Stand Up Guys (2012) - full transcript

- Okay, Sam.
- Good luck.

You look like shit.

You look worse.

Yeah.

So I kind of missed you.

I missed you, too.

Did that just get weird?

Yes. Maybe a little.

Here, can I take your bags?

I can handle it.

You remember this.



Oh, my favorite car.

So,

this is me.

You're kidding.

Hey, this couch folds out.

Or you could sleep in the window seat.

This is the worst apartment I've ever seen.

Hey! It's not much, but it's mine.

There's cable TV, everything.

This is for me?

No, it's for my other friend
who just got out of prison.

Yeah.

Oh, the Three Musketeers.

Hey, look at Hirschey.



Looks like a baby.

Those were the days, my friend.

Yeah.

Your place looks

like where I just came from.

Except it's worse.

It's not to your liking?

- Sorry.
- "Not to my liking"

is the understatement of all time.

There's cable TV.

Yeah, I know.
You said that already.

I got Starz and Showtime,

and I was in fucking lockdown.

I need to wash up.

Can I use the commode
for, like, two seconds?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

I hope the commode is to your liking.

Hey, brother.

Can we skedaddle out of here,

do you think?

Is Mama Zeech's still open?

Yeah.

Good.

I've been dreaming about her coffee.

Yeah. I could use a cup right now.

We can do whatever you want, Val.

It's your day.

Yeah, let's do it.

Yeah.

You feel like partying?

Because I could fucking party right now.

No. I don't feel like partying.

So what, then?

I don't know what to tell you, Val.
I do the same thing.

Every day, I paint the sunrise,

watch the cable TV,

try to eat right, relax, go to bed.

Nothing earth-shattering.

How's your daughter?
How's Jessica?

She doesn't want me to find her.

And?

I did anyway. She's working.

Minneapolis.

Yeah? Didn't she have a kid?

Your granddaughter.

She did. Does.

What is she up to?

I couldn't find her.

I kept in touch with some people.

What people?

What people do you think?

Friends.

High and low places.

Friends who would be amenable

to us having our comeback.

I'm retired.

You retired.

I'm serious.

Another subject.

I could really fucking party.

You know what I'm saying.

Should we go to Miss D's?

Miss D's

still exists?

It's Doc. I called.

- Yeah.
- This is Val.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Hey.

Come in. Come in.

It looks the same.

Is Miss DeHaviland around anywhere?

Yeah. I'm Miss DeHaviland.

He's talking about your mother, I think.

Oh, she couldn't take the cold,

so she set up shop in Florida.

Boca.

- You look like her.
- Yeah?

Anyway, my friend is looking for a party.

Yeah?

What kind of party?

- Bar mitzvah.
- Oh.

A coming-out party.
A going-in party.

Yeah, I got the next best thing.

Oxana!

Now, look at this.

I think that's the party
I'm talking about. Yeah.

She's from Minsk.

Very clean.

Oh, yeah.

Clean is good.

Happy parole.

Follow me.

Enjoy.

Right.

- Have a seat.
- Thanks.

- Relax. Relax.
- Yeah.

You fixed the place up.

It's the same, but different.

Huh.

Would you give my regards
to your mother, please?

We used to be close.

Old friends.

I hope she still remembers me.

- So do I.

- She's a beauty.
- Hello.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

Nice, too. Sweet girl.

Aren't you? She is.

Come on.
Do you want to have fun?

I'm retired.

We'll have fun.

- Trust me, case closed.
- Come on.

Wendy, I need to use the phone.

- Is that okay?

Yeah. There's one through there.

Thank you.

That was quick.

Yeah. It didn't work.

- Is something wrong?
- That's not good.

No. "Not good"?

- It's okay. It's okay.
- We'll be back.

What are you smiling at?

- Do you find it funny? Is this funny?
- No!

Do you have anything
that could help my friend out?

Boner pills?

Yeah, we ran out of boner pills.

Is this a first for you?

- It's okay.
- We'll come back.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Just keep smiling.

We'll be back.
I'll settle up with you.

Guys, if you get back before 7:00,

I'll give you the early bird special.

Now, I thought you said you retired.

I have.

But some tools

you hate to give up.

Yeah. I could have
done that with my dick.

Right, that's why we're here.

Oh! That was just plain cruel.

I'm sorry.

Do you remember that time you threw that
Greek out of the hotel window?

I do.

He fell straight onto a street-meat vendor.

I felt bad about that part.

Oh, this is definitely
a violation of my parole.

It's okay. I need to fill
my Nexium prescription anyway.

What's Nexium?

It's for my ulcer.

So what are we looking for?

Ah. This.

What is that?

- Hmm?
- Oh.

You're only supposed to take one.

I want to make sure.

So are we done here?

No, I need some perindopril.

What?

And some...

Ooh! Latanoprost.

My co-pay is insane
on this one.

And...

Ooh, Aldactone
for hypertension.

Huh?

How much shit are you on?

A lot.

So how long does this take

to get the pipes working?

I wouldn't know.

What are we going to do
while we wait?

Three Andrew Jacksons
say I run this table.

But you don't have any money.

What does that mean?
You spot me.

But that would be
robbing Peter to pay Paul.

"Each one must give

as he has decided in his heart,

not reluctantly or under compulsion."

Yeah. Corinthians.

Chapter nine, verse seven.

I love Corinthians.

Okay. Let's do the five.

Oh, it's all mine...

Oh, wait, let me
get out of your way.

You can stay in my way.
I don't care.

- Oh!
- See?

Keep it.

- Thank you.
- It's yours.

You gave me a nice thing here.

- It's too easy, but I'm going to take it.
- Well, it is easy.

- Oh!

That was not fair.

No, it wasn't.

Uh-oh.

What?

Mount Everest just
moved into my pants.

So all systems go?

Oh, yeah.

I'm so fucking hard,

I could cut a diamond.

You shouldn't have taken so many.

Oh, fuck that.

My old friend.

Are you ready, Val?

Ooh! Wow.

You don't know.

I've never been more ready.

Let's go.

Oh, yes.

Come on.

The next smile you see
will be on Oxana's face.

That's my only son.

- Aw.
- I'm going to use the phone, okay?

Paul, where's my fucking
Kung Pao Chicken?

It's on its way.
You got a call.

Fuck my ass,
and give me the phone.

Claphands here.

It's Doc.

Will the package be
delivered on time?

I can't do what I said I would do.

Well, then if you

can't deliver the package,

then you won't be a friend
of mine any longer.

Do I need to become
more explicit here?

- No.
- No.

I didn't think so.

How long do I have?

What do you mean,
how long do you have?

To deliver the package.

How long do I have?

I don't fucking believe this shit.

Do I have dementia? Paul, who's the
President of the United States?

- Um...
- Shut the fuck up!

You have until morning.

What, like, 10:00?

Or later, like brunch time?

This is like talking
to Conchita, my maid.

Kill him by 10:00 in the a.m.,

or you're dead, too.

The motherfucker shoots my only son!

The only reason I've let you live

was for this.

Are we clear?

We're clear.

Then, good night.

Wendy, Wendy.

Doc, is everything all right?

No, but thank you for asking.

I bet you're the type of man
who wouldn't let a lady

drink by herself. Huh?

Of course not.

Just a taste.

This is good stuff.

Doc, my mother always told me

to do the best with what you have,

where you are.

- Your mother was something.

So,

did everything work
this time, Valentine?

Four times. It worked.

I could have gone again,
but she's all worn out.

Good for you.

Come on,
let's blow this pop stand.

Wendy, for everything,
thank you.

I hope you find peace, Doc.

Me, too.

I feel so ready to party!

Bye, Smiley.

Those girls look like
they want to party.

Why embarrass yourself?

Embarrass myself?

I'm doing the
Battle of the Bulge.

This goes up and down

like a fucking yo-yo.

Pray for me.

Hey, ladies.

What do you say,
what do you know?

It's me, Giacomo.

Shouldn't you be in bed?

In bed?

Baby,

I have got a python in my pants

harder than
the Rock of Gibraltar.

Don't talk to me.

- Can we go home now?
- Oh, no.

Definitely not now.

We don't go home.

We're just getting started, buddy.

I need 20 bucks.
I'll be right back.

What are you doing, Val?

Give it to me.
I'm not asking.

Yeah!

Hey, hey, can you
help a brother out?

What's happening?

I want you to play something
a little different.

You know, like when
music was still music,

when it had a little soul.

You're talking old school.

Old school, yeah.

Right, yeah. There's not much
call for old school around here.

Yeah, tonight
might be different. Okay?

I think it could be.

I can trust you, right?
Slow.

You can trust me.

Don't let me down.

Hey, I'm back.

First of all,
I just want to say,

- it was rude, what I did.
- Yes.

And I deserve
everything you gave me.

I apologize.
Do you forgive me?

Anyway, do you like to dance?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Lisa...

Listen, Lisa...

I'm Valentine.

My friends call me Val.

Now here's the situation.

I've been away for a long time.

Where, I can't say,

but I really need you
to dance with me.

Now, I'm not going
to ask you to go home with me.

I'm not going to try to kiss you,

or feel your ass, or anything.

I just want to dance.

One song.

That's all I'm proposing.

Two people, holding each other,

swaying in time.

Nothing else.

After that,

you'll never see me

or hear from me again.

I promise.

How does that sound
to you, Lisa?

What do you think?

- All right, Val.
- Oh, that's good.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

What can I say?

Let me see this.

Cataracts.

Yeah?

If I blow them,
maybe they give me a buzz.

Ah.

Hey, buddy.

Oh, goddamn!
What else you got?

I'll try it.

I got some for hypertension.

What are they?
They're green.

Okay. Here you go.

You never know what can

- come out of this shit.
- Nice.

Hey, hey, hey!
Listen, no drugs at the bar.

If you want to do drugs,
have the courtesy

to take it to the bathroom.

No, no, no,
this is prescription.

I got the hypertension.

You find that funny?
I don't.

No. Listen, what else
can I get you guys?

Yeah, we want
a couple of drinks to go.

- To go?
- Yes.

- That's illegal.

And this isn't?

Here, let's make it legal.

You got it.

Ah!

What's this?

Oh, I'm just trying to
see what time it is.

Do you know what time it is?

Do you want to move back
a little, sonny boy?

It says so right there.

Yeah. It's getting kind of late,

isn't it?

Hmm.

Come on, let's go.

What was that?

- Stupid jerk.
- Strange.

All our friends,

all our business associates,

out of sight, out of mind.

You're the only one

who kept in touch.

I know, Val.

Let me talk for
two fucking seconds.

You sent me

those care packages.

And those paintings...

- I never told you how beautiful they were.
- Thank you.

Can I talk for
two fucking seconds?

I'm serious.

I never told you.

I would stare at those paintings.

I could feel the sun rising.

I could feel it.

Thank you, Val.

You're my only friend.

And you are mine.

Sit in the car.
Come on.

Am I?

I'm still hard.
Is that a problem?

It is, actually.

I feel kind of light-headed.

That's all right.

Just get your leg in there.

Oh, shit.

That's all right.
Mmm-hmm.

Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh," what?

- I think I'm going to pass out.

Wake up.

- I'm up. I'm up, I'm up.
- Val, wake up.

You okay?

I don't think so.

Am I going to die?

Not tonight.

It's okay, you know?
You can tell me.

Tell me straight, all right?

Not on my watch.

Okay. Doc, are you there?

Yeah.

I just want to know
if something's going to happen, that's all.

I just...

I like to know
what's going to happen.

I like information.
Okay?

- Oh, boy...

Hirsch? What's that?

It's Hirsch's daughter.

You're Hirsch's daughter?
Are you kidding me?

- You got so big.

I knew you when you were little.

Yeah? Time flies, right?

I'm fucking dying.

- I'm dying.
- What?

I'm fucking dying.

- I'm so dizzy.
- Rest.

Oh.

Take a deep breath.

Relax, he's not dying.

The doctor's going
to be here in a couple of minutes.

How is your father?

His emphysema's pretty bad.

He's over at The Lighthouse
nursing home these days,

ever since Mom died.

- He's hanging in.
- For your 10th birthday,

we were there.

I threw you up in the air.

That was you?

I threw you up in the air,

and I caught you.

Do you remember that?

I felt like I was flying.

I remember you catching me.

You remember that?

Oh! Oh, oh, have mercy.

You were in jail, right?

Yeah. So what?

What did you do?

I'm supposed to
answer that? Fuck.

I got, like, no blood
in my brain anymore.

He had some bad luck is all.

Oh. Yeah, well,
I know all about that.

Excuse me.

Yeah.

I'll take a quick look.

Mmm-hmm.

How many pills did he take?

A fistful.

- I see.
- Are you a real doctor?

Are you a real patient?
Is that a real penis?

Mr. Valentine, you have
what is called vein-induced priapism.

Now, I can give you
some blood thinners to open things up a bit,

but the old blood's
got to be removed

in order for
fresh blood to flow in.

Removed?
In what way, removed?

What's he talking about?

Oh!

Oh! Fuck me.

Okay, let's relax.

What is this?
Where are you going, Doc?

- Where you going?
- I'm out of here.

Oh, no, what are you doing?

I'll be... I'll be
in the waiting room.

Look at me. Breathe.

Maybe I partied a little too hard.

Maybe a little.

I don't have, uh,

health insurance.

I paid the bill.

Okay.

So who's going to do it?

Do what?

You know what.

I don't.

Let's just drop

the welcome-home thing, okay?

I know.

Hey, there, Doc.

Hey, Alex.

Who's your friend?

This is my best friend.

Valentine, Alex.

He just got back from a long trip.

- Well, how was your trip, Valentine?
- Oh, it was...

I'm just glad I'm back.

And I don't answer
to the name Valentine.

My friends call me Val.

Okay, well, then
I'll call you Val, Val.

Well, then we're friends.

Yeah, you can never
have enough.

Yeah, you're right there.

Doc and I, we've
been friends for a while now. Haven't we?

We have.

I remember
the very first time he walked in here.

You remember that?

Sure, I do.

I hate to break up
this remembering of more wistful times,

- but I'm a little on the peckish side.
- Sure.

What will it be tonight, fellows?

Uh, tea and lemon, please.

Okay.

I'll have the surf and turf,

and a root beer float.

All right, how do you
like your steak done, Val?

- Bloody.

Coming right up.

How are you doing, Tony?

Can I have a little more?

Is she always so sweet?

Every day I walk out of here,

I'm always better.

Yeah.

So who's gonna do it?

I don't know.

It's you, isn't it?

I don't know.

It's you. Come on,
just say it.

It's you.

What do you think this is here?

I'm not gonna blame you for anything.
A job is a job.

If the roles were reversed,
I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Come on, man.
Say it's you!

It's me.

Claphands.

He's got a mean streak
in him. No?

A bit of an understatement.

Yeah.

The meanest, most
vindictive motherfucker

outside the devil himself.

The first couple of years
I was inside,

I had my head on a swivel,
you know?

I was lookin' here,
lookin' there.

"What the fuck is gonna happen
and when is it gonna happen?"

"Is it gonna happen
in the laundry room?"

"On the yard?
Am I gonna get it in the fuckin' cafeteria?"

That's all I thought about.

And then I understood something.

He's gonna make me serve

every single day of my sentence

so it would end up just like this.

So how are you gonna do it?

In my apartment,
while you're asleep.

You see,

that's got no flavor.

That's got no style.

Come on, what is that?

While I'm asleep.

How do you think
I should do it?

I don't.

There's the rub.

He put his son on the job.

This was a bad idea.

Okay, fine.
I'm not gonna ask questions.

The first sign of trouble,

the kid panics,
starts shooting everywhere.

He catches my bullet
in the crossfire.

It could have been anybody's.

I was there. I know.

This was an accident.

How is it my fault?

I'm a fucking stand-up guy.

I took the fall for everyone.

You did. I know that.

And they pressed me.

I didn't say a word.

Not a fuckin' word.

And

this is what it comes to.

When did Claphands
give you this job?

The day

you went in.

For 28 years,
he was sitting on you?

Yes.

Now that is fucked.

Here's your tea, Doc.

Root beer float for you.

And surf and turf.

Alex. Can I say

that this is the best
surf and turf

I've seen in all my travels.

Yeah?

Can I say that?

That's very kind
of you to say, Val.

- Are you okay, Doc?
- Yeah.

So when are you gonna do it?

By 10:00 this morning,
it has to be done.

Okay.

This doesn't work.
What time is it now?

1:17 in the a.m.

That's about nine hours.

Yeah.

- Let's get in the car.
- Hey, man, let's...

Why don't we skedaddle
down the road a bit?

I want to walk off this, uh,

surf and turf
and a root beer float. You know?

My digestion.

Sure.

So what are my options now?

You could run.

They'd find me.

You might buy some time.

But if I run...

What?

You're not gonna have
any friends anymore.

True, but

you'd have a
head start at least.

It's better this way.

How is it better?

It's better because

then I can say goodbye.

I don't want you
to say goodbye.

Well, what do you
want me to say, then?

I have to say goodbye.

There's nothing left

for me to say.

Hold up.

Something has presented itself.

What?

"What?"

What kind of a big, beautiful

beast of a car is this?

Val, no.

I think she's lonely.

I think she wants us
to take her out

on a date.

This car belongs to
the Jargoniew brothers.

I happen to know that.

And that's supposed
to mean something to me?

Nobody messes with these guys.

These are the type of guys
that take your kidneys out

and not even sell them.

If we only had
a coat hanger, right?

You can't open a car
with a coat hanger anymore, Val.

Says who?

Says the people who make cars.

What kind of asshole keeps

a car like this open?

These guys don't worry
about somebody stealing their car, Val.

They better start.

Come on.

These guys, I'm telling you...

These morons even left the key.

Where does this fuckin' key go?

This is not a good idea, Val.

Yeah, well, my life is
full of not-good ideas.

How do you start it?
You know how?

They make cars
differently these days.

Yeah.

So do you know how to do it?

Put your foot on the brake.
Press that button.

This button?

- See?
- Holy shit.

- Fuck.
- Whoa!

Where to?

Where do you think?

- Our friend needs rescuing.
- Yes.

Oh, I don't ever
want to end up in one of these places.

Me, too.

Hey, excuse me.

Yeah?

Would you happen to know

where Richard Hirsch's room is?

I like Hirsch.
Are you his friends?

Yeah, the best.

His room is

down at the end of the hall,

and to your left.

Thanks a bunch.

Hey, are you here
to rescue him?

How did you know?

I wish somebody would
come and rescue me.

We all do, honey.

Oh, my God!

I feel like I'm dreamin'.

- Hirsch.
- You're still here.

We're all still here.

You fuckin' guys,
just like the old days.

So?

Get me the fuck out of here.

Get me out of here.

Wait a second,
let me get a hit.

Let's escape.

You want us to bring that?

No, no, let's roll.

You better get dressed.

Hirschey boy.

Oh, man.
The sweet taste of freedom.

We got a ride?

This is it.

- Huh?
- Right here.

Oh, man.

You get to drive it.

- Oh, ho!
- Okay.

There's no legroom here.

- Yeah.
- It's tight back here.

I just banged my head.

Yeah. To hell with your legroom.

I'm 6'2". Let's go.

- Hey.
- The situation is not ideal.

You're a master.

- Yeah, I was.
- You are.

- I was.
- You don't forget that stuff.

You're a master, Hirsch!

Four minutes ago,
you were sittin' in a dying house.

Now you're sittin'
in this beast of a car, you know?

The situation's okay.

All right.
Give me the key.

There's no key.

Don't fuck around.
Give me the key.

It's new.
It's a button.

- It's automatic.
- You push the button. It's computers.

- A button? Here?
- Yeah.

You put...
Put your foot on the brake at the same time.

- All right.
- Okay?

- Yeah.
- Can we go now?

Well, there's a million dials here.
I never saw these before.

Man, this is like the future.

Ho-ho!

Very nice.

So, Hirsch,

what have you been
doing since the last time I saw you?

Grieving, mostly.

Yeah, me, too.

Yeah, a different kind,
I guess.

Hey, I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry about Julie.

Well, you know,
she was in a lot of pain.

Yeah.

Uh, what do you say?

So, how's your health?

Well, they took something
out of me a couple of months ago.

What'd they take out?

I don't know. I didn't ask.
It's none of my business.

But I'm a little more
streamlined now,

a little more aerodynamic.
Which way's the highway?

Not the highway, Hirsch.

Which way is the highway?
I'm not gonna ask again.

Go left.

Go left, young man.
Go left!

- Whoa!

So, I got into gardening.

- Where, in the joint?
- Yeah.

Yeah, Julie was into that.

- No. Yeah?
- Yeah.

I got quite a little
green thumb, fellas.

I'm not surprised.

Whoa!

I knew a guy who got out,

committed a crime

in order to get back in

so he could see
how his garden was doing.

It sounds like you loved it, too.

- Loved it? I love it.

I mean, I still do.

Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh," what?

Don't worry.
I can lose 'em.

I got paroled today,

we're driving in a stolen car,

and I imagine you're
carrying a weapon.

I am.

- So?
- So...

I'm already fucked
five ways to Sunday.

Let's rumble!

We got two of them.

I can see. I can see.

Hirsch,

remember the time
in that shitbox car

with the Chinamen?

Yeah, I do.

I think you should do that again.

- You do, huh?
- I do.

Hey, Hirsch.

Nice driving, by the way.

- Thanks.
- I mean, you still got it, buddy.

Yeah, I do, don't I?

Yeah, absolutely.

It was intense.
I got a rush.

Hey, I threw up in my mouth.

So, when did you get out, Val?

Today.

- Today?
- Yeah.

Get the hell out of here.

No. Yeah, ask Doc.

- No kidding?
- Yeah.

We got sprung on the same day.

It's nice you can share that.

Twenty-eight years.

Twenty-eight fucking years.

You did your time like a man, Val.

You were stand-up all the way.

But you and Doc
would have done the same.

Well, I would like to think so.

It's possible.
Either way is possible,

but you did it, Val.

True.

I can't believe

you guys didn't work
together all this time.

- No.
- No, no, no.

Claphands retired us.
That was that.

And it was.

He can't forgive himself,

so everybody else has got to pay.

So, what do you want to do
now that you're out, Val?

I always wanted to
finish high school,

learn more about
the human condition.

How about you, Hirsch?

Is there anything
in this life that you haven't done

that you would like
to have a chance to do?

Two girls at the same time.

That's very doable.
No, Doc?

Yeah, done and done.

Back so soon?

One more time,
you get the free coffee mug.

Wendy, we'd like you
to meet our associate, Richard Hirsch.

- How are you doing?
- Hello.

He's looking for
what is known in French

as the menage a trois.

Shit.

Oxana's the only one working.

Irena fell down the stairs.

What about you?

Me?

No.

I don't do it for money.

Well, we won't pay you.

Oh.

Excuse me.
What's your name?

Wendy.

You're going to have
the greatest experience of your life...

It's up to you whether
you want to experience that or not.

It's that important to me
and that big a deal.

Do you promise?

I swear to God.

Okay.

But it costs triple.

- Shouldn't it be double?
- Yeah, it should.

Doc, if you please.

I guess.

Oxana.

Go easy on him, girls.

If I hadn't seen it,
I wouldn't believe it.

He would pump it up
on a vacuum cleaner.

Yeah?

He said, every day,
whatever he did,

he watched TV,
he listened to the radio...

He would attach... You know the
attachment on a vacuum cleaner?

- What do you call the thing that...
- It's a nozzle.

The nozzle.

Yeah, but it's for taking
the stuff off the corners of the couch.

I mean, why would you
put your dick in that?

It doesn't matter,

because it stretched his dick.

And his dick kept getting
bigger and bigger...

There's other ways.
There's a Chinese thing I heard about.

It's a jar.

They put bees in it.

You put it on your schlong.

The bees bite your dick.

Hello.

It gets all swollen, huge.

Yeah, but where do you put it?

I don't know.
It's good for show, anyway.

That makes so much sense.

Hirsch has been up there a long time.

Good for him.

Whoa! Here he comes!

So the pipes still working?

You could put it that way.

Oh!

Okay. Jesus, that's enough.

I do not know
the English word for what I feel.

"Surprise"?

I think it's called "lust," darling.

- Love. That is close enough.
- Good, okay.

I didn't know you had it in you.

I did.

- Hirsch.
- Hello.

- Oh!

Okay. All right.

It's like a gum commercial.

You've ruined me
for any other man.

It's okay.
You'll get over it.

- Call me.
- Bye.

Thank you.

Hey, Hirsch,

who knew you were
a freak in bed?

Huh?

Wow, you've got to feel great, no?

I don't feel that great.

Why the fuck not?

I never went out on
my wife before,

it makes me feel
like a piece of shit.

Hirschey, for Christ's sake,

she's been dead for ages.

We were married
for 40 fucking years!

You don't get over
that in five minutes.

Slow down!

The cops are not following us.

The adrenaline keeps me alert.

If he slows down,
he may fall asleep.

What's that?

- What the...

- Was that us?
- What was that?

Wait a minute.

Shit, man. It's the trunk.
Someone's in the trunk.

- Yeah, yeah. Pull over.
- Okay, let's pull over.

That's not good.

It's human-sounding.

We should try it here.

Here.

So, we go on three, right?

Let go. I'm doing this.

One, two,

three!

Oh, man.

Get the gag out.
Get the gag out.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ!

Who was driving?

Me. I was driving.

Jesus.

How did you get in this trunk?

I'm on vacation.

- What does that mean?
- Get me out of here!

- Okay, okay, take it easy.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Who are you?

I'm a friend of yours. Here.

Jeez, man!

My friend?

Hirsch, listen.

You're going to have
to give me your pants.

Why?

Because she's naked.
She's going to need something to wear.

I'm not giving her my pants,
end of story.

Come on. She's got no clothes on.
Give her your pants.

If you want to give her some pants,
give her your pants.

No, I'm not going
to give her my pants.

I gave her my jacket.
My pants are important to me.

Give me... Come on.

What makes you the arbiter
of whose pants are important

and whose pants are not important?

You don't need pants!

You sit in the car, driving.

- How the fuck do you need pants to drive?
- I don't need pants?

I gotta go out
and walk around, come on.

I'm not giving her
my fucking pants, end of story.

Okay. So, that's your final offer?

I'm not making any offers.

Okay, plan B.
Doc.

Song, how are you doing?

Do you sell women's clothing here?

Do it look like it?

My friend just asked you a question,

a polite question.

Could you give him
a polite answer?

You no hear so good, old man?

Or you just stupid?

Do you see that?

Hey, your jab still looks pretty good.

- You think so?
- Yeah.

I thought I didn't get my hips into it.

No, no, no.
You had a nice snap to it.

Thanks for saying so.

He's okay.

- Do you need anything?
- Just the check.

I think we should
know certain things about her.

Ow.

Here she comes.

Hey, look at that, the clothes fit.

Do you feel better?

A little. I'm starving.

- So, Sylvia.
- Mmm.

Why don't we continue
where we left off?

So I was standing,
waiting for a cab.

This car pulls up.

Nice car, nice smile.

He asked me if I needed a ride.

I was late, so I said, "Sure."

Wow. You know,
you shouldn't accept rides from strangers.

Go fuck yourself, all right?

- Ooh!
- Ah.

Okay.

"Go fuck yourself."
I like this girl.

There was another guy
in the back seat who I didn't see.

They tied me up,
and took me to this warehouse.

There were two other guys there,

they were just laughing,
whatever.

Pretty soon I was naked,

and you can figure out the rest.

So, you never saw
these guys before?

Never.

What, do you think I put
myself in the trunk?

How's everybody
doing over here?

Good.
Thank you, Alex.

Doc, I didn't know
you had so many friends.

Me, too.

Let me know if I can
get you anything else.

I'm fine, thanks.

Anyway, I passed out for a while,

and woke up naked
in the trunk of the car.

Now, I'm sitting
here with you three with a friggin'

Korean janitor outfit on.

I had a dog named Sylvia.

I loved that dog.

I think about her every day.

There's so goddamn much
I want to forget.

Where was this warehouse?

Show me where you
found the car,

and I'll show you the place.

We stole the car
on Rodney Street.

It belongs to
the Jargoniew brothers.

Total degenerate lowlifes.

Animals.

Maybe we could do something
about this situation.

So what do you guys
want to do about it?

What, are you going to
fuck them up with a pair of pliers?

It's only the beginning.

Holy shit.

Who are you guys?

Do you remember that?

Oh, my baby.

I've missed you.

Mr. Hirsch.

Remember me?

I do this.

What time is it?

I don't know.
What time is it?

It's time to kick ass,

or chew gum.

And guess what?

I'm all out of gum.

- Hey, Val.
- Yeah?

It's like the old days, isn't it?

No. It's better.

Yeah. Why?

Because this time,

we can appreciate it.

Yeah, that's right.
That's the reason.

I'll see you soon.

I'll be right here.

Okay, if you see the place,

you tell us,
and then you take off.

Okay?

We're just three people,
walking down the street.

Nothing suspicious.

This is it.

Around the corner.

Okay.

You need to go home now, Sylvia.

No, I want to watch.

Oh, no, honey.

Nobody watches us work.

Besides, there may be

five or six guys in there,
you know.

With just the two of us,

it may not turn out
the way we would hope.

All right, so what?
I can help.

Go home, get some rest.

No.

We can't know
what's on the other side of that door.

No! No.

I don't think she's going to listen.

No, she seems firm about it.

No, she's not going to leave.

Listen, honey.

Why don't you wait here
about 10 minutes,

and then come on in?

Why are you doing this for me?

I don't understand the question.

You don't even know me.

That's true.

But I know you,
at the same time.

It makes me sick,
what they did to you.

They're fucking animals!

There used to be consequences.

Exactly.

They think they can
do things like this to people,

and get away with it.

Well, we're the fucking consequences.

And now for my next trick.

Give me those picks.

It's probably open.

You're right.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV

- Yeah, man.

Hey, fellows.
What's going on?

How the fuck
did you get in here?

We're friends of Sylvia.

You remember Sylvia,

the naked girl
you put in your trunk.

How the fuck
do you know about...

All right.

Does anybody else
want to get shot?

Okay.

Remember, fellows...

You reap what you sow.

Yes. I would like to report
a large cache of weapons and drugs.

What's the address here?

It's Rodney Street.

I know that.
What number?

Oh, what's the number here?

I asked you a question.

Go fuck yourself.

Ooh!

I didn't hear the number.

172.

172 Rodney.

Thank you so much.
Have a great night.

You're your own
worst fucking enemy.

Shit!

Whoa!
Look who's here.

Oh, fuck.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Remember her?

The belle of the ball.

I think it's time for us to exit.

Stage left.

Okay, Sylvie.

Yeah?

You know, you've got
about eight minutes before the cops come.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Good luck, fellows.

Enjoy.

You guys like the ballet,
don't you?

The Nutcracker was my favorite.

Here. Here's your gun back.

I got blood all over my jacket.

Look at this.

You can wash them.

You use the biological stuff,

it takes the stains right out.

What the fuck is that, biological?

I'm telling you,
you can take that stain right out.

No, you can't get these stains out.

It doesn't matter
how many times you wash them.

A blood stain stays in.

You can't get this fucking stuff out.

We'll get you a new suit.

- A new suit?
- Yeah.

That's a different conversation.

What's going on here?

What's this?

Hey!

It's always something, isn't it?

Yeah.

But he got his last wish.

Yeah.

We got to work together again.

Yeah.

We got to work together again.

So?

I think we should bury him.

Hirsch.

Do you know where
Nina Hirsch works?

I think she's over there.

Hey, Nina.

Do you remember us?

Sure. How's your pecker?

It's all right.

Listen, your dad's dead.

What?

We're sorry.

But how do you know he's dead?

We took him for a night out is all,

and, well, you know, he died.

Where is he?

He's outside in a stolen sports car,

in the front seat.

See?

He's still warm.

It didn't happen
more than 30 minutes ago.

What were you guys doing?

Having fun, just like old times.

He went out with a bang.

Is there a family plot or something?

We thought we should bury him.

You...

You want to bury him now?

Tonight?

Well, for us,
it's got to be tonight.

They won't miss this.

We'll give it to you, Hirsch.

Here you go, my boy.

I think Hirsch would be glad
to be next to your mother.

He bought this plot
when I was four.

He told me,

"Darling, just come visit me
from time to time."

"Let me know how it's going."

Dad,

it's going okay.

You taught me

that the best thing a person could be

is of some use.

You were of so much use to me.

Always.

Right.

Val, we should say something, too.

Would you do it?
I'm not good at stuff like this.

Yeah.

Okay, I can do it.

Hirsch was a good friend.

I remember one time,

we robbed this liquor store,

and he ran over a dog.

- He cried for two days over that dog.

Anyway, he will be missed

by so many of us

that got left behind.

He was a witness to our lives.

Not many of those left.

So there's one less person on this Earth

who knows our name,

who remembers our childhood,

who shared

in each moment as it passed.

You know, they say we die twice,

once when the breath
leaves our body, and once

when the last person
we know says our name.

And then,

Hirsch's life will be forgotten,

like all the other poor

fucks that ever
had the glory of living.

Amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

What?

Nothing.
That was really good.

It was good?

The best I ever heard.

You think so?

- Really good, Val.
- Fuck you.

Thank you, Valentine.

Yeah, well, it was nothing.

No. Valentine, listen to me.

- Thank you.
- It's okay.

Thank you.

Good night.

There's nothing you can say about that.

No.

So,

are you going to do my eulogy?

I'm working on it.

How much time I got left?

Four hours, about.

I could use a steak.

- You hungry?
- Yeah.

Let's go.

And after breakfast,

we'll get you a new suit.

Oh.

Then you can shoot me in the head,

so it doesn't fuck up my suit.

That's right.
I shoot you in the head.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Look at this,
my car is still here.

What, are you surprised?

Who's going to want to
take that piece of shit?

- Well, good morning, fellows.
- Hi, Alex.

Are you two up early,
or are you going to bed late?

And what's going on here
with all this dirt?

- Yeah, well, you know...
- Gardening.

We've been doing a spot
of late-night gardening.

Huh.

Yeah, you should try it some time.

Well, look at you, young lady.

You're pulling
a long shift tonight, huh?

Yeah. I don't sleep.

I sort of like being awake
when everyone else is sleeping, you know?

- It gives me a sense of...
- Being alive.

Yes.

I know the feeling, believe me.

Okay. So, what will it be, Doc?

Two eggs over easy.

Of course.

And I will have a steak,
waffles, a Greek omelet,

a Greek salad,
and a banana malt.

And another steak.

- And a coffee.
- And a coffee.

- Oh, and a muffin.
- And a muffin.

If you don't mind.

I don't mind.

You are a very hungry man, Val.

Uh...

I'm leaving on a long trip.

Oh.

Just when we were
getting to know each other.

Yeah, ain't that too bad?

I'll put that order right in.

Yeah.

I'm going to take
a wild guess here,

but Alex, the waitress,
is your granddaughter, no?

Yes.

You got to tell her.

I'm going to.

Yeah?

Why haven't you told her already?

I can't.

How come?

You can.

Believe me.

The truth will set you free, brother.

Okay, but not today.

Then when?

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Do you promise?

Tomorrow, I'll tell her everything.

Okay, tomorrow.

My last meal.

Yeah.

Don't go sentimental on me now.

Excuse me.

There you go.

Thank you.

So, Val?

So, Alex.

Do you mind if I sit?

No. Go ahead, please.

So Doc comes in here
every morning, you know.

Mmm-hmm.

And he always orders
the same exact thing.

Oh, the tyranny of habit.

It's me.

Is it done?

What is he like?

I can't help but wonder
about most of my customers,

but I wonder
about him the most.

I don't know.

What do you imagine he's like?

Please. Mercy,

is all I'm saying.
Mercy.

I know it was your only son.

- I know what that must be like.
- "Please"?

"Please"?

Please bring back my only son!

See how far "please" gets you!

We're all out of mercy here.

Why?

He'll be dead soon enough.
Just give him a few more years.

What's the difference?

What is the fucking difference?

How's Alex, fuckface?

What?

Alex. You know
who I'm talking about.

I bet you my left nut
you can see the bitch right this second.

It would be a fucking shame

to see such a young hottie get into

an awful accident.

A fucking waste, yeah?

You wouldn't.

Oh, really?

Are you sure?

I imagine he's a man
who knows what it's like to be alone,

to live life with a lot of regret,

and that maybe he comes
here every day just to be around other people,

even if it's only for a half an hour,

just to be around people.

That's right, that's exactly right.

Sometimes

what we imagine

and the world aren't different things.

Sometimes,
they're the same exact thing.

Yeah.

I thought so.

Finish this, fucknut,

or accidents can and will happen.

I think your food is ready.

I wish we could have
talked more, Val.

Me, too. It was nice
sitting here with you.

Yeah, it was.

Is the church open?

Church is always open.

Yeah.

So, do you start or do I start?

- I forgot.
- You do.

I do. Right, okay.

So, forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.

How long since
your last confession?

Um...

Sixty years, give or take a few.

Okay.

Now, confess each and every serious sin
that separates you from Christ.

Oh, no.
We'd be here forever, Father.

Can we just deal
with what happened today?

So far,

I shot a guy in the kneecap

and one in the arm.

I stole a bunch
of prescription drugs,

and a sweet-ass car.

Punched a Korean
store clerk in the face,

took his clothes,

and fucked a Russian
hooker four times.

That was all today?

Uh...

Since noon yesterday, yeah.

But I did some good things,
too, Father.

I buried a friend.

I helped this young woman
take her life back.

And...

I eased my best friend's pain.

And for 28 years,

I kept my mouth shut.

So, can I say a Hail Mary
and be done here?

No, I don't think
that you're going to be able to

Hail Mary your way out of this one.

You're right.

You're right, I guess.

I'm wasting both our time.

Here. Go ahead.

Why don't you take this?

- What's that?
- This is for your troubles.

- No.
- Buy yourself a steak dinner or something.

- But I can't.
- Take it, Father.

I don't need it where I'm going.

What?

So?

Did you receive absolution?

Well, close enough.

Let's go see about those suits.

You want to hurry up?

What about this one?

What?

Am I going to play
a game of shuffleboard?

Come on, let's be serious here.

- Okay.
- Looking for the suit. Find the suit.

This one.

What size is it?

Forty-two, long.

I wear 40 regular.

Hey.

You said no crying.

No crying for you.

We didn't say anything about me.

Okay. Hey, this one.

It's beautiful.
Look at this.

It will look great on you.

Clothes just hang
off you the right way.

- You think so?
- Definitely.

Why don't you try one on?

No, I'm okay.

Your wardrobe could use a little help.

You think?

Uh, yeah. I wasn't
going to say anything, but...

Yeah? But what?

But you dress

like you're on your way
to the gin rummy championship of the world.

Here.

No, I prefer black.

You're right.
Black suits you.

Here's black.

What do you think?

I can't see myself
wearing that every day.

I don't see myself in it.

Will you look at these guys, Paul?

Look at them!

They're trying on clothes.

You're fucking shopping?

What?

What do you mean, "What?"

Isn't there something else
you're supposed to be doing?

You know,
Claphands had you figured, Doc.

He said you don't got
the stones anymore.

Whoa!

Larry, please.

Before you do this,
there's one thing you should know.

Here, here!

You.

Call Claphands.

Tell him, "Stay out of my action."

"I got this."

Okay.

Go.

Nice work.

In the old days,

I would have had him
with the throat punch.

You gotta admit

it felt good, though, didn't it?

Damn right.

It felt good.

Oh, look at you.
You look great.

No. You look great.

- Do I?
- Yeah.

Well, I feel great.

That's what I'm saying.
A change of wardrobe

can be just the thing.

- Definitely.
- Yeah.

May I?

Be my guest.

- Boom.
- Whoa.

Fuck!

- Did you see that?
- I did.

It was good, though.
I got my hips in it.

He's still alive.

So.

What time is it?

It's time.

Already?

I'm sorry.

Well, it had to come, didn't it?

It did.

Time waits for no man.

It doesn't.

Hmm.

I'm going to miss the spring.

And my flowers.

The birds returning.

Their song.

The whole world,

you know, renewing itself again.

Your fucking face.

See.

This didn't feel weird.
Did it?

No.

- Hello.
- Alex.

What do you think of my sunrises?

I think they're beautiful.

I wanted you to know
some of the things I thought,

saw, some of the things I felt.

I do.

I know they look like the sunrise,
but I was painting you.

In the closet,

on the top shelf,
there's a shoebox.

Put the phone down.
Open it. I'll wait. No rush.

Okay.

Doc, this is too much.

No, it's all there is.

Welcome home.
The rent is paid for a year.

It's not much, but it's yours.

What do you mean?
When am I going to see you again?

I don't know.

I love you, Alex.

Grandpa.

I love you, too.

I have to go now.

Are you sure you want to do this?

You can change your mind,
you know.

I know, but I won't.

You took care of Alex?

I'm so proud of you for that.

Tomorrow became today.

It usually does.

So?

What will it be?

Chew gum or kick ass?

I'm all out of gum.

Get me a gun!