Standing Up, Falling Down (2019) - full transcript

You know, they say
people in glass houses

should throw stones, but
I think people in any type

of house shouldn't
throw a stone.

I mean, I'm not even worrying

about like the glass
windows or anything.

People, why are you
throwing stones at people?

Where are you even
getting these stones?

Am I the weird one?

I don't have stones in my place.

Is that weird?

Ford Fiesta.



Why do they call it that?

I feel like it's never
really a fiesta

when you get inside, right?

It's just like it's a car.

I went apple-picking
the other day.

Oh, I wish you guys were there.

I went apple-picking,
I got myself an iPad.

And an iPhone.

6C.

The term glory hole,
it's kind of a weird use

of the word glory,
don't you think?

I mean, it's not...

How you doing?

Hey, this is Scott, leave
a message after the beep.



Hey, sweetie.

I'm sorry LA didn't work out.

I know how much you
wanted to be a comedian.

But maybe it's for the best.

Your father and I can't
wait to have you home.

Drive safe, love you.

Hey.

Who's that?

- Hey, Scotty, hey.
- What's up, Pop?

Did you know bears can smell
food from three miles away?

Didn't know that.

- Yeah, me neither.
- It's crazy.

Yeah.

Place looks nice.

Well, we got a new
couch last year.

- This one?
- Mm-hmm.

That's great.

It's great.

You know where Mom is?

She's at the store.

Yeah, she'll be back in
a little while.

Leaving the
juveniles to attempt the risky,

if effective, dash and grab.

All right, good to see you.

And
brown bears do go

- into a deep sleep during...
- Good to see you too.

Known as torpor.

Hibernation is when...

Hello, Sister.

Ah.

Hello.

Look who it is.

Comedy world's
slowest-rising star.

Right off the bat.

Wow, okay, because I
see you're still living

with our parents at 30 so...

Pretty sure you're
older than me

and just moved back in
with our parents, so...

I'm also saving up.

I'm managing the pretzel
shop at the mall now.

Did you just try bragging

about working at a pretzel
shop in a mall?

I'm just saying one of us
has a job and it's not you.

Or, oh god.

Don't tell me Dad's gonna
hire you back.

No, I am not gonna
work for him ever again.

You say that now, but I'm
pretty sure you once said

you were never coming back here,
so...

I'm not back here.

I mean, I'm obviously back
here, but I'm not back here.

- I'm not back...
- You having a stroke?

Better question is are
you still dating that guy

with the vanity license plate?

Oh, remember, it said mortify?

Okay, well I'm
dating a cop now.

I don't believe that
for a second.

You are dating a cop?

A security guard.

There it is.

His name is Ruis and
he's awesome.

Nobody dating you could
ever be awesome.

And no one who lives
with their parents

at 34 is even remotely cool,
dip-shit.

It's good to see you.

It's good to see you too.

I'm gonna drink tonight
at the Whale's Tail.

- You want in?
- Nope.

Hanging out with my boyfriend.

I fucking hate him.

Ugh, unbelievable.

So for four years,
you hated it?

No, I actually loved it
for the first year or so.

I mean, I was
getting up a bunch.

I was writing, things
were clicking.

And then, I don't know,
man, things got harder

and harder and I got
poorer and poorer.

You're broke too?

No no no no, I just
thought it'd be really fun

to move back in with
Gary and Jeanine.

Hey, don't get sassy with me.

I'm just saying, I was
on your website.

I saw all types of
dates and times.

You was booked, you
was doing shows.

Yeah, those weren't so much
dates as they were open mics.

You were back doing open mics?

Seriously, you
shoulda called more.

I know, I should've called.

I got three kids.

You don't think I want
them to know who you are?

I know, I know, I know.

I promise you I will call more.

I'll be around more, okay?

I know you have the
machine back there.

Come on, bring it out
because I got to sing.

You know I got to sing.

- No, it's not karaoke night.
- But it could be.

If I give you a free
shot, will you shut up?

Yes.

See, this, this, I miss this,
right?

This feels like home.

Drinking.

Not by myself.

You didn't have any
friends out there?

No, not really.

I mean, who makes new
friends in their 30s?

Everyone.

Okay.

I follow you on Instagram.

You just posted a picture
with Alyssa Milano.

- Yeah.
- How was that?

We weren't hanging out as
much as I saw her in a Costco.

I took a picture and then
I ran the other direction.

Were you always a liar?

Look at me in my goddamn
eyes right now.

10th grade, Leslie Ambrose.

Did she really give
you a hand-job?

Leslie Ambrose did
absolutely give me a hand-job.

That was probably my peak.

Your peak should not
be a hand-job.

I know.

I know, I know, I know.

So, now that we got that out
of the way, how is Becks?

No, I like how you tried to,
uh, no.

We're not gonna talk
about Becks.

- Come on.
- Come on.

No, we're not doing it.

I'm gonna go ahead and
put a request in

that you don't even bring
her name up anymore.

Request denied, let's
get right back into it.

Do you and Lauren actually
hang out with her?

Is it like a
double-date situation

or what is the whole deal?

Dude, I told you I
got three kids.

I don't hang out with
anybody a bunch

except for they little asses.

Matter of fact, when I get done

with this here beer,
I'm going home.

No, we're hanging out.

You can't just go home.

Dude, it's almost nine
o'clock at night.

I start my route at 5:00 a.m.

Oh my god, that is
so depressing.

It is, it's depressing,
but it's adulting too.

It's called being a man.

Ohf, how is Becks though?

Is she cool?

Do you hang out with her?

- Fine.
- Yes.

Give it to me, go.

I hang out with them
time and time again.

I see them.

That's why I need to know,
is that gonna be a problem?

What?

'Cause the first time I
invite you over to the house

for one of the boys'
birthday parties,

I don't need there to
be any weird tension.

And I know, I know that Owen

is gonna feel
uncomfortable around you.

Owen's not gonna be
comfortable with me being there?

Are you...

Like, Owen should
fucking love me.

If I didn't skip town
like an asshole,

he never would've gotten
married to Becks.

See, now that skip town
like an asshole comment

is what concerns me.

- Owen would be uncomfortable?
- Yes.

Dude, I'm not trying
to be a dick.

You left her.

You left here.

Right.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's, it's...

Did I get pee on you?

- What?
- No.

I mean, did you get your
own pee on you?

No, I'm fine, please
stop looking at my penis.

Yeah, all right.

Come on, buddy.

Are you pissing in the sink?

Uh.

No.

Do you want me to
call you a cab?

What?

Listen, do you want
me to call you a taxi?

Sorry, I don't need a
taxi 'cause I have the Lyft.

You have Lyft?

Lyft is unbelievable

'cause you don't have
to know where you are.

You know, you just hit the thing

and a guy from another
country comes

and takes you right home,
it's like magic.

But you do know where you are?

When?

Right now.

Now?

Do you know where you
are right now?

- Yes.
- Okay, tell me.

- Where are you?
- Here.

- Oh my goodness.
- Whoa, hey, that's no good.

What are you doing?

What, no, no, no, I'm sorry.

- Look, I know what this is.
- Okay.

I got a guy, he'll help you.

He's on the corner of
Walnut and Laurel...

Hey, hey, hey, for
the last time,

don't bother the customers.

I'm sorry about him.

You're good, you're good,
it's fine.

We're just two guys talking
skin conditions, taking pisses.

Yeah, I'm not
bothering anybody.

Oh, you think you're cute,
huh?

No, I don't think I'm cute,
okay?

I know I'm adorable.

Yeah?

- This guy loves me.
- Really?

- He pissed in the sink.
- I didn't piss in the sink.

- I saw him.
- He literally just did it.

- He went on his tippy toes.
- I saw you.

What?

Hey, Scotty.

How'd you sleep?

You need anything in here,
more pillows?

No, I'm fine, Mom.

And honestly, you didn't
have to keep all this stuff.

Oh, what stuff?

What stuff?

Look at this, my VHS collection.

Honey, you really need
to have someone

take a look at those.

I will, I will, I will,
I will.

Should just change
this room into,

like, Dad's office or something.

Well, he already
has an office.

- Speaking of which...
- Don't, please don't, okay?

Meg already asked me about it.

I'm not gonna work back at
the lumberyard, all right?

Okay, good, because your
father and I talked about it

and he doesn't think
it's a good idea.

Seriously?

Honey, you know how he
felt about you leaving.

He always figured you'd
run the place one day.

He figured I would
run the place.

That's the word we
should be looking at, he.

You know when I came home
yesterday, he just shook my

hand? He didn't even get up
out of his chair.

He just gave me a handshake.

You know how he is.

Just give him some time.

Oh.

And I like your room
the way it is.

Figured if you'd need it,
it's here.

Wow, not a lot of faith in
my career decision huh, Ma?

Oh, just so you know,
this morning,

I printed out that
mailman application.

Why are you so
psyched about that?

Woo.

Mom, I don't wanna
be a mailman.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, don't do it.

It's a fun chair, isn't it?

You gotta be
fucking kidding me.

I'm sorry.

When you said you knew a guy,

I had no idea that you
were going to be that guy.

Bathroom the other night?

Oh, at the bar.

At the bar in the bathroom.

Oh yeah, listen, it's been
a very crazy day here today.

- So, yeah, oh yeah.
- Wow.

- Good to see you again.
- Good to see you too.

All right, so what do
we got going on?

Yeah yeah yeah yeah, I
don't know what they're from,

maybe an allergic
reaction to something.

Maybe a new detergent,
but I can't get 'em away.

Yeah.

Have you been putting
anything on it?

- Yeah.
- Let me guess.

Hydrocortisone.

And it did...

Nothing.

Yeah.

Are you currently
sexually active?

- What?
- Sexually active.

You think there's an
STD on my arm?

Well, you know.

No, I haven't been going
around fisting strangers.

I don't just find somebody
and stick my entire...

That would be my entire
fucking forearm in there.

- Okay.
- Sorry.

- Yeah.
- That's good to know.

- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.

It's just a question I
have to ask, that's all.

Yeah.

Um.

No, I haven't had sex in awhile.

I haven't had sex in
like a couple...

Okay, okay.

Duly noted.

I'm gonna take a look,
all right?

Does kissing count?

If I, does kissing count?

It depends on where you kiss,
I guess.

Let me see.

Hm.

Maybe you should be
sexually active.

Those are good
old-fashioned stress hives.

You can get hives from stress?

Oh, you'd be shocked at what
stress can do to the skin.

It can play havoc with
your integumentary system.

- That's a big word.
- That's why I have the chair.

No, integumentary is a
fantastic word,

but just basically means skin.

My daughter went through a
bad divorce a couple years ago

and she had the exact same
reaction, the stress hive.

You see the zigzag
pattern there?

- Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
- Yeah, exact same.

Stress hives.

Yeah, or you could be
dying of 30, 40 diseases.

- Who knows?
- Oh, thank you for that.

Really helps my stress levels.

- Oh, so you are under stress.
- Oh my god.

- Profoundly so, yeah.
- Oh.

- Why?
- Really?

What's going on?

You don't have the time.

Oh, but I do have the time.

Believe me, I got plenty
of time today.

I just checked my sign-in sheet

and the next patient coming
in has a terrible rash

on his scrotum that I have
to apply a topical suave to.

Plus, he looks like the
human version of Eeyore.

The whole thing is a
total nightmare.

So believe me, I have
nothing but time.

Are you even allowed
to tell me any of that?

Are you even a dermatologist?

I don't see a degree
anywhere on any wall.

I graduated from the
University of Phoenix.

I took two online classes.

Both of 'em, you took
both online classes?

Yeah.

The fact that I can't tell
if you're kidding or not

does not make me very confident
in your whole diagnosis.

No, no no no, now, listen.

I'm gonna prescribe a
topical steroid for you.

Ah.

I actually am on the whole
self-pay thing.

So is there any shot this
will just disappear by itself?

Because my insurance is not
really robust or existing.

Yeah, okay.

As the French say,
lovely parting gift.

Twice a day, morning
and evening.

Keep it dry in between, okay?

And if they come back,
I want you to call me.

Yeah.

And try to relax.

Because once when you
start feeling overwhelmed...

That's what it is.

That's exactly what
I've been feeling.

I just feel so overwhelmed.

Aren't we all, Mr.
Rollins, aren't we all?

- Hey, man, I appreciate it.
- Mm-mm.

- Yep, I shouldn't touch you.
- No.

Okay.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Mr. Herman, how are you?
- Hey, doc.

Go on back,
good to see you, pal.

Okay.

Ball one.

One away, second and eight.

Red Sox, two, Mets, nothing.

On deck, Ray Knight.

God, I can't
believe this.

Give me a break.

I'm so nervous.

It's just that I've never
been around a...

I mean, I've never even had a
pet sort of thing, you know,

always seemed like
such a hassle.

- You know, feeding 'em.
- Scotty.

Dinner.

All right.

Try to be careful.

Hi, this is Adam, I
can't make it to the phone.

Please leave a message.

Hey, Adam, it's me.

Yeah, I'm sitting at home
tonight and guess what's

on the TV, the 1986 World
Series, right?

Mets versus the Red Sox,
remember?

We watched like every
game together.

You were like five and you
loved that pitcher, Ron Darling.

Oh, and I made my famous
blueberry pancakes.

Yeah.

Remember how when we
went camping,

I always used to make
the blueberry pancakes

that somehow would always
seem like it was raining?

Remember that?

Oh god.

You and your sister just
loved those pancakes.

- Anyway...
- Message length exceeded.

Hi, this is Adam, I
can't make it to the phone.

Please leave a message.

I know you're not
gonna call me back.

But I have to say it.

Please, call me back.

I mean, your sister gets
on the phone when I call

and, you know, sometimes
she'll humor me

and we'll stay on for
like 10 minutes or so,

you know, if you can
imagine that.

That's really all I'm
looking for.

You know, just a
couple of minutes.

But if you wanna keep playing
this game of phone chicken,

then I'm in.

I'll call you, you'll ignore me.

I'll call you, you'll ignore me.

And then we'll see which
one of us gives in first.

- So anyway...
- Message length exceeded.

This is nice.

Isn't this nice?

Damn good yard bird, Jeanine.

No, I mean the whole
family's here.

Both my little
birdies in the nest.

Do you know, I read
somewhere that if a bird stays

in the nest, it means
it has mental problems.

That's how you can tell if
a bird isn't gonna make it.

Well, that's interesting.

I thought so too, Mom.

- You know what I read?
- You can read?

Oh my god, that's
such a funny joke.

You should tell it again
for your number one fan

who's sitting right here,
your mother.

I'm not ashamed that my
mom is my number one fan.

Only fan, by the way.

We're having a, stop it,
stop it.

Okay, okay, okay, okay,
can we just...

Stop it, both of you.

I was wondering if it's okay

if Ruis comes over for
dinner next weekend.

Absolutely.

Ruis is awesome.

That can't be true.

How do you know if
it's true or not?

You've never even met him.

I don't need to meet him

because I've met all
your other boyfriends.

Remember the guy whose job
it was to play online poker?

Or do you remember the guy
who always wore jean shorts?

Every single, Mom, every single
day, he wore jean shorts.

Do you remember the one
that looked like Kid Rock?

He didn't look anything
like Kid Rock.

I apologize, he looked
like Uncle Kracker.

See?

Even Dad and Mom liked that,
my number one fan is laughing.

- Thank you, Mom.
- Whatever.

- He did.
- Ruis is awesome.

- Eat a dick.
- Wow.

Meg, language.

Scotty, we do not
make fun of Ruis.

Really?

That's a rule in this house now?

We can't use Ruis's
name in vain?

What is he, Voldemort?

He's awesome.

Thank you, Dad.

Oh, Scotty, did you
hear about Rory Seidel?

Who's Rory Seidel?

You went to school with him.

He used to work at Carvel's,
remember?

Yes.

I remember Rory, that
fucking weirdo.

Why, what happened?

He died.

It's so sad, he was only 32.

God, I remember that guy.

Weren't you
friends with him?

I wasn't friends with
him, no, but Becky was.

Pst, hey, Rollins, right?

Rollins.

Hey, how you doing?

Are you everywhere?

I get around.

What are you doing here?

Honestly, I don't even know.

Wow.

What?

- You killed Rory.
- I didn't kill Rory.

That's why you were stressed.

What are you doing?

That's your hand on
his shoulder

right before you strangled him.

Rory died of, don't,
he died of leukemia.

Are you high?

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow.

And why are you here?

Rory went to school
with my kid.

Oh, the divorcee with
stress hives.

No, my other one.

My son.

Speaking of which, how
are they doing?

- You wanna see?
- Yeah.

- In a church?
- Yeah, yes, sir.

Fading already.

Who's better than me?

Nobody.

Hey.

Why do they call it a
wake anyway?

What do you mean?

Well, it's not like
Rory's waking anytime soon.

Oh, but if he got up, if
he got up right this second,

then we can call it a wake.

Yeah, that's Rory,
the reawakening.

Will you two please shut up?

Yes, I apologize.

You stink of marijuana.

Oh, it's not me, it's him.

It is not me, you
know it's him.

He's wearing a fedora.

Shit.

What's the matter?

I shouldn't be here,
I shouldn't be here.

- Oh god, are you okay?
- Nana Marie.

I'm sorry,
are you okay?

Hey, hey, go, just go,
just go, go.

- Thanks.
- Go.

Ma'am, are you okay?

Get away from me.

Get your filthy
hands off of her.

I'm just trying to help her.

I'm not playing
grab-ass or anything.

You okay, Rollins?

Yeah, yeah, how is the woman?

Oh, the one you body slammed?

Yes.

That's a flagrant two,
by the way.

Okay, what happened to her?

Uh, broken clavicle.

- Are you serious?
- No, she's fine.

I'm just kidding.

Thank you, by the way.

You don't have to follow me out,

man, you can go back inside.

- No, actually I can't.
- Why?

Because I was
properly identified.

By who?

My son.

Oh, this is so wonderful.

This means you're a
wake crasher too.

Well, I was gonna talk to him

after he paid his proper
respects, but it's a long story.

- Right?
- So, short answer,

I am also a wake crasher.

- Come on.
- Yeah, let's get outta here.

- Don't look back.
- Yeah, I'm, I'm, yeah.

Did you even know Rory?

Not enough to have been there,
no.

I mean, I knew of him, but I
knew that she knew him, so...

Oh, so you were just
there to see the girl.

Yeah.

Yeah, let me guess, your ex,

the one that got away,
that old classic?

Mm-mm.

No, the one I ran away from.

Oh, the remix.

Oh, you've heard of the remix?

Oh, so you're trying
to get back together,

or are you just a good
old-fashioned stalker?

I honestly don't even know.

It might be the latter,

which is really scaring
the shit out of me.

Now, how old are you?

Why?

You're way too young
to be this defeated.

Tony, two Jagerbombs, please.

- Jagerbombs.
- Oh yes.

- How old are you?
- 65, thank you very much.

Oo.

You know what, maybe
I should find a girl

with daddy issues, what
do you think?

Oo, probably more
like granddaddy issues,

what do you think about that?

Oh, that's funny.

Well, I'm a comedian.

Really?

Why do you say it like that?

Well, I don't
get that from you.

What do you get from me then?

I get an insurance adjuster.

No.

I get a car salesman
at a Kia dealership.

Oh wow, thank you.

- I get a dog walker.
- A dog walker?

I get fundraiser for.

Fine, I could be a fundraiser

for.

No, you're just
cynical as shit.

You're morose even, you know?

Hey, you want some real jokes?

Yeah.

My Twitter account.

- DermatolOG.
- Thank you.

Nicely done.

You have over 12,000 followers?

That's me.

And you're verified?

Is that what that blue
check mark means?

You know what that
blue check mark means.

When I die, I want someone
to take over my account

and tweet boo, motherfuckers,
every month or so.

This is actually,
that's actually...

That's actually pretty amazing.

Well, I'm a good follow, man.

No, no, listen, I'm
serious about that too.

You really are 65.

What's your password, password?

No.

It's email.

The password for your
email is email?

Yeah, I live on the edge, man.

Anything to throw off
those Russians.

- Oh my god.
- All right.

Here it is, mother's
milk for the soul.

- Ready?
- Yeah, how do you do it?

You just drop it in or...

You've never done a
Jagerbomb before?

Seeing as I'm not a 19
year old sorority girl,

- no, I've never done a...
- So cynical.

I'm not trying, just tell me.

What do you do, do you drop
it in or what do you do?

You drop it
in, drink right away.

- Right away?
- Yeah.

I can't drink fast, you sure?

Ready, boom.

Up, in, now.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

I don't wanna.

Oh, come on.

It's good for you.

Come on, oh, come on.

That took way too long.

And?

That was a tasty beverage.

That was really fucking good.

You see, if there's one
thing I know about, it's booze.

Not dermatological advice?

Oh fuck no.

Tony, two more, two more.

Absolutely not, Tony.

I've gotta go home.

Who cares about your home?

Long Island people are
fantastic at drinking

like it's their last
day on earth.

Drink up, you wake-crashing
son of a bitch.

Let's go, bombs away.

- Yee.
- Yeah, there you go.

Drop.

You don't even count down?

Hoist, come on, boom.

- Up yours.
- What?

Mm-hmm.

Oo, for the win.

Eight ball in the corner
pocket, all right?

Eight ball, don't be
afraid of the dark, baby.

- Take us home, Marty.
- Mm-hmm.

And if I make it, you
have to go out with me.

Oh, I told you, I'm married.

What, to that idea, to the
thing I just came up with?

You know, I love her enthusiasm.

Come on, I'm fun.

- I'm a lot of fun.
- Okay.

- Yeah, all right.
- Believe in yourself.

- Woo.
- Breathe in.

Yeah, I'm good.

How do you scratch...

You scratched on the eight,

you scratched on the
eight ball though.

Ah.

A pleasure, a pleasure.

Very good game.

I'm so sorry.

Listen, it was a honor
to lose to you.

Thank you so much, it
was so much fun.

Vanessa, right?

You know, oh god, can I
buy you a drink?

Or a car, or a condo.

That's a lot, that's a
lot, take it down a notch.

Take it down a notch.

The four of us could
live together.

- We'd be great.
- We gotta go.

You see?

That's the story of my life.

The good ones just always go.

- So go, please.
- Your dad's a charmer.

Apparently, right?

Okay, all right, bye.

Don't you wanna walk them out,
Dad?

Yeah, you know, actually,
I do.

I bet you do.

Yeah, hey, girls, girls.

Would you do me a favor and
just call me when you get home,

'cause you know how I worry.

Oh, you know, what did I
tell you guys?

Oh, Marty, not again, man.

You know, if you're gonna
pump money into that machine,

you might as well play the
original stuff.

What's the original stuff?

You don't know?

He don't know.

Here we go.

Hip hop, rap, all comes

from the same thing,
jazz and soul.

All right,
I'll play a little

Sly and the Family Stone next.

Take me higher.

- Look at this.
- Grandpa knows his shit.

Hey, first of all, I
am a grandpa.

And second, I do know my shit.

Hey, these are my nephews.

This is Xavier.

Rocket ship.

Boo, and this is Aaron.

Yeah, all right.

It's nice to meet you guys.

Nice to meet you too, man.

We're not really his nephews.

No, I figured, I mean.

Why did you tell him?

He was gonna find out.

He was not gonna find out.

- He's a mil...
- Here, here, here, here.

So you found out
about the wake

on Facebook and crashed it?

It wasn't just me,
it was him too.

Just a little bit.

Facebook's messed up
like that, man.

I mean, too much information can

be a bad thing, you
know what I mean?

Man, screw social media.

Screw social media is right.

Facebook as an adult is
all like political rants.

It's just so fucking stupid.

People checking in
everywhere they go

like anyone gives a fuck.

And those damn
inspirational quotes.

Oh my god, 'cause
that's what I need.

Someone I haven't heard
from since the 10th grade

tell me to dance like
nobody's watching.

Come on, like, you know
what I'm saying?

Wait, what about the
baby pictures?

That's all I ever see.

Don't get me started on
baby pictures.

You're proud of your baby,
I get it,

but unless your kid is
riding a motorcycle

through like a flaming
hoop or is the new drummer

for Van Halen, I don't need
to see four pictures a day.

You get one.

Everybody gets one baby
picture and that's it.

Van fucking Halen.

Van fucking Halen.

- My man.
- That is the whitest

goddamn reference I've
heard in a long time.

Do you wanna hear white?

Today, I spent an hour
downloading NPR podcasts

in a Jamba Juice.

- So...
- Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen,
step right up

and meet the whitest
motherfucker in the world.

Hello, everybody.

I once bought a Bon Iver
album in a Whole Foods.

Give me some more.

Mm, come on, be a man.

There you go, there you go,
there you go.

I really needed this.

Why is that?

I just haven't been out
much since I've been back.

All my friends have adult lives.

It's such a mind-fuck.

Yeah, well...

The older you get, the
less friends you have.

I just feel like I would have
my life figured out by now.

I mean, all my friends do.

Let me tell you
something about life,

nobody has their shit
figured out.

Everybody moves at
their own speed.

I understand that, but I
just fucking regret the way...

Something about the blonde?

Yes, yes, yes.

Because when I left, she
said that I was the one.

Those were her words.

She told all my friends,
she said that I was the one.

I hear you, I hear you,
and that's cool.

But maybe she wasn't
the one for you.

You know?

'Cause sometimes those
things don't always line up.

That's why the good lord gave
us weed and booze, you know?

They're numbing agents
against regret,

because regret is real.

It's one of the few things
in the world that is.

How so?

What does that even mean?

It means that happiness fades,
okay?

And sadness dulls over time,
it just does every time.

But regret, that shit is real,
man.

That shit lingers.

I saw a little hint of the
comedian back at the bar.

You were funny, man,
you were really funny.

- Nah, come on.
- No, it's cool.

You gonna be working
anytime soon?

'Cause I would come and
check you out.

Oh no.

I'm not feeling really
funny lately.

Oh, too bad.

It's a Tuesday night and
you're a little drunk

and you're smoking dope
with your dermatologist,

you should...

You should write that shit down.

Write that shit down, I'd
pay to see that.

I don't talk about my
personal life.

I do more like jokes and bits.

Jokes and bits?

Yeah, jokes and, why are
you looking at me like that?

I don't know what that is.

I get on the stage and
I tell, I say funny words.

- Funny words?
- Yeah.

All right.

You know, the guys I like the
best are the guys who are real

that talk about real stuff
in their life, you know?

The real guys are the
ones that you remember.

Mm.

Why don't you talk about
your real life?

- I don't really have a life.
- That's hilarious.

That's not supposed
to be funny.

- That's hilarious.
- That's sad and depressing.

Don't laugh at that.

And you're laughing that
I'm a fucking loser.

What about you, what about you,
huh?

What, what about me?

Was the big dream to be
a suburban dermatologist?

No, no no no no no.

I started out in medicine,
in general medicine.

I was gonna be a surgeon.

I was a resident at St.
Anthony's

- in Bethpage, Long Island.
- Dude, that's where I was born.

I thought you looked familiar.

You see this face?

It was that newborn
with that head of hair.

That's me.

I was all hair when I came out.

No, I just had this
interesting epiphany.

- I was terrified of blood.
- Jeez.

Yeah, freaked me out.

So I made a U-turn, went
back to school,

and reemerged as a
doctor of de skin.

Mm.

And it was more mellow
and better for me.

And at the time, I needed
more structure,

'cause I was living hard.

I was running in the fast line.

- Like a rolling stone.
- Yeah, like Keith Richards.

- Like Keith Richards.
- Yeah, man.

It was...

And then my first wife died
and I needed to regroup and...

I'm sorry about that,
man, I had no idea.

Why would you, you know?

I had a second wife and
she died too.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, yeah, but hey listen,
I'm not the Durst guy.

You know, I'm not, no.

Just, they were both
different situations.

But both, you know.

But my second wife
was a godsend.

She just helped me.

I really needed to tame
the beast, so to speak.

And...

Is that why your kid
didn't want to see you today?

Wasn't a fan of the beast?

No, he's not a fan
of the beast.

Yeah.

Freeze.

Stay where you are,
the both of you.

It's the cops.

What should I do
with the joint?

- Should I eat it?
- Eat it?

All right.

No no no, what are you
fucking doing?

You just swallowed...

I said it like a question.

I said eat it?

- Hands where I can see them.
- Yeah, yep.

Act like you're not high.

- Lower the window.
- Yeah, of course.

Lower it down.

- All the way down.
- It's just an old car.

- All the way down.
- Here it comes.

Here it comes.

- Is that weed I smell?
- No.

No, no no no no no.

We're actually...

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Why don't you shut your
fucking mouth?

You're right, we should
shut our fucking mouths.

We should shut our
fucking mouths.

We should get the
hell out of here.

We shouldn't even be here
to begin with.

I am sorry, is your name Ruis?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Dude, Scott, I'm Meg's brother.

- Wait, Scott?
- Yes, dude, Scott.

- Hey, man, how you doing?
- What's up, brother?

- I'm so happy to meet you.
- Good to meet you, man.

- This is Marty.
- Oh hey.

I'm sorry, Marty, how you doing?

He swallowed his joint

because we thought you
were gonna kill us.

I'll find it later.

Mm.

That's really good weed, Marty.

Ruis, I gotta say,
the way you came at us,

oo, I fucking loved it.

- Pretty cool, right?
- Yes, very cool.

It's kinda like hey.

Shut your fucking mouth.

That was scary.

It's good, right?

Yeah, that's pretty scary.

- I try.
- Yeah, it's good.

You guys should try it, man.

Like, this whole the cop thing.

It's really fun.

Really, you know, brings it out,
you know?

Oh.

Don't move a muscle, scumbag.

Because if you move a muscle,

I'ma shoot you in your asshole.

- Yeah.
- Ow.

Praying for your life
won't do you any good

'cause right now, you're
looking into the eyes

of the devil himself.

- That's really good.
- Every duck has his limit.

And you, scum, just
pushed me over the line.

Duck?

You can use it if you want.

But full disclosure, it is
from "Howard the Duck" so...

That was cinema.

- Oh, that's a good movie.
- Oh wow, oh wow.

- I love that movie.
- I love that, yeah.

It's insane, that's
an Oscar film.

So let me ask you something.

Were you gonna arrest us?

No, no.

I can't arrest anyone.

So you give
us a ticket?

You know, it's fucked up,
I can't even give tickets.

Well, what can you do?

What can you do?

Nothing.

You can just show up and
just tell people to go home.

You know, it's like, hey!

Go home and watch Netflix
and eat Doritos.

Oh my god.

Ruis, I gotta say it,
you're fucking awesome.

I know, right?

You guys want a ride home?

Yeah yeah yeah, if you
don't give me a ride home,

I'm gonna hurt myself.

Yeah, and you know what?

Even though I happen to be
a fantastic drunk driver,

I think it's the wrong thing.

So I'll get my car tomorrow,
I'll take a ride with you now.

- Let's go.
- Shall we?

- Yes, let's go.
- Great.

- Oh.
- My bad.

- Careful along the maze.
- Yeah.

- Careful.
- Okay.

- Ow, fuck.
- This way.

- Yeah, of course.
- This way.

- Scott, this way.
- Yeah, dude.

- I don't know which way to go?
- Yeah.

I'm like 34.

Let me know when you find
that joint, all right?

Yeah, and
don't smoke it.

Hey, put the weapon down.

Put the weapon down.

Scotty.

Scotty, are you awake?

No.

I'm just checking
you're not oversleeping

for an appointment or anything.

Do you know what time it is?

Yeah, Mom.

It's 4:67, we're fine.

4:67 isn't a time, honey.

Oh man.

Okay, and where's your car?

I didn't see it outside.

Um.

Battery died.

I need a jump today, okay?

Well, I guess it's finally
starting to show its age.

But when you get up,
you wanna do me a favor?

Yeah, 100%.

But first, Mom, can you get
me like a bucket of Advil

and like some Eggos.

Oh, I love you very much.

I love you too.

- Now get up.
- Yeah.

Why are you sanding the screen?

What?

Why are you
sanding the screen?

Well, in order to
re-stain the screens,

one must first sand them.

Yeah.

Yeah, a new stain
would look good.

That's a good idea.

You need something, Scott?

No.

Um.

I just wanted to tell you

that I'm not gonna be staying
here for too much longer.

I'm gonna get a place of my own.

I've already been looking
on Craigslist.

Well, how much is this
place of your own gonna cost?

You don't have to
worry about it.

I went down to Governor's, I'm
scheduling a set for myself.

And I know I shouldn't be
starting on open mics again,

but if I want to get
paid for standup...

Scott, come on.

Enough of this fantasy
land bullshit.

I know you probably don't
wanna hear that.

Probably?

Okay, I'll tell you a story,
all right?

Um, a couple summers back,
when your uncle Jeffrey and I,

we went to Vegas, we were
on this incredible heater

on the three card tables
at the MGM Grand.

So, the pit boss, he gives
us a couple of comps.

That night, we go to
see Brad Garrett.

And I gotta tell you, Son, he
was just fucking hilarious.

I laughed so hard, I spit gin
and tonic all over your uncle.

It was coming out of my
goddamn nose.

Why are you telling me this?

I'm sorry, Scott, but
you're no Brad Garrett.

Oh my, are you serious?

That's where you were going?

Look, you wanted to give
it a shot, I get that, okay?

And fine, the
lumberyard's not for you.

Please, let's not
do this again.

No no, just listen to me.

That is what it is, okay?

Just go and find
yourself a real job.

You're in your 30s

and you're telling
jokes for pocket change.

You're better than that.

I mean, why don't you go and
tell your jokes in an office?

Okay?

I mean, be that guy.

The funny mailman.

What up, Marty, how
you feeling?

Oh man.

How do I look?

- You look like a five.
- A five?

Uh, this today?

This is so recent.

I got a fresh one coming
out in two minutes.

Thank you.

Give me two regular, nice and
hot, crush red on the side,

and, um, a Thorazine smoothie.

- Yeah, the usual.
- Yeah.

Uh, oh.

Welcome to Do the Twist,
can I help you, sir?

Oh, I hope so, uh...

- Sanjay.
- Sanjay.

Sanjay, see, I got an
enormous problem.

A problem?

Yeah, I got one of those
new coconut pretzels,

you know what I'm talking about?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

I bet you think they're
delicious, right?

They're nice.

They made me shit my pants,
Sanjay.

Oh.

No.

Oh no is right, Sanjay.

That's why I'm here,
retribution.

I'm here to get what's mine.

Where is your manager, I
wanna talk to your manager.

Is this her?

Is this the woman that
made me shit my pants?

No no no, she did
not make you...

She did.

Go make pretzel dough, Sanjay.

Okay.

May I help you?

You left your wallet at home.

Mom asked me to bring it to you.

She's afraid to get pulled
over and a cop would be like,

where's your license?

That woman is a
saint on earth.

She's incredible.

She's incredible, yeah.

What's with the sunglasses,
Dirty Harry?

What's with the sunglasses
is that 34 year old hangovers

feel like brain cancer.

Light hurts.

Ruis said you were at a
playground late last night

with an old man.

Sounds like a real rager.

That is actually accurate.

But also, totally not
as weird as it sounds.

- I highly doubt that.
- Oh okay, well, you're wrong.

Your dad is wrong.

- Give me a pretzel.
- Give me some money.

Oh my goodness.

Are you really trying to
shake me down?

Can you believe this, Sanjay?

I am close, personal
friends with Ruis now.

I can call him any time I want.

That is bullshit.

Oh, really?

- 917-543-6...
- Okay.

You get one pretzel.

I want my pretzel
to be salted.

Salted.

Basic bitch.

Wow, how dare you.

I am a classic man.

I'm a classic man.

I know what I like and I eat it.

Thank you for bringing this.

I love you, I guess.

I love you too.

Also questionably.

Let's not talk about it again,
okay?

I love you too, Sanjay.

- I love you.
- Bye.

- I'm gonna head out.
- Go to bed.

- I'll talk to you soon.
- Okay, bye.

Holy shit.

Wait one second, okay?

Wait one second,
wait one second.

Hey.

Oh my god.

Wow.

Oh my god.

Hey.

I heard it was true,
I guess it is.

- Wow.
- What, what was?

I just, I heard you
were at the wake.

- Yes.
- But I didn't necessarily

- believe it.
- I was there.

I didn't know, did you go?

Yeah, obviously I was there.

I didn't even know that
you knew Rory.

Yeah, ugh.

It's heartbreaking, yeah,
one of my good friends.

Did you fly back
specifically for the wake?

No, I actually
moved back home.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Wait, I'm sorry, really?
- Yeah.

Like, for good?

I don't know, maybe.

I mean, for awhile, yeah.

What about California?

I got a job offer in New
York, so I had to come home.

What is it?

A development deal
with Snapchat.

Supposedly, I'm a social
media influencer.

Really?

But you seem to be
doing incredible.

Oh my goodness, I've seen all
these things on Instagram.

Iceland, you went to Iceland.

Wow, you've really
been looking, huh?

Oh yeah, I'm a fucking troll.

I'm on it constantly.

And I saw that you married Owen.

Yeah.

I did.

You guys look happy.

Yeah.

Anyway, I gotta get outta here.

Yeah.

I gotta, well, I have to...

Yeah, I was literally, I was,
okay.

Scott fucking Rollins.

Becky fucking Brooks.

Let me get this
straight, you're telling me

that she's gonna leave her
husband because of a yeah?

No, by the way, it's
not how she said it.

It wasn't just a yeah, it
was like a cry for help.

Oh man.

You have got to learn to
manage your expectations.

No, I'm gonna dive deep
into this one.

I'm gonna really latch
onto this one.

How do you have this?

I taped it the other night.

- Yes, did you really?
- Yeah.

'86 Mets, one of the best
teams in sports history.

Thank you.

And I'm not talking baseball.

I'm talking all of sports.

Hit me off with it.

What have we got, Gary
Carter, Lenny Dykstra...

- Keith Hernandez, Darryl...
- Darryl Strawberry.

- Big Lefty.
- Mookie.

- Mookie.
- And against Bill Buckner.

G-g-g-gosh.

What was that pitcher's name?

- Ron Darling.
- That was, yeah.

- From Yale.
- Very smart man.

- Really smart kid.
- Yeah.

My son was five.

I'd say, "Who's pitching"
and he'd go, Darling.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they were great.

Speaking of great, my pancakes.

- Oh my god, unbelievable.
- Great?

You do a lot of cooking?

I used to, you know,
when the kids were young.

Breakfast mostly, but now,
not so much.

Yeah.

I'm not that well-stocked
in the grocery department.

So what is it, just
blueberries and beer?

- And bourbon.
- Oh.

And I've got some Jager
in the fridge.

So you cover all the
basic food groups.

Just the essentials, you know.

- Well, okay.
- Yeah.

Are they organic blueberries?

- Long Island's own.
- Oh my god, I could taste it.

What are you doing?

You brought up bourbon.

You know, just put me
in the mood, that's all.

- No, you brought up bourbon.
- All right.

Fine.

You're no fun.

Yeah, I've been hearing
that a lot lately.

To get back to what's important,
right?

I'm there, I'm right in
front of Becky,

and I ask her, I said,
"You guys look happy."

And then she says, now listen
to the way she says it, okay?

She goes, yeah.

That wasn't it, that
wasn't even it.

It was like this, it was like
imagine someone about to die,

die inside, it was like, yeah.

That was it, did you hear it?

- No, I hear nothing.
- Oh my...

I hear absolutely nothing.

Listen, Rollins, existing
marriage aside...

Terrible marriage aside,
but continue.

Okay.

She said, he's the one,
he's the one.

All right, that's cool,
I get that.

But is she the one for you?

I mean, maybe.

It doesn't mean she's not
the right one for me, right?

All I'm trying to say is
lightning rarely strikes twice.

But if you keep your
eyes open and you're not

a little stubborn shit,
it can strike again.

Wow, what does that mean,
Drunk Yoda?

It means what it means.

Holy shit, is that
your Yoda impersonation?

What the fuck is this?

Well, it's not my world.

What I'm trying to say is

what if I fucked with destiny,
right?

What if I zigged when
I should have zagged?

My entire life would
be different.

And speaking personally,

I actually do think that
you can unfuck something.

Yeah?

Do you know I'm going up
again tomorrow.

Going up, what does that mean?

I'm making a comeback.

I'm going to Levittown.

A place called Governor's,
I'm gonna do some standup.

- Great.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, I love that.
- For real?

I told, oh, that's fantastic.

- What, tomorrow night?
- 7:00 p.m. tomorrow night.

But I don't know when I'm
in the lineup.

So the show starts at 7:00 p.m.

I'm somewhere in there.

They gave me a shitty slot

because I haven't been
there for a bit.

- I'll be there.
- For real?

- Yeah.
- Three drink minimum.

I'm worried about the
drink maximum.

You can also drink
like a Coke or a coffee.

The caffeine will kill me.

My heart will be beating
like a hummingbird.

You're worried about
the caffeine killing you?

- Yeah.
- Shit, yeah.

Is it weird if I ask you
who is in that?

No, that's Catherine,
that's wife number two.

And where's wife number one?

She's buried in a
cemetery in Farmingdale.

Mount Ararat.

Catherine hated the thought
of being put into the ground.

So...

I dig that, yeah.

How did she die?

You know, Rollins, I just
don't like to talk about it.

I get it.

She had stomach cancer,
ate her alive.

You know, I didn't drink once

all the years that we
were married.

Not once.

Not a drop.

Didn't have to.

What are you doing now?

It's Tuesday afternoon,

I'm eating pancakes with
my dermatologist.

Well, get up.

- Get up, we going somewhere?
- Yeah.

- Where we going?
- Field trip.

I can't believe my

dermatologist
drives Snoop Dogg's car.

She's a cliz-assic.

- Did I get it right?
- Yeah.

That's exactly how he says it.

- See?
- Cliz-assic.

I'm down with that.

You sure about this?

Yeah.

All right.

You know, it's been,
fuck me, three years.

And I would've done this earlier

but I didn't have
anybody to do it with me.

And the thought of an
old man out on the beach

spreading ashes around
just seemed so...

Sad, yeah.

I was gonna say cliche
but, sad is not inaccurate.

Listen, if you wanna
say some words out there,

I could just stay here.

She knew what she meant to me.

I was the husband to her

that I couldn't be to
my first wife.

Anne.

Poor Anne, she had so
many problems.

She suffered from depression.

I mean, clinical depression.

It's a horrible disease.

To love someone who lives
in such a dark space

that they can't possibly
love you back,

to try and fail every
day, it was impossible.

I just felt lost and I tried.

I just...

Fuck.

It takes a lot stronger
person than I was then.

But today's not about Anne.

Today's about Catherine.

And, all right, baby.

Let's rock and roll.

Let's do it.

Where's my wallet,
Frank?

Hey, what did I tell
you about that?

It's Dad, I'm your dad.

Now where did you put my wallet?

I want Burger King.

Yeah, well you know what?

I want a time machine
and some condoms.

But I, you know what, I
didn't mean that.

I didn't, I'm sorry.

- Oh.
- For real?

Oh, I'm sorry,
honey.

I thought maybe
something was wrong.

No, why would you think that?

Well, you've
been in there an awful...

- Mom, close the door.
- Okay, sorry, honey.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Jesus Christ.

Welcome to Do the Twist,
can I help you, sir?

Yeah, I'll have an
unsalted and babe?

Oh, um, just a Parmesan
and garlic, please.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Oh shit,
look who it is.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi.

Long time no see.

Oh, Owen, you remember Meg,
right?

Um, Scott's sister?

Oh yeah, right, hi, Meg.

Hey.

Um, I love your photography.

I've been seeing everything
you've been posting on Facebook.

It's incredible.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Thanks.

- You guys got married, right?
- We did.

- Yeah.
- Congrats.

- Yeah, thanks.
- Oh no, those are on me.

- Oh.
- Oh my gosh, thank you.

- Of course.
- That's so sweet.

So sorry to hear about Rory.

Scott mentioned you
guys were close.

- Yeah.
- Did you hear he's home?

- Who is, Scott?
- Yeah, the prodigal son

returned last week.

I'm seeing him tonight
at Governor's by the way.

- Wait, at Governor's?
- I know.

I haven't been back there

since I got kicked out
for yelling...

My mom caught you jerking
off on my life-sized Barbie.

Do you guys have any
babies yet or?

Oh god, no.

We, not yet.

Well, we should
probably get going.

Yeah, yeah, we should.

It's good to see you.

Give another round of
applause again for Pet Cavalon.

Pete Cavalon.

All right.

Yeah, that was a real funny guy.

All right, let's keep
this thing rolling

with Long Island's very
own Mr. Scott Rollins.

Come on up here, Scott.

Come on, let him hear
you, let him hear you.

Thank you, oh please, let me.

How is everybody tonight?

Good, good, good.

Um, it's crazy 'cause I
haven't been on this stage

since I was in my 20s.

And I am in my 30s now.

I know, I know, it probably
doesn't look like it, right?

I look like I'm at
least mid-70s.

But I am in my 30s right now

and I feel like there's
so many differences

between your 20s and your 30s,
'cause when I was in my 20s,

I used to think to myself, oh,

what am I gonna do this weekend,
right?

And now that I'm in my 30s,

I'm thinking, oh, what am
I gonna do with my life?

♪ We're not gonna take it

♪ No, we ain't gonna take it

♪ We're not gonna
take it anymore ♪

Hey, when am I up?

They're horrible.

You were just up.

Yeah, but I put in for
like six things, you know?

Come on, I gotta go.

Yeah, congratulations, there
are other people before you.

We go through this every week.

Hey, hey, hey, stop that,
stop that.

I don't remember what
I put in for.

Did I do "Weevils of London"
yet?

Again, we don't have that.

How could you not have...

- Seriously, Marty?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

- What the fuck?
- No, I got it, sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- Hey, hey.

Maybe you should just go home.

I am home.

Everybody knows my name.

- I don't know your name.
- You know my name, Glen.

Hey, come over here,

we'll do a little "Mr. Roboto"
together.

No way.

You hog the mic.

You call it hogging the mic,

I call it giving the
people what they want.

You are a mic hog.

But I'll sing with you.

Wow.

Hey, you're out, Glen.

I was never in.

By show of hands,

who here actually lives
with their parents?

Okay, that's just me,
nobody else?

All right, that's fine.

I feel like when you're my
age and you can't pay rent,

your only two options are
live with your parents

or become homeless.

And honestly, I think I
made the wrong choice.

I do, I'd be so much happier,
right?

'Cause when you're homeless
and you're in the bathroom

for more than five minutes,
your mom doesn't gently

knock on the door and be like
is everything okay in there?

Um.

Um, yeah, um, my dad is,
he's not here, right?

My dad is obsessed with
bears, it's insane.

And I'm almost positive it's
because he saw "The Revenant"

one time and he's like, oo,
I get it.

I wanna fuck a bear.

♪ You're weird

♪ In tears

♪ Too near and too far away

♪ He said

♪ Saw red

♪ Went home stayed in
bed all day ♪

♪ T-Shirt's

♪ Dish dirt

♪ Always love the one you hurt

♪ You sleep

♪ Too deep

♪ One week is another world

♪ Big mouth

♪ Drop out

♪ You get what you deserve

Hey.

Oh, superstar.

- Come here.
- Thank you.

- You're a superstar, man.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

- I mean, right?
- Yeah.

You know, you.

What?

Are really, really,
really mediocre.

Wow, at the end.

I thought you were
gonna say something nice

and at the end, you
just pegged it.

No, wait.

Screw that.

You were fucking great.

Thank you, Ruis, I
appreciate it.

I guess I could've laughed
like 10 seconds longer.

You know Murph was
supposed to be here?

- Murph?
- Yes.

But his kid, he said
his kid was throwing up

or something like that.

Oh, the classic the
parent line.

Fine, fine.

One of my other friends
was supposed to come

but I don't know what happened.

- Oh, don't worry about it.
- It was good, right?

- Yeah.
- It was, right?

- Yeah.
- It's different.

'Cause in California, it's
all depressing all the time.

But here, yes, it was
snapping and it all felt good.

Yeah, well you know,
you got that whole

New York asshole thing
going on for you.

I am sorry, was that
another compliment?

I, no, because I called
you an asshole.

- Right, it felt good.
- You were so funny.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Thanks.

- Come on.
- Thanks for coming.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You got groupies, man.

Marry him, please.

Why are you not just
marrying him immediately?

He's incredibly
supportive of me.

Are you done?

I'm done, yes.

We're going to the
Whale's Tail for a drink.

- You wanna come?
- Let's go.

I think I'm gonna go home,
work on some of my jokes.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- That's good, man.
- You do you.

That's fucking awesome.

- Focus, right?
- I'm doing it.

- Focus.
- Focus, just like you said.

- Me too.
- I love you, Ruis.

- I love you, Ruis.
- I love you too, Scotty.

- Goodbye, good job.
- I'll see you later, man.

Hey, this is Scott.

Leave a message after the beep.

At the tone,

please record your message.

When you finish recording,
you may hang up

or press one for more options.

Scott, it's Marty.

I'm really sorry I missed
your show last night, kid.

I really wanted to be there.

I planned on it.

But work was, it was a
lot yesterday.

And I got home and I just
fell asleep on the couch.

I just, you know...

You know what, Rollins,
that was bullshit.

That was just bullshit.

The truth is the night
got away from me

and I'm really sorry
that it did.

But I will be at the next
one, I promise you that, okay?

All right.

Let's talk soon.

This is Marty.

All right.

Are you still doing
photography or?

That's stupid.

Hey, Becky.

Hey, Becky.

Hey, Becky, long time.

- Hey, Scotty.
- So we're never gonna be

a knocking family, are we?

Well, I just wanted to see

if you wanted some
hot chocolate.

I'm making some for your
father and me.

Ma.

Oh, look at you.

Do you have a job
interview today?

No, I'm just getting
lunch with a friend.

Oh, is this a date?

No, Mom, it's not a date.

Well, would you want some
hot chocolate before you go?

No, no no no.

Unless, do we have
those tiny marshmallows?

Scotty, you know I always
have those tiny marshmallows.

I would love some
hot chocolate.

Yeah.

- Mom, do I look all right?
- You look so handsome.

Don't.

Marty, just turn around.

Come on.

Adam, I just want to
talk to you.

I mean, what do you
want me to do?

I want you to never
show up at my house

or my job or anywhere else
where I may be.

And yes, that includes friends'
wakes.

I mean, seriously,
what the fuck?

I always liked Rory.

He was a good kid and I
felt bad about him

but I really wanted to see you.

Hey, Jules, I'll be in
in one minute, okay, pal?

- Backwards hug.
- Backwards hug.

I'm gonna be in there
in one minute okay, pal?

- Okay.
- All right.

He got big.

Yeah, kids do that.

I made blueberry pancakes,
they're in the car.

I thought maybe we could have...

Nobody wants your
fucking pancakes.

Now just turn around, get
back in your ridiculous car...

I'm his grandfather.

No, Marty, you're not.

There's no reason for
him to know you.

Adam, I can't fix this if
you don't give me a chance.

I don't want you to
fix anything.

- My mother...
- Ate a bottle of pills.

Yeah, she did.

Because it was just too painful
for her to be here anymore.

And listen, your mother,
God rest her soul...

12 years ago, last week.

Did you know that?

Yeah, of course.

Of course I know.

Your mother was a
very sick person.

It had nothing to do with me.

Every time I'd walk
in the house,

she'd disappear just a
little bit more

every day until she was gone.

And I tried to help her, I
did, but I couldn't do it.

It got to the point where
I couldn't walk

into the house sober anymore.

I'm sorry.

I know what I did.

I know who I was.

No.

No, there's no past
tense with you.

You knew she was sick.

You just said you knew and you
still fucked another woman.

I didn't just fuck
another woman.

Catherine was not just
another woman.

I fell in love, I'm sorry.

No, you cheated.

And you drank and you gambled.

And I'm ashamed of
all of that.

Good.

I'm sorry, Marty, but
I'm not gonna

give you what you're
looking for today.

Okay?

Okay.

Why can't you just talk
to me like a person?

You know?

10 minutes.

Can't someone unfuck something?

Not you.

Not now.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, can I ask you a
question real quick?

Sure.

- Do you like your job?
- Oh, I love it.

- Really?
- It's the greatest job.

I might be the happiest
mailman in the world.

- You like it?
- It's a great job.

Have a great day.

You for real love your job?

It's fantastic.

- Are you interested?
- No.

Okay.

This is like a real
adult house.

Says the 34 year old man.

Yeah with the emotional
maturity level

of a 13 year old boy.

Mm.

Yeah, I mean, I like it.

It's a little big, I guess.

But I mean, like, there's
a guitar just chilling

in the living room, you know?

What is that there for?

It's like, I don't play.

Owen doesn't play.

It's just sitting there.

I don't know, he
thinks it's classy.

It is classy.

That is very classy.

When I came in, I was like,
I don't know about this...

Oh, this is a classy place.

- Know what I mean?
- Yeah, totally.

- Thanks for the tea.
- Yeah.

Um.

How's your photography going?

I don't know, you tell me.

That's you?

- Those are you photographs?
- Yes.

- Are you serious?
- Yes.

These are amazing.

That one, actually, the
one on the left,

that was in The New
Yorker recently.

- This was in The New Yorker?
- Yeah.

- Are you serious?
- Yes.

You just nonchalantly
throw that out there?

- That's incredible.
- Thanks.

And Owen seems to be
doing well, right?

I heard he's a full-fledged
lawyer now, so...

He is.

Yep.

He is entertainment law, so...

Hey, maybe you could
use him one time.

Maybe not.

No?

Why not?

- What about the um...
- The development deal?

Yeah.

That was actually a lie I
told to try to impress you.

I know, it's stupid.

That's apparently a
new wrinkle in my life.

I'm a liar now, so...

I'm confused.

Well, Becks...

No one's called me
that in years.

Scott, what happened to us?

Wow, we're just going for it?

Well, I mean, I don't know.

We could continue
bullshitting back and forth.

No, you're right,
you're right,

you're right, you're right.

It's just a loaded question.

I don't know.

About time.

I've been wanting to ask you
that for like four years now.

In my eyes, we were great.

Yeah.

Then you just hit the
self-destruct button.

There was no fight, no
conversation.

- You just...
- Disappeared.

You wouldn't even
respond to texts.

- I know.
- What is that?

Like just like one
word responses?

Like, yeah, sorry?

Do you know how
infuriating that is?

I mean, I was getting bits
and pieces of information

from whatever friends
we still had.

But I was just trying to
piece together

what I could have
possibly done that...

You didn't do anything,
you didn't do anything.

I swear to you.

I just saw all of our
friends coupling up

and getting married and I
saw my own life trajectory.

I saw the whole thing.

Marriage, house, kids,
and it terrified me.

Yeah, see, I saw all that too.

But I was excited by it.

I should have been excited.

I should have been
excited, but I got scared.

And when I get scared,
I run away.

Fuck.

What if I never left?

Hey, what?

What the hell, Scott?

- I'm sorry, okay?
- You're running again.

- No.
- You're like literally

- running down the stairs.
- No no no,

but it's a good run, okay?

I think I just had an epiphany.

What epiphany?

What are you talking about?

I can't keep letting my bad
decisions mess up your life.

It's not fair, okay?

No, this is right, okay?

You're right for me.

We fit together, we always have.

No, we haven't.

Fuck you.

I'm sorry.

Fuck me.

You son of a bitch.

I swear, Owen...

Fuck.

Dude, I swear it's not
what it looks like.

Bullshit.

God, you run like
the fucking Terminator.

I ran track in high school,
you moron.

The pool?

Haven't you ever seen "Cops"?

No no no, listen to me.

- Ah.
- Owen.

Shit.

Ah, fuck.

I've never been
punched before.

Ah, I've never punched
anyone before.

I think you broke my nose.

I think you broke my hand.

I knew that this would
happen eventually.

I even had a nightmare about it.

You had a nightmare
about us fighting?

Not about us fighting.

About losing her.

I swear, nobody wanted you to
succeed in LA more than I did.

I knew that the better
off you were out there,

the happier I would be here.

I don't know what to say, man.

I didn't mean to hurt...

Honestly, Scott, I don't
care what you have to say.

But I am gonna go see what
she has to say.

Scott, no man wants the
woman he loves

to have a one that got away.
I know that we used to be

friends and this is a small
town,

but I truly hope I never
see you again.

Marty, you beautiful
bastard, you're a genius,

do you know that?

I went over to Becks' and
things got so crazy so quick.

Give me a call back, okay?

Sir, you
can't go over there.

- No, that's my friend.
- Sir, I'm sorry.

You're gonna have to
stay back here.

- Tell me, is he okay?
- Sir, I'm sorry.

You're gonna have to
stay back here.

Tell me he's okay.

And while Martin's
body is no longer with us

in a traditional sense,
his soul is everlasting.

God has a plan for each
and every one of us

and we should all take
solace in knowing

that Martin is in a
better place.

And we also find comfort
in the knowledge

that none of us is
grieving alone.

- No...
- Hey, rabbi?

Do you mind if I say
a few words?

All right.

Sorry.

Sorry, guys.

Sorry about this.

Thank you.

I am just now realizing
that most of you

have no idea who I am.

I am Scott.

I was friends with Marty.

I didn't know him for
all that long,

but I got to know him
really well.

And I just know that when I die,

I want someone who
knew me to speak.

I first met Marty when he
was pissing into a sink.

- Do you remember that?
- Yeah.

He was pissing in the
sink right on his tippy toes

like a weirdo.

And that is classic Marty.

That's classic Marty.

And right when he was done,

he noticed that I had a
skin condition on my arm.

And when he found out that
I couldn't pay for it,

he just gave me the
medicine for free.

And I feel like that, that in
a nutshell is Marty, right?

He's a little bit crazy,
he talks a ton of shit.

But he has an incredible heart.

And he's also sneaky wise.

He would say these
little nuggets,

and they would just
stick with you.

Like one time, he said to me,

"Regret is the only
thing that's real."

I regret a lot.

I mean, we all do, right?

I mean, especially you.

Are you kidding me?

Third row.

How do you, don't
look behind you.

I'm talking about you.

You're wearing a Hawaiian
shirt to a funeral.

What are you doing?

Marty was a good man.

And he taught me that
people can change.

And I think he was on his
way to doing just that.

I'm gonna miss him a lot.

I think we're all gonna
miss him a lot.

All right, thank you.

I don't even, yeah, yeah.

- Thanks.
- Thank you for coming.

- Thank you.
- Thank you for coming.

Hey, man.

I just want to say I'm
sorry for your loss.

Yeah, no.

I, sorry, I forgot your name.

- Scott.
- Scott, right, yeah.

Your dad was a great man.

No.

No, he wasn't.

- See you.
- Yeah, see you.

Are you Marty's daughter?

Yeah, I'm Taylor.

You the comedian?

Comedian.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you from around here or?

- No, I'm a Jersey girl.
- Oh.

Moved to Sparta after college.

Um, my dad stopped by
my house the other day.

A few hours before the crash.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

It was nice.

Unexpected, but nice.

Said he was going to
Adam's next.

Did he make it over there?

Adam says no.

When he was there,
did he seem...

Drunk enough to barrel a
Cadillac into a pizza place?

No, actually, fun fact,
he was stone cold sober.

Yeah.

It was a heart attack.

Said he was actually
getting his shit together.

I mean, not like I haven't
heard that before but...

Sorry.

Is it weird that I'm
getting emotional

over my dermatologist?

I mean, it's your dad.

I've shed plenty of
Marty-inspired tears.

Trust me.

It was really nice to
talk to you in there.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's kinda nice to
know that Marty

had his shit together
enough to make a new friend.

Well, I wouldn't say
he had his shit together.

Yeah well, who really does,
right?

Right.

It was really nice
meeting you.

So nice to meet you.

- Okay, I'll see you.
- Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, hey, Scott.

Do you have any good
dinner recommendations?

I haven't been back on
the island in years.

So, Taylor, what
do you do for a living?

Me?

Oh, I work for the post office.

- You do?
- Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I don't love it,

but it's steady money,
good benefits.

You work for the post office?

Yes, why are you
saying it like that?

My friend Ruis here, he
works for the government too.

Oh, is that right?

Hell yeah.

Protect and serve.

Now, I hope y'all are
gonna like this.

I'm sure it's fantastic, Mom.

- But first, shall we?
- Mm-hmm.

- Now, do we just drop it in?
- Yeah, you just drop it in.

All right, to Marty.

To Marty.

Bombs away.

- You gotta drink it fast.
- Please.

Give it to me.

Wow.

- Should we do another?
- No.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey.

I saw the screen this morning.

It looked good.

- Got 'em all sealed.
- Yeah.

That's a good stain.

Think I might do the whole
front porch this summer.

- Oh yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Let me know if you
need any help.

I will.

You know, Ruis, he said

you were pretty funny
the other night.

Well, Ruis is awesome.

He really is.

- Great.
- Honey.

- Yay.
- Great.