St Trinian's 2: The Legend of Fritton's Gold (2009) - full transcript

(skateboard clatters, wheels grinding)

? ?

(classical music intro, ?)

? ?

? ?

(title music, ?)

(music swells, ?)

(wind gusts, waves crashing)

(wood creaking)

(ominous music, ?)

(man yells)



(sailors singing) 15 men
on a dead man's chest ?

(all laughing,
chortling) Yo-ho-ho! Ah!

(man yells) Starboard!
(grunting, rustling)

Hello boys!

Shiver me timbers!

It's Captain Fritton!
(men gasp and yell)

(maniacal laughter)

? ?

(gasps) Not... the
fearsome Captain Fritton?

Ha! Is that what they
say about me these days?

How delightful! (chuckles heartily)

Not the Captain Fritton
that robbed a thousand ships

(Captain) and turned the black sea red?

(Captain) Yeah, yeah, yeah.



That Fritton...

You don't want to believe everything
you read on the Wanted poster.

(gulp)

Now look here, chaps.
I'm in an awful hurry.

Where's Lord Pomfrey?

(curtains rustle dramatically)

Aaah. What an honor.

The famous Captain Fritton
aboard my humble vessel.

(chortles) Lord Pomfrey!

I've heard so much about you.

Oh, well... likewise.

I say, golly gosh. (laughs)

This looks like, uh, the real thing.

This isn't just treasure, Fritton.

Really? It looks like treasure to me.

This is the solution
to the greatest threat

mankind has ever known.

(chuckles) Which is?

There is a wench...

...on the throne of England.

There's nothing wrong with the Queen.

There is everything wrong
with men taking orders

from the weaker sex!
(yells, metal clanks)

Besides, I rather enjoy a woman on top.

You won't get away with this, Fritton!

I don't see why not.

After all, with this haul I
can retire, put my feet up.

(chortles) Hmm. Write my memoirs.

I'd start writing quickly if I were you.

Because we will hunt you down
like the scurvy dog you are!

Whether it takes two
years... Twenty years...

Or four hundred and twenty years!

(chair rattling, yells)

(? Kaiser Chiefs: I Predict A Riot)

(engine revs)

(engine hums past)

(beep, beep, beep)

(sirens wailing)

?I predict a riot I predict a riot ?

Okay, Tania! Into fifth!

(engine revs)

? (both) Woooo!

? ?

(music cuts abruptly)

Why did you stop?

We're out of our jurisdiction.

(birds chirping)

- Two eleven to control. Over.
-

They're back.

(song fades back in, ?)

(girls whooping, hollering)

(horn honks)

(brakes squeal, man shrieks, grunts)

(girl) (girl 2)

(brakes hiss)

? I predict a riot

? I predict a riot

(song fades)

Hey! Roxy. Promise you'll write me?

(scoffs)

(stammers) Love you babe.

Whatever.

(in tandem) Oh. My. God.

So, what's he like? Grazia
said he was totally wild.

- Is he wild?
- You just need to know

how to tame him! (girls coo)

So have you, you know...?

What goes on tour, stays on tour.

- That means she did it.
- That means she did!

(girls shriek, giggle)

- Namaste!
- You look well.

- Nice holiday?
- Well thanks, love.

I've just been away to India.
Me mate Becca is getting married!

- A hen do?

No, she's Church of England, I think.

(indistinct voice)

(distant chatter, girls clamoring about)

(door slams)

(silly chortling)

Ah, Annabelle.

I expect you know why
you've been summoned.

No, Auntie.

Sorry, Miss.

Some women, Annabelle, are born great.

Cleopatra... The Queen...

Me. (shuffling papers)

Some become great like Mother Teresa,

or Lady Gaga.

Others, have greatness thrust upon them.

Like Monica Lewinsky.

You were born into the third category.

I'm afraid I don't quite understand.

I'm making you Head Girl.

Crikey!

Former Head Girls have
achieved levels of notoriety

that mere mortals can only dream of.

Here is a missive from your predecessor.

The infamous Kelly Jones. (giggles)

(bustling, chatter)

(Kelly) I think I meant
to pass on some advice.

But what can I say about
a school with no rules?

Remember, if there's one thing
about St. Trinian's girls,

they can smell fear.

(growling, hissing)

But, like all predators
who hunt in packs...

...they want a leader.

Now that's got to be you, kiddo.

If you want me, call me. Kelly.

(girl grunting in effort)

Amy. Amy? Amy...

Tabitha, when you lift heavy objects,
always keep your back straight!

(gasps, swoosh)

(loud crashing bang)

? ?

Oh, don't mind them.
It's just the Flammables.

(swooshing, burning)

Why are they called the Flammables?

Have you seen all that polyester?

Last year one of them took up smoking

and half the school burnt down.

(giggling)

Oh. ? ?

Two words...

...don't get caught.

Next.

? ?

Where do I sling my stuff?

Well, we could make
some room in our area.

I suppose...
- Yeah! You could

so totally hang out with us!

I mean... (stammers)
You know, if you wanted.

Whatever.
- Does she look like

she'd want to hang out with
a bunch of shallow, vacant...

(both, over) facile, corrupt
peroxide-blonde turbo-skanks?

You think she'd rather
hang with you and the sulky,

sun-dodging Emos? (girls chortle)

Yeah, I'd rather have
a midnight algebra feast

with the Geeks.

(scoffs) Like we'd do that!

Yeah! It was actually trigonometry.

And that's why Lucy
will always be a virgin.

(all) Awww.

What? As opposed to a
brainless slapper, you mean?

Seriously! She'd snog a melon
if you drew a mouth on it.

(girls saying "Oh!")

That's not fair!

It was a grapefruit, actually.
Ok? And it was years ago.

That was a secret!

Well I suppose she can try saving
the world with the Eco Freakos.

(whispering) Ecos Freakos.

Hey!

Maybe we should let
Roxy decide for herself

who she wants to hang around with.

Yeah?

Listen... I'm not planning
on sticking around for long.

(in tandem) Well, what do you mean?

Me and schools don't mix.

So if it's all the same, I think
I'll just find me own space. Cheers.

She ain't all that anyway.

? ? Whatever.

(sighs)

(cork squeaking)

Matey. (cork squeaks)

Camil.

(sighs) Ho, ho, ho.

(whap)

If you don't mind me saying,
you're still angry, aren't you?

Angry, Fi? No, no, no, no.

I'm not angry, I'm just, uh...

...very, very...

...very... (woosh, thwack)

(angelic singing, ?)

...disappointed.

(overlapping chatter) Next!

(girls yelling, playing)

(singing, ?) Hi guys!

(music, singing) Hi guys!

Hi guys!

(weakly) Hi guys..

(yelling) Hi guys!
(room quiets immediately)

As the new Head of the student body,

I thought we could hold
a meeting every Wednesday

to give everyone the opportunity

to propose new ideas about the
day-to-day running of the school.

(all; laughing heartily)

Oh, girl. You nearly
had us there Annabelle.

Hey, girls, girls, girls. Look!

She really is Head Girl.

Talk about keeping it in the family.

(scoffs) (rapid beeping)

Hey guys!

We just got something
really suspicious on CCTV.

Someone just went into the library.

(all) The library?

I didn't know we had
a library... (scuffling)

(ominous music, ?) (floor creaking)

- Who's that?
- I don't know.

? ?

(music swells, shriek)

Oh my gosh.

? ?

(chink, dust scatters)

Ahem.

Care to explain what's going on, Celia?

Uh...

Maybe? No.

- I'll get my tongs.
- On second thought,

why not?

- Happy to!
- I never get to use my tongs!

Basically this like...

man totally asked me to find it.

What man?

I can't say.

- I'll get my tongs.
- No! I can't say cause I don't know.

(sighs heavily) I've
never seen him before.

He told me where it
was, and said he'd pay me

twenty thousand if I got it.

(giggles)

Twenty thousand pounds for that?!

It looks like something
Bianca would wear.

What were you going to spend
twenty thousand pounds on?

Turbines.

Wind power.

The ice caps are melting!

Sea levels are rising!

Climate change is the
most important issue

our generation faces.

With this money, we could make
this school carbon neutral.

(inspiring music, ?)

Yeah... (record scratches)

Or! We could slide the
ring over, split the cash...

and get our Gucci on!
(squealing, clapping)

Well, judging by the
shapes and the markings...

...I'd say it was a ring.

(scoffs) A ring?
- Duh!

- Definitely a ring.
- Good!

Any idea how old?

- Yeah.
- That's my girl.

Here we go...

It's well old. (sighs of disappointment)

(chattering) Idiot.

Look, it ain't about its market value.

It's about what it's
worth to the individual.

She's right.

The way I see it, twenty
is just his opening bid.

I reckon we should squeeze
him for double that.

Forty, maybe fifty grand?

(girl)

(gasps, excited prattle)

Um...

(phone chirps) That's him...

(girls grunting) Kung fu grip!

Chinese burn!

Head Girl badge.

I'll do the talking.

(phone chirps, vibrates)

(whipering) Go on...

You're talking to Annabelle Fritton.

Head Girl of St. Trinian's.

Well, well, well... Little Miss Fritton.

I made you an offer.
Twenty thousand pounds.

(Pomfrey)

(whispering, multiple)
No deal! No! No deal.

No deal.
- Yes! (giggles)

(girls chattering, giggling)

Excuse me?

I said no deal. We want...

(whispering) Fifty! Fifty-five!

(girls; whispering) Fifty! Go on...

100 thousand pounds.
(girls gasping, blabber)

(Pomfrey) to be nice.

I was even prepared to be generous.

And then you insult my generosity.

(Pomfrey) is off the table.

(girls sigh, groan) (Pomfrey)

Now look here, mister.

Do you have any idea
who you're dealing with?

No, no, no little Fritton.

The question is, do you?

(Pomfrey) Because
you're about to find out.

- A hundred thousand?
- Are you insane?

(overlapping conversation)

(ring, ring)

(ring, ring)

- Kelly it's Annabelle.

Annabelle, hey hey!
- Hi.

Listen, have you got a minute?

(swoosh, beeping)

Yeah, I got a minute.
How's life, Head Girl?

Oh, you know. It's um, it's great.

Well not great, but good.

What's happened?

(groans) It's nothing
terrible, it's just...

This creepy guy tried to buy
an ancient ring off Celia,

and he offered her twenty
thousand pounds, and then

I went and asked for 100!

Then he started threatening us
and I think he might be dangerous.

And now everyone wants to kill
me and I don't know what to do.

Sounds like another
day at St. Trinian's.

(click, beep) ? ?

I've got to go.

I don't think I'm handling
this as well as I--

Listen honey, if you
want to take the lead,

you gotta act like you know the way.

Kelly, I've got a bad
feeling about this! I...

(whispering) Yes! (alarm sounds)

Kelly? Kelly!

Gotta fly! Ciao!

(alarm sounds, indistinct begging)

(scoffs)

(man) into the tangled scorpion.

And hold.

And hold.

(bustling noise)

And hold.

And hold. (girl) Ah! Ah!

(loud clatter)

(Camilla) Be gone, gone, gone!
Shoo, shoo! Get in everyone!

Okay girls, Paris opens in three!

Let's get busy. (sighs)

Gold's up. Gold's up!

Jean-Claude? (speaks
french) Talk to me!

(buzzing, humming)

(screaming excitedly)

Excellent work, girls. A, er...

A very apposite example
of one of the many uses

of electricity in the modern world.

(clapping, sighs)

Who's next?

? ?

Zoe.

? ?

? Can get what I want

?

? I believe, yeah

Eh?

It's... an electric chair, Miss.

? ?

? I believe, yeah

? Can get what I need

? Oh it's easy, yeah

? The more that I dream

? Oh believe me, yeah

See you in the underworld.

? ?

(electric zap)

?

(rattling, hiss)

What's happened? Get me power!

Seriously, if you didn't want me
to sing, you should just say so.

(hissing, slam)

I'm going to rather enjoy this.

Would anyone care to
tell me what's going on?

So basically, like...

This guy, he offered me
twenty thousand pounds

for a ring from the Fritton archives.

- So I...
- So we figured,

anybody who's willing to pay twenty,

would... likely
pa-- - Pay fifty.

But Annabelle went and
asked for a hundred.

(all) Yeah. (scoffs)

Idiot.

May I see this ring?

Go on.

I mean, what we don't get
Miss, yeah? Is why anyone

would shell out big benjis
for some budget bling!

? ?

Anyone wouldn't, Bianca.

Unless of course...

The legend were true.

What legend?

(chuckles lightly)

The legend of the Fritton gold.

(in tandem) Is this a scary story, Miss?

(girl chuckling)

(in tandem) What?

It was a dark and stormy
night and the year is 1589.

We are sailing on the high
seas aboard a galleon...

Captained by the
villianous Lord Pomfrey.

(chortles)

His cargo is a vast horde
of glittering treasure,

his destination: the Coast of England.

He plans to use that treasure to bring
down our own great Queen... who? Hmmm?

(with lisp) Elizabeth the first?

Absolutely right, Jemima.

(giggles)

The ship ploughs through the
wave, rising and plunging,

her timbers creak.

Her rigging slaps against the mainsail.

When suddenly, out of the black night...

(accompanying sounds)
...swoops a fearsome figure.

(shouts) "Avast!"
(girls gasping, giggles)

...he cries.

And swinging like a cat on the deck,

is Pirate Fritton.
- Fritton?

- Is that...?
- Yes dear.

Our ancestor.

Archibald Fritton.

Handsome sea dog who boards the ship...

...overpowers the crew. (man grunts)

And makes off with the treasure!

Ooh, oh now, that is gangsta!

So, so like...

...what happened to him?

Neither hide nor hair of him
was ever heard of or seen since.

And the treasure?

Well as the legend goes...

Like all good pirates, he hid
the treasure, and made a map.

This was no ordinary map, Sienna.

No.

He made two rings.

? ?

And engraved half the information

on each of them.

(enchanting music, ?) And...

- That is one of the rings?
- Yes.

? ? (chuckles heartily)

Who'd have thought it was sitting
here, right under my very nose?

So that's half the clue
that will lead us to...

...to a supersized stash of bling.

(girls giggle and shriek)

Well, if you believe the legend, yes.

But I must warn you...

Those who choose to pursue it,

? ?

have been driven to
the brink of madness.

And beyond.

Goodnight girls.

? ?

(chanting) Treasure!
All girl moon-mission.

Malibu beach house!

If you believe the legend...
- 'Course we do!

? ?

Code red! Code red!

Oh my gosh! Intruders!

- Action station!
- I'll get my tongs!

(? The Noisettes: Saturday Night)

- Come on!
- Let's go.

?

? your shenanigans

? take you on

? know the half of it

? in your place

Strength and honor.

? and smoke you down

? go round and round

?

?

?

Strength and honor.

(triangle chimes)

(man) comfortably,

somewhere safe, where
you won't be disturbed...

(triangle chimes)

...take a few moments to
get in touch with breath.

Breathe in.

And out.

And in...

? ?

? ?

(quiet shot fires) (man grunts)

(darts flying, men choking)

? ?

? ?

Hello boys.

(sludge sloshes, men groaning, gasping)

(gasp, nun-chucks whoosh)

(whimper)

Excuse me?

I don't think we've been introduced.

My name is, uh, Camilla Fritton.

Friends call me Millie.

What, uh, shall I call you?

(door rattles, swoosh, man screaming)

(thud, crash, glass shattering)

An ambulance perhaps?

(laughs maniacally)

Okay, girls.

Wait until you see the
whites of their eyes.

(lamp creaks)

(girls humming quietly)

(girls humming, ?)

? So screw the rest

? damn well please

? St. Trinian's

?

? ?

Wait for it...

(pitter patter)

? ?

Load!

(rubberbands stretch and squeak)

Wait for it, wait for it...

Fire!

(all; shouting) Fire!

Second rank, fire!

Third rank, fire!

? ? Yes!

Fourth rank, fire!

(men grunt)

(beep, beep, beep)

Ever heard of the Wall of Sound?

(shrill noise)

(electric humming) Well,
you're about to run into it.

(electric guitar, yells) Ha!

? ?

- Fire!
- Ow!

Oh, ha ha. What you doing?

(woosh, thud) Augh!

(whap, grunts)

(shouts) Fire!

(fwap, girls screaming)

(thud, banging)

Fire at will!

(girls yelling, things soaring past)

? So screw the rest

?

? Until the end St. Trinian's ?

? ? (yelling, firing)

(chanting) Losers! Losers!

And don't come back! (whack, man yelps)

Did I miss a party or something?

I don't think it's too
serious. Why don't you sit up?

Give that girl a pint of blood, on me.

Ahh.

- I tried my best, Miss.
- No! Rest dear soldier. Rest.

Brave, brave soldier.

You did St. Trinian's proud.

Well, what's the news?
Victory for the home team?

Well they won't be coming
back again. That's for sure.

(sigh of relief) Oh, thank God.

(helicopter whirring loudly)

(glass shatters, girls screaming)

(glass shatters, screams, chatter)

(man) Keep quiet, and still!

Don't move!

? ?

(ominous music)

? ?

Quite the entrance.

Course, one could have
used the front door.

Yes...

But it wouldn't have
looked nearly so cool.

(chortles)

Who are you people?

We're your worst nightmare.

You're not the BeeGees. Take that.

I hope you don't mind me dropping in.

(bark, girls whimper)

I've just come to collect on a
debt you Frittons have owed for...

... Oh!

420 years.

Or so.

You're a Pomfrey.

(gasps) A Pomfrey?

Clever girl.

Sir Piers Pomfrey, to be exact.

You must be the ineffable Camilla.

(giggles nervously)

Ah,

Good heavens. I'm sure
you're not silly enough

to believe all that
silly old legend about

pirates and treasure
and all that bunkum?

Course not.

(girls shriek, Camilla struggles)

Auntie!

That's why we went to so much trouble.

There you are, sir.

And I will have it back.

Now that I've a clue to its whereabouts.

Well, half a clue, sir.

One word of advice, Mrs.
Fritton. (phone rings) Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry...

They're great, but you never
really switch off, you know?

(phone ringing, clears throat)

Bono.

(snorts) Wants to go for
beers. Again! (chuckles)

(helicopter whirs loudly)
Anyway, as I was saying...

I hope we don't meet
again, Miss Fritton.

For your sake.

Place looks like a
bomb site, by the way.

You ladies really need
to keep up the housework.

(sigh of disbelief)

(helicopter hums loudly)
(Pomfrey) Bye-bye!

(birds chirping)

(indistinct chatter)

(ominous music, ?)

(sighs)

Girls...

Our home, our school...

...our sanctuary...

...has been violated.

And not in a good way.

As you know, fighting is
abhorred here at St Trinian's.

But in this case...

I say to you: (shouts) they started it!

But Miss, what are we gonna do?

We ain't got the ring.

Ah, yes. (chortles)

But remember the legend,
Jessica, there are two rings.

To stop these bullies...

...all we have to do is
find the second ring first!

(chuckles) But what
about the first ring?

I'll get to the first ring in a second.

Now, girls...

...we find the second ring first,

infiltrate the enemy camp,
and get the first ring, second.

(confused noises) Huh?

Now... (clears throat)

They may be many, and we may be few.

But anyone who stands
beside me in this struggle...

what can I say?

(inspirational music, ?)

We few...

...a happy few,

a band of sisters...

For she who sheds her blood
with me shall be my sister!

Or she ne'er so vile.

And gentle girls in England now a-bed

shall think themselves
accursed they were not here!

And hold their girlhood cheap...

...whiles any speaks,

(inspirational music, ?)

who fought with us.

? ?

Upon St. Trinian's Day.

(cheering, wild uproar,
inspirational music, ?)

(chuckles happily)

So, I'm going treasure hunting!

Who's with me ?

(loud racket, cheering)

? ?

Kinsmen, welcome.

Let us pledge our troth.

To preserve the natural
order, menfolk as master.

Women as cattle under yolk and chain.

(all;chanting) She
under he for eternity.

I hereby convene this,
the 612th congregation

of our hallowed brotherhood.

(mythical, ominous music, ?)

How are we all?

- Jolly well.
- Not bad.

- We've got the ring back.
- Mmm, hear, hear.

(Celia) He's a wealthy philanthropist.

A real mover and a shaker.

Yeah! ? ?

Everybody seems to love him.

I can't find anything negative on him...

Don't be fooled by appearances, girls.

No... keep looking!

Keep looking.

Okay. Let's widen the net, girls.

(creak)

? ?

Look for anything
mentioning Pirate Fritton.

(Jemima) That looks interesting.

What's that?

(Patience) Girls! Hey!
Look, I've got something.

It is... recorded that
the... piss... piss...

...piss?

(with heavy lisp) It's recorded
that the pistol toting Pirate Fritton

left a treasure trail. (girls gasp)

(Pandora; raspy voice) It started
with a series of playing cards.

Here they are.

(Pandora) On each was written a clue.

Look!

Look here!

On the day of our Lord, May 22nd,
1882... (man's voice fades in)

I the Reverend Fortnum Fritton...

...after generations failed before me...

...finally found the first ring.

? ?

And along with it, the
means of finding a second.

(Annabelle) What?

What did he find?

- A widdle.
- A widdle?

A weally old widdle. Left
by Pirate Fwitton himself.

(all) Oh, gross.

A riddle?!

- Oh.
- That's what I said, silly.

Where's the widdle now?

(whispering) It's a riddle!

- Oh...
- We found this.

Fortnum's will.

And I shall leave a trace of it,

but not upon this earth.

Not on earth?

So, it's what? Like...
in space or something?

(low growling)

Not upon the earth, but under it!

(with lisp) Six feet under, perhaps?

(mocking lisp) Six feet under!

Don't take the piss.

? ?

(bats screeching)

(thunder rumbles)

(Bianca) I can't believe,
right, that we're gonna dig up

some rank dead geezer on the
off-chance he's got a clue.

(Chelsea) This is so creepy!

We are actually walking
over dead bodies right now.

There's no reason to be scared of death.

Cause death's just like...

You know, life.

But with all the crap bits
taken out. Like poverty.

And fascism.

And Miley Cyrus.

So you wouldn't mind if you died?

(Zoe) I wouldn't mind if you died...

(Annabelle) There, look!

He's got powerful friends.

Ah, isn't she marvelous?

(coos, chuckles)

I wouldn't mind getting my
teeth around Barack Obama.

And um...

Here's somebody you might know.

He may be our route to Pomfrey.

(? The Four Aces: Love Is
A Many Splendored Thing)

Geoffrey...

Maybe you should give him a call...

Call him?

I'd rather cover myself in
jam and sit on a wasp's nest.

But he might be our only hope.

(disgruntled sigh) Never!
(girl squeaks in fear)

(dramatic whimper)

(glass clanks down)

You ever been in love, Steve?

- Oh, God.
- Don't bother.

You take my advice...

- Stay away from women?
- Stay away from women.

Look, you've got to
forget about her, Geoff.

Move on. Please!

How's it possible?
Behind the toothy smile...

...and the baby blue eyes,
and the tweed suits, and the...

...Wellington boots, there beats a heart

that is callous and self-serving?

I think you'll find
they're brown, actually.

Steve, they're blue.

They are most definitely
brown, Geoffrey.

(rattling, bar noise)
Excuse me if I don't get up.

Wouldn't be the first
time. (snorting laughter)

(rattling, bar music, ?)

- What do you want?
- I want to know,

about your little
friend, Sir Piers Pomfrey.

(music changes, intense,
dramatic swell ?)

Pomfrey?

Asked you out on a date, has he?

Well I hope he knows what
he's letting himself in for.

A couple of athletic sleepovers
and a bout of ritual humiliation.

Oh please. So you got your private parts
out in a national newspaper. So what?

Yeah, the pair of you,
made for each other.

Marriage made in hell,
not that I care, obviously.

I don't want to get into his
pants, I just want to get...

...even.

Double Bailey's on the rocks, please.

Touch of lime juice.

(wind whistling) Are
we gonna be here long?

(girl grunting in effort)
Why ya got somewhere to be?

(exasperated grunts) I just...I'm cold,

and wet, and bored.

She's scared...

You're scared!

No...

I do this kind of stuff
all the time. So whatever.

You know, I'm just chilling.

Chillaxing.

(screaming, chain reaction)

(shrilly) My nails!

(panting, sighing) I just had them done.

Phew. I nearly trumped in my trackies.

(sighs)

He's dangerous, Camilla.

Orchestrated my downfall.

Pomfrey.

And his secret society.

Secret society?

AD1.

They've got members.

In every crook and nanny.

Government.

Army. Police force.

I see...

What's the plot, Fritton?

You're not thinking of going
up against him, are you?

Oh my God, you are.

They've taken something from
me that I intend to get back.

(music stops, papers rustling)

Millie... (slurping)

(glass thuds) Count me in.

Oh, Geoffrey.

(song fades in, ? The Four Aces:
Love Is A Many Splendored Thing)

Oh...

Geoffrey...

(belches, music stops
abruptly, Camilla gags audibly)

(sharp exhale)

You're a drunk, a sot...

...a pale and pickled wreck of a man.

If you were a horse, they'd shoot you.

God.

Hold it right there, young lady.

I may be... drunk.

And I may be a sot...

...and I may be pickled.

Horse...

But there's one thing I
know about secret societies.

They're very secretive.
(sighs of exasperation)

You don't know who they are,

you don't know where they are!

You don't know anything
about them, unless...

you're a member, or...

...unless, of course...

- You were one yourself.
- Mmm.

(creaking, wood cracks)

(girl groans) Eugh!

Oh! (gags, coughing)

(coughing,
gagging) Oh, j--

Gross!

Oh, I think it's kind of beautiful.

(shutter clicks)

Look, there's something
stuck under his hat.

Oh...

? ?

This ring will fit no finger,

but works upon the ear.

(thunder rumbles)

Ala--

Awa---

(scoffs) I can't make out the
final lines, they've rotted away.

(groans)

(groaning louder)

(groaning grows louder)
Just like the spirit!

It's like that bit in 'Ghost!'

(groaning) Bianca!

Can you hear us?

(groans, sneezes) Aachoo!

(moans of disgust) Yeah, course I can!

You tit.

We thought you were possessed.

Yeah, well, that would make
you the tit then, wouldn't it?

Tit.

Hey, don't call her tit!

She's not the one who's dragged us here!

(distorted voice) Desist
you vile creatures!

Huh! Take a chill pill Annabelle!

(distorted voice) I am not Annabelle!

Oh yeah. We nearly almost
forgot. You're... Head Girl.

Yeah. Big whoop.

(bones cracking, ominous music, ?)

(growling, crackling) (girls scream)

(cracking, evil laugh)

The fact of the matter
is that people have been

living in fear of that
man, for far too long! And I

can tell you something Millie.
I am not afraid anymore!

(growling, hissing) Christ!

(distorted chuckling) Morning girls.

(girls) Morning Miss.

I can't even wait to give him an
elephant sized dose of his own medicine...

- Geoffrey!
- ...and watch that

pompous prig shrivel
like a slug in salt!

We have to act now!

We have to strike while the iron's hot!

Revenge is a dish best
served cold, Geoffrey.

(door slams shut)

Welcome to recovery, Mr. Thwaites.

And you need to cool down.

(thud, water sloshing, chokes)

(water whacking glass, Camilla chortles)

We have plans for you, Geoffrey.

I'm just taking every day as it comes.

And each day gets better and brighter.

So my name is Georgiana.

And I'm proud to be able to say that I
haven't had a drink for six years now.

(scattered applause)
Oh! Well done Georgiana!

And now I'd like you all to
welcome our newest member.

Geoffrey.

Mr. Thwaites.

How lovely to see you here.
With me... us, in this room.

(clears throat)

(Geoffrey)

- Well, I
- I'm Geoffrey, and... (all) Hello Geoffrey!

Um...

Well I think this is all,
very... very admirable.

But I'm afraid you're rather wasting
your time. You see, I'm not an alcoholic.

I um, I like a drink.

And who doesn't?

Nice brandy after dinnner,

couple of whiskies
after a round of golf.

Uh, er, and a bit of
sharpener before lunch.

Glass of tequila with breakfast.

(birds chirping softly)

What?

(girls) Tsk, tsk, tsk.

(pattering) What's the
matter with Annabelle?

It's kind of hard to say,
Miss. (Annabelle growls evilly)

She's not herself.

Yeah, I must say, she's been
taking this Head Girl thing

a bit too seriously.

No, no, no, no. It's not that.

Believe, she's really
not herself... (growling)

What on earth?

Where is she?

(distorted voice, cackles)

(gasps)

(growling, hissing) Annabelle!

You come down here immediately!

(distorted man's voice)
I am not Annabelle.

I am Fortnum Fritton.

Scourge of the Bavarian hoof markets.

Terror of the Western Isles!

And I'm Camilla Fritton,
Head Mistress of St. Trinian's

school for young ladies.
So pull yourself together.

Possessing one's own relatives
is not the sort of thing

that we encourage (cracking,
spits) at this school.

(spurts) (girls) Eugh!

Oh! (evil laughter)

Really Fortnum, that is
neither clever, nor funny.

Now tell me, where is the treasure?

(distorted voice) At last.
My beautiful treasure!

I'm rich! (maniacal laughter)

She's gone Dolce and bananas.

(maniacal, distorted laughter)

I think we need to exorcise her.

Yeah, she could
definitely do a toning up.

Not ex-er-cise you
genius. Ex-or-cise!

Yes! (bones cracking)

I heard that!

I cast you out unclean spirit!

The rest of the clue, Fortnum.

Right now, or you'll be in big trouble!

(girls chanting) Expecto patronum!

There's not place like home-em!

(distorted voice calls out)

Get thee behind me, Satan!

- Yes, yes get behind her!
- What she said.

(grunting, groaning)

This ring will fit no finger,
but works upon the ear.

Awash with hopes, I learnt the ropes.

You'll find my mast is here.

(whispering) My mast is here...

(chatter, typewriter clacking)

(indistinct conversations)

(Lucy)

(whispers) Hi.

(whispering) How's it going?

(Bianca calling out) Alright losers!

Have you solved it yet, or what?

(girls sigh) For goodness sake.

Ooh, a bit touchy today?

Do you want me to give it a go?

As if, Bianca.

I...

think I should have a go.
- Girls.

We've run it through
three super computers,

converted it into numerical equations,

anagrammatized it,

and translated it into
38 different languages.

Do you really think
that either of you two

are going to crack it?

(both) Might.

(sighs) Be my guest.

(board squeaks and rustles)
(Bianca clearing throat)

This ring will fit no finger,
but works upon the ear.

Awash with hopes, I learnt the ropes,

you'll find my mast is here.

Find my masters here.

Well where were his masters?

His school masters?

Was it in a school?

My mast is here. Like on a boat.

Yeah, yeah. Like on a boat you
div. What, can't you hear proper?

Can't you speak proper?

- Ey, right! That's it.
- Yeah? What?

What are you gonna do?

Hang on! (girls fighting) Hang on!

- She's right! (all) Huh?

His school. That's a homophone.

A homophone is a phrase
that sounds the same...

...but has two different
meanings. Like a pun.

Yeah, I knew that.

So... it is a school?

I was right! It...

It's Fritton's school!

We (stammers) well, we cracked it!

We cracked it!

(shrieks) Get in! Suck
on that Lucy! Yeah!

- Yeah? In your face!
- Oh, yeah. Suck on that...

Uh... i-- in your face.
- No, it's in your face.

- It's "In your face!"
- Oh, um, in... your, face.

? ?

(brakes screech, tumble)

(crowd cheers, clapping)

? ?

(? Sarah Harding: Boys Keep Swinging)

? ?

? You can wear a uniform

? Other boys check you out

(song fades)

This place is like... ginormous!

How are we supposed to find a tiny
little ring in such a big space?

Well come on braniacs, any bright ideas?

I was thinking...

Where are all the fit boys?

(scoffs) I mean, you
promised us hunky men,

and these guys... they're
just a bunch of pansies.

Oof, apart from that one.
Look at him. He's gorg!

Saffy... that's Bella.

- Ooh?
- Oh!

Bye. (awkward noise)

I got his number!

What do you boys think
you're doing here?

Who are you?

I'm um... (deep voice) I'm Jonty.

Jonty Barbour.

This is uh, Bufty Rolls Royce
and uh... Sebastian de Billiard.

We're friends of Wills and Harry.

You know Wills and Harry! Course you do.

- Great guys.
- Yeah, great guys.

- Top lads.
- Top, top.

I ski.

(bells ringing) Bugger.
I've got double Maths.

But we'll resume this. Later.

(sigh of relief) Saved
by the bell, hey girls?

That's brilliant!

What was brilliant?

- That joke. You serious?
- The bell... the bell...

Saved by the bell!

This ring will fit no finger,
but works upon the ear!

The ring of the bell! (gasps) Genius!

(clatter, dong)

- Yes!
- Wow...

It's a clue.

(girl)

Your final search from ear to ear,

an old head lies between.

Stride southwest from there to here,

they'll take your first sixteen.

Eight, nine, ten, eleven,
twelve, thirteen, fourteen,

fifteen, sixteen!

Now southeast in unbroken line,

count one hundred
twice, and thirty-nine?

Southeast...

(choir singing)

Ah, brilliant.

How are we supposed to get past them?

Oh, chill out Bride of Chucky. Yeah?

They're a choir of boys.

Leave this one to me.

Oy!

Oy! (making a racket)

I'm not being funny,
yeah? Are you lot serious?

You lot sound like a
bunch of little girlies.

Right?

What you need, is a remix!

Yeah? So like, er...
come closer. Come closer!

Alright, so um...
listen to my beats, yeah?

Like (beatboxes)

(high pitched, record
noise, continues beatboxing)

Yeah? And then, some like...

(high pitched noises)

? ?

(panting, grunting)

(tribal music, grunting)

(screams)

(grunting)

(Camilla) Good work,
children. Thank you.

(girl) Pleasure MIss.

Sunday afternoon voodoo class
seems to be really paying off.

(gasping for air)

Kelly wouldn't have
got us into this mess.

Kelly wouldn't have got possessed.

My dear child... listen to you.

You need to stop trying
to be Kelly Jones,

and start trying to be...
- Annabelle Fritton!

Good lord no. Look at the state of you.

(whimpers)

That's not hair do, it's a hair don't.

Oh, for God's sake. Face
up before I have a prolapse.

235, 236... 237, 238, Two
hundred... thirty nine.

? ?

Bother.

Go on!

(hinge creaks)

Okay guys. Be quick, cause
break starts any minute, yeah.

? ?

(Lucy) Look what he's wearing.

Ah, so now you're the
style queen, are you?

Yeah, we're looking for
a ring, not fashion tips.

But he's wearing a ring.

Well, an earring anyway.

(girls) Yeah...

(girls) In a painting.

(swoosh noise)

(boys yelling in background,
birds chirping, pitter patter)

Headmaster...

Do we have a boy called
Bufty Rolls Royce?

(door creaks) Uh guys...

The headmaster is like,
kind of coming this way.

(bells tolling in distance)

Forget it, we gotta go!

The window!

? ? (clears throat)

(curtains rustle, dramatized
sparkling, tinkling)

(gasp)

Girls!

Your final search from ear to ear!

An old headmaster lies between...

(boy) Headmaster...

(grunts, books tumble)
Ahem, I'm so sorry sir.

What are you doing, you clumsy boy?!

It is the earring!

Ha!

In your face!

In your face!

Face of a supermodel,
brain of a super-noodle.

Lucy!

Do you really think I
look like a supermodel?

(disgusted sigh)

? ?

(girls) You do! You really do!

? ? (papers shuffling, short of breath)

What
the-- !

(shuffling, stumbles) Boys?

? ?

(shouts) Boys!

Boys! Boys! Come here at once!

(grunts, clatter)

(beatboxing choir music, ?)

(beatboxing choir music, ?)

Come on! Come on!

Oy! Laters, yeah?

(boy) Wait! Stop them!
(beatboxing choir music, ?)

Come on, boys! ? ?

? ?

(hollering, whooping)

- Bugger! ? ?

- Phew!
- Got it!

(screaming) Oh my God! (squeals)

(Chelsea) Fifty-one...
(Lucy) ... degrees.

(Chelsea) Thirty... (Lucy) ...minutes.

(Bella) Twenty-four...
(Lucy) ...seconds!

It's latitude!

Which means... the treasure has to be...

Here! (gasps)

(shrieking) Or here...

Or here.

Or here.

Anywhere in fact, along this line.

We need the longitude.

- We need the other ring.
- Yes! Wicked!

Let's break into AD1 and swipe it back!

(Bianca) Yeah? Oh, tick tock!

(Zoe) Whos' gonna get us
inside, you and your chav army?

Uh, we're Rude Girls. Rude.
Girls. Rude Girls. Girls.

Chav, chav, chav, chav...

Rude Girls!

Don't you think this whole idea
is just a wee bit unfeasible?

Roxy, this is St. Trinian's.

(girls gasp) Annabelle.

We don't know the meaning
of the word unfeasible.

That's true.

Besides, we've got our way inside.

We've got our inside man.

I must say, you do scrub
up rather well, Geoffrey.

Well I know I have you and
the girls to thank for it.

(birds chirping, romantic music, ?)

There's something I
want to give you, Millie.

(girlish giggle)

(dog whimpers) Oh,
no, he's simply divine.

(giggles) He's so lovely,
and licky! (chuckles)

I bet if he could talk,
he'd be trying to tell me

just how much he loves me.

Oh, Geoffrey. I shall call him...

(mwah) Heathcliff.

(dog whimpers)

Camilla I need to tell
you something, but I...

I don't know how.

Oh, just use your lips, Geoffrey.

AD1 are a bunch of
women-hating psychopaths.

(gasps)

? ?

And not just any old secret society,

they were formed 500 years
ago with one aim in mind.

The repression and the
subjugation of women.

Hm. And you were a member.

Oh, Geoffrey. How could you?

I was... young. I was ambitious.

I needed all the help I could
get to climb the greasy pole.

Look where it got you.

- I've changed Camilla.
- Oh! (scoffs)

The girls are waiting to debrief you.

We'll see how much you've changed.

(dog panting, groans)

Heathcliff! (weak bark)

(dog barking) (Camilla calls dog)

So I got the lowdown
from Geoffrey Thwaites.

Humph. He can get us inside.

The safe is in the basement.

And the ring is in the safe!

Let's get cracking!

And what exactly do we know

about breaking into
high security vaults?

Not much.

But I know a girl that does.

All right, strangers.

? ?

(girls) Kelly! Kelly!

? ?

(music changes; foreboding)

(men chanting)

(deep voiced chanting)

(chanting in Latin)

(pack thuds on floor)

- Ready?
- Ready.

Ready.

We're ready.

Ready.

(chanting continues)

(whispers) Go on, go on!

(chanting in Latin)

(chants stop; Geoffrey
chants alone in Latin)

(fire crackling, mysterious music, ?)

(Lucy) then turn right.

The vault should be in front of you.

But lookout! There's
security everywhere.

Told you.

? ?

There she is.

Bingo!

Wait here.

? ?

Kinsmen! (gasp)

What are you doing down here?

(ahem) Well...

Are you wearing lipstick, kinsman?

(grunts uncomfortably)

Who are you anyway?

(swoosh, whack, man grunts, giggles)

(both girls)

(scattered applause)

(shuffling)

(Lucy) the surveillance room

is directly on your right.

(electric buzzing, beeps, chatter)

(whispers) Oi!

(pin rattles)

(gas hissing, metal clanks)

(man coughing) (Kelly) It's party time.

(? Florence and the
Machine: Kiss With a Fist)

? casts no shadow

? sees no blame

? Your kicks don't hit

? (girls grunt, thwack)

? Sweat drips

? if it don't fit

? is good for some

? is better than none

? ? Hie-yah!

? is better than none

(karate sounds, thuds, slaps, whacks)

Yes! (girls clap and laugh)

(imitates punch sound)

(girls giggling) (in tandem)

Geezer!

(in tandem) What do you want?

Wow.

(girls whimper)

(gruesome cracking, man groans in pain)

Vulcan death grip!

(both) Cool!

? ?

Come on, girls.

(light crunch, groan, thuds on floor)

Are you not in the
least concerned about the

news that those
schoolgirls have discovered

the second ring?

Am I concerned? No.

No, I'm no concerned.

Annoyed certainly.

Astonished!

Some of this country's
finest minds being

outsmarted by a bunch of pathetic,
empty-headed little women!

(glass chinks)

I'll give you three guesses.

Well what are we going
to do about it then, sir?

(fire crackles) Kinsman?

Well isn't that an excellent question.

(slurping)

I thought perhaps we
might open that question

out to the floor.

I say we should send
the troops in again.

(man) Well let's not be too hasty!

We lost good men the last time.

(suspenseful music, ?)

(faint ticking, clicking)

(vault unlocks)

(loud clank)

(creaking, whirring)

(beep, beep, beep)

(hissing)

(girl)

Freon. It's a freezing gas to
counteract the heat sensors.

? ?

? ?

Oh wow.

? ?

(Lucy) Terminated.

Who are these people?

Oy.

Annabelle.

(all gasping) There it is! There it is!

? ?

(box clicks, chime)

(Kelly)

No!

(groans of discontent) Oh no!

? ?

Girls, girls. Abort
mission. Abort mission!

Go, go, go!

(Lucy) Switch to Geoffrey cam.

(static hiss; Lucy) It's
all up to you, Geoffrey.

(slurping) (Pomfrey) Kinsman?

(Lucy) Uh-oh...

We've heard nothing from
you. What's your proposal?

Kinsman!

What?

He's absolutely
sloshed. What's happened?

What's your take on these women?

Women!

Pfft.

(exaggerated raspberry)

(chortles)

Hey... (table creaks)

I'll tell you what, right.

I'll tell... seriously.
I've, I've had enough of them.

I've, I-- sick to the hind bloody
teeth of the whole lot of them.

Oh!

Scumbag!

Yak, yak, yak in your
ear all day about...

(Camilla) that's gratitude for you.

...gratitude, and...

After I rescued him from the dung heap.

...dung!

The bitching and moaning
about this and that...

...whatever! It's time
for them to shut up!

(voices in earpiece quarrel,
indistinct chatter, cuts off)

I'll tell you what I realized, right.

About women.

Is that they're greedy, manipulative,

cold-hearted, sadistic little...

minxes! (scoffs, laughter)

And I'm finished with 'em!

(shouts) No mercy! (men; all) No mercy!

(chanting) No mercy!
No mercy! (bang table)

Eugh! (groans of anger)

(men chanting) No mercy! No mercy!

Thank you very much.

- Scumbag.
- How dare he!

- Nasty piece of work.
- I'd like to see him try.

? ? (men chanting "om")

I like what you said, Kinsman.

I meant every word.

About time someone said it straight.

Women are for making cakes and babies.

Good job, kinsman.

I commend you.

Master.

Mission over.

(sighs, computer rattles)

(whack) Well...

That worked out well, didn't it?

- Good plan!
- Well I didn't

exactly see you helping!

You must've been too busy
doing sod all yourself.

Who's for a nice cup of...?

Wait! Who's idea was it to
break into an empty vault?

Yeah!

Like obviously the Geeks
didn't do their homework!

Oh, so now it's our fault! How were we
supposed to know the vault was empty?

(girls fighting, overlapping)

We would have been better
off asking Chelsea to do it.

(screams in protest,
yelling, fighting, shrieks)

(whistles)

(silence)

How can we expect to fight
an organization like AD1

if all we do is fight each other?

This is not the time
to play the blame game!

(Camilla) Absolutely right, Annabelle.

If it's anybody's fault, it's
that double-crossing slime,

Geoffrey Thwaites.

Deep down, I always knew
he was untrustworthy.

But he sucks you in...

with his rakish charm,
those eyes like limpid pools.

That silky tousled hair...

(? The Four Aces: Love Is
A Many Splendored Thing)

...that firm, downy chest. (Camilla) No!

He's a traitor, and a coward.

And if I see him again,
s-- (dog whimpers)

(gasps) Oh! Geoffrey!

(music swells, ? loud whack, grunts)

(gasp)

? ?

Oh!

(girls gasp and chatter)
My God, it's the ring!

(thud)

Bursar, how much is
ten thousand doubloons

worth in today's currency?

Oh, er, wha-- Carry the one,
times by twelve, carry the one,

er, compound the rate of
inflation... Er, it's about

409,846,902 pounds and 18 pence. Why?

(quietly chuckles)

Because, ka-ching!

(chortles) That's what
we're going to collect!

You darling little number cruncher.

(chuckles) Yes, if we find the ring.

I mean, the other ring.
- Ah.

? ?

My precious.

(high pitched moaning)

Oh...

Er... ? ?

(metal clink)

Latitude: 51 degrees,
30 minutes, 24 seconds.

Longitude: 0 degrees,
5 minutes, 35 seconds.

? ? Oh wow!

(Lucy)

(Annabelle) X marks the spot.

(Lucy)

Girls.

? ?

Oh...

How about a visit to the theatre?

(ring, ring, beep)

Agen Jones.

(speaks Hebrew)

(speaks Hebrew)

Hey!

I'll see you at the airport!

Hey, listen, I've got to run.
But you can take it from here.

- Kel...
- You'll be fine.

Your Aunt might be mad
as a bag of gerbils,

but she's a pretty
smart judge of character.

(birds chirping)

Kelly?

What do you do now?

Well...

You heard of MI5? ? ? MI6?

Well that was MI7.

Good luck!

? the first pick

? From the in clique

? my own way

? In my own world

? ?

(engine rumbles)

Are we nearly there yet?

Not now, Bursar.

(shouts) Peters! (man squeals, clatter)

(groan, thud)

Look at this.

Oh yes. That's lovely, sir. Is that new?

Look at it.

Look at it.

They swapped it.

They've got both rings.

(groans in pain) I want them found.

I want them crushed.
I want them destroyed.

Don't worry sir!

We have an extensive network with
CCTV, and undercover operatives.

They can't breathe without
us knowing about it.

So where are they?

Huh?

(groans, choking) Where are they now?

Where are they...

...now. (choke, gag)

(high pitched moan)

Where are they?

Um... (radio chatter)

(man on radio) Platform 3.

(thud)

Ah. Little Miss Fritton.

(bustling noise, loudspeaker, chatter)

Just stay calm, girls.

Swimming pool rules.

No running... No shoving...

(man) I have them.

No heavy petting.

We go when I say.

- Take them.
-

(men) Start to move in.

Okay Annabelle, let's do this!

Now!

A-one, a-two, a-one,
two, three, four.

? ?

? ?

What on earth is going
on? What are they doing?!

I think it's called a flash mob, sir.

(Jemima) Annabelle, time to go.

? ?

(Jemima) Look out, they're on to you.

? ?

(Patience) Girls, be careful!

(Patience) Duck, duck!

? ?

(whack, grunts) (Jemima) Okay,

it's clear for the south exit.

? ?

Ahem...

(AD1 man) Men, hold your positions.

(AD1 man) All exits are covered.

Repeat, all exits are covered.

? ? Go, go, go, go!

? ? (crowd clapping)

? ?

(song ends, noise and
loudspeaker return)

There, follow them!

(AD1 man) up into groups...

Which group are we supposed
to be following, sir?

Hey... I
- (stammers)

(sighs) All of them!

- What? (shouts) All of them!

Yes... okay.

Big fish, little fish, cardboard box.

Big fish, little fish, cardboard box!

Feed the chickens, feed the chickens!

Milk the cow! Milk the cow!

? ?

Oh, the girls! The girls. They're here!

(pattering, shrieks) Oh! Come on!

Come along, right on time.

Hustle, three, four, five...

six... ? ?

Come on!

(man on loudspeaker)
Ladies and gentlemen,

please take your seats.

The second half of 'Romeo and Juliet'

will commence in three minutes.

- Barsur? Barsur your helmet.
- Hmm?

(shoes clatter on wood)

? ?

(door creaks)

(man on loudspeaker)
Two minutes to curtain.

Two minutes to curtain up, please.

Cast, two minutes.

Why on earth do you suppose
induced that old sea-dog

Archibald Fritton to
hide his treasure here?

? ? (high pitched beeping)

(beeping speeds up)

Girls! Over here!

(Lucy) Help!

(all) One, two, three...
(grunting with effort)

Hey... (girls coughing)

You're not allowed back here.

- Oh!
- Says who?

Uh, wow. Don't you know who this is?

Oh... my God.

You're that guy off
the tele, aren't you?

Yeah, I've, I've done a
few bits and bobs, yeah.

(shrilly) Oh my God, I
can't believe it's you!

(scoffs) Yeah, yeah. I mean... it is.

(giggles) You're in
that yoga commercial!

What! No... er...

(girls agreeing,
chatter) Oh, I love that.

- Look... this is Romeo, yeah?
- One time...

And I'm his Juliet.

(girls; snarky) Mmm.

So, if any of you little
groupies want an autograph...

...you're going to have to go to
the stage door with everyone else.

(man on loudspeaker)
Principals in position, please.

- Babe?
- Hmm?

- Call security right now.
- Yeah, okay.

I would think twice
about that if I were you.

(sword swooshes, girls gasp)

En guarde.

? ?

(swords chink, men grunt)

(shriek)

(yells, screaming)

? ? (laughs maniacally)

- A watering can?
- What's that gonna do?

(water sloshes, chinks)

He's quite good with it.

(shrieks)

(sloshing, thuds)

? ?

(clapping erupts) Bravo, bravo!

Oh, marvelous. You were really good.

(chortles smugly) Oh, yes...

(grunts, whack, tumble)

(gasps, shrieks)

(cries dramatically) You killed him!

(sobbing) Oh, no!

(groans, indistinct) Oh, well you...

...you nearly killed him!

(sobbing dramatically)

Oh do be quiet, you silly little girl.

(crying, thwack)

(man on loudspeaker) Romeo
and Juliet to the wings.

At once!

(Bianca) Great. Now what?

(crowd bustles)

(horns play intro, ?)

Romeo... Romeo...
Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo!

(crowd laughs)

(giggle)

Uh, Romeo...Romeo!

Wherefore art th-
- I'm down here.

Verily down here, I am.

Forsooth.

What happened to Fritton?

She's not involved, sir.

We've got footage of her
heading to the theatre.

Romeo and Juliet at the Globe.

It's meant to be rather good...

(foreboding music, ?)

Shakespeare's Globe.

(heated breathing)
We've got to stop them!

(mouse squeaks) (Annabelle)
Okay girls, let's move it!

(girls groaning in disgust)

Oh, my shoe!

(Chelsea)
Oh-- my God!

(Chelsea) Are they rats?

(Lucy) No!

They're little furry
elephants, what do you reckon?

No, no, no, no. I
(stammers) I don't do rats.

Yeah? That's more Zoe's bag.

Actually, I'm like, allergic to rats

and clingfilm and pumpkin seeds.

Yeah right.

(Annabelle) Well, nevermind. We'll just tell
the girls back at school we didn't finish

the job because it was a
bit dark, and a bit cold,

and someone saw a hamster.

Oh! (disgusted) Chelsea! What
about your Malibu beach house?

What about the all-girl moon mission?

Do we really want that
pig Pomfrey and the AD1

not to get the treasure?

Cause I know I don't.

(rats squeaking)

(door clings shut) I
have a faint, cold fear...

...thrills through my veins.

? ?

Almost freezes up the heat of life.

I'll call them back again
to comfort me. Nurse!

(cries softly)

What shall she do here?

(patter, creaking)

Gentle vile... (chuckles)

Sir...

- Isn't that...
- Guys...

Let's go.

(shrieks)

Do I need to remind
you we're supposed to be

a secret organization?

(whimpers) No. Of
course. I just thought...

Don't.

There's no other way out.
The play's nearly over.

We move as soon as it finishes.

(Camilla; Juliet) Stay...

Potion, make thy mark.

Mm, ahh. (

Oh, oh... (groans)

(groans dramatically, annoyed exhale)

(loud grunting)

She's very good.

? ?

Yes.

(Lucy) Says we go left
here... and straight on.

Oh, brilliant.

? ? (sighs)

No...

(exasperated sigh)

(groans) (girl)

The show is about to end!

Um, we may need more time.

(thud, thud, thud)

Isn't that your cue?

(crowd bustles)

My dearest love!

Please don't be dead.

(crowd laughs)

Th
- (stammers) ...

So much remains unsaid.

? ? (girls whispering)

Chelsea, what are you doing?

Looking for a secret door.

(scoffs) Places like this
always have a secret door.

Chelsea, you
truly are, a--

(rocks rattle, click)

(loud grinding)

I truly am what?

Smarter than your
average brainless slapper?

Yeah.

Smarter than your
average brainless slapper.

(chuckles) You better believe it.

(groaning, grinding)

Ups we've had!

And downs, yeah, we've had a few.

And um...

And nights of rough
and tumble, one or two.

(audience chuckles)

And now...

It might be the very moment to...

...do...

What I must admit I find it...

Rather hard... to... do...

And that is...

...to say...

(? The Four Aces: Love Is
A Many Splendored Thing)

...that I love...

...that I love...

(Camilla) Hmm?

? ?

That I love you.

?

I love you.

? ? Cheers.

Thus...

...with a kiss, I die!

(song ends)

They're rather good, aren't they?

(lighter flicks)

? ?

What kind of place is this?

(Lucy) Look at the costumes!

(Lucy) It must be part of the old Globe.

(girl on radio) What's happening team?

The show's nearly over!

(Annabelle) Keep it
going, whatever it takes!

? ?

(Camilly and Geoffrey moaning, tumbling)

- Bursar, Bursar...
- Eh?

(inaudible whispering)

Oh...

Friendly dagger...

Plunge, plunge, plunge.
(gargles, chokes)

No! No
- not yet!

Not dead!

Er...

Our play is not yet over.

For our work is not yet done.

Friends...

Romans?

Countrymen...

If music, be the food of love...

Oh for Christ's sake, it's interminable.

(door creaks)

? ?

(beep, beep, beep)

? ? (beeping speeds up)

It must be here!

Right here.

(swish, music swells, ?)

Bingo. (girls gasp)

? ?

(Bursar) It... it... damn splot! It...

(panting, rustling)

- Oh! Hurry up!
- It's locked, it's locked.

(Bursar) Cry havoc and
let slip the dogs of war.

(growling, barking)

(girl) Calling all girls,
we need backup, now!

What about, what about the ring?

Got it!

? ? Oh, come on!

(lock clicks open)

Oh!

(grunting in effort)

(gasping, squealing, thud)

What the...

Huh.

Bye-bye Malibu.

(sighs)

(groans) You have got to be kidding me.

Well, what's... what's this?

Here.

- There's a little note.
- Oh yay!

(paper rustling) Treasure hunter...

Come for naught.

It seems your dreams have fallen short.

For pirate though I may have been,

I ventured for a change of scene.

Resolving too, to change my ways,

From sailing seas to mounting plays.

Writing many, in this room,

With Shakespeare as a nom de plume.

A non de-what?

I think it means...

? ?

No, it can't be.

Pirate Fritton...

...was Shakespeare.

(gasp) (music swells, ?)

Oh... my God.

That means... That
means I'm a Shakespeare.

(crowd applauding, cheering)

Wait wait! (reads) In lieu of gold,

I humbly pray, you'll
kindly take my final play.

(gasps) Oh my God!

(roaring applause)

And while indeed you find it hard

to credit that I was the bard...

the timely truth may now unfurl...

that all the while, I was...

...a girl.

A girl?

Wicked.

(cheering, whistling)

(short of breath)
Shakespeare was a girl.

Oh my God.

The bard is a bird. (gasp)

I love it.

A woman!

A woman wrote the bible!

(shrieks loudly, giggling)

(chatter) No.. it's not...

Shakespeare was a
woman after all this...

Sylvia.

Ciao. Hey.

Yeah, call me in five. Just
finishing something off.

Great. Ciao, ciao.

Hello girls. Remember me?

Course you do.

Congratulations on your little... find.

Finally the Frittons catch up to what
we Pomfrey's have known for generations.

That your celebrated sea-dog...

Was a she-dog.

? ?

(womanly giggle)

May I?

Thanks awfully.

Course we knew this
inconvenient discovery

would turn up sooner or later.

Just had to make sure
we got to it first.

But alls well that ends well.

As the old boot said.

Now we can destroy it.

It's too late, Pomfrey.

You can destroy the play,
but the secret's out.

Shakespeare was a woman
and we will tell the world.

Oh...

You're going to tell on me?

Please don't tell on me!

Oh please don't tell on me!
(snarky laugh) Look at you.

Who's going to believe
a bunch of jumped-up

porkie-telling little
schoolgirls over me?

Okay...

I play tennis with
Sting for Christ's sake.

I mean...

Really.

(exasperated sighs, crying)

(girl) can you hear me?

The girls are on their way.

(Lucy) It's too late.

(whimper, crying)

? ?

? ?

? ?

Au revoir!

Au wiedersehen!

Buggeration.

(girls whimper)

I think I have... like, an idea.

The thing that amuses me
the most, is that these...

...these girls...

...thought that they
could outsmart, well, me!

(ice rattles)

Yes. What I don't quite
understand, sir, is why

Shakespeare had to pretend to
be a man in the first place.

Because, you complete moron...

Back in the good ol' days a
woman couldn't do a man's job.

Except Mrs. Shakespeare.

She did a pretty good job of
being a man, if you ask me.

In fact, I
thi-- - Peters!

- Shut up.
- Yes, sir.

Mmm.

Load of girly drivel.

(lighter flicks) Um...

- Sir!
- Peters!

Yes, I know sir, but
if you would perhaps...

? ?

? ?

Bloody women!

(shouts) Fire!
- Fire!

(flick, boom)

(boom, crash)

(boom, girls yelling)

(loud shouting, Camilla tribal calls)

I'll take that, you ghastly little turd!

Avast!

(laughing maniacally)

? ? (cheering)

Wind power, man.

Told you it was the freaking answer.

(cheering)

Fire! (flick, boom)

(crash, rumble)

(in tandem) Woops.

? ?

? ?

? ?

? ?

I'm here on the banks of
the Thames, waiting for...

Sir Piers Pomfrey. The head
of the corrupt secret society

AD1.

And here he is.

Mr Piers! Having been
exposed as a sexist,

how does it feel to be beaten, and now,

publicly humiliated by a group of girls?

Well... I think
"humiliated" is a bit strong.

Thank you.

? ?

? ?

? ?

(panting)

(song fades out)

? ?