Straight Up (2019) - full transcript

I wish I
didn't have any holes.

If I didn't have to worry about

things going in and
out of my holes,

life would be so much easier.

Sure I'd have to give up
talking and I like talking,

but I'd also get to give
up public rest rooms.

I mean there's always
something on the seat lid,

it's just like why?

Historically I will
choose the handicap stall

which is my personal favorite

because it's
usually the cleanest



and it has the most leg room.

But lately I've been
experiencing increased anxiety

that some kid in a
wheelchair will be waiting

outside the stall when I exit

and he's going to glare
at me once he sees

that I'm clearly
physically unafflicted.

The more times I use
the handicap stall,

the likelier it is to happen.

It's like a car crash,

it's not a matter of if,
it's just a matter of when.

But then if I don't drive a car,

how will I get anywhere
when the bus is unreliable

and filled with homeless people?

Or social delinquents who
resemble homeless people.



I suppose if you
were truly homeless

you wouldn't take the bus either

because you couldn't afford it

or have nowhere to
go, one or the other.

Todd I think we're
getting a bit off topic.

Well it's my job
to be tangential,

it's your job to magically
relate everything to my problems.

Okay you treat sex like
the kid in a wheelchair.

The handicap stall is a metaphor

for your state of
sexual confusion,

and you're afraid of the kid

because he might tell you
you're in a wheelchair too.

But I'm not in a wheelchair.

You're in an
emotional wheelchair.

So does that mean I'm not gay?

I don't know, it's
just a metaphor.

I think I might not be gay.

- You're gay.
- You don't know that.

Todd your favorite
film is "Legally Blonde".

Well that's just it,

I've always dismissed
the possibility

of having any
heterosexual feelings,

but I think that's
because I've been

socially conditioned
to be gay, gay, gay.

Kids have been calling
me a faggot at recess

since the second grade,

I never really had
the opportunity

to explore the female gender.

So you wanna
start dating girls?

I think it would statistically
improve my love life.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but even if you
wanted to experiment,

I don't think you
would find anyone.

Girls aren't gay-blind anymore,

this isn't the '60s.

And you're no Rock Hudson.

I don't think that
I'm that transparent,

I could just be
metro. Or a hipster.

Todd you're like a Kinsey six.

Maybe a five when you're
not wearing cashmere.

Well I think that I can
get it down to a three.

Francis says that

- my masculinity has been
- His therapist.

suppressed by my own
precognitions of sexual identity,

and she think that
I could be happier

if I'm more aggressive and
I don't let political labels

like gay define me.

Sorry political labels?

Yes we choose to be gay.

Can I choose to punch
you in the face right now?

I don't mean that we choose
who we're attracted to.

Okay both of you stop.

Todd do you like gay sex?

He wouldn't know,

- he's never had any.
- What, no really?

I can't, it makes
me think of poop,

And I don't like poop.

The smell, the image, the sound,

the texture, not that
I've ever touched it,

oh God even thinking about
poop makes me want to vomit.

Does thinking about
vomit make you wanna poo?

Okay no one likes poop.

I could offer an
anecdote to the contrary.

What about Jerry?

You at least gave
him a blow job.

For a few seconds, it was
more of a blow consultation.

Maybe you're bisexual.

No I'm sorry this
is recockulous.

Todd you can not decide
that you're straight

just because you don't like

the gay people
you've been meeting.

I like girls, I've
always liked girls.

They're pretty, and they're
clean and they're soft.

You can find all those qualities
in a decorative pillow.

No you can't they're
not always soft,

that's why they're not
called functional pillows

and for two they're not always
clean unless you steam them.

- Oh my God.
- Todd I think

you're missing the point.

No you're missing the point.

I'm undergoing a severe
sexual identity crisis

and neither of my only two
friends are taking me seriously.

Okay I am sorry.

I support you so does Ryder.

- Yay.
- Thank you,

because I do need your help.

I'm still a little bit
scared of the p-word.

- Pillow?
- Poop?

No you know, meow.

Okay Todd, if you
can't say the word pussy,

you're definitely gay.

I can say it, I just
think it's vulgar.

Then say it.

Pussy.

Todd say I wanna
fuck some pussy.

I wanna fuck some pussy.

I'm straight.

I'm straight.

I'm straight, I
like bean burritos

and motorcycles and

motorcycles and pussy.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Do you come here a lot?

- What?
- I said do

you come here a lot?

Oh I thought you
said do I come a lot.

That's not what I said.

Yes on both accounts.

My boyfriend is a god.

Well as long as he doesn't
support religious genocide.

You're so cute!

My friend Tracy would love you.

- Tracy!
- Somebody rang?

Is anybody sitting here?

No I'm
completely alone.

Are you all right?

No I'm not.

- Okay.
- My best friend from home

was supposed to fly into
L.A. for my birthday,

but then some pigeon
ran into the engine...

Oh my God. Avian ingestion?

That's literally my
third worst nightmare.

What was the death count?

What?

No it just got delayed but then

now I have no one
to buy me drinks.

I can buy you a drink.

Really?

Do you wanna be
my birthday buddy?

- Okay.
- Yay, let's do shots.

My momma wanted me
to go to Ohio State

but I was like,
"I'm turning 18!"

That's 40 in pop star years.

Wait how old are you now?

18 but don't worry,

my momma installed me
with Southern values.

I do not hook up.

Like that Kelly Clarkson song,

"I Do Not Hook Up".

- Instilled.
- What?

And I think Ohio's
in the Midwest.

What are you tryna say?

So you shouldn't
have southern values.

Oh
yeah you're right.

I'm in L.A. now.

You've like done
this before right?

Oh yeah, yeah lots of times.

Oh good. Me too.
So many times.

- Oh God what is that?
- What's wrong?

Oh my God!

Get it off ooh!

It was like that
scene in "Alien"

after they eat dinner with the,

you know that scene?

Well I don't pay
you to laugh at me.

Your parents pay me.

Yeah well.

Frankly Todd, I'm
surprised by your behavior.

You're willfully barking
up the wrong tree,

but I'm unclear as to
what you're even chasing.

Is it sex?

Is it love?

What do you want?

I don't know what I want.

I know what I don't want.

I don't wanna be alone
for the rest of my life.

Excuse me
do you work here?

Tell me
you don't love me.

Tell me you don't love me
and I'll let you get on

that Korean Air flight
and never look back.

My whole life
I've been waiting

for you to appear in my
life and make me whole.

That was good Rory.

I think she should be crying
the this scene though,

so take a minute and
then we'll try again.

- Okay.
- And I see on your

special skills you can do a
Zooey Deschanel impression.

I'd love to hear it.

It's so soft, I can't
believe it's not cotton.

I'm probably gonna
take that off.

Do you have any
other questions

before we give
this another whirl?

No, no I mean yes,

are you really asking or is
that just an obligatory gesture?

I'm really asking.

This isn't a comedy right?

- No.
- So Jenna has a genius IQ,

it say she's runway gorgeous
and she studies Jujutsu.

I am having some
trouble understanding

why she'd be attracted to Jonah

who doesn't work
out, he's unemployed

and they have absolutely
nothing in common.

Remember Jenna
has a troubled past.

Right yes, dead dad.

Which I get 'cause
I have that, so

I can understand if it
was like a whole solace,

I just wanna fuck the
pain away kind of thing,

although you'd think
with all her CIA training

she'd develop some equanimity.

But she chooses to stay
with him in Wisconsin

over potentially
thwarting a North Korean

nuclear missile
crisis I mean that's,

that's a lot.

People do crazy things
when they're in love.

Okay now you're just
quoting "Hercules".

Right,
you done cleaning up?

Hi yes yeah I am.

Again I'm so sorry I was late,

my audition went really long
and the 405 was backed up.

- Just...
- No don't even

worry about it yeah
I'm firing you.

- What?
- I would have fired you

when you got in but
Jamie called in sick,

- and we were short-handed.
- Why didn't you fire Jamie?

I like Jamie,

and you clearly don't
want to be a waitress so.

Who the fuck wants
to be a waitress?

The food here sucks!

Oh put that back!

Put I back!

Is this seat taken?

Does it look like it's taken?

Don't deflect move

- the story forward.
- Okay.

No would you like to
join me for a cup of joe?

Have I seen you
somewhere before?

Maybe, are you familiar
with the filmography

of Lars Von Trier?

So you're an actress?

Do you want my autograph?

Have you ever
done a sex scene?

Hmm. Does rape count?

No.

Okay Rory, um.

We're not gonna tell you
what you can and can't say.

We're not the PC police

but rape is never funny.

I thought it was funny.

I didn't laugh.

It's not like I was
mocking rape victims,

I was mocking actors.

Uh-huh, not everybody
can make that distinction.

Well it's not my fault if
people are fucking stupid.

My best friend was
date raped in college.

That made me feel
really uncomfortable.

See Rory. It's
different for people

who've actually been
affected by sexual abuse.

Yes I would know, thank you.

If you need to
talk to someone,

my best friend really
loves her therapist.

Your date rape friend?

No, Colleen moved to Boston.

We don't really talk any more.

Hey Karen it's your daughter.

Just calling to chat.

How's Sri Lanka?

I hear they have great...

What do they have in Sri Lanka?

Anyway I'm trying
to be less negative

so I'm gonna sandwich
technique this for you.

It didn't rain. So
that's positive.

I got fired and everybody
in my improv class

thinks I'm a huge bitch
and I got a parking ticket

and I think there's a dead
mouse in my garbage disposal.

So that's my negative thing.

That's all 24 hours so
it counts as one thing.

And positive, positive,
what's positive?

Oh I thought I saw Amy
Adams at Trader Joes.

But it was just
Isla Fischer. So.

I'm out here living the dream.

Hey, you know that saying
shoot for the moon,

even if you miss you'll
land among the stars?

I did some research
and apparently

the closest star
excluding our sun,

is still four light
years away from Earth.

So if you miss the moon,

you don't land on anything ever.

You just float
aimlessly in space

until you die.

Okay so call me back
sometime or whatever. Bye.

Excuse me do you work here?

No but I get that a
lot, I don't know why.

You're restocking the shelves.

Oh some of the books
are out of order.

Yeah but it's not your job.

Valid. Counterpoint, I
was at Staples the other day

and somebody asked me
if we sold paperweights

and I wasn't doing anything,
I was just standing there.

Were you wearing a red shirt?

No.

I know what your problem is,

you have a very
friendly demeanor,

like you look super helpful.

Can I fix that?

Yeah sure, don't make
eye contact, don't smile.

The more you can project
an air of antipathy,

the less you'll be approached.

It's not a hobby,
it's a way of life.

I'm ignoring you.

- It's convincing.
- I can practice later.

Sorry am I in your way?

Everything's sort of in
disarray at the moment.

I'm in the it gets worse
before it gets better phase.

No, no you're fine,

I just, the library is hiring,

I wanted to drop
off my resume to

a corporeal entity if possible.

- Good word. Corporeal.
- Thank you.

And antipathy, you
said that earlier.

Yeah that's one of my
go-to smart people words.

It's your smart people what?

You know that handful
of words that you overuse

in conversations to
impress strangers

even if they don't
really fit like,

my worst offenders are
emblematic and perspicacity.

You don't do that do you?

I'm sorry, ignore me,

I am pretentious apparently.

My middle name is pretentious.

- What?
- So we're even Steven.

Is that a joke?

Like danger is my middle name.

No my middle name is Preston.

It's a pretentious name,
I'm trying to relate to you.

Right. Preston is pretentious.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Some would say that
it is Prestontious.

Would they?

If it's a joke yeah.

Copy.

My first name is Todd.

Hi Todd, I'm Rory.

- I like that name.
- Thank you.

It reminds me of Rory Gilmore.

You watch "Gilmore Girls"?

I watch "Gilmore Girls",

I own all the seven
seasons on DVD.

I own all seven
seasons on DVD.

I almost went to Yale
because of that show.

I almost went to Yale
because of the show.

- I didn't get in obviously.
- I did.

That sucks I'm sorry.

Oh, favorite Rory boyfriend
on one, two, three

- Jesse.
- Jesse obviously.

Do you think I'm gay?

- Pardon?
- One can like "Gilmore Girls"

- and be not gay.
- I wasn't assuming anything.

Okay because both my
friends think I'm gay,

so I didn't want you to, last
week I had sex with a girl.

Well woman, well girl.

Good for you.

Sorry I don't know
why I said that.

I'm not bragging I
only got my hand in.

Not because she
was gay or I'm gay

because she was a virgin

- and then I just...
- No it's fine,

- really I believe you.
- Oh. I just didn't want you

to label me so.

I don't, labels are for vegans

as I sometimes say.

I eat meat.

I, you know, feel
bad for the animals.

I prefer to eat smaller
animals like chickens,

because the smaller
you are the less likely

you are to feel pain.

I didn't know that.

Might not be true I haven't
looked into it thoroughly.

I already have a lot of
guilt on my plate so.

- Hm?
- What?

Oh nothing I just,

I thought maybe you wanted
to ask me something.

So you said you're an actress,

have I seen you in anything?

Maybe have you
seen "2 Girls 1 Cup"?

No when did it come out?

Oh I'm just kidding sorry,

I hate that question.

When did it come out?

No have I seen
you in anything?

Because like you haven't,

but anyway it's a porn video.

You were in a porn video?

No, no, no, "2 Girls
1 Cup' is a porn,

you've never really?

Oh well it's two girls,

and then they shit into a cup,

- it's really gross.
- Oh no,

- yeah if you could, no, just
- I'm sorry,

- change, I'm a visual person.
- Oh, oh let me...

Change the topic

- please yeah.
- Okay sure great,

what do you do?

Well I get intrusive thoughts,

so I keep replaying that imagery

- over and over in my head.
- No, no, no, for work,

for work, for work, for
work, what do you do?

Software coding and I
house sit as a side hobby

but mostly just to meet people.

Who do you meet house sitting?

The owners before they leave.

Oh. Whose house is this?

My first cousin once removed
chiropractor's ex-wife.

And what does she do?

I didn't ask, you have
a very symmetrical face.

- Thank you.
- I'm developing an app

called Face Value that
leverages machine learning

to measure facial
bilateral symmetry

on a scale of one to 10.

You can tell a lot about
a person by their face.

Yeah what does my face say?

Oh I'm glad you asked.

Facial symmetry indicates

- extraversion,
- Sometimes.

- Lower levels of neuroticism,
- Nope.

- And developmental stability.
- Definitely not.

It's true, they've
done studies.

Ah yeah well to
invalidate that research,

I don't have a dad,

my mom was, she still is,

a surgeon for doctor's
without boarders

so she was always gone

and my brother
basically raised me.

Except he got
addicted to heroin,

he stole a bunch of
money from my nana,

we kinda don't talk anymore,
it's a bit fucked up.

Why am I telling you this?

I don't know.

I do. I have a theory

that millennials over share

because we're the most
godless generation.

So that's why we confess
everything on social media,

it's sort of our way to cling
to some kind of permanence.

Are you on social media?

- No are you?
- No.

Well it's just a theory.

- Oh I see it now.
- What?

Your drug addict
brother, he's right...

So what's your face value?

Six point two.

- That doesn't sound good.
- It's not.

I have a deviated septum,

a triangle of
moles on this side,

and then only one dimple.

That's ironic you know?

Guy obsessed with
symmetry has crooked face.

You must hate yourself.

Yeah most of the time.

Oh no I didn't mean, no.

Don't, I'm just
fucking with you,

don't hate yourself, that's sad.

Okay.

So you're legit OCD right?

You're not just like,

"Oh I'm so OCD I save the
red skittles for last."?

Oh I do save the
red skittles for last.

- Oh.
- But I'm also a checker

and a washer and I don't fly.

You don't fly, how
do you get anywhere?

I don't need to go anywhere.

- Paris?
- Small fridges.

- New York?
- I can drive to New York.

- Have you?
- No but I've seen

"Taxi Driver" and "Cloverfield"
so I get the idea.

You know driving is way more
dangerous than flying right?

Not the way I drive.

Do you see a psychiatrist?

Yes but mostly I
see a psychoanalyst

because I like to talk a lot,

and I used to do cognitive
behavioral therapy

to help with my phobias.

What are you afraid of?

Everything under the sun.

- The sun.
- You're afraid of the sun?

Yeah I try to avoid it.

Especially during the hours
of 10 a.m. and four p.m.

when the UV rays
are the most potent

because I'm afraid it's
going to expedite my cancer.

Oh wait, you have cancer?

Oh not yet. But I will.

- You will?
- Uh-huh.

There's a 44% chance
that I'll develop

some form of cancer
throughout my lifetime

and I've never been
exceptionally lucky.

But you need serotonin.

Sunlight's good for your soul.

I know, I don't get enough

and it stresses me
out and the worst part

is that stress causes cancer.

It's a vicious cycle.

It really is.

So are you afraid
of dying too soon

or just dying in general?

The latter, I
don't wanna die ever.

Oh see I'm the opposite,

I already know how I wanna die.

I am 90 and I just
won my second Oscar,

I used to say third but I
don't wanna be unrealistic,

and I fall asleep
hugging a panda

and then she falls asleep

and then she rolls over and
accidentally smothers me.

- Well that sounds nice.
- But I can understand,

I can understand not
wanting to die prematurely,

'cause like if I died now
before I've done anything

you know like, significant,
I would be livid.

Well I doubt many people would

be jumping in
their boots to die.

Like happy people.

Except for suicidal people.

I don't hang out
with those people.

But they're probably
not the jumping type.

I know some.

Unless it's off of
a bridge or something.

But seriously if I died now

I would literally kill somebody.

- Literally?
- Well no, oh no!

Oh God, that's one of
my biggest pet peeves.

I can't believe I just fucking
did that.

Well they say that
things you don't like

about other people
are usually problems

that you have with yourself.

Okay first of
all, who says that?

Nobody says that, that is rude.

Second of all I
did mean literally.

What you'd literally
kill somebody?

To be not dead? Yeah.

Like I'm not saying I'd go out

and sign up to be a terrorist,

but if somebody put a gun
to my head and they said,

"Hey kill that guy or
I'm gonna kill you."

I'd be like, "Hey sorry man,

"I gotta lookout
for number one."

No matter who it was?

Well maybe if it was like,

no, I'd let Obama die.

- Your parents?
- They've had their time.

- A baby?
- I would definitely

- kill a baby.
- What?

Oh come on,

think about how much time
and investment goes into

raising a well adjusted adult.

I am college educated,

I have a great sense of humor,

I'm going to be
a famous actress,

I am way more beneficial
to society than a

useless,
resource-consuming baby.

- Wow.
- It would be like

painting the Mona Lisa
white to start fresh.

What if that baby
was the next Picasso?

Or a more likely scenario,

what if he was a gangbanger?

Or a heroin addict or just had
a real crooked face like you?

I'm joking, Todd I'm joking.

I'm sorry you're really easy.

No I just, it's the same
reason I don't wanna have kids.

I figure Murphy's
law if I had kids

I'd probably end up
like the mother in

"We Need to Talk About Kevin".

Oh I though that was
gonna be one of those movies

where they say the title
somewhere in the dialogue,

and I kept waiting
for it to happen

and it never did and
it really bothered me.

Not the massacre itself,

just the fact that
nobody ever said,

we need to talk about Kevin?

Yeah, it just wasn't right.

My mom wants me to have kids.

She wants me to have
kids and she wants me

to save the planet and I'm like,

"Fuck can I just do
what makes me happy?"

You know like isn't
that why our forefathers

bombed and pillaged
other countries

so that I could be happy?

And as much as I
pretend to give no fucks

what my mother
things invariably,

the only way that I can
justify being an actor,

which is like the
epitome of vanity,

is to be a disgustingly
rich philanthropist

like Paul Newman and trying
to be Paul Newman all the time

is way too much pressure.

Tell me about it.

What would you do,
would you shoot the baby?

- I'd shoot the baby.
- Thank you.

But if it was you or me,

I'd shoot me.

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah sorry,

it's just the wine and the cake

and we've been talking
for eight hours.

Why are you so nice?

- Oh I'm not that nice.
- Yes you are.

No I'm not.

You're the nicest
person in L.A.

Really I'm not.

I lie to homeless people,
I always have change

I just don't give it to them.

I think I'm depressed.

Well that's okay.
I'm depressed too.

I should lie down.

Well if you feel like
you're gonna throw up,

- don't.
- Okay.

I don't know why I'm here.

I don't mean existentially,
specifically L.A.

I hate meeting people.

"So what do you do?"

"I'm an actress." "Oh have
I seen you in anything?"

"Oohh"

Go fuck yourself, no offense.

I usually lie and say I'm a
geospatial analyst or something

because the truth is, and I know

I know that all
yuppies are miserable

because we have these
chimerical expectations

that that will inevitably
falter to reality

because we can't
accept that we are not

as special as we think we are.

But I don't care about
them. I care about me

and I was valedictorian
in high school.

Which shouldn't mean
anything except that it does,

it means I was better
than 87 other people,

small private school.

You know I honestly thought
that I would be an outlier,

like that Malcolm
Gladwell book "Outliers"

that I read at the
Starbucks across from CAA,

but nothing ever fucking
manifests and I'm already old!

When did that happen?

And I know that they say

it's who you know or
rather who knows you,

but nobody knows me,
nobody really knows me

and I keep going
out for these stupid

fucking student films where
everything is a dream,

and I don't even get a callback

and I didn't even want it anyway

and I must be dreaming,

I must be dreaming!

I must be out of my fucking mind

and I am so poor!

But you're a great actress.

You've never even see me act.

Oh yeah that's true.

But I can just tell I mean,

you're smart and you're funny

and you're clean and
that's all you need.

- Oh stop it.
- No really,

you've a start personality.

You're like Katherine Hepburn.

"The stage is really life
buster ha, ha, ha, ha."

That was really good.

Thanks.

Can I hold your hand?

Hi
you've reached Todd.

I'm sorry I missed you but
please leave your name,

number, time and date
you called in that order,

followed by any other
pertinent information

and I will get to you as
soon as reasonably possible.

Hi it's Rory, my
number is 206-377-2616,

it's like two thirtyish
on a Wednesday,

and I, sorry I have
another call hold on.

Oh it's you okay,

I'll talk to you in a second.

- Hello?
- Hi you called?

You called first.

Oh right, you're
still unemployed?

There must have been a gentler
way to phrase that but yes.

Good, so a friend of
one of my clients asked me

to house-sit for her while
she's vacationing in Europe

but it's a bit of a
drive so I wanted to see

if you were available.

- She's driving to Europe?
- No what?

- You lost me.
- I'm house sitting

- in Monterey.
- Oh.

But I can't drive
for that long by myself

or I'll asleep and
die so I wanted to see

if you'd be interested
in joining me?

I'll pay you.

- Okay.
- Yeah?

I didn't know if you could get
away with auditions and all.

Wait why wouldn't she just
hire someone more local?

I organize closets, I
have great references.

Of course you do.

The only thing is,

how do you feel about dogs?

- Dogs?
- Yes dogs,

I normally adhere to a
strict no pets policy,

but if you're with me
I could be persuaded.

The deal-breaker is
that you have to be

the poop picker-upper.

Stop.

You had me at 'I'll pay you.'

Okay are you ready?

- I think so.
- Okay and you have to look

right at me and keep
a straight face.

- Okay.
- And no frowning

- 'cause that's cheating okay?
- Okay.

Okay

Baby!

Oh come on man!

You didn't even let me finish.

You suck. Okay your turn.

What's the line again?

Baby if you love me,

won't you please
just give me a smile?

Baby if you love me,

won't you please
just give me a smile?

Baby I love you but
I just can't smile.

Weak, weak choice.

Okay, okay.

Baby if you love me, won't you
please just give me a smile?

Baby I love you but
I just can't smile,

what the fuck was that?

- Are you trying?
- I am trying,

I'm just not good at this game.

It's because
you're self-conscious.

Look if you wanna make me smile,

you have to humiliate
yourself in a way

that isn't like
cute or endearing.

Have ugly, will travel.

Okay.

Baby if you love me, won't you
please just give me a smile?

Yes? Huh, yeah, yeah?

Ah that was a smile.

Ah I win!

You didn't smile on
purpose, did you?

I don't know, I
don't know maybe.

Okay.

Baby if you love
me, won't you please

just give me a smile?

Baby I love you

but I just can't smile.

Do you wanna be my girlfriend?

Hi.

Rory I'm so glad to
finally meet you,

Todd has been MIA forever.

- Three months.
- Yeah that's like

24 months in bitch years,

and you didn't tell me
that Rory's so pretty.

Oh thank you. I mean
you look like a model.

I am a model.

You clearly haven't
heard anything about me.

And this is my boo Zane.

He's also a model
but mostly underwear.

- Hi Zane.
- So updates, give, give.

Well we just got
back from San Diego.

- Professional house sitters.
- Ah. Bangin'.

Zane's from London.
Note the vernacular.

We also sit dogs, no cats.

I'm allergic, she
just hates them.

- I do.
- We should tell Danny

for the holidays.

- He's got that tiny wiener.
- Okay enough business.

Rory how did you two meet?

Well it's kind of funny,

actually Todd do
you wanna tell it?

Well you tell it better.

Stop I love already.

We met in the self-help
section at the library.

He was stocking shelves, so
I thought he worked there

and I was looking for a job.

Aww but you found him instead.

So cute. All of it.

How did you and Zane meet?

- Mutual friends.
- Group sex party.

Rory what do you do?

I'm a geospatial analyst.

She's an actress.

Well I totally believed you.

Do you have an agent?

Should I get one,
are they helpful?

- Oh my God yes.
- You can't book anything

- without one.
- I know sorry I'm looking.

Is anyone getting food?

Oh we're on a cleanse
but you should try

their artisan flatbread.

My treat. I just wanna smell it.

Oh we shouldn't we're
having a pizza tomorrow night.

- Can we do that Thursday?
- Well we're making

- Mongolian Thursday.
- Right, right.

You plan out all your
suppers in advance.

Well it's our Doc night.

Doc night, is that
some role play thing?

I enjoy spanking.

Every Thursday we
watch a documentary

to keep our relationship
cognitively stimulating.

This Thursday we're watching

"The Story of the Weeping Camel"

because it's set in Mongolia
so we thought it'd be ironic

if we were eating Mongolian.

Well it
wouldn't be ironic.

It would be ironic if
we were eating camel.

I don't think that
Whole Foods sells camel.

- Was that a joke?
- Was it not funny?

- It was okay.
- Scale of one to six?

Who scales one to six?

Oh my God, who are
you dressing up as

for Ryder's birthday party?

Ryder's having
a birthday party?

Yeah the theme is
iconic movie couples.

I thought you'd be on the
at like Asian on rice.

Didn't you get the Evite?

White on rice.

Yeah but don't
Asians eat more rice?

I didn't get the Evite.

Oh well you know
Ryder, he's fag-get-ful.

Are you making
fun of my accent?

Oh no I'm saying
he's fag-get-ful,

because he's a fag
who's forgetful.

You can't say fag in America.

Well Todd made it up.

- Is that right Todd?
- No I...

Anyway you have to come.

Plus Marcus Stafford
will be there,

and he would be a perect
talent manager for Rory.

- Really?
- Yeah!

I mean he's always saying
that his clients are shit

but I'm sure he would love you.

Fucking A, I feel like

Sandra Bullock in
"The Blind Side".

Making dreams come true.

We need to go home, I
think I left the toaster on.

You didn't leave
the toaster on.

We could go home and play

The Game of Life and
turn off the toaster.

We're never playing
that game again,

you get too emotional also
the toasters always off

unless you put toast in it.

You don't put
toast in a toaster.

- I meant bread.
- Well you said toast.

You know what I meant Todd.

The toaster is always
on unless you unplug it,

and I forgot to
unplug it so it's on.

You do not forget
to unplug things,

so either you're being paranoid

or you're making up excuses
to avoid going inside.

Both are scenarios I
refuse to accommodate.

Okay fine but if you get
bored and you wanna leave,

just use the safe word.

- What's the safe word?
- I don't know,

we haven't picked one yet.

How about snollygoster?

It's not very discreet,

how would I slip
it into a sentence?

Honey have you
seen my snollygoster?

What's a snollygoster?

You're right, people
will ask questions.

I'm just saying
how funny would it have been

if "The Fifth Element"
had been dick?

Oh my God. Todd.

Ryder. Happy birthday.

It has been so long,

I think I thought you were dead.

And you must be Rory.

Hi nice to meet you.

- You're Todd's girlfriend.
- Yes.

How is that going?

It's a ball.

Super. Is that for me?

It is yeah, Todd
picked it out.

It's from Crate and Barrel.

Don't tell him that.

It's not from
Crate and Barrel.

If you don't like it,
there's a gift receipt.

You know what?

I bet I'm gonna love it,

because our Todd here
has the aesthetic taste

of a well-oiled woman.

- Where should I put it?
- That's what Todd said.

The guest bedroom
is down the hall,

it's the second
door on your right.

Okay.

You're fine.

Oh okay, yeah I'm fine.

Okay so like
she's in on it then?

In on what?

You're Paul Newman in
"Cat on a Hot Tin Roof".

Oh you got it, we were worried

nobody would recognize us.

Oh God Todd, you must
know that he was gay right?

Paul Newman? No he's not.

His character, his
character was gay.

That's why they
never had any sex.

I didn't pick
up on that at all.

I think you just see
subliminal homosexuality

- even when...
- Todd no.

He was gay okay?

The film was make in the '50s,

so Hollywood censored the
gayness and you would know that

if you had ever read
the fucking play.

I just like the movie.

- Babe!
- Hi!

Oh right
Todd this is Trent.

Trent this is Todd.

Guess which movie
couple we are.

"Brokeback Mountain"?

No.

He's Butch Cassidy and
I'm the Sundance Kid,

because I'm a total
bottom.

Stop making Paul Newman gay.

Okay? There is no evidence.

Oh I heard he slept
with James Dean.

- He did.
- No he was married

to Joanne for 50 years
and they were very happy.

Baby is this your gay
friend that's dating a girl?

That's the one.

Do you guys have sex or?

I don't have to answer that.

- That's a no.
- We're just taking it slow.

And that's denial.

Pussies are gross.

Semen for the win.

Todd doesn't
like bodily fluids.

You know pussies
have juices right?

They spray at you
like Spider-man.

You're making
me uncomfortable.

Oh I'm sorry, I
have a big mouth.

He's not exaggerating.

I just
think it's kind of sad

that you haven't found yourself.

It's a waste.

He's cute though right?

Yeah he's okay.

- I'm gonna go find Rory.
- Okay.

- Baby did you and Todd ever?
- No.

That's what I thought.

Wow.

- Rory?
- Meg.

Come sit with us.

You look so pretty, who are you?

Oh thank you. I'm
Elizabeth Taylor

- from "Cat on...
- "on a Hot Tin Roof".

Oh my God, whoa you and Todd
have a bitchin' sense of humor.

I don't get it.

Okay so Liz is
married to Paul Newman,

and shit hits the fan
because he's secretly gay.

I don't think
that's what happens.

Didn't you read the play?

In the play it's obvi that
he has the hots for Skipper.

Oh I just like the movie.

Oh because you
said Todd is gay.

Oh no it's okay, it's okay.

Todd told me everybody
used to think he was gay.

We didn't just think
he was gay. He was gay.

Like he went to gay bars,

he had a gay eHarmony account,

he sucked Jerry's
gay willy willingly.

- What?
- Oh just the tip,

but that was before you.

Don't worry. He's
totally crazy about you.

Right, right yeah I know.

Can I ask you a
personal question?

How's Todd in bed?

Well you know he,

he is great.

I knew it.

He's just so attentive right?

I bet he's one of those guys

who makes it all
about pleasing you.

Like I literally have to drag
Zane's tongue to my clit.

Well maybe if you shaved.

Shut the fuck up!

I had a skin infection
so I stopped.

You're one to talk,
Bushy McPhearson.

- I love your sass.
- I love your ass.

God I'm so funny!

Todd?

We're doing cake bitches.

Let's go.

Rory meet Marcus.
He's a talent manager.

Rory is a phenomenal actress.

Oh she's never seen me act.

Yeah you got a good look.

You're attractive in an
ordinary sort of way.

The kind of thing you'd find
at a Supercuts in Puerto Rico.

- Thanks.
- You know one of my clients,

she keeps nagging
me and she's like,

"Marcus you never
send me out anymore."

And it's like, "baby I try,

"but there's just
only so many roles

"every year for a female troll."

I'd drop her if she
wasn't my niece.

It is ironic because
rain on your wedding day

is considered good
luck even though

it's a logistical nightmare.

Rain is not good luck.

It's a cultural belief that
a wet knot is harder to untie.

Fine whatever it doesn't
matter, it's not ironic,

it's a logical paradox.

It would be ironic if you
were marrying a meteorologist

named Sonny Weathers
and you planned

an outdoor summer
wedding in Arizona

and then it rained but
only if he set the date.

What if Sonny weathers
wanted it to rain

because it's
considered good luck

and so his forecast was right,

- is it ironic then?
- What?

Yes, no, no Todd it's still not.

Okay fine 10,000 spoons
when all you need is a knife.

- It's not ironic!
- How can you say that?

Like if I work at
a spoon factory

and it's somebody's birthday
and I made them a cake

but I forgot the
knife and I'm like,

"Hey does anybody have a knife?"

Nope but ironically
we have 10,000 spoons!

No because you should
have remembered the knife.

You wouldn't expect
there to be a knife

at a spoon factory.

It's not ironic, it's
just unfortunate.

It would be ironic if
it was a knife factory

but they have a policy
against using company knives

for personal use and then
you had nothing to cut

the fucking cake with
Todd that would be ironic.

Well I think you have
a very narrow definition

of the word ironic.

No you're missing the point.

She's transpired an entire
generation of adolescents

who just causally
toss the word around

to the point where
irony has lost

its whole fucking meaning.

It hasn't lost its
meaning, it's just evolved,

language is fluid.

Yeah well you'd be one
to talk about fluidity.

And how would you like me
to extrapolate that statement?

You know what's really ironic?

Arguing about an
Alanis Morissette song

with your gay boyfriend.

I don't see the irony in that,

and if that's an accusation
then I will have you know

that Ryder is an
unreliable source.

Did you know he cheated
on his eye exam?

You can't cheat
on an eye exam Todd!

He did, he just
memorized the letters.

Okay Meg said and I quote,

you sucked Jerry's
gay willy willingly.

Well that is hearsay, and
as such it's inadmissible.

You're really not
going to admit it?

No I won't admit it
because it was just

a couple of licks and
it didn't mean anything.

Oh my God it means you're gay.

It means that I'm
possibly bisexual

if you feel obliged
to pigeonhole me

into a category
of sexual identity

that you can easily apprehend.

Okay fine I admit
that I've dabbled

in male-on-male
courting in the past,

but I found it repulsive
and I'm with you now,

and I chose and you're a woman,

what else do you need to know?

Why haven't you ever
tried to have sex with me?

I don't like bodily fluids.

You can't use your OCD as
an excuse for everything.

Just because you can
control your brain,

doesn't mean it's a
universal skill-set.

And I don't recall you
attempting to sex me either

and have I accused you
of being a lesbian?

Yeah well it's
different for me.

Why is it
different for you?

- Because
- Because why?

Because you are
supposed to be the man.

Well that's really sexist,

and frankly you
should feel offended.

Todd, we have been
dating for six months

and you haven't even
tried to fondle my boobs.

This is not normal.

Well being normal
is vastly overrated.

Oh my God, you're quoting
"Sabrina the Teenage Witch"!

- You are so gay.
- It's "Halloweentown".

Whatever still gay!

Fine there does
that make you happy?

No, God stop it.

Well what do you want?

I want a real relationship.

This is a real relationship.

No, no this is playing house.

Our names are not on the lease,

and even if we were married
it would be annulled

because there's been no
fucking consummation.

- Well that's redundant.
- What?

Fucking consummation,
it's redundant.

- Focus Todd.
- Sorry fine let's do it.

- What?
- Sex let's do the sex.

- Right now?
- No not now,

I'm hardly in the right
frame of mind right now.

Tonight then I guess?

Yeah okay tonight.

It's tonight.

It came so fast.

It does that.

I'm just gonna
take a shower first.

- There you go.
- Aww.

Okay I think we
need to talk about

the elephant in the room.

The white elephant.

Sure yeah the color
doesn't really matter.

Well the phrase is the
white elephant in the room.

No it's not.

Yes it is, it's derived
from the short story,

"Hills Like White Elephants."

- Wait what?
- By Ernest Hemingway.

Yeah no I know I've read it.

Do you know what
that story's about?

- Abortion.
- Okay yes.

But they never explicitly
say the word abortion,

it's the white
elephant in the room,

the thing nobody
wants to talk about.

No you're mixed up, the white
elephant is the unborn baby.

Well unborn baby, abortion,

I think you're
arguing semantics.

No it's not semantics,
the elephant in the room

is the thing nobody
wants to talk about,

the white elephant is
an unwanted possession

that's a bitch to get rid of,

you're like mixing
two separate idioms.

What? Are you sure?

Yes.

- So then what's the origin...
- Todd forget the

fucking elephants. We
need to talk about sex.

So sex is the white elephant?

No it's the
elephant in the room!

Okay I'm sorry, why
are you getting so angry?

Because you're
not listening to me.

I am listening,
I'm just confused.

You're confused?

I'm confused. Do you want sex?

Only if you do.

Okay well I don't.

Okay good.

Great.

Wonderful.

I realize that I may
have undermined your OCD.

I just have to accept that
you don't like bodily fluids,

so maybe sex isn't
on your agenda.

And for me I mean,

we know that I think intercourse

is a primitive national pastime

that's been overblown by the
media and popular culture.

And copulation is only
intended for reproduction,

and we both hate babies.

So really the
question is why do we

wanna ruin our
relationship with sex?

- We don't.
- I concur.

Also objectively to a random
bystander who didn't know

we were having
intimacy problems,

we look just like
Paul and Joanne.

And who cares what
society thinks anyway?

- Right?
- And it would be ridiculous

to say that we're
just best friends.

I mean we live together,
we sleep together,

we kiss sometimes with tongue,

- your crumbs are falling.
- Sorry.

It's okay I'll vacuum later,

and you give great back
massages which let's be honest,

is basically comparable
to an orgasm anyway.

And you know
maintaining routine,

passionate sex is a
hurdle for any couple.

When you think about it,

we're just throwing
the towel early.

Exactly I mean 65%
of married couples

stop having sex after 10 years.

- Really?
- I don't know,

I just made that number up.

Well it sounds like
a real statistic.

It does doesn't it?

I'm so glad we had this talk.

Me too.

Oh so sex is the white elephant

- because its the thing
- It's the thing

- we wanna get rid of.
- we wanna get rid of okay,

okay that's true you're right.

Are you happy?

Yes.

And why do you think that is?

Because if you
love someone enough,

you can change.

The other day I was re-reading
"The Life-Changing Magic

"of Tidying Up" and
I accidentally ripped

page 138 and it didn't
ever bother me. That much.

Good for you.

I did get rid of the book,

but only because it was
no longer bringing me joy.

Anyway Rory makes
me a better person,

I'm not crying, my
hand eczema is gone,

I'm watching more documentaries.

It's so funny to think I was
in here just six months ago

complaining about how I
was gonna be alone forever.

What a hoot.

You know Todd,

I have to admit when I
told you to experiment

with your heterosexual inklings,

I wasn't sure it
was the best idea,

but you actually may
be somewhat straight.

Like a Kinsey 3.

Thank you, that means
so much coming from you.

You're welcome.
Will you be spending

Thanksgiving with your parents?

I will yes and
I'm bringing Rory.

How exciting.
Please remind them

that they still owe
me for September.

I sent them an invoice.

Pleased to meet
you, I'm Topanga.

- Nice to meet you.
- We're so happy to have you.

- This is my husband.
- Come on in, come on.

Oh take off your shoes.

- Oh yeah okay.
- She doesn't have to

do that right away.

Okay so when can
we expect grandkids?

- Mother.
- What?

Rory is the first girl
that you've brought home.

It's my cultural duty to
torment you in front of her.

Oh but we don't want children.

They bring you unhappiness.

Oh don't be so
self-deprecating Todd,

we forgive you.

It's true, they've
done studies.

Parents report
statistically lower levels

of happiness and
marital satisfaction

compared to non-parents.

That's funny I don't
recall filing out a survey.

Oh not all parent I'm sure.

I'm sure you guys are outliers.

But I can't handle
irrational behavior,

or crying or poop.

Well having kids fills
your life with purpose.

But does that intangible
sense of purpose

outweigh the burden of lost
sleep, time and income?

Or are you justifying
your actions?

I have no buyers remorse.

You were the second best
decision I ever made.

What was the first?

Investing in Google.

What am I?

You're the fourth.

Well we have
everything we need.

Why would we purposefully
follow a path

that could obstruct
our personal happiness?

Because there are
some things in life

that are more important
than personal happiness.

Like what?

I don't know honey,
why don't we just ask

our friend Socrates?

- Or Gandhi.
- Maybe Harriet Tubman

- would know.
- That little blond kind

- in "Pay it Forward".
- Oh I love him,

what ever happened to that kid?

Okay point made.

All right
here's why you have kids.

Now you're both
healthy, intelligent,

valuable contributors
to society.

So you have a
biological imperative

to pass on those genes

because you know who's
ruining this country?

The Mexicans.

- Wally.
- Okay dad can we save

the racism until after dessert?

What I'm not saying that
all Mexicans are stupid,

I'm just saying and there's
plenty of literature

to back me up on this.

There's an inverse
correlation between

intelligence and fertility

and guess who's popping
out the most babies?

- Mexicans.
- Bingo, and you all know

- who's the smartest race.
- Asians.

God damn right.

What he means is you would
both make excellent parents.

- No.
- No, no what I mean is

everything that is ultimately
wrong with the world

is caused by stupidity
so smart people

have an obligation to
combat reverse Darwinism.

Then why am I an only child?

- You were enough.
- Rory name a social issue.

- Don't encourage him.
- AIDS.

AIDS wouldn't even exist
if some fucking idiot

didn't have sex with a monkey.

That is, what?

You know how I would
eradicate stupid people?

- Sarin gas.
- No how?

Here's what I would do.

Every male should have
a vasectomy at birth,

just a little snip, snip.

In order to qualify for
a reverse vasectomy,

the couple in
question has to pass

a series of aptitude tests.

Okay now that's
actually genius.

No that is
completely unethical.

You cannot advance society by
debasing natural human rights.

And what I'm saying
is that having children

shouldn't be a right, it
should be a privilege.

Amen.

Okay ethics aside,

implementation
would be impossible.

- No government could ever...
- Oh God Todd, stop being so

pragmatic he's obviously
being hypothetical.

Listen to your girlfriend son.

Okay hypothetically
this would be

a repressive caste system.

There would be a
proletarian revolution.

You're right, instead
of abortion clinics,

we would have pregnancy clinics.

Would that change the
meaning of pro-choice?

Oh and you just know that
there'd be some sleezeball

on Skid Row with a
trench coat who is like,

"Hey you wanna buy some sperm?"

and it's probably
not even human sperm.

That's disgusting.

Okay I have a hypothetical.

What if a very smart, beautiful
woman married a stupid man?

Are you trying
to say something?

No it is true, she's
just with me for the sex.

Oh honey come on. Not
in front of the kids.

Oh come on, Todd
is a big boy now.

He should know that his old man

still pitches like
Roger Clemens.

Yes he does.

Is that a basketball person?

Oh God look at that.

Oh tiny boy. Todd
you used to be so cheerful.

What happened?

The sweetest little baby.
Oh my God this reminds me,

I think it's in
the garage honey,

we have a video of
Todd doing the Macarena

to "Building a Mystery"
and he called it,

no, this is the best,

he called it the
Sarah MacLacharena.

Can we find that?

Oh gosh I'm gonna
send Wally out to look for it.

- Okay.
- Oh wait, look at this one,

that's in Venice. Where
are you going sweetie?

I have more.

You seem well, you
taking your meds?

Yes.

That girl is something else,

- you really hit the jackpot.
- Thank you.

Todd I...

Dad?

I'm proud of you, I just
want you to know that.

Are your hands getting tired?

No I can keep going.

Did my dad seem
unusually nice to you?

Yeah he's awesome.

Your mom is doubly awesome
because she's 50% less racist.

Yeah.

I know this is my
anxiety talking. I just,

I always thought my parents
loved me unconditionally,

and tonight it felt
like they loved me more.

Like they were relieved
that you were a girl

and I kept thinking that
if I brought a boy home

it wouldn't have been like that.

They wouldn't have
used the good chard,

the turkey would have been dry,

my dad wouldn't hug me,
he'd just shake my hand.

I know. Why am I
thinking that right?

Stupid brain.

Okay my turn.

I think they're just
happy that you're happy.

Yeah you're probably right.

- Todd.
- Meg.

Rory, merry holidays.

We brought fluffernutters.

Bitchin'. You can put them
next to the jello shots.

Don't spaz but
Ryder brought Jerry.

- Jerry who?
- Blow job Jerry,

but don't spaz I'm sure
he won't say anything

you don't want him to say.

God, this is so awkward right?

- Is it?
- You know Todd

is such a sweet guy,

I'm so happy for you guys.

I guess he didn't like me,

but whatever, what are
you gonna do right?

And you are here with...

Ryder. Yeah, he
invited me last minute.

You know I didn't think
he liked me either.

He usually doesn't even
respond to my texts.

But you know what, I bet
somebody else bailed and

he just invited me because
he knew I'd be available.

Tonight should be fun though.

- Cybill Shepherd.
- Ellen Degeneres.

- Novak Djokovic.
- Ellen Degeneres.

Heath Ledger.

- Judy Garland.
- Ellen Degeneres.

- Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
- Ellen Degeneres.

None of them are
Ellen Degeneres!

Could be.

- Ellen Degeneres.
- Tracy Chapman.

- Yes, yes, yes we win!
- Yes!

28, 62. We beat you so bad.

You didn't do anything.

Yeah I'm sorry, whose
idea was it to have

fucking Will and Grace
on the same team?

You know I've
actually never seen

- I don't watch
- "Will and Grace".

They are so cute.

- I want that.
- Yeah keep dreaming, Jerry.

Well we can play
a different game.

I brought Bananagrams
and Exploding Kittens,

and I tried to bring Scene
It: Turner Classics edition

but this one confiscated it.

It's not fun when you
know all the answers.

It's fun for me.

Okay fuck all those options.

I'm the hostess and I've decided

that we're gonna
play a grown-up game.

Truth or dare.

Oh dare baby, pick me,

pick me, I pick dare.

Zane. I dare you to

strip naked and let me draw
flowers all over your body.

Fine.

Oh wow.

Go on then.

Ryder, truth or dare?

Dare obviously.

I dare you to
spank Jimmy's ass.

It's Jerry.

You heard the man Jimmy,

get your sweet tush over here.

Okay. Like that? Oh!

You've been a
bad, bad boy Jerry.

- I have.
- All those nights alone.

Yeah I live alone.

Yeah this is what
you like, isn't it?

Ow okay, that
one was too hard.

- AHH.
- There we go.

So fun.

- Meg. Truth or dare?
- Please.

I dare you to give everyone
at this party a lap dance.

Oh my God yes.

Alexa, play slut playlist.

Yes. Oh my God.

Okay. Oh. Yeah.

- You like this, baby?
- Yeah.

- Todd, Todd is he gonna?
- Oh God okay.

Yup, yup, yup that's happening.

Oh my God, oh my God!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, sorry I just have,

an eyelash in my eye.

I'm just gonna.

Bye Rory.

Fuck I'm horny.

I think we all are.

You wanna do the thing?

Not that horny, Jerry.

My sweater is green.

My sweater is green.

My skirt is beige.

The walls are gray,
the door is...

Truth.

- Have you and Rory...
- I mean dare.

Afraid of the truth Todd?

Stand up.

Just do it.

I dare you to switch
clothes with me.

You have to play Todd.

Let me.

Todd?

I have a headache, I think it's
all that snollygoster I ate.

I'm in the shower.

- Can I come in?
- What?

In the shower can I come in?

Well I have a bristle
body back brush,

so I can reach everywhere,

It might be counterproductive.

Please?

I won't look I promise.

Okay.

- Good night.
- Good night.

I love you.

I love you too.

What are you doing?

Can't you tell?

Well I think so but.

It should be obvious.

- You shouldn't.
- I know.

Okay stop, stop acting.

Like now or in general?

You tell me.

Are you getting cast?

Is this routine working for you?

I think you have a Trojan.

Impossible I only bareback.

- Trojan horse.
- My nickname in college

was literally Bareback Ryder.

That's really unsafe.

Yeah it's also a joke
Todd, I read the "Iliad".

The Trojan horse
wasn't in the "Iliad".

Okay I skimmed the "Iliad".

It keeps shutting me down.

What do you do on the internet?

Do you really wanna know?

- No.
- Are you sure?

You might like it.

I'm sure we don't
like the same things.

Okay keep telling
yourself that Todd.

Okay you know what,
you can fix this.

I would if I could but.

I don't know what
your problem is.

I thought that you
said it was a Trojan.

No I yes, it's a Trojan.

I don't know what your
problem is with me.

Do you really wanna know?

Yes.

My problem with you Todd,

is that you are trying so hard

to be something that you're
not and it's offensive.

- Oh I offend you?
- Yes you offend me.

You are not bisexual Todd,

and it's gays like
you who can't get over

their internalized
homophobic shame

that reinforces society's idea

that actual
bisexuality is a myth.

Why do you even care?

You're not bisexual.

I've slept with bisexuals.

- So?
- Rory is not

your girlfriend Todd.

She's your fucking Katie Holmes.

- Well I love her.
- No you think you love her,

but you are gonna break
that poor girl's heart.

Yeah you'd like
that wouldn't you?

Right because I'm the
asshole in this situation.

Well you are what you eat.

And when you'd get
to be so cleaver Todd?

I've always been clever.

What are you doing?

Can't you tell?

Well I think so but.

It should be obvious.

- You shouldn't.
- I know.

I mean I really
wish you wouldn't.

You should
have thought of that.

Is it because of what I did?

Partly yes, mostly no.

Stop doing that and
really listen to me.

You don't recognize no do you?

I'm just asking you to listen.

I said no.

Better.

That would never
fucking happen!

I know it's irrational,

but that doesn't mean
it would never happen.

No it's more than irrational
Todd, it's paranoia.

Nobody has ever been murdered

because they registered
as an organ donor!

I didn't say that I think
I'm gonna be murdered,

I said as soon as I
register as an organ donor,

I think I'm going to die.

- Why?
- Because it would be ironic.

- Sure you can appreciate that.
- Oh my God.

Also I don't like
the idea of my organs

in somebody else's body,

it's like when
different foods touch.

I need a kidney,
I need a kidney

and you're a perfect match.

You're type O, I
can't give you a kidney.

You can give me a kidney.

Hypothetically if
you could save my life

with one of your
organs, would you?

Hypothetically yes.

Realistically?

Todd just leave it.

Todd.

Todd.

Todd!

Nothing?

How about now?

No sorry.

We could try an
open relationship,

if you think that would help.

What if I have
homosexual anxiety OCD?

So I have an obsessive
irrational fear of being gay

but I'm actually straight.

Or what if my fear of being gay

has nothing to do with my OCD

but I have an egodystonic
sexual orientation

meaning I just
don't want to be gay

because it conflicts with
my idealized self-image,

perpetuated by popular culture?

Or what if I'm a
heteromantic asexual?

So I'm romantically
attracted to women,

but sexually
attracted to nobody.

And the thing is when
I say them out loud,

they all sound right but

what if I'm none of the above?

Do you remember what happened

when your father took
you to Disneyland

and tried to force you
onto a roller coaster?

- Yes of course I was there.
- What happened?

I started screaming
that he was kidnapping me

and he almost got arrested
and we never went back.

You can lead a horse to water.

But you can't make it
get on a roller coaster

or try anal sex. I get it.

I'm the horse but
am I a gay horse,

a straight horse,
or a Shetland pony?

Which is basically a gay horse.

That's what Ryder would
say if he was here.

See he's in my head!

Will you please just
like tell me what I am?

Well why don't we just
start with the basics?

Are you sure you're a boy?

Well I was until now.

Interesting.

Rory?

Oh my God it is you hi!

Wow this is crazy flakes.

- Hi.
- Nicole Shaw

from Belmont High?

I know, I know, I know I
look totally different.

Yeah.

- Nose job. I got a nose job.
- Oh.

So wow here you
are auditioning.

I didn't even know you
were an actress.

Did you do plays in high school?

No not really.

- Did you?
- Yeah I was in every play.

Right you were yeah.

So how long have
you been in L.A.?

Are you booking a lot?

Oh well I'm actually not
supposed to say anything,

but I'm the new face
of the Squatty Potty.

Nice wow yeah, I booked
two nationals this year.

So it's like hell
yeah no more day job!

What was your day job?

Oh no, I'm just
being facetious.

I never had one.
Thank God you know?

That's not really facetious.

Awe you're so sweet.

No I mean,

how'd you pay rent?

I live with my boo,

and he's in banks or something

so that's super convenient.

And you know my
parents will help me

if I max out my card.

They just like, they love me
too much to see me suffer.

People think that all
we do is memorize lines,

but acting is really the
hardest job there is.

I don't know about that.

- No it is.
- It's emotionally exhausting

sure, but it's not like
a heart transplant.

If you're doing
it right, it is.

Hey Janice. Here's
those files you wanted.

Is my breath...

Sorry.

Is my breath that bad?

How 'bout now?

Better.

Yeah that was great.

Nicole, will you just stick
around for a little bit?

- Oh of course yeah.
- Thank you so much.

- Um...
- Rory.

- Rory.
- Rory, Rory.

That's all we need. Thank you
so much for coming in today.

- Okay thanks.
- Yeah bye-bye.

- Great job.
- You're really loud.

Thank you so much. Bye.

I'm moving to Seattle.

Well you can't be
an actress in Seattle.

Well apparently I
can't be one here either.

- Not with that attitude.
- Todd, I am too smart

to keep investing my life in
a career and a relationship

that is going nowhere.

- Lucille Ball.
- What about Lucille Ball?

Lucille Ball didn't make
it big until she was 40!

- Oh my God.
- I mean what if she

had given up?

Can you imagine that?

Why are you packing?

You could have your own show,

- I Rove Rory.
- Yeah and then you can be

my heavily accented
straight man.

- Yeah.
- No Todd. Come on.

Todd, Todd if you
don't want me to go,

why are you packing?

- I don't know!
- Those aren't my clothes.

I know.

Todd we can do better.

We both deserve more.

I don't want more, I'm happy.

- I'm not.
- Well that's your

fault not mine.

Todd next week or maybe
five years from now,

you could meet the right guy.

You could. And
maybe that's someone

who doesn't want
to touch your butt.

Or maybe you learn to
like it I don't know,

but I can't just sit around

and wait for you to hurt me.

Why would I hurt
you when I love you?

I don't think that
you can love somebody

else until you love yourself.

Well I love myself
when I'm with you.

Todd this isn't
one of our debates,

you can't win.

What if this is
as good as it gets?

Like that movie "As
Good As It Gets".

Sometimes something's
gotta give like that movie

"The Day After Tomorrow".

Well can you just
tell me what you want

so I can try?

I want my own apartment
that accurately represents

one third of my income,

and I want my own friends that
are less attractive than me,

and I want simultaneous orgasms,

and those are things
you can't give.

You said you didn't want sex.

Yeah I changed my mind.

Well that's not allowed.

Maybe one day I want kids.

Todd, hey Todd.

Todd come on. Todd don't,

Todd hey
Todd don't, come on.

Todd I'm sorry I
don't want kids.

I don't want kids.
Todd, that was stupid.

I don't know why I said
that, I'm sorry. Come on.

Todd.

Todd.

Todd I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't mean it.

I hate babies. We know
this. Todd, come on.

Okay, okay. Todd I need
you to breath, alright?

Just breath for me okay?

It's okay Todd, it's okay.

You're gonna be...

Todd I'm here okay?

I'm just gonna sit right here,

but I need you to
breath. Alright?

I'm right here, I'm just
gonna be right here.

People say that
finding love is hard.

Well I did the math.

There are four million
people living in Los Angeles

based off the 2010 census.

Approximately eight percent
of whom are men aged 20 to 30,

five to 10% of whom
identify as gay or bisexual.

Of these 32,000 or less men,

only 10% will have an
IQ of 120 or higher,

so we can eliminate the
rest let's be honest.

Of the remaining 3200,

I will be sexually
incompatible with most of them.

While there are no
conclusive studies

on the number of gay men who
abstain from penetrative sex,

I'm assuming the
number is less than 25%

especially in my generation
and I think that's generous.

Now of these 800 men,

30% will be in long-term
relationships with each other,

60% will find me unattractive

either because I'm Asian,
because I have a crooked face,

or because I'm
generally incorrigible,

and an additional nine percent

that can actually
put up with me,

I will reject outright
over various deal-breakers

including but not
limited to snoring,

poor dental hygiene and
or bad taste in movies.

That only leaves eight potential
could mates on the high end

and after calculating
he binomial distribution

for randomly meeting
any one of them

on any given day over
the next half century

- Todd.
- and integrating the

probability mass from zero
to one number of meetings,

- Todd.
- there is only a .0006%

chance that I will ever
fall in love which is,

as I'm sure you can guess,
statistically insignificant.

- Todd.
- And I'm having

more compulsions so if
you could please refer me

to a cognitive
behavioral therapist,

I'd greatly appreciate it.

Why don't you
call Dr. Lionetti?

I don't want him to
know that I'm relapsing.

He has a very high
opinion of me,

he said so in our last session.

Have you considered
that your symptoms

are being activated
by emotional stress?

Oh you think
it's psychological?

Well I guess that's why my
parents pay you the big bucks.

I'm sorry I know I'm projecting.

I'm projecting, I'm projecting,

- I'm projecting.
- If Rory was a man,

would you still love her?

What do you mean?

If you met a man with
all of Rory's qualities,

her interests, her intellect,
her sense of humor,

would you consider this
man your soul mate?

Yes obviously.

Then Todd I think
you might be gay.

Like a Kinsey five.

Okay fine. I'm 'gay'. Is
that what you wanna hear?

Is that what the
world needs to hear?

I'm fucking gay?

I don't have a problem
with being gay,

I have a problem with being
alone for the rest of my life!

Well then. I think
we're making progress.

I mean gay men have
been marrying women

since sliced bread.

I don't know what to tell you.

Maybe Rory's right.
Maybe I don't love myself.

Maybe I wouldn't have
been loyal to her.

Now you're just being silly.

You're like the
definition of loyal.

You're like that dog Old Yeller.

Yeah Old Yeller was loyal,

until he got rabies and
then Travis shot him

in the face and he died.

I'm cheating on Zane.

- What?
- I've been sleeping

with his other guy.
His name is River.

He's beautiful,
he has an accent.

Zane has an accent.

I know but he didn't
feel foreign to me anymore.

Don't lecture me,
I know it's fucked.

Look, Todd my point is,

I love you but I can't
imagine spending more than

three days with you at a time.

That's not a point.

Zane and I aren't
best friends.

We don't have have doc
night, we don't bananagram,

we don't lose track of time
via intense conversation.

We do lose track of time
via intense fucking,

but for me that's
easy to come by.

You know I throw a
penny, I hit a model.

Can you say the same
thing about Rory?

Think about it.

Can we go inside now?

Thank you.

Rory. Rory. Rory. Rory.

Excuse me. Do you work here?

Hi Karen, it's Rory.

Just thought I'd
drop you a line.

Work is good, my boss wanted
me to decorate my cubicle.

Apparently my lack
of framed photographs

is darkening her aura,

so I photoshopped myself
into a fashion spread

with the cast of "The O.C."
and then she was like,

"All of your friends are white."

and I was like, "I
know I'm sorry."

Oh in 23 days I
qualify for medical

which is great 'cause I can't
hear certain frequencies

in my left ear.

I think I might have like an
acoustic neuroma or something.

I know I sound like...

and apparently I'm gonna
see you seven more times

before you die.

I did say you were living
in the Philippines,

I know that's temporary but,

I think it might have
skewed the results.

Okay call me back. Bye.

I keep telling them we
need to get a second toaster.

These traffic jams
are driving me mad.

You should write up a
cost-benefit analysis.

When management sees this
loss of employee productivity,

surely they will
cave to your demands.

So what kind of
bagel are you having?

- Sesame.
- Nice.

What kind of bagel
are you having?

Garlic.

Lovely.

Well I'm not planing on
kissing anyone today so.

Are you?

Am I what?

Do you have plans
to kiss anyone today?

Nope.

Nothing on the calendar.

Hey
you! Answer the door!

It is a school night!

Really? I know you're in there,

you just turned the lights off.

God why can't you just
have sex for five minutes

like a normal person?

Hey Rory.

Oh hey Craig.

A bunch of us
are gonna check out

this new Thai place for lunch.

It's not a party
unless you're there.

Yeah. Okay I like Thai.

Great. We're
about to head over.

For sure, I'm just
gonna finish this

and then I'll meet
you guys there.

Don't work too
hard Rory Gilmore.

You watch "Gilmore Girls"?

Oh yeah, yeah I own like
all the seasons on DVD.

Me too.

Hey Craig, random question.

Hit me.

If somebody had
a gun to your head

and they said "Kill this baby

or I'm gonna kill you",
what would you do?

- What baby?
- There's a baby on the floor.

It's just lying on the floor?

Okay it's on a shelf
but you have a gun,

and you can either kill
the baby or you get shot.

Can't I just kill the guy
with the gun pointed to my head?

No he's too fast,

he's like James Bond.

Why would James Bond
make me kill a baby?

It's a hypothetical
situation Craig.

I mean I guess I
would, save the baby.

I don't think I could
live with the guilt.

Yeah.

Why, what would you do?

Oh I would save
the baby obviously.

You're so funny
Rory.

Excuse me.
Do you work here?

Todd?

What are you doing here?

How did you find me?

Your landlord called
me for a reference check,

she had your employer
info on file.

She just gave it to you?

Well her English
wasn't very good.

Yeah I think she's Bulgarian.

I would've guessed Hungarian.

What's the difference?

Well Hungarians can't
make the 'th' sound.

- The what?
- The 'th' sound.

Okay nevermind Todd

how did you even get to Seattle?

Did you, did you take a plane?

Yes. For you.

- Really?
- No I drove.

It took me three days.

I had to book a hotel in
Sacramento and Medford.

Look you called me.

No, no I didn't.

- Yes you did.
- My butt, my butt dialed you.

Well I think your butt
knows what your heart wants.

I think you called
me like that episode

of "Gilmore Girls"
where Lorelei calls Luke

like that movie
"The Way We Were"

where Barbra Streisand
calls Robert Redford

because she really
needed her best friend.

Todd, this is too meta for me.

I'm your best friend,

and I just wanna
be the way we were.

You know how that
movie ends right?

Yes and it sucked,
and that's why.

And that's why.

Todd what is this?

- It's our song.
- I have never heard this song

in my life.

Well every rainbow

- has to start somewhere.
- What?

Todd, how long have these
people been out there?

Were they one per tree?

What if I didn't show up?

What if I worked late
or snuck out the back

and carpooled to Chipotle?

- I don't know.
- You're crazy.

People do crazy things

- when they're in love.
- When they're in love.

Todd, Todd what are you doing?

Rory I love you.

- Get up, Todd!
- I will always love you.

And I know that you're scared
that I'm going to hurt you,

so I'm giving you

- my guarantee.
- That better not

be a ring or I'm gonna...

Rory will you...

- What, no!
- You didn't even

- let me finish.
- No I will not marry you!

- Why?
- I am not discussing...

Okay. They need to leave.

Whoever they are. Do
you know these people?

Great. Okay, hi.
Excuse me I'm sorry,

but this is just a
big misunderstanding.

You're all very talented
but show's over.

Okay, time to go home.
All seven of you.

Okay thank
you. Drive safe.

Todd. I'm not ready for this,

this is too soon.

Well are you even happy here?

- Overall yes.
- Oh. Well,

do you love me?

No.

Look, I know that you're
worried I'm gonna meet

the perfect guy some day,

but I promise you I won't
because he doesn't exist.

Sure we all like to think
there's this soul mate

out there for us who's
going to complete

us intellectually and
physically and emotionally,

but the harsh reality is
not everybody gets that.

So two out of
three isn't so bad.

I mean, if your blind
or schizophrenic

or you're missing
an arm and a leg,

you might not even
get one out of three

and you just have
to accept that.

And I know that that's an
offensive thing to say,

but you agree with
me, you agree with me.

And anyway I had accepted
that, that I would never

find anybody because I
admit that I'm finicky,

but then I met you and
I don't have to scour

the ends of the earth to know
beyond a reasonable doubt

that you're the one.

I already know.

You're the only person
I like arguing with

and you're the only person
I don't mind losing to,

and you're the only
person I can't lose.

And so maybe we won't have
the greatest sex ever,

but you know, I mean
I can try harder.

I mean if Helen Keller
can learn to talk,

I can learn to eat you out,

and I just, I honestly
think that we could be happy

for the rest of our lives
because I wanna watch you die.

I mean, I wanna see
you through to the end.

In sickness, and in health and
you know that that says a lot

because I don't like
sickness or endings or poop

and you know this, but you know,

if you had cancer
and you needed help,

I mean ideally I'll have a
nurse to help deal with that,

but if it was an emergency

and you did number
two in your pants,

I would clean you up
because I love you

and I want you to be my wife.

I'm sorry.

Baby if you love me,

won't you please just
just give me a smile?

Baby if you love me,

won't you please just
just give me a smile?

Baby if you love me,

won't you please
just give me a smile?

Baby if you love me,

won't you please
just give me a smile?

Please, please give me a smile.

Baby if you love me,

won't you please
just give me a smile?

Rory come on!

Baby if you love me,

won't you please
just give me a smile?

- Sonder.
- That's a great word.

I didn't have a moment
of sonder until last year.

That's okay, you have
other good qualities.

- Schadenfreude obviously.
- Or Jouska.

What's Jouska?

Jouska is when you replay
a hypothetical dialogue

over and over
again in your head,

like winning an argument,

or getting interviewed
by Conan O'Brien.

There's a word for that?

There's a word for everything.

I wonder if there's a
word that exactly describes

the feeling when you
learn there's a word

that exactly describes
what you're feeling.

If there is, I
bet it's French.

What are we talking about?

Specific words to
describe obscure emotions.

Oh.

Déjà vu.

We already said that.

- Cauliphrenia.
- What's that?

Well Cauliphrenia
is the feeling when

you eat the last bite
of something delicious

and you become sad because
you can no longer eat it.

How do you spell that?

He's lying.

You're such a tattletale.

Yeah you'd get
shanked in prison, Todd.

Oh imagine all the new things

you'd get to try if you
were someone's bitch.

Hey Todd, remember
when you were

gonna learn how to eat me out?

I wish there was
a word to describe

how I'm feeling now.

You guys ready?

Ready.

Split.