Story in Development (1989) - full transcript
Nicole becomes depressed as she wants to wishes to an adult. Her dads try to cheer her up and make her see the advantages of being a teenager.
Ugh!
Oh, man, taste these eggs.
Well, you make it sound so darn appealing.
Why don't you spit on it first?
Just taste, taste, taste.
Hey, why is it when something tastes lousy everybody wants to share it?
All I'm asking you to do is taste the eggs.
Why do you gotta make a federal case out of everything, huh?
I'm not making a federal case.
I just don't wanna taste your lousy eggs.
Either eat the lousy eggs or send them back.
Let me eat my breakfast in peace, would ya?
Whoa. Taste this.
Ooh. Excuse me.
Miss, these eggs, they're...
What's the word I'm lookin' for? Stink.
Exactly.
Would you like me to get the chef?
Yeah. Could you please get Julian out here?
Thank you.
What is it with Julian? Usually he cooks fine.
And what he told us, that a good cook tries to make
each dish a reflection of his own personality?
Then this cook is salty, crusty and tough.
You wanted to see me?
You... You cooked these eggs?
Yeah.
Julian's not here yet,
so I made your breakfast. What do you think?
Oh, they're good. They're good.
Mmm. Mmm.
Julian's are always fluffy, and he never...
He never puts enough shell in the eggs.
Morning, everybody.
Sorry I'm late, Judge, but...
I didn't get here on time.
Why not?
Because I was running the girls through a last-minute workout
before their big swim meet this afternoon.
Can I get those for y'all?
BOTH: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah...
No, no, no, no...
Julian says if we stick with his training program,
we can have real thick necks someday.
Yeah.
It's what I've always wanted for you, honey.
And a season of swimming will really build up our bodies.
And then, goodbye, Donna.
Who's Donna?
That's a friend of Nicole's.
Not my friend. Shelby's friend.
Not my friend.
Apparently, Donna has no friends.
Guys, Donna's at the bus stop.
So that's Donna.
Oh...
What do you mean, "Oh"?
Oh-oho-oho...
That's little Donna?
So what?
So... So she developed over the summer.
So her chest grew.
So, it doesn't affect us.
And it doesn't change the way Cory and Zach feel about me.
Cory.
Zach. Hi.
Where are you guys going?
Nowhere.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Hurry up.
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter what you do
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter where you go
♪♪ I'm standing by your side
♪♪ I'll be right behind
♪♪ No one loves you more than I do
♪♪ Put your hand in mine
♪♪ I can see a part of me in you
♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through
♪♪ I hear it in your laughter
♪♪ And I feel it when you cry
♪♪ I will be right there for you
♪♪ Until the day I die
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter what you do
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter where you go
♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪
I think she's carrying this
"Why aren't I built like Donna Mahoney" thing
a little too far, don't you think?
I was so lookin' forward to this swim meet.
I really was.
I was gonna be in the stands, braggin' to the other fathers.
I was gonna go, "You see that girl in the lead?
"That's my daughter."
Yeah. But she wasn't in the lead, Mikey.
No, she was not.
Why wasn't she in the lead?
'Cause she was embarrassed to be seen in a bathing suit,
so she went swimming in her bathrobe, Joe.
Man, I don't know what she was so embarrassed about, though.
I mean, just because, like, 300 guys with binoculars
showed up to see Donna in her bathing suit?
It's so silly.
I mean, in a little bit of time
all these girls are gonna catch up with each other.
Nobody's gonna remember
who was the first girl to develop.
Yeah, right. Like we can remember
the first girl to develop in high school.
BOTH: Babette Friedlander.
Yeah.
But we weren't just attracted to her body.
We were attracted to her mind.
Oh, yes, that's true.
Remember when her mind wore that pink sweater?
Oh, was she smart that day.
Yeah, she had a couple of great ideas.
See, now, God is gonna get us for this.
God is gonna get us.
How do you figure? Because now we have to raise our own daughter
through this whole female development thing.
Oh, no, no, no.
You don't think she's gonna come to us for that, do you?
Hey, we're her fathers.
You know, we better come up with an answer.
Or an incredible simulation.
All right. I'll tell you what. You simulate,
and I'll stand here and go like this.
Fine. Fine. You want to avoid the issue?
That's fine. But not me, pally.
She needs me, and I'm gonna be here for her.
Hi, honey. You wanna talk about this?
No!
Thank God.
Shelby, listen to this one.
"Thanks to a new Swedish invention,
"you could add inches to your bust line."
Inches I got.
I wanna be able to knock things over.
"Here's what our satisfied customers
"are saying about the amazing
"bosomatic Mary Wilmont,
"of Ithaca, New York says,
"'In just six weeks, I went from an 'A' cup to a windsock.'"
And listen to this, from a Babette Friedlander.
"'I've been using this since I'm 15.
"'How do you shut this thing off?'"
How are the exercises going?
Swell. I went from itty to bitty.
That's it. I'm eating chocolates.
If I eat chocolates, I'll get fat.
If get fat, some of it is bound to end up in the right places.
Come on. I mean, maybe we're making too much out of this.
I mean, that's all it is, a big bunch of fat.
Does it really matter?
Did you see the way Cory and Zach were looking at Donna?
What's that? Nougat?
I blame Donna.
So do I. Last semester she was nothing.
What happened?
When's it gonna happen to us?
What if it doesn't?
All right. All right. Listen.
How about this then, okay?
We tell her that she is a very special girl.
I mean, that she's got a lot of great qualities
that some special guy is gonna recognize
when that special guy comes along.
(SNORES)
What, you can do better?
Boring. Come on.
She doesn't wanna talk to us about this.
So it's okay.
And it's not a big deal, okay?
Look, until she's comfortable enough
to come to us with this, then nothin' has happened,
nothing has changed.
Hey, Dads.
Hey, Nick. (SNICKERS)
So... (CHUCKLING)
What's new?
Nothing.
Why?
Oh, nothin'.
I just, uh, noticed somethin' looked different.
What, did you do something to your hair or something?
Same hair.
Really? Same hair?
Isn't that funny? Somehow it looks... Looks bigger.
Come on, Nick.
Where do you think you're goin' with...
With those?
Out.
I'm going to see how my life changes.
Your life's not changing. You are.
Why don't you just take those outta your shirt
and put 'em back in the Kleenex box where they belong, huh?
(SNICKERS)
Hey, Nick, listen...
Listen, you guys, you know, you got...
You're both smart and you're pretty,
and you got a lot of great qualities.
Now, that's all that matters.
You don't know anything.
(BLOWS NOSE)
Look what you did.
What'd I do?
I said that she's smart and she's pretty.
Yeah. Exactly. How would you like it
if somebody said that to you?
I think I would like it.
So what's the problem?
Well, you know... You know when a kid wants a puppy,
and she's gotta have that puppy,
and she's gonna die if she doesn't get that puppy?
So you go to the pet store and you buy her a puppy.
So? So, Nicole wants breasts.
See, her friend Donna's got 'em,
and now Nicole wants 'em.
Everybody wants 'em.
They're all the rage.
Well,
kids don't always get what they want.
Yeah. Well, she's real depressed, Judge.
I mean, she hates her body.
She hates her friend Donna. I think she hates us.
We figure a half hour with you, happy kid.
Thank you.
She hates her friend Donna?
Yeah. And believe me,
we really appreciate you talking to her, all right?
And we wouldn't dream of imposing if it weren't for the fact that,
well, we do it all the time. You seem to enjoy it.
Yeah. Don't know what we'd do without you, Judge.
Really.
You're about to find out.
Huh? What?
Not this time.
Nothing I can do to make her look different.
Yeah. But, you know, maybe, you know,
you could just say somethin', make her feel comfortable.
Except I'm not comfortable talking to her about it.
Why?
I don't want to go into it.
You're the parents. Handle it.
Well, yeah. But, Judge, what she needs is a woman.
That's you.
What she needs is a couple of boobs.
That's you.
You know, sweetie, there comes a time in every girl's life...
How do you know? Huh?
What happens in a girl's life?
I'm saying...
How do you know?
How...
Okay.
Uh, well, let's... Let's start again.
This is gonna be all about how all I have to do is wait.
And then nature will take its course,
and everything is gonna turn out all right.
And there is a tooth fairy.
Look, Nick, we're men, okay?
And we're tellin' you that none of this matters at all. Right.
Now, Zach and Cory, they may be all turned around about this.
That's because they're not used to the physical thing.
See? When they get older,
it's not gonna matter to 'em at all. That's right.
You're older. Right.
And the physical thing doesn't matter to you?
No. I'm not attracted to the what,
I'm attracted to the who.
What about Inge?
Hoo!
I... In defense of Joey, I think that...
What about Brenda?
Brenda... Brenda was a woman?
See, I was not even payin' attention.
That entire relationship, I...
That was a business thing, really, and I always felt that...
But, hey, come on, this is not about us.
This is about you, all right?
And, listen, it's very sound advice we're givin' you.
What we're... This is... It's very good what we're sayin'.
We're very good parents, maybe.
We all know the facts.
You two aren't any different from Cory and Zach.
The only difference is you two have been at it longer.
That is just not true.
Look, uh... Yes, okay, we will admit
a full-figured woman is very attractive.
But that's not what a guy falls in love with.
You know? You fall in love with the whole person.
Okay.
Okay, then let's take two whole people.
Exactly the same.
Same eyes, same hair, same personality.
Except, one has 'em and one doesn't.
Which one do you fall in love with?
Well, that's...
How could you...
Exactly the same hair?
Yes.
Well... Nobody's got exactly the same hair.
It's an... That's an impossible question.
You can't even answer it. It's an impossible question.
It's my hypothetical question, and I say it's possible.
So answer.
Well, it's possible. Maybe, uh, maybe I don't want either one.
They're your fantasy women.
Then I want 'em both.
You can't have 'em both.
It's my fantasy. I want 'em both.
I can't talk to you.
Hey, come on, Nick. We're your fathers.
We're tryin' to understand what you're goin' through, okay?
We're just tryin' to help you.
MICHAEL: Really.
Well, thanks for trying.
Good night.
Good night.
You got your keys?
I don't need my keys.
I can just slide in through the mail slot.
How can they have exactly the same hair?
They just do.
Well, are they twins, or what?
No, they're not twins. One of 'em has 'em, one of 'em doesn't.
Has what? Wigs?
What? What wigs?
Well, if they're not twins, how else would they have the same type of hair?
Julian, it's hypothetical.
Oh, well, I gotta back off if this is a religious thing.
You do have to feel bad for your kid.
Fifteen's a tough age. So many changes.
I was short and skinny.
I hadn't blossomed yet.
Well, you're in full bloom now, babe.
(DOOR BELL RINGING)
Hello, Mr. Harris, Mr. Taylor.
If you're too busy to talk to us, you can just ignore us.
We're playin' poker here, guys.
(BOTH GROAN)
This will take 90 seconds. That's fine.
Good. Yeah.
We'll just, uh, sit here and play solitaire.
I'll deal.
What's up, guys?
You know, I was really looking forward to this party.
I bought this shirt. I even gargled.
Yeah. And I asked Nicole to dance.
She says no.
I said, "You wanna talk?" She said no.
She just sat there in the corner all night
with Shelby and those other girls.
She didn't even look at me.
What do we do?
Was Donna at this party?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Did you by chance stare at Donna at the party?
Why would we stare at Donna?
(SCOFFS) Yeah.
Why would we even look at... Did ya?
How could you not look at Donna?
I mean, while my brain is saying,
"Look away, look away."
But my eyes are saying, "Dixieland!"
Are we evil?
Nah. Look...
Look, you guys, you guys are in hormone hell.
I mean... You said it.
I mean, the good ones...
The good ones are making you grow,
mature, you know, shave.
The other ones are makin' you go,
woo-woo woo-woo-woo...
That's it. And once in a while
the dark side is gonna win.
What are you gonna do?
So you're sayin' this isn't our fault?
No. Hey, you guys are natural.
You're normal. That's it.
So, you're saying we shouldn't feel guilty
about what our hormones are making us do?
No. Absolutely not.
Unless you happen to be in the same room with our daughter,
in which case you better kiss your hormones goodbye.
Oh. My bad hormones have nothing but respect for Nicole.
Mine are afraid of her.
Good. You feel better now?
Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for talking to us.
Hey, come on. You guys know the doors are always open for you.
Yeah? Can we join you for some poker?
No. Get outta here.
You know, for a couple of guys who think they're lousy parents,
you did a good job with those two.
Hey, that was easy.
Yeah. That's because they're boys.
I mean, I wish we had that kinda luck with our daughter.
Boys, boys, you're missing the point.
Which is, you're boys.
This is Mom's area.
Yeah. Unfortunately there's no mom in the area.
Exactly why you need the Judge.
But, yeah, but the Judge is avoidin' us.
Yeah. She never avoids us.
But this time she's avoidin' us.
Hey, at the risk of seeming wise,
I've seen the way she cares about your kid.
The Judge is about the closest thing Nicole has to a mother in this world.
You remind the Judge of that and watch what happens.
Hi.
Hi.
Where are my dads?
The game moved to Julian's.
So, what are you doing here?
Your dads tell me you've got a problem.
You got a problem?
Problem?
No. How can you have a problem when you have no life?
Judge...
I need results here,
or else I need $39.95 for a bosomatic.
Nicole...
You and I know that this is just a matter of time.
I understand that you're feeling self-conscious.
That's a part of most young women's lives.
And how you handle your own self-consciousness
has more to do with your development into womanhood
then how soon your body develops.
That's it?
That's it.
That's all you have to say?
Well, I heard the same thing from my dads.
I thought you'd have something different to tell me.
Oh, do you want to hear something different?
Okay.
I'll tell ya something different.
Until you feel that you've developed,
you're gonna spend your time resenting Donna, aren't you?
A little.
Well, yeah, a lot.
Do you know what she did at this party that I went to?
All the guys were flocking around her, of course.
And as if to rub it in, she kept coming up
trying to talk to me and the rest of the girls.
Like she didn't want the attention
that she was getting from the guys,
and she would rather talk to me.
Yeah. Right.
Boy, there's one like you in every bunch, isn't there?
What?
In my school it was Frances Collier.
Oh. She was the first in your school to develop?
I was the first one in my school to develop.
I had no idea what was happening to me,
and why I was suddenly so popular
with all the boys in my class.
Like Donna is.
And why the girls in my class
made me feel isolated like Donna is.
You were like Donna?
And you're like Frances Collier,
who'd been my friend up until then.
But suddenly she wasn't anymore,
'cause she thought I was too threatening.
When actually I was just plain scared.
You think Donna feels scared?
I know Donna feels scared.
I know exactly why she kept trying to talk to you at the party.
Because it's a very lonely time.
I needed Frances Collier to be my friend as much as Donna needs you.
And I thought I was feeling bad before.
Don't feel bad.
And don't envy Donna.
The reason she's popular is not the kind of popularity you want.
And the boys who ask her out because of the size of her chest,
they're not the boys you want to know.
Thanks for talking to me, Judge.
I'm not done yet.
I made you feel bad?
Here comes the part where I make you feel better.
Goody.
You still smart?
Well...
You still pretty?
Nah.
You still got two dads and a Zach and a Cory
who love you for you?
And you love them for them?
And if Joey loses his hair,
and if Michael's teeth fall out,
and if Zach or Cory don't grow to be six feet tall,
will you love them any less?
No.
Well, you think about that.
You wanna grow?
That's the kind of growing that matters.
Thanks, Judge.
You still love me?
Nah.
You're skinny.
Well, it lets me fit in right here.
Hey.
Hey, Nick.
Hi.
Have a nice talk with the Judge, sweetie?
You like yourself again?
I will in a minute.
Hi, Donna?
It's Nicole.
How've you been?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, man, taste these eggs.
Well, you make it sound so darn appealing.
Why don't you spit on it first?
Just taste, taste, taste.
Hey, why is it when something tastes lousy everybody wants to share it?
All I'm asking you to do is taste the eggs.
Why do you gotta make a federal case out of everything, huh?
I'm not making a federal case.
I just don't wanna taste your lousy eggs.
Either eat the lousy eggs or send them back.
Let me eat my breakfast in peace, would ya?
Whoa. Taste this.
Ooh. Excuse me.
Miss, these eggs, they're...
What's the word I'm lookin' for? Stink.
Exactly.
Would you like me to get the chef?
Yeah. Could you please get Julian out here?
Thank you.
What is it with Julian? Usually he cooks fine.
And what he told us, that a good cook tries to make
each dish a reflection of his own personality?
Then this cook is salty, crusty and tough.
You wanted to see me?
You... You cooked these eggs?
Yeah.
Julian's not here yet,
so I made your breakfast. What do you think?
Oh, they're good. They're good.
Mmm. Mmm.
Julian's are always fluffy, and he never...
He never puts enough shell in the eggs.
Morning, everybody.
Sorry I'm late, Judge, but...
I didn't get here on time.
Why not?
Because I was running the girls through a last-minute workout
before their big swim meet this afternoon.
Can I get those for y'all?
BOTH: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah...
No, no, no, no...
Julian says if we stick with his training program,
we can have real thick necks someday.
Yeah.
It's what I've always wanted for you, honey.
And a season of swimming will really build up our bodies.
And then, goodbye, Donna.
Who's Donna?
That's a friend of Nicole's.
Not my friend. Shelby's friend.
Not my friend.
Apparently, Donna has no friends.
Guys, Donna's at the bus stop.
So that's Donna.
Oh...
What do you mean, "Oh"?
Oh-oho-oho...
That's little Donna?
So what?
So... So she developed over the summer.
So her chest grew.
So, it doesn't affect us.
And it doesn't change the way Cory and Zach feel about me.
Cory.
Zach. Hi.
Where are you guys going?
Nowhere.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Hurry up.
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter what you do
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter where you go
♪♪ I'm standing by your side
♪♪ I'll be right behind
♪♪ No one loves you more than I do
♪♪ Put your hand in mine
♪♪ I can see a part of me in you
♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through
♪♪ I hear it in your laughter
♪♪ And I feel it when you cry
♪♪ I will be right there for you
♪♪ Until the day I die
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter what you do
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter where you go
♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪
I think she's carrying this
"Why aren't I built like Donna Mahoney" thing
a little too far, don't you think?
I was so lookin' forward to this swim meet.
I really was.
I was gonna be in the stands, braggin' to the other fathers.
I was gonna go, "You see that girl in the lead?
"That's my daughter."
Yeah. But she wasn't in the lead, Mikey.
No, she was not.
Why wasn't she in the lead?
'Cause she was embarrassed to be seen in a bathing suit,
so she went swimming in her bathrobe, Joe.
Man, I don't know what she was so embarrassed about, though.
I mean, just because, like, 300 guys with binoculars
showed up to see Donna in her bathing suit?
It's so silly.
I mean, in a little bit of time
all these girls are gonna catch up with each other.
Nobody's gonna remember
who was the first girl to develop.
Yeah, right. Like we can remember
the first girl to develop in high school.
BOTH: Babette Friedlander.
Yeah.
But we weren't just attracted to her body.
We were attracted to her mind.
Oh, yes, that's true.
Remember when her mind wore that pink sweater?
Oh, was she smart that day.
Yeah, she had a couple of great ideas.
See, now, God is gonna get us for this.
God is gonna get us.
How do you figure? Because now we have to raise our own daughter
through this whole female development thing.
Oh, no, no, no.
You don't think she's gonna come to us for that, do you?
Hey, we're her fathers.
You know, we better come up with an answer.
Or an incredible simulation.
All right. I'll tell you what. You simulate,
and I'll stand here and go like this.
Fine. Fine. You want to avoid the issue?
That's fine. But not me, pally.
She needs me, and I'm gonna be here for her.
Hi, honey. You wanna talk about this?
No!
Thank God.
Shelby, listen to this one.
"Thanks to a new Swedish invention,
"you could add inches to your bust line."
Inches I got.
I wanna be able to knock things over.
"Here's what our satisfied customers
"are saying about the amazing
"bosomatic Mary Wilmont,
"of Ithaca, New York says,
"'In just six weeks, I went from an 'A' cup to a windsock.'"
And listen to this, from a Babette Friedlander.
"'I've been using this since I'm 15.
"'How do you shut this thing off?'"
How are the exercises going?
Swell. I went from itty to bitty.
That's it. I'm eating chocolates.
If I eat chocolates, I'll get fat.
If get fat, some of it is bound to end up in the right places.
Come on. I mean, maybe we're making too much out of this.
I mean, that's all it is, a big bunch of fat.
Does it really matter?
Did you see the way Cory and Zach were looking at Donna?
What's that? Nougat?
I blame Donna.
So do I. Last semester she was nothing.
What happened?
When's it gonna happen to us?
What if it doesn't?
All right. All right. Listen.
How about this then, okay?
We tell her that she is a very special girl.
I mean, that she's got a lot of great qualities
that some special guy is gonna recognize
when that special guy comes along.
(SNORES)
What, you can do better?
Boring. Come on.
She doesn't wanna talk to us about this.
So it's okay.
And it's not a big deal, okay?
Look, until she's comfortable enough
to come to us with this, then nothin' has happened,
nothing has changed.
Hey, Dads.
Hey, Nick. (SNICKERS)
So... (CHUCKLING)
What's new?
Nothing.
Why?
Oh, nothin'.
I just, uh, noticed somethin' looked different.
What, did you do something to your hair or something?
Same hair.
Really? Same hair?
Isn't that funny? Somehow it looks... Looks bigger.
Come on, Nick.
Where do you think you're goin' with...
With those?
Out.
I'm going to see how my life changes.
Your life's not changing. You are.
Why don't you just take those outta your shirt
and put 'em back in the Kleenex box where they belong, huh?
(SNICKERS)
Hey, Nick, listen...
Listen, you guys, you know, you got...
You're both smart and you're pretty,
and you got a lot of great qualities.
Now, that's all that matters.
You don't know anything.
(BLOWS NOSE)
Look what you did.
What'd I do?
I said that she's smart and she's pretty.
Yeah. Exactly. How would you like it
if somebody said that to you?
I think I would like it.
So what's the problem?
Well, you know... You know when a kid wants a puppy,
and she's gotta have that puppy,
and she's gonna die if she doesn't get that puppy?
So you go to the pet store and you buy her a puppy.
So? So, Nicole wants breasts.
See, her friend Donna's got 'em,
and now Nicole wants 'em.
Everybody wants 'em.
They're all the rage.
Well,
kids don't always get what they want.
Yeah. Well, she's real depressed, Judge.
I mean, she hates her body.
She hates her friend Donna. I think she hates us.
We figure a half hour with you, happy kid.
Thank you.
She hates her friend Donna?
Yeah. And believe me,
we really appreciate you talking to her, all right?
And we wouldn't dream of imposing if it weren't for the fact that,
well, we do it all the time. You seem to enjoy it.
Yeah. Don't know what we'd do without you, Judge.
Really.
You're about to find out.
Huh? What?
Not this time.
Nothing I can do to make her look different.
Yeah. But, you know, maybe, you know,
you could just say somethin', make her feel comfortable.
Except I'm not comfortable talking to her about it.
Why?
I don't want to go into it.
You're the parents. Handle it.
Well, yeah. But, Judge, what she needs is a woman.
That's you.
What she needs is a couple of boobs.
That's you.
You know, sweetie, there comes a time in every girl's life...
How do you know? Huh?
What happens in a girl's life?
I'm saying...
How do you know?
How...
Okay.
Uh, well, let's... Let's start again.
This is gonna be all about how all I have to do is wait.
And then nature will take its course,
and everything is gonna turn out all right.
And there is a tooth fairy.
Look, Nick, we're men, okay?
And we're tellin' you that none of this matters at all. Right.
Now, Zach and Cory, they may be all turned around about this.
That's because they're not used to the physical thing.
See? When they get older,
it's not gonna matter to 'em at all. That's right.
You're older. Right.
And the physical thing doesn't matter to you?
No. I'm not attracted to the what,
I'm attracted to the who.
What about Inge?
Hoo!
I... In defense of Joey, I think that...
What about Brenda?
Brenda... Brenda was a woman?
See, I was not even payin' attention.
That entire relationship, I...
That was a business thing, really, and I always felt that...
But, hey, come on, this is not about us.
This is about you, all right?
And, listen, it's very sound advice we're givin' you.
What we're... This is... It's very good what we're sayin'.
We're very good parents, maybe.
We all know the facts.
You two aren't any different from Cory and Zach.
The only difference is you two have been at it longer.
That is just not true.
Look, uh... Yes, okay, we will admit
a full-figured woman is very attractive.
But that's not what a guy falls in love with.
You know? You fall in love with the whole person.
Okay.
Okay, then let's take two whole people.
Exactly the same.
Same eyes, same hair, same personality.
Except, one has 'em and one doesn't.
Which one do you fall in love with?
Well, that's...
How could you...
Exactly the same hair?
Yes.
Well... Nobody's got exactly the same hair.
It's an... That's an impossible question.
You can't even answer it. It's an impossible question.
It's my hypothetical question, and I say it's possible.
So answer.
Well, it's possible. Maybe, uh, maybe I don't want either one.
They're your fantasy women.
Then I want 'em both.
You can't have 'em both.
It's my fantasy. I want 'em both.
I can't talk to you.
Hey, come on, Nick. We're your fathers.
We're tryin' to understand what you're goin' through, okay?
We're just tryin' to help you.
MICHAEL: Really.
Well, thanks for trying.
Good night.
Good night.
You got your keys?
I don't need my keys.
I can just slide in through the mail slot.
How can they have exactly the same hair?
They just do.
Well, are they twins, or what?
No, they're not twins. One of 'em has 'em, one of 'em doesn't.
Has what? Wigs?
What? What wigs?
Well, if they're not twins, how else would they have the same type of hair?
Julian, it's hypothetical.
Oh, well, I gotta back off if this is a religious thing.
You do have to feel bad for your kid.
Fifteen's a tough age. So many changes.
I was short and skinny.
I hadn't blossomed yet.
Well, you're in full bloom now, babe.
(DOOR BELL RINGING)
Hello, Mr. Harris, Mr. Taylor.
If you're too busy to talk to us, you can just ignore us.
We're playin' poker here, guys.
(BOTH GROAN)
This will take 90 seconds. That's fine.
Good. Yeah.
We'll just, uh, sit here and play solitaire.
I'll deal.
What's up, guys?
You know, I was really looking forward to this party.
I bought this shirt. I even gargled.
Yeah. And I asked Nicole to dance.
She says no.
I said, "You wanna talk?" She said no.
She just sat there in the corner all night
with Shelby and those other girls.
She didn't even look at me.
What do we do?
Was Donna at this party?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Did you by chance stare at Donna at the party?
Why would we stare at Donna?
(SCOFFS) Yeah.
Why would we even look at... Did ya?
How could you not look at Donna?
I mean, while my brain is saying,
"Look away, look away."
But my eyes are saying, "Dixieland!"
Are we evil?
Nah. Look...
Look, you guys, you guys are in hormone hell.
I mean... You said it.
I mean, the good ones...
The good ones are making you grow,
mature, you know, shave.
The other ones are makin' you go,
woo-woo woo-woo-woo...
That's it. And once in a while
the dark side is gonna win.
What are you gonna do?
So you're sayin' this isn't our fault?
No. Hey, you guys are natural.
You're normal. That's it.
So, you're saying we shouldn't feel guilty
about what our hormones are making us do?
No. Absolutely not.
Unless you happen to be in the same room with our daughter,
in which case you better kiss your hormones goodbye.
Oh. My bad hormones have nothing but respect for Nicole.
Mine are afraid of her.
Good. You feel better now?
Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for talking to us.
Hey, come on. You guys know the doors are always open for you.
Yeah? Can we join you for some poker?
No. Get outta here.
You know, for a couple of guys who think they're lousy parents,
you did a good job with those two.
Hey, that was easy.
Yeah. That's because they're boys.
I mean, I wish we had that kinda luck with our daughter.
Boys, boys, you're missing the point.
Which is, you're boys.
This is Mom's area.
Yeah. Unfortunately there's no mom in the area.
Exactly why you need the Judge.
But, yeah, but the Judge is avoidin' us.
Yeah. She never avoids us.
But this time she's avoidin' us.
Hey, at the risk of seeming wise,
I've seen the way she cares about your kid.
The Judge is about the closest thing Nicole has to a mother in this world.
You remind the Judge of that and watch what happens.
Hi.
Hi.
Where are my dads?
The game moved to Julian's.
So, what are you doing here?
Your dads tell me you've got a problem.
You got a problem?
Problem?
No. How can you have a problem when you have no life?
Judge...
I need results here,
or else I need $39.95 for a bosomatic.
Nicole...
You and I know that this is just a matter of time.
I understand that you're feeling self-conscious.
That's a part of most young women's lives.
And how you handle your own self-consciousness
has more to do with your development into womanhood
then how soon your body develops.
That's it?
That's it.
That's all you have to say?
Well, I heard the same thing from my dads.
I thought you'd have something different to tell me.
Oh, do you want to hear something different?
Okay.
I'll tell ya something different.
Until you feel that you've developed,
you're gonna spend your time resenting Donna, aren't you?
A little.
Well, yeah, a lot.
Do you know what she did at this party that I went to?
All the guys were flocking around her, of course.
And as if to rub it in, she kept coming up
trying to talk to me and the rest of the girls.
Like she didn't want the attention
that she was getting from the guys,
and she would rather talk to me.
Yeah. Right.
Boy, there's one like you in every bunch, isn't there?
What?
In my school it was Frances Collier.
Oh. She was the first in your school to develop?
I was the first one in my school to develop.
I had no idea what was happening to me,
and why I was suddenly so popular
with all the boys in my class.
Like Donna is.
And why the girls in my class
made me feel isolated like Donna is.
You were like Donna?
And you're like Frances Collier,
who'd been my friend up until then.
But suddenly she wasn't anymore,
'cause she thought I was too threatening.
When actually I was just plain scared.
You think Donna feels scared?
I know Donna feels scared.
I know exactly why she kept trying to talk to you at the party.
Because it's a very lonely time.
I needed Frances Collier to be my friend as much as Donna needs you.
And I thought I was feeling bad before.
Don't feel bad.
And don't envy Donna.
The reason she's popular is not the kind of popularity you want.
And the boys who ask her out because of the size of her chest,
they're not the boys you want to know.
Thanks for talking to me, Judge.
I'm not done yet.
I made you feel bad?
Here comes the part where I make you feel better.
Goody.
You still smart?
Well...
You still pretty?
Nah.
You still got two dads and a Zach and a Cory
who love you for you?
And you love them for them?
And if Joey loses his hair,
and if Michael's teeth fall out,
and if Zach or Cory don't grow to be six feet tall,
will you love them any less?
No.
Well, you think about that.
You wanna grow?
That's the kind of growing that matters.
Thanks, Judge.
You still love me?
Nah.
You're skinny.
Well, it lets me fit in right here.
Hey.
Hey, Nick.
Hi.
Have a nice talk with the Judge, sweetie?
You like yourself again?
I will in a minute.
Hi, Donna?
It's Nicole.
How've you been?
(MUSIC PLAYING)