Steel Magnolias (2012) - full transcript

In this contemporary re-imagining of the beloved classic film, Steel Magnolias chronicles the extraordinary friendship of six remarkable Southern Women, there for each other through life's triumphs and tragedies. Funny, wise and richly human, this immensely moving film features a brilliant all-star cast, including Queen Latifah, Phylicia Rashad, Adepero Oduyem, Condola Rashad, Jill Scott and Alfre Woodard. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
Come on, here we go.

There you go.

Cut the lights.

Who's out there?

Who's out there?

You should
marry a woman who
can give you a family.

I'm marrying
the woman I love.
That's who I'm marrying.

You want children,
don't lie.

I get it.
I understand everything
that you're saying,

everything that
you're telling me,

but it doesn't make
a difference to me.

It doesn't make
a difference to me.

I know we talked about it
before, but I am telling you
right now that it is a fact.

I saw the doctor
two days ago.

We can adopt
25 million babies.
It doesn't matter to me.

You say that now.

Don't be stupid now.

Now just stop the car.
I can walk from here.

Shelby, please.

You call it off now,
we have to give back
all the presents.

PlayStation Vita worth
getting married for,
isn't it?

Sleep on it, Jackson.

I love you.

I love you, too.
That's why.

Hey, I expect to see you
in the church tomorrow.

We'll both sleep on it.

You don't mean it.


Get back over to Aunt Laura's.
You know it's bad luck to see
me before the wedding.

So you are
gonna marry me?

Go before
my mama sees you!

Say it. Say you're
gonna marry me.

Okay, she's gonna
cut your thing off.

Say it.

I'm gonna marry you.

Two o'clock?

Do you want it in writing?

Two o'clock?
The Methodist Church.

But how will I
recognize you?

All those men in tuxedos
start to look alike.

I swear I'm gonna
make you happy.

We'll see.

Is this all you brought?

Where's Myrtle?
Is she here?

I'm Annelle,
about the job?

You want my wife.

Go on back.

Thank you.

I'm real sorry I
woke up your husband.

Don't apologize
for getting him
off the couch.

I've been trying
for weeks.

Poor man is trying
to set a record.

You married, Annelle?

Yes. No. Well, yes.
Only I'm here on my own.

On your own?

Well, don't you have
any family in town?

No, ma'am.

Well, where you staying?

Robeline's boarding house.

I didn't hear a car.

Did you walk
all that way?

Yes, ma'am.

Ruth Robeline,
now there's a story.

She's a twisted,
troubled soul.

Her life's been an
experiment in terror.

Husband run off
with her best friend,

only son
killed in Iraq.

I have to tell you,
when it comes
to suffering,

she's right up there
with the blessed savior.

I usually
get them a lot tighter.

I'm a little nervous.

You don't
want them too tight.

Your technique is good.

In my class
at the trade school,
I was number one.

There's a apron
hanging over there.

Why don't you
put it on?

That is, if you
want the job.

I do, very much!
Thank you so much!

I'll work real hard.

Count on that.

Now if you haven't
had your coffee,

grab a cup before
the bride gets here,

and be prepared to be
busier than a one-armed
paper hanger.

Now, listen, Annelle,

my ladies only get
the best.

I've never lost a client
to the Kut and Kurl
or the Beauty Box.

You know why?

Because your ladies
get only the best?

Because I have
a philosophy that I've
stuck with for 15 years.

There is no such thing
as natural beauty.

You think you can
remember that?

There's no such thing
as natural beauty.

Take one of these pills.
Ignorant man.

Just take one
of the pills.

One of the pills!

Come on, look at me,
look at me.
Take a pill, take a pill.

Thurman, Thurman,
get back here!

Yes, I need to
speak to Myrtle.

Well, then I'll hold.

Mama. Mama, this color
is drying way too dark.

It looks like a stuck pig
bled all over my hands.

Look up in my bathroom.
I'm sure I have
something pink.

It has to be delicate.

Okay, well, if I don't
have something,

we'll send one of
your brothers to the store.

a perfect idea, Mama.

I'd love to see what
Tommy would pick out.

Don't put ice
down my back!

You should've drowned
him at birth.

Shelby, get that
out of there.

Mama, my nails are wet.


Yes, Myrtle,
it's M'Lynn.

Listen, we're short
champagne glasses.

Drum, I'm on the phone!

A hundred to be safe.

I mean, there's two dozen
that came broken.
I swear, at least two dozen.

Thank you.

There's got to be a better way
to get rid of those birds.

Well, talk to 'em.
Ask 'em to please change
their migratory pattern.

I'm sure they'll
listen to reason.

You the one told
him to send those
birds packing.

Well, I didn't tell him
to alienate our
neighbors in the process.

Neighbors would
be a lot more alienated

if they get
covered in bird crap
at my reception.

Nice talk, bridezilla.

You think Truvy has
a delicate pink?

'Cause, I mean...

I'll call her.
I'll call her.

Morning, Clairee.

Morning, Truvy.

You found somebody
to replace Jasmine.

Just this morning.

She says she's married,
but she's in town all alone.

Got a room at
Ruth Robeline's.

I'd get to the bottom
of this if I were you,

assuming you want to
wake up tomorrow morning

still in possession
of your good silver.

I just love the idea of
someone with a past.

She can't be more than 19.
She hasn't had time to get
herself a past.

Child, it's the age
of Facebook.

If you can type,
you can achieve a past.

Annelle, come
meet Clairee Belcher,

first lady of Chinquapin.

Former first lady.

Her late husband
was our mayor.

Belcher Stadium's
named after him.

Our football team
voted Clairee all kinds
of special titles.

I have the pom-poms
to prove it.

Pleased to meet you.

Pleased to meet you, too.

Where you from,

Um, Zwolle.

Ooh, I'm sorry!
I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

You don't have to be
nervous around me, darling.

I bark, but Ouiser's
the biter.

Where the
sports section?



Mama. Ma...

What are you doing?
We are so late!

I can't find my keys.

Jonathan, look upstairs.
See if you can find them.

And that better
not be wedding food.

I'll go.

Where's your father?

His coffee kicked in.

Sitting right on top
of the dresser.

I cannot think what
Sigmund Freud would say.
I'm driving.

No, you know
I get carsick.

You get up here.
Don't trip me, Thurman.

Miss Ouiser.
Back door!

Back door!

Come on.
Let's see.

Drum! M'Lynn! Open up.
I know y'all in there.

I think somebody's
at the door!

Yeah, I think
it's for daddy!

That's funny.


You look like
hammered doodoo.

Don't talk to me
like that.

Okay, okay.
I'm sorry.

You look like
regular doodoo.

I have a bone
to pick with you.

Pick it!

My vet says that
all this noise you've been
making off in here

the last few days
has given Thurman
a nervous condition

and made his
hair fall out.

I had to put him
on sedatives!

Your vet is a moron.

I'm not even sure he
has opposable thumbs.

So if you will excuse me,
I have yard work to do.

Drum, get back here!

Hey, Miss Ouiser.
Leave me alone.

Hey! I'm talking to you.

Get back here!

I'll be damned, Drum.
I don't know whether
I'm going or coming.

Yeah, I heard you
got so screwed up,

you cut your dog
out of your will

and had an
ungrateful nephew
put to sleep.

Listen to me.

I am at the end
of my rope here.

Then tie a noose in it
and slip it over your head.


Ouiser, I don't want
to have to kill you.

Boys, bring me my gun.

Do not threaten me, buster.
I will call the police.

I have a zillion, trillion
blackbirds to scare away
before Shelby's reception.

If I don't, I got
my wife to deal with,

and I make it a point
never to deal with my wife.

My dog, my baby dog,
is on his last legs.

What am I supposed
to do with the poor thing?

Make him a weave,
serve him up on toast.

It's all the same to me.

You coming to
Shelby's reception
looking like that?

You going
straight to hell.

Maybe you should
scare off the birds and
save me the trouble.

Thomas Drummond Eatenton,
did you get these magnolias
off my tree?

The judge hasn't decided
who exactly owns that tree.

I don't need a judge
to tell me what's mine.

Shut up,

Now where is the other
thing you were talking about,
cuppa, cuppa, cuppa?

No, this one's
kind of mauve,
don't you think?

Cup of flour, cup of sugar,
cup of fruit cocktail

with the juice,
mix, bake at 350 till
gold and bubbly.

What are your
colors, honey?

It's blush
and bashful.

Sounds awfully rich.

Her colors are
pink and pink.

I just
serve it over ice cream
to cut the sweetness.

My colors are
blush and bashful.

They are two
different shades of pink.

One is much deeper
than the other one,

even if some people
cannot see it.

This is so exciting!

I feel like I'm present
at the creation.

There's something so
wondrous about
a way a bride looks.

Ooh, wait till you
see the church!

All the walls are banked
with sprays of flowers

in the two different
shades of blush and bashful.

And there's a pink carpet
laid out especially
for the service.

Ooh, ooh, and pink
silk bunting draped over
anything that'll stand still.

The sanctuary looks like
it's been hosed down in

I like pink. Pink is
my signature color.

I think Annelle can
roll you up.

Are you sure?
It's such a special day.

I'm sure you'll do
a beautiful job.

It don't matter what
I look like anyway.

Doesn't your dress have
to go over your head?

Girl, you cannot
screw up her style.

Just as long as you
give her that long
"flow to the floor" look,

then you've got
nothing to worry about.

She's always worn it
the same way.

Didn't we decide you were
gonna wear your hair up?

We decided
to have braids.

Well, up is better
with the veil.

Yes, but Jackson likes
my hair down because
he says it looks sexy.

He sounds
real romantic.

Well, he does give me
flowers and presents,
if I beg him enough.

Aww. The last romantic
thing Spud did

was enclose this
carport so I could help
with the mortgage.

corresponding toed to
the number of years that
ewe've been married.

That's a real sweet idea.

It was mine, but I didn't
charge him for it.

Jackson's a good
catch, Shelby.

Yeah, I thought he
was a pest at first,

but somehow,
he just grew on me.

And now I can't imagine
my life without him.

That's how it was with
me and Lloyd.

We missed it to 40 years
by three months,
the stinker.

Bless his heart,
he tried.

Well, at least
he hung on through
the state playoffs.


Just to grow old together
and sit on the back porch,

shouting at a bunch of
misbehaving grandkids,

that's my dream.

It's good to see
a pretty girl at
the starting gate

just as I'm crossing
the finish line.

There are still good times
ahead, Miss Clairee!

The season's coming.

I do love football.

I don't know if I can
parlay LSU into
a raison d'etre.

One good thing
about marrying
a lawyer

is you'll never
have to work.

Lawyers do well whether
they want to or not.

I'm not just going
to quit nursing
just because I can.

I'm sure Jackson
don't want to see you
on your feet all day.

I'm just so anxious
to discuss this topic for
the 900th time this week.

It's not just me.
Your father agrees.

Miss Truvy, would you
mind turning up the music?

It just takes the
pressure off having
to talk so much.

Seen my gun?

Come on,
get off your butt
and help me find it.

Full body search!

Get off of me!

What's wrong with you?
Whoa! Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Save it for
the battlefield, son.

Look what we need
is a weapon of
mass destruction.

I said I was tired,
and Jackson swore

he was taking me
straight home.

Girl, please,
tell the truth.

We drove down to the lake.

Nothing like moonlight
on that water.

And I dared him
to go skinny-dipping.

We did things that
frightened the fish.

That's all
I'm gonna say.
Shelby, please.

That's all I'm saying!

It's been a long time
since we had a
youngster in the place.

We just talked
and talked and talked.

I love those kind
of talks in the arms
of the man you love.

Yeah. Well, then we
got into a big fight,

and I told him
the wedding was off.

You told him what?

Why would you do
a thing like that?

No, we worked it out.

Now, that was not a nice
thing to do to your mama.

You should never
say things like that
to a woman

who's marinating
50 pounds of crab claws.

I don't know if I
mind a fight.

Making up can
be extremely romantic
if memory serves.

You and Spud aren't
fighting anymore?

He'd have to get up
off the couch first.

I tell him he's not the
only one who can't find
work these days.

But how does that help?

He just sits there,
sleeping with his eyes open,

staring at the TV.

He should talk to
somebody, Truvy.

Spud, see a shrink?

Come on, honey.
Shelby, just hold
your head up.

Stop it.



I'll get some juice.

Truvy, I got some
candy in my purse.

Shelby, hold on, baby.

I got some peppermint
right here.

All right, here.
Here's peppermint.

Shelby, hang on, honey.

Clairee's getting you
some juice.

Should I get her
a cookie?

No, no, no, juice is better.
Here's the juice.

Stop it, Mama!

Drink the juice.

Drink the juice, baby.


Stop it, Mama,
I got candy in my purse.

You didn't bring your
purse today, honey.

- No, no!
- Come on.

All this damn
wedding nonsense
and running around.

I'm gonna leave if you
don't leave me alone.

I'd like to see you try.

Shelby, cooperate, please.

Just drink
the juice, baby.

Come on.

That's it.

There we go.

That's a start.

Excuse me, should I
call a doctor or something?

She's diabetic.

That one hit her quick.

Yeah, she definitely
got too much insulin,
that's all.

Father God.

That Dr. Michoud
like to broke
her heart Tuesday.

With her chronic kidney
condition, having babies
is out of the question.

She dreaded
telling Jackson.

Don't you talk about me
like I'm not here.

Yeah, yeah, she's
making sense now.

See, it's not so bad.

You just need a
little bit more juice.

- Can I do something?
- Should I...

No, no, no.
No, she'll be fine
in just a minute.

She probably won't
remember anything.

Don't make a fuss.
Shelby hates a fuss.
Come on, baby.

I'm so sorry about the
doctor's visit, M'Lynn.

She kept asking,
"What is Jackson
gonna say?"

He said, "Shelby,
don't be stupid.

"There's plenty of kids
who need good homes.

"We'll adopt 10 of them.

"We'll buy them
if we have to."

That Jackson sounds like
good people to me.

If he's dumb enough
to marry me, I guess
I should grab him.


I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Mama.

Just finish your juice.

There we go.

This is it.

I have found it.
I'm in hell.

Thurman, be quiet!

I couldn't leave him
at home.
He'd tear that place up.

Morning, Ouiser.

Don't try to get
on my good side.

I no longer have one.

This is the biter
I told you about.


I used to think
you were crazy
for marrying that man.

Then, for a while,
I thought,

she a glutton
for punishment.

Now I realize

you are on
a mission from God.

Your man threatened
to put a bullet
through my head.

He is shooting blanks,
Miss Ouiser.

Drum would never
aim a gun at a lady.

He a real gentleman.

I bet you he takes
the dishes out the sink
before he pees in it.

Who the hell are you?

That's it?

Like Beyonce?
Annelle Dupuy.

She graduated
top of her class.

I'm real lucky
to have her.

I know everybody,
and I am sure I
don't know any Dupuys.

That your family name,
or are you married?

I don't know.

I mean, I'm not sure.

These are not
difficult questions.

The police say
that my marriage
may not be legal.

The police?

Well, what does your
husband say?

Nothing, since he
disappeared last week.


Hell, you better
drag the river.

What you mean
he disappeared?
Where'd he go?

All the money's gone
and the car and
my gold earrings,

the ones that belonged
to my grandma.

He's in big trouble
with the law.

Well, I should think so.

Well, what did he do?

Drugs is
what the police said.

All my clothes were
in the trunk of that car.

Checks are
bouncing everywhere.

It can't get much worse.

Yes, it can.
Just you wait.

Men are the most
horrible creatures.

They'll ruin your life.

Honey, you should've
said something.

Am I fired?

No, you're not fired.
Is she, Truvy?

Of course not.

I was afraid I wouldn't
get hired if you knew,
and I need a job so bad.

I swear that
my personal tragedy

will not interfere
with my ability to
do good hair.

It better not.

There's no doubt
in my mind.

You've been through
such a terrible time,
and you're so brave.

What's your
dress size, Annelle?

You know, I bet you
I've got some clothes
that'll fit you just fine.

I want you to come to
my wedding reception.

I don't know.

Yes. Now, look, I can't
stand the thought of
anybody being unhappy

or alone today,
so, you know,

if you feel yourself
getting sad, just
watch my husband dance.

You'll get the giggles.
I know I do.

It's gonna be
a great party.

Okay, let 'er rip.

Bye-bye, blackbird.

What the hell?

My Lord,
that's your place.

Lord, I hope
nobody got hurt.

Miss Ouiser,
call him, please.

He's gonna
eat daddy alive.

Come on, Ouiser,
call your dog. You know
he'll listen to you.

Miss Ouiser, please,
it is my wedding day.

Please just say
something to your dog.

Thurman, kill!

Kill, Thurman!

I hope
the rain holds off.

This is perfect
weather for me.

On cloudy days,
I feel God's not
trying very hard,

so I don't have
to either.

I don't function
when it's hot.

She does sweat profusely.

Thank you, Mama.

Heat never bothers me.
I love it.

But spicy food
makes me sweat,

especially on top
of my head.


You were right.
I should've worn
my hair up.

No, it's perfect.



There we go. Okay.


It's time.


Too many firecrackers.
Not good for hearing.

It's time.

Go ahead now.

All right.

There you go.


Am I talking
too loud?

No, Daddy,
you're just fine.

Who gives
this woman in marriage?

Her mother and I do.

The rings, please.

Thank you.

What can I get you?

No, thanks.

It's free.

Um, I don't know.

Come on,
what will it be?

Can you make
a cherry Coke?


I miss Lloyd.

You miss being
the mayor's wife.

No, we had
good times together.

It's no fun going
out by myself.

Then stay at home.

If I go out with
another couple,
I'm a third wheel.

If I go out with you,
we just a couple
of old biddies.

Speak for yourself.

Please eat some of
the groom's cake.

Nobody's eating it.

Jackson's aunt made
the cake in the shape of
a giant armadillo.

I can't even think how
she made gray icing.

Come on, please.

Hell, come on.

Wanna dance?


You go ahead.

Are we
supposed to eat this?

Hey, Ouiser.

I'm not talking to you.
And I mean it.


Come on, Ouiser.
Cut me a slice.

Nothing like
a good piece of ass.

Having fun?

Belle might need
a neck brace.

That's a lot of hair
up on top of her head.


I'm surprised at you,
talking about your
kin like that.

You know what they say.

If you can't say something
nice about somebody,
come stand next to me.

The mayor's wife and
she doesn't even bother
to put on Spanx.

Looks like two pigs
fighting under a blanket.

I haven't left the house
without Lycra on these thighs
since I was 14.

That's 'cause you
were raised right.

Hey. You're not
leaving, are you?

I just moved here.
I don't really
know anybody.

A party's how
you meet people.


Nice to meet you...


Two Ns, two Ls, with an E.

Well, if you stick around
a little longer,

I can give you a ride,
Annelle with an E.

That's okay.
I like to walk.

You sure?
It's no problem.

It was nice
meeting you.

Your brothers are
going to miss you.

I will not miss them.


That little Annelle
looked sweet
in your dress.

Tell her
she can keep it.

And give her anything else
I left in my closet.

I hope she had
a good time.

We don't know
how lucky we all are.

I know how
lucky I am.

Let Jackson
take care of you.

I'm gonna make him
wait on me hand and foot.

I mean it.

There's no shame
in adopting.

I'd rather not talk
about it, Mama.

What happens in
my life now is between
Jackson and me.

We'll take care
of each other.

But you heard
what I said.

I'm not stupid.

Well, if you was smart,
you'd quit work.

Promise you won't
bring that up every time
you call me.

I ain't gonna call.

Not gonna be one
of those mothers.

Check your email
every day.

Don't you dare cry.

I'm not.

I'ma strangle
the both of y'all.

Take care of my baby,
all right?




Do you wanna give me
a heart attack?

It's too early.
Come back to bed.

You want your
breakfast in bed?

Can I see the menu?

Wait, wait.
Where you going?

I'm hungry.

You're always hungry.
You're gonna get fat.

You bet I am.
It's more of me
to love.

There's plenty right
there right now.

Come on, get up.
We're only visiting
mama for a few days.

You just gonna leave?

You do this every year.

You do know
the whole point of
a tree-trimming party

is for the guests
to do the trimming?

And have it
end up lopsided?

We have grapefruit, right?

Shelby, fill this
up for me, baby,
would you?

Where's daddy?

He went for his walk.

How long you
think he'll be?

I don't know.

Sometimes he likes to
stop for coffee
at the firehouse.

What's wrong?

We heard back
from another agency.

Soon as they get a peek
at my medical records,

I'm "not optimal."

You know, Shelby,
if it's a question
of money...

We decided
not to adopt.

We don't have to.

I'm two months pregnant.

I wanted to tell
you and daddy at
the same time,

but I can't seem
to get the two of you
alone together, so...

Mama, say something.

I'm gonna have a baby.

Yes, I heard you.

Is that? Is that
all you're gonna say?

How about

Look, you have
to help me plan.

We're gonna
get a new house.

Jackson and I are
going house-hunting
next week.

You know Jackson
loves to hunt, so...

Does Jackson
ever listen?

I mean, when you
get advice from doctors
and specialists...

I know you don't
like to listen,
but does he?

I guess since he ain't
carrying the baby,
he's not so concerned.

Shh! Mama,
he gonna hear you.

Nobody hears me.

Diabetics have healthy
babies all the time.

Not with chronic
kidney disease.

I found a doctor in Monroe
who specializes
in high-risk birth.

And he already
sent me to a dietician
and an eye doctor.

And, look,
I got the best baby
nurse in the world...


I'm back on tight control.
I... I'm...

You already had
twice as many
glucose reactions...

Mama, I'm checking my
levels 10 times a day.

There's limits to
what you can do.

Jackson's so excited.

He says he doesn't
care whether it's
a boy or a girl,

but I'm guessing,
deep down,
he wants a boy.

Jackson Junior.

I need a child
of my own.

I see.

Wish you
could be happy.

Your poor body
has been through
so much.

Does he know
what he's asking?

He didn't ask.
It was my decision.

I don't believe that
for a minute.

You want to be the
only one to tell me what
I can and can't do.

You just ready to
spit nails because you
don't call the shots.

You know what?
It's just like the tree.

Nobody can trim it
but you.

Nobody says what
goes where but you.

You no longer have any
say-so in my life, Mama,

and you know it,
and you can't stand it.

I didn't raise my
daughter to talk
to me that way.



No, I don't want
the doctor on call.

I want to speak
to Dr. Miller.

It's important.
It's about my daughter.

Thank you.

Let it be, M'Lynn.

She told you.

I want her
to see Dr. Miller
before she goes.

She's got
her doctor in Monroe.
She's going to be fine.

You don't know that.

Who said she couldn't
get a driver's license?

I don't want
to play this game.

Who said?

I did.

Not one accident.
Who said she couldn't go
camping with the scouts?

You never want
to be the bad guy.

And you're always looking
for the worst to happen.

Only so it won't.

I could kill
Jackson right now.

It's my experience
that Eatenton women
got veto power.


You think you're too young
to be grandma, is that it?

Shut up, Drum.

We won't let that kid
call you grandma.

We gonna come up
with some cute name
like "mee-mee."

Mee-mee, moo-moo.

All right,
all right. Stop it.

You made that
all by yourself?

Yes. The Baptist bookstore
in Shreveport had
a fire sale last month.

They had mismatched
manger scenes at
incredibly low prices.

I cleaned them out
of their baby Jesuses,

and Sammy helped me
with the tiny lights.

Baby Jesus and hair beads,
that is positively

Hi, M'Lynn.
Hey, y'all.
How y'all doing?

Look, I just need
my usual real quick.

I got a lot more cooking
to do for tonight.

Ouiser, you're still
gonna bring by your
shrimp meat pies, right?

I certainly am.
All right.

Hey, Clairee.

I saw your niece,
Sally Beth, won
Miss Merry Christmas again,

and next year,
I'm betting.

She's gonna
wear that tiara
till her grave.

She made me put
so much hairspray on her,

she's gonna have to
dynamite it off her head.

That Sally Beth
is a pretty girl.

Beauty's genetic
in my family.

Empty is the head
that wears the crown.

I entered
the Miss Dairy Queen
my senior year.

Miss Clairee, who won
the title your year?

Child, please, there was
no Christmas festival
when I was in high school.

Jesus wasn't even born
till I was
a junior in college.

You've got to admit,
God did a little dance
around that brother of yours.

Drew is so successful.

That little
Miss Merry Christmas
and Marshall are perfect.

That Belle doesn't have
a care in the world.

I'm not so sure
about that.

Yep, yeah, every family
has its issues.

But Belle and I want
to expose ourselves
to a little bit more culture

that's not easy to come by
in this neck of the woods,

so we're thinking about
a theater trip to New York...

...and, Ouiser,
you should come.

I'm not exposing
myself to anything.

Why not?
It would benefit you
to broaden your horizons.

You broaden
your horizons your way,
I'll broaden mine my way.

I'm gonna get
my colors done.
Your what?

See, every person has
a particular coloring,
summer, spring, so on.

You determine
what season you are,

and then you know what
colors look best on you.

It's most helpful
when you go shopping.

It gives you
fashion courage,
like Miss Michelle Obama.

You wear purple
with everything.

I don't know
how much more
courage you need.

I am going to go
support the arts.

I support the arts.
I just don't
want to see 'em.

It's not going to
change the shape
of your top lip, Ouiser.

Let's get one thing straight,
I do not go to plays,

because I can nap
at home for free.

I don't see movies,
because they all trash
and full of naked people.

And I don't read books,
because if they're any good,

they're gonna be made
into a miniseries.

All right, Miss Ouiser,
why don't you support this?

Truvy, I'm so sorry.

There's pennies
on the counter.

Just stick one
in the fuse box.

There's an overload
of goodness.

No, Shelby
had to do a littlet
last-minute shopping.

You know Shelby
does what she wants
when she wants.

and that Jackson look
so happy together.

You can't help but smile
at two people in love.

Smile? They need
to get a room.

She just wants
to spread it around,
Ouiser, that's all.

Like manure.

Isn't it something?

Yeah, it's something.

Excuse me just a second.


Rolly Bassett
got the contract.

His bid was
$6,000 under mine.


He owns
his own equipment.
I don't.

We don't have to go
to M'Lynn's tonight.

I got some fried shrimp.
We could have
a picnic on the dock.

Watch the fireworks?

No, you go ahead
to M'Lynn's.
I'm happy right here.

You always love
the fireworks.

I've seen them, Truvy.
Go ahead.

Get off my back, Truvy.


Hi, Shelby.

How are you?

Hey, what's up?
Merry Christmas.
You look beautiful.

M'Lynn just threw me
out of the kitchen.

She said she didn't
need my help.

Does she seem
kind of touchy to you?

'Tis the season.
Show some Christmas spirit.

I got so much
Christmas spirit,
I could spit tinsel.

Hell, I decorated my yard.

"Keep off the grass" signs
are not Christmas
decorations, Ouiser.

They're bordered in holly.

We'll be right back.

After the marriage
was annulled,
I was a real Jezebel,

drinking, smoking,
staying out all hours.

And now she a regular
church lady.

She got a steady beau,
praise the Lord.

I did Miss Ouiser's wig.
You like it?

Yeah, I do,
and so will
my surprise guest.

I've invited somebody
who remembers you fondly.

Must be someone
with dementia.

An old beau?

I do not play
games, little girl.

Remember Owen Jenkins?

Blast from the past!
Where'd you find him?


But he's moving back here,
and he's widowed.

I can't say that
I do recall any Jerkins.

Jenkins. She's lying.

Miss Shelby, I managed,
in just a few decades,

to marry the two
most worthless men
in the universe,

then proceeded to have
three of the most ungrateful
children ever conceived.

The only reason
people are nice to me

is because I got
more money than God.

I am not about to open up
a new can of worms.

Now, you know
that negative attitude
M'Lynn told you about.

You need to talk to someone
at the guidance center.

I'm not crazy.

I've just been
in a very bad mood
for 40 years.

Hello, Louisa.

You recognize me?

Hello, Owen.

Did you shrink?

You look terrific.
You've hardly
changed at all.

Well, I'm not as sweet
as I used to be.

Daddy's waiting on you
for the Christmas toast.

All right,
I'll be right down.

I'm sorry about
this morning. I...

I didn't mean...

I know you
want me to be happy.

It's what you always said,
to me, to Jonathan,
to Tommy. You said...

You said, "Just be happy.
That's all I want for my
kids." Isn't that right?

What makes me happy
is having this baby.

Yes, I know.

I just wish you
could be happy.

I wish...

I don't know
what I wish.

As long as we're alive,
there's risk
for every one of us.

Things happen.

And you get through,
and life goes on.

I mean, you're
the one, you...

You convinced me
I could do anything
I set my heart on.

I set my heart
on this, Mama.

I want it.

I would rather have
30 minutes of
something wonderful

than a lifetime of
nothing special.

Excuse me.


If I could just
take a moment...

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Peace on earth
and good, tall women!

Really, Drum?

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
There's more, there's more.

Today, my daughter
told me a big secret.

Shelby, come up here.

"Secret" being
the operative word.

Shh, shh, shh!

I ain't gonna tell
them you pregnant.

I'm just gonna say,
I'm gonna be a grandpa!

My God.

To Jackson and Shelby.

To Jackson and Shelby.

No wonder you're acting
so funny all day.

I'd bust if I'd had to
keep a secret like that.


Thanks, Clairee.

And the doctors said
she couldn't have children.
Now, what do they know?

The doctor said
she shouldn't
have children.

It's a big difference.

This baby's not exactly
great news, is it?

You okay?

she'll be fine.

It's what she wants.

I wish I had
the right words for you.

Truvy's dry.
Now there's a first.

I suggest we focus
on the joy
of the situation.

I agree.

Your first grandchild.

How about that?

Well, people with
diabetes have healthy
babies all the time.

This is one of
those times.

I can feel it
in my bones.

I'd put my money
on those bones.

I'm in.

That which
does not kill us
makes us stronger.


Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, I'm here.


Okay, just breathe,
breathe. Breathe.-

You're doing
great, baby.

You're doing great.

I know,
I'm good, I'm good.

Yeah, give me
that baby.

Come here.



Make a wish.

Wait, wait, wait
for his mama to get...
Here you go. Okay.

Come on, buddy.
It's like a duck whistle,

Make a wish, baby,
come on.

Like this.

You are
scaring the baby!

Hey... Hey, now.

I want to cut my hair.


Now. You think Truvy
could fit me in?


Anybody knock
on my door after dark,

and I'd have been
screaming, calling 911.

At my age,
a knock after dark
is a dream come true.

When I saw my nephew's face,
it was a major letdown.

I think it's awful
of Drew to throw his son
out of the house.

My brother
can be a hothead.

And you know Marshall,
he marches in from
New York, unexpected,

without so much as a hello.

"Mama, Daddy, they found
a tumor in my brain.
I have six weeks to live."

Naturally, they
were hysterical.

And then he says,
"Calm down,
I'm just joking.

"The real news is,
I'm gay."

But that's
a relief, isn't it?

It apparently was not.

Drew got to carrying on,
throwing wet shrimp.

I adore Marshall.

We stayed up
half the night talking.


I did what you wanted,
didn't I?

Yes, you know,
you did a beautiful job.
It's just...


Come here, baby.

It's perfect.

It's gonna look
so cute when it's wet.
It's gonna curl right up.

Don't your mama
look pretty?
Look at your mama.

his little heart.

honey, don't cry.

If you cry,
I will, too.

No one cries alone
in my presence.
It's company policy.

It's adorable.

Your hair hasn't
been cut that short
since kindergarten.

It's very becoming.

It's chic.
I may cut
mine like that.

It frames your face per...
Okay, okay, okay,
okay, I get it.

I'm a convert, okay.

I'm gonna cut it
every 25 years.

Mama, would you
put him down
for his nap for me?

Yeah. Look,
he's tired.

Tired, baby?

Now, if you have time,
I would love a manicure
and a pedicure,

and mama's gonna
have one, too.

I don't need one.
Yes, you do.

Well, maybe I'll add a sauna
and call this place a spa.



Annelle, could you
please fill the tub
for a pedicure?


- Was she praying?
- Yes.

Got me.

Maybe she was praying
for Drew and Marshall.

Maybe she was praying for us
because we're gossiping.

Maybe she was praying
'cause her panties
are too tight.

Who knows?

But she prays
at the drop of a hat.

She's born again
and saved.

- Since when?
- Since Mardi Gras.

She had a choice of going
for a Bible weekend with
her Sunday school class,

or going to New Orleans with
me and two other sinners.-

She left that Friday
a pleasant,
well-adjusted young lady.

She came back on Tuesday
a vessel of the Lord.

Well, what's her boyfriend
got to say about it?

Poor Sammy.

He's so confused,
he don't know whether

to scratch his watch
or wind his butt.

He's crazy about her.
He says he can
compete with a suitor,

but how's he gonna
fight off the Father,
Son, and the Holy Ghost?

So is Marshall gonna
stay with you now?

Yeah, until he goes
back to New York.

He's lonely, is my guess.
He needs to get out
and meet someone.

I asked him, "When you
meet a guy, how can you
tell that he's... You know?"

He says, "All gay men
have accent lighting."


"And all gay men
are named Mark,
Rick, or Steve."

That boy likes
to pull my leg.
Accent lighting!

Good morning.
Hi, Miss Ouiser.

What's so funny?

Clairee over here
telling us about
accent lighting.

I love mine.
It highlights
my new artwork.

Since when do you
have accent lighting?

About three weeks.
It's all in the foyer
and up the stairs.

It was my grandson's idea.

Which grandson?

Whoo! You look
right chipper
this morning, Ouiser.

What, you run over
a small child
or something?

This is a gracious plenty.
You don't have to
give me all of them.

You know, I try
not to eat healthy food
if I can help it.

The sooner
this body wears out,
the better off I'll be.

I can't get enough
grease into my diet.

Then why grow them?

Because I'm an old
Southern lady,

and we're supposed to
put on funny-looking hats

and grow vegetables
in the dirt.

I don't make
the rules, Annelle.

And speaking
of the rules,

someone has put me on
the mailing list at the
Riverview Baptist Church,

and now I'm getting
chain letters from Christ.

They're not chain letters.

They're part of
my prayer group's
"reach out and touch" project.

Well, I think it is
very bad taste to pray
for perfect strangers.

Shelby, what have you
done to yourself?

It doesn't even hurt.

have you seen this?
Yes, I have.

The doctor is just trying
to strengthen my veins.
They're in terrible shape.

You look like you've been
driving nails in your arms.

What's going on?

Shall we tell them, Mama?

I guess so.
No point in keeping
it a secret.

Shelby has been driving
nails in her arms.

It's my dialysis.

And it's no big thing.

Well, don't look at me
like that.

Look, having Jack Jr.
just put a strain
on my kidneys,

and now they're not
functioning properly.
That's all. It happens.

That's all?
"That's all," she says.

Do you do this
dialysis forever?

Well, I suppose I could,
but it's not real convenient,
you know,

running back and forth,
and trying to keep up
with Jack Jr. and all, so,

nah, I'll just, you know,
I'm just gonna have
a kidney transplant

and I'll be just fine.

But is it that easy?
It's real easy.

They do them all the time
in Shreveport, about three,
four times a week.

Yeah, she's right.

I mean, my Sunday school
class was praying for one
just the other day.

Well, don't you have to be
on a list or something?

Like, don't they have
to find a kidney?

They always
find one, Ouiser.

Medical teams, they fly
all over the country
in helicopters,

bringing people livers
and hearts and kidneys
and such.

And the most
impressive thing,

is they carry those organs
in their beer coolers.


I saw it on the news.

Those doctors,
they take out
those six packs,

and they throw in some
dry ice and a heart,
and off they go.

Well, do you know
how long you have
to wait?

Is there something
that we can do?

Can we get your
name on top of a list
or something?

Well, you see, I'm real lucky,
because I don't have to wait
but for one more day.

Mama is gonna give me
one of hers.

We check in on Sunday.
Surgery's first thing
Monday morning.

- M'Lynn.
- What?

The whole family got tested.
I'm just glad
I was the best match.

Drum's kidney might
as well be a distillery,

and the boys
are just too young.

Best thing about it is,
I'm gonna come up out of there
with a smaller waistline.

They've got to
remove two ribs to
get at my kidney.

Well, the supermodels
do it all the time.

First thing
Monday morning,

and y'all haven't
mentioned it.

Well, my part's easy.
Mama's the one
having major surgery.

M'Lynn, you are brave.

How's Drum
taking all this?

You know Drum
gets emotional at
the slightest thing.

Well, we'll make sure
he has enough food,
and Ouiser'll keep him calm.

Count on me.

And when you wake up,
I'll be sitting right
by your side.

Yours, too, Shelby.

Annelle, do you
think that I could
please have my hair?

You see,
I just had it
my whole life.

Just seems kind of wrong
to throw it out.
Is that weird?

I'll get a bag.

You've had your kidney
your whole life.

You gonna
bring that home
in a bag, too?

Well, you know, now that you
just gave me that idea,
I just might.


This is no laughing matter.

I'm guessing
there's been
enough tears.

I shouldn't have said that.

Yeah, that was disgusting.
Bringing home a kidney
in a bag.

Before that, when I said
that I'd be better off
when my body wears out.

I feel so ashamed
I said that in
front of Shelby.

You know
I didn't mean that.

Ouiser, nobody pays
attention to you.

Well, I feel bad.
I'm a terrible person.

Ouiser! You'd give your
damn dog a kidney
if he needed one.

Hell. Was there
a sale on beans?

This is supposed
to be a gesture.

We're not feeding him
till the end of time.

Drum loves pork and beans.
Now, he eats it
with everything.

Well, that explains a lot.

Come on, Ouiser.
Let's sort this stuff out
and get over to M'Lynn's.

That ain't funny.

Okay, okay, okay, okay,
look, look,
no more transplant jokes.

Daddy doesn't like it.

Okay, okay.
Um, mom, do you have any.
Um, internal organs?

Okay, I gotta put
the little one to bed.

Aw, come on. So much
for our card game.
What now?

Hey, come here.

Pick something old.
Black and white.

Nothing dirty.

Night, Daddy.

Love you.
You'll like
this one, Dad.

Classic black and white,
no nudity.

A Tale Of Two Kidneys.

Come here!

I'm picking the movie.

Nah, let ma pick.
It's her night.

I don't care,
long as there
ain't no zombies in it.

Who want a sandwich?

Tuna with cheese!

With everything.
Thank you, Mom.

Thank you.

M'Lynn, can I help
with something?

No, I got this.

You can help Shelby
with the baby.

What you're doing
for Shelby, for us,

it's just...

I'm so grateful.

Shelby's my daughter.

I wish it was me
going in with her

A man can't help
his blood type.

I didn't ask Shelby
to have a baby.


I believe you.

I just wanted her
to be happy.

You want to blame me
for something,
blame me for that.

I should've said no.
I should've been a man
and said no.

And if you had,
where would Jack Jr. be?

Don't go wishing
that boy away.

No, ma'am.

I just...
I just can't lose her.

Mayo or mustard?


Thank you.


Thank you.

You coming to
this church?

Well, God hears us
wherever we are.

I wanted to be here
for M'Lynn and Shelby.


What brings you here?

Shut up.

Anything new
in your life?

I can report
that the Sherwood Florist
delivery truck stops

by her house
at least twice a week.

I like fresh flowers.

And I can report

that a strange car is
parked in her garage
at least once a week.

There, my secret's out.
I'm having an affair
with a Mercedes-Benz.

We are in the house
of the Lord.

Tell them.

Before we begin,

please join me in prayer
for our sister M'Lynn
and her daughter Shelby,

who'll be undergoing
surgery tomorrow
at St. Vincent's.

Dear Lord of mercy,
we turn to you
in times of need.

Please send
a healing word today to
our good friends

and restore them
to full health.


Ooh. Ouiser, forgive me.

I've been dying
to ask you this.

Are you and Owen,
you know?

Wait, I'm trying to get
the mental picture.

Oof, now it won't
go away.

A dirty mind's a terrible
thing to waste, Clairee.

And, not that
it's anybody's business,
but no, we are friends.

He would like more.

I'm dealing with that.
Yeah, I'm old.
I'm set in my ways.

You are playing
hard to get!

At her age,
she ought to be playing
"beat the clock."

I think I gotta go again.

They weren't lying
when they said these

things would
make our kidneys go
90 miles an hour.

Mama, Mama, wait.

Mama, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
What are we doing?

I can't let you do this.
There has to be
some other way.

I can't do
this to you.

Hush now.
Come on, stop it.


Shelby, you're looking
at this all wrong.

Most mothers only get
a chance to give
their child life once.

You're giving me
the opportunity
to do it twice.

I mean, I'm grateful
I don't have to just
stand by helpless.

I can do this for you.

It's a blessing.

Grateful for all of this?

You're a mother.

Now, suppose Jack Jr.
needed a kidney.

I'd take it out myself.

That's no big deal.
I got two of them.
I don't need but one.

No diet caffeine-free?

I'm sorry.

Good Lord, Clairee.
At your age,
why do you even care?

Looks good.


Looks real,
real good.


I told you, man.

My God, Miss Clairee,
thank you so much!
I love it!

He could drive
that down the street himself.

Here's the next one.
Ooh, sin.


It's not signed.

Wait a minute,
let me see this.

Please, I'd know
this penmanship anywhere.

Ouiser, you have
the handwriting
of a serial killer.

Miss Ouiser!

Girl, I thought Sammy
wouldn't mind you reading
the Bible in bed

if you was wearing
something inspirational.


Hang on, I promised Shelby
I would get her on the phone
for the surprise.

She really wanted to be here,
but she couldn't change
her shift.

Back at work?

Part-time since the first.

Hey, baby, can you talk?
Hold on, hold on.

Hi, Shelby!

were you surprised?

I almost fainted.

I never expected
a baby shower.

I wish I could've seen it.
I have to go,
but congratulations.

All right, I'll see you
at Thanksgiving.

All right, hold on
for your mom.

Ooh, she was so surprised.

Hey, baby. Okay. All right,
now kiss Jack Jr. for me.
I love you.

Okay, love you, Mama.
I gotta go.

Better keep a close eye
on Baby Berlin here.

She had a hard delivery.

Just gonna take my...

You off?

Jack Jr. has been
waiting all day

for this.

That is
killer cute!
I know.

I'm teaching him how to say
"trick or treat."
Or something close to it.


Sounds like
Spud's home.

Guess so.

Why don't you go on in?
We can finish this up.

No, thanks.


When you work
a seven-day stretch
on a offshore oil rig,

seems like the only thing
you want to do
on your day off is sleep.

It's such a hard life.

It's killing him.

But it's work,
and he needs it.

But I think I will go
say hi before he turns
into Rip Van Winkle.



Hey, hey.

Shelby! Shelby! Shel!

Hello. 911,
I have an emergency
at 70 Lake Shore Drive.

70 Lake Shore Drive!

Come on, Shelby.
Wake up.
Wake up, baby.

Come on, Shelby.
Wake up, honey.

Shelby, come on,
baby, wake up.

Wake up for mama.
Come on now.

Jackson is here,
your daddy's here,
your brothers are here.

Come on now,
Jackson really misses you.
Wake up, sweetie.

I bet
that feels better?

I hooked my baby up.

There we go.

Ma, it might do you
some good to
get out for a little while.

What if she wakes up
for two minutes
and I'm not here?

I'm so sorry.

No. No.

Call Connolly's Funeral Home.
They're real nice.

And, um,

you need to
get her pink suit,

the one with
the cherries on the...

So we do not lose heart.

Though our outer self
is wasting away,

our inner self is
being renewed
day by day,

for this light,
momentary affliction
is preparing for us

an eternal weight of glory
beyond all comparison

as we look not to
the things that are seen,

but to the things
that are unseen,

for the things that
are seen are transient,

but the things that
are unseen are eternal.

It's her.

Hi, M'Lynn.
Hey, darling.

Hello, everybody.

Truvy, can you make
some quick magic?

I know I look like
10 miles of dirt road.

Let me get my magic wand
and my fairy dust.

How you
doing, honey?

Fine. I'm more
worried about Drum.

Thank you.

Miss M'Lynn, it should
make you feel better
that Shelby's with her King.

Yes, Annelle.
I guess it should.

We should all
be rejoicing.

Well, you go ahead.

Miss M'Lynn, I didn't mean
to upset you by saying that.

You see, when things
like this happen,

I pray real hard
to make heads
or tails of it,

and I think,
in Shelby's case,

she wanted to take care
of that baby, of you,
of everybody,

and her poor body
just got worn out.

It wouldn't let her
do everything
that she wanted to do.

So she went on to a place
where she could be
a guardian angel

and she'll always be young,
and she'll always
be beautiful.

And I personally feel
safer knowing that she's
up there on my side.

I know I might sound
real simple and stupid.

And maybe I am,

but that's just
how I get through
things like this.

Thank you, Annelle.

I appreciate that.

And it's a very good idea.

Shelby, as you know,
would not want us to

be all mired down and
wallow in this thing.

She would want us to
deal with it the best
way we know how

and get on with it.

That's what my mind says.

I wish somebody would
explain that to my heart.

Drum said you
never left her side.

Well, I didn't much feel
like playing tennis.

No, I couldn't
leave my Shelby.

I stayed there.

I kept pushing,
just as I always have
when it concerns Shelby.

I was hoping she
would sit up and
argue with me.

Then we all realized
that there was no hope.

I was very afraid
I wouldn't survive

the first few minutes
after they turned those
machines off.

Drum couldn't take it.
He left.

Jackson couldn't
take it. He left.

Struck me as ironic.

I mean, ain't men
supposed to be,

you know,
made of steel?

But I stayed there,

just holding
my baby's hand.

There was no trembling,

no noise,

just peace.

I realize, as a mother,
how lucky I was.

I was there when
this wonderful person
drifted into this world,

and I was there
when she drifted out.

It was the most
precious moment
of my life thus far.

That's great, Truvy.

Can't tell
what's going on
on the insides.

But your hair is
holding up beautifully.

Shelby was right.

I always get my hair
done the same way.


Are you all right?

Yes. Yes!

Yes, I'm all right.

I could jog to
Texas and back, but
my daughter can't.

She can't.
She never could.

I'm so mad,
I don't know
what to do.

How is that baby ever
going to know how
wonderful his mama was?

Will he ever know
what she went
through for him?

It's not supposed
to be like this.

Lord, have mercy.
I'm trying to understand,
but I can't.

I'm supposed to
go first, not her!

I was always
ready to go first.

Not my baby.

I'm so mad. I'm...

I'm so mad I could...
I just want to...

I want to hit
somebody until they
feel as bad as I do.

I just want to hit.

I just want to...
I want to hit something.

I want to hit it,
and I want to
hit it hard.

Hit this.

Go ahead, M'Lynn,
slap her.

Go ahead, M'Lynn,
slap her.

Are you crazy?

Hit her.

Are you high?

Clairee, have you
lost your mind?

We could sell t-shirts
saying, "I slapped
Ouiser Boudreaux."

Hit her!

Miss Clairee, enough.

This is your chance
to do something
for your fellow man.

Let go of me!

Knock her lights out!

You missed it!
You missed it.

You missed the chance
of a lifetime.

You are a harpy
from hell. Go.

I'll admit, I'll admit.
I laughed.

But Miss Clairee,
that wasn't a very
Christian thing to do.

Annelle, honey,
you're gonna
have to lighten up.

My husband says
the same thing.

No, it was just getting
too heavy in here,
and we needed to laugh.

Ouisy, you know
I love you more than
I love my luggage.

Yeah, you are too
bent for color TV.

My Lord.

I'm sorry I went on
like that.

I've gotten everybody
crying up in here.

I'm sorry, Ouiser.

Don't ever be sorry
for anything in here.

I gonna get on
out of here.
Y'all crazy.

Shelby would've had
a good time in here today.

I'm sure she did.

I'm praying for you.
Drum, too.

If you need
anything, call.

And if her line's busy,
call me.

Yes, Annelle,
I pray.

There, I said it.

I hope you're satisfied.

I wanted to ask
Miss M'Lynn.

Sammy and I want to
name the baby Shelby,

since she's the reason
we met in the first place.

Do you think she'll mind?


She'd be
tickled pink.

As long as
we're alive, there's risk for .

Things happen.

And you get through,
and life goes on.

I would rather have
30 minutes of
something wonderful

than a lifetime of
nothing special.