Stiff Upper Lips (1998) Movie Script

( birds chirping )

( clock chimes )

Man: GO!

( cheering )

Man:

COME ON!

BLAST AND BUGGERATION.

IMMIGRANT CHAPPY'S

FAR TOO GOOD.

I TOLD YOU,

WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE

ALLOWED JEWS INTO

THE UNIVERSITY.

OR THE COUNTRY.

HMM. NOT BAD.

CEDERS,

FANCY A SNIFTER?

WE SHOULD NEVER

HAVE ALLOWED SHORTS.

THEY SHOULD RUN

AS GOD INTENDED:

BARE-CHEEKED,

STARK NAKED.

BUTTOCKS ALL A TREMBLE.

I HOPE YOU'LL BE MORE FUN

WHEN YOU MEET MY SISTER.

I SAID I HOPE YOU'LL BE MORE

FUN WHEN YOU MEET MY SISTER.

I SAID I'LL HOPE YOU'LL

BE MORE FUN WHEN YOU MEET--

( crowd grumbling )

OH, HELLO.

YOU DAMN TOFF.

EDWARD IVORY.

HOW DO YOU DO?

CEDRIC TRILLING,

HUGH DAMN TOFF.

NOT ONE OF

THE HAMPSHIRE DAMN TOFFS

BY ANY CHANCE?

AS I WAS SAYING,

I DO HOPE YOU'LL BE MORE

FUN WHEN YOU MEET HER.

SHE'S A CORKING PEACH.

( train whistle blows )

( groans )

( sighs )

WON'T DO.

( bicycle bells ringing )

( squeaking )

( humming )

( horse whinnies )

- ( humming )

( ship's horn blows )

( humming )

( groans )

( exhales )

( cow moos )

( moos )

( classical music playing )

( gasping )

AH, HUDSON SENIOR.

GOOD MAN.

WHEN MATER AND PATER DIED,

WE HAD HUNDREDS OF LETTERS

FROM FUSSY, MIDDLE-AGED

SPINSTER AUNTS.

GOOD DAY TO YOU,

MASTER EDWARD.

UH, YOUR TICKET,

PLEASE, SIR.

THE AUNTS ALL WANTED TO

BRING US UP TO BE ARROGANT,

EMOTIONALLY STUNTED,

AND COMPLETELY OUT OF TOUCH

WITH THE REAL WORLD.

BUT AUNT AGNES WAS THE ONLY

ONE WHO WAS ACTUALLY RELATED.

BEGGING YOUR PARDON,

MASTER EDWARD,

BUT YOU SHOULD ALSO HAVE

A TICKET. I MUST INSIST.

I DO SO HATE

ORDINARY PEOPLE.

YOU MUSTN'T HATE THEM.

THEY HAVE SMALLER BRAINS.

AH.

- HUDSON?

- ( bell tolls )

HUDSON!

Edward: AWFUL SHAME

ABOUT YOUR FATHER.

STROKES ARE RARELY FATAL.

I WONDER WHAT CEDRIC

WILL BE LIKE.

EDWARD SAID THAT

HE'S MOST HANDSOME.

IN WHICH CASE WE MUST

MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION.

- RUTHIE?

- YES, MA'AM?

- YOU'RE FIRED.

- YES, MA'AM.

OH, AUNT AGNES,

HOW COULD YOU?

NOW WE HAVE NO ONE LEFT

TO CLEAN THE HOUSE.

IF YOU DON'T FIND

A HUSBAND QUICKLY,

YOU WILL SOON BE

AN OLD MAID LIKE ME.

BUT I'M ONLY 22.

WHY EVER DID YOU

TURN DOWN THAT PROPOSAL

FROM THE VICAR?

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

MR. TWEEB?

HIS EYEBROWS ARE

OVER TWICE

THE SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE

LEVEL OF BUSHINESS.

THE MAN THAT I MARRY MUST

BE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.

HMM. HMM.

( cracks )

WATCH OUT!

UHH!

- EDWARD, COULD YOU

PLEASE SLOW DOWN?

- WHY?

EMILY, THIS IS MY

VERY DEAR FRIEND

MR. CEDRIC TRILLING.

HOW CHARMING TO MEET YOU.

AND THIS IS AUNT AGNES,

OUR GUARDIAN,

WITH THE WITHERING LOOK.

I WAS JUST REMARKING

HOW IMPORTANT IT IS

FOR A YOUNG LADY TO BE

MARRIED BY THE AGE OF 22.

HASN'T THE WEATHER

BEEN PLEASANT?

MOST CERTAINLY.

THE SKY THIS MORNING

WAS EXACTLY AS THE POET

HOMER DESCRIBED.

"DAWNS OF ROSY-TIPPED

FINGERS ILLUMINATING

THE HEAVENS."

HMM.

AND WASN'T THE RAIN

YESTERDAY DREADFUL?

MOST CERTAINLY.

IT WAS EXACTLY AS

THE POET HOMER DESCRIBED.

"THE SPARKLING DROPLETS

FELL FROM THE SKY

LIKE FRAGILE TEARS

FROM THE SWOLLEN EYES OF

THE DAUGHTER OF ZEUS."

DAUGHTER OF ZEUS?

I EXPECT SHE WAS MARRIED

BEFORE SHE WAS 22, HMM?

RIGHT, OLD FELLOW.

SHOW YOU TO YOUR ROOM.

WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS

EMBARRASS ME?

A LADY SHOULD NEVER

DISCUSS THE WEATHER

WITH A POTENTIAL HUSBAND.

YOU OUGHT TO MAINTAIN

AN AIR OF MYSTERY FOR

THE WEDDING NIGHT.

HURRY UP WITH THOSE, HUDSON!

IT'S NEARLY TIME FOR TEA!

AND, EMILY...

DO TRY TO LOOK PRETTIER.

WHAT'S UP, SON?

SOME BLOODY FOOLS IN

A MOTORCAR ALMOST KILLED ME!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

COME SIT BY THE FIRE.

I'LL PUT SOME NICE

RAW VEGETABLES IN

BOILING WATER FOR YOU.

MMM.

IDIOTS WERE HEADING

FOR IVORY HALL.

IVORY HALL?

YOU HAVEN'T...

DENTED THE ROLLS?

OW!

PEOPLE LIKE US

ARE THE SCUM

OF THE EARTH.

AND DON'T YOU EVER

FORGET IT.

COME HERE, BUNNY.

HERE AT IVORY HALL,

WE HAVE A FEW

LITTLE TRADITIONS.

- THE FEWER AND LITTLER

THE BETTER.

- Agnes: YES.

CUCUMBER SANDWICHES

PARKED ALWAYS

TO THE RIGHT,

LEMON TEA IS DRUNK ONLY

ON TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS,

EXCEPT IN LENT,

AND YOU MUST NEVER

USE YOUR KNIFE

FOR BUTTERING

HOT MUFFINS...

UNLESS YOU ARE A MEMBER OF

HIS MAJESTY'S ARMED FORCES.

I TRUST YOU WILL ENDEAVOR

NOT TO FORGET THEM.

I SHALL NOT FORGET THEM.

I SHALL IGNORE THEM.

- ( rings bell )

- ( grunts )

EMILY, DEAR, DO LAUGH

AT MR. TRILLING'S

DELIGHTFUL WITTICISM.

CERTAINLY, THE MOMENT

HE MAKES ONE.

( rings bell )

HUDSON!

OH, GOD.

MMM. THESE CUCUMBER SANDWICHES

ARE MARVELOUS, ARE THEY NOT?

HUDSON BAKED

THE LOAF HIMSELF.

THE CUCUMBER OUGHT TO BE

MORE FINELY SLICED,

AND THE TEXTURE OF THE BREAD

IS RATHER TOO ROUGH.

IS THE TEA

TO YOUR LIKING?

IT IS EXACTLY AS THE POET

HOMER DESCRIBED.

"LIKE THE POISONOUS

BROWN JUICE

WHICH FLOWS FROM THE GIANT

LIZARD OF HELL."

AND WHAT ABOUT

THE CHAIR?

IS THE CHAIR ON WHICH YOU

ARE SITTING SATISFACTORY?

PERHAPS IT'S MADE OUT OF

THE WRONG TYPE OF WOOD.

PERHAPS THE UPHOLSTERY IS

AS THE POET HOMER DESCRIBED--

SHE IS SOMEWHAT NERVOUS

IN THE PRESENCE OF SUITORS.

OH, AUNT AGNES,

I HAVE NO INTENTION OF

MARRYING MR. TRILLING.

EMILY.

- I MUST CONFESS I DO NOT

LIKE HIM IN THE SLIGHTEST.

- EMILY!

- IN FACT, I HATE HIM.

HE HAS NO MANNERS.

I SHOULD RATHER KILL

MYSELF THAN MARRY HIM.

I DO HOPE I HAVE NOT

OFFENDED YOU IN ANY WAY.

NO, NO, NO.

I SHALL WRITE A LETTER

OF APOLOGY IMMEDIATELY.

IT IS I WHO IS

IN THE WRONG.

I SHALL DEPART FOR

CAMBRIDGE STRAIGHTAWAY.

YOU CAN'T GO!

WE CAN'T PLAY CROQUET

WITH ONLY THREE OF US.

Edward: OH, HUDSON!

CROQUET, PLEASE.

CERTAINLY, SIR.

Agnes's voice:

TODAY HAS GONE SPLENDIDLY.

EMILY FEIGNS DISLIKE,

BUT I SENSE A WEAKENING

ON HER PART.

Emily's voice:

HIS MUSTACHE QUITE

RESEMBLES

A PAIR OF

WET HEDGEHOG'S PORES.

( sighs )

PERHAPS I WAS TOO HASTY

ABOUT THE VICAR'S EYEBROWS.

( sighs )

Cedric's voice:

THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT

HER SLIM, ELEGANT FIGURE

THAT RATHER REMINDS ME

OF EDWARD.

HMM.

Edward's voice:

DEAR DIARY.

IT IS SUCH FUN

TO BE BACK AT IVORY HALL.

I AM VERY PLEASED

TO SEE MY BEARS AGAIN,

AND THEY ARE

VERY PLEASED TO SEE ME.

( toy bear groans )

NIGHTY-NIGHT, TEDDERS.

Man on record:

Allowable Face Movements

for Butlers: Part Three.

The upper lip

must never tremble.

It might be interpreted

as human emotion,

which is most

unacceptable.

MM-HMM.

When being insulted,

a hint of a polite smile

is customary.

Teeth must never

be revealed.

Gums should be

cleaned daily

with seven parts sulfuric acid

to one part water

in order not to offend

the noses of employ--

WHERE WILL YOU GO?

OH, ME NANA'S KINDLY

INVITED ME TO LONDON TOWN

TO STAY WITH HER

AND BE A PROSTITUTE.

YOU ARE INDEED

FORTUNATE

TO HAVE SUCH AN

UNDERSTANDING FAMILY.

IF YOU'RE EVER PASSING,

DO POP IN.

( chuckles )

LIKE HER AND ME MUM

AND ME SISTER,

I HOPE TO BEAR MANY

ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN

INTO ABJECT POVERTY.

AND YOU?

WILL YOU MANAGE

ON YOUR OWN?

I AM A HUDSON.

AND YOU NEVER GET BITTER?

( rings )

NEVER?

- ( ringing )

- ( door closes )

( sighs )

( laughs )

MMM.

I DO WISH YOU WOULD

LET ME LEND YOU

A PAIR OF TRUNKS.

Cedric:

I'M QUITE HAPPY LIKE THIS.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK

OF MY SISTER?

SHUSH. SOMEONE MAY

OVERHEAR US.

CEDERS.

IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING

ABOUT THIS MATTER,

I, FOR MY PART, INSIST

WE DO IT IN LATIN.

UM...

( speaking Latin )

SHE HAS JACKDAWS

THAT MUST BE BAKED?

SLIM HIPS.

OH.

WHAT ELSE?

WHAT?

SHE OWNS

WARLIKE SWANS?

NOT OLORUS BELLICOSUS.

OCULUS BELLUS.

OH, EYES!

WARLIKE EYES.

NO, BEAUTIFUL EYES.

BEAUTIFUL EYES.

SHE HAS BEAUTIFUL EYES.

AND?

Cedric: AND...

SHE HAS GHOSTS

FROM BELGIUM?

MAMMAS, BREASTS.

BELLUS IS RATHER PRETTY

OR INTERESTING!

SHE HAS RATHER PRETTY

OR INTERESTING BREASTS!

Edward: AND WHAT DO YOU

THINK OF HER CHARACTER?

SOMETHING SOMETHING

SOMETHING SURGEON.

EXACTLY.

( shrieks )

SHE CAN'T SWIM.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

SHE'S YOUR SISTER.

WE'VE GOT TO DO

SOMETHING.

Emily: HELP!

- ( speaking Latin )

- WHAT?

( yelling in Latin )

( speaking Latin )

( coughing )

( gasping )

THANK YOU.

I--I OWE YOU MY LIFE.

BUT, BRAVE STRANGER,

WHO ARE YOU?

MY NAME'S GEORGE.

Emily:

GEORGE.

YOU HAVE A RIPPING SET

OF UNMENTIONABLES.

EW.

HE'S A VILLAGER.

HOW DARE YOU!

CLEAR OFF,

YOU HORRID RUFFIAN.

SHE COULD HAVE DROWNED.

GO BACK TO YOUR HOVEL.

WELL SAID, CEDERS.

I SAVED HER LIFE!

YOU DID NOT SAVE MY LIFE.

AND IT IS IMPERTINENT,

ALTHOUGH TYPICAL,

OF YOUR OBVIOUS

PEASANT UPBRINGING

TO THINK THAT YOU DID.

IN FACT, CEDRIC

SAVED MY LIFE...

BY SHOUTING

SO BRAVELY.

NOW, I'M WILLING NOT TO

REPORT THIS TO A CONSTABLE

SO LONG AS YOU GO AWAY AND

NEVER SPEAK OF IT TO ANYONE.

SHOO.

( sneezes )

SHOO!

AgneI CAN'T BELIEVE

THAT YOU DID NOT EXPRESS

YOUR GRATITUDE.

HE WAS A PEASANT,

AND HE HAD NO CLOTHES ON.

I PROBABLY CAUGHT

SOME AWFUL DISEASE

JUST FROM BEING IN

CLOSE CONTACT WITH HIM.

Agnes:

NO CLOTHES ON AT ALL?

IT WAS QUITE,

QUITE HORRID.

AH--AH--AH...

AH...

NOTHING?

NO.

- MAY I HAVE SOME MORE

SOUP, PLEASE, HUDSON?

- CERTAINLY.

AND HE WAS STANDING WITH

HIS FRONT TOWARDS YOU?

YES, AND I COULD

SEE SOMETHING...

DANGLING.

- ( clears throat )

- EdwarI CAN VOUCH

FOR THAT.

ALTHOUGH HIS DANGLING

WAS NOTHING LIKE MINE.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, CEDERS?

IT WAS A WORKING-CLASS

DANGLING.

HE DIDN'T DANGLE

WITH DIGNITY.

AHEM! AHEM! AHEM!

QUITE RIGHT, HUDSON.

IT IS REALLY QUITE IMPROPER

THAT A MATTER SUCH AS THIS

SHOULD BE DISCUSSED

OVER DINNER.

( sneezes )

SEND FOR THE DOCTOR.

CERTAINLY, MA'AM.

AND HOW ARE WE TODAY?

ILL.

SHE HAS AN AWFUL COLD.

WHAT TREATMENT DO YOU

RECOMMEND, DOCTOR?

PLEASE REMOVE

ALL YOUR GARMENTS.

SHALL I GO?

WELL, THE OINTMENT

IS RATHER SMELLY.

OH, YES, RIGHT.

( plays )

- HUDSON?

- SIR?

RIGHT.

HURRY UP.

- THANK YOU.

- SIR.

WHAT IS THAT

YOU'RE READING?

SHOW ME.

IT'S THE NEW

E.M. FORSTER NOVEL.

OH, NOT ANOTHER ONE.

IS IT AMUSING?

WELL, I FIND IT

DIFFICULT TO IDENTIFY

WITH THE CHARACTERS,

BUT THE LOCATIONS

ARE QUITE ENCHANTING.

THIS STEAMY TRIFLE

IS BY A MISS CARTLAND.

( grunts )

Doctor: I DON'T HAVE

ALL DAY, MISS EMILY.

I'M GOING

AS FAST AS I CAN.

( Emily grunts )

I WONDER IF I MIGHT

HAVE A WORD, MA'AM.

OF COURSE, HUDSON.

WHAT IS IT?

HOW CAN I BEST

PUT THIS?

UH, MY FAMILY HAS WORKED

FOR YOUR FAMILY

GOING BACK FIVE

GENERATIONS NOW.

TRADITION IS

A FINE, FINE THING.

INDEED, MA'AM.

UH, HOW BEST TO PUT THIS?

AFTER YEARS OF DEVOTED

SERVICE, FRANKLY...

I'M GETTING A SHADE

PEED OFF.

HUDSON!

YOU HAVE DISMISSED, MA'AM,

ALL MY SENIOR UNDER-BUTLERS,

AND, MA'AM, MY JUNIOR

OVER-BUTLER'S LEAVING

ME, MA'AM,

TO RUN THIS ENTIRE ESTATE.

HUDSON--

DON'T "HUDSON" ME,

IF I MAY BE SO BOLD.

YOUR IDIOT FAMILY

IS QUITE BARKING MAD.

WELL...

IS THIS WHY

YOU'VE BEEN URINATING

IN THE SOUP AGAIN?

THERE WILL BE WORSE

TO COME, MA'AM,

IN THE MAIN COURSE

AND THE PUDDING,

IF I DON'T GET A BREAK

OF SOME SORT.

WHAT A CAPITAL IDEA.

EDWARD?

( both playing )

HUDSON HAS JUST GIVEN ME

THE MOST DELIGHTFUL IDEA.

I PROPOSE THE BEST CURE

FOR EMILY'S AWFUL COLD

IS A TRIP TO ITALY.

BUT WHAT ABOUT

THE OINTMENT?

OH, YES, PLEASE.

A HOLIDAY WILL MAKE ME

FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

SHE COULD DIE UNLESS

SHE GETS THIS OINTMENT.

I CAN MAKE

THE ARRANGEMENTS

AT ONCE!

OH!

WHAT ABOUT THE OINTMENT?

UM, I'VE GOT

A BIT OF A SNUFFLE.

GOOD EVENING,

DEAR LADY.

MR. TWEEB.

GOOD EVENING.

MAY I VENTURE TO ASK

IF THERE IS ANY NEWS?

ABOUT WHAT?

MY PROPOSAL

TO YOUR NIECE.

OH, DEAR.

DID I FORGET TO TELL YOU?

SHE SAID NO.

SHE SAID YOUR EYEBROWS

WERE TOO BUSHY.

AND ANYWAY,

SHE HAS A NEW ADMIRER.

GOOD EVENING.

♪ THEY ALL SUPPOSE WHAT

THEY WANT TO SUPPOSE ♪

♪ IT'S THE SAME

OOMPAH-PAH. ♪

( singing stops )

- MA'AM.

I'M LOOKING FOR THE YOUNG

MAN WHO RESCUED MY NIECE.

I BELIEVE HIS NAME

IS GEORGE.

MY NIECE DREW THIS.

( men muttering )

THAT'LL BE ERIC'S LAD.

WHERE IS THIS ERIC?

EXCUSE ME, GOOD LADY.

BEGGING YOUR PARDON

AND EVERYTHING.

YOUR LADYSHIP,

I HAVE A SON,

YOUR EXTREME DAINTINESS,

WHOSE NAME,

IF IT PLEASES YOUR WORSHIP,

IS GEORGE.

( slowly )

IS HE ALSO AN IMBECILE?

HOW DARE YOU

TOUCH A LADY!

BUT SHE WAS

DROWNING, DAD!

SO? HER, IN A DELICATE,

AS WHITE AS LINEN!

AND YOU AND YOUR

FILTHY PEASANT RAGS!

I DON'T BELIEVE SO.

OH.

YOU WERE NAKED.

NAKED?

IN THE SAME COUNTY AS YOUR

NIECE WITHOUT HIS PANTS ON.

BUT SHE COULD HAVE

BLOODY DIED, ALL RIGHT?

I BEG YOU,

DEAR SWEET LADY.

IS THERE SOME WAY HE COULD

PUT RIGHT THE TERRIBLE WRONG

HE HAS DONE TO YOU,

YOUR FAMILY, AND THE KING?

OH, GET UP,

FOR GOODNESS' SAKE.

THERE IS INDEED A WAY

HE CAN PUT RIGHT

THIS DREADFUL WRONG.

OH, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

YOU SHALL ACCOMPANY US ON

A TRIP TO ITALY AS SERVANT.

SERVANT?

Eric: THANK YOU!

HOW BLOODY TYPICAL

OF YOUR BLOODY CLASS.

I'M NOT GOING.

I'M STAYING HERE.

MY DAD NEEDS ME.

BOLLOCKS I DO.

A SON OF MINE SERVANT TO

HOLIDAYING GENTLEFOLK?

IF ONLY MY DAD

COULD HAVE LIVED

TO SEE THIS HAPPY DAY.

OF COURSE, I UNDERSTAND

IF YOU WOULD PREFER

TO REMAIN HERE FOR

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE,

JUST YOU, YOUR FATHER,

AND A HOVEL FULL OF

RABBIT ENTRAILS.

Eric: ITALY!

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

BUT WHY?

WHY HIM?

HUDSON CAN'T GO.

BUT WHY?

( sneezes )

HE HAS...

HE HAS A BLADDER PROBLEM.

- BUT WHY?

- BECAUSE!

AND ONE MORE

"BUT WHY" FROM YOU

AND WE SHAN'T GO AT ALL.

OH, AUNT AGNES, I HATE YOU!

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!

AUNT AGNES?

HELP?

HELP!

( indistinct chatter )

( classical music playing )

( exhales )

OH, NO.

AUNT AGNES!

THIS IS NOT AT ALL WHAT

WE WERE LED TO EXPECT!

( Italian music plays )

Emily:

EDWARD, LET GO!

LET GO!

OH, EDWARD, WHY DO YOU

HAVE TO BE SUCH A BABY?

IT'S MY ROOM.

NOW JUST LET GO

OF THE KEY.

YOU KNOW YOU

DON'T LIKE SUNSHINE.

IT GIVES YOU HEADACHES.

( taps glass )

WHAT IF EMILY

EXCHANGES WITH ME?

THEN I'LL EXCHANGE

WITH EDWARD

SO THAT EDWARD CAN

EXCHANGE WITH MR. TWEEB.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE

YOU'RE STAYING HERE.

IT IS A COINCIDENCE.

UTTERLY...

- George: DAMN.

- COINCIDENTAL.

WELL, THEN, MR. TWEEB

CAN EXCHANGE WITH--

HELLFIRE.

HE CAN SWAP WITH US.

WE GOT A GREAT VIEW.

BACK HOME, ALL THE ROOMS

HAVE FANTASTIC VIEWS.

THEN KINDLY

RETURN THERE AT ONCE.

AS I WAS SAYING, MR. TWEEB

CAN EXCHANGE WITH...

UM, WHO'S LEFT?

ME.

I AM NOT SLEEPING

IN THE STABLES.

MIGHT I BE ALLOWED

TO SUGGEST A SOLUTION?

EDWARD CAN SHARE MY ROOM.

OH, YES.

AND GEORGE CAN HAVE

EDWARD'S ROOM.

- THERE. SEE HOW

SIMPLE IT ALL IS?

- George: SOD IT!

I THINK WE'LL MANAGE

WITHOUT THE GRAVY, GEORGE.

ISN'T IT ALL SO BEAUTIFUL,

AUNT AGNES?

THE CITY'S SUCH

A DANGEROUS PLACE

FOR AN INNOCENT,

YOUNG ENGLISHWOMAN.

ANYTHING COULD

HAPPEN. GEORGE?

OH, LET'S HOPE SO.

I THINK I MIGHT RUN NAKED

THROUGH THE ANCIENT RUINS.

YOU WILL DO

NO SUCH THING.

PEOPLE PASSING BY MIGHT

SEE YOUR PRIVATE PARTS.

GEORGE.

SINCE WE ARRIVED IN ITALY,

THOSE PARTS HAVE BECOME

A SOURCE OF MUCH PLEASURE

AND MUCH FRUSTRATION.

Agnes: THINK OF CEDRIC.

HE'LL NEVER MARRY YOU.

THERE ARE PLENTY MORE FISH

IN THE GRAND CANAL.

ACCORDING TO

MY GUIDEBOOK,

IF WE TURN LEFT

AND THEN FIRST RIGHT,

WE SHOULD BE STANDING

DIRECTLY IN FRONT

OF THE EIFFEL TOWER.

( clears throat )

EMILY.

EMILY?

( speaking Italian )

EMILY!

STOP IT!

BUT, AUNT AGNES,

I'M THIRSTY.

THEY MIGHT GET

THE WRONG IDEA.

THEY MIGHT THINK

THAT, WELL, UH...

THAT YOU WANT TO

GET MARRIED TO THEM.

YOU'RE DESPERATE FOR ME

TO GET MARRIED.

YES, BUT NOT

TO AN ITALIAN.

MY FEET ARE HURTING.

I'VE GOT BLISTERS

THE SIZE OF BOGNOR.

THAT'S NOTHING.

MY BLISTERS ARE EXACTLY

AS THE POET--

Emily:

WOULD YOU SHUT UP?

- GEORGE?

- WHAT?

AH. LAY THE LAWN,

PLEASE, GEORGE.

THANK YOU, GEORGE.

LOAD IT ALL UP AGAIN.

( laughing )

( both snoring)

CEDRIC.

( sing-song )

OH, CEDRIC.

IT'S ME.

EMILY.

HUH?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

EDWARD, CLEAR OFF

OR I'LL HIT YOU.

RIGHT-O.

IT IS REALLY NOT PROPER

FOR YOU TO BE HERE.

WHAT WOULD YOUR AUNT SAY?

MR. TRILLING,

YOU ARE MOST HANDSOME.

I FEAR SHE WOULD SAY

NO SUCH THING.

( blowing )

EDWARD!

I'M A YOUNG VIRGIN

IN ITALY.

I WANT MY SEXUAL AWAKENING,

AND I WANT IT NOW.

UHH!

DESCRIBED IN CHAPTERS

ONE TO 42 HAVE ALL FAILED,

DO NOT DESPAIR.

HELP IS AT HAND.

THE ENGLISH MEMBER

CAN OFTEN BE EXCITED

BY ORAL STIMULATION.

TRY THE FOLLOWING

WORDS--

ANKLE.

NAVEL.

TONGUE.

CRICKET.

NANNY.

WARM BEER.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

SHAKESPEARE.

EARL GREY.

- STEAK AND KIDNEY.

ETON. CAMBR--"

- ( gasps )

ETON.

ETON. ETON.

- Edward: CAN I COME IN YET?

- NO!

ETON. ETON. ETON.

ETON. ETON.

- PLEASE?

- OH, EDWARD!

EDWARD! EDWARD!

OUT.

OH, REALLY, EDWARD.

NOW, ACCORDING

TO MY GUIDEBOOK,

WE MUST BE ON

THE LOOKOUT

FOR ELEPHANTS

AND RHINOCEROSES.

- MR. TWEEB?

- YES, MISS EMILY?

WE'RE HERE.

MISS EMILY, HAVE YOU

NOT NOTICE SOMETHING

A LITTLE DIFFERENT?

DEAR HEAVENS,

YOU TRIMMED YOUR EYEBROWS.

THEIR LENGTH

IS NOW DECENT?

AS DECENT A PAIR

OF EYEBROWS

AS I'VE SEEN ON

A MEMBER OF THE CLERGY.

WELL DONE.

SUCH UNFORTUNATE

NASAL HAIR.

OH, LOOK!

AH, MR. TRILLING.

WHAT CAN POSSIBLY COMPARE

TO A SIMPLE PICNIC?

A DOG BITE.

TOOTH EXTRACTION.

WAR.

FOOD ALWAYS TASTES NICER

IN THE OPEN AIR.

NO, IT ALWAYS TASTES

EXACTLY THE SAME.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

AND WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE

OF A QUITE SPECTACULAR

COUNTRYSIDE.

WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS

CRITICIZE EVERYTHING?

IT'S MY HOBBY.

I THOUGHT PERHAPS

YOU WERE COMPENSATING

FOR SOME INADEQUACY.

( sniffs )

( dishes clatter )

COME FOR A WALK.

I'M BUSY.

I'M GOING FOR A WALK,

AND I WANT YOU

TO COME WITH ME.

I SAID I'M--

( opera playing )

KISS ME.

NO.

JUST 'CAUSE I'M EMPLOYED

AS YOUR SERVANT

DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO

ABUSE ME LIKE A PIECE OF WOOD.

ETON.

I HAD A SANDWICH.

WHAT? NO, I...

STEAK AND KIDNEY.

BEG YOUR PARDON?

- OH, DEAR.

( opera continues )

THE WEATHER'S

VERY NICE TODAY.

EMILY!

COME QUICKLY!

MR. TRILLING HAS ACHIEVED

THE MOST AMAZING ERECTION.

OH.

( sniffs )

( door opens )

I WANT YOU TO KNOW

WHAT HAPPENED TODAY

MUST NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

I AGREE.

I DON'T BLAME YOU.

YOU CAN'T HELP YOURSELF.

YOU'RE A MEMBER OF

THE LOWER CLASS--

I SAID I AGREE.

WELL, I DESPISE YOU.

WELL, I DESPISE

YOU, TOO.

I DESPISE YOU MORE

THAN YOU DESPISE ME.

OH.

( sniffs )

Emily:

I DESPISE YOU.

OH, GOD,

I DESPISE YOU.

( moaning )

OH, GOD, I DESPISE YOU.

OH, GOD.

HAVE FAITH, MY CHILD.

HAVE FAITH.

EmilI DESPISE YOU.

OH, GOD. OH, GOD.

HAVE FAITH.

OH, GOD! OH, GOD!

OH, GOD!

HAVE FAITH. HAVE FAITH.

HAVE FAITH.

( moaning loudly )

OH, GOD! OH, YES!

SWEET JESUS! OH!

YOU WERE RIPPING

LAST NIGHT.

THANKS VERY MUCH.

SUCH...

STRONG ARMS.

AYE.

THAT'S THE RABBIT-SKINNING

FOR YOU.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW,

GEORGE?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE NEVER REALLY

DONE THIS BEFORE.

WILL YOU DO

THE RIGHT THING?

OF COURSE.

EMILY, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

THANK YOU. I WILL

CONSIDER YOUR PROPOSAL

AND REPLY TO YOU

BY LETTER.

NOW...

BRING ME MY BREAKFAST.

Emily's voice: DEAR GEORGE.

I'M MOST FRIGHTFULLY SORRY,

BUT I MUST REFUSE YOUR

KIND OFFER OF MARRIAGE.

YOURS SINCERELY,

MISS E. IVORY.

George's voice:

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND

WHY YOU HAVE REJECTED ME.

PLEASE RECONSIDER.

GEORGE.

Emily's voice:

I CANNOT POSSIBLY MARRY

BENEATH MY STATION. EMILY.

George's voice:

WHY NOT?

Emily's voice:

BECAUSE!

George's voice:

BECAUSE WHAT?

IS CLASS A BARRIER

TO TRUE LOVE?

DID LAST NIGHT

MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?

Eric's voice:

DEAR SON.

PEOPLE LIKE US ARE

THE SCUM OF THE EARTH,

AND DON'T YOU EVER FORGET IT.

FULL STOP. YOUR DAD.

FULL STOP.

WHAT'S WRONG

WITH YOU, CHILD?

NOTHING.

WELL, THEN...

STOP LOOKING LIKE SOMEONE

WHO JUST LOST HER VIRGINITY.

WHAT?

OI, GIVE ME

MY BALL BACK.

Agnes:

MR. TRILLING.

DO AMUSE US WITH YOUR

RAPIER-LIKE WIT.

NO.

( laughs )

( men singing in Italian )

THIS LAWN

IS AWFULLY HEAVY.

ISN'T IT EMILY'S TURN?

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY YOU HAD TO GIVE

THE SERVANT THE DAY OFF.

I HAD NO CHOICE.

HE EXPLAINED IT

ALL TO ME.

A SERVANT HAS HALF

A DAY OFF EACH FORTNIGHT

OR A WHOLE DAY IF IT'S

IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY.

Edward: WHY DID YOU

AGREE TO THAT?

BECAUSE IF I DIDN'T AGREE,

HE'D GO ON STRIKE.

I'LL HORSEWHIP

HIS BACKSIDE.

- AND SO WILL I.

- I SAID IT FIRST.

THAT LOOKS LIKE

HIS BACKSIDE TO ME.

I'LL LEAVE YOU TWO

TO FIGHT IT OUT.

WE'RE GOING BACK TO

THE PENSIONE. EMILY.

OH, PLEASE

LET ME STAY.

I'LL BE SAFE

WITH EDWARD.

SAFE WITH EDWARD?

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR SENSES?

AND WITH THE HANDSOME

MR. TRILLING.

WHAT COLOR

AM I AGAIN?

BLACK.

MY BROTHER AND CEDRIC

ARE PLAYING CHESS

FOR THE HONOR OF

HORSEWHIPPING YOUR BACKSIDE.

BLACK, EH?

HMM.

EH?

( arguing in Italian )

WHAT DID HE SAY?

"SHE'S MINE.

I HAVE HER."

AND THEN THE OTHER ONE

SAID, "NO, I WANT--

I WANT TO PIERCE OR

OTHERWISE PENETRATE."

HURRY UP, OLD CHAP.

THIS IS A LATIN DICTIONARY,

EDWARD, NOT ITALIAN.

I'M ENDEAVORING TO

PROVIDE AS ACCURATE

A TRANSLATION AS I CAN.

MY SISTER'S OVER THERE!

YOU'VE GOT TO HELP!

SHE MIGHT BE PIERCED

OR OTHERWISE PENETRATED!

IT'S MY DAY OFF.

( ticking )

( sniffs )

IT'S GETTING VERY LATE.

I DO HOPE THEY'RE SAFE.

NO, THANK YOU. THE BRITISH

CAN LOOK AFTER THEMSELVES.

( scoffs )

YEAH, RIGHT.

SO, SHE'S COMPLETELY

REPULSED

BY ALL MANNER OF

FACIAL HAIR, THEN?

YES, I'M AFRAID SHE IS.

AREN'T YOU GOING

TO RESCUE ME?

OW!

I INSIST THAT YOU

RESCUE ME AT ONCE!

NO. I'M TOO COMMON.

I NEVER SAID

YOU WERE COMMON.

THEN WHY WON'T YOU

MARRY ME?

MAYBE I'M AFRAID TO COMMIT.

I COME FROM A VERY

REPRESSED BACKGROUND.

I'M TRYING TO COME TO TERMS

WITH THE REAL ME,

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHO THE REAL ME IS.

I HAVE TO LEARN

TO LOVE MYSELF.

WELL?

WHAT HAPPENED?

WE HAD TO LEAVE EMILY

IN THE BAR

IN THE MIDDLE OF

A REALLY BIG FIGHT.

AS THE POET HOMER SAID,

LIKE A RIVER OF

ROSY-DAPPLED ENTRAILS."

WE MUST WRITE TO THE BRITISH

AMBASSADOR AT ONCE.

YOU MAY HAVE

CUTE ACCENTS,

BUT YOU'VE NO IDEA HOW

TO PROTECT YOURSELVES.

- ( cocks rifle )

- LET'S GO, HON.

EMILY!

THANK YOU, GEORGE.

I REALLY CAN'T ABIDE

THESE PUBLIC DISPLAYS

OF AFFECTION.

YOU KNOW, YOU ARE

WHAT WE CALL

A REAL TIGHT ASS.

YOU'RE MOST KIND.

THIS TRIP HAS BEEN

AN AWFUL MISTAKE.

FIRST I HAD MY UNDERWEAR

STOLEN, AND NOW THIS.

ITALY IS SO FOREIGN.

LOOK AT THE EFFECT IT HAS

HAD ON POOR MR. TWEEB.

( groans )

I PROPOSE WE GO

SOMEWHERE MORE ENGLISH.

THE LAWN, PLEASE,

GEORGE.

( Indian music playing )

Agnes:

IT IS SO KIND OF YOU

TO TAKE US IN.

ITALY WROUGHT HAVOC

WITH EMILY'S DELICATE

CONSTITUTION.

WE COULDN'T FIND

A SINGLE PENSIONE

IN ALL OF DELHI.

GREAT-UNCLE HORACE

OWNS THE BIGGEST TEA

PLANTATION IN INDIA.

IT COVERS AN AREA FOUR TIMES

THE SIZE OF SCOTLAND.

IT'S PRETTIER

THAN SCOTLAND.

MORE INTERESTING

THAN SCOTLAND.

AND BEST OF ALL,

THERE ARE NO SCOTSMEN

LIVING HERE.

OF COURSE WE MUSTN'T

OUTSTAY OUR WELCOME.

WE SHALL LEAVE FOR

ENGLAND AS SOON AS

EMILY'S ABILITY

TO HOLD HER BREAKFAST

DOWN IMPROVES.

OR TOMORROW.

EDWARD!

STOP IT AT ONCE!

WHEN IN ROME...

PUT IT AWAY.

INDIA'S DRIVEN MANY PEOPLE

ABSOLUTELY MAD,

INCLUDING MYSELF.

YES, WELL, I'M SURE

EMILY'S FEELING

BETTER ALREADY.

LET'S BE OFF.

DEAR LADY, THE PRESENCE

OF A BEAUTIFUL ENGLISHWOMAN

IS RARE IN THESE PARTS.

YOU, TOO, HAVE DESIGNS

ON MY NIECE.

AREN'T YOU A LITTLE

ON THE OLD SIDE?

I WASN'T REFERRING

TO YOUR NIECE.

OH.

DEAR SWEET LADY.

HOW MANY THOUSANDS OF MEN'S

HEARTS HAVE YOU SHATTERED?

( chuckles )

SO MANY DEAR BOYS.

INCLUDING OUR OWN KING,

WHEN HE WAS PRINCE

OF WALES.

OH.

GOOD GRIEF.

HE'S WHITE.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M WHITE. SO WHAT?

ALL MEN ARE EQUAL.

AND ALL WOMEN.

THE WORLD IS

A CHANGING PLACE.

( scoffs )

BALDERDASH. HA HA.

ONE DAY, EVERYBODY

WILL BE PAID THE SAME

AMOUNT OF MONEY.

I WON'T HAVE AN ENGLISH

SERVANT IN MY HOUSE!

IT'S BAD FOR MORALE.

IT MAY CAUSE THE WHOLE

EMPIRE TO CRUMBLE.

I HAVE MY RIGHTS.

RIGHTS?

THIS IS NOT SOME NAMBY-PAMBY

SUBURB OF LONDON, SIR.

THIS IS THE RAJ!

RAJ OR NOT,

HE'S ALL WE HAVE.

WE SHAN'T STAY WHERE

WE'RE NOT WELCOME.

DISGRACEFUL.

( frogs croaking )

( monkeys screeching )

OH.

( gasps )

AAH!

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING

THE WATER?

WE WERE WARNED

ABOUT DELHI BELLY.

AND I'M WARNING YOU ABOUT

THE MADRAS MADNESS,

AN ALL-CONSUMING FEVER

CAUSED BY THE WATER.

YOU BECOME OBSESSED WITH SEX.

YOU SEE IT EVERYWHERE

YOU LOOK.

THE IMAGINATION CONJURES UP

THE WILDEST FANTASIES.

YOU FEEL POWERLESS.

YOUR KNEES GO WEAK.

ONE SIP AND ALL--

I ASSURE YOU, I HAVEN'T

TOUCHED THE WATER.

YOUR EYES ARE LIKE DEEP

SHIMMERING POOLS OF TEA.

YOUR THIGHS LIKE STRONG

YOUNG TEA PLANTS.

YOUR BREASTS, UH...

LIKE BEAUTIFUL...

MEDIUM-SIZED SACKS

OF TEA LEAVES.

YOUR ANKLES ARE LIKE...

THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH

TEA TALK.

...TWO LUMPS OF SUGAR?

IF I STAY,

GEORGE STAYS.

( stammers )

CEDRIC?

HUH?

DO YOU EVER HAVE

STRANGE FEELINGS?

WHAT SORT OF

STRANGE FEELINGS?

WELL...

SOMETIMES I JUST

FEEL STRANGE.

I SEE.

I ALSO HAVE

STRANGE FEELINGS.

PLEASANT ONES?

I'M AFRAID I CANNOT

SAY WHETHER THEY ARE

PLEASANT OR NOT.

SOCIETY DOES NOT ALLOW IT.

I SUGGEST YOU HIDE

THESE FEELINGS

IN A CLOSET.

MMM.

SPIFFY.

( Indian accent )

IF IT BE PLEASING TO YOU,

I AM BRINGING YOU

A GIN AND TONIC.

( regular voice )

IT IS AS EASY AS THAT.

REMEMBER THE LATERAL

HEAD OSCILLATION.

THAT IS FRIGHTFULLY

IMPORTANT.

( Indian accent )

IF YOU NOT BE LIKING

A GIN AND TONIC,

I CAN BE OBTAINING

WHATSOEVER OTHER DRINK

YOU MAY BE PREFERRING.

WOOBLE, WOOBLE, WOOBLE.

I FEEL TERRIBLE.

( playing )

I HATE IT HERE.

WE ALL DO.

INDIA.

( mosquito buzzing )

THE SMELLS.

THE HEAT.

THE DUST.

THIS MOSQUITO NET!

WHEN CAN WE LEAVE?

DON'T BE HASTY, CHILD.

CEDRIC'S GREAT-UNCLE

HAS INVITED US TO STAY.

WE MUST DO WHATEVER

HE WANTS.

- WHENEVER HE WANTS.

- AUNT AGNES.

HOWEVER MANY TIMES

HE WANTS.

WHERE ARE YOU,

MY DARLING?

AH, THERE'S MY FILLY.

SPLENDID GAME, HUH?

AgneYOU LOOK RATHER

REGAL LIKE THAT.

AHHHH.

DID YOU SEE THAT?

AgneI CAN SEE YOU'VE

PLAYED THIS BEFORE.

- OH.

- ( laughs )

FETCH.

AgneYOU CAN'T POSSIBLY

PLAY WITHOUT A BALL.

I'M PREGNANT.

WELL?

AREN'T YOU GOING

TO SAY ANYTHING?

COULD WE HAVE OUR BALL

BACK, PLEASE?

( laughs )

WHAT ARE YOU

GOING TO DO?

I SUPPOSE I'LL HAVE IT

PUT DOWN.

PUT DOWN?

FOR CAMBRIDGE.

OH, MY, EMILY.

Agnes:

EDWARD, WILL YOU

PLEASE GET THE BALL?

HEY NONNY-NONNY!

OI! YOU! OIK!

PUT MY SISTER DOWN AND

GIVE US OUR BALL BACK.

Edward: OW!

NOW WE CAN GET MARRIED.

CAN'T WE?

I'M SO ASHAMED.

Agnes:

OH, THESE DAMN FLIES.

- ( slapping )

- DAMN FLIES.

- ( slapping )

- THESE DAMN FLIES!

( slapping )

( Horace giggles )

OH, THESE DAMN FLIES!

( chuckles )

WHAT WAS THAT?

Horace: DON'T STOP.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TIME TO SPREAD

THE BRITISH EMPIRE.

"DEAR GEORGE.

NO NEED FOR BREAKFAST.

EMILY."

"DEAR AUNT AGNES.

I AM WITH CHILD AFTER

A MOST SORDID--"

"AFTER A MOST SORDID

ENCOUNTER IN ROME.

PLEASE TELL NO ONE.

I AM SO SORRY.

EMILY."

I'M GOING TO BE

UNCLE EDDERS.

"DEAR CEDRIC.

GOODBYE FOREVER."

EMILY!

UHH! EMILY!

EMILY!

( woman shouting )

TEA?

ANY MORE?

TEA? TEA? TEA?

I SAY, MISS?

- TEA?

- I SAY. EXCUSE ME.

MISS, I SAID EXCUSE ME.

CHI?

TEA? CHI?

( brakes squeaking )

( people screaming )

( groaning )

I'LL HAVE A POT

OF EARL GREY.

Emily's voice:

RECENT ENCOUNTERS

HAD CONVINCED ME

THAT MY PRIVILEGED

UPBRINGING

HAD KEPT ME FROM SEEING

HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVE.

I DETERMINED TO RECTIFY

THE SITUATION IMMEDIATELY

AND LEARN TO BE

MORE UNDERSTANDING.

( children shouting )

SHOO. SHOO.

SHOO. DON'T TOUCH THAT.

PLEASE DON'T TOUCH THAT.

SHOO!

WHO'S IN CHARGE OF

THESE WRETCHED ANIMALS?

HAS ANYONE SEEN THIS GIRL?

ANYONE?

UH...

DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING

SLIGHTLY LESS RESTRICTIVE?

UH, EXCUSE ME.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL?

HAVE YOU SEEN

THIS GIRL?

HAS ANYONE SEEN THIS GIRL?

( whistles )

DON'T YOU WHISTLE AT ME,

YOU INDIAN SUBJECT.

NOW, WHERE ON EARTH

IS CEDRIC?

IS THAT YOU, CEDERS?

QUITE REMARKABLE.

WELL DONE.

NOW, WE JUST NEED

TO FIND OUT THE INDIAN

FOR "HAVE YOU

SEEN THIS GIRL?"

AH.

HOW DO YOU SAY

"HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL?"

( coughs )

EDWARD, IT'S ME.

EDVARD ES ME.

EDVARD ES-- GOT IT.

UM...

EDVARD ES ME?

- EDWARD, YOU FOOL, IT'S ME!

- DON'T CONFUSE ME.

EDVARD ES ME IS MORE

THAN A MOUTHFUL.

- EDVARD ES ME?

- ( speaking Hindi )

SORRY, CEDERS?

EDWARD!

HAVE YOU BEEN

TAKING HASHISH?

CEDRIC?

YOU ROTTER.

HAVE I BEEN TAKING WHAT?

- HASHISH!

- BLESS YOU.

Man:

GANDHI? GANDHI! GANDHI!

Crowd:

GANDHI! GANDHI!

CEDERS?

THEY'RE STILL THERE,

CEDERS.

NEVER MIND.

MAYBE ONE OF THEM KNOWS

WHERE EMILY IS.

WE WILL CONTINUE THE SEARCH

FOR THE MOTHER OF MY CHILD

AS SOON AS I ACQUIRE

MORE APPROPRIATE CLOTHING.

( chanting )

GANDHI, GANDHI, GANDHI.

Emily's voice:

CHRIST, THIS FOOD

IS DISGUSTING.

IT'S NO WONDER

THEY'RE SO THIN.

ACCORDING TO THE MAP,

THIS MISSION THING

IS VERY, VERY CLOSE.

DO YOU MAKE AN EFFORT

TO BE STUPID OR DOES IT

COME NATURALLY?

ARE THOSE

THE ONLY TWO CHOICES?

SHUT UP.

PLEASE SHUT UP,

I'M BEGGING YOU.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHAT IF SHE SAYS NO?

MY, GOD, CEDERS,

THIS IS IT.

WE FOUND IT.

CEDERS?

CEDERS!

- ( gasps )

- MR. TRILLING.

UH, MISS IVORY,

HAVING CAREFULLY

CONSIDERED THE ADVANTAGES

AND DISADVANTAGES,

I FEEL IT IS MY DUTY TO

ASK YOU TO BECOME MY WIFE

SO THAT NO MAN MAY SAY

A TRILLING CHILD

MIGHT BE A BASTARD.

YOU MAKE IT SOUND

SO ROMANTIC.

PERHAPS I MIGHT TRY--

IS THERE A LITTLE

BOY'S ROOM?

OH. BE MY GUEST.

IT'S NOT MUCH MORE

THAN A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

SHE'S NOT

OVER HERE, CEDERS.

( toilet flushes )

- SO...

WILL YOU MARRY ME OR NO?

I'VE MADE LOVE

TO GEORGE.

I THINK WE'RE ON

THE WRONG MISSION.

- EDWARD.

- HELLO, SIS.

YOUR TROLLOP SISTER'S

HAD CARNAL DALLIANCES

WITH GEORGE.

IT'S TRUE.

- EMILY, HOW COULD YOU?

- WELL, I...

BE THAT AS IT MAY,

WE MUST WED FOR

THE SAKE OF OUR CHILD.

AND WHAT, PRAY,

IF I'M NOT PREGNANT?

- WHAT?

- YOU'RE REALLY

NOT WITH CHILD?

( elephant trumpets )

HURRAH.

HEY NONNY-NONNY.

( elephant trumpets )

- EMILY!

- GEORGE!

( elephant trumpets )

THIS GEORGE IS PROVING

RATHER TROUBLESOME.

I WAS QUITE LOOKING

FORWARD TO THE THREE

OF US LIVING TOGETHER.

I WANT THE HAND

OF YOUR NIECE.

EMILY MUST MAKE

HER OWN DECISIONS.

AAH!

- SO YOU WOULDN'T OBJECT?

- I DON'T GIVE A MONKEY'S.

( bubbling )

STOP!

( whispering )

I GOT THEM, BUT THERE'S

NO NAME IN THEM.

( whispering )

OH, DAMN.

DAMN. DAMN.

DAMN.

( fire roaring )

( mumbling )

( indistinct chatter )

OH, DAMN!

SAVE THE LAWN!

FUCK THE LAWN!

SAVE THE PLANTATION!

( indistinct shouting )

ABSO-BLOODY-LUTELY

TYPICAL.

I MEAN YOU LOT ALWAYS

STICK TOGETHER,

DON'T YOU?

DON'T YOU?!

WITH YOUR FANCY WAYS

AND YOUR LA-DE-DA TALK.

YEAH, WELL,

I MAY BE SCUM,

BUT I AM PROUD OF IT!

YOU MAY THINK YOU CAN

CONTROL THE WHOLE BLOODY

WORLD WITH YOUR EMPIRE,

BUT LET ME

TELL YOU THIS:

THAT I, GEORGE,

HAVE EVERY FAITH IN

THE INDIAN JUSTICE SYSTEM.

THE BRITISH LEGAL SYSTEM

IS THE GREATEST

IN THE WORLD

IN THAT THERE IS NO OTHER

LEGAL SYSTEM.

IT IS THE VERY FOUNDATION

OF CIVILIZATION ITSELF.

PRISONER,

HOW DO YOU PLEAD?

NOT GUILTY.

LET IT BE RECORDED

THAT THE CONDEMNED

PLEADED NOT GUILTY.

CONDEMNED? YOU JUST

SAID CONDEMNED.

- OBJECTION!

- YOU'RE MY LAWYER!

- OBJECTION!

- OVERRULED.

LUNCH.

NOT YOU.

THANK YOU.

WELL, GET ON WITH IT.

Lawyer: YOU ARE

CEDRIC TRILLING?

CEDRIC LIONEL TRILLING.

MAY I ASK YOU

WHAT YOU OBSERVED ON

THE NIGHT IN QUESTION?

I SAW A MAN CARRYING

A LIGHTED TORCH

TOWARDS THE PLANTATION.

THAT MAN.

AND, UH, HOW DID YOU

RECOGNIZE THE DEFENDANT

IN THE DARK?

HE WAS WALKING WITH

A COMMONER'S GAIT.

AND DO YOU HAVE ANYONE

TO CORROBORATE THIS STORY?

UM...

I--I THINK SO.

YOU EITHER ARE

EDWARD IVORY

OR YOU'RE NOT.

HE IS.

I SAW, UH...

"I SAW A MAN CARRYING

A LIGHTED TORCH.

THAT MAN."

AND HOW DID YOU KNOW IT

TO BE THE DEFENDANT?

"HE WAS WALKING WITH

A COMMUNIST GOAT."

RIGHT. DEFENSE.

YOU ARE AUNT TO

MISS EMILY IVORY?

AUNT?

SHE'S MORE OF

A MOTHER TO THE GIRL.

THIS WOMAN IS A SAINT.

SHE'S DEVOTED

HER WHOLE LIFE

TO THE UPBRINGING

OF HER NIECE

AND HER IDIOT NEPHEW,

SELFLESSLY PUTTING

THEIR HEALTH,

THEIR HAPPINESS

ABOVE HER OWN

WOMANLY DESIRES

AND URGES...

AND NEEDS.

I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.

BUT, UH, I WOULD LIKE

TO READ OUT THIS LETTER

FROM HIS FATHER

WHICH WILL SERVE AS

A CHARACTER REFERENCE.

"IF IT PLEASES

YOUR WORSHIP,

MY SON IS A SCUM."

10 YEARS.

PLUS TWO FOR HAVING

PLEADED NOT GUILTY.

MAKING 13 YEARS IN ALL.

Emily's voice:

DEAREST GEORGE.

I GAVE YOU MY HEART

AND MY HYMEN,

BUT I WOULD RATHER

MARRY CEDRIC

THAN GIVE BIRTH

OUTSIDE OF WEDLOCK.

ALTHOUGH YOU AND I

CANNOT BE TOGETHER,

I WILL ENSURE YOUR CHILD HAS

THE BEST POSSIBLE UPBRINGING.

I SHALL HAND THE BABY

OVER TO YOUR FATHER--

NO!

SELL IT TO PIRATES.

ABANDON IT ON A MOUNTAIN.

LET IT BE BROUGHT UP

BY WOLVES. ANYTHING.

SHALL I PRETEND

IT IS CEDRIC'S, THEN?

WILL YOU NOT WAIT FOR ME?

( sniffles )

DEAR, DEAR GEORGE.

I'M BETROTHED

TO POOR, POOR CEDRIC.

NO.

POOR, POOR GEORGE.

I AM BETROTHED

TO DEAR, DEAR CEDRIC.

NO.

POOR, DEAR GEORGE,

I AM BETROTHED TO--

YOU DON'T LOVE HIM.

I MAY NOT LOVE HIM,

BUT HE IS PRESENTABLE.

SO IT'S GOODBYE.

I HATE SAYING GOODBYE.

AU REVOIR.

CIAO.

SHALOM.

SALAMU ALAIKUM.

( door opens, closes )

( crying )

( classical music playing )

( exhales )

AgneHUDSON!

WE'RE BACK!

I SAY, BRING ALL THIS STUFF

INDOORS, WILL YOU?

THERE'LL BE A SIXPENCE

IN IT FOR YOU.

THERE'LL BE ONE EXTRA

FOR DINNER!

( sighs )

( man singing opera )

BLOODY FOOLS.

( cell door closes )

COME ON.

NOW START UNDRESSING.

( moans )

START UNDOING THOSE,

BUT KEEP-- YEAH--

NO, KEEP--

I'M AWFULLY SORRY.

EXCUSE ME.

OUT, SIR! OUT!

OUT!

( both shouting )

OUT! OUT!

GET OUT!

IF YOU DON'T MIND.

AAH!

( humming )

YOU LOOKING FORWARD

TO TOMORROW, LAD?

RATHER. I HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD

BASH SINCE PATER'S FUNERAL.

UH...

I WISH THAT CEDRIC

WAS MORE LIKE YOU.

HE'S SUCH

A QUEER FELLOW,

AND YOU'RE ALWAYS

SO GAY.

OH, I DON'T THINK

WE'RE SO VERY DIFFERENT.

CEDRIC.

DARLING.

SOON WE'LL BE

MAN AND WIFE.

OR AS THE POET

HOMER SAID--

( screams )

EMILY.

OH, AUNT AGNES, I HAD

THE WORST NIGHTMARE!

- SHH.

- BUT HE--

- YOU'RE ALL RIGHT NOW.

- HE WAS--

YOU'LL WAKE

THE BABY.

( crying )

( screams )

EMILY,

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IT'S ALL RIGHT,

DARLING.

AUNT AGNES IS HERE.

- ( choking)

- WHAT?

- I KNOW THIS ISN'T REAL.

- WHAT?

DON'T WORRY.

IT'S JUST A DREAM.

( muffled screams )

( screaming stops )

( gasping )

SORRY, EVERYONE.

HERE, PRETTY BUNNY.

COME HERE, MY BEAUTY.

SON!

DAD.

HMM.

THERE YOU GO, SON.

THERE'S NO PLEASING

SOME PEOPLE.

- DAD, JUST--

- DON'T "DAD" ME!

THE SHAME YOU HAVE

BROUGHT ON THIS HOUSEHOLD.

ARSONIST. CONVICT.

ESCAPEE.

CONSORTING WITH PEOPLE

ABOVE YOUR STATION.

DAD, I AM GOING

TO MARRY EMILY!

YOUR MISS EMILY

IS TO MARRY YOUNG

MASTER CEDRIC.

THIS VERY DAY.

SHE DOESN'T LOVE HIM.

( scoffs )

WHAT DO YOU

KNOW ABOUT LOVE,

YOU WORKING-CLASS BRUTE?

LOVE KNOWS NO BOUNDS.

( muffled shouting )

I'VE NEVER HEARD

SUCH CLAPTRAP.

( muffled shouting )

I HAVE SIRED A LUNATIC

TO BE SURE.

( muffled shouting )

JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING

FOR THE JOURNEY.

IT'S TIME, DEAR.

OH, YOU LOOK SO LOVELY.

I'M SO HAPPY, I COULD CRY.

OH, AUNT AGNES,

JUST REMEMBER YOU'RE NOT

LOSING A NIECE,

YOU'RE GAINING A MAN

WHO'S...

AWFULLY GOOD AT CROQUET.

AND WHO CAN PROBABLY GREET

THE WEDDING GUESTS IN...

GREEK, LATIN.

SALVE.

DELIGHTED

TO MEET YOU.

KALIMERA.

AND HIEROGLYPHICS.

HOW DO YOU DO?

SALVE.

GO, BOY!

( muffled shouting )

COME ON, YOU LITTLE SOD!

I SAVED YOU!

DAMN IT! BLAST!

( screams )

( laughs )

CAPITAL.

ON YOUR WAY.

THANK YOU.

LOOK, BUNNY, PLEASE,

JUST CHEW THE BINDINGS.

SALVE.

- GOOD DAY.

KALIMERA.

HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN IN LOVE?

PLEASE.

GO ON.

...INTO WHICH HOLY ESTATE

THESE TWO PERSONS PRESENT,

THIS BEAUTIFUL

YOUNG WOMAN

WITH HER LOVELY

COMPLEXION

AND THIS MAN WITH HIS

UNSIGHTLY FACIAL HAIR,

COME NOW TO BE JOINED.

THEREFORE, IF ANY MAN

CAN SHOW ANY JUST CAUSE

WHY THEY MIGHT NOT LAWFULLY

BE JOINED TOGETHER,

LET HIM NOW SPEAK

OR ELSE HEREAFTER

FOREVER HOLD HIS PEACE.

FOR EXAMPLE,

IF ANY MAN HAS PROOF

THAT ONE OR OTHER

OF THESE TWO PERSONS

IS ALREADY MARRIED.

OR DOES ANYBODY KNOW

WHETHER ONE OR OTHER OF THEM

HAS ANY DISGUSTING

PERSONAL HABITS?

OR PERHAPS ONE OF THEM

HAS CAVORTED NAKED

WITH THE DEVIL?

NO?

WELL, THEN...

THERE'S NO RUSH.

SURELY SOMEBODY

HAS SOMETHING TO SAY.

WE'RE JUST SO HAPPY

TO BE HERE.

- IT'S SO QUAINT.

- IT'S JUST LIKE A FAIRY TALE.

YOU LOOK A TREAT, LOVE,

BUT GET ON WITH IT.

STOP!

SHE DOESN'T LOVE HIM!

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER

THAT'S A GOOD ENOUGH REASON.

RIGHT.

STAND BACK, EVERYONE.

THIS MAN IS

AN ESCAPED CONVICT.

NO!

LET HIM SPEAK.

IF SHE MARRIES

THAT UTTER COD

SHE'LL REGRET IT FOR

THE REST OF HER LIFE.

Horace:

YOU THINK SHE'LL MARRY YOU?

A MAN WITHOUT

A FAMILY MOTTO?

AYE.

YOU? YOU WHAT?

HE WHAT?

JUST AYE!

I?

I--I...

YOU? YOU?

OR DO YOU

MEAN JUST YOU?

I FEAR I MUST

CONFESS SOMETHING.

OH! OUT WITH IT!

EDWARD AND I

BORE FALSE WITNESS

AGAINST GEORGE.

WE DID IT, FRANKLY,

BECAUSE WE HAVE

THESE FEELINGS.

THESE STRANGE FEELINGS.

WE LOVE EACH OTHER!

( speaks Latin )

IT'S CALLED PROGRESS,

DEAREST.

PROGRESS?

EMILY,

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

I'VE ALWAYS SAID

THAT THE MAN THAT I MARRY

MUST BE PERFECT

IN EVERY WAY.

Tweeb:

I'M STILL A BACHELOR.

YES, GEORGE.

YES, I WILL MARRY YOU.

STOP! YOU'RE TOO GOOD

FOR HIM, LOVE!

YOU'RE ALL FINE LINEN,

LACE, AND SWEETNESS!

HE'S JUST A--

GET A MOVE ON, VICAR.

I'M GOING INTO LABOR.

( church bells ringing )

( camera shutter clicks )

♪ MAY I SEE

YOUR DAUGHTER? ♪

♪ MAY I SEE YOUR DAUGHTER,

MR. BOYD? ♪

♪ CAN I ASK HER TO PLAY? ♪

♪ WELL ♪

♪ MAY I SEE YOUR DAUGHTER? ♪

♪ MAY I ASK YOUR DAUGHTER,

MR. BOYD? ♪

♪ ASK IF SHE

WANTS TO PLAY ♪

♪ WE MUST START

PLAYING NOW ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE'RE ALL

GROWING OLD ♪

♪ WE MUST LIVE

ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE HAVEN'T

GOT LOVE ♪

♪ MAY I SEE

YOUR DAUGHTER? ♪

♪ MAY I ASK YOUR DAUGHTER,

MR. BOYD? ♪

♪ CAN I ASK HER TO PLAY? ♪

♪ CAN I HAVE

YOUR DAUGHTER? ♪

♪ CAN I HAVE YOUR DAUGHTER,

MR. BOYD? ♪

♪ ASK IF SHE

WANTS TO PLAY ♪

♪ OH ♪

♪ MR. BOYD,

YOU HAVE PLAYED ♪

♪ NOW IT'S OUR TURN

TO LIVE ♪

♪ MR. BOYD,

YOU HAVE TAKEN ♪

♪ NOW IT'S YOUR TURN

TO GIVE ♪

♪ OH, GIVE ♪

♪ I WILL SEE

YOUR DAUGHTER ♪

♪ SHE WILL SEE WE OUGHTA ♪

♪ NOT BE LISTENING

TO ANYTHING YOU SAY ♪

♪ WE WILL SING

AND DANCE TOGETHER ♪

♪ IN ALL KINDS

OF WEATHER ♪

♪ WHILE YOU, MR. BOYD,

WATCH US PLAY ♪

♪ OH ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA,

LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA, LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA,

LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ OH ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA,

LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA, LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA,

LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ OH ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA, LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA,

LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ OH ♪

♪ MR. BOYD, CAN I ASK

HER TO PLAY? ♪

Stiff Upper Lips (1998) - full transcript