Stewardess School (1986) - full transcript

TRAFFIC CONTROL: 41 Heavy,
this is LAX tower.
Do you read me?

This is 41 Heavy,
go ahead LAX tower.

41 Heavy, commence descent
and await further
landing instructions.

Roger, traffic control.

Philo,
I'm having a party tonight.

You have a party
every night, George.

Yeah, but this is different.
Tonight, some people
are actually gonna show up.

Really? Why is that?

Why is that?

Well, I'll tell you why.

I... I sort of promised
everyone that you'd be there.



George!

TRAFFIC CONTROL: 41 Heavy,
this is LAX tower.

Later.

41 Heavy,

you're cleared for landing
on runway Aplha-Zulu-one
at zero-niner-four.

Roger, traffic control.
Aplha-Zulu-one
at zero-niner-four.

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

Ladies and gentlemen,
I hope you had a pleasant
flight on Blue Sky Airlines

and enjoy your stay
in Los Angeles.

What a beautiful sight.

It sure is.

Are you out of your mind?
Sit down, George!

Well, you don't understand.
You have to come to this party.

I don't think you're
fully aware of the
gravity of the situation.



All right, I'll go.
Just sit down!

Or I'll lie down.
You want me to go lie down?

George!
Sorry.

But you will come?
Yes!

(CHUCKLING) All right!

(GRUNTS) My contacts!

TRAFFIC CONTROL: 41 Heavy,
pull up. I repeat pull up.

(GROANS)

Hard left! Hard left!

Pull up! Pull up!

(SCREAMING) Oh, shit!

FEMALE VOICE: Time of impact,
11:41 PM.

Population,
classification code: 4.
Maximum density.

Congratulations.

You assholes just wiped out
half of Los Angeles.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, come on in.
We're rolling out.

George! George Bunkle.

Where's Philo?

I'm going down
to get him right now.

If you're not back in
five minutes with Philo,
we're leaving.

What? Girls, I'm hurt.

I'm genuinely hurt.

Has George Bunkle
ever lied to you?

BOTH: What about
the Michael Jackson party?

Hey, he was very insulted
that you didn't believe
it was him that night.

BOTH: Five minutes, Bunkle.

Talk about
your boring parties.

What else would you expect
from anyone who lives
in this building?

(FARTING LOUDLY)

(ALL COUGHING)

(COUGHING)

Man, I gotta lay off
that pork fried rice.

(GROANING)

Philo.

Philo?

Yo, Philo.

Hello?

Philo?

Philo?

Where the hell are you?

(GASPS)

What are you trying to do,
put me in an early grave?

I'm okay.

(GROWLING)

You idiot!
You've ruined my whole life!

(STRAINING) It's not my fault
you wear glasses.

(PANTS) No.

It's my fault.

(BONES CRACKING)

Come on, Philo,
get a grip on yourself.

Everybody has
their limitations.
Shit, even me.

Let's just calmly
examine the situation.

Now, what have we got?

We got two bright, enterprising
young men like ourselves?

You kidding?
There's a million
things we can do.

Give me a break, George.
It's all over for me.

All right, all right.
I'll admit things may look
a trifle dark right now.

But, so what?

Besides, you know me.
Don't I always
come up with something?

All my life

all I ever wanted
to do was fly.

(SCREAMING)

(PHILO CRASHING)

Philo?

Oh, there you are.

Philo! I've got it.

Wait till you hear this idea.
This is it.

What happened here?

If I ever see you again,
George, it's gonna be too soon.

No, no, no,
you're gonna love this.
You ready?

Stewardess school.

You're totally
certifiable, George,

and I'm gonna
sign the papers!

What a great idea.

Think of it, Philo.

(EXCLAIMS)
Breakfast in Paris.

Dinner in Rome.

Not to mention
all the incredible women
we're gonna meet.

(LOUD CHEWING)

Mr. Pellino.
Call me Snake.

Mr. Snake.

You seem to have
some influence
over our daughter.

Beer!

I wonder if I could
interest you in
a little proposition.

(BLOWING NOSE LOUDLY)

SNAKE: Big chunks.

Walter.

Jeeves?

Sir.

Holy shit!

What a bike!

Thank you, sir.

Wow.

What gives?

If you'll excuse us
for a minute, dear?

Why?

Beat it!

So, what's the deal?

Well, I was just wondering
if you might be...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Then I kicked him
right in the face!

What gives?

Oh, Mr. Snake and I decided

it would be in
your best interests
if you went back to school.

You're a pisser, Dad.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Shit.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

(GASPS) Whoa!

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

Ow.

(BELL DINGING)

Now, remember,
if I catch either
one of youse two

biting or scratching,
I'm gonna toss youse out.

How would you like me to
pull your little wee wee off?

Wait for the bell.

You're dead meat.

MAN: You're a scumbag,
go die!
Get away, wimp!

All right, you,
I want your name!

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

I'll get you, asshole.

Where is he?

He's kind of puny.
Maybe he couldn't
push the turnstile.

Oh, there he is.

I think he's gonna pop
the big question tonight.

Wanda. Wanda!

When are you gonna learn?

Men don't marry
women wrestlers.

Cuddles is different.

You'll see.

Cuddles.

Cuddles?

(GUFFAWING)

(BELL DINGS)
(CROWD CHEERING)

(YELLS)

(ALL CHEERING)

MAN: Get her, Wanda!

Kill! Snap her neck, Wanda!

(SCREAMING)

(YELLING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(CACKLING HYSTERICALLY)

CROWD: Wanda!
Wanda! Wanda! Wanda!

Wanda! Wanda! Wanda! Wanda!

I wonder if they
have communal showers.

I don't know
about this, George.

Philo, I don't believe you.

Since we got thrown
out of flight school

you've flown back and forth
to San Diego 22 times.

So?

You don't know
anybody in San Diego.

I can't help it.

I think better
when I'm flying.
Right.

GEORGE: So we go
to stew school.

We graduat
Then you can flyh
yo little heart out.

Maybe you'll get this obse.
I suppose
you'reight, George.

You know, for a while there
I thought that you

just wanted to go
to stew school just so
you could meet women.

Please, give me some credit.
There's a little more to life
than women.

Very little.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

There it is.
That's the Philo
I know and love.

You idiot!

So, what's the verdict?

Why don't you
go park this boat

and I'll get us
a room with a view.

Now you're talking, dude.

All right.

I'm not a jinx,
I'm not a jinx,
I'm not a jinx.

Yeah, and I'm not in this
for my health, lady.

That's $14.75
with the toll.

Keep the change.

Oh, thanks, sport.

I'll get your luggage.

What was that?

I gotta switch
to unleaded.

You were supposed to
get out the other side.

Well, you should have
posted a sign.

It was on the door!

(SCOFFS)

Hi. Can I help you there?

Why, don't you think
I can do it myself?

Hey, no problem.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

I'm sorry.

(GROANS IN DISCOMFORT)

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Good morning.
Morning.

I certainly am glad
your father's not alive

to see what you've
turned his school into.

What I have turned
the old codger's school into

is a profitable institution.

Oh, yes,
by lowering the standards

so that anybody could get in.

All right, sugar.
Here we are.

Jesus, Harry,
stewardess school?

Is that the best
you could do for me?

Hey, sugar,
I'm your probation officer,

not employment agent.

Listen, sugar, this is a real
opportunity for you to change
your whole life around.

Yeah, yeah, sure, Harry.

I'm agog with anticipation.

(SIGHS) So how long
am I in for anyway?

You are enrolled
for four weeks.

Then you can get a job
on an airline.

Gee.

I've never done it
on an airplane before.

Now, look, I'm warning you,

if they catch you
turning one more trick,

they gonna put
your behind away
for a long, long time.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, so long, Harry.

Don't take any wooden pickles.

(CHUCKLING)

Hi. Am I the only boy?

Let's see.

(CHECK IN LADY SCREAMING)

Cindy Adams.

Room 12, second floor.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

I'm gonna miss you.

(BURPS LOUDLY)

(SCREAMING)

Hi, I'm Pimmie Polk.

Hi. Jolean Winters.

And this is my mother,
and my grandmother.

Hello!
Hello!

Hello. It's nice to meet you.

This is a big day
for the Polk family.

Oh, really?

Three generations of stews.

(LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY)
No kidding.

¶ We'll wine you
We'll dine you

¶ We'll fly you to the skies ¶

(GIGGLES)

Well, good afternoon.

My name is Ms. Grummet,

and I will be supervising
all of your activities

while you are here with us.

I expect strict
compliance with the rules.

But before I get into
those rules and lists,

I would like to
take this opportunity

to introduce our chancellor,
Mr. Weidermeyer.

He will giving a brief,
ten minute welcoming address.

Mr. Weidermeyer?

(APPLAUSE)

Good afternoon.

You certainly are
a fine looking group.

Welcome to
the Weidermeyer Academy.

This academy was sired by...

Founded by my father
in 1949

and we have a long
and impressive

list of graduates.

As you can see from
the people seated behind me,

we offer the finest
in flight instruction training.

And you can be assured...

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

We will never
nipple and dime...

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Nickle and dime you
on your education.

Your instructors
are firm but fair.

If you get a little
behind in your work,

they won't be hard on you.

(WEIDERMEYER CLEARS THROAT)

(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)

Well, I guess that's about it
from old Roger Weidermeyer.

So, once again,

welcome.

Ms. Grummet.

(APPLAUSE)

I'll just stand here
till you're finished.

That's disgusting.

Now, if you'll all
pay attention to
the following rules,

I'm sure we'll all
get along just fine.

Mmm. Just like Mom never made.

$3.50.

That's very reasonable
considering your
gourmet selection.

Thank you.

Roommate, shall we?
Yes.

Whoa. Hi.

Oh!

Oh, God.
Ow!

Oh, God.

Please. Please sit.

Are you sure?

I live for danger.

Okay.

Uh, Kelly Johnson,
resident klutz.

Philo Henderson,
unfulfilled dreamer.

Ugh.

So, what was
the final headcount?

Forty six.
Excellent.

That makes nine more
students than last time.

Yes, and I can tell you
just which nine they are.

Relax, Ms. Grummet.

You will be able
to start weeding them
out soon enough.

(CHUCKLES)

(ALARM RINGING)

Oh!

George!
George, wake up!
There's a fire.

George!

(SNORING)

Philo, you gotta do something
about that alarm clock.

Get up, George.
There's a fire.
What?

Fire!

Fire! Fire!
(ALARM RINGING LOUDLY)

(GIRLS CLAMORING)

(ALARM STOPS)

Good morning,
my little chickens.

Welcome to stewardess school.

Now, to begin with,

I would like to make
one thing perfectly clear.

To be a stewardess
means to be on call
24 hours a day.

That means you must be
in top physical condition
at all times,

and bright and alert.

Because if you miss
one call to duty,

you will be...

Dismissed!

Now, grab your sweats

and report to the compound
in five minutes.

Five minutes!

Let's move it,
move it, move it!

Move it, Bunkle.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

All right. We'll start
this morning and every morning

with a little five mile
up Fort Valley Hill.

Dubois, Winters report
to the doctor's office
for physical.

The rest of you move out.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Good luck, chubby.

Thanks.

Move it, move it, move it!

(CLEARS THROAT) Hi.
We're here for our physicals.

Names?

Sugar Dubois
and Jolean Winters.

Have a seat.

I'm on a diet,
I've lost eight pounds.

I'm sure the doctor will
take that into consideration.

I think you look terrific.

You do?
Yeah, sure.

(PHONE BUZZES)

Who am I kidding?
He's gonna flunk me.

You mean if you don't
pass this physical they
could kick you out of here?

That's right.
I'll be history.

Yeah. You can
go in now, Ms. Dubois.

Good luck.
Thanks.

With you in a moment.

Do you want me
to take my clothes off?

Well, I don't think that

would be a bad idea.

Gosh, hope you don't
have cold hands.

Come on, let's move it,
move it, move it!

Only two more miles
to the top!

That is not a pleasant woman.

(DOOR OPENS)

You can go in now, Winters.

Doctor?

(MUMBLES) Sit.

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

(PUMPING SOUND)

Holy shit!

Doctor Mackie?

What aut me?

Yo

My physical?

You passed!
I passed?

Go.

I passed!

Bitch.

Those are, uh,
really thick glasses.

On a clear day
I can see Moscow.

Oh, God,
it must be tough to get
around without these things.

Well, I've developed
an acute sense of touch.

(KNOCKING)

Philo! Wait.

(ALL YELLING)

It's okay, it's okay.

He's totally blind
without his glasses.
It's Kelly.

Hi.
Hi, come on.

Right this way.
Here you go.

You okay?
Great. Thanks.

(GASPS)

(SCATTING)

Communal showers.

That's amazing.
How would I know that?

Hey, girls,
what's shaking?

(ALL SCREAMING)

What?

What?

What?

(EXCLAIMS)

And stay out!

To fly,

to soar with the eagles.

To pilot

this magnificent machine

high above the earth.

To be

in total control

of the lives and destinies

of hundreds of people.

God forgive me,
I do love it so.

Now, where was I?

ALL: To fly,
to soar with the eagles.

To fly...

Whoever wants pizza
comes to Larry's room.

Want some?

No thanks, I'm on a diet.
I just came to sniff.

Oh, George can always
tell a good wine by the
twist of a cap, I swear to God.

Pepperoni.

Okay. Okay, everybody,
a toast.

To a bright new future
in the airline industry!

What's the matter?

Everybody's future doesn't
look as bright as yours.
You're not a klutz.

Yeah, and you're slim
and attractive.

And you always seem
to know what to do.

You actually seem
to like this bullshit.

I know you all think
that I'm pretty and pert,

and kind of terrific.

But you know,
sometimes when people
are getting to know me,

for some strange reason
they wanna choke me.

(GIGGLING)

Come on, it's not
as bad as all that.

It's always darkest
before the dawn.

When the going gets tough
the tough get going.

Yeah, when in doubt
whip it out.

PHILO: George.
Figure of speech.

(SNORTING)

Now, behind this curtain

we have assembled a group
of professional passengers.

That is passengers
who will test your skill
at dealing with

common but difficult
situations.

Oh, yes, uh,

I will be observing
and grading your
conduct accordingly.

No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

The whiskey goes
next to the vodka.

I am so nervous.
I just know
I'm gonna screw up.

Hey, relax.

After all,
what are they gonna do,
bite us?

Hot towel, madam?

(GROWLING)

Now, Poofy, don't you
be a naughty girl.

I'm sorry, madam,
but you'll have to put
your Poofy in the box.

Aw.

Perhaps you'd do it for me.

(SNARLING)

What are you, high, lady?

Please?

(BARKING)

Perhaps later,
after she's had her nap.

Pillow, Poofy?

(SNARLING)

Maybe not. Later.

(BARKING)

And what can I get
our little man for dessert?

A hot fudge sundae.

Ooh. That sounds delish.

Would you like
whipped cream on top?

Yup.

And sprinkles?
Yup.

And a cherry on top?

Yup.

And how would you
like your nuts crushed?

How would you like
your tits shot off?

Uh... (EXCLAIMS)

Something to drink?

I know you.

You're Bubba Brock,
fullback for the Broncos.

I got cut.

Oh, I'm sorry. Injury?

No. Bad attitude, ass breath.

Excuse me, young man.

I need your help.

Yes, madam.

My seatbelt is stuck.

Oh.

Oh, yes, I think
I see the problem.

If you'd care to
stand up a minute.

I didn't pay
to stand in the aisle.

I paid to sit down.

Okay.

(GROANS)

Oh.

Oh, Miss.
Yes, sir?

I'd like a scotch
and water, please.

I have to begin in
the rear of the aircraft

but I'll be right back
to serve your drink.

(GASPS)

I think I got it.

(GASPS)

Excuse me, sir.

The captain does have
the no smoking light on.

Well, I'll just run back
and turn that little light off.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the captain has informed me
that we're ready to land.

Please put your trays up,

and your seats in
the upright position.
Thank you.

And I hope you've
all been well serviced.

Hey, you!
Tray up, seat back,

and loose that cigarette.

Yes, ma'am.
Miss...

Polanski.
Polanski, yes.

Hi. I think your delivery
needs a little work.

Try not to be so firm.

With the passengers,
not so direct.

Not so firm
and not so direct.

Right.

Yoo-hoo.
Wake up, wake up.

(GASPS)

(GROANING)

Much better.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

George.
What?

Do me a favor.

Sleep on
the fire escape tonight.

It's the old
multiple cologne trick.

Keeps 'em off their guard.

He's kinda cute.
I think he's gonna
ask me out.

Hi.

You wanna play
hide the salami?

Gross.

I guess a blow job's
out of the question.

WANDA: What do we do now?

I know.
How about a game of trivia?

I hate trivia.
Get out of here. Me, too.

What's the problem?

Well, there's a party
we all wanna go to

but we've got
no way to get there.

How bad do you wanna go?

On a scale of one to ten?

Pretty bad.

(SCREAMING)

Yahoo!

(ALL WHOOPING)

Oh, look who's here.

Yes, yes. Kent Arnold.

I'd like you to meet
my fiance, Alison Hanover.

The Hanovers of Greenwich.
How do you do?

South Port.
Top draw, DF.

Much. (CHUCKLES)

(MOTORCYCLES REVVING)

What in blazes
is going on here?

Kent, check that, will you?

Pimmie?

Kent.

Let me introduce everybody.

This is Jolean,
Wanda, Cindy,

and these are our
chaperones for the evening.

Snake, Scuzzball,
River Rat, and Bones.

Pimmie, I'm sorry,
but they can't come in.

Cindy?

Cindy Adams?

Hello, Kent.

Breath mint?

Quaalude.

You got a Twisted Sister?

No, but my cousin
Lonaur is a little strange.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

All right!

Kent, what is the meaning
of that neanderthal invasion?

It's Cindy Adams.
Her father is chairman of
the board of the stock exchange.

Mmm.

Excuse me, muffin,
I'll be right back.

Miss Adams.

I'm Dudl Farnsworth.

Buzzff, needle dick.

Oh, muffin.

All right.

What is this shit?

Fruit punch.

Tastes like panther piss.

All right.

Everybody drink up.

I said drink party!

(ALL SCREAMING)

How did you find this place?

Oh, one of the local
kids told me about it.

It's spectacular.

Look.

It's been a long time
since I kissed a boy in
the front seat of a car.

It's been a long time
since I kissed a boy, period.

I think it's my sworn duty

to make up

for all those lost kisses.

Oh, Philo.

No, no, no, no.
The hook's in front.

(KELLY MOANING)

Oh, Philo.

Sorry about that.
It's hormonal.

I guess it's in my jeans.

I'll say it is.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Wanna dance, mama?

Fine. This ought
to be interesting.

Would anyone care
for a cheese snack?

You're real good, baby.

I know.

Oh, that's some set
of muffins, eh, Snake?

(GROWLING)

Beer!

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUFFLED GROANING)

What?

Uh, nothing.

Now tomorrow,
we'll be dealing with
volume two in my trilogy,

101 More Ways to Make
Your Passengers Feel
Really, Really Safe.

After all, don't you feel
better when you feel safe?

I know I do.

(CHUCKLES)

Class!

This morning I'm going
to give you a little lesson

on how to deal
with terrorists.

Of course,

one of the main weapons

in dealing with these
swarthy types

is surprise!

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

I took a course.

What you're about
to go through

is a simulated ditch drill.

You will be given
exactly three minutes

to get the passengers
off the plane,

down the chute
and into the life raft
to safety.

Wake up, Harpo.

Time is of the essence here.

If you don't have those
people off this plane
in exactly three minutes,

well, you've all
flunked the exercise.

PIMMIE: Ladies and gentlemen,

please prepare to exit
the rear of the plane
as quickly as possible.

Our flight attendants
will assist you
in any way you need.

(ALL CLAMORING)
Just move to the back of
the plane quietly. Thank you.

Keep it going.

Come on.

(WHOOPING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Bye.

Please, we'll have to
exit immediately.

This is an emergency.

Darling, we did not pay
for first class tickets

to slide down
a moldy chute into a raft.

I can't go
without my rubber ducky.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Follow me!

Row! Row!

I love this.
Lot of good stuff.

Row!

(PASSENGERS LAUGHING)

Ninety seconds left.

But, they won't budge.

You're not going to make it.

What's the problem?

Beat me, whip me,
make me write bad checks,

but please join us
for a glass of bubbly.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Go on,
I'll take care of this.

Okay,
I'm gonna check the galley,
I'll be right behind you.

Check.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(ALL CHEERING)

PHILO: We did it!

(ALL CHEERING)

Wait a minute.
Where's Jolean?

ALL: Jolean?

Geronimo!

This is a very healthy
kill list, even for you.

Well, if there's nothing else
I'd like to get on with it.

(PHONE BUZZING)

Yes.
SECRETARY: Sir.

Mr. Stromboli would like
to know if you'd be
much longer.

He has a plane to catch.

Ask Mr. Stromboli
to come in, please.

Roger, how are you?

Last time I saw you
why, you were this high.

I've grown.

Won't you sit down?
Thank you very much.

Well, what can I do for you?

The thing is that now
I have this government
inspection coming around

and if I don't get
high grades in all areas
of passenger service

they're gonna pull the rug
from under me, Roger.

I'll be out of business.

Do I take it that
you would like me
to provide you

with a top flight crew
from our graduating class?

Exactly, Roger. Yes!

If I can pass the inspection,

then I can add another flight
at the end of the year,

and this way I can
give the competition
a run for their money.

Shall we say
500 bucks a head?

500? That's blackmail!

It was nice
seeing you again, Carl.

Now, if you'll excuse me
I'm really awfully busy.

Roger, I can give you 250.
That is all I have.

350, and not a penny less!

But, I'll throw in a pilot.

And so, it is with
great pleasure

that as of, um,

10:15 this morning,

you are all...

(PHONE BUZZING)

Grummet!

Yes. What?

That's ridiculous.
I strongly protest. No way.

Perhaps you'd like to
stop by my office

and discuss
an early retirement?

You wouldn't put
me on the beach,
would you?

Let me say once again

how very proud I am
of all of you.

This has been a record year
for student placements
in the airline industry.

If you will check
the announcement board

in the main hall later,
we will have posted

the names of
the various airlines

and of the students
they have invited

to come fly with them.

In conclusion,

I would just like to
leave you with one thought.

(MAN SNORING)
Remember,

when you go out there,

you are representing
the Weidermeyer Academy.

So whatever you do,

do it with dignity.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Thank you.

Here we go.
Breakfast in Paris.

Dinner in Rome.
Dinner in Rome.

All right, dude.
Here we go.

TWA.
Pan-Am.

Stromboli Airlines?

(CHUCKLING)

Well...

(GROANS)

Mmm.

Well, you get
what you paid for.

Hey, come on.
I mean, it's not as bad
as it all seems.

Yeah, Philo's right.
Grummet made us all feel
like we were no good.

Well, she's wrong!

Yeah!
Yeah!

Yeah, but none of you
were terminally clumsy.

I am.

(WHISPERING) She's under.

That's amazing.

Could you make her
bark like a seal while
I pretend to give her a fish?

George.
What?

Kelly Johnson.

Yes.

You are the most
graceful person on earth.

I am?

Yes.
Of course I am.

You have the skill
of a ballerina,

the hands of a surgeon,

the dexterity of

a Japanese sushi chef.

Now, when I snap my fingers

you will wake up
feeling like the great
new person you are.

This place looks a lot
like the Bates Motel.

Welcome. Welcome.

I am Carl Stromboli,
I own the place.

The driver will take care
of your luggage, so please
do follow me. Thank you.

So nice to see you.
Very happy to see you.

Sorry about
the lights being off,

but I have to cut down
on expenses anywhere I can

to keep the airline going.

This way, please.

Oh, wow.

CARL: After you.

Oh, my, look at this.

Hey.
Don't stand on ceremonies,

sit down. Come on,
make yourself at home.

This is really nice.

Thank you,
but it's my wife Sarah.

She's the one with
the good taste in the family.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen,
please

I want you to say hello
to my dear wife Sarah.

ALL: Hi, Sarah.

Wow. Real food.

(CHUCKLES) First eat,
we'll get to know
each other later.

That's right.
Now, don't be shy.
Dig in, come on.

Come on, come on,
let's eat.

Oh, fuck it.

Corn. Corn. Thank you.

And some potatoes.

So you can see why
this next flight
is so important for me.

Every nickle I have
is tied up in this plane.

And every nickle
I don't have.

What am I worried?

I've got
the best crew around.

Really?
When can we meet them?
Huh?

George,
he's talking about us.

Well, one thing's
for sure Mr. Stromboli,

we'll make certain that
the FAA inspector is happy.

Yeah, that's good,
but you see,
we'll never know who it is.

We never do.
It could be anyone
on the plane.

It could be a man,
a woman.

Sometimes they even use
a professional passenger
from your school.

I'm not worried. You know why?
Because you are the ones

who graduated in
the first of the class.

And tomorrow's run
will be a snap for you.

ALL: Tomorrow?

Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to
Stromboli Airlines

Flight 106,
non stop to Atlanta.

We are now ready to board.

For those passengers
needing special assistance

you may now step forward
at this time, please.

Thank you.

Go to your right.
She'll help you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

KELLY: Easy does it.
There you go.

Hi. Right this way.

This way, sir.
Let me help you. Ow!

Have a...
Have a good flight.

Hi.

Oh, oh, oh.
Allow me, sir.

Take your hands
off me, you fool!

(GROANING)

Pain. Major pain.

JOLEAN:
Passengers seated
in rows 17 to 26,

you may now board the plane.

George, what are you doing?
There's blind people
walking all over the plane.

Special observer
from the academy.

I know the way.

Terrific.

Friend of yours?

You married?

Oh, yeah. You?

No, no, no.

Captain Biff likes to
keep his runways clear.

Morning.
Morning.

Oh, morning.

Hi, doll.
Captain Biff?

You're our pilot?

That's right.
Are you impressed?

Here we go, George.
Close her up.

You got it.

Fasten your seatbelt.
What are you, blind?

What? Hmm?

Ladies and gentlemen,

please fasten your seatbelts
and put your chairs back
for take off.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the captain speaking.

Atlanta Traffic Control
informs me we'll be
having some

adverse weather condition
en route, so,

we'll be flying
at 35, 000 feet today

to avoid most
of the turbulence.
Thank you.

You must be used to
flying through storms,
huh, Captain?

Storms?

This is just great.

What's Grummet doing on board?
I thought we were
through with her.

According to the manual,
she's allowed to come
on the first flight

as an observer,
and file a report with the FAA.

Terrific.

Whoa.

Shit.

Veal and water.
Veal and water.

Thank you.

Here you are, sir,
your veal and water.

Thank you very much.

Could I have some
peanut, too, please?

Yes.
Thank you very much.

May I put that
some place for you, sir?

Don't touch that!

It's a present
for my mother.

It's very fragile.

Oh, of course, sir.

I understand.

Ladies and gentlemen,

for the safety and convenience
of our unsighted passengers

we will ring
our cabin bell twice
when the seatbelt sign is on

and once when it is off.

Thank you.

Where's my drink?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Coming right up, sir.

Well, be quick about it.

Yes, sir.
Whatever you say.

(YAWNS)

Oh, could I take that
for you, sir?

Thank you, yes.

Okay. And your glass?
There we are.

(SIGHS)

(RIPS TAPE)

(LIGHTNING CRASHING)

(WIND HOWLING)

Looks like we're in
for a pretty good storm.

Yeah, even at this altitude
we're gonna hit
a lot of turbulence.

(COUGHS)

Are you okay?

My contacts!

(LENS CRACKING)

(KNOCKING)
Let me help you.

(BEEPS)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Sit right here.

You're no good to us
if you can't see.

(LIGHTNING CRASHES)

Are you all right?

(PANTING)
I feel strange.

Like this is all a dream.

You mean a nightmare.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(GASPING)

What are you most afraid of?

Confinement.

Closed spaces.

It's awful tight in here.
Isn't it?

(LAUGHING)
(SCREAMS)

Something's wrong with him.

I need air!
I need air!

Sit down!

It's okay.

What is this guy's problem?
I don't know.

(SCREAMING)

The passengers are
getting really upset.

What are we gonna do?
We cannot spend the rest
of the flight like this.

(PASSENGER YELLS)

Trouble?

Eat it, prune face!

(SCREAMS)

(SHUSHING)

There's gotta be some way
to calm him down.

Step aside.

Oh, my God,
they're in your nose!

(GASPS)

(TICKING)

(GIGGLING)

(GASPS)

(PASSENGER GASPING)

(SHRIEKS)

(RELIEVED SIGH)

Okay. Okay. Okay.

(LIGHTNING CRASHES)

Blow job is two words.

Gee, uh,

I didn't think it'd be
this rough way up here.

Is that normal?

Don't know. This is
my first flight, Captain.

Oh, yeah, right.

(TERRORIST LAUGHING)

All right!

Turn around real slow!

Snappy coat...
Shut up!

Keep your hands
where I can see 'em.

(GROANING LOUDLY)

Oh, boy.

(GROANING)

All right, fish face!

Put it on automatic pilot!

Um, we can't do that
at this altitude.

We can't?

Oh, yes.
Yes, we can.

We can do anything.
Only please,
please don't shoot me.

Do it now!

Okay. Automatic. No hands.

Ah! I want you all to know

that I've got enough here
to hang you and put an
end to Stromboli Airlines.

I'm taking my report
to the captain right now.

Blow it out your ass!

(GASPS) I just think
I'll add that to my report.

(LIGHTNING CRASHES)
(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)
(TOILET FLUSHES)

(GRUMMET SCREAMING)

(ALL GROANING)

PHILO: Holy moly!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

GRUMMET: Oh, my God!

Okay. Okay.

(SCREAMS)
(GASPS) No.

I didn't do anything.
I was good.

Is this gonna hurt?

It is, isn't it?
Is it?

(GAS HISSING)

(INCREASES PRESSURE)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

I hope you guys
like cherries on your sun...

(SCREAMING)

(BEEPING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(SCREAMS)

Here, sit down.

What the...
What happened here?

I smell ether.

She's breathing.

He's alive!

What's the switchboard
on the altimeter say?

It says "auto".
Good.

All right, let's get
these people outta here.

I did a quick head count,
and the guy in 30C is missing.

He must've jumped.

Who would jump out
of a plane at 40, 000 feet?

The guy in 30C.

All right.

I want you to start
searching the plane
quickly and quietly

without alarming
the passengers.

What are we looking for?

Unless I miss my guess,
a bomb.

That's amazing.
I knew you were
gonna say that.

George!
I'm gone.

What do you think?

Well, I think we'll be okay
for a while on autopilot.

Wait.

Where are we
supposed to look?

I don't know.
How about if we start

at the back of the plane
and work our way up?

Good idea.

Whoa!

(BOMB TICKING)

What the hell's
going on here?

Not now, Mr. Buttersworth.

I'll get to the bottom of this.

Who's there?

Are you the pilot?

Yeah.

Are you a passenger?
Yes!

And I demand to know
what's going on here!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Thanks.

MAN: What is that thing?

Portable microwave.

What did he say?

Doesn't anybody know
anything about bombs?

You got a bobby pin?

Yeah.

No!

Move over, Kojak.

Somebody quick,
get me some tools.

Everybody else
secure the passengers
and move forward.

Check.
Rule 47...

ALL: Keep smiling.

Holy shit!

I hope you're in a good mood.

(LIGHTNING CRASHING)

Apparently not.

(ALL CLAMORING)

(BOMB TICKING)

I'm a little slow.

George!

Sorry, I'm new to this.

(LIGHTNING CRASHING)

(GEORGE SHUSHING)

Now the problem is
if I cut the wrong wire,

this thing could
go off in our faces.

Philo!
Strap him in!

What the hell kind of
airline is this?

Okay.

(JULEAN WHIMPERING)

Here goes. I'll get it.

(JULEAN GRUNTING)

(SQUEALS) You did it!

(LAUGHS) It was nothing.

(BEEPS)

(FAST TICKING)

You didn't do it.

I think it's time
for plan B.

Plan B?
Run away!

Oh! Oh!

(SCREAMING)

Jolean! Are you all right?

It's raining out.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Oh, man,
I need a drink.

Can I get you something?

Forget it.

Captain,
pressure's back to normal.
Everyone's okay.

Now if I can only see
I can land this baby
on a dime!

Wait a minute.
He can't see either?

No!

I'm taking over!

(ALL SCREAMING)

No, Mr. Buttersworth!

Listen, I wore glasses.
You wanna try them?

No, I got this weird
astigmatism called
binocular vision.

Wait!

Hey, here. Try these.

No. No, they're no good.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute,
turn them around.

Here.

That's it! That's it,
strap it to my head!

We're going home!

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL WHOOPING)

Now it's all up to
the FAA inspector
who was on board.

Will the bailiff
please call the final witness?

They're ready for you.

Do you promise to tell
the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth?

I do.

Sir, would you please
share with us your impressions

of what happened
on Flight 106 to Atlanta?

Frankly, it was
the best flight I ever had.

Case dismissed.

(ALL CHEERING)

(GROANING)

It's amazing. I knew
he was gonna say that.

( STEW SCHOOL
BY KEITH LANDRY PLAYING)

¶ Well, I feel so good

¶ When my feet
Are off the ground

¶ And before I got to heaven

¶ I'm gonna fly
This world around

¶ I'm going to
Stew school, darling

¶ Gonna get myself together
While I'm, yeah

¶ Flying

(UPBEAT BLUES PLAYING)

¶ Well, I feel so good
When my feet are
Off the ground

¶ Before I get to heaven
Gonna fly this world around

¶ I'm going to stew school
Don't try and make me uptight

¶ I'm going to stew school
You know it's gonna
Be all right

¶ I'm going to stew school
Darling, gonna get myself
Together and fly

¶ Don't try to stop me
Don't try to stop me tonight

¶ Nothing can stop me
And I'd maybe
Pull up a fight

¶ I'm gonna carve me out
A brand new road

¶ I'm gonna loosen up
This heavy load

¶ I'm going to stew school!
No one can stop me now

¶ Stew school!
I'm gonna show you how

¶ Stew school!
I'm gonna make it all right

¶ Well, my tank was empty
Thought my soul was gonna die

¶ So I had to get back
Up and running
It was really fun

¶ I'm going to stew school
Don't try to stop me tonight

¶ I'm going to stew school
I know it's gonna be all right

¶ Well, I'm going
To stew school, darling

¶ Gonna get myself
Together and fly

¶ Don't try to stop me
Don't try to stop me tonight

¶ Nothing can stop me
And I'd maybe
Pull up a fight

¶ I'm gonna carve me out
A brand new road

¶ I'm gonna loosen up
This heavy load

¶ I'm going to stew school!
No one can stop me now

¶ Stew school!
I'm gonna show you how

¶ Stew school!
I'm gonna make it all right

¶ Stew school!
I'm gonna make it all right

¶ Stew school!
I'm gonna show you how

¶ Stew school!
I'm gonna
Make it all right ¶