Spring Breakdown (2009) - full transcript

- You suck.
- My God.

Get those tards off the stage right now.

-Let's bail.
-Don't we wanna see if we win?

Come on.

I can't wait to graduate
and get the hell out of this place.

I thought we had
some intricate harmonies.

Should've done
"Mama Said Knock You Out."

I'll tell you one thing, when we graduate
from college, we're gonna soar like eagles.

Yeah, we just haven't peaked yet.

We're the ones who are going to get
the cool jobs, the sexy husbands...

...the sky-high self-esteem.



Right. Today's geeks turn out
to be tomorrow's winners.

So screw college because, ladies,
real life starts now.

Yeah, and we are gonna have it all.

Look out, world, here we come.

Dang it.

Your blouse.

- l have a moist towelette.
- No worries.

I'll just hit T.J. Maxx on the way to work.

The max for the minimum, smart.

I have to go.
I'm graduating students today.

Great.

Well, hang in there.

Like a cat on a branch.

-See you later.
-Bye.



Have a great day.

Graduation day
is always very emotional for me.

The bond that we share with
our canine friends is a special one.

Dogs don't care
how much money you make...

...what kind of car you drive,
or whose name's on the back of your jeans.

They don't care if you cry a lot
at commercials...

...or have a mustache
that you haven't waxed.

Dogs don't care if you shame-eat
when you're lonely.

And l never, ever feel judged by dogs.

Because dogs love your insides.

And that's why l love dogs.

Come on.

- Gayle, l really don't--
-Over here.

Gayle, l just wanted to thank you
for everything.

Pepper's already changing my life.

She's a good dog.

Well, ever since l met Pepper and you,
I've felt much more confident.

Life is just that much easier.

Running errands, taking the train.

I even think that
I might be ready to start dating.

Something l never would've dreamed of
before l met you and Pepper.

-Really?
-Yeah.

You know, I wouldn't usually
ask this of a client, but what the hell.

I have two tickets to
the Amy Grant concert on Friday.

Would you like to go with me?

Well, you see, the thing is,
I only love Amy Grant.

Wow.

May I?

I'm sorry. You know what?
I've got plans.

Come on, Pepper.

Senator Hartmann's office.

Senator Hartmann's office.

Ma'am?

One shot from this baby
can blow a man's spine out his back.

I thought that you could use
a whole bottle.

Something else?

Have you had a chance to read
my notes on fuel efficiency?

I really think my ideas
offer a bold bipartisan--

-Betty.
-Becky.

Honey, why would a sweet gal like you
wanna get involved...

...in stinky old policy debates?

Well, as much as I love my job
as office manager...

...what l really want
is to make a difference.

Did you know that
this country is addicted to oil?

Listen, Betty.

You're a really good office manager.

But if you wanna be a woman in politics,
you're gonna have to get some nuts.

Let me ask you a question.

Are you tough enough
to take a loaded shotgun...

...aim it at some cracker
and tell them to "eat me"?

Why don't you just leave the politics
to the gals with the loaded guns?

-Yes, ma'am.
-Okay.

Thank you.

The wedding's in three months...

...and we just wanna iron out some kinks
before the big day.

But don't get me wrong,
William and l are fine. Best friends, really.

I think the most important thing
in a relationship is honesty.

Well, we have a motto, doc, don't we?

-No secrets.
-No secrets.

Honey, l'm home.

I brought dinner.

Honey?

Honey. lt should've been me.

Honey.

Friend.

Soul mate.

Always loyal.

Often hilarious.

We dedicate this
"make your own pizza" party to you.

The first in 12 years you didn't attend.

This is really hard.

Rest in peace, girlfriend.

See you on the other side.

Now let's make some pizza.

Mini pepperonis?

No cheese for me. I'm off dairy.

You don't have to go off anything.
You look great.

Yeah. l'm not attractive enough
for a blind man.

We need to discuss if we're still
going on our road trip next week.

Maybe it's too soon.

She would want life to go on.

You're right.

Honey loved hearing about our trips.

I remember sitting on that sofa
and telling her about every adventure.

The way she laughed.

Energy becomes energy.

I think we should go on the trip.

Yay.

Because, you guys,
I have a real treat planned for us.

We are going to Tempe, Arizona
to the Wimmin's Music Festival.

Please tell me Tracy Chapman
is performing.

She and her "Fast Car" will be there.

My goddess.

Gayle, what's wrong?

-You love women-centered folk music.
-l do.

I know. I just-- l wish we could go
somewhere more fun, you know.

So, like, we could be more fun.

We're fun.

Tell me that our yearly Americana road trip
isn't fun.

-Yeah, or at-home karaoke Fridays.
-Yeah.

Or the Movie Numbers Game.

Hon, you love the Movie Numbers Game.

- l do love that game.
- You go first.

-Name a movie, one to 1 0, go.
-One Crazy Summer.

-Two of a Kind.
-Three to Tango.

-Four Weddings and a Funeral.
-Five Easy Pieces.

-Six Days and Seven Nights.
-Ooh. A double.

-8 Mile.
-The erotic Nine and a Half Weeks.

And 10. We did it.

-See? We're pretty fun.
-Yeah, we are.

Again, Vice President Lawrence Kenner
has resigned.

The disgraced politician remains
in an undisclosed location...

...a day after he was caught in
a motel room with two underage girls.

-He said he loved me.
-You liar!

The presi--

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
I love me's a scandal.

Well, the president
will be making his selection...

...at the end of the week.

And guess who's at the top of his list.

That's right, Mama.

Mama's at the top of that list.

They're gonna want someone
squeaky clean.

They'll comb through
every part of your life.

I'm spotless. l already deported
the maid, and my husband's impotent.

What about your daughter, Ashley?

But we were Lancelot and Guinevere
of the medieval feast last year.

Not now, Trevor.

Ashley, we want different things.

Since I got my braces off
and that mole removed...

...l realized it's time for me to move on.

- None of the medieval freaks even work out.
- Hey, Doug.

Stop talking to that fugly face
and get over here.

- Support our spring break.
- Buy a cookie.

All proceeds will support binge drinking,
promiscuity and public nudity.

South Padre.

It's senior spring, Ash.

They're trying to be your friend
because your dad owns Six Flags.

Maybe so, but they're fun.

-And I wanna be with a girl who parties.
-l can be that girl.

I can.
I could be a right, fine saucy wench.

-l can be saucy.
-Ashley.

You'll never be that girl.

Hey, Mason, wait up.

-What's so great about them?
-Forget Doug, Ashley.

Let him and those frat gorillas
go on their stupid spring break.

I hate his fake face.

One second.

-Hey, Mama.
-Hey, baby.

What's up with my little rock star?

I think someone's
got a spring break coming up.

Yeah, it's next week.

No.

Where's your crazy sorority
off to this year?

South Padre.

Where the Padre never stops.

Baby, you are my pride and joy.

Now, you be good
and make safe choices.

-Okay, bye.
-Bye-bye, baby.

What? Don't want her
to be disappointed.

She has this image about me.

You know,
you've really gotta stop lying to her.

You know what, miladies?
You're right, the lying stops here.

I am going to South Padre.

I'm gonna prove to Douglas
that inside this fair maiden...

...lies the heart of a wanton trollop.

He's gonna want me back.

My baby girl is just like
her mother was back in the day.

She's the most popular girl
in her sorority...

...smart as a whip
and always up for a good time.

If the press catches her acting out,
you're sunk.

-lt'll be Bush twins, the sequel.
-lt's just spring break, y'all.

Somebody impregnate me!

I guess we better send someone down...

...to South Padre Island
to keep an eye on that girl.

And l need someone who's responsible,
but young enough to pass.

Betty.

-You're going to spring break, girl.
-l am?

You're gonna stay
on my daughter, Ashley, 24/7.

You'll keep her under the radar
for the five days she's there.

Now, don't you tell her l sent you
because we mostly trust each other.

I am so on it.

All right, girl, it's time for you to show me
those huge hairy nuts you got...

...hidden down there.

Pappy, Pappy.

Hello? Sweetheart.

The invites came in.
They look really good.

-You've gotta see. They look--
-Ooh!

Will-- William? Juan Carlos?

I'm sorry.

-l thought you were teaching a class.
-Yeah, class canceled.

William, are you sure
that we have no secrets?

-Okay, the truth?
-Yeah.

I'm not liking your "implicaish," okay?
You don't trust me?

-Then l'm really "sorr," but wedding off.
-You're breaking up with me?

Leave me alone!
You're giving me a nervy break-D.

What--?

I mean, do you really think he's gay?

I mean, it's not like every straight guy
is into football, right?

I mean--

I don't know, maybe it's me.

Maybe if l only had--

A penis?

I just wanna be married.

Judi, forget about him, okay?

We're going on vacation.

I can't go with you guys.

-What?
-What?

Today the senator handpicked me
for an important mission.

She's sending me on a spring break
to watch over her daughter, a wild child...

...and to possibly transform her
into being a better human being.

-Did you just say "spring break"?
-l know, it's crazy, right?

Wow, you get to do college
all over again?

-You're really lucky.
-lt's a real opportunity.

Do you guys remember college?

No more blood for oil.
We must stop this unjust war.

No more blood for oil.
We must--

Hey. Hold on one second.

No, no, no. No.

Bigtime congrats to the following
new Kappa Mu Delta sisters.

So when you hear your name,
come on up and join us.

Marcy. Ayala.

Jo Lynn.

Laurie.

And Claire.

Everyone else, thank you.

Ew.

College was rough.

It was a learning experience.

I wanna go with you, Becky.

-Where?
-To spring break.

You do?

Let's go.
We never went to spring break in college.

I'll trade in my first-class tickets
for three coaches.

-And I have a suite at the Four Seasons.
-Yeah.

-l've never stayed at a Four Seasons.
-This is the kind of vacation we need.

-We do need to shake things up a little bit.
-Wait.

What would Honey want us to do?

Hey, Becky.

You really need to bury that cat.

Get it together.

That's what l'm talking about!

Let's have sex.

This is terrific.

It's repulsive.

"The 4 Seasones"?

We're gonna get date-raped in there.

-You think?
-Judi.

Yeah.

Yoo-hoo, ladies, over here.

Howdy, girls. Yoo-hoo.

Hold up one sec. Mama needs her meds.

You know how it is.

Welcome to The 4 Seasones.

My name is Charlene.

This here is my 1 8th spring break.

Y'all, my hot ass
ain't even half done with the party. Whoo!

Okay.

Checking in.

Becky St. Germaine.

That's right.
I got y'all in a suite on the third floor.

Bathroom's in the hall.

-Wait. One bathroom for the entire floor?
-l'm out of here.

And listen, if l ever catch any of y'all
doing the nasty, y'all know this.

I may just join in. What?

Shit. All right, all right. Y'all get.

Y'all get and party.

Get the party started, girls. Whoo!

This place is dog balls.

- It has a lot of character.
- l kind of smell pee.

This is a suite?

Let me just grab this towel to wipe--

Ew.

Judi, the bedspread is
the filthiest part of the entire room.

That's right, that's right.
I heard that on 20/20.

No.

Okay. Becky, what's your plan?

Okay, yeah.

This is Ashley.

We find her, we bond.

We insinuate ourselves into her clique
and then we all become best friends.

-Great.
-That's-- That's your plan?

Yes, it is.

According to my lnternet research...

...this club, Chuggers,
is the Studio 54 of South Padre.

- We're never gonna get in there.
- Yoo-hoo.

- Hi, hi, hi.
- Charlene.

-Hey, Charlene. Can you get us in?
-Hey. Hey, hey.

Y'all, l didn't bone that bouncer 46 times
for nothing.

Let's get Coyote Ugly, y'all.

- Yeah.
- Hey, hey!

Hey. I don't like being picked up.

Put me down. Right here. Becky.

Judi! Gayle!

I need to find my friends.

Tequila. Doubles.

What white wines
do you have by the glass?

Hey, Miss Fancy Pants,
this ain't the Red Lobster.

Whoo. Here we go.

Hey, I don't touch the hard.

Just drink the damn thing.

How do you drink this?

Honey, l'd drink gasoline
if you put a lime in it.

-Another round.
-Have you seen this--?

- No means no.
- Come on, baby.

- Come on.
- No touching.

- Just looking.
- Come on.

Down, boys. No, drop it.

Up, up.

Here we go. Up, up, up.

Look, look. You want a glowstick?

Go get it. Go get it.

That was incredible.

Men are just dogs with thumbs.

Sit down.

What's your name?

-Gayle.
-l'm Mason and we're the Sevens.

Seven hot chicks in seven pairs
of Seven cutoffjeans.

Ain't nobody fiercer than us.

-My mama thinks I should be a model.
-Yeah.

I look good in real life,
but in pictures l look even better.

- Flawless.
- Don't you love my hair?

Super fierce.

I'm so sorry, Gayle. l love you.

I love you.

- Gayle!
- L got a lot of dreams.

I'm gonna get this ass on Road Rules,
climb Mt. Everett...

...and start a charity
to give spray tans to the homeless.

-You wanna dance?
-No.

Yes. Yes, l do.

You know what safe sex is?

Dating men who are gay.

But l'm ready to make up for lost time.

You are so sexy.

I know.

Hey, can l join you guys?

I'm game.

One-night stands, threesomes, fourgies.

Hey, it's all good.

Get over here, you dirty little slut.

Sorry. Sorry.

Don't move. Don't move.

- Ashley.
- Hey, Ashley.

-Ashley, come here.
-What? Come here.

- Ashley, don't move.
- You have to stay.

Guys, come down here.

I had this girl all wrong.

There's nothing ordinary about her.

And if she'll say yes...

...l would love for her
to be my new chief of staff.

What do you say?

Hybrid cars for everyone.

Excuse me. Ashley, we have totally
gotta get out of here.

-Truvy is having an asthma attack.
-There he is.

Ashley.

Find Judi. We gotta get out of here.

-Hi, Becky.
-No, we gotta get out of here.

Surprise.

Ashley.

-What are you doing here?
-Getting jiggy.

I'm about to puke
and, like, not on purpose.

Why don't you just leave me alone?

Because I ain't nice.

That girl has been torturing me
since freshman year.

-The worst roommate matchup ever.
-l have a moist towelette.

-Thank you.
-Are you okay?

Her ex-boyfriend has lost his mind.

You know what? lf Doug wants trash,
I'm gonna give him trash.

What does that mean exactly?

It means tomorrow we're going
to the beach to act like total idiots.

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm Becky St. Germaine.

I'm a college student.

A grad student, and you?

- Lydia, Truvy and Ashley.
- Whoo! Whoo!

I'm gonna be a slut.

-A slut. l'm gonna be a slut.
-Becky.

You guys horny too?
Who's horny? You?

I hate it here, Ashley.

That's Ashley.

Take me home, l need to barf.

-l need to barf.
-Okay.

- Whose shoe is this?
- It's your shoe, Judi.

- That's bullshit.
- All right.

Who wants to do me?

Hey, you guys.

The special today is huevos rancheros.

Yum.

- Just coffee for me. Thank you.
- Yeah, me too.

Judi, are you okay?

Well, it's just huevos rancheros
always reminds me of William.

Because he went down
on that Hispanic guy?

No, because it was our Sunday tradition.

All right.
Judi, you're here to forget about him.

Maybe you should eat something.

No, thanks. The thought of food
makes me wanna seriously chunder.

- Chunder?
- Yeah, it means to vomit.

This place is opening up
a whole new world for me.

You know what l learned?

That the roll of fat that hangs
over the jean is called a muffin top.

Our trips are not only fun
but educational.

Are we excited about
going to the beach today?

That sounds perfect. l just wanna relax.

I just wanna stretch out
with a good book, you know?

Go, go, go.

Whoo! Keg stands, y'all.

Judi, let me flip and tap you.

- l don't understand.
- Get over here.

All's you gotta do is drink,
but don't let it get up your nose...

...because that hurts.

-Let her rip.
-Gayle.

It's our protector.

- Why are you dressed like that?
- Is it too revealing?

-You look like my nana.
-Thank you.

Come with us.

Chug, chug, chug.

I'm gonna go look for Ashley.

I did it! Let's go again!

That's better.

Girl, welcome.

Your abs ain't that bad, by the way.

My God, thank you.

Why do you litter?

This place is so weird.

Whoo! l wanna see some balls.

What?

- A talent show.
- Do you guys have any talents?

-l can put my tongue in my nose.
-l have no gag reflex.

We are so gonna win this.

Everyone knows
you can't spell talent without T and A.

Okay, listen up.

The winner gets 1 50 drink tickets...

...a group day of beauty at Texas Tan
and 1 2 bottle-opener keychains.

My God.

That's the prize?

Gayle, you be the coach.

No, no, no. l just coach dogs.

And we're the Bad News Beyotches.

Check up on this.

Here's what l want. Give me two lines.

You-- Okay, Mason in front.
Now, heads up.

Tails back, boobs out, stomachs in.

And give me four booty roundabouts
in unison...

...with extra butt-cheek vibration.

Go.

Whoo! l love it.

I love it a lot. Again.

Yeah!

-You.
-Can l keep my T-shirt on?

-Whatever.
-Okay.

God!

-Two against one, that's not fair.
-You're right.

Yeah.

I'm allergic to tomatoes.

That girl's gone bonkers.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Let me through.

Kill, kill, kill.

This is really degrading to women.

Really.

Why would anyone
wanna wrestle in salsa?

We're human beings, we're not tacos.

Listen, l understand what you're feeling.

I too have recently suffered a loss.

-Your boyfriend dump you too?
-No, my cat died.

And l know that the language
of letting go is not in that salsa.

Right.

- Body shots?
- No.

I'm talking about releasing
the spirit of fun...

...without the display of public nudity.

I'm talking about enjoying ourselves
in a real and meaningful way.

I'm talking about
girls really going bonkers.

I don't get it.

Look at us all laughing.

See? We don't have to be like everyone else
to have fun.

Everyone else?

Burnouts, wastoids and sluts.

I freaking love you.

No, I freaking love you.

Hey, you guys,
let's tell each other our secrets.

Yeah.

I can't read.

I have sex with my uncle
every Thanksgiving.

You're gonna have to deal with that later.
You're gonna have to deal with that later.

Good night, ladies.

My God.

Total walk of shame.

Yeah, you're damn right
it's a walk of shame.

Because I just got me some, beyotch.

- Where have you been?
- Mason and l passed out on the beach.

Ladies.

Where have you been?

I had sex...

...with a straight guy.
Yeah, you heard.

One, two, three, snap.

Have you two gone cuckoo-bananas?

Becky, please.
Your voice is like daggers in my skull.

I was worried sick about the both--

You had sex?

Got freaky all night.

Tell us everything.

Okay, well, l don't remember much,
but I know it was amazing.

We had a really special connection.

You guys...

...l've never felt this way before.

What's his name?

I don't know.

I can't believe you had sex.

Was it meaningful?

You guys, he's really special.

L can't wait for you to meet him.

This place is incredible.

-l'm gonna throw up again.
-Awesome.

And time.

This is so not what I was expecting
when l came to South Padre.

If my mom saw this,
she would totally freak.

-Why?
-Are you kidding me?

My mom was Miss Texas,
valedictorian.

Now one of the most powerful women
in Washington.

Ain't easy being me.

She sounds like a real piece of work.

They call her "The Hatchet."

I don't know who you're talking about.

Excuse me, I have to take this.
It's an important call.

Okay.

-Hello.
-Talk to me, Betty.

Ming Ling, shit.

So my wild horse running you ragged?

- She's crazy, all right.
- Don't screw this up.

Three more days to keep her safe...

- ...and we'll make history.
- Don't you worry, l'm so on it. l--

Hello? Hello?

-Good morning, everybody.
-Morning? It's 5 p.m.

Well, it's morning somewheres.

Gayle, what are you wearing?

My boo loaned it to me. Slamming?

What's going on here?

It's a magazine-soda-pop-
Chex-Mix-pool party.

-Come join us.
-Okay.

Y'all, we got a booze cruise in 1 0
and then the foam party.

- You guys are going to a foam party?
- Yeah.

They fill up a whole club with beer foam.
It's like living in a keg.

Becky, you have to meet the Sevens.

When you hang with them,
you're hot by association.

-You know the Sevens?
-We're kind of like the Eights right now.

-So, shorties, you coming with?
-No way, Jose.

-Sorry, Judi.
-His name was Juan Carlos.

You think maybe I can go with you?

-l have no problem with that.
-Don't you have to be on the list, Gayle?

And isn't that list closed?

Yes, l believe that list is closed, Becky.

Y'all, let's motor.
This ass ain't getting any higher.

Can l get a "what, what?"

Later-hosen.

Gayle, the Sevens and l have been talking.
Four and Five think you're awesome.

Six and Seven think it'd be better if you
were taller, and Two had no comment.

I'm, like, really stupid.

It's okay.

And l-- I think you are almost there.

My God. You guys.

I can't feel my face.

My God,
that's the guy from last night.

That is some grade-A baloney pony.

Go talk to him.

See, l told you we'd get in.

Doug's gotta be in here somewhere.

Lydia? Lydia!

Lydia!

Hey.

-What's up?
-Nothing.

We cool?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey....

Thank you.

Hi.

All right, maestro.
Let's get this party started.

What's up, suckers?

My name is Gayle
and l'm the party master. Woo, woo.

Do you guys like line dancing?

No.

-Yeah.
-Yeah, that's my girls.

We're gonna get it going tonight.

We're gonna blow your mother-humping
mind with a thing called electric slide.

Maestro.

Whoo!

That's right. Get it going.

Yeah.

All right. You guys aren't feeling it?

Here's some incentive.

How about you come up
and do the electric slide...

...to get your free keychain.

Give me those damn keychains.

They really like keychains.

Hey.

Spring break forever!

I'm flying.

Go, go, go.

Girl, you're a Team Seven now.

I'm 35 years old.

I'm flying.

Chug, chug. Chug, chug.

-What time is it?
-Almost dinner.

I must have blacked out again.

Me too.

You guys have been drunk
for three straight days.

Girl, don't hate.

Stop talking like that.

Becky, there's this party tonight,
beer fountains.

It's like the Trevi in Rome but with beer.

You're loaded, Judi.

Roll with us.

What is going on here?

I had sex with a stranger...

...and now we're falling in love.

Yeah, and I mounted
an Abercrombie model.

He was 1 9 years old.

We're different women here.

-Yeah, so come with us.
-Yes.

Wow, my tan is out of control.

I have a job to do.

Your job is done.

Yeah, Ashley's a nerdball.
She ain't making no Page Six.

You're missing your second chance.

Becky, it's not the same without you.

We're a trio.

We're like the Three Musketeers
or Wilson Phillips.

True that.

We've been reborn, Becky.

Holler back, girl.

Ashley. Come on, let us in.

Forget about Doug.

She's been in there all day.

Do you wanna play mahjong?

-Yeah, that's a good idea.
-Yeah, yeah.

No, thank you, ladies.

I'm out.

Hey, Mr. Man.

Get me a shot of anything and whatever
my little friend here wants too.

Yeah, all right.

Me likey when the lady buys.

Well, you know....

Down it, wench.

You guys, this game is so boring.

We've been playing it for,
like, two hours.

We don't know any other games.

I know a game.
Let's play the Movie Numbers Game.

It's super fun. You say the titles of movies
that have numbers from one to 1 0.

I'll start.
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Two Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

-Numbers what to what?
-One to 1 0.

Hey, I threw up four times today.

-You know, that's very unhealthy.
-So is being fat.

Fat people are nice people, okay?

People are fat for all different reasons.

You have a slow metabolism
or a thyroid problem...

...or you're an adult and
your parents decide to get a divorce.

And you find yourself in your grandma's
laundry room eating brownie mix...

...and crying.

What, are we all supposed
to be the same? That's crazy.

That's just crazy talk.

Gayle.

You are so wise.
You are like a big sister.

Yeah, we are starting
to become like family.

Absolutely.

- Yeah.
- And you're like the one we adopted.

Aw.

You look just like my R.A.

I haven't been touched by a man
since Clinton was in office.

Hey, I need to talk to you.

Please, I just-- l need-- Just one second.

Look, nothing was gonna happen
with me and that guy over there.

Yeah, you know,
it's really none of my business.

Don't be mad, please.
You've gotta trust me.

I'm just trying to take a leak.

Why are you being so cold?

I don't even know you.

Yeah? Well, l feel like
I don't even know you anymore either.

This is why I'm not a slut.
I just don't have what it takes.

Because when I love, l love hard.

But you, you're just like
every other guy here, right?

Y'all just see me as some piece of ass!
Well, guess what, homeboy...

...l ain't your sex robot.

Move it!

Good Lord, look at that. That is pathetic.

It's like putting lipstick on a turd.

Guys, l have a good idea.
Let's make her over.

You know, it'll be a fun project,
like l was.

Gayle, she is pure nasty.

You, you were a diamond in the rough.

She kind of is too. She's really smart.

And, you know, her mother
might be vice president next week.

She might be famous
and be in magazines.

My God. Let's make friends.

She could get the Sevens in Us Weekly.

- No, that wasn't why l told--
- Yoo-hoo. Ash. You come here.

Damn, girl, you clean up real nice.

-Yeah, you really like this?
-l do.

-Okay.
-Listen, honey, l am sorry.

I have matured so much this past week.
I am tired of being a jerk.

You and me need a fresh start.
Let me get you a drink.

Hi.

Hey, Ashley,
let's go play a hot game of Scrabble.

I am not liking you that much right now.

Let's chug.

Spring break tears people apart.

-What's she doing here?
-Go get Becky.

I said, are you guys ready?

It's time for the wet T-shirt contest.

Ladies, come on up.

All right.

Mason. Mason.

You've gotta enter
the wet T-shirt contest.

Yeah.

What--? What's--? What are--?
What's going on here?

I'm partying.

-You don't party.
-Nor should she. Yay!

Dude, I am a total party girl.

Somebody give me another drink.

- Doug, get us another round.
- Know what? Make that two.

Let's Padre, people!

Ashley, I know you want him back.

Believe me, l am nothing to him.

You gotta jump-start that man.
Give him what he wants.

If you shake it, he will come.

No. No, let's not shake anything.
Whoo!

It's wet T-shirt time.

Ashley, Ashley, Ashley, wait.

Remember your Women's Studies class.

And you remember what team you're on.

Girls, get your cameras.

Hey. Hey.

Ashley's been skanked by the Sevens.

Bye, l'll see you later.

Ashley.

Ashley. Ashley. Down, girl.

Move.

What's happening?

They found out
her mother might be famous.

-Who told her?
-l did.

We tell each other everything,
that's how it works.

- Gayle.
- Ashley!

That's my girl.

Ashley, you don't have to do this.

You're not a Mason.

I am now.

What would the senator say?

-The senator?
-Yeah, your mother.

My mother?

Your brother.

-She sent you, didn't she?!
-No, no, I--

I should have known
those wrinkles weren't from the sun!

I thought we were friends!

- Put me down.
- l'm sorry, I had to do it.

Judi, Gayle, l'm going to jail.

Hey, hey. Let go of me.

Hey, hey, hey, be strong. Be strong.

Stop singing that song.

Does this mean we have to leave?

Come on.

I don't know.

My God. Is she dead?

Okay, l'll deal with this. You go to jail.

This would not be happening
at the Wimmin's Music Festival.

Hi.

Come on, old gal, here we go. All right.

Christina Aguilera,
what are you doing here?

I hate you, Becky.

-l feel really bad.
-l feel like ass.

You smell like ass.

I was just doing my job.

I thought you were my friend.

- l am your friend.
- No, you're not.

You're just a butt-sucking liar.

That sound like Deion, don't it?

You're the one lying to your mom.

Mama-love knows no bounds, honey.

God bless all the mamas.

Look who's talking.

You're the one trying to impress her.

Let me guess.
She told you to grow a pair of nuts.

L hate that word.

Yeah, they're nasty.

If you'd just--

If we all accept ourselves...

...the way that we are,
we'll be so much happier.

-Word.
-Amen.

Like you and your friends?

I miss my babies.

First of all, this place is disgust.

Second of all, what are you doing
at spring break anyway?

Catholic school G. l love.

What are you doing here?

I want a second chance.

Come home.

What about your massage?

I love women.

I love their hair, I love their smooth skin.

I'm a huge fan of those.

I really wanna believe that.

Then do.

Look, l need to go.
I have to go bail Becky out ofjail.

- You girls went craze?
- You don't even know.

Jude, the firm dinner's this weekend.

I could really use you by my side.

-Why are you doing this to me?
-Because people can't live alone forever.

Judi, look.

Let's have the wed.

And then after,
we'll have a really nice life "togeth."

Every spring, this place,
she flares up like a cold sore.

And l'm back for more. You know...

...the kids and the sex and the booze,
you think it'll go on forever.

But it's like one of them videos, you know,
of a fireplace that you put on your TV.

And, like, no matter how close
you get to the screen...

...it's never gonna warm you up.

I just wanted to be a stylist to the stars.

- You still have time.
- Do you think so?

-Yeah.
-You do?

Yeah.

Hello there, fine fellow.

- Who is this?
- Honey, that's a tree.

My name is Charlene.

What are you wearing?

-All right.
-l love him.

-Yeah.
-Don't touch me.

-Okay.
-Please touch me.

-All right.
-Thank you.

Here we go.

-Let's just stay here for a while.
-You got it.

-Okay, all right.
-Okay.

All right, ladies, you can go.

-Judi, thank God.
-Thank you.

You guys,
we have a little bit of a problem.

Over here, over here.

- Ashley.
- All right, that's enough.

- Give the lady some room.
- Can l get a comment?

-There will be an official statement later.
-That's the girl from the wet T-shirt contest.

- Right here, right here.
- l am not a girl.

I am a woman.

- Now let us through.
- Ashley, over here.

After several Long lsland iced teas,
a strip show and a bar brawl...

...Ashley Hartmann,
daughter of Senator Kay Bee Hartmann...

...potential vice-presidential appointee,
was arrested...

...after spring-breaking
on South Padre lsland.

Ashley's troubles couldn't come
at a more inopportune moment...

...for the potential vice president,
as the president is two days away...

...from announcing his selection.

Motherf--

Ashley kept, like, chugging.
And l was all like, "Stop."

And she was all like, "No."

And then all of a sudden,
she just starts thrashing...

...on this real unattractive lady,
and l'm, like, thinking:

"My God.
Drinking and public displays of sex...

-...is, like, real bad for women."
-Can we turn this off, please, somebody?

Just turn it off. Thank you.

Let's pack it in and leave.

What? No, l'm not going anywheres.

We got two days of partying left,
right, Judi?

Actually, I need to go too.

You guys, William and I reconciled.

We are gonna get married.

Sweetie, he's as gay as a goose.

Mason says
there's no such thing as gay men.

- Just guys that haven't met her yet.
- Enough with the Masons already.

Come on,
don't be bagging on my girls.

Hey, I thought we were your girls.

Yeah. No, you are.

Just the Sevens asked me
to perform with them in the talent show...

...so l think I'm finally gonna win.

I think your cornrows are too tight.

How can you think about
getting on a stage without us?

Maybe you didn't hear me.
I want to win.

You haven't gotten sun here,
you've gotten sun-damaged.

Jiffy Pop.

Ouch.

You guys, focus.
I just said l'm getting married.

Now, why can't you two
just be happy for me?

-Judi, he's a gay.
-Judi, he's a gay.

Let this be a lesson to you girls.

Never base your self-esteem
on the validation from men.

Or women.

I might have low self-esteem...

...but at least
I'm not rocking the gaucho pants.

Honey gave me these pants.

-For my 30th birthday.
-You know what, Becky?

She didn't give you those pants. Know
why? Because cats can't give gifts, okay?

Judi, tell her. She's delusional.

Tell her, Judi. We can't spend
every night playing Pictionary.

You bought that game.

-She bought that game.
-Give me a break. Judi, pick a side.

-Pick a side.
-Pick a side.

You guys, l don't need to pick a side...

...because I am getting married.

And it will be a small, private affair.

I'll be at the Hilton with my fiance.

You hear that?
That's the sound of the party train.

And this gal's gonna be on it. So peace.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Ashley, aren't you coming?

No.

What?

Are we really gonna let those Seven bitches
run us out of town?

They're kind of the Eights now.

I wanna enter in that talent show.

I heard that sentence in college once.
It ruined my life.

Becky.

Aren't you tired of being a doormat?

Letting the Masons of the world
just win all the time?

This isn't just a talent show. This is war.

Becky, you are not a cautionary tale.

She's right.

Let's take back the beach.

- Charlene.
- Hi.

We're starting a band.

And l need your help.

You need me?

Yeah, hey.

Stop. You know what?
That viola cannot handle the melody.

We need someone on keyboards.

My cousin Lavonne plays the piano down
at the church. We could give her a call.

But she's such an alcoholic.
Yeah, it's so sad.

Ashley.

My God. Everybody's talking about you
like you're some big star.

I've decided to take you back.

- Gosh, really?
- Really.

You're the only girl for me.

Douglas.

Your mole's growing back.

On the left. All right, good.

Got that.

Welcome
to the 37th Annual All-Girl Talent Show.

I'm Dan, and you're about to see
a lot of naughty.

But first, let's say hello to our judges.

Christopher Knight,
Bruce Vilanch and La La.

Ladies, five minutes to get to that table
and register.

So let's make that happen.
Get it on! l'm Dan.

Are we too late to sign up
for the talent show?

-Just made it.
-Drink it.

Lavonne, drink it.
You have got to focus on the music.

Dear God, thank you for making us sexy.

We love you. Jesus is the best.

And God bless our troops...

...the unborn,
and all Sevens for all mankind.

-Amen.
-Praise him.

It's so weird you guys are religious.

Gayle.

On the outside, l see you've changed.

How are you?

-Get away from us.
-Good luck, Gayle.

Let the show begin.

Our first contestants come straight
from the Pan-Asia Club of Florida State.

The Hoochie Minh.

And for the flight, l brought a copy of--
Wait for it.

--Steel Magnoles.

Yay.

You look good, Jude.

Really pretty.

-You think?
-Yes.

-Hey.
-Yes?

Let's go over to that bathroom over there
and do it.

Jude, you just went.

No, I mean do it,
like throw me up against a wall...

...and call me your dirty little slut.

You're talking craze.

-We have a problem, William.
-What's that, Baby G?

We don't have sex ever.

Are you thirsty?

Because I am thirsty.

-l can't do this.
-What?

I can't go back with you.

-Come again?
-l can't marry you.

One more time.

How can l make you understand?

Okay, here's the "sitch," all right?

I'm at a real crucial "mome" in my life...

...and l'm not just gonna settle
for half a "relaish."

I've still got a "fuetch."

And, William, truth be T...

...you're a total 'mo.

- Hoochie Minh.
- Give it up for the Hoochie Minh.

Hoochie Minh, Hoochie Minh,
Hoochie Minh.

Take it off!

We are so much hotter than that.

We're so gonna win this.

Gayle, l'm putting you in the back row.

You're looking kind of bloated.

But l haven't eaten for two days.

Damn it, Gayle,
you wanna win this thing or not?

Get this thing off me.

No!

Francois.

What is wrong with you?

Dogs are our friends.
They love our insides.

God, freak out much?

Dogs are gross.

You know what? l don't belong here.

Look at me, I look ridiculous.

I'm wearing a boa.

-Whose idea was this?
-Yours.

Did I get caught up in the razzle-dazzle?
Yes.

But you know what l learned?

These will get you here:

But this is gonna get you here:

And then this will get you way up here:

Then use this and this together,
and you're up here:

And then you don't even care
about these.

Are you talking about boobs?

God. You know,
I chase girls like you my whole life.

And you know what?
You're all a bunch of bullies.

And you know what happens to bullies?

They get whatever they want,
but they don't get love.

Real love.

Mary J. Blige style. Here.

Why don't you take this?
Use it as a thong.

Gayle.

- Eat this.
- Thank you.

This tastes so fucking good.

I am so tired of being hungry.

Let's go.

All right, people, give it up for
the hottest chicks from the state of Texas.

The Sevens.

I trained them well.

Move. Come on.

Get, get.

Let's beat it.

- Yeah.
- That's what I'm talking about.

- Take it off.
- Go for it, baby.

Mason.

Lavonne.
Lavonne, you gotta keep it together.

Becky's Friendz, you're up next.

Becky's Friendz?
That's the name of our group?

All right, that's it, Ashley.

Your spring break is over, girls.

Grab her, boys.

Senator, please.

Betty, Betty, Betty.

I think that you have done
just about enough.

I never should have sent
a weak-willed number cruncher.

God, I hate plain women, l really do.

You know what?

"Hate" is a strong word.

And l am not plain.

I'm Becky St. Germaine.

And you know what else?

You can eat me, you cracker.

Who are you calling a cracker?

-Back it up!
-Mama. Mama, please listen.

I'm not the daughter you thought l was.

I'm not popular.

I've never pole-danced
and l didn't get into any sororities.

Not even the lesbian one.

These are my friends.

Mama, l'm plain.

There is nothing special about me.

Don't you ever say that again.

Hello? You're on.

We have to get out there, Ashley.

Go, go, go.

Go, go, go.

Baby.

All right, get your butt up on that stage.

But keep your top on, all right?

-Let's do it.
-Chip off the old block, that one is.

Sevens are the team to beat. Let's see if
the next group of girls has what it takes.

Ladies and gentlemen, holler out
for Becky's Friendz. With a Z.

Yeah.

Thank you so much, everyone.

Y'all, Lavonne's done. I'm so sorry.

-Sorry, sorry.
-Go home!

Forget about it.

Get off the stage!

Ladies.

Judi.

Let's do this.

Two, three, four.

What?

You suck!

Hey. Hey, you know what, South Padre?

We don't care what you think
because we're freaking awesome.

Yeah, so smoke on that, spring break.

What's the matter, y'all?

Hey, all you regular girls, give it up.

Clap, come on. Give it up.

Yeah.

We're not going anywhere.

And just wait till next year.

And this is for Honey, my dead cat.

-Yeah!
-Give it up.

Dead cat, dead cat, dead cat.

Dead cat, dead cat.

Way to go, girls. Way to--

Becky.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...the next vice president
of the United States of America...

...Senator Kay Bee Hartmann
and her daughter, Ashley.

-We're gonna save the environment.
-Can you tell us about--?

Mason here, Ashley's best friend.

-l don't know her.
-Get that girl out of the shot.

Come on, ladies. Let's go.

Please don't hurt me.

Don't say anything, just listen.

I want you to know
that you've changed me.

And not a day will go by when
I don't think about our time together.

But you're so young...

...with so many dreams and years
ahead of you.

It could never work between us,
I know that now...

...but always know
that you're in my soul.

Wait.

Goodbye.

Hey, you guys, let's take a picture
so we'll always remember this trip.

-Charlene.
-Okay.

Okay, all right.
Get together, y'all, all right.

-Ready? One, two....
-Cheese.

Ashley will not be speaking
at a fundamentalist college, no.

And also, we are focusing
on the family and the environment...

...so you can tell those
anti-immigration dudes to shove it.

My God. I've only been
on eHarmony for two weeks...

...and l already have
23 coffees lined up.

-You go, girl.
-Guys, are we making pizzas or what?

- Yeah.
- l gotta go.

- You got me the mini pepperonis again.
- Put a smiley face on mine.

-That's really amazing.
-l'll do that too.

Okay, guys, I got an idea.
Movie Numbers.

Only Movie Numbers Extreme.

-Ooh!
-One to 20.

Okay, l'll start, l'll start.
It Happened One Night.

-Basic lnstinct 2.
-Nice.

-Three Men and a Little Lady.
-l love Steve Guttenberg.

-l love Steve Guttenberg.
-Okay. Fantastic Four.

-Nine to Five.
-That's so good.

That's three numbers, nine, two, five.
Okay.

You're a pretty puppy.

This is really degrading to women.
Really.

We're kind of like Laverne and Shirl.

I can't-- I can't--

South Padre.

You know what this lawn chair
reminds me of?

-What?
-The time l had sex on a lawn chair.

What?