St. Trinian's (2007) - full transcript

This is creepy, Daddy.
Where is everybody?

I'm sure they're all hard at work, darling.

Come on.

This is so unbelievably low rent.

Good afternoon.

We're here to see Miss Fritton.

You're not from Inland Revenue?

No. I'm er...
Camilla's younger brother.

Ooh

You'll have to forgive me.

My brain doesn't kick in till Wednesday
when I've been caning it all weekend.



You know what I mean.

Miss Fritton,
your brother's here to see you.

I can't understand
a word you're saying

I said your brother's here to see you

Carnaby Fritton

No no listen to me very carefully

Why would I buy a picture

from someone of your dubious reputation?

That's what you do, isn't it, Carnaby?

I'll get back to you.

Hello, Camilla.

Mr Darcy, stop that at once.

Go to your happy place.

Carnaby Fritton.



Oh, I haven't heard a word from you
in over 15 years.

I sent flowers.

A wreath...

for Mummy's funeral.

Oh, you must be my lully,
lully niece Annabelle.

You're all clear.

Oh.

So...?your father's PA

tells me you're joining us from
Cheltenham Ladies' College.

For the life of me, I can't understand
why he sent you there.

Yes, I was an utter fool to be taken in
by the excellent teaching standards

and their consistently high performance
in league tables.

In my experience,
the teachers are insufferable snobs,

and the girls are all shits.

Not to worry, my dear.

Here, pupil and teacher
live in blissful harmony.

Daddy.

Daddy you can't expect me
to stay here

It's like Hogwarts for pikeys.

It's a little rough
around the edges, darling.

But that's part of the fun of the place.

Here is a breakdown of the school fees.

Whisky?

There seems to be some kind of mistake.

The Bursar never makes mistakes about money,
unless it's for tax purposes.

But what about...?a family discount?

Family discount!

You discounted the family years ago,
Carnaby Fritton,

when you ruined Great Aunt Millicent
with your hair-brained schemes.

I've done nothing to feel guilty about.

Your father has a short memory
masquerading as a clear conscience.

The fees are 4,000.

1,500.

3,000, take it or leave it.

Let's call it 2,000, cash.

2,500.

- Two and a quarter.
- Two-three.

Two-three, done.

Daddy, you can't leave me here.

Don't be silly, darling.

It'll be half term before you know it.

- Bonne chance!
- Daddy!

Daddy!

Your old man's Roller
looks like it's seen better days.

No.

It's a classic.

Daddy's an expert on the finer things.
He has an art gallery in Mayfair.

I'm Annabelle...

Miss Fritton's niece.

I'll have someone come fetch your bags.

I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.

Kelly Jones.

I'm head girl.

Really?

Welcome to St Trinian's.

What are you bogging at... Ugly Betty?

Know where my bed is?

You saying I nicked your bed?
Is that what you're saying?

I'll give you a slap.

Back off, Taylor.

Go paint your nails.

She who angers you conquers you.

Whatever.

Weirdo.

The Chavs are a bit touchy at the moment.

Oi, are you calling me a chav?

So, I told him...

They run a chatline

and all claim to have slept with
a member of the Royal Family.

When you've dropped that many
US bonds in the market, begin trading...

Refused credit?

Talk to the Geeks

What about this lot? Are they asleep?

Goths.

We're not Goths, we're Emos.

What are Emos?

Emotionally unstable.

First years.

Fulchester's answer to The Sopranos

This is you.

What are they betting on?

How long you'll last.

All right, girls.

We're live on YouTube.

Hm.

Now we'll see what she's made of.

New girl.

- Daddy?
- Hello?

- Sorry, Daddy, did I wake you?
- What is it darling?

I want you to come and pick me up
from this hell hole right now.

I've been broadcast on the Internet.

It's like a schoolgirl
prank that's all

Naked, Daddy!
I want you to get me now.

- Who's that?

Nobody darling I'm tucked up in bed
watching Desperate Housewives

Daddy, are you coming or not?

I'm losing you, darling. Cc-hhh!

Hello? Hello?

Cc-hhh!

Ohh!

Annabelle Fritton!

Uh...?er...

I can't believe what you just did.

I'm sorry, miss.

I don't know what came over me.

I've been looking for someone
with a shot like that.

I'm drafting you into the hockey team
as of today.

He's here.

Bonsoir, nitwits.

Evening. Make it silver.

Well, I um... Love the new packaging, girls.

But what about the problems
we had with the last batch?

Problems, Flash?

Yeah, the slightly bitter aftertaste,

people going blind after the second glass...

that lady what died...

She was old. She could
have gone at any time.

She was 38.

Yeah?

Anoushka. Come here, girl.

- Na zdorovye!
- Abramovich.

Are you all right?

- No problem, Flash.
- We got ourselves a deal, then.

Excellent.

If that's permanent...

I'll see you in court.

Just be aware of that.

Ta-da!

Nice. Wow. What have we here?

It looks lovely, anyway.

Like Christmas. What's this, then?

Like, sweets, is it? A cigar?

Hey, look at me.

- They're tampons, Flash.
- What... Oh!

- Designer tampons.
- Why? Why do you do that?

A woman doesn't only want to look
beautiful on the outside.

I can't sell a product I
don't believe in. Come on.

You wanted a word, Flash?

Ooh, yeah. All right, girls.

Yeah, well, carry on.

Keep at it

Yes. Um...

I was wondering if you could have
a word with the Maths Department.

What's the problem?

They're very keen to place a bet and that,

but they're not so forthcoming when
it comes to squaring it with the bookie,

if you get my drift.

Teachers. Keeping them
in line is a full-time occupation.

Kell, um...

A new Chinese opened in the high street.

Apparently it's handsome.

I wondered if you weren't too busy,
maybe one night this week.

Shoot me down in flames if it's not a good idea,
but I thought we could pop along, the two of us.

- I don't think so, Flash.
- No. Stupid idea.

I don't mix business with pleasure.

And I've got a lot on.

Very busy.

Busy with all my...?gear here, so...

- Nice work on the paint job.
- Night, Flash.

- Auf Wiedersehen, girls.
- See you soon.

Incoming 10 degrees
south possible hostile

Intruder located

First years, into position.

Morning Miss

Oh!

But we still need to pay the staff.

Otherwise they'll go out on strike.

Not now, Bursar.

Miss Fritton, if we don't take
a firm grasp of this situation,

then St Trinian's will have to...

Not now.

Some dosser's just pitched up.

She claims she's our new English teacher
She doesn't look like it

She looks like she hasn't got
a pot to piss in.

- Beverly
- Sorry, Miss Fritton.

She doesn't look like she's got
a pot in which to piss.

That's better

Ah, Miss Fritton,
my references and qualifications.

Oh, my dear, how lovely.

That you made it down the drive
is qualification enough.

I daresay you'll do very well.

The agency tells me you've lost
four English teachers in six months.

Very careless of us.

I expect they'll turn up.

Moorcroft! Tuck that shirt in!

Sorry, Miss.

Muy bien chicas

How do you feel, girls?

- Much better, Miss.
- Anger management. Carry on.

No. No, no, no. You will get paid.

I promise.

Everyone...

I'd like to introduce you to
our new English teacher. Miss Dickinson.

Hello.

Welcome.

You must try my latest concoction.
It's a real beauty.

- I call it The Gerald.
- The Gerald.

After my first husband.

Cheap, bitter and completely alcoholic.

- Have you been drinking again?
- No. no.

Just a little breathless.

Go on. I'm dying to know what you think.

-?I'm teetotal, I'm afraid.

But I do like having fun
as much as the next person.

In fact, I'd love it if we could all
get involved in School Challenge.

TV quiz show.

Popular at my last school

and tremendous fun
for both pupils and teachers.

- Good morning, everyone.
- Morning, Mr Thwaites.

Please, sit.

Now, as you know all too well,

our nation's schools have been blighted
by the false kindness

of namby-pamby, touchy-feely policies
for far too long.

Badly behaved children don't need
an arm around the shoulder.

They need a good kick up the arse.

May we say "shot in the arm" sir?
For the tabloids?

Say what you need to say.
The important thing is what we do.

I intend to start with the worst schools
in the country.

But that would mean St Trinian's, sir.

- What's the matter with him?
- Five years ago he went to...

that place undercover.

He's suffered severe
and recurrent trauma ever since.

Really? From a bunch of naughty schoolgirls?

You wouldn't know, man. You weren't there.

When I overhauled the prison service

I began by tackling the most fractious,
lawless and feared institutions around.

Once I'd dealt with those,
the others simply fell into place.

We'll take the same approach
with St Trinian's.

Be afraid, sir. Be very afraid.

Right. On my command, unleash hell.

- Daddy!
- Hello, darling.

Daddy, look!

They're bloody animals.

Animals! I'm going to kill them!

Try to remember what your
behavioural therapist said. Run along.

We've entered Bedlam.
The very gates of hell.

I don't understand why
you didn't close this place years ago.

Because, Miss Bagstock,
they can change. And they will.

Not this lot. You'd understand
if you met their headmistress.

Between you and I,
she's worse than the children.

A Miss Fritton.

Camilla.

That's right Completely barking mad
Have you heard of her?

Ah, Miss Bagstock.

Your girlish laughter
hit me like the lash of a hunting crop.

Miss Fritton, I don't expect you've met
our new Minister of Education.

- Geoffrey.
- Miss Fritton.

- So you have met?
- University.

We were the toast of the dramatic society.

Oh, Geoffrey.

Another time...

Another Country.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

I've heard that your school is a hotbed
of anarchy, ill-discipline...

Oh.

And your academic results are a disaster.

- So I'm here to help.
- How lovely.

I've got some shelves that need putting up
and the kitchens need a good scrub.

Unsanitary catering facilities.
I'll add that to the list.

You know, I think you'll find
you and I both want the same things.

We just happen to be sitting on
different sides of the table.

Table? Mortuary slab, I'd say, Geoffrey.

You want to straitjacket us
with your limited curriculum,

which has become nothing more than
state-circulated Chinese whispers

and you call it education.

You've changed, Geoffrey.

You haven't.

I think Mr Darcy likes you.

Let it dry, and then a good stiff brush.

Oh, my God. It's Verity Thwaites.
She's a total psycho.

Come on Cheltenham Ladies
Show them what you're made of

The important thing is not to provoke her.

Who let the dogs out?
Who? Who? Who-who?

Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who-who?

Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who-who?

So, what do you think of my girls?

- Hawes!
- I beg your pardon?

Jemma Hawes, pull your socks up.
You're a Cheltenham Lady.

I'm sure your girls
will try their very best.

But It's not the winning that matters.
It's the taking part that counts.

Snooty cow.

Sorry?

Emily Snooty-Cow, do remember to stretch.

Jolly good. Jolly good.

Girls!

Look who it is.

It's Annabelle the Cannibal.

What's that all about?

I used to eat people.

What?

I used to have braces
and bits of food got stuck in them.

Nice.

OK, girls, let's play clean.

No biting, scratching, kicking.

No gouging.

No head butting no punching

No slapping, spitting. No um...

No gouging.

And um...?no non-regulation equipment.

Janey, I'm talking to you.

OK, into position.

Come on, girls, let's take them down.

Ooh!

On you go, Matron.

Right you are.

You do know the rules, don't you?

Nope.

Oh.

- Good shot!
- Yes!

Yes!

- Barbed wire?
- Check.

- Crowbar?
- Check.

- Wheel clamp.
- Check.

- Follow the tools girls
- Wait for me.

Hurry up slow coach

- He didn't?
- He did!

It was just so disgusting.

It was still quite funny.

But then I said to him, "You didn't?"

And he said, "I did."

- He didn't?
- He did. Just imagine!

Posh Totty.

Hello, big boy.

Shoo, shoo, shoo. Shoo.

I'm wearing my school uniform, silly.

Although, I'm about to get changed
into my gym kit.

I did really well in my last oral

Although I did find it a bit
of a mouthful at first

But Miss says if I practise
as often as I can

I could become Head Girl.

We're onto you, so watch your backs!

Feel the fear. We're maniacs!

St Trinian's!

M- A-N-I-A-C. St Trinian's!

Look out.

Don't Give Up

Does anybody have any smelling salts?

No, but I've got poppers.

Go, girlie! Go, girlie!

Fair play.

Girlie, girlie, girlie! Ha-ha!

I know it's very hard Charles

and most of the girls hate it

but I really like Greek

Charles? Charles?

Are you there?

What's that?

Is that yours?

You wouldn't know the way to
the hockey pitch, would you?

Wargh!

Short corner to St Trinian's.

Go!

You're dead.

Yes!

Geoffrey, where on earth have you been?

You're running quite an exotic
establishment here, Miss Fritton.

- What a lovely thing to say.
- What have they done to you?

I quite agree. The best team did win.

I suppose the lesson is,
don't mess with St Trinian's.

We do play a little rough.

We can all play rough, Camilla.

Maybe we'll be seeing a little more
of one another.

I'll make sure of it.

Ah!

Beverly. Beverly.

Ow!

Beverly, would you like to offer
this gentleman something to drink?

Sorry, how rude of me.

I'm...?I'm afraid after last night
we've only got Smirnoff.

- Tea, Beverly.
- Or tea.

Yeah, sorry. Tea, tea, tea...

We're not here to drink tea, Miss Fritton.

You owe the bank over ?500,000.

Aren't you lucky?
Christmas bonuses all round, I expect.

Because of your decision to ignore
our six previous final demands,

I am forced to serve you with this
foreclosure notice.

Final demand? How can there be
more than one final demand?

Which is the final, final demand?

I can't believe you haven't
told me about this.

Well, actually, I did try to tell you.

Not now, Bursar. Beverly, where's that tea?

You can't just pull the plug on us, like
some underperforming hairdressing salon.

This is an institution of learning, sir,
and I have a duty of care.

I don't answer to you, I answer to my girls.

Girls who find shelter in no other schools.

A bunch of delinquents
and playground terrorists.

One man's terrorist is
another woman's freedom fighter, Mr...

Bank Manager.

You have four weeks to repay
the outstanding balance...

or this school...

is declared officially bankrupt.

Tea.

Houston, we have a problem.

Quiet, everyone!

St Trinian's is closing down.

We're facing the biggest crisis of our lives
and you're behaving like bloody children.

If this place closes down,
we have to go to other schools,

and by that I mean normal schools.

Thank you, Matron.

Mm... Oh...

A dark cloud hangs over the school, Beverly.

I know all about that one, Miss Fritton.

Sits on top of me every Monday
when I'm on a comedown.

Do you know what you've got to do?

You gotta get your serotonin levels
back in whack.

Red ones bring you up
and blue ones bring you down.

I believe in a healthy balance.
I'll have one of each.

Thank you.

Mm. Delicious.

- Oh, darling!
- Daddy! I'll get my stuff and we'll go.

- What?
- That's why you're here, isn't it?

No, we'll...?talk later, darling. Milla.

Oi.

You might wanna see this.

A boutique hotel?
But this is my school, Carnaby.

The bank's school, Camilla.
And when they shut you down,

you will have lost everything...
and more importantly, so will I.

The good news is I've a pal property

Oh Milla do listen

I think I've come up with a solution
that could benefit us both

If we move fast, sell the place now,

we can repay the debt and er...
split the profits.

Looks like your old man's
selling us down the river.

No. Daddy wouldn't do anything like that.

What about the girls?

What would happen to my dear girls?

You can stop the Miss Jean Brodie act,
now, Milla. It's me you're talking to.

- What about Annabelle?
- I don't know what to make of that girl

A bit of a drip if you ask me

I sometimes wonder
if she's actually mine

Still a daddy's girl, eh?

You're wrong about her Carnaby

In there there's a Fritton

She's got the true family stripe
which is more than I can say about you

- You snake in the grass
- Let's face it little sister

This dump is history

- Oh

It's no use relying on the grown-ups.

We need to sort this out ourselves.

Now, the subject of today's lesson is crime.

Yeah? All right? You're liking me now.

So for every need there is a misdeed

And what our need is,
in this particular instance, girls,

is to get our hands on half a bar.

That's half a million pounds
for you little ladies

Any ideas? Who's got an idea?

Anyone? Yes?

Shut up! You!

- What about extortion?
- Excellent. Well done.

Yes.

Brilliant Extortion

Now, I know a lot of people think
the old, "Give me your money or else,"

is a bit old hat, but it's a classic,
it's perennial, possible.

Good work. Now who
else has got any ideas?

- Go on, Celia.
- Confidence trickery.

Confidence trickery. Excellent!

- Credit card fraud.
- Credit card fraud

- Kidnapping, Flash.
- Kidnapping!

That is more like it. Kid...?napping!

So, we take a rich man's wife...

- Excellent.
Cut off her ear...

and then send it to him special delivery.

And then...?we just keep chopping...

bits of her off...

until he pays the ransom.

You shouldn't be laughing at that.
That is too much evil.

You should see a counsellor.
Don't leave her on her own.

Come in, don't loiter in the doorway.

I didn't know you painted, Auntie.

Miss.

Just having a little bit of "me"? time.

Once upon a time
I used to think of it as a career.

It's jolly good.
Did you sell many paintings?

Not under my own name.

I took it up when I was recovering
from a broken heart.

We Fritton women are made of sturdy stuff

but we do need an emotional outlet,
don't we, dear?

Hit me. Come on, girlie, hit me!

Come on, come on.

- Come on, girlie, girlie!
- I can't!

You can. Let out your frustrations.

Inhale your anger
and let it all out with a good right hook.

Go on.

I see.

Turn your mind to something or someone
who really makes your blood boil. Hm?

A snake in the grass
who betrays his family ties

as easily as he betrays his word.

An unconscionable shit.
A complete and utter...

Oh...

Welcome to the fold, girlie.

Help your old auntie up.

Rah!

Oh, poor girl.
Let's have a whisky.

Come on, ladies, we need to think big.
Open your minds real wide.

You gotta search
for the criminal inside yourself. Yes!

Theft.

Theft. Finally. Now you're talking.

Excellent Theft

- Good work.
- Bank of England?

Bank of England too big.

- Woolworths.
- Too small. Just sweets.

Come on, think about it. I'm telling you...

If you don't use your noggins,
we ain't gonna get this dough together.

I see erm... Yes... Kelly.

What about that?

Oh, my God!

You want to steal Scarlett Johansson?

You are so blonde, Chelsea.

That is one of the most
valuable paintings in the world.

And it is here now.

We steal it and then we fence it.

You'd be able to flog it for us, Flash,
wouldn't you?

Well, erm...

It's probably a bit out of my league, Kel.

Number 7.

The Heist.

Girls, it's time we organised a school trip.

Girls, please. Remember we have
the school's reputation to uphold.

Oi.

Bingo.

Wow.

You can so see why
Colin Firth wanted to shag her.

Yeah, but you could spruce it up with
a dash of colour and some accessories.

I'm thinking, lose the earrings
and go for some big gold hoops.

Ciao-ciao.

- So?
- OK.

They've got 28 CCTV cameras
on separate circuits.

Four shifts of 12 armed guards
patrol the galleries 24 hours a day.

Pressure alarms, invisible random lasers,

and hydraulically-operated
reinforced steel shutters.

Golly!

- So?
- We're talking Mission: Impossible.

- That's a no?
- lf Tom Cruise can do it, so can we.

Yeah, yeah, but the real problem is,
how do we get into the building?

We need some kind of cover

Any bright ideas?

So, are we good?

It's such a pity none of you want to give
School Challenge a shot.

It would be so much fun.

I only mention it because
the final takes place right here.

What did you say?
- The final will be televised here.

In the Grand Hall.

The location: Trafalgar Square.

The target: National Gallery.

This is where our trailer base is.

- And the distance?
- 114 metres.

OK, let's get animated.

So here we are...
one of the world's busiest squares

And Big Brother will
definitely be watching us

with a surveillance camera
on every wall

and security guards at every turn

So we use the trailer as cover
and take the sewers

- Nasty.
- Who's that?

- Ha-ha! Taylor.
- What?

Why me?

I don't know what you're looking
so pleased about, Andrea.

- You're coming as well.
- Shut up!

Me and the Corpse Bride? I don't think so.

Drop the attitude, Taylor.

- Polly
- Now...

When you get in the sewers,
you have to get through these iron gates.

Eugh!

We have double chemistry tomorrow.

We'll start on the explosives.
- Good work.

Once inside, you'll make your way
through to the balcony,

which overlooks the Grand Hall.

Then you take the zip wire
over the audience,

while the show is being recorded.

It's like 10 metres high.

11,3 actually

So after we've got through the rank sewers,
iron gates, security guards...

And then we've done a live wire act
over the audience,

I suppose you want us to swim
the Channel, and then...

climb a mountain...
as well!

No. You just have to get through these.

Invisible random lasers

with pressure alarms that trigger
hydraulically-operated steel shutters.

All sounds frightfully exciting, doesn't it?

As for the explosives, girls,

I'd go for RD X rather than Trinitrotoluene.

There's nothing worse than rogue C-4.

Yes, Miss.

But all this will be a complete waste
of time unless we get to the Final

Oh, God, yeah.

So, girls...?how do you plan to get us there?

That's not a problem.

Get yourself on camera
and the world can be your oyster

One day you're on School Challenge,
the next it's Love Island.

Soon you've married a footballer
and bought the Bahamas.

But easy, now, girls,
because if you don't take that moment,

blink...?and it's back to obscurity.

Oi, girls. Jog on.

- So who...
- J J French.

Our last Head Girl, now turned PR guru.

People want soap opera.

They want to know how to get your look.
What diet you're on.

They want to know all about
your broken hearts

and your fashion disasters.

But keep them talking, that's the game.

That's genius.

Then why isn't everybody famous?

Because they don't have me.

You need to play an angle.

Look at Liz Hurley.
She wore that dress and what happened?

An acting career, her own clothing line

and a 15-page wedding in Hello! magazine.

Now that's genius.

OK, so here's a little tip
I learned from Paris.

- Hilton?
- France.

Put on a pair of YSL's and the whole world
will think you're a total brainiac.

You are welcome to join us
on our quizzical quest

to find the brightest of sparks,
the smartest of alecks,

the very pluperfect of pupils

in this year's battle to find
the champions of School Challenge.

On my right in the red corner
we have Ampleforth College

And on my left in the blue corner
it's Peaches Chelsea and Chloe

from St Trinian's!

What term is applied to a restraint
on the expansion of an economy

as a result of governmental
taxation policy

whereby a rise in inflation
causes a larger proportion

of wage earners' income
to be paid in tax?

Chelsea, St Trinian's.

Fiscal drag.

Fiscal drag is the right answer.

Well done. Five points.

Which Roman poet...

Peaches, St Trinian's.

Ovid.

Ovid is the answer I have on the card.

Who wrote...

Charles Dickens.

Is the right answer. Well,
I'm sorry, Ampleforth,

you're up against a team
at the very top of their form.

Quickly.

Which Tchaikovsky overture

1812.

Is the correct answer.

There goes the school bell

with the scores standing at

which means, I'm sorry to say,
Ampleforth College,

we have to bid farewell to you.

Loser! Loser!

Loser!

So...

how are we going to beat Bedales?

Magic

The kind you get in mushrooms.

- Hi
- Hi.

Anyone for camomile tea?

- Yes.
- Thanks.

In which Shakespeare play would you
find the following stage directions:

- Exit, pursued by a bear... ??

Yes. Chas. Bedales.

Was it Winnie the Pooh?

Caspar...

- Are you buzzing, Caspar?
- Oh, yeah.

You've had your chance

You've buzzed... What are you doing?

What are you doing? Chas! I'm being touched.

Derek, I'm being touched. Derek!

Sure, just sign the deal and I'll make
sure she says the brand live on air.

- Apple
- Apple is the right answer

Know-it
... all nymphets from St Trinian's

Oh, come on, Eton.
I'm going to have to hurry you.

No, it's gone.

And so has the bell!

And er...?on that note,
I'm afraid we leave Eton...

and congratulate our glorious
and glamorous victresses,

who will go on next week

to the grand final to meet
Cheltenham Ladies' College

It is of course St Trinian's

Are we going to close down St Trinian's?

No they're more use to us alive

You see, as things stand, they're
the perfect symbol of misguided youth.

They're a beacon of ill-discipline
in need of correction.

I'm going to make an example of them.
I'll break their spirit.

They will conform.

It's time the world saw
what we've been dealing with.

Show them the problem...then fix it.

The press pack is panting, Peter.

It's time we let them loose.

Hang on.

You want me, a man of my calibre...

just to...?bowl into some gallery in London,

waltz up to your old man

and offer to flog him a Vermeer
for half a bar?

It won't be you. It will be this guy.

Gerhard Von Strubel,
the most elusive art dealer in the world.

You want me to pretend to be some...

art bloke?

They've never met,

but my father would do anything
to do business with him.

No, I'm sorry, I don't fancy it. No.

What's wrong?

Not up to it, Flash?

I told you, Annabelle.

Hold on, hold on.
I didn't say I wouldn't do it.

Come on, give us a look at it.
I'll give anything a try once.

So, erm...

What's he like, then, this von Strubel mug?

- He's a count.
- He sounds like one!

No, he's posh. I can do posh, look.

Oh, la-di-dah! Shall we go hunting?

But can you do German?

Yeah, of course I can. Ah, mon freuer...

Strindberg Wiederkind
J?rgen Klinsmann

It'll be all right on the night.
Just give me a little bit of time.

What's he erm... What's he look like?

Well, all I've heard is
that he's successful...

erudite and handsome.

Oh, I almost forgot.
He's also very, very gay.

Scramble! Black Eagle, one o'clock!

Ready to make the front pages, Minister?

Peter, the only things
the public wants to read about

are mayhem, misery and disaster.

So we'll be fine.

Thank you for coming, gentlemen, ladies.

What you're about to witness
is the disgraceful result

of 15 years of political indifference.

Schools like this one are weeds.

Long neglected, they've been
allowed to grow wild and unruly.

- And you're the weedkiller, Minister?
- I like it, Denise.

Code Red!

Code Red!

People have often criticised my methods.

They say I'm too aggressive,
hard-line, whatever.

But what I'm about to show you...

is the appalling alternative.

It looks rather pleasant, if you ask me.

You were only supposed
to blow the bloody doors off.

Minister! Minister?

Code Red!

Morning.

...?are you lot from Inland Revenue?

No.

Phew!

Quickly, quickly.

Ready?

When the sixth hour was come,
there was a darkness over...

How can I help you?

And some of them stood by
when they heard the saint

They're bound to slip up sooner or later.

Christ! He's coming this way!

We're never gonna make it!

Who are you?

I know your daughter.

You're friends with Verity?

I was at Cheltenham with her.

She was the school bully
and I was one of her favourite victims.

Really?

So Minister your daughter
was the school bully

And what's it like being at St Trinian's?

Oh, it's like...

one big, happy...
if slightly dysfunctional... family.

A bastard profanes the English throne

The generous Britons
are cheated by a juggler.

Geoffrey What a surprise!

What's going on, Miss Fritton?

The girls are hard at work,

and their headmistress
is rehearsing the role of a lifetime.

Don't you think I make a remarkable queen?

You're up to something,
and I will get to the bottom of it.

I will expose you.

Well, you'll have to at least
buy me dinner first.

Oh, Geoffrey.

Oh, not again.

Aar-rooo!

Not quite the headline
we had in mind, Minister.

You've had this coming
since the day you arrived, Fritton.

What are you going to do to me?

Give you a makeover, silly.

3 Spoons Of Suga

Like a St Trinian.

Ah, Lavinia.

Are you tempted by our caped crusader?

Gah! Why is it that the first face I see

is not only the handsomest face in this room

but also the very face
I came here to talk to?

It must be fate.

You are?

German.

Whereabouts in Germany?

Bayern Munich.

That's a football team.

Yes...?and I am their number one fan.

Please, don't go.
I didn't mean to offend you.

It's just...?I get very lonely being German.

And a bigwig in the art world.

- I imagine.
- And gay.

- Would you...
- Ohh!

Whoopsie-daisy! Gerhard, Gerhard, Gerhard!

Oh, my God.

You're not Count Gerhard von...

Sshh, please!

I'm trying to keep a low profile.

One of the great masterpieces has just
become available on the black market.

Which masterpiece are you talking about?

Well, it's actually rather a big deal.

A little out of your league, perhaps.

Perhaps it's something you'd er...

prefer to discuss over dinner.

What?

Well, you said how... Lonely you are.

We could er...?spend some time together.

A nice candlelit dinner,

a stroll along the beach...

just the two of us...

barefoot in the surf.

And then...

back to my place.

Or I could just...?tell you now.

- Oh, yes, OK.
- Good, it's better.

The masterpiece is the...

The Girl With The Pearl Earring.

Really?

The ultimate price was paid by one...

who laid down his life...

for his sisters and his school.

No greater love hath any dog...

than this.

I'm sorry.

This one's for Mr Darcy!

On My Way To Satisfaction

Minister?

This school you very publicly condemned
is now in the final of School Challenge.

A little embarrassing for your department
is it not? Like to comment?

No, Denise, I wouldn't.

I'm here in a private capacity
to support my daughter's school.

No more photos now, please, gentlemen.

One question.

Excuse, can I just...

I'm sorry, you can't go in there.

What? But l...

The team's going through
some intense preparations.

Eurgh!

OK. Picture's up.

Tania, what are you doing?

You're 10.

And you're carrying high explosives.

It's not what you think, Kell.

It's for the smell.

We saw it on CSI.

Oh.

Good luck, girls.

- Annabelle?
- Wait for it.

Hello and welcome to no less an institution
than the National Gallery,

in London itself

where we're proud to welcome you to
the grand final of School Challenge.

OK. Now.

Girls? Girls, hello.

What's happened?

Come in, come in. Speak to me.

- Oh look

That was wicked.

OK, girls, let's rock'n'roll.

I love what you've done
with the place

There's no time for this. Concentrate.

Who was burned at the stake for
the crime of wearing men's clothes?

Peaches. St Trinian's.

Joan of Arc.

Joe Nafark.

Joan of Arc is the right answer.
Five points to St Trinian's.

Plenty of time yet ladies
from Cheltenham

OK, it looks like you're clear.

What's happening?

Speak to me.

What are you doing here?

We got stuck in the toilet.

We thought our mummy
would come and get us but nobody did.

We were scared.

You're safe now. Come on.

Come on.

Which Latin phrase defines
the common-law legal action or writ

which is the means by which
detainees can seek relief

from unlawful imprisonment?

Yes! Chelsea, St Trinian's.

Is it...?um...

I think it might possibly be...

Um...

Habeas corpus.

Habeas corpus is the right answer.
They are on fire, Cheltenham.

A great English novel, published in 1813,

was originally said to be entitled
First Impressions

It's better known by another title
Can you give me that title please?

Chelsea. St Trinian's.

Pride and

Ow!

That was more painful than a Brazilian wax.

Brazilian wax? Is that your answer?
Pride And Brazilian Wax?

No! No, um...

We need more cover.

Medusa.

Medusa is the right answer. Well done.

Jolly good!

I'm not sure why you're cheering
quite so enthusiastically.

Your school is not doing
too well at the moment.

- Go on.
- I don't want to go.

Get out of the way, Morticia.

I'm scared of heights.

OK. I'm coming.

No. One at a time.

Go back.

Come on. Quick.

Now maths How are we on maths girls?

What is the volume of a sphere?

Yes, Peaches. You got there first.

Quite loud.

You're barking up the wrong tree there.

Not quite what we mean by "volume"

Any idea? Jemima yes?

- Pi R cubed.
- Pi times the radius cubed

- It is Pi R cubed
- Bursar.

I've always been rather good at figures.

Literature Let's see how we do here

She made her first appearance
as a young girl the novel

L'Assommoir by Emile Zola.

Yes. Chelsea, St Trinian's.

Kylie.

No, it isn't Kylie.

Yes, please, Antonia.

That would be Nana.

Nana is the right answer.

St Trinian's lagging
after a wonderful start on 45 points

to Cheltenham's 120

We'll take those scores
into school break time.

Milk and buns for us,
hopscotch in the playground for you.

See you later.

This is not happening.

Chelsea! You can't leave!

You all right, babes?

I just wonder if I'm wasting myself
doing this platitudinous drivel.

Is this all there is?

That'll be your serotonin levels.

Here. I've got summat for you.

Red ones bring you up,
blue ones bring you down.

Go for your life.

Oh...

Wait Chelsea wait

No way.
There is no way I am going back in there.

- What's wrong, Chelsea?
- Our earpieces have stopped working.

Earpieces?

That's how we were getting
the answers. Unnnh!

If you walk out now,
this whole thing goes up in smoke.

Every offer we've had
over the last six weeks will vanish.

No more Big Brother.
No more Project Catwalk.

No more Celebrity Love Island.

You've been cheating.

Just one moment, Chelsea Parker.

I've been watching you, you little madam...

with your girlish wiles
and your...?saucy ways.

And now, it seems, your criminal cunning.

You know what you are, don't you?

A washed-up slapper.

- Smart.
- Huh?

Smarter than you think.

I am?

And smart is cool.

- It is?
- Yes.

And very, very sexy.

Really?

We're going to be back on in 30 seconds, OK?

- Where's Stephen?
- He's here He's here He's here

I know he's here, because...?I am he.

Oh, my darling lady girls.
Welcome back, welcome back.

It's the kind of glorious evening,
isn't it, gentle boys and all...

It's the kind of evening

where you want to gather
every known numpty in the universe

and clutch them to your bosom.

Let's get straight down to it.

Let's do it and get straight down to it.

Let's do it, let's do it,
let's do it, let's do it now.

Ladies and gentlemen first question

It's another fruit. We had a fruit earlier...
we've got another fruit now.

This question is which
native Brazilian tropical fruit

bears the Latin name ananas comosus?

Pawpaw. It's the pawpaw.

St Trinian's Chelsea

Pawpaw. Pawpaw!

Pawpaw! Pawpaw! Pawpaw!

Is it pineapple?

No!

It is pineapple.

- Five points to St Trinian's
- Good.

OK. Well done.

I don't know who St Trinian was

but he was watching over you then

Congratulations you're back on form

So fingers back on buzzers please

...hello?
hello will do

We've got a problem.

Thwaites is onto us.

Buggeration!

What is the capital of Burkina Faso?

Yes?

Chloe

Ouagadougou.

Ouagadougou is the right answer.

Well done, Chloe. Congratulations.

I had a boyfriend from there.

Another five points to St Trinian's
This is getting exciting

Geoffrey!

You know, when I was in the prison system,

I encountered some
of the country's top felons,

but your girls really are
in a whole other league.

They are the crème de la crème.

What did I tell you?

Don't tell me. Tell it to the judge.

Oh, I've met some hard-boiled men
in my time,

but...?you are 20 minutes.

One last drink... for old times' sake?

I don't think so.

Geoffrey, where did it all go wrong?

You and I...

Where did it go wrong?

Was I...?too fickle, too...?fanciful?

Too... much for you?

Maybe I will have that drink.

Down here!

Wait for me.

Let's dance.

You've put me in a very
difficult position, Milla.

Whereas on the one hand,
it's my sovereign duty to...

to turn you in. On. Over.

On the other hand, the second hand.
Ticktock.

You're so...

- So...
- Intelligent?

Fragrant?

- Dangerous?
- Odd.

I mean, you always have been.

Cat's in the bag and the bag's in the river.

Everyone, we have lift-off!

I'm sorry, Camilla,
but as you well know, I am a hard...

I'm a hard...

What am I?
...?liner.

I'm a hardliner,
which means I'm hard and a liner.

Had a dog called Linus once.

Linus!

Here, boy.

Linus! Here boy!

Linus!

I thought the world of that dog.

I loved that dog.

Camilla.

What I'm trying to tell you...

is that you...

you remind me of Linus.

Woof, woof.

Three minutes till the end of the show.

You've gotta get back pronto

What are you doing?

I couldn't stay there on my own.

In Greek mythology, of Hercules...

- OK, don't panic.
- Panic?

You can do it
...you're nearly there

And I know now
that it's time for the final question.

And looking at the scores...

- Kelly listen to me
- What am I meant to do?

Get back now. Right now.

Or we're history

. 140 points. For the first time
in School Challenge we have a tie

as we go into the final question

All the sweating, all the heartache,
all the dreams, the hopes, ambitions,

the revising the swotting

it's all come down to this moment.

I'm sorry. It's a side effect
of my raisin and Ryvita diet.

Contrary to popular opinion,
better in than out.

And so, ladies and gentlemen,

the final question... the decider.

Fingers on buzzers.
Which substance is believed to have

such strong aphrodisiac properties

that the Aztecs forbad women

from consuming it.

Thwaites Junior is onto us.

She'll blow the whole thing...
we've got to stop her

- I'll handle this.
- But, Annabelle...

- Annabelle.
- She's mine.

Annabelle come in!

Chelsea, St Trinian's.

Thwaites.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to bring you down, Fritton.

You and your vulgar little school.

I have to hurry you, Chelsea.
If you buzz you must answer straightaway.

Is it chocolate?

You do know I'm faster than you.

Annabelle? Annabelle come in

Annabelle

Urgh!

Chocolate? Is that your answer?

Er...

Yes, it is.

Time for a little prayer.

Is the right answer!

Yes!

Which means this year's champions
are St Trinian's School.

I'm so happy.

Yes! Yes!

Yes, Bursar!

Yeah!

Camilla, erm...

Last night, what happened?
I don't remember anything.

I'm sorry, Geoffrey.

I'm afraid I had to slip you
a little something.

And then...

you returned the favour.

Oh, God, you didn't, did you?

Well not exactly

- Now, listen, Camilla, I can't...
- Oh, shut up, Geoffrey.

Just kiss me.

Love Is A Many Splendoured Thing

What the?

What took you so long?

More now on that breaking news story.

In an extraordinary turn of events,

the priceless painting that was stolen
last night from the National Gallery

has been recovered.

Vermeer's Girl With A Pearl Earring

was found by a group of schoolgirls
in a changing room of Harvey Nichols.

We can go live now to St Trinian's School

where our reporter Denise Stephenson

is with the chairman of the National Gallery

waiting to give the girls a reward.

It gives me great pleasure
to present this award

to the girls of St Trinian's

who are model citizens,
an example to young people everywhere.

And here they are now.

How does it feel to be a role model?

We've been unable to contact
Education Minister Geoffrey Thwaites...

- There he is!
- He's up there.

Come on, Minister.

Love Is In The Air

There's something
about you tonight, Camilla.

Yes, it is Geoffrey.

- Geoffrey!

- Do it again.

You love it, you saucy minx.

Fame Academy, here we come.

Not there, please, Geoffrey.

- More rhythm.
- Slow down, Camilla.

For God's sake, slow down.
Give a man a chance.

Give it more rhythm, more rhythm.
Go on. Go on!

I love it when you look at me like that.

Come on, Geoffrey,
let's not ruin the chorus.

- Here we go. One, two...
- One, two...

One, two, three, four!