Spooners (2013) - full transcript
Corey and Nelson are finally ready to upgrade their old lumpy futon to a grown-up bed. The problem is, Nelson is too uptight to shop for a bed with his husband. When Nelson goes into a bed store alone, he's confronted by a "user-friendly" Smart Bed(TM) that drills him with personal and presumptive questions based on the gender of his sleeping partner. Much to his chagrin, Nelson becomes an unwitting spectacle for the gawking suburban customers. Will the promise of a fifty percent discount for being the first "out and proud" customer, and his sudden celebrity status motivate Nelson to achieve his mission- or will he run home defeated and cry into his threadbare futon?
Corey...
Corey.
Corey! Oof.
Corey, Corey you gotta get up.
You gotta get up.
No, c'mon you're gonna be late.
You're gonna be late.
C'mon
C'mon
I called your mom
I called your mom
She's gonna be here in a minute
She's gonna
You never listen to me.
Okay I love you, I gotta go.
I love you
Get up. Get up!
I'm up.
I'm up.
I'm up.
I'm up!
I'm up.
- More vibration.
- Hard to catch a fish.
There?
Yeah, that's good.
You are just, you've been
over that computer too much.
It's like,
you're just all in knots.
Are you really blaming
this on the computer?
What is, what is that?
I'm sorry, but I can't
sleep on this crappy,
old futon anymore.
Wha, my sister gave
birth to beautiful twins
on this crappy, old futon.
I know and you haven't even
washed off that nasty stain.
I can't,
it looks too much like Jesus
or Che Guevara,
I can't decide which.
Listen, I really appreciate
that you love to
collect odd shit.
Whimsical collectibles!
But clinging on to a
futon mattress that you've
had since middle school?
That's beyond nostalgic.
Fine, we can get a
new bed, but we're not
throwing him away.
It.
Shh.
Whatever. Alright.
Hey you know what, I'm
just gonna go by Drowsy's
tomorrow, during my lunch break.
I don't get outta
work until five,
why don't we go after work?
You don't have to go, no.
I know how you hate box stores,
it's fine.
My. God.
You are embarrassed
to shop for a mattress
with your husband!
Because our sexy,
manly, sexuality
- Okay, okay, okay
- will be too much!
You're being ridiculous.
I'm very comfortable
with who I am.
I just prefer to come out
on a need to know basis.
Yeah, well I'm on a
"need to know what mattress
we'll be sleeping on" basis.
Fine.
Fine.
This is pretty nice.
Yeah, it's pretty firm.
It's $1000.
We're not making
a baby on a cheap bed.
This one's very comfy.
You wanna try it out?
Okay!
Some like it hard,
some like it soft, what...
Welcome to Drowsy
sir, what can I help you
find this lovely evening?
Well,
I am looking for a mattress,
but my significant other.
Half.
Person isn't here yet,
so maybe we should
wait for them to get here?
Them?
You player!
Lets get you started
on a Smart bed.
What's so smart about it?
It's high tech
and it's user friendly.
It analyzes your bed
habits and chooses the best
mattress for
you and your lifestyle.
Lifestyle?
Push the button.
Good morning!
I'm here to help you find a
mattress that's juuuuust right!
Lets get started.
Are you a male, female
or other?
You are a male.
Do you have a sleeping partner?
Your default sleeping
partner is a female.
Is this correct?
Excuse me, do you have
water-proof mattresses pads?
- Of course!
- For the little one's bed?
No...
We're gonna need queen size.
Through there, against the wall.
Thank you.
You are a male customer
with a male sleeping partner!
Awesome, what's his name?
Who?
- Your sleeping partner!
- What's his name!?
Corey.
Corny?
Corey!
Ladies and gentlemen,
his sleeping partner's name
is Corey.
And we've got news for you!
Congratulations Miss. Thing,
You're the first homosexual
customer at this franchise!
You will receive 25% off your
purchase when you complete
your Smart Bed evaluation.
And submit all the email
addresses of all your
gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgender, questioning
and sexually ambiguous friends.
Hey bro, what's your body-type,
as listed on
your Manhunt profile?
What's Manhunt?
Please.
Muscle-queen, twink, troll,
bear, cub or otter?
What's with all the animals?
I know right.
The gay culture finds afinity
with various archetypes.
Most are woodland creatures.
Yeah, I heard that on NPR.
They're so spiritual.
Woof!
When you practice S&M, are
you dominant or submissive?
Where's the
"non-applicable" button?
Sorry, there's only two options.
You are submissive, and proud!
Wait, that's not what I pushed.
The Smart Bed is very intuitive.
I had him pegged
for a power-bottom.
Totally
Please assume spooning position
with your sleeping partner.
But he's not here yet.
Am I about the right size?
Not at all. Look...
I mean I don't need a
complete sleep analysis,
I just came here to buy
a comfortable, affordable
normal bed.
Like this one!
How much is this guy?
Well we can make it
more affordable with...
discount when you complete
your Smart Bed evaluation.
Is he your boyfriend's size?
No.
I'm sorry about that?
What about me?
Would you like a mint?
No, I'm good.
So good.
Please mount Smart Bed!
Ahem.
What the hell are you doing?
That's my real sleeping partner.
Corey!
Resume spooning position!
Let's just do this, please.
What is going on?
Don't ask questions,
just lay down.
Awww...
Hola! Senorita would you
like to pay your respects?
No? Well, that's cold.
Alright chili con carne,
my acondios.
Ai, ai, ai!