Stan the Flasher (1990) - full transcript

The story of Stan, a misunderstood poet, who makes a living teaching English to schoolchildren while writing a screenplay on the side.

To be or not to be.
That is the question

Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune

Or to take arms
against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them

To die to sleep,
no more

and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache
and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to

tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd



To die, to sleep

To sleep, perchance to dream—ay,
there's the rub

For in that sleep of death
what dreams may come

When we have shuffled
off this mortal coil

Must... Must give us pause

Sir, I'm in sixth grade

You are confusing me with my sister
Natacha who's a senior

Your father already owes me three lessons

Seven lessons if we included Natacha’s.
When does he send me my money?

I had the money but I ran
into a clothing store on my way here

and I fell for a great faded denim jacket

How much? 800 francs

Let me have a look

You paid 800 francs for that!
Are you fucking kidding me?



You got screwed, fatty!

200 francs left, I take it!
Sit on my lap!

Jot it down: to be or not to be

« not »! « not »! not « note »!
Not: N-O-T

Ok, that’s good!
Now try writing « Shakespeare »

Not like that, damn it! Just like
it sounds! write down "sha"

"kes", "pe", « are »,
« sha kes peare »

You wash your teeth with Miror!
It’s because you always suck your thumb

You are sucking alcohol!
You are out of your mind, cheeky girl!

She’s so much like a cat,
I tell her « mou » (= « lights »)

She’s so fat,
I tell her « you »

She’s so ugly,
I tell her « boo »

She’s such like a lady,
I tell her « you »

She’s such a lazy girl,
I tell her « do something, move it »

She’s sleeping,
I tell her « ouh! »

She jumps and pouts

She’s so dumb,
you have to explain everything to her

She’s such a twit, you have
to tell her where everything is

She’s so wimp
while my blood is boiling

I want to postpone it,
she tells me « no way »

She’s so demanding,
I tell her « time out »

and to have a break,
I read her a book by Proust

But she’s such a fool, I tell her
« come on, get a move on, go out! »

You didn’t get it? Beat it!

Hi sir

Take a seat

Not here! Here! Here! Here!

Get your stuff out!

Get your pencil box too

Your fly’s open. Sorry sir

Come on, write down

Sir, I want to pee.
Control yourself.

I also want to poop, sir

Jojo, can you explain me why
you want to poop everytime you come here?

It’s because of my four-hour snack

What are you having to eat?
A piece of bread and a chocolate bar

At what time? Three o’clock.

It’s not a four-hour snack:
it’s a three-hour snack!

In the canteen,
it’s as disgusting as at mom’s

They always prepared carrots, mashed
potatoes with water and codfish on Friday

Can you tell me why you’re so fat?

Talk about it!
You got that right, slick

Sir, it’s urgent.
Go ahead!

Don’t forget to flush the toilet this time.
Don’t dirty the wall.

There was no toilet paper

Yellow in front, brown in back

Are you alone? No, I’m not, I’m with Jojo.
He’s in the loo.

Did you get my pipes?

I bought you tobacco and roll-up paper.
That way, you’ll smoke less

You remember what the doctor said.
Fuck all the docs.

Hello ma’am

Finally you’re done taking a shit.
We can carry on with the reciting lesson

To dick or not to dick.
But what the hell?

What’s wrong with you?
To be! B-E! B-E! To be

How stupid you can be.
Blow your nose, it's full of snot

Ok sir

This is a girl! Repeat!

This is a girrrrl.
Are you fucking kidding me?

Do you want me to slap you?
Don’t worry young man

He’s all bark, no bite.
I know him well

Go ahead, take my job!

Hurry up!

This is a girl.
Perfect, it’s perfect

Jojo, it’s your turn

This is a girrrl.
I can’t believe it!

This, this, this,
like in the word oaSIS, THIS!

What is an « oasis »?
Nevermind, dickhead

It’s in the desert

oaSIS

Well I’m going to the hairdresser

THISSS

That’s what I’m talking about

That's enough. Put your stuff away.
I have an errand to run.

You'll put that away at home,
come on, it’s fine

Why are these fucking nymphs so late?

You know, I screw the small ones
and I fuck the tall ones

That’s what we have in common, my pet

I’m just joking

Sexually, I’m a loser.
All bitches

They want my dick
and I can’t perform anymore

It’s not true

It’s just with Aurore
that I can’t get a boner

I got a limp,
I fucked her too much

I’m sick of it

But you mustn’t repeat that,
I began to talk nonsense

Do you get it, fleabag?

You are here?

Sorry, I’m a little early,
my philosophy teacher was sick

What the fuck are you doing in my room?

You like this, don’t you?

You’ll have to wait,
you’re too young

Let me have a look to your marks

In Latin and Greek,
your results aren’t very good

In philo, your grades are fair.
What’s the topic? Pascal

This guy was always thinking

In math: zero! Well, it's not my field

In English: eleven out of twenty.
That’s good, you’re making progress

Thanks to whom? Thanks to me

You know, I didn’t tell you about it.
I’m writing a « scenar »

What is a « scenar »?
I mean a scenario

What is a scenario?
It’s like a novel

But with a scenario...

...you can make a movie

What is it about?

A guy who « flashes ».
A photographer?

Would you like to be an actress?

Are we still studying Shakespeare today?

Yeah, Shakespeare...

Fusilli a l'arrabiata

Don’t you want to eat?
Don’t worry, I eat on my own time

Hour difference

Aurore difference

Horror difference

Cynicism only affects cynics

It’s a boomerang effect

Personally, I don’t care

It’s like knowing the price of everything
and the value of nothing

I know. That's how you got me

I don’t agree.
I got you thanks to my dick

Are you sure?

Eat it!

That’s good. A spoonful for Jojo

Come on, eat!

One for Rosalie

One for Natacha

Are you attracted to her? You’re not in
the same category: you’re a heavyweight

Mucho jamon por dos huevos:
lots of ham for two balls

I don’t know your games

The more I think, the less I understand.

I’m just doing my toenails

I see, but I don’t see why

You say « why » but in your mind
it’s « for whom », isn’t it?

Yesterday when you went out
you had a spun sock on your left leg

And when you went back,
it was on your right leg

You’re implying
I’m turning tricks.

Regarding our financial
situation, it could be a good idea

I could stop teaching to these little
assholes and these little girls

Swinging between Miller and Baudelaire

50 francs for a blowjob

200 francs for a handjob

2000 francs for an irregular relationship
and 10.000 to have it all.

What do you mean by « having it all »?

That’s what we had three years ago.
Four.

What do you mean?
Four years

What a memory!

I hope you destroyed the super-8 movies

You're kidding, I kept them all.
Archival and historic documents!

We call this nostalgia, comrade

Did you hide my gun?

No I didn’t, it’s still here

Where?

Intellectuals should never play with guns.
Don’t worry my dear

Only womenfolks can chose
to make an overdose

of sleeping pills.
Keeping their phone…

close to her, to be certain to survive

Hello darling, quickly call the doctor,
I messed up

For heaven’s sake,
don’t let me die

And after the stomach wash,
here we go!

I love the smell of acetone

It reminds me the smell in the hospitals.
Fine, I’ve heard that story before.

To be or not to be.
That is the question

Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune

Or to take arms
against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them

Do you know what follows? Translation!

To be or not to be, that is the question.
Perfect

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer,
the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
and by opposing end them

To die to sleep, no more

and by a sleep
to say we end the heart-ache

and the thousand natural shocks
that flesh is heir to

T’is a consummation devoutly
to be wish'd

To die, to sleep,
perchance to dream—ay

there's the rub

For in that sleep of death
what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off
this mortal coil

Must give us pause

There’s the respect that makes
calamity of so long life

For who would bear the whips
and scorns of time

The oppressor’s wrong,
the proud man’s contumely. Well done

The pangs of dispriz’d love

he law’s delay,
the insolence of office

and the spurns that patient merit
of the unworthy takes

When he himself might his quietus
make with a bare bodkin?

It’s fine, go on

who would fardels bear, to grunt
and sweat under a weary life

But that the dread
of something after death

The undiscover’d country
from whose bourn no traveller returns

puzzles the will, and makes us
rather bear those ills

we have, than fly to others
that we know not of

Very good

Thus conscience
does make cowards of us all

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o’er
with the pale cast of thought

And enterprises of great pith

and moment, with this regard
their currents turn awry

And lose the name of action

Soft you now! The fair Ophelia!

Nymph, in thy orisons
be all my sins remember’d

It’s very good

You’re a senior, didn’t you learn
the spelling of « entregent »

If you’re waiting

diamonds to come to you

You might as well die

Every night you’re crying

pearls of melancholy

Crying is useless

in front of the jewelry store window

No need to cry

these ornaments are priceless

Nothing beats to have a man

At least to get over one’s desire

Look behind you, darling

Your golden necklace is running away

You can only count on you

Hurry while you’re still pretty

In the eyes of all these old trashes

Your youth is priceless. Wait a minute…

You lecher

I'm gonna tell my dad

Tell about it

Beat it, I’m sick of you

Scumbag, bastard, slut

You’re the one touching
my daughter’s tits? Who are you?

I’m Rosalie’s and Natacha’s father,
did you get it?

And since I’m a gentleman
and Natacha’s still a virgin

‘cause I got her fingered by a doctor,
I’m gonna rat you out to the cops

I’m a zinc worker,
I know about clinking

Come on…

And you’ll go to the clink for good

I’m taking one for the road.
We can celebrate, can’t we?

Hurry up, I’m sleepy.
It’s my homework for tomorrow

Where did you stop?
«I was rudely shaken…

… unfreshed.
I then descended to the school-room »

I forgot the rest.
I read you the rest

« Boys are cruel, and delight in cruelty

acting under the oppression
of their absolute masters

All that is evil in them is called forth

all that is good is repressed

They remember the tricks,
all brutish, that were played on them

the gibes at their simplicity

and they will not allow a new comer
to escape from the ordeal

Boys at school are taught selfishness

cunning and cruelty

he who retains a touch of kindliness

is their fool »

What is it? It’s Mr. Stan’s picture.
Where did you get it?

I stole it from him.
Look at his face: so ugly!

You’ve had a crush on him?
Are you nuts?

I prefer James Dean,
I find him fucking hot

Well, he’s dead

He has something in common with him:
he’s a living corpse

I don’t like him, he smells like death

You’re so harsh

I admit he’s getting a little handsy,
it’s all in good fun though

That’s what he did to you? Stop it!

Fuck you,
I’m not a dyke (a « stamp gluer »)

What do you mean?

She’s a girl who loves girls

The orchestra was playing a beautiful tango

He was holding his love in his arms

I took a knife on the table

And...

my revenge was cruel

Yes, it was

I was wasted

I made a mistake

I killed my gigolo

my dear friends

Like a naughty girl

I stuck my knife in his belly

Give me some coke

to disturb my mind

my spirit flies away

to the Lord

where my sweetheart

drove me crazy

You know,

despite appearences,

I am...

an intellectual

Here’s the proof

I know

the sorcerers who summon the jets

in the jungle of New Guinea

They're scanning the zenith

greedy for guineas

through cargo looting

On the Coral sea,
as the plane passes,

These smart creatures

These Papuans hope
the clouds will cause…

the accident of the Viscount

and of the Comet

As their totem…

never succeeds in shooting down

neither a Boeing nor even a DC-4

they’re hoping for a hijacking
or a bird accident

These naive shipwreckers
armed with blowguns

do not respect the cargo cult

blowing in their sarbacane
towards the sky and planes

Keep it down, you get on my nerves
with your bullshit

I got enough on my mind

Come on, you’ll be out soon

You’ll just stay under custody

I took it for life

I’ve already served five years

Five « musical » years.
What do you mean by « musical »?

Because of the beans, dickhead

With the remission of penalty…

if I keep my nose clean,
I’m going to stay…

another 10 years in this prison world

I’ll fill you in

and not with Chanel perfume

You were just playing doctors and nurses

Well, what do you know?
You’re not a horndog like I used to be

To defend myself here,
I have only Five-Fingered Mary

After fucking them like a beast

I used to take my six-blade knife

« made in swissland »

I used to take the tallest one

I’m not talking about the girl
but about the blade

And I cut her throat

Do you know how I got caught?

A damn dog dug up a human tibia
in my garden

Do you know
what the judge told me in court?

Why did you put the victims in a chair
after cutting their throat?

And I foolishly answered

« I used to go for a walk
after the murder

And I just like knowing

that someone was waiting
for me when I came back »

Goldberg, you have a visitor,
come quick!

you came to see the wild animals

Pay attention

The Metro Goldwyn Mayer lion

Any news about my script?

I read a couple of pages
but I don’t think they’re gonna pay for it

Everybody is fucking everywhere

If you came just to throw jokes at me,
it wasn’t worth the trip

Beat it, I’m sick of you

I told your students you were in the
hospital. In a psychiatric hospital…

You should see the poet they put me with

Have you ever heard of
Antonin (M)Artaud (= hammer)

You changed your lipstick

Only Jojo was worried about you

And what about Natacha? No news

Is that all?

I almost forgot, I brought you
Shakespeare’s books

Othello, Macbeth,
The King Lear, Richard III

My kingdom for a horse,
my dick for a horse kingdom

Why didn’t you bring Hamlet?

I was already in a deep shit
and you put my head in the bowl

Othello, Macbeth, The King Lear,
you can shove them up your ass

You see what I mean, bitch!

Goldberg be quiet or I’ll put you
in solitary. Shut the fuck up!

It’s going to get stormy.
And Aurore is getting corny

High-class joke!
Stop your bullshit, I’m not in the mood

I’ll tell you something:
I’m starting to get you

In what way?
When you speak about cutting throats

Squeak!

Your name is Natacha, isn’t it?

Come, come closer.

Don’t be afraid, sit down

You’re pretty,
as fresh as morning dew

You didn’t go to jail to see him?

You could have at least
sent him flowers

But do you even know
the language of flowers?

So, listen to me:

Absinthe: absence, bitterness

Acacia: elegance, the desire to please

Almond tree: sweetness, recklessness

Amaryllis: artifice

Hawthorn: be careful

Camelia: beauty without pretension

Lily of the valley: end of sorrows,
back to happiness

Forget it!

Myosotis: forget-me-not

Narcissus: selfishness, vanity

Water lily: coldness

Carnation: whim

Orange tree: virginity

No one’s touched you yet, I assume

Except Stan who brushed you

like a flower

Orchid: refinement

Poppy: sleep, dream, lethargy

Pansy: recollection

Reseda: tenderness

Tuberose: desire, voluptuousness

Violet: modesty

Convolvulus: the desire to please

You’re eager to please, aren’t you?

I’d rather think of you as a plant

I think of you as a nettle

It secretes an acrid liquid

containing formic acid

And touching it is painful

Go away!

Aurore?

She’s not here

Where is this fucking idiot?

Whore perfume

Fuck!

Stan, you really disgut me

By the way, your script sucks

At least according to
the producers and myself...

Movies aren’t your thing

I found a waitressing job
at a shitty bar where I get paid peanuts...

I’ll try to make a future for myself
by forgetting this miserable past

I took the lace tablecloth
Mom gave you for your birthday...

And also the Chinese porcelain
coffee cups and silverware

I leave you the crystal glasses
for your fucking vodka

Goodbye Stan, poor schmuck.
So long baby and good luck. Aurore.

Bitch!

Here is high society

Hi Stan. Hi

Do you want the last news?

The bitch took off. Did she?

Is that final?

So it’s over

You worked hard for it, did you?

I hadn't fucked
this whore in six months

Do you want me
to let you into the secret?

In my last few attempts,
I went floppy inside her

What is the life of senses:
an alternative movement

which goes from appetite to disgust
and from disgust to appetite

The uncertain soul always floats
between renewed ardour

and slowing down ardour

But in this perpetual movement

we never tire of being entertained
by the image of a wandering freedom

According to Bossuet

quoted by Flaubert's defense attorney
at Madame Bovary's trial

It rocks, it’s awesome

It’s a shocker

I don't want to hurt your feelings,
but vodka is best drunk cold

I’m sorry. Since I was in prison

and my wife is gone,
the fridge had time to defrost

Stan the flasher

What did you say?
A « flasher »

which derives from the word « flash »

an American word

Literal translation: exhibitionist

A morbid obsession
that causes some people

to impulsively flaunt their genitals

preferably in front of the little girls

naked under a trenchcoat or,
if one prefers, a raincoat

I've done this a couple of times,
I don't know what came over me

How do you know that?
You're the one who told me

one night when we were drunk

It's fun, it's fun

I won another 3000 fcs in a poker game.
Of course, you're cheating

This way, it's easy

Actually

First you have to be skillful

and then you must find suckers

To be or not to be

Question, answer

Natacha?

Natacunt, natacunt...