Star Spangled Girl (1971) - full transcript

It's a lot bigger
than I thought it would be.

MAN: Yes, ma'am.

It sure is pretty, though.
Isn't it?

MAN: Yes, ma'am!

Are you just visiting
Los Angeles
or are you gonna live here?

Don't know, ma'am.

If things don't work out
here better for me than
it did in New York,

I might just move on.

(GIGGLES)

Nitty Gritty , Mister?

Take your hands
off the car.



It's all here,
what's wrong
with this country.

You better open
your eyes man. It's all
going to be over soon.

Take your hands
off the car.

The hypocrisy,
the decadence,
the corruption,

it's all on
the Nitty Gritty, man.

I said, take your hands
off the car!

Plus two pages of photos
of a love-in in Big Sur.

Give me a copy, and
then take your hands
off the car.

Come on,
Norman. Call.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Yes? Yes.

Who?

Who you want?

Shapiro? No Shapiro here.



This is Hip Woo Laundry.

No Shapiro works here.

Yes, please.
I'd like this
by Thursday.

Starch?
No starch.

Look very clean.

(CHUCKLING) I rinsed them out,
but you can do it again.

And this is for the stuff
I brought in last week.

$2.60.

You do terrific work.

They always feel like
brand-new shirts to me.
(CHUCKLING)

(DOG BARKING IN THE DISTANCE)

(KNOCKING)

Hello.

Anyone here?

AMELIA COOPER:
Oh, hi! I hope I didn't
disturb you.

I'm Amelia Cooper from
Cypress Gardens, Florida.

I wrote you about
renting a room,

(CAT MEOWING)
and this is my cat, Buster.

(CASH REGISTER DINGING)

(WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

I'll be starting to work
in the morning at the YWCA,

and I wrote to you
in the letter,
I'm a swimming instructor.

I used to be
an underwater guide
at Cypress Gardens

but, uh, I'm really here
to train under
Dr. Fernley, UCLA.

He's the best swimming coach
in the country, you know,

and I'm going to have to
work awful hard

if I want to make
next year's Olympic team.

You interested in swimming
Mrs. MacKaninee?

Now look, if I talk
too much, you just tell me.

But I always think the way
to get to know people
is to talk

and I like
to get to know...

I'm in love.

(CASH REGISTER DINGING)

(BURPING)

Mrs. MacKaninee,
I know you think I'm
a very weird human being,

but did you just
walk by here with
a terrific-smelling person?

Not to say, you're not
a terrific smelling person,

but the person you were with
had an odor that is

particular and unique
to my own personal chemically
constructed needs.

See, all of us have
certain basic requirements

when it comes
to the opposite sex,

namely, small hands,
green eyes, large behinds.

Where is she,
Mrs. MacKaninee?

Who was she,
I'll sniff her out myself.

Can't you give me a break?

I don't need a bag.

51 cents, please.
Thank you.

(CARTON RATTLING)

(MRS. MACKANINEE WHISTLING)

Oh, good. Mrs. MacKaninee,
you're in.

I was looking for you.

ANDY HOBART: Uh,
listen I know the
rent is due today

and I have every
intention of paying.

Now I know I've given you
lots of phony excuses
in the past,

but this one
is really legitimate.

(MUSIC PLAYING)
My father,
as you know,

who hasn't been well,

got better,
but is not well again.

Please, MacKaninee,
I don't want to dance.

I want to explain
about my sick father.

You see,
he had this terrible pain
in his side and...

Mrs. MacKaninee, please,
can I at least lead?

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Norman!

I'm home.

I hope you're working,
because I just sold
my soul for this newspaper.

Norman!

All right, Norman.
Where the hell are you?

NORMAN: (ON RECORDER)
Temper, temper. I'm out
relaxing for a few minutes.

I've been pounding
the typewriter for
eight consecutive hours.

I am now capable of
committing the perfect crime

because I no longer
have fingerprints.

Oh, Mr. Karlson called.
He says we owe him
$230 for printing bills.

He also said, if he doesn't
get his money by Saturday,

he's going to send his
two large sons over
to break our four skinny legs.

I told him
I'm just a writer and that
you take care of the bills,

so they're gonna
break your legs
and just sprain my ankle.

I hope you brought food
because I'm starving to death.

The next sound you hear
is my empty stomach gurgling.

(MAKES GURGLING SOUND)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hey, Martoni, how about
a little service?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(ITALIAN ACCENT)
Martoni's restaurant.

Hey, Martoni, how about
a little service?

(ITALIAN ACCENT)
Si, si. I'm a coming.

Eh, no, no, no, no.
It's no newspaper.
It's Italian restaurant.

I can keep this up
as long as you can,
Mr. Karlson.

Hey, where were
you so long?

Did you bring anything to eat?
I have five minutes to live.

Should I put
the dish on the floor,

or will you try and eat
like a normal person.

Nuts? Pickles? Raisins?
Don't you have
any imagination?

Get me some little
Budapest sausages
once in a while.

My job is to
keep you alive,
not happy.

If I'm not happy,
I don't write well.

If I don't write,
we don't eat well.

If we don't eat well,
I'm not happy.

Just finish your dinner
and go back to work.

Dinner? This is
emergency relief food.
Where do you see dinner?

What did you get
in the laundry today?

Uh, huh?
Oh, don't look at me
like that.

It's clean.
What do you want
for $2.60?

Dirty men's clothes.

Mr. Karlson called again.
Your life is in jeopardy.

I'll get the money.
You just get
the paper out.

Is there any mail?
In the waste paper basket.

Printing bills,
type writer repair bills,

electric bills, phone bills,

and a bill for
the waste paper basket.

Why is it everyone
in the world wants money?

So they don't have to
live like this.

And we owe the lady
at the pet-shop, 80 cents.
For what?

She gave me a haircut.

I would have
done it for 40.

I've gotta borrow
your jacket tonight.

Mrs. MacKaninee again?

I don't understand it.
What have you got
that I don't have?

An expendable body.

I'm giving myself
so your literature can live.

It's not that important.

I think my body
should be expended
once in a while.

You think it's such a thrill
to ride on the
back of a motorcycle

with a woman
who has gray roots
and blonde braids?

You think it's
a bigger thrill
sitting here alone

doing what I'm doing
and thinking about doing
what you're doing?

I'm not enjoying myself.
I'm doing it to
save us rent money.

All right, why don't you
marry her. We'll get
the place painted.

It's 5:00, Norman.
You've got a lot of work
ahead of you.

Promise me,
when you come home,

you'll wake me up
and tell me everything.

All right, Norman.
Don't say all right.

Say "I promise."

I want to hear
all the details.

I'm emotionally starved.

I'm alone a lot.

I need to be fed
twice a day with erotica.

If you're in
such bad shape,
take a few hours off,

go downtown, lie about
your age and see
an X-rated movie.

I'm not a voyeur,
I don't want to watch.

I either want
to hear or do.

Then, I'll wake you
up tonight and you'll hear.

I'd rather do.
Then do.

Call up a girl you know.

I don't like
the girls I know.

I only like
the girls you know.

Then call up a girl I know.

They don't like me.
They like you.

Even the girls
that I know like you.

Norman, believe me,
somewhere, someplace,

there's a girl
waiting for you.

Promise me.
I promise.

Nice-looking girl?
Terrific.

Good sense of humor?

Nice legs. Loves pizza
and cherry cokes?

That's her.
I feel a lot better.

I'm glad, Norman.

If you take her from me,
I'll kill you.

You have my permission.
Now I have to get dressed.

Type, Norman.
Let me hear typing.

And I just wanted to say hi

and let you know
that I'm glad
to meet you.

Well, bye.

(KNOCKING)

Excuse me. My name's
Amelia Cooper,

but most folks
call me Amy.

I just moved
into that bungalow
across the way

(CHUCKLING) Uh, I know
people in big cities
don't usually do this,

but I promised my folks,
I'd make my acquaintance
with my neighbors.

So, uh, I just want to say
it's a real pleasure
meeting you,

and, uh, I hope
to see you again
real soon.

Well, bye.

Did someone just come in?

Norman?

Did someone
just come in?

(SHOUTING) Norman!
What? What? No!

No one came in.
There's no one here.
Go back inside.

All right, Norman,
what's the matter?

There's nothing the matter.

Leave me alone.
Go back to your room.

Can't you see,
I'm busy working?

At the door?
I needed some air.

Why don't you
open the window?

I don't want fresh air.
I want plain air.

ANDY: All right, relax,
Norman. Relax.

(KNOCKING)
I don't hear that.

I don't hear
anyone at the door.

I heard a knock, Norman.

So you heard a knock.
People knock on doors
all the time.

That's no reason
to loiter here.
(KNOCKING)

Are you going
to answer that
or am I?

I'll answer it!
Stay away!

Oh, hi.
Excuse me again.

I was just unpacking,
my friends back home,
gave me this fruitcake.

But I don't really
like fruitcake.

It would be an insult
to them to throw it away.

So um, I would
appreciate it a lot,

if you would accept this
with my compliments,

and I hope you enjoy it.

Hi! Well, it was nice
seeing you again.

Bye.

Who's that?

Her name is Amy Cooper.

She just moved
into the bungalow
across the way.

She gave me a fruitcake
and hopes I enjoy it.

And I love her!

Wahoo! Did you see
what was standing there?

Did you see what
moved in next-door
to where I live?

Wahoo! Oh, it's for me!
All for me!

God loves me and he gave me
something wonderful!

Didn't I tell you
it would happen?
Did you smell her?

Did you waft her fragrance?

Did you open
your entire nose
and smell that girl?

No, I was in the bathroom.
I didn't smell that far.

(LAUGHING) Didn't smell
that far...

It's all over the room.

In 10 minutes, it will be
all over the neighborhood!

Tomorrow, they'll
start raising rents.

And you stay
away from her.

No contest.
She's not my type.

How do you know
what type she is?
She was here five seconds.

I only need three.
She's the old outdoor girl,

a lot of muscle
from the neck up.

Who cares what her IQ is?

I'm not giving out
scholarships.

I just want to smell her
and touch her.

All right, go ring
her doorbell

tell her you want to
smell her and touch her

and then go back to work.

Are you crazy?

Didn't you hear
the way she talked?

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
I'm glad to make
your acquaintance.

She comes from
Rhett Butler country.

The only way to make it
with a girl like that
is with romance,

big gestures.

All right, go out
and burn down Atlanta.

She'll be crazy about you.

You think,
I wouldn't do it
if I could get to

nibble on her neck
for 10 minutes?

Talk to me.
Andy, help me.

I've got to plan this all
very carefully.

I mustn't jump into anything.

One wrong move,
I could blow
the entire love affair.

Flowers. What about flowers?

Flowers every morning.
Flowers twice a day.

No! No!
That's not big enough!

How about trees?

Maybe it shouldn't be big.
Maybe it should be small.

Something with thought,
something personal.

What can I do for her that's
very small and very personal?

How about
brushing her teeth?

Get out of here!

You have no soul!

You don't know how
to treat a girl like that.

ANDY: Personally,
I wouldn't try.

I got it. I got it.

I get a can of red paint

and paint outside
her door.

So when she comes
home at night,
she'll look on the ground,

and it'll say,

"I love you, Amy Cooper."

But she's already inside.
When she goes out,

it's gonna say,
"repooc yma ouy evol I."

Why do I bother
talking to you?

Why do I bother listening?

I don't want
any distractions, Norman.

You have work to do.
We have a paper
to get out here.

We don't get out this issue,
we don't get the money
to pay Karlson.

And if we don't pay
Mr. Karlson, we don't walk,
for the rest of our lives.

My brains compose
3% of the human body.

You want it, it's yours.

I've still got 97%
that needs
a little affection.

Now, get your nose
off my nose,

cause I have no intention
of smelling you,

when that girl
lives 12 feet away.

Now, move aside.

Buster? Here, Buster.

Come on, Buster.
It's dinner time.

Is there anything wrong?

Oh, hi.
I can't find my cat.
She's just nervous.

First time
in a new house.

Stay right there.
We'll look
for him together.

She likes me!

I can tell she likes me.
It's in her eyes,

her smile. You can't lie
about things like that.

That girl likes me!

Thank you.
(WHISTLING)

Buster.
Come on, Buster.

Come on, kitty, kitty.
Come to Norman.

Cats like me.
Most animals like me.

People like me too
but they have to
get to know me first.

In the beginning,
I seem very weird.

You seem very nice to me.
Not weird?

I haven't noticed
anything weird.

Well, if you do,
just remember, underneath it,
I'm very nice.

Buster. Come on, Buster.

Here, Buster.
Come on, boy.

(GIGGLING) Buster's a girl.

(CHUCKLING)

I just named her after
my favorite swimmer,
Buster Crabbe,

you remember,
he used to play
Tarzan in the movies.

Oh, he was a great
Olympic swimmer,

won three medals.
I'd settle for one,
next year.

You're gonna swim
in the Olympics?

Hey, that's terrific.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna
teach at the YWCA

during the day
and train at UCLA
at night.

I represented
the United States

in the last Olympics.
That's fabulous.

How did you do?
Oh, well,
I came in fifth.

Fifth is good.
I love fifth.

Fifth is my favorite
place in a race.

Well, it's not mine,

especially when there are
only four other countries
swimming against me.

I got this cramp in my leg
and finished behind Egypt.

I didn't know
they swam in Egypt.

Well, then you
can imagine how I feel

coming in six seconds
behind some girl who was
raised in the desert.

That's why this year
I'm going to get myself
in better condition,

I'm gonna watch
my diet, get ten hours
sleep at night,

and try not to get tense,

so I don't get
anymore cramps.

If a bird
so much as twitters
outside your window,

he's in trouble with me.

I'm sorry, I didn't even
catch your name.

I'm hoping
someday you will.

Norman. Norman Cornell.

(BUSTER MEOWING)
Buster?

Is that you?
Come on, Buster.

Kitty. Oh, Buster.

If you ever meet Andy,
that's the fellow
who lives with me,

don't get too friendly.

He is nice,
but he irritates people.
Gets 'em all tense.

I wouldn't want you
to get tense, a year
before the Olympics.

I don't see him in here.
Don't go.

It's such a
nice place to look.

(SNIFFING)

Mr. Cornell, uh, I don't
want to get personal,

but you have your nose
in my hair.

I'm sorry.
It just smells nice.

(SNIFFING) I'm not weird.

NORMAN: Please don't get
the impression I'm weird.

AMY: Ah, I do not think
you're weird, Mr. Cornell.

I just wish
you'd take your nose
out of my hair.

NORMAN: I will. I will.
You're a very attractive girl,
Miss Cooper,

and It's important for me
to know that you know
I think you're attractive.

Mr. Cornell,
I wish to continue
looking for my cat.

Just one more sniff!

That's not a weird
thing to ask, is it?
Oh...

There she is.
(MEOWING)

Oh, I'll get him.
I'll get him.

I don't want you to get tense.

(YELLING)

(LOUD MEOWING)
Ow!

Look at you!
That comes off.
You dip her in turpentine.

Otherwise, Buster
will lick it up.
(MEOWING)

Cats are always
cleaning themselves.

Oh! Ow...
Let me help you.

Mr. Cornell, you've
helped me enough.

You're a very sweet person,

but I'm getting
a little tense.

(SOBBING)
Oh, don't get tense.
I didn't mean anything.

I'm not weird.
You don't think,
I'm weird, do you?

I do not think
you're weird.
A little strange,

but not necessarily weird.

Oh, don't cry, Buster.
We'll get that off someday.

Good day, Mr. Cornell.

I'm getting to her.

I really think
I'm getting to her.

Norman?

How's it going?

Norman?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello. Oh, Mr. Karlson.

No, I couldn't call you back.

I'm alone here
and they haven't taken

the bandages
off my eyes, yet.

Didn't I tell you?
The doctor says my only chance
is to have the operation,

but it's gonna cost
the same amount
of money I owe you.

What do you
suggest I do?

A cane.

That's a very
good suggestion.

I'll get the money,
Mr. Karlson.

(DOOR OPENING)

Get that stuff
off the table!
Give me room.

Where have you
been, all day?
In love.

Don't talk to me now.
I'm busy.

ANDY: I looked
on the table, Norman.
There are no new pages.

I got plenty of time.
Three days.

Three days to complete
a whole issue.

I'm thinking all the time.
I got everything up here.

I don't want it up there!
I want it down there!

Don't coerce me.
I can't work
under coercion.

How about under
savage beating?

I've got a life's savings
and three years
tied up in this newspaper,

Norman, and I'm not
gonna see something
vital and good

and worthwhile,
go down the drain,

because you can't
think of anything

but that corn-fed
Minnie Mouse, next door.

What's in that package?
Groceries.

I steal the groceries.

That's for her, isn't it?
You bought it for her.

What's that?
It's none of your business.
It's private.

"United Nations
Gourmet Shoppe?"

They always have
a big sale before Lent.

Miniature watermelon?

Baby Siberian
herring fillets?

Tiny kumquats?
Who's coming for dinner?
A couple of midgets?

I had a yen
for some delicacies.

Delicacies?
You haven't eaten
anything fancier

than a banana and
a peanut butter sandwich,
since the day I met you.

$22?

You spent $22
for toy food?

Take it out of
my share of the profits.

Your share of profits
couldn't buy a banana and
a peanut butter sandwich.

Are you out of your mind?
I'm giving her a gift.

You gave
your mother a gift
on Mother's Day.

I gave her
a year's subscription
to our newspaper.

You hardly know this girl.

I know her!

I know her.
I know this person.

I know, she works
like a dog,
six days a week.

I watch her coming home
at night, tired, hungry.

A sweet, beautiful girl
coming home
night after night,

to nothing but canned
corned beef hash.

How do you know that?
I check her garbage
every afternoon.

All right, Norman.
Get a hold of yourself.

Get a hold of myself?
Are you kidding?

My functioning days
are over.

I've become an animal.

I've developed
senses no man
has ever used before.

I can smell the shampoo
on her hair,
three blocks away.

I turn my radio
up full blast,

I can still hear her
taking off her stockings.

Don't you understand?
She turns me on!

From my head to my toes,
I take one look at her,

and I light up.

This month alone,
my personal electric bill
will be over $200!

Are you telling me
that we have three days
to get out a newspaper,

and you've spent your time
buying pygmy cucumbers

for a girl with
strong shampoo?

Don't you understand
what I'm going through?

Don't you know what
physical attraction is?

Pure unadulterated
physical attraction.
I do.

What is it?
It's when one hippopotamus
likes another hippopotamus

with no questions asked.
Exactly.

It is now 5:30,

and my hippopotamus
will be home any minute.

Now stay out of the way.
All right. All right.
All right.

I'll put the kumquats
in the basket.

You finish the article.

Who are you,
Myles Standish?

I'll put my
own kumquats
in the basket.

A ribbon.
I need a red ribbon.

Do you have a red ribbon?

Do I have a red ribbon?

Either you have a red ribbon
or you don't?
If you have a red ribbon,

I'd like it
for my basket, please.

I'm an intelligent
grown person, Norman.

I'm not going to
stand here and discuss

red ribbons with you.

In other words,

you're not going to
give me your red ribbon?

That's right!
I have 12,000
red ribbons in my closet,

but I'm not gonna
give you one.

Get your own red ribbons.

That's one
I owe you, Andy.

From now on,
I'm keeping score.

(SNIFFING)

She's here.

She just walked
by the window.

It gets better
every day.

You're not gonna
give me your
red ribbon, right?

ANDY: Who do you
think I am?
Fannie Farmer?

That's two I owe you.

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

What are you doing?

Are you working?

Norman, sweetheart,
what are you writing?

"Adomis terra
amorta eternos."

What is that,
a prescription?

It's, "I worship the ground
you walk on" in Latin.

Now get out of my way,

or you get
Elberta peaches

in brandy right
between the eyes.

Norman, you have
three minutes to
deliver your care package!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

United Nations
Gourmet Shoppe.

(RINGING DOORBELL)

She's got it.
She's got the basket.

Mr. Karlson just called.

He's sending his boys over
to talk to us tomorrow.

You know how they talk,
with 40-pound tongues.

She's reading the note.

She's moving
her gorgeous lips
and reading the note.

She's looking over here.

(SLAMMING AGAINST DOOR)

Here she comes!

Clean the apartment!

Vacuum the rug! (BLOWING)

She's coming to my house!

I'm shaking.
Look at
my hand shaking!

If she loves the kumquats,
if she loves the note,

she's got
to love me, right?

Clean the apartment.
Open the door!

Where are you going?
To open the door.

Not yet.
I'm not ready.

I'll give it a nice
intellectual touch,
class it up.

Okay, open the door.
Open the door!

Open it.

Open it.

Excuse me.

Mr. Cornell,
I've tried to be friendly,

I have tried to be
neighborly and I have
tried to be cordial.

I don't know what
it is you're trying to be.

If it's helpful,
it's not helping.

My cat is still red
and slowly turning yellow.

I'm tired of seeing
my name linked with yours

on every empty building
between here and the YWCA.

And as for this,
I cannot accept gifts,
from a man I hardly know,

especially canned goods.
And I read your little note.

I can guess the gist of it,

even though
I don't speak Italian.

I come home tired,
hungry and nervous
every night,

Mr. Cornell, because
I hear you sniffing

through the window,
as I pass your bungalow.

(CRYING) I'm getting tense.
I don't sleep well.

And yesterday I took
the wrong bus,

it was heading for Mexico,
before I discovered it.

Now, what I'm saying,
Mr. Cornell,

and I don't won't
to have to say it again,

is please leave me alone!

Don't watch me!
Don't bother me!
And don't sniff me!

Is it all right
if I call you?

Oh, you are crackers,
you know that?

Did you know
your roommate
is crackers?

Yes, but I didn't know
the exact medical term.

Didn't you listen
to one solitary thing
I said to you?

Stop smelling me!

You tell him
to stop smelling me.

Norman,
stop smelling her.

I appreciate your
attention, Mr. Cornell,

and I'm very flattered,

but I'm also engaged
to a very nice,

very tall, very strong

member of the UCLA
swimming team.

That's why I came out here.

You heard that, didn't you?

I wasn't listening.
I'm trying to hear
your hair growing.

Ew. What's wrong with him?
Does he have aural trouble?

Oral trouble?

With his ears.
Hard of hearing.

Yes. He has very bad aurals.

You know, Mr. Cornell,
if I wanted to, I could
have you arrested.

Did you ever hear of
invasion of privacy?

Look at his
nostrils quivering.
He's smelling me again.

Do you want me
to hold his nose?

I'm sorry,
but a girl who
looks like you

shouldn't be allowed
to walk the streets.

This is a citizen's arrest.

Oh, now, please, keep away.

I'm going to have
my fiancee inflict him
with bodily harm.

Tell him that.

Norman, her boyfriend
is going to inflict your
body with harm.

Beatings, whippings,
flailings...

I welcome
anything from her.

My face is
at your disposal.

(STAMMERING)
Wait a minute. Now...

Are we on one of those
television programs
or something?

Is anyone
watching this now?

ANDY: Not even me.
Huh.

Because if they are,
they're watching a young,
healthy girl

having a nervous breakdown.

You know, my
hair's falling out.

Ever since I've
moved in here

I brush my hair
every night,
then go to bed.

And suddenly,
there he is,

sitting in that big tree
outside my window

strumming a ukulele
and singing
Spanish love songs.

And I wake up
in the morning with hair
all over my pillow.

If it keeps up,
I will call the entire
UCLA swim team.

Tell him! Tell him.

She wants
me to tell you
if this keeps up...

I will be the happiest
man in the world!

She thinks of me
night and day!

She thinks of me.
Don't you care
what she thinks of you?

She's engaged, Norman.

Forget about her.
Forget about her?

Did you see
what was in this room?

Did you see?

I saw a skinny little girl
with a dodo expression.

That's three, Andy.

That one
I'll never forget.

That's not a girl.

That was one of
God's creations

made during
his best period.

Don't ever call her a girl
in front of me again!

Well, whatever it is,
if it goes bald,

you've got big
trouble with UCLA.

I can handle all
wet college kids.

ANDY: Where are you
going with that?

You don't think
I'm gonna let her
clean her apartment

after she's been
working all day.

Okay, I've had just about
as much of King Kong and
Fay Wray as I can take.

Now, you move two
steps away from that
type writer,

you're gonna be
picking ukulele
out of your head.

Not unless you
are capable of
swallowing an entire mop!

Norman, what's
happening to you?

I've seen you panting
over a girl before,

but this is the first time
I ever saw you getting
a bubble on your head.

Don't you think I know?
Don't you think I'm worried?

What I'm doing
now is abnormal.

The behavior
you're watching now
is weird, Andy, weird.

But I can't help myself.

I'm a slave
to physical attraction.

And I'll do anything,

including mopping
her kitchen floor,

to be with her every night

for the rest of my life.

Didn't you hear her?
She's gonna marry
another man!

What she does
during the day
is her business.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Well?
Don't get angry.
Don't get mad.

Can I come in
for a minute?
No.

You didn't even hear why.
Let me come in
and tell you why.

I won't bother you.
I know you're tired.

You've been
swimming all day.

I just want to clean up.

Is that so weird?
I don't think
that's so weird.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

NORMAN: That was an accident!
That lamp can be repaired.

I can fix that lamp
in 10 minutes.

Do you know what
he's doing now?

Do you?
He's mopping
your kitchen floor.

He's mopping
my kitchen floor.

And you don't want your
kitchen floor mopped.

And I don't want my
kitchen floor mopped.

I waxed it last night
and he's mopping up
all the wax.

Do you hear me?

I have perfect aurals.

Can I use your phone?
I didn't get one yet.

Certainly.

Hello, would you get me
the Los Angeles
Police Department.

You wouldn't do that.
You're watching me do it.

Hello, I'd like to report
a weird man who's run
amuck in my kitchen.

Amuck! Amuck!
Will you listen to me
for two minutes.

In two minutes, he'll
have my wallpaper steamed off.

No, not with a knife,
with a mop! I...

Now will you
listen to me?

That's just gonna cost you
another dime because
I'm calling them again.

Why won't you
listen to me?

I told you why.

I already told you
about my hair falling out.

Now, look at this.

Those big ugly red
blotches are hives.

Do you know
what causes me
to get hives?

Holding a lamp
to your face?

Nervous tension causes
me to get hives.

Mopping my floor,
breaking my lamp,

painting my cat
causes me nervous tension.

I know what you're
going through. I lived
with that nut for three years

and he's turned
my hair gray.

I fail to notice it.

Have a look at
my eyelashes.

All gray. I used to
have long and beautiful
brown eyelashes.

Did you ever see
anything like that before?

Gray, gray.

Gray eyelashes
are not as noticeable
on a man

as a receding
hairline is on a girl.

Get your hand
off that phone,
I'm calling again.

No, you're not.
You're gonna sit down
and you're gonna listen.

I wouldn't threaten me
if I were you.

You're tall and skinny
and I'm short and strong.

Well, I'm glad
you live next door.

I have a lot of
trouble opening jars.

May I tell you about
Norman Cornell?

If you can do in
five seconds, because
that's what you've got.

One, two...

He's impulsive,
repulsive, incorrigible,
and irrepressible.

But he's also one of
the most talented, creative
and inspired young writers

living in this
country today.

Will you accept that?

I've never read
anything of his expect
that Italian mash note

he left in that
grocery basket.

Three, four...

Just hear me out.
In his freshman year
at Berkeley,

he wrote a thesis on
the economic development

of the Philippine
islands since 1930

without any previous
knowledge of economics,
the Philippines or 1930.

There's no end
to the talent
of the mentally warped.

You're times up.
Give me that phone!

Norman Cornell is not only
one of the brightest young men
in America today,

he is also the hope and
promise of today's generation
and tomorrow's future.

I just knocked the cat
into the toilet.
It was an accident.

Help! Police! Help!

Stop, will you?
(CRYING) Help me,
he's drowning my cat!

Will you stop panicking?

Easy for you to say.

He's not flushing
your cat into the
the Pacific ocean!

I promise when he
comes back I'll nail
him to the wall.

Ow! Will you stop kicking me.
I have very thin socks.

Either you let me call
the police or I'm gonna smash
everything in this house.

Starting with the dishes.

Oh, you want to
play rough, huh? Okay!

(CLATTERING)

All right, let go, let go.
I don't want to take
advantage of you.

I'm calling the police
and I don't want
any trouble from you.

I won't give you
any trouble if you
don't give me any trouble.

Are you gonna
let me call the police?
Yes! Yes!

Good.
Ah!

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself

being stronger
than a fellow.

Physical fitness
is as important
as godliness or cleanliness.

What about friendliness
and niceness?

Just hear me out!

And if you're still upset,
you can go back to angriness

and destructiveness,
all right?

Thank you.

(CLEARING THROAT)
Miss Cooper...

May I call you Amy?
No.

Miss Cooper...

Have you ever heard
of Nitty Gritty?

AMY: Is that some
kind of dessert?

I believe you're thinking
of tutti-frutti.

Nitty Gritty is the name
of an underground paper

put out by
Norman and myself,

and it is filled with
protest, Miss Cooper.

This is our motto.

"A remedy for
a sick society."

We're not doctors,
we're diagnosticians.

We point to troubled spots.
It's up to the people
to cure them.

I'm the editor,
sales manager,
and managing director.

Norman writes
the whole thing
from cover to cover.

And what we print
and publish, Miss Cooper,
we believe in.

Now...

When you go back to
your freshly mopped room,

I would like you to read
last month's issue.

And I would like you
to tell me,

if the things we protest
against every month
in the Nitty Gritty,

aren't the things you
protest against every day
in your everyday life.

Now.

We have a modest business
here, Miss Cooper.

I will tell you frankly,
to keep alive,
I steal food

and borrow other
people's laundry,

but we stay alive
and get out our paper,

and we'll continue
doing it as long as

there's an angry
breath in our body

and as long as
there's one single
iota of corruption

left in this society
worth protesting about.

But, Miss Cooper,

unless you smile
at that talented lunatic

with the mop out
there and say,

"Thank you for
your little Viennese
sauerbraten."

One of the great organs
of free press

will vanish from
the American scene.

Is that a tear
I see in your eye,
Miss Cooper?

That is a brand-new hive
on the bridge of my nose.

Then I have
misjudged you.

I'm delighted you're
interested in the welfare
of this country.

So am I.

You go underground,
I go underwater.

But I am not gonna get
any gold medals
or silver wedding bells

unless that weird person
stays out of my life.

Well, there's a
simple solution.

You save my newspaper,
I'll save your future.

How?

I promise to keep
Norman away from you

as much as possible
if you will just smile
at him once in a while.

One hello from you
could keep him happy
for a whole issue.

Will you do it?

And you promise to
keep him away from me?

I'll tie a bell
around his neck.

You'll hear him coming
from miles away.

Will you shake on it?

I'll nod on it.
I'm not on shaking
terms with you, all right.

Terrific.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

All finished.
The cat's fine.

I gave him
artificial respiration.

I'm sorry
for what happened.

That's all right.

(SOFTLY) Andy,
she spoke nicely to me.

ANDY: I heard.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to
wax my floor again.

Would you say my name?

Just say Norman.

It's one little word,
Norman.

Norman.

Would you say it in here?
I would like to
have it to keep.

Norman.

That was wonderful.

Thank you, Amy.

I've lived up
to my promise.

You live up to yours.
I want to hear
"tinkle tinkle."

All right, Norman
I just made
that girl a promise.

Now as long as you
behave decently
and act like a normal...

What are you doing?

I want the world
to hear it
from her own lips.

Norman loves Amy!

And Amy loves...

AMY: Norman.

Turn that off.

Tell us again, Amy
who is the one who
drives you wild?

AMY: Norman.

Whisper it, Amy.

Tell me and nobody else.

Who do you love?

AMY: Norman.
(SMASHING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(IN JAPANESE ACCENT)
Yes, please. Tamashaki
Japanese Gardens.

Excuse, please

ANDY: Hey, Martoni,
how about a little service?

I mustn't think about her.

I mustn't think about her,
I mustn't think about her,

I mustn't think about her,
but I am, I am, I am.

Mrs. MacKaninee,
I never did this before.

Can I...

Can I get hurt like this?

(ANDY SCREAMING)

Do we have to do this
much longer,
Mrs. MacKaninee?

I mean, isn't it...

Isn't it time to go in now?

I don't think I can
stay up much more...

Ah! Good-bye!

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

There hasn't been
a wave in two hours,
Mrs. MacKaninee.

Don't you think
we ought to start
calling for help?

Okay.

There.

That's what we call
the breaststroke.

And that's what
we're gonna have
to do today, okay?

Everybody in the water.

Whoo!

Now stretch
your arms way out.

That's right, Mary.
Keep stretching
way out and kick.

Excuse me. I'm looking
for Miss Amy Cooper,
she's a swimming instructor.

Yes. Well, Amy's giving
a class in the pool right now.

She'll be another 40 minutes
if you'll just take a seat.

I don't have much time.
I have to get back to work.

I just wanted to
give her this little gift.
It will take five minutes.

Where do you think
you're going?

It's a matter of
my own life and death.

WOMAN: Come back here!

Where are you going?

To the pool.
Two minutes.
I just have to see her.

WOMAN: You come back here!
This is the YWCA!

(DUCKS QUACKING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Amy!

Amy!

Amy!

Amy!

(QUACKING)
Amy!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Amy!

Amy! Amy!

(SCREAMING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(SIREN BLARING)

(DUCK QUACKING)
(ALL SCREAMING)

(SHOOING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Where is that pool?

Come on, you guys.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

All right, ladies.
Which way to the pool?

(ALL SCREAMING)

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

Norman?

Norman...

I don't want
to disturb you.

I'm back.

(TYPING CONTINUES)

I have first-degree burns
on 98% of my body.

The other 2% is scorched.

Not a cockamamie wave
for three hours.

Only time I had shade
was when a bird
flew over me.

You can see
his outline on my back.

Norman, I don't want
to interrupt you,

but could you rub a little
Noxzema on my back?

Oh. I can't
unscrew the jar.

Norman, could I...

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(RECORDING TURNS OFF)

Are you crazy?
Are you insane?

What are you
trying to do?
Take my eye out?

I was trying to kill you,
but I'll take
whatever I can get.

You're trying to
blind me, I know you.

Then I'll be stuck
in this room for
the rest of my life.

That's what you'd like,
isn't it?

What I'd like is
a bigger jar of Noxzema.

I'm not gonna ask you
where you were, Norman,
because I think I know.

I'm just curious as
to why you came back?

Because there's nothing
left for you here except
physical mutilation.

I came back because
I have work to do.

I believe we have
a newspaper to get out.

Don't toy with me, Norman.

My skin is like
a crispy Peking duck.

I am in a fragile state.

I'm a writer
not a doctor.

Call Medicare.

Who are you kidding?
What about the girl?

What girl?
The star spangled
corn pone

from across the way.
Where were you
this morning,

at the delicatessen
getting a life-size statue
of her in potato-salad?

Oh, the new girl,
I haven't given
her a thought.

Oh, really?
Then who did I
hear at that room

at 3:00 in the morning
playing Prisoner of Love
on tissue paper and cone?

That was me but
that was last night.

And last night
is not today.

Something's happened,
Norman, and I'm
afraid to ask what.

What happened, Norman?

I don't want
to talk about it.

You followed her
this morning. You waited
for her outside the Y.

I did not wait for her
outside the Y.

You went inside the Y?

I don't want
to talk about her.

You went inside
the Y and started
yelling for Amy.

I did not yell.
I asked politely.

Then you started to yell
and they asked you to leave.

I don't want
to talk about it.

You didn't go all
over the Y looking
for her, did you?

No, I did not go
all over the Y
looking for her.

Where did you look?
Just the swimming pool.

I don't want
to talk about it.

They wear bathing
suits if that's what
you're worried about.

That's what I was
worried about. They threatened
to call the police?

No. They called
the police.
What'd they do?

(GROANING)

I'm on six
months' probation.

I knew it! I knew it!

Do you want
to hear my side?

I'm not through
with their side yet.

We live in
a police state, Andy.

Did you know we are
living in a police state?

I know.
First they start
burning books,

and they keep the men
out of the YWCA.

As they took me away
in the patrol car,
I heard her screaming.

"I hate you,
I loathe you
and I despise you!

"Hate, hate, hate loathe,
despise, and hate!"

So, I figured the best
thing to do is forget
about her.

I think you made
a wise decision, Norman.

I mean, if she wants
to play it cool, I don't
have time to waste.

You mean that?

Busy. I want to
get busy again.

Work, work, work.
Busy, busy, busy.

Don't stand too close
to the typewriter
cause it's gonna get hot.

I think you
really mean it.

That's wonderful.
Here, Norman, type.

No spaces, just
lots of words.

What did I see
in her, Andy?

She's not bright,
you know. Do you
think she's bright?

She has a native
intelligence of
a very remote country.

It was physical
attraction and how
long does that last?

40-45 minutes,
the most.

Say her name.
Amy.

Say the last part.
Cooper.

Now the whole thing.
Amy Cooper.

Say it a lot.
Amy Cooper, Amy Cooper,
Amy Cooper...

Get out of here,
you're boring me.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm gonna sit right
here and get out
the mailing list.

You just type.
You want to eat or drink
or go to the bathroom,

you just sit there.
I'll do everything.

Norman, I love you.
I truly love you.

(EXCLAIMING) I'm through
with her, not with girls.
Leave me alone.

ANDY: Don't press, Norman.
You're pressing. It'll come.

Have you noticed
how I don't mention
her name anymore?

I've noticed, Norman.

I've also noticed that
you haven't written
anything in an hour.

Okay. Here I go.

The paper is in.

My fingers
are poised.

An idea is forming
in my mind.

Something is about
to come out.

Don't announce
it, Norman. You're not
a train conductor.

You're a writer.

Maybe if I just
started typing,

something would
come out.

I don't think that's
gonna work, Norman.

Andy.

Yes?

I think I'm
losing my mind.

Well, you're stale,
sweetheart.

You haven't
written anything in
over five days.

Did you see what
I just put down
on this paper?

Zizzivivitzz.

Second in my class
at Berkeley,

and I wrote
zizzivivitzz.

You wouldn't accept
work like that
from a gorilla.

All right, don't panic,
Norman, let's not panic.

Here, read it for
yourself. What
does that say?

"Zizzivivitzz."

Don't tell me
not to panic.

Maybe if I called
her at the Y and
tried to apologize.

Does it make any
sense to call a girl

who just had the
police drag you
away in a patrol car?

You're talking to
a man who just
wrote zizzivivitzz!

I'll dial.
You talk to her.

Why should
I talk to her?

Because my mouth dries up
when I talk to her.

No words come out,
just little blah blah sounds.

Blah blah blah blah.

If you call, Norman,
you got to "blah blah"
to her yourself.

You know what
you are, Hobart?

Cold turkey. Cold turkey,
lumpy stuffing and
watery cranberry sauce.

You have all the
romance and sentiment
of a sanitation truck.

You're also
a sexual snob.

You don't get excited
over a girl unless she
has a straight A average.

Well, I don't need you.

I'll talk to
Amy myself.

Hello. Is this
the YWCA? It is?

Blah blah blah blah.

Yes. Miss Amy
Cooper, please.

What? When?

Why?

Where?

What? What? When?
Why? What?

What's happening?

Yes. Thank you
very much.

She was just fired.

They said it was the
fourth time this week

some nut tried to
break into the pool.

Third. It was
only my third.

Open the door,
or I'll take it
off the hinges!

Andy, help me.

I can't stand
rejection, I'll never
be able to write again.

All right, get
out of here. Let
me talk to her.

What will you say?
What will you tell her?

She's breaking the
door down. I can't
audition for you now.

Just tell me one thing.
Tell me one nice thing
you're gonna say about me.

You never wear brown
shoes with a blue suit.
Now, get out of here.

NORMAN: Hi,
Mrs. Fleigelman!

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

Where is he?
Where is that lunatic?

I know exactly what
I'm gonna do to him.

I planned it as I sat there
dripping all over the bus!

He's walking around
out there eating
his heart out.

Well, tell him not to bother,
cause I'm gonna get a
big dog to do it for him.

I've been fired. Fired.

They didn't even give
me time to dry off.

ANDY: I know, I just
spoke to the Y.

Didn't you explain
to them it wasn't
your fault?

Well, it's hard with
a madman running
around the hall

and a duck quack-quacking
in the pool.

That bird is still there.

He built a nest in the
basketball hoop,

and they have
a big game tonight.

Norman brought a bird?

A 30-pound duck, uncooked.

And don't ask me where
it bit the mother of
one of my little girls.

I have rent due
in three days and
I've been fired.

They said
I encouraged him.
I hate him!

All right, calm down.
I'll get you another job.

Just give me
a couple of days.

I don't have a couple
of days. I need money
for rent and food.

Now what am I gonna do?

I'm sure there's
someone in Los Angeles

who needs someone
who is healthy
and young and strong.

I don't suppose you've
ever considered
professional football?

I've considered calling
my fiancee and telling him
exactly what's happened.

ANDY: Wait a minute.
I've got an idea.

I don't say you're
gonna like it, but,

how would you like
to come to work for us?

I would rather get in
a little sports car
and drive off a cliff.

I said I didn't think you'd
like it, but it would
at least pay your rent

and buy your iron
and steel or whatever
it is you eat.

I believe
you're serious.

Do you think that
I would work

for that bomb aimed at
the heart of America?

What bomb?
This bomb.

I've read it. I don't know
what's in your government
overthrowing mine,

but do you think that
I would work for a newspaper
that prints articles like, er,

uh, here,

"Recipe: 27 Ways
To Cook A Draft Card,
Served For Six."

Written from personal
experience, Mr. Hobart?

For your information,
I happen to have served

for two years in
the United States army,

where I was interpreter
for Brigadier General
Malcolm Halder.

In what country?

In this country.
That idiot could
hardly speak English.

My feelings about this
country run just as
deeply as yours.

But if you'll turn down
the national anthem
for a few minutes,

you'll be able to hear
what some of the people
are complaining about.

Well, I'm one of the people
and you're one of the things
I'm complaining about.

Unfortunately, you're not
in much of a position to
complain about anything.

Look, if you don't
work, you don't eat,

if you don't eat, you get
very skinny, you fall down
and then you're dead.

If you think your
boyfriend will be happy

living with a dead,
skinny lady,
that's his business.

Personally, I think you
ought to accept the meager
bread I'm offering you.

(CHUCKLING)

First, you take away
my loaf, then you offer
me meager bread.

Why does everything you
say sound like it came
out of the Bible?

Well, thank goodness
you've heard of the book.

Look, do you want
the job or don't you?

If you don't want the job,
I'll take it, because
I could use the money.

Unfortunately,
so could I.

And why do you want
me around here?

I hate you
and your friend.

I don't want you
around here.

That weirdo does.

And I'll do anything
to keep this newspaper
from going underwater.

That was an unfortunate
choice of phrase.

Okay, that's
your principle.

My principle is breathing,
eating and living like any
other animal on this earth.

So much for your
character references.

How about salary?
What did you
get at the Y?

$85 a week.

Well, Norman and I
both know how to swim.
I'll pay you 50.

For $50,
I'll come in early
and poison your coffee,

I want what I got
at the Y, $85.

So be it. You're hired.

Your hours will be
from 10:00 to 6:00.
Half a day on Saturday.

Can you type?
No.

Can you take shorthand?
No.

Can you do filing?
No.

Maybe you better
come in at 11:00.
Can you cook?

My cat seems
to think so.

Okay, you can make
lunches and pretend
to look busy.

You'll have two functions,
first, to keep out of
my way at all times,

second, to smile
at Norman as much
as humanly possible.

Yes, sir. The first
I will do with the
utmost dedication.

The second I will do
over my dead body.

Miss Cooper, it's
evident that you and I
haven't gotten along

since you came
to work here.

We're gonna have to try.
You need money.

I need that lovesick
Cocker Spaniel.

Now, I suggest you roll
up your lips and smile
so we can get to work.

Okay, I'll make my
bargain with the Devil,

I've never run
from a fight,
I'm ready to go to work.

Am I supposed
to shake that?

You're supposed
to put $85 in it.

We pay at the
end of the week.
Company policy.

Then I'll start at
the end of the week.
I don't trust your policy.

All right.
Wait a minute.

(COINS RATTLING)

Here's your first week's
salary in pennies,

minus federal withholding
tax and social security.

(AIRPLANE ENGINE ROARING)

You're doing
incredibly well

for a woman who only
got a flying license
three hours ago.

I just think we
made a mistake
having lunch first.

(SCREAMING) Oh, no!

This is gonna
make me sick.

No, no! I am too young.

Roll over!

Mrs. MacKaninee!

Slow down.
We're gonna crash!

Pull it back!

Put, put the brake!
Quick!

Please don't put it
in the bridge!

No! (SCREAMING)

(INDISTINCT SCREAMING)

Ubiquitous,
please. Under "U."

Under me what?

(LAUGHING)
Under the letter "U."

Ubiquitous.
U-B-I-Q-U-I-T-O-U-S.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Will you stop ringing
that bell. I'm not a cow.

Well, you don't like it
when I call you Amy.

I'm an employee here.
My name is Miss Cooper.

What is it, Mr. Cornell?

NORMAN: What's for lunch,
Miss Cooper?

Banana fritters,
Mr. Cornell.
Do you like them?

I love them.
What are they?

Fritters made with bananas.

You notice how I've
calmed down since
you came to work here?

I don't know how
I ever got along
without a secretary.

Oh, your apron's slipping.
Let me help you with that.

(DISHES RATTLING)

You try that with
your fingers again,

you're going to have
to learn to type
with your nose.

Your apron was slipping.
Don't be angry.

Don't be mad at me.

I'm going back
to work. See? See,
I'm working again.

You just keep
away from me.

Especially when I'm
looking in the oven
and got my back turned!

Forgive me.
For what? I love it.

(SPITTING)

Are you crazy?
You want to give
me a heart attack?

Don't ever sneak up
on me like that again.

I didn't want to
disturb you. Are you
alone, or is flipper here?

Shh! In the kitchen.

I thought you were
gonna be gone all day.

I was almost
gone forever.

We ran out of gas
and made a forced
landing on a bridge.

First time in
history an airplane
ever paid a toll.

Hey, this is good,
Norman. Really good.

Take it inside and
read it. I can't work
with you in here.

It's better than good.
It's brilliant.

You must have been
inspired, Norman.

Here's your lunch.
Eat it while it's hot.

It'll drop.
Just give it time.
Here it comes.

Here's a fork.
You want a knife?

Scissors will
be all right.

If that's all, I'd
like to go home
and feed my cat.

He can have mine.
I'm not that hungry.

I'll be back at 2:00.

Could you just
vacuum the rug
before you leave?

I can't work with
an un-vacuumed rug.

Where's the vacuum?

In the service porch.

Wait. It's heavy.
I'll help.

AMY: Ouch!
(CRASHING)

NORMAN: I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

This time I'm
pressing charges.

ANDY: What happened?
Where is he?

AMY: Under the
vacuum cleaner.

What did you do?
I bit her earlobe.

It was dangling right
in front of my mouth.

What did you want me
to do? Ignore it?

Miss Cooper,
Miss Cooper,
wait a minute.

Tell her I'm sorry.

Please come back.
He didn't mean it.

$90. I'll raise your
salary to $90 a week.

She's coming back.

Just square me with
her this last time.
I'll never ask you again.

This has got
to stop, Norman.

She's becoming
one of the highest priced
secretaries in America

and she can't
even type.

Tell her I've been
working under
a great strain lately.

Help me, Andy.
Help me.

Go get a bottle
of muscatel.

We're gonna have
a little office party
when you get back.

You gotta learn to
relax around here.

You're a good person, Andy.
If I ever win the Pulitzer
Prize, it's all yours.

Amy, I would just
like to say that I...
Blah blah blah.

Where's my $5 raise?

You'll be drinking it
in a few minutes.

I knew I shouldn't
have trusted you.

ANDY: I thought you
never run from a fight.

I don't. I just had one
on the service porch.

My ears are pierced
now, and I don't
even wear earrings.

I should have known
you wouldn't have the
guts to stick it out.

Stick it out? I've been
smiling at that idiot
for three days.

You see that?
I've been doing
that since Tuesday.

Well, cut it out. You
look like a demented
ventriloquist.

It was not my stupid idea,
it was your stupid idea.

Well, it's a smart
stupid idea
because it's working.

It's working for you.
You're getting a newspaper.

I'm getting little
holes in my ears.

I happen to be paying
through the nose for those
little holes in your ears.

It won't happen again.

Now, I have 30 pages
to edit. I'd like a
little quiet, please.

You won't know I'm here
cause I won't be here.

You'll be here because
I'm paying you to be here,

and he's coming back
in 10 minutes and
he wants you here.

Then here I will be.

This is not
the Christian
Science Reading Room,

it's an office and
there's work to be done.

Then do it.
I'm talking about you.

You want me to type
a letter. I can have it
a year from February.

You can sharpen some
pencils and be quiet.

Yes, boss man.

(PENCIL SHARPENER WHIRRING)

What are you doing?
What you told me to do.

Thank you. I now
have a ballpoint pen
without a ballpoint.

You see this?
I see it.

Knowing your minuscule
frame of reference,

let me tell you that
it is not a dead
chicken on a stick.

It is a
feather duster.

By that I do not
mean that you dust
feathers with it.

You hold it at this
end and you flick it
against furniture.

Thus dusting it.
You think you
can do that?

Lefty or righty?

If you'd like you can
stick it in your pierced
ear and shake your head.

Just clean the
room and be quiet.

Yes, sir.

I'm think I'm getting
the hang of this now.

I think I am.

(HUMMING)

You're not going
to sing the second
chorus, are you?

I just work here,
I do what I'm told.

(HUMMING)

All right. All right!

Fifty addressed
envelopes, 50 stamps.

You got a tongue.
Don't talk. Lick.

Are these announcements
for next week's cell
meeting, comrade?

No. Actually they're
very thin bombs.
You just add water.

I get the impression
that you don't approve
of me as a person.

If that's what you are,
that's why I don't.

Well, your opinions
on anything

have as much
practical value as
a 1939 calendar.

I'm not paying $90
a week to listen to
a limited vocabulary.

Be quiet
and lick the stamps.
I'm a busy man.

So was John Wilkes
Booth the night he
assassinated Lincoln.

Are you implying
that I was in on
the Lincoln job?

If the shoe fits,
Mr. Hobart.

Sorry, that night,
I was in Philadelphia,
cracking the liberty bell.

I can't concentrate
in front of a
military tribunal.

Can't face
the truth, huh?

Ugh. Can my tongue rest?
The well has dried up.

Look, if you're
unhappy here,

why don't you take a job
as a night watchman,

swimming around the
Statue of Liberty,

checking to see if
the torch went out.

"The upholders of justice

"have always been
the scapegoat of
the enemies of freedom."

You know where
I read that?

On the back of
a Patrick Henry
bubble gum card?

In Speeches of Socrates.
Have you read the
Speeches of Socrates?

I'm waiting for the
paperback to come out.

It's out, that's
where I read it.

You'd be shocked to know
the amount of political
literature that I have read.

I would strongly
doubt that you got
into anything deeper

than the names
and addresses of the girls
in the Miss America contest.

And I'm sure if it was
left up to a traitor like you,

no one would win the
Miss America contest.

You're right.
I think a parade of
pretty girls is fine,

but listening to
Miss North Dakota
singing an aria

from The Barber of Seville
in the Key of M,

while baking an
upside down
seven-layer cake

in a hoop skirt she
hooped herself is
beyond human endurance.

You're deliberately
distracting me

from working on
my newspaper,
aren't you?

Each citizen must
do what he can.

I'm going in the
bedroom to work.

All right, will
you just tell me,

is there anything
about this country
you do like?

I like almost everything
about this country,

except people who like
absolutely everything
about this country.

Why don't you
answer my question?

Why don't you
question my answer?

Why don't you talk
like a person so
I can understand

which are the questions,
and which are the answers?

Would it be all right if
I worked in your room?

It would not.

If there's going
to be a fight,

let's draw the
battle lines on the
field of the aggressor.

And don't bother
guessing who said that.
I made it up myself.

I had it narrowed
down to you and
Winston Churchill.

Oh, for your
information,

did you know that
Winston Churchill's mother

was born here in
the United States
in Brooklyn?

You'd never know it
from the way he talked.

Look, why don't you take
the rest of the day off.
Take the week off.

I'm not leaving here
until you admit

you're snide, smug
and narrow-minded.

Will you settle
for belligerent?

I will accept deceitful
and treacherous.

Okay. I am deceitful
and treacherous.

And you are provincial,
old-fashioned,
antiquated,

unrealistic, unimaginative,
unenlightened, uninformed,

and unbelievably
unable to understand

anything that
isn't underwater.

Your big trouble in life
is that you were born
195 years too late.

You should have
been at Bunker Hill,

loading muskets,
raising flags,

and waiting for the
British to show up with
the whites of their eyes.

Well, you may
be shocked to learn
that this is the 1970s

and this country
has a whole new
set of problems,

but you wouldn't
know about that

because I don't think
you're a real person
of flesh and blood

with feelings
and sensitivities.

I don't think you could
be capable of having
a genuine emotional attachment

for another human being
unless it was first
passed by Congress,

and amended to
the Constitution,

and painted red,
white, and blue.

If you have been
listening carefully,
Miss Cooper,

I have just
made a point.

Okay, you want
to make points?

Then I'm gonna make one.

I'm going to make
the biggest point
you ever heard.

Yeah, well, when
you get to it, raise
your hand, will you?

It's hard to tell.

Oh, you'll know when
I make it. Only, you're
not gonna like it.

Are you listening?

With one ear. That's
all I need with you.

Then here goes.
I don't like you for a
whole lot of reasons,

but the main reason
I don't like you,

is that I'm engaged to a
very, very nice young man,

and in a few weeks we're
supposed to be married,

but for some
insane reason,

that only
a staff of Hungarian
psychoanalysts could explain,

and here comes the part
I was telling you about,

I have suddenly discovered
that I'm physically
attracted to you.

Now, how do you like
that for a point?

Did you hear
what I said?

I heard it, I,
I heard what you said.

Well, how do you
like them apples?

Those apples.

Them apples. How
do you like 'em?

Are you serious?

Well, of course
I'm serious.

There is something about
your physical appearance
that appeals to me,

and I'm as repulsed
by it as you are.

ANDY: You
couldn't possibly be.

There's no earthly
reason why I should
like anything about you,

and I don't, but I do.
Now what are we
gonna do about it?

If you're looking for another
boost in salary, this is
not the way to get it.

What do you mean
you're physically
attracted to me?

You want a complete
rundown? Arms, legs,
hair and teeth.

Okay, get a pencil
and paper. We'll take
it item for item.

I mean, you like
the way I look?

Not terribly.

You like the way I walk?

AMY: Not really.

You like the
way I dress?

AMY: Not remotely.

Then what do you like?

I like the way you smell.

Oh, Amy, Amy, Amy!

And don't call me
"Amy, Amy, Amy."

I may be attracted to you,
but I still don't like you.

You're the most
irritating, nauseating
man I've ever met.

And if you tried
to kiss me right now,
I wouldn't stop you.

You wanna work on
that for a while?

No, I think
I need outside help.

I suppose you want to
know what started it all.

No, I don't.
Yes, you do.

Yes, I do.

What started it all?

It was your
gray eyelashes.

I've never met a man
in your age bracket
with gray eyelashes.

And I think it's dumb
to have gray eyelashes,

but I'm glad
you have them.

Now, can I ask
you a question?

I'm afraid to
hear what it is.

Do you have any
desire whatsoever
to touch me?

What does that mean?

Which is the part
you don't understand,
desire or touching?

I understand both parts.

I just never thought
about it, that's all.

Well, think about it.

Time's up. Do you want
to touch me or don't you?

You've been spiking
your fritters with
bourbon, haven't you?

I'm being honest
with my emotions

because that's the only way
I know how to deal with them.

The plain,
disgusting truth is,

I would like to stand
very close to you

and feel your breath
somewhere on my neck.

You shouldn't
tell me that.

I know it but
it just comes out.

Is there any possibility
of your having the same
disgusting feeling for me?

Well, if I did,
it wouldn't
be disgusting

and if it was disgusting,
I wouldn't have the feeling.

I don't think I got that,
but touche anyway.

And stop following
me around the room.

I'm not following you.
You're running from me.

I'm running because
you're following.
Stay over there.

I can't smell you
from over here.

What am I gonna
do with you?

I just gave you
a suggestion.
You didn't do it.

Listen you, for an
all-American girl

with a complete set
of Eagle Scout principles,

how do you explain
being engaged to one man

and attracted to another?

Very simple explanation.
I can't explain it.

Well, what about
your fiancee?

He can't explain
it, either.

ANDY: You mean
you told him?

Well, of course
I told him.
We're engaged.

I'm afraid to hear
what his reaction was.

(LAUGHING)
Well, you may well fear.
He wants to kill you.

Why me?
What did I do?

Well, what did I do when
that lunatic and his duck
chased me all over the YWCA?

It's nobody's fault,
it's just something
that happened.

Yeah, well,
make it un-happen.

I can't swim faster than
the UCLA swimming team.

I'm trying just
as hard as I can
to make it un-happen.

The minute you do
anything I find
physically repulsive,

we'll all be
a lot better off.

I liked it. We're
in big trouble.

What do you mean,
"We're in big trouble?"

I'm the one
who's in big trouble.

Are you just
gonna yell at me

or you're gonna
do something
about our predicament?

I'm going to yell at you.

You're gonna ruin
everything I've worked
for in my entire life.

Why don't you go
back in the ocean
where you belong

with the rest
of the fish.

What are you
smiling about?

I like it when
you yell at me.

Well, I don't care
what you would like.
What are we gonna do?

Well, how
should I know?

But until we think of
something, why don't
you kiss me again?

You know, you are,
without a doubt,
the most...

Hey.

I don't suppose you
two have had time
to chill the glasses.

Fink!

(CAT MEOWING)

Buster?

(CAT MEOWING)

Buster, where
are you?

Buster.

Come here.

I want to get out of here
just as badly as you do.

Got you now, sonny.

Mr. Karlson, I was just
on my way to your shop.

My shop is north and
you were walking south.

I have this terrible
sense of direction.

How's your
sense of pain?

Acute. Very acute.

Well, we're not
gonna test it yet,

just gonna demonstrate
what's in the future.

Now, Lem weighs
230 pounds.

Roy, 250.

Lem is gonna
show you what Roy
is going to do to you

if we don't get
our money today.

Lem?

(GROANING)

Now, an ordinary person
would be dead from either
one of them blows,

but Roy is not
an ordinary person.

Roy is an
extraordinary person.

You, on the other hand,
are an ordinary person.

Now, at 3:00
this afternoon, we will
appear in your office.

If we don't have our
money in our hand,

Lem and Roy are
gonna turn you from
an ordinary person

into a former
ordinary person.

Show him again, Lem.

(GROANING)

Railway express will
pick up my steamer
trunk in the morning.

I happen to think
you're making a big
mistake, Norman.

I've only made two
mistakes in my entire life.

One was trusting you as my
friend and the other was
going out for the muscatel.

ANDY: Norman,
I've known you
for eight years.

Can you ever remember
me lying to you once
in all those years?

Yes. I've known you
for nine years.

All right. Nine years.

I don't care what
you saw yesterday.
I'm telling you the truth.

I cannot abide that girl

and she finds me snide,
smug and repulsive.

I see. And I walked in
just as she was sinking
her teeth into your throat?

And you were
fighting off the
attack with your mouth.

No. She was kissing me.

Kissing you? You're a
foot taller than she is
and you can't stand her.

So, the way I see
it, the only way she
could have kissed you

against your wishes
is for her to
have 19-inch lips.

And I just
don't buy that.

I don't care what
you're buying,

I did not make an
overt act toward her.

In other words,
she was the one
who did the overting?

Correct.
Why?

That's beside
the point.

Oh, I think not.
Why did she overt you
right on the mouth?

You're gonna laugh.
Try me.

She likes
the way I smell.

It is now 2:30.
I will be hysterical
until 3:15.

Oh, what's so insane
about it? You like
the way she smells.

How can you even
mention the two smells
in the same breath?

Norman, do you
mean to tell me

that after eight or nine
years of a personal
meaningful relationship,

you would let that
flag-waving sea urchin
come between us?

I can live with a slob,
a sadist, a forger
or a junkie,

I draw the line at finks.

What about
the Nitty Gritty?

You can have my half
of the bankruptcy.

You hypocrite,
you pretended
to be dedicated

to an idea that we've
literally starved for

and you can blindly
toss it all aside

because we're suddenly
embroiled in a
romantic triangle?

You, me, the girl,
and the boyfriend
is not a triangle.

It's a quadrangle.
You can't add.

No wonder we
never made a cent.

And what do you
think you're gonna do
once you leave here?

In exactly 30 minutes,
I have an interview
for a job with the AP.

Working at the
check-out counter?

Not the A&P,
you idiot. The AP,
the Associated Press.

Doing what?

I'm a writer.
They'll pay me for writing,

just as I imagine
you'll make your
living by finking.

A writer? Without me to
push you and prod you
and encourage you,

you couldn't hold down
a job writing Rhode
Island license plates.

No? YZ-895,

and there are plenty
more ideas where
that one came from.

All right, Norman.
So we don't get along.

Gilbert and Sullivan
didn't speak to each
other for 14 years

and they wrote
23 operettas together.

Gilbert never walked in
and caught Sullivan kissing
poor little Buttercup.

All right, Norman.
All right.

If I have to fight
for my newspaper,
then I'll fight.

You're joking, surely.
Surely not.

Andy, I'm warning you.
I'm not wiry, but I'm thin.
I'll slice you to ribbons.

I've already faced death
with our daredevil
landlady pilot.

I'm not afraid
of a skinny typist.

What's that
supposed to be?

What does it look like?
It's a sit-in.

If you don't get up from
that sit-in, you're gonna
see a punch down.

Is that your answer
to passive resistance?

No. My answer to
passive resistance
is active kicking.

Get up. What do you
think you're doing?

The same as they did
in Bombay in 1947,

when 12,000 Indians
threw themselves across
15 miles of railroad track.

Well, Charlie, in 30
seconds, the 3:15
is coming through.

Thou shalt
not pass.

Thou shalt bleed
from both ears.

I mean, you'd hit a
man who wouldn't raise
his arms in defense?

Actually, I prefer
it that way.

Norman, don't you see?
If you go over
to their side,

it's the end of free
creative thinking.

They'll have you writing
shipping reports
and weather news.

In two minutes, I'll bring in
my first story, about a dead
man leaning against a door.

All right, Norman,
I had hoped to
avoid violence,

but you leave me
no recourse.

The pain I am about
to inflict is done
purely on request.

Do you mean it's your
intention to actually
come to blows?

Hard hitting
and everything?

My first right on
your deviated septum.

Knowing full well
that on July 15th,

I finish a three-year
correspondence course
on Oriental combat?

I intend
to compensate
by fighting dirty.

Okay, Andy, as long
as you know the score.

I've been waiting
six months to try this
in a real-life situation.

I had hoped
my first victim
would be a mugger,

but you'll
do nicely.
(TAPPING)

By the way,
it is my legal obligation
to warn you

that karate may be
hazardous to your health.

And let me warn you
that I have never
once in my life

struck another human
being in anger.

I don't want to kill you,
but I have no idea
how strong I am.

If you feel
yourself dying,
just speak up.

(STRAINED GRUNTING)

Sooot.

Sooot.

Anytime you're ready.

Ha! Is that the way
you're gonna stand?

You won't last
10 seconds.

Is it your intention
to weaken me first
with laughter?

When you're able
to talk again,

you can teach me
the right way.

Can I show you
the four basic
positions?

I'm still gonna
break your neck,

but at least
you'll look better.
(GROWLING)

This is ridiculous.

(GRUNTING)

You have no
defense at all.

I'm not even
enjoying this.

You want entertainment,
turn on the TV.

You want to fight,
come and get me.

I want to fight!

(GRUNTING)

If you're gonna do that
why don't you put on those
big white bloomers

like the
Japanese wear?

You must be out
of your mind.

Don't you realize
this is a lethal
weapon?

This hand
is trained
to kill.

Once I start
it in motion,

it can't
be stopped.

It's no longer
a hand.

It's a mad
half-crazed killer.

(GROWLING)

All right, I'm through
toying with you.

I'm going to
give you one chop.

Then I have to go.

(BOTH SHOUTING)

Damn it, Andy,
why don't you stand
and fight like a man?

Cause I'm afraid,
that's why.

Isn't that
what I told you
before we started?

Not of you,
of myself.

I am so seething,
so fed up of your
monumental stupidity

and infantile
behavior

that if I get within
two inches of you,

I swear by everything
I believe in this world,

I'll crack
your empty head
wide-open!

Then you better do it
to me before I do it to you!

All right, damn it!
Here!

Ow!
Oh, God!

My arm! My arm!
(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Are you all right?
Leave me alone.

Why don't you watch
where you're hitting?

In karate you hit
the neck and the kidneys,
not the arm!

Oh, damn!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
What's the matter?

You broke
my Timex watch.

Let me see.
(SHRIEKING)
It's broken!

There's nothing
to see.

It was my good
watch, too.
I'm sorry.

I just had
it cleaned

and put in
a new crystal.

Why didn't you
take the watch off first?

Because I didn't
expect to get hit
on the wrist.

I told you you didn't
know what you're doing.

I don't wanna fight anymore.
I'm going.

For good?
For good.

I don't like
you anymore.

I swear to God,
I really don't.

All right, Norman,
if that's the way
you feel about it,

I wish you
the best of luck.

I really loved
this watch, too.

So, this is the end
of the Nitty Gritty.

You got to admit
for a while we had
a good thing going here.

If I knew what
time it was,

I'd hang around
another 10 minutes
and watch you cry.

Oh, you don't think
I'm sincere about
our friendship?

For this newspaper,
you would sell
your own mother!

Coincidentally,
no one has seen
for three years.

Norman, believe me
when I say,

that I would rather have
a handshake from you
right now

than the
Pulitzer Prize.

What's the matter?

I'm afraid you're gonna
grab me and handcuff me
to the railing.

(SIGHING)
(CHUCKING)

Good-bye, Norman.
Good-bye, Andy.

(LOCKING HANDCUFFS)
Hey! What do you
think you're doing?

Hey!

(GIGGLING)

You fink!

You ratfink fink!

I even have to write
your lousy ideas!

That one was my own,
sweetheart.

I heard you on the phone
this morning with the AP.

Now, you have one more
article to complete,
Norman.

We're down to
the finish line.

Mr. Karlson's
two Neanderthal sons

will be here at 3:00
to pick up their $230.

I can borrow the money
from Mrs. MacKaninee

but not unless you have
the next issue
ready to roll.

It's up to you, Norman.

Do I get my newspaper,
or do the Karlsons get you?

You mean,
you're serious?

You actually intend
in real life

to keep a living human being
chained to a railing?

Until tomorrow,
when the police find

an unidentified
broken object
dangling from a post.

All right, Andy.

I'm in no mood
for the Prisoner of Zenda!

Open up!

Not unless I see
some creative paperwork.

Andy, I have
claustrophobia!

I'll go insane!
Open up!

Where are
you going?
I'm hungry.

I feel like a tiny
kumquat sandwich.

(STRUGGLING)

Help! Help!

I'm being held prisoner!

Mrs. Fleigelman!

Mrs. Fleigelman,
you want to make
a dollar?

Oh.

(CAT MEOWING)

Buster, you wait here.

I'm going to make
my final good-byes.

12 minutes,
old boy.
Ha!

There have been cases
of wild animals
caught in traps

who have chewed
their paw off to escape.

If I'm not out
in two minutes,

I'll gonna chew
my paw off!

Please, not
when I'm eating.

(EXCLAIMING)

Don't you ever
bother knocking?
(EXHALING DEEPLY)

It won't happen again,
and that's for sure.

Amy. Amy, thank goodness
you're here.

He's gone crazy!

Look what he's done to me,
chained me like an animal.

That won't be
necessary anymore.

My bus leaves
for Cypress Gardens
in 15 minutes.

I froze some
fritters for you

and sharpened
the pencils.

Since I only put in
a three-day week,

I believe I owe you
some money.

Amy, you don't have to leave
because of me.

I'm not gonna
bother you anymore.

I didn't even smell you
coming in here.

I'm not leaving
because of you, Norman,

and I don't blame you
for the crazy way
you've been acting lately.

I understand it now.

There's some things
we just can't control.

For no reason at all,
something strange
and mystified hits us,

and there's nothing
we can do about it

except just sit and wait
and hope it goes away

just as fast
as it came.

Unfortunately,
I don't see mine

going away in the
foreseeable future,

and since there doesn't seem
to be any future

and I'm getting
on the bus to
Cypress Gardens

and, um, I can't
say another word,

or I'll just start crying
all over this floor

I just cleaned
this morning.

Miss Cooper, wait.

I am in great
physical pain.

You've just cracked my mouth
when you opened the door,

and I have
a disfigured wrist

from a misguided
karate chop.

But I just want you
to know that I'm sorry.

Sorry that some of us
react to certain stimuli
and others of us don't.

However, I wish to cause you
no embarrassment or hardship.

Starting tomorrow,
I may be running
this newspaper by myself.

If you like,
you can stay on.

At half salary.

You expect me to stay here

with me feeling
the way I feel

and you feeling
the way you don't?

AMY: (SIGHING) Mr. Hobart,

if I wasn't afraid
I'd miss my bus,

I'd really
tell you something.

Do you
have the time?

I don't even
have a crystal.

Well, I'll
tell you anyway.

You're right.

I may be provincial
and old-fashioned.

I may believe in a lot
of dead things

like patriotism
and the Constitution

because that's the dumb way
I was brought up,

and that's the
dumb way I feel.

The trouble with you is,
you can't feel at all.

You can't feel,
you can't see,

you can't hear,

and, oh, boy,
you can't smell!

All you can do is think!

But until you can
learn to use

all those wonderful gadgets
that nature's given you,

you're only one fifth
of a man.

And unfortunately,

by the time you get
them all working

and realize that
you're crazy in love
with me,

I'll be back in the
Cypress Gardens

high school gymnasium
getting ready for
next year's Olympics.

And next year
I'm gonna swim

the United States
right into a gold medal.

This time I'm gonna
beat the living nose plugs

off that little fat girl
from the desert!

As for you, Mr. Hobart,

I suggest
you take those pennies

and go get
your gadgets fixed.

Go visit an eye, ear,
nose, and throat man.

Oh, and maybe you ought to
see a dentist, too.

Because my former fiancee,
not too happy with
recent turn of events,

is on his way over here

to separate your teeth
from your face.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
That's something I wish
I could stay to see,

but I can't, so I'm not,
so good-bye.

Now you're
going to get it!

Now, you'll first get it.
(HANDCUFFS RATTLING)

Shut up, Norman.

You hear what
she said?

The Yanks are coming.
It's teeth-separation time.

I'm glad I'm chained
to a railing,

because I wouldn't
miss this for anything.

I'm not gonna warn you
again, Norman.

You cretin-head!

The girl is nuts about you,
and you stand there
threatening me?

She's going back
to Cypress Gardens,

and you may never
see her again.

I'll see her again.
When?

In 1976,

because I guarantee
she's the next president
of the United States.

Norman, I've had
just about enough of you.

Every man has
his breaking point,

and my point
just broke.

What are you
going to do?
Murder.

I'm going to commit
cold-blooded murder

(HANDCUFFS CLICKING)
right here
in this room.

I'm gonna kill
the only thing
in this world

that really means
anything to me,
my newspaper.

There. Go on.
You're free.

Now, get out of here
and let me bury the body.

Maybe you were
both right.

Maybe I am crazy.

Maybe it was insane
to try and hold on
to one tiny,

not very important,
insignificant voice
in the wilderness

against such
overwhelming odds

as a girl-smelling
mental case

and a wet-backed
Martha Washington.

I'm sure she'll be
very happy now.

America is safe tonight.

In tribute, tomorrow
Baskin-Robbins will add
another flavor.

She's won.
Don't you see that?

Divide and conquer.
That's the way they do it.

The war's over, Norman,
and we've surrendered.

In reparations,

she gets the Free City
of Danzig,

the Polish corridor,
three outfielders,

two turtle doves
and a lousy partridge
in a lousy pear tree.

Well, we can't always have
what we want.

You were in such a
hurry to go. Then go!

One thing you were
right about, Andy...

Physical attraction
isn't enough.

It's like chewing gum,

it starts off great,
but the flavor
doesn't last.

That's why they put
five sticks in a pack.

Before I leave,

I just want to say
that maybe someday,

I don't know when,

we'll be able to forget
our differences,

forget what's happened here
the last few days,

forget everything.

And when I do,
maybe someday
I'll be back.

I hope so, Norman.

So long.

So long, Andy.

I forgot everything!
I'm back!

What took you so long?
I got stuck in traffic!

Are you sorry for all the
nasty, mean, rotten
things you said to me?

Do you take it
all back?
Not for a second.

Okay, that's good
enough for me.

Hey, were you really
gonna give up
the newspaper?

Certainly, I was going
to marry Mrs. MacKaninee

and open the only
discotheque funeral parlor
in California.

(LAUGHING)

Norman!

It's ten minutes to three. Are
you going back to work?

Dedicated.
Never has anyone ever
been so dedicated.

You promise me
you'll never go off
the deep end

over a girl
like that again?
No more deep ends.

You won't get up
from that chair
until you finish.

My fingers are glued
to the keys!

Nitty Gritty, forever!
Forever, Nitty Gritty!

No distractions?
No distractions.

No interruptions?
No interruptions.

No matter how much
the smell in here
is driving you crazy?

No matter how much...

What smell?

What do you mean
what smell?
Her smell. Amy.

I don't smell Amy.

What, are you crazy?
How can you not smell it.
It's all over the room.

This room?

Of course,
this room!

She was just in here,
wasn't she?

I know the difference
between a room smell
and an Amy smell

and this is definitely...

What's happened to me?

Want me to chain you
to the railing?

It's not possible.
These things don't
happen to me.

You may have been
second in your class
at Berkeley,

but I was first.

It's just
physical attraction,
it won't last.

It's for
hippopotamuses.
I know that, damn it!

Then what are you
screaming for?

Because I'm
standing here
talking to you

when my hippopotamus
is getting on a bus!

Miss Cooper!
Miss Cooper!

Amy...

(TSKING) There's no
possibility it could last.

Wait till he tastes
the banana fritters.

Is that you,
Mr. Karlson?

KARLSON: It's us, sonny.

(CHUCKLING)
Come for your money,
Mr. Karlson?

Come for our
money, sonny.

Which you would
like right now.

Which we're gonna
get right now.

Otherwise...

Show him what's
otherwise, Lem.

(PARTS CLATTERING)

Mrs. MacKaninee.

(SCREAMING)
Mrs. MacKaninee!

Miss Cooper!

Miss Cooper!

Amy!

I thought you never
run from a fight.

I'm not running.
I'm riding.

You're running.

Why don't you come back
and fight like a man?

Because I'm not a man,
I'm a girl.

And I'm running
because you don't think
that's what I am.

Well, come back
and fight like a man
and act like a girl,

or fight like a girl
and act like a man.

I don't care which way.
Just so long as you
come back.

Why?

You just tell me why.

Because I like
the way you smell!

Full salary?

No salary.

Share and share alike.

That's fine with me.

You start at 8:00
and quit at 7:00.

That's fine with me.

I want the pencils sharpened
and the papers stacked.

That's fine with me.

I want the books dusted,
the floors mopped,

and when I say hot coffee,
I mean hot coffee.

That's fine with me.

Now, get off that bus
so you and I can
start ripping apart

the degenerating
American way of life!

That's fine with me.

(BUZZING)
ANDY: Amy!

Mr. Hobart.

Mr. Hobart,
where are you going?

I never drove
one of these before.

How do you
make it stop?
(HORN HONKING)

Mr. Hobart, wait!

ANDY: Get out of the way!
You're on the wrong side
of the road!

Amy!

NORMAN: Mrs. MacKaninee,
no, please.

I'd rather not
go out there.

You go.
You go, please.

Check it out for me.

Mrs. MacKaninee.
Look at me.
It's important.

I'm Norman,
not Andy.

I love typewriters
and chairs in the indoors.

Outdoors,
I'm basically
a swimmer.

I don't know how
I'll ever pay you

for giving me that money,
Mrs. MacKaninee.

There's got to be
some other way.

And I feel that
between the two of us,

we can certainly work...
(SCREAMING) Help!

Andy, wherever you are,
help me!

Your hand,
Mrs. MacKaninee...

Your arm.
Give me your arm,
Mrs. MacKaninee, please.

(STUTTERS)
I care for you.

I have always...

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHING)
Help! Buddy!

Mrs. MacKaninee,
don't sneeze.

Whatever you do,
don't sneeze!