Standing Up for Sunny (2019) - full transcript
An isolated guy with cerebral palsy is railroaded into helping an unassertive comedienne, and finds love and acceptance through stand up comedy.
- This is
the story of my best friend.
That's him.
Not now.
That's him now.
He has issues.
- Fuck off!
Intimacy issues.
- Nobody's home!
And anger issues.
And other stuff.
When you have a disability,
you're on display at all hours.
Travis is a solo act.
He lives alone
and he works alone.
And nobody dreams of
being alone forever.
- You're bent, you horn dog!
- Nice spasmobile!
Hey, now we know why
he walks like that.
- Yeah.
- He's got a permanent boner.
- I think
he shat himself!
- Oh shit!
Shit!
- Oh shit, run!
Run!
- Who's shitting themself now?
- No!
Oh, he's coming!
- You crazy fuck!
- Oh, shit.
- Up yours, loser!
- Oh, dear.
- Travis.
- Little shit!
- Listen,
what you have to understand
is that the kids in this
college are assholes.
But that doesn't
mean you can just go
and run the little
shitbags over.
- Am I fired?
- Travis, you have
problem with your anger.
Now you need to go
and talk to somebody.
You have to promise me.
- I don't have a problem.
It's not my fault
the world's fucked.
- Promise me.
- Freeze, asshole!
- That's me...
meeting Travis.
- Ah!
Motherfucker!
- Put your hands on your head!
Get on the couch and don't move!
- What couch?
- That couch!
- I can't see any couch,
I can't see anything.
I'm blind!
- Oh, shit.
Okay.
Here, just...
Sit there.
I'm calling an ambulance.
Can I get you anything?
- Oh.
A beer would be nice.
- I'm calling you an ambulance.
- What for?
- You said you can't see.
- I was blind already.
- What kind of burglar are you?
- I'm not a burglar, I
thought you were a burglar.
- I'm not a burglar,
I live here.
- Oh, well, that's
a relief then.
No one's a burglar.
- I get it now, you're
a little blind and...
you just stumbled into
the wrong apartment.
No harm done.
- Easy for you to say.
You didn't get hit over
the head with a frying pan.
- It was a freaking
baseball bat.
- Oh, no wonder my
freaking head hurts.
I need some medication.
Could you, in my bag there?
- Is this it?
- Yeah, that looks like it.
- Can I get
you a glass of water?
- Beer would be better.
- Uh...
I was thinking like asprin.
- No, you can't smoke asprin.
Are you freaking crazy?
Well,
I don't think you can, can you?
- You mind just telling
me what's going on?
- You should've received
one of these, didn't you?
- It's Braille.
What's it say?
- This is a
subsidised apartment.
- So?
- It has two bedrooms.
- So?
- Well, you can
only sleep in one.
- No, no.
Nuh-uh, not happening.
- It's official.
Either I move in or you
pay rent on the extra room.
Like 130, 350.
- Oh, God.
I can't afford that.
- Well it's settled then.
Oh man, we're gonna
have a great time.
- No, we're not!
- Yeah, sure we will, trust me.
I make the perfect roommate
because I got like
10 percent vision,
so you can like walk around
with your hairy boys hanging out
and I'll never know.
- No, I won't because
you are not staying.
Out!
- Are you pointing
at a door right now?
- No.
- I'm blind.
And homeless
with a possible concussion.
What's your disability?
Are you a heartless dick?
- Oh, oh, okay!
Okay, you can stay!
Just till we get
this sorted, okay?
And we need to set
some boundaries.
- Roomie!
- Boundaries!
When I am home, you
stay in your room.
- I've gotta unpack my stuff.
- Fine, you do that.
I'm going to the pub.
- Oh, great idea!
I'll come with you.
Are we walking or driving?
Oh shit, I guess we're walking.
Come on, take a hit.
Let's get to know
each other, I'm Gordo.
I'm 27.
I'm an Aries.
I'm Samoan.
I'm single but looking.
I enjoy bubble baths and...
Oh, British music of the '80s.
I play the ukulele.
- Give me that.
- Ha.
Yes.
And I'm like,
come on, toaster,
I want four toasts!
Not three on one side
and five on the other.
Just four all over!
You know what, this isn't
what I signed up for.
You made up the numbers,
toaster, not me.
I think my kitchen
appliances hate me.
- Lucky you're a barmaid
not a cook then, eh.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
- Forget the toast,
why won't you get me
another beer, please?
- Sorry, what was your name?
- Derick.
- I'm sorry.
- My name's Derick, Derick!
- No, I got that.
I just, I feel sorry for you.
- Ah.
- Well, you'll feel sorry
if you don't go
get me another beer
with a lot of head.
Oi.
- What an asshole.
- Ah!
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Clever, oh my God!
Play on words, so clever.
Asking for a foamy beverage
while implying an invitation
to suck your dick.
You're a wit.
About your dick.
You're a dick wit.
- You wanna step outside
and call me that?
- Yeah, sure.
It might take me a minute.
- Forget it, lucky you're
a freaking retard, mate.
- This is your idea of lucky?
Shit, I'd hate to see someone
you think is half bad run.
And retard?
Is that the best you can do?
- I don't know,
what else you got?
- I don't know, how
about spasmonaut?
Window-licker.
I get it, my appearance
can be a bit off-putting.
You know what, when I meet
a girl for the first time
I always get that same look.
And they always ask
the same question.
How did you get into my room?
- Get a light on him.
- But for the record,
I am not retarded.
I'm a spastic,
there's a difference.
The body,
body's fucked.
The brain, the brain is fine.
Kind of the opposite of you.
What'd you think
was gonna happen?
You just come in here and
see a beautiful girl on stage
and go, oh hey, here's the plan,
I'm gonna get shit-faced,
sit in the dark
and yell at her for a blowjob.
'Cause how could that not work?
I'm the retard?
There's a seat for you on
the sunshine bus, my friend.
- Oh!
- You wanna step
outside, be my guest.
If I'm not there
in five minutes,
just start without me.
- Um.
Yeah, where was I?
I was...
Toast.
Four people at seven?
Yeah.
Hey, thank you.
Yeah, no worries,
we can do that.
- Ah, gentlemen.
Nice work.
- Don't mention it.
- You got a real knack
for the put downs.
- That's mentioning it.
- Hey, not so fast, hombre.
What would you say to
a month of free beer?
- Hell yes!
- What's the catch?
- Look, that's not the first
time that's happened to Sunny.
How about you come in
and give her some tips
on how to repel
people like that?
- No thanks, my repulsiveness
is a natural gift.
Can't be taught.
- Bullshit, it's free beer!
He'll do it.
Introduce us.
Has she got big titties?
- She's my girlfriend.
- Yeah, has she got big titties?
- Who's this guy?
- Some fucking
freeloader I can't shake.
- He's joking.
I can tell by his
facial expression.
I'm his wise mentor.
His magical negro.
- You're not black.
- Fuck off, are you sure?
- Yeah.
- I look black to me.
- Everything looks black to you.
Look, you're the professional,
why don't you do it?
- Yeah, I'd just be better
if Sunny didn't know
I was doing this.
- Mmm, why?
- Trust issues?
- Some.
- And you're gonna fix
that by sneaking around
and doing shit behind her back?
- Sometimes she doesn't
know what's best for her.
- So I'm just supposed
to casually bump into her
and offer some advice?
- No, you take a job.
I'll make sure you're on
the same shift as her.
- Who's gonna hire an
inexperienced spastic
with anger issues
to pick up glasses?
- Me, I own the joint.
Hey, Felicity, do me a solid.
- Oh, see, to me that
sounds like you mean a shit,
doesn't it?
- Kinda.
- Yeah, it sounds like you
just asked her to do your shit.
- Oh, here she comes.
- I hope she doesn't.
- Felicity, this is...
- Travis.
- And Gordo.
- Yeah, put him on the
she same shift as Sunny.
He's gonna help her get
ready for the radio scouts.
- When can you start?
- Never.
I'm only here because
this fat freak
is cluttering my apartment.
- Only till you earn extra to
pay rent on the other room.
Which is?
- 133.50.
- Yeah, plus tax,
that's 200 even.
Plus drink for the
magical helper.
Bottomless.
Deal?
- You're
with Mikey in the morning,
keeping it real.
Okay, let's take some calls.
Today I wanna hear about the
weirdest job you've ever had.
- Hey, guys!
Such a big fan of the show.
I have the best story.
I can't believe...
- Pants!
For the love of God!
What time is it?
- Time for free
beers, bro, come on!
- Free for you.
- How hard can it be?
You just pick up some glasses
and talk to a pretty girl.
- How do you know she's pretty?
- Well, one, she's
not that funny
and two,
her boyfriend's a
celebrity dickhead.
- Oh, this is gonna suck.
- It's just until
you get the money.
Then you can kick me out and
grouch your way
through life and such.
- Mmmmm.
But then what, what's
gonna happen to you?
- I'll be fine.
I'm like a cat.
I always land on my feet.
- Yeah, clearly.
- Yeah, be cool.
- Hey!
Didn't expect to see you here.
Hello.
- Hey.
- This is a stupid idea.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
- Thanks.
- Cheers, mate.
- Excuse me.
Hey.
- Hey, what about this
guy the other night?
Pretty funny, huh?
- Yeah, you were, unlike me.
- Nah, you were fine.
That guy was a real douche.
- Ugh, yeah, men are sad.
Not you, though, you're special.
I mean, lovely special.
Not...
I'm just, I'm
gonna stop talking.
- Hey, you should be
mixing cocktails, mate.
You'd be a natural.
- Yeah.
- Do you
need a hand with--
- No, I got it.
- First day is going well.
It's hard to pick
my favourite moment
but I think I'm
gonna have to go with
covering my vegan
sister in beef gravy.
- I don't know why I
took this stupid job.
- Sure you do.
He took this stupid job
so he could talk to you.
- Wow, player.
- No, not like that.
I just wanted to see
if you needed any help.
With heckling.
- Did Mikey put you up to this?
- Why would he?
- He thinks I need to be
better at staying on track.
I tend to get swept
along a little bit.
Doesn't seem like an
issue for you though.
- Never been swept.
- So,
how would this work?
You being my personal rage guru?
- No idea, really.
- Wow, that sounds like a
really well thought out plan.
Okay, you know what, fine.
Let's do it.
See, that's me just
getting swept along.
- Well, I'll leave
you kids to it.
I gotta get to work.
- You work?
- Sure do.
I'm in the music business.
Yeah.
¶ Here I am sitting here
¶ Waiting for some
loose change ¶
¶ Here to remind you
¶ That everyday is a good day
- Hi.
¶ Let me here you smile
Thank you.
- Stage, obviously.
Mic stand.
Control nook.
Dressing rooms.
- Glamorous.
- That's why I'm in it.
- Yeah, why are you in it?
For real.
- If we're doing for
real questions...
- Oh.
Cerebral Palsy.
It's not contagious,
just neurological
childhood stuff.
Shit happens and this is the
shit that happened to me.
- Okay.
I'm doing it because Mikey has
this whole grand master plan
of me breaking into
breakfast radio, so...
- Swept along.
- A little bit.
- And you two?
- Like rabbits.
- But it's not the dream?
- Fucking like rabbits or
working in breakfast radio?
- Either.
- The money's good.
In radio but...
- But what?
- Do you know what it is to
want something in your bones
even if it doesn't make sense?
- Maybe.
- Come on.
I'll show you mine
if you show me yours.
Behold!
The dream.
- My favourite apprentice.
Who's this, huh?
Finally come to your senses
and get rid of that
little beardy finochio?
- No, Mario.
- I'm just--
- This is--
- Yeah.
- Travis.
- I'm just--
- He's my friend.
- Yeah.
- What happened to your legs?
- Uh.
What happened to your teeth?
- You need something fixed?
- Nah, I just, I came
to show him around.
- You know, I actually,
I do have a car.
- You do?
- Yeah.
It's a '85 Nissan Skyline.
- Oh, ironically hip.
- It's a shit box.
- Oh, don't say that.
Bring her in.
- Uh.
I kinda don't have a licence
and it's a little banged up.
Long story.
- Shorten it.
- I may have allegedly
intended to run
some kids over and kinda
crashed into a flag pole.
- You brought down the flag?
You are a rebel.
- Am I famous now?
- No, it's just I go to--
- You know,
I hate
those little remedial
learning shits, man.
Spawn of Satan.
- Wow.
You're really a pinata
full of crazy, aren't you?
Just crack you open
and out it pours.
Come on.
Now you show me yours.
One day I want a
workshop just like that.
What's your dream?
- I don't dream.
- Bullshit, everyone
has a dream.
Why don't you bring her in?
Mario and I will do her
up like new, pro bono.
- Mario seems like
a really cool guy.
- Yeah, beyond.
I wanna be that
guy when I grow up.
Only with teeth.
- So that's a pass on
the radio and rabbits?
- Well, cushy life
might be nice, you know?
But I don't always
wanna be defined
by my inability to make toast.
Don't forget to tune in
for "Mikey In the Morning."
7 A.M. weekdays!
Who says that men
never help around the house?
When my girlfriend's vacuuming--
- Is that him?
- That's him.
Is that not helping?
You tell me.
- He has a catchphrase.
Really?
Is that lame?
You tell me.
- You don't think he's funny?
- Uh, no.
- Okay.
- Frankly, I could live without
all the grease tracked
into the house.
- Yeah, I shower
at the workshop.
- Oh, I'm sure Mario
would love that.
- He is a hundred years old.
- He's still a man.
Oh God, listen to
me, I sound like mom.
- Mario's is part of my study
and I have to come up
with a major project
for Mechanics anyhow.
I don't have to do
this comedy thing.
- Yeah you do!
- Yeah you do!
- Darling, you could
have a career in radio.
It's perks a plenty,
premium money.
For what?
I sit in a studio a
couple hours a day
and I make people laugh.
- What's the worst
that could happen?
You buy me a house.
- Yeah, how do you think
I've afforded this place?
- Fine, I'll do it
until they see me.
- That's my girl.
- But as soon as
they realise I suck,
you'll both quit hassling me
and I can just get on
with my mechanic stuff.
- Sure.
- Babe, you'd got
a real shot here.
- Don't I get to
choose what I shoot at?
Okay, so what do we do now?
How do I learn to
do what you did?
- I don't know.
I just insulted myself, really,
and I did it better than he did.
- Yes, there's nothing
funnier than a bit of
good old fashion self-hate.
- Well,
you're shit out of luck then.
- Are you saying
that I'm not riddled
with festering self-loathing?
Moi?
- Well, what's to love?
- Story time.
Once upon a time, there
was a little girl.
Everyone said this little
girl was very pretty.
Especially Mr. Henry
from over the back.
When Mummy and Daddy were away,
Mr. Henry would come and
visit the little girl
and he'd give her
special treats.
Special secret treats.
- Don't.
- Fine.
I got messed around
with as a kid.
My parents never figured it out,
I fucking hated them for it.
I made them pay.
- Do they know now?
- If I run into them, I'll ask.
I've been living with my
sister since I was 15.
I guess they figured
out something was wrong
when I was hospitalised
with bulimia.
- Bulimia?
- Yeah, fun game,
have you ever played?
It's easy.
You start by wanting to be loved
and then you do something
that makes you feel like
you don't deserve that love,
so you withhold
reward from yourself.
Till one day, something snaps.
You can't live
without love, right?
Or in my case, you can't live
without chocolate cheesecake.
So you binge
but it never fills that
spot that's really empty
and now you really
fucking hate yourself,
you must be punished
and you've gotta offload
all that undeserved love
down the toilet.
- Well now who's the
pinata full of crazy?
You game to take that up there
and whack at it with a stick?
- Food is important
because it's the one thing
that can take your
mind off relationships.
- Yeah, is that the
whole horrible truth?
- What do you mean?
- What's really taking
your mind off what?
- Relationships.
Relationships are
incredibly important
because they're the
one thing in life
that can stop you
spending 24 hours a day
thinking about food.
- Yeah!
Yeah.
Therapy is basically paying
someone to be your friend.
It's one step away from
having your mom hang a
chop around your neck
so the dog will play with you.
- Except the chop
doesn't cost 180 per hour
and the therapist doesn't
try to hump your leg after.
Mostly.
- Whoa, what happened
to the toaster bit?
- I just, I feel like
it's a little bit dated.
- Dated?
I wrote that for you.
You always burn the toast.
It's your thing, Sunny.
- Yeah, and it was really,
it was funny at the time.
- Is this your stuff?
- I made some suggestions
but Sunny has the final say.
- Sunny has assertiveness
issues, don't you, babe?
- If you say so.
- What?
Mate, ditch the personal stuff.
That's not what
I'm paying you for.
I've got radio execs coming
to to the open mic night
and that nihilistic shit
is not breakfast radio.
Capisce?
- Yeah.
- Good.
- The toaster bit.
Why?
- It's good.
It's you.
It...
And it's relatable.
Everybody burns toast.
- Bella?
- Huh?
- Can you get me
a torque wrench?
You come up with a project yet?
- Mmmm.
Do you think it would
be possible to put
training wheels on my scooter?
- Why?
- Bathroom, hang on one sec.
- And so the terrorist says,
does my bomb look big in this?
Okay.
All right, next up,
we've got a girl
who's spent more
time behind bars
than Schapelle Corby,
our own Sunny O'Hara.
Just remember what I told you.
You'll be fine, you're adorable.
- Is there anything funnier
than a girl with
an eating disorder?
I don't think so.
You know what's weird though?
It's weird how proud
some people are
to tell you they're bulimic.
Like it's a badge of courage.
It's not, it's just
a disgusting illness.
I mean, who in their right
mind goes around bragging,
yep, yes, yes I do, I
suffer from haemorrhoids.
I blame the fashion industry.
They're always always
pushing the image
that a woman is only attractive
with enormous lumps
bulging out of her anus.
Ugh.
I mean, fashion magazines,
they made me bulimic.
No they didn't.
Stop kidding yourself.
Vogue could fill its covers
with fat chicks tomorrow,
it's not gonna cure one binger.
You wanna know how
I became bulimic?
Okay.
Sorry.
Sorry, I think I
just swallowed a bug
and what's really
disturbing about that
is that is the first time
I've eaten in front of anyone
in three years.
- You could eat me!
- Um...
I could eat you, yes.
Thank you, sir, I
suppose I could.
But I'd fucking just
throw up afterwards.
- It's good, it's well handled.
- Not bad.
- She's very good.
- Does she write
her own material?
- No, I've been helping her.
- I've spent years
trying to make myself
look like a Barbie doll
until it hit me.
The reason Barbie is so thin
is because she can't
bend her elbows.
Have you ever tried to get
food in your mouth like this?
Here we go.
Oh.
And...
- She's great.
- It
takes all kinds of dreams
to make the world go round.
Pipe dreams, heroic dreams,
wet dreams.
Travis had them all
and he found a way
to live them
through someone else
without ever showing his face.
- Want to be your friend.
- Mikey tells us radio's
always been your dream.
- That and the reoccurring one
where I'm trapped
in a sinking car.
- That's funny.
- See, told you.
- You--
- Told you.
- Don't need to joke with us.
- What's she saying
is, no pressure.
All right, 'cause we've met
all the great comedians, so--
- So nothing really
makes us laughing.
- Right.
- Okay.
- Look at me.
- Loot at him.
- Here's the 411.
We love you.
- We like you.
- You've got
the talent, right?
You've obviously got the looks.
You've got the sincerity.
- So important in radio.
- Got terrific material.
- The material was good.
- So we're gonna have a talk
about putting you on air now.
- You could be the contemporary
edge this show needs.
- Between us, no one else,
ratings are down.
- They've dipped a bit.
- A dip means its temporary.
- Temporary.
- Okay?
And I, we, can sell
the shit out of you.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Because what I'm seeing
is that face on a bus.
- Wow.
- That's my card.
- Do you have a card?
- No, I don't.
I don't, I don't, what
would I put on it?
- You get on it--
- It's very important.
- And get her a card!
- Everyone
in radio has a card.
- You're on our shortlist.
- You're on our list.
- Well you won't
be, dear, you're a star.
- We'll see, we'll see.
- What do you see in that guy?
- Okay, rude.
- I mean, you could
just do so much better.
- Right.
He is funny, famous,
good looking.
Doesn't think I'm certifiable.
I am totally lowering
my standards.
- And he's really shallow.
- Only on the surface.
You know what the radio
guys really liked?
It wasn't me, it was your jokes.
- Your life.
- That you made funny.
You should be up there.
- Oh, why not?
You'd be fucking incendiary.
- Some people are better
behind-the-scenes.
- You really have
no idea, do you?
- About what?
- About you.
- Pass me loofah?
- What the hell?
- The loofah.
The big scrubby sponge thingy.
You do have a loofah.
- What are you doing in my bath?
- Nothing nasty.
I'm just having a spa.
With my friends.
I needed to wash off
the sticky residue.
- Of what?
- Of unrequited dreams.
- In my tub?
- Well, if there's one thing
I learned from last night
it's when you want
something you don't have,
you use someone else's.
Hi,
I'm Sunny.
I'm cute and perky
and I'll say all your
funny shit for you
so you don't have to show
your hideously disfigured
self in public.
But what's in it for me?
Other than your hand up my ass.
- You think I'm using her?
- Did you ever stop
to ask what I want?
- Ugh.
- All right, here's to
the successful completion
of stage one.
- There are stages now?
What am I, the moon landing?
- Hey, mock not, we've
piqued their interest.
Now we just have to make it
impossible for them to say no.
- Say no to what?
It's not like I'm asking
them for anything.
- That's exactly the
attitude I'm looking for.
- Is it what she's looking for?
- Put a falafel
in it, wobbly boy.
- What're we talking
about here, Mikey?
- "Bring the Funny."
The biggest comedy
festival on the planet.
We're gonna enter you into
the unsigned open mic contest.
You win this and you
are breakfast radio.
- Oh wow, you say it like
it's such an easy thing.
There's actually gonna be
funny people doing this.
- All you need is
one good routine.
It's three heats.
The winner gets a slot in
the closing night showcase.
Televised live.
- Shouldn't we ask if
it's what she wants?
- Celebrity judges.
Rumour?
Barry Humphries.
- No way.
- Who?
- Only Dame Edna Everage.
An Australian cultural icon.
- Anyone in comedy
knows who he is.
- Yeah.
Where did you hear this?
- I move in circles.
- Do you get dizzy?
- So I want you guys together
working on seven
minutes of comedy gold.
From now on, you
two are inseparable.
Okay?
You were saying?
- Nothing important.
¶ I can see that you
are leading her on ¶
¶ I think I know what you are
- Thank you!
- Thank you very much!
¶ I can see that you
are leading her on ¶
¶ Yeah, I know what you are
¶ You can't see that
you're just the same ¶
¶ As all the stupid
people who you hate ¶
¶ I'm not saying I'm
free from blame ¶
¶ Because I need all
the friends I can get ¶
- Who needs 20 wheels?
- I'm Evel fucking Knievel.
Therapy.
¶ A long distance call
to a mystery blond ¶
¶ It wasn't good for business
¶ You say that she cried when
she heard the bird's song ¶
- On thing in
life that can stop you
spending 24 hours a day
thinking about food.
Dieting, for a girl
with body image issues,
the ultimate aim is to
end up looking like this.
But with boobs.
- Whoa, I thought we agreed
to stay away from
the personal stuff.
- You agreed, Mikey, but
if you want me to do this
you have to at least
let me do it as me.
- Sweetie, bulimia is not funny.
I'm just trying to
tell you what works.
- What works for you.
You can get away the
superficial chit chat
and the cute catchphrases.
- Hey, I'm not superficial.
I do all the telethons.
Those things go all night.
Look, all I'm trying to do--
- Is mould me to fit your image.
- Fine.
Yeah, yeah, I should
be at the studio.
I've got stuff to do.
You know, I didn't
have to choose you.
I mean, you know what I mean.
- Yeah, you mean that
you had better options
and that I should feel lucky.
- No.
- And I do, Mikey.
You make me feel
lucky to be with you
like I'm this broken thing
and you're the only one on
the planet that can fix me.
Maybe if I'm lucky.
- I don't need this.
- "Charlotte and Davo forever."
Sorry, kids, it was
never gonna last.
Davo is too fond of dope
and Charlotte is a dope.
Maybe they do have a chance.
Hello?
Campus is closed!
- My secret's out.
I'm one of the spawn of Satan.
- How long have
you been in there?
- Since lunchtime.
- Want a Tic Tac?
- Why, does my
breath, does it reek?
- No.
I just don't have
a handkerchief.
What's wrong?
- Life.
I decided I,
I might as well stay in
there and just die of misery.
Or the stench, whichever
got me first really
and then you came along,
you made me laugh and kinda,
you spoiled my whole
wallowing thing.
Can you believe the sad shit
that people write up here?
- There's a spare roller here.
- Thanks.
- I'm about as socially
desperate as it gets,
but even I don't want
my name in a heart
on the back of a toilet door.
- "Donna is a towel-head skank."
Not anymore.
- "Britney sucks dogs."
No she does not.
- Look at that, just wiping
out racial disharmony
and unsavoury bestial
practises in one stroke!
- And these
are the normal people.
- I know, right?
How did we become
the social outcasts?
- It's not fair, is it?
- If the world was fair,
ice cream would be slimming.
- If the world was fair,
small furry animals would
wear coats of super models.
- And chocolate
would cure pimples.
- Beer would improve driving.
- Neurosis would be
irresistibly attractive.
- Mmmm.
I think I need training wheels.
- No, you're fine.
Hey, why don't
you take her home?
- You think?
- Yeah.
Live dangerously.
- Um.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- I am peeing.
- You just gonna be a smart ass
little bitch your whole life?
- Okay, this situation
is a little vulnerable
for this particular game.
Can we just have a
temporary delay in play?
- You expect me to
be considerate of you
but you don't think
about the affect
of your actions on anyone else.
It feels good so you do it.
- Okay, this is fun.
- You've got a boyfriend
who's kinda hot
and kinda famous, but no,
you decided it
would be a good idea
to make out with
the little spastic.
- Good job, neighbourhood watch.
- What're you thinking?
- I don't know, maybe I...
Maybe I made one mistake.
Let's not turn this
into something--
- One mistake?
Sunny, this is
your fucking life!
You do these things because
it feels, I don't know,
exciting or naughty.
You invite people to use you
and when it all turns ugly,
you expect someone else
to come in and pick up
all your broken little pieces.
- If you're talking about what
I think you're talking about,
you can't blame me
for what that man did.
He was an adult
and I was a child.
- You could've done what I did.
You could've said no.
- He--
- Yeah, he tried.
Before you.
You're not so special.
You just don't
know how to say no.
- I was 12, you cunt.
- So was I.
- This is it.
Initiate launch procedure.
- Ever heard of Apollo 13?
You okay in there?
- Go away, please.
- 'Cause I'm
talking to an idiot--
- Oh shit.
I took her to Chinese for lunch.
For a girl who usually
eats a fork-full of moo goo
and half a fortune cookie,
she made a pretty
decent dent in the menu.
It's the MSG I bet.
Well, whatever it
is, we're screwed.
All that hard work for nothing.
Guess she won't be
needing you anymore.
What're you doing?
- Taking some advice
I got from a bath mitt.
Um.
Believe it or not,
I've been in therapy.
Therapy, right?
It's basically paying
someone to be your friend.
But with therapy, what
you're really paying for
is not for someone to
listen to you problems.
No, what you're
paying for is so that
you don't have to listen
to their shitty problems.
Yeah, I have issues.
The paper bag gave it away, huh?
I have cerebral palsy.
Yeah, I'm a full-time spastic.
Not just recreationally.
I don't need beer
to walk like this.
This is all me.
You know, when you
got cerebral palsy,
it's hard to pick up a girl.
It's hard to pick up a drink.
I mean, I met this
girl, I like her,
but what do I say?
I promise I won't try
to get in your pants.
I have enough trouble
getting in my own.
But don't feel bad for me.
There is an upside.
Girls like guys
they can fix, right?
So, right her, right?
This is catnip to the ladies.
My boss...
Thank you.
My boss tells me I
also have anger issues.
- You went on?
- You don't mind?
- No, I couldn't be happier.
- Yeah, well hold that thought.
You're out.
He's in.
He won the heat.
He's through the next round.
Who freaking knew?
- I told you!
Did I tell you?
- I'm sorry.
- No, you did me a favour.
It was never me, it
was you, you know that.
And now I can spend
more time at Mario's.
- Great, more
greasy fingernails.
Who doesn't find that hot?
- You're gonna
keep going, right?
- I guess.
- Yes you are!
You've got two more
rounds, you win those,
you're in the big show.
And Mikey will help you.
- Yeah because Mikey's
a freaking prince.
- Yeah, I might, I might just--
- Yeah, you do that, champ.
They want a photo before
you go, poster shot.
- Just
like that, perfect.
One more?
Okay.
- I feel rank.
- Oh, you feel bad now,
just try having a barium enema.
- Oh, retard.
- Oh, we're not gonna
do this again, are we?
- What's up?
You run out of jokes, have you?
- No.
I just don't think it's fair
to have a battle of wits
with an unarmed opponent.
What does that mean, huh?
Huh?
Now that's fucking funny!
Smartass!
- Come on, let's
not fight, okay?
- I'm not fighting, Mikey, I'm
just not agreeing with you.
Don't...
Travis?
Oh my God, Travis, shit!
Are you, Travis, are you okay?
- Rough crowd.
- Jesus, nice face period, mate.
I'll call an ambulance.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I'm fine.
- Okay, come on.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna
take you home, okay?
- You what?
- I'm gonna, Mikey, I'm
gonna take him home.
Okay?
- Sunny.
- Oh.
- You know you don't
have to do that.
- Well, you don't know me.
- I'm trying to.
- It's not that hard.
Some people would say
the real challenge
is getting me to back off.
- Some people are fuckwads
and especially ones with
tiny beards and catchphrases.
- Do you have anything to drink?
- Yeah.
Just cans.
You know, I get the
shakes sometimes,
break bottles
and chipped a tooth.
- Well,
here is
to following your dreams.
- To knowing your limitations.
- Hey, did you mean what
you said tonight on stage?
Uh-oh.
- No.
About needing therapy?
- No, about wanting to
say something to a girl
and not knowing how.
- Yeah, I'll get over it.
- Don't.
- Why did you,
why'd you do that?
- Why not?
¶ Come
¶ Husk your limbs
¶ To my floor
¶ Bones
¶ Sucking stones
¶ Her coming storm
¶ Under the lights you went
¶ Chemical ashes head down
¶ Heart on a diamond thread
¶ Fennel and lashes wet down
¶ Young star, haunted lynx
¶ Ring of sliver
¶ I want your bones
¶ Inside my bones
¶ Ooo
¶ Oooooo
¶ Oooooo
- Mikey?
- Yep.
- So,
what're you gonna do now?
- I'm not exactly sure.
I'm gonna have to talk to him.
I need you to trust me.
Can you do that?
What's this?
- It's trust.
This is gotta be the
best idea you ever had.
Left turn coming up.
In three, two, one, turn.
- So you're gonna
be like famous now.
On TV?
You're gonna be like
a poon tang magnet.
- No.
It's just a contest.
And there's two more heats.
- Which if you win.
- Then I'm in the showcase.
That, that's televised.
- And that's exciting, right?
For you?
- Yeah.
- I don't get TV.
To me it's just an
expensive fucking radio.
But seriously though,
I can't focus on driving
when I smell on you like....
ripe peaches and, and...
fresh sex.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, someone should market
that as a breakfast cereal.
Like, Snatch Krispies or...
Pussy Puffs!
- Dude, you're a bad person,
you know that, right?
And, you just missed our turn.
- So what?
I'm not in control.
You're not in control.
No one is.
It's an illusion.
You have to learn to go with it.
But like I always say,
trust in the universe
and then the good
things will happen.
- For the
record, I never say that.
I'm blind, I'm not stupid.
I don't believe
in happy endings.
- You're making the biggest
mistake of your life.
This is so you.
- What does that
supposed to mean?
- Oh look, a stray dog is
so cute, can I keep it?
- How fucking dare you.
- No, how fucking dare you!
- Bella, you
want me to do something?
- Hey, butt out, old man!
I'm not joking.
- Fine, Mario, I'm fine.
This is not the place, okay.
We can finish this--
- No, we're finished!
I'll see you in a few
days when you realise
what a massive fucking
mistake you've made.
This is real life,
not some cutesy fairytale.
You kiss a frog, in the morning
it's still gonna be a frog.
- Hey.
- You gonna invite us in?
- Why don't we take
her for a spin?
- Like this?
- Yeah, I mean, she
should run fine.
Let's go.
- Okay.
- Hey.
You look after her, okay?
- I'm not driving.
- Not the car.
Don't be an asshole.
She don't need another asshole.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Trav, are
you gonna rap or what?
Come on, Trav.
- This is everyday.
- Oh!
Queen!
- Here you go, bro.
- You're
just going in circles!
- Yay!
- Yeah!
- Yes!
- You look like a
praying mantis on crack!
Oh my God, Mario,
it's beautiful.
Let's put the windshield on.
Let's finish this.
Hey.
Mario.
Old man, it's a little early
for a siesta, isn't it?
Mario?
Mario.
- Il mio cuore.
- You're gonna be okay.
- Sorry, Bella.
- No don't need to be.
- I'm just a useless old man
who can't look after you.
- Oh, come on, people.
- Hey, Travis, can you call me?
There's something
I need to tell you.
Actually, don't call.
I should tell you in person.
- Hey.
- Oh.
You.
- Yep.
- You think I don't
know what's going on?
- You think I care
what you know?
- You should.
She's a student at the
school where you work.
Oh,
so you do care.
- You know, I didn't
come here to play games.
Sunny needs to
tell me something.
- What did you think
was gonna happen?
That she'd end up with you?
Oh.
Life tries to show us
what we need to see
but it's never completely clear.
It's hard to look at
yourself objectively.
And what you see depends on
what you're willing to believe.
- All right.
All right, all right,
all right, all right.
This next guy is competing for
a slot in the closing night
of the "Bring the
Funny" showcase.
I want you to go absolutely
nuts for our next contestant.
Give it up for a very funny guy,
Mysterious Bag Man.
Yes!
- You know, I had this
girlfriend, it didn't work out.
She left me.
She said, I can never
tell what you're thinking.
I'm like, what do you want?
This is the only
expression I can draw.
I'd kiss her and she'd
complain about paper cuts.
When we made love,
she said it was like
humping a Happy Meal.
The whole time it's all about
what she wants, what she needs.
Banging on my door
day and night.
Eventually, I had
to let her out.
- Come back out
here, dude, come on!
Very good, now...
So you just won your way
through to the final round,
a shot at the big
time, how's it feel?
How's it feel?
- Kinda dirty.
- Oh, okay.
Guys, give it up for
this guy one more time.
Mysterious Bag Man.
Huh?
Thanks for coming out!
- Hey.
Busted.
- What're you doing here?
- I was just looking
for some paper and...
I...
- Who said you
could look at that?
- Travis, is this you?
- I said, that's private.
- Sorry, I just...
I wanted to pop--
- You know,
you just...
you just can't barge in
and out of people's lives
whenever you feel like it!
- Wow, okay, that's not
what's happening here, Travis.
I tried to call you.
There's something
I need to tell you.
- Yeah, I know.
What makes you think
I fucking care?
- I don't know what happened
to make you like this
but it wasn't me, okay?
I didn't do this!
- Get out!
¶ Was our love
¶ Just a song
¶ I went to bed
¶ Thinking everything
was wrong ¶
- Travis.
We need to talk.
Now!
Now you told me that you
were gonna talk to somebody
about your issues.
- I've been talking
to a lot of people.
- Well, we both know
that this is not what I meant.
How many second chances do
you think I'm gonna give you?
- Technically just one.
After that would be a
third and fourth and--
- You have been accused
of getting students drunk
in the toilets after hours.
- Student, just one.
I thought I'd start
slow and work my way up.
- Of trying to run
over a student?
Of making sexual
advances with a student?
- They started it
and she kissed me.
- The girl's sister told me
that she's been spending
nights in your apartment.
Is that true?
- Well, not anymore.
So everybody happy now?
Gordo, can we talk?
- Hey, Trav, long
time no see, man!
Oh, well, ever.
- Yeah, ha.
- Really but--
- Yo, can you stop playing that,
I need to tell you something.
- Yeah, so tell me.
- Not why you're playing
that stupid goddamn song.
- Fine.
- I said stop it, all right!
- What the fuck?
What was that for?
- Shit, man, I...
Here, I'm sorry.
Just say something.
She went back to him.
- Well what did you
expect, you asshole?
- What, because I'm like this?
- No.
Because you're such a
fucking Nancy Hofstetter!
- A what?
- Nancy Hofstetter, man.
She's a girl I knew
in high school.
She wanted me to fuck her but
not put it in all the way.
Just the tip.
But that's you!
- I don't want you
to fuck me with any--
- Not me, fool!
Life!
You want life but
you won't let it in
in all its throbbing,
meaty glory.
You want life to fuck
you but with just the tip
and that's bullshit, my friend.
You gotta let life stick it
to you all the way, ball deep!
You gotta deep throat the
whole fucking catastrophe,
swallow and smile,
because what's life without
the fucking money shot?
It's all just
meaningless foreplay
and you end up jacking off.
Alone.
When you hit that point
at which everything
seems at its crappest...
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
- You
might just find that
breaking your ukulele
can be the best thing
that ever happened to you.
- My fault.
- Oh no, my fault.
What was that?
- My ukulele.
It was shattered already.
- Aw.
- Yours?
- I'm all good.
- Well, sorry.
- Happens to me all the time.
- Yeah, same.
I'm Gordo.
- Eve.
- Nice to meet you, Eve.
- And you are listening
to all the nonstop hits
with Mikey and Sunny
and when we're back we'll
be taking some calls.
What's on the
agenda today, Mikey?
- Well, girls, I wanna hear
about the wrongest
guy you've ever dated.
Let's start with you, Sunny.
Who's your wrongest guy?
- Uh.
Em.
Why don't we go to a song
while I think about that?
- Babe, this is what
we signed on for.
You've got your face
on a thousand buses.
- Oh wow, eat your heart
out, Helen of Troy.
- What more do you want?
- I don't want that.
I don't want you to--
- Oh, come on, don't
flake out on me now.
Stick with the programme.
Smile in the voice.
They can hear it, okay?
And we are back with Mikey
and Sunny in the morning.
Keeping it real.
First up, we have
our next caller.
- Thank you.
When we return, the moment
you've all been waiting for.
The "Hunger Games" of funny.
The final
winner-takes-it-all round
of the BTF unsigned
open mic competition.
- Travis.
Aren't you doing well?
It's great to see you, man.
It's great to see you.
- Mikey, on in five.
- All right, well I'll
leave you kids to catch up.
You've got plenty to
talk about, no doubt.
- Hey.
- I heard you on the radio.
- What did you think?
- You have to ask?
- Money's good.
- Yeah, I bet.
- Well,
good luck out there.
- So I've gotta go.
There's a girl waiting
for me backstage
with a monkey wrench
and a grease gun.
- Yeah!
The lesbolicious Rebecca
Talay, ladies and gentlemen!
Yeah!
All right, our next
contestant is also bent
but not sexually,
he's just plain bent.
Welcome to the stage,
the Mysterious Bag Man.
Now I love Bag Man,
we've shared a lot,
but I should warn you,
he's an angry young dude
and why shouldn't he be?
He's got cerebral palsy?
No, that's not just
a bad hangover.
Now, he's just come here
straight from therapy.
Therapy, what is that?
Is that just paying
someone to be your friend?
With therapy,
what're you paying for, really?
Are you paying for someone
to listen to your problems
or are you paying so you don't
have to listen to theirs?
You tell me.
- What do you
think you're doing?
- What, you don't
like those jokes?
- Yeah, they're great.
I know because I wrote them.
- Yeah, for me, I
paid you actually.
Awkward.
- Well then,
I guess I can't do
this one or this one
or this one!
Or these!
Screw it!
You know, congratulations.
You win.
Don't you have enough already?
And now you want this too?
- Come on, man, surely
you got something else.
What about one of
those fun stories
about what an
angry dude you are?
No?
Awkward.
Okay, folks, we might
just take a little break.
- You know, wait,
sure.
All right.
Here's a story, just for you.
It's about a kid,
three years old,
loved playing in the
rain with his dog.
- I hope it's got
a good punchline.
- So this kid is out
playing in the rain,
jumping from puddle
to puddle with his dog
and he lives in this old house
with like a million stairs going
all the way up to the door.
And they run inside,
dripping wet.
Puddles all over the floor.
The dog, he runs
up to the kid's dad
sitting in his favourite
chair watching TV.
And just shakes.
As dogs do.
And this dad,
he's got a bit of a temper.
Yeah, a bit of a temper.
And he grabs the dog
and he throws it
out into the rain,
down the stairs.
The kid is upset.
Starts hitting the dad.
Maybe he's inherited
a bit of his anger.
So the dad picks
up the little boy,
he picks him up and
he throws him out too.
Down the stairs,
out into the rain.
Breaks his arm,
bone sticking out.
Fractures his vertebrae,
cracks his skull.
The mom, the mom sees this,
she sees this and she tries
to help the little boy.
But the dad, he stops her.
He makes her go back inside
because it's raining after all.
So here's this boy,
lying in the mud,
brain bleeding on the
inside of his head,
he could die.
But he's not that lucky.
He gets to live
with brain damage
in steel bolts and crews
and tests and scans
and operations and...
and pain.
And nobody wanting
to play with him
because he can't keep up
and he's a freak.
And he will spend
the rest of his life
scaring off anybody
who gets too close
so he can pretend
that's what he wants.
- Okay, we might
just leave it there.
- You know that saying,
when they made him
they broke the mould?
Well I'm the guy they made
after him with a broken mould.
And that's why I get to tell
these jokes and you don't!
You know, yeah, I've
been to therapy.
They say I have anger problems.
Well I don't actually
think I have a problem.
I think it's this guy
who's about to have
this microphone stand
jammed up his ass
who's go the problem!
So is that enough of a
punchline for you, fuck face?
You tell me!
Ugh, see?
I don't need a girl to
knock me off my feet,
I can do it all by myself.
- Hey, come on.
- Fuck off!
Back off!
I don't need you!
I don't need anyone!
- Go have
another beer, freak!
- This
guy's off his tits.
- Ugh, he's
trying to grope me!
- Hey, what're you doing
grabbing her, buddy?
Woo!
Hit the pole.
Oi, he's taking a spill!
- Hey, stop it!
Piss off, you animals!
What're you staring
at, leave him alone!
- All right, then.
- Oh my God.
- Hey, Travis, it's Sunny.
It's okay, you're okay.
You're okay, you're okay.
Get off!
- I'm just calling an ambulance.
- Please, tell them to hurry.
- Ambulance.
- Are you Dame Edna?
- Not at the moment.
We've got a crisis here.
- Give me that, give me it.
Yes.
- Can I have your photo?
- We're on the corner of
Bray and King's Street.
Please hurry.
- Is he okay?
- He's calming down.
- I think so.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What that bastard
did was unacceptable.
- Thanks
for checking on me.
- Well, you gave
us all quite a scare.
- Yeah.
- You know, I shouldn't
have been so hard lined.
It's your life after all.
- Yeah, sad but true.
- What about last night?
How're you feeling?
- I don't know,
I don't remember.
- You don't remember
any of this?
- Last thing I remember,
I was on stage telling
the world things
I never tell anybody.
- Well, there was a bit of a
commotion after your seizure.
Sunny was there for you.
- Where is she now?
- I'm sorry, Travis.
- You said that already.
- No, about what
happened to you as a kid.
It was a terrible thing.
- I'll be all right from here.
- Wondered when
I'd see you again.
- Yeah, I've been
staying at Mikey's.
- And how's that working out?
- Well, it's no party
being in a relationship
with someone that wants
you to be somebody else.
- I'll add that to the list.
- The list?
- Things I
need to say sorry for.
- It's really not your fault.
- Are you sure?
I think I was the
number one cheerleader
for team Mikey from the get-go.
- Well, as you
said the other day,
I'm not your responsibility.
- I said a lot of shit
that wasn't right.
- Yeah, so did I.
- I didn't warn
you about that man
because I thought what he
did to me was my fault.
Because I was a bad person.
I never thought it could happen
to someone good, like you.
- You're not a bad person.
- When Mario died,
I let Travis see you with Mikey.
He took one look and bailed.
It was a shitty thing to do.
- Travis could've trusted
me, he could've spoken to me.
- Do you think you
could explain it?
Maybe you could still--
- What?
Just delay the inevitable?
Flic...
I can't be in a relationship
with someone that
doesn't trust me.
I think I'm done.
¶ I know you're headed
in the right direction ¶
¶ I gotta tell you
I'm so proud of you ¶
¶ Found your demons
and let them go ¶
¶ I hope you let it
all rest in peace ¶
¶ 'Cause I still pass
by your lonely home ¶
¶ You let it behind
and hit the road ¶
¶ So are you happy
with your reflection ¶
¶ Never wonder
where you belong ¶
¶ Because the open
road is your home ¶
¶ Even safe without
my protection ¶
¶ I gotta tell
you I feel alone ¶
¶ Even though you
will never know ¶
- Gordo!
- What the fuck?
Is this your idea of a joke?
It was supposed to be a
gift to say I'm sorry.
- Who leaves a surprise gift
on the doorstep of a blind man?
- Dude, I think I messed up.
- You think?
I'm wearing a freaking
ukulele for a shoe.
- No, not that.
This is serious.
- What is it?
- Mario.
He's dead, that's what
she wanted to tell me
and I saw her hugging
Mikey and just assumed.
I gotta be the dumbest
person on the planet.
- No.
But you are a spiky asshole.
- I don't think so.
- Hello?
- Fuck off!
- Oh, I've obviously
come to the right place.
Look, I believe these are yours.
- I don't need them anymore.
- You might.
- I won't.
- You might.
- I won't.
- You might.
- Can somebody tell me
what's going on here?
- The MC stole all his material.
- Mikey!
Oh that fucking cock.
- Well, you may say that.
I couldn't possibly comment.
- So what, is he the winner now?
- No, but the judges have
agreed to give your friend here
a spot in the showcase
as a wildcard.
- Awesome.
Ah, you are the man.
- I best be off.
See you at the theatre later.
Sorry about the short notice
but pulling strings takes a
bit longer than I thought.
- Yes!
You hear that, bro?
That dude got you a wildcard.
You're back in the game!
- I don't care anymore.
- But you care about
her, don't you?
Hey, numbnuts!
You want to talk to her?
This could be your last shot.
For Narnia!
- Tickets?
- We don't have
any tickets, Scott.
- Oh, then I can't admit you.
- Oh, no, he's in
the show, Scott.
- Really?
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
So you gonna let us in?
- No.
- But you just said.
- You can go to the stage
door then onto the stage
but you cannot go
into the auditorium.
- Where's the stage door?
- Back down the concourse,
around the side,
around the back,
down the stairs.
- Can't we just go
through here, Scott?
- Do you have a ticket?
- Oh, Scott.
Trav?
Trav?
- Come on, come on.
Come on.
- Tickets.
- Sign in.
There's no plus ones.
Your friend can't
come backstage.
- Oh, he's disabled,
I'm his carer.
- You're blind.
He's an equal
opportunity employer.
What're you gonna say?
- I have absolutely no clue.
- Cue the dancing girls.
- Oh, dancing girls.
- Who are you?
- Oh, he's the wildcard.
The judge personally
came over to let him know
he had a slot on tonight's show.
Some unconscionable shit happen.
And bottom line, he
was freaking sabotaged.
- Yeah, I heard about that.
I saw it on Twitter.
Man, that was so uncool.
- Yeah, that Mikey guy's a dick.
- And he's not good in bed.
Really bad.
- You're on here
but you're late.
You missed your
slot, you're cut.
- Come on, I just need like--
- It's live television.
Everybody gets seven
minutes, that's how it goes.
It's a tough break.
You gotta get here on time.
- Come on!
Where's your fucking heart?
Can't you see this guy's
all twisted up emotionally
and physically?
He's in love and his
girl is out there.
And...
And this is his last shot.
- I'm sorry, I
can't just make time.
- Do you really love
this girl, for real?
- Yes, for real.
- Well,
can he have two of my minutes?
- I guess.
- There you go, I'll do five.
- Fine, I'll do
five minutes too.
You can have two of my minutes.
- All right, I guess I
could cut alarm clock enema.
You can have two
of my minutes too.
- Thank you!
Thank you so much!
- You good to go now?
- Hey man, where's
your paper bag?
- I'm not doing that anymore.
- Our next act,
he's our wildcard surprise,
it's the Bag Man, himself!
- Just get out there, man!
Kill it, you're
gonna be so good!
- Yeah, you go get 'em, bud.
- It's a good audience, man.
- Yeah, it's great.
- You got this!
- What the fuck?
I thought he lost.
Some people just don't
know when to quit.
- Um.
Could I...
- Somebody is about to
eat a big shit sandwich.
- No, uh...
Do you mind raising your
hands if you're cool
with me telling some jokes
about disabled people?
All right, well that's fucking
great, you sick bastards.
Why'd you all laugh at that?
People like to make
fun of the disabled
and why not?
You know, right?
They say laughter is
the best medicine.
Well, if that's the case,
the only reason why I'm
still walking like this
is because you people aren't
making fun of me enough.
You gotta lift up your game.
Why did God make spastics?
I mean, You're
omnipotent, right?
And this is the best You can do?
This body is like a
1985 Nissan Skyline.
It'll get you to
where you need to go
but you wouldn't
recommend it to anyone
and you're not gonna
get a lot of chicks
lining up for a ride.
You know?
When you've got Cerebral Palsy,
you know, it's hard
to pick up a girl.
It's hard to pick up a glass.
You know, when I meet a
girl for the first time
I always get the same look
and they always ask
me that same question.
How did you get into my room?
So I met this girl.
Yeah, yeah.
That wasn't the joke.
But she was smart and beautiful
and funny and...
And smelled like the
best breakfast cereal.
And she didn't look at
me like everyone else.
In fact, she fell for me.
Which was new.
Usually I'm the one
doing the falling.
I gotta confess,
I felt a little self-conscious.
So I started wearing
a bag over my head,
which some of you saw that, huh?
I thought it might had the
fact that I had problems.
Well, that was a mistake.
Who knew?
Oh yeah, you all did.
Yeah.
Is anyone in this room that's
not self-conscious or insecure?
Oh.
This guy's got his hand up.
Sir, do you not own a mirror?
Like, I can talk.
When God made me He must've left
the instructions upside down
going through his Ikea phase.
I got a spare nut in
the drawer at home.
I don't know where
that fucker goes.
- You can't beat
a good ball joke.
- You sure can't, my friend.
- Yeah.
- But she picked right away
that I had a disability.
No,
not this.
I also suffer from a
debilitating condition
called Premature Rejeculation.
You know how some
men come too soon?
Well I leave too soon.
Stare at me, I leave.
Ignore me, I leave.
Rub me the wrong way, I leave.
You know, a typical relationship
goes something like,
hello, lovely to meet you.
Fuck off!
So...
So I meet this girl and I think,
soulmate.
All my sins absolved,
all my flaws redeemed.
You complete me,
right?
Wrong.
I was a spiky asshole
before I met her,
I was a spiky asshole
while I was with her
and after I lost her,
you got it,
I was a spiky asshole.
Falling in love
is a lot of things
but there's no magic bullet.
No one can change who you are.
Maybe,
maybe I'll always walk funny.
Maybe I'll always talk funny.
Maybe my ass will
always be spiky.
Maybe my hands will always
shake when she touches me.
Maybe I'll always
skate in circles
and dance like a
praying mantis on crack.
Maybe I'll always
be the wrongest guy
but if she's okay with that
and can love me anyway,
there's gotta be something
wrong with her too.
Right?
Screw it.
There's something wrong with me
and there's something
wrong with you.
And you.
And definitely something
wrong with you.
There's something
wrong with all of us.
We're all a bunch of
emotional cripples.
Emotional spastics.
But if someone has the
courage to love us anyways,
then what fucking
excuse have we got?
So,
here's my tip,
whatever bag you
have over your head,
lose it now.
Stop hiding who you are.
And find the courage
to love yourself.
Spare nut, spiky ass and all.
- Woo!
So that's my friend
and that was his story.
- Good job!
- Sunny!
- Sunny, just you!
Yeah, one more!
- Aye.
- Oh!
Hey!
Hey.
Look, I just wanted
to say I'm sorry.
- Yeah, I think I got that.
And...
I just wanted to say...
- What the fuck?
- Yeah.
Remember I said I don't
believe in happy endings?
But I do believe in
happy beginnings.
¶ My head is a box
filled with nothing ¶
¶ That's the way I like it
Next time you feel
like you're doing it tough,
just remember your
life is a joke.
So you better start laughing.
¶ Your body's a dream
that turns violent ¶
¶ That's the way I like it
¶ That's the way I like it
¶ She tells me she loves me
- You can
bet your ass everybody else is.
¶ That's the way I like it
¶ So please
¶ Baby, please
¶ Open your eyes
¶ Catch my disease
¶ So please
¶ Baby, please
¶ Come on
¶ Catch my disease
¶ La, la, la, la, la, la
¶ They play RY X on the radio
¶ That's the way I like it
¶ They play Heath
Cullen on the radio ¶
¶ That's the way I like it
That's the way I like it.
¶ I hear Hazel
English on the radio ¶
¶ That's the way I like,
that the way I like it ¶
¶ They play Camera
Obscura on the radio ¶
¶ And that's the way I like it
¶ So please
¶ Baby please
¶ Open your heart
¶ Catch my disease
the story of my best friend.
That's him.
Not now.
That's him now.
He has issues.
- Fuck off!
Intimacy issues.
- Nobody's home!
And anger issues.
And other stuff.
When you have a disability,
you're on display at all hours.
Travis is a solo act.
He lives alone
and he works alone.
And nobody dreams of
being alone forever.
- You're bent, you horn dog!
- Nice spasmobile!
Hey, now we know why
he walks like that.
- Yeah.
- He's got a permanent boner.
- I think
he shat himself!
- Oh shit!
Shit!
- Oh shit, run!
Run!
- Who's shitting themself now?
- No!
Oh, he's coming!
- You crazy fuck!
- Oh, shit.
- Up yours, loser!
- Oh, dear.
- Travis.
- Little shit!
- Listen,
what you have to understand
is that the kids in this
college are assholes.
But that doesn't
mean you can just go
and run the little
shitbags over.
- Am I fired?
- Travis, you have
problem with your anger.
Now you need to go
and talk to somebody.
You have to promise me.
- I don't have a problem.
It's not my fault
the world's fucked.
- Promise me.
- Freeze, asshole!
- That's me...
meeting Travis.
- Ah!
Motherfucker!
- Put your hands on your head!
Get on the couch and don't move!
- What couch?
- That couch!
- I can't see any couch,
I can't see anything.
I'm blind!
- Oh, shit.
Okay.
Here, just...
Sit there.
I'm calling an ambulance.
Can I get you anything?
- Oh.
A beer would be nice.
- I'm calling you an ambulance.
- What for?
- You said you can't see.
- I was blind already.
- What kind of burglar are you?
- I'm not a burglar, I
thought you were a burglar.
- I'm not a burglar,
I live here.
- Oh, well, that's
a relief then.
No one's a burglar.
- I get it now, you're
a little blind and...
you just stumbled into
the wrong apartment.
No harm done.
- Easy for you to say.
You didn't get hit over
the head with a frying pan.
- It was a freaking
baseball bat.
- Oh, no wonder my
freaking head hurts.
I need some medication.
Could you, in my bag there?
- Is this it?
- Yeah, that looks like it.
- Can I get
you a glass of water?
- Beer would be better.
- Uh...
I was thinking like asprin.
- No, you can't smoke asprin.
Are you freaking crazy?
Well,
I don't think you can, can you?
- You mind just telling
me what's going on?
- You should've received
one of these, didn't you?
- It's Braille.
What's it say?
- This is a
subsidised apartment.
- So?
- It has two bedrooms.
- So?
- Well, you can
only sleep in one.
- No, no.
Nuh-uh, not happening.
- It's official.
Either I move in or you
pay rent on the extra room.
Like 130, 350.
- Oh, God.
I can't afford that.
- Well it's settled then.
Oh man, we're gonna
have a great time.
- No, we're not!
- Yeah, sure we will, trust me.
I make the perfect roommate
because I got like
10 percent vision,
so you can like walk around
with your hairy boys hanging out
and I'll never know.
- No, I won't because
you are not staying.
Out!
- Are you pointing
at a door right now?
- No.
- I'm blind.
And homeless
with a possible concussion.
What's your disability?
Are you a heartless dick?
- Oh, oh, okay!
Okay, you can stay!
Just till we get
this sorted, okay?
And we need to set
some boundaries.
- Roomie!
- Boundaries!
When I am home, you
stay in your room.
- I've gotta unpack my stuff.
- Fine, you do that.
I'm going to the pub.
- Oh, great idea!
I'll come with you.
Are we walking or driving?
Oh shit, I guess we're walking.
Come on, take a hit.
Let's get to know
each other, I'm Gordo.
I'm 27.
I'm an Aries.
I'm Samoan.
I'm single but looking.
I enjoy bubble baths and...
Oh, British music of the '80s.
I play the ukulele.
- Give me that.
- Ha.
Yes.
And I'm like,
come on, toaster,
I want four toasts!
Not three on one side
and five on the other.
Just four all over!
You know what, this isn't
what I signed up for.
You made up the numbers,
toaster, not me.
I think my kitchen
appliances hate me.
- Lucky you're a barmaid
not a cook then, eh.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
- Forget the toast,
why won't you get me
another beer, please?
- Sorry, what was your name?
- Derick.
- I'm sorry.
- My name's Derick, Derick!
- No, I got that.
I just, I feel sorry for you.
- Ah.
- Well, you'll feel sorry
if you don't go
get me another beer
with a lot of head.
Oi.
- What an asshole.
- Ah!
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Clever, oh my God!
Play on words, so clever.
Asking for a foamy beverage
while implying an invitation
to suck your dick.
You're a wit.
About your dick.
You're a dick wit.
- You wanna step outside
and call me that?
- Yeah, sure.
It might take me a minute.
- Forget it, lucky you're
a freaking retard, mate.
- This is your idea of lucky?
Shit, I'd hate to see someone
you think is half bad run.
And retard?
Is that the best you can do?
- I don't know,
what else you got?
- I don't know, how
about spasmonaut?
Window-licker.
I get it, my appearance
can be a bit off-putting.
You know what, when I meet
a girl for the first time
I always get that same look.
And they always ask
the same question.
How did you get into my room?
- Get a light on him.
- But for the record,
I am not retarded.
I'm a spastic,
there's a difference.
The body,
body's fucked.
The brain, the brain is fine.
Kind of the opposite of you.
What'd you think
was gonna happen?
You just come in here and
see a beautiful girl on stage
and go, oh hey, here's the plan,
I'm gonna get shit-faced,
sit in the dark
and yell at her for a blowjob.
'Cause how could that not work?
I'm the retard?
There's a seat for you on
the sunshine bus, my friend.
- Oh!
- You wanna step
outside, be my guest.
If I'm not there
in five minutes,
just start without me.
- Um.
Yeah, where was I?
I was...
Toast.
Four people at seven?
Yeah.
Hey, thank you.
Yeah, no worries,
we can do that.
- Ah, gentlemen.
Nice work.
- Don't mention it.
- You got a real knack
for the put downs.
- That's mentioning it.
- Hey, not so fast, hombre.
What would you say to
a month of free beer?
- Hell yes!
- What's the catch?
- Look, that's not the first
time that's happened to Sunny.
How about you come in
and give her some tips
on how to repel
people like that?
- No thanks, my repulsiveness
is a natural gift.
Can't be taught.
- Bullshit, it's free beer!
He'll do it.
Introduce us.
Has she got big titties?
- She's my girlfriend.
- Yeah, has she got big titties?
- Who's this guy?
- Some fucking
freeloader I can't shake.
- He's joking.
I can tell by his
facial expression.
I'm his wise mentor.
His magical negro.
- You're not black.
- Fuck off, are you sure?
- Yeah.
- I look black to me.
- Everything looks black to you.
Look, you're the professional,
why don't you do it?
- Yeah, I'd just be better
if Sunny didn't know
I was doing this.
- Mmm, why?
- Trust issues?
- Some.
- And you're gonna fix
that by sneaking around
and doing shit behind her back?
- Sometimes she doesn't
know what's best for her.
- So I'm just supposed
to casually bump into her
and offer some advice?
- No, you take a job.
I'll make sure you're on
the same shift as her.
- Who's gonna hire an
inexperienced spastic
with anger issues
to pick up glasses?
- Me, I own the joint.
Hey, Felicity, do me a solid.
- Oh, see, to me that
sounds like you mean a shit,
doesn't it?
- Kinda.
- Yeah, it sounds like you
just asked her to do your shit.
- Oh, here she comes.
- I hope she doesn't.
- Felicity, this is...
- Travis.
- And Gordo.
- Yeah, put him on the
she same shift as Sunny.
He's gonna help her get
ready for the radio scouts.
- When can you start?
- Never.
I'm only here because
this fat freak
is cluttering my apartment.
- Only till you earn extra to
pay rent on the other room.
Which is?
- 133.50.
- Yeah, plus tax,
that's 200 even.
Plus drink for the
magical helper.
Bottomless.
Deal?
- You're
with Mikey in the morning,
keeping it real.
Okay, let's take some calls.
Today I wanna hear about the
weirdest job you've ever had.
- Hey, guys!
Such a big fan of the show.
I have the best story.
I can't believe...
- Pants!
For the love of God!
What time is it?
- Time for free
beers, bro, come on!
- Free for you.
- How hard can it be?
You just pick up some glasses
and talk to a pretty girl.
- How do you know she's pretty?
- Well, one, she's
not that funny
and two,
her boyfriend's a
celebrity dickhead.
- Oh, this is gonna suck.
- It's just until
you get the money.
Then you can kick me out and
grouch your way
through life and such.
- Mmmmm.
But then what, what's
gonna happen to you?
- I'll be fine.
I'm like a cat.
I always land on my feet.
- Yeah, clearly.
- Yeah, be cool.
- Hey!
Didn't expect to see you here.
Hello.
- Hey.
- This is a stupid idea.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
- Thanks.
- Cheers, mate.
- Excuse me.
Hey.
- Hey, what about this
guy the other night?
Pretty funny, huh?
- Yeah, you were, unlike me.
- Nah, you were fine.
That guy was a real douche.
- Ugh, yeah, men are sad.
Not you, though, you're special.
I mean, lovely special.
Not...
I'm just, I'm
gonna stop talking.
- Hey, you should be
mixing cocktails, mate.
You'd be a natural.
- Yeah.
- Do you
need a hand with--
- No, I got it.
- First day is going well.
It's hard to pick
my favourite moment
but I think I'm
gonna have to go with
covering my vegan
sister in beef gravy.
- I don't know why I
took this stupid job.
- Sure you do.
He took this stupid job
so he could talk to you.
- Wow, player.
- No, not like that.
I just wanted to see
if you needed any help.
With heckling.
- Did Mikey put you up to this?
- Why would he?
- He thinks I need to be
better at staying on track.
I tend to get swept
along a little bit.
Doesn't seem like an
issue for you though.
- Never been swept.
- So,
how would this work?
You being my personal rage guru?
- No idea, really.
- Wow, that sounds like a
really well thought out plan.
Okay, you know what, fine.
Let's do it.
See, that's me just
getting swept along.
- Well, I'll leave
you kids to it.
I gotta get to work.
- You work?
- Sure do.
I'm in the music business.
Yeah.
¶ Here I am sitting here
¶ Waiting for some
loose change ¶
¶ Here to remind you
¶ That everyday is a good day
- Hi.
¶ Let me here you smile
Thank you.
- Stage, obviously.
Mic stand.
Control nook.
Dressing rooms.
- Glamorous.
- That's why I'm in it.
- Yeah, why are you in it?
For real.
- If we're doing for
real questions...
- Oh.
Cerebral Palsy.
It's not contagious,
just neurological
childhood stuff.
Shit happens and this is the
shit that happened to me.
- Okay.
I'm doing it because Mikey has
this whole grand master plan
of me breaking into
breakfast radio, so...
- Swept along.
- A little bit.
- And you two?
- Like rabbits.
- But it's not the dream?
- Fucking like rabbits or
working in breakfast radio?
- Either.
- The money's good.
In radio but...
- But what?
- Do you know what it is to
want something in your bones
even if it doesn't make sense?
- Maybe.
- Come on.
I'll show you mine
if you show me yours.
Behold!
The dream.
- My favourite apprentice.
Who's this, huh?
Finally come to your senses
and get rid of that
little beardy finochio?
- No, Mario.
- I'm just--
- This is--
- Yeah.
- Travis.
- I'm just--
- He's my friend.
- Yeah.
- What happened to your legs?
- Uh.
What happened to your teeth?
- You need something fixed?
- Nah, I just, I came
to show him around.
- You know, I actually,
I do have a car.
- You do?
- Yeah.
It's a '85 Nissan Skyline.
- Oh, ironically hip.
- It's a shit box.
- Oh, don't say that.
Bring her in.
- Uh.
I kinda don't have a licence
and it's a little banged up.
Long story.
- Shorten it.
- I may have allegedly
intended to run
some kids over and kinda
crashed into a flag pole.
- You brought down the flag?
You are a rebel.
- Am I famous now?
- No, it's just I go to--
- You know,
I hate
those little remedial
learning shits, man.
Spawn of Satan.
- Wow.
You're really a pinata
full of crazy, aren't you?
Just crack you open
and out it pours.
Come on.
Now you show me yours.
One day I want a
workshop just like that.
What's your dream?
- I don't dream.
- Bullshit, everyone
has a dream.
Why don't you bring her in?
Mario and I will do her
up like new, pro bono.
- Mario seems like
a really cool guy.
- Yeah, beyond.
I wanna be that
guy when I grow up.
Only with teeth.
- So that's a pass on
the radio and rabbits?
- Well, cushy life
might be nice, you know?
But I don't always
wanna be defined
by my inability to make toast.
Don't forget to tune in
for "Mikey In the Morning."
7 A.M. weekdays!
Who says that men
never help around the house?
When my girlfriend's vacuuming--
- Is that him?
- That's him.
Is that not helping?
You tell me.
- He has a catchphrase.
Really?
Is that lame?
You tell me.
- You don't think he's funny?
- Uh, no.
- Okay.
- Frankly, I could live without
all the grease tracked
into the house.
- Yeah, I shower
at the workshop.
- Oh, I'm sure Mario
would love that.
- He is a hundred years old.
- He's still a man.
Oh God, listen to
me, I sound like mom.
- Mario's is part of my study
and I have to come up
with a major project
for Mechanics anyhow.
I don't have to do
this comedy thing.
- Yeah you do!
- Yeah you do!
- Darling, you could
have a career in radio.
It's perks a plenty,
premium money.
For what?
I sit in a studio a
couple hours a day
and I make people laugh.
- What's the worst
that could happen?
You buy me a house.
- Yeah, how do you think
I've afforded this place?
- Fine, I'll do it
until they see me.
- That's my girl.
- But as soon as
they realise I suck,
you'll both quit hassling me
and I can just get on
with my mechanic stuff.
- Sure.
- Babe, you'd got
a real shot here.
- Don't I get to
choose what I shoot at?
Okay, so what do we do now?
How do I learn to
do what you did?
- I don't know.
I just insulted myself, really,
and I did it better than he did.
- Yes, there's nothing
funnier than a bit of
good old fashion self-hate.
- Well,
you're shit out of luck then.
- Are you saying
that I'm not riddled
with festering self-loathing?
Moi?
- Well, what's to love?
- Story time.
Once upon a time, there
was a little girl.
Everyone said this little
girl was very pretty.
Especially Mr. Henry
from over the back.
When Mummy and Daddy were away,
Mr. Henry would come and
visit the little girl
and he'd give her
special treats.
Special secret treats.
- Don't.
- Fine.
I got messed around
with as a kid.
My parents never figured it out,
I fucking hated them for it.
I made them pay.
- Do they know now?
- If I run into them, I'll ask.
I've been living with my
sister since I was 15.
I guess they figured
out something was wrong
when I was hospitalised
with bulimia.
- Bulimia?
- Yeah, fun game,
have you ever played?
It's easy.
You start by wanting to be loved
and then you do something
that makes you feel like
you don't deserve that love,
so you withhold
reward from yourself.
Till one day, something snaps.
You can't live
without love, right?
Or in my case, you can't live
without chocolate cheesecake.
So you binge
but it never fills that
spot that's really empty
and now you really
fucking hate yourself,
you must be punished
and you've gotta offload
all that undeserved love
down the toilet.
- Well now who's the
pinata full of crazy?
You game to take that up there
and whack at it with a stick?
- Food is important
because it's the one thing
that can take your
mind off relationships.
- Yeah, is that the
whole horrible truth?
- What do you mean?
- What's really taking
your mind off what?
- Relationships.
Relationships are
incredibly important
because they're the
one thing in life
that can stop you
spending 24 hours a day
thinking about food.
- Yeah!
Yeah.
Therapy is basically paying
someone to be your friend.
It's one step away from
having your mom hang a
chop around your neck
so the dog will play with you.
- Except the chop
doesn't cost 180 per hour
and the therapist doesn't
try to hump your leg after.
Mostly.
- Whoa, what happened
to the toaster bit?
- I just, I feel like
it's a little bit dated.
- Dated?
I wrote that for you.
You always burn the toast.
It's your thing, Sunny.
- Yeah, and it was really,
it was funny at the time.
- Is this your stuff?
- I made some suggestions
but Sunny has the final say.
- Sunny has assertiveness
issues, don't you, babe?
- If you say so.
- What?
Mate, ditch the personal stuff.
That's not what
I'm paying you for.
I've got radio execs coming
to to the open mic night
and that nihilistic shit
is not breakfast radio.
Capisce?
- Yeah.
- Good.
- The toaster bit.
Why?
- It's good.
It's you.
It...
And it's relatable.
Everybody burns toast.
- Bella?
- Huh?
- Can you get me
a torque wrench?
You come up with a project yet?
- Mmmm.
Do you think it would
be possible to put
training wheels on my scooter?
- Why?
- Bathroom, hang on one sec.
- And so the terrorist says,
does my bomb look big in this?
Okay.
All right, next up,
we've got a girl
who's spent more
time behind bars
than Schapelle Corby,
our own Sunny O'Hara.
Just remember what I told you.
You'll be fine, you're adorable.
- Is there anything funnier
than a girl with
an eating disorder?
I don't think so.
You know what's weird though?
It's weird how proud
some people are
to tell you they're bulimic.
Like it's a badge of courage.
It's not, it's just
a disgusting illness.
I mean, who in their right
mind goes around bragging,
yep, yes, yes I do, I
suffer from haemorrhoids.
I blame the fashion industry.
They're always always
pushing the image
that a woman is only attractive
with enormous lumps
bulging out of her anus.
Ugh.
I mean, fashion magazines,
they made me bulimic.
No they didn't.
Stop kidding yourself.
Vogue could fill its covers
with fat chicks tomorrow,
it's not gonna cure one binger.
You wanna know how
I became bulimic?
Okay.
Sorry.
Sorry, I think I
just swallowed a bug
and what's really
disturbing about that
is that is the first time
I've eaten in front of anyone
in three years.
- You could eat me!
- Um...
I could eat you, yes.
Thank you, sir, I
suppose I could.
But I'd fucking just
throw up afterwards.
- It's good, it's well handled.
- Not bad.
- She's very good.
- Does she write
her own material?
- No, I've been helping her.
- I've spent years
trying to make myself
look like a Barbie doll
until it hit me.
The reason Barbie is so thin
is because she can't
bend her elbows.
Have you ever tried to get
food in your mouth like this?
Here we go.
Oh.
And...
- She's great.
- It
takes all kinds of dreams
to make the world go round.
Pipe dreams, heroic dreams,
wet dreams.
Travis had them all
and he found a way
to live them
through someone else
without ever showing his face.
- Want to be your friend.
- Mikey tells us radio's
always been your dream.
- That and the reoccurring one
where I'm trapped
in a sinking car.
- That's funny.
- See, told you.
- You--
- Told you.
- Don't need to joke with us.
- What's she saying
is, no pressure.
All right, 'cause we've met
all the great comedians, so--
- So nothing really
makes us laughing.
- Right.
- Okay.
- Look at me.
- Loot at him.
- Here's the 411.
We love you.
- We like you.
- You've got
the talent, right?
You've obviously got the looks.
You've got the sincerity.
- So important in radio.
- Got terrific material.
- The material was good.
- So we're gonna have a talk
about putting you on air now.
- You could be the contemporary
edge this show needs.
- Between us, no one else,
ratings are down.
- They've dipped a bit.
- A dip means its temporary.
- Temporary.
- Okay?
And I, we, can sell
the shit out of you.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Because what I'm seeing
is that face on a bus.
- Wow.
- That's my card.
- Do you have a card?
- No, I don't.
I don't, I don't, what
would I put on it?
- You get on it--
- It's very important.
- And get her a card!
- Everyone
in radio has a card.
- You're on our shortlist.
- You're on our list.
- Well you won't
be, dear, you're a star.
- We'll see, we'll see.
- What do you see in that guy?
- Okay, rude.
- I mean, you could
just do so much better.
- Right.
He is funny, famous,
good looking.
Doesn't think I'm certifiable.
I am totally lowering
my standards.
- And he's really shallow.
- Only on the surface.
You know what the radio
guys really liked?
It wasn't me, it was your jokes.
- Your life.
- That you made funny.
You should be up there.
- Oh, why not?
You'd be fucking incendiary.
- Some people are better
behind-the-scenes.
- You really have
no idea, do you?
- About what?
- About you.
- Pass me loofah?
- What the hell?
- The loofah.
The big scrubby sponge thingy.
You do have a loofah.
- What are you doing in my bath?
- Nothing nasty.
I'm just having a spa.
With my friends.
I needed to wash off
the sticky residue.
- Of what?
- Of unrequited dreams.
- In my tub?
- Well, if there's one thing
I learned from last night
it's when you want
something you don't have,
you use someone else's.
Hi,
I'm Sunny.
I'm cute and perky
and I'll say all your
funny shit for you
so you don't have to show
your hideously disfigured
self in public.
But what's in it for me?
Other than your hand up my ass.
- You think I'm using her?
- Did you ever stop
to ask what I want?
- Ugh.
- All right, here's to
the successful completion
of stage one.
- There are stages now?
What am I, the moon landing?
- Hey, mock not, we've
piqued their interest.
Now we just have to make it
impossible for them to say no.
- Say no to what?
It's not like I'm asking
them for anything.
- That's exactly the
attitude I'm looking for.
- Is it what she's looking for?
- Put a falafel
in it, wobbly boy.
- What're we talking
about here, Mikey?
- "Bring the Funny."
The biggest comedy
festival on the planet.
We're gonna enter you into
the unsigned open mic contest.
You win this and you
are breakfast radio.
- Oh wow, you say it like
it's such an easy thing.
There's actually gonna be
funny people doing this.
- All you need is
one good routine.
It's three heats.
The winner gets a slot in
the closing night showcase.
Televised live.
- Shouldn't we ask if
it's what she wants?
- Celebrity judges.
Rumour?
Barry Humphries.
- No way.
- Who?
- Only Dame Edna Everage.
An Australian cultural icon.
- Anyone in comedy
knows who he is.
- Yeah.
Where did you hear this?
- I move in circles.
- Do you get dizzy?
- So I want you guys together
working on seven
minutes of comedy gold.
From now on, you
two are inseparable.
Okay?
You were saying?
- Nothing important.
¶ I can see that you
are leading her on ¶
¶ I think I know what you are
- Thank you!
- Thank you very much!
¶ I can see that you
are leading her on ¶
¶ Yeah, I know what you are
¶ You can't see that
you're just the same ¶
¶ As all the stupid
people who you hate ¶
¶ I'm not saying I'm
free from blame ¶
¶ Because I need all
the friends I can get ¶
- Who needs 20 wheels?
- I'm Evel fucking Knievel.
Therapy.
¶ A long distance call
to a mystery blond ¶
¶ It wasn't good for business
¶ You say that she cried when
she heard the bird's song ¶
- On thing in
life that can stop you
spending 24 hours a day
thinking about food.
Dieting, for a girl
with body image issues,
the ultimate aim is to
end up looking like this.
But with boobs.
- Whoa, I thought we agreed
to stay away from
the personal stuff.
- You agreed, Mikey, but
if you want me to do this
you have to at least
let me do it as me.
- Sweetie, bulimia is not funny.
I'm just trying to
tell you what works.
- What works for you.
You can get away the
superficial chit chat
and the cute catchphrases.
- Hey, I'm not superficial.
I do all the telethons.
Those things go all night.
Look, all I'm trying to do--
- Is mould me to fit your image.
- Fine.
Yeah, yeah, I should
be at the studio.
I've got stuff to do.
You know, I didn't
have to choose you.
I mean, you know what I mean.
- Yeah, you mean that
you had better options
and that I should feel lucky.
- No.
- And I do, Mikey.
You make me feel
lucky to be with you
like I'm this broken thing
and you're the only one on
the planet that can fix me.
Maybe if I'm lucky.
- I don't need this.
- "Charlotte and Davo forever."
Sorry, kids, it was
never gonna last.
Davo is too fond of dope
and Charlotte is a dope.
Maybe they do have a chance.
Hello?
Campus is closed!
- My secret's out.
I'm one of the spawn of Satan.
- How long have
you been in there?
- Since lunchtime.
- Want a Tic Tac?
- Why, does my
breath, does it reek?
- No.
I just don't have
a handkerchief.
What's wrong?
- Life.
I decided I,
I might as well stay in
there and just die of misery.
Or the stench, whichever
got me first really
and then you came along,
you made me laugh and kinda,
you spoiled my whole
wallowing thing.
Can you believe the sad shit
that people write up here?
- There's a spare roller here.
- Thanks.
- I'm about as socially
desperate as it gets,
but even I don't want
my name in a heart
on the back of a toilet door.
- "Donna is a towel-head skank."
Not anymore.
- "Britney sucks dogs."
No she does not.
- Look at that, just wiping
out racial disharmony
and unsavoury bestial
practises in one stroke!
- And these
are the normal people.
- I know, right?
How did we become
the social outcasts?
- It's not fair, is it?
- If the world was fair,
ice cream would be slimming.
- If the world was fair,
small furry animals would
wear coats of super models.
- And chocolate
would cure pimples.
- Beer would improve driving.
- Neurosis would be
irresistibly attractive.
- Mmmm.
I think I need training wheels.
- No, you're fine.
Hey, why don't
you take her home?
- You think?
- Yeah.
Live dangerously.
- Um.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- I am peeing.
- You just gonna be a smart ass
little bitch your whole life?
- Okay, this situation
is a little vulnerable
for this particular game.
Can we just have a
temporary delay in play?
- You expect me to
be considerate of you
but you don't think
about the affect
of your actions on anyone else.
It feels good so you do it.
- Okay, this is fun.
- You've got a boyfriend
who's kinda hot
and kinda famous, but no,
you decided it
would be a good idea
to make out with
the little spastic.
- Good job, neighbourhood watch.
- What're you thinking?
- I don't know, maybe I...
Maybe I made one mistake.
Let's not turn this
into something--
- One mistake?
Sunny, this is
your fucking life!
You do these things because
it feels, I don't know,
exciting or naughty.
You invite people to use you
and when it all turns ugly,
you expect someone else
to come in and pick up
all your broken little pieces.
- If you're talking about what
I think you're talking about,
you can't blame me
for what that man did.
He was an adult
and I was a child.
- You could've done what I did.
You could've said no.
- He--
- Yeah, he tried.
Before you.
You're not so special.
You just don't
know how to say no.
- I was 12, you cunt.
- So was I.
- This is it.
Initiate launch procedure.
- Ever heard of Apollo 13?
You okay in there?
- Go away, please.
- 'Cause I'm
talking to an idiot--
- Oh shit.
I took her to Chinese for lunch.
For a girl who usually
eats a fork-full of moo goo
and half a fortune cookie,
she made a pretty
decent dent in the menu.
It's the MSG I bet.
Well, whatever it
is, we're screwed.
All that hard work for nothing.
Guess she won't be
needing you anymore.
What're you doing?
- Taking some advice
I got from a bath mitt.
Um.
Believe it or not,
I've been in therapy.
Therapy, right?
It's basically paying
someone to be your friend.
But with therapy, what
you're really paying for
is not for someone to
listen to you problems.
No, what you're
paying for is so that
you don't have to listen
to their shitty problems.
Yeah, I have issues.
The paper bag gave it away, huh?
I have cerebral palsy.
Yeah, I'm a full-time spastic.
Not just recreationally.
I don't need beer
to walk like this.
This is all me.
You know, when you
got cerebral palsy,
it's hard to pick up a girl.
It's hard to pick up a drink.
I mean, I met this
girl, I like her,
but what do I say?
I promise I won't try
to get in your pants.
I have enough trouble
getting in my own.
But don't feel bad for me.
There is an upside.
Girls like guys
they can fix, right?
So, right her, right?
This is catnip to the ladies.
My boss...
Thank you.
My boss tells me I
also have anger issues.
- You went on?
- You don't mind?
- No, I couldn't be happier.
- Yeah, well hold that thought.
You're out.
He's in.
He won the heat.
He's through the next round.
Who freaking knew?
- I told you!
Did I tell you?
- I'm sorry.
- No, you did me a favour.
It was never me, it
was you, you know that.
And now I can spend
more time at Mario's.
- Great, more
greasy fingernails.
Who doesn't find that hot?
- You're gonna
keep going, right?
- I guess.
- Yes you are!
You've got two more
rounds, you win those,
you're in the big show.
And Mikey will help you.
- Yeah because Mikey's
a freaking prince.
- Yeah, I might, I might just--
- Yeah, you do that, champ.
They want a photo before
you go, poster shot.
- Just
like that, perfect.
One more?
Okay.
- I feel rank.
- Oh, you feel bad now,
just try having a barium enema.
- Oh, retard.
- Oh, we're not gonna
do this again, are we?
- What's up?
You run out of jokes, have you?
- No.
I just don't think it's fair
to have a battle of wits
with an unarmed opponent.
What does that mean, huh?
Huh?
Now that's fucking funny!
Smartass!
- Come on, let's
not fight, okay?
- I'm not fighting, Mikey, I'm
just not agreeing with you.
Don't...
Travis?
Oh my God, Travis, shit!
Are you, Travis, are you okay?
- Rough crowd.
- Jesus, nice face period, mate.
I'll call an ambulance.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I'm fine.
- Okay, come on.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna
take you home, okay?
- You what?
- I'm gonna, Mikey, I'm
gonna take him home.
Okay?
- Sunny.
- Oh.
- You know you don't
have to do that.
- Well, you don't know me.
- I'm trying to.
- It's not that hard.
Some people would say
the real challenge
is getting me to back off.
- Some people are fuckwads
and especially ones with
tiny beards and catchphrases.
- Do you have anything to drink?
- Yeah.
Just cans.
You know, I get the
shakes sometimes,
break bottles
and chipped a tooth.
- Well,
here is
to following your dreams.
- To knowing your limitations.
- Hey, did you mean what
you said tonight on stage?
Uh-oh.
- No.
About needing therapy?
- No, about wanting to
say something to a girl
and not knowing how.
- Yeah, I'll get over it.
- Don't.
- Why did you,
why'd you do that?
- Why not?
¶ Come
¶ Husk your limbs
¶ To my floor
¶ Bones
¶ Sucking stones
¶ Her coming storm
¶ Under the lights you went
¶ Chemical ashes head down
¶ Heart on a diamond thread
¶ Fennel and lashes wet down
¶ Young star, haunted lynx
¶ Ring of sliver
¶ I want your bones
¶ Inside my bones
¶ Ooo
¶ Oooooo
¶ Oooooo
- Mikey?
- Yep.
- So,
what're you gonna do now?
- I'm not exactly sure.
I'm gonna have to talk to him.
I need you to trust me.
Can you do that?
What's this?
- It's trust.
This is gotta be the
best idea you ever had.
Left turn coming up.
In three, two, one, turn.
- So you're gonna
be like famous now.
On TV?
You're gonna be like
a poon tang magnet.
- No.
It's just a contest.
And there's two more heats.
- Which if you win.
- Then I'm in the showcase.
That, that's televised.
- And that's exciting, right?
For you?
- Yeah.
- I don't get TV.
To me it's just an
expensive fucking radio.
But seriously though,
I can't focus on driving
when I smell on you like....
ripe peaches and, and...
fresh sex.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, someone should market
that as a breakfast cereal.
Like, Snatch Krispies or...
Pussy Puffs!
- Dude, you're a bad person,
you know that, right?
And, you just missed our turn.
- So what?
I'm not in control.
You're not in control.
No one is.
It's an illusion.
You have to learn to go with it.
But like I always say,
trust in the universe
and then the good
things will happen.
- For the
record, I never say that.
I'm blind, I'm not stupid.
I don't believe
in happy endings.
- You're making the biggest
mistake of your life.
This is so you.
- What does that
supposed to mean?
- Oh look, a stray dog is
so cute, can I keep it?
- How fucking dare you.
- No, how fucking dare you!
- Bella, you
want me to do something?
- Hey, butt out, old man!
I'm not joking.
- Fine, Mario, I'm fine.
This is not the place, okay.
We can finish this--
- No, we're finished!
I'll see you in a few
days when you realise
what a massive fucking
mistake you've made.
This is real life,
not some cutesy fairytale.
You kiss a frog, in the morning
it's still gonna be a frog.
- Hey.
- You gonna invite us in?
- Why don't we take
her for a spin?
- Like this?
- Yeah, I mean, she
should run fine.
Let's go.
- Okay.
- Hey.
You look after her, okay?
- I'm not driving.
- Not the car.
Don't be an asshole.
She don't need another asshole.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Trav, are
you gonna rap or what?
Come on, Trav.
- This is everyday.
- Oh!
Queen!
- Here you go, bro.
- You're
just going in circles!
- Yay!
- Yeah!
- Yes!
- You look like a
praying mantis on crack!
Oh my God, Mario,
it's beautiful.
Let's put the windshield on.
Let's finish this.
Hey.
Mario.
Old man, it's a little early
for a siesta, isn't it?
Mario?
Mario.
- Il mio cuore.
- You're gonna be okay.
- Sorry, Bella.
- No don't need to be.
- I'm just a useless old man
who can't look after you.
- Oh, come on, people.
- Hey, Travis, can you call me?
There's something
I need to tell you.
Actually, don't call.
I should tell you in person.
- Hey.
- Oh.
You.
- Yep.
- You think I don't
know what's going on?
- You think I care
what you know?
- You should.
She's a student at the
school where you work.
Oh,
so you do care.
- You know, I didn't
come here to play games.
Sunny needs to
tell me something.
- What did you think
was gonna happen?
That she'd end up with you?
Oh.
Life tries to show us
what we need to see
but it's never completely clear.
It's hard to look at
yourself objectively.
And what you see depends on
what you're willing to believe.
- All right.
All right, all right,
all right, all right.
This next guy is competing for
a slot in the closing night
of the "Bring the
Funny" showcase.
I want you to go absolutely
nuts for our next contestant.
Give it up for a very funny guy,
Mysterious Bag Man.
Yes!
- You know, I had this
girlfriend, it didn't work out.
She left me.
She said, I can never
tell what you're thinking.
I'm like, what do you want?
This is the only
expression I can draw.
I'd kiss her and she'd
complain about paper cuts.
When we made love,
she said it was like
humping a Happy Meal.
The whole time it's all about
what she wants, what she needs.
Banging on my door
day and night.
Eventually, I had
to let her out.
- Come back out
here, dude, come on!
Very good, now...
So you just won your way
through to the final round,
a shot at the big
time, how's it feel?
How's it feel?
- Kinda dirty.
- Oh, okay.
Guys, give it up for
this guy one more time.
Mysterious Bag Man.
Huh?
Thanks for coming out!
- Hey.
Busted.
- What're you doing here?
- I was just looking
for some paper and...
I...
- Who said you
could look at that?
- Travis, is this you?
- I said, that's private.
- Sorry, I just...
I wanted to pop--
- You know,
you just...
you just can't barge in
and out of people's lives
whenever you feel like it!
- Wow, okay, that's not
what's happening here, Travis.
I tried to call you.
There's something
I need to tell you.
- Yeah, I know.
What makes you think
I fucking care?
- I don't know what happened
to make you like this
but it wasn't me, okay?
I didn't do this!
- Get out!
¶ Was our love
¶ Just a song
¶ I went to bed
¶ Thinking everything
was wrong ¶
- Travis.
We need to talk.
Now!
Now you told me that you
were gonna talk to somebody
about your issues.
- I've been talking
to a lot of people.
- Well, we both know
that this is not what I meant.
How many second chances do
you think I'm gonna give you?
- Technically just one.
After that would be a
third and fourth and--
- You have been accused
of getting students drunk
in the toilets after hours.
- Student, just one.
I thought I'd start
slow and work my way up.
- Of trying to run
over a student?
Of making sexual
advances with a student?
- They started it
and she kissed me.
- The girl's sister told me
that she's been spending
nights in your apartment.
Is that true?
- Well, not anymore.
So everybody happy now?
Gordo, can we talk?
- Hey, Trav, long
time no see, man!
Oh, well, ever.
- Yeah, ha.
- Really but--
- Yo, can you stop playing that,
I need to tell you something.
- Yeah, so tell me.
- Not why you're playing
that stupid goddamn song.
- Fine.
- I said stop it, all right!
- What the fuck?
What was that for?
- Shit, man, I...
Here, I'm sorry.
Just say something.
She went back to him.
- Well what did you
expect, you asshole?
- What, because I'm like this?
- No.
Because you're such a
fucking Nancy Hofstetter!
- A what?
- Nancy Hofstetter, man.
She's a girl I knew
in high school.
She wanted me to fuck her but
not put it in all the way.
Just the tip.
But that's you!
- I don't want you
to fuck me with any--
- Not me, fool!
Life!
You want life but
you won't let it in
in all its throbbing,
meaty glory.
You want life to fuck
you but with just the tip
and that's bullshit, my friend.
You gotta let life stick it
to you all the way, ball deep!
You gotta deep throat the
whole fucking catastrophe,
swallow and smile,
because what's life without
the fucking money shot?
It's all just
meaningless foreplay
and you end up jacking off.
Alone.
When you hit that point
at which everything
seems at its crappest...
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
- You
might just find that
breaking your ukulele
can be the best thing
that ever happened to you.
- My fault.
- Oh no, my fault.
What was that?
- My ukulele.
It was shattered already.
- Aw.
- Yours?
- I'm all good.
- Well, sorry.
- Happens to me all the time.
- Yeah, same.
I'm Gordo.
- Eve.
- Nice to meet you, Eve.
- And you are listening
to all the nonstop hits
with Mikey and Sunny
and when we're back we'll
be taking some calls.
What's on the
agenda today, Mikey?
- Well, girls, I wanna hear
about the wrongest
guy you've ever dated.
Let's start with you, Sunny.
Who's your wrongest guy?
- Uh.
Em.
Why don't we go to a song
while I think about that?
- Babe, this is what
we signed on for.
You've got your face
on a thousand buses.
- Oh wow, eat your heart
out, Helen of Troy.
- What more do you want?
- I don't want that.
I don't want you to--
- Oh, come on, don't
flake out on me now.
Stick with the programme.
Smile in the voice.
They can hear it, okay?
And we are back with Mikey
and Sunny in the morning.
Keeping it real.
First up, we have
our next caller.
- Thank you.
When we return, the moment
you've all been waiting for.
The "Hunger Games" of funny.
The final
winner-takes-it-all round
of the BTF unsigned
open mic competition.
- Travis.
Aren't you doing well?
It's great to see you, man.
It's great to see you.
- Mikey, on in five.
- All right, well I'll
leave you kids to catch up.
You've got plenty to
talk about, no doubt.
- Hey.
- I heard you on the radio.
- What did you think?
- You have to ask?
- Money's good.
- Yeah, I bet.
- Well,
good luck out there.
- So I've gotta go.
There's a girl waiting
for me backstage
with a monkey wrench
and a grease gun.
- Yeah!
The lesbolicious Rebecca
Talay, ladies and gentlemen!
Yeah!
All right, our next
contestant is also bent
but not sexually,
he's just plain bent.
Welcome to the stage,
the Mysterious Bag Man.
Now I love Bag Man,
we've shared a lot,
but I should warn you,
he's an angry young dude
and why shouldn't he be?
He's got cerebral palsy?
No, that's not just
a bad hangover.
Now, he's just come here
straight from therapy.
Therapy, what is that?
Is that just paying
someone to be your friend?
With therapy,
what're you paying for, really?
Are you paying for someone
to listen to your problems
or are you paying so you don't
have to listen to theirs?
You tell me.
- What do you
think you're doing?
- What, you don't
like those jokes?
- Yeah, they're great.
I know because I wrote them.
- Yeah, for me, I
paid you actually.
Awkward.
- Well then,
I guess I can't do
this one or this one
or this one!
Or these!
Screw it!
You know, congratulations.
You win.
Don't you have enough already?
And now you want this too?
- Come on, man, surely
you got something else.
What about one of
those fun stories
about what an
angry dude you are?
No?
Awkward.
Okay, folks, we might
just take a little break.
- You know, wait,
sure.
All right.
Here's a story, just for you.
It's about a kid,
three years old,
loved playing in the
rain with his dog.
- I hope it's got
a good punchline.
- So this kid is out
playing in the rain,
jumping from puddle
to puddle with his dog
and he lives in this old house
with like a million stairs going
all the way up to the door.
And they run inside,
dripping wet.
Puddles all over the floor.
The dog, he runs
up to the kid's dad
sitting in his favourite
chair watching TV.
And just shakes.
As dogs do.
And this dad,
he's got a bit of a temper.
Yeah, a bit of a temper.
And he grabs the dog
and he throws it
out into the rain,
down the stairs.
The kid is upset.
Starts hitting the dad.
Maybe he's inherited
a bit of his anger.
So the dad picks
up the little boy,
he picks him up and
he throws him out too.
Down the stairs,
out into the rain.
Breaks his arm,
bone sticking out.
Fractures his vertebrae,
cracks his skull.
The mom, the mom sees this,
she sees this and she tries
to help the little boy.
But the dad, he stops her.
He makes her go back inside
because it's raining after all.
So here's this boy,
lying in the mud,
brain bleeding on the
inside of his head,
he could die.
But he's not that lucky.
He gets to live
with brain damage
in steel bolts and crews
and tests and scans
and operations and...
and pain.
And nobody wanting
to play with him
because he can't keep up
and he's a freak.
And he will spend
the rest of his life
scaring off anybody
who gets too close
so he can pretend
that's what he wants.
- Okay, we might
just leave it there.
- You know that saying,
when they made him
they broke the mould?
Well I'm the guy they made
after him with a broken mould.
And that's why I get to tell
these jokes and you don't!
You know, yeah, I've
been to therapy.
They say I have anger problems.
Well I don't actually
think I have a problem.
I think it's this guy
who's about to have
this microphone stand
jammed up his ass
who's go the problem!
So is that enough of a
punchline for you, fuck face?
You tell me!
Ugh, see?
I don't need a girl to
knock me off my feet,
I can do it all by myself.
- Hey, come on.
- Fuck off!
Back off!
I don't need you!
I don't need anyone!
- Go have
another beer, freak!
- This
guy's off his tits.
- Ugh, he's
trying to grope me!
- Hey, what're you doing
grabbing her, buddy?
Woo!
Hit the pole.
Oi, he's taking a spill!
- Hey, stop it!
Piss off, you animals!
What're you staring
at, leave him alone!
- All right, then.
- Oh my God.
- Hey, Travis, it's Sunny.
It's okay, you're okay.
You're okay, you're okay.
Get off!
- I'm just calling an ambulance.
- Please, tell them to hurry.
- Ambulance.
- Are you Dame Edna?
- Not at the moment.
We've got a crisis here.
- Give me that, give me it.
Yes.
- Can I have your photo?
- We're on the corner of
Bray and King's Street.
Please hurry.
- Is he okay?
- He's calming down.
- I think so.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What that bastard
did was unacceptable.
- Thanks
for checking on me.
- Well, you gave
us all quite a scare.
- Yeah.
- You know, I shouldn't
have been so hard lined.
It's your life after all.
- Yeah, sad but true.
- What about last night?
How're you feeling?
- I don't know,
I don't remember.
- You don't remember
any of this?
- Last thing I remember,
I was on stage telling
the world things
I never tell anybody.
- Well, there was a bit of a
commotion after your seizure.
Sunny was there for you.
- Where is she now?
- I'm sorry, Travis.
- You said that already.
- No, about what
happened to you as a kid.
It was a terrible thing.
- I'll be all right from here.
- Wondered when
I'd see you again.
- Yeah, I've been
staying at Mikey's.
- And how's that working out?
- Well, it's no party
being in a relationship
with someone that wants
you to be somebody else.
- I'll add that to the list.
- The list?
- Things I
need to say sorry for.
- It's really not your fault.
- Are you sure?
I think I was the
number one cheerleader
for team Mikey from the get-go.
- Well, as you
said the other day,
I'm not your responsibility.
- I said a lot of shit
that wasn't right.
- Yeah, so did I.
- I didn't warn
you about that man
because I thought what he
did to me was my fault.
Because I was a bad person.
I never thought it could happen
to someone good, like you.
- You're not a bad person.
- When Mario died,
I let Travis see you with Mikey.
He took one look and bailed.
It was a shitty thing to do.
- Travis could've trusted
me, he could've spoken to me.
- Do you think you
could explain it?
Maybe you could still--
- What?
Just delay the inevitable?
Flic...
I can't be in a relationship
with someone that
doesn't trust me.
I think I'm done.
¶ I know you're headed
in the right direction ¶
¶ I gotta tell you
I'm so proud of you ¶
¶ Found your demons
and let them go ¶
¶ I hope you let it
all rest in peace ¶
¶ 'Cause I still pass
by your lonely home ¶
¶ You let it behind
and hit the road ¶
¶ So are you happy
with your reflection ¶
¶ Never wonder
where you belong ¶
¶ Because the open
road is your home ¶
¶ Even safe without
my protection ¶
¶ I gotta tell
you I feel alone ¶
¶ Even though you
will never know ¶
- Gordo!
- What the fuck?
Is this your idea of a joke?
It was supposed to be a
gift to say I'm sorry.
- Who leaves a surprise gift
on the doorstep of a blind man?
- Dude, I think I messed up.
- You think?
I'm wearing a freaking
ukulele for a shoe.
- No, not that.
This is serious.
- What is it?
- Mario.
He's dead, that's what
she wanted to tell me
and I saw her hugging
Mikey and just assumed.
I gotta be the dumbest
person on the planet.
- No.
But you are a spiky asshole.
- I don't think so.
- Hello?
- Fuck off!
- Oh, I've obviously
come to the right place.
Look, I believe these are yours.
- I don't need them anymore.
- You might.
- I won't.
- You might.
- I won't.
- You might.
- Can somebody tell me
what's going on here?
- The MC stole all his material.
- Mikey!
Oh that fucking cock.
- Well, you may say that.
I couldn't possibly comment.
- So what, is he the winner now?
- No, but the judges have
agreed to give your friend here
a spot in the showcase
as a wildcard.
- Awesome.
Ah, you are the man.
- I best be off.
See you at the theatre later.
Sorry about the short notice
but pulling strings takes a
bit longer than I thought.
- Yes!
You hear that, bro?
That dude got you a wildcard.
You're back in the game!
- I don't care anymore.
- But you care about
her, don't you?
Hey, numbnuts!
You want to talk to her?
This could be your last shot.
For Narnia!
- Tickets?
- We don't have
any tickets, Scott.
- Oh, then I can't admit you.
- Oh, no, he's in
the show, Scott.
- Really?
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
So you gonna let us in?
- No.
- But you just said.
- You can go to the stage
door then onto the stage
but you cannot go
into the auditorium.
- Where's the stage door?
- Back down the concourse,
around the side,
around the back,
down the stairs.
- Can't we just go
through here, Scott?
- Do you have a ticket?
- Oh, Scott.
Trav?
Trav?
- Come on, come on.
Come on.
- Tickets.
- Sign in.
There's no plus ones.
Your friend can't
come backstage.
- Oh, he's disabled,
I'm his carer.
- You're blind.
He's an equal
opportunity employer.
What're you gonna say?
- I have absolutely no clue.
- Cue the dancing girls.
- Oh, dancing girls.
- Who are you?
- Oh, he's the wildcard.
The judge personally
came over to let him know
he had a slot on tonight's show.
Some unconscionable shit happen.
And bottom line, he
was freaking sabotaged.
- Yeah, I heard about that.
I saw it on Twitter.
Man, that was so uncool.
- Yeah, that Mikey guy's a dick.
- And he's not good in bed.
Really bad.
- You're on here
but you're late.
You missed your
slot, you're cut.
- Come on, I just need like--
- It's live television.
Everybody gets seven
minutes, that's how it goes.
It's a tough break.
You gotta get here on time.
- Come on!
Where's your fucking heart?
Can't you see this guy's
all twisted up emotionally
and physically?
He's in love and his
girl is out there.
And...
And this is his last shot.
- I'm sorry, I
can't just make time.
- Do you really love
this girl, for real?
- Yes, for real.
- Well,
can he have two of my minutes?
- I guess.
- There you go, I'll do five.
- Fine, I'll do
five minutes too.
You can have two of my minutes.
- All right, I guess I
could cut alarm clock enema.
You can have two
of my minutes too.
- Thank you!
Thank you so much!
- You good to go now?
- Hey man, where's
your paper bag?
- I'm not doing that anymore.
- Our next act,
he's our wildcard surprise,
it's the Bag Man, himself!
- Just get out there, man!
Kill it, you're
gonna be so good!
- Yeah, you go get 'em, bud.
- It's a good audience, man.
- Yeah, it's great.
- You got this!
- What the fuck?
I thought he lost.
Some people just don't
know when to quit.
- Um.
Could I...
- Somebody is about to
eat a big shit sandwich.
- No, uh...
Do you mind raising your
hands if you're cool
with me telling some jokes
about disabled people?
All right, well that's fucking
great, you sick bastards.
Why'd you all laugh at that?
People like to make
fun of the disabled
and why not?
You know, right?
They say laughter is
the best medicine.
Well, if that's the case,
the only reason why I'm
still walking like this
is because you people aren't
making fun of me enough.
You gotta lift up your game.
Why did God make spastics?
I mean, You're
omnipotent, right?
And this is the best You can do?
This body is like a
1985 Nissan Skyline.
It'll get you to
where you need to go
but you wouldn't
recommend it to anyone
and you're not gonna
get a lot of chicks
lining up for a ride.
You know?
When you've got Cerebral Palsy,
you know, it's hard
to pick up a girl.
It's hard to pick up a glass.
You know, when I meet a
girl for the first time
I always get the same look
and they always ask
me that same question.
How did you get into my room?
So I met this girl.
Yeah, yeah.
That wasn't the joke.
But she was smart and beautiful
and funny and...
And smelled like the
best breakfast cereal.
And she didn't look at
me like everyone else.
In fact, she fell for me.
Which was new.
Usually I'm the one
doing the falling.
I gotta confess,
I felt a little self-conscious.
So I started wearing
a bag over my head,
which some of you saw that, huh?
I thought it might had the
fact that I had problems.
Well, that was a mistake.
Who knew?
Oh yeah, you all did.
Yeah.
Is anyone in this room that's
not self-conscious or insecure?
Oh.
This guy's got his hand up.
Sir, do you not own a mirror?
Like, I can talk.
When God made me He must've left
the instructions upside down
going through his Ikea phase.
I got a spare nut in
the drawer at home.
I don't know where
that fucker goes.
- You can't beat
a good ball joke.
- You sure can't, my friend.
- Yeah.
- But she picked right away
that I had a disability.
No,
not this.
I also suffer from a
debilitating condition
called Premature Rejeculation.
You know how some
men come too soon?
Well I leave too soon.
Stare at me, I leave.
Ignore me, I leave.
Rub me the wrong way, I leave.
You know, a typical relationship
goes something like,
hello, lovely to meet you.
Fuck off!
So...
So I meet this girl and I think,
soulmate.
All my sins absolved,
all my flaws redeemed.
You complete me,
right?
Wrong.
I was a spiky asshole
before I met her,
I was a spiky asshole
while I was with her
and after I lost her,
you got it,
I was a spiky asshole.
Falling in love
is a lot of things
but there's no magic bullet.
No one can change who you are.
Maybe,
maybe I'll always walk funny.
Maybe I'll always talk funny.
Maybe my ass will
always be spiky.
Maybe my hands will always
shake when she touches me.
Maybe I'll always
skate in circles
and dance like a
praying mantis on crack.
Maybe I'll always
be the wrongest guy
but if she's okay with that
and can love me anyway,
there's gotta be something
wrong with her too.
Right?
Screw it.
There's something wrong with me
and there's something
wrong with you.
And you.
And definitely something
wrong with you.
There's something
wrong with all of us.
We're all a bunch of
emotional cripples.
Emotional spastics.
But if someone has the
courage to love us anyways,
then what fucking
excuse have we got?
So,
here's my tip,
whatever bag you
have over your head,
lose it now.
Stop hiding who you are.
And find the courage
to love yourself.
Spare nut, spiky ass and all.
- Woo!
So that's my friend
and that was his story.
- Good job!
- Sunny!
- Sunny, just you!
Yeah, one more!
- Aye.
- Oh!
Hey!
Hey.
Look, I just wanted
to say I'm sorry.
- Yeah, I think I got that.
And...
I just wanted to say...
- What the fuck?
- Yeah.
Remember I said I don't
believe in happy endings?
But I do believe in
happy beginnings.
¶ My head is a box
filled with nothing ¶
¶ That's the way I like it
Next time you feel
like you're doing it tough,
just remember your
life is a joke.
So you better start laughing.
¶ Your body's a dream
that turns violent ¶
¶ That's the way I like it
¶ That's the way I like it
¶ She tells me she loves me
- You can
bet your ass everybody else is.
¶ That's the way I like it
¶ So please
¶ Baby, please
¶ Open your eyes
¶ Catch my disease
¶ So please
¶ Baby, please
¶ Come on
¶ Catch my disease
¶ La, la, la, la, la, la
¶ They play RY X on the radio
¶ That's the way I like it
¶ They play Heath
Cullen on the radio ¶
¶ That's the way I like it
That's the way I like it.
¶ I hear Hazel
English on the radio ¶
¶ That's the way I like,
that the way I like it ¶
¶ They play Camera
Obscura on the radio ¶
¶ And that's the way I like it
¶ So please
¶ Baby please
¶ Open your heart
¶ Catch my disease