Stork (1971) - full transcript

Stork is a 6-foot 7 hypochondriac who dreams of revolution and works at General Motors Holden. He is sacked from his job after doing a strip tease at work and goes to live in a share house in Carlton with his friend Westy and two trendy young men, Tony and Clyde, who share the same girlfriend, Anna. Stork loses his virginity to Anna and falls in love with her.

Do you ever feel guilty, Westy boy?

WESTY: Oh, bloody oath, no.

A few beers with lunch
helps the brain I always find.

No, no, about working
in the automotive industry.

It says here we're helping
to irretrievably pollute the biosphere.

Oh, not me, mate.

I haven't done a scrap of work
for 18 months and neither have you.

That's true. That's true.

Eh, did you hear the boss
got stuck into me about my hair?

Yeah. “Cut it,” he said. “Cut it!”

I wouldn't stand for that, mate.

Don't worry, mate.
Not me, not the old Stork.

If you've got something they want,
then don't let them push you around.

Look, mate, we're as scarce
as hen's bloody teeth.

Oh, I know, mate. I know.

Why do you think they're at the
university months before exam time?

Because we're as scarce
as hen's bloody teeth.

As scarce as hen's bloody teeth.

We've got four years
of specialist knowledge up there.

We don't often use it.
But it's there if they want it.

And that is the point.
That is the bloody point.

They can't afford to push us around.

They're buying our brains, boy.

And it's our bloody business
if we grow a little bit of insulation.

They can't make us do anything.

They can't make me wear a coat and tie.

Of course not.

I don't want to!

We've got them over a barrel, Stork.

They can't make me wear a shirt.

They better not try, boy.

I don't want to!

Every man has the right to his own...


I don't see why a man
has to wear long bloody daks

in the middle of summer either.

Bloody absurd.


God! Stork!

We can't let them
push us around, Westy boy!

They'll take me as I am
or they won't take me at all.


SONG: J' Old Marcuse
He knew a thing or two

J' They're getting at you, boy

J' Cut your hair
Change the clothes you wear

J' They treat you like a toy

J' Let's get off on our big machine

J' They don't know
if they've come or been

J' We've got to create our own scene

J' They're getting

J' Getting at you, boy

J' What did I hear you say?

J' You never heard of Che

J' They're getting at you, Stork

J' We'll join the revolution

J' Against crap, against pollution

J' Let's head out where the air's still clean

J' They don't know
if they've come or been

J' We've got to create our own scene

J' They're getting at you, boy

J' Who'd you vote for now
except Chairman Mao'?

J' They're getting at you, boy

J' They don't believe the air they breathe

J' They've nothing to enjoy

J' We'll hire a jeep and hit the track

J' Get some high and knock up a shack

J' They'll never find us way outback

J' They're getting

J' Getting at you, boy

J' What did I hear you say?

J' You never heard of Che

J' They're getting at you, Stork

J' We'll join the revolution

J' Against crap, against pollution

J' Let's head off where the air's still clean

J' They don't know
if they've come or been?

J' We've got to create our own scene

J' They're getting at you, boy

J' Old Marcuse
He knew a thing or two

J' They're getting at you, boy

J' Cut your hair
Change the clothes you wear

J' They treat you like a toy

J' Let's get off on our big machine

J' They don't know
if they've come or been

J' We've got to create our own scene

J' They're getting

J' Getting at you, boy

J' Stork, Stork, boy. J'

What could I say?

He's lost his job.

He's three miles long.
Where will we put the bastard up?

He could curl up on the couch.

But when someone asks to stay,
ask us first.

Hey, do me up, will you?

What's the trouble?
No trouble.

We've just got a 6'7" deranged
revolutionary called Stork

coming to stay the night.

Who's Stork?


That's Stork?!

Who's got a bloody bottle opener?
G'day, Stork.

Don't 'G'day' me, boy.
Just get me a bloody bottle opener!

Hey, great bird.

This is Anna, Stork.

Who's the lucky man?

Yeah? On with the both of them?

I wouldn't put it as bluntly as that.

Call a spade a spade, moll!

Whoo-ha! The old menage-la-troy, eh?

What a bloody capper!

Hey, what's the smell?

What smell?
The smell, boy.

I got me a great nose for a smell,
and there's a smell.

I'm not staying here if that keeps up.

I think I can smell something.

There's the beer. Get it in ya!


Not before a meal, Stork.
Don't give me that.

What is that smell?
Oh, I don't know.

Got any luggage'?
Stork travels light, boy.

Clothes he wears and half a D.

Get stuck into it, Clyde.

You too, Anna'?
No, thank you.

Now don't get snaky with me, moll.

Anna doesn't touch it.
Bloody poser.

Yes. Well, I think
I'll leave you gentlemen to it.

Knows her place.

Walked out of GM H today.

CLYDE: We know.

I've dropped out.

Get me self some gear, a few beads.

Off to the Ganges
as soon as I can raise the fare.

Might even do Australia on a machine.


Right, that's as far as you come, boy.

What's up, Albert?
Get inside, Madge!

I've just caught one of these
sex-crazed young bikies.

TONY: So you've left General Motors?
Booted out!

WESTY: Good place
to be booted out of too.

First to go come the revolution.

Bloody oath!

Everything's gotta go, boy.

Tear down the old and let the new evolve.

Oh, you're a bull artist, Stork.

When was the last time
you manned the barricades?

Are you trying to deny that this society

is sick and rotten to the core, Clyde?

Stork wouldn't know an anarchist
from an orifice.

Look, I've got a file on me!
Which of you has a file'?

He probably has got a file.

The trouble with you buggers is
you're embedded in the system.

Read Marcuse, boy.

They're getting at you.
You're being manipulated.

Hey, how's the moll situation
around here?

(Splutters) What?

Thought you could fix me up
with a hot moll from the flats round here.

Sure. Maybe you'd like Anna.
No, no, no, no, no!

Thanks all the same.

Hey, how do you two work it?

On a roster system?! (Laughs)

Then again, I must admit,
she is a beautiful woman,

loaded with bourgeois affectations,
of course.

But then again,

a little bit of the old bourgeois
affectation turns me on too.

Do you think that's strange?
Oh, shut up, Stork.

I mean...l mean,
if I was a real gut socialist,

I'd want to smash
every socially affected bitch I met.

But instead of that, I just...
I just want to...

Your talk is mightier than your stalk, boy.

Probably means
I've got a socioeconomic hang-up.


How do they. . . how do they decide
who gets what and where?

TONY: Oh, shut up, Stork.

(Clears throat)

Anna has a delicate little emotional
compass in her head, so she says.

Sometimes it points to Tony
and sometimes it points to me.

Is that what she tells you?
Word for word.

What a load of crap!

(Laughs wildly)

Well, she is inclined to dramatise.

Hey! Hey!

Who's the compass pointing to
tonight, eh?

It's bloody fascinating.

Both of you in the same house!

Bloody fascinating!

Well, a bloody heartless lot
you turned out to be.

CLYDE: What?

Anyone with any sensitivity

would realise that a man
who won't eat breakfast

is emitting a cry of psychological pain.

We thought you had a hangover.

Hey, drop us off here, Anna.

Marcuse is onto this, boy. Right onto it.

Under capitalism,

man is encouraged to no longer
feel responsible to his fellow man.

You'll be looking for a job today'?

I've dropped out, boy. I've dropped out.

Off to the Ganges.
Oh, I don't know.

I've heard a lot of things against
the Ganges. Indians crap in it.

Well, it is their river.

Listen, if you decide to change your mind,

shoot into the Sportsmen's Club
about 2:00.

They might be able to fix you up
with a job, alright?

Anywhere in particular?

Drive, moll, drive.

Leave our past behind us.

Well, actually,
I'm only going as far as the uni.

(Sighs) That'll do.


Today, we are going to lay out
Abraham Maslow

on the table of the intellect

and bring to bear
our scalpels of the mind.

Who will make the first incision'?

Come on. Come on.

Psychology is the study of the mind.

You're not here for decoration.

Although, I must admit,
that some of you are...

...quite decorative.

And some of you aren't.

Perhaps we will start with
this young gentleman here.

What, young man,
do you know of Abraham Maslow'?

He's Jewish.

(Students laugh)

Oh, very good. Very good.

Something else, perhaps?

He's a Jewish psychologist.

We have a giant intelligence here.

If one puts one's ear close to the skull,

one can almost hear
the roaring of neural activity.

(Students laugh)

What, young man, are your thoughts
on Maslow's motivational hierarchy?

If one looks closely
at Maslow's middle level,

what does one see'?

I reckon he gets a little bit hairy
around that area.

You are suggesting that
his thoughts are a little kinky.

It doesn't wash with me, mate.

I see.

And if we look at Maslow's lower levels...

...has he enough support'?

If he hasn't,
he can always wear a jockstrap.

(Students laugh)

I see we have a comedian in our midst.

Are you aware, young man,
we have a lady of the cloth present

who may find your humour
somewhat offensive?

There's nothing offensive
about a jockstrap.

It's what's in it
you've got to worry about!

(Students laugh)

I would suggest, sir,
you are a fool, a buffoon and a nuisance.

I suggest you keep your mouth shut
for the remainder of the lecture.

I suggest, sir,
you stop perving on the moll.

Keep your eyes off Anna!

I beg your pardon!

I pay tax money for you to teach,
not perv on the moll.

Who is this man?
I've never seen him before.

Squealer! Marcuse is onto your lot.

I'm certain he doesn't attend lectures.

Marcuse is onto you too.

I must ask you to leave.

Can you design a four-speed
synchromesh gearbox?


(Scoffs) Yeah.




Hey, here's one that'd suit you, Stork.

The Australian Council of Trade Unions
is advertising for an assistant secretary.


Alright, Dick. Wage justice.

We'd like to, Graham,
but the big boys are leaning on us.

Do you know what, Dick?

You're nothing but a hireling
of the oppressors.


Take away your title, take away your wig,

take away your robes,
and what have you got?

Six months for indecent exposure.

ANNA: Hey, how about this one, Stork?

“Engineers required for Australian
Trust Territory in Antarctica.”

Give it a rest.

100 degrees below and no molls?


How's the fuel?

Enough for a week, if we're lucky.

Food will last four days...
for the three of us.

If there were two of us,
it could last a week.

Well, fellas, I...

...I think I'll take a little walk in the snow.

I may be gone a while.

Stork, boy, I'll write you into my memoirs.

Two chapters.

Farewell. . . mate.

Easy, boy, easy.
I'm just gonna strangle a darkie.

You said you'd be gone a while.

I get constipated in cold weather.

Stork, you can't go in looking like that.

Why not?
I'm gonna introduce you to my boss.

He's a top bloody consultant.

Come on.

You must be joking.

How many of them
are running around the city, eh?

Watch it, fella.

If I took a size 32 chest
and stretched it on the rack for a week,

hmm, maybe we could do something.

Just do the best you can, will you?

Uh, what's the weather like up there?

(impatiently) Watch it, fella!

You ever get giddy from lack of oxygen?

Bloody little newt.

Got it in for me
'cause I'm tall, fair and Nordic.

Now, no politics, and don't tell him
you went to Monash.



G'day, Alan.

A friend of mine, Graham Wallace.

Top-notch mechanical engineer.

Sit down, fellas.

Eating, fellas?

Just jumping up and down.

Three beers, thanks,

and, um...parmigiana.

What's that'?

Well, uh, it's a veal done in wine sauce

with...grilled cheese on top.

Do you serve prawns? (Chuckles)

Curried prawns.

Oh, fair enough.

You're with GMH, Graham?
Uh, at the moment. At the moment.

Not happy with them?

Well, it's not so much
that I'm unhappy with them, Alan.

It's just that one is always looking
for something more challenging.

Quite so. Quite so.

Stork was, uh...uh, a story he told me

was that there wasn't much
in the way of technical innovation

in the automotive industry
at the moment, Alan.

True. Very, very true.


You haven't any postgraduate
training in management, Graham.

No, I'm not really interested
in management.

Why not'?

I couldn't manage my own bowels
till I was five.


What did you want to be doing
ultimately, Graham?

Um, Graham's at a decision plateau
right now, Alan.

Planning, Graham -
that's the name of the game.

We have to be making these moves
for the future all the time.

The human being
is the finest information processor

that's ever been devised.

Judgments, estimations,
calculations, predictions,

and outputs, outputs, outputs.

All the time, outputs.

Yeah, well...l don't know
what you'll say, Alan,

but, I mean, well...
well, often I ask myself,

“What's the point?!"

What's the point'?

Uh, well, look, how do you know
you haven't got cancer of the bowel?


Well...often I think to myself
that I'll really put in an effort.

Outputs, outputs, outputs, outputs -
just like you say.

Now, take this morning, for instance.

Now, the first thing I said to myself
when I got up was

it was about time I got myself
a bit of a...a woman.

It's a perennial problem of mine,

and I started to work out a few strategies,

when all of a sudden I ran my tongue
around my bloody gum.

And there's this lump here, you see'?

It's still there.

And I said to myself,
“What's the use, you stupid bugger?

“You've gone and got yourself
cancer of the bloody gum."

(Laughs) Graham keeps joking
about his symptoms.

It gives us all a laugh.


Well, if that really represents
your outlook on life, Graham,

I'd start getting worried.

I would if I didn't have cancer of the gum.

Good one. Good one. He keeps
throwing these little jokes in.

Marvellous effect on office morale, Alan.

Three more beers, thanks.

Just a word of advice, Graham.

Not that I mind, of course,

but, uh, a lot of top-level executives

might not appreciate this sort of thing
at the first meeting.

Another thing...

Something wrong, Graham?

What's the reputation of this joint like'?

What do you mean?

They don't reheat their old food, do they?

I'm sure they don't.

I reckon I got a crook bloody prawn.

My mother always said
to watch the seafood.

You can bloody near die
if the bacterial activity gets too high.

Oh, come on, Stork. Enough's enough.

I reckon I better go out to the dyke
and chuck this lot up -

stick my fingers down my throat.

(Laughs politely)

That routine kills them at GMH.

Funny guy...Stork.


That's right, yes. I'm doing my doctorate.
I'm writing my thesis at the moment.

How very thrilling.

Yes. Atomic physics.
How exciting.

And your mother?
She's fine, thanks.

We've grown out of touch recently.
I really must give her a ring soon.

So nice to have seen you.
Oh, 'bye.

Jesus, you can stack on a BBC
when you want to.

Something very familiar
about all this stuff.

I had no idea you were so up with
the avant-garde, Stork.

(Clears throat) Oh, excuse me.

Weird stuff, Stork.

Something very familiar
about all this, mate.

Yeah, I got the same feeling.

Assemblage, yes.
Oh, listen to it!

But he takes it further.

Much further than, say,
Stankowicz or Kibble.

Take this...this piece here.

Here, we see the...the artist's, um,
groping for the poetic reference

of, um...disintegration and wastage.

It constitutes, in fact,
a...well, an open-ended comment

on the, um...on the affluent society.

Excuse me while I chunder.

You ought to hear him crapping on
at home, mate.

Modern jazz, and the bugger's tone-deaf.

Art movies,
and he only reads the reviews.

Something's gonna have to be done
about him, mate.


Frankie bloody Dork!
What are you doing in a place like this?

Oh, Stork! Westy!

I'm the bloody artist.

Nah! You're joking!

Beats boilermaking at General Motors.

What, you left the General?
Blood oath.

Couldn't express my inner tensions.

Come here.

That's a Holden camshaft. Recognise it?

Do I'? I made a minor design change
on that spindle there.

Yeah, well, if you look here,
I bolted a piston on.

Normally, you'd go for
a Holden piston, wouldn't you?

Your mind would be set in that direction.

Holden camshaft, Holden piston.

I suppose. Yeah.

This is where your creative talent
comes in.

I whacked on a little Torana piston.

Gives you a funny feeling, Stork.
Bloody oath.

Hey, do you earn a living
out of this, Frank'?

How does 15 big ones grab you?

Got a spare blowtorch. (Whistles)

Oh, that's not the reason I do it.

I want to leave something behind me
on this planet, Stork.

Jesus, Frankie!

That's bloody great!

ANNA: So vibrant, Stork.

And the colours are so rich.

Is this a landscape or an abstract?

I call them 'chunderscapes', kid.

They're, uh, non-figurative.

Could I w...

No, I don't suppose I could ask you.

Come on, kid.

Could I actually watch you working?

Why not?
I'm just about to start on a canvas.


(Sighs contentedly)

(Whispers) Right.




It's fascinating watching you, Stork.


There's something...chilling
about the act of creation.

How do you know so exactly
what's...just right?

Well, that's a...hard question
to ask an artist, kid.

I mean, it... just sort of...comes out.


Critics are calling this

the most intoxicating new art form
this century.

Uniquely Australian.

Yeah, but what craps me are the...

...are those people
who reckon anyone can do it.

Oh, you always get that sort of thing.

You've got to eat the right food

and you've got to drink
the right beer and...


I...l think I can feel the...creative impulse.

Here comes $10,000!


Oh, here we go again.

See that old bitch? Bought my best
piece at my last three exhibitions.

Jeez, I wouldn't complain.

Ah, it all sells anyhow, mate.

Oh, I'd give my right arm
to louse up that sale.

Has anybody else asked about it?

Yes, one of the public collections
has expressed interest in it.


There's no doubt about you,
Mrs Grange-Simmons.

This is certainly the pick of the show.

You really think so'?
Oh, yes.

And I say that not just because of,

well, its superb manipulation
of its spatial elements,

nor because of its sheer sensuality,

but really because this represents

the private parts
of the artist's consciousness

which he dare not reveal to anyone.

Oh, the bitch is gonna buy it.


This calls for
the old smoked oyster routine.

What's that'?
What's that'?

Haven't you seen it?

Oh, it's a bloody beauty. I'll show you.

Stand over there, Westy,
and act the part of the old Toorak tart.

(Plummy accent) Over here?

(Giggles affectedly)

You right?

OK, now, I'm coming towards you
with the horses' doovers, you see'?

And as I come towards you,

I stuff a smoked oyster
up my nostril like this.

And I come towards you like this.

(Affectedly) “Uh, excuse me, madam,
but have you got a handkerchief?"

Now, fumble around. Just fumble around.

“Uh, never mind, Miss."

(Both laugh)

Bloody beauty, eh?
Bloody beauty, Stork.

That'll kill any sale.
Not bad, is it'?

It's a bloody beauty.
Get out there and kill them, Stork.

Go on, give us a beer first.

Can't wait to see the look on Tony's face.

This... (Laughs)

This'll really strip a layer
off his social veneer.

Get out there, Stork,
before the bitch buys it.

Give us a beer first!
Sure thing.

Got to whip up
a bit of the old courage, hey?

Yeah. Sure thing.

Hey, you reckon I ought to do it?
Bloody oath. And quick.

I don't really want to make
too much of a fool of old Tony.

It's a great gag, Stork.

They'll laugh themselves...sick.

Yeah, the place needs livening up.

Oh, it's a bloody funny stunt.

Oh, it goes over tremendously.

(Both laugh)

I killed them. I killed them.

You should've seen the look
on the old cow's face.

(Laughs) I was...

(Angrily) Very funny.


Very bloody funny!

Big joke, West.

I suppose you put him up to it.

Well, you've made a bloody fool
of yourself, Stork.

He's in a state, isn't he?

I was pretty bloody good.

I rammed it in so hard,
I had to shake my head to get it out!

It was pretty good all the same.
I'll drink to that.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey, Frankie?

Are they a good catering mob?

I think so.

They, uh...they would be
fresh oysters, wouldn't they?



Hey, Westy!

Hey, Westy, you bloody little
vacant halfwit, get out here!

The smell's still here.

Getting worse.

TONY: He's sleeping.

7:30, and the bastard's sleeping!

Sleeping! Always sleeping!

The body of a youth
and the metabolism of an octogenarian.

What'? Hey, Tony?

Come and have a beer, mate.
I'm working.

Probably still shirty about the oyster.

Thanks, Mother.

Righto, Stork.

It's 17 minutes into the last quarter

and the Magpies are trailing by 11 points.

Two straight kicks the difference.

Now, there's a slight crosswind
favouring neither goal

but making it advantageous
to kick via the scoring flank,

which in this case
is the Members Stand wing.

(Groans contentedly)

Umpire Jolley bounces the ball
in the centre.

And big 'Jerker's up, and with a
mighty punch gets it back to Thommo,

who picks it up like a bloody rover.

McKenna's sprinting towards
the scoring pocket like a bloody hare!

The bloody crowd go wild!




Stork turns and,
with a beautiful drop-punt,

steers it through the centre.


And the Pies are only five points
down approaching time-on period.

Time for a quick drink before the bounce.

(Groans contentedly)

Just keeping fit. (Laughs awkwardly)


How are things at uni'?

Oh, the lectures are pretty dull
these days.

Uh...would you like to be Carlton?

Collingwood are kicking towards
the Jollimont end

and Carlton
are kicking towards the footbridge.


Um, well...

...we've just booted a goal
but you're still ahead by five points

and there's danger of a run-on.

Well, what's that'?

It means
we're psychologically aroused

and we may play above ourselves.

You're gonna have to defend like hell.

Well, I don't know if I should
if you're psychologically aroused.

Well, uh...well, the ball
is about to be bounced in the centre

and you've got to contest the knock
with me.

Well, you're taller than I am.

Oh, look, jump, woman. Just jump.



What happens now'?

Well, if we weren't being watched
by 100,000 pairs of beady eyes,

I could think of something.

(Clears throat)

What's going on?
Stork and I were playing football.

You coming?

Clyde and Tony are taking me to dinner.
I'd better get ready.



Must remember to thank the old girl
for the socks.

Bloody awful socks, Mum,
but great footballs.

Must get her to knit me a jumper
next time.

I could do with a bedspread.

It's bloody cold in winter.



(Gasps for breath)

Bloody thing's gonna stop!

I don't care what the doctor said!

You're going out.

You can't expect a poor little muscle
to keep pounding away for years

against clogged arteries.

They shouldn't tell you these things.

I haven't been game
to tackle preserved peaches

ever since I read about botulism.

In two seconds, double vision.

Five, and you're dead!


MAN: All flesh is grass.

Ashes to ashes, dust unto dust.

What can one say
to comfort his loved ones

except “We shall miss him”?

Speak for yourself!

It took my six weeks to knit him a pullover

and then he goes and pegs out on me.

It won't fit anyone else.
(Clears throat)

We shall not see his like again.

You wouldn't be so sanctimonious

if you knew about
that smoked oyster routine.

Or at Leon's Bistro,
where the stupid bastard...

Or the tutorial...

(All talk at once)

CLYDE: Stupid bastard.

He was an atheist, you know'?

I thought I heard someone out here.
What are you doing, Stork?

I'm going out.

Dressed like that'?
Out of the world, you silly moll!

I'm dying.

Oh, yeah? What of?
Heart, maybe.


Doctor says acute indigestion

but I reckon he's withholding something.


Weakened by botulism, poor little bastard,

fighting to get the old corpuscles
through clogged arteries.

Stork, you're a hypochondriac.

I sat down today and worked out
a truly terrifying figure.

I didn't have anything else to do,
so I-l worked it out.

Alright, if your arteries clog
to half their normal diameter,

your. . . heart has to work
32 times as hard!

That is a chilling figure.

32 times!

Poor little bastard.

I wouldn't have thought it would be 32.

Neither would I,
but you have to believe it now, don't you?

Bugger science.

Bugger technology.


Who are you with tonight?

You must think it's a bit odd

the way I alternate
between Clyde and Tony.

Yeah, I do. It turns me on.

It's quite possible to have

a simultaneous commitment
to two people, you know'?

Yes, well, I'd be quite prepared to believe

you could have
a simultaneous commitment to three.

I thought you were dying.

Well, it says something
for my courage, doesn't it?

Have you ever asked yourself
why I'm doing it?



Consider a man who's resolute,

determined, ambitious,
commanding, witty,

well on his way to being
a considerable success in life.

And consider also

a man who's well-read,

stylish, well-connected,

culturally aware.

Who am I describing?
Chairman Mao.

(Laughs) Seriously.

Oh, look, I don't know.

Well, put Clyde and Tony together
and what have you got?

Two consenting male adults.

ANNA: Stork, it's important to me

that you don't see me as
just some shallow little hedonist.

I've never thought of you
in that way before.

Up until now.


Look, on the surface I...
I may seem cool and in control,

but underneath
there is a core of genuine feeling.

I want you to believe that.

Oh, I can... I can believe...believe that.

No. I want you to believe, Stork!
Really believe.

I'm trying, moll. I'm trying.

Stork, I want to confide in you,
not get perved on.

It's just that I love the way you breathe.

Stork, I wish you'd take me a person.

I'll give it a try, moll.

Sit down.

I don't know where to start.
Start by moving back a bit.

It's the men, Stork.

I feel an awful guilt
at what I must be doing to them

and the relationship between them.


Well, it can't be too pleasant
for a man to be fighting

for a sense of personal adequacy, can it?


That's what I'm forcing them
to do, though -

sampling and comparing
their personal adequacies,

the one with the other.

Can you understand why I feel guilt?
Oh, for sure, for sure.

Can you understand why I'm doing it?

I was wondering about that.

Stork, I'm the sort of person who...

...believes in their feelings,

and feelings must flow -
they can't be dammed.

Be damned.

(Anna sighs)

I can't be constrained
by arbitrary social norms, Stork.

One day I may make a commitment,
but not yet.

You're waiting for the emotional
compass to settle, are you?


Oh, it's a little analogy I use
to describe decisions

that aren't really rational -
decisions of commitment, that is.

I liken it to the settling
of an emotional compass in my mind.

(Gasps) That's amazing!

Yes, it is a pretty clever
little analogy, isn't it?

I call it the emotional compass analogy.

Eventually the needle points...

M m?

You're not gonna believe this.
I know.

I use the very same analogy.

I don't believe it!

I mean, I'd be prepared to believe

an emotional scales-in-the-balance
type analogy.

Now, that one, a lot of people use.

But, by God, the compass!
The compass is mine!

You realise what this means, Stork?

It means, in some mysterious way,
our minds are attuned.

Do you know what that's called?


It means we have the capacity

to develop a thoroughgoing
cerebral relationship.

Well, I don't know whether
it's a very good idea

to divorce the mind from the body, Anna.

Now, I feel a total relationship
just might be more therapeutic.

Stork, what I need from you is empathy.

But I feel I could give so much more.

Stork, I already have
two total relationships.

A cerebral one is all I could fit in.

Well...well, couldn't we start
with a quick total relationship

and drift back
to something cerebral later?

Don't spoil it, Stork.

This new relationship of ours
is very important to me.

I need empathy.

Yeah. Well, any time.

What good's
a bloody cerebral relationship

to a man with clogged arteries'?

You bitch, Mother.

Every morning of my young life,
a bloody coddled egg for breakfast.

And there was I, defenseless,

and unable to shake off
the maternal yoke.


Pump, you bastard, pump!


(Plays lively harmonica melody)

SONG: J' I remember last election
Jim Jones got in action

J' Said he'd vote for the man
who paid the biggest price

J' The next day at the polls
He voted with heart and soul

J' But instead of voting once,
he voted twice

J' He's in the jailhouse now

J' He's in the jailhouse now

J' Instead of staying at home

J' Letting that
white folks' business alone

J' He's in the jailhouse now

J' You remember Henry Crew

J' He sold that no-good brew

J' He sold it to the police on the beat

J' Now Henry's feeling funny

J' The police gave him marked money

J' He's got a ball and chain
around his feet

J' He's having a ball
J' He's in the jailhouse now

J' He's in the jailhouse now

J' The judge gave him three years
And Henry's shedding tears

J' He's in the jailhouse now


J' Well, Tom was walking down the street

J' A little chick he chanced to meet

J' Went to every cabaret in town... J'

Stork, old cock, why aren't you
in there culling yourself a bird?

'Cause it's too bloody early
in the evening.

There's a lot of strategy involved, mate.

(Scoffs) Come on.
There is!

Jeez, that smell's potent.

So, this is strategy, is it -

sitting here
with your head buried in a book?

If you make your move too early,
you run out of conversation.

I reckon we ought to do something
about the old Stork.

How do you think Helena would go?


SONG: J' Who walks in when I walk out'?
Don't you know you're my baby?

J' Who's that?
Who's that got me jealous of you?

J' Who walks in when I walk out?
Who's stolen your heart, baby?

J' Who's that?
Who's that got me worrying too?

J' Oh, when we kiss, I kinda miss
something that used to be

J' Because every day when I'm away

J' Who walks in when I walk out?
Don't you know you're my baby?

J' Who's that?
Who's that got me jealous of you... J'

Hello, Helena.

How are you?
What can I do for you?

(Mouths words silently)

SONG: J' Bom, bom, bom

J' Bom, bom, bom, bom,
bom, bom, bom... J'

You expecting someone?
Get lost!

Hey, Stork.

How do you like me new clothes?
Bloody awful.

Oh, Anna said I looked
rather my own way.

You look like a bloody little poofter.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Go and have a look at yourself.

Pissed to the eyeballs.

Well, I'm of good pioneering stock.

A face that only Wangaratta could spawn.

Stork, have you ever felt
the lure of the soil?


The black earth, Stork,
sucking in God's rain,

fondling the golden grain
till an eruption bursts into life!

Back off, you poofter! Back off!

What we've lost in these bloody
great polluted cities, Stork,

is our...our link with the earth.

Haven't you ever felt sometimes that
you'd like to get down on your knees

and make love to 10 acres of outback'?

Jesus, West!

Just you and the black earth, Stork.
The primordial challenge!

Land, land, bring forth of your abundance

that I and my family might live!

The point is, Stork,
there's cheap land in the west

and a fortune to be made
from soya beans.

Soya beans'?
Bloody oath, mate.

I'll put up the capital.
You can buy in out of the profits.

No-one to boss you around -

just you, your own sweat,
and the black earth!

How's it sound, eh?


It's my turn to pull, Stork.

Oh, you haven't the stamina, little fella.

But we've ploughed 6O acres, Stork,
and it's still not breakfast.


You cunning little rat!

It could be a good lurk.

Come outside
and I'll show you something. Come on.

WESTY: Have you been
down here, Stork?

STORK: It's the bloody Black Hole
of Calcutta!

I can give you earth, boy,
and I can give you growth, living growth.


Oh, come on, West,
here in the bloody cellar?

Take a look. (Grunts)

(Gasps) Oh, it's the smell!

It's the bloody smell!

That's the smell
of a crop of mushrooms, Stork...

(Coughs) ..pushing their way up soil.

(Coughs and gasps)

(Both cough and gasp)

This may be virgin soil, West,
but these mushrooms are stuffed.

I've got this little friend that
I really think you ought to meet.

Little? What do you mean little'?
Well, he's about 6'4".

Oh, that's alright.
Oh, good.

What do you want me for'?

SONG: J' Time to kiss

J' And in the glimmer of moonlight

J' I'll hear a little song something like this

J' Like what, Ernie'?
J' Like this

J' If you like a ukelele lady

J' Ukelele lady like-a you

J' If you like to linger where it's shady

J' Ukelele lady linger too

J' If you kiss a ukelele lady

J' And you promise ever to be true

J' And she sees another ukelele

J' Lady fooling round with you... J'


Get lost, West.

You Graham Wallace?

I believe you're interested in,
uh, meeting me.

I'm Helena Elk.

L...was thinking about it in a sort of way.


I spilled beer over my daks.
Yeah, I've heard that one before.

You just keep your daks on, boy,

till we get a few things straightened out.

Now, I don't intend to be used
as a purely sexual object.

That's fair enough.
And I'm not a lesbian.

I'm a normal woman
with normal desires...

...except I will not submit to
the demeaning concept of womanhood

which you bastards have forced upon us.

Do you understand?


Do you think so'?

Do you know what?

There's a woman Shakespeare

lying dead in some obscure
English cemetery because of you.

And a woman Beethoven

and a woman Rembrandt
and a woman Einstein.

They were strangled at birth, Wallace -

squeezed into slavery
by men like yourself!

Now...l-l don't think that's entirely...

Well, what have you done about it, hey?

I mean, I haven't seen you out
demonstrating or writing pamphlets

or picketing the cosmetic industry.

You're just another small 'm' man,
aren't you, Wallace'?

Would you like a beer?

Now, there's two ways
we can go about this.

Either we can treat each other
as purely sexual objects

and get stuck into it right away,

or you could treat me as a sexual object

and we'd have a hell of a row
about it later.

Which do you prefer?

Uh, well, it's a difficult question
to answer, isn't it?

I mean, they've both got
their disadvantages, haven't they?

I think I prefer the second.
I like a gutsy man.

Look, look, look, Helena,
I'd better lay this on the line.

I've gotta go out and, uh...


That's OK. I'll wait here.



I am about to be castrated.

Helena Elk. (Laughs)

I think I'd rather stay a...

...stay a...than...than that.

Are you a virgin, Stork?

Look, moll.
Do you think I've been rushed?


SONG: J' There's a light
J' There's a light

J' Across the valley

J' There's a light
J' There's a light

J' Under the sea

J' But a brighter, brighter light is shining

J' Inside you, dear
Inside me, ooh

J' There's a light
J' There's a light

J' Under the ocean

J' There's a light
J' There's a light

J' Inside that tree

J' Oh, but a brighter, brighter light
is shining

J' Inside you, dear
Inside me

J' Once when I was walking
through the valley

J' The night was dark
and a way could not be found

J' Slipped and almost fell
into the river, yes I did

J' And I thank God
that the moon came out

J' Otherwise I would've drowned

J' And there's a light
J' There's a light

J' Across the valley

J' There's a light
J' There's a light

J' Under that sea

J' But a brighter, brighter light is shining

J' Inside you, dear
Inside me

J' Alright, honey


J' Well, learn a little truth in every story

J' Learn a little wisdom every day

J' When the world hangs heavy
on your shoulder, my little friend

J' Just sink inside yourself and say

J' Oh, there's a light
J' There's a light

J' Across the valley

J' There's a light
J' There's a light

J' Under the sea

J' But a brighter, brighter light is shining

J' Inside you, dear
Inside me

J' Inside you, dear
Inside me

J' Inside you, dear

J' Inside me. J'


What are you doing?

Well, I thought perhaps
we'd better be going.


Well, I thought perhaps back to the party.


Anna, baby!

They'll miss us if we don't get back soon.

You can forget that scene, moll.

Did we or did we not arrive at
a great physiological truth

beneath those sheets'?

Don't let's get overdramatic.
Dramatic! Answer me this.

Was I or...was I not...


Of course you were.
But it wouldn't be right to...

To what?

To break it off with Clyde and Tony
just like that.

Haven't you read Norman Mailer?

Oh, you dumb moll.

Look, when two people make it
to the big crashing 'O',

well, that's it, baby.

That's what it's all about.


It's objective, it's empirical,

and that, baby, is what the world needs.

An end to crap. Back to the orgasm.
Nature's answer to the drug menace.

There is a lot of truth in what you say.

Look, you can forget Clyde, forget Tony.

You and I are now cohabiters.

Oh, Stork.

Oh, look, follow the truth
in your body, Anna.

You're now my woman.

I wish it were as simple as that,
Stork, but the fact is,

the physical side of things
isn't really all that important.

Hey, wait a minute!
Do you mean to say that...

In all fairness, Stork, I have to admit

that I've already found
a type of fulfillment with...

Clyde and Tony?
Well, mm-hm.

So the way it was tonight had nothing
to do with a feeling between us'?

Of course it did.

Or with my virility?

Of course it did, but...

But what?

I'm the type of woman who...
responds to men.

Oh, charming!

I guess I must be wired up the right way.

If you don't mind...

I just thought it would be best
if I told the truth.

No, go on. I feel great.

Stork, all I'm trying to say is that

I don't set much store
by the purely physical.

Gee, if I did I wouldn't look past Clyde

'cause as far as
pure technique goes he...


Oh, well, he is very experienced.

And Tony - while he sometimes
expresses himself

in rather devious ways...

I didn't realise I was up against
such a talented opposition.

It isn't the technicalities, Stork.
It's the person.


You've dealt a death blow
to my masculinity, Anna -

a death blow.

It may never rise again.


I want us to go on.

Believe me.

But for the time being,
it might be best if the others didn't know.


Don't worry.
I wouldn't be game to tell them.

I really love you, Stork.


And I really love Clyde.

And even poor old hung-up Tony.

What about Westy?

Who told you about Westy?


Oh, God, moll!

Well, I feel a great love for
the people I'm closest to, Stork.

It'd be wrong to hold it back. Wouldn't it?

If you keep not holding it back so often,

one of these days
someone's gonna call you promiscuous.


As I recall, the arrangement
was for one night only.

He's been here six months.

I don't think
we'll ever get rid of the bastard.

Stork, play your bloody card.

I'm thinking.

Takes a while to go from brain to hand.

Takes a fair while to find the brain too.

Play one of the nice ones, Stork,
with the pictures on it.

Playing cards?

WESTY: We're going on a train trip.

Would you like a cup of coffee?
No, thanks.

TONY: Oh-ho-ho! Very good.

WESTY: Did you have a club, Stork?
Yeah, I was sa...saving it.

(Westy laughs)

Will you be playing cards long'?

(Tony laughs)

Good, I...well...


I'd like to say a few words.

Mind if we finish our game first?

Of course not.

Thank you. I think something's up.


Hang on.

Well, the fact is, something's come up...

...or will come up shortly.

You're pregnant!

You're on the pill.

I stopped.


I just stopped.

Well, you don't just stop taking the pill.

Well, I did.

Why do you think?
I don't know.

Neither do I.

Are you pregnant'?

Yes, I am.

Well, whose is it?

How would I know'?

TONY: Well, you'll just have to
have an abortion.

Why would I have to have an abortion?

Because you will.
Clyde and I will go halves.

I'm not going to.

TONY: Not a backyard job.
We'll get the best surgeon in the game.

I'm not going to.

Well, how far gone are you?

Six weeks.
Well, there's no problems.

We've got a family friend
who's a top obstetrician.

I'm not having an abortion!
Why not?

I'm going to have it.

Ah, you're going to have it adopted?

I'm gonna keep it.

For God's sake, woman, be reasonable.

CLYDE: You wanna keep it?
That's what I said.

Don't get mad at me.
I'm not getting mad at you!

You are.

What do you want us to do?
That's up to you.

Thanks. That's a great help.
I'm sorry!

CLYDE: Look, Anna...
What do you want us to do?

I don't want you to do anything.
Look, let's just be realistic.

You have gone and got yourself pregnant
for some bloody obscure reason.

You don't know whose it is.

What do you expect us to do?
Toss for the kid?

It's my baby.

Then what are we supposed to do?

“What are we supposed to do?"
It's a fair enough question.

Do what you bloody well like.

Look, I wouldn't mind.

If it was my kid I'd take responsibility.

However, it does dull the edge a bit
knowing it could be Clyde's.

No of fence, Clyde.
I don't think it matters whose kid it is.

Well, I think it does to some extent.

I don't think it matters whose kid it is.

It mightn't be either of yours.


Well, if we're gonna get
all hung-up on parentage,

then it could be Stork's.


WESTY: Stork's'?!

You slept with...? When did that...'?

You must be joking.


Are you on the level?

It could be Westy's too.

I don't think that's very likely.

Have you been to bed
with Stork and Westy?

Not very often...with me.

Yes, I have. So what?

So what?

So what?!
You're a bloody nymphomaniac!

It only happened once...and a half.

You little bloody rat.
What about Stork?

Stork's a mental defective...
You think you own her?!

When was the last time it happened?!

You're making a mountain
out of a molehill!

Oh, thanks!

Sorry. I didn't mean it that way.
Honestly, Anna. Stork and Westy?

Yeah, what was it?
'Be Kind To Dumb Animals' week'? Oh!

Can't you take it?

You've been sniggering
under your breath for months.

I ought to smash your face!
What about Stork?

I'll tell you what,

I'm not stopping round here

to father something
that could look like...that.

What'll your father say?

I don't know and I don't care.

Anna, you'll just have to
face up to the fact

that society doesn't cater for kids with...

...with four fathers.

You conformist bastard.

Shut your neck, Stork.

Watch your language, Father!

I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

We could all stay here.

The more father figures a kid has,
the better adjusted he is.

CLYDE: Shut your neck!

You just can't accept
that Anna finds me attractive.

(Laughs) For Christ's sake,
face up to yourself for once.

Look, I don't need any of you!

I can look after myself.

CLYDE: Something's gotta be done.


God, have you ever seen anything
as stupid as a bloody sheep?

(Sheep bleats)
I'm not saying.

(Clyde laughs)

Go on. Get lost, you dumb,
woolly bastard!

Get lost!

(Sheep bleats)

(Sheep bleats)

Oh, bugger!
I cut my bloody hand on its horn.

Dumb animal!

Hey! It's not moving.

What have you done to it, Stork?

Look what it did to me.
Bloody near gored me.

It's dead!

Ooh, you've given it
a bloody seizure, Stork!

CLYDE: Stork, do you know how much
these things are worth'?

WESTY: Jesus, it's dead!

Well, couldn't be much
of a bloody sheep anyway

if it couldn't have taken a joke.

Bloody dumb animal!

Oh, jeez, look at your suit, Stork.
Bugger my suit.

We'll have to front in about 10 minutes.
Brush it down, will you?

So I look pretty for all the alfs?

Well, alright. lt's just to please the folks.

Doesn't matter if I get
a little dust on my suit, does it?

I've still got that gorgeous
14-carat band in my pocket.

If that's how you feel, then fine.

It's a sell-out! Anna doesn't want it!

Anna doesn't know what she wants.

Anna was perfectly happy
going along as we were.

Well, I wasn't.

You think you're what Anna's been
looking for all her life, Mr Right?

Mr Far bloody Right?!

At least I'm not a hopeless...

You're a bourgeois licker
of the establishment posterior.

As far as I'm concerned, you can
stick this ring up your Khyber.

If that's the way you feel.
It's the way I feel.

Sorry, old cock. I don't think
I can sit through the ceremony either.


(Puffs) Thought you'd never ask,
old chap.




Ladies and gentlemen,

if I could have your attention
for just one moment...

I'm sorry to interrupt
the eating and the drinking...

(Guests groan)

...but I believe I am obliged
to say a few words.

(Guests cheer)

Now, we're here today

to celebrate the marriage
of my lovely daughter.

(Guests cheer)

And I'm...I'm very glad
that we're here today

to celebrate the marriage
of my lovely daughter

because I believe that... lovely daughter
will find in...well, in marriage...

testing. Can you hear me?

...happiness that one finds
in marriage.

(Guests cheer)

STORK: Three, four...
Can you hear me?

Now, I haven't known, um...
I haven't known...


I haven't known Clyde for very long,
but in the short time I have,

I have been very impressed
with his attitude to life

and with his...with his friends also.

STORK: Attention, please.
The ceremony you are...

Now, one of his friends, Tony... (Laughs)

...Tony. ..
(Crowd cheers) here today as best man.

I'm pleased to see Tony
here today as best man.

We're very pleased indeed.
So thank you, Tony.

STORK: ..should be banned
from any enlightened society

along with the chopping block
and the chastity belt.

What was that'?
CLYDE: It was nothing.

ANNA: It's OK, Dad.

Right. I think I've said enough, don't you?

Good. Righto.

So now I'll hand the floor over
to Uncle Jack.

(Guests cheer)

MAN 1: Jack!
MAN 2: There we are.

MAN 1: You tell 'em, Jack.

MAN 3: Onya, Jack.
There we are.

I'm one of the very few men
who can claim the privilege

of having seen Anna
without a stitch of clothing on.

(Guests laugh)

(Clears throat) Today is the day,
good people,

when innocence blossoms
into womanhood.

STORK: Ladies and gentlemen...

(Men roar)

STORK: Like the monarchy,
like the law,

marriage is a hangover from the past.

JACK: We are witnessing
a solemn pledge today.

Marriage enslaves women
and castrates men.

Man to woman, woman to man,

to have and to hold.

I'm sure there will be
lots of having and holding

if Clyde's got any sense,

because he's getting the finest bit
of selective breeding

we've ever seen up Eltham way.

STORK: Attention.

Marriage is a jackboot on the fragile
neck of human...

JACK: Look at her, ladies and gentlemen.

STORK: You are witnessing a farce.

Marriage is a cancer
of the revolutionary womb.

JACK: Just look at her.

STORK: A symbol of servitude...
JACK: Clear of eye, proud of head.

STORK: ..the chains men used to lead
away their wives in the slave market.

JACK: Long of flank. Round of rump.

STORK: Marriage makes harlotry legal.

JACK: As I stand here now,
looking at Anna,

in her symbolic gown of pristine white,

um... makes me feel that...

STORK: Marriage is repressive.
JACK: Makes me...

Why should every couple
occupy the straight and narrow bed'?

It is an invasion of our privacy
by the state.

What on earth's going on?

STORK: Who says that in future
we won't sleep three in a bed,

five in a bed or even 16 in a bed'?

This is not a personal vendetta.

It's a calculated gesture of protest
against an insidious institution.


Where's the fire?
There's no bloody fire.

Don't you believe it, Jack.

If those CFA boys start hosing,
there's a fire.

Might be in the kitchen.

I would like to read to you
a few selected quotes

from the works of Marcuse.

“This society is irrational.

“Its productivity is destructive
of the free development

“of human needs and faculties."

Back, you highfalutin, bourgeois dogs!

“Its peace is maintained
by the constant threat of war

“and its growth is dependent
on repression.

“Inner freedom is a private space
in which man may become himself.

“Today this private space
has been invaded and whittled down

“by technological reality.

“Mass production
and mass distribution

“claim the entire individual.”

Quick! Resistance!

You capitalist pigs!

Alright! Stop! You're done!

STORK: I'm sorry for the inconvenience,

but there comes a time when one
cannot shift the system from within

and one must resort to violence
to make one's point.

Alright, West, let them have it.

(Guest shout and squeal)

We've run out of bloody water, Stork.

We've run out of bloody water.

Westy-boy, I think
I might just shoot through.


(Stork yells) Run! Run!

(Anna sighs) Lovely wedding.

Stupid bastards.

Where the hell do you suppose
they got that fire engine?

I might have known
they'd pull something.

You know that great lanky bastard
half-killed a sheep this morning'?


Must have had a weak heart
to begin with.

Watch the road, you stupid bastard!


Get out.
Now, wait a minute...

Get out!
I've got my rights.

Stork, this is our honeymoon.

That could be my kid in there.

STORK: Do you get many cases
of tetanus round here, Anna'?

That bloody sheep had a go at me.

Bloody lockjaw
would be a hell of a thing to get.

Just imagine.

Hey, did you know that'?
There's no known cure.

It's the 20th bloody century

and they still haven't found an antitoxin.


SONG: J' Old Marcuse
He knew a thing or two

J' They're getting at you, boy

J' Cut your hair
Change the clothes you wear

J' They treat you like a toy

J' Let's get off on our big machine

J' They don't know
if they've come or been

J' We've got to create our own scene

J' They're getting

J' Getting at you, boy

J' Stork, Stork, boy. J'