Squareheads of the Round Table (1948) - full transcript

[♪]

[♪]

Hey, give me a hand,
fellas, will you?

Come over here
and hold still.

[METAL CREAKS]

This is really caught.

Loosen it up.

[METAL CREAKS]

Mm-hm.
I can't get it off.

How'd you get in that thing?

I was always poppin' rivets,
so I had my tailor spot-weld me.



Spot-weld you.
Fine thing.

Ooh.
Oh.

Why, you...

Hold that.

Ow! Oh.

Now I'll have to bust you out of
that hardware. Bend over there.

Now, hold still.

Oh!

Oh! Oh. Oh.

Always clownin' around.

Well, out of my way,
will you?

Bend over there.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Stand where you are.
Oh, oh, I can't.



Are you kiddin'?

Which one of you
is Cedric the Blacksmith?

Not me.
We're three troubadours

on their way
to the court of King Arthur.

Troubadours?
Yeah, singin', dancin',

like this:
A-one, a-two, a-three.

STOOGES:
♪ So we stuck our little
Tootsies in the water ♪

♪ And we ducked under
The waves, we did, ha, ha ♪

Oh. Oh.

If you're troubadours,
why the armor?

SHEMP:
Well, listen, sarge.

Did you ever see a troubadour
get hit in the kisser

with a nice, ripe tomato?

Look, you see a tomato coming,
wham, you close the door.

When the critics
are all through,

then you open it up again.

The way we sing,
sometimes they throw rocks.

I can believe that.

If you see Cedric the Smith,
report the news

to the Black Prince,
and you'll be well-rewarded.

He has sworn
to have Cedric's head.

What does he want
Cedric's head for?

Ain't he got
one of his own?

You dope.
Two heads are better than one.

[LAUGHS]
Two head are-- Ha, ha.

Ah, you idiots.

They're gonna give him
a haircut down to here.

[GASPS]
I'd hate to be in his shoes.

I'd hate to be
in his collar.

MOE:
I'd hate to be him.

Yeah, but what does he want
Cedric's head for?

I'll tell you why:

Because I dare love
the fair Elaine.

Are you Cedric?

Yes, and it's my head
that the Black Prince wants.

No kidding. Are you really
that way about Elaine, huh?

Oh, I'm mad about her.

But the king has promised her
to the Black Prince.

Take it easy, Cedric,
old boy. Brace up.

We'll help you.
Won't we, boys?

We can get
into the palace, see?

We're troubadours, see?

So you stick with us--

BOTH:
See?

See?
One for all.

And every man
for himself.

[BONES CRUNCHING]
[STOOGES GROANING]

Ooh.
Oh.

And I gotta write a letter,
fella. Look at my--

Look at my hand.

Never be able to write
underwater.

SHEMP:
That's it.

That's her window up there.

We'll get her out.

STOOGES:
♪ Oh, Elaine
Elaine, come out, babe ♪

♪ Take a look who's standing
Here, my dear ♪

♪ The big boy is here
We see the coast is clear ♪

♪ He wants to see you ♪

♪ So come out
On your front porch ♪

[ACCORDION PLAYS]

Balcony, you nut.
Haven't you got no romance?

I could have said veranda,
but I said porch.

Nein. Nix.

[CLOCK WINDS]

STOOGES:
♪ Ya-da-dee ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha ♪

STOOGES:
♪ Ya-da-dee ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Da-da-da ♪

STOOGES:
♪ Ya-da-dee ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

Ho-ho, music lover.

STOOGES:
♪ Oh, Elaine, come out
Oh, please come out ♪

♪ Time is short
The guards are hanging about ♪

♪ Your Cedric's here ♪

♪ No kiddin', Cedric's here ♪

♪ I see ♪

♪ I see my darling Cedric
Standing there ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ I know that I will soon
Be in his arms again ♪

STOOGES:
♪ She knows ♪

♪ She knows that she will soon
Be in his arms again ♪

♪ Flee, but flee ♪

♪ The Black Prince
Is lurking near ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ Will raise the shade ♪

♪ My lovely shade ♪

♪ When the coast is clear ♪

STOOGES:
♪ She will raise the shade ♪

♪ When the coast is clear ♪

♪ She will raise the shade ♪

♪ When the coast is clear ♪

♪ She will raise the... ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

STOOGES: Oh-oh.
CEDRIC: The Black Prince.

STOOGES:
Whoa.

Call out the guards!
To arms!

I heard your shout.
What is it?

Your Majesty.
Cedric the Blacksmith was below.

So he dares to come here,
to the very palace.

Take the princess to my room.

Father.
Go.

[SIGHS]

She'll be more easily
guarded there.

But, Your Majesty,
where will you sleep?

Here, of course.

Yes, sire.

This is a fine
how-do-you-do.

How do you do?
Quiet.

The signal.
The coast is clear.

We can't get
in the palace.

They must have guards
all over the place.

Then let's go home.

Quiet.

I've got an idea.

One of us
can climb that trellis.

Yeah, one of us.

Yeah, that's a swell idea.
One of--

Wait a minute, fellas.
Not me.

Come on.
No, I get dizzy.

I get dizzy, kid.
Go on. Get up there.

Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

How do I know the dame
won't scream her head off

when she sees me?
I wouldn't blame her.

We'll write her a note.

Good idea. Throw some gravel up
to wake her.

[GRAVEL RATTLING]

[GRAVEL PATTERS]
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Something threw some
back at me.

What are you gonna do?
Hang on.

[GRAVEL PATTERING]

Out of the way.

Ooh.

[GASPS]

[SCOFFS]

Go on. Now, get up there.
Go ahead.

Do as your told-- Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Now, why didn't you want--?
Oh! Down.

[BONE CRUNCHES]
Look.

Raise your foot
up to the next step. Whoa.

Look out for that.

Hey, hey. Hey.
What?

Give him a shove.
What are you lettin' him--?

Psst. Hey, kiddo,
are you awake?

Good. Listen, babe.

Me and my pals are on your side,

so don't you worry your
pretty little head about Cedric.

The king ain't gonna
push us around. No, sir.

Say, how come
a nice kid like you

has such an old sourpuss
for a pappy?

He sure is a mean old galoot.
Ha, ha.

He's got a puss
like a snapping turtle.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, like a snappin' turtle
with a bellyache.

[LAUGHING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oh-oh.

GUARD:
The guard await your orders,
sire.

Good. Send them in.

Help! Help!

[SCREAMS]

Oh! Help!

[SCREAMS]

Help!

[SCREAMING]

Ah! Wait! Oh!

Get him up.

His Majesty.

LARRY:
Your Majesty.

KING:
Oh.

Guards! Turn! Seize them!

SHEMP:
Whoa.

Whoa.
MOE: Now, wait-- Wait a minute.

KING:
To the dungeon with them.

To the deep dungeon.
STOOGES: No, no.

KING:
Go on. Get 'em out of here.

I'll have your heads for this.

It's sharp medicine, but it's
a sure cure for all diseases.

Maybe so,
but I'll take penicillin.

See you tomorrow,
bright and early.

LARRY:
Cedric, old boy,
don't let it get you down.

No, just one-- Pfft!
--and it's all over.

Thanks. You're brave men.

Aw.
Tut, tut.

It will be an honor
to go to the block with you.

STOOGES: Oh.
What?

You mean they're gonna give us
the works too?

Didn't you know?
STOOGES: No.

We all die together.

Oh, no. I gotta get myself
a cheap lawyer.

And I just bought
two new hats.

I can't die. I haven't seen
The Jolson Story.

I'm gettin' out of here. I told
you we're monkeys in the-- Oh.

Hey, what are you doing?

SHEMP:
I'm thinkin' maybe
there's a cellar down there.

We're in the cellar.

[STOOGES MUTTERING]

Your dinner.
Eat hearty.

It's your last chance.

The princess herself
ordered it sent to you.

Hey,
look what Elaine sent us.

Ah, she thinks of me.

Now I can face the headsman's ax
with a smile.

Not me.
Where's your chivalry?

Well, I traded it in
for a gut that-- Oh!

Ow. The princess should have
used more yeast in it.

Shut up.

[METALLIC RATTLE]

You hear that?

Do I hear it?
It's loaded.

What is it?

Ah.

[OBJECT THUDS]

Some recipe.

Quiet.
Ooh.

Get to work.

Oh, boy.

That babe sure can cook.

Shut up.
Ah.

You get busy too.
Go on.

SHEMP:
Here. Here.

Oh.

Ah.

Hey, fellas. Ooh!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Hold that chisel.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

What's the matter with you?

I think you loosened
my teeth.

Hold still.

Thanks. You did it.
Okay.

Here. Come on.

Put your head right on there.

SHEMP:
Okay.

Ow! Ow! Ooh!
Oh, you hurt my hand.

What are you squawkin' about?
Look what he did to my feather.

Wait. I got a nail here.
You won't lose that--

[STOOGES MUTTERING]

[SOBBING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[GASPS]

[SCOFFS]
My dear.

Still crying over that--?
That horseshoer?

I love him,
even if he is a smith.

You'll forget all about love
when I marry you.

Never.

If you become my bride,

I'll persuade the king to spare
your blacksmith's life.

Think well your answer.

I'll be waiting.

Boys,
it's no use.

We've been at this thing an hour
and accomplished nothing.

[SHEMP GROANS]

Let's take a breather,
then start again, maybe.

Hey, there's a draft
in here.

No wonder.
The door is open.

Sure.

[STOOGES GASP]

GUARD:
What's going on in there?

LARRY:
Listen.

Get the key.
LARRY: I got it. Go ahead.

Get going.
I'll put him in there.

MOE:
Hurry up.

LARRY:
We'll have you out
in a minute.

Help! Help!
Call out the guards!

LARRY:
Shut up.

[HAMMER CLANGS]

Save yourselves, men.
The guards are coming.

[HAMMER CLANGS]

STOOGES:
Ah-ah-ah-ah.

See what that guy wants.

[STOOGES SQUEAL]

LARRY:
Whoa.

Baaa!

LARRY:
Aaah!

Aaah!

[STOOGES SHOUT]

[STOOGES SHOUT]

[BLEATS]

[BLEATS]

Ah!

[INAUDIBLE]

[WHISPERING INAUDIBLY]

[GRUNTS]

Do you understand,
Sir Satchel?

Once Elaine and I are wed,
the king must die.

SATCHEL:
Yes, Your Highness.

You have instructed
your assassins?

I have.
Good.

Pay them handsomely.

If a few hours,
if they strike well,

I shall be king,

and you will be the richest man
in all England.

SHEMP: No.
LARRY: Ah.

Ah.

Why, you--

You haberdasher.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[ARMOR CLATTERING]

Attaboy.
Pin him with a left.

Bring back the right.
Whoo.

What an uppercut.
Oh, boy.

And that's another left.

[BODIES THUD]
Left. Right. Oh.

Come on in here.

Looks like dirty work.

Poor Larry. He got two of them
before they got him.

Maybe they gave him the big
haircut already.

You know:
Ch-ch-ch.

If we could only bring him back,
I'd never hit him again.

No kiddin'?
Get outta--

Hey, I thought you--!
Shh. Shh.

Shut up and listen. You know
that Black Prince character,

the guy that tried to kill
Cedric?

Yes.
Well, he's gonna kill the king.

No.
Yes, but we'll spoil

his little racket.
BOTH: How?

I don't know. But we--

I got a plan. Quick,
get into these steel step-ins.

We're gonna make that
Black Prince feel mighty blue.

Away.

[STOOGES MUTTER]

The other way.

SHEMP:
I found some shinguards here.

MOE:
Put it away.
I got a headguard...

I have done as you ordered,
Your Highness.

When the guards hear the fanfare
of the trumpets,

Cedric's head will fall.

Good.

How do you like that?

I don't.

Cedric won't either.

Shh. Jiggers.

GUARD:
The king commands
your presence.

SHEMP:
We ain't got any presents.
The stores were all closed.

Ooh. Oh.

MOE: Your Majesty.
KING: Your names, sirs?

MOE:
Three restless knights.

SHEMP:
Our days ain't too hot either.
Oh!

This is my daughter,
the fair Elaine.

LARRY: Charmed.
SHEMP: Pleasure.

LARRY:
Say, she's
a good-looking kid.

SHEMP:
Must take after
her mother.

MOE:
On her father's side.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

SHEMP: Your Majesty.
MOE: Your Majesty.

It's us.
Oh.

Listen, Your Highness.
That Black Prince character

is fixing to kill your father
and make himself king.

Yeah, and I heard him plot that
Cedric gets it in the neck

when the trumpets blow.
Oh!

What's the matter?
The trumpets will blow

when the king
announces the wedding.

The Black Prince
pulled a fast one, the rat.

There's only one thing
to do:

See that those trumpets
don't blow.

[SIGHS]
[BONES CRUNCHING]

[STOOGES GROANING]

KING:
Knights and ladies,
I have glad news for you.

Elaine is to be wed.

Quick.

Let the trumpets sound.

[SILENCE]

Play. Play.

[SILENCE]

Blow those trumpets.

[SILENCE]

Blow!
[TRUMPETS SPUTTER]

[SPUTTERS]

[LARRY CACKLING]

Nice work.

Now all we have to do
is get Cedric out.

Can you keep them occupied
while I slip away?

Why, sure.
We're troubadours, ain't we?

Make all the noise
you can.
It's a cinch.

What will we do?

Dance, you dunce.

What do we use
for music?

Turn on the radio.

Are you kiddin'?
This is ancient times.

This is
an ancient radio.

Oh.

ANNOUNCER:
Are you short of money?

Are you still wearing
last year's rusty old armor?

Then see
the Scowling Scotsman today.

[BANJO MUSIC PLAYING]

[RATTLING ARMOR APPROACHING]

MOE:
Your Majesty, wouldst like
to see a right smart dance?

Wouldst.

[STEPHEN FOSTER'S "OLD FOLKS
AT HOME" PLAYING OVER RADIO]

[ARMOR RATTLING]

SHEMP:
Oh.

Oh.

LARRY & MOE:
Oh. Oh. Oh.

[STOOGES GRUNTING]

MOE:
What's the matter with you?

Are you cr--?
Hold that.

Oh.
LARRY: Wait a minute.

You can't do that to him.
MOE: Can't, can I?

Ah!

Seize them.

I'll run them through,
Your Majesty.

ELAINE:
Wait. Father. Father.

These men are your
loyal subjects.

There are your enemies.
I can prove it.

Take them
to the dungeon.

Cedric.

Oh, my darling.

My daughter
marry a smith?

Take it easy, king.

Millions of women
marry Smiths every year.

We'll have a wedding
after all.

Sound the trumpets!

[TRUMPETS BRAYING]

[TRUMPETS PLAYING FANFARE
CLEARLY]

[LAUGHS]

[STOOGES SPUTTERING]

[GASPS]

Fruit salad.
What do you know?

[♪]