Stan & Ollie (2018) - full transcript

So, you'll never guess
who turned up yesterday.

Go on.

- Madelyn.
- Madelyn showed up?

Completely out of the blue.
I haven't seen her in 15 years.

And there she was,
standing on the doorstep,

- all gussied up.
- Ha-ha-ha.

And that's a sight
I thought I'd never see again.

What did she want?

20,000 bucks.

Ha-ha-ha! 20,000 bucks?

15 years of back alimony.
I said, "What alimony?



"When we split up, I gave you
whatever money we had,

"and you took the car.

We agreed, that was that."

Geez, not even Mae asked for that,

and she wanted me to pay
for a chauffeur.

It's because our pictures
are plastered all over town.

Probably some lawyer's bright idea.

Well, in any case, I haven't got it.

Myrtle cleaned me out when we split.

You been down to Tijuana?

- Why you ask?
- We had a few days off.

Well, as a matter of fact,

I did take a little trip down there

with Mysterious Montague,
trying to win some back.



Not entirely successfully, unfortunately.

Hey, when is your contract up?

We should ask for a little more money.

A little more? Are you kidding?

Charlie, Buster, Harold,

they get ten times what Hal pays us.

Well, they own their own pictures.

Exactly. That's what we're gonna do.

Hey, boys. How's it going?

Georgie. We're going shark fishing.

Mr. Laurel doesn't know it yet,
but he's the bait.

Now, how are we gonna do that?
We're under contract.

We can't just change the terms.

Well, we stick together,
we renegotiate with Hal,

get a bigger slice of the pie.

If that doesn't work,
then we walk and set up on our own.

Oh, I don't know.
I mean, I'd love to own our pictures,

but it just doesn't
seem like the right time.

I've got a lot going on.

This overhead is killing me.

- Hi, Babe. Ha, ha.
- Hello, girls.

Hey, guys, you're wanted on set.

Ah, Burgess, just the man.

Listen, take this to our friend.

Tell him I want it on Bold Venture,

the fourth race at Santa Anita,
on the nose.

There's something in there for you.

Would you do it right away, please?

- It's about to start.
- Okay. Thank you, Mr. Hardy.

You'll be fine, Babe.

Just lay off the horses
and don't get married again.

Oh, I didn't tell you.

- I proposed to Lucille.
- Scripty Lucille?

- Yes.
- Damn.

And she said yes.

Ah. That's great news, Babe.

She needs a head examining, but...

- Ha-ha-ha.
- ...great for you.

Here.

I'm never getting married again.

I'm just gonna find a woman I don't like

and buy her a house.

Ha! That's a good one.

Listen, I can't afford
to fool around with my income,

so don't antagonize Hal,
will you, please?

I don't like to talk about business.

Not when we're working.

I promise I'll be as nice as pie,

- so long as he doesn't show up.
- Heh.

They're ready for us, girls.

What's this? Our rodeos are getting
a lot more interesting.

You know,
I don't miss England one little bit.

- Hello, girls.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Heh, heh.

Oh, by the way, I've chartered a sailboat

to Catalina this Saturday.

- You want to come?
- Ah...

I gotta work on the gags
for the bar routine.

- Ah, be a lot of nice girls there.
- Yeah?

Miss Myrna Loy will be on board,
among others.

Ah, yeah, well, all right, maybe I'll come.

What are all these Romans doing here?

I don't know.
Maybe there's a sale at the Forum.

You've got a million of 'em, don't you?

Hey, Lucille,
have you got my sides over there?

- Right here, Mr. Horne.
- Thank you.

A sweet for my sweet.

Oh, thank you, Babe.

Listen, let's not talk about leaving.

Let's just try to get ourselves a raise.

- Hey, Jimmie.
- Give you a raise?

He'd rather lower Hollywood,
and that's a Scotsman talking.

- Going for a smoke.
- Heh, heh.

That's it, Stan.

We're through.

I'm throwing the moral clause at you.

Morning, Hal.

Another fight at his place last night.

One of the neighbors sees
Ruthie sock him in the mouth,

so they call the cops.

She found out about Vera.

Yeah, it cost me 500 bucks
to keep it out of the papers,

and that's coming out of your paycheck.

You signed a contract
not to prejudice Hal Roach Studios.

Well, you know all about prejudice.

How's your pal Mussolini,

the one you were going to go
into business with

before he started bombing
all those poor people in Africa?

You see? All he wants to do is fight.

What are you looking for, Stan?

I'm looking for a fair price

for a Laurel and Hardy picture,
and you know it.

Our pictures sell all around the world,
and we haven't got a dime.

That's because
you keep getting divorced!

No, it's because you're a cheapskate
who got rich off our backs.

- Oh, come on, now, Stan.
- He is.

He's a Cheapskate, a skinflint
and a... and a parvenu.

- A parvenu?
- He thinks, because my contract's up

and yours isn't, that I won't be able
to go anyplace else

and I'll have to take what he's offering.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Mr. Roach?

What's a parvenu?

Well, it's someone
who started out with nothing,

got rich but has no class.

Look it up in the dictionary, Hal.

There's a picture of you.

Oh, you think you're
some sort of smart-ass, huh?

Well, guess what. I'm smarter.

Has he told you yet?
We're setting up on our own.

Hal, it might be best

if you could see your way
to a small raise.

You're setting up on your own, huh?

Well, how about this?

Babe's still under contract with me,

and I ain't releasing him.

You can't have Hardy without Laurel.

Oh, well, that's what you think.

Hal, uh, could you maybe
continue this some other time?

Unless you want to pay
for an extra day, of course.

Go ahead, shoot. Go ahead.

Okay, so we're on
a wide two-shot here, Stan,

just like you wanted.

Then I'm gonna pull back...

- What are you checking with him for?
- Well...

You're the director.

- Direct.
- Ugh.

Next person you'll be hearing from
is my lawyer.

Positions, everyone.

Comedy Western.
Who came up with that smart idea?

Well, that went well.

So, uh, who else is
gonna be on this boat?

Clark Gable, some other people.

- No, no, no. Women.
- Oh.

Carole Lombard.
She's friends with Myrna.

Oh. Okay, I'm gonna come.

- Oh, good.
- All right, show's over.

Let's, uh, roll sound.

- I said roll sound.
- Speed.

Roll camera.

- Ready, boys?
- Quiet, please.

"Way Out West," scene 12, take one.

Oh, what's after the curtseys?

Uh, after the curtseys,
knee bend, then turn and shake.

- Got it.
- Camera set.

Right, back projection.

- Cue music.
- ♪ And you hold her ♪

- And action!
- ♪ Slightly enfold her ♪

♪ A little bolder ♪

♪ Just work your shoulder ♪

♪ Snap your fingers one and all ♪

♪ In the hall, at the ball ♪

♪ That's all ♪

♪ Some ball ♪

♪ Commence to dancing,
Commence to prancing ♪

♪ Commence advancing,
Right and left a-glancing ♪

♪ A moochee dancing ♪

♪ Slide and glide entrancing ♪

♪ You do the tango jiggle ♪

♪ With a Texas Tommy wiggle ♪

♪ Take your partner
And you hold her ♪

♪ Slightly enfold her ♪

♪ A little bolder ♪

- ♪ Just work your shoulder ♪
AUDIENCE: Ha-ha-ha!

♪ Snap your fingers one and all ♪

♪ In the hall, at the ball ♪

♪ That's all ♪

♪ Some ball ♪

♪ Commence to dancing,
Commence to prancing ♪'

♪ Commence advancing,
Right and left a-glancing ♪

♪ A moochee dancing,
Slide and glide entrancing ♪

♪ You do the tango jiggle
With a Texas Tommy wiggle ♪

♪ Take your partner and you hold her ♪

♪ Slightly enfold her ♪

♪ A little bolder ♪

♪ Just work your shoulder ♪

♪ Snap your fingers one and all ♪

♪ In the hall, at the ball ♪

♪ That's all ♪

♪ Some ball ♪♪

Whew.

- Oliver.
- Ah, Mr. Delfont.

- Stanley.
- Well, hello there.

- Welcome to England.
- Thank you.

Welcome to Newcastle.
Wonderful to see you.

How was your journey?

Well, you know, that train trip

sure takes it out of you, doesn't it?

Mm-hm.
- Good, good, good, good, good.

Uh, we're delighted
you've taken the trouble

to come and greet us, Mr. Delfont.

Please, call me Bernie.

I want to do everything
I possibly can to make sure

that this tour gets off on the right foot.

Yes, well, that's something
we were hoping to discuss

with you over dinner, actually.

We're a little concerned
that some of the tour dates

are going to be in conflict
with the shooting dates

of this Robin Hood picture we're doing.

I would love to have dinner with you.

Unfortunately,
due at the theater in ten minutes.

- Ah.
- One of my other acts.

Norman Wisdom.

Bright young talent. Blazing.

And we must nurture
the young generation, gentlemen.

I know you both feel as passionately

about that as I do.

- Hmm.
- Anyway, get yourselves settled in.

Charming staff. Charming.

We shall speak anon.

- All righty.
- All right.

- Enjoy the show.
- I shall.

Stan, he does know
we're making a movie, right,

and we're doing this tour
while we're waiting

for things to come together?

Yeah, it's all been spelled out, you know.

All been agreed up front, 110%.

Good.

Where'd you get that?

Uh, it's a... I got it in a shop.

Like a beret, you can fold it up

and stick it in your pocket like that.

Well, here we are.

Well, we'll only be here one night.

Well, three.

Right.

Come on, Stan. Let's get out of the rain.

Good evening, sir.

Now, can't you see
she's standing right there?

You don't need to ring that bell.

Good eve...

That wasn't me.

Please pardon my friend.

You just wait till I tell me mam it's you.

We never get anybody famous
staying here.

To be honest, I thought you'd retired.

No, we're-we're...

we're getting older,
but we're not done yet.

Where are youse
gonna be appearing, then?

The Theatre Royal?

No, it's, uh...

No, it's the Queen's Hall.

Queen's Hall? That can't be right.

All the big stars perform
at the Theatre Royal.

That's where you'll be playing.

Well, I'm sure you're right.

Is it Theatre Royal?

No, it's just the Queen's Hall.

Right, here's your keys.

Thank you.

Now, is there a bellboy?

No-.

All right.

Most of you have realized

it's been a wet and windy day
in Northern England,

as it has been for quite some time...

Oh, uh, my room in ten minutes?

Your room in ten minutes?

Yeah, we've gotta run those lines.

Really?

Sure, we're-we're almost done.

All right. Yeah, I'll be right in.

What's the hotel like?

It's... like a castle.

Well, that's wonderful.

Everyone is so excited
about us touring again

that we're being treated like kings.

Well, Ida and I received our tickets today,

so we're just as excited as can be.

Oh, and so am I.

So, how are things with Stanley?

Well...

you know Stan.

Well, how has he been towards you?

He... he's been good.

It's... it's complicated.

But we're just getting to know
each other again.

It's... it's good.

It's fine.

SCHENCK".
Are you sure Oliver

wants to do this, Stan?

I mean,

Fox would love to have you here, but...

It's what we've both been waiting for, Joe.

I-I can't understand
what's holding him up.

He promised me he was finished
with Hal Roach Studios.

Babe, where have you been?

You had me worried for a minute there.

Ha, ha. What the hell?

You're here now. You're both here now.

Here we are.

Is this gonna be all right?

It's just a movie, Babe.

Mr. Hardy, when you touch her knee
with the mallet,

she'll lift her leg
like you're checking her reflexes.

All right. Thank you.

Want to go for one, you two?

Ready when you are, Ollie.

Going to be great.

Thank you, dear.

You and Harry are
just gonna be great together.

- Roll sound.
- Sound speed.

- Roll camera.
- Camera speed.

Mark it.

"Zenobia," scene 21, take one.

And... action!

Why don't we have Stanley sign?

Then all we have to do

is have Oliver sign when he gets here.

That's-that's a good idea,
right, Joe?

Listen, we need to make sure

we're in a nicer hotel
once the girls get here.

Have you heard from Muffin?

- Miffin.
- Miffin'?

- Is that really his name?
- Mm-hm.

Has he given you our shooting dates yet?

I'm waiting on a call, Ollie.

Hey, what do you think about this
as a title for the movie?

- Hmm?
- "Rob 'Em Good."

As a play on "Robin Hood."

Right.

Yeah, I like it.

I-I've been working on this scene.

Uh, uh, you and I

break into the castle
to rescue Maid Marian.

Right? And we're hiding
from the guards behind a curtain.

Uh, uh, let me show you.

Uh, you're the guard,
and, uh, uh, turn your head away.

Ha-ha-ha. All right.

Okay, so you grab a sword.

Then you try and stab me
through the curtain.

Hold on there. I have to get a sword.

- You see that I'm hiding.
- Yes.

You see by my feet I'm hiding,
so you stab at my head.

Well, you can't hide from me.

- Now what?
- And then you just

grab the drapes
and pull them apart and...

Is that funny?

Why you stay in guest house?

You should be in best hotel.

Beggars can't be choosers, can they?

Okay, then why you not play West End?

No, no, no, no. I don't like this Delfont.

Ida, he booked the tour for us, and we...

we didn't exactly have
too many other offers, now, did we?

And, anyway, we-we have
the movie to look forward to.

I guess the theater's a little small,
but that means

- it'll be easier to sell out.
- Mm-hm, mm-hm.

How is Oliver? Hmm? He pulling weight?

He's fine.

Hello?

Stanley!

Hello.

Hello? Ida?

- Stanley.
- Thank goodness for that.

- Thought I 'd lost you.
- Oy.

Honey, I'm-I'm all out of change.
I gotta go.

Okay, you hang up first.

- No, no. You.
- Okay.

On three. One. Two.

- Three. I love you!
- I love you.

Hello?

Hello, Ollie.

I didn't expect to see you here today.

Well, I didn't have
anything better to do...

...so I thought I'd come and see you.

Thank you.

What have you got there?

I brought you some hard-boiled eggs
and some nuts.

Now, you know
I can't eat hard-boiled eggs and nuts.

If you wanted to bring me something,

why didn't you bring me a box of candy?

Well, you still haven't paid me
for the last box I brought you.

Hard-boiled eggs and nuts.

Mmm!

What's going on out there
with all those empty seats?

H-How's your knee?

It hurts.

Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so very kindly.

We hope you've enjoyed
our little bit of fun here tonight.

We certainly have enjoyed ourselves.

Pretty empty last night.

Pretty empty?

Could have invited
the entire audience back to our hotel,

and there would have been
plenty of room.

Listen, we have to make sure
Muffin doesn't come

until these houses pick up.

We don't want him getting cold feet
about the movie.

Well, then I won't invite him
until we get to London.

All right. You got it?

- Yeah, I got it.
- Here.

What time's our train?

- 8:05.
- What time is it now?

Hold this.

Do we really need that trunk?

How about I just punch you
right on the nose?

I haven't done that for a long time.

Can I poke you in the eye?

You could wring my neck.

I think I'd rather poke you in the eye.

- It's simple.
- Yeah, but if you wring my neck,

I can do that thing with my tongue.

You know, I don't know if my knees

- are gonna hold out for this.
- That's all right.

We'll just finish with a song
instead of the dance.

No, I don't mean the tour.

I mean this scene in the movie
where I fall into the river.

But that's historical, you-you know.
It's famous.

Robin Hood has a fight
on the middle of the log.

We-we gotta do that.

It's a made-up story. Ha-ha.
It's not historical.

All right, look, all I can say is
I'll do the best I can.

Tell you what, I'll have a word
with the producer, Miffin.

I'm sure he can cut round you

when we...
when we shoot the picture.

Maybe I will wring your neck.

Mr. Miffin, please.

It's Stan Laurel.

L-A-U-R-E-L.

That's right.

Oh, that...
well, that's very kind of you to say.

I'm afraid Mr. Hardy's, uh,

indisposed right now.

He's working in a Swiss cheese factory.

He got the job putting the holes in.

S-So, uh, Mr. Miffin?

Is he? All right.

Well, he-he sure does take
a lot of meetings.

It's just that I need to confirm a date

for him to come
and see our show in London.

All right, no, well,
I'll-I'll call again another time.

Thank you.

- How's Ida?
- Oh, she's fine. You know.

She says she's really looking forward

to seeing you and Lucille again.

- Very much.
- Good.

Oh, I... I got you something.

Oh.

Here, hold onto this. Ha-ha.

How do I look?

- You look swell.
- Ha, ha.

We're two peas in a pod.

We just want to know

who's playing Laurel and Hardy, please.

- They're playing themselves.
- Who are?

Laurel and Hardy, here in person.

The poster says,
they're-they're here in person.

But they've been retired for years.

- They're playing themselves.
- Good afternoon, folks.

- Look, Mammy.
- Hello.

Oh, ma'am, I-if you're buying tickets,

tell them you're friends of ours.

He'll charge you extra.

Two seats, front row.

♪ Shine on ♪

♪ Shine on, harvest moon ♪

♪ Up in the sky ♪

♪ I ain't had no loving
Since January ♪

♪ April, June or July ♪

♪ Snow time ain't no time ♪

♪ To stay outdoors and spoon ♪

♪ So shine on ♪

♪ Shine on, harvest moon ♪

♪ For me and my gal ♪♪

Mmm. The eternal mysteries
of Scottish cuisine.

- Hmm.
- Ever had haggis, Oliver?

No-.

Don't.

Now, then, gentlemen,
can I just say, terrific show.

Absolutely terrific.

- Thank you. Yeah.
- Thank you.

- I couldn't be happier.
- Well, let me tell you.

We're going to be working
in some new material.

- Right, Stan?
- Ooh.

Yeah, we have a double-door routine,

um, set in a railway station,
and when Babe's leg is better,

we're going to reintroduce
the dance routine.

Yes, and I think
that will all help enormously.

Double-door routine...
audiences will love that.

How do you feel about
the size of the audiences?

To be honest,
I've been a little disappointed.

And I think it's because of

all these small theaters
we've been playing.

Yes, and I am absolutely furious
about that.

All due respect, Bernard,
you picked them.

Now, I-l don't know what happened

with the larger theaters
we were talking about...

Well, they said they were all booked up.

Yeah, by Norman Wisdom.

Uh, isn't he one of your acts?

Boys, the last thing I want to do
is start canceling shows.

Wait, wait. Who's talking
about canceling shows?

Not me.

Well, we've only been at it a week.

Yeah, wh-when do you plan
to finish this tour?

Well, if we wrap things up
before we get to London,

that would give us
another ten shows or so.

And with a bit of a push, you know,

final shows, that sort of thing,

we should be able to go out with a bang.

- In Hull.
- No. Wait, no.

- Hull?
- We have this movie producer

coming to our show
in London in a month.

- Isn't that right, Stan?
- That's right.

And Ida and Lucille, they're flying over.

We can't finish
the show before London.

- Bernard, we've been clear
- Mm-hm.

That the only reason
we were doing this tour

was so we could pull
that Robin Hood picture together.

- That's right.
- Boys, boys, I know you're peeved,

but could I just say, I am furious.

I mean, they said,
"Oh, people don't come

to the theater anymore."

They said, "They just stay at home

"watching their new television sets,
or they go

"and watch Laurel and Hardy reruns

- at the local picture house."
- We don't get paid

- for those reruns, you know?
- That's what I said,

and then they said, "Could you persuade

"Stan and Ollie to do some publicity

in order to turn the tour around?"

Heh, heh. And I said, "lf you think

"that I'm gonna ask Laurel and Hardy

"to do some publicity stunts,
then you, my friend,

are sorely mistaken."

Hold on. Hold on, now.

We could do that,
couldn't we, Stan?

Sure, if you feel up to it, Babe.

Sure.

It would mean a very large amount

of extra work for you both,

making public appearances,
shop openings,

meeting local dignitaries,
so on and so forth.

- Would there be any more money?
- Ugh. They said no.

Uh, who is "they"?

People. The worst kind.

Wait, I-I thought you were in charge.

Ha-ha. So did I. Heh-heh-heh.

- All right, we'll do it.
- Terrific.

Well, I've told the press
and the newsreel boys

that there'll be a welcoming committee
in Carlisle.

Lord Mayor will be there.
He's desperate to see you.

He is a huge fan.
I'll make some calls.

Delicious.

Nothing new
about a couple of funnymen

making personal appearances.

But when Laurel and Hardy do it,

you can expect complications.

But even at a moment like this,

trouble just seems to follow them around.

Oh!

- What's the matter?
- My head hurts.

I'll get a doctor.

Oh!

Never mind the doctor.
Just get my glass of water.

Oh!

Unbelievable.

It certainly is.

Sorry to bother you, chaps.

Mr. Delfont would like to speak to you.

Uh-oh.

Any last words?

Evening, gentlemen.

If it's, uh, all right with you,

I'd quite like to have
a discussion about...

where we go from here.

Let me guess. Back to America?

Oblivion?

That was...

It was pure magic.

It was brilliant.

And ticket sales have improved
over the last week so much,

mainly due to your efforts,

we've sold out almost everywhere.

Uh, what about London?

Well, not only are we going to London,

but so many people want
to come see the show

that I've had to look for a bigger theater.

So I've, uh... I've booked
the Lyceum for two weeks.

We're guaranteed to sell it out.

That's-that's over 2,000 seats.

- Indeed.
- Heh, heh. Wow.

Do you know, it's moments like this

that make me love this industry.

Madness.

It's beautiful madness. Heh.

And it's not about the money.
It is not about the money.

I swear on...

Well, I swear on both your lives.

Ahem. You both feeling all right'?

That's... that's pretty good, yeah.

- Yeah, leave the jokes to us.
- All right.

Seriously, though,
it's a very special evening.

- Thank you, Bernie.
- Thank you.

Well, that went well.

It certainly did.

So, you're on the log with Robin Hood,

and he asks you what you want
to see him about,

and then you say...

"We're going to give him
a piece of my mind."

"We certainly are."

"We'd give him a piece of his, too,

but he doesn't have any to spare."

Heh, heh. Yeah, that's a nice line.

Have you reached this Muffin fella yet?

I mean,
I'm enjoying how the show's going,

but it's the movie we're doing it for,
isn't it?

Well, that's right, the...

you know, one thing leads to another.

Well, I sure hope so. Heh.

Not exactly spring chickens anymore,
are we?

London terminus, next and final stop.

All change.

Well, here we are.

There it is, the Eiffel Tower.

Ah, here we are.

That's the one.

- Look at that. That's wonderful.
- Yeah.

- It's-it's a beautiful piece, sir.
- Hmm.

Mr. Laurel not with you today?

Oh, no, he got himself
a new job mending broken biscuits.

I think it's wonderful you're still going.

Well, rigor mortis has not set in yet.

Sir, he's ready to see you now.

- If you'd like to come along with me...
- Thank you.

Good morning.

Uh, I'm here to see Mr. Miffin.

- And your name, please?
- Uh, Mr. Laurel.

Do you have an appointment,
Mr. Lauren?

Well, no, we keep missing
each other on the telephone,

so I thought if I dropped by,
that'd be the easiest thing.

'Cause he's not here right now.

Well, I can wait.

I think I-I've been speaking
to a different girl on...

on the telephone about this.

Uh, I've been speaking to her
for quite some time.

She's left.

Has she?

You sure you want to wait?
He might be quite a while.

Well, I'm here now, aren't I?

Take a seat over there, Mr. Lauren.

- Laurel. - I'll
let his office know that you're here.

There's a gentleman here
says his name's Mr. Lauren.

Right.

You know,
now that I see these two together,

I-I almost prefer this one.

It's our finest bracelet.

My wife is coming in from America today.

It'll be a gift for her.

- 350 pounds.
- Oh.

Let me just double-check something
real quick here.

Uh... do-do-do-do-da.

Ah, yes.

I wonder if you could hold
onto this for me.

I-I seem to have brought
the wrong wallet with me.

So I'll just tootle back to the hotel

and be right back tout de suite.

Of course, sir.

Hello, Raymond?

Well, I was wondering
if you could speak to your man

and-and... and place a bet for me.

Well, I'll tell you.

It's Hometown Boy at Kempton,
the 2:30, five to one.

Um...

let-let's make it 60.

60 pounds on the nose.

Hello? Can I help you?

Sorry. I have asked you to wait.

Please, you're not allowed in there!

Miss Clarke!

Mr. Lauren's in Mr. Miffin's office!

You're here to see Mr. Miffin?

Yes, uh, I'm sorry, uh...

uh, yes, I am.

I'm his production executive,
Cynthia Clarke.

- Hello, Cynthia.
- Oh.

Mr. Miffin is still detained,

but I've just spoken to him
on the telephone,

and he wanted me
to explain the situation to you.

He says he's sorry,
but he's been unable

to raise the finance needed
to proceed with the film.

Oh, I-l see.

He said he made it clear
in a cable he sent to you

before you left the United States

that all the finance wasn't in place.

Yes, well, I thought
he'd have it all lined up by now.

He wanted you to know
that he did everything he could

to bring the project together,

but he feels sure you'll understand

that the market is very challenging
at the moment

and it simply wasn't possible.

Yes, well... thank you.

Uh, thank you for your time.

Get The Sporting Times.

The Sporting Times, please.

There you are. Thank you.

Get "The Sporting Times."

- Bye-bye, now, kids.
- Bye-bye.

- Oh, what's all this here?
- Oh.

- All right, gents.
- Hi, boys.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Hardy.
- Delfont's idea.

He... he thought that the girls arriving

would be a good excuse
for some free publicity.

Ah.

Hmm. I'm really looking forward
to seeing them.

Oh, I've been counting the days.

46. Since we got here.

46 days.

46? Heh, heh.

Who counts from 46?

I was missing her.

Hey, I've been thinking.

We don't need to tell the girls

about everything
we've been doing, do we?

- Um, no.
- I don't want to mention

these personal appearances
and the drinking.

Uh, no, th-there's no sense
in getting them all worked up.

We'll just talk about how well
the tour's going and the movie.

Sure, and the movie.

Hey, if the car pulls up here,

do you think
we could do the door routine?

Heh. You just never stop, do you?

- Ooh, here they are.
- Here they are. Okay.

There she is. Oh...

- Hey, sweetie pie.
- Hello.

Hi, Stan.

Hey, girls, will you
both get out this side?

I've got something I want you to do.

Of course, darling.
I give them my good side.

Oh, no, Stanley, we just got here.

- Come on, girls.
- Oh...

Comedy duo Laurel and Hardy

were joined in London this week
by their wives.

But even in a simple situation like this,

trouble has a habit
of following them around.

Oliver Hardy, Bachelor of Arts,

always seems to have things
under control.

But somehow,
things never quite work out that way.

Yes, they're reunited again,

and now everyone can start
making up for lost time.

Well, I hope they got all that.

It's fine. It'll get a laugh.

Oh, well, I'm awfully glad
about that, boys,

but it would have been nice
to say hello to my husband

without immediately being pressed
into one of your skits.

Oh, Lord. It was just small fun.

Oh, is that what it was, Ida?

Don't be cross, angel.

Who knows?
Maybe you'll get discovered.

They could say,
"She ought to be in pictures."

Heh. No. No, no, no, I don't...

I don't think so, no.

Oliver, can we visit the Tower of London

and Saint Paul's?

- Oh, and Harrods?
- Of course.

Oh, and Buckingham Palace,

where that darling new queen lives.

Of course, angel.
You can visit anywhere you like.

No, no, no,
Winter Palace in Saint Petersburg.

- Oh, this is palace.
- Mm-hm.

The Buckingham is little doghouse.

We have been

counting the days until you got here.

- Oh.
- All 46 of them.

- Did you know it was 46, Stan?
- Heh.

How's the movie coming along, Stanley?

Oh, it's, uh... it's all set up

- for when we finish the tour.
- Oh.

There's this producer fella named Muffin.

Miffin.

And, uh, Stan has rewritten his script.

Oliver, that's enough salt.

You know it's bad
for your blood pressure.

Oh, sorry, angel, just a force of habit.

Anyway, this producer is set to come by

and see the show sometime next week.

Isn't that right, Stan?

Yeah, he said he'd-he'd try
and get along. Mm.

Stan has been
taking wonderful care of me

and making sure
that Daddy takes all of his tablets.

Has he been taking
the blue ones, Stanley?

Blue ones? I... I've been
giving him green ones.

Green? Oh, my goodness.
Oliver, what are they?

- He's kidding.
- Heh, heh, heh.

Well, I'm not finding that funny.

- I was dancer. Yes?
- Oh.

I dance for Preston Sturges.

- I dance for Harold Lloyd.
- Really, Ida?

You've never mentioned this before.

When my knee hurt,
what I do, hmm?

I dance some more, yes?

I go faster, I jump high,
and hurt go away.

- Oh. Mm.
- Hmm? I forget pain,

because pain is only in your mind, Oliver.

It's not in his mind, Ida.
It's in his knee.

And there's no way that you can do
the scene in this movie

where you fall into the river.

- I've been telling her about the script.
- Oh.

- Director can use double.
- That's what I told her.

- Sturges use double.
- It's okay

for Babe to sit about in a river all day,

is it, catching his death of cold?

Honestly, Stanley, come on.

Why you say Stanley?

- What?
- What?

Anyway, show must go on, yes?

And don't worry about river jump.

It's easy as cake.

- Easy as pie.
- Yeah, it's-it's a piece of cake.

That's what I say.

What do you see
in a fat old man like me'?

Hey, you, that's my husband
you're talking about.

I love you, and you can't stop me.

- Well, all right.
- Mmm.

How was the trip over with Ida?

Oh, you know Ida. Exhausting.

When she gets something in her head,

she won't let it go
till she's worried it to death,

and God forbid anyone should raise

the slightest criticism of Stanley.

Heh, heh. She's a real piece of work.

Yeah.

Has he been pushing you
a little too hard, Babe?

No-.

I mean, it is a bit more difficult

than I thought it might be, but...

the show must go on.

I think she wear pants
in Hardy house, no?

Oliver is like cat
on hot roof with Lucille.

Babe's been like that with all his wives.

He runs round after them,

jumping up and down,
trying to please them.

Oh, you can learn this?

She's been good for him,

considering the state he was in.

The state we were both in.

But now we don't drink
and we don't smoke,

and we're very happy-

He should say thank you to you
for all you do for him.

You could have long time ago said,
"Goodbye, Oliver."

That's all in the past,
and it's where it should stay.

Thank you.

You crazy. Send it back.

I don't want to drink it.
I just want to smell it.

No, it's bad for diabetes.

No-.

Now you can't drink.

I don't want to lose you, Stanley.

Mmm.

And to think nobody knows
that you're really a man.

Would you like me to arrange
you tickets for Norman Wisdom?

Oh, I don't know who that is.

Oh, one of the comic minds
of our generation.

Oh, well, that's wonderful.

- I'll speak to Oliver.
- Absolutely.

- Yea high, cap. After you.
- Thank you. Oh.

- Mm-mm. No, no, no. No, no.
- What?

No, I don't want to sit next to him.

- Hello. Hello.
- Evening.

Sold out. Wonderful.

Huge box office.

- Who?
- They sold a lot of tickets, Ida.

♪ On a mountain in Virginia ♪

♪ Stands a lonesome pine ♪

♪ Just below is the cabin home ♪

♪ Of a little girl of mine ♪

♪ Her name is June ♪

♪ And very, very soon ♪

♪ She'll belong to me ♪

♪ For I know she's waiting there for me ♪

♪ Neath that lone pine tree ♪

♪ In the ♪

♪ Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia ♪

♪ On the trail of the lonesome pine ♪

♪ In the pale moonshine
Our hearts entwine ♪

♪ Where she carved her name
And I carved mine ♪

- ♪ Oh, June, oh, June ♪
- ♪ Oh, June ♪

♪ Just like the mountains I'm blue ♪

♪ Like the pine ♪

♪ I am lonesome for you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ In the Blue Ridge Mountains
Of Virginia ♪

♪ On the trail of the lonesome pine ♪

♪ In the Blue Ridge Mountains ♪

♪ Of Virginia ♪

♪ On the trail of the lonesome pine ♪

♪ In the pale moonshine
Our hearts entwine ♪

♪ Where she carved her name
And I carved mine ♪

♪ Oh, June ♪

♪ Just like the mountains I'm blue ♪

♪ Like the pine ♪

♪ I am lonesome for you ♪

♪ In the ♪

♪ Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia ♪

♪ On the trail of the lonesome pine ♪♪

I wonder when the boys will be up.

Why don't you ask someone
to go get them, hmm?

Well, he seems a little preoccupied

with his fancy friends.

Come, we stand like lemon, huh?

Oh, Ida.

Hello.

Ladies, I was just on my way over.

Mrs. Laurel and Mrs. Hardy,

may I introduce Lord and Lady Warley

and Mr. and Mrs. Brockett-Smith.

- Hello.
- Good evening.

Such a wonderful reception,
isn't it, Ida?

- It's okay.
- Did you enjoy the show?

Oh, yes, very good.
Stuff and nonsense, wasn't it?

Well, Mr. Delfont, he told us that...

I have many offer
to perform on London stage,

but Hollywood call me.

Oh, so you're a bit
of an actress yourself, are you?

More of a dancer, really,
with a very high pain threshold.

I make film with, uh,
Preston Sturges and, urn...

- Harold Lloyd.
- Harold Lloyd.

No time for London stage.

No, and I'm sure the London stage

has been kicking itself all these years.

- Oh, yes.
- Yes.

We have to find our boys.

Excuse me.

Two double acts for the price of one.

This line that Robin Hood has

about stealing from the rich
and giving to the poor,

th-there's a gag there somewhere,
isn't there?

Babe, the girls are gonna be waiting
for us downstairs.

Delfont wants us to meet
these people from his charity.

No, never mind about them.
They're not going anywhere.

We just need to work through this
just a little bit more.

Hey, when is Muffin coming
to see the show?

He didn't say.

He should have been here tonight.
Went big tonight.

That was a crackerjack, wasn't it?

- Ha, ha, ha.
- It was.

All right, all right, how-how about this?

How about we tell Robin Hood,
"You've got it all wrong.

"You ought to steal from the poor

- and give it to the rich."
- No, no, that's not...

- Something like that.
- That's not right, it's...

- Well, what is it?
- Well, all-all right, okay.

- You got something...
- How about...

Okay, how about this?
Okay, I tap you

on the shoulder, and I say, uh, uh...

"Ollie, I got an idea.

"How about we-we give to the poor

"by stealing from the poor?

That way, we cut out the middleman."

That's it.

- Ha. That's it.
- All right.

Stealing from the rich to give to the poor.

Whoever heard
of such a ridiculous idea?

Well, it's communism.

Stanley,
he is not gonna fall into that river.

The script says I fall in the river,

- that's what I have to do.
- No, Oliver.

- It's historical, right, Stan?
- It is, yes.

I can't believe we have to see
all these people.

I just want to take a bath.

Yeah, I want you to take a bath.

- Heh, heh.
- Ah.

There you are.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Stan Laurel

and Mr. Oliver Hardy.

No-.

- Yeah?
- No, I-l don't want any.

- Oh.
- Thank you, no.

I got a great thing going here.

The... the more I drink,
the drunker she gets.

- Do loosen up, angel.
- Yes, loosen.

This movie could be big break for boys.

Oh, please. A big break?

Oliver is 61 years old.

- He's made 150 films, Ida.
- Shh.

Please tell me, how can they be

a matter of weeks away
from making this movie, Stanley,

and still not have
any shooting dates confirmed?

I mean, this is just such
a ridiculous situation.

It may be ridiculous,

but situation's not Stanley's fault.

- Honey, that's the...
- What?

Please, w-we're here to have a nice time.

Well, whose fault is it, then, Ida?

- What are you trying to insinuate?
- Oh, come on, now.

No. No, no, no.
I'd like to know how this nutty tour...

which, let's face it,
they're doing for the money...

has anything to do with Oliver.

Because Oliver make elephant film.

What?

- Gentlemen.
- What?

May I present two huge fans of yours,

Lord Angus and Lady Mary Warley.

Ladies, I'm being the most terrible host.

Shall we sample the delights
of the buffet?

My wife loves your films.

I-I don't really watch them myself.

I remember one about a piano.

You two had to push it up some stairs.

Have you seen that one?

- No.
- Oh, it's very good.

They had to push this piano
up to the top of the stairs,

and it was a long way, hmm?

And you got it up to the top of the stairs,

and the bloody thing came sliding

- all the way down to the bottom again.
- Hmm, hmm.

And you two had to push it
all the way back up.

- I know. I was there.
- And would you believe,

it only rolled all the way down again.

- Ha-ha-ha!
- Yes, that's what happened.

Was the piano damaged?

- It was a prop.
- No, it was a...

Would you please excuse us
for a moment?

- Oh.
- J-Just one moment.

- That was painful.
- Yeah.

What was that Ida just said
about the elephant film?

You're not still carrying that around,
are you?

No, it was just... you know, I like to

let off steam now and again, but she's...

she didn't know what she was saying.

You think this is all my fault

because I went ahead
and did a picture

with someone else 16 years ago?

Is that what you think?

You weren't there anymore.

- You left the studio.
- I was fired.

Because you were
a pain in the ass, Stan.

You refused to negotiate with Hal.

I was still under contract,

so I had to do that picture without you.

Well, that's, uh...
that's not how I see it.

And how do you see it, Stan?

Well, if we're laying
all our cards on the table,

the-the only reason
we're in this situation now

is because when I was trying
to get a better deal from Hal,

you were nowhere to be seen.

I had no choice, and you know it.

- I was broke.
- You had a choice.

You chose to be down
at the-the country club or the racetrack.

We had a good thing going with Hal,

but you had this big chip
on your shoulder

because you weren't
being treated like Chaplin.

You're damn right.
And you didn't have the guts

to ask for the deal that we deserved.

I'm getting a drink.

But, look, Ida, I don't want to fight.

I just want to do what's best for Babe.

- Oliver agreed to tour, no?
- Well, yes, he did. He did.

Okay, so life is not easy.

It never ever come on dinner plate.

Are you implying
that Oliver and I aren't hard-working?

You live in Hollywood.

- So do you and Stan.
- No, no, no, no, no.

I may live in Hollywood,
but I am not Hollywood.

Ida, you are the epitome of Hollywood.

- Don't you pity me.
- What? Oh.

I work my entire life to get where I am.

- Well, hey, I had a job.
- Yeah, poo-poo, script lady.

Well, how's your
acting career these days?

- No.
- Yes.

If you're accusing me

of trying to get along with people,
well, then I'm guilty.

I'm an actor. I do like people to like me.

I want people to hire me.

Sure, you wouldn't say "boo" to a goose.

Everybody loves Babe.

Come and play a round with Babe.

While I'm sleeping on a couch
in the editing suite.

Well, that's how you wanted it.

You cared about those things. I didn't.

Well, you can't have, or you wouldn't

have gone off to work
with somebody else.

L-I couldn't sleep for days
when they told me what you did.

And I couldn't sleep when I did it.

But you Still did it.

You betrayed me,
betrayed our friendship.

Friendship?

We're friends
because Hal Roach put us together,

and the only reason we stayed together

was because the audience wanted it.

I have real friends.

And yes, we play golf,
and we go to ball games,

and we have sauerkraut
on our bratwurst.

People will remember our movies

long after you've finished your hot dog.

You know something,
you're just a lazy ass

who got lucky 'cause you met me.

Lucky?

To spend my life with a hollow man

who hides behind his typewriter?

You're not real, Stan.

You're hollow. You're empty.

I loved us.

You loved Laurel and Hardy,
but you never loved me.

So what?

Bravo!

Was that funny?

What are you gonna say to him?

Nothing.

There's nothing to say.

Oliver, I would go
to the ends of the earth for you,

I would do anything for you,
but I won't stand by

and watch this lifestyle of yours
put you in a wooden box.

There, I've said it.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

You know what?

You're absolutely right.

Just as soon as we're finished up here,

that's it.

I'm through with him.

Once and for all.

Oh, Babe.

- Tsk, tsk, tsk.
- Shh. Oh, Babe.

Good morning.

Your taxi's outside, Mr. Laurel.

Have you seen Mr. Hardy at all?

He left about 15 minutes ago, sir.

Thank you.

There you are.

Morning.

Welcome to Worthing, gentlemen.

- Can I get you anything?
- If you don't mind,

I would love a cup of tea, please.

- Of course.
- I'll do it.

I'd rather you made my cup of tea,

if that's all right.

- Of course.
- Thank you.

Um, how do you take it?

Milk, four sugars.

Milk and four sugars, please.

Of course.

Ahh.

Thank you very kindly.

Well, I think it's amazing

that you two are still going strong,

still using the same old material.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Uh, I, uh, wanted to tell you something.

So, I was talking to this fella
about, uh... about eggs.

I know you like your eggs.

And, uh, he said they get a powder

to supplement the government ration.

You get a packet a month,
same as a dozen eggs.

Doesn't taste too good, but, uh,

you can make an omelet with it.

That's what he said.

Stan, I have nothing to say.

Well, I've got nothing to say to you, too.

And you can ignore what I just said,

because I won't be repeating it.

Right. Enough bits.

Ah, forget it.

To present the crown

to the winner
of the Bathing Beauty Contest,

Mr. Laurel and Mr. Hardy.

Thank you. Aren't-aren't they...

aren't they beautiful?

Ladies and gentlemen, uh,
Mr. Hardy and myself

would like to thank you
for such a warm, warm welcome

we've received here
from everyone in-in Worthing,

our favorite seaside town.

And, uh, really,
I-I suppose all that remains

is for me to put this lovely tiara crown

on our beautiful winner.

Will you... will you quit sulking
and get up here?

And the winner...

Babe, you're not...
Babe, Babe, what happened?

You all right?

What's going on?
What's going on, buddy?

Uh, someone turned out the lights.

Talk to me.

Excuse me, ma'am.

This is so stupid.

- Okay.
- Here, 430.

Lucille?

I've got my key here somewhere.

He had-had a funny turn.

Oh, my goodness. What happened?

Well, we were about to go onstage,

and he said he wasn't feeling well,

and he sort of collapsed.

Collapsed? No, I need
to get a doctor right now.

No doctor.

I got him here as fast as I could.

You should have taken him to the hospital.
Look at the state he's in.

- I tried.
- Yes, hello.

This is Mrs. Hardy in room 430.

Now, I need a doctor to attend

to my husband right away, please.

- Mr. Oliver Hardy.
- Don't worry, I'm fine.

My goodness, please hurry up.

I'm so sorry, Lucille.

Thank you, Stan. I'll take it from here.

It's fine. Don't worry. You hang up.

Goodness, why are they taking so long?

- Hang up.
- Oh, my goodness, please hurry up.

Yes, I already told you...

Lucille won't let anybody near him.

We can't expect him back anytime soon?

- I-I don't think so.
- Oh, shame.

The advance London bookings
are very strong.

Everyone wants to see you.

Shows a huge success.

It's not Babe's fault that he got sick.

No, of course not. Of course not.

Stanley, am I right in thinking

that before you teamed up with Oliver,

you used to work with other partners?

Well, yes, when I was in vaudeville,

I-I worked with lots of different partners.

Um... of course, Charlie Chaplin was one.

- Mm.
- But th-these were very fleeting...

And, of course,
Oliver made his elephant film

with a different partner.

Well, what's that got to do with anything?

Oh, I don't know.

Random thought. Heh.

There's a, um... there's a very popular

double act here called Cook and Baker.

Cook is basically Hardy to Baker's Laurel,

if you see what I mean.

And I was just wondering
whether you might consider

doing a couple of shows
with Nobby Cook,

just to keep the seats full
until Oliver can return.

Go on without Babe?

Well, something to mull over, anyway.

After all, those sausages don't pay
for themselves.

Hi, Stan.

Please don't tire him out.

Hello, Ollie.

I didn't expect to see you here today.

I got you something.

Eggs?

- Laid 'em myself.
- Heh, heh.

I had to go down to the kitchen
to see if they had any spare.

Three shillings each, they cost me.

Thank you, Stan.

I'll have one now, if I may.

Sure.

You know, Lucille didn't have to go.

She could have stayed.

I mean, that-that argument we had

the other night,
that was just... it was so silly.

It was... it was a-about nothing.

Just"

just nothing.

Babe, I-l wanted to talk to you...

I'm retiring.

What?

The doctors told me
I can't continue with the tour,

and I have promised Lucille I won't.

So I'm retiring, Stan.

I've promised Lucille, and that's that.

I'm sorry.

I should never have had us take this tour.

Well, je ne regrette rien.

And you shouldn't regrette rien, either.

Can't you just rest until you're better,

and then, you know,
we could start again?

They say my heart won't take it.

So I'm going home

just as soon as we can arrange
the crossing.

You're retiring.

- Oh.
- Yes.

Retiring.

So, what have you been working on?

- What?
- What new scenes for the movie

- have you been working on?
- Oh.

Nothing, really.

I haven't seen you for two days,

and you're trying to tell me
you haven't been working

- on new material in that time?
- Ha, ha.

Well...

Come on, then, out with it.

Well, I did have this idea
for a... a romantic scene

where you're pining for Maid Marian,

but she's holed up in a castle
with the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Right.

And then we hear
this very sad violin music,

and you start to cry;
you can't handle it.

And, uh, of course, you're...
you're bawling your eyes out,

the tears are bouncing off your cheeks,

but I'm not upset at all, you know,

and I-l don't know what to do.

- I'm...
- Ha, ha, ha.

And, uh... and-and then suddenly,

I-I think, "Oh, I know.

"I'll-I'll get this potted plant,

and I'll put it underneath you."

- Ha, ha.
- You know, so at least...

at least there'll be something
to catch the tears

and give the plant... plant a watering.

But then the plant just starts
growing like crazy, you know.

I'll get the prop boys
to rig me up the tears

so they're like little waterfalls.

- That's right.
- That'll be a riot.

That'll... that's great, Stan.
That'll go big.

Would you do me a favor?

Will you pull this blanket up on me?

- Sure.
- I just can't seem to get warm.

My goodness, your hands are like ice.

- Yeah.
- Here.

That better?

Yes.

So, have you talked to Delfont?

I spoke to him this morning.

What did he say?

Well, he... he didn't know
you were retiring, of course,

but he asked me, since you were sick,

if I wouldn't mind carrying on
the show with somebody else.

Who'?

An English comedian called Nobby Cook.

Well, that makes sense.

It's for the best, Stan.

Maybe it is.

Well, that's settled, then.

I'm retiring, and you're going on
with a new partner.

Hmm.

Yes.

That's it.

The other night, uh,
those things you said...

did you mean them?

No-.

DR! you'?

No.

Good.

Stanley, may I introduce to you
Mr. Nobby Cook,

one of our finest music hall comedians.

Very pleased to meet you, Nobby.

I've heard a lot of great things about you.

Mr. Laurel, I'm a big fan of yours.

- I've seen all your films.
- Oh, we'll have none of that.

You're Nobby. I'm Stanley.

I'm looking forward
to rolling my sleeves up

- and getting to work with you.
- Oh, thank you very much.

It's very nice of you to say so.

Heh, heh. You two are gonna be
absolutely terrific together.

Wonderful rapport. I'm laughing already.

Dare we attempt a run-through?

If you like. I-l mean, it's up to Stan.

Well, I can go off, come on again

- and take it from the top.
- That'll be great.

Good idea.

Belting, this, Stan, eh'?

Ha-ha-ha. Guaranteed laughs.

What have you got there?

Hard-boiled eggs and nuts?

Hard-boiled eggs and nuts?
Don't be so daft.

- What's the matter with you?
- Ha, ha.

I can't eat that.

Okay, and cue Stanley.

Isn't this so much nicer, Babe?

All the worry gone.

Just you and I relaxing together.

I spoke to Mother today,
and she passes on her love.

And what, pray you,

has Robin Hood done
to inspire such wrath?

Well, we've heard that he steals

from the poor to give to the rich.

- lsn't that right, Stan?
- It certainly is.

He's got the whole thing
the wrong way round.

Exactly.

Our idea, you see, is to give to the poor

by stealing from the poor,

thereby cutting out the middleman.

And the rich need never be any the wiser.

- Precisely.
- Hmm.

- Oh!
- Ha-ha-ha!

Here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.

Mm!

How's that for you, Mr. Cook?

Ladies and gentlemen,

please take your seats,
as tonight's performance

with Mr. Stan Laurel and Mr. Nobby Cook

is about to commence.

Laurel and Cook.

Enormously exciting.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm afraid that, due to circumstances

beyond our control,
tonight's performance

has been canceled.

Canceled?

What's going on?

Tickets can be
redeemed at the box office.

Redeemed?

You know, when you watch our movies,

nobody else in the stories knows us,

and we don't know anybody, either.

It was just the two of us.

All we had was each other.

It was just the way we wanted it.

I love him, Ida.

We go home?

Don't tell Babe.

Tell him I'm going to continue
with the dates in Ireland.

It would upset him to think
about me canceling the tour.

The doctor thinks
you should be well enough

to travel tomorrow, which is wonderful.

Now, I'm gonna go down
and see if there's any mail,

and then the Laurels will be stopping by

to say goodbye
before they go to Ireland.

I do hope it's not gonna rain today.

When that wind gets up,

the chill cuts right through to the bone.

I won't be long, Babe.

- Hurry back.
- Yeah. Mm.

Mr. Hardy, I believe you suffered

- a mild heart attack today.
- Oh.

I also believe there is some evidence
of congestive failure.

LUCILLE
Oh, dear God, I knew it.

Well, I think it's amazing

that you two are still going strong.

I think it's wonderful you're still going.

All me family love your films.

I suggest you go home

as soon as you possibly can
to seek specialist treatment.

You just wait till I tell me mam it's you.

My wife loves your films.

You cannot possibly go onstage again

in your current condition.

One of the bellboys down there...

Raymond, I think his name was...
said to tell you

he had a good tip for you on a horse.

Have you been gambling, Oliver Hardy?

Oliver.

Darling, you have money for bellboy?

Sure.

Answer, please. I powder nose.

And give him five shillings only, no more.

I'm only supposed to give you
a couple of...

You're not leaving, are you, Stan?

We've got some shows to do.

I think we should all get below now,
out of this cold.

Darling, I agree.

Oliver, will you at least listen to me
about this?

Or are you determined
to catch pneumonia?

I'm enjoying the fresh air, honey.

Really?

Stan, why don't you come sit here?

You girls go ahead if you're cold.

All right.

Come on, Ida.

- I'll bring him down.
- Yeah.

Come, we go.

Thought you might want this back.

Heh. Thanks.

I lied to you, Babe.

What do you mean?

There is no movie.

Miffin told me two weeks ago
it had fallen through.

I guess people just don't want to see

Laurel and Hardy pictures anymore.

But...

if I'd told you straightaway, then...

maybe we could have finished
the tour early

and you wouldn't have gotten sick.

You knew two weeks ago
there was no movie?

Yes, and I've been feeling terrible
about it.

Stan...

I knew.

- You knew?
- I knew.

Well, why didn't you tell me you knew?

I thought you already knew I knew.

How could I know that you knew I knew?

What would my line be here?

Um, well, "Now I know you knew,
but I thought you knew I knew,

but you were pretending
not to know I knew."

Ha-ha-ha. Thank you.

Wait, if we both knew,

why did we keep rehearsing the movie?

What else are we gonna do?

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- Hello. Hello.

- Thank you. I'm sorry.
- Excuse me.

- I'm sorry. Good evening.
- Hello.

- Good evening.
- My goodness.

Thank you very much. Hello.

- Yes. Thank you so much.
- Right.

- Good evening.
- No, no, no.

- No. No, no, no.
- What? Oh.

- No.
- That's fine. That's fine.

Good evening.

Oh, my goodness, I'm a little nervous.

- Heh.
- Don%be.

- They'll be sensational.
- Heh.

- Can I get you anything?
- Oh, no touching.

Hard-boiled eggs and nuts.

Mmm!

You look tired, Babe.

You look real tired.

Why don't we just go out there

and, uh, skip the song, say good night

and we can finish there?

I'm fine.

It was fun while it lasted,
wasn't it, Stan?

I'll miss us when we're gone.

So will you.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

We hope you've enjoyed
our bit of fun tonight.

We've certainly enjoyed ourselves,
haven't we, Stanley?

We certainly have.

Well, we'd like to finish now
with a little dance.

Oh, no.

Maestro, if you would be so kind.

Stanley.

- You sure?
- Yes, I'm sure. I can do it.

♪ Commence to dancing ♪♪

♪ Commence to prancing ♪♪

♪ Commence advancing ♪♪

♪ Right and left a-glancing ♪♪

♪ A moochee dancing,
Slide and glide entrancing ♪♪

♪ You do the tango jiggle
With a Texas Tommy wiggle ♪♪

♪ Take your partner
And you hold her ♪♪

♪ Slightly enfold her ♪♪

♪ A little bolder ♪♪

♪ Just work your shoulder,
Snap your fingers one and all ♪♪

♪ In the hall, at the ball ♪♪

♪ That's all ♪♪

♪ Some ball ♪♪

♪ Commence to dancing ♪♪

♪ Commence to prancing ♪♪'

♪ Commence advancing ♪♪

♪ Right and left a-glancing ♪♪

♪ A moochee dancing,
Slide and glide entrancing ♪♪

♪ You do the tango jiggle
With a Texas Tommy wiggle ♪♪

♪ Take your partner and you hold her ♪♪

♪ Slightly enfold her ♪♪

♪ A little bolder ♪♪

♪ Just work your shoulder,
Snap your fingers one and all ♪♪

♪ In the hall, at the ball ♪♪

♪ That's all ♪♪

♪ Some ball ♪♪