Straightman (1999) - full transcript

[music playing]

[laughs]

MAN: Still got it.

COMEDIAN: Well, uh, how
are you folks doing?

[people cheer and applaud]

You guys are ready to go?

You guys are looking good.

You got a lot of
cocktails going on there.

Cool, cool.
Nice tattoo.

I see a lot of tattoos.

Tattoos are big.



Anyone have a special tattoo
they would like to talk about?

[scattered cheers]

You got one of your buttocks.

Oh.

Thank you for going
for the formal word,

'cause we don't want to say
"butt" after I've said "fuck"

all night.

You know?

Oh yes, I do have a
marking on my posterior.

[laughter]

Later we'll have intercourse.

[phones ringing]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND
APPLAUDING]

So, um, I used to read a
Dr. Seuss book as a kid.



Round of applause.

[applause]

Yeah, they were great books.

They were great books.

I, uh-- I know I'm
kind of dating myself.

But, uh, you know, I
don't mind dating myself,

because, you know, I filled out.

But, uh--

[laughter]

I don't know.

Men, women, gay, straight.

You know we're all fucked.

[cheers and laughter]

A lot of fucking going on.

MAN 1 (ON TV): Do you feel as
though as there's no way out?

Is your personal life and
your professional life

being affected by
your addiction?

Are you hiding
from your problems

behind alcohol and drugs?

Well, at Health Corps,
there's still hope.

Remember, at Health Corps,
there's always hope.

MAN 2 (ON TV):
Check out the action

at High Performance Auto Sales.

Backs, spoilers, and
outrageous custom auto--

JACK: Hey, Max.

Hey.

So did you eat
anything for dinner?

No, I was expecting your call.

How was your day?

OK.

No.

No.

A little bit.

A little bit.

[snorting]

Mm!

[inaudible] takes care of you.

Some stray animal
that follows me home.

I missed you.

I'll make you lose--

Mm-hm-hmm!

You understand?

I needed to sleep,
just like you're

tired now because you worked
the same amount of hours today.

Right, but see, look how
much more sense we'd make

if there was something here.

Then we could both
just go to bed

so we wouldn't have to
be all beat tomorrow

and you wouldn't have
to sleep all throughout

We were away from the house
the same amount of time.

I know we were away from the
house the same amount of time.

But you still have this window,
this daylight hour thing

were you have a truck.

Just because it's
daylight doesn't mean

I don't need to take a nap.

Right, but think about it.

If we actually had
food in the house,

you wouldn't be all beat.

You wouldn't be running around
now to get some food and drink

beers and be up late
again and get up

at 4:30 again and go to
work, and then come home

and fucking sleep.

[passionate moans]

Oh, carino.

Mm!

Mm!

[moaning]

Come for mami.

Oh!

Uh!

[both panting]

Oof.

[speaking spanish]

OK, dried clam broth.

That's disgusting.

You know what?

Get-- get some fucking V8.

It's from Mox Inc. It's
from Stamford, Connecticut.

Forget it.

I drank Clamato off
a girl's body once.

I dumped it all over her ass.

I told her I was Italian
so she'd go out with me.

-You told her--
-She's Puerto Rican.

She doesn't even
know what a Jew is.

They don't have
Jews in Puerto Rico.

She sees my name.

She's like, Leibowitz?

That's not-- that
doesn't sound Italian.

I'm like, it's,
um, Leibowitz-pitz.

It's northern Italian.

Bought it.

No.

[both laugh]

No way.

I just want to know
that I'm attractive.

I want you to tell me that
I'm attractive so that--

That's what you want?

Yeah, I what you to tell
me that I'm attractive.

Look at you.

You're-- you're like an Adonis.

You're lovely.

Is this-- is this OK? 'Cause
I think this shirt goes.

It's fabulous, yeah.

There you go.

That's all I wanted to know.

Only women do this.

When they talk about sexy, they
have to bring up intelligent.

MAXINE: Doesn't it
help that that person

has some intelligence, just
like a hair of intelligence?

No.

No, it doesn't.

Intelligence is nothing.

I don't care how smart they are.

What, are you
calling me stupid?

-No.
-Yeah, thank you.

Right?
-I'm saying--

Well, I think that's
what you were saying.

DAVID: I'm saying it has
nothing to do with now.

Why do you have to be like that?
REBECCA: Be like what?

DAVID: Can you back me up?

No, I don't-- I-- I
don't want to back you up,

because I think you're wrong.

I just don't understand
how dumb and sexy

can ever be one in the same
thing, 'cause they're not.

DAVID: Why does not
intelligent have to mean dumb?

You have to be smart to
have a decent attitude

and a personality.

If you're stupid, it
doesn't carry anything.

But if you have
a nice ass, does

that mean you have a high IQ?

[laughter]

Oh my god.

How do you make
these connections?

JACK: No, just because
you have a nice ass

doesn't mean you're sexy.

So if a woman had a cute ass
but she didn't have any teeth

and she had a big eye in
the middle of her forehead,

would she be sexy?

It's just the whole package.

You know what women want?

Women want this.

REBECCA: (DISGUSTED) Oh, David.

[music playing]

Yeah.

He's had a lot of
different girlfriends

who aren't usually so
comfortable with his "all

in one place."

They got very jealous.

It's cool.

But I don't think he's
really all over the place.

Oh, no, no.

I just-- it's the
way he is, the way

he's-- how he's off talking,
and you're fine with it.

It's good.

Yeah.

Listen to that.

Just listen to that
word, "Cabernet."

It's a classy word.

You see, I'm the one
who knew what it was.

MAXINE: Do you want--
do you want to head out?

JACK: Yeah, it's about time.

You're going to take off?

MAXINE: Yeah, I've got to still
work tomorrow after all those--

OK, well, I'll see you guys.

MAXINE: Yeah, thanks for coming.

Where did David--

See ya.

All right.

Bye, Jack.

It's for you.

So you had fun tonight?

Yes, I did.

You did?

It wasn't so bad.

No, not bad at all.

Thanks for sucking it
up and indulging me.

No problem.

OK.

That's good.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Cheers.

Cheers.

[chuckles]

JACK: David and his fucking
pedestrian Styrofoam peanuts.

You know, he-- it's--
this-- this isn't-- fuck,

it's not bubble wrap.

It's this beautiful
fucking adjective.

You know what, Jack?

I guarantee you fucking David
is not looking in the dictionary

right now, because--

That-- that's where
you're wrong, Max.

He would have looked this
up fucking 10 minutes ago--

MAXINE: Bullshit.

--as soon as he
fucking got home.

MAXINE: Fucking David
doesn't even have a fucking

dictionary, all right?
-Oh.

If he does, he would look it up.

But "excelsior--
adjective/interjection.

Higher, always upward.

Used as a motto, as on
the New York State seal."

Good for you.

You are fucking right.

JACK: Fuck, it's also a noun.

I'm going to bed.

"Used for packing breakable
things or as stuffing

in some furniture."

REBECCA: Hey, monkey,
what are you doing?

I'm checking my teeth.

REBECCA: [laughs]

Come on.

[clears throat]

Yeah?

You miss me?

Yeah, come on, baby.

[giggles]

I miss you too.

I'm late.
-That's all right.

I know I'm late.

Mwah.
-I'm used to waiting.

How are you?

That's the nicest thing
that happened to me all day.

[chatter]

Uh, all the way down here.

Take it all the way
around the counter.

All right.

You know, this is a
very special order.

Rye bread, corned
beef, chopped liver.

It's my favorite sandwich.

You're the only person I
trust to make it for me.

[laughs]

This guy's a genius.

See?

Look at that chopped liver.

MAXINE: I'm looking.

DAVID: Look at that meat.

MAXINE: I'm not
loving, I'm looking

DAVID: I come here once a
month for my corned beef.

MAXINE: That is definitely
where we differ.

She's amazing.

Thank you.

She's like one of those people
that you-- you sleep with them,

and then you feel like,
uh, you don't have to have

sex again for at least a day.

You know what I'm saying?

[chuckles]

I-- you know, I don't
know what you're saying.

I wish I did know
what you were saying.

Uh, this is separate, right?

Separate?

Separate?

MAXINE: Um, sure.

You're a crazy motherfucker.

No, I'm not crazy.

Well, no, you're not crazy.

I'm not the one that
watches basketball.

You know, I mean, you
guys sit around watching

basketball together.

To me, that's sick.

I like basketball.

DAVID: Oh, Bulls.

And do you know all their names?

MAXINE: Because they
don't have a superstar.

I know a lot of
their names, yes.

So you're an
irrational jingoist?

MAXINE: You're so absurd.

You practice irreverent
patriotism to some team.

No, it's enjoying the game.

It's exciting to see a group
of people playing well together

and see someone go out
and then make a great shot

and be a part of a team.

DAVID: With you sitting
there like a rabid lunatic

on the side cheering for them.

I'm not a rabid lunatic.

You've never-- no.

DAVID: Can I tell you something?

I like being around
you, a couple.

You guys are like my parents.

MAXINE: Do not compare
me to your mother.

It's just funny that
you have this idea

of what couples should be.

Yet you do everything
you can not to be

a part of one of these couple.

And yet you idealize
me and Jack as--

as being something so perfect.

DAVID: Maybe.

We're clearly not
anything perfect.

DAVID: Not perfect.

No, we're far from perfect.

MAN 1: Can you imagine this?

We're at this strip joint, OK?

And there's 50 cops
there, all packing a piece

and they're all slashed.

MAN 2: Get out.

MAN 1: Yeah.

So anyway, there's this
stripper on stage, OK?

And they throw
this guy on stage.

Name's Chris.

MAN 2: The time of his life.

Stripper takes him, pantses
him, and deep-throats him

right there.

Are you serious?

Yeah, right there on his face.

This is a really
foxy babe, you know?

I offered to go first.

[laughs]

And he said, OK.

[cheers and applause]

I'm fortunate today.

I'm happy to be here.

But I'm leaving you.

Give us a hand for
Mr. Tommy Barbie.

[cheers and applause]

[inaudible].

Yeah.

With that shirt, it's
kinda hard to tell.

I mean, come on, let's face it.

Where did you get that?

You don't like it.

Do we have some fucking dress
code that I don't know about?

No, I mean, I just want
to know-- you know, I mean,

I don't know.

I mean, I might want to
make curtains with that.

It's trippy.

How about a new tie?

Maybe you should make
a new fucking tie.

This is a nice tie.

Don't even kid
around about the tie.

Most of the women I've dated
are from Pluto-- you know,

distant and cold.

But, uh--

[laughter]

You're absolutely right.

Well, I feel like you're trying
to imply that, you know, like,

you're gonna turn around
and I'm gonna fuck

you up the ass or something.

David, come on.

You'd do that to me?

No, I have better taste.

Ouch.

See, you just hurt me.

You hurt me, you know?

This is-- I don't need this.

I get this kind of
aggravation from-- from women.

I get this kind of aggravation
from my girlfriend.

I don't need this.

I cannot even believe you even
dare call her your girlfriend.

I'm in love.

You're in love?

I love her very much.

You're in love
with-- David, you--

you're trying to pick up
these women that where just

here today.

What do you mean, girlfriend?

Hi, monkey.

Hi.

How are ya?

All right.
How about you?

Miss me?

What's the matter?
-Nothing.

I'm fine.

I'm just- a little
surprised to see you here.

Well, I want to-- I
want to surprise you.

It worked.

I ordered a pizza too.

Oh, you ordered a pizza?

Yeah.

Great.

I was tired.

And I wanted to get well.

That--

Do you want me to go?

I said I'd see you on Friday.

Well, do you want-- I'll go.

No, no.

You ordered a pizza, right?
-Yeah.

You want to pick it up?

It's delivered.

Awesome.

I'm gonna take a shower, OK?

[shower running]

David?

Are you OK?

DAVID: What?

Well, can I come in?

D-David.

DAVID: What?

Heh.

Um, are you sure you're OK?

DAVID: I'm fine.

I told you, I am perfect.

I just need to fucking clean up.

All right, will you-- OK.

Do you want me to go?

'Cause I'll go if
you want me to go.

DAVID: I don't want you to go.

I swear to God, I
don't want you to go.

Just let me take a shower, OK?

All right.

[clears throat]

[stammers]

What?

I asked you for my key
back because I should

have never gave it to you.

[scoffs]

And I don't want you to get
upset, because it's not--

-No.
-It's not you.

I'm not asking for it back.

I'm not upset.

'Cause of you, I'm saying
I want it back because--

-No, I'm fine.
-I fucked up.

I'm a jerk.
-OK.

And I don't want
you to be mad at me.

That's fine, that's fine.

That's fine.

I'll just be on my merry way.

Here.
[keys clatter]

See?
Now you're mad.

-No, I'm not mad.
-Oh, you're not mad?

I'm not mad.

I'm just gonna get my stuff
and go on my way here.

I mean, I wish you had just--
I wish you told me about this

before, you know?

As if this is just--

What happened is you've never
broken into my house before.

I didn't break into your house.

Well, now you have to.

No, OK.

It's fine.

Goodbye.

Look, I'm sorry.

Don't bother me.

[brushes teeth]

Jack, you getting up?

You gettin' up?

[mutters]

Two rabbis are sitting on
a park bench in New York.

Hey, Max.

DAVID: The first
rabbi says, what

the hell is wrong with you?

You're normally a happy guy.

You look like someone died.

The rabbi says, my son,
he's married a Catholic.

And--

I need to talk to you.

DAVID: --he has
become a Catholic.

The rabbi, at this point,
says, I understand.

My son has left the faith
and become Protestant.

Just then, God parts the
sky, reaches down from Heaven

and says, hey, tell me about it.

[laughs]

Right.

DAVID: Tommy told
me this joke, and--

MAXINE: I need to talk to you.

OK.

I'm leaving.

I'm moving to California.

I got this job at work.

And I applied for it
about a month ago.

And I didn't think I was
going to get it, and I did.

And I'm moving to California.

I mean, if you want to
come with me, that's great.

But, um, I'm going.

I'm gonna go.

MAXINE: OK.

You're barely even
fucking reacting.

I mean, I'm moving across
the country and leaving.

I'm gone.

I'm gonna take this with me.

MAXINE: I can't
believe you're saying

absolutely fucking nothing.

I'm leaving.

I'm moving.

You didn't think there was
a point to tell me sooner?

MAXINE: No, I didn't think there
was a point to tell you sooner,

'cause if I didn't
get it, then I'd

be going through this
bullshit for nothing.

There's no point to
go through all this

for absolutely nothing.

But now I'm going, because
I fucking need to go.

And-- and I'm not gonna not go.

I'm not.

[ICE CREAM TRUCK CHIMING IN
DISTANCE]

[knock on door]

JACK: It's Jack.

So?

You talked?

She talked.

She's leaving.

She-- she says she's leaving.

DAVID: So she's leaving you?

She says a lot of things.

So when is she going on this,
uh-- this vacation or whatever?

As soon as I give
her the money.

DAVID: She hasn't left yet.

If she hasn't left yet, then why
is she gonna leave, you know?

If-- if you can prevent
her from leaving--

JACK: She hasn't left
yet, because I haven't

given her the fucking money.

I haven't emptied my
bank account into hers.

You think that's all she wants?

You think that's all
she wants, the money?

She's been living with you for
God knows how long so finally

one day she says she's
leaving and gets,

you know, a little
money from you?

She has no fucking
idea what she's doing,

what she's fucking taken away.

She has absolutely no clue.

I'm supposed to, like, make
up some kind of ambition

so I can be on the same fucking
wavelength as her or something.

I'm with her in the
same fucking apartment.

And I couldn't
fucking-- I couldn't

get that through-- I could-- I
kept telling her-- I'm right--

I was right here.

You know?

And then just--
and she-- she just

keeps fucking criticizing me.

And, you know, I wanted
to fucking sock her.

Bu instead I just fucked
up my security deposit

by putting my hand through
the fucking drywall--

through the drywall.

You know, you can yell
all you want, you know?

I mean, I've yelled at
people who get angry.

But you can't fucking-- I
mean, it's like, it's not

something I have to tell you.

It's just something you learn
when you're a little kid,

you know, I mean, I
understand you're upset.

But, I mean, you can't--
you got to calm down.

You got to talk to her.

You know what I mean?

I mean, you-- just--
you can't fucking even

threaten to do shit like that.

It's just not right.

You're right.

You're right.

OK.

DAVID: I'm sorry
about this, man.

Now, I mean, you can stay
here as long as you want.

But I really think
you should go back--

I'll go back.

I mean, I-- I mean that.

I mean, I've-- you
don't have to go.

I'm here.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And I'm just fucking
sitting around trying

to take a nap anyways.

It doesn't fucking matter.

But I think when you--
you should go there,

and you should try to calmly
say whatever you have to say.

All right.

All right.

All right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Grab-- Can you grab that door?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[knock on door]

[frantic knocking]

Hold on a minute.

Hey.

Hey.

Come on in.

You all right?

I'm not all right.

OK, I know.

I know you're not all right.

I mean, how bad are you?

So you talked to Jack?

He came over.

The last think I really
ever fucking intended to do

was destroy his life.

And that's all it feels
like I'm doing right now.

But you know what?

I can't stick around and be with
somebody who absolutely wants

nothing to do with me at all.

And I fucking-- 'cause he
doesn't fucking listen to me.

You didn't see him, Dave.

You didn't see him
knocking our shit around.

You didn't see him
so angry at me.

I just-- I need to go
off and do my own thing.

I can't be here anymore.

All right.

I'm sorry, all right?

I'm sorry.

Come on, just--
just calm-- I mean,

just try to calm down, OK?

MAXINE: Thanks
for understanding.

I'm sorry I've been so stupid.

[maxine chuckles]

I just-- I care
about you guys a lot.

MAXINE: I know.

I know you do.

MAXINE: I know, I know, I know.

I know you do.

I don't care about a lot
of people, to be honest.

I'm not a nice person.

MAXINE: Yes, you are.

You're nicer thank you look.

DAVID: I am?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLING) You're
nicer than you look.

DAVID: Don't tell anybody.

[laughs]

Is that a secret?

[sighs]

I just don't want to know
that I'm destroying his life.

DAVID: You're not
destroying his life.

You are doing what
you needed to do.

And he'll be all right.

I'll take care of him.

[giggles]

DAVID: I'll take care of him.

Yeah, don't laugh.

[chuckles]

Thanks.

I know you will.

DAVID: I think we
should let him cool off.

I think you should
stay here tonight.

[laughs]

You should-- you
sleep on the bed.

I'll sleep on the--
the chaise longue.

MAXINE: Chaise longue?

Thank you, David.

You're welcome.

You're tired, right?

Yeah.

I'm tired.

Um, you want me to
turn off this light?

Yeah, that'd be great.

DAVID: Good night.

Good night.

Thanks.

Where's David?

CLUB OWNER: He's
in the back room.

I'm your funny man.

That's why I should get
a Friday night, David.

I should get a Friday night.
I deserve--

Why do you-- why?

I'm trying to do my work.

Why do you come and you ask me?

Do I own this place?

No, that's fine.

DAVID: Why don't you
talk to the owner?

He doesn't like me.

It's not that he
doesn't like you.

He just doesn't
think you're funny.

CLUB OWNER: David!

That's-- it's not-- do you
see where there's a conflict?

If he owns a comedy club,
he doesn't think I'm funny?

David, you know it's funny.

You know I'm all
about the funny.

The owner thinks Rezy's funny.

He puts him on stage.

Yeah, he likes him.

I like him.

I don't understand.

I mean, he's terrible.

All the other comics hate him.

The guy doesn't even know what
the flashlight's all about.

He has no idea what
the light means.

Now, tell him to
watch the light.

DAVID: No one else cares
about the flashlight.

That's how they get off stage.

God forbid, I would
love to be able to do

a nice weekend night.

But until then, I'm
hosting, all right?

It's my responsibility,
all right?

The other comics, they know when
I flash the light they get up.

I tell Rezy about the light.

He looks to me and goes,
like, the only light I

respect is the light--
-What do you want?

-The light of God.
-What do you want?

What do you want?

What can I do to help you?

CLUB OWNER: David!

I'm thinking I call
in sick on Thursday.

Or I asked this guy,
what do you want?

What can I do you?

Let's settle this right now.

COMEDIAN: OK, it's--

I give up.

[music playing]

Everything looks good out there.

What I need is, I need to
leave for, like, two hours.

And I promise, I
will-- I'll stay late.

CLUB OWNER: No.

I'll do what--

CLUB OWNER: If I
left for two hours,

you don't get paid tomorrow.

See, I know that.

And that's why I'm--
I'm asking you.

I'm not-- if you don't
want me to go, I won't go.

But I'm gonna be very sad,
and I'm not gonna be able to--

It's 5:30 now.

Get back here by 7:30.

We need you here at a half an
hour before the club opens.

DAVID: I'll be here.
-I got to have you.

All right.
Just go.

DAVID: That's OK?

-Go.
-Thank you.

You always do this for me.

CLUB OWNER: All
right, all right.

Thank you.
CLUB OWNER: Go, go.

Go, go, go, go.

I want to know how much
I appreciate it, though.

CLUB OWNER: Go.

Thank you.

He was, like, pulling people
off each other, going, stop it!

Oh, god.

[laughs]

JACK: That's pretty funny.

Yeah.

Yeah, so, uh, I
think David and I

are gonna get a place together.

Oh.

JACK: Probably, like,
a little further west.

Rent's cheaper.

REBECCA: That's great.

Yeah.

[child shouting in distance]

Move, you son of a bitch.

[chuckles]

You know, this is
your special couch.

I don't want to hurt it.

So, uh, I don't mean to pry.

But, now, uh, you know,
we're, like, roommates now.

So, uh, I want to know if, uh,
you're ever gonna get laid.

You know what I'm saying?

Because I've tried
to set you up.

Yeah, I know you have.

And yeah, you know?

And I took a lot of my time.

And I really appreciate it.

Hey.

All Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Got some interesting
stuff over here.

Especially like-- like this.

This is nice.

(HISPANIC ACCENT) Si, senor.

Give me your love, baby.

Uh-huh.

Come on, you love that.

Yeah, it's good.

-You're mad.
-I'm not.

I'm not mad.
-No, you're mad.

It's just-- it's none of
your business, you know?

I'm sorry.

OK?

I'm sorry.

I just-- I-- I want
you to get laid.

I want you to be
a normal person.

I want you to go out and
meet people and have sex.

I don't want you
sitting in your room,

you know, reading trashy
novels like an old lady.

But normal-- normal
people-- normal people

don't have sex every day
with a different woman.

That's where you're wrong.

That's where you're wrong.

But I'm sorry nonetheless.

-OK.
-All right?

Yeah.

[music playing from club]

All right, we got to go.

Come on.

Come on.

Bye.

[opera music]

DAVID: I'm making gravy.

You got red gravy over here.

What it is, is once the
meat mixes with the red,

then we've got red gravy.

The agony about
boiling the water

is finding the amount of
time to boil the water.

You have to know to just put
a little bit of olive oil.

You see?

I should have my
own cooking show.

I'm really good at this stuff.

You make people are
very, very aggravated

if you call it a gravy sauce.

Now you can go home for
your mama's gravy and--

David.

DAVID: What?

You're a Jew.

What are you trying to say?

JACK: Leibowitz.

I'm saying you're--
you're Jewish.

You're not from Sicily.

Don't lick the spoon.

DAVID: What?

See?

I'm not pretending anything.

There's no pretending
into my identity.

But I know this, OK?

I lived among them.

And I'm like Tarzan.

Right.

You know.

JACK: So the Italians are apes?

Yeah, they are.

Have you ever hung
out with any Italians?

They are a bunch
of fucking apes.

I'm sure.

JACK: Believe me, I know
I'm a Jew, every day.

And you remind others
around you every day.

[indistinct tv chatter]

These are really-- very good.

-Is it?
-Yeah.

Is it?

You want more?

No, I'm fine.

You have more.

[saw whirring]

[distant hammering]

[train rumbling]

[music playing]

[quiet moaning]

[laughter]

This is really all I have.

[laughter]

So that's why I-- I feel--

You look really nice.

Thanks.

DAVID: To what do I owe
this great pleasure?

Just stopping by.

What'd you do today?

Nothing.

You, uh, you want to
do something later?

Do you want to-- I mean,
is that what this is about?

Yeah.

Yeah, I want to do something.

DAVID: I got to-- I'm
gonna go in the back.

Give me, like-- give
me, like, 20 minutes.

Give me 20, 30 minutes.

I'm gonna go in the back.

I'm gonna get the
receipts together.

So if he comes in tomorrow--
he's setting up the bar,

you know?

He left-- he left--

OK.

20 minutes.

(BRITISH ACCENT) Hello, sir.

How are you, sir?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello, yes.

The world upside-down.

Oh!

Oh, right, the game.

[mumbling] Good evening.

All right, again.

Upside-down world!

[groans]

Bleh.

All right.

That's where that came from?

I thought it was a
guy on the [inaudible].

Do you know where the
hand truck came from?

[chatter]

Horse changed the
history of warfare.

Um, prior to--

Did the Romans have horses?

They did, of course.

The chariots.

But what happened-- what
happened in North America

was the-- the warfare
became very ritual.

And the whole story was about
trying to capture the prince.

You capture the aristocracy.

And then you bring them
home, and you torture them

and kill them at home.

But there was no killing
of civilians or anything

like that.

So it was a very contained
and very highly codified

way of doing this controlled
violence on people.

Suddenly you have this
embodiment of the enemy.

In my work, um, it's always the
thing that gives me the most

pleasure to be able to deal
with materials in a really

honest and direct way.

And I have a difficult
time doing that.

Usually I'm very distanced
from it because of the design

aspect of the things that I do.

And I suppose you
don't have that.

There's-- there's--
there are-- there are

plenty of things in the world.

I'm not interested in making
more things, more objects.

MAN: What are you
interested in making?

Well, I-- I suppose
what I focus on-- I--

I keep a rather, uh--
just a tail journal.

But, I mean, at that,
the only function

it has is completely
self-serving for myself,

you know?

Do you have any sense that this
writing, these things that you

do will eventually
go out in the world,

even though you just
do it for yourself now?

I--

That you could mine
that material, or--

I-- I-- I wouldn't--
I'm not really--

I'm not comfortable with that.

I'm assuming for
yourself, there's

no separation between what
you do to pay the bills

or what your art is.

Well, I try to.

I try to defeat that separation.

I think the world around
us always makes us kind

of put things in compartments.

But my interest is
infusing those things

and bringing them together
and actually finding

a dynamic that occurs when you
squish them together like that.

And I also think
that, you know, you

do these things for yourself.

But ultimately, you know,
you don't live by yourself.

You're living as part
of a-- a human matrix.

And eventually, that stuff
that you do as your own work

becomes work for all of us.

Have you ever thought
about, uh, a family?

I-- I have two daughters.

And a wife.

And I enjoyed being with you.

I enjoyed talking with you.

And I am intrigued by your
inability to compromise.

I've found this
compartmentalization of the--

of my life-- my family,
my work, my art, my men--

to be very difficult to balance.

I need, uh, someone I could
talk to about that, Jack.

Let's see you again.

Uh, OK.

MAN: Will you call me?

Yeah.

MAN: Here's my card.

I have a service,
24 hours a day.

I'll take a message.

Always available for you.

I have a boat.

We can go fishing,
maybe spend a weekend.

OK.

MAN: Call me, Jack.

I-- I will.

I will.

[music playing]

[tv chatter]

DAVID: So how was
your day today?

What?

DAVID: I said, how
was your day today?

Just fine.

DAVID: Yeah?

Yeah.

I had a great day too.

JACK: Heh.

How's life at the club?

It was great.

Tommy actually made me laugh for
real for the first time today.

I mean, on stage, not,
like, looking at him.

So, uh, you know,
what'd you do today?

Did you, uh-- did you go
out after work at all, or--

JACK: No, I've been here.

I'm just wondering
if you, you know,

went out with any--
you know, anyone today.

Like one of my
ex-girlfriends, like

Rebecca or something like that.

No, I didn't talk to her today.

DAVID: Oh, you didn't talk, huh?

You know, I was just
wondering, you know,

if you're gonna sex with
her, like, in front of me.

You know?

Now that you're
sleeping with her.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

DAVID: No, I mean,
it's-- I don't mind.

I think it's great.

In fact, I wanted to know,
you know, like, how you do it.

Do you, like, you know, maybe--
'cause when I dated her,

it was pretty boring.

It was pretty sex, actually.

I'm just wondering if you,
like, bent her over and dipped

her head in butter and rolled
her in dough or something,

you know?

I don't know.

I mean, something (CHUCKLING)
that you, you know, enjoy.

I mean, because I
want you to be happy,

because you don't have
sex with anyone else.

I just wanted you to-- you know.

You know, I'm just--
I'm happy for you.

Because, you know--

David.

I'm not fucking Rebecca.

It's right there
under your chin.

Are you just, like,
not believing me.

(MOUTH FULL) I
don't believe you.

What do you want me to say?

I don't believe you.

I've seen you out together.

You know what?

Believe--

You're all over her?

I'm all over her?

Yeah, you're all over her.

Been touching her hair
and sitting there.

You know if I'm wrong?

It's not my fault I'm wrong,
because you're the one that

doesn't talk to me about it.

It's-- I'm-- I'm--

You're what?

Look, I had-- I had this
reservation because I don't-- I

don't-- the-- the gravity
of-- of the things has--

has to do with me.

It doesn't really
have to do with us.

And I'm sorry that
our relationship

has suffered from it.

What?

I-- I haven't-- I haven't--

Word up.
Tell me.

Tell me what you
want to tell me.

I-- I haven't let-- let you in
on-- on what I've been doing,

because I'm--

Because you're what?

[sighs]

No, tell me, 'cause
I'd like to know.

Because I'm not sure
about your reaction.

I-- what-- whatever.

Whatever.

No, if you're doing something,
I want to know about it,

especially it's of
something I think--

OK, OK, David, David.

Please, I--

I fuck men.

I-- I sleep with men.

And-- and-- and men fuck me.

It's-- and it's--
and-- I mean-- I mean,

it's-- it's totally separate
from you and I. I mean,

this is-- it-- it's
something that I know that

I've always wanted it, but I
haven't let myself want it,

you know?

I mean, I'm-- I'm still the
person that you'd known.

DAVID: When did this--
when did this happen?

That's--

You're having sex with men.

Well, what did I--
what did I just say?

So that means you're not gonna
help me pick up women anymore?

No, I-- I'll-- I'll still help
you-- help you get laid, man.

You'll be my lookout?

Yeah.

I'll be your hunch.

So yeah.

So this is--

Don't worry about it.

It's the same, right?

Just like anything else.

You haven't-- you haven't been
down to the club this week.

Uh, there's a new-- there's
a new kid from Ohio.

Heh.

Everyone's from Ohio or
Indiana or something like that.

Really?

I, um-- I just wanted-- it
would be nice for once to have,

like ,a regular thing, you know?

[chuckles]

You know what I mean?

This isn't Europe, you know?

I don't want to, like, uh, meet
in the afternoon for coffee

and then, you know, be
outta here before, you know,

Mr. Whoever gets home.

Is that just-- is that insane?

Is that just the craziest
idea in the world for us

to-- to be normal?

To be like, a-- you know?

What is normal, David?

I don't know.

What do you think normal--
I think people that go out

at night with each
other and don't

care what anyone else thinks or
who's gonna see them or-- hey.

David, you think too much.

No, I don't think too much.

Yeah, David, you do.

Come here.

Come here.

What?

I'm not sleeping
with anyone else.

That's nice.

Oh God, this is [inaudible].

I'll break my peanut free.

Just try.

I bite my thumb at you.

Whatever.

[elevator whirring]

So what are you up to now?

I don't have any plans.

How about yourself?

I'm supposed to meet somebody.

But, um, I don't know.

You want to get a beer?

Yeah.

Do you feel like
you're moving on,

or are you still in the midst of
dealing with that relationship?

No, I'm in the midst
of moving on, you know?

Right.
Right.

Good.

Are you gonna-- are
you gonna start dating?

No.

No.
CARLOS: Really?

Wow.

Well, I wouldn't-- I mean, I've
kind of-- I've become active.

CARLOS: Have you dating?

But I wouldn't really-- yeah,
I wouldn't call them dates.

But, uh--

CARLOS: Get with it?

Yeah.

Um--

CARLOS: What do you mean?

Well, I-- I've just-- I've just
been, you know, meeting people.

But we don't really--

Oh yeah?

What would you call them then?

Well, I know--

Sorry to hotbox
the cherry there.

Oh, it's OK.

That's what it's for.

So you've been having some--
some casual encounters,

you'd say?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Although they're--

That's cool.

I mean, that can be
really liberating.

JACK: They're actually kind of
formal, because there's kinda,

like a set way to go about it.

But, uh--

What do you mean?

JACK: Uh--

-You've been--
-I don't know.

- --looking in the classifieds?
-If-- if you're--

I'm sorry.
Let me--

If you're-- you're
wondering, it's, uh--

I've-- I've-- I've
been seeing men.

It's not--

Really?

Yeah, I'm--

Wow.

I--

Because I-- I mean,
I was wondering--

-Really?
- --if that was your preference.

Oh yeah.

Very much so.

You-- you might have
noticed me wondering.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

I-- I thought I--
I thought I had it.

Well, I mean, for me, uh, a lot
of times in knowing-- knowing

that that was what it
was about, you know,

somebody who is just
really, you know,

all about the-- the viscera
and the-- the engagement

of the physical contact.

If you know that, then
that's as far as, you know,

you take yourself.

Is this-- is this
OK to talk about?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean-- I
have-- I haven't-- I

haven't talked about it before.

But, you know--

CARLOS: Yeah.

It's a little difficult
to begin talking about.

Yeah.

It's OK though.

Do you want to kiss me?

Yeah.

I-- you know what?

I don't know.

Not now.

It's all right.

Ah.

I don't-- I don't-- I don't
think you're gonna-- hmm.

You're not-- you're not gonna--

[sighs]

No, I will.

But-- I mean, I-- I-- I--
I thought a lot about it.

And I know that I'm--
I'm-- I'm-- I'm right.

I mean, I know it's-- I--
I know I'm being, like,

you know, honest with myself.

Which is-- you know, which
you always wanted, right?

So-- uh-huh.

[sniffles]

Um, I wanted to-- to tell you
that, um-- like, you know, I

mean, it's been-- like, a
lot-- a lot of-- a lot of stuff

has brought it on.

But, you know--

[breathes hard]

My god.

A lot of things have, uh-- um--

[fighting back tears]

--made me--

[sobs]
No, I know.

I know.

Right, right.

OK, OK.

Um--

So I'm, uh--

I'm-- I'm gay.

And-- and I don't-- I--
I don't want-- like,

it's nothing like it has-- I
mean, it really has nothing

to-- to do with-- with you.

But I just wanted to tell
you, because, you know,

I-- I fucking-- I love you.

And I don't--

[weeping]

Yeah.

[crying]

OK.

Fuck, Mom.

Mom, I fucking love
you with all my heart.

OK.

All right.

Yeah.

No, I-- OK.

Goodbye.

You've helped me a
lot lately, David.

How's the sandwich?

DAVID: It's all right.

It's all right?

Good.

David, I don't bring you
over here to eat my food.

It's just a sandwich.

Did you at least
wash my dishes, huh?

What did you bring
me over here for?

What do you think I'd
bring you over here for?

You know perfectly
well while you're here.

Simple enough task, and
you can't even do it.

It's about that?

WOMAN: Yeah, it's about that.

I care about you.

Well, that's all very
nice, David, but you're--

I ate your sandwich
because I like you.

[chuckles]

What does that mean?

DAVID: Come on.

Come on what, David?

I really care about you.

I love you, all right?

You know?
Fine.

You want me to say it?

I want you to dump
your boyfriend.

I want you to be
with me, all right?

I want-- I want to be a couple.

[laughs incredulously]

You love me?

Yeah, I love you.

You love me?

I love you.

Fuck you, you love me.

Where do you get
off coming over here

and telling me that, David?

I don't need to hear this.

It's true.

Come here.

I don't need to
deal with this shit.

I really don't.

[soft grunting]

You know, a got a
couple irons in the fire.

You talking about the sitcom?

Yeah.

OK, you guys will
appreciate this.

Why?

This is something we're
targeting for-- for you guys.

All right, here it is.

We're the market group?

Tommy is gonna
play an ex-Marine--

Yeah.

--who has to go
back to the Marine

Corps for just six months
to fulfill his active duty.

It's like a technicality.

The paperwork got dropped.

Here's the twist.

He is gay.

He's become gay.

And he can't-- he can't
say anything about it.

It's called "Don't
Ask, Don't Tell."

I've heard this,
like, six times.

Yeah, it's--

I can't believe
Carlos hasn't heard it.

How often do I have everyone--

I think he's got the gist.

Give him a little scene.

Give him a little scene.

Give him an example.

(IN CHARACTER) God damn it.

Who rearranged my desk drawer?

Do you have anything
to say, Private?

(IN CHARACTER) Well,
yeah, it was me, Sergeant.

But all your socks
were in the wrong area.

And your underwear needs to be
over in the underwear section.

The whole thing
has no order to it.

Are you--

Hey, don't ask, don't tell.

[both laugh]

Oh, very good.

Lovely.
-Jeff, come on.

You don't have to go.

No, I'll see you later.

Really-- really fucking funny.

Hey, see you, Carlos.

I'll see you guys later.

You know, if you
guys don't like it,

we can change the name.
"Homo Pyle, USMC."

How about that?

Huh?

I just--

You want to know whether
I'm fucking other men?

You want to have an
assurance that I'm not?

Yes.

I want to have an assurance that
you're not, that you're not--

Then-- OK.

Then if-- if I'm not
fucking other men,

I assume you're asking me
that because you don't want

to be fucking anybody else.

No, I don't.

And then-- and
then what is that?

You're asking for a commitment.

It's a contract.

And what is a contract?

What is a vow except for
something to be-- to be broken?

I'm-- I'm just frightened
that it's-- that it's all

gonna get blown to shit.

Is--
-No.

- --what we've had--
-What's--

I'm just-- I'm just--
looking for a promise to-- not

a promise, but just to-- to
continue what we've been-- I--

I just-- I just
want to keep the--

Well, I'm looking to
continue to have it be good.

And to have it in as long
as-- as long as it is.

Then there's no-- there's
no need for definitions.

There haven't been these heavy
black lines drawn around what

our relationship is.

You-- you know, you do all this
to, like, learn about somebody.

And you invest all
this time and energy.

And for what?

It-- it gets flushed
down the fucking toilet.

And one day--

I'm aware.

--you decide that
maybe you're not the one.

And they betray you.

I just-- I can't take any more.

All right.

OK.

The-- the question is, you
know, is he willing to just--

just be with me, you know?

And that's--

Is he with you when
you guys are together?

So what else do you want?

What do you mean,
what else do I want?

This isn't-- this isn't--

What?

What are you getting
so upset about?

I'm just wondering.

Like, you know, like, what
you-- what you want out of him,

you know?

You guys have fun,
you go out together.

Why can't it just be a
thing like, you know,

like people having a good time?

Why do you have to get
all serious right away?

'Cause that's not what I want.

Can't you see what
you're doing though?

You're trying to,
like, force it.

You're trying to make
something serious right away.

You don't even know
what it is, you know?

I mean, come on.

It's just some guy, you know?

I mean, don't worry about it.

He's-- he's not just
some fucking guy.

[chuckling]

You-- you know, what are
you getting so upset about?

You know that I support
this stuff, you know?

It's not a big deal.

No, I don't fucking know that.

-You don't know?
-No.

You don't know?

So what are you saying?

You're saying I
don't support that.

You're saying I
don't support that?

You're getting all mad?

You're gonna run away?

You're my friend.

DAVID: You're gonna run away.

You know-- you know-- you're--
you're acting very emoti--

JACK: Fuck you.

Yeah, fuck you.

[OBJECTS CLATTERING IN ANOTHER
ROOM]

[frantic knocking]

JACK: Come on!

Chicken shit!

[knocking]

What the fuck do you want?

JACK: Get out here!

[knocking]

Get the fuck away from my door.

You have to deal
with me, all of me!

You see this--

--what I fucking am.

This is my room right here.

I didn't question the room.

Your head is in
my fucking room.

Your head is in my fucking room.

Get it the fuck out of my face.

No, fuck you, I'm not
getting away from your door.

Now that I fuck guys, you
can't fucking talk to me?

I talk to you all the time.

I talk to you
about fucking guys.

You talk fucking bullshit.

You're the one that
can't handle it.

When I was fucking women, you
wanted to hear all about it.

Now I'm fucking guys, you
can't fucking handle it.

You've never fucked one woman.

Fuck you, man.

Get the fuck away
from my door right now.

I don't give a shit
about your door, man.

You didn't even fucking ask--

And you need to
fucking talk to me!

You can't--

I'll talk to you-- I'll
talk to you over there.

I'm not gonna talk in
front of my fucking door.

Get the fuck in there,
and I'll talk to you.

-I'll talk to you right here.
-That's my room right there.

That's not yours.

I don't give a shit
about your fucking room.

Your apartment ends right here.

My apartment begins here.

You get the fuck in there.

Get in here, and
I'll talk to you.

No.
No.

What-- what the fuck-- what
the fuck are you gonna do?

You have to deal
with me right here.

You don't fucking care that I'm
sitting there on the bus trying

to talk to you.

You weren't talk--

You fucking insulted me.

You-- you weren't
fucking to me, man.

You were talking at me.

You were fucking mocking me.

DAVID: I'm not mocking you.

I'm not mocking you.

I make jokes because that's
the way I deal with people.

You had-- were you joking
when you said that you

didn't think I was your friend?

Were you joking when you
said you don't-- I asked you.

I said you know
that I support you.

And you said, no,
I don't know that.

Because I don't fucking know.

How can you not know that?

Do you listen to
my fucking problems?

I listen to you every
time you talk to me.

Bullshit, man.

Bullshit.

Tonight I tried to talk to you.

What do you do?

You make jokes.
You make fucking jokes, David.

I make jokes.
That's what I do.

You fucking got off the bus.

I didn't get off the bus.

I sat right on that bus, and
you ran off like a little baby.

What?

No.

You acted like a
fucking baby about it.

All right, what do
you want to hear?

I'm sorry.
OK?

Did you hear that?
Is that what you want to hear?

-I don't want to hear any--
-Is that what you want to hear?

You want to hear that I'm sorry?

I'm sorry.

I don't want to hear
any fucking apologies.

Sorry I hurt your feelings.

But I was just
fucking talking to you

the way I would talk to you if
you ever had sex with women.

In fact, the fact that you're
gay makes a lot of sense.

You know?

I'm just saying, why
should I give you any more

than I would give anyone else.

I'd treat you just
like everyone else.

If that's bad, fine.

I treat people bad.

David's an asshole.

It's that old thing again--
David, the fucking asshole.

David's a prick.

David-- you know, whatever.

I mean, go live
with Rebecca then.

You know?

I mean, what do
you want from me?

Look, I don't to fuck Rebecca.

Yeah, get with her,
because it's just like,

I mean-- just Give me
a break, all right?

You want to talk?

Let's fucking talk.

So-- so when I had
fucking problems with Max,

I could talk to you about it.

But no.

But-- but now--

That's different.

How is it different?
Tell me.

-That was your girlfriend.
-Please.

That was your girlfriend.

You lived with her.

Hey.

This is just some fucking guy.

No, man.

You know, I mean,
I don't fuck--

when I talk to you about
some broad I meet at a bar,

I don't fucking
treat it the same.

This isn't some fucking
broad that I met in a bar!

This is a person
that I care about.

This is a person that
I think I fucking love!

I didn't know it
meant that much to you.

I'm sorry.

This is what I was
trying to tell you, David.

DAVID: I'm sorry, all right?

I didn't know.

I mean, I still think
we can still make jokes.

That's how-- that's how my
people deal with things.

We make jokes.

Your people.

DAVID: I'm fucking sorry, OK?

When I'm mad, if a gay guy's
in front of me, he's a faggot.

If it's some fucking
Mexican guy, he's a spic.

I don't care.

You can call me a kike.

I don't care.

All I care about is
the fact that we're OK.

I want to be OK.

We're not talking
about "some guy."

We're not talking about
"some kike" and " some fag."

When you're mad,
you are "some guy."

We're not talking about Jack.

I'm sorry.

JACK: David, I'm not looking
for a fucking apology.

Well, you got one.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

I just-- you know, it-- there--
there's-- there's nobody--

there's nobody else that I
can talk to about this, man.

So if you--

DAVID: You can talk to me
about-- look, just tell me

when it's time to
be, you know, real.

Now, you can accept my apology,
because I'm giving you one.

I really am.

I'm really fucking sorry.

I really am.

[dance music, chatter]

--in the nude, in the
middle of a thunderstorm.

Yeah.

And, I mean, you
know, he breaks in.

You know, it's such
a Romeo and Juliet.

Tyler.
Hey, man.

-What's going on, man?
-Good.

How's it going?
-Pretty good.

What's going on?

Nothing.

I-- I want you to meet this
really good friend of mine

that I met recently.

This is Jack.

Hey, how's it going, man?

Two-- two more gin and tonics.

Yeah, any particular gin?

Bombay Sapphire.

OK.

Preferably.

You know, you don't
have to buy me a drink.

Excuse me?

I said you don't have
to buy me a drink.

I'm good.

I'm not buying you a drink.

You're right.

I won't let you buy me a drink.

For me and for my
friend Tommy over there.

Well, good.

Well, you know what?

Get me one of those too.

All right Same thing?

Thanks.

And you know what?

I'm gonna take care
of all of this.

You don't have to-- you're
gonna take care of it?

MIRABEL: I'm gonna take it.
You have a problem with that?

Yeah, you don't have
to take care of it.

-I'm gonna take care of it.
-You know what?

This is for all three.
No, no, it's--

10 even.

I just-- I--

[chuckles]

Mm?

I just don't want you
to-- to think that I

was trying to-- you know.

I was just--

I bought you a drink.

I bought you two drinks.

How about that?

Heh-heh.

Well, thank-- thank you.

I'm Mirabel.

What's your name?

I'm David.

David.

That's a beautiful name.

Uh, not really.

Yeah, it is.

It's like the statue.

[giggles]

So, um, David and
I went to, uh-- we

went to college together.

Oh wow.

Really?

I told you, I went to Wesleyan.

Oh, very small world, isn't it?

He manages a comedy
club now, you know?

Oh really?

How interesting.

Which one?

Set 'Em Jokes over on Hallstatt.

[murmurs of approval]

I can't believe
she's married now.

Baby doll, come dance with us.

I know, I do.

I completely do.

You know, it's just
a matter of, like--

I almost thought of going on
in there and saying, hey, look--

[overlapping conversations]

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Is it OK if I-- I'm gonna
stay for a while, so.

Yeah, OK.

I want to-- I want to--

OK, well, you know--

I'll call you if you want.

Yeah, call me later on.

MAN: I was-- you were
there, uh, the day

that I stole the [inaudible].

You saw it, yeah.

And you put it on the turntable.

MAN: Which one was it?

MAN: Yeah, we're just,
like, in the middle--

Hey, thanks a lot.

Hey, hey, good
meeting you, man.

-Yeah.
-Have a good night.

Yeah, so I don't think--

Good night, Jack.

Never.

It's country music.

[music playing]

DAVID: Is there
something wrong with you?

I mean, I'm just asking, because
I would like to know if-- I

mean, if there's some
sort of problem that

I don't know about because--

MIRABEL: (LAUGHING) What
are you talking about?

My fucking knee is-- my knee
is bleeding all over the place.

I don't know what the
hell that was all about.

I mean, you didn't say
two words the whole time.

I mean, did I do
something wrong?

I'm not laughing-- I just--
I'm worried that, you know,

you have, like, some kind of
problem or that you, you know,

I mean, like, are you
worried about me being here.

I mean, I'm, you
know-- I'm not mad.

I'm just concerned, you know?

I would like to know what
the hell that was all about,

you know?

I mean, you drag me across
the floor like that.

You fuck up my knee.

OK.

You are gettin' a
little emotional.

DAVID: Yeah, you're damn right
I'm getting a little emotional.

I mean, someone just gave
me this massive rug burn.

MIRABEL: Calm down.

DAVID: Is that, like, what
you and your husband do?

Do you, like, you know, drag
each other across the rug?

You know, I mean,
he's-- he's gone.

So now you have to, you
know, replace him somehow.

I would just like to know.

No one's ever given me a
rug burn like that before.

MIRABEL: Are you done?

I'm done if you're
gonna explain

to me what the fuck happened.

I don't need to
explain anything to you.

DAVID: You drag me
across your rug.

You give me this
fucking rug burn?

I mean, look at my leg.

I didn't give you anything.

I think it's time for you to go.

I'll go.

I don't have a problem.

You think I'm gonna
stay for that?

I'm gonna stay for round two?

What's next?

You leave me with a bloody nose?

MIRABEL: I don't know
what you were expecting.

I was expecting not to leave
this fucking place bleeding.

That's what I was expecting.

Her arms were pulling me in,
and her legs were pushing back.

[snickers]

This would only
happen to you, David.

You have to be more discerning
with your-- your dates.

(DEEP GERMAN ACCENT)
Welcome to the Hellfire Club.

I have the pleasure
now to introduce

the comedy and
soul-stealing stylings

of Satan, Prince of Devil.

Think about [inaudible].

[imitates fanfare, explosions]

Pyrotechnics come
up from the stage.

And all of a sudden,
Satan appears.

[raucous cheering]

[applause and whoops]

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hello.

I'm Satan.

It's no big deal.

I need you to lock
up from here on.

-You serious?
-Can you handle that?

-Yeah, I can do it.
-Can you handle that for me?

I can so handle it.

You know I'm ready.

I think I can handle it.

'Cause I-- I mean,
I can't come back.

I mean, I--

I got it.

It means a lot to me.

All right.
-No problem.

-OK, you're gonna be OK?
-Yeah, I got it.

All right.

Thank you.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
I can't blame you.

The path of righteousness is
into the realm of darkness.

I like it up here, but
I like it over here.

I don't like-- I'm not gonna
dance on the edge like you.

All right, well--

You know, I'm--

Well, I'm not getting up.

You're gonna make me get up?

Yes, please.

You think I'm scared?

You think I'm-- I'm gonna
show you how scared I am.

I'm gonna put it-- put it
right up here with yours.

I'm gonna get my beer,
go right to here.

Then you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna sit down right next
to you, you sit down next to me,

and we're all cozy right
up here in the danger.

There was a girl that
I liked very much.

You got to trust me that,
uh, she would have had me.

I would've--
would've been really

happy to-- to be faithful or do
whatever she wanted me to do.

Who?

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

It's one of the girls.

I think I'm-- I'm a victim
of circumstance, if you want

my honest opinion, which is--

Yeah, I understand that.

I mean, I'm-- I'm guilty
of the same thing.

[clears throat]

Because, you know, like,
I-- I-- I don't know.

Like, I feel like
I've set myself

up for some kind of
uncertainty with-- with Carlos.

I mean, like, I really
don't-- don't know

what's going on with him.

I mean, lots of ti-- I
mean, when he opens up,

it's just like this,
you know, floodgate.

DAVID: You think he's faithful?

I have no idea.

We both know that he
never made any promises.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I-- you know, I-- I
hope that I'm wrong.

And he's, uh-- but come on.

You just-- you just don't know.

No, yeah.

DAVID: That's my
point now is you

just don't know with people.

Unless you talk them
into marrying you,

who knows what they're gonna do?

That's my feeling.

The next time I meet
a girl like that,

I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

Just get it over with.

Just fucking dive in the grave.

That's all it is.

Marriage is like, just
jump in head-first.

Bury me.

Hey.
-Hey.

Hi.

[music playing]

Woo!

[grunts]

Oh!

[stomping]

(LAUGHING) What--
what-- what is that?

[roars]

I am the kosher trample!

Aah-- oh.

[laughter]

(SINGSONG) I am the
Jewish werewolf.

I need--

[growls]

JACK: David, please.

No.

(LAUGHING) No, no.

OK.

OK.

[david howls]

What the fuck are you doing?

DAVID: I am the kosher hot dog.

Oh, all right.

DAVID: I'm the Jewish werewolf.

OK.

DAVID: Get in here!

JACK: OK.

[drunken mumbling]

All right.

I--

[fierce growl]

[giggles]

Come on.

OK.

You ready?

Where are we going?

[inaudible].

OK.

You are.

You're the number-one-- you.

[drunken mumbling]

What?

I just-- I want
to just thank you.

OK.

All right.

OK.

That's great.

Oh!

I do not need you.

All right.

All right.

Oh god.

It started in Israel.

Like in the-- they
have this thing.

OK.

--[drunken mumbling]
I love this bed.

You're gonna be all right?

[mumbling]

I-- I need you.

David, go to sleep.

I want to be a part of you.

David, go to sleep.

CARLOS: Jack.

So what do you
want to do tonight?

I don't know.

[tv chatter]

Oh my god.

That was, like,
the most expensive

ambrosia salad I've ever had.

Let's go.

Oh shit.

Hey.

Hey.

How's it going?

All right.

What are you guys up to?

Not much.

We're talking about walking.

Yeah?

We're-- we're walking too.

Can I talked to you?

Well, we're kind of
supposed to meet somebody.

A little bit late.

But, um-- I-- I can call you.

Now, look, let me talk to you.

Look, I'll just be a second.

Sorry.

What?

Who's that?

Uh, It's a friend.

We're having dinner, you know?

Is that OK?

I mean, you look
really-- I mean,

I-- it's OK that I go out and
have dinner with my friends,

isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's fine.

But, I mean, you haven't been--

[scoffs]

I mean, you've--
you've kind of been--

-Uh--
-Gone.

I mean, I don't know.

I don't think that's--
I don't think that's any

of your business
what you're asking,

what you're implying right now.

OK, well, is it my business
if you're fucking him?

Are you fucking him?

Is that my business?

Isn't not?

I guess it's not, no.

No?

No.

I'm sorry.

Look, you know, I'm just out.

We're supposed to
go meet somebody.

You know, I'll call you later.

I don't-- I don't
want to do this.

No, no, no, no.

Don't-- no, whatever.

Don't-- don't call me.

I don't-- I don't--

[sighs]

-I don't want to--
-No, go.

I don't want to do this here.

Go fucking meet
your people, man.

Whatever.

Look, I want to-- I
want to talk to you.

Go, go meet-- go
met whoever you want.

Go ahead.

I mean--

[chuckles]

I'm-- I'm fucking
disappointed in you.

I'm disappointed.

I'm sorry.

I'll call you, OK?

Whatever.

I don't know if this
makes you feel better.

But in my personal opinion,
you are 100 times better

looking than that guy.

[chuckles]

Thanks a lot.

I would never go out with him.

That means a lot to me.

I found your keys
with a note from Tommy

that I could barely
read sitting on the bar.

Now, I don't know what
the fuck that's about.

But I'll tell you something.

You fucked up royally--

All right.

--for the last time.

And--

I can explain.

Right then and there, I
don't need an explanation.

It's Tommy.

I've been thinking about this.

You got to get rid of Tommy.

It's not Tommy.

Tommy's a dumbass.

I don't expect
anything from Tommy.

I expected much better from you.

I've already come to a decision.

You're through.

You're out.
-I'm out?

CLUB OWNER: That's it.
You're done.

I'm done.

CLUB OWNER: Finished.

Look, I think we
can work this out.

CLUB OWNER: David, don't make
it any harder on yourself

than it has to be.

I think-- I'm thinking
about leaving Chicago.

You know, I'm not working.

And, uh--

[chuckles]

Can't even get on
a plane, 'cause I

don't have an Illinois
driver's license.

I just-- there's nothing--
there's nothing for me here.

I want to talk to you
before I do anything.

But I want to move out.

Because I don't know.

Because I-- I don't fucking
want to stay here anymore.

I mean, look at this.

(CHUCKLING) This fucking
neighborhood, you know?

This is what Chicago
has to offer me?

I want better than this.

I'm 26 years years old.

And I don't-- I
don't have a job.

And I live in the
fucking ghetto.

So-- so this is--
is just today?

This is just today
you're deciding this?

I mean-- mean, when--
when did you decide

that you were gonna leave?

I decided I wanted
to leave when--

When are you going?

DAVID: I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know where I'm going.

I don't know when I'm leaving.

I wanted to talk
to you about that.

And where are you going?

Where are you going, David?

Where's so fucking-- what-- what
paradise, what fucking nirvana

are you headed for?

Anything but Chicago.

That's where.

Something else.

Do you understand?

This isn't about you.

Chicago, to me-- it's--
it's this right here.

It's you and me
in this apartment.

I don't have all these,
you know, fucking

frivolous relationships.

It's just you and
I and that's it.

DAVID: So how long did you
think this was gonna last?

You think I was gonna
stay there forever?

I'm not responsible for you.

I'm responsible for me.

I'm coming to you.

I'm telling you, it's not
gonna be a fucking problem.

You know, you're acting like
some jilted fucking lover.

I'm not Max.

I'm not leaving you.

I'm moving.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, David.

DAVID: No, no, no,
no, no, fuck you.

[answering machine beeps]

DAVID (ON MACHINE): Hey, Jack.

This is David.

I got my ticket today.

I just wanted you to know
that I'm gonna be dropping

a check by later for you.

And I guess that's it.

Bye.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
4:48 PM, Sunday.

[machine beeps]

JACK: I don't, like, want you
to leave on this sour note.

DAVID: It's not sour.

Do you think I'm fucking you
over, and I get something back?

Is that right?

[chuckles incredulously]

[sighs]

Look, I--

DAVID: I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I-- I know.

I know you're-- no,
I-- well, yeah, I did.

I did say you were
fucking me over.

And I was, uh-- I was-- I
was out of line, you know?

Um.

I--

Just-- I just-- Jack,
I'm not mad at you.

I just feel like I've been a
really good friend, you know?

I'm not a good guy, you know?

I mean, I know I--
everything's wrong.

My morals are wrong, you know?

Oh, bullshit.

I'm fat, you know what I mean?

I'm-- I'm a big fucking slob.

But, you know, one thing
that I pride myself in

is that I think I'm a pretty
good friend, especially to you.

You are a good friend.

This is what I'm telling you.

And you're not
fucking bad person.

You-- you pretend
to be a bad person

'cause it gets fucking
yutz, you know?

And-- and that's whatever.

And--

DAVID: No, Jack.

I pretend to be that
person because sometimes I

don't even know if I
want to be a good person.

But when I'm--
when I'm with you,

I feel like I don't have to
worry about if I'm a good

person or if I'm a bad person.

And that's why, you
know, I could probably

fucking stay here forever.

But I don't want to, because
I don't want to fucking

stay here forever, you know?

I want to do something.

I want to go out there.

And I want to
fucking do something

better than what I have.

But, you know, I just want
you to know when I'm out--

when I'm out there,
whatever I'm doing, that--

I'm still your friend.

I know that now.

Before, I-- I couldn't
believe that, you know?

I-- I couldn't.

But-- but now I do.

And-- and it means
a great deal to me.

DAVID: So, more importantly,
this is the last beer.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, I got that.

DAVID: Are you gonna
go out and get more?

Or am I going out?

Do we go out together, or--

I'll go.

You have to-- you have
to go the powder room.

DAVID: I don't have to
go to the powder room.

[chuckles]

You got your ticket?

Hold this one second.

Yeah, I got it.

Just want to find where
this goddamn gate is.

I hate airports.

This is it right here.

You're seat 17.

That's seat 1 through 32.

All right.

Here's your fucking backpack.

Oh, I forgot that you had that.
Thanks.

Yeah.

Thanks a lot for
carrying that for me.

Hey, look, man.

Take care of yourself.

All right.

You're gonna be good?

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah, call me when you get in.

I will.

I will.

All right.

I'll talk to you soon.

Excuse me.

Uh, hi.

Do you know where gate
C, like, 1 through--

I think-- I think
it's over there maybe?

Or maybe you should better ask--

Do you think maybe
you could show me?

I'm-- I'm not familiar
with this airport.

Oh, my name's David.

Ugh.

Ugh.

[garage door whirring]

[metallic thud]

[music playing]