate [inaudible].

Your teeth, they
[inaudible] your tongue

like a red arrow where my
beating heart is crumbling."

"If you would
blow over my heart,

near the sea, crying, it would
ring with an obscure sound.

The sound of train
wheels, of dreams.

Like the to and fro of waters.

Like autumn in leaf.

Like blood."

SHE (VOICEOVER): And then,
just at the crucial moment,

desire and purpose
fizzled into nothing.

And all I could
see was a sweating,

moaning, heaving, hairy
Spaniard trying to hump me.

[groaning]

Pablo, I can't!

Que?

I just-- I like to get to know
someone a bit better before I--

[groaning]

No!

[music playing]

[groaning]

[jazz music playing]

She walks in beauty.

Like the night of cloudless
climes, and starry skies.

And all that's best
of dark and bright

meet in her aspect and her eyes.

MAN: [inaudible] bitch, baby!

[screaming]

[cheering]

Maybe you were
pressing too hard?

Um.

You see, it's a delicate thing.

You've got to know exactly
the right amount of pressure

to exert.

Where and when.

It's like anything.

It just takes a little
bit of practice.

Can I help you?

CUSTOMER: Yeah, can
I have a number four?

Thanks.

Yeah, right.

JIMMY: So how was
it apart from that?

Great.

Chili?

Yeah.

That's good. $3.20, thanks.

Oh, great. [inaudible].

Yeah.

So-- so what are
you doing here then?

CUSTOMER: Yeah, um--

Do you prefer to
fuck or be fucked?

Can I help you?

That depends.

CUSTOMER: Number one, thanks.

Well, you're lucky.

You've got some choice.

So would you, if you
stopped playing the victim.

Sorry, did you say chili?

I have got no choice.

I've just got to lie there
and let it all happen.

Not all men like
being dominant.

Mustard?

Yes, they do.

All heterosexual sex is a
violation by definition.

French, English, Dijon?

Enter, penetrate, invade!

[crying]

I don't know how to do it.

OK.

So if desire is all
we've got, why the hell

is it so difficult for you?

Why can't you just get out
there and root yourself stupid?

Because.

Because society has
invented oppressive

constructs to control desire.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot about those constructs.

Like love.

Love is an invention
of capitalism.

Right.
OK.

Could you, um, lead me
through that one a little bit?

Do you want to know?

Yeah, well-- well,
I'm fascinated.

Please.

[music from other room]

Go on.

Go on.

Go on.

All right.

As soon as we started owning
land, we needed heirs.

So we need to
married and monogamy.

And women were brainwashed
into believing these notions

of true love so that they
would remain faithful

and continue the dynasty.

It's a big lie.

Yeah, it's a shocker.

Mmm.

So what interests me,
therefore, is why you read all

this brainwashing stuff, eh?

What's Mister Wordsworth got
to say about the big lie?

OK.

"Her household motions
light and free.

And steps of virgin liberty.

A countenance which
did meet sweet records,

promises as sweet.

A creature not too
bright or good."

That sounds a bit like--
no that's not how--

He's talking about a spirit.

Not a real woman.

Oh!

Oh, OK.

That's fine then.

Anyway, you have
to know your enemy.

Yeah, I guess so.

It's funny though.

I just don't believe you.

[music playing]

SHE: Ow!

Shit!

[knocking on door]

LACHLAN: How you going, sis?

What do you want?

OK.

Now you've seen it.

You can take your little
friend and go to Time Zone.

Hi.

Happy birthday.

Hi, my name's Lachlan
and that's James.

Hi.

Would you like some coffee?

Oh, thanks.

White with two.

Have you got any beer?

SHE (VOICEOVER): Right.

Forget about myself.

Forget about my birthday.

Just accept the way things
are and get on with life.

WOMAN: Excuse me?

Hello?

Would you mind if I put
this up in your window?

Yeah.

Just leave it on the table
and I'll put it up in sec.

Great.

Thanks.

Oh, that is a fantastic book.

Have you read it?

No.

Not yet.

OK.

Thanks.

SHE (VOICEOVER): Forget
about love and sex.

And concentrate on-- on--
people with real needs!

Just down to the [inaudible].

Good.

Hello!

I thought you might
be interested.

Well, it's important to use
a privilege in a positive way.

I could not agree
with you more.

Just over to the
center of that table.

Thanks.

Oh, hi!

[boxes crashing]

How you going?

You having fun?

Yeah, great.

I just thought I'd bring
you over some pamphlets

on the political situation
in North Sangalia.

Just so you know who you're
doing all of this for.

And even more importantly, why.

I think it's important to
be clued in, don't you?

Absolutely.

You know what I find amazing?

Is that once you actually
start helping other people,

you actually realize, and
without even knowing it really,

you're helping yourself as well.

SHE (VOICEOVER):
She was so right.

This was what was going
to save me from loneliness

and self obsession.

And you know, whatever that
thing is that you want so much

to fill the hole inside
you, you know it might

not be what you think it is.

Can I just tell you that I woke
up one morning and realized--

SHE (VOICEOVER): What
an amazing woman.

So selfless, and passionate,
and-- and beautiful.

God, she's beautiful.

I know that it can
take a lot of courage

to recognize that your obsession
with your own problems-- well,

it's actually a
comfortable addiction.

And that's why it
is so important

to challenge yourself, to
transgress the boundaries.

SHE (VOICEOVER):
Transgress the boundaries.

Transgress the boundaries.

Transgress the boundaries.

My god.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

And the world is full of women!

Hey, you should come to
our buy a cow for the women

of Pakistan meetings.

I'd love to.

Really?

It's a great way
of promoting self

sufficiency in communities.

SHE (VOICEOVER): I can't
do it with men because I'm

not attracted to men.

Sex between equals.

Sex without oppression.

Can you lose your
virginity to a woman?

Sorry, am I boring you?

No.

No, no, no.

Actually, I was
wondering if you'd

like to go, and have
a coffee somewhere,

and just keep talking.

OK.

I'd love to.

Excuse me?

Great.

Excuse me?

You don't put the chicken trim
soup marked with red text.

They're for vegetarians.

Sorry.

That's my foster
child from Tanzania.

Bawindi.

Chai?

Thanks.

Thanks.

I'll just-- like so.

Do you like children?

Um, sure.

That Bawindi, she is such
a fabulous little girl.

I think education is just
so important for girls

in developing countries
because boys, so often,

get the preferences for food--

SHE (VOICEOVER): Make a move,
make a move, make a move!

Uh, I love your shirt!

Oh, thanks.

And her English!

My god, it gets
better and better

every single letter I get.

It's improved.

It makes me feel so proud.

I'm so proud of her.

I'm going to--

SHE (VOICEOVER): Maybe she
just thinks I'm being friendly.

Women always touch each other.

Shit!

Don't you think so?

Do you like boot-scooting?

[african music playing]

"12 sisters are sad.

They have no mom and dad.

Bawindi has full tummy.

She has lovely, Aussie mommy.

Today we eat you."

It's so sweet.

I'm sorry.

It's just sometimes--
I feel-- I'm so lonely.

It's like I'm-- my whole body
just aches to be touched.

Almost like my skin
is just going to break

apart, if it doesn't happen.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I know you really
don't need this.

It's OK.

It must be terrible to be so--

What are you doing now?

Now-- Right now, nothing.

Let's go to a bar.

OK.

I need to sleep
with someone tonight.

So do I.

You see, I'm ovulating.

Yeah, proven by who?

Freud?

[groaning]

Hey, guys, I was going
to light another bong.

I'm so [inaudible].

I'm so wasted.

Why are birthdays so foul?

JAYA: What would you
know about Freud anyway?

You've never read a
book in your life!

BLACKSON: Freud is a
complete irrelevant.

Because when you're
a kid, the whole world

stops for you on your birthday.

When you're an adult, no
one-- no one gives a shit.

Do you mean that?

Happy Birthday.

I'm not wearing that!

What?

It's not really me.

Who is you?

I thought you were just
a construct anyway.

Oh, that's true.

Hey, gorgeous.

So are you coming
to Three Faces?

What for?

So I can pick up
a nice drag queen?

Hey, that is a good look.

You might be starting something.

Did you hear that?

Hey, shall we go?

Yeah.

You should go to bed.

Hey!

It's almost midnight.

You can stop expecting anything!

[MUSIC HERMAN'S HERMITS,
"THERE'S A KIND OF HUSH"]

[crashing]

You awake?

Hey!

You awa-- Oh, shit!

Sorry.

Go to bed.

I can't find Simon.

He's not in here.

I can't find Simon!

Well, he's not in here!

I need to find him.

And I need to find Simon!

Oh, shit, Jimmy!

Simon.

[phone ringing]

WOMAN: Well, I'm sorry, but--

MAN: Oh, come on.

Is this your street?

WOMAN: Yes, it is actually.
I live here.

MAN: Have you got a car?
Have you got a car?

WOMAN: I've got a
right to park my car.

Yes, I do.

And I have a right to park
it in front of my house.

Hello?

It's for you!

Got any more beer?

[speaking russian].

I thought you said that you--

What?

Ready?

Ready.

We went to a great
restaurant the other night.

What was it called?

More potatoes?

Great, big serves for only--

I don't think they're
interested in that, Pat.

Did I tell you I ran
into Donny Hopkins?

Danny.

He's having to [inaudible].

Oh.

Did you know Maria left
for a wood turner she met

in her adult education class?

He wasn't a wood turner.

He was a cabinet maker.
-Wasn't he?

He was a wood turner.

No, he was a cabinet maker.

Your mother's been watching
them over the fence.

No.

Jamie, did I tell you?

I've enrolled in French classes.

You're doing very well, too.

He's in charge of five men.

Le gateau.

[cat squealing]

We're going on
holiday to Koolaburra.

Have you ever been there?

Of course they haven't.

Nobody's even heard of it.

Actually, we were
thinking of going

there for our summer holidays.

We should have a
game of golf, son.

I've got to meet Simon.

Oh, I've got to meet someone.

Thanks.

[jazz music playing]

This one has great articles.

Yes.

Yes, I used to subscribe to
that one, but after a while,

I found that I needed something
a little less cerebral.

Maybe you should try this one?

MAN: Check this out, Simon!

[laughing]

Excuse me?

Hey.

Oh, no.
No, no.

Don't tell me.

Another failed romance.

You could say that.

Do something for Christ's sake!

Scream at me!

I don't want to talk
about it all right!

Or hit something!
Cry!

I don't understand you.

[laughing]

You OK?

Can't you leave them on?

JIMMY: Why?

Just because you can't
handle a bit of cock?

I'm a lesbian.

Of course, I can.

Ah, a lesbian.

Right!

And when did that little
development occur?

Eh?
Eh?

Don't!

Come on!

Come on in!

Come on.

Come on!

I can do it.

But you said you needed help.

Not with my buttons.

You don't know what
you want, do you?

What?

You're just going to sit there
like a little, middle class

princess?

Let everyone else
do the hard work.

I'll tell you something,
Passivity isn't sexy.

Well, it is, but only
for about five minutes.

[police sirens]

Is that sexy?

Oh, that's uh-- not bad.

Come on!

Hurry up!

Come on!

Get in!

[singing]

Get 'em off!

[cheering]

Now that is sexy!

Hey!

What?

We're being watched.

What?

What?

[laughing]

There must be a
charge for that, eh?

You know what I think?

What?

I think you actually
don't want to lose it.

I mean, does it-- does it
make you feel powerful,

holding on to it or something?

No.

God, you've got the
most beautiful neck.

Can't you take a compliment?

Relax, I'm not
trying to seduce you.

Did I hurt you?

I'm not trying to seduce you.

Should I have told you?

Yeah.

It's OK.

Slow down!

It's OK.

I'm not the enemy.

No!

You're just using me to
get your revenge on Simon!

Why do you do that?

Do what?

Tell you the truth?

You know what you are?

You're a miserable,
frigid bitch!

Simon loves me.

Simon loves me!

You don't even know what
the word means, do you?

I don't know what the word
means because it doesn't exist!

I'm not blind, all right, Jimmy!

I saw him!

Bullshit!

You-- you saw what
you wanted to see

because you want
everyone to be like you,

a pathetic, screwed up, victim!

Simon would never do that to me!

All right.
Fine!

You believe that!

Believe the whole bloody lie
and see where that gets you!

I thought you were my friend.

I am.

That's why I told you!

Yeah?

Yeah, really?

Yeah, well, maybe I
didn't want to know!

Yeah, well, maybe
I'm not frigid!

Maybe I just didn't want
to be a charity fuck!

[door closing]

Shit.

[music playing]

JAYA: Inverts.

They derive pleasure from
intercourse with their own sex

only when their normal sexual
object is inaccessible.

[inaudible] inverts.

Psychosexual hermaphrodites.

Sexual object make
or [inaudible].

Do you think there are
categories he never thought of?

SHE (VOICEOVER): It
was an aberration.

That's all.

A stupid, drunken aberration.

He's gay, for Christ's sake.

And so am I. I'm gay.

I am.

You have got the
most beautiful neck.

You have got the
most beautiful--

Neck.

I'm not trying to seduce you.

[moaning]

[alarm clock buzzing]

I'm not gay.

SHE (VOICEOVER): Holy
Mary, mother of God,

please don't make me be
in love with a gay boy.

All I want is to
lose my virginity,

so that I can spend the rest
of my life with Francis.

I'll do it with the next,
nice, straight boy I meet.

I promise.
-Excuse me?

Hi.

You look like someone
in need of love.

What?

I'm a member of
Volleyballers for Christ.

Oh.

The Lord loves us faithfully
and unconditionally.

-Oh, God.
-Oh, yes.

Him, too.

Josh?

I've been a poet,
albeit unpublished,

for about a decade.

Thank you all for coming.

Um--

Flies buzz.

Wind cries.

Dust crawls.

Clouds weep.

Her singlet strains with
the weight of her class.

The weight of her sex.

She's going to nowhere,
this sunken feature,

above the screech of Cockatoos.

She cooks the party pies.

He plays cards.

The void wept for her plight
as she tumbled to the floor.

Plan post nothingness,
he replied.

[applause]

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

And I saw this documentary
where the couple only ever

have sex if she initiates it.

That's really interesting.

Yeah, it is.

It is.

It really is.

JIMMY: Passivity isn't sexy.

Well, it is, but only
for about five minutes.

Um--

I was wondering if you might
want to come back to my place

and have a coffee?

Sure.

That'd be great.

[music playing]

Another cup?

Where's the bedroom?

Can you hang on a minute?

[blowing nose]

[spitting]

Bollocks.

Jesus.

Shit.

I think there might
be something wrong

with your pelvic structure.

Oh, well, I've never
had this problem before.

[groaning]

[crying]

Oh!

Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

Good.

Do you want some [inaudible]?

Sorry?

Muesli.

Oh.

Yes.

Yum.

I like to get up
early and write.

That's a good idea.

Do you mind if I
just get something

down before breakfast?

No.

Not at all.

Thanks.

Can I be candid with you?

Sure.

I realized something
about myself last night.

Soy or dairy?

Dairy.

Thanks.

It's funny, isn't it?

You go through-- you
go through live wanting

and pining for something.

And then we you
actually get it, you

realize that it's not what
you really wanted after all.

I really need to be in my
own head at the moment.

I have to find out what's in
there before I try and work

out what's in other peoples'.

[coughing]

You OK?

Fine.

Just a hazelnut.

Anyway, what I realized
is that I'm actually,

uh-- not a-- well, I'm
actually not a fundamentally--

Sexual person?

How did you know?

Just a stab in the
dark, so to speak.

[music playing]

Francis, baby, here I come!

[church bell ringing]

What ward is Jimmy
[inaudible] in?

Um, I'll just check for you.

He's in intensive, but you--
excuse me, you can't go--

[panting]

[machine beeping]

Excuse me.

[crying]

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me, you
have to leave now.

You're not allowed in here.

Come on.

MAN (ON TV):
[inaudible] is having

a three day furniture frenzy.

This Friday,
Saturday, and Sunday,

we must clear one million
dollars worth of stock!

This phone is $299, buy one,
get one free. $399, buy one,

get one free.

$499, buy one, get on free.

Free [inaudible], $999.

WOMAN (ON TV): And finally
tonight, police and state

emergency service were
called to Ivanhoe last night

for an unusual type of rescue.

Bob, a 100 kilogram St.
Bernard, was stranded

in the [inaudible] River.

[phone ringing]

She'd been at the vets earlier--

Hello?

Hi.

Right.

Right.

When?

OK.

I know.

No, I'm fine.

No, that won't be necessary.

OK.

All right.

Thanks.

Bye.

[phone ringing]

JIMMY (ON MESSAGE
MACHINE): Hi, you've called

Jaya, Blackson, Jimmy and Anna.

You have no idea how important
this message is to us,

so leave it.

Please.

[beep]

[tape rewinding]

JIMMY (ON MESSAGE
MACHINE): Hi, you've called

Jaya, Blackson, Jimmy and Anna.

You have no idea how
important this messages to us,

so leave it.

Please.

[beep]

[tape rewinding]

JIMMY (ON MESSAGE MACHINE:
Hi, you've called Jaya,

Blackson, Jimmy, and Anna.

You have no idea how
important this messages to us,

so leave it.

Please.

[beep]

[tape rewinding]

[music playing]

[crying]

Oh, don't put them in there!

They're not going out cheap!

How many times do I have
to tell you the same thing?

All right.

Fine.

Excuse me?

Could you put this
in your window?

Sure.

Do you like Bukowski?

No.

I don't.

[laughing]

Mister Selditt?

Hmm?

Why don't you just
ring her and say, look,

just tell me
straight out, if you

want to have a coffee with me.

Because if you don't, then
I'll find someone who does.

Come on.

What have you got to lose?

Do it now.

Well?

Well, she said she might have
time to have a cup of coffee

with me in about three months.

[laughing]

[music playing]