Stiff Upper Lips (1998) - full transcript

Young upper-class fellow Edward arrives with his friend Cedric at the family manse, Ivory Hall. He plans to pair off Cedric with his sister Emily. Emily, on the other hand, falls in love with a son of local peasant, George. Old Aunt Agnes sends all the bunch off, first to Italy and then to India, so Emily would forget George, who is an undesirable partner for her because of class differences, and choose Cedric.

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---
( birds chirping )

( clock chimes )

Man: GO!

( cheering )

Man:
COME ON!

BLAST AND BUGGERATION.

IMMIGRANT CHAPPY'S
FAR TOO GOOD.

I TOLD YOU,

WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE
ALLOWED JEWS INTO
THE UNIVERSITY.

OR THE COUNTRY.

HMM. NOT BAD.



CEDERS,
FANCY A SNIFTER?

WE SHOULD NEVER
HAVE ALLOWED SHORTS.

THEY SHOULD RUN
AS GOD INTENDED:

BARE-CHEEKED,
STARK NAKED.

BUTTOCKS ALL A TREMBLE.

I HOPE YOU'LL BE MORE FUN
WHEN YOU MEET MY SISTER.

I SAID I HOPE YOU'LL BE MORE
FUN WHEN YOU MEET MY SISTER.

I SAID I'LL HOPE YOU'LL
BE MORE FUN WHEN YOU MEET--

( crowd grumbling )

OH, HELLO.

YOU DAMN TOFF.

EDWARD IVORY.
HOW DO YOU DO?

CEDRIC TRILLING,
HUGH DAMN TOFF.

NOT ONE OF
THE HAMPSHIRE DAMN TOFFS
BY ANY CHANCE?



AS I WAS SAYING,
I DO HOPE YOU'LL BE MORE
FUN WHEN YOU MEET HER.

SHE'S A CORKING PEACH.

( train whistle blows )

( train whistle blows )

( groans )

( sighs )
WON'T DO.

( bicycle bells ringing )

( squeaking )

( humming )

( horse whinnies )
- ( humming )

( ship's horn blows )

( humming )

( groans )

( exhales )

( cow moos )

( moos )

( classical music playing )

( gasping )

AH, HUDSON SENIOR.
GOOD MAN.

WHEN MATER AND PATER DIED,
WE HAD HUNDREDS OF LETTERS

FROM FUSSY, MIDDLE-AGED
SPINSTER AUNTS.

GOOD DAY TO YOU,
MASTER EDWARD.

UH, YOUR TICKET,
PLEASE, SIR.

THE AUNTS ALL WANTED TO
BRING US UP TO BE ARROGANT,

EMOTIONALLY STUNTED,
AND COMPLETELY OUT OF TOUCH
WITH THE REAL WORLD.

BUT AUNT AGNES WAS THE ONLY
ONE WHO WAS ACTUALLY RELATED.

BEGGING YOUR PARDON,
MASTER EDWARD,

BUT YOU SHOULD ALSO HAVE
A TICKET. I MUST INSIST.

I DO SO HATE
ORDINARY PEOPLE.

YOU MUSTN'T HATE THEM.
THEY HAVE SMALLER BRAINS.

AH.

- HUDSON?
- ( bell tolls )

HUDSON!

Edward: AWFUL SHAME
ABOUT YOUR FATHER.

STROKES ARE RARELY FATAL.

I WONDER WHAT CEDRIC
WILL BE LIKE.

EDWARD SAID THAT
HE'S MOST HANDSOME.

IN WHICH CASE WE MUST
MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION.

- RUTHIE?
- YES, MA'AM?

- YOU'RE FIRED.
- YES, MA'AM.

OH, AUNT AGNES,
HOW COULD YOU?

NOW WE HAVE NO ONE LEFT
TO CLEAN THE HOUSE.

IF YOU DON'T FIND
A HUSBAND QUICKLY,

YOU WILL SOON BE
AN OLD MAID LIKE ME.

BUT I'M ONLY 22.

WHY EVER DID YOU
TURN DOWN THAT PROPOSAL
FROM THE VICAR?

WHAT'S HIS NAME?
MR. TWEEB?

HIS EYEBROWS ARE
OVER TWICE

THE SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE
LEVEL OF BUSHINESS.

THE MAN THAT I MARRY MUST
BE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.

HMM. HMM.

( cracks )

WATCH OUT!

UHH!

- EDWARD, COULD YOU
PLEASE SLOW DOWN?
- WHY?

EMILY, THIS IS MY
VERY DEAR FRIEND
MR. CEDRIC TRILLING.

HOW CHARMING TO MEET YOU.

AND THIS IS AUNT AGNES,
OUR GUARDIAN,

WITH THE WITHERING LOOK.

I WAS JUST REMARKING
HOW IMPORTANT IT IS

FOR A YOUNG LADY TO BE
MARRIED BY THE AGE OF 22.

HASN'T THE WEATHER
BEEN PLEASANT?

MOST CERTAINLY.

THE SKY THIS MORNING
WAS EXACTLY AS THE POET
HOMER DESCRIBED.

"DAWNS OF ROSY-TIPPED
FINGERS ILLUMINATING
THE HEAVENS."

HMM.

AND WASN'T THE RAIN
YESTERDAY DREADFUL?

MOST CERTAINLY.

IT WAS EXACTLY AS
THE POET HOMER DESCRIBED.

"THE SPARKLING DROPLETS
FELL FROM THE SKY

LIKE FRAGILE TEARS
FROM THE SWOLLEN EYES OF
THE DAUGHTER OF ZEUS."

DAUGHTER OF ZEUS?

I EXPECT SHE WAS MARRIED
BEFORE SHE WAS 22, HMM?

RIGHT, OLD FELLOW.
SHOW YOU TO YOUR ROOM.

WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS
EMBARRASS ME?

A LADY SHOULD NEVER
DISCUSS THE WEATHER
WITH A POTENTIAL HUSBAND.

YOU OUGHT TO MAINTAIN
AN AIR OF MYSTERY FOR
THE WEDDING NIGHT.

HURRY UP WITH THOSE, HUDSON!
IT'S NEARLY TIME FOR TEA!

AND, EMILY...

DO TRY TO LOOK PRETTIER.

WHAT'S UP, SON?

SOME BLOODY FOOLS IN
A MOTORCAR ALMOST KILLED ME!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
COME SIT BY THE FIRE.

I'LL PUT SOME NICE
RAW VEGETABLES IN
BOILING WATER FOR YOU.

MMM.

IDIOTS WERE HEADING
FOR IVORY HALL.

IVORY HALL?

YOU HAVEN'T...

DENTED THE ROLLS?

OW!

PEOPLE LIKE US

ARE THE SCUM
OF THE EARTH.

AND DON'T YOU EVER
FORGET IT.

COME HERE, BUNNY.

HERE AT IVORY HALL,

WE HAVE A FEW
LITTLE TRADITIONS.

- THE FEWER AND LITTLER
THE BETTER.
- Agnes: YES.

CUCUMBER SANDWICHES
PARKED ALWAYS
TO THE RIGHT,

LEMON TEA IS DRUNK ONLY
ON TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS,

EXCEPT IN LENT,

AND YOU MUST NEVER
USE YOUR KNIFE

FOR BUTTERING
HOT MUFFINS...

UNLESS YOU ARE A MEMBER OF
HIS MAJESTY'S ARMED FORCES.

I TRUST YOU WILL ENDEAVOR
NOT TO FORGET THEM.

I SHALL NOT FORGET THEM.
I SHALL IGNORE THEM.

- ( rings bell )
- ( grunts )

EMILY, DEAR, DO LAUGH
AT MR. TRILLING'S
DELIGHTFUL WITTICISM.

CERTAINLY, THE MOMENT
HE MAKES ONE.

( rings bell )

HUDSON!

OH, GOD.

MMM. THESE CUCUMBER SANDWICHES
ARE MARVELOUS, ARE THEY NOT?

HUDSON BAKED
THE LOAF HIMSELF.

THE CUCUMBER OUGHT TO BE
MORE FINELY SLICED,

AND THE TEXTURE OF THE BREAD
IS RATHER TOO ROUGH.

IS THE TEA
TO YOUR LIKING?

IT IS EXACTLY AS THE POET
HOMER DESCRIBED.

"LIKE THE POISONOUS
BROWN JUICE

WHICH FLOWS FROM THE GIANT
LIZARD OF HELL."

AND WHAT ABOUT
THE CHAIR?

IS THE CHAIR ON WHICH YOU
ARE SITTING SATISFACTORY?

PERHAPS IT'S MADE OUT OF
THE WRONG TYPE OF WOOD.

PERHAPS THE UPHOLSTERY IS
AS THE POET HOMER DESCRIBED--

SHE IS SOMEWHAT NERVOUS
IN THE PRESENCE OF SUITORS.

OH, AUNT AGNES,
I HAVE NO INTENTION OF
MARRYING MR. TRILLING.

EMILY.
- I MUST CONFESS I DO NOT
LIKE HIM IN THE SLIGHTEST.

- EMILY!
- IN FACT, I HATE HIM.

HE HAS NO MANNERS.
I SHOULD RATHER KILL
MYSELF THAN MARRY HIM.

I DO HOPE I HAVE NOT
OFFENDED YOU IN ANY WAY.

NO, NO, NO.

I SHALL WRITE A LETTER
OF APOLOGY IMMEDIATELY.

IT IS I WHO IS
IN THE WRONG.

I SHALL DEPART FOR
CAMBRIDGE STRAIGHTAWAY.

YOU CAN'T GO!

WE CAN'T PLAY CROQUET
WITH ONLY THREE OF US.

Edward: OH, HUDSON!
CROQUET, PLEASE.

CERTAINLY, SIR.

Agnes's voice:
TODAY HAS GONE SPLENDIDLY.

EMILY FEIGNS DISLIKE,

BUT I SENSE A WEAKENING
ON HER PART.

Emily's voice:
HIS MUSTACHE QUITE
RESEMBLES

A PAIR OF
WET HEDGEHOG'S PORES.

( sighs )

PERHAPS I WAS TOO HASTY
ABOUT THE VICAR'S EYEBROWS.

( sighs )

Cedric's voice:
THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT
HER SLIM, ELEGANT FIGURE

THAT RATHER REMINDS ME
OF EDWARD.

HMM.

Edward's voice:
DEAR DIARY.

IT IS SUCH FUN
TO BE BACK AT IVORY HALL.

I AM VERY PLEASED
TO SEE MY BEARS AGAIN,

AND THEY ARE
VERY PLEASED TO SEE ME.

( toy bear groans )

NIGHTY-NIGHT, TEDDERS.

Man on record:
Allowable Face Movements
for Butlers: Part Three.

The upper lip
must never tremble.

It might be interpreted
as human emotion,

which is most
unacceptable.

MM-HMM.

When being insulted,

a hint of a polite smile
is customary.

Teeth must never
be revealed.

Gums should be
cleaned daily

with seven parts sulfuric acid
to one part water

in order not to offend
the noses of employ--

WHERE WILL YOU GO?

OH, ME NANA'S KINDLY
INVITED ME TO LONDON TOWN

TO STAY WITH HER
AND BE A PROSTITUTE.

YOU ARE INDEED
FORTUNATE

TO HAVE SUCH AN
UNDERSTANDING FAMILY.

IF YOU'RE EVER PASSING,
DO POP IN.

( chuckles )

LIKE HER AND ME MUM
AND ME SISTER,

I HOPE TO BEAR MANY
ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN
INTO ABJECT POVERTY.

AND YOU?

WILL YOU MANAGE
ON YOUR OWN?

I AM A HUDSON.

AND YOU NEVER GET BITTER?

( rings )

NEVER?

- ( ringing )
- ( door closes )

( sighs )

( laughs )

MMM.

I DO WISH YOU WOULD
LET ME LEND YOU
A PAIR OF TRUNKS.

Cedric:
I'M QUITE HAPPY LIKE THIS.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF MY SISTER?

SHUSH. SOMEONE MAY
OVERHEAR US.

CEDERS.

IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING
ABOUT THIS MATTER,

I, FOR MY PART, INSIST
WE DO IT IN LATIN.

UM...

( speaking Latin )

SHE HAS JACKDAWS
THAT MUST BE BAKED?

SLIM HIPS.

OH.

WHAT ELSE?

WHAT?

SHE OWNS
WARLIKE SWANS?

NOT OLORUS BELLICOSUS.
OCULUS BELLUS.

OH, EYES!

WARLIKE EYES.

NO, BEAUTIFUL EYES.
BEAUTIFUL EYES.

SHE HAS BEAUTIFUL EYES.

AND?

Cedric: AND...

SHE HAS GHOSTS
FROM BELGIUM?

MAMMAS, BREASTS.

BELLUS IS RATHER PRETTY
OR INTERESTING!

SHE HAS RATHER PRETTY
OR INTERESTING BREASTS!

Edward: AND WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF HER CHARACTER?

SOMETHING SOMETHING
SOMETHING SURGEON.

EXACTLY.

( shrieks )

SHE CAN'T SWIM.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW.
SHE'S YOUR SISTER.

WE'VE GOT TO DO
SOMETHING.

Emily: HELP!

- ( speaking Latin )
- WHAT?

( yelling in Latin )

( speaking Latin )

( speaking Latin )

( coughing )

( gasping )

THANK YOU.

I--I OWE YOU MY LIFE.

BUT, BRAVE STRANGER,

WHO ARE YOU?

MY NAME'S GEORGE.

Emily:
GEORGE.

YOU HAVE A RIPPING SET
OF UNMENTIONABLES.

EW.
HE'S A VILLAGER.

HOW DARE YOU!

CLEAR OFF,
YOU HORRID RUFFIAN.

SHE COULD HAVE DROWNED.

GO BACK TO YOUR HOVEL.

WELL SAID, CEDERS.

I SAVED HER LIFE!

YOU DID NOT SAVE MY LIFE.

AND IT IS IMPERTINENT,
ALTHOUGH TYPICAL,

OF YOUR OBVIOUS
PEASANT UPBRINGING
TO THINK THAT YOU DID.

IN FACT, CEDRIC
SAVED MY LIFE...

BY SHOUTING
SO BRAVELY.

NOW, I'M WILLING NOT TO
REPORT THIS TO A CONSTABLE

SO LONG AS YOU GO AWAY AND
NEVER SPEAK OF IT TO ANYONE.

SHOO.

( sneezes )

SHOO!

AgneI CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT YOU DID NOT EXPRESS
YOUR GRATITUDE.

HE WAS A PEASANT,
AND HE HAD NO CLOTHES ON.

I PROBABLY CAUGHT
SOME AWFUL DISEASE

JUST FROM BEING IN
CLOSE CONTACT WITH HIM.

Agnes:
NO CLOTHES ON AT ALL?

IT WAS QUITE,
QUITE HORRID.

AH--AH--AH...

AH...

NOTHING?

NO.

- MAY I HAVE SOME MORE
SOUP, PLEASE, HUDSON?
- CERTAINLY.

AND HE WAS STANDING WITH
HIS FRONT TOWARDS YOU?

YES, AND I COULD
SEE SOMETHING...

DANGLING.

- ( clears throat )
- EdwarI CAN VOUCH
FOR THAT.

ALTHOUGH HIS DANGLING
WAS NOTHING LIKE MINE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, CEDERS?

IT WAS A WORKING-CLASS
DANGLING.

HE DIDN'T DANGLE
WITH DIGNITY.

AHEM! AHEM! AHEM!

QUITE RIGHT, HUDSON.

IT IS REALLY QUITE IMPROPER
THAT A MATTER SUCH AS THIS

SHOULD BE DISCUSSED
OVER DINNER.

( sneezes )

SEND FOR THE DOCTOR.

CERTAINLY, MA'AM.

AND HOW ARE WE TODAY?

ILL.

SHE HAS AN AWFUL COLD.

WHAT TREATMENT DO YOU
RECOMMEND, DOCTOR?

PLEASE REMOVE
ALL YOUR GARMENTS.

SHALL I GO?

WELL, THE OINTMENT
IS RATHER SMELLY.

OH, YES, RIGHT.

( plays )

- HUDSON?
- SIR?

RIGHT.

HURRY UP.

- THANK YOU.
- SIR.

WHAT IS THAT
YOU'RE READING?

SHOW ME.
SHOW ME.

IT'S THE NEW
E.M. FORSTER NOVEL.

OH, NOT ANOTHER ONE.

IS IT AMUSING?

WELL, I FIND IT
DIFFICULT TO IDENTIFY
WITH THE CHARACTERS,

BUT THE LOCATIONS
ARE QUITE ENCHANTING.

THIS STEAMY TRIFLE
IS BY A MISS CARTLAND.

( grunts )

Doctor: I DON'T HAVE
ALL DAY, MISS EMILY.

I'M GOING
AS FAST AS I CAN.

( Emily grunts )

I WONDER IF I MIGHT
HAVE A WORD, MA'AM.

OF COURSE, HUDSON.

WHAT IS IT?

HOW CAN I BEST
PUT THIS?

UH, MY FAMILY HAS WORKED
FOR YOUR FAMILY

GOING BACK FIVE
GENERATIONS NOW.

TRADITION IS
A FINE, FINE THING.

INDEED, MA'AM.

UH, HOW BEST TO PUT THIS?

AFTER YEARS OF DEVOTED
SERVICE, FRANKLY...

I'M GETTING A SHADE
PEED OFF.

HUDSON!

YOU HAVE DISMISSED, MA'AM,
ALL MY SENIOR UNDER-BUTLERS,

AND, MA'AM, MY JUNIOR
OVER-BUTLER'S LEAVING
ME, MA'AM,

TO RUN THIS ENTIRE ESTATE.

HUDSON--

DON'T "HUDSON" ME,
IF I MAY BE SO BOLD.

YOUR IDIOT FAMILY
IS QUITE BARKING MAD.

WELL...

IS THIS WHY
YOU'VE BEEN URINATING
IN THE SOUP AGAIN?

THERE WILL BE WORSE
TO COME, MA'AM,

IN THE MAIN COURSE
AND THE PUDDING,

IF I DON'T GET A BREAK
OF SOME SORT.

WHAT A CAPITAL IDEA.

EDWARD?

( both playing )

HUDSON HAS JUST GIVEN ME
THE MOST DELIGHTFUL IDEA.

I PROPOSE THE BEST CURE
FOR EMILY'S AWFUL COLD
IS A TRIP TO ITALY.

BUT WHAT ABOUT
THE OINTMENT?

OH, YES, PLEASE.
A HOLIDAY WILL MAKE ME
FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

SHE COULD DIE UNLESS
SHE GETS THIS OINTMENT.

I CAN MAKE
THE ARRANGEMENTS
AT ONCE!

OH!

WHAT ABOUT THE OINTMENT?

UM, I'VE GOT
A BIT OF A SNUFFLE.

GOOD EVENING,
DEAR LADY.

MR. TWEEB.
GOOD EVENING.

MAY I VENTURE TO ASK
IF THERE IS ANY NEWS?

ABOUT WHAT?

MY PROPOSAL
TO YOUR NIECE.

OH, DEAR.
DID I FORGET TO TELL YOU?

SHE SAID NO.

SHE SAID YOUR EYEBROWS
WERE TOO BUSHY.

AND ANYWAY,
SHE HAS A NEW ADMIRER.

GOOD EVENING.

♪ THEY ALL SUPPOSE WHAT
THEY WANT TO SUPPOSE ♪

♪ IT'S THE SAME
OOMPAH-PAH. ♪

( singing stops )

- MA'AM.
- MA'AM.

I'M LOOKING FOR THE YOUNG
MAN WHO RESCUED MY NIECE.

I BELIEVE HIS NAME
IS GEORGE.

MY NIECE DREW THIS.

( men muttering )

THAT'LL BE ERIC'S LAD.

WHERE IS THIS ERIC?

EXCUSE ME, GOOD LADY.

BEGGING YOUR PARDON
AND EVERYTHING.

YOUR LADYSHIP,

I HAVE A SON,
YOUR EXTREME DAINTINESS,

WHOSE NAME,
IF IT PLEASES YOUR WORSHIP,

IS GEORGE.

( slowly )
IS HE ALSO AN IMBECILE?

HOW DARE YOU

TOUCH A LADY!

BUT SHE WAS
DROWNING, DAD!

SO? HER, IN A DELICATE,
AS WHITE AS LINEN!

AND YOU AND YOUR
FILTHY PEASANT RAGS!

I DON'T BELIEVE SO.

OH.

YOU WERE NAKED.
NAKED?

IN THE SAME COUNTY AS YOUR
NIECE WITHOUT HIS PANTS ON.

BUT SHE COULD HAVE
BLOODY DIED, ALL RIGHT?

I BEG YOU,
DEAR SWEET LADY.

IS THERE SOME WAY HE COULD
PUT RIGHT THE TERRIBLE WRONG

HE HAS DONE TO YOU,
YOUR FAMILY, AND THE KING?

OH, GET UP,
FOR GOODNESS' SAKE.

THERE IS INDEED A WAY

HE CAN PUT RIGHT
THIS DREADFUL WRONG.

OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

YOU SHALL ACCOMPANY US ON
A TRIP TO ITALY AS SERVANT.

SERVANT?

Eric: THANK YOU!

HOW BLOODY TYPICAL
OF YOUR BLOODY CLASS.

I'M NOT GOING.
I'M STAYING HERE.

MY DAD NEEDS ME.

BOLLOCKS I DO.

A SON OF MINE SERVANT TO
HOLIDAYING GENTLEFOLK?

IF ONLY MY DAD
COULD HAVE LIVED

TO SEE THIS HAPPY DAY.

OF COURSE, I UNDERSTAND
IF YOU WOULD PREFER

TO REMAIN HERE FOR
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE,

JUST YOU, YOUR FATHER,
AND A HOVEL FULL OF
RABBIT ENTRAILS.

Eric: ITALY!
CAN YOU IMAGINE?

BUT WHY?
WHY HIM?

HUDSON CAN'T GO.

BUT WHY?
( sneezes )

HE HAS...

HE HAS A BLADDER PROBLEM.

- BUT WHY?
- BECAUSE!

AND ONE MORE
"BUT WHY" FROM YOU

AND WE SHAN'T GO AT ALL.

OH, AUNT AGNES, I HATE YOU!
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!

AUNT AGNES?

HELP?

HELP!

( indistinct chatter )

( classical music playing )

( exhales )

OH, NO.

AUNT AGNES!

THIS IS NOT AT ALL WHAT
WE WERE LED TO EXPECT!

( Italian music plays )

Emily:
EDWARD, LET GO!
LET GO!

OH, EDWARD, WHY DO YOU
HAVE TO BE SUCH A BABY?

IT'S MY ROOM.
NOW JUST LET GO
OF THE KEY.

YOU KNOW YOU
DON'T LIKE SUNSHINE.
IT GIVES YOU HEADACHES.

( taps glass )

WHAT IF EMILY
EXCHANGES WITH ME?

THEN I'LL EXCHANGE
WITH EDWARD

SO THAT EDWARD CAN
EXCHANGE WITH MR. TWEEB.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE
YOU'RE STAYING HERE.

IT IS A COINCIDENCE.
UTTERLY...

- George: DAMN.
- COINCIDENTAL.

WELL, THEN, MR. TWEEB
CAN EXCHANGE WITH--

HELLFIRE.

HE CAN SWAP WITH US.
WE GOT A GREAT VIEW.

BACK HOME, ALL THE ROOMS
HAVE FANTASTIC VIEWS.

THEN KINDLY
RETURN THERE AT ONCE.

AS I WAS SAYING, MR. TWEEB
CAN EXCHANGE WITH...

UM, WHO'S LEFT?

ME.

I AM NOT SLEEPING
IN THE STABLES.

MIGHT I BE ALLOWED
TO SUGGEST A SOLUTION?

EDWARD CAN SHARE MY ROOM.

OH, YES.

AND GEORGE CAN HAVE
EDWARD'S ROOM.

- THERE. SEE HOW
SIMPLE IT ALL IS?
- George: SOD IT!

I THINK WE'LL MANAGE
WITHOUT THE GRAVY, GEORGE.

ISN'T IT ALL SO BEAUTIFUL,
AUNT AGNES?

THE CITY'S SUCH
A DANGEROUS PLACE

FOR AN INNOCENT,
YOUNG ENGLISHWOMAN.

ANYTHING COULD
HAPPEN. GEORGE?

OH, LET'S HOPE SO.

I THINK I MIGHT RUN NAKED
THROUGH THE ANCIENT RUINS.

YOU WILL DO
NO SUCH THING.

PEOPLE PASSING BY MIGHT
SEE YOUR PRIVATE PARTS.

GEORGE.

SINCE WE ARRIVED IN ITALY,

THOSE PARTS HAVE BECOME
A SOURCE OF MUCH PLEASURE

AND MUCH FRUSTRATION.

Agnes: THINK OF CEDRIC.
HE'LL NEVER MARRY YOU.

THERE ARE PLENTY MORE FISH
IN THE GRAND CANAL.

ACCORDING TO
MY GUIDEBOOK,

IF WE TURN LEFT
AND THEN FIRST RIGHT,

WE SHOULD BE STANDING
DIRECTLY IN FRONT
OF THE EIFFEL TOWER.

( clears throat )

EMILY.

EMILY?

( speaking Italian )

( speaking Italian )

EMILY!

STOP IT!

BUT, AUNT AGNES,
I'M THIRSTY.

THEY MIGHT GET
THE WRONG IDEA.

THEY MIGHT THINK
THAT, WELL, UH...

THAT YOU WANT TO
GET MARRIED TO THEM.

YOU'RE DESPERATE FOR ME
TO GET MARRIED.

YES, BUT NOT
TO AN ITALIAN.

MY FEET ARE HURTING.

I'VE GOT BLISTERS
THE SIZE OF BOGNOR.

THAT'S NOTHING.
MY BLISTERS ARE EXACTLY
AS THE POET--

Emily:
WOULD YOU SHUT UP?

- GEORGE?
- WHAT?

AH. LAY THE LAWN,
PLEASE, GEORGE.

THANK YOU, GEORGE.
LOAD IT ALL UP AGAIN.

( laughing )

( both snoring)

CEDRIC.

( sing-song )
OH, CEDRIC.

IT'S ME.

EMILY.

HUH?
WHAT'S GOING ON?

EDWARD, CLEAR OFF
OR I'LL HIT YOU.

RIGHT-O.

IT IS REALLY NOT PROPER
FOR YOU TO BE HERE.

WHAT WOULD YOUR AUNT SAY?

MR. TRILLING,
YOU ARE MOST HANDSOME.

I FEAR SHE WOULD SAY
NO SUCH THING.

( blowing )

EDWARD!

I'M A YOUNG VIRGIN
IN ITALY.

I WANT MY SEXUAL AWAKENING,
AND I WANT IT NOW.

UHH!

DESCRIBED IN CHAPTERS
ONE TO 42 HAVE ALL FAILED,
DO NOT DESPAIR.

HELP IS AT HAND.

THE ENGLISH MEMBER
CAN OFTEN BE EXCITED

BY ORAL STIMULATION.

TRY THE FOLLOWING
WORDS--

ANKLE.

NAVEL.

TONGUE.

CRICKET.

NANNY.

WARM BEER.
THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

SHAKESPEARE.
EARL GREY.

- STEAK AND KIDNEY.
ETON. CAMBR--"
- ( gasps )

ETON.

ETON.

ETON. ETON.
ETON. ETON.

- Edward: CAN I COME IN YET?
- NO!

ETON. ETON. ETON.
ETON. ETON.

- PLEASE?
- OH, EDWARD!
EDWARD! EDWARD!

OUT.

OH, REALLY, EDWARD.

NOW, ACCORDING
TO MY GUIDEBOOK,

WE MUST BE ON
THE LOOKOUT

FOR ELEPHANTS
AND RHINOCEROSES.

- MR. TWEEB?
- YES, MISS EMILY?

WE'RE HERE.

MISS EMILY, HAVE YOU
NOT NOTICE SOMETHING
A LITTLE DIFFERENT?

DEAR HEAVENS,
YOU TRIMMED YOUR EYEBROWS.

THEIR LENGTH
IS NOW DECENT?

AS DECENT A PAIR
OF EYEBROWS

AS I'VE SEEN ON
A MEMBER OF THE CLERGY.

WELL DONE.

SUCH UNFORTUNATE
NASAL HAIR.

OH, LOOK!

AH, MR. TRILLING.

WHAT CAN POSSIBLY COMPARE
TO A SIMPLE PICNIC?

A DOG BITE.

TOOTH EXTRACTION.
WAR.

FOOD ALWAYS TASTES NICER
IN THE OPEN AIR.

NO, IT ALWAYS TASTES
EXACTLY THE SAME.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

AND WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF A QUITE SPECTACULAR
COUNTRYSIDE.

WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS
CRITICIZE EVERYTHING?

IT'S MY HOBBY.

I THOUGHT PERHAPS
YOU WERE COMPENSATING
FOR SOME INADEQUACY.

( sniffs )

( dishes clatter )

COME FOR A WALK.

I'M BUSY.

I'M GOING FOR A WALK,
AND I WANT YOU
TO COME WITH ME.

I SAID I'M--

( opera playing )

KISS ME.

NO.

JUST 'CAUSE I'M EMPLOYED
AS YOUR SERVANT

DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO
ABUSE ME LIKE A PIECE OF WOOD.

ETON.

I HAD A SANDWICH.

WHAT? NO, I...

STEAK AND KIDNEY.

BEG YOUR PARDON?

- OH, DEAR.
( opera continues )

THE WEATHER'S
VERY NICE TODAY.

EMILY!

COME QUICKLY!

MR. TRILLING HAS ACHIEVED
THE MOST AMAZING ERECTION.

OH.

( sniffs )

( door opens )

I WANT YOU TO KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED TODAY
MUST NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

I AGREE.

I DON'T BLAME YOU.
YOU CAN'T HELP YOURSELF.

YOU'RE A MEMBER OF
THE LOWER CLASS--

I SAID I AGREE.

WELL, I DESPISE YOU.

WELL, I DESPISE
YOU, TOO.

I DESPISE YOU MORE
THAN YOU DESPISE ME.

OH.

OH.

( sniffs )

Emily:
I DESPISE YOU.

OH, GOD,
I DESPISE YOU.

I DESPISE YOU.

( moaning )
OH, GOD, I DESPISE YOU.

OH, GOD.

HAVE FAITH, MY CHILD.
HAVE FAITH.

EmilI DESPISE YOU.
OH, GOD. OH, GOD.

HAVE FAITH.
HAVE FAITH.

OH, GOD! OH, GOD!
OH, GOD!

HAVE FAITH. HAVE FAITH.
HAVE FAITH.

( moaning loudly )
OH, GOD! OH, YES!
SWEET JESUS! OH!

YOU WERE RIPPING
LAST NIGHT.

THANKS VERY MUCH.

SUCH...

STRONG ARMS.

AYE.

THAT'S THE RABBIT-SKINNING
FOR YOU.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW,
GEORGE?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE NEVER REALLY
DONE THIS BEFORE.

WILL YOU DO
THE RIGHT THING?

OF COURSE.

EMILY, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

THANK YOU. I WILL
CONSIDER YOUR PROPOSAL

AND REPLY TO YOU
BY LETTER.

NOW...

BRING ME MY BREAKFAST.

Emily's voice: DEAR GEORGE.
I'M MOST FRIGHTFULLY SORRY,

BUT I MUST REFUSE YOUR
KIND OFFER OF MARRIAGE.

YOURS SINCERELY,
MISS E. IVORY.

George's voice:
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU HAVE REJECTED ME.

PLEASE RECONSIDER.
GEORGE.

Emily's voice:
I CANNOT POSSIBLY MARRY
BENEATH MY STATION. EMILY.

George's voice:
WHY NOT?

Emily's voice:
BECAUSE!

George's voice:
BECAUSE WHAT?

IS CLASS A BARRIER
TO TRUE LOVE?

DID LAST NIGHT
MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?

Eric's voice:
DEAR SON.

PEOPLE LIKE US ARE
THE SCUM OF THE EARTH,

AND DON'T YOU EVER FORGET IT.
FULL STOP. YOUR DAD.

FULL STOP.

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOU, CHILD?

NOTHING.

WELL, THEN...

STOP LOOKING LIKE SOMEONE
WHO JUST LOST HER VIRGINITY.

WHAT?

OI, GIVE ME
MY BALL BACK.

Agnes:
MR. TRILLING.

DO AMUSE US WITH YOUR
RAPIER-LIKE WIT.

NO.

( laughs )

( men singing in Italian )

THIS LAWN
IS AWFULLY HEAVY.

ISN'T IT EMILY'S TURN?

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU HAD TO GIVE
THE SERVANT THE DAY OFF.

I HAD NO CHOICE.

HE EXPLAINED IT
ALL TO ME.

A SERVANT HAS HALF
A DAY OFF EACH FORTNIGHT

OR A WHOLE DAY IF IT'S
IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY.

Edward: WHY DID YOU
AGREE TO THAT?

BECAUSE IF I DIDN'T AGREE,
HE'D GO ON STRIKE.

I'LL HORSEWHIP
HIS BACKSIDE.

- AND SO WILL I.
- I SAID IT FIRST.

THAT LOOKS LIKE
HIS BACKSIDE TO ME.

I'LL LEAVE YOU TWO
TO FIGHT IT OUT.

WE'RE GOING BACK TO
THE PENSIONE. EMILY.

OH, PLEASE
LET ME STAY.

I'LL BE SAFE
WITH EDWARD.

SAFE WITH EDWARD?
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR SENSES?

AND WITH THE HANDSOME
MR. TRILLING.

WHAT COLOR
AM I AGAIN?

BLACK.

MY BROTHER AND CEDRIC
ARE PLAYING CHESS

FOR THE HONOR OF
HORSEWHIPPING YOUR BACKSIDE.

BLACK, EH?

HMM.

EH?

( arguing in Italian )

WHAT DID HE SAY?

"SHE'S MINE.
I HAVE HER."

AND THEN THE OTHER ONE
SAID, "NO, I WANT--

I WANT TO PIERCE OR
OTHERWISE PENETRATE."

HURRY UP, OLD CHAP.

THIS IS A LATIN DICTIONARY,
EDWARD, NOT ITALIAN.

I'M ENDEAVORING TO
PROVIDE AS ACCURATE
A TRANSLATION AS I CAN.

MY SISTER'S OVER THERE!
YOU'VE GOT TO HELP!

SHE MIGHT BE PIERCED
OR OTHERWISE PENETRATED!

IT'S MY DAY OFF.

( ticking )

( sniffs )

IT'S GETTING VERY LATE.
I DO HOPE THEY'RE SAFE.

NO, THANK YOU. THE BRITISH
CAN LOOK AFTER THEMSELVES.

( scoffs )
YEAH, RIGHT.

SO, SHE'S COMPLETELY
REPULSED

BY ALL MANNER OF
FACIAL HAIR, THEN?

YES, I'M AFRAID SHE IS.

AREN'T YOU GOING
TO RESCUE ME?

OW!

I INSIST THAT YOU
RESCUE ME AT ONCE!

NO. I'M TOO COMMON.

I NEVER SAID
YOU WERE COMMON.

THEN WHY WON'T YOU
MARRY ME?

MAYBE I'M AFRAID TO COMMIT.

I COME FROM A VERY
REPRESSED BACKGROUND.

I'M TRYING TO COME TO TERMS
WITH THE REAL ME,

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHO THE REAL ME IS.

I HAVE TO LEARN
TO LOVE MYSELF.

WELL?

WHAT HAPPENED?

WE HAD TO LEAVE EMILY
IN THE BAR

IN THE MIDDLE OF
A REALLY BIG FIGHT.

AS THE POET HOMER SAID,

LIKE A RIVER OF
ROSY-DAPPLED ENTRAILS."

WE MUST WRITE TO THE BRITISH
AMBASSADOR AT ONCE.

YOU MAY HAVE
CUTE ACCENTS,

BUT YOU'VE NO IDEA HOW
TO PROTECT YOURSELVES.

- ( cocks rifle )
- LET'S GO, HON.

EMILY!

THANK YOU, GEORGE.

I REALLY CAN'T ABIDE
THESE PUBLIC DISPLAYS
OF AFFECTION.

YOU KNOW, YOU ARE
WHAT WE CALL

A REAL TIGHT ASS.

YOU'RE MOST KIND.

THIS TRIP HAS BEEN
AN AWFUL MISTAKE.

FIRST I HAD MY UNDERWEAR
STOLEN, AND NOW THIS.

ITALY IS SO FOREIGN.

LOOK AT THE EFFECT IT HAS
HAD ON POOR MR. TWEEB.

( groans )

I PROPOSE WE GO
SOMEWHERE MORE ENGLISH.

THE LAWN, PLEASE,
GEORGE.

( Indian music playing )

Agnes:
IT IS SO KIND OF YOU
TO TAKE US IN.

ITALY WROUGHT HAVOC
WITH EMILY'S DELICATE
CONSTITUTION.

WE COULDN'T FIND
A SINGLE PENSIONE
IN ALL OF DELHI.

GREAT-UNCLE HORACE
OWNS THE BIGGEST TEA
PLANTATION IN INDIA.

IT COVERS AN AREA FOUR TIMES
THE SIZE OF SCOTLAND.

IT'S PRETTIER
THAN SCOTLAND.

MORE INTERESTING
THAN SCOTLAND.

AND BEST OF ALL,
THERE ARE NO SCOTSMEN
LIVING HERE.

OF COURSE WE MUSTN'T
OUTSTAY OUR WELCOME.

WE SHALL LEAVE FOR
ENGLAND AS SOON AS
EMILY'S ABILITY

TO HOLD HER BREAKFAST
DOWN IMPROVES.

OR TOMORROW.

EDWARD!
STOP IT AT ONCE!

WHEN IN ROME...

PUT IT AWAY.

INDIA'S DRIVEN MANY PEOPLE
ABSOLUTELY MAD,

INCLUDING MYSELF.

YES, WELL, I'M SURE
EMILY'S FEELING
BETTER ALREADY.

LET'S BE OFF.

DEAR LADY, THE PRESENCE
OF A BEAUTIFUL ENGLISHWOMAN

IS RARE IN THESE PARTS.

YOU, TOO, HAVE DESIGNS
ON MY NIECE.

AREN'T YOU A LITTLE
ON THE OLD SIDE?

I WASN'T REFERRING
TO YOUR NIECE.

OH.

DEAR SWEET LADY.

HOW MANY THOUSANDS OF MEN'S
HEARTS HAVE YOU SHATTERED?

( chuckles )

SO MANY DEAR BOYS.

INCLUDING OUR OWN KING,

WHEN HE WAS PRINCE
OF WALES.

OH.

GOOD GRIEF.
HE'S WHITE.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M WHITE. SO WHAT?

ALL MEN ARE EQUAL.
AND ALL WOMEN.

THE WORLD IS
A CHANGING PLACE.

( scoffs )
BALDERDASH. HA HA.

ONE DAY, EVERYBODY
WILL BE PAID THE SAME
AMOUNT OF MONEY.

I WON'T HAVE AN ENGLISH
SERVANT IN MY HOUSE!

IT'S BAD FOR MORALE.

IT MAY CAUSE THE WHOLE
EMPIRE TO CRUMBLE.

I HAVE MY RIGHTS.

RIGHTS?

THIS IS NOT SOME NAMBY-PAMBY
SUBURB OF LONDON, SIR.

THIS IS THE RAJ!

RAJ OR NOT,
HE'S ALL WE HAVE.

WE SHAN'T STAY WHERE
WE'RE NOT WELCOME.

DISGRACEFUL.

( frogs croaking )

( monkeys screeching )

OH.

( gasps )

( gasps )

AAH!

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING
THE WATER?

WE WERE WARNED
ABOUT DELHI BELLY.

AND I'M WARNING YOU ABOUT
THE MADRAS MADNESS,

AN ALL-CONSUMING FEVER
CAUSED BY THE WATER.

YOU BECOME OBSESSED WITH SEX.

YOU SEE IT EVERYWHERE
YOU LOOK.

THE IMAGINATION CONJURES UP
THE WILDEST FANTASIES.

YOU FEEL POWERLESS.
YOUR KNEES GO WEAK.

ONE SIP AND ALL--

I ASSURE YOU, I HAVEN'T
TOUCHED THE WATER.

YOUR EYES ARE LIKE DEEP
SHIMMERING POOLS OF TEA.

YOUR THIGHS LIKE STRONG
YOUNG TEA PLANTS.

YOUR BREASTS, UH...

LIKE BEAUTIFUL...

MEDIUM-SIZED SACKS
OF TEA LEAVES.

YOUR ANKLES ARE LIKE...

THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH
TEA TALK.

...TWO LUMPS OF SUGAR?

IF I STAY,
GEORGE STAYS.

( stammers )

CEDRIC?

HUH?

DO YOU EVER HAVE
STRANGE FEELINGS?

WHAT SORT OF
STRANGE FEELINGS?

WELL...

SOMETIMES I JUST
FEEL STRANGE.

I SEE.

I ALSO HAVE
STRANGE FEELINGS.

PLEASANT ONES?

I'M AFRAID I CANNOT
SAY WHETHER THEY ARE
PLEASANT OR NOT.

SOCIETY DOES NOT ALLOW IT.

I SUGGEST YOU HIDE
THESE FEELINGS

IN A CLOSET.

MMM.

SPIFFY.

( Indian accent )
IF IT BE PLEASING TO YOU,

I AM BRINGING YOU
A GIN AND TONIC.

( regular voice )
IT IS AS EASY AS THAT.

REMEMBER THE LATERAL
HEAD OSCILLATION.

THAT IS FRIGHTFULLY
IMPORTANT.

( Indian accent )
IF YOU NOT BE LIKING
A GIN AND TONIC,

I CAN BE OBTAINING

WHATSOEVER OTHER DRINK
YOU MAY BE PREFERRING.

WOOBLE, WOOBLE, WOOBLE.

I FEEL TERRIBLE.

( playing )

I HATE IT HERE.

WE ALL DO.

INDIA.

( mosquito buzzing )

THE SMELLS.

THE HEAT.
THE DUST.

THIS MOSQUITO NET!
WHEN CAN WE LEAVE?

DON'T BE HASTY, CHILD.

CEDRIC'S GREAT-UNCLE
HAS INVITED US TO STAY.

WE MUST DO WHATEVER
HE WANTS.

- WHENEVER HE WANTS.
- AUNT AGNES.

HOWEVER MANY TIMES
HE WANTS.

WHERE ARE YOU,
MY DARLING?

AH, THERE'S MY FILLY.

SPLENDID GAME, HUH?

AgneYOU LOOK RATHER
REGAL LIKE THAT.

AHHHH.
DID YOU SEE THAT?

AgneI CAN SEE YOU'VE
PLAYED THIS BEFORE.

- OH.
- ( laughs )

FETCH.

AgneYOU CAN'T POSSIBLY
PLAY WITHOUT A BALL.

I'M PREGNANT.

WELL?

AREN'T YOU GOING
TO SAY ANYTHING?

COULD WE HAVE OUR BALL
BACK, PLEASE?

( laughs )

WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO?

I SUPPOSE I'LL HAVE IT
PUT DOWN.

PUT DOWN?

FOR CAMBRIDGE.

OH, MY, EMILY.

Agnes:
EDWARD, WILL YOU
PLEASE GET THE BALL?

HEY NONNY-NONNY!

OI! YOU! OIK!

PUT MY SISTER DOWN AND
GIVE US OUR BALL BACK.

Edward: OW!

NOW WE CAN GET MARRIED.

CAN'T WE?

I'M SO ASHAMED.

Agnes:
OH, THESE DAMN FLIES.

- ( slapping )
- DAMN FLIES.

- ( slapping )
- THESE DAMN FLIES!

( slapping )

( Horace giggles )

OH, THESE DAMN FLIES!

( chuckles )

WHAT WAS THAT?

Horace: DON'T STOP.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TIME TO SPREAD
THE BRITISH EMPIRE.

"DEAR GEORGE.

NO NEED FOR BREAKFAST.
EMILY."

"DEAR AUNT AGNES.

I AM WITH CHILD AFTER
A MOST SORDID--"

"AFTER A MOST SORDID
ENCOUNTER IN ROME.

PLEASE TELL NO ONE.
I AM SO SORRY.

EMILY."

I'M GOING TO BE
UNCLE EDDERS.

"DEAR CEDRIC.

GOODBYE FOREVER."

EMILY!

UHH! EMILY!

EMILY!

( woman shouting )

TEA?
ANY MORE?

TEA? TEA? TEA?

I SAY, MISS?

- TEA?
- I SAY. EXCUSE ME.

MISS, I SAID EXCUSE ME.

CHI?

TEA? CHI?

( brakes squeaking )

( people screaming )

( groaning )

I'LL HAVE A POT
OF EARL GREY.

Emily's voice:
RECENT ENCOUNTERS
HAD CONVINCED ME

THAT MY PRIVILEGED
UPBRINGING

HAD KEPT ME FROM SEEING
HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVE.

I DETERMINED TO RECTIFY
THE SITUATION IMMEDIATELY

AND LEARN TO BE
MORE UNDERSTANDING.

( children shouting )

SHOO. SHOO.

SHOO. DON'T TOUCH THAT.
PLEASE DON'T TOUCH THAT.

SHOO!

WHO'S IN CHARGE OF
THESE WRETCHED ANIMALS?

HAS ANYONE SEEN THIS GIRL?
ANYONE?

UH...

DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING
SLIGHTLY LESS RESTRICTIVE?

UH, EXCUSE ME.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL?

HAVE YOU SEEN
THIS GIRL?

HAS ANYONE SEEN THIS GIRL?

( whistles )

DON'T YOU WHISTLE AT ME,
YOU INDIAN SUBJECT.

NOW, WHERE ON EARTH
IS CEDRIC?

IS THAT YOU, CEDERS?

QUITE REMARKABLE.
WELL DONE.

NOW, WE JUST NEED
TO FIND OUT THE INDIAN

FOR "HAVE YOU
SEEN THIS GIRL?"

AH.

HOW DO YOU SAY
"HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL?"

( coughs )
EDWARD, IT'S ME.

EDVARD ES ME.
EDVARD ES-- GOT IT.

UM...

EDVARD ES ME?

EDVARD ES ME?
EDVARD ES ME?

- EDWARD, YOU FOOL, IT'S ME!
- DON'T CONFUSE ME.

EDVARD ES ME IS MORE
THAN A MOUTHFUL.

- EDVARD ES ME?
- ( speaking Hindi )

SORRY, CEDERS?

EDWARD!

HAVE YOU BEEN
TAKING HASHISH?

CEDRIC?

YOU ROTTER.

HAVE I BEEN TAKING WHAT?

- HASHISH!
- BLESS YOU.

Man:
GANDHI? GANDHI! GANDHI!

Crowd:
GANDHI! GANDHI!

CEDERS?

THEY'RE STILL THERE,
CEDERS.

NEVER MIND.

MAYBE ONE OF THEM KNOWS
WHERE EMILY IS.

WE WILL CONTINUE THE SEARCH
FOR THE MOTHER OF MY CHILD

AS SOON AS I ACQUIRE
MORE APPROPRIATE CLOTHING.

( chanting )
GANDHI, GANDHI, GANDHI.

Emily's voice:
CHRIST, THIS FOOD
IS DISGUSTING.

IT'S NO WONDER
THEY'RE SO THIN.

ACCORDING TO THE MAP,
THIS MISSION THING
IS VERY, VERY CLOSE.

DO YOU MAKE AN EFFORT
TO BE STUPID OR DOES IT
COME NATURALLY?

ARE THOSE
THE ONLY TWO CHOICES?

SHUT UP.

PLEASE SHUT UP,
I'M BEGGING YOU.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHAT IF SHE SAYS NO?

MY, GOD, CEDERS,
THIS IS IT.

WE FOUND IT.

CEDERS?

CEDERS!

- ( gasps )
- MR. TRILLING.

UH, MISS IVORY,

HAVING CAREFULLY
CONSIDERED THE ADVANTAGES
AND DISADVANTAGES,

I FEEL IT IS MY DUTY TO
ASK YOU TO BECOME MY WIFE

SO THAT NO MAN MAY SAY
A TRILLING CHILD
MIGHT BE A BASTARD.

YOU MAKE IT SOUND
SO ROMANTIC.

PERHAPS I MIGHT TRY--

IS THERE A LITTLE
BOY'S ROOM?

OH. BE MY GUEST.

IT'S NOT MUCH MORE
THAN A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

SHE'S NOT
OVER HERE, CEDERS.

( toilet flushes )
- SO...

WILL YOU MARRY ME OR NO?

I'VE MADE LOVE
TO GEORGE.

I THINK WE'RE ON
THE WRONG MISSION.

- EDWARD.
- HELLO, SIS.

YOUR TROLLOP SISTER'S
HAD CARNAL DALLIANCES
WITH GEORGE.

IT'S TRUE.

- EMILY, HOW COULD YOU?
- WELL, I...

BE THAT AS IT MAY,

WE MUST WED FOR
THE SAKE OF OUR CHILD.

AND WHAT, PRAY,
IF I'M NOT PREGNANT?

- WHAT?
- YOU'RE REALLY
NOT WITH CHILD?

( elephant trumpets )

HURRAH.

HEY NONNY-NONNY.

( elephant trumpets )

- EMILY!
- GEORGE!

( elephant trumpets )

THIS GEORGE IS PROVING
RATHER TROUBLESOME.

I WAS QUITE LOOKING
FORWARD TO THE THREE
OF US LIVING TOGETHER.

I WANT THE HAND
OF YOUR NIECE.

EMILY MUST MAKE
HER OWN DECISIONS.

AAH!

- SO YOU WOULDN'T OBJECT?
- I DON'T GIVE A MONKEY'S.

( bubbling )

STOP!

( whispering )
I GOT THEM, BUT THERE'S
NO NAME IN THEM.

( whispering )
OH, DAMN.

DAMN. DAMN.
DAMN.

( fire roaring )

( mumbling )

( indistinct chatter )

OH, DAMN!

SAVE THE LAWN!

FUCK THE LAWN!

SAVE THE PLANTATION!

( indistinct shouting )

ABSO-BLOODY-LUTELY
TYPICAL.

I MEAN YOU LOT ALWAYS
STICK TOGETHER,
DON'T YOU?

DON'T YOU?!

WITH YOUR FANCY WAYS
AND YOUR LA-DE-DA TALK.

YEAH, WELL,
I MAY BE SCUM,
BUT I AM PROUD OF IT!

YOU MAY THINK YOU CAN
CONTROL THE WHOLE BLOODY
WORLD WITH YOUR EMPIRE,

BUT LET ME
TELL YOU THIS:

THAT I, GEORGE,

HAVE EVERY FAITH IN
THE INDIAN JUSTICE SYSTEM.

THE BRITISH LEGAL SYSTEM

IS THE GREATEST
IN THE WORLD

IN THAT THERE IS NO OTHER
LEGAL SYSTEM.

IT IS THE VERY FOUNDATION

OF CIVILIZATION ITSELF.

PRISONER,
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?

NOT GUILTY.

LET IT BE RECORDED
THAT THE CONDEMNED
PLEADED NOT GUILTY.

CONDEMNED? YOU JUST
SAID CONDEMNED.

- OBJECTION!
- YOU'RE MY LAWYER!

- OBJECTION!
- OVERRULED.

LUNCH.

NOT YOU.

THANK YOU.

WELL, GET ON WITH IT.

Lawyer: YOU ARE
CEDRIC TRILLING?

CEDRIC LIONEL TRILLING.

MAY I ASK YOU
WHAT YOU OBSERVED ON
THE NIGHT IN QUESTION?

I SAW A MAN CARRYING
A LIGHTED TORCH

TOWARDS THE PLANTATION.

THAT MAN.

AND, UH, HOW DID YOU
RECOGNIZE THE DEFENDANT
IN THE DARK?

HE WAS WALKING WITH
A COMMONER'S GAIT.

AND DO YOU HAVE ANYONE
TO CORROBORATE THIS STORY?

UM...

I--I THINK SO.

YOU EITHER ARE
EDWARD IVORY
OR YOU'RE NOT.

HE IS.

I SAW, UH...

"I SAW A MAN CARRYING
A LIGHTED TORCH.

THAT MAN."

AND HOW DID YOU KNOW IT
TO BE THE DEFENDANT?

"HE WAS WALKING WITH
A COMMUNIST GOAT."

RIGHT. DEFENSE.

YOU ARE AUNT TO
MISS EMILY IVORY?

AUNT?

SHE'S MORE OF
A MOTHER TO THE GIRL.

THIS WOMAN IS A SAINT.

SHE'S DEVOTED
HER WHOLE LIFE

TO THE UPBRINGING
OF HER NIECE

AND HER IDIOT NEPHEW,

SELFLESSLY PUTTING
THEIR HEALTH,

THEIR HAPPINESS

ABOVE HER OWN
WOMANLY DESIRES

AND URGES...

AND NEEDS.

I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.

BUT, UH, I WOULD LIKE
TO READ OUT THIS LETTER
FROM HIS FATHER

WHICH WILL SERVE AS
A CHARACTER REFERENCE.

"IF IT PLEASES
YOUR WORSHIP,

MY SON IS A SCUM."

10 YEARS.

PLUS TWO FOR HAVING
PLEADED NOT GUILTY.

MAKING 13 YEARS IN ALL.

Emily's voice:
DEAREST GEORGE.

I GAVE YOU MY HEART
AND MY HYMEN,

BUT I WOULD RATHER
MARRY CEDRIC

THAN GIVE BIRTH
OUTSIDE OF WEDLOCK.

ALTHOUGH YOU AND I
CANNOT BE TOGETHER,

I WILL ENSURE YOUR CHILD HAS
THE BEST POSSIBLE UPBRINGING.

I SHALL HAND THE BABY
OVER TO YOUR FATHER--

NO!

SELL IT TO PIRATES.

ABANDON IT ON A MOUNTAIN.

LET IT BE BROUGHT UP
BY WOLVES. ANYTHING.

SHALL I PRETEND
IT IS CEDRIC'S, THEN?

WILL YOU NOT WAIT FOR ME?

( sniffles )

DEAR, DEAR GEORGE.

I'M BETROTHED
TO POOR, POOR CEDRIC.

NO.

POOR, POOR GEORGE.

I AM BETROTHED
TO DEAR, DEAR CEDRIC.

NO.

POOR, DEAR GEORGE,
I AM BETROTHED TO--

YOU DON'T LOVE HIM.

I MAY NOT LOVE HIM,
BUT HE IS PRESENTABLE.

SO IT'S GOODBYE.

I HATE SAYING GOODBYE.

AU REVOIR.

CIAO.

SHALOM.

SALAMU ALAIKUM.

( door opens, closes )

( crying )

( classical music playing )

( exhales )

AgneHUDSON!

WE'RE BACK!

I SAY, BRING ALL THIS STUFF
INDOORS, WILL YOU?

THERE'LL BE A SIXPENCE
IN IT FOR YOU.

THERE'LL BE ONE EXTRA
FOR DINNER!

( sighs )

( man singing opera )

BLOODY FOOLS.

( cell door closes )

COME ON.

NOW START UNDRESSING.

( moans )

START UNDOING THOSE,
BUT KEEP-- YEAH--
NO, KEEP--

I'M AWFULLY SORRY.

EXCUSE ME.
OUT, SIR! OUT!

OUT!

( both shouting )

OUT! OUT!
GET OUT!

IF YOU DON'T MIND.

AAH!

( humming )

YOU LOOKING FORWARD
TO TOMORROW, LAD?

RATHER. I HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD
BASH SINCE PATER'S FUNERAL.

UH...

I WISH THAT CEDRIC
WAS MORE LIKE YOU.

HE'S SUCH
A QUEER FELLOW,

AND YOU'RE ALWAYS
SO GAY.

OH, I DON'T THINK
WE'RE SO VERY DIFFERENT.

CEDRIC.

DARLING.

SOON WE'LL BE
MAN AND WIFE.

OR AS THE POET
HOMER SAID--

( screams )

EMILY.

OH, AUNT AGNES, I HAD
THE WORST NIGHTMARE!

- SHH.
- BUT HE--

- YOU'RE ALL RIGHT NOW.
- HE WAS--

YOU'LL WAKE
THE BABY.

( crying )

( screams )

EMILY,
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IT'S ALL RIGHT,
DARLING.

AUNT AGNES IS HERE.

- ( choking)
- WHAT?

- I KNOW THIS ISN'T REAL.
- WHAT?

DON'T WORRY.
IT'S JUST A DREAM.

( muffled screams )

( screaming stops )

( gasping )

SORRY, EVERYONE.

HERE, PRETTY BUNNY.

COME HERE, MY BEAUTY.

SON!

DAD.

HMM.

THERE YOU GO, SON.

THERE'S NO PLEASING
SOME PEOPLE.

- DAD, JUST--
- DON'T "DAD" ME!

THE SHAME YOU HAVE
BROUGHT ON THIS HOUSEHOLD.

ARSONIST. CONVICT.
ESCAPEE.

CONSORTING WITH PEOPLE
ABOVE YOUR STATION.

DAD, I AM GOING
TO MARRY EMILY!

YOUR MISS EMILY
IS TO MARRY YOUNG
MASTER CEDRIC.

THIS VERY DAY.

SHE DOESN'T LOVE HIM.

( scoffs )

WHAT DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT LOVE,
YOU WORKING-CLASS BRUTE?

LOVE KNOWS NO BOUNDS.

( muffled shouting )

I'VE NEVER HEARD
SUCH CLAPTRAP.

( muffled shouting )

I HAVE SIRED A LUNATIC
TO BE SURE.

( muffled shouting )

JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING
FOR THE JOURNEY.

IT'S TIME, DEAR.

OH, YOU LOOK SO LOVELY.

I'M SO HAPPY, I COULD CRY.

OH, AUNT AGNES,

JUST REMEMBER YOU'RE NOT
LOSING A NIECE,

YOU'RE GAINING A MAN
WHO'S...

AWFULLY GOOD AT CROQUET.

AND WHO CAN PROBABLY GREET
THE WEDDING GUESTS IN...

GREEK, LATIN.

SALVE.

DELIGHTED
TO MEET YOU.

KALIMERA.

AND HIEROGLYPHICS.

HOW DO YOU DO?

SALVE.

GO, BOY!

( muffled shouting )

COME ON, YOU LITTLE SOD!
I SAVED YOU!

DAMN IT! BLAST!

( screams )

( laughs )
CAPITAL.

ON YOUR WAY.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

LOOK, BUNNY, PLEASE,
JUST CHEW THE BINDINGS.

SALVE.
- GOOD DAY.

KALIMERA.

HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN IN LOVE?

PLEASE.

PLEASE.

GO ON.

...INTO WHICH HOLY ESTATE

THESE TWO PERSONS PRESENT,

THIS BEAUTIFUL
YOUNG WOMAN

WITH HER LOVELY
COMPLEXION

AND THIS MAN WITH HIS
UNSIGHTLY FACIAL HAIR,

COME NOW TO BE JOINED.

THEREFORE, IF ANY MAN
CAN SHOW ANY JUST CAUSE

WHY THEY MIGHT NOT LAWFULLY
BE JOINED TOGETHER,

LET HIM NOW SPEAK
OR ELSE HEREAFTER

FOREVER HOLD HIS PEACE.

FOR EXAMPLE,
IF ANY MAN HAS PROOF

THAT ONE OR OTHER
OF THESE TWO PERSONS
IS ALREADY MARRIED.

OR DOES ANYBODY KNOW
WHETHER ONE OR OTHER OF THEM

HAS ANY DISGUSTING
PERSONAL HABITS?

OR PERHAPS ONE OF THEM

HAS CAVORTED NAKED
WITH THE DEVIL?

NO?

WELL, THEN...

THERE'S NO RUSH.

SURELY SOMEBODY
HAS SOMETHING TO SAY.

WE'RE JUST SO HAPPY
TO BE HERE.

- IT'S SO QUAINT.
- IT'S JUST LIKE A FAIRY TALE.

YOU LOOK A TREAT, LOVE,
BUT GET ON WITH IT.

STOP!
SHE DOESN'T LOVE HIM!

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER
THAT'S A GOOD ENOUGH REASON.

RIGHT.
STAND BACK, EVERYONE.

THIS MAN IS
AN ESCAPED CONVICT.

NO!

LET HIM SPEAK.

IF SHE MARRIES
THAT UTTER COD

SHE'LL REGRET IT FOR
THE REST OF HER LIFE.

Horace:
YOU THINK SHE'LL MARRY YOU?

A MAN WITHOUT
A FAMILY MOTTO?

AYE.

YOU? YOU WHAT?

HE WHAT?

JUST AYE!

I?

I--I...

YOU? YOU?

OR DO YOU
MEAN JUST YOU?

I FEAR I MUST
CONFESS SOMETHING.

OH! OUT WITH IT!

EDWARD AND I

BORE FALSE WITNESS
AGAINST GEORGE.

WE DID IT, FRANKLY,

BECAUSE WE HAVE
THESE FEELINGS.

THESE STRANGE FEELINGS.

WE LOVE EACH OTHER!

( speaks Latin )

IT'S CALLED PROGRESS,
DEAREST.

PROGRESS?

EMILY,

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

I'VE ALWAYS SAID
THAT THE MAN THAT I MARRY

MUST BE PERFECT
IN EVERY WAY.

Tweeb:
I'M STILL A BACHELOR.

YES, GEORGE.

YES, I WILL MARRY YOU.

STOP! YOU'RE TOO GOOD
FOR HIM, LOVE!

YOU'RE ALL FINE LINEN,
LACE, AND SWEETNESS!

HE'S JUST A--

GET A MOVE ON, VICAR.
I'M GOING INTO LABOR.

( church bells ringing )

( camera shutter clicks )

♪ MAY I SEE
YOUR DAUGHTER? ♪

♪ MAY I SEE YOUR DAUGHTER,
MR. BOYD? ♪

♪ CAN I ASK HER TO PLAY? ♪

♪ WELL ♪

♪ MAY I SEE YOUR DAUGHTER? ♪

♪ MAY I ASK YOUR DAUGHTER,
MR. BOYD? ♪

♪ ASK IF SHE
WANTS TO PLAY ♪

♪ WE MUST START
PLAYING NOW ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE'RE ALL
GROWING OLD ♪

♪ WE MUST LIVE
ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE HAVEN'T
GOT LOVE ♪

♪ MAY I SEE
YOUR DAUGHTER? ♪

♪ MAY I ASK YOUR DAUGHTER,
MR. BOYD? ♪

♪ CAN I ASK HER TO PLAY? ♪

♪ CAN I HAVE
YOUR DAUGHTER? ♪

♪ CAN I HAVE YOUR DAUGHTER,
MR. BOYD? ♪

♪ ASK IF SHE
WANTS TO PLAY ♪

♪ OH ♪

♪ MR. BOYD,
YOU HAVE PLAYED ♪

♪ NOW IT'S OUR TURN
TO LIVE ♪

♪ MR. BOYD,
YOU HAVE TAKEN ♪

♪ NOW IT'S YOUR TURN
TO GIVE ♪

♪ OH, GIVE ♪

♪ I WILL SEE
YOUR DAUGHTER ♪

♪ SHE WILL SEE WE OUGHTA ♪

♪ NOT BE LISTENING
TO ANYTHING YOU SAY ♪

♪ WE WILL SING
AND DANCE TOGETHER ♪

♪ IN ALL KINDS
OF WEATHER ♪

♪ WHILE YOU, MR. BOYD,
WATCH US PLAY ♪

♪ OH ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA,
LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA, LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA,
LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ OH ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA,
LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA, LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA,
LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ OH ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA, LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA,
LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ OH ♪

♪ MR. BOYD, CAN I ASK
HER TO PLAY? ♪