Stage Mother (2020) - full transcript

(♪ "Dukes" by Repartee ♪)

♪ Come on over
and we'll settle it right ♪

♪ Put your dukes up
cos I'm ready to fight ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ I'll fight for you ♪

(drag queen 1)
Has anyone seen my push-up bra?

(drag queen 2) Under your wig.

(drag queen 3) You're on
in two minutes, Rickey.

(sniffs)

♪ I'll fight for you ♪

♪ Come on over
and we'll settle it right ♪



♪ Put your dukes up
cos I'm ready to fight ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ I'll fight for you ♪

(drag queen 3)
All right, let's hear it

for the Gruesome Twosome,

or as I affectionately
call them, Dumb and Dumber.

(laughs)
The Diva and Miss Ann Thrope.

Good evening,
ladies and gentleman.

I'm Dusty Muffin.

And I gotta warn you,
this muffin has nuts,

you know,
in case you're allergic.

(laughs)
Welcome to our show,

Leave It, It's Beaver.

Oh, what, honey?
You're straight?



Yeah, guess what?

So is spaghetti
until you get it hot and wet.

- (laughter)
- Sorry.

She got fired from the sperm
bank for drinking on the job!

Rickey Peedia!

(applause)

♪ So if you must go ♪

♪ Darling, I'll set you free ♪

♪ But I know in time ♪

♪ That we'll be together ♪

♪ Now I won't try ♪

♪ To stop you now from leaving ♪

♪ Cos in my heart I know ♪

♪ Love will lead you back ♪

♪ Someday I just know that ♪

♪ Love will lead you back
to my arms ♪

♪ Where you belong ♪

♪ I'm sure... ♪

- (audience muttering)
- Rickey.

Rickey. Rickey!

Oh, God, Rickey!
What did you take, huh?

Breathe, breathe.

- Rickey...
- Come on, baby.

What did you take, huh?

What did you take? Rickey!

♪ One of these days,
our love will lead you back ♪

(woman) All right, ladies
and Henry, from the top.

- (piano chord plays)
- And one and a two and...

(choir) ♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪

♪ I once was lost ♪

♪ But now am found ♪

♪ Was blind ♪

♪ But now I see ♪

All right, well that was
neither amazing nor graceful.

Erna Lee and Imogene,
it's not a competition, ladies.

God can hear you. I assure you.

Thank you, Bevette.

(plays piano chord)

♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the... ♪

(Bevette) Wear the red.

It helps if the choir
can read your lips.

Tone-deaf as they are.

- (phone rings)
- Oh, Bevette!

Well, you let anyone in
who wants to sing,

even if they can't.

It's church, Bevette,

- not a contest.
- (chuckles)

- (man) Phone for you.
- Who is it?

Friend of Rickey's.

Hello?

What? When?

- What did he take?
- What is it, Maybelline?

No! No!

(shouts) No, no, no!

- ♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
- (sobs)

- ♪ This little light of mine ♪
- (woman) Relax.

♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

- ♪ This little light of mine ♪
- (sobs)

♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

- You need to eat something.
- (woman) Hold them up.

(sniffles)

(sighs) Beautiful boy.

It was a long time ago,
Maybelline.

(sniffles)
Did you book the flights?

Funeral's Monday.

We're not going anywhere.
You need to rest your nerves.

Come on, now.

Just a couple of bites.

(door opens)

(Bevette) Anybody home?

In here, Bevette!

- (sighs) Y'all packed?
- Uh-huh.

Thanks again for taking me.

You're wearing that?

- On the plane?
- Yeah.

Well, at least
you'll be comfortable.

Where do you think you're going?

Well, I'll just maybe skedaddle
off to the bathroom.

Let you two
have a little tête-à-tête.

Well?

- You know where I'm going.
- You weren't gonna ask me?

I'll only be gone a few days.
One of us has to go.

Make sure he's put to rest
properly.

He already moved on from us
years ago, by his own choice.

Well, I'm still his mother.

Not anymore.

Bevette! Come on!

Hurry up or I'll miss my flight!

What's the point of
putting yourself through this?

We did it your way
for ten years, Jeb.

You can't punish him anymore.

Now you're just punishing me.

You do what you want.

I'm going to my own son's
funeral!

(baby cries)

♪ Your bones ♪

♪ Your body bereaved ♪

♪ With nomenclature ♪

♪ Like you wanted to be ♪

♪ Framed by nature ♪

♪ Your spirit awaiting ♪

♪ All those remaining ♪

♪ I sing a hymn for him ♪

♪ And with tears in his eyes ♪

♪ He looked to the light
and said ♪

♪ I've lived a good life ♪

♪ Don't you worry ♪

♪ Don't you wait for me ♪

♪ I'll never be dead
Said the book that I read ♪

(applause)

Thank you, Joan.

Rickey would have loved that.

I'm Rickey's drag mother,
Dusty Muffin.

Rickey Metcalf,

or as we know her Rickey Peedia,

was a big fucking,
flaming comet.

(quiet laughter)

More was more
when it came to Rickey.

More laughter, more joy,

more sex, more booze,

more drugs.

And, yes, more mascara.

Ladies and gentlemen,

with a tribute to Rickey,

Rickey's drag sisters
from the Rehab Mission.

♪ How can I live
without your love? ♪

♪ I don't wanna live
without your love ♪

♪ You're bringing ecstasy to me ♪

♪ Touch me now, touch me now ♪

♪ It feels so good,
it feels quite hot ♪

♪ You touch me
when we're dancing ♪

♪ And I love it a lot,
I love it a lot ♪

♪ You're the only man
who makes me weak ♪

♪ You're the only man
who makes me free ♪

♪ Oh, baby, it's so hard ♪

♪ It's so hard ♪

♪ So hard to handle ♪

♪ It feels so good,
it feels quite hot ♪

♪ You touch me
when we're dancing ♪

♪ And I love it a lot,
I love it a lot ♪

♪ You're the only man
who makes me weak ♪

♪ And you're the only man
who makes me free ♪

♪ Oh, baby, it's so hard,
it's so hard ♪

♪ So hard to handle ♪

(gasps)

(sobs)

(sniffles)

(sighs)

♪ Just like me
when I find lipstick on his tie ♪

(phone vibrates)

♪ He says there's no other woman
so it must be a guy ♪

♪ Oh, no... ♪

(vibrates)

♪ Quelle tragedie ♪

♪ Queer things
are happening to me ♪

(sniffles)

(knocking at door)

I'm Rickey's mother.

Wait! Please! Uh...

I was upset yesterday.

Oh, when you stormed out
of your son's funeral?

I don't storm. I flounce.

And I regret it very much.
I apologise.

Well, there's no freshness date
on bullshit.

Whether you believe me or not,
I'm sorry.

But I was expecting a funeral,

not a musical comedy.

It's how he would have
wanted it,

but you wouldn't know that

because you didn't know
your son.

Why are you here, Mrs Metcalf?

Circulating like a vulture
for whatever you can get?

- What?
- Talk to my lawyer.

I'm sorry for your loss.

(baby cries)

- Whoa!
- Oh, shit!

Did I just roll over your foot?

No, I'm fine.

(cries)

You're so delectable.

I'd like to slather you
in batter

and pop you in the roaster.

Yes, I would.

Oh, my God! Are you
Rickey's mom? From Texas?

Maybelline Metcalf.

I'm Sienna Ellison.
Rickey and I were best friends.

This is also Rickey.

Oh.

(Sienna) So, Nathan
wouldn't even let you in?

(Maybelline) He hates me.

(Sienna)
He hates everyone right now.

Just go around! It's a baby.

(coos)

Is Rickey the baby's father?

Oh, God, no. Definitely not.

- Do you know who is?
- Yeah.

Like 90-something per cent.

Listen, the guy left me
for some girl he met

in line for the new iPhone.

So, like, when he was asleep,

I took pictures of his little
tiny dick

and then I posted them
on all of his chat rooms.

He got a restraining order
against me, but it was worth it.

- Oh, my.
- I know.

It's like every break-up.

All that oral sex,
then it's like you're strangers.

It must be hard
raising a child on your own.

Well, I would've never
gotten pregnant

if I knew Rickey was gonna OD

cos Rickey was gonna help me
raise the kid, you know.

Fucker.

Honey, you thought that
drug-addicted drag queen

across the hall would be
the responsible parent?

He had a lot of love.

But you wouldn't know that,
would you?

Rickey used to write,
Christmastimes.

He told me his best friend
was Sienna.

But I thought,

you know I saw all these
pictures of him with his friends

and I just assumed...

- (laughs)
- You know.

You thought I was a drag queen?

Well, yeah.

I mean, San Francisco
is a big melting pot, but...

These shits are real.

This whole nation
is one big melting pot,

but my town seems to be
that big clump of white flour

that just won't melt.

(chuckles) Oh, my God.

Rickey got his sense of humour
from you.

Listen, why don't you come
to my place for dinner tonight?

I'll invite Nathan.
Blindside him.

I can see why you and Rickey
were such good friends.

See how you feel
after you eat my cooking.

- Anything I can bring?
- Low expectations.

(Sienna chuckles)

Are you sure there's nothing
I can do?

- (knocking at door)
- Come in.

What is she doing here?

Don't be mad.
She came all this way.

Oh, I didn't realise
you were such a busybody.

I have nothing to say to her.

OK, so just listen
and stop being such a dick.

OK, sorry. The chicken
was totally overcooked.

Oh, it's Cajun style.

A little blackened
around the edges is all.

Well, dessert will be better.
It's my specialty.

Shall I serve it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

(Sienna) So bitchy.

- Let me help you.
- No, no, no.

You sit down. You're my guest.

(sighs)

I'm not here to fight with you,

but I did know my son
for most of his life.

But you're right.

I didn't know who he became
when he moved here.

I only knew the boy.

You disowned him.

No, I did not.

This... My specialty.

It's my own creation.

I call it Banana Climax.

Delicious.

Mmm, yeah. It doesn't suck.

Thank you. My secret
ingredient is resentment.

And a shit-ton of baby food.

(speaks quietly to Rickey)

I want you to know
I never stopped loving my son.

Would you let me see
where he lived?

Show me your home?

Fine.

What, now?

It's now or never.

Go.

Well... here... we... are.

Those are his things if
you wanna scavenge through them.

There's more in the closet.

You're getting rid of all of it?

- Donating to AIDS hospice.
- You waste no time.

(Nathan) Welcome to
the real world, lady.

I have to move out in a week.

I can't afford this place
on my own.

Move where?

I don't know.
I lived here for two years.

But Rickey lived here for eight,
so the lease was in his name.

And the landlord
wants to jack the rent.

I could fight it, but even if
I did win, I can't afford it.

You know what? Here.

Here.

They won't let me
touch his bank accounts

or the lease or the electric
bill or the phone bill.

Everything is in his name
and I'm not next of kin.

There's no will and
we weren't married

because he wouldn't marry me
until you would be there.

Didn't wanna get married
without his mommy.

That's what he said.

That eventually
you'd come around and...

Here you are,
just a few days too late.

Oh, yeah.

He never stopped loving you,
either.

Even when I begged him to.
There you go.

- What's that?
- The lease, keys, inventory.

Contracts. Rickey owned the bar.

- The bar?
- The club.

The one we managed together.
Pandora's Box.

Oh, my Lord.

My home.

Everything I worked for,
everything I own, all yours.

That's what the lawyer said.

Oh, my Lord.

- I've inherited a gay bar.
- Congratulations.

- Well, I don't want it.
- Well, you've got it!

I got to get ready for work.

Take me with you.
I gotta see it.

Have you ever been to a gay bar?

There's always a first time.

(♪ "Do You Wanna Touch Me"
by Joan Jett ♪)

♪ We've been here too long,
tryin' to get along ♪

Chappy.

♪ Pretendin' that
you're oh so shy ♪

♪ I'm a natural ma'am ♪

Get her a... chardonnay.

♪ My temperature is runnin' high ♪

I'd suggest you mingle,

but I don't think you have much
in common with this crowd.

Not really much of a crowd.

It's a weeknight.

♪ Do you wanna touch? Yeah ♪

♪ Do you wanna touch? Yeah ♪

♪ Do you wanna touch me there,
where? ♪

♪ There? Yeah ♪

♪ There, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Do you, do you wanna touch? ♪

♪ Oh, do you wanna touch? ♪

(Dusty) She doesn't play well
with others,

so she plays with herself!

Thank you, Joan.

Let's hear it for Joan's
choreographer,

Clitoris Leechman.

And now the sluttiest
nanny in history,

Cherry Poppins! (chuckles)

She confided in me recently

that she has a great head
for figures.

No, sweetie, I said
I have quite a figure for head.

- (laughter)
- T-M-I!

And T-M-J. All right.

Up next, our very own talent
scout, Tequila Mockingbird!

(applause)

Like the book.

And last but not least, a gal
who has burned a lot of steaks,

Joan of Arkansas.

Get it? No?

♪ Hey, buds below ♪

♪ Up is where to grow ♪

♪ Up with which below
can't compare with ♪

♪ Hurry ♪

♪ It's lovely up here ♪

You know I love you and Rickey,
but a girl's gotta eat.

You're the only act
they're coming to see.

But that's the problem.

Nobody knows
what's going on with this place.

We've been offered weeknights
at Chandelierium

and I have to take it.

I take it that's not good.

♪ Wake up ♪

♪ Bestir yourself ♪

♪ It's time that you disinter
yourself ♪

Our most popular performer's
just quit.

Business is flatlining.

Maybe cos there was a death
in the club or...

maybe they were just coming
to see Rickey all along.

I never realised
how much he looked like you.

I think you were
his inspiration.

On stage, he was a real bitch.

Did you ever perform here?

Me? (scoffs) No.

A little karaoke sometimes.
I run the business side.

Rickey was creative.

He put everything he had
into this place.

This place is all I have left
of him.

♪ Pollinate the breeze ♪

♪ Make the queen of bees
hot as brandy ♪

I'll have that chandelier.

♪ At least a preview of Easter ♪

♪ Come up and see the hoot
we're giving ♪

♪ Come up and see the grounds
for living ♪

♪ Come poke your head out ♪

♪ Open up and spread out ♪

♪ Hurry, it's lovely ♪

(camera clicks)

♪ Here! ♪

(phone vibrates)

Hello?

Sorry. I didn't know
who else to call.

I don't mind.
Might do me some good.

So, there's breast milk
in the fridge.

All from this one.
This one's on strike.

Lefty needs a massage.

Oh, tell me about it.

Mm, great, I'll call you.

- Bye.
- (door closes)

Hey.

- (Jeb) Hello?
- Jeb, hi.

I thought I'd hear from you
'fore now.

They're keeping me busy,
darlin'.

How was the memorial?

You would have been...
very moved.

I'm gonna stay a little longer.

Would you please put some money
in the joint account?

How much longer?

I don't know. A few days.

Five thousand. Maybe ten?

Five thousand?

Well, there's legal fees and...
and other expenses and whatnot.

(Jeb sighs)

Well, I hope this
doesn't become a habit.

It's not gonna become a habit,
Jeb.

I'm only gonna bury my son
the once.

- Look, for...
- (hangs up)

(sighs)

Please get this
to your landlord.

That should cover your rent
for a couple of months.

(sighs)
I don't wanna take your money.

It's Rickey's money.
I got it from his bank.

I won't see you homeless
on my account.

You expect me to be grateful
for giving me back my own money?

I've also decided
to let the club stay open

for two months as a trial.

Trial for what?

I can't in good conscience
even speak to my husband

about not selling the business
if it's losing money.

And think of it
as Rickey's legacy.

Rickey would want it
to be successful.

No, I'd rather sell the place
than work for you.

Think of us as business partners
and consider Sienna.

I can sleep on her sofa

and take care of baby Rickey
during the day.

That would be amazing.

I'd love that.

What do you know
about running a drag bar?

I'm a Southern Baptist
choir mistress.

Different songs, same divas.

Some of the same wigs, too.

Just take the deal
for the both of us.

That is my bar!

Rickey warned me about you,
but he didn't do you justice.

I'm gonna find out what you're
after, you conniving bitch!

I don't connive.

I scheme. I'm a scheming bitch.

(piano music)

We'll nail it tonight.

Should I tweet our followers

that we have a new
closing number?

Twat away.

Smell her.

And did you get a load
of that accent?

And her name is Maybelline,
for Christ's sake.

I probably would like it better
if it were L'Oréal.

So is Mommie Dearest
gonna be our new boss?

She does own the place now.

Any direction
at this point would be nice.

Uh, Momma Metcalf?

Hey, I'm Dusty.

Or Roger, if you prefer it,
but I prefer Dusty.

I was Rickey's drag mother.

A drag mother shows
a younger queen the ropes.

Teaches her the rules
of etiquette

and helps bring out
the queen from within.

(drag queen)
We're sorry for your loss.

- I'm Eric.
- (Maybelline) Hi, Eric.

I heard you sing at his funeral.
It was beautiful.

Thank you.
It really touched my heart.

- I'm Joan.
- You have a boy name?

Just Joan.

Nice to meet you, Joan.

I'm Cherry.
We all loved Rickey very much.

Um, do we still have jobs?

OK, look,
I'm still in charge here.

Think of Mrs Metcalf
as a silent partner.

Uh, good, cos I don't take
orders from amateurs.

You want direction, Dusty?
I'll give you direction.

Rehearse more.

Pay me more.

Your lip-synching sucks.

You've gotten too lazy to move.

And face the music,
if you can hear the music

t's not like you're packing
them in these days.

Oh, God!

All right, now, look. I don't
wanna speak ill of the dead.

We all loved Rickey,
but let's be honest.

He had not been himself
in a long time

and his fans, our fans,

did not wanna watch their star
burn out.

So, we are without a director,
without a star.

We have to put
a whole new show together,

so if you wanna keep this place
going without him,

you need to pull yourself
together.

If I'm not appreciated,
after all these years...

I quit.

Dusty, wait.

Everyone's upset.

I understand
what it is to be older.

Older?

This place was your baby's
dream. His vision.

Maybe it should die with him.

After practice tomorrow,

you can talk to us
about your ideas, boss.

(snores quietly)

(hairdryer whirs)

(coos)

Hi.

Hm, morning.

I like that lipstick colour.

You know what? I could get you
any shade of lipstick

with my discount.

I know it's a little cliché,
blonde bimbo selling cosmetics,

but it's the only job
I have right now.

It's all commissions.

Listen, I don't know
how long you're staying for,

but I was thinking
200 a week seems fair.

You don't have to pay me.

For rent.

- For a sofa?
- In this neighbourhood,

I could get twice the amount
for a loveseat.

Oh.

Morning, there.
Take a look at this.

Morning!

Tequila.

- Guys.
- (Nathan clears throat)

Mrs Metcalfe, what do you think
you're doing?

This is my idea for a new show.

What, the Southern gospel
drag choir?

The trans-tabernacle?

Hey, keep an open mind.

Sex, drag and rock 'n' roll?
(scoffs) Girl, please!

What is this? Retro night?

I want you all to sing.

Like sing-sing? Really sing?

I've heard y'all humming along
to the music here.

Believe me, I've made
much more with much less.

How did you know that
Rickey had that same exact idea?

I didn't.

The sex part,
is that gonna be real, too? Hm?

(Maybelline) Listen to me.

How many drag shows
are there in San Francisco?

We need to appeal to the masses,

not just some men
in the neighbourhood.

What's wrong with the men
in the neighbourhood?

Millions of tourists come
to San Francisco every year.

We gotta give them something
they won't see at home.

Look,
even if we go with your idea,

and I'm not saying that we are,

how do you propose
we get these tourists in here,

Ms Field of Dreams?

Oh, I love that movie!

I have a plan.

I play piano.

Now, that's what I'm talking
about right there.

(Joan) Can we share?

(music on radio)

Oh, my Lord, Sienna.

Those pants are so tight,
I can see the Promised Land.

Camel toe is so chic right now.

It smells delicious.

(Maybelline)
So, where's he taking you?

I don't know.

His name is Grayson
and he's totally my type.

Scruffy, rugged.

What do you know about this man?

I know he's got a dick and
I haven't been laid in a year.

You're planning to sleep with
this guy on the first date.

Hell, yeah.

Isn't that how you got yourself
into this predicament?

Listen, you are not my mother,
you're my babysitter.

- I can have an opinion.
- Not about my pussy.

- (knocking at door)
- Shit.

One second!

Hi.

(laughter)

Hey, ladies.

Maybelline said to bring dessert
so I come packing fudge.

You waited your whole life
to say that line?

Pretty much.
(chuckles) Hi!

Mwah!

Darlin'.

I'm not saying the place
he brought me wasn't lovely,

but when I asked him
where the bathroom was, he said,

"Take a left at the glory hole.

If you reach the sling,
you've gone too far.

Girl!

(laughter)

Glory hole?

It's like a confession booth.

- Yeah.
- (laughter)

I can't wait until
I'm done with my transition.

Then maybe I'll have better luck
with the straight guys.

Oh, honey, you don't need luck.
You need patience.

I need me some good weaning.

Hey! (chuckles)

- OK.
- (laughter)

Maybelline?

You've been married for a while.
That must feel good.

Well, I guess.

Well, I wanna be married.

(Cherry) Aww!

Well, bitch, stop going for
the closet cases all the time.

- (groans)
- (Cherry chuckles)

Oh, my God!

This is gorgeous. Do you sew?

Oh, you know, I did some fashion
back in my more naive times.

Well, honey, if you can sew,

I need everything
that I own let out.

You're gonna need a lot
of extra fabric with that one.

- (knocking at door)
- (laughter)

So catty.

You tried it.

Are you, uh, ready?

Book club.

- OK.
- (laughter)

And...

♪ Ba ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba ba-ba baa baa ♪

(Maybelline)
Oh, let's try that again.

What you think, little Rickey?
One more time?

♪ Ba ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba ba-ba baa baa ♪

- It's good!
- Oh, yeah!

We got it!

(♪ "Take Your Mama"
by Scissor Sisters ♪)

♪ When you grow up ♪

♪ Livin' like a good boy oughta ♪

♪ And your mama ♪

♪ Takes a shine to her best son ♪

♪ Something different ♪

♪ All the girls,
they seem to like you ♪

♪ Cos you're handsome ♪

♪ Like to talk
and a whole lot of fun ♪

♪ We're gonna
take your mama out all night ♪

♪ Yeah, we'll show her
what it's all about ♪

♪ We'll get her jacked up
on some cheap champagne ♪

♪ We'll let the good times
all roll out ♪

♪ Do it,
take your mama out all night ♪

♪ You can stay up late cos,
baby, you're a full-grown man ♪

- Should we try again?
- (all) Yeah.

All right.

(all harmonise)

(they harmonise)

Damn! We good!

(laughter)

(sniffs)

(sighs)

I can't tell what's vomit
and what's baby food anymore.

Do all of those boys
at the club...?

Do I call 'em boys or girls?

It's kind of
a time-of-day issue.

Do all those girls at the club
do drugs?

And was Rickey always high?

I mean, Rickey drank and
partied too much. We all did.

But we're not junkies.

People go to night clubs
to lose themselves.

You might see something
you don't wanna see.

I can handle a gay bar.

All my life I've watched rodeos
and livestock shows,

so a gay bar's nothing.

I wanna buy
some of that lipstick.

- Oh. OK.
- (chuckles)

The way the gilt's coming...

No. No, no, no, no.
Stop.

Stop, stop, stop. It's over.

- Give me that.
- What? What? Hey!

Give me the fucking brush, Bear!

- What?
- You keep changing everything.

Every time you hang a curtain

or throw away old things
for new things,

it's like... he's more gone.

- It's stupid!
- Hey, stop!

Wait right there.
I wanna show you something.

Look at this, Nathan.

It's Rickey. I don't think
you've seen that before.

In his room.
He was a teenager then.

He was getting moody, throwing
hissy fits with his daddy and...

To cheer him up, I-I told him
he could paint his room

any colour he wanted and...

And so I thought we'd paint
the walls his favourite colour

and with your permission,

we could hang
that photo on the wall, so...

he would never miss a show.

(sobs)

- Can I help you?
- Thank you. Yes. Um...

I was wondering
if you would be, uh, willing

to spread the word about
a terrific show at our club,

Pandora's Box.

It's quite unique.

That's a drag bar, right?

Well, we have
gender illusionists.

No, thanks.
We're not interested.

Oh. Well, could I give you
some flyers?

There's no soliciting.

- Oh.
- Thanks.

OK. Thank you.

Oh!

(sighs) I'm so sorry.

- (man) It's not a problem.
- This is very kind of you.

It's the only way to get my
flyers distributed

in your hotel.

- You're from Texas.
- You got it.

Small town called Red Vine.

I spent some summers
in Savage Springs as a boy,

a couple of hours from there.

Head concierge.

August.

How do you do?
I'm Maybelline Metcalf.

You work at a drag club?

Well, actually, I own it.
It's a long story.

Well, I'd be interested
in hearing that story sometime.

Is the show any good?

We're always looking for
things to recommend.

Oh, well, why don't you
come judge for yourself?

A week from Saturday we're
putting on a brand-new show.

I'll put you on the guest list.

Not my typical Saturday night,
but...

Sounds fun. Sure.

- Why not?
- Great!

- Thanks again.
- Bye.

(overlapping chatter)

Wow, this place looks amazing,
Maybelline.

You really do have Rickey's eye.

Or he had mine.

Well, hello, Daddy.

(piano music starts)

♪ That's him
at the other end of the bar ♪

♪ The best to come in in a while ♪

♪ Not exactly the type
to show all of his cards ♪

♪ But I think I just spotted
a smile ♪

♪ Now, I fully intend
to find that one man to spend ♪

♪ All my ever afters with ♪

♪ But I've been looking so long ♪

♪ And so far so wrong ♪

♪ Something's got to give ♪

♪ He ain't Mr Right,
but he's Mr Right Now ♪

♪ We all got to get through
the night somehow ♪

♪ He ain't Mr Right,
but he's Mr Right Now ♪

♪ I promised myself
when I walked through the door ♪

♪ I swore I would try to refrain ♪

♪ But I can't leave my life
on hold anymore ♪

♪ Just waiting for my luck
to change ♪

♪ A little more drinking
and a little less thinking ♪

♪ I sure could like what I see ♪

♪ I had paid my dues
with those last cold blues ♪

♪ You know this one
is leaving with me ♪

♪ He ain't Mr Right,
but he's Mr Right Now ♪

♪ Well, we all got to get
through the night somehow ♪

♪ He ain't Mr Right ♪

♪ But he's Mr Right Now ♪

♪ Well, he might do me right ♪

♪ And he might do me wrong ♪

♪ But as long as he'll do me ♪

♪ We'll keep going on ♪

♪ Well, he's old and he's short
and he's bald and he's fat ♪

♪ But at ten after two,
ooh, I like it like that ♪

♪ Well, he ain't Mr Right ♪

♪ Well, he's my Mr Not Quite ♪

♪ Well, he isn't exactly
the genius I planned ♪

♪ But he sits and he begs ♪

♪ And he barks like a man ♪

♪ He ain't Mr Right, wow, wow ♪

♪ He's my Mr Not Quite ♪

♪ And I don't give a damn
'bout those cards that he stole ♪

♪ I'm just thrilled
and delighted ♪

♪ He's out on parole ♪

♪ Well, he ain't Mr Right ♪

♪ He's my Mr Tonight ♪

♪ Well, he ain't Mr Right ♪

♪ But he's Mr Right Now ♪

(cheering)

(plays piano)

(indistinct chatter)

Well?

He's gonna get his hotel
to officially recommend the show

to all the guests.

- Bye!
- (Nathan) Wow!

He must have really liked
the show.

(singsong)
It's not all he liked!

Oh, stop. I'm a married woman.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I'd like to go through
all your closets,

but I also think we should
make something new, you know.

Debut something original.

Off the rack in size 18
ain't exactly couture.

Ma'am, it's not polite to stare.

Hm. It's all right.

It's my mother.

(gasps)

Well,
let's get this party started!

Oh, Lord!

(phone vibrates)

Is that your husband?

You're gonna
have to talk to him sometime.

I know, but not tonight.

I don't feel like holding up
both ends of the conversation.

OK. This?

Hey, where's Joan tonight?

Joan's not feeling
her best tonight.

Oh. Poor thing.

Yeah.

Now, let's see if we can
get you some action tonight.

Hey, it's a business dinner.

- This one's good, huh?
- Oh, I don't think so. Not red.

If it looks good on me,
it could look good on you, huh?

(laughter)

(piano music playing)

I like this music.

You should hear it on vinyl.

- Vinyl? You're old school.
- (chuckles)

Every Saturday, I go to this
great vinyl record store

in Haight-Ashbury and
treat myself to a new treasure.

You were one of the cool guys
in high school, weren't you?

And you were that beautiful girl

too busy cheering the
football team to notice me.

Do you mind if we make a couple
of quick stops on the way?

- Hi, Joan.
- Maybelline.

I heard you were sick,

so I brought you some soup
from the Whole Foods.

It cost a month's rent,
so it must be good.

Thank you. You...

- You look like a drag queen.
- (chuckles)

May I come in for a minute?

August is waiting outside.
It won't take long.

Sorry. The place is a mess.

I'm an even bigger mess.

Don't worry.

Where I come from,

people leave their old sofas
on the porch.

Joan, I'm worried about you.

Maybe you don't think
you have a problem,

but from what I hear,

Rickey thought he didn't
have a problem, either.

Rickey and I were a lot alike.

We used to... (chuckles)

...blow sailors together
back in the day.

You can't shock me, Joan.
Not anymore.

Maybe I'll stop.

It's just that it makes shit
so much easier to handle.

Tell me what's so hard.

I don't know.

I mean, I haven't had
a relationship in six years.

It's not for a lack of
meeting people.

It's just that the more that
I hook up, the lonelier I feel.

I don't wanna lose you, Joan.
Not like we lost Rickey.

Besides, you're much prettier

when you're not using
that stuff.

Well, me and Rickey
are Dusty's drag daughters.

She's been sober forever.

She was always trying to get
me and Rickey

to go to meetings with her.

You two should have
a girls' night out.

Dusty's not really
talking to any of us now.

(sighs) No.

That was Rickey's.

Nathan wanted me to have it
cos I was Rickey's sister.

He called it the Maybelline.

Can you give me everything
you have in this apartment?

- I mean, all the drugs.
- Maybelline...

Nobody intervened for my son.

I'm intervening for you.

Is that all of it?

That's what I've got.

(engine idles)

(chatter)

I would have.

Would have what?

Noticed you in high school.

(chuckles)

(August) I moved out here
the day after graduation.

I was a hippie.

I came here for the free love.

(chuckles)

Only thing about me
that didn't get old

is my love for this place.

The bay. The hills.

The fighting spirit.

My favourite city in the world.

I always feel lucky to be here.

Especially tonight.

Are you sure you don't want me
to take you home?

No, I'm fine.

- I'll wait for you.
- No, no.

But that was the most
wonderful evening I've had

in I can't remember when.

Thank you.

Night.

I was wondering,
if you don't mind,

may I sit with you tonight?

(Joan sighs)

(bottles clink)

Hi.

Ooh, someone got lucky
last night.

Yeah.
I got very lucky last night.

(laughs)

What is it, Cherry?

I was turned down
for surgery again.

Oh, I'm sorry. How come?

Cos I haven't told my wife.

Is your wife...
visually impaired?

I haven't seen my wife
in five or six years or so.

Oh.

I need a divorce.

That's...
That's just the simple way.

She won't give you a divorce?

I haven't asked.

- She doesn't know.
- You should tell her in person.

You shouldn't let
a dead marriage hold you back.

I already hurt her so much.

If I were her, I'd want to know.

It might help her to see
what you've been through.

You think?

If you like, I could go with you
for moral support.

Yeah.

I shouldn't go alone.

I'm still wearing her weave.

(piano music)

♪ If I could,
I would give you a world ♪

♪ Where everyone knew
you were magic, darling ♪

- (stops playing)
- Don't stop.

I wrote it for Rickey.

You write songs?

It's been a while.

It's how we met.

Will you play it for me, please?

(clears throat)

♪ If I could,
I would give you a world ♪

♪ Where everyone knew
you were magic, darling ♪

♪ But the world's
a hell of a mess ♪

♪ And people are so slow
to learn ♪

♪ So listen, baby ♪

♪ I will love you rich or poor ♪

♪ And for your love
I'd throw the war ♪

♪ Your sorrow ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

♪ My love I'll never compromise ♪

♪ I see the stars
within your eyes ♪

♪ And when I'm dancing with you ♪

♪ I will love you rich or poor ♪

♪ And for your love
I'd throw the war ♪

♪ Your sorrow ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

♪ My love I'll never compromise ♪

♪ I see the stars
within your eyes ♪

♪ And when I'm dancing with you ♪

♪ Beautiful, beautiful to me ♪

♪ Beautiful, beautiful to me ♪

♪ Beautiful, beautiful to me ♪

(cheering)

Whoo!

(thudding)

(Sienna) Ow.

(thudding)

(indistinct chatter)

(Sienna) Please, stop.

(heavy slap)

(Sienna sobs)

(Sienna) I said no!

(thudding)

(Sienna) Don't. (gasps)

(coughing)

- Hey!
- Who the fuck are you?

Don't fucking wave
that thing at me.

Oh, I don't wave. I aim.

Why don't you turn around and
leave the same way you came in?

(shouts) Shut up! Let her go!

Let her go!

(Rickey cries)

Now, when I say,

you're gonna go out that door
and never come back.

And if I hear you
so much as text Sienna,

I'm going straight to the police
to file charges

and I'm going to your boss

to tell her about your
previous problems with the law.

So, what?
You're gonna fucking kill me?

Over a couple slaps?

No, I'd kill you because
dropping a woman beater

is on my bucket list!

Now, get your ass out of here
before I put another hole in it.

(whispers) Jesus fuck!

Frozen peas works best.

Not too much pressure
on the eye.

Do you wanna go to the police?

I already have one restraining
order. I don't want another.

They'd take his side anyway.

How did you know he had
a previous brush with the law?

I didn't. Just guessed.

Would you stay in here
with me tonight?

Sure.

He said that he liked it rough.

And I said OK.

But I didn't like it.

And then he got mad.

(sobs) I'm such a mess.

When a man says
he likes it rough...

kick him in the balls
and see if it's true.

(Sienna chuckles)

(Rickey coos)

Good morning.

Good morning.

How's my boy? How's my Rickey?

Hey?

(cash register rings)

(woman) What can I get you?

Please... Please sit down.

Just for a minute.

I'm Maybelline Metcalf.

I work with your son, Eric.

What do you want?

I want you to come see our show,
as a guest.

Please, don't.

I understand
what you're going through.

My son, Rickey...

He did not turn out
like I thought he would.

Like I wanted.

And when things got tough,
I chose not to see him,

for many years,
because I wanted him to change.

And I never did see him again.

He died.

And he left me that night club.

And that's how I know your son.

And Eric is a fine young man.

You raised Eric
to be sweet and kind and...

He doesn't hurt anybody.

I would give...

anything to see my son again.

Just once.

I don't want you to feel
that same way someday.

What can I get you?

Oh.

How's the chicken club?

- Very good.
- OK.

Thank you.

Hey, May.

Oh, hi. Good to see you again.

Say, what do you think about
free drinks

for all the girls tonight?

- There go your profits.
- Oh, well. (chuckles)

Listen, can you make sure all
the mics are working tonight?

Yeah. I'll triple-check,
Maybelline.

How y'all doing?

(whispers) Um, jittery.

I'm stone-cold sober.
I'm just nervous.

Well, aren't we lucky to care
about something enough

to be nervous about it?

Channel those nerves
and you'll be great.

- OK?
- OK.

- See ya.
- Bye.

(Maybelline) Bye.

(music starts)

(cheering)

(laughter)

(cheering)

In here, Jeb.

What the hell is going on here,
Maybelline?

This was Rickey's club.

Yeah, so I gather.

Who'd you talk to?

A lawyer.

Certainly not you.

Well, it's been overwhelming.

We inherited a gay bar.
You forgot to tell me?

I didn't think
you'd be interested.

I'm interested in selling it
and going home with my wife.

(Maybelline)
The show's just opened.

It's too soon to tell
whether tonight's full house

will translate into more
full houses.

I can't leave now, not when
it's just turning a profit.

(Jeb) It's been weeks.

Our house is empty.

Dead quiet.

Well, play some Johnny Cash.

(snorts)

I love you.

OK.

I'll come back with you
on one condition.

We givethis place to Nathan,
our son-in-law.

Don't call him our son-in-law.

No!

That's my condition.

Maybelline, this place
is worth something to us.

Thousands in stuff
we can sell off.

This is significant.

It's not ours, Jeb.

Rickey wouldn't want us
to have this place.

You don't deserve this place.

Wedon't deserve this place.

(Jeb) I have to get back
at work tomorrow.

(Maybelline)
I need more time here, Jeb.

You're pushing it.

Sienna has to find day care.

The show needs a new director.

Don't piss on my leg
and tell me it's raining.

What are you doing
with these people?

I'll send your sister up
to help you.

Maybe she can talk
some sense into you.

This is very kind of you
to go pick up my sister.

So, uh...

if Bevette doesn't see me,
what does she look like?

Just look for the woman with
a pained expression on her face

as if life isn't worth living.

That's her?

No. That'll be the woman who
sat next to her on the plane.

She can point her out to you.

(piano music)

- ♪ Meeting Mr Right ♪
- (cheering)

♪ The man of my dreams ♪

♪ The one who showed me
true love ♪

♪ Or at least it seemed... ♪

(Bevette) Well, you know that
trampy old Imogene Breining?

She's still carrying on
with Jake the Snake Riordan.

- Oh.
- And him not even divorced yet.

Imogene.
Who would have thought it?

Butter wouldn't melt.

She tried to buy his kids' love

with all them
Harry Potter books.

- Hm?
- Didn't work.

They'd already seen the movies.

My friend, Cherry Poppins,
has a joke in her act

where she bends over
and she says,

"Oops! I hope you didn't see
my Harry Potter!"

(cackles)

You're gonna crack your mask.

♪ I just cannot hide it ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

(cheering)

♪ Finally it happened to me ♪

♪ Right in front of my face ♪

♪ My feelings can't describe it ♪

♪ Finally it happened to me ♪

♪ Right in front of my face ♪

♪ And I just cannot hide it ♪

(cheering)

(Maybelline)
The crowds are good.

The girls are making money.

I swear I even saw Nathan
smile once.

Word is you put on
a good drag show.

Not me.

The girls put on the drag show.

I just taught 'em three-part
harmony.

Please. Those three
couldn't stuff a bra with socks.

Actually, I've seen 'em do that.

Oh, well, then I suppose
it's good that I walked away

and allowed them to blossom.

They need their mother back,
Dusty.

But they have you.

- I could never take your place.
- Hmm.

All they ever talk about is you.

"Oh, these curtains
are so Dusty.

Oh, these glasses are so Dusty."

(chuckles)

They miss their stage mother.

I'm going back to Texas,
to church, to Jeb.

That's my world.

Come back to yours.

Are you sure about this?

Maybelline, shake a leg.

I don't wanna be driving through
the Tenderloin in the dark.

I'm sorry about her.

Every family has a relative
who stabbed Grandma

with a butter knife.

Or dynamited
a perfectly good barn.

(sighs)

(singsong) There is Nanny. Look!

- Baby Rickey!
- Yes.

Oh, you are so light,
aren't you?

Hi, Dusty.

Hey. It's Auntie Dusty.

(chuckles)

(Dusty) How are you?
Yes, it's pretty over there.

Take a look. It's magic.

(Maybelline) Oh! Bye!

What are we gonna do
without our mamma?

I'm gonna miss y'all so much.

Hm. You're gonna make
my mascara run.

Oh, stop.

No one wants you to go,
Maybelline.

Well, this ain't my life.
It was Rickey's and yours.

I think it's for the best.

A little going-away present.

Rickey used to get me
to tape his performances,

so he could watch them back
and get better.

Now you can see how he was.

- Oh.
- Dramatic and beautiful.

Messy.

- Just like you.
- Oh!

- Oh, thank you so much.
- (screaming)

- Oh, my!
- What?

I just saw the general
and two colonels.

For the first time, apparently.

First time in the ladies' room.

Cherry, this is my sister,
Bevette.

Right. I thought she was
one of the new drag queens.

Bevette... Mwah.

This is my darlin' friend,
Cherry.

Oh, the one with the
"Harry Potter".

Well, it ain't that Harry.

(laughter)

Bevette, why don't you wait
outside in the lobby?

I'll just be a minute.

Nathan, I've got a going-away
present for you, too.

This is all yours now.

The club.

- You're the sole owner.
- (gasps)

What about your husband?

Well, that was my condition
for going back to Texas.

All you gotta do is sign
the papers.

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

Thank you, Maybelline.
Thank you.

And I'll only take 20 percent.

(laughter)

Of course.

♪ Sayin' goodbye ♪

♪ Is never an easy thing ♪

♪ But you never said ♪

♪ That you'd stay forever ♪

♪ So if you must go ♪

♪ Oh, darlin', I set you free ♪

♪ But I know in time ♪

♪ That we'll be together ♪

♪ I won't try
to stop you now from leaving ♪

♪ Cos in my heart ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ Love will lead you back ♪

♪ Someday I just know that ♪

♪ Love will lead you back
to my arms ♪

♪ Where you belong ♪

♪ I'm sure ♪

♪ Sure as stars are shining ♪

♪ One day you will find me again ♪

♪ It won't be long ♪

♪ One of these days, our love ♪

♪ Will lead you back ♪

♪ Ooh-oh ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ahh... ♪

Maybelline!
I heard you were back.

So happy to see you.

Thank you, Imogene.
It's nice to be back.

What were you doing out there
all that time?

Rickey had a business out West.

Maybelline went up
and oversaw the whole thing.

(Imogene)
What kind of a business?

It was a restaurant.

Bar.

♪ I won't try
to stop you now from leaving ♪

♪ Cos in my heart ♪

♪ I know-ow-ow ♪

♪ Love will lead you back ♪

♪ Someday I just know that ♪

♪ Love will lead you back
to my arms ♪

♪ Where you belong ♪

♪ I'm sure ♪

♪ Sure as stars are shining ♪

♪ One day you will find me again ♪

♪ I won't be long... ♪

Oh!

♪ One of these days our love ♪

♪ Will you lead you back ♪

♪ Where you belong ♪

♪ I'm sure ♪

♪ Sure as stars are shining ♪

♪ One day you will find me again ♪

♪ It won't be long ♪

♪ One of these days,
our love will lead you ♪

♪ Back ♪

(cheering)

(piano music)

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then,
I get a little bit lonely ♪

♪ And you're never coming round ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then,
I get a little bit tired ♪

♪ Of listening to the sound
of my tears ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then,
I get a little bit nervous ♪

♪ That the best of
all the years... ♪

(video stops)

Jeb! I was watching that.

Watching all that's
not gonna bring him back.

I know how much you miss him.

Missed him myself for 20 years.

(Maybelline)
That was your choice.

He was always the same,
even when he was a little boy.

You just didn't wanna see it.

Bevette and me
are your family now.

We're gonna have
to be enough for each other.

Takes more than a ring
to be a family, Jeb.

Takes guts.

You're still ashamed
of your own son.

- Even now.
- He was a mamma's boy.

Hiding behind your skirts
and you let him!

You didn't have the guts
to love your own son

cos you were afraid
what other people would think.

Well, let me tell you somethin',
Jeb.

You can't make chicken salad
out of chicken shit!

I never understood him.

You loved him enough
for both of us.

Turned out just like you.

Thank you.

I was afraid, too, Jeb.

Of you, him.

Everyone. God.

But I'm not afraid anymore.

I'm not lookin' at our son
through your frightened eyes.

Our boy was a star.

That's what he got from me.

(door opens and closes)

Oh, hell, Maybelline.
You were a lot happier up there.

Even I could see that.

(sighs) Here.

A couple of thousand
to help see you through.

- (chuckles)
- Oh, Bevette!

(music playing)

Hi.

Hey.

May.

What are you doing here?

This is the only record store
in the neighbourhood

and it's a Saturday, so...

I'm sorry I didn't tell you
everything about myself.

So... how are you?

You look great.

Thanks. I'm good.

I'm back in town.

But everything's up in the air
for me right now.

Well...
I'm not afraid of heights.

So...

What are you doing tonight?

Funny you should ask.

(cheering)

OK. All right.

Settle down, queens!

You look gorgeous tonight, girl.

Did you get all dressed up
for us or is this for a man?

These days, all my men
are wearing diapers and dresses.

That's all I need.

All right, bitches, get dressed!

Oh, my God!

You are a genius! (chuckles)

You ready, honey?

(sighs) I don't know.

Oh!

One ain't gonna kill ya.

(applause and cheering)

Tonight, making her
Pandora's Box debut

is my partner.

- I call her Mom.
- (audience) Aww!

She's someone with a real name
that a drag queen would kill for

singing a tribute
to our beloved Rickey Peedia.

Ms Maybelline Metcalf!

(cheering)

(piano music starts)

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then,
I get a little bit lonely ♪

♪ And you're never coming round ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then,
I get a little bit tired ♪

♪ Of listening to the sound
of my tears ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then,
I get a little bit nervous ♪

♪ That the best of all the years
have gone by ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then,
I get a little bit terrified ♪

♪ And then I see the look
in your eyes ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Bright eyes ♪

♪ Every now and then
I fall apart ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Bright eyes ♪

♪ Every now and then
I fall apart ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then ♪

- ♪ I get a little bit restless ♪
- (cheering)

♪ And I dream of something wild ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then,
I get a little bit helpless ♪

♪ And I'm lying like a child
in your arms ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then,
I get a little bit angry ♪

♪ And I know I gotta
get out and cry ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then,
I get a little bit terrified ♪

♪ And then I see the look
in your eyes ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Bright eyes ♪

♪ Every now and then
I fall apart ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Bright eyes ♪

♪ Every now and then
I fall apart ♪

♪ And I need you now tonight ♪

♪ And I need you more than ever ♪

♪ And if you only hold me tight ♪

♪ We'll be holding on forever ♪

♪ And we'll only be
making it right ♪

♪ Cos we'll never be wrong ♪

♪ Together we can take it
to the end of the line ♪

♪ Your love is like a shadow
on me all of the time ♪

♪ All of the time ♪

♪ I don't know what to do ♪

♪ I'm always in the dark ♪

♪ We're living in a powder keg
and giving off sparks ♪

- (cheering)
- ♪ I really need you tonight ♪

♪ Forever's gonna start tonight ♪

♪ Forever's gonna start tonight ♪

♪ Once upon a time
I was falling in love ♪

♪ Now I'm only falling apart ♪

♪ Nothing I can do ♪

♪ A total eclipse of the heart ♪

(cheering)

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Bright eyes ♪

♪ Every now and then
I fall apart ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Bright eyes ♪

♪ Every now and then
I fall apart ♪

♪ And I need you now tonight ♪

♪ And I need you more than ever ♪

♪ And if you only hold me tight ♪

♪ We'll be holding on forever ♪

♪ And we'll only be
making it right ♪

♪ Cos we'll never be wrong ♪

♪ Together we can take it
to the end of the line ♪

♪ Your love is like a shadow
on me all of the time ♪

♪ All of the time ♪

♪ I don't know what to do ♪

♪ I'm always in the dark ♪

♪ We're living in a powder keg
and giving off sparks ♪

(cheering)

♪ We got married in the spring ♪

♪ To prove it,
here's my wedding ring ♪

♪ I always think of
my blushing groom ♪

♪ Whenever I see
the pansies bloom ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Say it cannot be ♪

♪ Queer things
are happening to me ♪

♪ A groom should bring
his bride some joy ♪

♪ A boy's supposed to be a boy ♪

♪ I told him about
the birds and bees ♪

♪ But he still wears those
pink chemise ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Say it cannot be ♪

♪ Queer things
are happening to me ♪

♪ His hair is curly as can be ♪

♪ He uses curlers just like me ♪

♪ When I find lipstick
on his tie ♪

♪ He says there's no other woman
so it must be a guy ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Quelle tragedie ♪

♪ Queer things
are happening to me ♪

♪ He's so big and he's so strong ♪

♪ I can't figure out
where he went wrong ♪

♪ Must have got caught
right in between ♪

♪ His name is Chris,
it ought to be Christine ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Say it cannot be ♪

♪ Queer things
are happening to me ♪

(castanets click)

♪ He's never been to gay Paris ♪

♪ But he is gay as he can be ♪

♪ His friends are sweet,
they're the queerest band ♪

♪ They're turning my home
into a fairyland ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Oh, what a tragedy ♪

♪ Queer things
are happening to me ♪

♪ We went one night
to a masquerade ♪

♪ And I dressed up
like a parlour maid ♪

♪ Everyone knew it was me
right away ♪

♪ But no one knew
he was the Queen of the May ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Woodman spare that tree ♪

♪ Queer things
are happening to me ♪

♪ Whenever when we go out
to dine ♪

♪ I buy him pheasant
and apricot wine ♪

♪ But he says,
"No, what can I do?" ♪

♪ He doesn't want to try
anything that's new ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Maron ♪

♪ Say it cannot be ♪

♪ Queer things
are happening to me ♪

♪ While I was walking
down the aisle ♪

♪ His friends
all stood around and smiled ♪

♪ I found out why
and it hurts my pride ♪

♪ They knew he liked the
best man better than the bride ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ No, it cannot be ♪

♪ Queer things
are happening to me ♪

(castanets click)

♪ We have decided it cannot be ♪

♪ I'm not for him
and he's not for me ♪

♪ He can do what he wants
and I'll do what I can ♪

♪ But the both of us ♪

♪ Have got to get a man ♪

♪ Cos you're worth fighting for ♪

♪ C'mon over
and we'll settle it right ♪

♪ Put your dukes up
cos I'm ready to fight ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ I'll fight for you ♪

♪ Don't want the pain
but I'll take it in stride ♪

♪ Put your dukes up
cos I'm ready to fight ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ I'll fight for you ♪

♪ If I turn away now ♪

♪ Do I lose this battle? ♪

♪ Will you stay around
if I back down? ♪

♪ If I back down? ♪

♪ Or do you wanna fair fight? ♪

♪ Because I'm your equal? ♪

♪ You wanna get in my mind ♪

♪ Know what I'm like, oh ♪

♪ I wanted to embrace this ♪

♪ Boring lack of conflict ♪

♪ But that was all before ♪

♪ C'mon over
and we'll settle it right ♪

♪ Put your dukes up
cos I'm ready to fight ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ I'll fight for you ♪

♪ Don't want the pain
but I'll take it in stride ♪

♪ Put your dukes up
cos I'm ready to fight ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ I'll fight for you ♪

♪ C'mon over
and we'll settle it right ♪

♪ Put your dukes up
cos I'm ready to fight ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ I'll fight for you ♪

♪ Don't want the pain
but I'll take it in stride ♪

♪ Put your dukes up... ♪