Steel Magnolias (1989) - full transcript

Morning.

Good morning.

Morning.

Get your fingers
out of the icing.

Tommy Lee, get your fingers
out of the frosting.

Wave those flags, son.

Get out of there!

Yeah! Hit them again!

Get out of here!

Get out of them trees, damn it!

Aah!



Yeah! Get 'em! Migrate
south, will you?

Mama.

Mama!

Three more radios
for you, Shelby.

Not now, Tommy.

Mama, this nail polish
is drying way too dark.

Practically paint my foot. Looks like
a stuck pig bled all over my hands.

I'm sure I have
something that will do.

Oh, no.

It has to be delicate.

If I don't have something,

I will send your brothers

to get delicate pink
nail polish.

Mama, there's…



Just a minute.

Great idea, Mama. I'd love to see
what the boys would pick out.

Delivery man!

Someone stop that truck!
Stop that…

Aah!

Don't put ice down my back!

You should have
drowned them at birth.

Shelby.

See if you can get this.

Mama, my nails are wet.

Shelby.

Ma'am.

Would you look at those, please?

Myrtle, hi.

Hold on, please.

I'm going to get you right now!

Drum, sweetheart,
I'm on the phone!

Stop that now!
I can't hear myself think!

Myrtle, the champagne glasses,
they're all broken.

Help.

Spud!

Spud, turn off
that stupid television.

Get in here and finish
dyeing these easter eggs.

I ran out of stuff.

That's why God invented the A&P.

I got to work on the truck.

No. You got to get the lead out.

Yes, ma'am. I live to serve.

If those eggs are not
at the church by noon,

they don't get hidden.

Are you listening to me, Spud?

Mrs. Jones?

Are you Annelle?

Oh, you sweet thing. Come on in.

Excuse me.

And pick up my green dress
at the cleaners!

Am I interrupting something?

No. I'm just screaming
at my husband.

I can do that anytime.

Please, call me Truvy.

Truvy. Thank you.

Mama, look at this.

This was in the hall closet.

What is it?

Rubbers.

Tommy says Jonathan's planning

to cover the honeymoon
getaway car with these.

Please stop him!

Keep your voice down.

Keep your voice… Jonathan!

Boys, I want to talk to you.

Tommy. Jonathan!

Tommy!

Jonathan, don't you decorate
your sister's car with condoms!

It's tacky!

It's like talking
to a brick wall.

If he's trying
to drive me crazy,

it's too late.

There must be a better way
to get rid of those birds.

We could cut down all our trees

or change the migratory patterns

of North American birds.

You told him to get rid of them.

I had no idea he would alienate
the entire neighborhood.

The neighborhood
would be more alienated

if they got covered in bird shit

at my reception.

Pretty talk.
You have to be so crude?

Okay.

Oops. I see a hole.

Yeah. I was hoping
you'd catch that.

It's a little bit pouffier
than I would normally do,

but I'm nervous.

Oh, I'm not worried about that.

I usually wrap
my entire head in toilet paper

when I go to bed,

so it gets pretty smooshed down

in that process, anyway.

In my class at the trade school,

I was number one in
frosting and streaking.

I did my own.

Really?

That's good.

And I can usually
spot a bottle job

at 20 paces.

Your technique is really good.

Thanks.

I think your form and content
will improve with time.

So, best I can tell, young lady,

you've just landed yourself a job.

Oh! Great! Oh, thank you!

Oh, thank you, Miss Truvy.

No time for thanks this morning.

We'll be busier than
a one-armed paper hanger.

Here. Let me help you.

I got it.

You got hairs and fuzzies
all over you.

There's so much static
electricity in this room,

I pick up everything
but boys and money.

Louie!

Louie, hold up.

I want you to meet Annelle.

Hi.

She's taking Judy's place.

Swell.

Louie, take out the garbage!

Can't!

Late.

What did you hire her for?

Our son.

We're so proud of him.

Annelle, honey, what do you
say we talk some trash?

Okay.

I am so excited.

I can't believe it's happening.

I'm a beautician.

Ah-ah-ah. Glamour technician.

Glamour technician.

And I'll have you know
you are working

in the most successful shop
in this town.

I have a strict philosophy

that I have stuck to
for 15 years…

There is no such thing
as natural beauty.

You remember that,
or we're all out of a job.

Look at me. It takes some
effort to look like this.

Oh, I can see that.

How long have you been in town?

A few weeks.

New in town.

It must be exciting
being in a new place.

I wouldn't know.
I've lived here all my life.

Well, tell me things
about yourself.

There's nothing to tell.

I live here. I've got a job now.

That's it.

Can I borrow these back
issues of Southern Hair?

Sure. Take them.

It is essential

to stay abreast
of the latest styles.

I'm glad to see your interest.

Well, you must live close by.

At least in walking distance.

I didn't see a car.

I don't have a car.

I've been staying
across the river

at Robeline's boarding house.

That's quite a walk.

Ruth Robeline.

Now there is a story for you.

She is a troubled, twisted soul.

Her whole life has been
an experiment in terror.

Her husband got killed
in World War II.

Then her son got killed
in Vietnam.

When it comes to suffering,

she is right up there
with Elizabeth Taylor.

I had no idea.

Hello, Clairee!

Good morning.

Annelle, I'd like
to introduce you

to the former first lady
of Chinquapin…

Mrs. Belcher.

Clairee, I'd like you
to meet Annelle.

I'm a little embarrassed.
I'm windblown.

I've just been to the dedication
of the new children's park.

Yeah. How did that go?

Beautifully,

except Janice Van Meter
got hit with a baseball.

It was fabulous.

Was she hurt?

I doubt it.
She got hit in the head.

Janice Van Meter's
the current mayor's wife.

We hate her.

They named the new park
after Clairee's late husband.

This town is so proud of her.

That's nice.

What's your family name, dear?

Well, my married name is Dupuy,

and I'm originally from Zwolle.

How nice.

Annelle, honey, there's
some towels in the dryer.

Would you fold them
and bring them in?

Sure.

Thank you.

Sweet gal.
Where did you find her?

Yesterday, when Judy quit,

I called the trade school

and told them
to send me a warm body.

Annelle was the valedictorian
of the hairdo class.

And I think there's a story there.

What makes you say that?

Well, for starters,
she's married,

but she's living
over at Ruth Robeline's.

Alone.

I'd get to the bottom of this
if I were you…

if you have silverware
you'd like to keep.

I'm not worried. She's
as sweet as she can be.

Besides, I kind of like the idea
of hiring somebody with a past.

She can't be more than 18.

She hasn't had time
to have a past.

Get with it, Clairee.

This is the '80s.

If you achieve puberty,
you can achieve a past.

Whoa!

That man!

I swear, I don't know

how M'Lynn puts up with that.

Go on! Get out of here!

Jackson, please.

I'm going to talk
some sense into you.

It's bad luck to see me
before the wedding.

So you are going to marry me.

Jackson…

We can work this out,
Shelby, please.

You want to
go through with this.

I don't want to give back
all the wedding presents.

That VCR alone is worth
getting married for,

and I love you.

If Daddy catches you in here,

whether or not I can
carry your children

will not matter.

He will cut your thing off.

Say you're going to marry me.

I hate suspense.

Okay. Okay.

You meet me at 2:00.
Presbyterian church.

I'll be the one in the veil
down front.

Oh.

I'm going to make you
very happy.

We'll see.

Boy, give me the sports.

Boys, we're off to Truvy's.

Jonathan, keep your eye
on your brother Tommy.

Am I my brother's keeper?

Your brother's warden
is what you are.

That horrible woman is coming by

to deliver the groom's cake
in about an…

Where's your father?

His coffee kicked in.

Shelby, let's go.

Okay, Mama.
I said I'd be right there.

Shelby, you're going to be
late for your own wedding.

I'm wearing my hair down
'cause Jackson likes it down.

The veil would be prettier
with your hair up.

Get over it, Mama.

Whoops.

Come here! Stop it, Rhett!

Oh, shit!

It's Miss Ouiser.

Back door.

Drum!

Rhett!

M'Lynn!

Open the door!
I know you're in there!

Drum!

I think there's
somebody at the door.

I think it's for Daddy.

I know you're in there!

That is all she wrote!

Say please.

Thank you.

Get over here, Rhett!

Stop pulling!

Sit. Oh, Rhett!

Sit! Sit.

Ouiser, you look
like hammered shit.

Don't talk to me like that!

I'm sorry. You look
like regular shit.

I have such a bone
to pick with you.

Woof! Aah!

Stop egging him on.

Come here.

Listen, I have just
come from the vet.

Come here, Rhett.

Whitey Black says

that all this noise

that you've
been making around here

for the last few days

has been causing a nervous
condition in my dog.

Look at this.
All his hair's falling out.

I got to give this animal
tranquilizers.

Whitey Black is a moron.

I'm not even sure
he has opposable thumbs.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have work out in the backyard.

Hi, Miss Ouiser.

Ecch. Leave me alone.

Now you listen to me.

I don't know
if I'm coming or going.

I heard you got so screwed up

you cut your dog
out of your will

and had an ungrateful
nephew put to sleep.

I'm at the end of my rope.

Well, tie a noose in it
and slip it over your head.

Oh, damn it, Ouiser.

I don't want
to have to kill you.

Boys! Bring me my gun!

Don't you threaten me,
Drum Eatenton,

or I will call the police.

I got to scare away
about five zillion birds

this afternoon before
Shelby's reception.

If I don't, I'll have
to deal with my wife,

and I make it a point
never to deal with my wife.

But that dog is on
his last legs.

What am I going to do
with that poor animal?

Serve him on toast.

You get those magnolias
out of my tree?

The judge has not decided
whose tree that is exactly.

It is mine.

I will speak to
M'Lynn about this.

Now, are these chocolate
chips semisweet or milk?

They're milk.

Is the Karo syrup light or dark?

It's a matter of taste.

Where's the other one

you were talking about…

A cuppa-cuppa-cup?

That's simple. You don't
need to write that down.

A cup of flour, a cup of sugar,

a cup of fruit cocktail
with the juice,

and you mix and bake at 350

to a golden bubbly.

Sounds awfully rich.

It is. So I serve it over ice
cream to cut the sweetness.

I'll be right back, honey.

Well, M'Lynn, looks like
you're ready to roll.

I think we can trust
Annelle to do that.

Honey, her coiffure card's
in a box on the counter.

Oh, I don't know.

Today is a very special day,

and my work tends to be too
pouffy when I'm nervous.

You stop that.
You're a professional now,

so get over there
and bang some hair.

Does your dress
have to go over your head?

No.

Oh, good.

I'm sorry.

Relax.

You can't screw up her hair.

Just make it look like a
brown football helmet.

I must have missed
the passage in Emily Post

that said all abuse is heaped
on the mother of the bride.

Oh, hush, girls.

Shelby, your mama
never tells us much.

What's Jackson like?

He's really cute.

I thought he was a pest at first,

but he kind of grew on me
and now I love him.

You made
a very good catch, Shelby.

Louisiana lawyers do well,
whether they want to or not.

I don't really care.

Don't get me wrong.

The money's real nice and all,

but I just like the idea
of growing old with somebody.

My dream is to get old

and sit on the back porch
covered with grandchildren

and say "no" and "stop that."

Are you going to quit
your nursing job?

Never. I love it.

I love being around
all those babies.

Drum and I both feel

she should not work
after she gets married.

I'm so anxious to discuss this topic

for the 900th time this week.

You should not be on your feet
all day long.

You should be kinder
to your circulatory system.

You know what you need
in here, Truvy?

You need a radio.

Music is a wonderful thing
to have in the background.

It takes the pressure off everybody
feeling they have to talk so much.

I used to have one,

but I slammed it
against the wall

when I couldn't figure out
where the batteries went.

Of course I know now

I was suffering from
premenstrual syndrome.

Radio… What did I just…

Oh, yes.

The Antilley family
is selling KPPD.

I wonder how much
radio stations sell for.

Miss Clairee, you should buy KPPD.

You got plenty of money.

What would I do
with a radio station?

Business never interested me.

Lloyd took care
of all that stuff.

I hope you and Jackson
will be as happy

as Lloyd and I were.

We had such a good time…

until November.

At least he hung on
through the state playoffs.

Miss Clairee,
there are still good times to be had.

Well, I really do love football,

but it's hard to parlay that
into a reason to live.

What are your colors, Shelby?

They're Blush and Bashful.

Ooh!

Her colors are pink and pink.

My colors are Blush
and Bashful, Mama.

How precious is this wedding
going to get?

My colors are Blush and Bashful.

I have chosen two shades of pink.

One is much deeper than the other.

But the bridesmaids' dresses,
they are really beautiful.

The ceremony will be, too.

The walls are banked
with sprays of flowers

in my two shades
of Blush and Bashful,

pink carpet specially
laid out for my service,

and pink silk bunting

draped over anything
that would stand still.

That sanctuary looks like it's
been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol.

I like pink.
Pink is my signature color.

How many bridesmaids?

Nine.

Nine? Good lord.

Exactly.

Mama made me have my cousins
and Margie St. Maurice.

Let's not go into this now.

There was no way around it.

It will be pretentious.

And Daddy always says,

"An ounce of pretension's
worth a pound of manure."

The poet laureate
of Dogwood Lane.

Mama, I wish you'd
get off Daddy's back.

Shelby, look. I don't…

Fill us in on the reception.

My reception, my reception…

Ferns, dancing, tons of people,

every pink flower
west of the Mississippi,

wedding cake in the dining room,

and the groom's cake
hidden in the carport.

Shelby and I,
we agree on one thing…

The groom's cake.
The groom's cake.

It's awful.

It's in the shape
of a giant armadillo.

An armadillo?

You're joking, right?

Jackson wanted a cake
in the shape of an armadillo.

His aunt makes them.

It's unusual.

It's repulsive.

It's got gray icing.

I can't even begin to think
how you make gray icing.

Worse, the cake part
is red velvet cake…

Blood red.

People are going to be hacking
into this poor animal.

It looks like
it's bleeding to death.

The rehearsal supper
was a real experience.

Mama, it wasn't that bad.

It was at Jackson's uncle's
place on the river.

Jackson's from
a good ol' Southern family

with good ol' Southern values…

Either shoot it,
stuff it, or marry it.

They're simply outdoorsy,
that's all.

Did y'all do anything
especially romantic?

We drove down
to Frenchman's Point

and went parking.

Ooh.

Oh, Shelby, really.

Oh, M'Lynn, leave her alone.

This is my favorite part.

This is the romantic part.

Now, see, that's what
really melts my butter.

Well, then,
we went skinny-dipping,

and we did things that
frightened the fish.

It's been a long time since we've
had a youngster in this place.

And we talked
and talked and talked.

I love those kind of talks…

In the arms of the man you love.

Actually, we fought
most of the time.

You fought?

'Cause I told him
I wouldn't marry him.

What?

Why did you do
a thing like that?

Oh, it's okay now.
We worked it all out.

Oh, it was probably one of those
last-minute jitter things.

No, but the wedding's still on.

Well, thank goodness,

because this is going in
the hairdo hall of fame.

Shelby, you scared us.

That wasn't a nice thing
to do to your mama.

Never say a thing like that to a woman
who's marinating 50 pounds of crab claws.

Oh, but the making up
can be so romantic.

I miss romance so much.

Oh, Truvy. It can't be that bad.

Oh, really, now?

The last romantic thing
my husband did for me

was back in 1972.

He enclosed this carport
so I could support him.

I think I have something
that could cheer you up.

Drum and I have been planning

on talking to your husband

about building a
room onto our house.

If you'll give Spud a job, I'll give you hot
oil treatments for the rest of your life.

Annelle, this looks pretty good.

I think you know
what you're doing.

Thank you.

Mrs. Eatenton,
you have great hair.

Your scalp's as
clean as a whistle.

I try.

It must run in the family.

The young 'un's got the prettiest
hair I ever had my hands in.

Just because I'm bragging
on you, don't get lazy.

Hold your head up.

Stop it.

Shelby?

Shelby.

M'Lynn!

I'll get some juice.

Truvy, there's some
candy in my purse.

I have some right here.

Shelby, Shelby, hold on.

Clairee's getting you
some juice.

Shelby, Shelby, Shelby.

Should I get her a cookie?

No. Juice is better.

Here's the juice.

Shelby.
Shelby, you need some juice.

You need some juice.

Stop it, Mama.

Drink the juice.

Please.

No! Stop it, Mama!
I have some candy in my purse.

You didn't bring your purse, sweetheart.
You didn't bring your purse.

No, you didn't. Here you go.

There you go.
Drink some of this.

It's not any wonder,

with all this running around
and wedding nonsense.

Excuse me. Should I call
the doctor or something?

No, no.

She's a diabetic.

She just has a little too
much insulin, that's all.

A little more in her,
she'll be all right.

If you don't leave me
alone, I'm going to leave.

I'd love to see you try.

Cooperate, please.

Honey, drink, please.

Come on now. That a girl.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes' yes.

There you go, there you go.

There, there, there.
That's a start.

This one hit her fast.

She's been so upset lately.

Dr. Mitchell told her
on her last appointment…

children aren't possible.

Don't talk about me
like I'm not here.

Oh, oh, oh.
She's making some sense now.

Yes, she is.

This one was not bad at all.
It was not bad at all.

Now I think we need
a little more juice.

Could I do something to help?

No. She'll be fine.
Don't fuss over her.

Normality is very
important to Shelby.

Here, M'Lynn. Thanks.

I am really sorry about
the children part, M'Lynn.

I know.

Shelby's afraid that Jackson
will be throwing away

his chance to have children.

Jackson said…

"Shelby, don't be stupid.

There's plenty of kids out there
need good homes."

Drink some.

"We'll adopt 10 of them.

We'll buy them if we have to."

Jackson sounds like
good people to me.

Oh, Mama, I'm sorry.

That's all right, honey.
Oh, it's all right.

It's all over now. It's over.

You hold your juice.

Okay.

It's all over. Hold your juice.

All right.

Okay.

You all right?

Oh, Truvy, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'll fix it.

We'll fix it.

Okay.

What did I do with my gun?
Where did you leave it?

How the hell do I know?

Well, come on.
We have work to do.

Daylight's burning.

We're going to get rid
of some birds.

Whoo! Got the arrows, Daddy.

All right, all right.

Hey! Hey!
Lookee here, lookee here.

Dad, I got the target.

No. We're not going
target shooting. Forget it.

Miss Clairee, what cute shoes.

You think so?

I'm not so sure myself.

They seem a little
too racy for me.

I'll probably give them away.

They're just
too cha-cha for words.

I'll buy them from you.

What size you wear?

I wear a size 6,

but a 7 feels so good
I buy a size 8.

They're 81/2.

Perfect.

Lord, give us strength.

Come here, Rhett!

That is one ugly dog.

What kind of dog is that?

If it had hair, a Saint Bernard.

This is it. I've found it.
I am in hell.

Good morning, Ouiser.

Don't try to get
on my good side.

I no longer have one.

You're a little early,
ain't you?

That is precisely why I'm here…

to talk to M'Lynn
about her husband.

He is a boil
on the butt of humanity.

I'm sorry, Ouiser.
This whole thing has gotten out of hand.

It's not your fault. I used to think
you were crazy for marrying that man.

Then I thought you were
a glutton for punishment.

Now I realize you must be
on some mission from God.

Miss Ouiser, Daddy isn't
trying to drive you crazy.

He's just trying
to make my reception nice.

His heart's in the right place.

Ouiser, I know for a fact

there will be no more gunshots.

He was going
to fire a gun at me.

They're blanks.

Drum would never point
a gun at a lady.

He's a real gentleman.

I bet he takes the dishes out of
the sink before he pees in it.

Who the hell are you?

Uh… Annelle.

This is my new…

Fine.

Now I know everybody
in this town.

And I don't recall
having seen you before.

I just moved into town
not too long ago.

With your family?

I don't have any family
to speak of.

Your husband?

My husband?

Yes.

Well, that's
kind of hard to say.

I, uh…

I don't know.

You don't know?

Well, I'm not sure.

You're not sure?

I'm intrigued.
Are you married or not?

These are not
difficult questions.

Well… we're…

I can't talk about it.

Of course you can.

Well, I'm not sure
if I'm married or not.

He's gone.

Men are the most
horrible creatures, honey.

They will ruin your life,
mark my words.

Everything is horrible.

Bunky-that's my husband…
He just vanished last week.

He took all the money,
my jewelry, the car.

Most of my clothes
were in the trunk.

He's in big trouble
with the law.

Mm-hmm.

Drugs or something.

The police keep questioning me,
but I don't know anything.

They say that our marriage
may not be legal.

Well, I wish you'd
have said something.

I was scared to.

I need a job in the worst way.

I didn't know if you would hire
someone who may or may not be married

to someone who might be
a dangerous criminal.

But, Miss Truvy, I swear to you,

my personal tragedy will not interfere
with my ability to do good hair.

Of course it won't.

I really don't think things
could get any worse.

Of course they can.

We are awful.

We are all hateful,
awful people.

Here all we've
been talking about

is weddings
and psychotic animals.

What can we do to help?

I know one thing.

Drop by this afternoon.

You're going to have some
bleeding armadillo groom's cake.

Oh, yes, you must.

Oh, no, I couldn't.
I still get real emotional sometimes.

Not today you won't.

It's going to be a great party.

Well, I don't have anything to wear.

I'll bet I have something
that will do.

I'll call the house.

Uh, thanks.

All right. Load me up.

Ready? All right.

We're ready.

All right.

Are you ready?

Stand back. Here we go.

Whoa!

Aah! Aah!

What the hell is that?

You got them real nice, Dad!

You nailed them!

Yeah! Yeah!

I hope no one was hurt.

Shelby, get my things.

Rhett!

Miss Ouiser, that dog
will eat Daddy alive.

Ohh, no!

Ouiser, talk to him!
He'll listen to you!

Please! It's my wedding day.
Say something!

Kill, Rhett! Kill!

Daddy, we're coming!

Bite him in the balls!

♪ Because God made thee mine ♪

♪ I'll cherish thee ♪

♪ Through light and darkness ♪

♪ Through all time we'll be ♪

♪ And pray his love ♪

♪ Will make our love divine ♪

Sorry.

♪ Because God ♪

♪ Made thee mine ♪

I'm sorry.

Now.

Shelby.

Shelby, it's time.

Daddy, it's time.

It's time.

It's time!

Grrr.

Who gives this woman
in marriage?

Her mother and I do!

Dearly beloved…

♪ I know a barber shop ♪
♪ way across town ♪

♪ Down on North Walker street ♪

♪ It's the loneliest place ♪
♪ on a Saturday night… ♪

This has been the happiest
day of my life, Daddy.

Oh, I'm glad, sugar.

I'm not talking too loud, am I?

No, you're fine.

Shelby loves you very much.

I hope so.

It cost me 60 bucks
to rent this sucker.

I-I'm being serious.

So am I.

I got the receipt right here.

Could I say this, please?

Shelby is so happy.

I know when you're young

it seems like everything
will always be perfect.

Maybe it will be.

Promise me you'll think about it

before you make any big decisions
about family.

I know what you're saying.

Good.

♪ Never won't come, come, come ♪

♪ If you don't 7-11, dice ♪

♪ I'm done, done, done ♪

♪ Now if I see the police ♪
♪ before he sees me ♪

♪ I'm gonna run, run, run ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the leader of society ♪

♪ Since I got mine… ♪

What can I get you?

Nothing. No, thanks.

You sure? It's free.

Oh?

Come on. What will it be?

A cherry Coke.

Sure.

So, are you a friend of
the bride or the groom?

Neither. Sh-Shelby invited me.

I don't know why I'm here.

I'm Sammy.

And this here's the best cherry
Coke in the history of the world.

Can I help you, sir?

That Jackson,
he is one big hangin' man.

Yes, I know.

Nancy Beth, come along.

Calories, calories.

I don't like Belle Marmillion.

I don't trust anybody that does their
own hair. I don't think it's normal.

She's the best volunteer we have
at the mental guidance center.

She's so good
with troubled children.

Wish I'd have taken Louie there
and got him straightened out.

Even his imaginary playmates
wouldn't play with him.

Oh, Truvy, your boy grew up fine.
He's just a little scary.

I just think it'd be fun to have access
to all that secret personal information.

Oh, come on, M'Lynn.

Tell me some of your
most bizarre cases,

and let me see if I can
figure out who they are.

No.

There's some pretty sick
tickets in this town.

I will do no such thing.
Cut that out.

You old fuddy-duddy.

I'm not speaking to you.

Oh, what a shame.

I mean it, Drum.

Can we call a truce long enough
for me to get a piece of cake?

Thanks, Ouiser.

Nothing like
a good piece of ass.

Clairee, you know I'd rather walk on
my lips than to criticize anybody.

But… Janice Van Meter.

I know.

I bet money
she's paid $500 for that dress

and don't even bother
to wear a girdle.

Looks like two pigs
fighting under a blanket.

I haven't left the house without Lycra
on these thighs since I was 14.

You were brought up right.

Congratulations, Drum.

Big day, isn't it?

Grrr.

Ouiser? Ouiser, there's
someone I'd like you to meet.

That looks like an autopsy.

This is Jackson's
Aunt Fern Thornton.

From Alexandria.

She made the cake.

You did this?

Guilty.

Well, it's very simple, really.

It just takes patience.

You only do armadillos?

No. I can do anything…
except snakes.

I don't have the counter space.

♪ Son of a gun, ♪
♪ we're gonna have big fun ♪

♪ On the bayou ♪

♪ Whoa, jambalaya ♪
♪ and a crawfish pie ♪

♪ And a fillet gumbo ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight ♪
♪ I'm gonna see my cher a mio ♪

♪ Pick guitar, fill fruit jar ♪

♪ And be gay-o ♪

♪ Son of a gun, ♪
♪ gonna have some fun ♪

♪ On the bayou ♪

♪ Thibodaux, Fontaineaux ♪

♪ This place is buzzin' ♪

♪ Kinfolk come to see Yvonne ♪
♪ by the dozen ♪

♪ Dress in style, ♪
♪ go hog wild, me oh my oh ♪

♪ Son of a gun, ♪
♪ gonna have big fun ♪

♪ On the bayou ♪

♪ Oh, jambalaya ♪
♪ and a crawfish pie ♪

♪ And fillet gumbo ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight ♪
♪ I'm gonna see my cher a mio ♪

♪ Pick guitar, fill fruit jar ♪

♪ And be gay-o ♪

♪ Son of a gun ♪

♪ Gonna have big fun ♪
♪ on the bayou ♪

♪ Jambalaya and a crawfish pie ♪

♪ A fillet gumbo ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight ♪
♪ I'm gonna see my cher a mio ♪

♪ Pick guitar, fill fruit jar ♪

♪ And be gay-o ♪

♪ Son of a gun ♪

♪ Gonna have big fun ♪
♪ on the bayou ♪

Mama… help me.

Well, this is it.
You're finally rid of me.

Oh, I think you'll be back
every now and then.

Corsages are pretty stupid

when you think about
it, aren't they?

You make Jackson Latcherie
take good care of you.

Mama, Jackson
will take care of me.

And I'll take care of him.

And I'm not stupid.

I'll get my bags.

Well, the boys just
brought the car around.

What did they do to it?

Let me put it this way…

If you and Jackson want to
practice safe sex, you're all set.

Truvy, are you leaving so early?

Yeah. But I'll have sweet dreams
with this under my pillow.

I hope your husband
feels better.

He's going to be fine.

Say hello to Spud. I'll do it.

I'm sure he's sorry
he missed all this.

Such a beautiful wedding.
Thanks, Truvy.

You're leaving so soon?

Hi.

Hello.

Would you like a ride?

I have new shoes.

Have to break them in.

Well, good night.
It was a lovely day.

Stop it.

Walk me home, Clairee.

You just live over there.

I don't want to walk
in that house by myself.

You watch the news.

You know what kind
of world we're living in.

Walk me home.

Who's going to walk me home?

You've got the flashlight.

My car's parked over there.

This is ridiculous.

You're only a few feet away.

Will you follow me? Follow me.

You're acting like a child.

The older you get,
the sillier you get.

The older you get,
the uglier you get.

And last, but never least,

Santa's most beautiful helper,

this year's
Miss Merry Christmas,

Nancy Beth Marmillion!

Get it while the getting's good!

Best food in Louisiana!

Blood, sweat, and tears
go in every little bowlful.

Right, boys?

That's right, Truvy.

1, 2, 3, 4…

Shelby!

Well, get your little
country butt over here.

Were you trying to sneak by us without
buying some of our jumbo shrimp?

They're hot and spicy,
just like Annelle.

Truvy, stop.

You should try one.

We've already
pulled their heads off.

No, I'm just killing time.

Jackson's found a firearm.
We may never see him again.

How about a glass of iced tea?
It's the house wine of the South.

Perfect.

Oh, coming up.

Bet your mama's happy

you got home in time
for the festival.

I wouldn't miss the festival.
How's your family?

Oh, fine.
Spud's as outgoing as ever.

Louie brought
his girlfriend home,

and the nicest thing
I can say about her

is all her tattoos
are spelled correctly.

Oh, Truvy.

Get your money away.

Thanks.

Well, my hair's not the only
thing that's changed.

So much has happened.

After they finally put
Bunky Dupuy behind bars

and I was rid of him,

I went wild.

I was running around
drinking, smoking.

Jezebel.

Truvy helped me see
the error of my ways.

She gave me a place to live.

Now I go to church.

I've done guest lectures on beauty
at the trade school.

Annelle's become
one of the hottest tickets in town.

Oh, Truvy, hush. It's true.

Well, I am
enjoying the city more,

and I'm so excited about
this Christmas festival.

There's a Messiah
sing-along tomorrow. Oh, no!

What's the matter?

Oh, nobody move!
My contact! Oh, no!

Stay back!

Wait, don't move!
Can you back up, please?

Hello, darlings.
When did you get into town?

This afternoon.
Here, merry Christmas.

Thank you.

I've been trying to show Jackson everything.
He's never been to the festival.

Listen to the football
game tonight.

Sure. What are we listening for?

Me. Didn't your mama tell you?

Mama never
tells anyone anything.

I'm the color announcer
for the Devils. I'm fabulous.

I'm just too colorful for words.

Nice of them to let you
talk on the radio.

Nice, nothing.
I own the radio station.

You bought it!

Yes. KPPD, the station of choice
in Chinquapin Parish.

Mrs. Belcher, we got to go!
The kickoff! Bye!

This has been an
extremely hard-fought football game,

considering the fact
that the Dry Prong lines

don't seem to have the kind
of depth that Chinquapin has.

Well?

Nope.

Rolly Bassett got the contract.

His bid was 6,000 under mine.

6,000.

Well, he owns all his own equipment,
and I don't.

It's hell to be poor and hired out.

Well, I have got some fried chicken here,
prepared by Christian women,

a bottle of cheap wine,

and I've arranged for some
pretty incredible fireworks.

Oh, come on, Spud.

I don't want to miss

the nativity made
entirely out of sparklers.

I don't feel much like it.

Well, you will
once we get there.

I'm happy where I am.

Spud.

We always watch the fireworks.

Whoa. That's the ball game.
Final score…

This is KPPD Radio,

station of choice
in Chinquapin Parish,

coming to you live
from the Devils' locker room.

This is Bark Boone with color
announcer Clairee Belcher.

Thank you, Bark.

You know, Bark, it's a shame
our listeners can't be here

to see the gorgeous
new Devil uniforms.

Uh… they're lovely.

I would never have chosen
those white pants.

They're filthy. I would have
gone with a darker color.

White shows everything.
Just look at those grass stains.

Impossible to get out.

It's hard to keep white
clean when you're tackled.

But I love the tops,
such a vibrant purple.

Would you call this color
grape or aubergine?

Shut up.

What?

You're making a fool
out of yourself, Clairee.

I am not.

This is football.

All the people want to hear about
is touchdowns and injuries.

They don't give a damn
about that grape shit.

We have this new psychiatrist
that comes in two days a week.

Of course, I pick her name
out of the grab bag.

I got to get her something.
Put that on the list.

I have no idea
what to get your father.

What's Jackson giving you?
Do you know?

Furniture.

Furniture? Well, my.

Must be nice to be married
to a rich lawyer.

What's it for, the living room?

No. For the nursery.

We wanted to tell you

when you and Daddy were together,
but you're never together,

so… it's every man for himself.

I'm pregnant.

I realize that.

Well, is that it?

Is that all you're going to say?

What do you want me to say?

Well, something along the lines
of "congratulations."

Congratulations.

Would it be too much to ask…

for a little excitement?

Not too much. I wouldn't want you
to break a sweat or anything.

It's in July.

Oh, Mama.

You have to help me plan.

We're going to get a new house.

Jackson and I are going
house hunting next week.

Jackson loves to hunt
for anything.

What does Jackson say
about all this?

He's so excited.

He says he doesn't care
whether it's a boy or a girl,

but I know he really wants a son
so bad he can taste it.

He's really cute about the whole thing. It's
all he talks about… Jackson Latcherie, Jr.

Does he ever listen?

I mean, when doctors and
specialists give you advice,

does he listen?

I know you never do. Does he?

Huh?

What?

Well, I guess since
he doesn't have to carry the baby,

it really isn't any of his concern.

Mama.

I want a child.

What about adoption?
You filled out all the applications.

Mama, no judge
is going to give a baby

to someone
with my medical record.

Jackson even put out feelers
about buying one.

People do it all the time.

Listen to me.

I want a child of my own.

I think it would help things a lot.

I see.

Mama, you worry too much.

In fact, I never worry, 'cause I always
know you're worrying enough for both of us.

Jackson and I have given this
a lot of thought.

Has he really? There's a
first time for everything.

Don't start on Jackson, Mama.

Your poor body has
been through so much.

Why deliberately
do this to yourself?

Diabetics have healthy
babies all the time.

You are special, Shelby.

There are limits
to what you can do.

I'm going to be…

very, very careful.

Nobody's going to be hurt

or disappointed
or even inconvenienced.

Least of all Jackson, I'm sure.

You're jealous…

because you no longer
have a say-so in what I do,

and that drives you up the wall.

You're ready to spit nails
because you can't call the shots.

I did not raise my daughter
to talk to me like this.

Yes, you did. Oh, no, I didn't.

Whenever any of us asked you what you wanted
for us when we grew up, what did you say?

I'm not in the mood
to play games.

Just tell me what you said.

The only thing I have ever said to you
is that I want you to be happy.

Okay. The one thing that
would make me happy

is to have a baby.

If I could adopt one,
I would, but I can't.

I'm going to have a baby,

and I wish you'd be happy, too.

I'll tell you what I wish.

I don't know what I wish.

Mama, I don't know why you have to
make everything so difficult.

I look at having this baby
as the opportunity of a lifetime.

Sure, there may be risk involved,

but that's true for anybody.

But you get through it,
and life goes on.

When it's all said and done, there'll
be a little piece of immortality

with Jackson's good looks
and my sense of style, I hope.

Please.

I need your support.

I would rather have
30 minutes of wonderful

than a lifetime
of nothing special.

Okay. All right.
I'm going to hand it to you.

I don't want to hit you
upside the head.

I got one hole left. Right.

Put the cords behind the pole.

If they show, it'll look tacky.

You told me about 40 times.

Annelle, did you do all this?

Guilty.

Truvy just turned over the
decoration responsibility to me.

Look. I went to the fire sale

at the Baptist book store
in Shreveport last week.

They had mismatched manger scenes
at incredibly low prices.

I cleaned them out
of baby Jesuses,

which I made into ornaments.

She's ready to roll.

Would you do the honors?

Yeah. Here you are,
Mrs. Latcherie.

Thanks, Sammy.

Ready?

♪ Down in Louisiana ♪

♪ We have a Cajun Christmas… ♪

Annelle, it's wonderful.

It works!

How cute.

I think your elves
have gone berserk.

Well, Shelby,

I wasn't expecting to see you.

What can I do for you?

I'm running a special
called a Christmas quickie.

I'm beyond help.

Last week I discovered
the early stages of crow's feet.

Honey, time marches on.

Eventually you realize it's
marching across your face.

Oh, no.

It's Miss Ouiser.

I'm supposed to give her
a pedicure today.

I hate working on her feet.

It could have been worse.

She could have wanted
a bikini waxing.

Let's not get graphic.

Why not?

Miss Ouiser, I met
an old friend of yours.

Oh?

Owen Jenkins.

Oh.

Owen. Now, there's
a blast from the past.

Do you remember him?

He remembers you.

He had the longest nose
hair in the free world.

Now he hardly has
any hair anywhere.

Owen's been gone from Chinquapin
Parish since God was a boy.

I'd forgotten he'd existed.

He lives in Monroe and goes
to First Presbyterian.

He asked if I knew you.

He used to live
in Ohio somewhere.

His wife just died,
and he's moved back down here.

Does this story have a point?

No, not really. He just
remembers you fondly, I think.

I can't imagine why.

He was not a bad fellow, but
I managed to run him off

and marry the first
of two total deadbeats.

Maybe sometime I could arrange

for us all to get together.

Maybe not.

Why not?

Shelby, I managed
in a few decades

to marry the two most
worthless men in the universe

and then proceeded to have the three
most ungrateful children ever conceived.

The only reason
people are nice to me

is because I have
more money than God.

I'm not about to open
a new can of worms.

Ouiser.

What?

If this is how you feel,
it isn't healthy.

Maybe you should come
to the guidance center

and talk to someone.
We're there to help.

I'm not crazy, M'Lynn.

I've just been

in a very bad mood for 40 years.

Hi.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, look at you.

Is that new?

I made the dress
with my own two hands.

I just threw the rest together.

The only thing that separates
us from the animals

is our ability to accessorize.

Oh.

Annelle, why are you so late?

Did you and Sammy
get tangled up in the tinsel?

Truvy. You kill me.

Merry Christmas.

Oh! Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, darling.

I have to tell you
your nephew Marshall

is a little piece
of heaven on earth.

They're family, and I love them,

but they do look carved
out of cream cheese.

Clairee, I'm surprised at you

talking about your kin that way.

Well, as somebody always said,

if you can't say anything
nice about anybody,

come sit by me.

That's a good one.

Miss Ouiser.

What?

There's somebody that
wants to see you.

Who?

I've opened the can
of worms for you.

What?

Hell.

Owen Jenkins.

Hello, Louisa. Remember me?

My God, you look different.
Have you shrunk?

You look terrific.

You've hardly changed at all.

I'm not as sweet
as I used to be.

♪ Jesus Lord, at thy birth… ♪

I cannot believe
Shelby did that.

Owen…

After all these years.

I'm not sure I can be
gracious under pressure.

Shelby does a lot of
things I can't believe.

M'Lynn, what's wrong
with you these days?

You got a reindeer up your butt?

Everybody! Tommy,
get all these people outside.

Come on, everybody.

My dad's going to say something.

I just want a moment
of your time, folks, now.

Today my daughter…

told me a big secret.

Daddy.

Don't worry. I'm not going to
tell them you're pregnant.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I'm just going to tell them
I'm going to be a granddaddy.

Oh. That's wonderful.

Oh, Grandma!

Congratulations.

Well, ain't you excited?

Smile. It increases
your face value.

And the doctor said Shelby
couldn't have children.

Yeah. What do they know?
She showed them.

They said she shouldn't
have children.

There's a big difference.

This baby is not exactly great news.

Jackson and Shelby.

Oh, M'Lynn, I really wish

I had some words of wisdom,
but I don't.

Why don't we focus on
the joy of the situation?

It'll be fine.

Absolutely.

You know what they say…

That which does not kill us
makes us stronger.

Nothing pleases Shelby more
than proving me wrong.

Oh, and to my new grandbaby…

May he be as
good-looking as I am.

♪ Born on the third of July ♪

♪ He's a Yankee Doodle sweetheart ♪

♪ He's a Yankee Doodle boy ♪

♪ Yankee Doodle went to London ♪

♪ Just to ride the ponies ♪

♪ He is a Yankee Doodle boy ♪

Whoo!

Go ahead. Blow it out, buddy.

This is boring as hell.

You only have your
first birthday once.

Little buddy's making a wish.

I wish he'd just
blow out the candle.

I can't stand this.

Don't you dare.

Come on. Look. Look.

Here we go.

1… 2… 3…

Yay. Yay.

Happy birthday.

I'll be back from Truvy's
in about an hour.

Anything you want?

I think I'll come with you.

I want to get my hair cut.

Short.
And I want Truvy to do it.

It's easier to take care of.

I'd love to be able to run my fingers
through it and go.

I think that would be precious.

I feel the need to make things
as simple as possible.

Let me go tell Jackson.

Shelby.

Shelby, I just can't
seem to find the wipes.

They're in my bag. Is he wet?

He's muddy.

Miss Clairee,
finish about your nephew.

Get to the good stuff.

Well, I have to admit,

Marshall did go about it
the wrong way.

He marched in,

and without so much
as a hello, he said,

"Mama and Daddy,
I have something to tell you.

"I have a brain tumor.

I have three months to live."

Well, naturally,
Drew and Belle became hysterical.

Then he said,
"Hey, folks, I'm only kidding.

I'm just gay."

That was his idea of
breaking the news gently?

Marshall was always
very theatrical.

I wonder what Drew and Belle
must be feeling about this.

I don't know.

They have considered themselves
a model family for so long.

First Nancy Beth dethroned

from her
Miss Merry Christmas title

because of that
unfortunate motel thing.

What motel thing? I don't
live here anymore. Remember?

Nancy Beth was discovered
in a local motel

with a high political official.

They were both high.

They'd been smoking
everything but their shoes.

She's the first Miss Merry
Christmas in history

to be caught with her tinsel
down around her knees.

Well, speaking of drawers,
hang on to yours.

Ta-da!

Oh, gosh.

Oh, you don't like it.

I did what you asked me,
didn't I?

Yes, Truvy,
you did a beautiful job.

Well, it's just that…

Oh, sweetheart, don't.

Please don't cry,
or I will, too.

I have a strict policy

that nobody cries alone
in my presence.

I love it.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, now, Truvy,
let's do my nails.

This is a treat.

Nobody around here
ever wants a manicure.

I don't think I would even know what
to charge for a full day's beauty.

I'll need one, too.

I'm going to paint
my front door red

and change my name
to Elizabeth Arden.

Amen.

Annelle, I'm going to
need more cuticle oil.

Is it still next…

Second shelf.

Was she praying?

Yes.

Why?

Got me. Maybe she was praying
for Marshall and Drew and Belle.

Maybe for us
'cause we were gossiping.

Maybe because the elastic's
shot in her panty hose.

She's prays at the drop
of a hat these days.

How long has she been this way?

Since Mardi Gras.

She had her choice of
going to a Bible weekend

or to New Orleans with me
and two other sinners.

What does her boyfriend say?

Sammy's so confused,
he don't know whether

to scratch his watch
or wind his butt.

He says he could deal
with another man,

but he's having trouble with the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

Ahem.

Oh, well, does Marshall
have, you know, friends?

Well, we discussed that.

I asked him how he… met people.

In my day you could tell

by a man's carriage and demeanor

which side his bread
was buttered on,

but in this day and age,
who knows?

I asked Marshall,
"How can you tell?"

And he said,
"All gay men have track lighting,

"and all gay men

are named Mark, Rick or Steve."

Be a soft-spoken dog.

Morning.

What's so funny in there?

Clairee's just been telling us
this true story of track lighting.

Oh, I love mine.

Highlights my new art work.

Since when do you
have track lighting?

About three weeks.

It's in the foyer
up the staircase.

My grandson's idea.

I haven't seen him in ages.

How is he?

Steve's fine.

Shelby.

Oh, God. Your hair is so short.

Why are you in such a good mood?

Did you run over
a small child or something?

Tomatoes.

Don't give all these to me.

Somebody's got to take them.

I try not to eat healthy food
if I can possibly help it.

The sooner my body gives out,
the better off I'll be.

I can't get enough grease
into my diet.

Why do you grow them?

Because I'm
an old Southern woman.

We're supposed to wear funny-looking hats and
ugly clothes and grow vegetables in the dirt.

Don't ask me those questions.

I don't know why.
I don't make the rules.

Oh, now, that's attractive,
Ouiser.

Hmm. Shelby.

Oh, honey, what have
you done to yourself?

It doesn't hurt.

M'Lynn, have you seen this?

Yes, I have.

The doctor's just trying
to strengthen my veins.

They're in terrible shape.

My God.

It looks like you've been
driving nails up your arms.

What is going on?

Shall we tell them, Mama?

Well, I guess we can't
keep it a secret any longer.

Shelby has been
driving nails up her arm.

It's my dialysis.

It's no big thing.

Don't look at me like that.

Having Jack, Jr. Put too
much strain on my kidneys.

Now they're kaput, that's all.

The doctor said this
would probably happen.

That's all?

That's all, she says.

Do you do this dialysis forever?

Well, I could, I suppose,

but it's not real convenient when you're
trying to keep up with Jack, Jr.,

so I'll have a kidney transplant,
I'll be fine.

Is it that easy? Sure.

They do three or four
a week in Shreveport.

They do. Our Sunday school class was
just praying for one the other day.

The hard part's finding
the kidney, isn't it?

I saw something about it on TV…
very dramatic.

These medical teams
fly all over the place,

taking hearts, kidneys,
and who knows what else.

What impressed me most

was they carry those organs
in beer coolers.

Stop it.

Those doctors take out
their six-packs,

throw in dry ice and a heart,
and get on a plane.

How long do you have to
wait for one?

There are people on dialysis
that have been waiting for years.

That must be agony.

Well, I suppose, but I'm lucky.

I don't have to wait anymore.

Mama's going to give me
one of her kidneys.

When?

We check in tomorrow morning.

So you better get going on my nails.

Annelle, I'm dripping.

Sorry.

I shouldn't have said that.

Said what?

Back at Truvy's.

When I said I'd be better off
when my body wears out.

I shouldn't have said that
in front of Shelby.

I didn't mean that.

Ouiser, nobody pays
any attention to you.

But I feel bad, Clairee.

I'm a terrible person.

No, you're not.

You'd give your dog a kidney
if he needed one.

Yes.

Clairee, this is just a gesture.

We're not feeding Drum
till the end of time.

Drum loves pork and beans.
He eats them with everything.

That explains a lot.

You're supposed to
soak the red beans overnight.

But we don't have overnight.

I wanted to take it to them
before they leave for the hospital.

Let's cook something else.

I bought all the stuff.

It's in the "Freezes Beautifully"
section of my cookbook.

I want to take something
that freezes beautifully.

Then we'll make
red beans and rice.

Sammy Dwayne DeSoto,
what is this in my Frigidaire?

Beer.

I don't care what you do
in your refrigerator,

but you will not
keep liquor in mine.

Oh, Annelle, for Christ's sakes.

Who?

Christ.

Who did you say?

Christ, Christ, Christ.

Are you speaking of Our Lord?

Is that whose name
you're taking in vain?

That's the one.

Well, I am sorry, Sammy,

but I'm not about spend
the next 50 years of my life

with someone who I'm not gonna
run into in the hereafter.

Annelle, goddamn it!

I think we should pray.

Oh, I'd rather eat dirt.

Shelby says her half
of the operation's easy.

I guess M'Lynn's is terrible.

They basically have
to saw her in half

to get the kidney out.

Well, they always do it
on Circus of the Stars.

Don't joke about it, Spud.

I feel awful for 'em.

Yeah, well.

I guess the Eatentons are lucky.

They all know how much
they mean to each other.

Maybe I'm jealous.

Hand me that socket wrench,
would you?

Which one's a socket wrench?

The socket wrench,
the socket wrench.

This funny-looking thing?

Thank you.

That's not funny.

Okay, no more transplant jokes.

Daddy doesn't like them.

Whose turn is it?

Oh, Mama.

Oh, yes?

Give me all your…

internal organs.

Oh, I mean aces.

Gosh, Dad, I-I'm sorry.

Yeah.

It just slipped out.

Go fish.

I'm going to put
this little one to bed.

Mama, I'll do it.

No, no, no. Let me.

After tomorrow it'll be a long time
before I can pick him up again.

So much for the card game.

Movie! Movie!

It's old, in black and white.

Nothing dirty there.

I got it, a classic…

A Tale of Two Kidneys.

That's funny.

You think that's funny?

Yes.

That's not funny.

Oh.

I overslept 'cause I was
up late cooking.

I've got to get these beans
to the Eatentons,

and it's my Sunday
to count the offering.

I just know I'm gonna miss church.

Cool down.
I'll have to turn the hose on you.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Well, I know what you're gonna do.
You are gonna get in this car.

We're going to drop those beans off
at the Eatenton house.

Then you are going
to church with me.

Oh, I don't know.

God don't care
which church you go to,

long as you show up.

♪ Abide with me ♪

♪ Fast falls the eventide ♪

♪ The darkness deepens ♪

♪ Lord, with me abide ♪

♪ When other helpers ♪

♪ Fail and comforts flee ♪

♪ Help of the helpless, Lord… ♪

Ouiser, what brings you here?

Shut up.

I was wondering how things
were with you and Owen.

I can report that
the Sherwood Florist delivery truck

stops by her house twice a week.

He knows I like fresh flowers.

And I can report
that a strange car

is parked in her garage
once a week.

There.

My secret is out.

I am having an affair
with a Mercedes-Benz.

We are in the house of the Lord.

Oh, a lot she cares.

Ouiser never done
a religious thing in her life.

Now, that is not true.

When I was in school,
my friends and I would dress up as nuns

and go bar-hopping.

Uh, Ouiser, forgive me, but I
just been dying to ask you this.

Have you and Owen, you know, um…

Wait. I have to get
a mental picture of this.

A dirty mind is a
terrible thing to waste.

Well?

Not that this is any of
anyone else's business,

but no, we're friends.

He would like more,
and I'm dealing with that.

I'm old and set in my ways.

You are playing hard to get.

At her age, she should be
playing Beat the Clock.

Miss DeLore,
is 240 on Telemetry?

Yes, he is.

Thank you.

May I help you?

I need somebody
to fix my I.V., please.

Someone will be there
in a minute.

Wendy, can you check 240's I.V?

Sure.

Rodriguez, dial 7-4.
Dr. Rodriguez, dial 7-4, please.

I really do. I think
that despite everything,

we have a very good result.

Looks good.

Looks real, real good.

Thanks.

Surprise!

Oh, Truvy, I can't believe this!

I have always wanted to
give a wedding shower

with a monster motif.

That's what you get
for getting married on Halloween.

My heart!

Let's open the gifts.

You're welcome. Next.

M'Lynn, appliqué.

With some little fringe on them.

Fringe, yes.

Quiet down. Quiet down.

It says,
"Better late than never."

Whoo!

Look out, Sammy!

Who's that from?

It's not signed. Let me see.

Ouiser.

What?

I'd recognize
this penmanship anywhere.

You have the handwriting
of a serial killer.

I thought Sammy wouldn't mind
you reading the Bible in bed,

as long as you were wearing
something inspirational.

Yuk, yuk, yuk.

Put down "split crotch."

This is from Shelby.

That's disgusting.

She's sorry she couldn't be here.
She's on duty.

How is she?

Fine.

I fed Baby Renz
but not Alex, okay?

Oh, okay.

Gotta get home now
for Halloween.

Have a good evening.

Shelby, this is too cute.

Where did you find this?

Aunt Fern made it.

I can't wait to get home
and try it on Jack.

I taught him to say
"trick or treat" or something…

something kind of like it.

Could you hand me that bag, Pam?

Thanks. Good night.

Good night.

Here you go.

Thank you. And if this don't work on my
husband, maybe you can come back later.

See you.

Hmm. Looks like somebody's
husband's coming home tonight.

When you work a seven-day
stretch on an offshore oil rig,

all you wanna do
on your day off is sleep.

I'll do everything
I can to keep him up.

Anne Boleyn had six fingers.

Who's Anne Berlin?

Anne Boleyn. She was one of
the six wives of Henry VIII.

Oh, well, I never
watch public television.

She had six fingers.

What happened to the other four?

She had 11 total.

Are you trying to
confuse me, Clairee?

No.

I just want to expose us
to more culture.

That's not easy to come by
in this neck of the woods.

Ouiser, how about taking a
theater trip to New York?

I don't want to expose
myself to anything.

You should broaden
your horizons.

You broaden
your horizons your way,

I'll broaden my horizons mine.

I'm going to support
the arts in this area.

I'll write a check. I support art.
I just don't have to see it.

It wouldn't harelip you.

Clairee, can I get one thing
straight with you?

I do not see plays

because I can nap at home
for free.

I don't see movies because they're trash and
they got nothing but naked people in them.

I don't read books 'cause the good
ones are made into miniseries.

You know,

you would be a much more
contented, pleasant person

if you would find ways
to occupy your time.

I am pleasant!

I saw Drum Eatenton this morning
at the Piggly Wiggly

and I smiled at the son of a bitch
before I could help myself.

Ow!

Shit.

Sorry, Miss… Sorry, Miss Ouiser.

Annelle, you take your Bible
and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

Put it in Mommy's pocket.

There we go.

We'll zip you up,

and we'll go trick-or-treating
right after dinner.

Let's go and make
some spaghetti.

Oh!

Jack.

Oh.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yes.

Let's go… Let's go
call D-Daddy, okay?

Shelby!

Darling, I'm home.

Shelby!

What's the matter, pal?

What?

What's the matter?

Shelby!

Okay, buddy. Okay, okay.

All right.

Shelby!

Oh, my God.

Okay, baby, just put you
right here. One minute.

Shelby? Baby?

Shelby?

Rejection of the kidney.

The coma may be irreversible.

Good morning.

Morning, Gladys.

We're doing our Jane Fonda.

Yeah, exercises
are good for her.

Here's the one where
you're holding him.

You're looking at him
and he's looking at you,

and then you all looked
over at me. Remember?

Open your eyes, Shelby.

Open your eyes. Open your eyes.
Look at him.

He wants you to
open your eyes, Shelby.

He wants you to open…
open your eyes.

The patient's pulse
is unchanged.

Some fluttering
in the A.V. Fistula.

It's weak.

The radial pulse is weaker.

The renal pulse is unchanged.

"Lesson three.

"Never be afraid
to try a brave new look.

"Now, that can mean wearing…

"daring to wear, um…

a sexy slip of a dress
that bares…"

Honey, it'll do you good
to get out for a while.

Eat a real dinner.

What if she wakes up for two
minutes and I'm not here?

"For example,

we know where you can get
a top-of-the-line hairstyle."

Call Clairee.

Call Connolly's Funeral Home.

That's the nicest.

Jackson.

You're going to have
to get her pink suit,

the one with the little red
cherries on the lapel?

Where's Jack, Jr?

Aunt Fern's.

Here's your grandma.

There you go.

Pumpkin.

Jackson.

Does this tie go?

Yeah.

You look real nice.

I'll come with you to the funeral
if you don't mind.

I don't mind.

I feel sorry for them, you know?

I mean, especially Jackson…

losing Shelby like that.

If something like that ever
happened to me, I don't know…

I don't know what I'd do.

A thing like this just
doesn't make any sense.

No sense at all.

I just keep thinking
about what Annelle says.

"The Lord works in mysterious ways."

What the hell is this for?

It makes you pretty.

Hey.

Come on home, honey.

How you holding up, honey?

I'm fine.

It was a beautiful service.

The flowers were
the most beautiful flowers

I have ever seen.

They were beautiful.

Miss M'Lynn?

It should make you
feel a lot better

that Shelby is with her king.

Yes, Annelle, I guess it should.

We should all be rejoicing.

You go on ahead.

I'm sorry if I don't feel like it.

I guess I'm a little selfish.

I'd rather have her here.

Miss M'Lynn…

I don't mean to upset you
by saying that.

It's just that…

when something
like this happens,

I pray very hard

to make heads
or tails of it, and…

and I think that in Shelby's case,

she just wanted to take care
of that little baby

and of you,
of everybody she knew.

And her poor little body
was just worn out.

It just wouldn't let her do
all the things she wanted to.

So she went on to a place

where she could
be a guardian angel.

She will always be young,

she will always be beautiful.

And I personally feel much safer
knowing she's up there on my side.

It may sound
real simple and stupid,

and maybe I am,

but that's how I get
through things like this.

Thank you, Annelle.

I appreciate that.

And it's a real good idea.

Shelby wouldn't want us to get
mired down and wallow in this.

We should handle it
the best way we know how

and get on with it.

That's what my mind says.

I wish somebody
would explain it to my heart.

Drum says you never left her side
for a second.

No…

I couldn't leave my Shelby.

I just sat there
and kept on pushing

the way I always have
where Shelby was concerned.

I was hoping she'd
sit up and argue with me.

And finally we realized
there was no hope.

We turned off the machines.

Drum left. He couldn't take it.

Jackson left.

I find it amusing.

Men are supposed to be
made out of steel or something.

But I just sat there.

I just held Shelby's hand.

There was no noise…

no tremble…

just… peace.

Oh, God.

I realize, as a woman,
how lucky I am.

I was there

when that wonderful creature
drifted into my life,

and I was there
when she drifted out.

It was the most
precious moment of my life.

I got to get back.

Does anybody got a mirror?

Does anybody have a mirror?

I don't know how you're doing
on the inside, honey,

but your hair
is just holding up beautiful.

Oh… Shelby was right.

This is a brown football helmet.

Honey, are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm fine!

I can jog all the way
to Texas and back,

but my daughter can't.

She never could.

God! I'm so mad,
I don't know what to do.

I want to know why.

I want to know why
Shelby's life is over.

I want to know how
that baby will ever know

how wonderful his mother was.

Will he ever know
what she went through for him?

Oh, God, I want to know why!

Why?

Lord, I wish I could understand.

No! No! No!

It's not supposed
to happen this way.

I'm supposed to go first.

I've always been ready to go first.

I don't think I can take this.
I don't think I can take this.

I just want to hit somebody
till they feel as bad as I do.

I just want to hit something!
I want to hit it hard!

Here!

Hit this!

Go ahead, M'Lynn. Slap her!

Are you crazy?

Hit her!

Are you high, Clairee?

Have you lost your mind?

We'll sell T-shirts saying,
"I slapped Ouiser Boudreaux."

Hit her!

Miss Clairee, enough.

Ouiser, this is your chance
to do something for your fellow man.

Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!

Let go of me!

You missed your chance.

Half of Chinquapin Parish would give their
eyeteeth to take a whack at Ouiser!

Oh.

You are a pig from hell!

Ouiser, don't leave!

Ouiser, Ouiser, I was just kidding.
Come back. Oh.

Not a very Christian
thing to do.

Oh. Annelle,
you got to lighten up.

Go away.

Okay, all right, hit me then.
I deserve it.

You are evil,
and you must be destroyed.

Mother Nature's taking care of
that faster than you could.

Things were getting entirely too serious
for a moment. We needed to laugh.

I bet Lloyd got a kick out of it.

Lloyd got a great deal of enjoyment
at my expense when he was alive.

Ouiser, you know I love you
more than my luggage.

All right.

This is my bench!

Get off my bench!

Get off my… Good.

You are too twisted
for color TV, Clairee.

Have your roots done.

I shouldn't have
gone on the way I did.

I made everybody cry. Sorry.

Don't be silly.

Laughter through tears
is my favorite emotion.

Maybe I should have an
emotional outburst more often.

Maybe I should start
having them at home.

Drum would be so pleased.

I'm glad to see
the two of you made up.

Ouiser could never
stay mad at me.

She worships
the quicksand I walk on.

M'Lynn…
you're in my prayers, honey.

Yes, Annelle, I pray.

Well, I do. There, I said it.

I hope you're satisfied.

I suspected this all along.

Don't you expect me to come
to one of your churches,

those tent revivals with all those Bible
beaters doing God only knows what.

They'd probably make me
eat a live chicken.

Not on your first visit.

Very good, Annelle.

Spoken like a true smart ass.

Oh, what are you doing?

Are you eating my picture?

Let's play on the swing.

Get our feets in.

There we go.

Hold on.

Ahh.

Hold on.

Miss M'Lynn, I don't know if
this is the right time or place,

but I wanted to tell you
that Sammy and I have decided

that if this baby's a girl,

we'd like to name it Shelby,

since she was the reason
we met in the first place.

If you don't mind.

Shelby would love that.

I'm tickled pink.

Pink.

What are you going to name it
if it happens to be a boy?

Shelby, I guess.

That's how it should be.

Life goes on.

I've never been so uncomfortable
in all my life.

We'll talk about uncomfortable
when you're nine months pregnant, okay?

Keep those eyes closed, woman,
or I'm going to staple them shut.

They're closed. What is it?

Okay. Now?

Ready?

Yeah.

Keep them shut.

Okay. Open them up.

All right.

I don't believe it!

I'm a chain! Oh, Spud, oh!

Jesus.

Oh, lighten up.

Now, you just burst
through those bushes

and hop over
to where the kids are.

What bushes? I can't see shit.

Over there.

I'm an adult,
I'm not a five-year-old.

On your mark, get set, go!

Come on.

Okay, Jack, Jr.,
I'm going to tell you a story.

Once upon a time,

there was a beautiful
young gal named Shelby.

And Shelby had a lovely,

kind and wonderful good fairy
named Clairee.

But there was also a horrible, evil,

ugly witch named Ouiser.

I hate these stupid
neighborhood things.

No one's twisting your arm
to keep you here.

Well, I have to be sociable.

Hey, Rhett's here!

Let's connect the bald spots.

Drum?

Hmm?

Eat shit and die.

Hello, M'Lynn.

Ouiser. Owen.

Good to see you, too,
Ouiser, Owen.

Come on, Rhett. Kill! Kill!

Quit it, Drum!
Stop egging him on.

Arrr!

And everyone lived
happily ever after.

And the nasty,
wicked, evil, wretched,

horrible, mean Ouiser

was never heard from again.

Now, it's almost time
for the Easter Bunny.

Run on down, hmm?

Here!

Shh.

Ha ha ha!

Hi, Jack. You remember me?

It's your old pal Ouiser.

Aah! Jack!

This isn't like Jackson.

Jack, come here.

Oh, Jack.

Is he all right?

Oh, yes, he's all right.

Ohh.

Oh, Truvy!

Oh, honey. It's okay, it's okay.

Women have babies
every day. M'Lynn.

Jonathan, quick.

Get that Easter Bunny
over here now!

Hey, Tommy, where's Sammy?

Over there.

Why? What's going on?

What's… Oh, my God!

She's going to have a baby!

Go get a doctor.

A doc… Help!

This way! This way!

This way. Come on.

Through here.
Come on. Get her in.

It's all right, honey.
We'll get Sammy.

Easy, easy.

Bye-bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

Come on, Sammy!

Get your tail hopping!