Straight Talk (1992) - full transcript

Break's over. Back to
the dance floor. It's swing time.

What's cookin', Guy?

Hey, you look like your wife
just ran off with the mailman.

I can't laugh, Shirl.
I'm really upset.

What is it?

Break's over.
You got a customer waitin'.

Hey, that's not important.

If I have to pick between
business and people...

it's people every time.

Shoot.

It's about one of the employees.



Oh, forget it.
You go on to your customers.

No, no, it's okay.
Go ahead.

This employee is a real
sweetheart, but she can't
keep her yap shut.

She's so busy talking
to the stupid customers
about their stupid problems...

it takes her forever
to get to her next lesson.

You want me to talk to her?

I'm good with helping people
with their problems.

I've tried.
It doesn't do any good.

What more can I do? Tattoo
"Time is money" on my forehead?

Well, I hate to say this
'cause I see you care.

Maybe you're just gonna
have to let her go.

Consider it effective immediately.

Me?

You could've knocked me over
with a feather.



Boy, he really set you up.

I can't believe I actually
recommended firing myself.

Sometimes I dream about
seeing Guy dropped on his head...

from a tall building.

Wait a second.
I have to make a wish.

Shirl, you got to
do this every day?

Do you have a coin?

If I don't make my wish,
somethin' bad's gonna happen.

It already happened.
You got fired.

That's just great, Shirl.

What are we supposed
to live on now?

I thought you might try
lookin' for a job again.

In this stinkin' town?

There ain't no jobs in this town.
I'm sick of lookin'.

This might be a great time
for us to move to Chicago.

Pack our bags
and head to the big city.

What do you say?

You want to pick up
and leave everyone...

leave all our friends.

This town's dyin'.
We're dyin' with it.

You been out of work how long?
Eight months, nine?

I know you've looked hard,
but it's like you've given up.

Chicago, huh?

What is so goddamn great
about Chicago?

What's so great about Chicago
is that it's not Flat River.

You can't even cook, Shirl.

You can't even keep
a half-assed job...

pushing some old farts
around the dance floor.

Everything you do gets screwed up.

- Where you goin'?
- Get a couple of beers.

You got a whole six-pack left.

I'm goin' out, Shirl.

Steve, I'm leavin'.

I'm leavin', Steve!

Go on then.

What about us gettin' married?

Ain't you been married enough?

I'll see you when I get home.

- I won't be here.
- You wanna bet?

I'm taking your bowling bag.

It's been a long dark night

And I been waitin' for morning

It's been a long hard fight

But I see a brand-new day a-dawnin'

I been lookin' for the sunshine

'Cause I ain't seen it in so long

Everything's gonna
work out just fine

Everything's gonna be all right

That's been all wrong

'Cause I can see the light
of a clear blue morning

I can see the light
of a brand-new day

I can see the light
of a clear blue morning

And everything's gonna be all right

It's gonna be okay

It's been a long, long time

Since I've known
the taste of freedom

And those clinging vines

That had me bound
Well, I don't need 'em

'Cause I am strong
and I can prove it

And I got my dreams
to see me through

It's just a mountain I can move it

And with faith and love
there's nothing I can't do

And I can see the light
of a clear blue morning

And I can see the light
of a brand-new day

I can see the light
of a clear blue morning

I can see the light
of a clear blue morning

And everything's gonna be all right

It's gonna be okay

I can see the light,
I can see the light

I can see the light,
I can see the light

Oh!

Oh, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot!

Hey!

Hey!

Ohh!

I gotcha!

Hold on! Hold on!

Just give me your hand.
Give me your hand.

I gotcha.
Don't look down.

Put your foot there.

Put your arm around me.
Put your arm around my neck.

Okay, ready?

Don't look down.

Are you okay?

Are you nuts? Get away from me.
You almost killed me.

Wait a minute.
I just saved your life.

You could've killed me,
and I lost my 20 bucks.

You weren't trying
to kill yourself?

Why should I?
You were gonna do it for me.

- Then I guess I didn't save your life.
- I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Maybe somebody'll try to
kill themselves tomorrow.

Well, you don't have to get
sarcastic about it.

It's breakfast time.
Check out the restaurants.

You might find somebody
not choking you can give
the Heimlich maneuver to.

I took time off work to stop you
from jumping off a bridge.

It isn't my fault you
weren't trying to jump.

Okay, you were just tryin' to help.

- Okay, here, here. Take this.
- What are you doin'?

If you're willing to risk
your neck for $20...

you need it more than I do.

It shouldn't cost you money
to do a good deed.

But the next time you
want to save somebody,
make sure they need saving.

Hey, lady, everybody needs saving.

120, 140, 160, 180.

- Doesn't leave me much
for breakfast, does it?
- I wouldn't know.

Doesn't hurt your mouth
to give a smile.

Remember that city hall
deficit scandal piece you did?

That was a great story.

And that convicted child molester
who they hired...

to drive a school bus in Waukegan.

They do background checks
on new drivers based on that.

- I don't have anything
new for you, Milo.
- Nothing?

Nothing's panned out yet.

- It's a big city, Jack.
Find me something.
- Don't I always?

Remember, you're only as good...

...as your next story.

Big city, Jack.

Thanks, lady.

Miss, I'll have that
early bird special and coffee.

One big spender, comin' up.

That's one juice.

Thank you.

- Excuse me, would you
pass me the sugar?
- Sure.

- Oh, damn it to hell!
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I am so sorry.

It's not the coffee.
I am just so ticked off.

You want to talk about it?

Did you ever try dating
a workaholic when their
work's not going so great?

No, I never did date a workaholic.

I sometimes wish I had, though.

The guys I date don't
work at all mostly.

Believe me, it's no picnic.

He makes dates, breaks them,
stays at the office all night.

Another woman I could fight, but
how do you compete against a job?

Where are you when
he breaks these dates?

Waiting for him.

- Maybe that's your problem.
- What do you mean?

Why should he hurry home
if he knows you're there?

He's taking you for granted.
Get on with your life.

If he wants you, you're busy.
He'll come around or he won't.

Either way you'll
be livin', not waitin'.

That makes sense.

Sometimes you got to get out
and honk your own horn.

The early bird special.

Boy, the bird part's right.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It was an all-nighter, again.

I didn't call 'cause I kept
thinking I was gonna finish up.

I didn't wanna wake you.
I hope you didn't wait up.

No, I didn't wait up.

Uh, as a matter of fact,
I went out.

Oh good, good.
What do you mean "out"?

- I went out with a friend.
- Good. Good.

What do you mean, "a friend"?

Why are you so suspicious?

I don't question you
about being at work.

If I say I'm at work, I'm at work.

I can vouch for his being at work.
That's what he told me.

Why would he lie to me?

- Oh God!
- You know each other?

He tried to push me off
a bridge this morning.

I tried to stop you from jumping.

- I was not tryin' to jump.
- Excuse me.

- I'll make it up to you tonight.
- I'm busy tonight.

- Are you gonna eat that?
- Go right ahead.

How can you be busy tonight?

- I made other plans, Jack.
- What other plans?

I want to go on with my life.

I want to live, not wait.

I'm going to honk my
own horn for a change.

What have you done with Janice?

I didn't realize how much
you'd been taking me for granted...

until it was pointed out to me.

What brilliant mind
pointed that out?

You want to wreck
my entire day, lady?

I don't want to get
in the middle of this.

- It's a little late.
- This is not about her,
this is about you.

You wanna know what your
problem is? You're at work.

When you're not at work,
you're brooding about work.

So let me tell you
where I'm gonna be.

I am going to be out with
someone that really values me.

- This woman...
- Shirlee.

...made me see that
I can do a lot better.

So long, Jack.

Thank you...

- Shirlee.
- Shirlee.

It's been a great
thrill meeting you.

I wish it were
a little later in life...

like on my deathbed.

It's a dirty job
but somebody's gotta do it

Better get to it
Somebody's gotta do it
whatever it takes

Shh!

Any work at all is better than none

Better buckle down to it
gotta get the job done

Gotta earn my pay

I gotta earn my pay

Excuse me. I came
to see about the job.

I don't think so.

Somebody's gotta do it, do it

Somebody's gotta do it, do it

Somebody

I can think of better
things I'd rather do

I might get lucky and I'm hoping to

But until I do I gotta compromise

The job ain't much
but at least it's mine

It beats standing in
the unemployment line

Put pride aside and I improvise

Even if I do get a better job

Somebody else has got
to fill my spot

Somebody's gotta do it, do it

Somebody's gotta do it, do it

Somebody's gotta do it, do it

Somebody, somebody

Somebody's gotta do it

Somebody's gotta do it, yeah

It's a funky job,
it's a low-down dirty job

Great, Angel.
Now show us your tits.

Even if the rules
are too hard to follow

Even when pride
is too hard to swallow

- It was a "dry" T-shirt contest.
- You are funny, Bob.

Bill, there's something really
ugly crawling up your shirt.

- That's my tie, Bob.
- Sorry, Bill.

It's time for the morning traffic.

Today's morning traffic
report brought to you by...

Chateau J. Simpson, the wine
that used to play football.

W-N-D-Y. I'll put you right through.

Okay, ice cream delivery,
waitress, cocktail waitress...

- bartender.
- I was just workin' my way up.

Waitress, manicurist --
no reception work.

- Hello, W-N-D-Y.
- Not exactly, but I have a phone.

I've answered phones.
Who hasn't?

I'd really like to hire you,
but you need experience
to work a VMX-2000.

Hello, W-N-D-Y.

W-N-D-Y.
Hold please.

Hello, W-N-D-Y.
Mr. Perlman.

Yes, I'll put you right through.

I may not be exactly
what you're huntin' for...

but sometimes a dog runs
the wrong squirrel up the right tree.

Pardon me?

It's something
my daddy used to say.

That's a good-lookin' man.
Is that your husband?

That's my soon-to-be ex-husband.

Like a punch in the gut, huh?

Girl, you don't know.

Oh, I do know.
Believe me, I do know.

I agree. Stanford
was a little dull.

People fell asleep at
the wheel listening to her.

I made a slight error in judgment.

If Stanford was a slight error,
what was that last bozo you hired?

I want someone with a PhD.

The other stations get them
and they're killing us in the ratings.

People want to confide
their problems to a doctor.

So who did you hire to
destroy my ratings now?

This one's perfect.
Her name's Dr. Kendall.

Three cities were dying for her.
I outbid 'em all.

I interviewed her personally.

- She's just what you wanted.
- A doctor?

A trained clinical psychologist.
Three letters after her name.

I don't want anyone
too dry and technical.

- She's willing to talk down
to our audience.
- Not talk down.

Talk with.
That's what I meant.

She'd better be all you say she is
for your sake, Alan.

All right, let's go, go.

You can ignore this row.
It goes straight to
the Stanford show.

You can ignore this row.
It goes straight to
the Stanford show.

- Stanford?
- The call-in shrink.

Actually, there's a new one coming
in today. Name's Dr. Kendall.

You gonna be all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.

W-N-D-Y. Hello, this is Shirlee.

- You just put 'em on hold.
- Oh, yeah.

- Now you just cut 'em off.
- That was a personal choice.

- I'll be back real soon.
- Okay.

W-N-D-Y. Hello, this is Shirlee.

Can I put you through?
I'm sure gonna try.

Pet Corner. Do you have a question?

- My bull terrier--
- We're only taking
questions on reptiles.

- Pet Corner.
- Do snakes have nipples?

Good question.

-
- W-N-D-Y. Please hold.
W-N-D-Y. Please hold.

W-N-D-Y. I know you've been
holding and you should be grateful.

Everybody else got cut off.

Five minutes.

- Yo.
- Where's this new doc?

- You got me.
What if she doesn't show?
- Play yesterday's news.

Then a right and I'm
in the coffee room.

- Got it. Thanks.
- Oh, Shirlee.

Oh!

A three-car pileup has
the left lane of Kennedy...

snarling traffic
in the O'Hare area.

Traffic in the western suburbs
is moving smoothly.

Folks along Lake Shore Drive
are battling construction...

and a disabled vehicle,
closing the right lane.

Where's the coffee
machine? Thanks.

Temperatures are expected
to top out in the mid-80s.

Look for relief within
the next couple of days.

A high-pressure front
is headed back east...

bringing lower temperatures
and a possibility of rain.

In sports, the Cubbies win
after going extra innings
against the Pirates.

A sacrifice fly by
Andre Dawson homered in
the winning run.

This must be our girl.

Kendall. Kendall?

Kendall, behind you. Kendall.

- Yes, hello.
- It's Kenyon.

- Shirlee Kenyon.
- I'm sorry. I have Kendall.

I ought to know my own name.

You got any real cream?
This stuff will kill you.

I'm Tony de Santis, your producer.

That's Gordon Sussman.
He's the engineer.

- Hi, Kendall.
- Kenyon.

- 20 seconds.
- Nice meetin' ya.

No time for jokes.

The hold button says hold.
The kill button's next to it.

Kill button?
I just came in for coffee.

Put your headphones on.

- You want me to go on the radio?
- That's very funny.

Hey now, my job description --

W-N-D-Y, Chicago radio...

invites you to participate
in a program...

designed to help you find
a more productive life.

Talk radio is about
sharing your concerns...

and helping to find answers
through creative solutions.

And now, W-N-D-Y's
Dr. Shirlee Kendall.

Kenyon.

Hello? Hello, Dr. Kendall?

My son and my husband
are fighting again --

Hang on.

This was not in my job description.

Hello, are you there?

Last night, my son hit my husband.

He's 18 and a bodybuilder.
My son, not my husband.

- Who is this?
- This is Gladys from Northbrook.

Do I know you?

I tried calling before.

-
- The girl at lunchtime
when I was up front.

I must've cut you off.
Lord, I'm sorry about that.

It was crazy around here.

Go ahead, Gladys.
What happened then?

Tell me everything.

Oh, my gosh.
That's just terrible.

Maybe you could--

Gladys, I don't know what to say.

Well, say something. God!

That's one of the worst
things I've ever heard.

This is a doctor?
I could be saying this stuff!

This is Donald. I'm 50.
My mother's in her 70s.

She moved in with me and she
still treats me like a child.

She tells me what to do
in my own home.

She's just drivin' me crazy.

Have her put to sleep.
No, I'm just kiddin'.

- She's your mother.
- Okay, okay.

Excuse me.
Comin' through.

One mama can take care
of ten kids...

but ten kids can't
take care of one mama.

Let's go! Let's go!

You've stopped sleeping
with your wife.

- Isn't that what you're tryin' to say?
- I guess it is, yes.

- So who you foolin' around with?
- It's not that at all.

I just lost interest in her.

Yeah, and who are you
foolin' around with?

A girl in my office.

You got a wife, and
you got a girlfriend in the office?

Did you say your name was
"Bud"or "Stud"?

I'm sorry.

You're livin' your life so crooked,
you have to screw your socks on.

Havin' an affair is like
shootin' pool on two tables.

You may have the balls, but
you're gonna wear out your stick.

What is going on over there?

Hi, this is Tina.

Tina, this is Shirlee.
What's cookin'?

The boss gave me notice.
I was the hardest-working
waitress in the place.

He said I was messin' up
too many orders.

When I came home
and told my husband Ken...

he looked at me like
I was somethin' horrible.

And he said-- I don't think I can
handle this on the radio.

Take your time, Tina.
I got no place to go.

He said that I was a loser,
that I couldn't hold a job...

the house was always a mess...

and if it weren't for him
I couldn't make it.

- He said all that to you?
- Yes, he did.

You sure?
Sure you're sure.

Tina, listen. I want you
to march up to this guy.

Tell him that you're doin'
the very best you can.

If he can't appreciate it,
you're not gonna take this crap...

that you can do just fine
on your own, thank you...

and that he's gonna be damn sorry.

Then grab your bowling bag
and get the hell out of there!

Sometimes you gotta
honk your own horn.

If you don't, nobody's
gonna know you're comin'.

That's it.
Wrap it up. Wrap it up.

Say "bye." Bye-bye.

Oh, say good-bye.

It's been real nice spendin'
this time with you.

And like my daddy used to say...

quickest way to forget your problems
is to listen to somebody else's.

Move that car!

Oh, sorry.

That was unbelievable. I have
never seen anything like that.

I didn't fall asleep once.

That was the most horrifying...

the worst display of, of, of--

Who are you?

- Who is she?
- Dr. Kenyon.

- Who is Dr. Kenyon?
- You just hired her.

- I didn't hire her.
I hired Dr. Kim ball.
- Kendall.

Kenyon. What's the difference?
She's a natural.

You don't talk.
Maybe never again.

I'm gonna make my way
back to the switchboard.

Walk past the switchboard and get
your butt out of this building.

This is not her fault.
Your Dr. Kendall didn't show up.

I thought Kenyon was Kendall
and I put her on the air.

Oh! Oh!

I want to be absolutely
fair about this.

You're both fired!

Yeah, I've got her
leaving the building.

Blue me

Blue me

Hello, Steve.
It's me, Shirlee.

I can't talk long.
I ain't got much money.

Well, I'm sorry you went bowling
and didn't have your bowling bag.

Don't you even want
to know where I am?

Well, if I was comin' back,
I wouldn't forget your
precious bowling bag.

But I ain't comin' back
'cause I got this great job...

and I'm startin' tomorrow.

All my dreams are gonna come true.

I'm blue

I'm just as blue as can be

Blue me

Blue me

- Hey, Kenyon.
- I just checked out.
Forwarding address unknown.

Mr. Riegert from W-N-D-Y
sent me to take you
down to the station.

- Shirlee Kenyon?
- Uh-huh.

Hey, look, I didn't
want to be on the radio...

but there's no law
against it, is there?

- I thought you were great.
- You did? Who are you?

Name's Casey. It will be
my pleasure to drive you.

That's very sweet of you, Casey,
but I won't be needing the ride.

Why don't you do us both a favor...

and tell them I wasn't here.

Please, Miss Kenyon.
You don't want to get
me in trouble, do you?

- No.
- Then let me do my job.

Do you know what's happened
since you left here yesterday?

You hired someone else
to answer the phone?

We've received over 500 calls.

I might've cut a few people off--

We've never seen anything like it.

They love you.
They absolutely love you.

Look at these.

- That's right.
- Are there any more?

Yes, yes! Hundreds.

Wow!

- I am prepared to offer
you your own program.
- My own program?

It's two hours a day,
five days a week at --
What were we paying you?

- 250.
- I'm prepared to double that.

Double my salary
and no reception work?

No reception work.

- Hey, wait a minute.
This says Doctor Shirlee.
- Right.

The boss wants a doctor,
so that's what you are.

Sign it.
It's not important.

Of course it's important.
It's not true.

Okay, $800 a week.

But it still says Doctor Shirlee.

Listen, listen.

Captain Kangaroo
wasn't really a captain.

He wasn't even a kangaroo.

Besides, no one's
ever going to know.

I'm gonna come up with
a first-rate bio for you.

It's just gonna be between
you and me and the lamppost.

In fact, not even the lamppost.

I just don't feel comfortable
pretending to be something I'm not.

If I thought I was doing
a disservice to the public...

I would be the first to say so.

You already went on
the air as a doctor.

If you go on and say,
"I'm not a doctor,"

what are your listeners
gonna think?

They're gonna think
I'm not a doctor.

Hey, you... you are a doctor...

of the heart.

You're a doctor of the heart.

You help people.

Look at these telegrams.
They love you.

Are you gonna
let these people down?

Hmm?

The man's a real ball buster.

That's not a problem for me.

He can be very difficult.

Don't forget.
It's doctor, doctor, doctor.

- And also --
- Also wear clean underwear
in case I get in a wreck.

Gene, this is --

The woman that saved
that damn shrink spot.

Oh, you've got
the real common touch.

I like that, Kendall.

Uh, Kenyon. My mistake.

Uh, but there --

there is a question that
I'm afraid I'm going to
have to ask you, Kenyon.

Whatever it is, Mr. Perlman,
you'll get a truthful answer.

Then tell me, how did you
get to be so darn pretty?

I want to publicize
the hell out of her.

Ads, promos, billboards.

Or maybe we should give Shirlee
a little time to settle into it...

and then build an audience.

But that's how we
build an audience, Alan.

Why keep our biggest
potential asset under wraps?

You were fantastic in there.

You were fantastic in there.

You played him like a violin.
You're my girl.

I wish Steve could see me now.
Boy, he'd eat his words.

Steve's the ex-husband?

No, Steve's the guy
I was living with...

after the last time
me and Leland got divorced.

The last time?
How many times you been --?

Three times. You've been
married three times?

- Yeah, but to the same guy.
- Oh.

He left, he came back.
We got married, we got divorced.

He got put in jail for shooting
a ready-teller machine.

We got divorced.
It went on and on.

It was such a mess.

You tell no one anything
about your past.

Anything.
I don't want you ever --

Don't talk about your past
at all, to anyone.

No interviews 'til I make up
something right for you.

- Okay?
- Now wait a minute.

I don't think I'm
gonna feel comfortable...

lyin' about who I am
and where I'm from.

You've got a lot to offer...

and I would hate to see
people miss out on it...

because of a few little mistakes you
might have made in your past.

Let me handle your life.

You just go out, live it.

Ohh

Gimme some straight talk,
straight talk

And hold the sugar please

Straight talk, straight talk

Sounds plenty sweet to me

Don't talk to me in circles
in some mumbo-jumbojive

Gimme just straight talk,
straight talk

And we're gonna be all right

Hi, this is Dr. Shirlee.

What the announcement said,
I really mean.

I'm here to talk about
your problems and concerns.

Anything goes
so let's not be shy...

'cause you're among friends.

Our first caller-- Oh, good grief.

Look at me.

What a mess!

I wish this was on TV so you
could see how messy I really am.

I'm busier than a one-legged man
in a butt-kickin' contest.

Straight talk, straight talk

So come on let's talk turkey

Just straight and to the point
about passions, about problems

A bout noses out of joint

Now I want you all to know I care

And I do understand

And hey thanks for lendin' me
an ear out there in radio land

No, Martha, it isn't fair,
but life isn't fair.

Even the Declaration
of Independence...

only guarantees life, liberty
and the pursuit of happiness.

It doesn't say anything about fair.

Doesn't even say you have a right
to be happy, just to pursue it.

But no one
appreciates me and I try to be fair.

Get down off the cross, honey.
Somebody needs the wood.

Straight talk, straight talk
there's nothin' like the truth

Just tell me all your troubles

Pretend I'm Donahue

So don't be shy 'cause we can talk

- Is that for me?
- It's all yours.

I feel like Mary Kay!

Hello, Shirlee here.

Yeah, hi, Dr. Shirlee.

Um, I think I'm falling in love
with a girl at work.

I don't know how to tell her.

You little flirt.

And now Nancy will continue
our week-long series on
talk radio psychologists.

Talk radio psychology.
Quick cash, instant
breakfast, minute rice.

The only thing that's getting
slower are traffic and service.

Who's your favorite
talk radio personality?

Dr. Shirlee!

This is not news, in case
anybody's interested.

- You listen to talk radio?
- Only Dr. Shirlee.

The hottest new personality
in Chicago radio is forthright...

she's funny.

Able to solve problems
in 30 seconds and still
leave time for commercials.

Hey, pal, you wanna bag that?
I like Dr. Shirlee.

Okay, fine. Who the hell
is Dr. Shirlee anyway?

What's cooking with her?

Although at this time
Dr. Shirlee has refused
all requests for an interview...

we do have here in our studio W-N-D-Y
program director Alan Riegert.

Alan, who is Dr. Shirlee?

Who is Dr. Shirlee?

Dr. Shirlee is, and I don't think
it's an exaggeration...

the best thing that's happened to
Chicago since deep-dish pizza.

I think of her as my gift.

I think of her as
my gift to Chicago...

which is the city I love.

Milo, there's a story here.
I know her personally.

- She doesn't know I'm a reporter.
- Doesn't sound like much.

One day she's risking
her neck for 20 bucks...

and the next, she's Chicago's
answer to Dr.Joyce Brothers.

- It smells.
- You're wasting your time.

Don't count on it.

Why are they holding
a cocktail party at the aquarium?

Rich people like to dress up
and be seen in strange places.

I feel like a kid dressed up
in my mama's clothes.

- I really don't feel like
I belong here at all.
- Ten minutes.

Shake a hand, have a drink,
save a whale.

I'll be with you every second.

Look at you.
Look at you!

I can't get over
the transformation.

You look like a million bucks.

You make me very proud
of myself tonight.

You're my discovery.

Alan, I am not the atom.

- How much?
- It's gratis.

I didn't ask what it was.
I asked how much.

It's complimentary.

And it's on the house,
without charge, free.

No kidding?
Well, thank you.

If you don't know
what something means...

pretend you do and follow my lead.

You're supposed to be
a college graduate.

Excuse me.

- Jack Russell, press.
- Invitation?

- Our society columnist
is covering the shindig.
- Mr. Sindell is already here.

His wife went into labor.
I'm relieving him.

His wife is with him.

His wife is hyperventilating
in the back of a station wagon.

An attractive temp from
the typing pool is with him.

- If you'd like to break the news --
- No, please go in.

Thank you.

- Thinkin' of jumpin' in?
- Not unless you push me.

So this is where you hang out when
you're not dangling from bridges.

Doesn't seem like
your kind of party.

I don't want to know what
you think my kind of party is.

Not the stuffed-shirt brigade.

I don't know about you,
but I'm bored.

If you hate being here,
why don't you go somewhere
you'd rather be?

I'd rather be with Janice,
but thanks to you, Janice
isn't around anymore.

I want you to know I feel
bad about what happened.

No, don't.
You had me pegged right.

My record relationship is 17 weeks.

When you consider it takes
longer than that to grow
a good-looking lawn...

it isn't much of a record.

- But you keep doing the same
thing over and over.
- I guess so.

If a guy keeps wrecking
his car every six months...

you'd begin to wonder about
his driving, wouldn't you?

You're one of those guys
that always has to hold
a part of himself back...

always keeping that one cookie
in the cookie jar.

Would you like
a little free advice?

It's like you're allergic
to cornflakes...

so you start to buy stuff,
like a can of peas.

You open the can and
inside... cornflakes.

So you pick a TV dinner and...

cornflakes.

What does that mean?

The girls you go out with,
outside they're all different packages.

Inside...

Cornflakes.

So...

- so what do I do?
- Over here.

I have to get out of here.
It was nice to see you again.

Hey, wait a minute!

Hey, wait a minute.

You tell me my life is
cornflakes and cookies,
and then you walk away?

- Who are you?
- I'm Dr. Shirlee.

You're a doctor, huh?
What kind of doctor?

I'm a doctor of the heart.

Dr. Shirlee.
You're the radio shrink.

I had no idea Janice was
getting advice from a pro.

Dr. Shirlee, wow.
So, uh, oh --

Um, uh... thanks.

So what do I do?

Maybe you should try datin'
a different kind of woman...

someone whose insides look
better than their outsides.

Someone whose name begins with
"S" and ends with "E"?

- If you know someone named Sylvie.
- No.

- I know a guy named Shane.
- Ask him out.

I'd rather ask you out.
Friday night.

- It's a date.
- It is?

Excuse me. Moritz, hi.

Nice to see you, Jack.

I'll do the best I can, but it's
gonna be a half-hour wait.

- Do you think maybe --
- Dr. Shirlee. Well, well, well.

We're honored to have you here.

We have a beautiful table
for you, right this way.

Medium rare and very well done.

Thank you.

- So you're not from Chicago?
- No, I'm not from Chicago.

Compliments of the house.

- Is it gratis tonight?
- It is for you, Dr. Shirlee.

Just for me?
How come?

Well, because --

because you're Dr. Shirlee.

That's real nice,
but it doesn't seem fair...

for these other people who are
not Dr. Shirlee to be penalized.

I'll pay for a bottle of this
champagne for every table.

This is very expensive champagne.

Money's meant to be spent, right?

What good's it gonna do in
the bottom of my panty drawer?

It's $200 a bottle.

Bad idea. Just forget it.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome, sir.

That's more than
I used to make in a week.

- I thought shrinks were rich.
- Are they?

Not all of them,
at least not at first.

Why would you keep
your money in a drawer?

Aren't you afraid
somebody's gonna steal it?

I figure it's safer in my room
than in a bank these days.

If somebody's gonna steal it...

I'd rather it goes to
somebody that needs it...

than some vice-president
of a savings and loan.

What?

I just... love the way
you look at things.

You're really interested
in me, aren't you?

- Yes, I am.
- That's great.

Most men just want
to talk about themselves.

I want to know everything.
How did you lose your virginity?

You don't want to start with
"Where you from, how long
you been in town"?

If you want. Where you from?
How long you been in town?

- Under the bleachers.
- You're from under the bleachers?

No, that's where
I lost my virginity.

Our high school had just
lost the state championship...

and my boyfriend,
he was the tight end...

and it was the only way
I could make him feel better.

Who did you lose it to?

- My virginity?
- The state championship.

- To the Lamont Lions.
- Mmm.

How about you?
How'd you lose yours?

How's my star?

I thought I saw you
sitting over here.

I'm not interrupting
anything, am I?

Alan, this is my friend Jack.
Jack, this is Alan, my boss.

I don't think of myself
as just your boss.

I prefer to think of myself
as a friend and mentor.

I discovered Shirlee.

You make her sound like penicillin.

Funny guy.

Zim Zimmerman's sitting over there.

I'm gonna get you on his show.

Come over and win
a few points for us.

I thought I wasn't supposed
to give interviews.

- Yeah, I thought she wasn't
supposed to give interviews.
- How do you know?

I just heard her say so.

Excuse us.

Listen, I told Zim
you'd be a great guest.

I sort of went out on
a limb for you on this.

Don't saw it out from
underneath me please.

Well, this is where I live.

You are full of surprises.

- I had a great time.
- So did I.

In fact, I'm having
way too much fun.

What's wrong with that?
It's good, isn't it?

Not for me, Jack.

I have a bad track record with men.

I find men that want to
change me, hurt me, use me...

never just love me.

But what the heck. Records
are made to be broken, right?

We're ready, Dr. Kenyon.

Oh, God.
Okay, here we go.

Now remember...

undergraduate work,
University of Georgia.

Graduate studies,
you went to Stanford.

- You were tops in your class.
- I am not sayin' all that.

I'm not gonna lie.

You want to say you're
qualified to hand out advice...

based on being a three-time
loser dance instructor...

who's never even
been near a college?

Okay, you're nervous.
I see that now.

I went over all
the questions with him.

The only way to get in trouble
is if you deviate from the
responses I've given you...

or he puts down his clipboard,
which means he'll ask you
something we didn't discuss.

But he assured me
he's not gonna do that.

Which leads me to
the following, Dr. Shirlee.

You're aware of the furor...

You bastard!
You lyin' bastard!

- He said he wasn't gonna do that!
- We're working here!

What do you mean?

Specifically, how it
denigrates a profession...

exploits it for its
commercial ends.

Is that what you think?

Have you listened to my program?

Of course I have, but we're not
discussing my opinions here.

Why not?
It's your show.

Let's be straight.

The people you deal with
are total strangers.

You have little or no
knowledge of their history...

and yet you try and
solve their problems in
less than five minutes.

Don't you worry that
to give advice with
so little information...

can have serious repercussions?

People just give me a holler.

I tell 'em what I think
and hope it helps.

I don't know all the answers.
Do you, Zim?

Don't you think you can hurt?

Don't you worry that
you may give advice...

without enough knowledge
of the person --

I just tell the truth as I see it.

To my knowledge, the truth
has never caused any damage.

Pain sometimes, but not damage.

Very nice.

Very nice.

- Shut him up or get him out of here.
- Sorry.

Let's welcome my special guest...

renowned radio psychiatrist
Dr. David Erdman.

Welcome, Dr. Erdman.

Oh shit! Oh shit!

I'm glad to have a second opinion.

Let's start with...

what are you looking for
in a caller, Dr. Erdman?

I like a caller that fits my listeners'
demographic profile.

I like healthy callers
with healthy problems.

If their questions happen to
tie in with a tape I'm promoting...

so much the better.

No, seriously.

I'm here to help anyone
in my listening audience...

who wants to come to a deeper
understanding of themselves.

- Dr. Shirlee.
- What am I looking for in a caller?

- I'm looking for someone
that needs help.
- And?

And they have to eat
Froot Loops for breakfast.

And what? Someone with
a problem. Isn't that enough?

Let's proceed with what I feel
is the most interesting
part of the program.

Uh-oh.

We have a caller who has a problem.

We're gonna ask each of
our doctors to respond
to that problem...

in order to let you see...

the different approaches
to radio psychology.

Oh!

Hi, you're on the air.

- Can you hear me?
- Loud and clear, Joan.

This is Joan. She's 48.
She has a marital problem.

Please doctors,
in the interest of brevity...

keep your responses
to Joan's problem...

down to a minute.
Go ahead, Joan.

My husband's been
having an affair for a year...

and I found out about it
about six months ago.

I asked him to stop, but he won't.

I wrote a letter to
the woman he's seeing...

and asked her not to see him,
but she showed it to him.

Hey, will you get outta there?
What is he doing?

I'm so filled with anger toward him,
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- Dr. Erdman.
- Hold that shot.

- Joan, do you want a divorce?
- No.

Then I suggest that
you let sleeping dogs lie.

- What!
- You'll have your turn.

Joan, you do not hate your husband
for doing this. You hate yourself.

Give me one.

If you felt better
about yourself...

maybe your husband
would want to be with you.

It's her fault
her husband's cheatin'?

I'm simply suggesting
that she look to herself.

Maybe she's too demanding in bed.

You talk to your callers like that?

You should be disbarred
or derailed or whatever
they do to doctors.

Derailed?

Where did you receive
your training, Doctor?

- Where did I receive my training?
- Yes.

I'm a graduate of Harvard,
postgraduate studies at the
Sorbonne. Where did you train?

Where did I train?
I trained at Screw U.

You know who came up
with the expression
"Let sleeping dogs lie"?

A dog.

And, Joan, honey, you are
not going to change him.

You gotta live with it or end it.

Tinkle or get off the potty.
Either way, you'll start to
like yourself again.

Oh, yes, yes, yes!
Oh, Shirlee!

We love you!

She was so good!
Oh, God!

- You guys are great!
- We'll be right back.

This show is fantastic!

This is great.

She blew both of those guys away.
When can I get the story?

- So now you think it's a story.
- It's a story.

- How much have you got on her?
- Almost enough.

Get on it.

Nail her and fast, huh?

Shirlee, what's the matter?
Where you going?

Let's go back inside.
We didn't say good night to Zim.

Alan, I'm tired.
I want to go.

- You're the pink Mercedes.
- No, I'm not.

No, I'm Shirlee Kenyon.
I drive a pink Mercedes.

- I'm depressed.
- Oh, come on!

What are you talking about?
You should be on cloud nine.

You just buried
those two clowns in there.

That's great, but all
this "doctor" stuff...

and what Zim said about
what if somethin' happened?

Let's face it.
I'm not trained.

Maybe Dr. Erdman is a jerk...

- but at least he's been to school.
- Dr. Erdman!

Dr. Erdman knows about
as much as you do.

I ought a know. He was my shrink
for five years and look how sick I am!

Oh, come on, Shirlee, lighten up!

I'm not a doctor.

And I'm certainly
not my Mercedes...

so who am I?

I'm a Cadillac.

Dr. Shirlee, we have Sean on the line.
He's a sober alcoholic.

Shirlee, thanks for taking my call.

I've been sober for two years
and my wife is an alcoholic.

I don't know what to do.

If I stay around her
I could drink again and
she doesn't want to quit.

You got kids, Sean, or
is it just the two of you?

It's just us.

In that case, tell her you can't
be with her if she's drinkin'.

If she loves you enough,
she'll try to quit.

If she doesn't, you have to love
yourself enough to walk away.

Like my daddy always said...

a bird and a fish
can fall in love...

but where do they make a home?

I saw that!

My helper is makin' faces
at my choice of words.

But what I'm sayin' is true.
Sometimes the only way...

you can get somebody to change
their bad habits is to leave 'em.

And if they don't, at least
one of you's gotten out alive.

What's cookin', Gene?

You made quite an impression
last night, Shirlee...

and not just on Zim Zimmerman.

Mr. Perlman, sometimes
my mouth just runs off...

without checkin'
with my brain first.

- I didn't mean to offend him.
- No!

No, Shirlee.
A good impression.

The network called this morning.

They want to take you national.

Promotional tours,
ad campaigns, the works!

Listeners calling Dr. Shirlee
from coast-to-coast.

- How many people's that?
- Millions!

- Millions?
- You've got work, Alan.

I want a photo layout.
"People" magazine.

"Chicago's favorite
doctor at home."

At home?
I don't think --

Don't think, Alan.
Do it! Do it!

Spotlight's on it's shining bright

And I like standing in it

It's only superficial light

We'll take it just the way it is.

- Alan, I don't need a place this fancy.
- Really?

Maybe we should get Avedon
to do a photo shoot of you...

at the Hotel Roosevelt, at home.

I want to claim as mine

Fancy clothes, a magic coach
and happy ever after

- Like something from a storybook
- Get over there.

- A Cinderella chapter
- She's coming over.

But when the clock strikes midnight

And I lie awake in bed

These lines the teacher told me

Keep running through my head

You gotta walk
the straight and narrow

And to thine own self be true

You gotta aim straight as an arrow

A ll eyes are upon you

But sometimes it feels so good
that I can almost justify

Living a l-l-lie

Living a lie

Living a l-l-lie

Living a lie

Shirlee Kenyon? Hey, Steve,
do we know a Shirlee Kenyon?

Yeah. Who wants to know?

This guy down here.

How well do you know her?

I know her well.
I know her very, very well.

Huh. How did you meet her?

How did I meet who?

Shirlee Kenyon.

Well, my best friend
married her three times.

When he got done marrying her,
she moved in with me...

and I didn't even
have to marry her once.

- She married the same guy three times.
- Yeah.

- Why are you asking
all these questions?
- Credit check.

What'd you say your name was?

- Mack.
- Listen, Mack.

Do you give credit...

to people who steal
other people's bowling bags?

And I sacrificed my honor

My values and my pride

Living a l-l-lie

You don't by any chance
dance, do you?

Living a lie Living a lie

Living a lie

Ow! Watch
what you're doin', Jack.

Just look at me and stop
thinkin' about your feet.

- Where'd you learn all this?
- I used to teach.

- Oh, when?
- A long time ago.

- Where was that?
- What?

- Where?
- It was before I became a doctor.

- Loosen up, Jack. Just relax.
- Ohh!

- Did I ever tell you about my novel?
- No! Did you write a novel?

I had an idea for a novel.

I started talking about this book
I was gonna write.

The guys at the office would say,
"Jack, you started that book yet?"

One day I got so sick of
saying "no," I said "yes."

Then it was,
"Jack, how's the book coming?"
"It's coming along."

Then, "Have you finished
that book yet?"

One day I just said,
"Yes, it's finished."

Funny thing was,
I hadn't started it yet.

- I didn't mean to lie.
It just happened.
- What are you tryin' to do?

What are you tryin' to do?

The fox-trot, rock step? What?

- I'm just trying to dance.
- Well, just watch me!

Rock step, step.
Rock step, step.

Move those hips.
Move those hips!

Looking good.
Mmm! Ha!

I guess nothing like that
ever happened to you, huh?

- Like happened to me with the book?
- Jack, shut up and dance.

Outside! Ball three.

Nice shot.

The coach is walking to the mound,
not looking good for the doctor.

It may be a long trip
back to the bullpen.

- Put your index finger here.
Thumb on the outside.
- Okay.

She's winding up.
The form is looking good.

A little high and outside again.
Try again.

If you ever do write that novel,
what's it gonna be about?

- That was truly pitiful.
- Why, thank you.

I don't know. Despair? Greed?
Corruption? All my favorite things.

Why don't you write
about somethin' you love
instead of something you hate?

- Like what?
- Like baseball.

Write a book about baseball.

Just what the world needs,
another baseball novel.

Sure they do...
if it's great.

And I bet if you wrote it,
it would be.

I love when you talk sweet to me.

- You haven't even heard sweet yet.
- How long do I have to wait?

- Oh, we're gettin' closer.
- Hey, guys?

Oops. Game called
on account of cops.

It's late... and
this ain't no ballpark.

Can I see some I.D. please?

- We'll take a rain check, Jack.
- I'll pray for rain.

- I.D!
- Thank you, Officer...

for keeping Chicago safe
from flying lemons.

Whoop.

Whoop.

"Shirlee Kenyon."

Dr. Shirlee Kenyon?

It'll work out, Phil.
You call me.

I will. Thanks!

Okay. Good night.

Sorry. Phil's daughter, Carol...

- ran away twice in the last month.
- Good for her.

You wanna come up
and check out my carpet samples?

Is that a line?

Dusty rose, Christmas green,
or elephant gray?

Nah!

- We'll forget about the elephant gray.
- Great apartment.

Oh, thanks.

I was worried about takin' it,
paying all this rent and all.

But Alan says
my job's pretty secure.

It really is great.
The money, the car, this apartment.

But if my audience
gets tired of me...

I don't think losin' it
would just kill me.

So...

what do we decide?
The Dusty rose or
the Christmas green?

Carpet samples turn you on.

I tried everything else.

You probably think
you just heard the doorbell.
Trust me, you're hallucinating.

See, most women,
right after they kiss me,
tell me they hear a doorbell...

followed by
the faint scent of orchids.

- Do you smell the orchids yet?
- No.

Just the pungent aroma of bullshit.

Wait, wait! No one with any class
shows up unannounced.

- Ignore it.
- What if it's "The Millionaire"?

Did you ever see that show
where Michael Anthony...

shows up with a million dollars
from John Beresford Tipton?

But there's a catch.
You have to answer the door.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- Oh, Jack.

- You're a great kisser...
but a million dollars?
- You got a point.

Stay puckered.

Coming, Mr. Anthony.

Hello, baby.

Surprised to see me?

Wow, you're doin' very well.

Very, very well.

Steve, what are you doin' here?

I heard you made out,
so I thought I'd come by
and see for myself.

Went by that radio station
and told 'em I was...

your long-lost brother home from
the Navy just dying to surpr--

Who the hell is this?

- I'll leave you two alone.
- No, you don't.

- Jack, this is Steve. Steve, Jack.
- How you doin'?

- Don't I know you?
- No! No, I don't think so.

You never been to Arkansas?

- We better do this another time.
- Do what another time?

It's none of your business.

I don't like your attitude.

That's a big word for you,
attitude.

Why don't you just
give your mouth a rest?

Damn you, Steve!

Want me to throw him out?
'Cause I'll do it. Ow.

- I don't like you.
- Oh, really? Too bad.

- I was gonna ask if you want
to spend Thanksgiving together.
- Steve, get out!

I don't know why you're here...

or what you think,
but you can forget it, it's over!

Well, maybe yes and maybe no.
But it'll keep.

I know you.

I can't put my finger on it,
but believe me, it'll come to me.

Tell Shirlee...

I like the Dusty rose.

Wait a minute!

I do owe you something!

- Ow.
- Head back, head back.

- I was gonna kick his ass.
- I know.

Except I'm really more
of a lover than a fighter.

I can see that.

Ow, ow! Now see?
Ow, ow.

- Maybe we better make it another time.
- Yeah, maybe.

On the other hand --

We can... work around it.

- Want to come in?
- Before I do...

there's something
I should tell you.

You're gay?

No.

- Married?
- No.

Will it spoil the mood?

It might.

Will it keep?

Yes.

- Holy moley!
- Is that all you can say?

Ho-ly moley!

Holy moley!

Yeah. Yeah.

"If I died tomorrow,
I'd go with a smile.

Meet me at our
coffee shop at noon."

Couldn't wait 'til noon?

I just remembered
where I saw that guy.

I told him it'd come to me.

Milo?

Milo, you wanna see me?

We're putting the weekend edition
to bed. Where's my story?

- There is no story.
- What do you mean, there's no story?

Okay, there is a story,
but I'm not writing it.

Are you going funny on me?

- Milo, I'm sorry. I just can't do it.
- You know what I think?

I think maybe you like
this Dr. Shirlee a little
too much to tell the truth.

Is that it?
Let me tell you something.

A real reporter is
somebody who maybe cries
when he writes the story...

but he writes the story because
the public deserves to know.

What? What do
they deserve to know?

Every stupid fact
that comes a reporter's way?

Maybe sometimes the thing
to do is keep your mouth shut.

Some facts don't matter
to anyone except the person
you're telling them about.

Don't pull this on me.

What do you think?
I'm going to admire your backbone?

You think I'm gonna respect
you for standing up to me?

Let me tell you something.
I hate backbone!

I despise people
who stand up to me.

- Please, don't make me fire you.
- You won't have to fire me.

- Thanks. I'm glad.
- You won't have to fire me...

because I quit.

Three's about done,
another fifteen minutes.

- Hey, hey!
- What were you doin' in Flat River?

- And why were you askin'
questions about me?
- Flat River?

You talked to Steve.
He told me.

Give me a chance to explain.
Let's talk about it.

- All I want is an answer.
- It's not that simple.

- You're a reporter. You
were doin' a story on me.
- No.

Yes... I was but I'm not.

That's why you wanted
to spend time with me?
Be with me?

So you could get the dirt on me?
I thought you were different.

- I thought my luck had finally changed.
- Wait a minute, Shirl.

- You don't understand.
- You did a good job, Jack.

They say you shouldn't
take your work to bed.

- In this case, I guess they were wrong.
- Man!

Shirlee!

I didn't write the story, okay?
I quit my job over it.

- Why should I believe anything you say?
- It's the truth.

- Don't talk to me about the truth.
- Don't talk to you?

- Why? Because you are such an expert?
- You lied to me.

- You lied to the whole world.
- It's not the same.

I hate to burst your bubble...

- but of course it is the same.
- Good-bye, Jack.

- Now what are you gonna do?
- I never said I was too good
to take a bus.

Okay, Shirlee,
it all started, yes...

because I wanted
to get a story on you.

Then I began to care and...

Geez, Louise!
God, you can be so pigheaded!

Look.

No! Shirlee!

Burning to know you

Burning to show you

And I've felt this way
from the start

Burning with passion

I thought it was lasting

Now it's burning a hole in my heart

Here's Dr. Shirlee arriving to her
very first coast-to-coast broadcast.

A small but enthusiastic group of fans
has been waiting patiently...

to see their favorite
talk-show host.

Now they're showing
their appreciation.

Let's try to get her over here.

You shouldn't have
told him to leave!

- Who are you?
- You shouldn't have told
Sean to leave me.

Sean?

You destroy someone's life
and you don't even remember?

Sure! Sean was the
sober alcoholic and you
wouldn't quit drinkin'.

All you know is his side.

We got drunk together for years
and I took care of him.
I took care of everything.

Then he sobers up
and all of a sudden
he wants to be in charge.

He was so different it scared me.

I was afraid I was gonna lose him
so I got drunk a few times.

Like now.

But I was trying to get help
when he left with the kids.

- Did he tell you that?
- Lady, you got a problem,
call her on the show.

- Let's go.
- Just wait a minute!

He told me you didn't have kids.

You think everybody that calls
is telling nothing but the truth?

I thought -- Well, sure!
Why would they lie?

They're not talking to
a friend on the phone,
they're on the radio!

Of course they're not going
to tell you the whole truth.

You tell them what to do
and you don't even know
what's going on with 'em.

Are you gonna go?
Or do we have to move you?

I'm sober now.

And I am trying to get
my family back together.

I just thought
you should know, is all.

Great, well, thanks.
Can you believe that?

These whiny little people
thinking they can blame you
for their pathetic lives?

What a loser! Geez.

Hey, lady?

- Come on, guys!
- Look out, Mac.

Excuse us.

W-N-D-Y...

is proud to present Chicago's
foremost radio psychologist...

Dr. Shirlee!

"This is Dr. Shirlee and I want
to welcome our new listeners.

"I feel privileged to have you
listenin' in and I hope you'll call...

"because without you...

without you --"

I'm sorry.

I can't do this.

I just can't!

I've been lying to you.

I'm not a doctor.

In fact, my last job was teachin'
dancin' in a place called Flat River.

I've been lyin' to all you people.

I'm not qualified
to give you advice.

Maybe nobody is.

After talkin' to you two or
three minutes on the radio...

I'm givin' you advice based
on the version of the truth...

that you want me and
the listeners to hear.

Sean...

if you're out there,
Lord knows I hope you're listenin'.

If you left your wife
because I told you to...

well, you left
for the wrong reasons.

Never let anybody tell you
whether to stay or go...

whether to take this job
or that job...

whether to put up with
your mother or tell her off.

You know why?

Because it's your life.
It's gotta be your decision.

Maybe what's right for somebody
else, may not be right for you.

Sean...

Ann loves you.

Talk together.
Work it out together.

You decide what to do.

Lord, I've never come up
with a solution in my own life...

that wasn't worse than the problem
I had in the first place...

so who in the hell am
I to be tellin' you anything?

I can't do it anymore.

I'm done lyin' to you.

I thank you for listenin'.

This is Shirlee signing off.

I'm returnin' the car.
It goes with the job.

Wherever you're going,
you'll need a car.

Nobody needs a $60,000 car.

Anyway, I'm not really a Mercedes.

I'm just a plain old Pontiac.

Maybe a Chevy.

- So you haven't seen her?
- No sign of her, sir.

Go ahead. You're on.

- Hi, this is Debbie from Glen Oaks.
- Hi.

Maybe we could do something
to show Shirlee we care about her.

And what would that be?

- She was always talking about
honking your own horn.
- Yeah.

Maybe we could honk our
horns at, like, midnight.

Great! Great!

Honk your horns
for Shirlee at midnight!

There's no flight
anywhere near Flat River,
Arkansas, tonight at all?

Okay, yes, sorry. Thanks.

Hey, I thought you got fired.

Close. I quit.

Just making a phone call.
It was a toll-free number.

Don't jump!

- Don't jump. Don't jump!
- Not again.

Law of averages,
this time you'll kill me.

What are you doing here?

Wishin'.

Wishin' for what?

Wishin' I knew
what to wish for now.

You were right.

I'm just a dance teacher with some
cheap advice and easy answers.

No, I wasn't.

Not according to your listeners.

They've been calling
since you walked off.

Talking about how much they
love you, how you've helped them...

how the days and nights are
easier thanks to Shirlee's
laughter, Shirlee's wisdom.

It's you they need, Shirlee.

It doesn't matter if you're a
dance teacher or trapeze artist.

It doesn't matter! It's you.

What about Sean?
I could've wrecked his marriage!

Sean called right after you walked off.
He was gonna leave her anyway.

He just wanted somebody
to agree with him.

If it hadn't been you,
it would've been someone else.

What's that?

Stay right here.

It's 12:00...

and if you're not honking your horn
for Shirlee, you should be.

They're honkin' for me?

Perlman had this idea that
everybody who cared about you...

should honk their horns
at midnight.

Everybody who cares about me
is honkin' their horn?

Everybody who loves you
is honking their horn.

Shirlee...

what do you think about
the idea of a fresh start?

I'm sorry, Jack.

I just don't have another
fresh start left in me.

I'm sick of cornflakes.

Cornflakes?

I don't want to keep any more
cookies in the cookie jar.

Release the woman!

Release the woman and place
your hands on your head.

- What?
- They think you're tryin' to murder me.

Hands on head!

- They think you're tryin'
to push me off the bridge.
- Very funny.

Hey, Dr. Shirlee.
It's me, Phil, remember?

How's your daughter?

She's back in school and doing well
thanks to you, Dr. Shirlee.

- It's just Shirlee now.
- What?

I'm just Shirlee!

Gimme some straight talk
straight talk

And hold the sugar please

Straight talk, straight talk
sounds plenty sweet to me

Don't talk to me in circles
in some mumbo-jumbojive

Gimme just straight talk
and we're gonna be all right

-
- Hello, Shirlee here.
What can I do for you?

I feel women are
more evolved than men.

Maybe the world
is tougher for them.

But I know I'll be happier
as a woman.

I'm already a female inside.

I want to be one on the outside too,
so I'm getting the change.

I was wondering if
you had any advice for me.

Gary, if you're sure that's what
you really want, all I can say is...

don't try to perm your own hair...

and don't wear high heels
on a soggy lawn.

Shirlee here.
What's cooking?

Pick up the phone you're not alone

We've all got something to say

I is ten in and listen up
we'll find a better way

With honesty and common sense
it's really hard to miss

Straight talk, straight talk
just tell it like it is

Straight talk, straight talk
don't sugar-coat it please

Straight talk, straight talk
sounds sweet enough to me

Don't talk to me in circles
in some mumbo-jumbojive

Straight talk, straight talk
and we're gonna be all right

Straight talk, straight talk
makes plenty sense to me

Don't talk to me in circles
in some mumbo-jumbojive

Give me just straight talk
and we're gonna be all right

Give me just straight talk,
straight talk

And we're gonna

Be all right

I can see the light
of a clear blue morning

I can see the light
of a brand-new... day

Yes I can see the light

Of a clear blue morning

Everything's gonna be all right

Everything's gonna be all right

Everything's gonna be all right

It's gonna be okay

'Cause I can see the light

Of a clear blue morning

I can see the light
of a brand-new... day

I can see the light
of a clear blue morning

Everything's gonna be gonna be okay