Star Spangled Girl (1971) - full transcript

It's a lot bigger

than I thought it would be.

MAN: Yes, ma'am.

It sure is pretty, though.

Isn't it?

MAN: Yes, ma'am!

Are you just visiting

Los Angeles

or are you gonna live here?

Don't know, ma'am.

If things don't work out

here better for me than

it did in New York,

I might just move on.

(GIGGLES)

Nitty Gritty , Mister?

Take your hands

off the car.

It's all here,

what's wrong

with this country.

You better open

your eyes man. It's all

going to be over soon.

Take your hands

off the car.

The hypocrisy,

the decadence,

the corruption,

it's all on

the Nitty Gritty, man.

I said, take your hands

off the car!

Plus two pages of photos

of a love-in in Big Sur.

Give me a copy, and

then take your hands

off the car.

Come on,

Norman. Call.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Yes? Yes.

Who?

Who you want?

Shapiro? No Shapiro here.

This is Hip Woo Laundry.

No Shapiro works here.

Yes, please.

I'd like this

by Thursday.

Starch?

No starch.

Look very clean.

(CHUCKLING) I rinsed them out,

but you can do it again.

And this is for the stuff

I brought in last week.

$2.60.

You do terrific work.

They always feel like

brand-new shirts to me.

(CHUCKLING)

(DOG BARKING IN THE DISTANCE)

(KNOCKING)

Hello.

Anyone here?

AMELIA COOPER:

Oh, hi! I hope I didn't

disturb you.

I'm Amelia Cooper from

Cypress Gardens, Florida.

I wrote you about

renting a room,

(CAT MEOWING)

and this is my cat, Buster.

(CASH REGISTER DINGING)

(WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

I'll be starting to work

in the morning at the YWCA,

and I wrote to you

in the letter,

I'm a swimming instructor.

I used to be

an underwater guide

at Cypress Gardens

but, uh, I'm really here

to train under

Dr. Fernley, UCLA.

He's the best swimming coach

in the country, you know,

and I'm going to have to

work awful hard

if I want to make

next year's Olympic team.

You interested in swimming

Mrs. MacKaninee?

Now look, if I talk

too much, you just tell me.

But I always think the way

to get to know people

is to talk

and I like

to get to know...

I'm in love.

(CASH REGISTER DINGING)

(BURPING)

Mrs. MacKaninee,

I know you think I'm

a very weird human being,

but did you just

walk by here with

a terrific-smelling person?

Not to say, you're not

a terrific smelling person,

but the person you were with

had an odor that is

particular and unique

to my own personal chemically

constructed needs.

See, all of us have

certain basic requirements

when it comes

to the opposite sex,

namely, small hands,

green eyes, large behinds.

Where is she,

Mrs. MacKaninee?

Who was she,

I'll sniff her out myself.

Can't you give me a break?

I don't need a bag.

51 cents, please.

Thank you.

(CARTON RATTLING)

(MRS. MACKANINEE WHISTLING)

Oh, good. Mrs. MacKaninee,

you're in.

I was looking for you.

ANDY HOBART: Uh,

listen I know the

rent is due today

and I have every

intention of paying.

Now I know I've given you

lots of phony excuses

in the past,

but this one

is really legitimate.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

My father,

as you know,

who hasn't been well,

got better,

but is not well again.

Please, MacKaninee,

I don't want to dance.

I want to explain

about my sick father.

You see,

he had this terrible pain

in his side and...

Mrs. MacKaninee, please,

can I at least lead?

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Norman!

I'm home.

I hope you're working,

because I just sold

my soul for this newspaper.

Norman!

All right, Norman.

Where the hell are you?

NORMAN: (ON RECORDER)

Temper, temper. I'm out

relaxing for a few minutes.

I've been pounding

the typewriter for

eight consecutive hours.

I am now capable of

committing the perfect crime

because I no longer

have fingerprints.

Oh, Mr. Karlson called.

He says we owe him

$230 for printing bills.

He also said, if he doesn't

get his money by Saturday,

he's going to send his

two large sons over

to break our four skinny legs.

I told him

I'm just a writer and that

you take care of the bills,

so they're gonna

break your legs

and just sprain my ankle.

I hope you brought food

because I'm starving to death.

The next sound you hear

is my empty stomach gurgling.

(MAKES GURGLING SOUND)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hey, Martoni, how about

a little service?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(ITALIAN ACCENT)

Martoni's restaurant.

Hey, Martoni, how about

a little service?

(ITALIAN ACCENT)

Si, si. I'm a coming.

Eh, no, no, no, no.

It's no newspaper.

It's Italian restaurant.

I can keep this up

as long as you can,

Mr. Karlson.

Hey, where were

you so long?

Did you bring anything to eat?

I have five minutes to live.

Should I put

the dish on the floor,

or will you try and eat

like a normal person.

Nuts? Pickles? Raisins?

Don't you have

any imagination?

Get me some little

Budapest sausages

once in a while.

My job is to

keep you alive,

not happy.

If I'm not happy,

I don't write well.

If I don't write,

we don't eat well.

If we don't eat well,

I'm not happy.

Just finish your dinner

and go back to work.

Dinner? This is

emergency relief food.

Where do you see dinner?

What did you get

in the laundry today?

Uh, huh?

Oh, don't look at me

like that.

It's clean.

What do you want

for $2.60?

Dirty men's clothes.

Mr. Karlson called again.

Your life is in jeopardy.

I'll get the money.

You just get

the paper out.

Is there any mail?

In the waste paper basket.

Printing bills,

type writer repair bills,

electric bills, phone bills,

and a bill for

the waste paper basket.

Why is it everyone

in the world wants money?

So they don't have to

live like this.

And we owe the lady

at the pet-shop, 80 cents.

For what?

She gave me a haircut.

I would have

done it for 40.

I've gotta borrow

your jacket tonight.

Mrs. MacKaninee again?

I don't understand it.

What have you got

that I don't have?

An expendable body.

I'm giving myself

so your literature can live.

It's not that important.

I think my body

should be expended

once in a while.

You think it's such a thrill

to ride on the

back of a motorcycle

with a woman

who has gray roots

and blonde braids?

You think it's

a bigger thrill

sitting here alone

doing what I'm doing

and thinking about doing

what you're doing?

I'm not enjoying myself.

I'm doing it to

save us rent money.

All right, why don't you

marry her. We'll get

the place painted.

It's 5:00, Norman.

You've got a lot of work

ahead of you.

Promise me,

when you come home,

you'll wake me up

and tell me everything.

All right, Norman.

Don't say all right.

Say "I promise."

I want to hear

all the details.

I'm emotionally starved.

I'm alone a lot.

I need to be fed

twice a day with erotica.

If you're in

such bad shape,

take a few hours off,

go downtown, lie about

your age and see

an X-rated movie.

I'm not a voyeur,

I don't want to watch.

I either want

to hear or do.

Then, I'll wake you

up tonight and you'll hear.

I'd rather do.

Then do.

Call up a girl you know.

I don't like

the girls I know.

I only like

the girls you know.

Then call up a girl I know.

They don't like me.

They like you.

Even the girls

that I know like you.

Norman, believe me,

somewhere, someplace,

there's a girl

waiting for you.

Promise me.

I promise.

Nice-looking girl?

Terrific.

Good sense of humor?

Nice legs. Loves pizza

and cherry cokes?

That's her.

I feel a lot better.

I'm glad, Norman.

If you take her from me,

I'll kill you.

You have my permission.

Now I have to get dressed.

Type, Norman.

Let me hear typing.

And I just wanted to say hi

and let you know

that I'm glad

to meet you.

Well, bye.

(KNOCKING)

Excuse me. My name's

Amelia Cooper,

but most folks

call me Amy.

I just moved

into that bungalow

across the way

(CHUCKLING) Uh, I know

people in big cities

don't usually do this,

but I promised my folks,

I'd make my acquaintance

with my neighbors.

So, uh, I just want to say

it's a real pleasure

meeting you,

and, uh, I hope

to see you again

real soon.

Well, bye.

Did someone just come in?

Norman?

Did someone

just come in?

(SHOUTING) Norman!

What? What? No!

No one came in.

There's no one here.

Go back inside.

All right, Norman,

what's the matter?

There's nothing the matter.

Leave me alone.

Go back to your room.

Can't you see,

I'm busy working?

At the door?

I needed some air.

Why don't you

open the window?

I don't want fresh air.

I want plain air.

ANDY: All right, relax,

Norman. Relax.

(KNOCKING)

I don't hear that.

I don't hear

anyone at the door.

I heard a knock, Norman.

So you heard a knock.

People knock on doors

all the time.

That's no reason

to loiter here.

(KNOCKING)

Are you going

to answer that

or am I?

I'll answer it!

Stay away!

Oh, hi.

Excuse me again.

I was just unpacking,

my friends back home,

gave me this fruitcake.

But I don't really

like fruitcake.

It would be an insult

to them to throw it away.

So um, I would

appreciate it a lot,

if you would accept this

with my compliments,

and I hope you enjoy it.

Hi! Well, it was nice

seeing you again.

Bye.

Who's that?

Her name is Amy Cooper.

She just moved

into the bungalow

across the way.

She gave me a fruitcake

and hopes I enjoy it.

And I love her!

Wahoo! Did you see

what was standing there?

Did you see what

moved in next-door

to where I live?

Wahoo! Oh, it's for me!

All for me!

God loves me and he gave me

something wonderful!

Didn't I tell you

it would happen?

Did you smell her?

Did you waft her fragrance?

Did you open

your entire nose

and smell that girl?

No, I was in the bathroom.

I didn't smell that far.

(LAUGHING) Didn't smell

that far...

It's all over the room.

In 10 minutes, it will be

all over the neighborhood!

Tomorrow, they'll

start raising rents.

And you stay

away from her.

No contest.

She's not my type.

How do you know

what type she is?

She was here five seconds.

I only need three.

She's the old outdoor girl,

a lot of muscle

from the neck up.

Who cares what her IQ is?

I'm not giving out

scholarships.

I just want to smell her

and touch her.

All right, go ring

her doorbell

tell her you want to

smell her and touch her

and then go back to work.

Are you crazy?

Didn't you hear

the way she talked?

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)

I'm glad to make

your acquaintance.

She comes from

Rhett Butler country.

The only way to make it

with a girl like that

is with romance,

big gestures.

All right, go out

and burn down Atlanta.

She'll be crazy about you.

You think,

I wouldn't do it

if I could get to

nibble on her neck

for 10 minutes?

Talk to me.

Andy, help me.

I've got to plan this all

very carefully.

I mustn't jump into anything.

One wrong move,

I could blow

the entire love affair.

Flowers. What about flowers?

Flowers every morning.

Flowers twice a day.

No! No!

That's not big enough!

How about trees?

Maybe it shouldn't be big.

Maybe it should be small.

Something with thought,

something personal.

What can I do for her that's

very small and very personal?

How about

brushing her teeth?

Get out of here!

You have no soul!

You don't know how

to treat a girl like that.

ANDY: Personally,

I wouldn't try.

I got it. I got it.

I get a can of red paint

and paint outside

her door.

So when she comes

home at night,

she'll look on the ground,

and it'll say,

"I love you, Amy Cooper."

But she's already inside.

When she goes out,

it's gonna say,

"repooc yma ouy evol I."

Why do I bother

talking to you?

Why do I bother listening?

I don't want

any distractions, Norman.

You have work to do.

We have a paper

to get out here.

We don't get out this issue,

we don't get the money

to pay Karlson.

And if we don't pay

Mr. Karlson, we don't walk,

for the rest of our lives.

My brains compose

3% of the human body.

You want it, it's yours.

I've still got 97%

that needs

a little affection.

Now, get your nose

off my nose,

cause I have no intention

of smelling you,

when that girl

lives 12 feet away.

Now, move aside.

Buster? Here, Buster.

Come on, Buster.

It's dinner time.

Is there anything wrong?

Oh, hi.

I can't find my cat.

She's just nervous.

First time

in a new house.

Stay right there.

We'll look

for him together.

She likes me!

I can tell she likes me.

It's in her eyes,

her smile. You can't lie

about things like that.

That girl likes me!

Thank you.

(WHISTLING)

Buster.

Come on, Buster.

Come on, kitty, kitty.

Come to Norman.

Cats like me.

Most animals like me.

People like me too

but they have to

get to know me first.

In the beginning,

I seem very weird.

You seem very nice to me.

Not weird?

I haven't noticed

anything weird.

Well, if you do,

just remember, underneath it,

I'm very nice.

Buster. Come on, Buster.

Here, Buster.

Come on, boy.

(GIGGLING) Buster's a girl.

(CHUCKLING)

I just named her after

my favorite swimmer,

Buster Crabbe,

you remember,

he used to play

Tarzan in the movies.

Oh, he was a great

Olympic swimmer,

won three medals.

I'd settle for one,

next year.

You're gonna swim

in the Olympics?

Hey, that's terrific.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna

teach at the YWCA

during the day

and train at UCLA

at night.

I represented

the United States

in the last Olympics.

That's fabulous.

How did you do?

Oh, well,

I came in fifth.

Fifth is good.

I love fifth.

Fifth is my favorite

place in a race.

Well, it's not mine,

especially when there are

only four other countries

swimming against me.

I got this cramp in my leg

and finished behind Egypt.

I didn't know

they swam in Egypt.

Well, then you

can imagine how I feel

coming in six seconds

behind some girl who was

raised in the desert.

That's why this year

I'm going to get myself

in better condition,

I'm gonna watch

my diet, get ten hours

sleep at night,

and try not to get tense,

so I don't get

anymore cramps.

If a bird

so much as twitters

outside your window,

he's in trouble with me.

I'm sorry, I didn't even

catch your name.

I'm hoping

someday you will.

Norman. Norman Cornell.

(BUSTER MEOWING)

Buster?

Is that you?

Come on, Buster.

Kitty. Oh, Buster.

If you ever meet Andy,

that's the fellow

who lives with me,

don't get too friendly.

He is nice,

but he irritates people.

Gets 'em all tense.

I wouldn't want you

to get tense, a year

before the Olympics.

I don't see him in here.

Don't go.

It's such a

nice place to look.

(SNIFFING)

Mr. Cornell, uh, I don't

want to get personal,

but you have your nose

in my hair.

I'm sorry.

It just smells nice.

(SNIFFING) I'm not weird.

NORMAN: Please don't get

the impression I'm weird.

AMY: Ah, I do not think

you're weird, Mr. Cornell.

I just wish

you'd take your nose

out of my hair.

NORMAN: I will. I will.

You're a very attractive girl,

Miss Cooper,

and It's important for me

to know that you know

I think you're attractive.

Mr. Cornell,

I wish to continue

looking for my cat.

Just one more sniff!

That's not a weird

thing to ask, is it?

Oh...

There she is.

(MEOWING)

Oh, I'll get him.

I'll get him.

I don't want you to get tense.

(YELLING)

(LOUD MEOWING)

Ow!

Look at you!

That comes off.

You dip her in turpentine.

Otherwise, Buster

will lick it up.

(MEOWING)

Cats are always

cleaning themselves.

Oh! Ow...

Let me help you.

Mr. Cornell, you've

helped me enough.

You're a very sweet person,

but I'm getting

a little tense.

(SOBBING)

Oh, don't get tense.

I didn't mean anything.

I'm not weird.

You don't think,

I'm weird, do you?

I do not think

you're weird.

A little strange,

but not necessarily weird.

Oh, don't cry, Buster.

We'll get that off someday.

Good day, Mr. Cornell.

I'm getting to her.

I really think

I'm getting to her.

Norman?

How's it going?

Norman?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello. Oh, Mr. Karlson.

No, I couldn't call you back.

I'm alone here

and they haven't taken

the bandages

off my eyes, yet.

Didn't I tell you?

The doctor says my only chance

is to have the operation,

but it's gonna cost

the same amount

of money I owe you.

What do you

suggest I do?

A cane.

That's a very

good suggestion.

I'll get the money,

Mr. Karlson.

(DOOR OPENING)

Get that stuff

off the table!

Give me room.

Where have you

been, all day?

In love.

Don't talk to me now.

I'm busy.

ANDY: I looked

on the table, Norman.

There are no new pages.

I got plenty of time.

Three days.

Three days to complete

a whole issue.

I'm thinking all the time.

I got everything up here.

I don't want it up there!

I want it down there!

Don't coerce me.

I can't work

under coercion.

How about under

savage beating?

I've got a life's savings

and three years

tied up in this newspaper,

Norman, and I'm not

gonna see something

vital and good

and worthwhile,

go down the drain,

because you can't

think of anything

but that corn-fed

Minnie Mouse, next door.

What's in that package?

Groceries.

I steal the groceries.

That's for her, isn't it?

You bought it for her.

What's that?

It's none of your business.

It's private.

"United Nations

Gourmet Shoppe?"

They always have

a big sale before Lent.

Miniature watermelon?

Baby Siberian

herring fillets?

Tiny kumquats?

Who's coming for dinner?

A couple of midgets?

I had a yen

for some delicacies.

Delicacies?

You haven't eaten

anything fancier

than a banana and

a peanut butter sandwich,

since the day I met you.

$22?

You spent $22

for toy food?

Take it out of

my share of the profits.

Your share of profits

couldn't buy a banana and

a peanut butter sandwich.

Are you out of your mind?

I'm giving her a gift.

You gave

your mother a gift

on Mother's Day.

I gave her

a year's subscription

to our newspaper.

You hardly know this girl.

I know her!

I know her.

I know this person.

I know, she works

like a dog,

six days a week.

I watch her coming home

at night, tired, hungry.

A sweet, beautiful girl

coming home

night after night,

to nothing but canned

corned beef hash.

How do you know that?

I check her garbage

every afternoon.

All right, Norman.

Get a hold of yourself.

Get a hold of myself?

Are you kidding?

My functioning days

are over.

I've become an animal.

I've developed

senses no man

has ever used before.

I can smell the shampoo

on her hair,

three blocks away.

I turn my radio

up full blast,

I can still hear her

taking off her stockings.

Don't you understand?

She turns me on!

From my head to my toes,

I take one look at her,

and I light up.

This month alone,

my personal electric bill

will be over $200!

Are you telling me

that we have three days

to get out a newspaper,

and you've spent your time

buying pygmy cucumbers

for a girl with

strong shampoo?

Don't you understand

what I'm going through?

Don't you know what

physical attraction is?

Pure unadulterated

physical attraction.

I do.

What is it?

It's when one hippopotamus

likes another hippopotamus

with no questions asked.

Exactly.

It is now 5:30,

and my hippopotamus

will be home any minute.

Now stay out of the way.

All right. All right.

All right.

I'll put the kumquats

in the basket.

You finish the article.

Who are you,

Myles Standish?

I'll put my

own kumquats

in the basket.

A ribbon.

I need a red ribbon.

Do you have a red ribbon?

Do I have a red ribbon?

Either you have a red ribbon

or you don't?

If you have a red ribbon,

I'd like it

for my basket, please.

I'm an intelligent

grown person, Norman.

I'm not going to

stand here and discuss

red ribbons with you.

In other words,

you're not going to

give me your red ribbon?

That's right!

I have 12,000

red ribbons in my closet,

but I'm not gonna

give you one.

Get your own red ribbons.

That's one

I owe you, Andy.

From now on,

I'm keeping score.

(SNIFFING)

She's here.

She just walked

by the window.

It gets better

every day.

You're not gonna

give me your

red ribbon, right?

ANDY: Who do you

think I am?

Fannie Farmer?

That's two I owe you.

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

What are you doing?

Are you working?

Norman, sweetheart,

what are you writing?

"Adomis terra

amorta eternos."

What is that,

a prescription?

It's, "I worship the ground

you walk on" in Latin.

Now get out of my way,

or you get

Elberta peaches

in brandy right

between the eyes.

Norman, you have

three minutes to

deliver your care package!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

United Nations

Gourmet Shoppe.

(RINGING DOORBELL)

She's got it.

She's got the basket.

Mr. Karlson just called.

He's sending his boys over

to talk to us tomorrow.

You know how they talk,

with 40-pound tongues.

She's reading the note.

She's moving

her gorgeous lips

and reading the note.

She's looking over here.

(SLAMMING AGAINST DOOR)

Here she comes!

Clean the apartment!

Vacuum the rug! (BLOWING)

She's coming to my house!

I'm shaking.

Look at

my hand shaking!

If she loves the kumquats,

if she loves the note,

she's got

to love me, right?

Clean the apartment.

Open the door!

Where are you going?

To open the door.

Not yet.

I'm not ready.

I'll give it a nice

intellectual touch,

class it up.

Okay, open the door.

Open the door!

Open it.

Open it.

Excuse me.

Mr. Cornell,

I've tried to be friendly,

I have tried to be

neighborly and I have

tried to be cordial.

I don't know what

it is you're trying to be.

If it's helpful,

it's not helping.

My cat is still red

and slowly turning yellow.

I'm tired of seeing

my name linked with yours

on every empty building

between here and the YWCA.

And as for this,

I cannot accept gifts,

from a man I hardly know,

especially canned goods.

And I read your little note.

I can guess the gist of it,

even though

I don't speak Italian.

I come home tired,

hungry and nervous

every night,

Mr. Cornell, because

I hear you sniffing

through the window,

as I pass your bungalow.

(CRYING) I'm getting tense.

I don't sleep well.

And yesterday I took

the wrong bus,

it was heading for Mexico,

before I discovered it.

Now, what I'm saying,

Mr. Cornell,

and I don't won't

to have to say it again,

is please leave me alone!

Don't watch me!

Don't bother me!

And don't sniff me!

Is it all right

if I call you?

Oh, you are crackers,

you know that?

Did you know

your roommate

is crackers?

Yes, but I didn't know

the exact medical term.

Didn't you listen

to one solitary thing

I said to you?

Stop smelling me!

You tell him

to stop smelling me.

Norman,

stop smelling her.

I appreciate your

attention, Mr. Cornell,

and I'm very flattered,

but I'm also engaged

to a very nice,

very tall, very strong

member of the UCLA

swimming team.

That's why I came out here.

You heard that, didn't you?

I wasn't listening.

I'm trying to hear

your hair growing.

Ew. What's wrong with him?

Does he have aural trouble?

Oral trouble?

With his ears.

Hard of hearing.

Yes. He has very bad aurals.

You know, Mr. Cornell,

if I wanted to, I could

have you arrested.

Did you ever hear of

invasion of privacy?

Look at his

nostrils quivering.

He's smelling me again.

Do you want me

to hold his nose?

I'm sorry,

but a girl who

looks like you

shouldn't be allowed

to walk the streets.

This is a citizen's arrest.

Oh, now, please, keep away.

I'm going to have

my fiancee inflict him

with bodily harm.

Tell him that.

Norman, her boyfriend

is going to inflict your

body with harm.

Beatings, whippings,

flailings...

I welcome

anything from her.

My face is

at your disposal.

(STAMMERING)

Wait a minute. Now...

Are we on one of those

television programs

or something?

Is anyone

watching this now?

ANDY: Not even me.

Huh.

Because if they are,

they're watching a young,

healthy girl

having a nervous breakdown.

You know, my

hair's falling out.

Ever since I've

moved in here

I brush my hair

every night,

then go to bed.

And suddenly,

there he is,

sitting in that big tree

outside my window

strumming a ukulele

and singing

Spanish love songs.

And I wake up

in the morning with hair

all over my pillow.

If it keeps up,

I will call the entire

UCLA swim team.

Tell him! Tell him.

She wants

me to tell you

if this keeps up...

I will be the happiest

man in the world!

She thinks of me

night and day!

She thinks of me.

Don't you care

what she thinks of you?

She's engaged, Norman.

Forget about her.

Forget about her?

Did you see

what was in this room?

Did you see?

I saw a skinny little girl

with a dodo expression.

That's three, Andy.

That one

I'll never forget.

That's not a girl.

That was one of

God's creations

made during

his best period.

Don't ever call her a girl

in front of me again!

Well, whatever it is,

if it goes bald,

you've got big

trouble with UCLA.

I can handle all

wet college kids.

ANDY: Where are you

going with that?

You don't think

I'm gonna let her

clean her apartment

after she's been

working all day.

Okay, I've had just about

as much of King Kong and

Fay Wray as I can take.

Now, you move two

steps away from that

type writer,

you're gonna be

picking ukulele

out of your head.

Not unless you

are capable of

swallowing an entire mop!

Norman, what's

happening to you?

I've seen you panting

over a girl before,

but this is the first time

I ever saw you getting

a bubble on your head.

Don't you think I know?

Don't you think I'm worried?

What I'm doing

now is abnormal.

The behavior

you're watching now

is weird, Andy, weird.

But I can't help myself.

I'm a slave

to physical attraction.

And I'll do anything,

including mopping

her kitchen floor,

to be with her every night

for the rest of my life.

Didn't you hear her?

She's gonna marry

another man!

What she does

during the day

is her business.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Well?

Don't get angry.

Don't get mad.

Can I come in

for a minute?

No.

You didn't even hear why.

Let me come in

and tell you why.

I won't bother you.

I know you're tired.

You've been

swimming all day.

I just want to clean up.

Is that so weird?

I don't think

that's so weird.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

NORMAN: That was an accident!

That lamp can be repaired.

I can fix that lamp

in 10 minutes.

Do you know what

he's doing now?

Do you?

He's mopping

your kitchen floor.

He's mopping

my kitchen floor.

And you don't want your

kitchen floor mopped.

And I don't want my

kitchen floor mopped.

I waxed it last night

and he's mopping up

all the wax.

Do you hear me?

I have perfect aurals.

Can I use your phone?

I didn't get one yet.

Certainly.

Hello, would you get me

the Los Angeles

Police Department.

You wouldn't do that.

You're watching me do it.

Hello, I'd like to report

a weird man who's run

amuck in my kitchen.

Amuck! Amuck!

Will you listen to me

for two minutes.

In two minutes, he'll

have my wallpaper steamed off.

No, not with a knife,

with a mop! I...

Now will you

listen to me?

That's just gonna cost you

another dime because

I'm calling them again.

Why won't you

listen to me?

I told you why.

I already told you

about my hair falling out.

Now, look at this.

Those big ugly red

blotches are hives.

Do you know

what causes me

to get hives?

Holding a lamp

to your face?

Nervous tension causes

me to get hives.

Mopping my floor,

breaking my lamp,

painting my cat

causes me nervous tension.

I know what you're

going through. I lived

with that nut for three years

and he's turned

my hair gray.

I fail to notice it.

Have a look at

my eyelashes.

All gray. I used to

have long and beautiful

brown eyelashes.

Did you ever see

anything like that before?

Gray, gray.

Gray eyelashes

are not as noticeable

on a man

as a receding

hairline is on a girl.

Get your hand

off that phone,

I'm calling again.

No, you're not.

You're gonna sit down

and you're gonna listen.

I wouldn't threaten me

if I were you.

You're tall and skinny

and I'm short and strong.

Well, I'm glad

you live next door.

I have a lot of

trouble opening jars.

May I tell you about

Norman Cornell?

If you can do in

five seconds, because

that's what you've got.

One, two...

He's impulsive,

repulsive, incorrigible,

and irrepressible.

But he's also one of

the most talented, creative

and inspired young writers

living in this

country today.

Will you accept that?

I've never read

anything of his expect

that Italian mash note

he left in that

grocery basket.

Three, four...

Just hear me out.

In his freshman year

at Berkeley,

he wrote a thesis on

the economic development

of the Philippine

islands since 1930

without any previous

knowledge of economics,

the Philippines or 1930.

There's no end

to the talent

of the mentally warped.

You're times up.

Give me that phone!

Norman Cornell is not only

one of the brightest young men

in America today,

he is also the hope and

promise of today's generation

and tomorrow's future.

I just knocked the cat

into the toilet.

It was an accident.

Help! Police! Help!

Stop, will you?

(CRYING) Help me,

he's drowning my cat!

Will you stop panicking?

Easy for you to say.

He's not flushing

your cat into the

the Pacific ocean!

I promise when he

comes back I'll nail

him to the wall.

Ow! Will you stop kicking me.

I have very thin socks.

Either you let me call

the police or I'm gonna smash

everything in this house.

Starting with the dishes.

Oh, you want to

play rough, huh? Okay!

(CLATTERING)

All right, let go, let go.

I don't want to take

advantage of you.

I'm calling the police

and I don't want

any trouble from you.

I won't give you

any trouble if you

don't give me any trouble.

Are you gonna

let me call the police?

Yes! Yes!

Good.

Ah!

You ought to be

ashamed of yourself

being stronger

than a fellow.

Physical fitness

is as important

as godliness or cleanliness.

What about friendliness

and niceness?

Just hear me out!

And if you're still upset,

you can go back to angriness

and destructiveness,

all right?

Thank you.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Miss Cooper...

May I call you Amy?

No.

Miss Cooper...

Have you ever heard

of Nitty Gritty?

AMY: Is that some

kind of dessert?

I believe you're thinking

of tutti-frutti.

Nitty Gritty is the name

of an underground paper

put out by

Norman and myself,

and it is filled with

protest, Miss Cooper.

This is our motto.

"A remedy for

a sick society."

We're not doctors,

we're diagnosticians.

We point to troubled spots.

It's up to the people

to cure them.

I'm the editor,

sales manager,

and managing director.

Norman writes

the whole thing

from cover to cover.

And what we print

and publish, Miss Cooper,

we believe in.

Now...

When you go back to

your freshly mopped room,

I would like you to read

last month's issue.

And I would like you

to tell me,

if the things we protest

against every month

in the Nitty Gritty,

aren't the things you

protest against every day

in your everyday life.

Now.

We have a modest business

here, Miss Cooper.

I will tell you frankly,

to keep alive,

I steal food

and borrow other

people's laundry,

but we stay alive

and get out our paper,

and we'll continue

doing it as long as

there's an angry

breath in our body

and as long as

there's one single

iota of corruption

left in this society

worth protesting about.

But, Miss Cooper,

unless you smile

at that talented lunatic

with the mop out

there and say,

"Thank you for

your little Viennese

sauerbraten."

One of the great organs

of free press

will vanish from

the American scene.

Is that a tear

I see in your eye,

Miss Cooper?

That is a brand-new hive

on the bridge of my nose.

Then I have

misjudged you.

I'm delighted you're

interested in the welfare

of this country.

So am I.

You go underground,

I go underwater.

But I am not gonna get

any gold medals

or silver wedding bells

unless that weird person

stays out of my life.

Well, there's a

simple solution.

You save my newspaper,

I'll save your future.

How?

I promise to keep

Norman away from you

as much as possible

if you will just smile

at him once in a while.

One hello from you

could keep him happy

for a whole issue.

Will you do it?

And you promise to

keep him away from me?

I'll tie a bell

around his neck.

You'll hear him coming

from miles away.

Will you shake on it?

I'll nod on it.

I'm not on shaking

terms with you, all right.

Terrific.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

All finished.

The cat's fine.

I gave him

artificial respiration.

I'm sorry

for what happened.

That's all right.

(SOFTLY) Andy,

she spoke nicely to me.

ANDY: I heard.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to

wax my floor again.

Would you say my name?

Just say Norman.

It's one little word,

Norman.

Norman.

Would you say it in here?

I would like to

have it to keep.

Norman.

That was wonderful.

Thank you, Amy.

I've lived up

to my promise.

You live up to yours.

I want to hear

"tinkle tinkle."

All right, Norman

I just made

that girl a promise.

Now as long as you

behave decently

and act like a normal...

What are you doing?

I want the world

to hear it

from her own lips.

Norman loves Amy!

And Amy loves...

AMY: Norman.

Turn that off.

Tell us again, Amy

who is the one who

drives you wild?

AMY: Norman.

Whisper it, Amy.

Tell me and nobody else.

Who do you love?

AMY: Norman.

(SMASHING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(IN JAPANESE ACCENT)

Yes, please. Tamashaki

Japanese Gardens.

Excuse, please

ANDY: Hey, Martoni,

how about a little service?

I mustn't think about her.

I mustn't think about her,

I mustn't think about her,

I mustn't think about her,

but I am, I am, I am.

Mrs. MacKaninee,

I never did this before.

Can I...

Can I get hurt like this?

(ANDY SCREAMING)

Do we have to do this

much longer,

Mrs. MacKaninee?

I mean, isn't it...

Isn't it time to go in now?

I don't think I can

stay up much more...

Ah! Good-bye!

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

There hasn't been

a wave in two hours,

Mrs. MacKaninee.

Don't you think

we ought to start

calling for help?

Okay.

There.

That's what we call

the breaststroke.

And that's what

we're gonna have

to do today, okay?

Everybody in the water.

Whoo!

Now stretch

your arms way out.

That's right, Mary.

Keep stretching

way out and kick.

Excuse me. I'm looking

for Miss Amy Cooper,

she's a swimming instructor.

Yes. Well, Amy's giving

a class in the pool right now.

She'll be another 40 minutes

if you'll just take a seat.

I don't have much time.

I have to get back to work.

I just wanted to

give her this little gift.

It will take five minutes.

Where do you think

you're going?

It's a matter of

my own life and death.

WOMAN: Come back here!

Where are you going?

To the pool.

Two minutes.

I just have to see her.

WOMAN: You come back here!

This is the YWCA!

(DUCKS QUACKING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Amy!

Amy!

Amy!

Amy!

(QUACKING)

Amy!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Amy!

Amy! Amy!

(SCREAMING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(SIREN BLARING)

(DUCK QUACKING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SHOOING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Where is that pool?

Come on, you guys.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

All right, ladies.

Which way to the pool?

(ALL SCREAMING)

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

Norman?

Norman...

I don't want

to disturb you.

I'm back.

(TYPING CONTINUES)

I have first-degree burns

on 98% of my body.

The other 2% is scorched.

Not a cockamamie wave

for three hours.

Only time I had shade

was when a bird

flew over me.

You can see

his outline on my back.

Norman, I don't want

to interrupt you,

but could you rub a little

Noxzema on my back?

Oh. I can't

unscrew the jar.

Norman, could I...

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(RECORDING TURNS OFF)

Are you crazy?

Are you insane?

What are you

trying to do?

Take my eye out?

I was trying to kill you,

but I'll take

whatever I can get.

You're trying to

blind me, I know you.

Then I'll be stuck

in this room for

the rest of my life.

That's what you'd like,

isn't it?

What I'd like is

a bigger jar of Noxzema.

I'm not gonna ask you

where you were, Norman,

because I think I know.

I'm just curious as

to why you came back?

Because there's nothing

left for you here except

physical mutilation.

I came back because

I have work to do.

I believe we have

a newspaper to get out.

Don't toy with me, Norman.

My skin is like

a crispy Peking duck.

I am in a fragile state.

I'm a writer

not a doctor.

Call Medicare.

Who are you kidding?

What about the girl?

What girl?

The star spangled

corn pone

from across the way.

Where were you

this morning,

at the delicatessen

getting a life-size statue

of her in potato-salad?

Oh, the new girl,

I haven't given

her a thought.

Oh, really?

Then who did I

hear at that room

at 3:00 in the morning

playing Prisoner of Love

on tissue paper and cone?

That was me but

that was last night.

And last night

is not today.

Something's happened,

Norman, and I'm

afraid to ask what.

What happened, Norman?

I don't want

to talk about it.

You followed her

this morning. You waited

for her outside the Y.

I did not wait for her

outside the Y.

You went inside the Y?

I don't want

to talk about her.

You went inside

the Y and started

yelling for Amy.

I did not yell.

I asked politely.

Then you started to yell

and they asked you to leave.

I don't want

to talk about it.

You didn't go all

over the Y looking

for her, did you?

No, I did not go

all over the Y

looking for her.

Where did you look?

Just the swimming pool.

I don't want

to talk about it.

They wear bathing

suits if that's what

you're worried about.

That's what I was

worried about. They threatened

to call the police?

No. They called

the police.

What'd they do?

(GROANING)

I'm on six

months' probation.

I knew it! I knew it!

Do you want

to hear my side?

I'm not through

with their side yet.

We live in

a police state, Andy.

Did you know we are

living in a police state?

I know.

First they start

burning books,

and they keep the men

out of the YWCA.

As they took me away

in the patrol car,

I heard her screaming.

"I hate you,

I loathe you

and I despise you!

"Hate, hate, hate loathe,

despise, and hate!"

So, I figured the best

thing to do is forget

about her.

I think you made

a wise decision, Norman.

I mean, if she wants

to play it cool, I don't

have time to waste.

You mean that?

Busy. I want to

get busy again.

Work, work, work.

Busy, busy, busy.

Don't stand too close

to the typewriter

cause it's gonna get hot.

I think you

really mean it.

That's wonderful.

Here, Norman, type.

No spaces, just

lots of words.

What did I see

in her, Andy?

She's not bright,

you know. Do you

think she's bright?

She has a native

intelligence of

a very remote country.

It was physical

attraction and how

long does that last?

40-45 minutes,

the most.

Say her name.

Amy.

Say the last part.

Cooper.

Now the whole thing.

Amy Cooper.

Say it a lot.

Amy Cooper, Amy Cooper,

Amy Cooper...

Get out of here,

you're boring me.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm gonna sit right

here and get out

the mailing list.

You just type.

You want to eat or drink

or go to the bathroom,

you just sit there.

I'll do everything.

Norman, I love you.

I truly love you.

(EXCLAIMING) I'm through

with her, not with girls.

Leave me alone.

ANDY: Don't press, Norman.

You're pressing. It'll come.

Have you noticed

how I don't mention

her name anymore?

I've noticed, Norman.

I've also noticed that

you haven't written

anything in an hour.

Okay. Here I go.

The paper is in.

My fingers

are poised.

An idea is forming

in my mind.

Something is about

to come out.

Don't announce

it, Norman. You're not

a train conductor.

You're a writer.

Maybe if I just

started typing,

something would

come out.

I don't think that's

gonna work, Norman.

Andy.

Yes?

I think I'm

losing my mind.

Well, you're stale,

sweetheart.

You haven't

written anything in

over five days.

Did you see what

I just put down

on this paper?

Zizzivivitzz.

Second in my class

at Berkeley,

and I wrote

zizzivivitzz.

You wouldn't accept

work like that

from a gorilla.

All right, don't panic,

Norman, let's not panic.

Here, read it for

yourself. What

does that say?

"Zizzivivitzz."

Don't tell me

not to panic.

Maybe if I called

her at the Y and

tried to apologize.

Does it make any

sense to call a girl

who just had the

police drag you

away in a patrol car?

You're talking to

a man who just

wrote zizzivivitzz!

I'll dial.

You talk to her.

Why should

I talk to her?

Because my mouth dries up

when I talk to her.

No words come out,

just little blah blah sounds.

Blah blah blah blah.

If you call, Norman,

you got to "blah blah"

to her yourself.

You know what

you are, Hobart?

Cold turkey. Cold turkey,

lumpy stuffing and

watery cranberry sauce.

You have all the

romance and sentiment

of a sanitation truck.

You're also

a sexual snob.

You don't get excited

over a girl unless she

has a straight A average.

Well, I don't need you.

I'll talk to

Amy myself.

Hello. Is this

the YWCA? It is?

Blah blah blah blah.

Yes. Miss Amy

Cooper, please.

What? When?

Why?

Where?

What? What? When?

Why? What?

What's happening?

Yes. Thank you

very much.

She was just fired.

They said it was the

fourth time this week

some nut tried to

break into the pool.

Third. It was

only my third.

Open the door,

or I'll take it

off the hinges!

Andy, help me.

I can't stand

rejection, I'll never

be able to write again.

All right, get

out of here. Let

me talk to her.

What will you say?

What will you tell her?

She's breaking the

door down. I can't

audition for you now.

Just tell me one thing.

Tell me one nice thing

you're gonna say about me.

You never wear brown

shoes with a blue suit.

Now, get out of here.

NORMAN: Hi,

Mrs. Fleigelman!

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

Where is he?

Where is that lunatic?

I know exactly what

I'm gonna do to him.

I planned it as I sat there

dripping all over the bus!

He's walking around

out there eating

his heart out.

Well, tell him not to bother,

cause I'm gonna get a

big dog to do it for him.

I've been fired. Fired.

They didn't even give

me time to dry off.

ANDY: I know, I just

spoke to the Y.

Didn't you explain

to them it wasn't

your fault?

Well, it's hard with

a madman running

around the hall

and a duck quack-quacking

in the pool.

That bird is still there.

He built a nest in the

basketball hoop,

and they have

a big game tonight.

Norman brought a bird?

A 30-pound duck, uncooked.

And don't ask me where

it bit the mother of

one of my little girls.

I have rent due

in three days and

I've been fired.

They said

I encouraged him.

I hate him!

All right, calm down.

I'll get you another job.

Just give me

a couple of days.

I don't have a couple

of days. I need money

for rent and food.

Now what am I gonna do?

I'm sure there's

someone in Los Angeles

who needs someone

who is healthy

and young and strong.

I don't suppose you've

ever considered

professional football?

I've considered calling

my fiancee and telling him

exactly what's happened.

ANDY: Wait a minute.

I've got an idea.

I don't say you're

gonna like it, but,

how would you like

to come to work for us?

I would rather get in

a little sports car

and drive off a cliff.

I said I didn't think you'd

like it, but it would

at least pay your rent

and buy your iron

and steel or whatever

it is you eat.

I believe

you're serious.

Do you think that

I would work

for that bomb aimed at

the heart of America?

What bomb?

This bomb.

I've read it. I don't know

what's in your government

overthrowing mine,

but do you think that

I would work for a newspaper

that prints articles like, er,

uh, here,

"Recipe: 27 Ways

To Cook A Draft Card,

Served For Six."

Written from personal

experience, Mr. Hobart?

For your information,

I happen to have served

for two years in

the United States army,

where I was interpreter

for Brigadier General

Malcolm Halder.

In what country?

In this country.

That idiot could

hardly speak English.

My feelings about this

country run just as

deeply as yours.

But if you'll turn down

the national anthem

for a few minutes,

you'll be able to hear

what some of the people

are complaining about.

Well, I'm one of the people

and you're one of the things

I'm complaining about.

Unfortunately, you're not

in much of a position to

complain about anything.

Look, if you don't

work, you don't eat,

if you don't eat, you get

very skinny, you fall down

and then you're dead.

If you think your

boyfriend will be happy

living with a dead,

skinny lady,

that's his business.

Personally, I think you

ought to accept the meager

bread I'm offering you.

(CHUCKLING)

First, you take away

my loaf, then you offer

me meager bread.

Why does everything you

say sound like it came

out of the Bible?

Well, thank goodness

you've heard of the book.

Look, do you want

the job or don't you?

If you don't want the job,

I'll take it, because

I could use the money.

Unfortunately,

so could I.

And why do you want

me around here?

I hate you

and your friend.

I don't want you

around here.

That weirdo does.

And I'll do anything

to keep this newspaper

from going underwater.

That was an unfortunate

choice of phrase.

Okay, that's

your principle.

My principle is breathing,

eating and living like any

other animal on this earth.

So much for your

character references.

How about salary?

What did you

get at the Y?

$85 a week.

Well, Norman and I

both know how to swim.

I'll pay you 50.

For $50,

I'll come in early

and poison your coffee,

I want what I got

at the Y, $85.

So be it. You're hired.

Your hours will be

from 10:00 to 6:00.

Half a day on Saturday.

Can you type?

No.

Can you take shorthand?

No.

Can you do filing?

No.

Maybe you better

come in at 11:00.

Can you cook?

My cat seems

to think so.

Okay, you can make

lunches and pretend

to look busy.

You'll have two functions,

first, to keep out of

my way at all times,

second, to smile

at Norman as much

as humanly possible.

Yes, sir. The first

I will do with the

utmost dedication.

The second I will do

over my dead body.

Miss Cooper, it's

evident that you and I

haven't gotten along

since you came

to work here.

We're gonna have to try.

You need money.

I need that lovesick

Cocker Spaniel.

Now, I suggest you roll

up your lips and smile

so we can get to work.

Okay, I'll make my

bargain with the Devil,

I've never run

from a fight,

I'm ready to go to work.

Am I supposed

to shake that?

You're supposed

to put $85 in it.

We pay at the

end of the week.

Company policy.

Then I'll start at

the end of the week.

I don't trust your policy.

All right.

Wait a minute.

(COINS RATTLING)

Here's your first week's

salary in pennies,

minus federal withholding

tax and social security.

(AIRPLANE ENGINE ROARING)

You're doing

incredibly well

for a woman who only

got a flying license

three hours ago.

I just think we

made a mistake

having lunch first.

(SCREAMING) Oh, no!

This is gonna

make me sick.

No, no! I am too young.

Roll over!

Mrs. MacKaninee!

Slow down.

We're gonna crash!

Pull it back!

Put, put the brake!

Quick!

Please don't put it

in the bridge!

No! (SCREAMING)

(INDISTINCT SCREAMING)

Ubiquitous,

please. Under "U."

Under me what?

(LAUGHING)

Under the letter "U."

Ubiquitous.

U-B-I-Q-U-I-T-O-U-S.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Will you stop ringing

that bell. I'm not a cow.

Well, you don't like it

when I call you Amy.

I'm an employee here.

My name is Miss Cooper.

What is it, Mr. Cornell?

NORMAN: What's for lunch,

Miss Cooper?

Banana fritters,

Mr. Cornell.

Do you like them?

I love them.

What are they?

Fritters made with bananas.

You notice how I've

calmed down since

you came to work here?

I don't know how

I ever got along

without a secretary.

Oh, your apron's slipping.

Let me help you with that.

(DISHES RATTLING)

You try that with

your fingers again,

you're going to have

to learn to type

with your nose.

Your apron was slipping.

Don't be angry.

Don't be mad at me.

I'm going back

to work. See? See,

I'm working again.

You just keep

away from me.

Especially when I'm

looking in the oven

and got my back turned!

Forgive me.

For what? I love it.

(SPITTING)

Are you crazy?

You want to give

me a heart attack?

Don't ever sneak up

on me like that again.

I didn't want to

disturb you. Are you

alone, or is flipper here?

Shh! In the kitchen.

I thought you were

gonna be gone all day.

I was almost

gone forever.

We ran out of gas

and made a forced

landing on a bridge.

First time in

history an airplane

ever paid a toll.

Hey, this is good,

Norman. Really good.

Take it inside and

read it. I can't work

with you in here.

It's better than good.

It's brilliant.

You must have been

inspired, Norman.

Here's your lunch.

Eat it while it's hot.

It'll drop.

Just give it time.

Here it comes.

Here's a fork.

You want a knife?

Scissors will

be all right.

If that's all, I'd

like to go home

and feed my cat.

He can have mine.

I'm not that hungry.

I'll be back at 2:00.

Could you just

vacuum the rug

before you leave?

I can't work with

an un-vacuumed rug.

Where's the vacuum?

In the service porch.

Wait. It's heavy.

I'll help.

AMY: Ouch!

(CRASHING)

NORMAN: I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

This time I'm

pressing charges.

ANDY: What happened?

Where is he?

AMY: Under the

vacuum cleaner.

What did you do?

I bit her earlobe.

It was dangling right

in front of my mouth.

What did you want me

to do? Ignore it?

Miss Cooper,

Miss Cooper,

wait a minute.

Tell her I'm sorry.

Please come back.

He didn't mean it.

$90. I'll raise your

salary to $90 a week.

She's coming back.

Just square me with

her this last time.

I'll never ask you again.

This has got

to stop, Norman.

She's becoming

one of the highest priced

secretaries in America

and she can't

even type.

Tell her I've been

working under

a great strain lately.

Help me, Andy.

Help me.

Go get a bottle

of muscatel.

We're gonna have

a little office party

when you get back.

You gotta learn to

relax around here.

You're a good person, Andy.

If I ever win the Pulitzer

Prize, it's all yours.

Amy, I would just

like to say that I...

Blah blah blah.

Where's my $5 raise?

You'll be drinking it

in a few minutes.

I knew I shouldn't

have trusted you.

ANDY: I thought you

never run from a fight.

I don't. I just had one

on the service porch.

My ears are pierced

now, and I don't

even wear earrings.

I should have known

you wouldn't have the

guts to stick it out.

Stick it out? I've been

smiling at that idiot

for three days.

You see that?

I've been doing

that since Tuesday.

Well, cut it out. You

look like a demented

ventriloquist.

It was not my stupid idea,

it was your stupid idea.

Well, it's a smart

stupid idea

because it's working.

It's working for you.

You're getting a newspaper.

I'm getting little

holes in my ears.

I happen to be paying

through the nose for those

little holes in your ears.

It won't happen again.

Now, I have 30 pages

to edit. I'd like a

little quiet, please.

You won't know I'm here

cause I won't be here.

You'll be here because

I'm paying you to be here,

and he's coming back

in 10 minutes and

he wants you here.

Then here I will be.

This is not

the Christian

Science Reading Room,

it's an office and

there's work to be done.

Then do it.

I'm talking about you.

You want me to type

a letter. I can have it

a year from February.

You can sharpen some

pencils and be quiet.

Yes, boss man.

(PENCIL SHARPENER WHIRRING)

What are you doing?

What you told me to do.

Thank you. I now

have a ballpoint pen

without a ballpoint.

You see this?

I see it.

Knowing your minuscule

frame of reference,

let me tell you that

it is not a dead

chicken on a stick.

It is a

feather duster.

By that I do not

mean that you dust

feathers with it.

You hold it at this

end and you flick it

against furniture.

Thus dusting it.

You think you

can do that?

Lefty or righty?

If you'd like you can

stick it in your pierced

ear and shake your head.

Just clean the

room and be quiet.

Yes, sir.

I'm think I'm getting

the hang of this now.

I think I am.

(HUMMING)

You're not going

to sing the second

chorus, are you?

I just work here,

I do what I'm told.

(HUMMING)

All right. All right!

Fifty addressed

envelopes, 50 stamps.

You got a tongue.

Don't talk. Lick.

Are these announcements

for next week's cell

meeting, comrade?

No. Actually they're

very thin bombs.

You just add water.

I get the impression

that you don't approve

of me as a person.

If that's what you are,

that's why I don't.

Well, your opinions

on anything

have as much

practical value as

a 1939 calendar.

I'm not paying $90

a week to listen to

a limited vocabulary.

Be quiet

and lick the stamps.

I'm a busy man.

So was John Wilkes

Booth the night he

assassinated Lincoln.

Are you implying

that I was in on

the Lincoln job?

If the shoe fits,

Mr. Hobart.

Sorry, that night,

I was in Philadelphia,

cracking the liberty bell.

I can't concentrate

in front of a

military tribunal.

Can't face

the truth, huh?

Ugh. Can my tongue rest?

The well has dried up.

Look, if you're

unhappy here,

why don't you take a job

as a night watchman,

swimming around the

Statue of Liberty,

checking to see if

the torch went out.

"The upholders of justice

"have always been

the scapegoat of

the enemies of freedom."

You know where

I read that?

On the back of

a Patrick Henry

bubble gum card?

In Speeches of Socrates.

Have you read the

Speeches of Socrates?

I'm waiting for the

paperback to come out.

It's out, that's

where I read it.

You'd be shocked to know

the amount of political

literature that I have read.

I would strongly

doubt that you got

into anything deeper

than the names

and addresses of the girls

in the Miss America contest.

And I'm sure if it was

left up to a traitor like you,

no one would win the

Miss America contest.

You're right.

I think a parade of

pretty girls is fine,

but listening to

Miss North Dakota

singing an aria

from The Barber of Seville

in the Key of M,

while baking an

upside down

seven-layer cake

in a hoop skirt she

hooped herself is

beyond human endurance.

You're deliberately

distracting me

from working on

my newspaper,

aren't you?

Each citizen must

do what he can.

I'm going in the

bedroom to work.

All right, will

you just tell me,

is there anything

about this country

you do like?

I like almost everything

about this country,

except people who like

absolutely everything

about this country.

Why don't you

answer my question?

Why don't you

question my answer?

Why don't you talk

like a person so

I can understand

which are the questions,

and which are the answers?

Would it be all right if

I worked in your room?

It would not.

If there's going

to be a fight,

let's draw the

battle lines on the

field of the aggressor.

And don't bother

guessing who said that.

I made it up myself.

I had it narrowed

down to you and

Winston Churchill.

Oh, for your

information,

did you know that

Winston Churchill's mother

was born here in

the United States

in Brooklyn?

You'd never know it

from the way he talked.

Look, why don't you take

the rest of the day off.

Take the week off.

I'm not leaving here

until you admit

you're snide, smug

and narrow-minded.

Will you settle

for belligerent?

I will accept deceitful

and treacherous.

Okay. I am deceitful

and treacherous.

And you are provincial,

old-fashioned,

antiquated,

unrealistic, unimaginative,

unenlightened, uninformed,

and unbelievably

unable to understand

anything that

isn't underwater.

Your big trouble in life

is that you were born

195 years too late.

You should have

been at Bunker Hill,

loading muskets,

raising flags,

and waiting for the

British to show up with

the whites of their eyes.

Well, you may

be shocked to learn

that this is the 1970s

and this country

has a whole new

set of problems,

but you wouldn't

know about that

because I don't think

you're a real person

of flesh and blood

with feelings

and sensitivities.

I don't think you could

be capable of having

a genuine emotional attachment

for another human being

unless it was first

passed by Congress,

and amended to

the Constitution,

and painted red,

white, and blue.

If you have been

listening carefully,

Miss Cooper,

I have just

made a point.

Okay, you want

to make points?

Then I'm gonna make one.

I'm going to make

the biggest point

you ever heard.

Yeah, well, when

you get to it, raise

your hand, will you?

It's hard to tell.

Oh, you'll know when

I make it. Only, you're

not gonna like it.

Are you listening?

With one ear. That's

all I need with you.

Then here goes.

I don't like you for a

whole lot of reasons,

but the main reason

I don't like you,

is that I'm engaged to a

very, very nice young man,

and in a few weeks we're

supposed to be married,

but for some

insane reason,

that only

a staff of Hungarian

psychoanalysts could explain,

and here comes the part

I was telling you about,

I have suddenly discovered

that I'm physically

attracted to you.

Now, how do you like

that for a point?

Did you hear

what I said?

I heard it, I,

I heard what you said.

Well, how do you

like them apples?

Those apples.

Them apples. How

do you like 'em?

Are you serious?

Well, of course

I'm serious.

There is something about

your physical appearance

that appeals to me,

and I'm as repulsed

by it as you are.

ANDY: You

couldn't possibly be.

There's no earthly

reason why I should

like anything about you,

and I don't, but I do.

Now what are we

gonna do about it?

If you're looking for another

boost in salary, this is

not the way to get it.

What do you mean

you're physically

attracted to me?

You want a complete

rundown? Arms, legs,

hair and teeth.

Okay, get a pencil

and paper. We'll take

it item for item.

I mean, you like

the way I look?

Not terribly.

You like the way I walk?

AMY: Not really.

You like the

way I dress?

AMY: Not remotely.

Then what do you like?

I like the way you smell.

Oh, Amy, Amy, Amy!

And don't call me

"Amy, Amy, Amy."

I may be attracted to you,

but I still don't like you.

You're the most

irritating, nauseating

man I've ever met.

And if you tried

to kiss me right now,

I wouldn't stop you.

You wanna work on

that for a while?

No, I think

I need outside help.

I suppose you want to

know what started it all.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

Yes, I do.

What started it all?

It was your

gray eyelashes.

I've never met a man

in your age bracket

with gray eyelashes.

And I think it's dumb

to have gray eyelashes,

but I'm glad

you have them.

Now, can I ask

you a question?

I'm afraid to

hear what it is.

Do you have any

desire whatsoever

to touch me?

What does that mean?

Which is the part

you don't understand,

desire or touching?

I understand both parts.

I just never thought

about it, that's all.

Well, think about it.

Time's up. Do you want

to touch me or don't you?

You've been spiking

your fritters with

bourbon, haven't you?

I'm being honest

with my emotions

because that's the only way

I know how to deal with them.

The plain,

disgusting truth is,

I would like to stand

very close to you

and feel your breath

somewhere on my neck.

You shouldn't

tell me that.

I know it but

it just comes out.

Is there any possibility

of your having the same

disgusting feeling for me?

Well, if I did,

it wouldn't

be disgusting

and if it was disgusting,

I wouldn't have the feeling.

I don't think I got that,

but touche anyway.

And stop following

me around the room.

I'm not following you.

You're running from me.

I'm running because

you're following.

Stay over there.

I can't smell you

from over here.

What am I gonna

do with you?

I just gave you

a suggestion.

You didn't do it.

Listen you, for an

all-American girl

with a complete set

of Eagle Scout principles,

how do you explain

being engaged to one man

and attracted to another?

Very simple explanation.

I can't explain it.

Well, what about

your fiancee?

He can't explain

it, either.

ANDY: You mean

you told him?

Well, of course

I told him.

We're engaged.

I'm afraid to hear

what his reaction was.

(LAUGHING)

Well, you may well fear.

He wants to kill you.

Why me?

What did I do?

Well, what did I do when

that lunatic and his duck

chased me all over the YWCA?

It's nobody's fault,

it's just something

that happened.

Yeah, well,

make it un-happen.

I can't swim faster than

the UCLA swimming team.

I'm trying just

as hard as I can

to make it un-happen.

The minute you do

anything I find

physically repulsive,

we'll all be

a lot better off.

I liked it. We're

in big trouble.

What do you mean,

"We're in big trouble?"

I'm the one

who's in big trouble.

Are you just

gonna yell at me

or you're gonna

do something

about our predicament?

I'm going to yell at you.

You're gonna ruin

everything I've worked

for in my entire life.

Why don't you go

back in the ocean

where you belong

with the rest

of the fish.

What are you

smiling about?

I like it when

you yell at me.

Well, I don't care

what you would like.

What are we gonna do?

Well, how

should I know?

But until we think of

something, why don't

you kiss me again?

You know, you are,

without a doubt,

the most...

Hey.

I don't suppose you

two have had time

to chill the glasses.

Fink!

(CAT MEOWING)

Buster?

(CAT MEOWING)

Buster, where

are you?

Buster.

Come here.

I want to get out of here

just as badly as you do.

Got you now, sonny.

Mr. Karlson, I was just

on my way to your shop.

My shop is north and

you were walking south.

I have this terrible

sense of direction.

How's your

sense of pain?

Acute. Very acute.

Well, we're not

gonna test it yet,

just gonna demonstrate

what's in the future.

Now, Lem weighs

230 pounds.

Roy, 250.

Lem is gonna

show you what Roy

is going to do to you

if we don't get

our money today.

Lem?

(GROANING)

Now, an ordinary person

would be dead from either

one of them blows,

but Roy is not

an ordinary person.

Roy is an

extraordinary person.

You, on the other hand,

are an ordinary person.

Now, at 3:00

this afternoon, we will

appear in your office.

If we don't have our

money in our hand,

Lem and Roy are

gonna turn you from

an ordinary person

into a former

ordinary person.

Show him again, Lem.

(GROANING)

Railway express will

pick up my steamer

trunk in the morning.

I happen to think

you're making a big

mistake, Norman.

I've only made two

mistakes in my entire life.

One was trusting you as my

friend and the other was

going out for the muscatel.

ANDY: Norman,

I've known you

for eight years.

Can you ever remember

me lying to you once

in all those years?

Yes. I've known you

for nine years.

All right. Nine years.

I don't care what

you saw yesterday.

I'm telling you the truth.

I cannot abide that girl

and she finds me snide,

smug and repulsive.

I see. And I walked in

just as she was sinking

her teeth into your throat?

And you were

fighting off the

attack with your mouth.

No. She was kissing me.

Kissing you? You're a

foot taller than she is

and you can't stand her.

So, the way I see

it, the only way she

could have kissed you

against your wishes

is for her to

have 19-inch lips.

And I just

don't buy that.

I don't care what

you're buying,

I did not make an

overt act toward her.

In other words,

she was the one

who did the overting?

Correct.

Why?

That's beside

the point.

Oh, I think not.

Why did she overt you

right on the mouth?

You're gonna laugh.

Try me.

She likes

the way I smell.

It is now 2:30.

I will be hysterical

until 3:15.

Oh, what's so insane

about it? You like

the way she smells.

How can you even

mention the two smells

in the same breath?

Norman, do you

mean to tell me

that after eight or nine

years of a personal

meaningful relationship,

you would let that

flag-waving sea urchin

come between us?

I can live with a slob,

a sadist, a forger

or a junkie,

I draw the line at finks.

What about

the Nitty Gritty?

You can have my half

of the bankruptcy.

You hypocrite,

you pretended

to be dedicated

to an idea that we've

literally starved for

and you can blindly

toss it all aside

because we're suddenly

embroiled in a

romantic triangle?

You, me, the girl,

and the boyfriend

is not a triangle.

It's a quadrangle.

You can't add.

No wonder we

never made a cent.

And what do you

think you're gonna do

once you leave here?

In exactly 30 minutes,

I have an interview

for a job with the AP.

Working at the

check-out counter?

Not the A&P,

you idiot. The AP,

the Associated Press.

Doing what?

I'm a writer.

They'll pay me for writing,

just as I imagine

you'll make your

living by finking.

A writer? Without me to

push you and prod you

and encourage you,

you couldn't hold down

a job writing Rhode

Island license plates.

No? YZ-895,

and there are plenty

more ideas where

that one came from.

All right, Norman.

So we don't get along.

Gilbert and Sullivan

didn't speak to each

other for 14 years

and they wrote

23 operettas together.

Gilbert never walked in

and caught Sullivan kissing

poor little Buttercup.

All right, Norman.

All right.

If I have to fight

for my newspaper,

then I'll fight.

You're joking, surely.

Surely not.

Andy, I'm warning you.

I'm not wiry, but I'm thin.

I'll slice you to ribbons.

I've already faced death

with our daredevil

landlady pilot.

I'm not afraid

of a skinny typist.

What's that

supposed to be?

What does it look like?

It's a sit-in.

If you don't get up from

that sit-in, you're gonna

see a punch down.

Is that your answer

to passive resistance?

No. My answer to

passive resistance

is active kicking.

Get up. What do you

think you're doing?

The same as they did

in Bombay in 1947,

when 12,000 Indians

threw themselves across

15 miles of railroad track.

Well, Charlie, in 30

seconds, the 3:15

is coming through.

Thou shalt

not pass.

Thou shalt bleed

from both ears.

I mean, you'd hit a

man who wouldn't raise

his arms in defense?

Actually, I prefer

it that way.

Norman, don't you see?

If you go over

to their side,

it's the end of free

creative thinking.

They'll have you writing

shipping reports

and weather news.

In two minutes, I'll bring in

my first story, about a dead

man leaning against a door.

All right, Norman,

I had hoped to

avoid violence,

but you leave me

no recourse.

The pain I am about

to inflict is done

purely on request.

Do you mean it's your

intention to actually

come to blows?

Hard hitting

and everything?

My first right on

your deviated septum.

Knowing full well

that on July 15th,

I finish a three-year

correspondence course

on Oriental combat?

I intend

to compensate

by fighting dirty.

Okay, Andy, as long

as you know the score.

I've been waiting

six months to try this

in a real-life situation.

I had hoped

my first victim

would be a mugger,

but you'll

do nicely.

(TAPPING)

By the way,

it is my legal obligation

to warn you

that karate may be

hazardous to your health.

And let me warn you

that I have never

once in my life

struck another human

being in anger.

I don't want to kill you,

but I have no idea

how strong I am.

If you feel

yourself dying,

just speak up.

(STRAINED GRUNTING)

Sooot.

Sooot.

Anytime you're ready.

Ha! Is that the way

you're gonna stand?

You won't last

10 seconds.

Is it your intention

to weaken me first

with laughter?

When you're able

to talk again,

you can teach me

the right way.

Can I show you

the four basic

positions?

I'm still gonna

break your neck,

but at least

you'll look better.

(GROWLING)

This is ridiculous.

(GRUNTING)

You have no

defense at all.

I'm not even

enjoying this.

You want entertainment,

turn on the TV.

You want to fight,

come and get me.

I want to fight!

(GRUNTING)

If you're gonna do that

why don't you put on those

big white bloomers

like the

Japanese wear?

You must be out

of your mind.

Don't you realize

this is a lethal

weapon?

This hand

is trained

to kill.

Once I start

it in motion,

it can't

be stopped.

It's no longer

a hand.

It's a mad

half-crazed killer.

(GROWLING)

All right, I'm through

toying with you.

I'm going to

give you one chop.

Then I have to go.

(BOTH SHOUTING)

Damn it, Andy,

why don't you stand

and fight like a man?

Cause I'm afraid,

that's why.

Isn't that

what I told you

before we started?

Not of you,

of myself.

I am so seething,

so fed up of your

monumental stupidity

and infantile

behavior

that if I get within

two inches of you,

I swear by everything

I believe in this world,

I'll crack

your empty head

wide-open!

Then you better do it

to me before I do it to you!

All right, damn it!

Here!

Ow!

Oh, God!

My arm! My arm!

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Are you all right?

Leave me alone.

Why don't you watch

where you're hitting?

In karate you hit

the neck and the kidneys,

not the arm!

Oh, damn!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

What's the matter?

You broke

my Timex watch.

Let me see.

(SHRIEKING)

It's broken!

There's nothing

to see.

It was my good

watch, too.

I'm sorry.

I just had

it cleaned

and put in

a new crystal.

Why didn't you

take the watch off first?

Because I didn't

expect to get hit

on the wrist.

I told you you didn't

know what you're doing.

I don't wanna fight anymore.

I'm going.

For good?

For good.

I don't like

you anymore.

I swear to God,

I really don't.

All right, Norman,

if that's the way

you feel about it,

I wish you

the best of luck.

I really loved

this watch, too.

So, this is the end

of the Nitty Gritty.

You got to admit

for a while we had

a good thing going here.

If I knew what

time it was,

I'd hang around

another 10 minutes

and watch you cry.

Oh, you don't think

I'm sincere about

our friendship?

For this newspaper,

you would sell

your own mother!

Coincidentally,

no one has seen

for three years.

Norman, believe me

when I say,

that I would rather have

a handshake from you

right now

than the

Pulitzer Prize.

What's the matter?

I'm afraid you're gonna

grab me and handcuff me

to the railing.

(SIGHING)

(CHUCKING)

Good-bye, Norman.

Good-bye, Andy.

(LOCKING HANDCUFFS)

Hey! What do you

think you're doing?

Hey!

(GIGGLING)

You fink!

You ratfink fink!

I even have to write

your lousy ideas!

That one was my own,

sweetheart.

I heard you on the phone

this morning with the AP.

Now, you have one more

article to complete,

Norman.

We're down to

the finish line.

Mr. Karlson's

two Neanderthal sons

will be here at 3:00

to pick up their $230.

I can borrow the money

from Mrs. MacKaninee

but not unless you have

the next issue

ready to roll.

It's up to you, Norman.

Do I get my newspaper,

or do the Karlsons get you?

You mean,

you're serious?

You actually intend

in real life

to keep a living human being

chained to a railing?

Until tomorrow,

when the police find

an unidentified

broken object

dangling from a post.

All right, Andy.

I'm in no mood

for the Prisoner of Zenda!

Open up!

Not unless I see

some creative paperwork.

Andy, I have

claustrophobia!

I'll go insane!

Open up!

Where are

you going?

I'm hungry.

I feel like a tiny

kumquat sandwich.

(STRUGGLING)

Help! Help!

I'm being held prisoner!

Mrs. Fleigelman!

Mrs. Fleigelman,

you want to make

a dollar?

Oh.

(CAT MEOWING)

Buster, you wait here.

I'm going to make

my final good-byes.

12 minutes,

old boy.

Ha!

There have been cases

of wild animals

caught in traps

who have chewed

their paw off to escape.

If I'm not out

in two minutes,

I'll gonna chew

my paw off!

Please, not

when I'm eating.

(EXCLAIMING)

Don't you ever

bother knocking?

(EXHALING DEEPLY)

It won't happen again,

and that's for sure.

Amy. Amy, thank goodness

you're here.

He's gone crazy!

Look what he's done to me,

chained me like an animal.

That won't be

necessary anymore.

My bus leaves

for Cypress Gardens

in 15 minutes.

I froze some

fritters for you

and sharpened

the pencils.

Since I only put in

a three-day week,

I believe I owe you

some money.

Amy, you don't have to leave

because of me.

I'm not gonna

bother you anymore.

I didn't even smell you

coming in here.

I'm not leaving

because of you, Norman,

and I don't blame you

for the crazy way

you've been acting lately.

I understand it now.

There's some things

we just can't control.

For no reason at all,

something strange

and mystified hits us,

and there's nothing

we can do about it

except just sit and wait

and hope it goes away

just as fast

as it came.

Unfortunately,

I don't see mine

going away in the

foreseeable future,

and since there doesn't seem

to be any future

and I'm getting

on the bus to

Cypress Gardens

and, um, I can't

say another word,

or I'll just start crying

all over this floor

I just cleaned

this morning.

Miss Cooper, wait.

I am in great

physical pain.

You've just cracked my mouth

when you opened the door,

and I have

a disfigured wrist

from a misguided

karate chop.

But I just want you

to know that I'm sorry.

Sorry that some of us

react to certain stimuli

and others of us don't.

However, I wish to cause you

no embarrassment or hardship.

Starting tomorrow,

I may be running

this newspaper by myself.

If you like,

you can stay on.

At half salary.

You expect me to stay here

with me feeling

the way I feel

and you feeling

the way you don't?

AMY: (SIGHING) Mr. Hobart,

if I wasn't afraid

I'd miss my bus,

I'd really

tell you something.

Do you

have the time?

I don't even

have a crystal.

Well, I'll

tell you anyway.

You're right.

I may be provincial

and old-fashioned.

I may believe in a lot

of dead things

like patriotism

and the Constitution

because that's the dumb way

I was brought up,

and that's the

dumb way I feel.

The trouble with you is,

you can't feel at all.

You can't feel,

you can't see,

you can't hear,

and, oh, boy,

you can't smell!

All you can do is think!

But until you can

learn to use

all those wonderful gadgets

that nature's given you,

you're only one fifth

of a man.

And unfortunately,

by the time you get

them all working

and realize that

you're crazy in love

with me,

I'll be back in the

Cypress Gardens

high school gymnasium

getting ready for

next year's Olympics.

And next year

I'm gonna swim

the United States

right into a gold medal.

This time I'm gonna

beat the living nose plugs

off that little fat girl

from the desert!

As for you, Mr. Hobart,

I suggest

you take those pennies

and go get

your gadgets fixed.

Go visit an eye, ear,

nose, and throat man.

Oh, and maybe you ought to

see a dentist, too.

Because my former fiancee,

not too happy with

recent turn of events,

is on his way over here

to separate your teeth

from your face.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

That's something I wish

I could stay to see,

but I can't, so I'm not,

so good-bye.

Now you're

going to get it!

Now, you'll first get it.

(HANDCUFFS RATTLING)

Shut up, Norman.

You hear what

she said?

The Yanks are coming.

It's teeth-separation time.

I'm glad I'm chained

to a railing,

because I wouldn't

miss this for anything.

I'm not gonna warn you

again, Norman.

You cretin-head!

The girl is nuts about you,

and you stand there

threatening me?

She's going back

to Cypress Gardens,

and you may never

see her again.

I'll see her again.

When?

In 1976,

because I guarantee

she's the next president

of the United States.

Norman, I've had

just about enough of you.

Every man has

his breaking point,

and my point

just broke.

What are you

going to do?

Murder.

I'm going to commit

cold-blooded murder

(HANDCUFFS CLICKING)

right here

in this room.

I'm gonna kill

the only thing

in this world

that really means

anything to me,

my newspaper.

There. Go on.

You're free.

Now, get out of here

and let me bury the body.

Maybe you were

both right.

Maybe I am crazy.

Maybe it was insane

to try and hold on

to one tiny,

not very important,

insignificant voice

in the wilderness

against such

overwhelming odds

as a girl-smelling

mental case

and a wet-backed

Martha Washington.

I'm sure she'll be

very happy now.

America is safe tonight.

In tribute, tomorrow

Baskin-Robbins will add

another flavor.

She's won.

Don't you see that?

Divide and conquer.

That's the way they do it.

The war's over, Norman,

and we've surrendered.

In reparations,

she gets the Free City

of Danzig,

the Polish corridor,

three outfielders,

two turtle doves

and a lousy partridge

in a lousy pear tree.

Well, we can't always have

what we want.

You were in such a

hurry to go. Then go!

One thing you were

right about, Andy...

Physical attraction

isn't enough.

It's like chewing gum,

it starts off great,

but the flavor

doesn't last.

That's why they put

five sticks in a pack.

Before I leave,

I just want to say

that maybe someday,

I don't know when,

we'll be able to forget

our differences,

forget what's happened here

the last few days,

forget everything.

And when I do,

maybe someday

I'll be back.

I hope so, Norman.

So long.

So long, Andy.

I forgot everything!

I'm back!

What took you so long?

I got stuck in traffic!

Are you sorry for all the

nasty, mean, rotten

things you said to me?

Do you take it

all back?

Not for a second.

Okay, that's good

enough for me.

Hey, were you really

gonna give up

the newspaper?

Certainly, I was going

to marry Mrs. MacKaninee

and open the only

discotheque funeral parlor

in California.

(LAUGHING)

Norman!

It's ten minutes to three. Are

you going back to work?

Dedicated.

Never has anyone ever

been so dedicated.

You promise me

you'll never go off

the deep end

over a girl

like that again?

No more deep ends.

You won't get up

from that chair

until you finish.

My fingers are glued

to the keys!

Nitty Gritty, forever!

Forever, Nitty Gritty!

No distractions?

No distractions.

No interruptions?

No interruptions.

No matter how much

the smell in here

is driving you crazy?

No matter how much...

What smell?

What do you mean

what smell?

Her smell. Amy.

I don't smell Amy.

What, are you crazy?

How can you not smell it.

It's all over the room.

This room?

Of course,

this room!

She was just in here,

wasn't she?

I know the difference

between a room smell

and an Amy smell

and this is definitely...

What's happened to me?

Want me to chain you

to the railing?

It's not possible.

These things don't

happen to me.

You may have been

second in your class

at Berkeley,

but I was first.

It's just

physical attraction,

it won't last.

It's for

hippopotamuses.

I know that, damn it!

Then what are you

screaming for?

Because I'm

standing here

talking to you

when my hippopotamus

is getting on a bus!

Miss Cooper!

Miss Cooper!

Amy...

(TSKING) There's no

possibility it could last.

Wait till he tastes

the banana fritters.

Is that you,

Mr. Karlson?

KARLSON: It's us, sonny.

(CHUCKLING)

Come for your money,

Mr. Karlson?

Come for our

money, sonny.

Which you would

like right now.

Which we're gonna

get right now.

Otherwise...

Show him what's

otherwise, Lem.

(PARTS CLATTERING)

Mrs. MacKaninee.

(SCREAMING)

Mrs. MacKaninee!

Miss Cooper!

Miss Cooper!

Amy!

I thought you never

run from a fight.

I'm not running.

I'm riding.

You're running.

Why don't you come back

and fight like a man?

Because I'm not a man,

I'm a girl.

And I'm running

because you don't think

that's what I am.

Well, come back

and fight like a man

and act like a girl,

or fight like a girl

and act like a man.

I don't care which way.

Just so long as you

come back.

Why?

You just tell me why.

Because I like

the way you smell!

Full salary?

No salary.

Share and share alike.

That's fine with me.

You start at 8:00

and quit at 7:00.

That's fine with me.

I want the pencils sharpened

and the papers stacked.

That's fine with me.

I want the books dusted,

the floors mopped,

and when I say hot coffee,

I mean hot coffee.

That's fine with me.

Now, get off that bus

so you and I can

start ripping apart

the degenerating

American way of life!

That's fine with me.

(BUZZING)

ANDY: Amy!

Mr. Hobart.

Mr. Hobart,

where are you going?

I never drove

one of these before.

How do you

make it stop?

(HORN HONKING)

Mr. Hobart, wait!

ANDY: Get out of the way!

You're on the wrong side

of the road!

Amy!

NORMAN: Mrs. MacKaninee,

no, please.

I'd rather not

go out there.

You go.

You go, please.

Check it out for me.

Mrs. MacKaninee.

Look at me.

It's important.

I'm Norman,

not Andy.

I love typewriters

and chairs in the indoors.

Outdoors,

I'm basically

a swimmer.

I don't know how

I'll ever pay you

for giving me that money,

Mrs. MacKaninee.

There's got to be

some other way.

And I feel that

between the two of us,

we can certainly work...

(SCREAMING) Help!

Andy, wherever you are,

help me!

Your hand,

Mrs. MacKaninee...

Your arm.

Give me your arm,

Mrs. MacKaninee, please.

(STUTTERS)

I care for you.

I have always...

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHING)

Help! Buddy!

Mrs. MacKaninee,

don't sneeze.

Whatever you do,

don't sneeze!