Straight-Jacket (2004) - full transcript

♫ Every Tom, Dick and Harry
Don, Ted and Larry ♫

♫ Bill, Ted and Barry
Dan, Ed and Jerry ♫

♫ Ron, Dean and Perry
Ben, Stan and Terry ♫

♫ Now ♫

♫ I'm in a straight jacket ♫

♫ Call me crazy
Put me in a loony bin ♫

♫ I'll get committed
and then they'll have me in a ♫

♫ Straight jacket ♫

♫ I'm stuck and I can 't come out ♫

♫ And no one really knows
what I'm about ♫

♫ I'm in a straight jacket ♫



♫ Straight jacket ♫

♫ My hands are literally tied ♫

♫ To what I feel inside ♫

♫ My mind's telling me
to go one way ♫

♫ While my heart's goin' the other ♫

♫ I'm in a straight jacket ♫

♫ I know what I like ♫

♫ lt's every Tom, Dick and Mike ♫

♫ But I've got this problem ♫

♫ That I can't get away from ♫

♫ I'm in a straight jacket
and I'm gonna get out some day ♫

♫ Every Tom, Dick and Harry
Don, Phil and Larry ♫

♫ Bill, Ted and Barry
Dan, Ed and Jerry ♫

♫ Ron, Dean and Perry
Ben, Stan and Terry ♫



♫ Now ♫

♫ I'm in a straight jacket ♫

I'm sure Miss Hepburn
was just telling us

that we're number one.

To your left, the swinging pad
of America's most eligible bachelor,

movie star Guy Stone.

- We love you!
- Will you marry me?

Hi, Guy.

Did I wear you out last night?

That was incredible.

I mean, wow,

there's sex,
and then there's that!

I mean, it's like two people
sharing everything,

almost becoming
the same person, you know?

I'm sorry, I'm terrible with names.

It's Mike.

Remember? "What's your name?"
"Mike."

Oh, right, right.

Wow. I can't believe
I'm in bed with Guy Stone.

Although my friend Brian says
I could be in the movies, but I don't know.

For one thing, how do you remember
all those lines?

- I don't.
- Brian's really funny, actually.

He works at the May Company,
and he's in the tall and large department.

But he calls it the--
I forget,

but the "something, something" department.

Oh, I didn't realize it was so late.

- Good morning, Victor.
- Sir.

- Oh, wow.
- Oh, hello.

- And who is our young charge?
- Mike.

Care for breakfast, Mike? I can make
pancakes shaped like Mickey Mouse.

No, I gotta get to work.

But here's my number.
I hope you'll use it.

Oh, of course I will.

What do you think you are, some stranger
I just picked up off the street?

Well...bye.

At least I didn't have to tell him
how to get here.

And where do you think
you're going?

The vow says,
"Till death do us part."

Busy lady coming through.

You see that?

Who did that?

No one ever ruins takes
on my set but me!

You think that looks bad?

Imagine getting beaten up
by a girl.

Come on, sport.
You've got a meeting with Saul.

Hey, wing girl.

See you tonight, lover.

- I will?
- Oh, you two have a date.

Again? Cancel it.

Do you know how many men
would kill to go out with Betty Bright?

- You, for one.
- I am not a lesbian.

Yes, and Agnes Moorehead
is just a tomboy.

Hi, Guy.

- Seconds?
- Maybe tomorrow, cowboy.

Butch it up.

We're in public.

- Tonight I am gonna celebrate.
- Celebrate what?

Saul giving me Ben Hur.
That's what this is all about, isn't it?

Every actor on this lot
is after that part.

I know.
I feel badly for them.

Guy, things don't always
go your way.

Yes, they do.

No, what happens is,

I work around the clock like a dog,

without so much as
a thank you from you,

to make things go your way.

Either way,
the effect is the same.

Mr. Ornstein will be right with you.

He's, um...

He's taking his morning constitutional.

If this is about Ben Hur--

Hey.
Don't get excited.

Our position is,
we want a lot of money.

Because these "sandal" pics--
they just take forever to shoot.

Plus, moving to Italy would be a pain.
Both of which are true, by the way.

Right, so make sure I get
slave boy approval.

- Mr. Stone?
- Yeah?

It's Guy.

I know.

Um, can I tell you again how wonderful
you were in The Love Barrel?

Oh, please.

I always say, "Without my fans,
I'd be no better than they are."

No, I'm much more than a fan.

In fact, the other day, I was reading
that article in "Screen Idols Magazine:"

"Guy Stone's Perfect Woman Checklist,"

and I realized that I had everything
you were looking for, except one.

That one's usually the deal breaker.

Yuval Reissman died.
That's too bad.

You always go straight for the obituaries.

That's the only part of the trades
I can read without getting jealous.

Guy.

- How's my box office champ?
- Fabu--

Good-u-Ious.

You're my lone reason for living.
No pressure.

Do you need me for anything,
Mr. Ornstein?

Just this.

Oh!

Charming.

Hey, I gotta get it somewhere.

Bernice gave herself to me
exactly once, on the honeymoon,

then told me, "That's the last time
I screw you until the divorce."

- So...it's true.
- Hi, Freddie.

- Stevens, always a pleasure.
- What is?

- Boning me?
- Hey, lighter boy.

You said if I did one more
Captain Astro, you'd give me Ben Hur.

Calm down.
He hasn't offered the part to anyone.

- You haven't?
- Of course not.

Oh, 'cause I was just sayin' "hi."

Hi, Stevens.
Stone, you wanna play Ben Hur?

Would I?
Maybe.

Saul, I'm perfect for the part.

- I'm even Italian.
- Your real name is Moshe Finklestein.

It's Sicilian.

Sorry, Moshe,
this is for all of my marbles,

and, frankly, you got
too many liabilities.

Is this about the reefer incident?

I had no idea
that was marijuana,

or I never would have let
those kids buy it off me.

That's ancient history.

This town is crawling with
commie-sniffing G-men,

and word is,
you're redder than an Indian's balls.

Me?

Saul.

No way!
I'm a card-carrying American.

And you can take that to the bank.

- Well, I joined the party, sure.
- You can keep this.

It's the only time your name
will ever appear above John Garfield's.

It was strictly to meet
nympho-commie chicks.

Which I've already paid my debt for,
because...woof.

The part is Guy's.

_ Ye--
- Whoa! Whoa!

Slow down. Slow down.
Naturally, we're honored.

I get to be Ben Hur!

I was spying.
Congratulations!

- I get to be Ben Hurl
- It would really depend on the number.

I get to be Ben Hur!

- And we did, uh--
- I get to be Ben Hurl

I get to be Ben Hur!
I get to be Ben Hur!

I'm fine.

How's about 50 sound?

There isn 't any butter on this,
is there?

There hasn't been a stick of butter
in this house

since you dragged
that trainee milkman upstairs.

- Hello?
- Is that Jerry?

- Or birds cooing.
- In here, ma'am.

You know I hate it
when you call me that.

I find it a stretch, myself.

- Jerry, why are you--
- Dressed so nice?

Here.

You said you wanted
to celebrate Ben Hur.

Oh. I completely forgot.
I have a thing.

He's going to The Avenue to meet
a sales clerk or maybe a waiter.

As long as he's not keeping
any of my secrets,

one of his balls was blown off.

- Guy, you--
- Have to stop going there.

- You do. You're--

- Too famous now.
- You are.

What's the point of being famous

if you can't use it to get laid?

What are we going to do with him?

Sir, your one true spiritual,
intellectual, and physical match

will not be loitering around
some gay bar.

He's much harder to find.

Tell me about it.
And I need five or six of them a week.

I used to think like him.

Then, when I was overseas,

I met Timothy.

Your company cook.

Somehow ,I can't picture you
in the Army.

Okay, go on.

Timothy shared my passion
for opera...

cooking...

uniforms.

He showed me that true love
really does exist...

even if, tragically,

it was not meant to be
for the two of us.

Was he killed?

He got fat.

Oh, God!

Hey, baby, you wanna--

Oh, never mind.

Evening, Viola.
How's business?

Three so far today.

Amateur.

- What's the password?
- Scarecrow.

Jeff...Bill.

Jeff.

Tony.

Other Jeff.

Guy, Guy, Guy.

- Cape Cod?
- You know me too well.

So who's the lucky winner tonight?

Troy! Hi.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding!

I thought you liked 'em
young, dumb, and blond?

Well, variety is the spice of life.

Hi.

So, uh, what's your name?

- Jeff.
- That's gonna be a problem.

Hello, police?

I'm near a bar at the corner
of Hyperion and Rowena.

Perverts are swarming the place,
and I'm worried for our children.

Fine, then I'm worried for our hookers.
You comin' or not?

Hey, baby.
You want a date?

- No, but I'll take a blow job.
- I'll take a 10.

-5.
-10.

- 8.50.
- 10.

- 9.25.
- 10.

Okay.

Really? A sales clerk?

I tried to be a veterinarian,

but they only hire people
that went to college for it.

- Is he smart yet?
- Just keep 'em comin'.

Yes, Mommy!

- Please stop.
- Not till they're gone.

Okay, they're gone.

Being a movie star
is kind of interesting too.

- Beat it, you whore!
- Excuse me?

Police! Everybody freeze!

Hey, you! Freeze!

Hold that. Smile!

Terrible lighting for me.

Oh, yes, Guy, that's why we're
all so concerned.

Like your office building?

It's fine.
For God's sake, why?

Because next year, this whole lot
will be nothing but new ones.

Okay, here's why this is good--

This is good. "The Herald"
goes to press in two hours.

With what? It's not like
he's naked in a man's arms.

Yeah, well, they got a record.
You play along with it.

Oh, a C-note wipes that out.

And "The Herald"?
Well, you just trade 'em something better.

For instance?

For instance...

You tell 'em...

Betty Bright
is addicted to smack.

Is that true?

Well, it will be
once this kills her career.

And Guy will have learned
his lesson,

which means he won't be making
the same mistake

when he is doing Ben Hur.

He is not doing Ben Hur.

Excuse me?

I'm not going to sink
1.05 million dollars in a vehicle

for the new Miss America.

They look alike.

You know, Guy,
if my career were over--

Wait a second.

You're my only real client.

My career is over!

- You'll think of something this time.
- Not this time.

- It's different.
- It is.

I couldn't help you right now if...

Told ya.

- What if he got married?
- Married? But he's a--

America's most eligible bachelor.

Now, you know "The Herald"
will take that trade.

Plus, it'll KO. any gay talk
with one punch.

Wait, slow down.

First of all, marry who?

Because I promise you,
any two-bit starlet will stab us in the back.

Fruit?

I'll just leave this right here.

- Hi, Guy.
- Hey, kiddo.

”Kiddo! ”

Well, she is honest.

- She's trustworthy.
- Exactly.

She's not that kind of girl.

- Why does she have to be in on it?
- What?

She's obviously crazy about you.

Maybe, but Jerry--

Definitely!
Hell, she would say yes

if he asked her right now.

- Deal.
- What?

Stone marries her tonight,
and he can keep Ben Hur.

If not, you'll let me
out of his contract.

Sally, get in here.

"Right now" is an expression.

Yeah, so is "Homo star
arrested in perv palace."

Uh, Jerry.

- What?
- This!

You picked a hell of a time
to start noticing that about people.

Plus which, I'd have to play along.

Can you imagine day after day
of listening to an endless stream

of superficial blather?

It's your job.

Plus which, so is protecting me
from these sort of things.

Oh! Oh, Guy, that is really
an excellent point.

You know, if I could just
elaborate on that a little bit.

You grow the hell up,

and you make this work,
do you understand?

I did not build
an A+ movie career

out of a smile and a head of hair

just to have you smash it to bits
with your prick!

But you're not a lesbian.

He does?
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!

You wanted to see me?

Oh, Sally.

Guy has something
he needs to ask you.

Quickly.

What is it?

Nothing. Sit down.

Really?

I just thought we should talk.

What could I possibly
have to say that would interest you?

I have no idea.

- What do you do for fun?
- Watch Guy Stone movies.

Really? Me too.

Oh, and I'm taking an acting class
from the prestigious Tom Hertz.

- Ah, sure. Tom.
- You take from him?

Sometimes I'm the student,
sometimes I'm the teacher.

So, you wanna be an actress?

Oh, gosh, no.
Actresses are whores.

But you're not--
a whore, I mean!

Not an actress. Wait.
You're not that either.

Listen to me.

You call me in here,
and I'm doin' all the talking.

From here on out,
just think of my mouth as a third ear.

- Listen--
- Okay.

I'm just gonna come clean.

I love you!

- You love me?
- From the day we met.

— July 16, 1953.
— Right.

- At the commissary.
- Right.

You had the cold cut plate with the...

- Guy Stone loves me.
- Surely you suspected?

No! I always fantasized,
but honestly, before today,

I didn't even think
you knew I existed.

How can you say that?

Whenever you come see Mr. Ornstein,
you just walk right by me without looking.

- It hurts too much.
- You don't even say "hi" on the phone.

I'm afraid I'll say, "I love you."

And you can never remember
my name.

- Don't be silly.
- Sally.

I was going to say it slowly

and savor it.

Oh, Guy. I love you too.
I always have.

So marry me.

- You're proposing?
- Oh, please, say yes.

Or don't you really love me
after all?

No! I mean, yes!

It's just--
We've never even been on a date.

Hasn't every one of my movies
been a sort of date?

You've fought wars with me.
You've been to Europe with me.

You've...coached a chimp quarterback
with me.

How many more dates do we need

to confirm what we both
already know so well?

This is just like in
I Married the Ghost,

where you asked the countess to marry you
from right there on the gallows!

- That's exactly how I feel right now.
- Me too.

Oh, Sally!

- Yeah?
- Be my husband!

Wife!

Son of a bitch.

There ought to be a law
against driving that drunk.

- Come on.
- Do we have to do this tonight?

- I always wanted a big wedding.
- His love won't wait.

- What she said.
- Look, flowers!

...to be your lawfully wedded husband.

To love, honour and obey
so long as you both may live?

I do.

And do you...

Guy.

Oh, hey, Brent!

Guy!

He's fine. Come on!

I can change him.

...no longer the swinging pad

of America's most happily married
ex-bachelor,

movie star Guy Stone!

We love you, Guy!

Ahh!

Did I scare you, my darling husband?

Your what?

I know.
I can't believe it either.

I keep pinching myself
to see if I'm dreaming.

Any luck?

Look, we're even in the paper.

"Guy Stone marries ordinary nobody."

When was this picture taken?

Last night.
Don't you remember?

Snippets.

I'll never forget a single moment
of the entire evening,

especially that last part.

You made me a woman, Guy.

I did?

It was so wonderful.
And you want to know why?

Because I waited
25 years for it.

Then that is just the schedule
we're gonna stick to.

Now, up, up, up, fast,
like a bunny.

- What time is it?
- It's almost 7:00, Mr. Lazybones.

Whoa, whoa, wait.
Where you goin'?

- Hi, Guy.
- Hi, Gordon.

- You know the Salvation Army man?
- I do a lot of charity work.

Thanks a lot.

- Where is he taking that?
- Who cares? It's just junk.

I tried reasoning with her, but the woman
is impervious to droll remarks.

I'm redoing the entire house
from top to bottom!

Without discussing it?

Men don't know anything
about decorating.

The trash.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Man.
I don't think it's cocktail hour.

Five.

Picture ceramic elephants!

You can't get out of the marriage.

Jerryl

She is destroying my house, Jerry.

She's giving away my things,
and she's always hovering

with a tray of God-awful lemonade.

Your Ben Hur contract stipulates
12 months of matrimony.

I'm not going to make it, Jerry.

When we're at home...

she takes advantage.

You slept with her?
What was it like?

Terrible!

She's a total bottom.
Just, at least, book me a picture.

Well, they sent this awful
coal mining thing, but--

Honestly.

- Why don 't you just wait until Ben Hur?
- I'll take it.

Saul will be thrilled.

- It starts Monday.
- Monday?

Look, what can I tell you, sport?

You made your bed,
now lie on it.

- Aren't you hungry?
- Oh, it's just so...

rich.

Good food sticks to your ribs.

I'm guessin' this would stick
to anything.

I thought I'd best serve this
before it floats away.

Boy, doesn't that look good?

It's my mother's recipe.

She always said,
"A fat husband can't get far."

She sounds like
an amusing creature.

So I was thinking that

after dinner, I might go get a drink.

Oh, all right.

Let me take a bath,
fix my hair, and buy a wrap.

Don't go to all that trouble.
I'll just go alone.

It's no trouble at all.
A couple or three hours.

Yeah, well, actually,
I'd prefer to go alone.

Well, I won't be here
when you get back.

That'd be super.

So, um...

I'll see you tomorrow?

My mother warned me
about you.

She said Hollywood types were evil,

and that you'd stay out
all night womanizing.

But I told her, "No, not Guy Stone."

And you couldn't have been
more right.

Apparently, I could.

When a husband is not
working or hunting,

he's home
with his wife and family.

Otherwise,
this is no marriage at all.

And I won't just go
through the motions.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I'll stay home.

You will?

His wife and what?

Do you need anything else
before I retire? Good night.

- Is she still up?
- I don't know, sir.

She is. I can sense it.

Waiting for me, like a...

panther.

You know, all those times I encouraged you
to settle down with someone,

I imagined certain things
would go unsaid.

It's an arrangement.

It seems a bit
mean-spirited to me.

Subjecting an innocent young woman
to emotional cruelty.

- She gets to live in Beverly Hills.
- I was referring to myself.

But since you brought it up,

I think the person in all this
that you are being least fair to is you, sir.

Honey, are you coming to bed?

Actually, Victor, there is one last thing
I need you to do for me.

Betty tries to go,
but Flint grabs her arm.

"You're the only nurse in a hundred miles,
and you're just gonna walk away?

I knew working women were cold,

but, lady, you take the cake."

He strikes her.

"You think I want to go?

I love the miners
like a mother loves her children.

But my husband forbids it."

"Well, of course, that's different."

"Well, the vow does say
''love, honor and obey."'

It does?

- Sally!
- Sears came!

Ahh!

Are you sure you're all right?

You took quite a fall
into that ceramic elephant.

No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Sit down.

So if we're gonna be married,
I have a few rules.

Of course you do.

- You wear the pants in this house.
- That's true, generally speaking.

And rule number one is,
no snooping.

No snooping?

I will not truck the sort of wife
who's always rooting around

through her husband's
bedside table drawers

or the crumpled paper bags
behind his suits.

- That's a sort of wife?
- Not in my house.

Okay.

Now, why don't you...

come to bed, and you can tell me
the rest of your rules from here?

Because of rule number two.

Separate beds.

In fact, separate rooms.

But why?

I just think a man and woman
sleeping together is ungodly.

- Even once they're married?
- I'm deeply religious.

Then tomorrow morning,
we should go to the sunrise service.

Which is not to say a fanatic.

Well, I hope that we can
at least share a bed

- when we're making babies.
- Absolutely.

Rule number three, no babies.

But, honey...

The Russians have the bomb.

I will not bring new life
into a world that's about to end.

But I love children.

Do you love watching them melt?

I don't know what you expect me
to do with all my time.

Well, you have your job.

Wives don't work.

You can't leave Saul in the lurch.

At least finish out the century.

I guess the vow does say,
"love, honor and obey."

Yes, it does.

I guess I'll just go sleep
in the nursery.

'Night.

Women need a better agent.

I Talk about it
Talk about it I

♫ - Uh-uh
- Talk about it, talk about it I

♫ - Better not
- Talk about it, talk about it I

♫ - Mm-mm.
- Talk about it, talk about it I

Sally, I love your necklace.

Thank you, Bernice.

Gee, how long have you...
enjoyed soup?

I Are there some secrets
that we don 't want the others to know I

Don't worry about your wife, Torch.
I've always loved her.

Surprise!

This is the best thing
that ever happened to us.

Your image is totally changing.

Yesterday, got a call
from John Ford.

John Ford?

Here.
I know.

- I mean, who is that?
- Hercules, the director.

The old vote was 11 yea, 16 nay.

But the new one is 5 to 2.

Looks like you win, Greid.

All my pro-union boys just happened
to be in South Tunnel

when it collapsed.

Why?

Damn accident cost me half a day.
Now sign.

Don't do it, Mr. Upwright!

Goodman, you're alive!

- Yes, most fortunate.
- Surprised to see me, Greid?

Well, it takes more than
200 tons of coal

to crush the workers' spirit!

Recognize this?

Go ahead, call the cops.

We rich types got Uncle Sam
in our back pocket.

Well, he better crawl out of there
before his nieces and nephews

go looking for a new uncle.

And give up
their precious freedom?

Know why they call it freedom?

Because nobody's free!

And that's dumb.

Cut!

Who said that?

on my set but me!

Or Saul.

Come on. I'll show you that tattoo.

Well, if we're breaking,
maybe I'll run lines with those two extras.

Blood Mine is wrapped for the day.

- I better go tell those two extras.
- I'm shutting this picture down.

Why?

Because I've got red, hungry G-men

crawling all over the lot.

And it's too "lefty."

Apparently, somebody tipped
the feds off I'm Latvian

in their secret testimony
last Thursday at 4:00.

Does it still hurt?

They said I'd never work again.

- I had to save myself.
- By fingering your boss?

It's all a blur.

I'd better go break the bad news
to those two extras.

If you scrap the picture,
Guy still gets paid.

Nobody is scrapping anything.

We just need to purge the script
of all the Communist hooey.

It's not Communist.

It's humanist.

Yeah, well, the feds get wind of it,

they'll ship me back
to "humanist”Russian.

- Who's this?
- I'm Rick Foster.

I wrote "Blood Mine."

Rosenthal wrote 'Blood Mine"

back when he was employed here.

- I wrote the novel.
- What?

Sally somebody called me
to come down.

I'm sorry you wasted--

- Go play with those two extras.
- Tell the Valley I said hi.

Maybe we can get Mr. Foster here
to make the changes.

After all, we can always use
a fresh set of green eyes.

- We need a screenwriter.
- I don't want the job anyway.

What do you mean?
This is a major motion picture.

- This is a major piece of crap.
- Nobody says no to me.

I'll ruin you! You'll never
work in pictures again.

- I don't want to work in pictures.
- Yeah? Well, you're gonna!

I'm gonna leave now
while you still sound insane.

He'll only get someone bad.

This way,
you can protect your book.

You got two weeks. Make that one.
I'll need a week to read it.

You can pass the time
shooting the next Captain Astro.

Saul, I'm an Oscar-winning director.

I remember. That's the one speech
where you didn't name me.

Guy, we have a lunch.

Great. Jerry, get the door.

Why don't you
come by the house later?

You can show me
some of your material.

I'm making a mistake.

So are you.
You've got a good thing going here.

Jerry, I'm a happily married man,
but since you brought it up--

- You don't think that he's--?
- No.

Then again,
you don't think you are either.

♫ You cast a spell on me I

♫ l was blind, but now I see I

♫ You work your magic,
that's the key I

♫ You wave your wand ♫

I And cast a spell on me I

I Not sure if you hypnotize me I

♫ Maybe just mesmerize me I

You're so healthy.

Well, my body is my temple.

Wow, you're certainly rolling out
the red carpet.

You have to with writers.

They rule Hollywood.

Now, you mustn't be late
for Bernice.

I hate her stupid women's group.

Barbara Stanwyck is such a bully.
And that Edith Head...

just stares at me.

Can't I just stay and watch you work?

You really wouldn't understand
what we were doing.

But I'll tell you all about it when you get
back no earlier than midnight.

Well, have fun.

Honey, it has to last me
the whole night.

Mr. Rick Foster.

Va-va-voom.

I could die.

But it's legal.

I was just about
to call the cops.

Honey, this is Rick Foster,
the writer.

Rick, this is--

Sally Stone.

Sally Stone. Sally Stone.
Sally Stone.

- I could say it a million times.
- In the car.

She's...

certainly in love.

That was mostly for your benefit,
I'm afraid.

At this point, we're little more
than glorified roommates.

You've been married,
what, three weeks?

And two days.
Would you like something to drink?

A splash of Meet?

Got a beer?

Probably.

- Would you like a glass?
- Please.

- Oh, damn.
- What?

Spilled on my new shirt.

Actually, it looks like you got lucky there.

That was still too close
for comfort.

Hey, you're reading my book.

Yeah, yeah, um...

I think it's really sweet
how you dedicated it to your mother.

Well, she really encouraged me.

My whole life, she's been more
like a best friend than a mom.

I think Judy Garland's great,
don't you?

Am I made of stone?

You know, we're friends.

Really?

Hey, do you mind
if I turn on the game?

The what?

The Orioles play tonight.
My home team.

I don't really follow football.

Baseball, sir.

You know...

you could just ask.

Ask what?

If I'm gay.

Are you gay?

- I'm gay.
- I'm gay.

- Really?
- Hey, I act plenty straight.

- I even have a wife.
- Yeah, what is that all about?

- It's Hollywood.
- That supposed to mean something?

We're getting offtrack here.
We're both gay.

- Custom dictates we have sex now.
- Okay.

I was joking.

I don't get it.

Look, I came here to work.

Are you sure you're gay?

And what makes you think
you're even my type?

I'm everybody's type.

I can't believe
you actually said that.

That's not vanity.
That's professional pride.

It's my job to make every man,
woman, and child in America

love me to pieces.

And I am good at what I do.

So I hear.

Listen, I got a couple questions,
then I'll get out of your hair.

First of all, this screenplay
turns my book

into a ham-fisted melodrama,
which I can fix,

but I just got this memo from Saul
with all these changes he wants.

I'm sure they're not so bad.

"Number three,
eliminate all references to labour unions."

So?

Did you read my book?

- I'm reading it.
- Where are you?

Dedication.

It's the story of coal miners
struggling to unionize.

I take that out, and all that's left

is the romance between you
and the shop girl,

who he wants to make a countess.

So you leave all the labour stuff in,

and you change the word "union"
to "league" or "guild" or something.

Are you stupid enough to fall for that?

Oh, wait, I forgot where I am.

- You're kind of a hypocrite.
- Me? You're the one with a wife.

That's right.
Fans want me straight,

so I can either be straight
or go into another line,

just like you can either consider yourself
above Hollywood, or take our money.

I didn't want this job.
You're the one that talked me into it.

I said two sentences.

If you're that much of a pushover,
we should be having sex right now.

I need some air.

- Do you require anything else?
- You, gone.

Va-va-voom.

- Nice life you got going here.
- I suppose so.

But the truth is,
I'd give it up in a heartbeat

for something even more lavish.

It's okay to laugh, you know.

You're like a lesbian
trapped in a gay man's body.

There's a start.

Yeah, it's also okay
to take things seriously.

Sally plants these.

Does she know...

that it's "Hollywood"?

I hope so.

I tell myself things about that too.

Lately, I like, "Well, she fell in love
with me playing roles,

so this must be
what she really wants."

That's...sort of true.

Best ones are.

I don't understand this place.

Someone once said
that only a few people

could hold the entire equation
of pictures in their head.

F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Guess that kid in the car wash
men's room was a big reader.

You are everything
that I make fun of.

I know.

This must be hell for you.

I should get back to the real world.

Where you going?

I thought maybe we could...

I don't mess around
on the first date.

Are you sure you're gay?

Wow.

Yeah, kid. I remember being
on my first Hollywood set.

You guys make a bunch of junk.

My pa-in-law had a saying:

At S.R.O., we might not have
the big budgets of the other guys...

Hey, what's with the blue light?

That means we're filming.

Used to be red,
but I had them change it.

I didn't want people
to get the wrong idea.

I support everything
you McCarthy boys are doing.

- I'm not with McCarthy.
- Good. That grandstanding opportunist.

You know his whole thing

of working people up about
"Hollywood Reds" so he can show off,

dragging some headline-grabbing names
through the mud?

- "A tragic, dark day."
- That was mine.

Hats off.

I have too many highballs
one night at some party,

start shooting my mouth off
like an idiot.

You could actually see Joe's ears prick up,
and now look at him.

Only I'm not giving up without a fight.

- I just need something big to compete.
- Sure, a show stopper.

- A set-piece. I get ya.
- Right. Like shutting down a whole studio.

Whoa, Ray, no, no, no!

That's way too big.

You gotta build to that slowly.

Otherwise, you never top yourself.

Then how about you fork over
some big, fat red star

that I can grill on my own TV inquest?

Ray, at S.R.O., we're like a family.

- You have a phone in there I can use?
- Not a close family.

What the hell is this?

I figure, they're on a spaceship.
The computer would be small.

Captain Astro lives in the year 1996,
not 4 billion A.D., dumb nuts.

Let's get this over with,

unless the Good Lord
would do me the favour

of dropping a klieg light on top of me.

- Sorry.
- He did that intentionally.

No kidding, Oscar boy.

Around here, we happen to take
Captain Astro pretty seriously.

I'm sure that's just the reefer talking.

Hey, I haven't had a hit since 1947.

Which makes two of us.

Enjoy TV.

So, Wanda straps you in the proton chair,

facing. . . Lizardo.

I get it.

Does any part of him move?
Of course not.

Then you say...

Lizardo knows lots.

Knows all--
Close enough.

Then Lizardo says--

Is the mouth effect working?

Oh, yeah, it's swell.
It scared the heck out of my mother.

Lizardo says...

We eat children.

Jesus!

- Just like mother's wig.
- The flames are supposed to lick.

Yeah, well, the doohickey fritzed out.

That should do it.

Very good.
Places, people.

- Don't you want to do a test?
- I'm good.

Are you?

I'm good too.

And...

Turns out you slept
with a friend of mine. Jason?

I've slept with a lot of Jasons.

Jason Clodfelter?

I've slept with a lot of Jason Clodfelters.

- Finished, sir?
- Yes.

It's Rick.

No, let him call you sir.

Otherwise, he blows his paycheck
on escorts.

Victor, you're from Georgia, right?

If your intention is to comment
on the irony

that my forebears held slaves
while I now am one, I've heard it.

No, I was more curious what a native
thought of Flannery O'Connor.

I'm sorry, did I--

No, it's just that, as a rule,

Mr. Stone's little friends
don't speak of books

unless they want to colour.

Must be something around here
that needs cleaning.

Not like in the old days. Coffee?

Can you excuse me for a sec?

You know he'll never be able
to cook like me.

And who knows how he'll let you
leave the house looking.

Victor, I'm already married.

Besides, I think today is it for us.

Don't tell me you're seriously--

I'm just not built for this.

I mean, approaching guys I know.

I have an objective--
to sleep with them.

A motivation-- I'm horny.
But with Rick--

Sir...

If I may...

Mr. Foster is a man of much higher caliber
than you deserve.

If I were you, I'd stop worrying
about how to cut him loose,

and I'd start worrying
about how to keep him.

Because letting him go will be a mistake
that will haunt you

until your miserable,
lonely, alcohol-soaked death.

Coffee would be fine.

Right away.

I got lost.

There's one in the cabana.
You want to go for a swim?

I want to show you my backyard.

My fault.

- Help me!
- Get away!

I'm burningl

Stupid, god-damned--

You want to keep looking?

Very cozy.

It used to be a dell.

My place used to be
a couple of farms.

What's with the costume?

In the real world,
they're called uniforms.

- You're a mailman?
- What's wrong with that?

In order for a society to work,

all its people have to labour
for a common good.

You sound like a Communist.

- I am a Communist.
- Really? Me too.

Guy, Communism is a reaction to you.

Yeah, I found out.
Where do they get off calling it a party?

Those are nothing.

When I was young,

I use to give them
to my boyfriends

when things got serious.

When you were young?

Don't worry, I stopped.
You just get 'em back.

I used to give out coffee mugs,
but it got too expensive.

I got another memo from Saul today.

"League" is out. I'm trying "coalition."

- Well, do I still get the countess?
- Shop girl. And yes.

Then we're fine.

Give people a cute romance,
and they're happy.

Art can be so much more than cute.
Art can change the world. I'm serious.

An idea or an image
presented exactly the right way

can alter someone forever.

Saul has a saying--
"If you have a message, you're fired."

Saul treats the audience like morons.

- They don't seem to mind.
- Because they don't know any better.

Movies are the biggest soapbox ever built,

but everyone on it's too concerned
about money or their tan.

Rick, we 're different

We knew that going in.
So why is this suddenly such a problem?

Because...

I love you.

I shouldn't have said that.
Forget it.

I'm just not built for this--

Someone regular.

Just shut up. Okay?

And I love you too.

What the hell?

It's Guy's birthday present.

They're oodles of fun at parties.
I needed someplace to hide it.

A lot full of empty stages,
and you pick here?

This is just
where they delivered it.

I was gonna move it myself,

but it was too heavy

on account of I had it done in walnut,

because that's more masculine.

Do you suppose Guy will like it?

Will Guy like a masculine organ?
I think that's a safe bet.

Mr. Ornstein,

after you've been married for a while,
how do you...

How do you keep it exciting?

You don't.

I could never believe that,
not where there's love.

But lately...

Well, I hate to be blunt, but...

how do I get Guy
in the mood for...closeness?

Believe me, Sal, it's not you.

Look at me go on and on.

The simple fact is,
my life is a dream come true.

Do you want to hear me play?

- Not even a little.
- Just to see what I remember.

♫ Two kinds of love ♫

♫ We’re in two kinds of love ♫

♫ l have feelings for you ♫

♫ I’ll spend all my days with you ♫

♫ Two kinds of love ♫

♫ We’re in two kinds of love ♫

♫ Even though now it seems ♫

♫ You’re feeling no love for me ♫

♫ Still, I hope deep inside you'll change ♫

♫ And I still fantasize a way ♫

♫ For us to go on ♫

♫ In spite of two kinds of love ♫

♫ You’re never around ♫

♫ You’re nowhere to be found ♫

♫ Is it something I said? ♫

♫ Or am I being misled? ♫

♫ Still, I hope deep inside you’ll change ♫

♫ And I still fantasize a way ♫

♫ For us to go on ♫

♫ In spite of two kinds of love ♫

♫ Two kinds of love ♫

Oy vey, what did I eat?

Nice.

Mr. Ornstein's on the...phone.

When he gets off,

why don’t you tell him that Freddie Stevens
heard about his little trade?

And I'm not going to take it lying down.

You tell him, mess with Freddie Stevens,
and I'll bury him!

Freddie's not gonna to take it.

Actually, make that,
Freddie Stevens stopped by.

Okay. I'll let him know.

So I guess you got...

a pretty sweet setup here, huh?

Nice clothes, big house,

your mug on all the magazine covers.

I like to think of myself

as an ordinary wife
of an extraordinary husband.

Oh, like him.

Save it for the lady reporters.

Whatever Stone's giving you,
I'll pay you double.

- Unless it's really a lot.
- Pay me?

- To go public.
- You're confusing me.

Fine, just name your price.

But be a mensch.
November was a bear.

I let Guy handle our money.
Let's call him.

You want to knock off
the innocent act, doll?

We both know your husband’s
a big honking queer!

And your marriage is...

Guy a homosexual? Please.

He lifts weights constantly!
I’m going to go get him.

- Don't tell me you're not in on it.
- In on what?

Sure. Why trust you
to sit on something like this?

There's nothing for me to sit on.

Of course there's not.
You're husband's a fairy.

Deep down inside, you know it's true.

Or have your nylons just been
stretching themselves out?

I don't know what you're talking about.

And. . . action.

How can they call this a mine
when everything is theirs!

Guy a homosexual.

Okay.

That was the best sex
I have ever had in my life.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

Hey, save your strength.

We still haven't done it in the commissary,
the castle tower, and Saul's office.

And Blood Mine wraps in three days.

Yeah, it does.

I shouldn't even have said that.
Come here.

Guy?

And that’s when I say,
keep your mitts off my gal!

Hey, Jerry.

We were just rehearsing the fight scene.

Yes, the fight scene.

Absolutely.

Jerry.

Do you have any idea
how stupid this is?

Right under her nose, too.

She's gone home.
Everyone has.

- Hola, Guy.
- Hector.

Okay, occasional sex
we can work around,

but seeing somebody
on a regular basis?

You're saying
he can never fall in love?

- I don 't make the rules.
- But you do.

We all do, by the example
that we set.

Okay, can l just say that’s beautiful?

And retarded!

Maybe, 50 years from now,
a gay actor will be no big deal,

but I'm not about to sacrifice Guy
to some cause.

Of course not.
What's 10% of that?

Rick, Jerry. I hate it when
the men in my life fight.

Besides, we both know
you can work this out.

- Not...this time.
- This time?

It's different.

All right.
I’ll get him a writing job--

the next Captain Astro, whatever.

Guy produces. You see each other
only at meetings

arranged through my office
so there's a paper trail.

I'm supposed to make an appointment
to see my boyfriend?

Your boyfriend happens to be
a movie star,

though for how much longer
is anyone's guess.

I don't want to know.

So, uh, where were we?

Going over the fight scene.

Jerry can be a little over-protective.

It's not just her, it's everything--

the lying, the sneaking around,
and then there's Sally.

Did I tell you she found me a date
for her big premiere party?

I feel like the other woman.

I know things are a little crazy right now,

but if you can just hold out till spring.

- When you go to Italy?
- When we go to Italy.

A seaside villa.
No Sally, no Jerry.

Just the two of us...

for a year.

- I don't know what to say.
- Say yes.

Now, where were we?

♫lt's SRO. ♫

♫lt's S...R.O.!♫

The old vote was 11 yea, 16 nay.

But the new one is 5 to 2...

In my favour.

Well, I guess I can 't blame my boys
for wanting to join your labour club.

I sure let them down in West Tunnel.

Why? Why? Why?

You can make it up to them by signing
my five-year plan--l mean contract.

- Don't do it, Mr. Fatherman!
- Flint! Thank God you're all right!

- Yes, most fortunate.
- No thanks to you, Redburg.

Recognize this?

What's your "Russia "?

Well, Flint, have you
learned your lesson?

I think we all have, sir. If it ain't broke,
it was probably made in America.

The countess is a lucky woman.

Excuse me.

- Have you seen my husband?
- Yes, yes, I have.

Anything.

- Smart dress.
- Thank you. It's from a pattern.

Victor, why did you hire
so many homosexual waiters?

Because that's the only kind.

Victor.
Oh, there you are, silly.

It's going so well.
Judy and Sid Garland-Luft are here,

and Mr. and Mrs. Liberace.

- That's great. Excuse me.
- Guy.

- Jesus.
- Oh, hello, Miss Albrecht.

If a bomb went off in this place,
some of my clients could actually get work.

- Isn’t Guy's movie wonderful?
- I loved it.

I know people will think I'm just saying that
because I'm his manager...

and I have to.

- Hello, Sally.
- Hello, Mr. Ornstein.

- Bernice.
- Hello back, honey pie.

There's punch.

Thank you.
Excuse me.

You must be so proud.

Your very first movie and starring me.

- It's a piece of crap.
- But starring me.

Doesn't it tear your guts
to see something like that?

I wrote that book to say something
and it’s not "America Works"!

Well, your book is still out there.
This will draw attention to it.

Thank you, Guy. I think I've bought into
enough of your stupid rationalizations.

What do I have to show for it?

I got a beard date,
a fascist movie with my name on it,

and a boyfriend I can
only see at meetings.

- I'm you.
- Rick.

M r. Foster.

I’d like you to meet Louella
from Redbook.

Sally tells me you two
have separate rooms.

- McCarthy's Red hunt was a big hit.
- I can't just repeat him.

Uh, Ray, that’s what we do here.

We sell the old stew
in a bright, new can.

That's what I'm saying.
I need a new can.

I'll say.

The Soviets tried film propaganda.

Vertov, Eisenstein.
It was a failure there.

Okay, this conversation
is about show business, but not enough.

Guy, thank God.

First his film, and then him.
I need a little pick-me-up.

Which one of these is Judy's?

Have you seen Rick?

This is not the time or place.
You're working.

- Bingo.
- Victor.

- He's upstairs.
- Thank you.

- Bitch!
- Scotch.

Hit me again.

Saul.

- It's a great party, huh?
- Yeah. Why don't you join it?

Oh, uh, about that--

I heard about the whole
you-giving-me-up thing?

And it's only fair to warn you,
we Italians don't sing.

You're Italian like the Pope's a Jew.

"Gay" Stone, on the other hand,

he'll belt you out a show tune of names.

Look, Freddie, I like you.

Well, that's not true,
but this isn't personal.

Guy makes more money for me.
I gotta to cover my ass.

Yeah, well, with him around, we all do.

Thank you.
Excuse me.

I could actually use one of Saul's memos
right about now.

Because I love being a movie star.

And I love you.

And I really need for this
to have a happy ending.

Saul would say the hero has to sacrifice
everything for the countess.

I am three weeks from Ben Hur.
And then we're in Italy and--

Sally is going with you to Italy, Guy.
We both know that.

I would.

You'd give up writing?

If being a writer meant hiding who I was

to coddle the bigotries
of people who hated me?

In a second.

Then I guess we're different.

Guess so.

But we knew that going in.

Rick.

It’s one bad movie.

- Don't make this into one of your things.
- I'm not.

This isn't courage, Guy.

I could sign off on all of it,
and there would still come a point.

And I don't understand,
because I'm real.

I'll divorce Sally.

This party is as dead as James Dean.

It wouldn't be if someone
would just play that organ.

Everyone is having a blast.

I think someone's had too many blasts.

At the office, do you spend
a lot of time staring at my rack?

It would destroy her.

At first.

In the end, it would be a kindness.

But you'd still be a movie star.

I don't have it all worked out yet,
and I get the contradictions.

But if you could pick the one thing

that you hated most
about our movie of your book,

what would it be?

It makes everything too simple.

The purple button is trombones.
It’s fun. Try it.

Guy? Oh--

It's very expensive.

It gives me nightmares.
Excuse me.

Guy?

Guy.

Not quite.

Mr. Stevens, I'm fairly certain
that's illegal.

- Who am I hurting?
- My hair!

After all, apparently, my career is over.

It's not fair.

I did everything right.

Tanned, tore out my real teeth.

I even learned to act.

What does Guy Stone have that I don't?

Maybe if you tried
to be a nicer person,

the audience would sense that,

and then would respond.

He has you.

Yes, he does.

And all the great press you get.

But...what does he give you back, huh?

A heart full of happy.
Thank you very much.

I could fill a lot more than
your heart with happy.

Eww...

Leave Stone...

and marry me.

You're just high.

It’s a crime what he’s doing.

A juicy peach like you
shouldn’t rot in the bowl.

Ew...

I'm married!

You Communist!

- So you changed your mind?
- I’ll check on the punch.

Thursday’s two-for-one night.

That too hard?

Sally.

And then I say,
"Keep your mitts off my gal."

Ahh!

Ow! God!

- I got them!
- What the hell is...

Oy.

- Okay, here's why this is good.
- Excuse me.

♫ You'll never work in this town
if all your stories get out I

I Keep it under your hat I

♫ There's only one thing people
will never live without I

I They love to watch the mighty fall I

I And make somebody big seem small I

I All might seem hunky-dory today I

Pictures can be doctored,

witnesses bought.

Maybe you were drunk.

Hello?

Bitch.

Hag.

- Where have you been?
- Reporters.

I'm going to go outside
and have a smoke.

Hi, Saul.

God damn it!

He voided your contract,
per the morals clause.

I hate to badmouth another star,
even a beat-red, child-pawing fruit.

And guess which big star
he fingered for this new pink hunt.

As the new Ben Hur,
I feel strongly...

When did this business get so mean?

When they started it.

Maybe it's for the best.

I mean,

I was kind of participating
in my own oppression.

Huh?

Anyway, I have money.

I have lots of money.
You saw how I lived.

Exactly. There's the house.
Sally gets that.

Forget about any other studios
or television.

You'll think of something.

- Not...
- This time?

This time.

It's different.

It is.

Yeah, I know.

Good night, Thelma.

You don't have to wait for me
every night.

What else do I have to do?

Don't worry, it's not steak.

It's chicken and a can of peas.

- And two bottles of swill beer.
- I'm impressed.

Oh, look, look.
It's the movie queen.

Hey, Guy Fag.

- You want to suck on this?
- Okay, how hard is "Gay" Stone?

- Make your move, pal!
- Come on, postal boy!

I'm such an idiot.

Just forget about those guys.

It's not just them.

I actually thought
people were okay with us.

Maybe not Hollywood, but here?

I walk around.
Lots of guys do.

It never occurred to me that,
on us, they just can't see it.

What are you talking about?
Look at you.

Is it them?

Guy, I don't think you should...

Who is it?

I'm not in the mood.

I've been trying to find this place
for an hour.

You've never been to Silver Lake?

If I want to be around a bunch of men
who have no interest in me,

I could go anywhere.

So how you doin'?

- Did he just ask me how I’m doing?
- Yeah, I think so.

- Oh, I need to sit down.
- Rick’s writing me a play.

Oh, goody.

Of course, the real money is in poems.

Hey, I can use that.
It's about Hollywood.

You come down pro or con?

We're going to put it up ourselves.

In a tiny theater.
I know how broke I am.

Well, maybe not
after the inquiry on Friday.

I didn't know they paid you
for those things

They don't.

But Saul didn't just hand you
over to Mr. Verrine.

He promised you'd sing.

Why would I do that?
My career's over already.

Which Saul finally figured out today
and came to see me.

Saul came to you?

I got your contract reinstated,

and a massive publicity campaign

that portrays your exposure
as a hoax.

I'd always heard of total leverage before,

but the taste of it, it's like, uh...

Girl-on-girl sex?

I am not a lesbian!

I guess at your age,
it's mostly a title.

You stop cracking wise,
or I won’t tell you who Ben Hur is again.

I get to be Ben Hur!

I get to be...

- But he'd have to sing.
- Yes. He'll have to sing.

Well, uh, I couldn't do that anyway.

- I don't know any gay Com--
- You know one.

You are unbelievable.

You've sworn off Hollywood anyway.

The whole reason they'd want him
to name names

is because it sends a signal.

Hollywood has a kind of mob mentality.
Maybe you've noticed.

Oh, please, why don't you tell me
all about Hollywood?

Would you please tell her she's crazy?

You know what it means
to be a movie star?

It means being 34.

34?

I'm sure Miss Hepburn
was just telling us to go to hell.

And to your left, the pervert palace

of America's swishiest bachelor,

movie star Guy Stone.

This is me.

Excuse me.

Guy?

I thought you'd be at work.

I know. I should be.

But lately...it's the most peculiar thing.

It'll be time to get up,

and I just stay right there in bed.

It's called depression.

It's called lazy where I come from.

I use vodka instead of water now.
Adds a real zing, don't you think?

You know what?
Let's just have coffee instead.

I put Scotch in that.
Excuse me.

Stop being so good.
I hate your goodness.

Sarah, you could never hate me
more than I love you.

I don’t hate you.

I love you, and I hate myself for it.

Never hate love.

You’re a lover, and lovers love love .

Are you okay?

I do that four or five times a week.
It's nothing.

Freddie calls me his dumb lush.

Freddie?

He lives here now.

Do you love him?

Love is just a big heart-shaped box

full of chocolate-covered razor blades.

Anyway,

maybe all I really wanted

was to be a movie star's wife.

I mean, everybody says
I’m so good at it.

Maybe you were so good at it
because it's acting.

We all know what people think
of actresses.

You're talking to one, remember?

Listen...

about this whole thing--

the lying and the leading you on--

Mr. Ornstein and Miss Albrecht
made you.

I could have said no.

I should have said no.

I'm sorry.

Those two, you should have heard them
going at it yesterday

about your deal.

- Right.
- Guy...

If you came here to see if I would be
your pretend wife again...

Yes.

So I’ll see you after work.

Crap.

Hold your horses.
I'm coming.

Oh, mother--

Not recently, no.

Haven't seen him,
but do you want a date?

What are you doing?

- How about you?
- Not since you came along.

Well, look, who--

I don 't want any trouble.

- Stone residence.
- Sir, you're needed.

Came to check on you.

He’d made it to the door.

You're all right.

l 'm tired.

The doctor said someone's
not meant to speak.

- Guy...
- Your funeral.

When you testify tomorrow...

name me.

No, no, Rick.

I want you to.

But you, but...

- It sends a signal.
- To who?

Saul is right.
People are as stupid as him.

They just don't know any better.

That's all.

You can change them.

What? With art?

And our actions.

You changed me.

It could have been you,

easier than me.

All I know is that I love you.

Get your old life back.

I'll be fine.

I might even...get married.

Shut up.

We always keep a courtroom
on mothballs, use it a lot.

Got a police station too,
if you need it.

Background, this over here
is called a television camera.

- Where the hell is Stone?
- He'll be here. Relax.

And try to look like people who aren’t
a bunch of half-crazy losers

who are wasting their lives.

Where's Stone?

Over here!

Yeah, we’re not doing
the space movie today.

It reads as flesh tone on TV.

There he is!
90 seconds

to the nadir of my
once-promising career.

- Nadir.
- Hi, Guy.

Victor told me about Rick.

He's fine.

If you name him,
we both know I'll think of something.

He's moving to Baltimore.
Might even get married.

Guy, I love you too.

And you wouldn't survive
10 minutes out there alone.

Every life builds toward,

and then radiates from,

a single moment.

Thank you, Jay.

Today, I, S.R.O. Pictures,

and Hit Parade cigarettes,

mean to get to the bottom
of an issue

far more serious
than ordinary Communists--

homosexual Communists

working in Hollywood.

I don 't mean directors

or behind-the-scenes nobodies, either.

I mean great big stars.

Toward that end, I call on Mr. Guy Stone.

Mr. Stone,

are you now or have you ever been

a homosexual Communist?

Baltimore.

Los Angeles.

Are you or have you, Mr. Stone?

Yes.

- And are you personally aware of others...
- Whatever's cheapest.

like yourself,
working in the motion picture industry?

Yes, I am.

- Please state their names for the record.
- Better yet, sing 'em.

I am what you say,
and so are many of my peers.

So what?

l just need their names, Mr. Stone.

This is the only way
I can help you, Ray,

Because movies, for all their cornball,
reactionary idiocy,

show us life as it might be,

if only we could live up to our ideals.

Movie characters are honest
and loyal and brave.

They sacrifice themselves
for those they love.

They are proud of the qualities
that make them individuals.

They stand up for what's right,

no matter the odds or consequences.

Movie characters, in short,

would not care who plays them.

But I guess there's a reason we pay money
to see people like that.

In a way, I wish I could give you
10 million names today,

because then, 10 million people
could stop hiding

and living in fear.

And the rest of you
would discover wonderful, new sides

to people you thought you knew.

But I can't do that, Mr. Verrine,

because the main trait

that separates my kind from yours

is that we mean you no harm.

When you can say the same
about yourself...

you will have earned the privilege
of knowing our names.

Strike that propaganda from the record.

It's just a prop.

Mr. Stone, you are in contempt,

and it will be my recommendation
that you be sentenced

to 18 months in a correctional facility--

I'm a Communist!

Peas and carrots!
Peas and carrots!

They add the sound in later.

Excuse me?

I'm a Communist!

And did Mr. Stone indoctrinate you
into the party?

Uh, no, no, uh...

Just the opposite.

See, I am a member
of a super-secret club

that turns big Hollywood stars
into Communists.

We were doing real good, too,

but then Guy Stone got wind of us.

He posed as our comrade,

then started taking us out
from the inside, one by one.

Finally, there were just two of us left.

But then my commander
came up with a plan.

He had me trick Guy
into falling in love with me,

and when he married me,
I exposed him as a gay.

- Mr. Stone, is she telling the truth?
- No. It's from one of my movies.

You see?

He'd rather have you believe
he's a gay Communist than hurt me.

So I guess my plan worked perfectly,
except for one hitch.

I fell in love right back.

And through him, I learned
that Communism is wrong!

As wrong as peas in Jell-O!

- What is the name of your commander?
- The name of my commander is

Freddie Stevens.

What? You little--

Saul!

Ray, she's just a dizzy broad!

What the hell.

Mrs. Stone...

thank you very much for your dramatic
and headline-grabbing confession.

You are a good American.

We'll be right back after this word

from smooth and delicious
Hit Parade cigarettes.

We're through.

When I say "we,"
I mean me and life.

Could I have your autograph?

Sally, you are something special!

- You always have been.
- Thank you.

- I’ve never done this before.
- It’s for me, Bess.

And I love you.

- Ew.
- That's what I thought.

But how would you like to be Astro Girl?

Play golf?

Love it.

Finally.

A girl can have friends.

You were very impressive today.
You’re like a whole new person.

Hold onto this for me, would you?
It's ugly.

Where's Victor?

I kissed her mother,
but the daughter was a babe,

- I’m telling you.
- Really?

Gentlemen.

A word?

Guy.

I was hoping you'd come by.

That...

was amazing.

I got you something.

If you want it.

I do.

Someone once said that we must
become the change we want to see.

Mahatma Gandhi.

Call boys give themselves
such goofy names.

You're welcome.

Guy.

M r. Foster.

Sally.

I'm going to go get the bike.

M r. Foster?

You'll take care of him for me?

I promise.

'Cause he'll say he loved his dinner,
and then later you find it in a plant.

Thank you.

You were great in there.

I didn't overplay my subtext?

You're going to be a big star.

And thank you.

I guess I just couldn't picture anybody
but you as Ben Hur.

I don't think I'll be making
any more movies for a while.

But you have to.
You were born for it.

But I'm through pretending.

♫ Every Tom, Dick and Harry
Don, Ted and Larry ♫

♫ Bill, Ted and Barry
Dan, Ed and Jerry ♫

♫ Ron, Dean and Perry
Ben, Stan and Terry ♫

♫ Now ♫

♫ I'm in a straight jacket ♫

♫ Call me crazy
Put me in a loony bin ♫

♫ I'll get committed
and then they'll have me in a ♫

♫ Straight jacket ♫

♫ I'm stuck and I can 't come out ♫

♫ And no one really knows
what I'm about ♫

♫ I'm in a straight jacket ♫

♫ Straight jacket ♫

♫ My hands are literally tied ♫

♫ To what I feel inside ♫

♫ My mind's telling me
to go one way ♫

♫ While my heart's goin' the other ♫

♫ I'm in a straight jacket ♫

♫ I know what I like ♫

♫ lt's every Tom, Dick and Mike ♫

♫ But I've got this problem ♫

♫ That I can't get away from ♫

♫ I'm in a straight jacket
and I'm gonna get out some day ♫

♫ Every Tom, Dick and Harry
Don, Phil and Larry ♫

♫ Bill, Ted and Barry
Dan, Ed and Jerry ♫

♫ Ron, Dean and Perry
Ben, Stan and Terry ♫

♫ Now ♫

♫ I'm in a straight jacket ♫

♫ Let's not talk about it ♫

♫ Secrets no one will know ♫

♫ Let's not talk about it ♫

♫ Let's not talk about it ♫

♫ Your deepest darkest secrets
Are not supposed to be known ♫

♫ Play by the rules and surely
Your cover will never be blown ♫

♫ Keep your guard up
And cover your tracks ♫

♫ 'Cause nothing can slip through
the cracks ♫

♫ One faux pas
And you're on your way ♫

♫ To ruining more than just your day ♫

♫ Let's not talk about it ♫

♫ Secrets no one will know ♫

♫ Let's not talk about it ♫

♫ Let's not talk about it ♫

♫ Shh! ♫

♫ Don 't confuse me
With facts today ♫

♫ Truth is stronger than fiction
They say ♫

♫ Keeping secrets
Is the only way ♫

♫ Let's not talk about it ♫

♫ Let's not talk about it ♫

♫ You'll never work in this town
If all your stories get out ♫

♫ Keep it under your hat ♫

♫ There's only one thing people
Will never live without ♫

♫ They love to watch the mighty fall ♫

♫ And make somebody big seem small ♫

♫ All might seem hunky-dory today ♫

♫ But keep this up
And you'll end up that way ♫

♫ Let's not talk about it ♫

♫ Secrets no one will know ♫

♫ Let's not talk about it ♫

♫ Let's not talk about it ♫