Stagknight (2007) - full transcript

What was that?
Where is the Captain and the girl?

Where's the cross?
The cross?

It's gone!

Get on with it!
No please stop!

No! If you stop, we die!
Now come along, faster! Come along!

What have you done?
What have you done! Shut up!

Just throw it away Sir,
maybe that's what it wants.

No, no!

I've come too far.

Without this, I can never
gain access to the cauldron.

Look, there's a cottage up ahead.
Perhaps we can hide there.



It's killed seven of us already.
Just throw it away now. Please Sir.

It's not worth it! Sir!
It doesn't matter anymore.

Hey Brian, you ever been
to a Stag Night before?

Yes Roger I have,
and I don't want any silly shit.

Okay Guys, time to figure out rules.

Number one. Whatever happens
here this weekend, stays here.

Number two.
No cell phones, no disruptions.

So give them up, and get them out.

Fancy a hit, Mate?

Oh sorry,
I forgot I've seen you at rehab.

Charles, it's your brother's weekend,

and he asked me to
take care of things for him.

So for the next 48 hours, you forget
about all the shit between you guys,

And behave.
You got that?



Yo Bachelor Boy.

I love you Man. I love you!

Great!

Yo Big Boy, give me your brick.
Boring.

We are, now entering the famous
sight of Mortens Gibb.

Legend has it,
that they buried him alive.

Supposedly, it is protected by
a guardian, dark guardian.

If disturbed... He will kill!

A bit like my ex-wife.

Okay Boys,
that's as far as we go.

Van gone away, now we park.

Hey Boys, wait for me.

You've got to be shitting me.

Just like old times, hey Bud.

Just woods, and the Weekend Warriors.

Yeah.

Boys ready, point!

Hi, I'm err, Roger Hooper.

You're late.

I'm the bridegroom.

I'd never have guessed.

All ten of you, right?
As agreed.

Excellent.

Fellow student of history I see

Archaeology, actually.

Of course, of course.

And this must be the map of
some local digs.. No!

Have you ever played
paintball before?

We're the Weekend Warriors.

The weak.

We came tenth in the league.

Tenth, aha.
But, we, we...

We... Were good.

Outstanding.

William!

Damsel in distress!

Look at the pretty boy's
favorite position.

About time.

Holy giant!

You'll have to excuse my kid
brother, he's a little slow.

Err, could you take care of
these, err phones?

Sure.

William, why don't you show our guests
to the gun shed? They want to play.

Hey Man, what's up?

Santos, what am I doing?

About what, Nigga?

I don't know.
Life, the wedding, work.

Wedding, the wedding.
Everything.

Hey.

We need to talk.

I mean I love her and everything
but, this is my life you know..

And then there's always the responsibility
of somebody else to look after..

What else, your profession, I'm a History
Teacher, I don't earn that much you know.

Then she's going to want to
have kids you know,

maybe I'm rushing into this Santos, maybe
I should just, give the whole thing up?

Look.
I'd give it all up.

The money, the houses, the cars.

The beaches, the drugs. In an
instance, to have what you've got..

Santos!
You're a Postman. Okay!

Now, the problem is, that I don't
believe.. What are you talking about?

Do I look like a
fucking Postman to you?

Yeah okay.
Five years ago, I was a Postman.

But now, I'm an International
Drug Entrepreneur.

Santos, you still deliver post to
my house every day for Christ's sake.

It's a front!
Whatever!

The problem is, is that marriage is like a
business you know, you sign contracts for life.

What happens when she says to me 'To love
and obey', and she doesn't even mean it?

Santos.

You are one of my oldest
friends, alright?

I couldn't care less whether you're
a Postman, a Drug Dealer or a Milkmaid.

But you're not going to tell
the others are you?

On Lemmas Eve, make it so.

What was that?

Kids, Tokis?
Tokis? Come on

He's coming!

Look at that's Knights Templar!

Oh my God, they've reformed Santos!

In the name of the ancient Gods..

This is a time, that is not a time,

in a place, that is not a place.

I call upon the power, of fire,
water and earth.

To witness this ceremony.

And by the virtue of those present..

Brian come back here and stop them.

It's the chant, I've got to
stop this, I've got to stop it!

They've got girls down there
Santos, do something! Easy man..

(Chanting)

Lord, I humbly offer the blood
of these virgin brides.

On this Lemmas Eve for you.

Pretty, pretty,
pretty prepare to die!

Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty..

What! Our ancient fellowship
must remain secret..

Brothers, you will learn the error
of these ways. Prepare to die!

Santos!
(Chanting)

What are you doing?

(Incoherent)

Hi Guys.

How are we? What's happening?

The girls! What?

This fine female, is Ginger.
And this young lady, is Blossom.

Now take it easy on them, alright?

Bastards!
Traitors!

Let's get wasted Baby, hmm?

You're so naughty.
Let's have a good time.

(Incoherent)
Guys, you can't leave me here!

Nice tail 'Pony Boy'.
What?

Bastards.

Charles! Roger!

Hey, it's my party.

Charles! Charles!

Better work.

Jesus Christ..
Jesus, What the..

(Mumbling)

(Cursing)

(Incoherent)

Brilliant!

I chewed through these
like a bloody rat!

Oh, yes...

Whoever is responsible for this,
can have it back.

Yeah!
Mike!

Alright Sleazies, it's sparkle time.

That's it, come on, come on,
girl shake that booty.

Get off!

There we go, work it,
work it, oh yeah!

Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's it.

What are you looking at Man?

Well?

They said it?

The chant?

Are you sure?

Then it's all set.

Get the tools out of the 4X4.

We're getting out of here
Little Brother.

Better work.

(Incoherent)

This one, the big one,
is for the groom only.

Let's get him.

Do we understand each other Baby?

What, this one's for me?

Right so, who's idea was it?

Well the lady who err, runs the joint, thought
it would be fun for the err, History Teacher.

Yeah, she laid out all the costumes.

Even the err script for
the ceremony is on the house.

Beer?

What did they do to you out there?

I don't know,
some sort of satanic ceremony..

Bullshit, chants...

And wait, its..

A jealous, evil...

Too powerful for men.
A giver of lives.

Eternal...

Beware!

For he, who disturbs the cauldron,

must face the wrath,

of the Guardian Knight.

Well I've heard scarier
stories from a nine year old.

But he forgets them every time.

Where, where's the cauldron buried?

Let's really get this party moving.

Permission to board.

Well then...

Look at me.

Use it wisely.

You've poisoned me.

I am no longer Geek Boy,
I am the Bang Daddy.

Let me tell you what, I'll show
you how Indians do it. Let's go.

Naughty boy!

Hello, who's there?

What the hell do you want?

Brian are you going to be in
there long?

What?

I'm such a cloth here.

Burn the shame, Mike.

Mike, put your dick away Mike.

I'm the Bang Daddy.

So, do you want to earn
yourself some proper money?

I don't think so.

(Inaudible)

I didn't know you played volley
ball, Darling.

I gave him some of my finest
whizz, Man.

You had a threesome?
With hookers?

I thought they were fans.

When I meet a man, I think...

Is this the guy I want my kids
to spend their weekends with.

I can see Uranus.

How's about we have a look,
at the big... Dipper.

I came here to dance,
and to serve drinks.

I don't do extras.

Come on, don't cut that
bullshit with me.

All girls do extras.

Especially out here.

No!

Okay, no foreplay then.

Did you really think you
could come out here?

Get your kit off in front of
a bunch of blokes.

And nothing was going to happen?

Not this time Bitch.

Oh no!

Are you okay?
Excuse me.

I am now.

I can't believe you guys are friends.
Yeah, well.

We were, until I caught him
in bed with my wife.

That sucks!
Yeah, well, life sucks sometimes.

Shall we?

Yeah.
Okay.

Oh, oh stop, you're so big,

I'm going to come!

Blossom Honey..
Watch me Olives!

Blossom?

Let's get out of here.

Party's over! You!
Get your coat cause we're going.

The party isn't over.

Saddle up Boys.
We're... Going out.

Night game!

Night game!

Don't worry Girls, this will get you
there a lot faster than the bus.

Ginger?
Come on Blossom.

Keep your eyes on the road,
stop it!

Slow down!

I'm holding on for my life!

Oh yes Baby,
you like the err Rallies?

You know, back home, they call me
Colin Mac.. What are you doing?

Calm down please!
Stop it!

Lovely night for driving hey?
Are you mad!

Hey Blondie, blondie in the back
there, do you like my driving?

Please slow down.
What is wrong with you? Stop it!

Seatbelts!

Okay.

Same teams as before.

And this time,

we hunt down you fuckers.

Whatever.

What about Mike?

Leave him a note.
And no rules.

No shots.
Nice.

And point blank kills.

Booby traps.

Can we err, throw shit?

Goody, goody. Well let's give
you boys a head-start, shall we?

Let's go.

So, we'll take them out,
any way we can.

Let's get going.

Oh, but they've only just left.

No rules.

Remember?
Okay.

(Cursing)

Ginger?

Where are you?

Are you okay?

Ginger?

Ginger!

Sorry Doll, she's..

What!

You know, she's..

Nobody falls forty feet.

On to the Chitons, and lives.

You don't know that.
Ginger!

Ginger!

Oh dearie me.

Err, I think she's dead now.

What is it?

There's something out there.

Where?

Drop back, cover the rear.

Come on Guys.

Are you going to get Ginger?

No, I am going for pizza.

(Inaudible)

You really don't know what
this is do you?

No, what?
This.

This is it.
This is Mortens Gibb.

So?

So, you cute girls,
why are you so dumb, huh?

Bye, bye.

What the fuck was that?

Anyone see anything?

Roger?
Huh?

Nothing.

At least I don't think so.

I saw it was err, big...

Black...

Big like a freight train.

Like Mr. C?

Seriously!

I saw a big, huge, black thing.

They must have shields or something.

What shields?

Alright listen up,
Dave, you and me, right flag.

Rog, you and Dog Boy,
left flag.

Brian, you're going to wait here,
watch our backs.

No.
Yes!

This is important.
Why?

Because I say so,
and I'm the captain.

You can do it okay.
Okay.

Come on.

See you later Brian, Man.

Will you forget about her, and come
here and give me a hand with this.

If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be
here and my friend would still be alive!

Hey! It's not my fault, huh!

It was your tits, and your lips.

Fuck you bitch and
move out of the way!

Oh, oh dearie me.

Welcome to my 'Blingdom' Baby.

(Foreign language)

(Incoherent)

What are you doing?

Come on Honey, just a little
kiss for your Love God Daddy.

All I wanted was just one kiss.

You're bloody lucky I got my
lucky underpants on.

With the extra padding..

What is this?

Oh dearie me.

Well who the fuck are you?

What the fuck was that?

Nothing. Just pricks trying
to freak us out. Come on.

But that was Santos.

Yes.

Then you go back there,

bang, bang,

double tap in the back of the head.

If you're going for coffee,
I take mine white, one sugar.

Okay.

Listen mate I tell you for a fact,
Santos is no screamer.

No, that's your..
(Inaudible)

Well let's just make that our
little secret, alright Choky.

Now what did the chant say,
how does it work huh?

Hello?

Bloody hell.

Wait a minute,
who were you talking to?

Who?

Nah, never heard of him.

Don't be a moron!

Our friend up there will take
good care of her and the others.

Now let's get on with what
we have to do.

Two of the reasons why you and I are
not working too well out here together.

One,

You're not a real
Weekend's Warrior and I am.

Two,

your breathe smells like cock.

Twat!

What are you doing? I need a kill.
Need some kind of trap

Come on, come on, come on.

(Chanting)

What's he doing?

He's not moving.

Looks like he's praying.

Maybe he's seen the light?

Well, he's going to see
the stars now.

That was my kill.

Come on.

Come on Santos, get up,
you're dead.

Oh my God!

Where's the party, Man, yeah!

Rock and roll..

What?

What's going on?

Santos?

Is he...

You want to hang that
someplace else?

Wolf, he's dead,
he's not coming back.

I'm going to fuck you up.

You hear me!

Monday, is usually best for me.

Hello Roger Darling.

Tony.

Tony.

Who pulled the pin?

It's that freak boyfriend of yours.

Who?

That William guy, that's who.

Is that the Postman?

Andy's Bitch kill him.

He's not my bitch.

Bet you wish he was though, hey?

Nine to lock it.
Nine to unlock it.

Cross in the lock.

Nine morons, they chant, lock opens.

Cauldron's mine.

All power, eternal life, yada, yada.

Knight kills morons.
Perfect.

Wait.

She had a cross.

So there's two crosses.

Why would there be two crosses?

Why?

Why! Because the bitch has
the real cross!

You moron!

Why didn't you stop her..

Mama always said,

if it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it!

We should have
smothered you at birth.

Now, go find her,

and bring me the cross.

The guardian's not
interested in you.

He's just going to kill anyone
who witnessed the chant.

You can take the cross off
her when she's dead.

Just find her!

Wait.

Get rid of those two losers before
they start stinking up the place.

I'm going back to pack.

Its clobber time.

You hear me Frankenstein!

Listen up!

We've got to get back to the cottage.

I'm calling the cops.

Before that lunatic,
takes another shot at us.

What if they get us
before we get to them?

I mean, to the phone.

I don't know about you,

Losers,

but,

I'm going back to the bunkhouse.

I'm going to get myself
a real gun.

And I'm going to hunt and kill
that ugly freak!

Myself.

Have you really got a gun?

A real one?

Yes.

Dog Man.

I have a real gun.

With, real bullets, alright.

Hold it!

We stick together. We get back
to base camp. We make the call.

And let the cops deal with it.
Right?

Yeah right, hang on!

Where are the phones?

Miss Meathead.

Fuck!

We've got to get out of here!
She's mad, she's killed the driver,

she's killed your friend for
the treasure of the tomb.

I nearly tripped back over what's
left of your friend back there.

Who?

This guy with the headphones.

No way, Mate.

Not Dave as well,
no way, Man, no way.

Wolf, calm down.

It's not him, okay.

It was him.

What!

Who's after us?

A guardian or something.

Don't you get it?

It's the guardian from the guidebook.

The Knight's Templars,
the Secret of the Cauldron.

It's the chant.

The chant you morons said,

opens the trap door, and then,
it's awakened the guardian,

now everyone that heard
that chant has to die.

Oh God, this has been
a fucking set-up!

Don't you get it?

Okay, there's a big,
giant armored knight,

a killing machine.

Like Terminator?

Yes, yes exactly.

One or two?

What?

In one, he is the bad guy,

but in two, he's good he goes
save the woman..

Oh! Right! I had enough of this,

bullshit, I am out of here!

Charles!

We've got to stick together..
Rest in pieces Boys..

Shut up!

You're my brother, get back here!

Charles!

Charles!

No, no way! I'm not going back
there to look for a dead man!

Listen to me, we split up,

two teams.

Brian, Wolf Man,
Steve the Queen Magodo,

go back to the cottage
and find the phones.

We're all dead.

We're not going to die.

We're going to get out of here.

Five years ago, we may not have
been the best team in the league,

by God, we're going to get our
butts back to that cottage.

And get the hell out of here.

If any of you,
even think about dying,

I'm going to kill you myself.

You got that?
Yes.

We're going to get out of here.

Just a walk in the park.

Come on.
Yeah!

No!!!!

Jesus!

Roger!
Roger!!!

Roger I'm coming!
Stop! What are you doing!

He died.

Then we die.

The bastards will believe me now.

Hi.

Dessert Eagle.

Nice.

Is that a limited edition?

One of the most,

powerful handguns,

in the world.

Feeling lucky Punk?

Always.

Where's Junior?

Don't worry about him.

He won't be back for
a long time if ever.

Super duper.

I like a strong man.

Just like Daddy.

Okay, so you're more 'Gilf'
than 'Milf'..

Oh what the heck.

Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off!

Rock on, Man.

Rock on.

(Stammering)

Come on.

We didn't find Roger.

But we found David.

What was left of him..
You still think I'm full of shit huh?

God we're so dead.
We're so dead!

No! We are not dead, okay!

We just need to get back to
the cottage.. And what?

Check here, I've got no idea
what the hell is out there.

But what I do know is it's killing us.
So what's the fucking point of going anywhere?

Survival.

Brian.

Can we kill this thing?

Brian.
Can we stop it.

No.

No?

What's this?

I don't know.

I found it in the tomb.

This is the key of Anwin.

We can stop it

How?

We've got to find the tomb.

We've got to put this in
the safe and then,

we have to face the monster and,

release the cauldron at
the same time.

Theory.

Without dying first.

Well I'm cool with that.

Ah yes, very nice yes.

Take it all.

Now get those teeth out Granny.

Oh dear.

Mama always said men were no
damn good.

That was for my whisky.
Go on then!

Let's see what that puppy can do.

Brian.

Look at me, look at me Brian!

No!

Ouch!

We have to go!

We're marked men,
where we go we're dead.

You've got to trust me.

Why?

Don't hit me again.

Cause I need a bath!

And you've got a wedding
to go to.

I don't know about you guys.

But we are ready to get
the hell out of here.

Damn straight, Man.

Alright.
Wolf, Brian, head down the left.

Steve McQueen, Mokoto,
you head down the right.

Blossom will come with me,
down the center. Yeah, thanks.

Any questions?
Why do I get the lady-boy?

Jeez!
What?

Hey.

Because you do, alright.
Now come on, let's split. Yeah.

See you kids back at the ranch.

Come on.

What's it like?

What?

A threesome?

Which one?

Any?

It's like a good night out.

Loads of booze, loads of drugs,
and a good kebab.

A kebab?
Yeah, Man.

You know you don't need it,

but it's that extra touch that
makes it a night to remember.

Especially if you go for
extra chilies.

Yeah, I love chilies.

Any minute now, someone's
going to come along, pick us up,

and take us to the nearest town.

Yeah? We're so far off the beaten
track, we are not even on the map.

Thanks.

You really like that
sushi bar huh?

It's alright.

You know, they are Korean.

Yeah?

Well, that explains it.

Do you really think so?

Trust me, Darling.

You're no competition.

Hey!

There it is.

Oh Wolfie, Wolfie.

We're going to make it home,
we're going to make it!

Wolf.

Wolf?

Wolfie?

What are you doing?

You trust me, yeah?

Yeah.

When I say run, you run.
Okay?

What are you talking about Wolf?

Brenda needs you Brian.

What about you Wolf?

I don't need you.

Okay Brian,

run!

If I have a son, I'll call
him Wolfie. Okay come on!

Come on you big, ugly,
fucking motherfucker fucker!

Mokoto.

Let's see what you've got.

Fuck Man!

Charles. Oh Charles!

Jesus!

William!

Shit!

William?

Is that you?

Where's the cross?

What are you doing?

Huh?

Who was that?

Who's down there?
Who!

Who?

Tell me!

Get your ass down there
before I shoot you.

This leads to the tomb right?
Yes.

The tomb leads to the tunnel?

Let's go.

It's over here.

Where?
Hey Guys..

Lock it, she's behind me!

Who?
Hurry up!

Okay, come on, quick.

Hurry up.
Brian!

Pass me that box.
Great, okay. One more, quick!

Good.
Yeah.

Okay.

Alright, that's not going anywhere.

Wow!

Is this a private party?

Shaun!

Put the cross in the nook.

Quickly!

Brian.

No Shaun, this is my Stag Night.

And he was definitely not invited.

Brian.
What are you doing?

Brian no, Brian!

Stop!

Are you crazy?

Brenda...
Oh Brian,

Brian.

What's supposed to happen?

Try the other one.

Oh my God!

Move away from the cauldron!

Hey Bitch!
Look who's back.

You fight like a girl.

You idiot!

What did you do that for?

Stop! Killing!