St. Elmo's Fire (1985) - full transcript

Excuse me, ma'am. Wendy Beamish and

William Hicks. They were in a car accident.

See the officer about that.

Good evening, officer.

I'm Alec Newbary with

Congressman Langston's office.

If I can be of any assistance...

- Congressman who?

- Langston.

Clear, please.

They're dead, aren't they?

Hi, you guys.

Wendy.

Wendy. You okay?

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

The car my dad got me

for graduation is totalled.

Go find Billy.

See if you can sober him up.

He almost killed you, destroys

your car, and you're paying?

Jules, please.

Is that your date?

No. That is.

We're dealing with a

first-time offender here, officer.

Now, since Miss Beamish doesn't wanna press

charges, what do you say we let this one slide?

Forget it, counsellor.

I wouldn't strike a match

near his blood.

Hey.

Okay, you're under arrest.

Watch the sax.

Do you believe in premarital sax?

May I assume the

accident left you injury-free?

Billy, four months

after graduation

and you're still acting like

every night's a frat party.

Aren't you even a little bit

concerned about Wendy?

How bad is it?

Severe.

She might have finally exceeded

the limit on her father's Visa.

Ba-dum-bum.

You're being arrested

for drunk driving.

Drunk, definitely. I don't know

if you can call it driving.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm sorry, Wendy.

We'll be right behind you.

Alec, I've got a lot of cash.

Dale?

Dale Biberman.

You don't remember me, do you?

I do, but I'm trying to place...

Kirby Keger.

You were a senior when

I started Georgetown.

Right. Kirby.

How are you?

I graduated.

I always knew you would.

And I'm a lawyer.

Well, I mean, I'm a waiter

studying to become a lawyer.

Dale Biberman. I cannot believe it.

Still like Woody Allen movies?

I've gotta go.

Nice seeing you.

Don't you worry.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Hey, thanks for bailing me out.

Again.

When are you two

gonna get a new car,

one that truly expresses your lifestyle

as the perfect couple?

Not everyone got recruited out of school

into international banking, moneybags.

Besides, my mom and dad gave me the car.

I think I was conceived in the back seat.

It's still sticky.

Oh, God. Wait till my father

hears the car is totalled.

Wally, you let undergraduate

punks sit at our table?

Relax. Only been there for 10 minutes.

We've been here four years!

Kirbo, come here.

Where have you been?

You leave at the busiest time

of the night. Where'd you go?

- To the hospital, Wally.

- What?

To the hospital.

What, are you sick?

No, it was an emergency.

You could have at least

told me you were leaving.

What are you gonna do, fire me?

No, I fired you last Tuesday.

Blinding white light.

Skid.

Tree.

Impact. I was out of hand! It was

a metaphysical precision collision.

Wow.

Was it beautiful

for you too, Wendy?

Somebody get me a screwdriver.

And a hammer.

Huh-huh-huh.

Of course, you do know what it means to have a

suspended licence for drunk driving on your record?

Yeah, it means

I'll never be a cop in D.C.

Wally!

- Hi, Wal.

- Betrayed.

So you're not angry?

No, I'm not angry.

Never trust a woman

who says she isn't angry.

Tell me about it.

I'm not angry.

You're the one who's

so angry these days.

I thought writing for the paper

would make you happy.

- Maybe you should call your wife.

- I'll tell you something, Jules.

Writing obituaries isn't writing.

All my characters die in the end.

I'd like to write something about the

meaning of life for a change, you know?

You'll get a chance, Kevin.

Don't hold your breath.

- Tommy.

- Who's that?

Tommy Bancroft. Senator Hodges'

key guy. I want you to meet him.

And to be impressive.

Oh, yes, sir.

The meaning of life,

Kevin, is fun, good times,

a little H-U-M-O-R.

Don't you enjoy anything

anymore? Like girls?

I enjoy being afraid of Russia. It's a harmless

fear, but it makes America feel better.

Russia gets an inflated sense of

national worth from our paranoia.

How's that?

Good.

Good. I have to check in

with the death squad now.

Did you see her at the hospital?

Who?

Dale Biberman.

Who?

No, I said I'm sorry

I woke the baby.

Well, I kind of got

in an accident.

I know I don't have any

insurance. Just stop shouting.

I need the phone.

- You gonna ask if I'm okay?

- Give me the phone.

Kevin's here. He says

he wants to say hello.

Hi, Felicia.

How you doing?

Me? Oh, you know,

it ain't easy being me.

Will you both give Billy a break?

He lost his job today.

Poor thing.

He lost the job Alec got for him?

Yeah.

Did you give him any money?

A little.

Wendy!

I thought you were gonna definitely take steps to

cut out everything that wasn't working in your life.

Doesn't leave much.

I better break this to Alec gently.

- Hi, Leslie.

- Hi, Les, how you doing?

You know this thing with you

and Billy is way too destructive.

Life in the fat lane.

Wendy, you're not fat.

My thighs are fat.

No diet works.

Only way to lose weight

in your thighs is amputation.

What you need to amputate

is Billy the Kid.

I know.

I know, but I can't.

I don't get it.

Me neither.

How about we cut out of here?

Well, yeah, but I came

with some girlfriends.

Look, this face seats five.

Excuse me.

Could I see you

in the men's room, please?

Sure. Wait,

it'll just be a second.

Alec. Alec!

Excuse me.

What?

Step into my office.

A little pick-me-up?

All right.

Why didn't you tell me

you lost another job?

For some insane reason,

I thought you might take it badly.

- Don't drown him. He's a father.

- That's right. You're a father.

When are you gonna grow up?

Oh, like this is real mature, Al.

I just get angry

because you're putting so

much pressure on the rest of us.

Working for Sen. Pomerantz

wasn't for me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's all right. The wet look is in.

Asshole.

That's Mr. Asshole to you.

How come they put ice in urinals?

- Tastes better.

- Ba-dum-bum.

If we could find the money, it would

be better to get a longer sofa.

Tommy Bancroft said I could work

on the weekends for Hodges.

It's a step up.

Isn't Hodges a Republican?

Oh, my God. You're right.

Whatever happened to that Alec Newbary

political conviction I fell in love with?

Well, working for a Republican

senator pays a lot more

than working for

a Democratic congressman.

We could get the longer sofa,

and we could get married.

Married? We just moved in together.

I know. It's great, isn't it?

We're not ready yet.

Oh, I am ready.

You're always ready.

I'm gonna get you a red,

lacy baby doll nightgown.

Alec, I'm very happy in your old

pyjamas, thank you very much.

I'm happy when you're

out of my old pyjamas,

thank you very much.

Oh, come on.

You don't need that thing.

We're getting married soon, let's take

a chance, play some Russian roulette.

And guess who has to carry

the bullet around for nine months?

Senator Hodges?

Right.

Jules.

So this scuzzy

welfare hospital calls me.

Remember my father's

second wife? My step-monster?

The one who used to lock you

in the closet every time you cried?

Yeah. She gambled away all

the money she got out of my father,

is on her deathbed and puts

me down as her next of kin.

What about your father?

Oh, he's in South Africa

somewhere with his new wife.

Who, it turns out, is just

three years older than I am.

If I don't get in touch with him, guess who's

gonna be stuck paying for this old witch's funeral.

Is there some insane

irony to this or what?

Thanks, Alec.

Alec is becoming a Republican, and

he wants to get married. Oh, my God.

I always knew he was a Republican.

What should I do?

I think you should have another shot.

I think so too.

Besides, you two were the couple always most

likely to couple, and don't you forget it.

Yes, I'm sure your father will

take care of everything.

Yes, just like he takes care

of everything else.

You're always coming to

my rescue. What can I say?

Far be it from me to come

between two old roommates.

Good night.

Good night.

Thanks, guys.

How do you feel about

box springs?

Quick, what's the meaning of life?

Dale Biberman.

Who?

Dale Biberman. Didn't you

see her at the hospital tonight?

She's the girl that I was madly in

love with when we were freshmen.

Okay, okay. She's about yea

tall. Long, dark hair, beautiful face.

Okay, okay. Remember that big fountain?

The one on main campus that says:

"Knowledge, Art, Religion, Life"?

The day that we were walking past

that, she was sitting on the "Life" side,

and she just smiled at me.

What are you talking about?

You took her to one movie.

Kevin, there are several

quintessential moments in a man's life:

Losing his virginity,

getting married, becoming a father,

and having

the right girl smile at you.

I'm not gonna live through another

year of finding your poorly written,

unmailed love-scratchings

around this house.

Zing. I have

her hospital schedule.

It's true love, my friend.

Love. You know what love is?

Love is an illusion created by

lawyer types like yourself to perpetuate

another illusion called marriage,

to create the reality of divorce and

the illusionary need for divorce lawyers.

I just can't deal with

the little missis. Can I crash?

You know, there are more people

in law school right now

than there are lawyers on the

entire planet. Think about that.

You're just pissed off and bitter because

you have not had sex in how long?

What is it, a year, maybe two years?

Refresh my memory, please, Kevin.

Haven't you ever heard

of the sexual revolution?

Who won, huh? Nobody.

Used to be sex was the only free

thing. No longer. Alimony. Palimony.

It's all financial, love's an illusion.

It's the only illusion that counts.

Says who?

Anyone who's ever been in love.

Love sucks.

So does your attitude.

Huh-huh-huh.

Thank you.

What are we gonna do with you? You should've

bought the red dress. Red drives men wild.

Hi, beautiful.

Like Porsches?

Wow.

See?

I have a madman

in my life already.

It's good, huh? It's interesting.

I forgot to spin at the end.

All right, I'll see you in a bit.

- Hey, Jules.

- How about a lift?

Hi.

Hi.

- Hi, baby.

- Missed you.

How'd you do?

Well, thanks to Alec, I

am now an official pollster.

Who wants to suck back a few

bloody marys at St. Elmo's, on me?

No. I have to

get back to work.

Since when do you

work on Saturdays?

Since he started volunteer

moonlighting for Senator Hodges.

What the hell is the three-year president

of Georgetown's Young Democrats

doing working

for a Republican now?

Moving up, Kirbo.

Ooh!

- Let's get trashed anyway!

- For a change.

Huh-huh-huh.

You haven't been here

since you helped me move in.

- Oh, did you move in too?

- I only remember 800 pairs of shoes.

Ba-dum-bum.

So what do you think?

Very, uh, subtle.

And very pink.

Jules, where are you getting

the money for all this?

Why do you think God

invented credit?

For fabulous people like me.

Would you fix us a drink?

Yeah.

Kev, I knew you'd like it.

You have such sensitivity.

Oh, by the way, I want you

to meet my decorator, Ron.

He's so fabulous, and he

lives right across the hall.

Ron?

Uh-huh.

Come sit down. Let's relax.

Jules, why do I feel like

I'm not here by accident?

I have been needing to talk to you.

Sounds like one of our

infamous conversations is coming.

Like when you met my parents and

decided I was adopted. Remember that?

I still think your mother's

hiding something from you.

Kevin, I'm curious.

Mm.

You know all those nights

we stayed up talking?

How come you never made

a pass at me?

What?

Don't you find me attractive?

Do you know you're the only guy at

school who never made a pass at me?

Well, if you notice,

I never joined the Army either.

Kev, you've got a problem.

You're gay, and you're

madly in love with Alec.

I see.

It's okay. We all love Alec.

He's our hero.

But he's very, very straight.

And very taken.

Jules, there's the brink of

insanity, and then there is the abyss

which, obviously, you've fallen into.

Kev, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

Gay became chic in the '70s.

No, I'm not ashamed.

I am not gay.

And I am not staying.

Kevin!

Look at me in this robe.

Are you hard? No.

Let me just introduce you to Ron.

He's gay too, and he's so fabulous.

Ron, Kevin's here!

Kevin, wait, please.

I've seen enough pink for today,

thank you very much.

He's just not ready to face

reality yet. I'll get back to you.

Please.

Excuse me, sir,

we do not open until 11.

That's cool. I'll wait.

Do you have a reservation?

For Keger. Party of two, 1:00.

And I want this table.

I'd be very happy to find a

lovely table for you and your guest,

but this is a table for four.

Well, then I'll pay double.

You could order a nice

Napa Valley chardonnay.

Or if she's really worth it, you

could get an import to impress her.

Well, money's no object.

Really?

Then Montrachet or Meursault.

And make sure

you smell the cork.

So who is she?

Never mind.

Thank God it's payday!

Jules, you're advanced

on your salary by two months.

I have no cheque for you.

Thanks, Jules. You're

the greatest. I owe you.

That's good because

I owe everyone else.

Judy, I have to pay for my

stepmother's funeral, then I'll catch up.

I'm afraid you'll have to speak

with Forrester Davidson.

The president of the bank?

I'm sorry I'm late.

Hi.

Hi.

Thank you.

Have you been waiting long?

Just got here.

The food is great here.

Yes, and I'll be having the alfalfa

sprouts and a plate of mashed yeast.

Are you vegetarian?

No, that's from Annie Hall. The movie

we saw together. Don't you remember?

That's funny. I thought we went

to see a Mel Brooks movie.

No, no. It was Annie Hall.

Uh...

- So...

- Miss Biberman?

Yes?

Telephone.

Thank you. Hello?

Yes, doctor, right away. I'm sorry.

I have to get back to the hospital.

I hope we can

do this again sometime.

When?

Why don't you give me a call?

I'm so sorry.

Great.

Listen, Kirbs, you're not really gonna

go to med school just to impress this girl

with whom you have

a fleeting infatuation, are you?

It's not just infatuation,

Kevin, and she's not just a girl.

She's the only evidence of God that I can find on this

entire planet, with the exception of the mystical force

that removes one of my socks from

the dryer every time I do the laundry.

Fluff and fold, buddy.

Soon as I make it really big,

I'm going fluff and fold.

Dreamer.

I understand the fold,

but what's the fluff?

Fluff's what I write for the paper.

Ba-dum-bum.

What am I doing wrong here?

Let me see.

Listen, Les, you think my

attachment to Alec is unnatural?

No. I think mine is.

He tell you he wants to get married?

Four years ago, the day he met you.

But since he was

a Democrat then,

and now he's a Republican,

I'd say all bets are off.

God! How do most women

do this every night of their lives

and not go completely insane?

They are insane.

Love, marriage, children,

relationships. It's all insane.

You're okay.

Thanks.

Did I tell you my perfect sister and her

perfect husband are getting a perfect divorce?

Stay away from love.

I can't.

Kevin, you've been in love.

Doesn't Alec hate peppers?

Oh, come on.

You must have been in love

with someone, sometime.

Yeah, once.

Junior high. I played bongos in this band,

and I fell in love with our lead singer.

And she sang "We've Only Just

Begun" as sweet as Karen Carpenter.

So one night, I got really high on this

cheap malt liquor and pledged my love to her.

Next day she ran off with

a bass player named Ringo.

So I turned in my bongos

for a battered Underwood typewriter.

On which you'll type your way to

becoming one of the most important

writers in America.

I wouldn't hold your breath.

I can't even organise any of these

thoughts into anything for the paper.

Kevin, maybe you need to stop

thinking so much and fall in love again.

Love sucks.

- Hi, guys.

- Hi.

Hey.

Rough day on the right wing, dear?

This is for me?

- Al...

- Try it on.

Kevin, stir the vegetables.

Right.

Leslie has to marry me soon.

Why? Are you pregnant?

What is your marriage hurry?

I'm gonna kill myself.

It's only peppers, Al.

I can't believe what I just did.

I innocently go downtown

to buy the nightgown,

and this amazingly leggy blond

salesgirl offers to model it for me.

So we wind up doing it standing up in the

dressing room in front of a three-way mirror.

So there were six of you.

Huh-huh-huh.

If Leslie would just marry me.

Marriage will make you faithful?

Yes.

I'm sorry, the notion of two people spending

their entire lives together was invented by people

who were lucky to make it to 20

without being eaten by dinosaurs.

Marriage is obsolete.

Dinosaurs are obsolete.

Marriage is still around.

- Alec, come here.

- This is obscene!

I love it.

Stir those vegetables.

Don't look!

Don't look.

Okay, ta-da!

Oh, come on.

Alec. Ah!

Kevin... I don't care.

- Get off of me!

- He'll burn my vegetables!

- No, he knows what he's doing.

- No, he doesn't.

Get off of me!

Look at this creep.

Hi, you want a date?

- Hi, you want a date?

- Maybe later, baby.

How come you never

ask me if I want a date?

Because I thought you were gay.

Why would you think I'm gay?

Because I never see you with a girl.

And you always look real strange.

Well, for your information, I happen to be in

love with someone, only they don't know it, okay?

Guess you wouldn't understand

about loving someone from afar, huh?

Delaware's about as far

as I've ever been.

Is this person a he or a she?

It's a secret. I guess you wouldn't

understand about that either, huh?

Darling, lots of people

come to me for love,

and it's a secret.

Yeah.

Come back here.

This secret of yours, is it

a little one or a big one?

Hey, you want a date?

Alec Newbary.

Hi, Alec. It's Jules.

I'm over at the Van Buren Hotel.

What time is it?

I don't know.

Listen, I'm with these Arabs, and

they've been forcing me to do coke

all night. And I'm not sure, because

I don't understand very much Arabic,

but I think I heard

the words for "gangbang."

Alec, you gotta come get me.

Please?

I'm in the Potomac Suite.

Alec, you should be sainted.

No, then I'd have to wear underwear.

I love you.

Then marry me.

Yes, who is it?

Open the door!

Alec, what are you doing here?

They hardly impressed me

as the gang-bang type.

How much coke did you do?

I don't know. They have barrels full.

You know, Jules, sometimes I think

you just make these dramas up to test me.

Why don't you come over

for a while?

No, I have to be

at work in the morning.

Come on.

No.

Well, I don't want to be alone.

Who are you calling?

A systems analyst.

A very hot Jewish guy.

You the new Mideast ambassador?

It's really late.

Let me drive you home.

And waste all this good coke?

Hi.

It's Jules. Did I wake you?

Our real purpose is to get you off welfare

and train you in a skilled profession.

Now, do you have any interest

in the janitorial field?

Just give me my cheque.

There are some educational...

Just give me my cheque.

Okay.

You know, you get yourself some

hot clothes, and get yourself a man

and you won't be worrying

about all this shit.

Welfare recipients are

getting better looking.

Do you ever feel like you're not

accomplishing anything all?

I think I'm in touch

with that emotion.

Let's get a drink.

Okay.

Billy, how come you're not at work?

And this is our first store,

built in 1953.

We now have 24 Card-a-terias,

the largest greeting-cards

franchise in the East.

What line are you in?

Munitions.

Please don't bring up

moving out tonight.

He'll have a heart attack

in front of your boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend.

Well, then, there's a nice

young guy working for us now.

Howie Krantz.

Libby, please.

Candace, do just like grandmother did. Right in the

middle, right in the centre of the plate, neatly.

Mom, you look beautiful.

I'm fat, I'm thin. I'm fat, I'm

thin. I'm blond, I'm brunette.

Well, look at it this way. You always wanted

to look like Elizabeth Taylor, and now you do.

What do you think?

Is the roast big enough?

There are certain words my mother finds

too horrible to utter so she whispers them.

You'll get used to it.

Did you hear about

Betty Rothberg?

Cancer.

Oh, how awful.

Say, Bill, the day

I married Rachael,

I got three Card-a-terias.

I just bought a new BMW.

How great!

I was talking to Betty's daughter.

She moved into the new neighbourhood.

Only six Jewish families.

But very wealthy.

Are you in the card game too?

Six franchises.

- Where did you meet Wendy again?

- Prison.

What did he say?

Is $200 enough?

$200 is more than enough.

Thank you, Dad. Thanks.

If you would get married and ran a franchise like

your sisters, you wouldn't have to borrow money.

I have a job with the

Department of Human Services.

That isn't a job. It's just killing

time until you get married.

Thank you.

I'm very committed.

Daddy, I think I should

get my own apartment.

Grandpa! Grandpa!

Billy's on the roof!

What?

Wait a minute. Wait, wait.

This is so great!

All the years we lived here,

no one ever did this.

I used to do it all the time.

At the frat house, I'd crawl right out of

Alec's window on the roof with my horn.

This is ridiculous!

- My God! Wendy's up there too!

- Come on down here!

I knew it the minute

he came in the door.

Drugs!

Should we call the police

or the fire department?

Maybe we should let

Wendy handle it.

You miss school, don't you?

Yeah.

You know, school was

pretty out of hand.

In everyday life, there's just

no way to be out of hand.

You gotta be so...

You know, if it ever

got to be too much...

Like just... too much.

Oh, God.

Well, that's out of hand.

Don't you ever think about it?

Not while I'm still a virgin.

Why didn't you

ever tell me that before?

I don't know.

Come on. All those

guys you went out with...

Stuey Newman?

Oh, please.

Would you do it with

Stuey Newman? Well?

Be very quiet.

I'm hunting rabbit.

Nice.

I'm sorry.

Peace.

I'm sorry.

What the hell is that?

It's your scuba suit.

Wendy, I'm really sorry. You're

allowed to have fun when you're screwing.

Wend, I was... I'm sorry.

I don't think we should

see each other anymore.

What?

There's your rent money.

Wendy.

Wendy?

I want to meet the woman who's

turning Kirbo Keger into a doctor.

I've been an amateur

gynecologist for years.

Hey, Billy is great.

He's unbelievable.

Leslie, did I tell you?

Oh, sorry!

I went to see my boss. I thought I was gonna get

fired, but instead the man took me to dinner.

Jules, you're not gonna

start bopping your boss.

Too late. I'm gonna dance.

God!

Do you have an extra key to your

apartment that I can borrow tomorrow?

What for?

The lingerie salesgirl has

been calling me at the office.

You gotta learn to say no, buddy.

As soon as Leslie says yes, I'll say no.

Wendy.

Hi. This is Howie Krantz.

Howie, Kevin Dolenz.

How do you do?

Alec Newbary.

Alec. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Why don't you come

sit here at our table?

Oh, great.

That'd be great.

Thought you weren't coming here.

We were just passing by.

I'm in the greeting-cards business. I

work for one of Wendy's brother-in-laws.

Humongous future in greeting cards.

Ron!

Everybody, this is my friend

and decorator, Ron Dellasandro.

You remember Ron.

- Hello, Ron.

- Hi, Ron.

Hi, Kevin.

Hi, Ron.

And this is Wendy and Howie.

Unbelievable.

What?

So, what's wrong?

Billy's wife.

Who's she with?

Let's rock!

Hey!

Hey, take your hands off my wife.

Your wife?

You're not married to me. You're

married to your friends and the bar.

I said, get your hands off my wife.

- Is he kidding?

- Billy.

Get him out of here!

Yeah, get out of here,

Billy, you little shit!

You're a shit!

You're fired, Billy!

So are the rest of you.

Everybody out!

He's bleeding.

Yes, I know. Come on.

Come on.

I just had my nose done!

Goddamn it!

I tell you, I just should've

had a vasectomy at birth.

I tell you something, if you ever have boys, you just

do them a favour and get them neutered right away.

Because if they knock up some little slut,

they're the ones who are really fucked!

Fucked for life!

I hate you, you little bitch!

Listen, you stupid pig!

Get off me!

Get off of me!

Billy! Okay, Billy, come on!

Billy.

Felicia.

You just go ahead with

your evening with Howie.

Yes. No matter

what he looks like.

Happy Halloween.

Hi, secret love.

Trick or treat?

Or tricks and treats?

Hey, what would you say

the meaning of life is?

You got 50 bucks? I'll

show you the meaning of life.

I don't pay for sex.

Oh, no?

Oh. You think that

if you get a little wife

or girlfriend that

you don't pay? You pay.

Then you can never be sure

you're gonna get it. With Naomi...

Naomi?

Yeah.

You pay, and you get it.

Ooh. You get it good.

Food for thought.

I don't think I have

enough food to feed them.

We'll have plenty. We'll

be fine. There'll be enough.

- Hi.

- Hey.

What are you doing here?

We came to take you to lunch.

Le Petit Château, 1:00.

I can't leave here and go

to Le Petit Château.

Ladies, please, have

a little perspective.

Well, we could eat here.

We could?

Yes.

It's nutritious.

- Yes, it's an adventure.

- Grab a tray.

It is that.

Take this.

And for our entrée, Campbell

mushroom barley. How chic.

Hi, Myra. Meet my friends

Leslie and Jules. This is Myra.

Hi, Myra.

You need some salad.

How's Howie?

Oh, well, I wouldn't say my

father's trying to bribe me,

but he did offer me a Chrysler LeBaron

convertible if I'd get engaged to Howie.

Have you fucked him yet?

Jules! God!

Listen, get the car, fuck him and if

you don't like it, break the engagement.

Then you can still fuck him.

I'm sorry.

Not funny!

Sorry. Thank you.

Wendy, I don't want to

beat around the bush.

We really came here because

we're both worried about you.

No, Jules, actually that was a

scam that Leslie and I worked out

because we're worried about you.

Moi?

Okay.

So, what's up?

We're worried about you

and this affair with your boss.

Forrester?

Come on. He's wonderful.

Forrester is married.

Leslie, this is the '80s.

I bop him for a few years, get his job

when he gets his hands caught in the vault,

become a legend,

do a black-mink ad,

get caught in a sex scandal,

retire in massive disgrace,

write a huge bestseller and become

the fabulous host of my own talk show.

Well, silly of us to worry.

- It really is.

- He's helped me so much.

I mean, he's come up with so many

alternatives for my step-monster's funeral.

That's another thing. You seem obsessed

with this woman's dying. It's creepy.

Well, it turns out cremation is just as

expensive as the non-torch method.

And if I don't come up with a cheaper

solution, I'm gonna end up a bag lady.

Of course,

I'll have alligator bags.

Oh, no. Do you know what? I've gotta go. I

just remembered I'm supposed to meet Forrester.

Jules, you haven't even

touched your food.

That's okay. I really didn't want any. I'll talk

to you guys later. It's been a wonderful talk.

Nice meeting you, Myra.

I'll talk to you guys later, okay?

Sorry. I have to go.

Oh, God.

I told you.

Why is it that you

and Jules and my mother

and everyone I know are so sure

I should marry Alec?

Well, if you and Alec don't

get married, I don't know who should.

I love Alec.

It's just scary to think of spending

my whole life with him.

Then again, it's scary to think

of life without him too.

Men. Can't live with them,

can't shoot them.

Can't shoot them.

Seen Billy?

I was wondering how long it was

gonna take until you asked me that.

I know. It's like

stopping smoking.

I go as long as I can,

and then I just gotta have a hit.

Alec's got him working

for this Korean gangster,

and I think actually Billy's

doing a really good job.

Great.

That's great.

What? It's great.

Kim...

I thought you were

coming back on Thursday.

Watch your step.

Excuse me, sir, do you have

an invitation?

Excuse me.

Kirby!

How are you?

- I'm obsessed, thank you very much.

- But you don't even know me.

I'm very average.

Full of flaws.

I'm a slob. I can't even

make a bed straight.

I steal People magazine

from my dentist's office.

And look.

I rarely take out the garbage.

Here's my roommate, Judith.

She hates me.

I hate her.

And here's the worst of all.

When I first decided to be a doctor, I thought

it was because I wanted to serve people.

But now, well,

I'm starting to get this funny feeling that

what medicine's really all about is money.

Would you like some coffee?

It's money, isn't it?

Yes, of course, that's what you're trying

to tell me. It's because I don't have money.

Thank you for being so honest.

Kirby!

Get off! It's Billy Hicks, man!

The man, the myth, the legend!

The one and only Billy the Kid!

Seems like old times,

huh, Billy-boy?

Old times.

Troy, man, I was thinking

that maybe I could get

a job on campus

with the students, you know.

The fraternity, coaching. Anything.

Oh, yeah. We could use

somebody like you around here, Billy.

Really?

Yeah, we need somebody

to get us some good drugs, man.

Come on,

let's go play some ball.

What is that, your rattle?

Hi, babe.

Hi.

Remember Ray Slater?

The guy I was going out

with before I met you?

Well, he came by

to see me yesterday.

He still wants to marry me.

He said he'd take care

of me and Melody.

Don't you give up on me.

We could probably

still get an annulment.

No!

I'm gonna change.

I'm gonna get the right job.

There's gonna be no more drinking.

And no more women.

You're not gonna believe

how out of hand it's gonna be.

I work out of my house.

You must be available 24 hours a day.

Complete discretion

and loyalty. $500 a week.

I'm your man, Mr. Kim.

I must be able to trust you with

my house, my car, my private affairs.

Look no further, Mr. Kim.

I'm your man.

- That's her. Now open the door.

- Give me a break, will you?

Get out and open the door.

That's your job.

Hi, Dale.

Kirby, what are you up to?

Well, I was handpicked as

special attaché to Mr. Kim Sung Ho.

The famous Korean entrepreneur?

What about medical school?

Foolish pipe dream, Dale. I had to grab my

huge financial opportunities while I could.

It's all about money, right, Dale?

Well, good luck.

Look, I'm throwing a little party

at Kim's house on Saturday night.

I'd really like to see you there.

Thanks, Kirby. I'll try.

Good deal.

Did you see her face?

She'll be there.

Mr. Kim finds out you're having a party at his

house Saturday night, you'll be out in the street.

No way. He won't

be home until Sunday.

Besides, there's an extra $100

for you to keep your mouth shut.

Ooh.

So does this mean that

you're officially engaged?

Uh, yeah.

No.

It means I'm officially

thinking about it.

What is this, Howie? Didn't you think that

women were always dying to get married?

Not to me.

Oh, God, look at this.

You look great.

So where's the beautiful doctor

we've all been hearing so much about?

She's on her way.

You are so wrong.

College is like this four-year delusion

so you don't have to deal with reality.

- Hi, Les, Wen.

- Hi.

I mean, you're like lambs waiting

to be slaughtered, you undergrads.

I take it medical school is now out.

Absolutely. I am now a student of life.

Hi.

Hi.

This is my friend Howie

Krantz. Billy Hicks.

Hi, Billy.

Uh, well,

we'll see you a little later.

A friend of yours?

Huh-huh-huh.

Billy, I want you to know I'm not

gonna be getting you any more jobs.

Al, you're so perfect.

Such a young god.

You not only

have the right stuff,

you have the right job

and the right hair.

I, of course, have the wrong hair.

Forrester said he wanted to know exactly

what I'm looking for in this relationship.

So I told him love, companionship

and the vice-presidency.

Jules, it sounds like you have your

boss wrapped around your little finger.

Did I ever tell you what he likes

me to do with my little finger?

How's your stepmother?

Hanging on, the old witch.

Oh, but I did find this place in

California. It's called the Neptune Society.

They just wrap her up and

feed her to the sharks for $500.

All I have to do is ship her there.

She's worse.

It's gonna be a long night.

Yeah, hi. By any chance,

did Dale Biberman

get called in on

an emergency duty tonight?

No?

Okay. Thanks.

So how you doing?

Fine.

Are you still living at home?

Yeah. How about you?

Felicia hasn't kicked me out yet.

You been playing your sax?

No. I hocked it to pay the phone bill.

Have you forgiven me for

being such a horse's ass?

There's nothing to forgive.

Actually, I should thank you.

It helped me grow up a lot, made

me see how stupid I was being.

Trusting a guy like me.

You're very talented, Billy.

So are you still a virgin?

That's none of your business.

Well, then I want you to make another

emergency breakthrough. Do you hear me?

What do you mean, she won't

release it? Did you tell her who's calling?

Did you tell her I was giving

a goddamn party for her?

Make room.

The kid can't fly on one wing.

Come to Mama.

Quiet, please!

Quiet, please!

Quiet, please. Everyone!

Thank you.

Big Al has

an announcement to make!

Oh, well, now we're excited.

Huh-huh-huh.

On June 1,

Leslie Hunter will do me

the long,

long, long-awaited honour

of becoming my bride.

You're all invited!

Thank you very much.

Howie, what do you say we

make this a double wedding?

What's the matter

with you? Cut it out!

I thought we discussed this at home. We

come here, and you completely discount me.

I'm just trying to facilitate

the marriage process.

Do you want marriage, Alec,

or so you just want a yearly Christmas card

with the Newbarys in front of a fireplace?

You're just afraid to commit.

No, I'm not afraid to commit.

I have to have something for myself

first before I can share it with you.

Will you just for once

not use as the excuse for not

marrying me your goddamn career?

Fine. All right then.

I have a better excuse.

What are we gonna do about

your extracurricular love life?

Huh?

What extracurricular love life?

Alec, come on.

What did Kevin tell you?

Nothing.

What did you tell her?

What did you tell her?

He told me nothing.

It was just a hunch.

Until now.

I want you out of

the apartment tonight.

Kev, are you okay?

That's okay.

It's cool. It ain't a party

till something gets broken.

We're swinging now.

Get off the phone

and open up this goddamn door!

Are you the maniac that's been

trying to cut in on my line?

Oh, of course.

I should have known.

Where the hell is Dale?

She went skiing.

What do you mean? Where?

Why should I tell you?

Because I'm not responsible

for what I'll do to you if you don't.

- Which one is yours?

- I always forget.

So do I.

Let's go get a drink.

You want to?

Yeah, I do.

I've had a shit day.

I've had a shit year.

Where should we go?

I think the bars are closed.

Mm, yeah.

We could go to your place.

Okay.

Jules...

you know, you have really grown

into a fine-looking woman.

I don't feel very fine-looking.

You know, there's something I've

been wanting to ask you all night.

What you got on

underneath that skirt?

You should know.

Billy.

Come on.

Don't save it for your boss.

Can you keep a secret?

I have kept many secrets.

Billy, enough.

Enough!

Says who?

I say.

Oh, you say.

That's right.

I bet you wouldn't have so much

to say with me in your mouth.

Billy, I'm serious.

I said no!

Billy, give me my keys.

Come and get them.

You shit, give me my keys!

Come here.

No! Give me my keys!

Come on!

I'm getting a boner now!

Yes.

Give me the keys!

I love it!

Give me my keys.

Oh, watch the crease.

Watch the crease.

I needed a friend tonight.

Get back in the Jeep and assume

the missionary position.

You break my heart.

Then again, you break

everyone's heart.

Jules.

Hey, Jules, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

Who is it?

Is Dale Biberman in there?

Who wants to know?

Kirby Keger!

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell are you?

Kirby.

What are you doing here?

Who is that?

- Stop him, Guy. Will you?

- I'm buck naked.

Kirby, stop!

Come inside!

This guy is crazy.

Come on, you've got no snow

tyres or chains. You've got no traction.

Kirby, please.

You're not gonna get out of

here tonight. Come on inside.

I'll stay in the car!

He wants to stay in the car.

He'll freeze.

People have died out here,

you know.

So just leave me alone,

all right!

Just get away from me

and leave me alone!

Kirby, please come inside.

Ta-da.

I haven't been here

for a long time.

It's still the same.

You know, small and ugly.

But then again,

it is small and ugly. Here.

You sure you don't wanna go

to some nice, ladylike hotel?

No. No, I'll be fine here

for tonight.

As long as I'm not putting you

or Kirbo to any trouble.

No, it's fine.

Is that a coffin?

Yeah. I got it because I thought

girls would think it was sexy.

And do they?

How would I know?

Well, you better not let Jules see it, because

she'll probably steal it for her stepmother.

You want to sit down there?

When did you win

all these writing awards?

Oh, never. They're more

effect to impress young ladies.

Oh, I did win something.

In eighth grade

I won Best Haiku Poem.

I beat out David Autry.

Quite a thrill.

So I've wandered into a real

woman trap here, haven't I?

Yes.

Only you're the first woman I ever got

up here, and I blew all my props already.

You want some brandy?

Yeah.

Yeah? Good.

Am I part of your props?

Your clothes should be dry

in a few hours.

He's a doctor, isn't he?

And here are some pyjamas.

You expect me to wear his pyjamas?

We'll talk in the morning.

Alec was the first.

You know?

I mean, there were other

guys for me in high school.

Boys.

Alec was

the first love of my life.

Do you know, I sometimes think if

we hadn't ended up in the same dorm,

I would have just met

someone else. So would he.

Alec had the luck

of geography, right?

Whatever we say about Alec

we'll regret tomorrow.

Tell me something.

What do you think about our relationship

as an outsider? I want you to be honest.

Really.

You want me to be honest?

I don't know.

Yes.

Yeah?

Okay.

Dangerous question.

Well, I think I hang around

you guys so much personally

because, well,

you're all I think about.

Me?

And I think that the reason

I'm not interested in other women

and why I haven't had sex

in so long

is because I am

desperately, completely

in love with you.

Ooh.

Kevin.

We won't even remember this

tomorrow, huh?

It is tomorrow.

Oh, I love you!

I've always loved you!

Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry!

No, no, I love it! I love it!

What are you doing?

Nothing. Where is this thing?

It's in the front.

Okay. Wait.

Kevin!

I broke your shower!

Kirbo?

No.

Alec.

I gave him a key.

Okay, Kevin.

I'm only gonna

ask you this once.

Did you tell Leslie

about my screwing around?

No.

I believe you, Kevin.

I want you to know that I

believe you, and I'm sorry I hit you.

Kevin.

I don't think

that I am ever gonna be able

to get Leslie back.

Buddy, I kind of got

some company.

Oh, Jesus.

- I'm sorry.

- It's all right.

- I never thought...

- I'll call you tomorrow.

I never thought...

I'll call you later.

I just assumed it was

not possible.

Just a minute. Tell me.

What?

Is it the fat chick from the party?

Let me call you later, all right?

Come on. Come on.

No, no, no.

I have to...

I have to know.

Is it the fat chick from the party?

It's not the fat chick.

There is no way

that this is happening.

It happened, Alec.

Alec... Shut up!

Where is Kirby Keger?

Um...

He took my new car.

It started!

You better hurry up before

it starts snowing again.

So drive carefully.

Nice meeting you, Kirby.

Uh, honey, I'll get the camera, and

we'll take a photo of you guys, okay?

I don't really know you that well,

but you seem like a fine person.

And I want you to know

I'm flattered by all this.

And deep down, I'm sure, for a long time I'll

wonder if maybe somehow this isn't my loss.

Smile.

There you are.

Later, dude.

Hi, Daddy.

Hey, hi.

This is some neighbourhood.

Did you get your car fixed?

Yeah. I got a personal letter

from Lee Iacocca.

I did. They fixed everything

for nothing.

Good.

But I can't keep it.

I don't feel right about driving a car like that and

then working with people who can't afford to eat.

Keep the car.

You and Howie will need it.

Well, Daddy,

I'm giving Howie back too.

I don't love Howie.

Well, we learn to love. I mean,

there's marriage and there's family

and the family business.

That's what's important.

I have my own job.

And I want to get my own apartment.

But you can keep your job

until you're pregnant.

I mean, Howie's a fine boy,

and I don't think

you need your own apartment.

Dad.

Do you ever hear me?

Well, I do.

I don't love Howie.

I don't love him.

I love Billy.

Billy from the roof?

Yeah.

I specifically took off work today because

I thought you weren't gonna be here.

I'm sick.

What's wrong?

Just sickness.

You can't have

the Pretenders' first album.

That's mine.

I bought it.

You did not!

You can have all the Billy Joels.

Except The Stranger.

I'm taking Thriller

and Mahler's Ninth.

Kevin is so fond of Mahler.

I moved in with Jules.

Oh, how nice.

Roomies again.

No Springsteen

is leaving this house!

You can have

all the Carly Simons.

You got me those

for Valentine's Day.

Remember when there were

still valentines around here?

You ran out on this relationship.

You take the consequences.

I didn't run out on anything.

You ran out.

You fucked Kevin!

You fucked many!

Nameless, faceless many!

I feel much better now.

Thanks.

You're not taking The Police...

Anyway, I didn't just fuck Kevin!

I was confused and angry,

and I care about him very deeply.

Get your clothes,

give me the keys and get out!

Now!

I can't believe

this is happening to us.

Wasted love!

God, I just wish

I could get it back.

You did it!

I think I'll probably

be back doing obits tomorrow.

No, no. You're gonna attract

a lot of attention with this.

Yeah? You think?

It's because of you.

Yeah, I couldn't write anything

till you. What?

Don't you guys ever use a bed?

Hi, Jules.

Hi, kiddies.

I'm gonna show Jules your piece.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait.

What?

Hi, Ron.

Hi.

Kevin has his first byline.

Really? That's great.

Let me see.

"Tract Housing in Maryland"?

No, it's the other piece.

Oh, "The Meaning of Life."

Listen, I gotta go. Forrester's waiting for me.

Did the hospital call? Did my step-monster die?

Jules.

- Listen, he's waiting for me. I gotta go.

- Jules, I wanna meet him.

Not now, but I'll have him wave up.

She's out of control.

Since the day we met her.

- Who is that?

- Jules' boss and lover.

International banking seems

to have gotten sexier.

Speaking of which, I don't want to get

ahead of myself here, but I was thinking

maybe we'd get a place together.

What?

I know it's fast,

but I also know love you.

Kevin. Kevin.

What?

Sex isn't love.

What's that mean?

That means

that you were sitting there with all

these feelings, incredible feelings,

tied up in a box

with my pictures.

And I needed

to break away from Alec.

- Hello.

- Hi.

Hi.

I'm not very proud

of my behaviour.

Alec.

Hang up.

Who's that?

No.

That's not Kevin, is it?

You're not with Kevin

playing my records?

Alec, stop it, please.

Tell him we're moving in together.

We're not moving in together!

So the two of you are

moving in together.

I just wish everything could be

like it used to be, all of us friends.

I don't want to be friends.

I didn't mean that.

I mean, it was an accident.

I'm beginning to think that

there aren't any accidents.

And I would really like it

if you would just leave.

Okay?

Great.

You were right all along, buddy.

Love sucks.

Yep.

So you gonna get the old job back?

No way.

Soon as I get back in school, I'm

gonna work part-time for a law firm.

Did you know that there are

as many students in law school

as there are practising lawyers?

Sounds familiar.

I always thought

we'd be friends forever.

Yeah, well, forever got a lot

shorter suddenly, didn't it?

Okay, call Mary Dusit

at that number.

Yeah, I'll call.

I'll call you back.

Alec, I'm sorry to

bother you here.

Did you forget

one of your albums?

It's Jules.

After she left for work

this morning,

some finance company came. They took

away her furniture, her Jeep, everything.

I tried to reach her, but I couldn't get

through, so I went over to her office.

She's been pretending to go to work every day,

telling me she's still having an affair with her boss.

Alec, he fired her

three weeks ago.

So I confronted her. And at

first she denied everything.

But then she went crazy.

And now she's locked herself in the

apartment and she won't let me back in.

Alec.

Please, I need your help.

Hi, Jules.

Open the door.

- Jules, open the door.

- She's in there.

She's got it dead bolted.

Jules!

What's he doing here?

I called him.

Did you call all your lovers?

Is the guy who took you to your

high-school prom gonna join us too?

Alec.

What?

What's happening with Jules?

She's bolted the door.

The fire escape!

Jules, open up!

Jules, what are you doing?

You're gonna freeze to death.

I think that's the idea.

Jules, honey, it's me!

Jules, you're really

scaring me now!

The whole country's falling apart,

but these bars are made perfect.

We need a hacksaw.

Or an experienced thief.

I'll find Billy.

I was kidding.

He's working over at

the Amoco station on Michigan.

I'll see if he's got something.

He's just around the corner.

Billy's working at a gas station?

- He needed the money.

- Jules!

You little shit!

Ah!

Alec! Alec, no!

Here!

What's happening?

How do you feel now, best friend?

My notes!

You won't be needing your notes

on the meaning of life anymore.

Alec, stop it right now!

You're gonna kill him!

This isn't gonna solve anything, Al.

Think of your political career.

Alec, stop it!

After all I've done for you!

I've done a lot for you too. So

why don't you just pull me up.

What you did for me, you little shit,

was to steal the woman

that I was gonna marry!

Alec!

Kirbo, help!

- Quick!

- Help! Alec, pull him up!

Looks pretty out of hand

up there.

Alec, stop it! Do you think

this is helping Jules?

I love her, man.

Give me a hand!

I got it! I got it!

You all right?

Super.

I'm going upstairs.

Somebody give me a hand!

Come on!

Jules, oh, my God! Jules, honey,

open the door. It's so cold.

Very noble how you ran up

here to save your lover.

He's not my lover.

Jules, listen... Bullshit!

Hey! I have never lied to you once since the

day I met you, you cocky shithead! Jules!

- Alec!

- We all love you.

Help!

Jules! Open this

goddamn door!

Blowtorch, anyone?

Give it to me.

- Do not hand that man a blowtorch.

- Here, put these on.

Jules, open the door! Did you hear

me? Open the door or I'll bust it down!

Jules! Okay, I'm coming

through this door!

You know I'm crazy enough

to do it!

What's happening?

I'm going in.

Hi, Billy.

What's the big deal here?

You lost a job?

Jules, I've lost 20 of

them since graduation.

Plus a wife and kid.

In a new development, a handful

of hair in the shower this morning.

That's better.

You know,

this smells to me like

a little bit of self-created drama.

I should know. I've been

starring in a few of my own.

Do you know what I've been

doing every day since I got fired?

No. What?

I've been going down to the hospital

and sitting with my step-monster.

We've had the best talks

we've ever had.

Of course, she's in a coma,

which really pisses me off.

Because all that time,

I just waited

for one word from that woman

about why my father

hates me so much.

No.

Jules, you know,

honey, this isn't real.

You know what it is?

It's St. Elmo's fire.

The electric flashes of light that

appear in dark skies out of nowhere.

Sailors would guide

entire journeys by it.

But the joke was on them.

There was no fire.

There wasn't even a St.

Elmo. They made it up.

They made it up because they thought they needed

it to keep them going when things got tough.

Just like you're making up

all of this.

We're all going through this.

It's our time on the edge.

I'm just so tired, Billy.

I never thought

I'd be so tired at 22.

I just don't even know

who to be anymore.

Join the club.

You know, no one was buying this

together-woman-of-the-eighties stuff anyway.

And all this time I was afraid

you'd find out I wasn't fabulous.

It's cool.

All this time I was afraid you'd

find out I was irresponsible.

Ha, ha.

They're laughing.

Yeah, the hysterical

laughter heard

most frequently from

schizophrenic paranoids.

Why don't you set up my drafting

table so we can have coffee on it.

Oh, baby.

I love you.

And then what happened?

That was it.

We came out of the

bedroom, and then I shot her.

No, you did not.

You saved her life.

Oh, let's not be dramatic, Wen.

So when did you get so sane?

When I realised how insane

I'd been trying to be like Alec.

I'm not part of this

after-college life.

Careers. Marriage.

Felicia and Melody'll be

better off without me.

Did she get remarried already?

Mm-mm. In about

three or four weeks.

I was thinking of hanging

around and being

one of those I'll-see-you-

on-the-weekend dads.

That's not what Melody needs.

Besides, it'd confuse everybody.

Billy, you don't have to.

Come on, it's not even half of

what I owe you.

I'm gonna get you the rest as

soon as I get settled in New York.

If I can find someone who's

fool enough to let me play my sax.

Oh, they'll let you play.

You're really...

Talented, Billy.

You are.

This place is great, Wen.

Yeah.

You want to know what's great?

Last night, I woke up

in the middle of the night

to make myself a peanut

butter and jelly sandwich.

And you know, it was my kitchen,

and it was my refrigerator

and it was my apartment

and it was the best peanut butter

and jelly sandwich

I've had in my entire life.

You're really going, huh?

So you still a virgin?

Why is my sexual status

so important to you?

Have I abused our

relationship too much,

or could I be so bold as to ask

you for a going-away present?

Oh, God.

Good luck.

You're gonna be okay.

So are you.

Forgive me for

not getting intimate.

Here. Long ride.

You shouldn't have.

I know.

You're beautiful.

Never shave.

Don't go changing to please me.

Bye.

Don't let her go.

Go get out of hand.

I'm gonna keep in touch.

No, you will not.

I can't remember

who met who first

or who fell in love

with who first.

All I can remember is

the seven of us always together.

And I've made a decision.

I think

I have to be

by myself for a while.

I thought I was

the miracle of your life.

I thought I was the

miracle of your life.

I love you both.

I'm gonna try life without

any miracles for a while.

I hope we can still be friends.

Uh...

Uh...

Sure.

Sure.

Let's kill her.

Well, do you want to

go in and get a drink?

I gotta be at work real early tomorrow.

Me too.

I need to find a job tomorrow.

Me too.

Well, how about brunch

on Sunday?

That sounds good.

Great.

So we meet here

around 12:30?

Yeah.

Uh, why don't we go to Houlihan's?

Not so noisy.

Not so many kids.

- Great.

- Okay, so Sunday, 12:30.

- Guess what?

- You guys will never believe it.

I found out that it only costs

$250 to bury a cat.

So I figured, why don't I just put

my step-monster into a large cat suit?

Huh-huh-huh.