Spy Intervention (2020) - full transcript

When the world's greatest spy meets the woman of his dreams, he abandons his adventurous existence and settles into the security of suburbia.

- At the dawn of time,

the roles of men and

women were well-defined.

He who lived an

adventurous life,

hunting, foraging and providing,

while she stayed in the

security of their cave dwelling

and made what little

they had at home.

But over millions of years,

something strange happened:

the lines blurred.

Call it evolution or

straight up confusion,

but the modern relationship

is so complicated.

Just like every other

couple throughout history,

we had plenty of our own issues.

While most people

plan a date night,

see a therapist or

secretly take out

their frustrations during sex,

we needed something

much more intense.

We needed an intervention.

I guess we should

start at the beginning.

When Pam and I first met,

like every other guy,

I was just trying to

scratch out a living.

What about Venice?

- Nah, too cliche.

- Yeah.

Tokyo?

- You know, I don't think

Francesca eats sushi.

- Yeah well, we

can't just take 'em

to New York for

dinner this month.

That's amateur.

- I don't know,

they're Black Ops.

Their standards are pretty high.

- Well I'll think of somethin'.

- Yeah.

- What about Paris?

- Well with everything

goin' on there,

I don't wanna feel

like I'm on-call.

- Nah, you're right.

I'll think of somethin'

a little more exotic

off the grid.

You didn't see that or this.

I've got it.

- What?

- Kathmandu.

- Kathman-fucking-du, yes!

- The girls are gonna love

the little restaurants

and dive bars in the Himalayas.

The important thing is

what happens in Kathmandu,

stays in Kathmandu.

- I've got our target,

Egan Doyle.

We don't know what

kind of weapon

he's trying to

acquire or from whom.

He's moving quickly

through the concourse.

- I'm so sorry, are you okay?

- No no, I'm not okay.

- What?

- That really fucking hurt.

- Corey, what's goin' on?

- I just don't know what

would make you in such a rush.

You don't have to be running

recklessly through a mall

without looking

where you're going.

I mean it was rude

and I've just gotten

to a point in my life

where I'm gonna be one of

these people that speaks up,

so this is me speaking up.

And I'm just curious what

you might have to say

other than you're sorry

because you've already

fucking said that.

- I don't know.

- Sorry, I overstepped.

Here I am giving lectures

when I should just be

I'm handing out free samples.

- What the hell are

you doin', Corey?

Go get Egan.

- It's all about

customer appreciation

and I want you to know

that I appreciate you.

- I feel appreciated.

- Whoa, your hands.

They're like sandpaper.

What, are you in

construction or something?

- What the?

- No, I'm not in construction.

I work in cardboard,

sell cardboard boxes.

- Right well if you want,

you can join our

membership club.

We can send you, you

know information,

specials and coupons.

I just need your email.

- Yeah, join the club.

- Great.

- I'm Corey.

- I'm Pam.

- Corey.

Is this thing even working?

Corey.

Corey, Corey!

- Shit, I'm sorry.

I have to go.

- Is everything okay?

- Just a business meeting.

- What about your email?

- Don't

worry, I'll find you.

- Fuck, shit.

We lost Egan.

We lost Egan.

What the fuck?

- Jeez, thought it was a bug.

Don't freak out, Corey's

gonna be here any minute.

- So you're looking

at Havenshire County's

year five figure

skating champion.

- Wow, you're really good.

- Oh my god.

Were you in the

Olympics or something?

- Just a little ice

hockey growin' up.

- I knew it.

- What?

- You're gonna be

one of those guys

who's good at everything.

- What's wrong with

being good at everything?

- Knowing you're

good at everything,

nothing will ever

make you happy.

- That's not true.

I'm totally happy.

- Are you?

- Yeah, I am.

- You wanna know what I think?

I think you're one of those guys

who's always gonna be

looking up at the clouds

tryin' to figure

out the next dream,

the next accomplishment

trying to see

every little part of the

world and how to escape to it

all so you don't have

to look in the mirror

and find out who you really are.

- Where's the adventure

in that, my dear?

- The adventure is finding

out what's really inside.

- It's still kinda early.

What do you feel like doin'?

- No, it's your turn.

You can't expect me to

come up with everything.

- All right, well we can hop

a jet to New York, catch a play.

Jump on a yacht to Tahiti.

- Yeah.

- Or we can head to

Kenya for a safari.

- Your head, it's in the clouds.

For a guy who sells

cardboard boxes for a living,

you have quite the imagination.

- Yeah, I guess I do.

- Look, I've gotta get

up early in the morning

to open the store, so I think

we should call it a night.

- Yeah.

Yeah, we'll call it a rain

check on our next adventure.

- Look, I hope I didn't

freak you out earlier

with my whole anti-thrill

seeking diagnosis.

- There's something about you.

There's a word for it.

You're just--

- Oh god, no.

No, look I've been

on way too many dates

where people pretend.

You know, they're

not themselves.

It's not me.

What you see is what you get.

- No, I get it.

I'd much rather have

you be real than--

- Present something I'm not?

- Right, yeah.

- I guess if you do

wanna come over, you can.

But I'm gonna be

watching a movie

and I have laundry,

like a lot of laundry.

Stacks of it, in fact.

- Love to do laundry

and watch a movie.

- Great.

- Are you good?

- Yeah, I'm good.

You?

- Yeah.

- Fuck!

- What the hell

is wrong with you?

You're messin' me up.

- Coffee.

- You never miss.

- Yeah well, it must be the gun.

- You know ever since we

failed that Egan mission,

you haven't been the same.

- All right Smuts, I failed

one fuckin' mission one time.

It's bound to happen

sooner or later, 'kay?

- Well it wouldn't have happened

if you weren't off

flirting with Pat.

- It's Pam.

- Whatever.

Just tell me you're not

gettin' serious with this girl.

- Trust me.

Pam and I, we're

just havin' fun.

There's nothin'

serious about it.

- 45 seconds to play

in the sudden death overtime.

- Who would you do

if you could be someone

completely different?

- What do you mean?

- Don't you ever think about

making some drastic change?

You know, taking

some risk and chance

just to be something else.

- Oh yeah, sure.

I mean why not buy a

three-bedroom house

and sell boxes from one place

rather than chase corporate

accounts all over the world?

- No no no no, you have

to be something else.

I mean like for me, I've

always always always

wanted to have my makeup line.

- Really?

- Yeah, absolutely.

I mean I can see the

packaging field the products.

I once even worked

for the chemists

in developing this

firming cream.

- Firming cream, what

is firming cream?

- Oh you don't have to worry

about it, you don't need it

yet.

- All right.

So if you got it over

here, why not do it now?

- Now?

- Yeah, now.

- So says the

cardboard box salesman.

Why don't you just

change your career

and become what

you're dying to be?

- How do you know I won't?

- Well, I know.

I mean as much as I see myself

commanding a makeup empire,

I don't wanna sacrifice

everything I have now.

I think it'd be easier

climbing Mount Everest.

- don't know 'bout that.

It's pretty difficult.

I'd imagine.

Although, the Napelese

food is pretty good I hear.

- So how long have

you been thinking

about that three-bedroom house

with the white picket fence?

- Ever since I met you.

- Yeah?

I sort of had a similar thought.

- You did?

- Yeah, like this morning.

I was at Target and I

saw this dinnerware set

and I just suddenly thought

these would be perfect

for our dinner parties.

- You want dinner parties?

- Corey,

we're gonna have a

lot of dinner parties.

- There you go.

- Is that all?

- Is that gonna make me young

enough to make you the cougar?

- Yeah, well

they do come highly recommended.

- You ever seen one of these?

They take ya all over the world.

You could ride the Harry

train with me there.

- Okay, maybe one day.

- Don't take me off

your boyfriend list.

- I won't.

- Cheers.

- Have a great day.

- See ya soon.

- Bye, thank you

so much.

I don't have a gag reflex

in case you were wondering.

- Here we go.

- You are a moron.

- Mm-hmm, why?

- 'Cause he had a

frickin' black card.

- So?

- So that card is an

insurance policy, Pam.

That card says you

never have to work

at this shitty job ever again.

That card says sorry, Brianna.

I can't make it to

your birthday party

because my husband and I are

vacationing in the Swiss Alps

and then we're going

to our Italian villa

where we're gonna be

waited on hand-and-foot

by bronze-chested man servants.

- Brianna, you know

I'm in a relationship.

- Corey

sells boxes, Pam.

Okay?

I mean is he cute?

Yeah.

Does his ass look good

in a pair of jeans?

Sure.

Does he have a good personality?

Why not?

But at the end of the day,

he sells cardboard

fucking boxes, Pam.

Do you know how boring that is?

- It's not boring.

Is he James Bond?

No, but like I don't

want a James Bond.

- Well good 'cause

you got James Bland.

- I just want someone

I can depend on.

Someone that is stable,

like-minded, consistent.

- Well you shoulda told me

you were looking for that

'cause I woulda hooked you

up with my grandfather.

- Okay.

Okay.

What does he do, eat

your pussy really good?

I don't know, I don't get it.

I can't answer that question.

- You just

quit, what the hell?

- This whole spy life isn't

what I want anymore, Smuts.

You said it yourself,

I haven't been the same

since I failed

that last mission.

It's 'cause I'm not.

- God.

Please don't start with that

romantic dribble about Pat.

- It's Pam.

And yes she's what I care

about, Smuts all right?

I love her.

I'm ready to live

that normal life

that we've always

been protecting.

- Really?

Wow, okay.

So you're telling me that

you can't wait to go out,

assume your cover,

sell cardboard boxes

be chained to a desk,

join a bowling league,

start paying taxes,

get a mortgage,

have a car payment,

fly commercial,

start swimming in

credit card debt?

I mean what are

you gonna tell me next,

that ya like drinking

domestic beer?

- I love domestic beer.

- Done.

Holy, it's a

bit of a fixer-upper.

- Yeah, but it's ours.

Well our boxes are made

of 100% recycled material.

No, I can't give you a discount.

What I can do is enroll you

in our customer

appreciation program

which does offer

rewards on both orders.

Well I'm sorry to

hear that, sir.

But if you happen

to change your mind,

don't hesitate to call back

and ask for cardboard Corey.

Ooh.

- Welcome to the team.

- Well let's knock 'em down

and knock 'em back, huh?

Honey, I'm home.

- Taste this.

- Mmm, that's good; what is it?

- Nepalese Momo.

I found them in this amazing

cookbook that I picked up

this week and I

couldn't find the Jimbu,

but I think this'll

taste all right.

- A what?

- It's a Nepalese dried onion.

I'm testin' for

our dinner party.

- What dinner party?

- Corey.

- What?

- We're gonna have a

lot of dinner parties.

- God, I hope it stays

like this forever.

And for the cave people, it

did stay like that forever.

But unfortunately, well

we ain't livin' in a cave.

I thought you were gonna

call and have that fixed.

- I thought you were gonna

call and have that fixed.

- No, we don't have

any plastic bins.

We don't have any

metal containers.

We don't sell steel

drums, just boxes.

Plain old fucking

cardboard boxes.

- It's all

about personality.

It's all about passion.

It's all about

believing what you sell.

- Look I don't know what you

want me to do here, Rick.

All right?

I watched the training video,

I followed the sales manual.

At the end of the day, I

mean they're just boxes.

- No, Corey.

They're not just boxes.

These are containers that move

the treasures of our lives.

- Right, okay.

- Remember our motto,

"Think outside the box."

- Hey, Freddy.

C'mon baby, let's go.

You got this.

Four pins, that's all we need.

C'mon.

- Loser!

- Woo!

- Hey, what the fuck?

First we lose to Polly's Pies,

then Tim's Auto Body

and now Diana's Floral?

I mean what is this?

I don't get it.

Do you even realize that

we are the laughing stock

of this league?

Every time you throw a

gutter or miss a spare,

you guys just laugh if

off and it's not funny.

I mean I've tried to

help you guys, right?

I mean Ted, I bought

you finger grips.

Where the hell they at?

Fred, I bought you lessons.

Bob.

Bob you know if

anybody was on my side,

I thought it'd be you.

I bought you a wrist guard

and you don't even wear it.

- Well why don't you quit?

- No.

Winners don't quit, Ted.

Winners win.

- I honestly don't give

a shit about winning.

- Yeah, man.

Do you know how much shit I

have to deal with at home?

I don't need extra pressure,

I don't want stress.

I come here to drink beers

and catch up with my guys.

- Hey, I forgot

to tell you guys.

My dual hood grill

just showed up.

It's incredible.

- Oh man, I am so

jealous right now.

- I'm kinda tired.

- Yeah, I'm kinda tired too.

Maybe tomorrow.

- Definitely tomorrow.

- Wow, you were totally right.

This definitely

beats happy hour.

You know serial killers

hang out here, right?

- Okay look, you

didn't have to come.

I told you I had to

get the track lighting.

- Listen to yourself.

You've been on like

this Joan of Arc,

mother of misery

routine for a week.

- Here we go.

- I'm just saying I get

why you're depressed.

You get up, go to

work, you come home.

You watch "Dance

Mom" for 12 hours,

then you pass out and

do it all over again.

It's enough to make

anybody miserable.

- If I lied to you and

told you I was miserable,

would that make you stop?

- I don't want you

to be miserable.

I just want you to be that Pam

that I used to know, you know?

The Pam who was like it's

four p.m., who cares?

Let's go get drunk or let's

go on a crazy shopping spree

even though we both have no

money in our bank accounts.

The Pam that just had

that like joie de vivre.

- Brianna, I am happy.

Look, you just don't understand

what it's like to be

in a relationship.

There's a lot going on.

Corey and I've gotta you know

finish stuff with the house.

We're decorating rooms,

refinishing hardwood,

installing track lighting.

It's a lot.

You know, there's just not

enough time for joie de vivre.

- Okay, well we better make

some time for margaritas

'cause this bitch is craving.

- Okay.

- I wish you

would've married James Bond

instead of James Bland.

- James Bond?

James Bond, really?

'Cause he was an emotionally

unstable womanizing alcoholic.

- Yeah, but that's kinda hot.

- Wow, this place is amazing.

How come we've never

hung out here before?

- You're not funny.

- You're wrong.

You see I'm Rodney

fuckin' Dangerfield, man.

I'm tellin' you comedy

is tragedy and this place

is fucking depressing.

- I warned you I had to pick

up a light package, right?

You knew what you

were gettin' into.

- Yeah, you warned me all right

and all this really excites you.

- Yes, this really excites me.

- Damn, you need a vacation.

- What?

- A vacation.

A place you can

swim with dolphins,

squirrel suit off a cliff,

hovercraft over a lake.

I don't know, just

anything to feel your mojo

that's so obviously

been neutered by this

suburban insanity.

- Yeah well, I'd love to go

to some tropical destination

with warm sunshine and

cold drinks, Smuts.

But what problems

does that solve?

Hello.

What the hell, I'm here now.

Well why would you

have me come here

if you were gonna get it?

Okay.

- You really

do have a lotta problems.

- Spy means nothin'.

- Yeah well, you're

not a spy anymore.

- I feel like we should

take a trip somewhere,

get outta here.

- Go where?

- I don't know, anywhere.

England, France, Nepal.

- Cool.

- Yeah,

instead of reading and

tryin' to replicate,

you know let's go.

Boots on the ground, taste

the food, see Mount Everest.

Just escape.

- I've always wanted

to see Mount Everest.

- Could cash in

some airline miles,

go for a week, just

enough time to recharge.

- Refresh.

- Invigorate.

Just forget about all

our troubles, you know?

- What troubles?

- Not troubles, just stresses.

Life's little crosses

we all have to bear.

- Yeah?

But we agreed that we'd

spend money on the house

instead of carelessly

dropping out on vacations.

I mean for instance,

we still have to install

the track lighting.

- Yeah, but do we really

want the track lighting?

- Of course we want

the track lighting.

It's part of the lighting

package that we picked out.

And if we don't have that,

what is the point of

having this island

in the kitchen

without the island?

Where are we gonna put the

stools that we had pre-ordered?

Without stools, where's

everyone gonna congregate

at the dinner party?

- What dinner party?

- Corey.

- What?

- We're gonna have a

lot of dinner parties.

- We are?

- Yeah.

- What the hell is this?

- This is an intervention.

- Hi, Corey.

- An intervention.

What the fuck do I need an

intervention for, Smuts?

- Listen man, we know

you're miserable.

- Miserable?

No, I am not miserable.

My life is great.

- We've been watching.

Your life sucks.

- You've been spying on me.

- We're spies.

That's what we do.

- Oh my god.

- We wouldn't be true spies

if we allowed you to

waste away like this.

- Yeah, so you

decided to shoot me.

Great.

- I had to test

the new tranq gun.

- Who the hell is this?

- Remora aka Suckerfish.

Smuts gave me the code name.

After you left, he brought

me into handle the grunt work

he didn't wanna do.

Isn't that right, Smuts?

- Yeah, thanks.

I mean he's my minion basically.

- As much as I

appreciate being dragged

all the way down here

and told my life sucks,

you're wrong.

I love my life.

I love that I get to

wake up every morning,

go to work and come home.

No chance of being shot.

No chance of being blown up.

Now call me crazy,

but the change is

actually quite refreshing.

Really?

- Corey, this is a safe place.

- Why do you keep

talking like that?

- Corey, Smuts and I wanted

to create a circle of trust

so you felt comfortable.

- Corey,

there's somebody we'd

like you to meet.

- Oh, fantastic.

Fine, but then I'm leaving.

- Okay, thank you.

- Corey, my name

is Dr. Studebaker

and I have been

doing some analysis

on the field research

I was provided.

I prepared a few images.

Frustration,

anger.

- Big one.

- Denial

and finally, acceptance.

- Bravo, Smuts.

You put a few pictures

together, what's the point?

- My point is the reason you

can't settle into suburban life

has nothing to do

with the life itself.

- Oh, well I can

maintain an erection

if that's what

you're gettin' at.

- I know, we have the slides.

Corey, you have

unfinished business.

- What the hell are

you talkin' about?

- You failed your last mission

and rather than face your

failure, what did you do?

You ran away.

I believe that failure's

causing these strong emotions

of frustration in

your present life

and until you succeed

at a final mission,

you won't be able to settle into

a peaceful and

tranquil existence.

- Well, thank you

very, very much

for the psychobabble bullshit.

But trust me when I tell you

my life is perfectly fine, okay?

And the last thing I need

is to chase some lunatic

half way across the globe.

- You know, you

wouldn't have to go far.

The mission's here.

Egan's back.

- Great.

Then you won't have to go

far to get him, will ya?

- Egan recently got married

and is mysteriously

honeymooning here.

We believe he's tryin' to

acquire plans for a weapon

from a local sell.

We've arranged for you to come

back for this one mission.

You start tomorrow.

- What the hell don't

you understand, Smuts?

I'm just not interested, okay?

- Corey, they're only doing this

because they care about you.

They want to help.

- I don't need their help

and I damn sure don't need

this fucking intervention.

- Okay.

- Lemme guess,

the shrink was right and

you're only doing this

so you can settle down

in your married life?

- I hate you.

- Welcome back.

- Egan's set to arrive

Friday before noon.

He'll be stayin' in a

suite at the Pines Hotel

and unlike your

perfect marriage,

we're convinced his is a cover.

- So what's our strategy?

- You're to mirror

his every move.

You've come in town

for your honeymoon

and will be stayin'

in adjacent suite

with one of our field agents

who's gonna pretend

to be your wife.

- Hold on, hold on.

You want me to pretend to

be married to someone else?

- Yeah.

- This

is the best you guys

could come up with?

Wow you didn't drag me all

the way down here for this

did you, Smuts?

- Smuts has had me

prepare the research

and all of our modeling confirms

that pretending to be married

gives us the greatest access.

- Relax, Corey.

You can still clip

coupons, trim hedges

and come home to

Pam every night.

I just need you to bond

with Egan and his Mrs.

and get the plans for a weapon

that could wipe us all out.

We don't know what it is.

It could be a laser, it

could be an atom bomb.

I don't know.

I just know that

lives are at risk!

Are you willing to have

blood on your hands

because you're married

all of a sudden?!

That's on you, brother.

- All right.

Fine I'll do it, but I'm

only doin' it for Pat.

- Once you befriend

Egan and his new bride,

you should be close

enough to use this.

- Smuts told me to play around

in a lab for a few weeks

and I came up with this.

It's actually a

visual lie detector.

See these buttons?

Itty-bitty cameras.

When you speak directly to Egan,

it'll scan his face,

send that information

back to these monitors

where we can determine

if he's lying or not.

- And we're sure this works.

- Corey, you ever think

about leaving Pam?

- No, absolutely not.

- It works.

Let's make sure to fully

weaponize Corey's house

for his own protection.

Oh and since you're back, we'll

go ahead and pick up the tab

on your domestic beers.

- Smuts, I'm on-site.

The preventative

security measures

are ready to be installed.

You can count on me.

I'm takin' care of business,

doing it by the book:

tackling objectives,

checking boxes.

Smuts?

- Where

the hell is Corey?

- He wanted me to tell you

that he has set up

several off-site meetings

with potential buyers and that

you should be proud of him

because he's thinkin'

outside of the box.

- All right, get back to work.

A-B-C, always be cardboarding.

- Here's your key.

Agent Panzant's

waiting for you inside.

I hear she's hot.

- What's your point?

- My point is it's your

job to hook up with her.

- I'm married, remember?

I'm only doin' this to

get Egan, find closure.

- Uh-huh.

- Trust me.

Once this is over, it's

gonna take my relationship

to a whole other

level, all right?

- Sure.

- Whoa hey, hold up.

You're not comin' in?

- Why would I do that?

- I don't know, we just

always worked together.

- Right.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh!

You're afraid to be alone

in a room with a hot girl.

What, are you afraid you're

gonna give into the temptations

on the other side of that door?

- All right, all right.

- Like a real therapy session

where you're just takin'

out your daily aggressions.

- Is that how you do it?

- Then when it's all done,

you guys just lay in like a

kiddie pool of your own sweat

in the middle of the bed

exhausted, but feelin' good.

Secret is safe with me, dude.

Spy's honor.

- You're an idiot.

- I hope you don't mind.

I'm a sort of a method spy.

- Method spy, huh?

- You know, like

a method actress.

I have to live it to be it.

- Right.

- And to be honest,

our whole relationship,

our marriage,

I'm just not really feeling it.

- Feeling what?

- Us, together as a couple.

I mean, think about it.

Would someone like

me ever actually

be attracted to

someone like you?

- Oh okay, I see.

Then how do you

know someone like me

would be attracted

to someone like you?

- 'Cause you look married.

- Okay.

¶ Please don't give up on me ¶

¶ I know that ¶

- Where are you?

Is everything okay?

- Everything's fine.

Everything's fine.

I got a ton of work to do

so don't wait up, okay?

- This is much better.

- I'm not agreeing, but

I'm not disagreeing.

- I totally think we should

be one of those couples

who just can't keep their

hands off each other.

See you at nine tomorrow.

- Yeah, see you at nine.

Smuts, fill me in.

Gimme the details.

What's the skinny?

- I had to buy 50k

in boxes from Corey,

so his boss wouldn't

get suspicious.

- Got it.

Did you consider spacing

out the deliveries

to make it look more legitimate?

Just an idea.

You wanna grab a

beer after this?

Smuts?

- Corey?

- You're still up.

- Yeah, I couldn't sleep.

What?!

- What, what's goin' on?

- Your hair.

- Oh yeah, got it cut.

Just thought a little

style couldn't hurt.

- But it's kinda ridiculous.

- All right, so maybe she

went a little overboard.

I don't see why you have

to freak out about it.

- I'm not freaking out.

- A little bit.

- Okay, I am.

But if I suddenly came home

with some weird and crazy

hairdo, you'd freak out too.

- You did.

You cut your hair short.

- Okay wait, you're saying

you don't like my hair?

- What?

- When I came home with it cut,

you said you loved my hair.

- What was I

supposed to say, Pam?

Wow honey, did you

just join the Marines?

- Oh okay, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize

that our relationship

was one based on looks alone.

- You know what

I'm tryin' to say.

- No, I don't.

Something else you

haven't told me yet?

- No.

- What is going on?!

- What's goin' on?

What's wrong?

- Your chest.

- Oh yeah, I used a little

men's hair body removal cream.

What's the big deal?

- Oh my god.

- What?

- Nothing, it's just

you call me to tell me

that you're working late

and little did I know that you

were on your way to the spa,

turning yourself

into a metrosexual.

Everything just seems a little

bit suspicious, that's all.

- Nothing is going on

that needs to make

you suspicious, okay?

- What was that?

- Just somethin' else

I'm gonna have to fix.

- Oh god, it's not happening.

It can't be happening.

Oh, it's happening.

He's having an affair.

- Well fuckin' duh, dude.

God, it'd be so much easier

if his ass didn't

look so good in jeans.

- I mean where the

fuck did it go wrong?

- Where did it go wrong?

I mean come on, look at the guy.

He sells fuckin'

boxes for a living.

He's desperate.

Of course he's gonna fall

for some firm ass model

who lives for

alcohol and orgasms.

He probably shocked

he could get her.

I mean, I was shocked.

Come on, can you believe it?

- But what should I do?

You know, do I steal his phone?

- Yes.

- Hack into his email?

- Fuck yeah.

- I can't just spy on the guy.

- Oh, yes you can.

- Really?

But I can't.

- You can.

- I shouldn't.

- You should.

- What am I even talking about?

I'm driving myself crazy.

- It's okay.

It's okay to go crazy

'cause he's a dick, okay?

And dicks make bitches crazy.

Look at me, you

need to spy on him.

That way you can catch

him in the motel,

you can kick down the door

and kick that collegiate

nympho to the curb.

I'll be there and I'll be

videotaping everything.

We'll put it on YouTube,

we'll get a ton of views.

It'll be great.

- The sound's drivin' me wild.

- Are we really gonna sit here

and listen to this shit all day?

- Trust me, I've done a lotta

sex stakeouts in my day.

Either Egan's a really good spy

or homeboy's really fuckin'.

Get the camera.

- Excuse me.

- Told you I'm method.

My character's in the mood.

- All right, I am not

method and my character--

- Actually this is a

really bad angle for you.

Can you just crane your

neck to left a little bit?

- What the hell are you doin'?

- Huh?

- You better not be gentle.

- C'mon, man.

This is for my Christmas

party blooper reel.

Remember that footage I

got of you and Graciela

from two years ago?

- Smuts, how many times

do I have to tell you

that I am fuckin' married?

- Personally, I think

open relationships

are quite progressive.

- Wow you're a real

freak, aren't you?

Just shut up and point

the camera, all right?

Now if you could just

get a little closer,

make it feel real.

- Hello?

Hey, baby.

- No no no, we'll never

use any of this wife stuff.

It's not that kind of a movie.

- What am I up to?

Just bangin' lots of boxes.

- There we go.

- No no no no, do not do that.

Do not do that.

I will do it in 15

minutes and I'll be there.

- Just bring it down

a little bit please.

- Okay, bye.

Listen as much fun as

this is, I have to go.

- Now?

- Now?

- Yeah, now.

You're the one who told me

not to let Pam get

suspicious, remember?

- You

totally killed it.

- Well Smuts can fill in.

Have a blast.

- You can't leave.

We're in the middle

of a mission.

- So am I.

It's called savin' my marriage.

- Sound like a mission

impossible, right?

- What, that's stainless.

Thought we talked

about brushed nickel.

- Oh, well we changed our mind.

- But the brushed nickel

goes with the vanity hangers.

- Yeah, I'm changing

the vanity hangers.

- So then what's the purpose

of me being here, Pam?

- I wanted your input.

- Get here.

Where's the gun?

Where is it?!

- What the hell was that?

- What?

Nothing, gonna be fine.

- Corey, you just had

a guy in a headlock.

- You know it's better to

be safe than sorry, right?

- I mean imagine

if someone we knew

had seen you acting like that.

Never would've come to

one of our dinner parties.

- What dinner parties?

Hey, Rick.

- Corey, get your ass

in the office now.

- Okay, I'm on my way.

I gotta get back to the

office, I'll see you then?

- Sure.

- Nice hair.

- Nice clothes.

- Nice ass.

- You wanted to

see me there, Rick?

- Cardboard Corey's back.

- He is.

- Goin' to Pines Hotel.

Three days, two nights,

all-expense paid.

- Boy, the Pines.

I don't know what to say.

- You think you're shocked.

- I couldn't believe it

when that 10,000 box

order came through.

- 10,000.

- You broke the company

record, broke my record.

You damn near broke

the world record.

How'd you do it?

- Oh you know, Rick.

I just took your advice

and thought

outside the box.

- Mm-hmm, well you're not

gettin' off that easy.

- I'm not?

- Starting today, I'm gonna

have the rest of the guys

follow us to your meetings.

You know, see how a real

professional does it.

- Wow Rick, you know.

I don't want the

other guys to know.

You know I like to work alone.

Just me, you know?

It helps me kinda focus in.

- Takes teamwork to

make a dream work.

You did watch tape two, right?

- Yeah.

- Hey Corey, congrats

on that hotel thing.

- Yeah

thanks a lot, Bob.

- I thought I was

gonna win this year.

But 10,000 boxes, huh?

That's somethin'.

- Trust me, it's nothin'.

- Yeah, but I don't

need a five-star suite.

Just another place my wife

wouldn't have sex with me.

- Okay, yeah.

- We'll see you tonight.

- Tonight?

- Bowling, remember?

Got the tournament,

Diana's Floral.

- Shit.

Yeah, right.

Of course, I'll

see you guys there.

- I told you to be here at 6:03.

It's 6:10, where

the hell were you?

- Oh I'm sorry, Smuts.

Before your little intervention,

I had something called a

life that I had to deal with.

- I always just

called it pitiful.

- How tight are these?

Well it's funny you say that

because this whole time I've

been dealin' with the fact

that you bought 10,000

boxes from me in one day.

What happened to the fact that

I told you to space it out,

you know make it look legit?

- What'd you expect me to do,

go in and fill out

a form every day?

I'm not gonna waste my time.

I've got things to do.

- Things to do.

Oh, that's great.

Well just so you

know thanks to you,

now I'm dealing with heat

from home, heat from work.

- Actually, I'm in heat.

Is that odd?

Actually, I'm in heat.

- Yes.

- Goddammit.

All right, let's get

our head in the game.

Claudia and Egan's restaurant

reservation is for seven p.m.

- How come your suit fits?

- Oh, thank you.

- He is not even

going to recognize you.

- Brianna, I look like a hooker.

I'm supposed to be undercover,

not auditioning for strip clubs.

Look, every year when I wanted

to start my own business,

I would go out and buy

something smart, sophisticated.

Something that says

I mean business.

So this is me.

I'm finally saying

I mean business.

- I love it.

You just need to hire my

lip girl and you're done.

- God, who am I kidding?

I can't do this.

I don't want to do this.

This is not who I am.

- Pam, you listen to me, okay?

You need to reclaim yourself.

You are a sexy, wild bitch.

- That would be embarrassing.

Some risks aren't worth taking.

- You see 'em?

- Oh you mean the sexy couple

that's actually

having a good time?

Vodka, meat.

- Club soda.

- He'll have a martini.

- Club soda.

- Straight up with a twist.

- What are you doin'?

- What are you doing?

You know, you should be

believable as my husband.

- Believable?

Let's not forget I'm the

one who's married here.

- Oh please.

Another big night

for you at home

is probably watching reruns

and eating leftovers,

but our marriage is not stuck

on opposite sides of the bed.

- Oh trust me, darling.

My marriage happens

all over the bed.

- Thank you.

Cheers.

Okay, big picture.

We need to connect with Egan,

so you need to connect with me.

So drink up, look at me

like you wanna fuck me

and check your baggage

with the bellhop.

- What baggage?

- What do you

mean, what baggage?

Remember Corey, this

is your intervention.

- You knew about that.

- Has anyone considered

they might actually

just be here on their honeymoon?

- No chance.

Everything they do is

too connected, forced.

Trust me, that's not

what married people do.

- Ooh.

- What are you doin'?

- What?

Should I stop?

Is it bad?

Huh?

Is it not what

married people do?

- Alex, sit down.

- Why?

- Because you're

drawing attention.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Who's looking at me?

Are the waiters watching?

What about Egan?

Is he watching?

What about you?

Are you watching?

- You're gonna blow this.

- Oh, you.

Get up.

I'm sorry I borrowed

your husband,

but this place

was a little dead.

- Are you kidding?

That was the most fun

we've had on our honeymoon.

- Wait, you're on

your honeymoon?

We're on our honeymoon.

- Shut up.

- Yeah.

- Shut up.

- Oh, I love you.

Hopefully we'll see

you guys some more.

- Well we're gonna be

hanging by the pool tomorrow.

Just drop on by.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- I hope you don't

mind if we turn in.

I just got super tired.

- Bye.

Okay, so now we have a pool

date with them tomorrow.

I guess you convinced

them you wanna fuck me.

- Shit, I gotta go.

- Go where?!

- Bowling tournament.

- Pfft.

- You guys shoulda seen

this Home & Garden Show.

Took up the entire Civic Center.

I mean they had pools,

tubs, lawn care, everything.

I even won a raffle.

- What'd you win?

- Leaf blower, a good one too.

- Nice.

- No shit.

- You're excited about

a leaf blower, Bob?

- And you'll be too.

Come fall all those

trees in your yard,

you're gonna be beggin'

me to borrow it.

- No, I just mean

there's gotta be more

to get excited about, right?

Leaf blowers and goddamn

home shows, is that it?

- It's an acquired appreciation.

- Look, all I'm sayin'

is you guys even notice

that all we ever talk

about is the yard

or adding a deck or

buying a new grill?

There's got to be more to life

than the fuckin' hardware

store, am I right?

- No, not really.

The only thing that

excited me last year

was when I put a

kegerator in my garage.

- That was awesome.

- So you're tellin' me that

this is all there is to life?

What we're livin' right

here, right now, this is it?

- Yeah, how hard is it?

You get married.

You watch each other

go to complete hell.

Have a kid maybe

two, stop having sex.

Save for retirement, get

the golden handshake.

Play golf on the weekends.

Take a dick pill, realize

that was a mistake.

Pick out where you want

your ashes scattered,

leave everything to the

kids and hopefully you know,

a lotta people show

up at your funeral.

- I'll come to

your funeral, Fred.

- Thanks, Ted.

- Corey, it's not like

there's some grand adventure

out there waiting for us.

We're just livin' life

like everyone else.

- And you guys are

okay with that?

- Yeah.

- Aren't you?

- Yeah, 'course I am.

- You're home late.

- I had bowling.

- Really?

Then why were there two messages

from the guys wondering

where you were?

- Well I showed up late

'cause I had to work late.

Big day at the office.

- Another one?

- Actually, I won

the all-expense paid

resorts vcation.

- Well then let's go.

- Wait, you wanna go?

- Yes, let's go this weekend.

- No, I can't.

- You can't what?

You were the one

that wanted to take

a spur-of-the-moment

trip, why not do it?

- Because I can't, Pam.

You know, all right?

I mean plus, I thought

we were gonna do stuff

around the house.

- Like what?

- Track lighting.

- Are you mocking me?

- Are you mocking me?

- Are you drunk?

- I'm not drunk, Pam.

I had a few martinis

and a couple of beers.

- What's gotten into you?

- What's gotten into you?

- I just wanna do

something different.

- And I just wanna

lay on the couch.

- Fine.

What was that for?

- The couch.

Goodnight.

- Blissfully committed

to their simple routine,

the cave people never felt

the need to seek excitement

from the outside world.

Unfortunately for us,

well that outside world

was quickly unraveling

any sense of routine.

Morning.

- Morning.

Operation: Catch

Corey is back on.

- Rick says

we're all goin'

on a sales call together.

- Yeah, lemme just

confirm everything

and we'll get on outta here.

- Alrighty.

- Oh, that little sneak.

- My god, do

you ever wear clothes?

- Excuse me, what

you're seeing here

is top-of-the-line

tactical gear.

This spy-kini she's wearing

is completely bulletproof,

fireproof and waterproof.

- My character sees your

character wearing this.

Oh I assumed you're small.

- You're tellin' me

these can stop a bullet.

- Sure.

- Don't get shot.

- They're waiting

down by the pool.

- Yeah, I'm not wearing these.

- You're gonna have to.

They've already

stitched the cameras in.

- Where?

- Here, just put it on.

- All right, I'll put 'em on.

But I'm not doin'

it for you guys,

I'm gonna do it for

the mission, for Pam.

- Oh hey, how are you guys?

- I've got a visual.

- I just feel so stupid.

I mean here I am

following my own husband

into a fucking honeymoon suite.

- Oh my god, he's a

frickin' polygamist.

I knew it.

Everybody watches a couple

episodes of "Big Love"

and then they think they

can do whatever they want.

Sorry honey, we're closed.

- Oh my god, there they are.

Oh it would just be so much

easier if she's a mess,

but she's--

- Pam.

I do not even

wanna hear what she looks like

because there is no way in hell

that she's prettier than you.

All right, tell me

what she looks like.

- Like some femme

fatale Bond villain

that just graduated from

Harvard with a degree

in you know fucking up my life.

- Stop.

You have to take the reins here.

You're his wife, okay?

You cannot let this

other woman win.

- Hey when you got it,

you flaunt it right?

- When we first decided

to honeymoon here,

so many people were like,

"Well that's different,

"but it's just so

beautiful here."

- I know, I had never been

to upstate New York before.

But the moment he proposed,

he insisted he had

to honeymoon here.

- I'm at a total loss.

This is not the

man that I married.

- You need to go confront him.

- I can't.

- You can.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to drive up there?

I'll drive up there and I

will cut Corey's dick off.

I will Lorena Bobbitt

that motherfucker.

I will take his dick and I

will throw it in the forest

and a little squirrel

will pick it up

and run away and

put it in its nest

and he'll never have it again.

He'll be dickless.

- Brianna.

- I can cut his nuts

off if that's better.

If the dick's too much,

you know I can always

take the balls.

My grandma used to do it

with the hens all the time.

- Look, no one's nuts

are being cut off.

- Well then you

need to go confront him.

- So why did you decide to

honeymoon in Glens Falls?

- We've been jet-setting

around the world

for the last two years

straight for business,

so we wanted something

quaint and charming,

a bit out of the

way, off-the-grid.

- How 'bout you guys?

What made you select

a place off-the-grid?

- Same.

Off-the-grid's the desired

honeymoon destination,

am I right?

You know service

is kinda slow here.

I think I'm gonna go

order from the bar.

Do you guys want anything?

- Why don't we split a

decent bottle of champagne?

- Great idea.

- Little birdie's on the move.

- That's my birdie.

- You have something I need.

- Shit.

- What happened?

- Can you help me?

- Almost got it.

- All right, all right.

That's fine.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Honey, you're sweating.

Why don't you take

a dip and cool off?

- And you should reapply

the sunscreen, sweetheart.

You're startin' to burn.

- Fine.

- All right

Corey, play it off.

Don't let Egan suspect anything.

- Mmm, feels so good.

- Do you wanna grab a beer

or something after this?

- How many times do

I have to tell you?

I don't wanna hang.

I don't wanna grab a beer.

We're not gonna watch

the game together.

- Okay, I just see how

cool you and Corey are

and I was hoping that someday

you and I might have that,

be more than just two

guys saving the world.

- Suckerfish, Corey and I,

we've been buddies

since we were teens.

We were recruited together

and we trained together.

We've spoiled some pretty

crazy plots around the globe.

I mean,

you know I'm the only one

that knows Corey's real name?

- Wow.

- You and I, we just

don't have that history.

- Yeah you and I don't

have that history yet,

but someday we might.

- I just don't really

see that happening.

- Oh shit,

look who's here.

- Aw, shit.

Aw, shit.

This is bad.

This is really bad.

- Hey, what's up?

- Oh nothing.

What's up with you?

- Is there a reason you

called me three times, Pam?

I just stepped out of a meeting.

- Oh, what kind of a meeting?

- A business meeting.

- Oh yeah, what were

you talking about?

- Why are you acting like this?

- Acting like what?

I'm just tryin' to ask

you about your day,

see if you're doin' all right.

Curious what you're up to.

- That's why you called?

- Mm-hmm.

Oh no, actually.

I need you to drop by the store.

- What?

- Yeah, it's on your way home.

- Okay fine, just text it to me.

- Why can't you write it down?

- Pam.

Just tell me and

I'll remember, okay?

- Okay some cinnamon, cardamom,

semi-sweetened dark chocolate,

pine nuts, mocha extract,

light syrup, cocoa powder,

pastry shells and some

Popsicle sticks.

- Okay, got it.

- Okay, now repeat

it back to me.

- What?

- Just repeat it,

so I know you know.

- I know what it is, Pam.

- Then repeat it.

- Popsicle sticks, cinnamon.

- Some cinnamon, cardamom,

semi-sweetened dark chocolate,

pine nuts, mocha

extract, cocoa powder,

pastry shells and

Popsicle sticks.

- Fine.

- Did you write it down?

- Pam, I told you I'll remember.

- Oh really?

Oh I'm so sorry.

I don't know what's

wrong with me.

Here I am rambling on and on

while you're trying to work.

That's it, you're hard

at work by the pool,

having some tramp rubbing

sun lotion in your back.

- Pam?

- What?

What's the matter?

You've too many

wives to remember?

- No Pam, just wait.

What's with the hat?

- God.

Swear to god, we need to put

an restraining order on her.

- Yeah, she can

be a little crazy.

Maybe I should just check.

- That's his ex-fiancee.

She's a tad bit delusional.

- Shit, yeah?

- I hate making these calls.

- What calls?

- The ones where

I let people go.

- What're you

talkin' about, Rick?

I'm your best salesman, righT?

I mean I won the free trip.

My sales are through the roof.

- T-E-A-M.

I want team players,

not prima donnas.

Guys see what you're doin'

and start coppin' attitudes,

doin' things their way.

Next thing you know, the

whole company goes to shit

because you wanna play

the game your way.

- I mean I think I'm settin'

an example here, Rick.

You know, raising

the bar a little bit.

- What bar, what example, huh?

You just left.

I don't even know where

the hell you are right now.

- I went on assignment.

- Bullshit.

That's what I used

to say to my wife

when I was fuckin' her sister.

That's it, Corey.

You're fired.

- Fuck.

Pam, you gotta let me explain.

- I would love

to hear your explanation

or you could just go with

I'm screwing somebody else.

- I'm not having an affair.

- I know, I know.

You married her.

You're on your honeymoon,

congratufuckinlations.

- Pam, just listen to me.

Calm down and let

me explain myself.

Who the fuck is that?

- The dinner party.

- Dinner party?

What fucking dinner party, Pam?

I mean my god, you

keep goin' on and on

about these dinner

parties that don't exist!

We bought dishes.

We bought a bar.

I installed a water feature

all for these dinner parties

that never seem to happen.

- I am not canceling

my dinner party

just because you had

some sordid affair.

- I wasn't cheating.

All right look, I'm gonna tell

'em that we made a mistake

and we'll do this another night.

- No!

No no, no you won't.

You are not ruining

my dinner party

just because our

marriage is over.

- Hey, everybody.

- Is this one of them

swingers parties?

'Cause we didn't

bring any rubbers.

- We

just thought that

it would be fine for tonight.

- Just would be fun to

get dressed up because--

- Yeah, well we wanted

tonight to be a--

- It's a theme party.

- Yeah.

- What kinda theme?

- A spy theme dinner, Bob.

- Yes, exactly.

You see 007 just

got outta the pool.

- And Agent 99 here

was just about to

make some drinks.

- I've got martinis;

shaken, not stirred.

- Who wants to be

Money Penny?

All right, shall we?

- Cheers.

- You know Pam, we woulda

perfectly understood

if you needed to cancel.

- Why would I have to cancel?

- Well if I got

fired, the only party

we'd be havin' that night

is my funeral.

- You know what?

I think he did say

something about that.

- You weren't supposed

to say anything, Ted.

- Here are my Parmesan

portobello slices

with sun-dried tomato.

- Pam, these are so good.

Do you have a secret ingredient?

- Oh I'm sorry, Bob.

My secret is what you

see is what you get.

No little white lies,

no half-truths, no

funny little fibs.

- Bob, will you

excuse us a second?

- Why?

No, they're fine.

They already know that

you lost your job.

I just found out from Fred.

- Oh, I'm Ted.

- Pam, you have

to let me explain.

- Trust me, this way

it'll be so much easier

to split up the assets.

- Corey, now that we're not

competin' over the trip,

you wanna tell me how you

sold so many damn boxes?

- What

the fuck is this?

- Brianna, are you okay?

- Am I okay?

Am I okay?

I just spent an hour in

the car convincing myself

you didn't leap to your death

and here you are having a--

- A dinner party.

- A dinner party.

- Yeah.

- Well why wasn't I invited?

- It's sort of a couples-only.

- Oh, couples-only.

Why are you still

wearing that costume?

- 'Cause it's a spy

theme dinner party.

- Oh, a spy theme dinner party.

Ooh, so fancy.

You know what, Pam?

I just can't believe

after hours of me

listening to your marital

woes, this is how I'm treated.

But if the name's not

taken, I'm Pussy Galore.

- The hell are you doin' here?

- We have to get you--

- Hi, I'm Pam.

I didn't get to

introduce myself earlier

because you're whoring yourself

around with my husband.

But I just want to let

you know that tomorrow

we are getting a divorce.

But tonight I'm having

my dinner party, okay?

- I came by to say

that I'm sorry.

- Sorry you got caught or sorry

that you're a whore

that lacks style?

- Sorry because this

isn't what it looked like.

- Exactly.

- Don't insult my intelligence.

- No, I'm serious.

Alexandria here is an actress.

- A method actress actually.

- Superbly talented.

- Okay I saw, remember.

- Right.

You see, sweetheart.

I found out that a huge

potential client and his wife

were gonna be honeymooning

over at that hotel.

So I thought why not hire

an actress to play my wife,

go to the hotel, bond with

guy and make the big sale.

- Yeah I mean, it was

completely legitimate.

I've been in the business

since I was a kid.

Lots of musical theater.

- Yeah, whatever.

Look, why don't you help

yourself to a doggie bag

and then you can choke on it?

- Oh, I'm staying here

'cause Corey hired me

to be here for the dinner party.

- That's right, I did.

- To do what?

- To teach dance.

Cue the music.

Dance with me.

- You lucky son of a bitch.

- Spin me.

Egan's on his way.

- You could not have

hired her tonight.

You didn't even remember that

we were having a dinner party.

- You have to get these

people out of here.

Go ahead and ask

your wife to dance.

You have to get these

people out of here.

- Fine.

If people are dancing,

we're dancing.

¶ You can try to stop me ¶

¶ You can ¶

¶ You can try to stop me ¶

¶ And I'm goin' 'til

the wheels fall off ¶

- I need you to come clean.

Just be honest with me.

I mean if I have ever

meant anything to you

in any level at any point,

I deserve to know

what's going on.

- You're right.

- Nobody moves.

Where is it?

- Don't know.

- I want my pen back.

- All right all

right, take it easy.

But leave them outta

this, they're innocent.

- No no, yeah you're right.

We should just keep

this between us,

but I like a little

bit of insurance.

- No.

- I want my pen back

with the plans on it

delivered in an hour and why

don't you gas up the jet?

- A jet?

- Mm-hmm.

- And if I can't

get it here by then?

- Then your wife will die.

- She's not his wife.

This is his wife.

- Yeah, could someone

just please explain to me

what the hell is going on?

- Honey, I'm a spy.

- Okay, enough of

that charade already.

- No, I am.

I'm serious.

We work for the government

as part of an elite taskforce

trained to stop high-tech

futuristic weapons

from falling in the hands

of fuckfaces like this guy.

- Okay, well this

definitely falls

under reconcilable differences.

- Hello?

- Smuts, I need you to

bring me the pen right away.

- Okay.

- You guys weren't

actually married?

- No.

- But your ring seemed so real.

- It was cubic zirconia.

- Shut up.

- Mm-hmm.

- Shut up.

- Yeah.

- So is mine.

- Wait, but you guys

seem so happy together.

- No, you guys seemed

so happy together.

- Thank you.

- Okay.

Nobody's actually

happy here, okay?

Let's review: you

and I aren't married.

These two aren't married.

The only people here that

are really married are them.

- Oh, no.

No, actually we're

getting a divorce.

Oh fuck, my lasagna.

- Whoa, excuse me?

- My lasagna, it's burning.

I need to get it.

- Are you kidding me?

Do you want this

house to burn down?

- I don't care.

- To him sweetheart,

I don't think

your lasagna's the

key issue here.

- It's actually not my

lasagna, it's Stouffer's.

- You want me to serve

Stouffer's at our dinner party?

- Well I was gonna

make it from scratch,

but you in the midst were

playing spy meets adulterer

meets probably the worst

husband in the world.

- Honey, I think

you're overreacting

just a little bit

here, all right?

I'm gonna take care of this.

- Overreacting?

Overreacting.

Do you know how

humiliating this is?

You know how heartbreaking it is

to have your marriage

be over within...

Okay.

Oh, in a year?

Seriously?

I'm now a statistic.

I'm one of those,

one of those people

where you probably

had some I don't know Navy

SEAL mental training shit

where you know how to handle

all these sorts of situations

to probably diffuse a

bomb under pressure.

- The hell is she doin'?

- I'm leaving.

I'm packing my things.

You can shoot me if you want,

but otherwise I'm moving out.

- Can you stop her?

- Can you stop her?

- Yeah, I could shoot her.

- Let's go.

- I knew we should've

gone to Nepal.

If not Nepal, Paris.

If not Pairs, London.

I mean just done something,

anything to escape the confines

of this ridiculous place.

- Pam, sweetheart.

Let's just get through this

and we can reset, okay?

We'll call it a

second honeymoon.

We can go to all those

places, I promise.

- Okay, so now you don't mind

about skipping our

weekend projects?

You know putting off

the track lighting,

not even fixing the ceiling

that constantly crumbles.

- How many times do I

have to tell you, Pam

that I will get to it

when I fucking get to it.

Press the red button

under the bed.

- Holy shit.

Okay, what is that?

- That's a high-tech electrical

charge particle solidifier.

In short, force field.

- So you just had this

stuff here the whole time?

- Yeah, pretty much.

Sorry.

- You never thought about

pulling out one of these gizmos

when we were getting intimate?

- You would've wanted that?

- Yeah, I would've tried that.

- Well, we can.

- Corey, I'm not having

anymore dinner parties.

Anyone for charades?

- Who wants a nightcap?

- 60

off 10th Avenue.

- Come on.

- I just have one question.

- Yeah?

- Is your real name Corey?

- I wish it was.

- Goodbye.

- Where are ya headed?

- Does it matter?

- Whoa, hey.

Were you serious?

- Brianna, wasn't it your idea

for me to get out of

here and see the world?

- I mean it was and

then we tried it

and it was really

exhausting, you know?

It's like kinky sex.

You think you want it

'til you actually have it

and end up with a

penis in your ear.

- That's disgusting.

- Do you even have a plan?

- Yeah.

- What's your plan?

- To climb Mount Everest.

- To climb Mount

Everest, really?

What, are you working for

"National Geographic" now?

- Undercover: Discover

who you really are.

- What about Cairo?

- Yeah?

- Cozumel?

- Cozumel's cool.

- Dude, what's wrong?

- Nothin's wrong, man.

- Okay.

- Oh, what about Rio?

- I like Rio, you know that.

- I love Rio.

What?

You're not excited about Rio.

Okay, you must've forgotten

about that night

in the rainforest.

- I didn't forget about the

night in the rainforest, Smuts.

Why can't we keep

it simple, you know?

Like in the movie.

- What?

Okay, okay.

Three feet, three

feet, three feet.

Okay, that's it.

The sun's sizzling your brain.

We've climbed too close.

C'mon, we need some UV.

Here, use this.

It really works.

- Yeah, I know.

I got the whole line.

Even their eye moisturizer's

incredible, isn't it?

Soothing, too.

- You really miss her, don't ya?

- I do not.

- From my perspective, you

never stopped loving her.

No matter what your cover was,

you can't disguise

what's in your heart.

- Yeah.

Yeah, maybe.

- You know, I really

didn't hear what you said.

But that sounded really

fucking beautiful, Suckerfish.

- Thanks, man.

- Hey, you wanna get a

beer with me later on?

- I'd like that.

- Just kidding.

I'm not for the sweet

stuff, let's move.

Hold up, we got a problem.

- Excuse me, sir.

Jimbo?

- Very good Jimbo.

Debit or credit?

- "Pam, I hope you

enjoy the basket.

"I think it would've

been perfect

"for the second dinner

party we never got to have."

Dinner party.

What dinner party?

- What the hell is this?

- Corey, this is

an intervention.

- Oh god, not again.

For what?

- Because you're miserable.

- I'm not miserable.

- Oh, no no no no.

What?

- Yeah, we started dating

after the dinner party.

- You've been dating

Brianna this whole time

and you didn't tell me?

- Look, what was

I supposed to say?

I mean I'm in covert ops with

your ex-wife's best friend?

- I love it when

he talks like that.

- You guys?

I figured you hated me.

I was a total pain in the ass

and completely self-centered.

- I don't care what you were.

After I canned your ass,

these guys wouldn't shut

up about your spy tactics.

When I finally let them try it,

they broke all

your sales records.

- Yup, made him go method.

- We also got a bowling coach

and kicked the shit

outta Diana's Floral.

- Bob's been wearin'

his wrist guard.

- All right, well

this is all well and good, guys.

But somebody please tell me

why the hell you went through

all this trouble and what for?

- Because I had to

test the new tranq gun.

- Hey.

- It's actually my tranq gun.

- Dude.

- So you're the reason

for this intervention?

- Well if you're not too busy

tryin' to save the world,

I thought we should

give us another shot,

a different shot.

You know if you

hadn't been a spy,

I would've never woken up

and realized who I really am.

- What about just being

still looking in the mirror?

- Where's the adventure

in that, my dear?

- So does this mean we get

to take a second honeymoon?

- Anywhere you want.

- What do you think

about Kathmandu?

- Oh you know what they say,

"What happens in Kathmandu,

"stays in Kathmandu."

- "Stays in Kathmandu."

- Okay, so maybe

the whole intervention thing

was a little extreme.

But if we embrace our

primal caveman instincts

instead of hiding

from them in suburbia,

we'll realize that every

day can be an adventure.

¶ But I'm goin' 'til

the wheels fall off ¶

¶ You can try to stop me ¶

¶ But I'm goin' 'til

the wheels fall off ¶

¶ You ¶

¶ You ¶

¶ You you ¶

¶ You ¶

¶ You you you ¶

¶ You can try to stop me ¶

¶ But I'm goin' 'til

the wheels fall off ¶

¶ Don't call me your baby ¶

¶ Mistake me for a lady ¶

¶ Don't you ¶

¶ Don't you know

that I'm crazy ¶

¶ Don't you know that I'm ¶

¶ Don't say that you want me ¶

¶ Don't say that you ¶

¶ You need me ¶

¶ Don't you dare believe me ¶

¶ Don't you know that I'm ¶

¶ But I'm goin' 'til

the wheels fall off ¶