Spy Hard (1996) - full transcript

We're approaching the
insertion target area,

about a mile from your DZ.

You ready, WD-40?

I never felt more ready
in my life.

Oh, man!

Watch out!
Steele, you crazy fool!

What are you trying to do, man?

Alex Trebek on speaker:
Good afternoon, WD-40.

We now begin the Free Worlds in
Double Jeopardy round of your mission.

He's a sadistic criminal mastermind
and international arms dealer

who has brokered a deal to
sell a stolen Scorpion missile



to a Middle Eastern
terrorist cell.

The question is who is Rancor?

That's right,
General Durwood Rancor.

So why don't you
begin your mission,

and good luck to you, WD-40.

And don't forget, WD-40,
as always,

this tape will self-destruct
in three seconds.

[beeping]

Steele!

[alarm blaring]

General Rancor,
your chopper is waiting.

Fine.
Be there in a minute.

I ain't done with this one yet.

- [blows landing]
- Talk to me, boy.



He doesn't want to talk.

Take him outside and shoot him.

And when you shoot him,
use the silencer.

[muffled gunshot]

Thank you.
Have a nice flight.

Have a great flight.

- Enjoy destroying the world, sir.
- Thank you, ma'am. I will.

I'm going in there.

My God, look at you.

You are such an incredible man.

It's my job, darling.

I do it for my country.

Hmm?

Oh! Good luck.

[chuckles]

Luck's got nothing
to do with it.

[bones crunch]

[fabric rips]

[beeping]

[Rancor laughs]

Nothing can stop me now,

not even that sanctimonious

secret agent Boy Scout Dick...

WD-40:
Yoohoo!

[laughs]

...Steele?

Aah!

- Dick! Don't drop me, Dick!
- Hold on!

Don't-- Grab my wrist!

[groans]

Whoa!

Don't-- Don't drop me.

Aah!

[splash]

♪ A man of intrigue,
he lives for the thrill ♪

♪ Always has places to go
and people to kill ♪

♪ Danger is the game he plays ♪

♪ And he holds every card ♪

♪ 'Cause if you want to win,
you got to spy hard ♪

♪ A man of the world,
so suave and discreet ♪

♪ He trips over the women
piled up at his feet ♪

♪ But evil's lurking,
so he's always on his guard ♪

♪ 'Cause if
you're going to spy ♪

♪ You better spy hard ♪

♪ He's always there ♪

♪ When the chips
are beginning to fall ♪

♪ He wouldn't care ♪

♪ If they kicked him
and grabbed him ♪

♪ And shot him and stabbed him ♪

♪ And nailed both his ears
to the wall ♪

[thud]

♪ Facing death every day
is a tough job for any man ♪

♪ But his hours are flexible ♪

♪ And he's got a great
dental plan ♪

♪ By the way,
if you walked in late ♪

♪ Allow me to reiterate ♪

♪ The name of this movie
is "Spy Hard" ♪

♪ They call it "Spy Hard" ♪

♪ You're watching "Spy Hard" ♪

♪ It's the theme
from "Spy Hard"... ♪

[continues holding last note]

[thunder]

[bird calls]

[birds squawking]

[squawking continues]

[imitates lion growling]

[imitates bird calls]

Sir, I hate to disturb you,

but we're picking up
something very interesting

on the compound infrared
detection system.

Rancor:
Well, what is it?

Oh, it's this really neat
security system, sir.

It picks up the body heat
on the intruders--

Fine. What is it detecting?

Oh, it looks like
Agent Barbara Dahl, sir.

Barbara Dahl?

Hot damn. At last.

Arm me.

Yeah. Now,
bring me the bait.

[deep voice]
Welcome, Miss Dahl.

General Rancor
would like to see you.

Don't even think about it!

Put the gun down!

[deep voice] Move!
Don't try anything funny.

- Man: Watch it!
- Barbara: Ow, you morons!

Let go!

Ouch!

Well, look at you.

Barbara Dahl.

If you ain't the spitting
image of your mama.

Don't you talk
about my mother, you--

you hybrid curiosity.

My mother was twice
the man you are.

Hey, lady, I think you're carrying this
spitting image thing a little bit too far.

Now that I got Barbara Dahl,

it's just a matter of time before
Dick Steele comes to get her.

[laughter continues]

Have you, uh,
confirmed this transmission?

I have. It's confirmed.
It's Barbara Dahl.

Who authorized Agent Barbara Dahl
to go on this operation anyway?

No one.

- She's working on her own.
- Wha--

This one is personal, Coleman.

Well, this personal mission may
have cost a good agent her life

and put the entire
free world in jeopardy.

We must inform the director!

[beep]

Director on speaker:
This is the director.

What is it, Coleman and Bishop?

Sir, we've intercepted a very
disturbing satellite transmission

from our listening post
on the Rock of Gibraltar.

Well, what is it?

It's this really big rock
sticking out of the water

there on the south
coast of Spain.

[speaking through phone]
What is the transmission?

You have to see it
to believe it, sir.

You've got to put it
on channel three.

No, four.
Switch it to VHS.

And take it off of cable.

Put it on the monitor.

Announcer: And now, this special
message from Rancor Industries.

She makes a pretty hood
ornament, don't you think?

Rancor!

Yes, it is I,
good old General Rancor.

I'm back, big as life
and twice as ugly.

But Steele blew him up.

Apparently not.

You did everything except eat me

and I'm still alive.

All Steele did was blow off
a couple of arms.

That's no biggie, no big thing.

Now I've got plenty of arms,

big arms, pretty arms...

I got arms up the wazoo.

Now let me show you something.

Your pretty little
agent is now part

of the nose cone
on top of my missile.

This missile will be
launched in 36 hours,

and nothing will stop me.

He's a madman.

Only thing is,
I'm missing one little chip

that controls my satellite,
and daggone, I want it back.

Now you hand me my chip,

I'll give you back your agent.

Good God.
He must be stopped!

Dick Steele couldn't
stop me 15 years ago,

and all the dicks you've got
won't stop me now.

Apparently he hasn't seen the
size of some of our newer members.

- [tragic violin music playing]
- With the chip, he rules the world.

Without the chip,
he destroys the world, and--

Would you practice someplace else?
I'm trying to think!

- [playing "Dixieland"]
- The world.

Ha! We all know what
General Rancor really wants.

Steele.

That's right,
and we're going to give Steele to him.

Steele?

Have you forgotten
what happened the last time

Steele was placed
in the line of fire?

Coleman:
We are, uh, stopping here.

Traveller wants to mingle
with the crowd.

[cork pops]

[packaging pops]

[bubbles pop]

[popping continues]

Coleman: Steele,
what the hell are you doing?

Traveller:
Get off me!

Coleman: Get him in there!
Get him in the limo!

Cover him!
Get him in the limo!

Get in the car!

Go, go, go, go!

Go, go!

Man on PA:
The bridge is out.

Do not enter.

The bridge is out.

Coleman:
The bridge is out!

The bridge is out, damn it!
Stop this car!

[shoes screeching]

Stay away from the window, sir.

Steele, do something!

Good job, Steele!
Thanks!

Coleman: It's about time that
jerk did something right.

- Whoa!
- Coleman: Hang on, Mr. President.

The bridge is out.
Do not enter.

Thank God our president was
one hell of a good swimmer.

Nonetheless, there's only
one man for this operation.

Agent WD-40-- Steele,
Dick Steele.

Woman:
Dick, Dick, Dick Steele.

Oh, Dick.

Oh, Dick, that was incredible.

Thank you.

Don't thank me, darling.

The art of lovemaking takes two.

Sometimes three or four, depending
how well you do at the crap tables.

Fore!

Well, my putter's up.

Oh, Dick, I'm exhausted.

You are insatiable.

15 minutes to tee off time.

Darling, I think there's something
you and I should talk about

openly and honestly before
I head off to my golf game.

What is it, Dick?

It's a game.

People dress funny,

hit a little ball with clubs.

Drinking is involved.

Is something wrong, Dick?

Well, whatever
we've had between us,

I think it's only fair
that you know

that my heart
still belongs to the girl

I fell in love with
years ago-- Victoria.

She fell off a cliff.

She died?

Yes, I know.
I was just getting to that.

But after Victoria Dahl,

well, I don't think I'll ever
find room for another woman

in this ripped apart,
torn-up, scarred, burned-out

lump in my chest where
a human heart once beat.

I hope you understand
what I'm trying to say to you.

[bad Russian accent]
Oh, I live, Mr. Steele.

It's your life
I'm worried about.

I'm glad you understand.

Aah!

I know how much
these things can hurt.

Man:
Steele.

Woman:
Hi, Dick!

- Hi, Mr. Steele.
- Good morning, Mrs. Huggermugger.

- Man: Fore!
- Watch out!

You all right?

Thank you.

Man: A little help, please?
Thank you!

Man on PA: Dinitaly foursome
to starter's window.

Mr. Jack Dinitaly to...

- Man: Duck!
- [glass breaks]

[woman screams]

Dick, wait.

Steve! Steve Bishop.
You look great.

Thank you.
We go back a long way, huh?

Yeah.

- Let's have a drink.
- Okay.

Sit right there, Steve.

- The usual, Mr. Steele?
- You betcha.

Well,
how's everything at the agency?

Eh, Dick, is used to be such fun

killing a few spies with
gas from a banana grenade.

But now it's all
bureaucratic politics.

You got to fill out 20 forms in
triplicate just to take a piss!

- [grunting]
- [bones crack]

- Boy, that was fun.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

They don't do stuff like
that at the agency anymore.

Well, I'm sorry
to hear that, Steve.

Dicky, there is something.

Steve, I'm out of the service.

There's a plot
to launch a satellite.

No, I'm out of the service.

Talk about something else.

- [phone rings]
- Man: Bishop?

- Bishop here.
- We got a new lead.

- Ah.
- Gonna need you here.

- Yeah.
- And get a dozen eggs.

- Okay.
- And a gallon of milk.

- I'll leave right away.
- Thank you, sir.

Eh, no more headsets,
ear buttons.

They put the receiver
right in your head now.

- Woman: If you'd like to make a call...
- I got to get back to the hotel.

The director wants
you to see this.

Not interested, Steve.

Please, Dicky,
take a look at the tape.

It'll change your mind.

She makes a pretty hood
ornament, don't you think?

Yes, it is I,
good old General Rancor.

I'm back, big as life,
and twice as ugly.

All Steele did was
blow off a couple arms...

Rancor.

He can't be alive.

My God.
Barbara Dahl.

Victoria, why would your
daughter join the agency

knowing what happened to you?

Why?

Why?

Why, why, why, why?

Steele narrating:
Victoria Dahl,

you were the only woman
I ever loved.

♪ Raindrops keep
falling on my head ♪

♪ And just like a guy whose
feet are too big for his bed ♪

♪ Nothing seems to fit... ♪

[honking and squeaking]

♪ Those raindrops are falling on my
head, they keep falling ♪

♪ So I just did me
some talking to the sun ♪

♪ And I said I didn't like
the way he got things done ♪

♪ Sleeping on the job ♪

♪ Though raindrops
are falling on my head ♪

♪ They keep falling ♪

♪ But there's one thing I know ♪

♪ The blues they send to me ♪

♪ Won't defeat me ♪

♪ It won't be long
till happiness ♪

♪ Steps up to greet me... ♪

- Steele: Whee!
- Barbara: Aah!

♪ But that doesn't mean my
eyes will soon be turning red ♪

TV announcer: We now join
Kelly Lang live downtown.

Kelly Lang here for
Channel 3 island news.

A tragic accident has claimed
the life of a businessman

identified as Steven Bishop
when a huge grand piano fell

from the 17th floor of the
Mayan Hotel directly behind me

- and landed on his car.
- An accident?

Having a kid at 60,
that's an accident.

Having a piano fall on you,
that's bad luck.

Woman:
Operator.

Operator, get me Washington.

George?

D.C.

I'll take care of the luggage.

Just some overnight things.

[tires screech, car crashes]

Woman:
Bonjour, monsieur.

It looks like you
could use a hand.

I'm afraid I'm pretty clumsy.

You must headed to Los Angeles.

How'd you know that?

It's written on your ticket.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Have a nice flight
and I wish you adieu.

Oh, thank you, but I'm quite
satisfied with the dew I have.

If you want to see me again,
turn around now.

Ah-ha.

No, no, no.
I asked for a window seat.

I can't be getting up and down

just because somebody
wants to be getting in and out.

I have too much to do.

I always have a window seat.

Excuse me, sir.
I was wondering-- Do you mind?

No problem.
Please, be my guest.

Actually,
I prefer and aisle seat.

Excuse me.
By my guest.

Sure, let me
help you with these.

I hope that this will be the last
of the conversations on this trip.

Your ticket.

[cat yowls]

- [cat yowls, glass breaks]
- Take it easy with that luggage.

[glass breaks, cat yowls]

Excuse me, sir,
could you put your tray table

up for take-off please?

No, the tray table stays down,
please. Thank you very much.

You've made things
inconvenient enough as it is.

What-- What is this?

- [baby crying]
- Is this yours?

Do you mind?

It's my briefcase.
Let me make more room for you.

Ooh! Aah!

Steele: Excuse me,
is this seat taken?

- Please.
- Thank you.

Do you always take matters
into your own hands?

Things often end up in my hands.

And I bet your hands end up
in a lot of things.

Let's just say
my hands and things

are often in the same place
at the same time.

Could I get you
something to drink?

We'll have dry Minolli
and Russos on the rocks,

stirred, not beaten,
twist of lemon,

in chilled glasses, not frozen,

and two of those
curly little straws.

[growls]

Countdown voice: 30 hours,
11 minutes, and 10 seconds.

30 hours, 11 minutes,
and eight seconds.

30 hours, 11 minutes,
and five seconds.

[dogs barking]

Director: Miss Cheevus, when Agent
Steele arrives, send him right in.

Mm-hmm?

Miss Cheevus,
is the director available?

No, he's married.

Oh, you kidder.

Miss Cheevus, you wouldn't be
trying to make things hard for me?

Oh, Dick, if only I could.

But you know, you and I would work
so well together deep undercover.

You know the agency's
rules about secrecy.

They're very rigid.

Yes, and we wouldn't
want to blow it, would we?

[buzzer]

Why don't you two
just get a motel room?

I need you in here now, Steele.

Uh, Miss Cheevus,
wasn't the director in the office here?

He just buzzed me from in
there, my little pumpy-wumpy.

We'll, I'll just sit down
and wait for him.

[farting]

[stomach grumbles]

[continues farting]

Great Scott!
Steele, see a doctor!

Good show, Steele.

I hid for two week's from my
ex-wife's attorney in this outfit.

Good to see you, WD-40.

You were always
my most noble warrior.

Glad to find you, sir.

Yes, yes, well, we have to find

someone else far more
important right now.

You saw the tape with Rancor?

I can't believe he's alive.

He's a madman.
He wants the world.

But I'll be perfectly
frank, Dick,

he wants you first.

He knew I'd send you the tape,
especially with Barbara Dahl on it.

Steele narrating:
Barbara Dahl...

looks just like Victoria
when she was alive.

We don't have time
for flashbacks.

Rancor wants the world.

Fortunately,
he wants to kill you first.

That may give us needed time.

Barbara Dahl's last transmission
was from Los Angeles.

We couldn't hold a trace
long enough to pinpoint her.

Find her, you find him,
you find the rocket.

For the rest of it,
your guess is as good as mine.

Miss Cheevus,
tell Noggin we're coming.

- Hello, Noggin.
- Steele.

It's good to see you again.

Oh, do you have a refill
of that death ray laser watch?

Ah, new air freshener?

Careful!

Woo-hoo! Hey!

Not again!

Aah!

Well, this looks like
a clever contraption.

A mini, uh--
a mini-mobile crime lab?

- It's a briefcase.
- I know.

What does it do?

It holds important papers,
files, pens, and a calculator.

I understand,
but these numbers here,

in a certain sequence,
the briefcase is timed to explode?

No, it's a lock so people other
than myself can't open my briefcase.

Very complex.
A contemporary technology.

All right, Steele,
this is your standard

state-of-the-art G-7 field
kit with three additions.

This is our latest development--

microchip z-ray lenses

capable of penetrating
a layer of clothing.

You'll be able to see if an
enemy is carrying a weapon.

Uh, director?

Oh, now, Steele,
should you find your hands bound,

what you can do
is just reach down

and pull this pin
with your teeth...

Put the tube in your mouth
and you squeeze

and it will emit a laser beam
powerful enough to cut steel.

Noggin: Fire in the
hole, director.

Thank you.

Oh, and one more thing,

this micro-detonator
has a built in timer

set to explode 30 seconds
after you plant it.

It has enough power to blow up a
two-story building, so be careful.

Fantastic.

All right, well,
here we go, and uh...

Oh, yes.

Thank you.

Good to see you again, Noggin.

Woman on PA:
Bienvenidos a Los Angeles.

Man on PA:
Welcome to Los Angeles.

Woman:
Ciudad de Los Angeles.

Man:
City of the angels.

Woman:
¿Donde está Maria?

Man:
Where is Maria?

Woman: Maria está
en la biblioteca.

Man:
Maria is in the library.

Do you have a lighter?

I use matches.

Does your mother know you smoke?

Yes, but I don't inhale.

Kabul.

Uh...

I'm Kabul.

Agent WD-40?

Phew! Get in!
In the car!

Kabul:
Hello! Excuse me!

Our operatives believe you may
already be in grave danger.

Please take a look
at this Mr. Steele.

In that file is Desiree More.

She's expert trained in karate,
kung-fu, and is a crack shot.

Be on your guard.

Rancor may have sent her
to take you out.

She likes easy listening and
guys who share their feelings.

Her measurements--
36, 24, 36, 22.

Ay, for God's sakes,
be careful, WD-40.

One time I had two cousins

that got salmonella
poisoning at this hotel.

Oh, dear!
Sassafras!

Steele narrating:
Sure looked like her.

But you can't be too sure.

Yeah, almost positive.

Mm-hmm.

Drink?

Only when I'm thirsty.

Tap water okay?

Poured, not decantered.

Sometimes you see a woman you'd
just love to have kill you.

But timing is everything so
that was not going to be today.

Says who?

She's pretty smart.
I decided to play it casual.

Casual's overrated.

Oops.

I think the game
is over, Mr. Steele.

You're going to look like Swiss
cheese when they find you.

Oh, that's no Gouda.

Wai-ooo!

Hoo!

Waiii-ya!

[thud]

- [shouting continues]
- [knock on door]

Oww!

"Coca Cabana".

I'll be back for you.

Where are you going?

In my country, we have a saying.

A man who rides a camel is rich,

but a man who drives
a Ferrari can get lucky!

- [honking horn]
- Aah!

Oh, gee, I am so sorry.

What's your phone number?

- Loser.
- Oh, thank you.

Like, look at what you've done.

End of the line, pal.

Uh...

[bullet ricochets]

Hey, goomba. Huh?

Well, well,
if it isn't Agent Steele.

Excuse me, do you have a light?

Yeah, sure.
I got a light.

Very good.

Well, remind me never
to light your cigarette.

You don't lose guys
like that for long.

Let's get the bus.
We'll be safe there.

Transfer?

Uh, no thank you.

Nice dress.

Next stop, Sunset Boulevard!

I guess it's Sunset Boulevard.

Pop quiz, hotshot.

Someone on the bus
is out of transfers,

he won't the fare!

What do you do?
What do you do?

Stop the bus and let him off?

Negatory, honcho,

because he cut the brake line!

Excuse-moi, monsieur.

Whoa!

Aah!

Oh!

Thank you, thank you.

Next stop, Melrose...
I think.

Well, you must be "fam-eeshed".

Let's "munch-ay".

That sounds good,
but I'm hungry.

Let's eat first.

Here you go.
Enjoy yourselves.

Brian will be right here
to take your drink order.

We've shared an airplane,
a drink,

we have been chased,
bussed through city,

but I still don't
really know you.

I'm Bud Fuddlacker.

I have a small
mail-order business.

I travel with
the American Gladiators.

I'm 55, I like small appliances,

and I do tax accounting
on the side.

Let me guess.

You are Dick Steele,

Agent WD-40 with
the Secret Service.

You're 52,
you like big screen TVs,

and you want to stop
General Rancor.

That could describe
a thousand guys.

Tell me about you.

Well, I like
loose-fitting clothes

and I drive a '69 Pinto.

Hi, I'm Brian.
May I take your drink orders please?

I'll have--

A dry Minolli and Russo
on the rocks,

stirred, not beaten,
with a twist,

in a chilled glass, not frozen

with two of those
girly little straws.

Be right back.

Tell me, who are you?

Why don't you use your
legendary skills and guess?

You carry a UB-21 Schnauzer with
a knob silencer-- that's KGB.

You prefer an H&K over the AK,

your surveillance
technique is NSA, ID is CIA.

You received
your Ph.D. at NYU,

traded in your GTO for a BMW.

You listen to CDs
by REM and STP.

And you'd like to see JFK in
his BVDs getting down with OPP.

And you probably
put the toilet paper

back on the roll
with the paper on the inside.

Here's to your remarkable powers
of observation, Mr. Steele.

I am Agent 3.14--
Veronique Ukrinsky.

My father is a professor.

Ah, yes. I know.
The megachip.

When he found out he was making the
chip for Rancor and not for the US,

he escaped with it
and he is in hiding.

In hiding. Where?

He would not take the chance
to tell me where he was headed,

but he said the pendant...

"Follow the path
of your pendant to find me."

Hmm. Haven't seen
too many like these.

"Pendant."

Pendant.

- Pendant.
- Pendant.

Pendant.

We don't have much time, WD-40.

Sooner or later,
Rancor will find him.

I'll order our food to go.

Oh, Dick, I am so worried
about my father.

What shall we do, eh?
What shall we do?

♪ It was a teenaged wedding ♪

♪ And the old folks
wished them well ♪

♪ You could see that the air did
truly love the mademoiselle ♪

♪ And now the young monsieur and
madame have rung the chapel bell ♪

♪ "C'est la vie"
say the old folks ♪

♪ It goes to show
you never can tell... ♪

♪ ...with a two room
Roebuck sale ♪

[bones cracking]

♪ The coolerator was crammed
with TV dinners... ♪

Excuse me,
do you have reser-- Oh!

[bones cracking]

Steele's here somewhere.
Rancor wants him dead.

Find him.

[bones cracking]

[song continues]

Dance time is over.

Woman: Cigarettes, cigars,
- There he goes.

- throwing knives...
- Kill him!

Woman: Cigarettes,
cigars, throwing knives.

Thanks.

[groans]

- Whoops.
- Why?

Quick, get this
up against the door.

I got an idea.

This is a picture of my father.

If we get separated,
find him. Save him.

[thudding]

Why?

Go. Go, go! Go!

- Shut up.
- I came here to dance!

Veronique:
Dick, help me! Help!

- I'll kill you.
- Get in!

No, let me go!

- Man: Okay, let's go!
- Veronique: Dick! Help me!

Veronique: Follow the path
of your pendant to find me.

Kabul:
What is that?

It's a pendant. "Follow the
path of the pendant to find me."

Have you ever seen
anything like that?

- Ahh.
- What? What?

No.

Any idea where it came from?

Museum of Natural History.

How do you know that?

It says it really small
right there at the bottom.

All right, take me to the
Museum of Natural History.

You know, in my country,
we do have a saying--

I'm sure you do.

The saying goes,
"The museum is closed at 5:00.

You got the next morning
at 9:00."

Excuse me, Mr. Pushy.

Son of a bitch.

[mumbling]

I'm getting sick
and tired of your--

No, he'd never fit in there.

Yep! God!

I'm sick and tired
of these games.

Coleman:
This is stupid.

We're a government
agency for God's sakes.

Huh?

Ha!

Eh, what--

Good God!
You're sicker than I thought.

What is it, Coleman?
I'm busy.

I can see that.

You wouldn't understand.

It's the ancient art
of ornagatzi.

What I don't understand
is your insistence

in keeping Steele
on this assignment!

He still is no closer to Rancor

and we have who knows
how little time left

before Rancor
launches this satellite.

You'd better let me take
over this search before I--

Director:
Before you what, Coleman?

I don't know who's monkey
you spanked to get this job,

but as far as I'm concerned,
you're a disgrace to the service.

How dare you?

You and your one for all and all
for one bleeding heart nonsense,

you're too old
to run this agency!

And since you won't step down,
you'll be stepped on.

Ha! Loser!

What you got?

Is there a jewelry district
in Los Angeles?

Oh, come on, this is Hollywood.

We have jewelry, we have women
who are willing to sleep for--

More importantly,
is their a Russian jewelry section?

Da.

- Where?
- I don't know.

But there used to be
a bunch of Russian jewelers

who hung out
at the warehouse at, uh,

at 31st and Phlegm.

Ah, damn it.

Meet me back at the hotel.
We'll split up.

- Accident.
- Thank you.

Oh, excuse me!

Get off!

[man yells in Spanish]

Hi-yah!

[crunch]

[grunting]

Aah!

Watch it!
Watch it!

Hi-ho! Aah!

Cheerio.

[horse neighs]

[horse urinating]

[urination continues]

Both: Hmm.

[urination stops]

You're mine, Steele!

Whoa!

Wh-wh-whoa!

Horse: Whoa!

Aah!

Man:
Okay, bring it up!

Bring it up!
Up, up, up!

Okay, that's where
the sign goes!

Kabul:
Ah, 31st and Phlegm.

I'm on the waiting list
for a co-op.

You better get out of here.

I'll see you back
in a half an hour.

Oh, a half hour?
I can drop off my dog at the groomer.

- [horn honks]
- [car crashes]

What?

Mr. Steele, I presume?

Professor...

Ukrinsky, with a "Y".

Ah. Right.

The pendant.

And I suppose
this is what you need.

And this is?

This is the controller chip
for Rancor's satellite.

Ah, Rancor finally
made his megachip.

Who would have thought
the fate of so many human lives

would lie in something so small?

Well, there's only
one thing to do with this.

Oh, no!

[thud]

What are you doing?

Trying to make the world
safe from tyranny.

You mustn't do that!

This can also be used
for world peace!

Oh, I'm sorry.

You'd better let me get
that into the proper hands

and get you to safety.

You found me through my
daughter, the pendant.

- Right.
- And Veronique is safe?

Yeah, the van they took her in
has dual airbags and seatbelts.

Kabul.

Nice new wheels, huh?

Yeah, quite an improvement.
In the back, professor.

We have to find a safe
place for the professor.

In my country, we have a saying,

"The rabbit hops,
the spider crawls,

"but the camel spits."

Let's see if this
Charger can run.

Now, I don't want you
to be surprised.

This guy is one
of our top agents.

He's most capable.

Aah!

McCluckey!

Kabul!

Hey, hey!

- Come on in.
- All right. Come on.

McCluckey,
we need to hide the professor.

Professor Ukrinsky,
it's an honor.

- How do you do?
- I've read all your work,

and your last paper
on laboratory loneliness?

Superb!

Well, thank you.

McCluckey,
I'd like you to meet Agent--

Dick Steele, Agent WD-40.

Good to see you back in action.

Your video on deception--

"Is It A Woman?
Is The Mustache Real?"

Beautiful work.

Thank you.

McCluckey,
we need to hide this guy.

Sure, sure.
Come this way.

He'll be safe here.

You have a telephone?

Right over there.

Is it clean?

I have a woman
that comes in once a week.

- [buzzer]
- Miss Cheevus: Sir?

What?

I have Dick "Luscious Lips"
Steele on the line.

Put him through.

Steele:
Director, is it safe?

Director:
Safe? Just a minute.

I'll use the cloaking device.

Go ahead, Dick.
It's safe.

I have the chip Rancor needs
to launch his satellite.

Director:
Good, Dick. Good.

Are you coming in?

No, Rancor kidnapped
the professor's daughter.

I've got to find her.

Director:
Yes, well, good, Dick.

Good luck.

Call me if I can help.

Countdown voice:
19 hours and 35 minutes...

That Steele's going to be sorry
his mama ever met his papa.

We going to heat up
the fire! Boys!

They always seem to know
every move we make.

It's inside. It's got to
be somebody inside leaking.

Well, I'm not leaking.
I can prove it.

- You go ahead. Ask me something.
- What?

Ask me something.
Ask me who's the director of our agency?

Who's the director
of our agency?

I don't know.

You see, I know
who it is, you see,

but I'm not going to
tell you, you see?

Because I am no leak!

This place has got to be
a front for Rancor and his men.

There's one of them now.
Follow him.

[engine revs]

Do you have to keep
revving the engine?

But it's an American V-8.
Such a beautiful sound!

[engine revs]

Steele, listen to this.
My cousin's a recording star.

[Middle-Eastern music
plays on stereo]

- Duck
- Ow!

- Ooh!
- Oh.

[music continues]

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

Kabul:
Did he see us?

Okay.

[music shuts off]

- I'm going in there.
- Okay.

- Give me cover.
- Got to buy my lottery ticket.

- Rancor's guy is here.
- Right.

♪ ...a wretch like me ♪

♪ I once was lost,
but now am found ♪

♪ Was blind-- ♪

What are you doing here?

I am the new choir master.

Where did you come from?

The humble room.
I was doing refrectories.

Refrectories?

New "pope-al" relevant,
John chapter 7, verse 2.

Pope-al?

Sisters, Michael
chapter 7, verse 2:

"Sing as ye play,

"yay, unto thee a voice
like a blimp.

"And as you approach
the ala tropo,

"please très mucho
picante abierto."

[humming]

♪ You know you make me want to ♪

- ♪ Shout ♪
- ♪ Take my heels up and ♪

- ♪ Shout ♪
- ♪ Throw my hands up and ♪

- ♪ Shout ♪
- ♪ Throw my head back ♪

- ♪ Shout ♪
- ♪ Come on now ♪

♪ Don't forget to say you will ♪

♪ Don't forget to say... ♪

- Are you gentlemen with Rancor?
- [thud]

Steele's here somewhere.

Well, find him!

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ Say you will ♪

♪ Say that you will ♪

♪ Say that you love me ♪

- ♪ Say ♪
- ♪ Say that you need me ♪

♪ Say that you want me ♪

♪ You want to please me ♪

- ♪ Say ♪
- ♪ Come on now ♪

- ♪ Say ♪
- ♪ Come on now ♪

- ♪ Say ♪
- ♪ Come on now ♪

♪ I still remember ♪

♪ When I used to be
nine years old ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ And I was
a fool for you... ♪

All right, random inspection,
directive 21, Psalm 2.

♪ I want you to know ♪

♪ I want to know ♪

♪ I said I want you
to know right now ♪

Steele:
Eew.

♪ You've been good
to me sisters ♪

♪ Much better than
I have been to myself ♪

♪ So good, so good ♪

♪ And if you ever leave me ♪

♪ I don't want nobody else ♪

♪ Hey, hey, I said
I want you to know ♪

♪ I want to know ♪

♪ I said I want you
to know right now... ♪

Veronique?

Dick.

Are you all right?

Get out of here.
This is front for Rancor.

Yes, I know.

I'll get out of here all right.

But you're coming with me.

Steele: Stat! Code yellow!
Code yellow!

- Get me 3 CCs of ephenepinex.
- Right away.

Get me 2 liters of gasahol
mixed with einephercine.

On my way.

- Get me an electro-statisfier now!
- I'll warm up the generator.

She's about to go into
fibral-candidation.

Prepare the operating room.

Woman: Yes, sister,
I'll get right on it.

♪ Come on, come on ♪

For God's sake, can anyone
in this hospital help me?

♪ Say it right now, baby ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

Bah!

♪ Say that you will ♪

♪ Now wait a minute ♪

[nun groans]
Nuh-unh. No!

♪ You know you make me
want to shout ♪

High blood pressure.

Here, you'll be safe here.

I'll be right back.

Oh, Dick! Oh, no!

[coughs]

Oh, Dick, so cold.

What have they done to you?

They'll pay for this.

Oh, Dick it was very...

[Veronica stutters]

Move 'em, fathead!

Sisters, make 'em holy!

Oh, Dick, you came for me.

Tell me, what's been happening?

Well, I've been doing
a lot of soul searching,

getting in touch
with my inner child.

I have decided I love you.

But what about my father?

Well, I like him,
I just have to get to know him better.

No, is he okay?
Have you got his chip?

Oh, no, he's fine,
and I got the chip.

- Oh, I love you, too.
- [car horns honk]

Look out, you crazy nun!

Thanks Gods I stopped you.
You could have been killed.

Quick, let me help.

You smell nice.

Veronique:
Where is my father?

Is he safe?

He's safe, Veronique.
Safe as you and me.

Kabul:
So cute. Oh!

Safer.

Kabul: You know, in my country,
when an irate, armless,

psychotic weirdo chase your
woman, you must hide her.

Upstairs, apartment 5B.

I'll wait downstairs.
I'll keep my eyes open.

I just put in new carpet.
Take your shoes off.

Oh, Dick, it's so nice to know

that everything
is going to be all right.

You have the chip,
my father's safe.

You love me, Dick.

Love? Let me tell you about
love, Veronique.

Love is a dewdrop
on a rose petal.

Love is drop of rain,
pure and shimmering and trembling,

so moist, so wet.

And those tiny little drops
of love come together,

gathering up broken
buds and fallen flowers

and dirt and dung
and deer droppings,

flowing faster and faster
outward to the sea,

onward and onward--

Good night.

We'll talk more in the morning.

[chuckles]

Hey, hotshots, come and get me!

Why you little, no good
juvenile delinquent!

- Go on.
- Come on!

Cool.

Man:
Heads up!

- Oh, nice shot!
- Come on!

I'm going. I'm going.

We got you now.

Where's the professor?

With Gilligan, dickweed!

Aah!

[groans]

No!

This is for
"Getting Even With Dad".

And this is for "My Girl".

And this is for "My Girl 2".

I wasn't even in "My Girl 2"!

Both:
We don't care!

Last time we're going to
ask you, smart boy,

where's the professor?

Okay, okay,
down the hall to the right.

Okay, the left!

Professor:
Help! Somebody help me!

They're taking us
to Kikiree Island!

[engines rev and tires squeal]

They've taken him to Rancor.

They won't kill him.

Not until
he's installed the chip.

Probably not even then--

maybe just torture him a little.

We'll talk about this
on the way.

Let's get to Kikiree.

You like this disguise?

It's very good.

I'm proud of this one.

Like this,
I can look like anybody.

Rancor Industries
owns this little island.

The natives say there are
stranger goings-on here

than at Neverland Valley Ranch.

- Look.
- Uh-huh. It's nice.

Kabul, stay in the boat.

Why?

There's a saying in my country.

When you hear the words
"Stay in the boat",

you stay in the boat.

Bye-bye.

[loud roar]

Dick, this is crazy!

Crazy?

Some people think walking down the
street muttering to yourself is crazy.

I'll tell you what crazy is.

Crazy is walking down the street

with half a cantaloupe on your
head saying "I'm a hamster."

"I'm a hamster."
That's crazy.

Ooh!

My life's work is now complete.

Your cooperation
is commendable, professor.

Thank you.

Throw him in the cell.

But you said
it was for the world peace!

Rancor:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hello, General?
It's Skippy.

They're on the island.

Ha ha, yeah.

Well, well, well,
what perfect timing.

It seems we're going to
have more guests.

Steele's not dead.
He's on his way here.

Throw her in with the others!

No, please!

I thought you loved me!

Nah, I was just using you.

Countdown Voice: 7 hours,
59 minutes, and 41 seconds.

7 hours, 59 minutes,
and 38 seconds.

7 hours, 59 minutes,
and thirty...

Whoa!

Dick, look out!

Got you now, Steele.

Hey, where are you going?

[both grunting]

Man:
Take that.

Hey, come back here!

Nowhere to go, Steele.

How fast can you run, my friend?

[roars]

All right, men, tie him up.

Okay, go ahead, kill me.

I got a bomb.

You touch me and you'll
blow up yourself.

You don't really think
I'm going to fall

for that old tied
to the bomb trick, do you?

Well, how about the old
snake trick?

Aah!

[roars]

[man screams]

[loud growling]

What is it?

[swallowing, loud burp]

Ehh!
Let's go!

Countdown Voice: 2 hours, 59
minutes, and 26 seconds to launch.

2 hours, 59 minutes,
and 21 seconds to launch.

2 hours, 59 minutes,
and 19 seconds to launch.

Steele: We've got to find a
way into Rancor's complex.

- Are you ready?
- Ready.

Here, help me with this.

How patriotic, Dick.

- And deadly.
- Oh, Dick.

[grunting]

Man: Bearing 177.5.
On my Mark.

Hi, Mark! Get set.

- Father!
- My child!

Well, well, Dick Steele.

I'd shake your hand,
but I don't remember where it landed.

Clever. Clever? Clever!

Take their weapons.

Mm-hmm.

Throw her in with the others.
Bind him.

[mumbled conversations]

- Dick Steele?
- Oh, Miss Dahl.

Barbara Dahl!

Get your paws off me,
you damn dirty ape!

[beeps twice]

No! No!

You remember Barbara Dahl--
Victoria's daughter?

I'd like to see you
watch her go up

like you watched
her mother go down.

But I'd rather let you just be
a dessert for my little pet.

[roars]

What's left of you
will have to watch helplessly

while I play Mortal Kombat
with the entire world.

Ha ha ha!

[men laugh]

[Rancor continues laughing]

Oh!

[men shouting]

It's going to blow!
Hurry up!

[beeps twice]

[beeps twice]

Barbara Dahl:
Come on.

Veronique:
Come on, let's go.

Dr. Joyce Brothers:
You are very immature.

Bullies tend to have
very bad self-esteem.

- Hi-yah!
- Aah!

- [gears clicking]
- Ah-ha!

Oh, ho!

Leave me alone!
I'm an unarmed man!

- Aah!
- [squeaking]

[squeaks]

Oh, Miss Cheevus.

Dick, I'm sorry.

[countdown continues over PA]

Huh?

You were under the influence
of an evil man.

It was still
a lousy thing to do.

Uh-oh.

General, it's broken.

Well, you'll like space.

Lots of elbow room
and, uh... Oh, whoops.

Sorry.

Countdown voice: 1 minute and 11 seconds.
1 minute and 10 seconds...

[alarm blares]

Yeah? You lose, Steele.

That countdown is irreversible.

Really?

Steele:
Well...

We need to go.

...let's just see how
irreversible that really is.

It's irreversible,

and there's nothing you patriotic
pansies can do about it.

Let me tell you what
being patriotic really is,

you scumbag poop.

This a great country
where a man can sue

anyone he wants
anytime he wants.

It's a great country
because thousands of people

die every year from handguns,
and yet at this very moment...

Steele over PA: ...you can still walk
into a convenience store anywhere

and buy one of those guns.

That's democracy in action...

It's finally time somebody does what
that fool Steele should have done,

and it's going to be me.

Let's go!

...anyone who's male,
white, and filthy rich

has the right to run for
the office of the President.

This is a great country
because any moron--

All right, everyone,
drop your guns!

I'm, uh, taking over.

Steele, get down from there.

Countdown voice:
28, 27, 26...

Dick, come on.
We have to go!

Now!

Oh!

Come on, come on!

I wasn't finished.

- Well, quick.
- Hurry up. Just move it.

- Come on, get out.
- I'm coming.

Coleman: Steele, always
doing this to me!

Countdown voice:
12...

Rancor on PA:
You'll see!

I'm not through.
I'll be back.

Maybe just tissue or a brain.

Open the doors!
I'm stuck in here!

I'm going up, but you and your
whole world are going down!

I'll be back.

Maybe without legs
or some other minor organ.

Kabul: Wait,
I don't want to miss the fireworks!

Aah!

Coleman:
It's getting hotter.

I'm telling you,
it is getting very hot in here!

How about a hand
for General Rancor?

You're not through with me!

Aww. Well...

Man: Uh, Houston,
we have a problem.

[laughing]

♪ A man of intrigue,
he lives for the thrill ♪

♪ Always has places to go
and people to kill ♪

♪ Danger is the game he plays ♪

♪ And he holds every card ♪

♪ 'Cause if you want to win,
you got to spy hard ♪

♪ A man of the world,
so suave and discreet ♪

♪ He trips over the women
piled up at his feet ♪

♪ But evil's lurking,
so he's always on his guard ♪

♪ 'Cause if
you're going to spy ♪

♪ You better spy hard ♪

♪ He's always there ♪

♪ When the chips
are beginning to fall ♪

♪ He wouldn't care ♪

♪ If they kicked him
and grabbed him ♪

♪ And shot him and stabbed him ♪

♪ And nailed both his ears
to the wall ♪

♪ Facing death every day
is a tough job for any man ♪

♪ But his hours and flexible ♪

♪ And he's got a great
dental plan ♪

♪ By the way,
if you walked in late ♪

♪ Allow me to reiterate ♪

♪ The name of this movie
was "Spy Hard" ♪

♪ They called it "Spy Hard" ♪

♪ You just saw "Spy Hard" ♪

♪ It's the end of "Spy Hard" ♪

[singer continues
holding last note]

[song ends]