Squeeze Play (1979) Movie Script

Greetings from

Tromaville, and welcome

to the digitally remastered

version of the DVD

of Squeeze-- "Squeeze Play."

[GRUNT]

"Squeeze Play" was

made around 1977.

And like so many Troma

movies, drew its inspiration

and its theme from current

events, news stories

of the day-- in this case, the

women's liberation movement,

the most important American

revolution of our century.

"Squeeze Play" has an

amazing special effect,

where a softball actually

flies into a man's butt hole.

Many people want to

know how we did that.

First, we had a

man eat a softball.

Then, we turned on

the cameras, and we

waited until he defecated.

[FARTING NOISE]

But perhaps "Squeeze Play" is

the first women's liberation

film in the history of

cinema which actually has

a graphic wet T-shirt contest.

"Squeeze Play" was also

interesting in that Al Corley

is one of the stars of the

film, and he went on to become

Carly Simon's squeeze.

And he starred in

"Dallas" on television.

And, um, also-- uh-- what the

hell is wrong with my brain?

Ah, yes.

Jim Harris became not only

the star of "Squeeze Play,"

but he went on to

star in "Waitress."

Jennifer Hetrick,

after "Squeeze Play,"

became a star of "LA Law."

"Squeeze Play," while it's

a movie about the women's

liberation, and

that's the theme,

"Squeeze Play" concerns

a women's softball team.

Made 1976, it is

not to be confused

with the much inferior

movie, "League of Their Own,"

directed by Penny Marshall.

"Squeeze Play"--

-I love you.

Oh, squeeze--

I'm gonna squeeze you.

Oh, I think it's

time for us to watch

the digitally remastered,

director's cut version,

of "Squeeze Play."

Let's watch.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER):

There are ten thousand

stories in the big city.

This isn't one of them.

Now, this is the story of

Spring Down, New Jersey, where

the residents only

know New York exists

when they look across

the river or when

the wind blows the wrong way.

Today there's only one

thing that interests

this sturdy breed.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[HORN HONKING]

And that's softball.

Oh, I gotta go.

S-- Samantha, I gotta get off.

I gotta get off.

You've gotta get off?

What about me?

-Sorry, honey.

It's a big game.

Wes, just a couple

more minutes.

They can wait.

Wes.

Ugh.

I'll see you at

the game, honey?

-Yeah.

-Love you.

Yeah.

[KISS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I am sick and

tired of asking you.

No more softball!

-Yes, yes, that's right.

You hear me?

I told you, you couldn't

make chicken salad

without a chicken shit.

[HORN HONKING]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Take care of this baby, too!

You don't need no softball!

[BABY CRYING]

Where are you going, Tom?

Hold this baby.

I'm tired of you

and your softball!

Yes, baby, I know.

OK.

No, you're not.

You said you were going

to finish that sink.

Look, tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

It's been six weeks

since you started it.

I'll do it tomorrow.

Don't worry about it.

I'll do it tomorrow.

-I'm trying--

I don't blame you for crying.

Your father's a bum.

Tom, you forgot

your kiss goodbye.

[BABY CRYING AND DOG BARKING]

[CRASH]

Hey, you guys.

What do you think, turkeys?

Do you like the new suit?

GUYS: Hey, come on, Freddie.

Come on.

The night is young.

Hey, I'm coming.

I'm coming.

GUYS: Come on.

Come on.

What are you doing?

[LAUGHING]

Come on, let's go.

It's a banner day for Spring

Down athletic supporters.

Let me set it up for you, folks.

SOFTBALL PLAYER: Batter up.

GAME ANNOUNCER: This

is it-- the big one.

The Rockville Animals versus

the Spring Down Beavers

with the highly coveted

Mattress Workers

Softball League Championship,

the granddaddy of them all.

UMPIRE: Strike one.

GAME ANNOUNCER:

They say you're not

supposed to have a scoreless tie

in a regulation softball game.

They say you're not supposed

to go into extra innings

beyond the regulation seven.

They say that falling

in love is wonderful.

They say a lot of things,

but they are not here today.

So you can understand

why the hometown

fans are little upset with

their own scoreless Beavers.

Oh, boy.

Big shot.

[BABY CRYING]

GAME ANNOUNCER: The

Beavers have two out.

Wes is on third.

Allen is on first,

Fred Smudge is up.

Up, there's a signal.

The pitcher picks it up.

The Beavers are on to it.

Something's up, folks.

I think it might

be-- yes, folks,

we are on to a squeeze play,

and the crowd senses it, too.

The tension is tremendous.

Why, you could almost

hear a pin drop.

(SHOUTING) Yay, Freddie!

Yeah!

Well, now that we have

a moment of silence--

thank you-- let me fill you

in on the fundamental basics

of a squeeze play.

It may seem a bit complicated

to the uninitiated,

but actually it's quite simple.

First, you have a

man on home plate,

a man here on the pitcher's

mound, a man at shortstop,

and a man on third.

Now, wait a minute.

That's not it.

This man, the pitcher should

be at-- no, that's not it.

Now, wait a minute.

Uh, this man should be--

up, it's a bunt, folks.

It's the opening gambit

to a classic squeeze play.

[GULP]

-Safe.

-He's safe!

He's safe!

A perfectly executed

squeeze play, folks.

Yes, Cunningham is surely

the hero of the day.

When Spring Down hits

its mattresses tonight,

Cunningham's name

will doubtless be

on every pair of sleepy lips.

[WOOSH]

Oh, [NON-ENGLISH].

Ow!

Geez, what's the

matter with you, man?

I think you broke my hand.

Oh, what happened, Wesley?

Did you hurt your hand?

No, you hurt my

hand, you big jerk!

Oh, yeah, what are

you going to about it?

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

--[INAUDIBLE] love

what I'm going to do.

-A fairy feet?

-Fairy feet!

What are you going

to do about it?

You're always calling

me a fairy and something.

What's the matter with you?

-So what?

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

What's the matter, Bozo?

Can't you take a joke?

We're friends.

Oh-- wha-- w-- I--

wait a minutes.

I got something for

you, right here.

Look at this.

Look what I got for you.

That's a game bat

because you're my friend.

Oh, you're so cute.

What's the matter with him?

I him him, he give me a bat.

-Oh, hey, Bozo.

-Yeah.

What's that?

-Suck on this.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Honey, that's the worst thing

that ever happened to you.

Oh, no.

Wes and I have worked it out.

He's going to quit.

Ha.

Wes is a different kind of guy.

He wouldn't do that.

Hey, has anyone seen my jock?

Hey, I had to play the

whole game without it.

God, my gonads are gone.

Where is it?

-Woo!

Hey, look up your ass.

See for yourself.

Hey.

Anyone seen my jock?

Oh, oh.

Anyone seen my jock?

Oh, ow.

Has anyone seen my jock strap?

Keep slipping.

You'll find it.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Here's the beer, champ.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Come on, man.

You always have

to get in the way.

No, just stay away.

Hey, Wes, that

was a great game.

Thanks a lot, Pop.

That's all right.

Think nothing of it.

You guys are number one.

Pop!

Man, you are one

stupid geezer, man.

How are you doing

there, big guy.

I-- I-- I've just gotten

off the telephone with,

uh, Mr. Van Hooten.

And, um--

-Uh oh!

Sock it to him, Beavs.

[LAUGHING]

And, uh-- he has authorized

me, on behalf of the entire

company, to congratulate

you Beavers and especially,

uh, your team captain, uh,

Mr.-- uh, uh, Wes Cunningham--

Wes Cunningham, yeah!

That's him.

--on a-- on another

hard fart-- um--

I mean, hard fought victory.

He just wants to know that

we are all very proud.

Now, if you could

all bow your heads--

Aww!

--just for a

moment of silence.

And it-- and-- this isn't right.

Uh, there's a regulation listed.

I'm an officer of

the corporation,

and hey-- oh, my suit.

My suit!

Wes Cunningham, the dry luck.

Hey, hey, Mr. Macho Balls,

what took you so long coming

down the line today, huh?

You kidding?

That's the fastest he's

ever left the sack.

Hey, Wes, you gonna grab

a brew from Cuss from Hoe?

No, man.

I got some things to do.

Hey, you guys don't know?

Everything's got to be

cleared with Samantha.

Oh, bullshit.

Captain's supposed to

drink with his team, Wessy.

Hey, you can take

her along, Wes.

Oh, what!

Expose her to us cruder types?

Contaminate the princess?

The only thing you

assholes contaminate

are your right hands.

Ooh.

Hey, I'm left-handed.

Let me tell you guys something.

This is one guy who

doesn't let no female woman

of the opposite sex

push him around, man.

[FLUSH]

Oh, shit.

[LAUGHING]

Damn it!

Fuck, you guys!

Now listen carefully, Jamie.

Now you try to keep your

tongue out of the way.

Then you suck in real hard.

[SMACK] Don't make any noise.

Go ahead, try it.

[SMACKING KISS]

Oh, Samantha.

Jamie, that was good.

Now listen.

If he gives you a hickey,

here's how you get rid of it.

You take a comb, all right?

And you comb right

across, like this, OK?

That'll make it go away.

Samantha, this is stupid.

He never even touched me.

Fred doesn't even

know I'm alive.

Jamie, I know.

Why don't you accidentally

bump into him.

You know, like this.

What?

Let your tits do

the talking, sis.

Listen, toilet mouth,

if you don't shut up,

I'm going to tell Ma

about those magazines

I found under your bed.

Ah, Samantha.

I don't want Fred to

love me for my you know.

I know.

You've got a mind, too.

But what's bigger?

Samantha!

Huh.

Here-- here comes your fiance.

Oh, I'd better go.

See ya.

Well, take care.

[RASPBERRY]

Hi, breast.

Hiya, sailor.

New in town?

Hey, I'll meet you on

the docks in an hour.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, I want to drive.

Scoot over.

Alrighty.

Watch what you're

grabbing there, Samantha.

I'm not that kind of guy.

What did ya do?

Bring along your

[INAUDIBLE] little slugger?

Hey, why don't

you choke up on it,

and see if it'll get

ya to first base.

[SMOOCH]

Mm.

Come on, man.

What the hell are

you doing, jock?

I mean--

Hey, listen, man.

I'll meet you at

the Cuss from Hoe.

OK.

Here, [INAUDIBLE].

Have your beer.

See ya, later, OK?

What about some women.

Hey, don't worry about

the poo-- tang, you know.

We're going to be

swimming in it.

Hi, Fred.

Hi.

I-- I-- I've got

something for you.

What's that, James.

Here.

Uh.

Here, Fred.

Uh, uh, I don't use any

of this stuff, Jamie.

I've got something for ya.

It's-- it's right here.

It's all right, Jamie, uh--

H-- here it is.

You dropped this this morning.

I washed it for you.

Uh, nope.

Uh, that's not mine.

Yeah, 'cuz it's too big.

Ah, shut.

See ya, tonight?

Maybe?

My best suit.

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER): Meanwhile,

in another part of town, events

taking place in the exciting

world of high fashion

may forever change the course

of Spring Down history.

And you're sure I'm gonna

look just like Farrah Fawcett?

Yes, ma'am.

Our work is guaranteed.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Oh.

[GASP] Oh, a new me.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Fantasy Street.

Don't yell at me, lady.

Your hair will

grow back, blonde.

This is a nice

place you got here.

You the proprietor?

I'm the proprietor, yeah.

What can I do for ya?

You making fun of me?

No, I'm not makin' fun of you.

Oh.

Well, in that case,

here's my card.

Oh, Mr. Kock, huh?

What do you want, Mr. Kock.

That's Ko-CH.

You seen this tomato?

You a cop, Mr. Kock?

Private Dic, and that's Ko-ch.

Private dish.

That's dic.

Dick Kock.

Dic Koch.

Sam Ko-- Sam Koch-- Koch!

Look, you seen her, or ain't ya?

I've got your card.

I'll keep a wat-ch, Mr. Ko- CH.

Thank-S. Thanks a lot.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[GASP]

Oh.

Mary Lou, it's not time

for your break yet, is it?

Uh, I don't feel so good.

Well, you feel fine to me.

There was just someone

here asking for you.

Um, what did you tell him?

Tell him?

Well, Mary Lou, I

wouldn't tell him anything

without talking to you first.

Oh, thank you,

Monsignor Pierre.

Mm, no.

Now I don't know

what that man wanted,

and frankly I don't care.

Just so long as you

play ball with me,

I think we'll just

get along fine.

Gee, Mr. Pierre,

you know, I haven't

played ball in a while-- and

no, not since I left Georgia.

Mm-hm.

But I still think I know

exactly where they are.

Oof.

[SCREAMING]

Help, my hair!

(SCREAMING) Ahh!

Ahh!

Keep your filthy hands

off me, [INAUDIBLE].

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Call the fire department.

Mary Lou, look what--

look at my hair.

[FIRE TRUCK SIREN]

Look what you did, Mary Lou!

Look what you've

done to my hair.

Oh.

Hey, man, watch this.

I have you already

because my legs is

candy because it tastes good.

[HORNS HONKING]

Woo!

Whoa!

Hey, get outta here

before I break your face.

I'm going.

Bye.

[INAUDIBLE] break my faces.

Oh, Marie-- she

really cracks me up.

She's so cynical .

She thinks that were going to

be playing softball next year.

I say, "No way."

I mean, you know how

much it would hurt me.

Great game today.

Gonna do even better

next year, right, babe?

Hey, come on, babe.

So I tell her it's absolutely

untrue because of our agreement

about how after we're

married, no more softball,

no more of this Cuss From Hoe?

Just you and me, together.

Hey, wait, wait.

If they think we're

great this year,

wait till they see us next year.

Oh.

Later, Doc.

DOC EVANS: Next year, you'll--

Wasn't that Doc Evans?

Yeah.

Man, am I thirsty.

Anyway, I mean,

our relationship

is based on love and trust, and

I would think that we would--

Well, exactly.

Quick question, quick question.

Later, Godfrey, OK.

The bus company, they want

a deposit for next season.

What should I tell them?

Well, why are you asking Wes?

Next year's captain's

gotta decide.

Wes?

Godfrey, can we talk

about this later?

Just what does that

mean, next year's captain?

Isn't that great, honey--

You're going to play softball!

You're going to be captain!

You're going to leave

me alone in the house,

just like the others.

Well, let me tell you something.

I hate soap operas!

Samantha, will you

calm down, please?

Don't you tell me

to calm down, Wes!

You broke your promise to me!

I know, baby.

I'm sorry, but I was

going to tell you.

I swear it.

Listen, it's just

not fair, you know?

I'm their captain.

I'm a hero.

I couldn't quit.

Look, you're going to be

married to me, not them.

Honey, listen, you

know, I'll get old.

I can't play forever.

Yeah?

So what do I do?

Wait around until you're 65,

and I'll have you all to myself?

So?

And listen, on one said you

couldn't be a part of it.

All you had to do was go out

there and try out for yourself.

Sure, Wes.

Right.

Sure.

ONLOOKER: Does your

mommy know you're out?

Some, honey, I

think you're just

a little bit jealous of the

time we men spend together.

Leave me alone!

Honey, I love you.

What about all the children and

silverware we're going to have?

Huh?

Wes, this is you, the way

you're being right now.

I hate the way you

are when you're

with those grab-assing baboons.

All right.

They're young, but

they'll settle down.

They're the ones who

are jealous, you know?

They don't want you to love me.

Look, we'll teach

them about love, huh?

Together.

GIRL IN THE CROWD: I

don't care how big it

is, I won't put it in my mouth.

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER): And so,

with a little fast talking,

Wes lifts his fiance

up to the heady heights

of starry-eyed lovers

everywhere and convinces

her to join in the post-game

revelry at the local bistro.

[MUSIC - CAROL CASS, "LAST

LICKS"]

Meanwhile, Mary Lou makes

her travel arrangements.

She's going on a ride that

will take her where no Southern

belle has ever been before.

MARY LOU: I need to

make a phone call.

GIRL IN THE CAR: Oh, yeah.

Sure.

We were just going to, uh--

MARY LOU: Pull in here

GIRL IN THE CAR: Yeah.

Maybe we'll, uh--

MARY LOU: Have a drink.

GIRL IN THE CAR: Yeah.

MARY LOU: Well, fuck you!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

God damn it, me.

Why do I always-- I bet you this

doesn't happen to Ann Margaret.

Billy's waiting

for me in the car.

Shit!

I hope I'm not too late.

If he thinks I'm

going to be polishing

Chantilly silverware the

rest of my life, he is crazy.

Who was the last man

that rang your bell?

I'm telling ya,

all men are jerks!

W-- Well, maybe some.

But when I was a

little girl, my daddy--

my daddy would come over and

he would take us to the--

All daddies are jerks.

-Well, what does she know?

-Come on.

Let's go.

-My daddy's not a jerk.

What does she mean

all daddies are jerks?

I'll get you some food.

How's that?

Who, Gator?

Hey, lady, what's

that between your legs?

Oh, it's nothing

but Jimmy's head.

[MUSIC - THE EDSELS, "RAMA LAMA

DING DONG]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER): Cupid's

arrow often goes astray.

And who's to say a Georgia

peach shouldn't fall in love

with a popcorn-stuffed buffoon?

[CROWD CHEERS AND YELLING]

You think that's bad?

Last week, a girl had to walk

out of here in a table cloth.

It's like Sodom and Gonorrhea.

What on earth gives

them the right?

Softball.

In this town,

softball's the big deal.

When the guys win, they

think they own the world.

Softball.

Lord, Almighty, I'd

like to soften their--

Ooh!

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER):

And Samantha

begins to realize that her new

friend's pitching talent may be

the answer to the

dilemma faced by Spring

Down's female population.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Let's get some beers.

Hey, Rita, what

do you got there?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

Put those down.

Put them right here.

[SHRIEK]

Nothing works.

Hey, Jamie, do

you play softball?

What?

Look, this is Mary Lou.

She was GWSL champ

three times in a row.

What?

What she means is that

I played with the Georgia

Women's Softball League

for three years-- all star.

What?

Look, what if a woman

made the factory team?

Made the Beavers?

What?

Don't you see, a woman player.

It's already happening

in the little leagues.

What?

Ugh.

Look, if the guys had to

play with a female Beaver,

they'd let us all into

that part of their lives.

Great, Sam, and

after the game we

could sit around

polishing their bats

and talking about pop-offs.

Uh-uh.

Not me.

That wouldn't be so bad.

Fred would have the

shiniest bat on the team.

At least we'd be talking.

Teach them some respect.

For everyone.

You bet.

Sam, they'll never

give her a try-out.

Never, never, in

a million years.

You let me handle that.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Let's go up to my place.

I've got a surprise for you.

Well, Samantha,

I'm comfortable.

Let's just stay in my place.

-No, come on.

-Oh, OK, OK.

I'm coming.

-Come on, Wes.

Watch the stairs,

Sam, would ya?

Now.

Come on.

I want you.

Hurry.

You know, if my bath hadn't

overflowed into your dinner

table, we may never have met.

Oh, it's been a real pleasure

living under you, Sam.

I've now had the ultimate

experience of spaghetti

with Palmolive sauce.

[DOOR CLOSING]

[SWANKY MUSIC PLAYING]

Wes, you made messy.

Let me clean it up!

Mm, mm, mm.

Samantha?

Wes, you may not know this,

but you really turned me

on this afternoon

when you won the game

with that magnificent play.

Oh, you mean the squeeze play.

Squeeze play?

What a cute name.

You know, I know so

little about these things.

Teach me, Wes.

Please, teach me.

Mm, mm, mm.

Mm.

Sh-- sure.

Oh, baby.

Squeeze play.

What's the matter?

Talk to me with your

mouth not your hands.

Samantha, damn it, I'm

looking to feel like a yo-yo.

When you were on the field

in that sweatsuit T-shirt,

clinging to those

rippling muscles,

I could hardly wait to dig my

nails into that hairy chest.

Oh!

Oh.

Mm, yeah.

Now, how did that

squeeze play go?

--[SIGH] Well, you see, you've

gotta have a man on third.

Mm, my baby face.

Mm, mm, yeah.

Mm.

Yeah, and the

batter gets up there,

and he lays down a big bunch.

And the runner gets

squeezed home, and then he--

Scores!

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

Mm, mm.

Samantha, I've never

see you like this before.

Oh, no, Wes.

Softball is so sexy.

I mean with all those oily

gloves and long flies.

[ZIPPER OPENING]

-Oh, whoa, wait-- wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

What are you up to, Samantha.

Why, nothing, Wes.

I just like to play with you.

Don't you like to play with me?

Of course, baby.

I love you.

I heard that some

of your friends

don't like to play

with us girls.

Well, see, I can't

answer for them because--

I've heard they play softball

to get away from women.

Mm, I love women!

Let me prove it.

Mm-mm.

Think you can handle

something new, iron thighs.

Oh, anything.

Oh, anything, baby.

I've got an open mind.

Oh, shit!

I'm so glad you said that.

I mean about having

an open mind.

Because if there was

a woman good enough,

you'd play her on

the team, right?

On my team?

Right?

Mm, mm, (MUMBLING) if she was

good enough and [MUMBLING].

What was that, baby cakes?

I said, sure, if

she was good enough

and didn't mind

showering with the guys.

Come here.

Mm, mm.

Come on, Wes.

You're man enough.

Give a girl a try-out.

Come on, you can do it.

-Huh?

-Give her a try-out.

Do it.

Oh, do it?

Do it, Wes.

Mm, do it.

Do it.

OK, I'll do it!

Oh, I love you.

Mm.

Oh.

W-- w-- S-- Sam?

Oh, Sam.

Ah.

Samantha.

WES: Actually, it was

Samantha that blew it.

GUYS: Uh-huh.

WES: Oh, come on, guys.

Ease up, huh?

I already told you I was a

very, very vulnerable position.

GUYS: Pshh.

Hey, guys, you know.

What position was that.

Girlfriend's got

him pussy whipped.

Are you sure this

is what you want?

Yeah, just the way I like them.

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER):

Wes invites his teammates

to an impeccably

catered gourmet luncheon

in order to convince them

to give Mary Lou a try-out.

What are you guys so

uptight about, anyway?

Huh?

So we go ahead, and we

give this broad a try-out--

And she fails.

Right.

But what if she's good.

Maybe she can play.

[LULLABY MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNORING]

SAMANTHA: Why the

hell is Beasley

taking so long with her?

Oh, keep your armpits dry.

I mean, suppose Beasley

gives Mary Lou a job,

and suppose Mary

Lou gets a try-out,

and suppose she's

really terrific

and even makes the

team-- so what?

I'm not sure, but do you see

the way they act around women?

Yeah, they'd be better

off picking their noses

and smiling.

You know, I don't want

to ruin softball for them.

I just want them to

loosen up a little bit.

Do you think I'm being a bitch?

Honey, believe me.

I've tried everything.

Two mints in one,

cling-free fabric softener,

even a disposable douche.

When it comes to their

softball, nothing works.

[DOOR OPENING]

MARY LOU: Thank you,

very much, Mr. Beasley.

Here they come.

Hey, can you shut up?

I'm trying to work.

Eh, smoke in bed, huh?

Oh, Miss Howard?

Yes.

Would you have one of the

girls show Miss Wadley.

Around the factory?

She's going to join our

merry mattress family.

Good luck, Miss Wadley.

Uh, thank you very

much, Mr. Beasley.

Great going.

Phase one is completed.

Now, try-outs.

Samantha, I've been meaning

to talk to you about that.

I mean, you're not going to

let us down, are you, Mary Lou?

No.

Good.

Jamie.

Hi.

Hey, you remember

Mary Lou, right?

Yeah.

Uh, listen, uh, she's

going to be working with us.

Will you show her

around, please?

-Uh-huh.

-Great.

I've got lots to do, OK?

Bye-bye.

Pigs in the chicken coop!

You put me down!

Well, it was the only way I

could get you alone, Mary Lou.

You know my name?

Yeah.

I kinda asked around.

You did?

Yeah, and I wanted to

apologize for the other night.

I mean, the thing that

happened about the squeeze--

I mean the grab-- I mean

the pulling of your-- I

mean the thing that happened

in the Cuss From Hoe,

the thing with--

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER):

And so Buddy

sweeps Mary Lou off

her feet, taking

advantage of his glibness and

silky smooth talking style.

--embarrass you like

that, I swear to God.

And that's the reason--

that's the reason that I

wanted to tell you about this.

Because that's the reason

that-- that I'm here.

Because I wanted to tell you.

Will you please put me down?

No, not till you say hi to

me, and you promise to go

to the beach with me Saturday.

OK.

OK?

Woo-woo!

[SCREAM]

[WHISTLES]

[SCREAM]

Woo-wee!

Yee-ha!

Woo!

[SCREAMS]

Oh.

Hey, are you OK?

Oh.

Ah.

Are you sure you're OK?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, can I get you

an aspirin or something?

Uh, I'm sorry about the brakes.

Oh.

Oh, that's OK, Buddy.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, you know my name, too.

Oh, yeah.

I kinda asked around.

[MUSIC - THE EDSELS, "RAMA LAMA

DING DONG"]

I could follow you

from here to eternity.

What-- don't-- ever want that.

[SLAP] What kind of

girl do you think I am?

You keep your hands-- [GASP] oh!

Oh.

Ah.

[SCREAM]

I'm sorry.

OK.

BOZO: Hey, Wes!

[LAUGHING]

--[INAUDIBLE] You

don't understand.

You'll get hurt.

[INAUDIBLE] That's enough.

Mary Lou, you're

driving me crazy.

Come on.

Oh, Buddy.

It's my father.

He gets jealous.

Your father?

Yeah.

He don't like me seeing fellas.

Mary Lou, th-- that's--

that's a little weird.

I mean, come on.

I know.

But, Henry McGallister.

Who's Henry McCalliston?

McGallister.

Now don't you start

getting jealous.

Oh, honestly, Buddy.

He's not a thing around you.

Sure?

Yeah.

Hey, Buddy!

How're your balls, huh?

I bet they're like

this now. [LAUGHING]

[SPLASH]

Give 'em hell, Mary Lou!

Come on!

Mary Lou, you can't

go though with this.

I don't see why not.

Mary Lou, they're going to

eat you for lunch out there.

(SPEAKING IN A HIGH VOICE) Ah!

Time out.

I have a thorn in my sock.

I hear she got a good

move with a man on.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, you guys!

(SPEAKING IN A HIGH VOICE)

Now, wipe your feet before you

touch home plate, you know.

I just cleaned it up.

That's funny, Fred.

(SPEAKING IN A HIGH

VOICE) And remember, girls,

there's certain

times of the month

that we can't play ball at all.

GIRLS IN THE STANDS: -Boo!

Hey, why is that, you guys?

Boo!

Don't do this, OK?

Why not?

Because you'll get hurt.

Whoa!

[CHEERING]

[HICCUP]

Hey, if you guys think you're

through getting me in trouble,

you think maybe we can go

ahead with this try-out?

-Ooh.

-Oh.

Yes, sir.

Here you go, Putz.

GIRLS IN THE STANDS: Go!

Do it, Mary Lou!

Come on, girl.

Come on.

Yeah!

[INAUDIBLE]

[CHEERING]

[SWISH]

[SWIPE]

[SWISH]

[SWIPE]

[SWISH]

[SWIPE]

That girl's a pro.

I could work with her.

[CRACK]

Time out, come on.

Time out.

Come on.

Get in here, you guys.

Time out.

Let's go.

You gotta give her some advice.

Here's what you've gotta do,

look Russ is one of our best

hitters, right, you know?

And he's a pitcher.

He knows what to expect.

What you've gotta do is really

whip the ball, you know.

Just stick it.

Ow!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Get off me!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Hey, Fred.

Come on, man.

What are you doing?

[SHOUTING]

Oh!

[SHOUTING AND GRUNTING]

Turn at him.

Turn it.

Now you're goin'.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Ow!

Mary Lou, I'm so sorry.

I was a fool to think that

they would be fair to you.

Are you going to be all right?

Mary Lou?

You leave her alone!

Mary Lou!

Hey, well, I'm sorry.

Don't you talk to me!

Look, I tried to tell you--

You come back here, I'll

beat you into tomorrow!

Samantha, I tried to warn you.

That is what happens when you

put a woman on a man's team.

Oh, yeah?

And it's not because of the

way you were treating her?

Hey, listen, our

opponents would probably

treat her the same way.

Oh, your opponents would

pat her on the ass, huh?

Hey, with the

teams we play, yeah.

They'd probably do worse things.

You'd let them, to

your own teammates?

Hey, what did you

expect us to be, anyway?

Teammates or babysitters?

I expected you to be fair!

Look, will you face

it once and for all?

Softball is a man's game!

Yeah?

Then what are you

doing on the team?

Oh, that's very

cute, very-- what?

What are you doing?

Damn it.

What do you think

you're doing here?

Hey, look.

Why don't you just

come over tonight?

You know, we'll have one

of our sweet little talks,

a little bit of this,

a little bit of that.

Look, Samantha, I'm already

horse's shit from all the crap

that's been going on today.

Now will you please

just say yes?

OK, Wes.

I'll be over.

Yeah?

See, honey.

Aren't you glad we

had this little talk?

Oh, you don't know how glad.

Mm.

Now you promise you're not

going to tell anyone, right?

Oh, I promise.

Good.

OK.

So, guess what?

This is so much fun.

I can't-- what's the

manual say comes next?

You know, Wes,

I've been thinking.

You were right.

We can't have a woman

playing on a man's team.

Women shouldn't play

with men, you know.

We're not smart enough.

We could never keep

our mind on the game.

Because all we would

ever think about it you

big, strong,

athletic, macho men.

Now, Samantha,

don't be rash, honey.

Mary Lou is a nice girl.

She just needs a little

more practice is all.

No.

You're just saying that

to let us down easy.

Mary Lou had no place

being on that team.

No, no, honey.

Now I meant every word of it.

She's a nice girl.

She just needs to

practice some more.

Now you know me

better than that.

Now, Wes, the place for

a woman is in the home.

That's just where I'm

going-- up to my home.

Oh, not my glove, Samantha.

Geez, that's my John

Joyce autograph.

Oh, not my glove.

Sam.

S-- s-- Sam?

Samantha?

Samantha, honey?

Sweetheart, aren't you

forgetting something,

baby cakes?

That's right.

How silly of me.

You really had me worried.

I mean, I really thought

you were going to leave

me here like this, and I was--

VOICE ON RECORD:

Hello, boys and girls!

Sam, no!

VOICE ON RECORD: It's

your Uncle Jimmy.

Sam, my pants, Sam!

VOICE ON RECORD: Let's

dress ourselves, today.

Samantha, come back here.

See ya, on the

ball field, slugger.

VOICE ON RECORD: And follow me!

-Ha ha, OK.

Good joke, Sam.

Be careful not to

trip over your bags.

OK, just-- Sam?

Samantha, come back here!

Sam?

Oh, no.

VOICE ON RECORD (SINGING):

Now put on your undershirt.

Whoosh, whoosh!

Quiet building, and our

tenants are so dignified.

VOICE ON RECORD:

Once upon the foot.

Toot, toot, toot.

And the shirt--

Samantha!

Oh, I'm gonna get you for this.

VOICE ON RECORD: And the hat

goes on between these ears--

Oh, hi, there.

VOICE ON RECORD:

And the shirts go

right over that toe! [LAUGHING]

N-- nice-- nice day?

Ahem.

VOICE ON RECORD:

Your [INAUDIBLE].

[CLINK]

Please.

Don't touch me!

I'll tell you something.

I'm sick of you and all

your cute little friends.

And I think it's high time

you all learn the good lesson.

[APPLAUSE]

I still say we

don't have a chance.

It's a game, [INAUDIBLE].

Samantha's talking to

Miss Cheasley right now.

I don't know what she expects.

To whip their

asses, that's what.

Listen, let's face it.

They've been playing

ball all their lives.

We'll get stomped.

Yeah.

Stomped?

I'd be the one to know

about that, all right?

Wasn't it back in

the eastern league?

'54 it was.

Ah.

Deuces were wild.

It was 2-2, 2 on.

(WHISPERING) It was 2-2, on.

(SHOUTING) A high inside pitch.

I swung and--

You hit it over the fence.

That's right.

How did you know?

That's great, Pop.

Dream on.

It wasn't a dream.

It happened.

And it can happen to you.

Come on, Pop.

You can't expect us to go out--

It can't nothing!

We hadn't won a game

all season long.

Desire was what we had.

But more than that, you've

got to not be afraid to try!

We can't expect

nothing but to try.

I'll give anything a try.

Hey, remember, the

pressure is on them.

You know, just-- just playing

them would be a victory.

To hell with that!

A victory would be a victory.

We're not going out

there to look good.

We're going out there to win!

So what are we waiting for?

-Right!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

What's going on?

We're gonna play

softball with the Beavers.

And we're gonna

whup their asses.

I'll go.

[INAUDIBLE]

Wait a minute.

Ooh, oh.

Ah!

I fixed-- [CRASH] ow!

What's the matter?

[BABY CRYING]

Huh?

How many times have

I told you not to put

this damn stuff in the sink?

Well, if you

had've fixed it when

I asked you to, six weeks ago,

we wouldn't have that problem.

In the trash.

In the trash!

Would you, Tom?

No.

Not in the sink.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

Baby Riggs, oh.

Hold it right there, honey.

Uh-uh.

Go on, turn around.

Here, here, here.

Take the baby.

OK.

Now I left bottles

in the refrigerator.

No, baby, I gotta go.

And there are some

Pampers by the bed.

And, um, I'll be back

about 3:00 or so.

I've gotta play

softball with the girls.

OK?

[CAR HORN HONKING]

SAMANTHA: Come on, Maureen.

Sam, I'll be right there.

No, she won't, Sam.

Wait, wait, wait.

Maureen, hold on, hold on.

Now just what-- what about the

psychological effects of it,

aren't you?

Wait, you didn't

think of that, did ya?

Wait, wait.

Maureen, I'm telling ya.

Huh?

His mother going out

to play softball.

Uh-huh.

His father staying

here to nurse him.

-Uh-huh.

-No, no, no.

He's going to grow up to be a

fag, and you don't want that.

Oh, don't be silly, Tom.

He just loves orange juice.

Mommy's little baby.

-M-- M-- Maureen, come on now.

Be serious.

OK, now you just take

good care of my baby.

Maureen, now come on now.

MAUREEN: Sam, you ready to

run that double play, huh?

OK.

Woo!

Just like yesterday.

"Dolan homers in ninth.

Wins game."

Yeah.

[BOING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Mm, mm, mm.

[SPIT]

[CRACK]

[ZWOOP]

[CRACK]

[BOING]

[THUMP]

[CRACK]

[THUMP]

All right!

[CRACK]

[THUMP]

[CHEERING]

[MUSIC AND BAR SOUNDS]

Clearly, guys, listen.

You saw those girls

today, and they were good.

I think we should just

say the hell with it

and not play the game at all.

-Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right.

I could see the

headlines now. "Girls

turn Beavers into Chickens."

Yeah, but Tom, you

saw how good they were.

No, wait a minute.

Tom's right, man.

We're locked in to this circus.

What do you say?

Hey, you fairies are up

kinda late tonight, aren't ya?

Fairies--

Hey, what's it to

you, Bozo Breath.

Take it easy, Fred.

I just want to make

sure you boys are

on for your big game tomorrow.

I got money bet on you.

You mean you bet on them?

Yeah, the old guy that took

the girls gave me five runs.

[LAUGHTER]

I've decided the boys and

myself to give you something

for a long time and, you know,

since you're such a good guy,

we decided to really

pick a winner for you.

That's nice.

[LAUGHTER]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

And, uh, they won't

stand a chance, you know?

Because I'm serious about this.

I'm tired of this stuff.

You know, [INAUDIBLE] to sleep

Look who's got his eye

on you, and it's not Wes.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I

have your attention, please?

Now, I want quiet, please.

Quiet.

For the first time in the

history of this phantasmagoria,

the salute to the Roman Empire,

we going to have a T-shirt

contest-- not an

ordinary T-shirt contest,

but a wet T-shirt contest.

[CHEERING AND WHISTLES]

Wait a sec.

Wait a minute.

And anybody-- anybody can

enter-- any man, any woman,

any child, any boy or

any girl, a chimpanzee

or Jo Jo the Elephant Boy.

Anybody can enter this contest.

I want everybody to

put their best forward.

Pay attention, boys and girls.

Now let's get a couple

of volunteers up here.

Come on, you guys, let's do it.

Come on.

Come on, Jamie.

Come on.

What the hell.

I'm already drunk.

What do you say?

Let's give it a whirl.

WET T SHIRT HOST:

Come on up here.

Come on.

Come on, folks.

Where am I going?

WET T SHIRT HOST: Let's give

them a round of applause.

What's going on here?

WET T-SHIRT HOST:

All right, everybody.

Let's get them up on the stage.

You, come on.

Come on.

Come on up.

Come on.

Mm, mm, mm.

What pushes, what bumpers.

Come on, up here.

You the bl-- is it true

blondes have more fun?

Come on, Blondie.

Hey, come here Curly Locks.

You--

Oh, shit.

Oh, piss.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, wow!

Now, ladies, now let

me tell you something.

In order to have a

wet T-shirt contest,

we gotta have a volunteer

from the audience.

I gotta have

somebody come up here

and spray these

beautiful gorgeous girls.

I know some guy

who married a girl.

She's half-French, half-Chinese.

They got up one morning,

she was sucking his shirts.

Sir, you-- with the

German Shepherd.

Oh, that's your wife.

I'm very sorry, sir.

Ah, the guy over there choking

his chicken under the table--

no, we don't want that either.

Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean a sprayer,

sir, not a player.

No, no, no.

How about you, sir?

Would you like to come up?

Come on, let's go.

Let's get [INAUDIBLE].

How about this?

A willing volunteer. [INAUDIBLE]

I'm going to tell

you one thing, folks.

The judges are men.

And you know that sometimes

they're prejudiced.

OK, but there's nothing

to be afraid of.

All you gotta do is just

aim the nozzle and press it,

just like that.

Oh, you schmuck, you

aimed it the wrong way.

The other way.

[LAUGHTER]

That's much better.

That's fantastic.

You're going to

be great at this.

All right.

Go on down to the

other end of the line

and start doing your job.

Is the water ready?

Good.

Now it's time for you--

time for the audience

to become part of the show.

Let's give them a

tremendous hand.

And the winner of the

contest gets a free car

wash, courtesy of a--

You gotta get off the stage.

WET T SHIRT HOST: --very

inspiring [INAUDIBLE]

Aren't I supposed

to get wet first?

WET T-SHIRT HOST: --by the

name of Sal's Car Wash.

Mary Lou, there's

an overweight fat guy

out there looking for you.

WET T-SHIRT HOST: [INAUDIBLE]

Buddy?

WET T-SHIRT HOST: Your shorts.

Since 1975--

I really don't

unders-- I-- I don't-- I

really don't understand.

Mary Lou?

Oh, my gosh.

WET T SHIRT HOST: Let

me tell you, sweetheart.

As long as I got a face, baby.

You'll always have

a place to sit.

Take my keys.

Uh, this is my apartment.

Good luck.

WET T SHIRT HOST:

Hey, listen, folks.

I only got one ball.

And the one I got

left, you're breaking.

You think it's easy

walking around knowing

you're half nuts.

Did I tell you about the rabbi

who went into a monastery

and became a schmunk?

(SPEAKING WITH SLURRED

SPEECH) Hey, Mary Lou, I got

something real big to show you.

-Get away from me!

It's real big. [INAUDIBLE]

Get out of the way, you hippie.

Fuckin' asshole!

Next time keep your

goddamn hands to yourself.

Eat a burger,

pumping iron face.

Hey, get off of my car.

You, drunks, get off of my car.

Get off of-- hey, you!

Someone--

[MUSIC - NED ALBRIGHT, "MOVE

YOUR BODY"]

[SQUIRT] [SQUIRT]

Woo!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[SQUIRT]

Is this how the open

[INAUDIBLE] start?

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

GUYS IN THE CROWD: Yee-ha!

Where's that [INAUDIBLE], man?

Come on, man.

Move it.

Move that ass.

Jamie, you're wearing a bra.

Where's Fred?

Can you see him?

OK.

Now listen.

Just stick them out,

just for a second.

But watch his face.

Now I'm embarrassed.

Jamie, this is our only chance

to teach those guys a lesson.

Look, just do it, OK?

Stick 'em out, and watch.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Did he notice yet?

I think so.

You're damn right he did.

Now stick 'em out.

Come on.

[SQUIRT] [SQUIRT]

[SQUIRT]

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[APPLAUSE]

Oh, Fred.

[SIGH]

[KISSING AND MOANING]

WET T-SHIRT HOST: The

winner is the one,

the only, Jamie Harrison.

[CHEERING]

Now, where in tarnation

did I put those socks?

Hm.

Maybe under the TV.

Hm.

KOCH: Hold it right

there, sweetheart.

[SCREAM]

You keep away from me.

-Take it easy, [INAUDIBLE].

-Ah-haaa.

Nothing's going to go wrong.

[CLANG]

Ow!

Nice try, except for my

steel-plated jock strap, huh?

Now look, baby, tracking

you down wasn't easy.

First, I had to

find that falcon.

Falcon?

Then you hid all of

them strawberries on me.

Now you're trying to get on

a plane and go to Casablanca.

N-- no.

I'm--

Look, you ain't going

anywhere, baby, except back

with me to your father.

So, come on.

Are you going loco?

Look, lady, doing Bogie's the

only fun I have in this job.

So, come on.

Let's go see your father.

[GUNSHOT]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Let go of her, fat boy.

Watch out, Buddy!

He's got a steel-plated

jock strap.

Oh!

[INAUDIBLE] Buddy!

[SCREAMS] Oh!

Oh, no!

Buddy!

Oh, be careful.

Oh, don't hit him

that [INAUDIBLE].

Oh, my champion.

Oh, oh, Buddy, my hero.

[GASP]

[TWEETING BIRDS]

Where is he?

Oh, he definitely

had a little fall.

Well, good riddance

to a rotten egg.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You, bitch.

[INAUDIBLE] you.

Did you guys see

a-- a-- a-- fat

guy with a beard and a little

chick, sexy with a wet--

Bozo!

Oh, geez, Bozo,

I'm gonna kill ya.

Get out of that car, Bozo

so I can tear your ears off.

I seen you in there

looking at my girlfriend,

and-- oh, my god.

You talking to me, bub?

Oh, Jesus, some guy-- he

bet me five bucks, you know?

I was just kidding around,

you know what I mean?

SAMANTHA: Bozo.

BOZO: Come on, Samantha.

I thought you really

wanted to do it.

SAMANTHA: Wes!

You must be tired of fooling

around with that faggot by now.

Stop it, Bozo.

Wes!

Now what do you

want with that faggot

for, when you can have me?

-Wes is more of a m-- stop it.

-Let's do it.

Come on.

Wes is more of man

than you'll ever be.

Hey, where are you going?

What's the matter.

You aren't frigid, are you?

I'll put you in my car.

We'll warm you up.

Bozo, stop it!

Let me go!

Ah!

Bozo, you bearded

elephant, [INAUDIBLE]

original [INAUDIBLE] of

the ark, so you let go.

Where are you going, playing

Ring around the Rosie.

Come on, cut it out now.

You're not a CT, are you?

Boy, I sure do hate teases.

Who me?

Tease big, strong, handsome you?

Never.

Hey, what are you doing?

What-- are you crazy?

Hey, where are you going?

Hey, hey!

What's the matter with you?

I have a [INAUDIBLE].

She rolls where you

got up from the window.

Hey, I'm trapped in here.

VOICE ON THE RADIO:

Do you suffer

painful embarrassing jock itch?

BOZO: Hey, where are

you going? [INAUDIBLE]

VOICE ON THE RADIO: Have you

taken care of your body odor?

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Have you seen to your halitosis?

BOZO: Hey, what's going on?

Hey!

[SUSTAINED CARN HORN]

VOICE ON THE RADIO: --as

sweet as a baby's tushy.

And foot odor is a thing

of the past. [INAUDIBLE]

Hey, I'm locked in here.

What the hell?

Hey!

Max, Max, wait!

BOZO: My battery's running down.

What's this?

No nookie?

What's the matter with you.

Come back here.

Hey!

Hey, don't leave me in here.

Hey!

Let me out of here.

What the hell's going on?

Mary Lou, I still love you.

I love you, too.

More than your father?

Buddy.

Mary Lou, whatever it

is that you're afraid of

or you're scared of, why don't

we just work it out together?

All right?

Please?

OK.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, Buddy!

Mr. Wadley, tracking

your daughter down

has not been easy.

No, sir.

As a matter of fact, I

fell off a balcony this

evening, Mr. Wadley.

And I-- N-- now, just

relax, Mr. Wadley.

I have some good news for you.

Yes.

The good news is that your

daughter ain't no dyke.

That's right.

But the bad news

is that she aint'

no virgin, neither, Mr. Wadley.

No, she's no-- now,

Mr. Wadley, please.

I have incurred a

great deal of expense

on this particular

case, and-- and-- yes.

Yes, I have receipts

for everything,

and I expect you to reimbur--

[DIAL TONE] Mr. Wadley?

Mr. Wadl-- oh.

Oh, yeah.

This is for you, Sam,

[URINATING] from old Wes.

Well, can I get you a drink?

Sure.

What do you got?

You got any beer? (WHISPERING)

Have I got any-- [CAN OPENING]

Oh!

Oh.

What are you doing

up there, Sam, huh?

Oh, you're--

MARY LOU: (MOANING) Oh.

--doing your sit ups

before the big game.

Yeah.

[SIGH]

Keep going, baby,

while Wessy makes

himself a little snack here.

What do we got?

MARY LOU: (MOANING) Uh, mm.

Oh, you're working up a

real sweat, are you now, Sam?

Huh?

MARY LOU: Oh.

Jesus.

MARY LOU: Oh!

Oh.

Yeah, up, down, and one, three.

MARY LOU: Oh!

Oh.

Oh, boy, you're

really working up

a sweat, aren't you, Samantha?

MARY LOU: Oh, oh.

Oh, yeah.

You're really getting into

it now, aren't you, baby?

MARY LOU: Oh.

Come on, louder, louder.

MARY LOU: Oh, oh, ah.

BUDDY: Uhh.

[SQUEAK]

Wait a minute.

MARY LOU: Ah!

There was only one--

BUDDY: Uhh.

Now there's--

BUDDY: Uhh. [SQUEAKING] Uhh.

Bozo.

You're up there with

Bozo, aren't you?

Huh?

BUDDY: Uhh.

You're up there the Goodyear

Blimp, aren't you, huh?

[FASTER SQUEAKING]

MARY LOU: Oh.

BUDDY: Uhh.

MARY LOU: Oh, oh.

BUDDY: Uhh, Uhh.

MARY LOU: Uh, uh, uh.

BUDDY: Uhh.

Bozo--

MARY LOU: Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

I'm going to kill you, Bozo.

MARY LOU: Oh, oh, oh, oh.

BUDDY: Ahh.

MARY LOU: Oh.

I'm gon-- I'm gonna bowl

you over, Bozo, you fat slob!

MARY LOU: Oh, ah.

BUDDY: Oh.

MARY LOU: Oh, ah.

Ready to kick your

ass tomorrow, Bozo.

MARY LOU: Oh, oh, ahh.

BUDDY: Ahh.

BUDDY: Ah.

Ah.

Buddy, I'm so happy.

But shouldn't we get

a blood test, first?

It's too late now.

Let's just get hitched.

[KISS]

A place of my own

with silverware-- oh,

what about the china patterns?

[KNOCKING]

[BELCH]

[KNOCKING]

All right, all

right, all right.

What's the matter with you?

S-- Samantha.

You know, I was just

thinking about you.

-Bozo's not important now.

-Did you see who's here?

Yeah, yeah, the girl I almost--

-Just tell me more.

--had Chantilly

silverware with.

Hey, let me ask you

a question, huh?

What was that you were doing

with Bozo up there, huh?

The league pennant?

Right?

A little wham-bam

thank you, Sam?

And now you're coming to me

to do the World Series, right?

Where you been, lady?

I'm a-- I'm a hero, now.

I'm big time.

They love me.

Yeah?

I mean, listen, I ain't

nobody's relief man--

especially for no, uh, fat,

ugly catcher like, uh, Bozo

up there.

Aw, geez.

Oh, hey, one more thing.

[RASPBERRY]

I gotta water my plants.

Jamie, oh.

Oh.

You don't have to

say anything, Freddie.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[HONK]

Oh!

No, n-- no, you know,

Jamie, you know,

I really want to tell you that--

that just-- just because you

won the T-shirt

contest and-- you know,

I wanted to tell

you that I really

think that-- that they-- I-- I

mean, you are really beautiful.

I really mean that, Jamie.

You're really beautiful.

I just want to tell

you that, well, I--

I just don't love you for--

well-- well, you know, I--

I-- I just don't love you for--

I know, Fred.

I know.

Oh, Jamie.

Jamie.

But, Fred--

Yes.

Wouldn't you like to

touch them, anyway?

Oh, Jamie.

I love you!

[RASPBERRY]

Mm, mm.

Mm.

We went across the state

line and got hitched.

And there's nothing you

can do about it, Daddy.

FRED: Oh.

-It's been--

FRED: Oh.

Ooh.

--constipated.

Isn't that right, Buddy?

FRED: Oh, oh.

Buddy, what are

you doing in there.

FRED: Oh, oh.

[TOILET FLUSH]

FRED: Oh.

I'm swimming in it!

A real woman!

NARRATOR (VOICEOVER):

It's exactly

two months and four days

since the beginning of spring.

And when you think

of spring, you

think of exactly two things--

softball and mattresses.

And Spring Down, New Jersey, is

certainly the capitol of both.

And, therefore, it's the

logical place for the unfolding

of next episode in the

battle of the sexes--

the Beavers versus

the Beaverettes,

a contest of will

versus wile that

promises to be unforgettable.

[TRUMPET FANFARE]

Ladies and gentlemen,

your Chairman of the Board,

Mr. Cyrus Van Hooten.

[SPARSE APPLAUSE]

[CLEARING THROAT]

Unaccustomed as I am

to public speaking,

there's nothing I like to see

more than young people having--

[RASPBERRY]

--a good time.

But there's more in

life than baseball.

And there's more in life

than having a good time.

I want to say to you

that a mattress--

You say, "Go!"

GAME ANNOUNCER: And the ball

game between the Beavers

and the Beaverettes

is finally under way,

a regulation seven-inning

softball game.

[CHEERING]

Stepping up to the plate,

is the lead-off man

for the women, Rose Mailwoman.

I mean, the lead-off woman for

the women is Rose Mailwoman.

I mean, the lead-off person for

the women is Rose Mailperson.

Never mind.

There's a broad at bat,

and she just struck out.

Come on, you big, fat jerk.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Gee, if this

is a sample of what's to come,

the Beavers are going to hop

all over the Beaverettes.

Boo!

Hey, Wes!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Second

batter up, here's the pitch.

[CRACK]

And it's a hit!

It's a hit!

Well, stuff my mattress, folks.

I spoke too soon.

Clarence Merch has

just hit a huge double,

and the Beaverettes have

their juices flowing.

Ow.

GAME ANNOUNCER: It's one out.

There's a man-- or, a--

a person, on second.

The next batter is up.

[CRACK]

A pop-up to deep short.

Cunningham grabs it.

It hustles to

second-- double play.

He's got her.

The side is retired.

In this reporter's opinion,

the Beaverettes' base

running looked a little

ragged around the edges.

Boo!

Ha, ha, ha!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Now

the Beavers have

a chance to make the fur fly.

On the mound for the

Beaverettes is Mary Lou Wadley.

[SWISH] And she barrels

in for a strike.

Oh, that pitch was

too hot to handle.

Even for catcher,

Mitch the Mantle.

This little lady hails

from Fortville, Georgia,

it says here.

She played softball by day and

danced in the Fortville Dinner

Theater chorus line by night.

One day, she got

her jobs confused,

and her famous pitching

motion was born.

Boo!

[SWISH]

Strike three.

GAME ANNOUNCER: And the first

batter goes down on Wadley's

famous peanut pitch.

Next up is Buddy Coleman.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Bud's a local boy.

Works a local forklift

and goes home to the YMCA.

Been there for six

years, it says here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Play ball!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Something

very strange is going on here.

Wait a minute.

Wadley's pitched him

a meatball pitch.

Coleman hits a meatball hit.

The pitcher's up with it.

It's an easy out.

Hey, what's going on?

She didn't throw it.

It's a meatball throw.

Where's the spaghetti?

I mean, he's stopped--

I mean, safe at first.

Throw the ball!

GAME ANNOUNCER: I don't

know about you, folks.

But this announcer would

like an explanation

for this unprofessional

brand of softball

we're witnessing here today.

First baseman Goldstein

lays down a perfect bunt.

He's on his way to first.

He trips.

He's out!

He can chalk that

one up to Lady Luck.

But the bunt did it's

damage, folks, and the runner

advances to second.

Ha, ha, ha!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Two outs, and

that brings up Wes Cunningham,

the captain of the Beavers.

Another fast one, folks.

It was Wes who scored

the winning run

against the Animals,

back in reel one

for the league championship.

[SWISH] There's a

long well-hit ball

that's going to be trouble.

She's got it, bouncing springs.

I haven't seen a spread

like that since the Spring

Down's sports banquet.

Maureen Goldstein has just

made the play of the game.

After one inning of

play, no hits, no runs,

throwing error, the pitcher,

and goose eggs across the board.

Hey, Wes, what a hitter, huh?

You headed for

all-league, huh, kid?

All-fairy league, fairy feet!

Gotta win!

Let's go!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Yessiree, Bob.

The venerable Pop Dolan

has really whipped

these ladies into shape.

-We gotta win!

We gotta win!

Let's go!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Pop

Dolan is the man who made

the Beaverettes give a damn.

But let's get serious.

Yay!

GAME ANNOUNCER:

Striding up to the plate

is the Beaverettes'

team captain,

Spunky Samantha Howell.

Ah, those young people

today-- they are beautiful,

aren't they, folks?

Well, it's good to see they--

Russ!

GAME ANNOUNCER: --don't

do all their scoring

on the ball field.

Yoo-hoo, Russ!

Russ?

Hi, Russ.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Now

there looks like there's

something wrong with, uh,

pitcher Russ McSweeny.

The Beaver's pitcher seems

to have something in his eye.

I can't quite make out

what it is from here,

but I'll keep you abreast of

the situation as it develops.

It's a lob pitch.

[CRACK] And Samantha

Howell really smacks that ball.

It's a solid smash to

the outfield, folks.

Great job!

Yeah.

Second base, second

base, come on!

Second base, come on.

Second base, second

base. [INAUDIBLE]

Safe.

Wow!

A double, folks.

Samantha Howell has just stroked

a two base tit-- or, a hit.

Look, Wes, about last night.

Let's go, Russ.

Come on.

We can get it back.

Let's go.

Come on, guys, look alive.

OK, Maureen, let's go!

Come on!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Goldstein is up.

SAMANTHA: Kill it!

Come on, Maureen, let's go!

GAME ANNOUNCER:

McSweeny's settling down.

He's got to concentrate,

folks, or he's going to be

in for some sleepless nights.

Into the stretch.

Uh-oh.

Looks like Howell's

breaking to third.

She's trying to steal third.

Should be an easy out.

Safe!

GAME ANNOUNCER: She's in.

She's safe.

McSweeny could have wrapped

that one up with a bow.

What a gift.

Hey, Russ.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Well, I've

seen McSweeny pitch before,

and he can work himself right

out of this kind of a problem.

Play ball!

BIKINI GIRL: Hi, Russ.

Russ, you're not

paying attention.

Russ, hi.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Into

the stretch, the pitch--

it's a wild pitch.

It's no where the catcher.

It's in the stands.

The ball is in the stands.

Samantha Howell touches

home plate with a soft shoe.

Safe!

GAME ANNOUNCER: And

the Beaverettes have

pulled ahead one to nothing.

I heard on the sideline before

the big game tipped me off

that the Beaverettes

were going to rely

very heavily on strategy,

ladies and gentlemen.

And that seems exactly

what's going on.

And it looked like

we have a ball game.

The Beavers have got their first

threat going as they try to get

on top of the Beaverettes.

The bases are loaded, and from

this announcer's point of view,

it looks like pitcher

Wadley is starting

to get a little tuckered out.

BIKINI GIRLS: Uh-uh-uh.

No, no, never, never.

Uh-uh-uh.

No, no, never, never.

Uh-uh-uh.

GAME ANNOUNCER:

Well, Buddy's up.

The bags are loaded,

and it's a full count.

Wadley cannot afford to

toss another meatball

pitch at this crucial moment.

Uh-uh-uh.

No, no, never, never.

Uh-uh-uh.

No, no, never, never.

Uh-uh-uh.

[SWISH]

GAME ANNOUNCER: A pay-off pitch.

Hit hard, could be trouble.

Shortstop's up with it,

tags the runner for one,

throws to second for two.

She throws it to

first-- triple play!

Triple play!

Remember that,

ladies and gentlemen,

because you don't see a

play like this too often

in this American

game of softball

that we've got going

here this afternoon.

Ladies and gents, the

score is one to nothing.

Wes Cunningham at the

plate, a man on base.

Hard hit.

That ball is outta here.

It's a-- it's a home run.

What a blast, folks!

There it is, folks.

Wes Cunningham has

just hit-- he's just

belted one of the

longest home runs

I've ever seen by a

right-handed mattress

employee in the free world.

[CROWD CHEERING AND BOOING]

With the score two to one

against the Beaverettes,

it's up to Maureen

Goldstein to get it back.

SAMANTHA: Do it!

[CRACK]

GAME ANNOUNCER: It's a little

dribbler to the first baseman.

An easy out.

Uh, no.

He's not even throwing it.

He's letting her take a base.

Folks, this is not

the brand of softball

we've come to expect from

Spring Down mattress workers.

Nosiree, Bob.

And now, Midge

Bonanza smashes it.

Big hit!

Goldstein heads for second,

makes the turn to third,

around third, and

she score easily.

Midge Bonanza has

just hit herself

a big fat double to

tie this ballgame up.

Looks like we've got a ballgame.

Looks like a real loosie,

ladies and gentleman.

Tom, no more free

rides for Maureen.

Got it?

-What's that supposed to mean?

Hey, I've seen Jamie's

little sister Brenda

do a better job on first base.

I know.

Will you just lay off?

We're going to lose the game

because I let the mother

of my child get on base once?

Hey, a game's a game.

Why don't you light a fire

under Romeo's ass there, huh?

CHEERING FANS: No,

no, never, never.

Uh-uh-uh.

GAME ANNOUNCER:

The laws of society

may be changed this

afternoon, folks.

Because the Beaverettes

are proving that women

can keep it up better than men.

BIKINI GIRLS: No,

no, never never.

Uh-uh-uh.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Now folks,

it's the bottom of the fourth,

and sweat is pouring

off Wadley's brow.

BIKINI GIRLS: Uh-uh-uh.

BIKINI GIRL: Russ, hey.

Russ.

Hey, Russ!

Hey, Russ.

Hey, lookit.

GAME ANNOUNCER: There's

more distraction

in the field, folks.

Just for today, I'll take

you to home plate tonight.

CHEERING FANS: Come on, Russ.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Like

the Good Book says--

BIKINI GIRL: Russ, Russ, hey!

GAME ANNOUNCER:

--for every problem,

there's a simple solution.

It looks like the Beavers

have solved the problem

of the McSweeny's roving eye.

BIKINI GIRL: Hi, Russ!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Maybe now we'll

see the power that McSweeny is

known for, here in Spring Down.

But it looks like,

for every solution,

there's another problem.

[JANGLING BELLS]

She's winding up.

I-- I mean the pitcher.

[SWISH] [BONK]

Up, oh, my goodness.

Looks like McSweeny didn't keep

his eye on the bouncing ball.

Well, if I had to take my base

by getting hit on the head,

I guess that's the

way I'd want it.

The next batter's up.

There's the wind up.

Here's the pitch.

[CRACK] It's a long fly.

The left-fielder's under it.

Runner tags up.

Going for home, going for

home, it's a long throw.

It's going to be close.

Out!

GAME ANNOUNCER:

He's outta there.

[CROWD CHEERING]

BIKINI GIRLS: S-U-C-C-E-S-S

that's the way

we spell success.

The Beaverettes are

the best, la-di-da.

Beaverettes are

the best, la-di-da.

Beaverettes are

the best, la-di-da.

La-di-da.

GAME ANNOUNCER: The

crowd is settling down.

It's the top of the fifth.

It looks like the Beavers are

finally showing their strategy.

All right, get it in there!

Come on, now.

Come on, baby.

[CRACK]

[ZAP]

GAME ANNOUNCER: Ooh,

that must have stung.

Well, the Ump's going to

have to call for a clean ball

after that play.

She really cracked that one.

Wadley's getting ready

to hurl once again.

[CRACK] A little Texas leaguer

to center field, easy out.

Uh-oh.

She must have lost it in

the sun-- unbelievable.

Bull shit!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Note that

pitching style, folks.

[SWISH] [CRACK]

Run!

Out!

[SCREAM]

Safe.

Hey, you!

GAME ANNOUNCER: These mattress

workers work side by side

during the day, but on

the field they give their

all in a friendly competition.

This represents the

highest standards

of American sportsmanship.

Let me take this moment to

remind you that the Mattress

Workers Gospel Hour,

normally heard at this time,

will be back next

week and will feature

Pillowcase Jones and her

Satin Sheets Gospel Singers.

[WHISTLE]

You, you man, you!

What do you call this crap?

That was a dirty trick.

Hey, well, that's the

way the game is played.

-Yeah.

[INAUDIBLE] you need to win.

-Yeah.

That's right.

Let me tell you

something, sweetheart.

It's like life.

It gets a little bit rough.

Come on, guys, we have some

Beaverettes dams to build.

Come on, guys.

We've got a game to win.

Let's go.

Hey, Wes!

Don't you know it ain't

polite to punch broads?

Ha, ha, ha!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Looks

like the brouhaha

has spilled over into the crowd,

with the men taking their side

and the women sitting

on their side.

Due to Fred Smudge's

heads-up base running,

the Beavers have managed

to score two runs

and are now ahead four to two.

All right, guys.

Come on, what do you say?

Let's get tough.

No more favors, right, Maureen?

What favors?

Like dropping Tom's balls.

You hold on to 'em pretty

well when you're at home.

Keep your dirty mouth

off my husband's balls.

Hey, It was an error.

An error?

Yeah!

Don't you think it's about time

you got your signals straight?

Hey, my signals are

straight, fart face.

Hey, hey, hey.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

I don't hear you saying

anything about Miss Mary Lou.

She hasn't made a straight

pitch to Buddy all day!

Yeah, well what about Jamie?

Let's look at the whole picture.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

How could you call

that in second base?

You ain't tall enough

to even see second base.

Please, she came

in there, she--

GAME ANNOUNCER: This

battle of the sexes

has gone from a mild

bush fire on the field

to a nuclear blast.

Cool it!

GAME ANNOUNCER: But I guess

I shouldn't be surprised

at anything that happens

in this humdinger

of a softball game, folks.

Cut it!

That's enough of that.

What's going on here?

Sakes, you gotta a

game out there to play.

You've held these

guys for six innings.

You can hold 'em for one more.

I don't want you girls

to just whip 'em.

I want you to whoop 'em!

Now, come on, Maxie, baby.

Let's start it off.

Let's go!

[CHEERING]

GAME ANNOUNCER: Coming into

the seventh and last inning,

the Beavers are still

ahead of the Beaverettes.

Max Nora swings at the

first pitch, [CRACK]

and connects for a single.

Bonanza's at the plate.

She bunts.

Looks like an easy out at first.

Oh, there goes

the first basemen.

Go, get it!

GAME ANNOUNCER: She's

heading for second.

Runner scores.

It's four to three.

-You got her!

You got her!

-Ugh.

GAME ANNOUNCER: There

goes the second baseman,

heading to third.

-Come on!

You got her, you got-- Ugh.

GAME ANNOUNCER: There

goes the shortstop.

There goes the third baseman.

And Bonanza heads for home.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

The Beaverettes tie the game!

[CHEERING]

That's the way!

All right!

Yeah!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Well,

folks, the fans are upset.

It's the bottom of the seventh.

And the men have got

to get going if we're

going to avoid extra innings.

So let's get out

there, and give it 100%.

I want to win this game.

Hey, what do you say, Buddy.

You throwing the game

on account of Mary Lou?

No.

Romeo had a rough

night, last night.

Sure.

That's a bunch of bullshit.

OK?

Because you left the Cuss

an hour before I did.

Yeah, I left.

But it doesn't mean I went home.

Don't give me this

kiss-and-tell routine.

OK?

No, I'm-- I'm serious.

I left, and then

ended up at Samantha's

apartment with Mary Lou.

Oh, man.

Are you telling me that

that was you and Mary Lou

at Samantha's

apartment last night?

You mean, you heard us?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I had to have my

ceiling re-plastered.

What are you talking about?

Listen, that's, uh--

that's not the half of it.

Last night, we left at about

2 o'clock in the morning--

Batter up!

Listen, let's go, dude.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Hey, buddy!

Get the bat.

You got it!

[CHEERING]

GAME ANNOUNCER: All right.

This is the set-up-- tie score.

The seventh and final

inning, unless we

go into extra innings, folks.

And I hope we don't,

because Kapowski's Appliance

workers have the field at 4:30.

But at any rate, we're at the

bottom of the last inning.

Buddy Coleman, looking mighty

tired, went down on strikes.

One out, and Neil

Fullson is the batter.

[SWISH]

You're out!

GAME ANNOUNCER: With

Fullson whipped,

Wadley's keeping the pressure

going right up till the end.

Two outs, and it's up to Wes

Cunningham to keep it alive.

[SWISH] [CRACK]

[CHEERING]

Hit hard.

The crowd is going crazy.

You're safe.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Cunningham

has himself a double, folks,

and the winning run is

in scoring position.

[INAUDIBLE]

Hi, Sam.

What are you smiling about?

I just found out you

weren't home last night.

What?

GAME ANNOUNCER: Two outs.

Wes is on second.

SAMANTHA: What?

GAME ANNOUNCER: It's a

hit past the infield.

Cunningham isn't running.

He must be daydreaming.

It looks like Wes Cunningham

is not in the game.

All great sportsmen undergo

mental fatigue once in a while.

But not with two outs and the

last inning of a tie game.

Well, two men on,

and the Beavers

have a real threat going.

So it's up to Fred Smudge to

keep the Beaver's hopes alive.

With one crack of

Fred Smudge's bat,

Smudge could be on every

lip in Spring Down tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen,

there's a certain hush

coming over field now.

The tension is mounting.

And we appear to have the

set up of the perfect squeeze

play-- the play that every

little leaguer in the land

knows about.

Let me explain it to you.

Let me make it simple for you.

We have a man on first

base, one on third.

We have a second baseman here.

Pitcher's here--

now, wait a minute.

Let's-- just a moment.

Let's start-- we have a man here

on first base, one on third.

We have a second baseman

here, a shortstop is here.

And then, of course, we do

have a catcher down here.

And now, and--

Ah, wait a minute.

Here's the wind up.

Here comes the pitch.

[SWISH] You can

cut the tension with a knife.

-Strike one!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Ball, strike.

Looked more like a ball to me.

[CROWD YELLING]

The steam is rising

from the base mats.

The sun beats down.

The fans hold their breath

in fateful expectation.

Will Smudge be a

champ or a chump?

The only thing certain is

that Kapowski's Appliance

workers have the field at 4:30.

Ah, wait a minute.

Here comes the pitch. [CRACK]

It's a back-of-the-bat

dribbler.

Squeeze play!

But it's an easy out.

Shortstop picks it up.

She throws.

Oh, no.

But [INAUDIBLE] is there with

a beautiful [INAUDIBLE] catch.

Wes is leaning

toward home plate.

Samantha's covering the plate.

Bonanza fires the ball home.

Hey, Wes.

Uh, listen, I

gotta talk to you.

Dinner tonight, please?

Sure.

Cuss from Hoe?

Anywhere you like--

OK-- w-- wait a minute.

You mean-- you mean

you're not angry at me?

Come on.

-Me angry at you?

I-- thought you were mad at me.

Oh, listen, baby.

After last ni-- oh, never mind.

It's not important.

I just want you to know

I really love you, babe.

I really do.

And I'm going to give you

the biggest hug and a kiss,

right after I score, OK?

W-- one more thing, by the way.

What's that?

Lights out.

CHEERING FANS: You did it!

The Beavers win the game!

[CROWD CHEERING]

SAMANTHA: Liar!

Please, I'll never

play baseball.

[INAUDIBLE]

Oh, no, no.

I'll never play softball

again as long as I live.

Please, Samantha.

Oh, god.

Keep you from playing softball.

-What?

-I said--

What did you say?

I said I would never keep

you from playing softball.

Oh, Samantha.

What?

I love you.

I know.

Mm.

Come here, babe.

Mm.

GAME ANNOUNCER: Yes,

folks, the Beavers win it.

This is the perfect climax

for an unbelievable afternoon.

Spring Down will never

be the same again.

A classic battle

between men and women

has been fought

before your very eyes.

And a lesson has been

learned by each side that

shall not be soon forgotten.

Whoa!

Wait a minute.

GAME ANNOUNCER: We're running

a little late on time.

So this is William Kirksey,

your voice of the Merry Mattress

Factory wishing you

a pleasant evening

and a pleasant tomorrow.

But before we sign off,

if there's anyone out

there who still does not

understand how a squeeze

play works, just send a

self-addressed stamped envelope

and 18 empty Pepsi

cans to the station.

Now stay tuned for the Spring

Down hog and cattle report.

[BEEPING]

This here's your afternoon

pig and cow report.

We've got pork bellies

$0.49 [INAUDIBLE] knuckles

[INAUDIBLE] cents a

pound. [INAUDIBLE]

priced real high on the hog.

Corn cob's [INAUDIBLE]

price down.

I got [INAUDIBLE] here--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Squeeze Play (1979) - full transcript