Spook Louder (1943) Movie Script

[♪]

Professor Dunkfeather

is concentrating.

Ah. Just as I suspected.

She had dandruff.

Proving absolutely

a case of suicide.

What is it, Perkins?

This is Mr. Wallace

from The Times.

He's come

to interview you.

Excellent.

That will be all, Perkins.

Eh, Professor Dunkfeather,

my paper wants the inside story

on the breaking up

of the great spy ring.

By far, the strangest case

in all my experience.

It began one day

when three master salesmen

were canvassing

from house to house.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

If we don't sell one of these

reducing machines today,

the landlady said we'd be

sleeping on the sidewalk.

Say, I stopped the landlady

this morning.

How?

I says, "Do you want us to

be patriotic and buy war bonds,

or do you want us to be

unpatriotic and pay the rent?"

[CHUCKLES]

You had her there.

That's what I thought,

but if we don't pay the rent,

we still sleep

on the sidewalk.

Yes?

Good day, madam, we-- Ahem.

We represent the Miracle

Reducing Machine Company Inc.

Our machine is guaranteed

to take off 10 pounds a day.

Are you kidding?

Ahem.

As I said before,

this remarkable machine

puts on 10 pounds an hour.

No, I don't want any. You

peddlers are driving me crazy.

Precisely why we're here,

madam.

We, too, loathe those scurrilous

door-to-door leeches.

My vice president will show you

exactly what I mean.

Show her, vice.

Well,

I'll take one of those.

Thank you.

That'll be 50 cents.

Thank you. Now about this

remarkable machine of ours--

You know, we generally

get with the-- Oh!

What are you

walkin' into me for?

I almost had her sold.

The miracle machine

of the age.

And if you increase the voltage,

you can knock off 20 pounds.

[GIGGLES]

Really?

Really. Ready?

Contact.

[BUZZING]

Feel those pounds

oozing off?

Yes.

And if you get tired of using it

as a reducing machine,

it makes

a remarkable cocktail shaker.

I'll take one.

Make her out a receipt.

[BUZZING STOPS]

Hey, it's off.

Oh.

How do you spell "fifty"?

Make it 75.

What did you say?

I say, "It's nice to be alive."

Wonderful rain

we had last night.

Marvelous.

It simply drenched the place.

Practically

wet everything.

[FABRIC RIPPING]

[CURLY YELPS]

What happened?

You get out of here.

Wait a minute, lady. Now, look.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

CURLY:

Whoo-whoo-whoo!

What has that got to do

with the spy ring?

Nothing.

But late that same day,

they came to the home

of Graves, the great inventor.

They had been walking

for miles and miles and miles.

Whew.

Boy, what a neighborhood.

This is the first house

we've come to in five miles.

The guy who lives here

must be a hermit.

Yeah.

If we don't sell anything here,

me and my feet is quittin'.

MAN:

What is it?

What's what?

I didn't say nothin'.

No, but I did.

Shut up.

What do you want?

[ALL WHIMPER]

We wanna see the owner

on important business.

This guy don't wanna buy

nothin'.

No, he's heavy enough.

[DOOR CREAKS]

Go ahead.

Come on.

Ungh!

We didn't do nothin'.

Say, what's the idea

of all the clocks?

Mr. Graves,

the master,

must know what time

it is in all countries.

What time is it?

Shhh.

In two seconds,

it'll be 5:00 in Russia.

Yo...

ho...

ho.

Hey, let's come back at 12:00

and hear the whole song.

Shut up.

Mr. Graves is in his den.

Follow me.

Go ahead.

Oh. What country are you from?

[SCREAMS THEN WHIMPERS]

[BARKS]

[BARKING]

[CHITTERS, GRUNTS]

Hello, doc.

What's cookin'?

Ah, the new caretakers.

Fine, fine.

Now, your wages

are $100 a month,

room and board.

But we're not-- Ohh.

Yes, we are. Ha-ha!

I want you

to look out for spies,

especially Jap spies.

You're not a Jap,

are you?

Nyuh. Me, a Jap?

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

I'll tear you--

Wait a minute.

He meant sap, not Jap.

Oh. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I want one of you boys

to take this gun...

just in case. Uh--

Are you sure you know

how to handle that gun?

Are you kiddin'?

That's the front end,

that's the back end,

this is the gimmick you pull.

[BULLET RICOCHETS]

[WHIMPERS]

[CHUCKLES]

This was the gun.

Then Graves

is the master spy.

I'll tell the story.

Mr. Graves was called away

on a secret mission,

so he had the three salesmen

brought to his den,

where he gave them

instructions.

Gentlemen, I've been

called away to Washington

to demonstrate

my new death-ray machine.

It will destroy millions.

Yeah, but what's that

got to do with us?

Just this:

While I'm gone,

I want you men

to sleep in the house

so enemy spies won't break in

and steal any of my inventions.

If enemy spies

get fresh with us,

I'll dash their head

against the wall.

I'll chop off their arms.

I'll break their eardrums.

[WHIMPERS]

If an emergency arises,

use this bomb.

It will destroy everything

and everybody.

Ah, we won't need that,

long as I got

my old trusty shootin' iron.

Be careful

with that thing.

You got nothing

to worry about.

I unloaded it. See?

[BULLET RICOCHETS]

Nahhh.

[WHIMPERS]

You unloaded it,

huh?

I'll unload your brains,

if you got any.

Now, remember, boys,

you will defend my property

until your life's blood

flows down the floor in rivers.

Okay, boss, you got

nothin' to worry about.

[WHIMPERS]

Did he say "blood"?

I'm anemic.

[ALL WHIMPER]

There goes Graves

and his bodyguard.

This is our chance.

What about those three guys?

We'll take care of them.

What do you suppose

I got these outfits for?

I'll signal

when I get inside.

The place is all locked up,

and we're the only ones in here.

[PIANO PLAYS

RACHMANINOFF'S "PRELUDE"]

Oh.

Rachmaninoff's "Prelude".

And believe me,

that's a hard piece.

May I have this dance?

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Say.

You're not a bad dancer.

You dance like you got

your legs on backwards.

I bet you tell that

to all the boys.

Wait a minute.

If we're here alone,

who's playin' the piano?

What difference does--?

[PIANO PLAYS RANDOM NOTES]

Hey,

there's nobody there.

Let's sneak up on him.

Go ahead.

Ah, look.

Ha-ha!

Kitten on the keys.

Yeah. See? We got

nothin' to worry about.

[AIR WHISTLING]

[MAN CACKLES]

[COUGHS]

But, professor,

who threw the pie?

That was

one of the mysteries.

You will see

as I continue.

The next thing

that happened,

the salesmen

were in a conference.

[MAN LAUGHING]

What was that?

[MORSE CODE BEEPING]

Shortwave.

Take it down, quick.

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

What's it say?

[IMITATES BEEPING]

Aw, shut up.

[WHINES]

What'd that mean?

[IMITATES BEEPING]

You too?

We can't cover this place right

unless we split up.

You go in the den.

You go in the basement.

Go ahead, get started.

Mmph!

That's a strange story,

professor,

but who was throwing

those pies?

Ah. Wouldn't you like

to know?

But wait.

Right after that, there was

something else happened

that baffled description.

[MAN LAUGHING]

Nothin' around here

to be afraid of...I hope.

Thanks.

[MUFFLED WHIMPER]

[MUFFLED YELPING]

Hey, Moe,

there's nobody here but--

Where'd he go?

I don't know.

Hey, Moe.

Moe.

Hey, Moe.

Where are you?

[FRUSTRATED WHINE]

"How to Make Friends

and Keep Them." Four volumes.

Where's the other one?

Oh! Mmph!

What?

Did you see what happened?

No.

No?

[LAUGHS]

Look in there.

I don't see nothin'.

Stand aside.

[YELLS, GROANS]

[WHIMPERS]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck,

nyuck, nyuck.

[YELLS]

An octopus.

Look out.

Oh.

Oh. Mmph!

An octopus.

[WHIMPERS]

[PANTING]

[YELLING]

I got him. I got him.

I-- I--

[SPUTTERS, WHIMPERS]

Was that you?

Yeah.

I'll knock you head

right through your socks.

[AIR WHISTLING]

[SPLUTTERS]

[WHIMPERS]

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-

whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-

whoo-whoo!

Let me in there.

[YELPS]

[WHIMPERING]

[SCREAMS]

[WHIMPERS]

[WHIMPERING]

Hey, Larry.

Is anybody followin' me?

No, but when

I opened the door,

there was a Jap spy

standin' there and-- Argh!

[WHIMPERING]

[MAN LAUGHS]

[MAN MOANS]

[WHIMPERING]

Hey.

I just saw the devil.

He stabbed me

with his pitchfork.

He had flame comin' out of

his nose. He had a big, long--

[WHIMPERS THEN YELLS]

What the--? Mmph.

I must be haunted.

[WHIMPERS]

[PANTING]

[YELPING]

[WHIMPERS]

[PANTING]

Maybe it's me.

[WHIMPERS THEN CHITTERS]

[WHIMPERS SOFTLY]

[SCREAMS]

[FRUSTRATED WHINE]

[WHIMPERS]

[WHIMPERS, BARKS]

[WHIMPERS

[WHIMPERS]

Shhh.

Yeah.

[WHIMPERS]

[FRUSTRATED WHINING]

[FRUSTRATED WHINING CONTINUES]

[WHIMPERS]

[CURLY GROANING]

Hey.

I just saw a ghost.

Was he a fat one?

Yeah.

That was me.

Oh.

[MAN LAUGHING WILDLY]

[WHIMPERS]

[CHATTERING]

[WHIMPERING]

[CONTINUES WHIMPERING]

[SCREAMS]

Hey, fellas.

The bear was stranglin' me.

He ripped

both my arms off.

[MAN LAUGHING]

[ALL WHIMPERING]

[ALL YELP]

Take it easy, now.

S-stand back.

Don't touch us.

Mmph!

The bomb. Stand back.

Stand back, or I'll mail you

to the undertaker.

[CHITTERS]

Mm. Come here, I mean it.

I mean it. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

We'll annihilate you.

Ha-ha-ha!

[WHINES]

[SCOFFS]

[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]

Hey, somebody lit it.

Ha-ha!

[ALL WHIMPERING]

I guess we fixed them.

You said it.

[ALL GROANING]

[AIR WHISTLING]

[MAN LAUGHING]

What happened?

Who did that?

Who threw those pies?

Professor,

I can't stand it any longer.

Who was throwing

those pies?

Oh. I threw the pies.

[LAUGHING]

[AIR WHISTLES]

[♪]

Spook Louder (1943) - full transcript