St. Elmo's Fire (1985) - full transcript

Excuse me, ma'am. Wendy Beamish and
William Hicks. They were in a car accident.

See the officer about that.
Good evening, officer.

I'm Alec Newbary with
Congressman Langston's office.

If I can be of any assistance...

- Congressman who?
- Langston.

Clear, please.

They're dead, aren't they?

Hi, you guys.
Wendy.

Wendy. You okay?
I'm fine.

I'm fine.

The car my dad got me
for graduation is totalled.



Go find Billy.
See if you can sober him up.

He almost killed you, destroys
your car, and you're paying?

Jules, please.

Is that your date?
No. That is.

We're dealing with a
first-time offender here, officer.

Now, since Miss Beamish doesn't wanna press
charges, what do you say we let this one slide?

Forget it, counsellor.

I wouldn't strike a match
near his blood.

Hey.

Okay, you're under arrest.
Watch the sax.

Do you believe in premarital sax?

May I assume the
accident left you injury-free?

Billy, four months
after graduation

and you're still acting like
every night's a frat party.



Aren't you even a little bit
concerned about Wendy?

How bad is it?
Severe.

She might have finally exceeded
the limit on her father's Visa.

Ba-dum-bum.

You're being arrested
for drunk driving.

Drunk, definitely. I don't know
if you can call it driving.

Are you okay?
I'm fine.

I'm sorry, Wendy.

We'll be right behind you.

Alec, I've got a lot of cash.

Dale?

Dale Biberman.

You don't remember me, do you?
I do, but I'm trying to place...

Kirby Keger.

You were a senior when
I started Georgetown.

Right. Kirby.
How are you?

I graduated.
I always knew you would.

And I'm a lawyer.

Well, I mean, I'm a waiter
studying to become a lawyer.

Dale Biberman. I cannot believe it.
Still like Woody Allen movies?

I've gotta go.
Nice seeing you.

Don't you worry.
Everything's gonna be all right.

Hey, thanks for bailing me out.
Again.

When are you two
gonna get a new car,

one that truly expresses your lifestyle
as the perfect couple?

Not everyone got recruited out of school
into international banking, moneybags.

Besides, my mom and dad gave me the car.
I think I was conceived in the back seat.

It's still sticky.

Oh, God. Wait till my father
hears the car is totalled.

Wally, you let undergraduate
punks sit at our table?

Relax. Only been there for 10 minutes.
We've been here four years!

Kirbo, come here.
Where have you been?

You leave at the busiest time
of the night. Where'd you go?

- To the hospital, Wally.
- What?

To the hospital.
What, are you sick?

No, it was an emergency.

You could have at least
told me you were leaving.

What are you gonna do, fire me?

No, I fired you last Tuesday.

Blinding white light.
Skid.

Tree.

Impact. I was out of hand! It was
a metaphysical precision collision.

Wow.

Was it beautiful
for you too, Wendy?

Somebody get me a screwdriver.
And a hammer.

Huh-huh-huh.

Of course, you do know what it means to have a
suspended licence for drunk driving on your record?

Yeah, it means
I'll never be a cop in D.C.

Wally!

- Hi, Wal.
- Betrayed.

So you're not angry?
No, I'm not angry.

Never trust a woman
who says she isn't angry.

Tell me about it.
I'm not angry.

You're the one who's
so angry these days.

I thought writing for the paper
would make you happy.

- Maybe you should call your wife.
- I'll tell you something, Jules.

Writing obituaries isn't writing.
All my characters die in the end.

I'd like to write something about the
meaning of life for a change, you know?

You'll get a chance, Kevin.
Don't hold your breath.

- Tommy.
- Who's that?

Tommy Bancroft. Senator Hodges'
key guy. I want you to meet him.

And to be impressive.
Oh, yes, sir.

The meaning of life,
Kevin, is fun, good times,

a little H-U-M-O-R.

Don't you enjoy anything
anymore? Like girls?

I enjoy being afraid of Russia. It's a harmless
fear, but it makes America feel better.

Russia gets an inflated sense of
national worth from our paranoia.

How's that?
Good.

Good. I have to check in
with the death squad now.

Did you see her at the hospital?
Who?

Dale Biberman.
Who?

No, I said I'm sorry
I woke the baby.

Well, I kind of got
in an accident.

I know I don't have any
insurance. Just stop shouting.

I need the phone.

- You gonna ask if I'm okay?
- Give me the phone.

Kevin's here. He says
he wants to say hello.

Hi, Felicia.
How you doing?

Me? Oh, you know,
it ain't easy being me.

Will you both give Billy a break?
He lost his job today.

Poor thing.

He lost the job Alec got for him?
Yeah.

Did you give him any money?
A little.

Wendy!

I thought you were gonna definitely take steps to
cut out everything that wasn't working in your life.

Doesn't leave much.

I better break this to Alec gently.

- Hi, Leslie.
- Hi, Les, how you doing?

You know this thing with you
and Billy is way too destructive.

Life in the fat lane.
Wendy, you're not fat.

My thighs are fat.
No diet works.

Only way to lose weight
in your thighs is amputation.

What you need to amputate
is Billy the Kid.

I know.
I know, but I can't.

I don't get it.
Me neither.

How about we cut out of here?

Well, yeah, but I came
with some girlfriends.

Look, this face seats five.

Excuse me.

Could I see you
in the men's room, please?

Sure. Wait,
it'll just be a second.

Alec. Alec!

Excuse me.

What?
Step into my office.

A little pick-me-up?

All right.

Why didn't you tell me
you lost another job?

For some insane reason,
I thought you might take it badly.

- Don't drown him. He's a father.
- That's right. You're a father.

When are you gonna grow up?

Oh, like this is real mature, Al.
I just get angry

because you're putting so
much pressure on the rest of us.

Working for Sen. Pomerantz
wasn't for me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's all right. The wet look is in.

Asshole.
That's Mr. Asshole to you.

How come they put ice in urinals?

- Tastes better.
- Ba-dum-bum.

If we could find the money, it would
be better to get a longer sofa.

Tommy Bancroft said I could work
on the weekends for Hodges.

It's a step up.

Isn't Hodges a Republican?
Oh, my God. You're right.

Whatever happened to that Alec Newbary
political conviction I fell in love with?

Well, working for a Republican
senator pays a lot more

than working for
a Democratic congressman.

We could get the longer sofa,
and we could get married.

Married? We just moved in together.
I know. It's great, isn't it?

We're not ready yet.
Oh, I am ready.

You're always ready.

I'm gonna get you a red,
lacy baby doll nightgown.

Alec, I'm very happy in your old
pyjamas, thank you very much.

I'm happy when you're
out of my old pyjamas,

thank you very much.

Oh, come on.
You don't need that thing.

We're getting married soon, let's take
a chance, play some Russian roulette.

And guess who has to carry
the bullet around for nine months?

Senator Hodges?

Right.

Jules.

So this scuzzy
welfare hospital calls me.

Remember my father's
second wife? My step-monster?

The one who used to lock you
in the closet every time you cried?

Yeah. She gambled away all
the money she got out of my father,

is on her deathbed and puts
me down as her next of kin.

What about your father?

Oh, he's in South Africa
somewhere with his new wife.

Who, it turns out, is just
three years older than I am.

If I don't get in touch with him, guess who's
gonna be stuck paying for this old witch's funeral.

Is there some insane
irony to this or what?

Thanks, Alec.

Alec is becoming a Republican, and
he wants to get married. Oh, my God.

I always knew he was a Republican.
What should I do?

I think you should have another shot.
I think so too.

Besides, you two were the couple always most
likely to couple, and don't you forget it.

Yes, I'm sure your father will
take care of everything.

Yes, just like he takes care
of everything else.

You're always coming to
my rescue. What can I say?

Far be it from me to come
between two old roommates.

Good night.

Good night.
Thanks, guys.

How do you feel about
box springs?

Quick, what's the meaning of life?
Dale Biberman.

Who?

Dale Biberman. Didn't you
see her at the hospital tonight?

She's the girl that I was madly in
love with when we were freshmen.

Okay, okay. She's about yea
tall. Long, dark hair, beautiful face.

Okay, okay. Remember that big fountain?
The one on main campus that says:

"Knowledge, Art, Religion, Life"?

The day that we were walking past
that, she was sitting on the "Life" side,

and she just smiled at me.

What are you talking about?
You took her to one movie.

Kevin, there are several
quintessential moments in a man's life:

Losing his virginity,
getting married, becoming a father,

and having
the right girl smile at you.

I'm not gonna live through another
year of finding your poorly written,

unmailed love-scratchings
around this house.

Zing. I have
her hospital schedule.

It's true love, my friend.
Love. You know what love is?

Love is an illusion created by
lawyer types like yourself to perpetuate

another illusion called marriage,

to create the reality of divorce and
the illusionary need for divorce lawyers.

I just can't deal with
the little missis. Can I crash?

You know, there are more people
in law school right now

than there are lawyers on the
entire planet. Think about that.

You're just pissed off and bitter because
you have not had sex in how long?

What is it, a year, maybe two years?
Refresh my memory, please, Kevin.

Haven't you ever heard
of the sexual revolution?

Who won, huh? Nobody.

Used to be sex was the only free
thing. No longer. Alimony. Palimony.

It's all financial, love's an illusion.
It's the only illusion that counts.

Says who?
Anyone who's ever been in love.

Love sucks.
So does your attitude.

Huh-huh-huh.

Thank you.

What are we gonna do with you? You should've
bought the red dress. Red drives men wild.

Hi, beautiful.
Like Porsches?

Wow.
See?

I have a madman
in my life already.

It's good, huh? It's interesting.
I forgot to spin at the end.

All right, I'll see you in a bit.

- Hey, Jules.
- How about a lift?

Hi.
Hi.

- Hi, baby.
- Missed you.

How'd you do?

Well, thanks to Alec, I
am now an official pollster.

Who wants to suck back a few
bloody marys at St. Elmo's, on me?

No. I have to
get back to work.

Since when do you
work on Saturdays?

Since he started volunteer
moonlighting for Senator Hodges.

What the hell is the three-year president
of Georgetown's Young Democrats

doing working
for a Republican now?

Moving up, Kirbo.

Ooh!

- Let's get trashed anyway!
- For a change.

Huh-huh-huh.

You haven't been here
since you helped me move in.

- Oh, did you move in too?
- I only remember 800 pairs of shoes.

Ba-dum-bum.

So what do you think?
Very, uh, subtle.

And very pink.

Jules, where are you getting
the money for all this?

Why do you think God
invented credit?

For fabulous people like me.

Would you fix us a drink?
Yeah.

Kev, I knew you'd like it.
You have such sensitivity.

Oh, by the way, I want you
to meet my decorator, Ron.

He's so fabulous, and he
lives right across the hall.

Ron?
Uh-huh.

Come sit down. Let's relax.

Jules, why do I feel like
I'm not here by accident?

I have been needing to talk to you.

Sounds like one of our
infamous conversations is coming.

Like when you met my parents and
decided I was adopted. Remember that?

I still think your mother's
hiding something from you.

Kevin, I'm curious.
Mm.

You know all those nights
we stayed up talking?

How come you never made
a pass at me?

What?
Don't you find me attractive?

Do you know you're the only guy at
school who never made a pass at me?

Well, if you notice,
I never joined the Army either.

Kev, you've got a problem.

You're gay, and you're
madly in love with Alec.

I see.

It's okay. We all love Alec.
He's our hero.

But he's very, very straight.
And very taken.

Jules, there's the brink of
insanity, and then there is the abyss

which, obviously, you've fallen into.
Kev, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

Gay became chic in the '70s.
No, I'm not ashamed.

I am not gay.
And I am not staying.

Kevin!

Look at me in this robe.
Are you hard? No.

Let me just introduce you to Ron.
He's gay too, and he's so fabulous.

Ron, Kevin's here!
Kevin, wait, please.

I've seen enough pink for today,
thank you very much.

He's just not ready to face
reality yet. I'll get back to you.

Please.

Excuse me, sir,
we do not open until 11.

That's cool. I'll wait.

Do you have a reservation?
For Keger. Party of two, 1:00.

And I want this table.

I'd be very happy to find a
lovely table for you and your guest,

but this is a table for four.

Well, then I'll pay double.

You could order a nice
Napa Valley chardonnay.

Or if she's really worth it, you
could get an import to impress her.

Well, money's no object.
Really?

Then Montrachet or Meursault.

And make sure
you smell the cork.

So who is she?
Never mind.

Thank God it's payday!

Jules, you're advanced
on your salary by two months.

I have no cheque for you.

Thanks, Jules. You're
the greatest. I owe you.

That's good because
I owe everyone else.

Judy, I have to pay for my
stepmother's funeral, then I'll catch up.

I'm afraid you'll have to speak
with Forrester Davidson.

The president of the bank?

I'm sorry I'm late.
Hi.

Hi.

Thank you.

Have you been waiting long?
Just got here.

The food is great here.

Yes, and I'll be having the alfalfa
sprouts and a plate of mashed yeast.

Are you vegetarian?

No, that's from Annie Hall. The movie
we saw together. Don't you remember?

That's funny. I thought we went
to see a Mel Brooks movie.

No, no. It was Annie Hall.

Uh...

- So...
- Miss Biberman?

Yes?
Telephone.

Thank you. Hello?

Yes, doctor, right away. I'm sorry.
I have to get back to the hospital.

I hope we can
do this again sometime.

When?

Why don't you give me a call?
I'm so sorry.

Great.

Listen, Kirbs, you're not really gonna
go to med school just to impress this girl

with whom you have
a fleeting infatuation, are you?

It's not just infatuation,
Kevin, and she's not just a girl.

She's the only evidence of God that I can find on this
entire planet, with the exception of the mystical force

that removes one of my socks from
the dryer every time I do the laundry.

Fluff and fold, buddy.

Soon as I make it really big,
I'm going fluff and fold.

Dreamer.

I understand the fold,
but what's the fluff?

Fluff's what I write for the paper.

Ba-dum-bum.

What am I doing wrong here?
Let me see.

Listen, Les, you think my
attachment to Alec is unnatural?

No. I think mine is.

He tell you he wants to get married?
Four years ago, the day he met you.

But since he was
a Democrat then,

and now he's a Republican,
I'd say all bets are off.

God! How do most women
do this every night of their lives

and not go completely insane?
They are insane.

Love, marriage, children,
relationships. It's all insane.

You're okay.
Thanks.

Did I tell you my perfect sister and her
perfect husband are getting a perfect divorce?

Stay away from love.

I can't.

Kevin, you've been in love.

Doesn't Alec hate peppers?
Oh, come on.

You must have been in love
with someone, sometime.

Yeah, once.

Junior high. I played bongos in this band,
and I fell in love with our lead singer.

And she sang "We've Only Just
Begun" as sweet as Karen Carpenter.

So one night, I got really high on this
cheap malt liquor and pledged my love to her.

Next day she ran off with
a bass player named Ringo.

So I turned in my bongos
for a battered Underwood typewriter.

On which you'll type your way to
becoming one of the most important

writers in America.

I wouldn't hold your breath.

I can't even organise any of these
thoughts into anything for the paper.

Kevin, maybe you need to stop
thinking so much and fall in love again.

Love sucks.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi.

Hey.
Rough day on the right wing, dear?

This is for me?

- Al...
- Try it on.

Kevin, stir the vegetables.

Right.

Leslie has to marry me soon.
Why? Are you pregnant?

What is your marriage hurry?
I'm gonna kill myself.

It's only peppers, Al.
I can't believe what I just did.

I innocently go downtown
to buy the nightgown,

and this amazingly leggy blond
salesgirl offers to model it for me.

So we wind up doing it standing up in the
dressing room in front of a three-way mirror.

So there were six of you.

Huh-huh-huh.

If Leslie would just marry me.

Marriage will make you faithful?
Yes.

I'm sorry, the notion of two people spending
their entire lives together was invented by people

who were lucky to make it to 20
without being eaten by dinosaurs.

Marriage is obsolete.

Dinosaurs are obsolete.
Marriage is still around.

- Alec, come here.
- This is obscene!

I love it.

Stir those vegetables.

Don't look!
Don't look.

Okay, ta-da!
Oh, come on.

Alec. Ah!

Kevin... I don't care.

- Get off of me!
- He'll burn my vegetables!

- No, he knows what he's doing.
- No, he doesn't.

Get off of me!

Look at this creep.

Hi, you want a date?

- Hi, you want a date?
- Maybe later, baby.

How come you never
ask me if I want a date?

Because I thought you were gay.

Why would you think I'm gay?

Because I never see you with a girl.
And you always look real strange.

Well, for your information, I happen to be in
love with someone, only they don't know it, okay?

Guess you wouldn't understand
about loving someone from afar, huh?

Delaware's about as far
as I've ever been.

Is this person a he or a she?

It's a secret. I guess you wouldn't
understand about that either, huh?

Darling, lots of people
come to me for love,

and it's a secret.

Yeah.

Come back here.

This secret of yours, is it
a little one or a big one?

Hey, you want a date?

Alec Newbary.

Hi, Alec. It's Jules.
I'm over at the Van Buren Hotel.

What time is it?
I don't know.

Listen, I'm with these Arabs, and
they've been forcing me to do coke

all night. And I'm not sure, because
I don't understand very much Arabic,

but I think I heard
the words for "gangbang."

Alec, you gotta come get me.

Please?
I'm in the Potomac Suite.

Alec, you should be sainted.
No, then I'd have to wear underwear.

I love you.
Then marry me.

Yes, who is it?
Open the door!

Alec, what are you doing here?

They hardly impressed me
as the gang-bang type.

How much coke did you do?
I don't know. They have barrels full.

You know, Jules, sometimes I think
you just make these dramas up to test me.

Why don't you come over
for a while?

No, I have to be
at work in the morning.

Come on.

No.

Well, I don't want to be alone.

Who are you calling?
A systems analyst.

A very hot Jewish guy.
You the new Mideast ambassador?

It's really late.
Let me drive you home.

And waste all this good coke?

Hi.

It's Jules. Did I wake you?

Our real purpose is to get you off welfare
and train you in a skilled profession.

Now, do you have any interest
in the janitorial field?

Just give me my cheque.

There are some educational...
Just give me my cheque.

Okay.

You know, you get yourself some
hot clothes, and get yourself a man

and you won't be worrying
about all this shit.

Welfare recipients are
getting better looking.

Do you ever feel like you're not
accomplishing anything all?

I think I'm in touch
with that emotion.

Let's get a drink.

Okay.

Billy, how come you're not at work?

And this is our first store,
built in 1953.

We now have 24 Card-a-terias,

the largest greeting-cards
franchise in the East.

What line are you in?

Munitions.

Please don't bring up
moving out tonight.

He'll have a heart attack
in front of your boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend.

Well, then, there's a nice
young guy working for us now.

Howie Krantz.
Libby, please.

Candace, do just like grandmother did. Right in the
middle, right in the centre of the plate, neatly.

Mom, you look beautiful.

I'm fat, I'm thin. I'm fat, I'm
thin. I'm blond, I'm brunette.

Well, look at it this way. You always wanted
to look like Elizabeth Taylor, and now you do.

What do you think?
Is the roast big enough?

There are certain words my mother finds
too horrible to utter so she whispers them.

You'll get used to it.

Did you hear about
Betty Rothberg?

Cancer.

Oh, how awful.

Say, Bill, the day
I married Rachael,

I got three Card-a-terias.
I just bought a new BMW.

How great!

I was talking to Betty's daughter.
She moved into the new neighbourhood.

Only six Jewish families.
But very wealthy.

Are you in the card game too?
Six franchises.

- Where did you meet Wendy again?
- Prison.

What did he say?

Is $200 enough?

$200 is more than enough.
Thank you, Dad. Thanks.

If you would get married and ran a franchise like
your sisters, you wouldn't have to borrow money.

I have a job with the
Department of Human Services.

That isn't a job. It's just killing
time until you get married.

Thank you.
I'm very committed.

Daddy, I think I should
get my own apartment.

Grandpa! Grandpa!

Billy's on the roof!
What?

Wait a minute. Wait, wait.

This is so great!

All the years we lived here,
no one ever did this.

I used to do it all the time.

At the frat house, I'd crawl right out of
Alec's window on the roof with my horn.

This is ridiculous!

- My God! Wendy's up there too!
- Come on down here!

I knew it the minute
he came in the door.

Drugs!

Should we call the police
or the fire department?

Maybe we should let
Wendy handle it.

You miss school, don't you?

Yeah.

You know, school was
pretty out of hand.

In everyday life, there's just
no way to be out of hand.

You gotta be so...

You know, if it ever
got to be too much...

Like just... too much.

Oh, God.

Well, that's out of hand.

Don't you ever think about it?
Not while I'm still a virgin.

Why didn't you
ever tell me that before?

I don't know.

Come on. All those
guys you went out with...

Stuey Newman?

Oh, please.

Would you do it with
Stuey Newman? Well?

Be very quiet.
I'm hunting rabbit.

Nice.

I'm sorry.

Peace.
I'm sorry.

What the hell is that?

It's your scuba suit.

Wendy, I'm really sorry. You're
allowed to have fun when you're screwing.

Wend, I was... I'm sorry.

I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

What?

There's your rent money.

Wendy.

Wendy?

I want to meet the woman who's
turning Kirbo Keger into a doctor.

I've been an amateur
gynecologist for years.

Hey, Billy is great.
He's unbelievable.

Leslie, did I tell you?
Oh, sorry!

I went to see my boss. I thought I was gonna get
fired, but instead the man took me to dinner.

Jules, you're not gonna
start bopping your boss.

Too late. I'm gonna dance.
God!

Do you have an extra key to your
apartment that I can borrow tomorrow?

What for?

The lingerie salesgirl has
been calling me at the office.

You gotta learn to say no, buddy.
As soon as Leslie says yes, I'll say no.

Wendy.

Hi. This is Howie Krantz.
Howie, Kevin Dolenz.

How do you do?
Alec Newbary.

Alec. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Why don't you come
sit here at our table?

Oh, great.
That'd be great.

Thought you weren't coming here.
We were just passing by.

I'm in the greeting-cards business. I
work for one of Wendy's brother-in-laws.

Humongous future in greeting cards.

Ron!

Everybody, this is my friend
and decorator, Ron Dellasandro.

You remember Ron.

- Hello, Ron.
- Hi, Ron.

Hi, Kevin.
Hi, Ron.

And this is Wendy and Howie.

Unbelievable.
What?

So, what's wrong?
Billy's wife.

Who's she with?

Let's rock!

Hey!

Hey, take your hands off my wife.

Your wife?

You're not married to me. You're
married to your friends and the bar.

I said, get your hands off my wife.

- Is he kidding?
- Billy.

Get him out of here!

Yeah, get out of here,
Billy, you little shit!

You're a shit!

You're fired, Billy!

So are the rest of you.
Everybody out!

He's bleeding.
Yes, I know. Come on.

Come on.
I just had my nose done!

Goddamn it!

I tell you, I just should've
had a vasectomy at birth.

I tell you something, if you ever have boys, you just
do them a favour and get them neutered right away.

Because if they knock up some little slut,
they're the ones who are really fucked!

Fucked for life!
I hate you, you little bitch!

Listen, you stupid pig!

Get off me!
Get off of me!

Billy! Okay, Billy, come on!

Billy.
Felicia.

You just go ahead with
your evening with Howie.

Yes. No matter
what he looks like.

Happy Halloween.

Hi, secret love.

Trick or treat?
Or tricks and treats?

Hey, what would you say
the meaning of life is?

You got 50 bucks? I'll
show you the meaning of life.

I don't pay for sex.
Oh, no?

Oh. You think that
if you get a little wife

or girlfriend that
you don't pay? You pay.

Then you can never be sure
you're gonna get it. With Naomi...

Naomi?
Yeah.

You pay, and you get it.

Ooh. You get it good.

Food for thought.

I don't think I have
enough food to feed them.

We'll have plenty. We'll
be fine. There'll be enough.

- Hi.
- Hey.

What are you doing here?

We came to take you to lunch.
Le Petit Château, 1:00.

I can't leave here and go
to Le Petit Château.

Ladies, please, have
a little perspective.

Well, we could eat here.

We could?
Yes.

It's nutritious.

- Yes, it's an adventure.
- Grab a tray.

It is that.

Take this.

And for our entrée, Campbell
mushroom barley. How chic.

Hi, Myra. Meet my friends
Leslie and Jules. This is Myra.

Hi, Myra.

You need some salad.

How's Howie?

Oh, well, I wouldn't say my
father's trying to bribe me,

but he did offer me a Chrysler LeBaron
convertible if I'd get engaged to Howie.

Have you fucked him yet?
Jules! God!

Listen, get the car, fuck him and if
you don't like it, break the engagement.

Then you can still fuck him.

I'm sorry.
Not funny!

Sorry. Thank you.

Wendy, I don't want to
beat around the bush.

We really came here because
we're both worried about you.

No, Jules, actually that was a
scam that Leslie and I worked out

because we're worried about you.

Moi?

Okay.
So, what's up?

We're worried about you
and this affair with your boss.

Forrester?

Come on. He's wonderful.
Forrester is married.

Leslie, this is the '80s.

I bop him for a few years, get his job
when he gets his hands caught in the vault,

become a legend,
do a black-mink ad,

get caught in a sex scandal,
retire in massive disgrace,

write a huge bestseller and become
the fabulous host of my own talk show.

Well, silly of us to worry.

- It really is.
- He's helped me so much.

I mean, he's come up with so many
alternatives for my step-monster's funeral.

That's another thing. You seem obsessed
with this woman's dying. It's creepy.

Well, it turns out cremation is just as
expensive as the non-torch method.

And if I don't come up with a cheaper
solution, I'm gonna end up a bag lady.

Of course,
I'll have alligator bags.

Oh, no. Do you know what? I've gotta go. I
just remembered I'm supposed to meet Forrester.

Jules, you haven't even
touched your food.

That's okay. I really didn't want any. I'll talk
to you guys later. It's been a wonderful talk.

Nice meeting you, Myra.

I'll talk to you guys later, okay?
Sorry. I have to go.

Oh, God.
I told you.

Why is it that you
and Jules and my mother

and everyone I know are so sure
I should marry Alec?

Well, if you and Alec don't
get married, I don't know who should.

I love Alec.

It's just scary to think of spending
my whole life with him.

Then again, it's scary to think
of life without him too.

Men. Can't live with them,

can't shoot them.
Can't shoot them.

Seen Billy?

I was wondering how long it was
gonna take until you asked me that.

I know. It's like
stopping smoking.

I go as long as I can,
and then I just gotta have a hit.

Alec's got him working
for this Korean gangster,

and I think actually Billy's
doing a really good job.

Great.

That's great.

What? It's great.

Kim...

I thought you were
coming back on Thursday.

Watch your step.

Excuse me, sir, do you have
an invitation?

Excuse me.

Kirby!

How are you?

- I'm obsessed, thank you very much.
- But you don't even know me.

I'm very average.
Full of flaws.

I'm a slob. I can't even
make a bed straight.

I steal People magazine
from my dentist's office.

And look.

I rarely take out the garbage.

Here's my roommate, Judith.
She hates me.

I hate her.

And here's the worst of all.

When I first decided to be a doctor, I thought
it was because I wanted to serve people.

But now, well,

I'm starting to get this funny feeling that
what medicine's really all about is money.

Would you like some coffee?
It's money, isn't it?

Yes, of course, that's what you're trying
to tell me. It's because I don't have money.

Thank you for being so honest.

Kirby!

Get off! It's Billy Hicks, man!

The man, the myth, the legend!
The one and only Billy the Kid!

Seems like old times,
huh, Billy-boy?

Old times.

Troy, man, I was thinking

that maybe I could get
a job on campus

with the students, you know.
The fraternity, coaching. Anything.

Oh, yeah. We could use
somebody like you around here, Billy.

Really?
Yeah, we need somebody

to get us some good drugs, man.

Come on,
let's go play some ball.

What is that, your rattle?

Hi, babe.
Hi.

Remember Ray Slater?

The guy I was going out
with before I met you?

Well, he came by
to see me yesterday.

He still wants to marry me.

He said he'd take care
of me and Melody.

Don't you give up on me.

We could probably
still get an annulment.

No!

I'm gonna change.
I'm gonna get the right job.

There's gonna be no more drinking.
And no more women.

You're not gonna believe
how out of hand it's gonna be.

I work out of my house.
You must be available 24 hours a day.

Complete discretion
and loyalty. $500 a week.

I'm your man, Mr. Kim.

I must be able to trust you with
my house, my car, my private affairs.

Look no further, Mr. Kim.
I'm your man.

- That's her. Now open the door.
- Give me a break, will you?

Get out and open the door.
That's your job.

Hi, Dale.
Kirby, what are you up to?

Well, I was handpicked as
special attaché to Mr. Kim Sung Ho.

The famous Korean entrepreneur?
What about medical school?

Foolish pipe dream, Dale. I had to grab my
huge financial opportunities while I could.

It's all about money, right, Dale?
Well, good luck.

Look, I'm throwing a little party
at Kim's house on Saturday night.

I'd really like to see you there.

Thanks, Kirby. I'll try.
Good deal.

Did you see her face?
She'll be there.

Mr. Kim finds out you're having a party at his
house Saturday night, you'll be out in the street.

No way. He won't
be home until Sunday.

Besides, there's an extra $100
for you to keep your mouth shut.

Ooh.

So does this mean that
you're officially engaged?

Uh, yeah.
No.

It means I'm officially
thinking about it.

What is this, Howie? Didn't you think that
women were always dying to get married?

Not to me.

Oh, God, look at this.
You look great.

So where's the beautiful doctor
we've all been hearing so much about?

She's on her way.
You are so wrong.

College is like this four-year delusion
so you don't have to deal with reality.

- Hi, Les, Wen.
- Hi.

I mean, you're like lambs waiting
to be slaughtered, you undergrads.

I take it medical school is now out.
Absolutely. I am now a student of life.

Hi.
Hi.

This is my friend Howie
Krantz. Billy Hicks.

Hi, Billy.

Uh, well,
we'll see you a little later.

A friend of yours?
Huh-huh-huh.

Billy, I want you to know I'm not
gonna be getting you any more jobs.

Al, you're so perfect.
Such a young god.

You not only
have the right stuff,

you have the right job
and the right hair.

I, of course, have the wrong hair.

Forrester said he wanted to know exactly
what I'm looking for in this relationship.

So I told him love, companionship
and the vice-presidency.

Jules, it sounds like you have your
boss wrapped around your little finger.

Did I ever tell you what he likes
me to do with my little finger?

How's your stepmother?
Hanging on, the old witch.

Oh, but I did find this place in
California. It's called the Neptune Society.

They just wrap her up and
feed her to the sharks for $500.

All I have to do is ship her there.
She's worse.

It's gonna be a long night.

Yeah, hi. By any chance,
did Dale Biberman

get called in on
an emergency duty tonight?

No?

Okay. Thanks.

So how you doing?
Fine.

Are you still living at home?
Yeah. How about you?

Felicia hasn't kicked me out yet.

You been playing your sax?
No. I hocked it to pay the phone bill.

Have you forgiven me for
being such a horse's ass?

There's nothing to forgive.
Actually, I should thank you.

It helped me grow up a lot, made
me see how stupid I was being.

Trusting a guy like me.

You're very talented, Billy.

So are you still a virgin?

That's none of your business.

Well, then I want you to make another
emergency breakthrough. Do you hear me?

What do you mean, she won't
release it? Did you tell her who's calling?

Did you tell her I was giving
a goddamn party for her?

Make room.
The kid can't fly on one wing.

Come to Mama.

Quiet, please!

Quiet, please!

Quiet, please. Everyone!

Thank you.

Big Al has
an announcement to make!

Oh, well, now we're excited.

Huh-huh-huh.

On June 1,

Leslie Hunter will do me
the long,

long, long-awaited honour
of becoming my bride.

You're all invited!

Thank you very much.

Howie, what do you say we
make this a double wedding?

What's the matter
with you? Cut it out!

I thought we discussed this at home. We
come here, and you completely discount me.

I'm just trying to facilitate
the marriage process.

Do you want marriage, Alec,

or so you just want a yearly Christmas card
with the Newbarys in front of a fireplace?

You're just afraid to commit.
No, I'm not afraid to commit.

I have to have something for myself
first before I can share it with you.

Will you just for once

not use as the excuse for not
marrying me your goddamn career?

Fine. All right then.

I have a better excuse.

What are we gonna do about
your extracurricular love life?

Huh?

What extracurricular love life?

Alec, come on.

What did Kevin tell you?

Nothing.

What did you tell her?
What did you tell her?

He told me nothing.

It was just a hunch.
Until now.

I want you out of
the apartment tonight.

Kev, are you okay?

That's okay.

It's cool. It ain't a party
till something gets broken.

We're swinging now.

Get off the phone
and open up this goddamn door!

Are you the maniac that's been
trying to cut in on my line?

Oh, of course.
I should have known.

Where the hell is Dale?
She went skiing.

What do you mean? Where?
Why should I tell you?

Because I'm not responsible
for what I'll do to you if you don't.

- Which one is yours?
- I always forget.

So do I.

Let's go get a drink.

You want to?

Yeah, I do.
I've had a shit day.

I've had a shit year.
Where should we go?

I think the bars are closed.
Mm, yeah.

We could go to your place.
Okay.

Jules...

you know, you have really grown
into a fine-looking woman.

I don't feel very fine-looking.

You know, there's something I've
been wanting to ask you all night.

What you got on
underneath that skirt?

You should know.

Billy.

Come on.
Don't save it for your boss.

Can you keep a secret?
I have kept many secrets.

Billy, enough.

Enough!

Says who?

I say.

Oh, you say.
That's right.

I bet you wouldn't have so much
to say with me in your mouth.

Billy, I'm serious.
I said no!

Billy, give me my keys.

Come and get them.
You shit, give me my keys!

Come here.
No! Give me my keys!

Come on!
I'm getting a boner now!

Yes.
Give me the keys!

I love it!

Give me my keys.

Oh, watch the crease.
Watch the crease.

I needed a friend tonight.

Get back in the Jeep and assume
the missionary position.

You break my heart.

Then again, you break
everyone's heart.

Jules.

Hey, Jules, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

Who is it?
Is Dale Biberman in there?

Who wants to know?
Kirby Keger!

Who the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?

Kirby.
What are you doing here?

Who is that?

- Stop him, Guy. Will you?
- I'm buck naked.

Kirby, stop!
Come inside!

This guy is crazy.

Come on, you've got no snow
tyres or chains. You've got no traction.

Kirby, please.

You're not gonna get out of
here tonight. Come on inside.

I'll stay in the car!

He wants to stay in the car.
He'll freeze.

People have died out here,
you know.

So just leave me alone,
all right!

Just get away from me
and leave me alone!

Kirby, please come inside.

Ta-da.

I haven't been here
for a long time.

It's still the same.
You know, small and ugly.

But then again,
it is small and ugly. Here.

You sure you don't wanna go
to some nice, ladylike hotel?

No. No, I'll be fine here
for tonight.

As long as I'm not putting you
or Kirbo to any trouble.

No, it's fine.

Is that a coffin?

Yeah. I got it because I thought
girls would think it was sexy.

And do they?

How would I know?

Well, you better not let Jules see it, because
she'll probably steal it for her stepmother.

You want to sit down there?

When did you win
all these writing awards?

Oh, never. They're more
effect to impress young ladies.

Oh, I did win something.

In eighth grade
I won Best Haiku Poem.

I beat out David Autry.

Quite a thrill.

So I've wandered into a real
woman trap here, haven't I?

Yes.

Only you're the first woman I ever got
up here, and I blew all my props already.

You want some brandy?
Yeah.

Yeah? Good.

Am I part of your props?

Your clothes should be dry
in a few hours.

He's a doctor, isn't he?
And here are some pyjamas.

You expect me to wear his pyjamas?

We'll talk in the morning.

Alec was the first.
You know?

I mean, there were other
guys for me in high school.

Boys.

Alec was
the first love of my life.

Do you know, I sometimes think if
we hadn't ended up in the same dorm,

I would have just met
someone else. So would he.

Alec had the luck
of geography, right?

Whatever we say about Alec
we'll regret tomorrow.

Tell me something.

What do you think about our relationship
as an outsider? I want you to be honest.

Really.
You want me to be honest?

I don't know.

Yes.
Yeah?

Okay.

Dangerous question.

Well, I think I hang around
you guys so much personally

because, well,
you're all I think about.

Me?

And I think that the reason
I'm not interested in other women

and why I haven't had sex
in so long

is because I am
desperately, completely

in love with you.

Ooh.

Kevin.

We won't even remember this
tomorrow, huh?

It is tomorrow.

Oh, I love you!
I've always loved you!

Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry!
No, no, I love it! I love it!

What are you doing?
Nothing. Where is this thing?

It's in the front.
Okay. Wait.

Kevin!

I broke your shower!

Kirbo?

No.

Alec.

I gave him a key.

Okay, Kevin.

I'm only gonna
ask you this once.

Did you tell Leslie
about my screwing around?

No.

I believe you, Kevin.

I want you to know that I
believe you, and I'm sorry I hit you.

Kevin.

I don't think

that I am ever gonna be able
to get Leslie back.

Buddy, I kind of got
some company.

Oh, Jesus.

- I'm sorry.
- It's all right.

- I never thought...
- I'll call you tomorrow.

I never thought...
I'll call you later.

I just assumed it was
not possible.

Just a minute. Tell me.
What?

Is it the fat chick from the party?
Let me call you later, all right?

Come on. Come on.

No, no, no.
I have to...

I have to know.
Is it the fat chick from the party?

It's not the fat chick.

There is no way
that this is happening.

It happened, Alec.

Alec... Shut up!

Where is Kirby Keger?

Um...

He took my new car.

It started!

You better hurry up before
it starts snowing again.

So drive carefully.

Nice meeting you, Kirby.

Uh, honey, I'll get the camera, and
we'll take a photo of you guys, okay?

I don't really know you that well,
but you seem like a fine person.

And I want you to know
I'm flattered by all this.

And deep down, I'm sure, for a long time I'll
wonder if maybe somehow this isn't my loss.

Smile.

There you are.

Later, dude.

Hi, Daddy.
Hey, hi.

This is some neighbourhood.

Did you get your car fixed?

Yeah. I got a personal letter
from Lee Iacocca.

I did. They fixed everything
for nothing.

Good.

But I can't keep it.

I don't feel right about driving a car like that and
then working with people who can't afford to eat.

Keep the car.
You and Howie will need it.

Well, Daddy,

I'm giving Howie back too.

I don't love Howie.

Well, we learn to love. I mean,
there's marriage and there's family

and the family business.
That's what's important.

I have my own job.
And I want to get my own apartment.

But you can keep your job
until you're pregnant.

I mean, Howie's a fine boy,

and I don't think
you need your own apartment.

Dad.

Do you ever hear me?
Well, I do.

I don't love Howie.

I don't love him.

I love Billy.
Billy from the roof?

Yeah.

I specifically took off work today because
I thought you weren't gonna be here.

I'm sick.

What's wrong?
Just sickness.

You can't have
the Pretenders' first album.

That's mine.
I bought it.

You did not!

You can have all the Billy Joels.
Except The Stranger.

I'm taking Thriller
and Mahler's Ninth.

Kevin is so fond of Mahler.
I moved in with Jules.

Oh, how nice.

Roomies again.

No Springsteen
is leaving this house!

You can have
all the Carly Simons.

You got me those
for Valentine's Day.

Remember when there were
still valentines around here?

You ran out on this relationship.
You take the consequences.

I didn't run out on anything.
You ran out.

You fucked Kevin!
You fucked many!

Nameless, faceless many!

I feel much better now.
Thanks.

You're not taking The Police...
Anyway, I didn't just fuck Kevin!

I was confused and angry,
and I care about him very deeply.

Get your clothes,
give me the keys and get out!

Now!

I can't believe
this is happening to us.

Wasted love!

God, I just wish
I could get it back.

You did it!

I think I'll probably
be back doing obits tomorrow.

No, no. You're gonna attract
a lot of attention with this.

Yeah? You think?
It's because of you.

Yeah, I couldn't write anything
till you. What?

Don't you guys ever use a bed?

Hi, Jules.
Hi, kiddies.

I'm gonna show Jules your piece.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait.
What?

Hi, Ron.
Hi.

Kevin has his first byline.

Really? That's great.
Let me see.

"Tract Housing in Maryland"?

No, it's the other piece.
Oh, "The Meaning of Life."

Listen, I gotta go. Forrester's waiting for me.
Did the hospital call? Did my step-monster die?

Jules.

- Listen, he's waiting for me. I gotta go.
- Jules, I wanna meet him.

Not now, but I'll have him wave up.

She's out of control.
Since the day we met her.

- Who is that?
- Jules' boss and lover.

International banking seems
to have gotten sexier.

Speaking of which, I don't want to get
ahead of myself here, but I was thinking

maybe we'd get a place together.
What?

I know it's fast,
but I also know love you.

Kevin. Kevin.
What?

Sex isn't love.

What's that mean?
That means

that you were sitting there with all
these feelings, incredible feelings,

tied up in a box
with my pictures.

And I needed
to break away from Alec.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hi.

I'm not very proud
of my behaviour.

Alec.

Hang up.
Who's that?

No.
That's not Kevin, is it?

You're not with Kevin
playing my records?

Alec, stop it, please.

Tell him we're moving in together.
We're not moving in together!

So the two of you are
moving in together.

I just wish everything could be
like it used to be, all of us friends.

I don't want to be friends.

I didn't mean that.
I mean, it was an accident.

I'm beginning to think that
there aren't any accidents.

And I would really like it
if you would just leave.

Okay?

Great.

You were right all along, buddy.

Love sucks.
Yep.

So you gonna get the old job back?

No way.

Soon as I get back in school, I'm
gonna work part-time for a law firm.

Did you know that there are
as many students in law school

as there are practising lawyers?
Sounds familiar.

I always thought
we'd be friends forever.

Yeah, well, forever got a lot
shorter suddenly, didn't it?

Okay, call Mary Dusit
at that number.

Yeah, I'll call.

I'll call you back.

Alec, I'm sorry to
bother you here.

Did you forget
one of your albums?

It's Jules.

After she left for work
this morning,

some finance company came. They took
away her furniture, her Jeep, everything.

I tried to reach her, but I couldn't get
through, so I went over to her office.

She's been pretending to go to work every day,
telling me she's still having an affair with her boss.

Alec, he fired her
three weeks ago.

So I confronted her. And at
first she denied everything.

But then she went crazy.

And now she's locked herself in the
apartment and she won't let me back in.

Alec.

Please, I need your help.

Hi, Jules.
Open the door.

- Jules, open the door.
- She's in there.

She's got it dead bolted.

Jules!

What's he doing here?
I called him.

Did you call all your lovers?

Is the guy who took you to your
high-school prom gonna join us too?

Alec.
What?

What's happening with Jules?
She's bolted the door.

The fire escape!

Jules, open up!

Jules, what are you doing?

You're gonna freeze to death.
I think that's the idea.

Jules, honey, it's me!

Jules, you're really
scaring me now!

The whole country's falling apart,
but these bars are made perfect.

We need a hacksaw.
Or an experienced thief.

I'll find Billy.

I was kidding.

He's working over at
the Amoco station on Michigan.

I'll see if he's got something.

He's just around the corner.
Billy's working at a gas station?

- He needed the money.
- Jules!

You little shit!
Ah!

Alec! Alec, no!

Here!
What's happening?

How do you feel now, best friend?
My notes!

You won't be needing your notes
on the meaning of life anymore.

Alec, stop it right now!
You're gonna kill him!

This isn't gonna solve anything, Al.
Think of your political career.

Alec, stop it!
After all I've done for you!

I've done a lot for you too. So
why don't you just pull me up.

What you did for me, you little shit,

was to steal the woman
that I was gonna marry!

Alec!

Kirbo, help!

- Quick!
- Help! Alec, pull him up!

Looks pretty out of hand
up there.

Alec, stop it! Do you think
this is helping Jules?

I love her, man.

Give me a hand!

I got it! I got it!

You all right?
Super.

I'm going upstairs.

Somebody give me a hand!
Come on!

Jules, oh, my God! Jules, honey,
open the door. It's so cold.

Very noble how you ran up
here to save your lover.

He's not my lover.

Jules, listen... Bullshit!

Hey! I have never lied to you once since the
day I met you, you cocky shithead! Jules!

- Alec!
- We all love you.

Help!

Jules! Open this
goddamn door!

Blowtorch, anyone?
Give it to me.

- Do not hand that man a blowtorch.
- Here, put these on.

Jules, open the door! Did you hear
me? Open the door or I'll bust it down!

Jules! Okay, I'm coming
through this door!

You know I'm crazy enough
to do it!

What's happening?

I'm going in.

Hi, Billy.

What's the big deal here?

You lost a job?

Jules, I've lost 20 of
them since graduation.

Plus a wife and kid.

In a new development, a handful
of hair in the shower this morning.

That's better.

You know,

this smells to me like
a little bit of self-created drama.

I should know. I've been
starring in a few of my own.

Do you know what I've been
doing every day since I got fired?

No. What?

I've been going down to the hospital
and sitting with my step-monster.

We've had the best talks
we've ever had.

Of course, she's in a coma,
which really pisses me off.

Because all that time,

I just waited
for one word from that woman

about why my father
hates me so much.

No.

Jules, you know,
honey, this isn't real.

You know what it is?

It's St. Elmo's fire.

The electric flashes of light that
appear in dark skies out of nowhere.

Sailors would guide
entire journeys by it.

But the joke was on them.
There was no fire.

There wasn't even a St.
Elmo. They made it up.

They made it up because they thought they needed
it to keep them going when things got tough.

Just like you're making up
all of this.

We're all going through this.

It's our time on the edge.

I'm just so tired, Billy.

I never thought
I'd be so tired at 22.

I just don't even know
who to be anymore.

Join the club.

You know, no one was buying this
together-woman-of-the-eighties stuff anyway.

And all this time I was afraid
you'd find out I wasn't fabulous.

It's cool.

All this time I was afraid you'd
find out I was irresponsible.

Ha, ha.

They're laughing.

Yeah, the hysterical
laughter heard

most frequently from
schizophrenic paranoids.

Why don't you set up my drafting
table so we can have coffee on it.

Oh, baby.
I love you.

And then what happened?

That was it.

We came out of the
bedroom, and then I shot her.

No, you did not.
You saved her life.

Oh, let's not be dramatic, Wen.

So when did you get so sane?

When I realised how insane
I'd been trying to be like Alec.

I'm not part of this
after-college life.

Careers. Marriage.

Felicia and Melody'll be
better off without me.

Did she get remarried already?

Mm-mm. In about
three or four weeks.

I was thinking of hanging
around and being

one of those I'll-see-you-
on-the-weekend dads.

That's not what Melody needs.

Besides, it'd confuse everybody.

Billy, you don't have to.

Come on, it's not even half of
what I owe you.

I'm gonna get you the rest as
soon as I get settled in New York.

If I can find someone who's
fool enough to let me play my sax.

Oh, they'll let you play.
You're really...

Talented, Billy.

You are.

This place is great, Wen.

Yeah.

You want to know what's great?

Last night, I woke up
in the middle of the night

to make myself a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich.

And you know, it was my kitchen,
and it was my refrigerator

and it was my apartment

and it was the best peanut butter
and jelly sandwich

I've had in my entire life.

You're really going, huh?

So you still a virgin?

Why is my sexual status
so important to you?

Have I abused our
relationship too much,

or could I be so bold as to ask
you for a going-away present?

Oh, God.

Good luck.

You're gonna be okay.

So are you.

Forgive me for
not getting intimate.

Here. Long ride.

You shouldn't have.
I know.

You're beautiful.
Never shave.

Don't go changing to please me.

Bye.

Don't let her go.

Go get out of hand.

I'm gonna keep in touch.

No, you will not.

I can't remember
who met who first

or who fell in love
with who first.

All I can remember is
the seven of us always together.

And I've made a decision.

I think

I have to be
by myself for a while.

I thought I was
the miracle of your life.

I thought I was the
miracle of your life.

I love you both.

I'm gonna try life without
any miracles for a while.

I hope we can still be friends.

Uh...
Uh...

Sure.
Sure.

Let's kill her.

Well, do you want to
go in and get a drink?

I gotta be at work real early tomorrow.
Me too.

I need to find a job tomorrow.
Me too.

Well, how about brunch
on Sunday?

That sounds good.
Great.

So we meet here
around 12:30?

Yeah.
Uh, why don't we go to Houlihan's?

Not so noisy.
Not so many kids.

- Great.
- Okay, so Sunday, 12:30.

- Guess what?
- You guys will never believe it.

I found out that it only costs
$250 to bury a cat.

So I figured, why don't I just put
my step-monster into a large cat suit?

Huh-huh-huh.