Spoiler Alert (2022) Movie Script

This isn't how our story

was supposed to end.

But meeting you in the first place

was the plot twist I never expected.

Mike, what do you got?

Fourteen years ago,

it was a most ordinary Tuesday.

Earth to Mike.

Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry.

Um... I'm working on a piece titled,

"Every Gilmore Girls

Character Ranked from Best to Rory."

Who's Rory?

She's one of the Gilmore Girls.

Which one?

She's the younger one.

Yeah, I don't get it.

Can you give me

something about Fear Factor?

Sure, yeah.

I'll give you something about Fear Factor.

My job at TV Guide was a dream,

especially as a kid who imagined

his childhood was an '80s sitcom.

The Ausiellos.

With Michael's younger brother,

and Michael's older brother.

--Starring Michael Ausiello...

as Michael Ausiello.

Hey, kids. I'm home.

Mom!

And featuring Mrs. Ausiello.

Come on. Our soap's about to start.

I remember watching

daytime soap operas with my mom.

Nurse Angelique, how's the patient?

Not good, Dr. Underwood.

All those sad people

in hospitals.

I was determined that my story

was going to be a happy one.

And for a while, it was.

I fancied myself as the star

of my very own workplace comedy.

Hey, princess.

A little Liz Lemon

and a lot of Will Truman.

Holy crap.

- That's Nick.

He convinces me to do things

like go out to a club on a weeknight.

- It is Jock Night at Nublu.

- Oh.

Yeah, so throw on

something like this, and let's go.

I'm gonna get you laid.

- Come on.

- That sounds really fun,

but I have to finish

this piece on Fear Factor by tomorrow.

You work too much,

and you need to get out more.

Come on.

Yeah! Let's do it!

I just can't get you out of my head

Boy, your loving is all I think about

I just can't get you out of my head

Boy, it's more

than I dare to think about...

I don't belong here.

Mmm. Sure, you do.

It's Jock Night, and you're a runner.

I'm a jogger.

I'm not a runner. Jogging's not a sport.

Please. Are you allergic to fun, Michael?

Boy, your loving is all I think about...

And there you were,

like some sweatband-wearing matinee idol.

I'll just shut up now.

Oh. That guy is definitely into you.

He was with a woman.

No man in this club

has been with a woman in years,

- if ever.

- Oh, my God.

- He's walking over here.

- Oh. Ignore me.

- Nick, please. Don't do that.

- Ignore me. Ignore me.

I'm just a random gay man.

- Hey.

- Hi.

What's up?

"What's up"?

You were looking over, and you waved,

and you were making that face, so...

I know. We were just...

We were smiling at each other, so I...

Uh... you were smiling at me, right?

Well, actually,

my friend Nina was getting me a drink,

so I was just looking.

Oh, Jesus.

So you weren't looking at me.

You were looking behind me.

- Well, I mean, no, I was...

- Oh, my God.

- Okay. That's mortifying.

- Hey, you guys.

- No, it's...

- Hello.

You are so his type.

Okay, she's had a few too many.

No, I haven't.

Yes, I have. Yes, I have.

But you are still his type.

- Well, 'cause you're...

- Oh.

You're, like a dweeb.

- I'm what?

- Tall. She means tall.

- You mean tall.

- Yes. A tall dweeb.

- That is what I meant.

- Oh, my... Okay.

- Wow.

- It doesn't matter. Don't be embarrassed.

Everybody has a type.

My type is very handsome gay men.

Which is why I am hopelessly single.

- I'm dancing.

- It's...

It's truly a tragedy. It's...

- Well, for me.

- I think for maybe both of us.

Did you... Do you want to dance?

No, I don't...

I'm not gonna dance.

Okay. You prefer to watch?

Yes, I like to watch.

- Okay.

Well, let me know if you change your mind.

I just can't get you out of my head

Boy, your loving

is all I think about

I just can't get you out of my head

Boy, it's more than I dare to think about

You make me feel

Mighty real...

They're dancing!

- You're a great dancer.

- You're a terrible liar.

Have you been here before?

I wouldn't say that

this is really my scene.

- What's your scene?

- I'm more of

a "work late,

go to bed early" kind of guy.

What about you?

I've been here a lot.

Getting a little tired of it.

Maybe you should try another scene.

- Maybe I should.

- Maybe you should.

Bold.

Oh, you make me feel...

How about... turning the hat?

You make me feel

All the time...

So, you want to get out of here

and go back to my place?

I don't even know your name.

It's Kit.

- Wait, really?

- You're Kit?

Oh, God. I'm Michael.

It's like Michael and KITT

from Knight Rider.

It's that David Hasselhoff show

from the '80s. Ran 90 episodes.

- So this is kismet, then?

- Uh, sure.

Except that KITT was a talking car

and the show wasn't very good.

Hey, there you are.

- Oh, God, hi.

- Whoa, whoa.

Kit, I need you to take me home

because the room is spinning.

All right. Um, that's my cue.

Oh, yeah, okay. Uh...

It's been good to meet you.

Wow. Come on. Jesus.

Yeah, it's good to meet you, too.

You know what? Actually, here.

This is... This is my card.

It has my number on it

so you can call me sometime.

- Okay.

- Oh, God. I think I'm gonna barf.

All right. Let's get you out of here.

Get you out of here.

- I'm so sorry.

- Come on.

I never thought

I'd hear from you.

But then you called.

You do own a TV set, right?

I think my roommate Kirby does.

Is that shocking to you?

Shocking? No, it's not shocking.

I've heard of people

who don't have TVs,

but I've never met one.

It's nice to meet you.

Educate me.

What's your favorite TV show?

Uh, at the moment? Felicity.

They're doing some new things,

but it's also got a traditional...

I don't know,

there's something comforting about it,

and the actors are great.

Um, is she the one whose haircut

almost got the show canceled?

It is a brilliant show,

and you should watch it.

Okay. Should we get a bottle?

This place has an incredible wine list.

Um, I think I will stick with Diet Coke.

I'm not really much of a drinker.

I don't really like the taste

or the empty calories.

What about you? Drunkard or junkie?

- I'm a photographer.

- Mmm. Both, then.

Well, for now,

I have a day job that pays the bills.

- What is that?

- Così.

New York's finest

fast-casual restaurant chain.

Così has

the best flatbread in New York City.

Well, I design

their advertising, store signage.

Did you do the new ads for

the hummus-veggie sandwich?

I did, yes.

- That's one of mine.

- Okay, I'm not even kidding,

that is the most beautifully rendered

hummus and veggie sandwich

I have ever seen.

And I'm a vegetarian. I've seen

a lot of hummus and veggie pictures.

Well, what can I say?

When it comes to lighting bread,

I know what's up.

I do lunch every day

at the Così on 51st and Broadway.

Well, today's

your lucky day, because you...

your next two

flatbread sandwiches are on me.

Shut up! Oh. Marry me.

Oh, God. Is that too soon

to ask you to marry me?

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Uh, what's your...

What's your take on marriage?

Ooh, a serious discussion.

Well, you know, it's topical and...

Okay. Well...

I consider myself

a bit of a hopeless romantic,

so I guess that makes me pro.

And I'm guessing that

you kind of feel differently.

Well, aren't we supposed to be

more advanced than that?

I mean, it started as

the literal selling of chattel.

I don't know if I want to be

a part of that ritual.

I think some rituals are kind of sweet.

And some rituals

are actually very important.

Hmm.

- What's chattel?

- I don't know.

I think it's, like, cattle that chats.

Talking cows?

Middle child, two brothers.

We're actually very close,

but they live in different states,

so we don't see each other very often.

- Only child.

- Only...

No sisters, no brothers.

Childhood obsessions.

Christmas and soaps and...

Nope, there's nothing else.

Christmas and soaps. Period. Go.

Uh, childhood obsession, magic.

My stage name was Kit the Conjurer.

Kit the Conjurer! The alliteration.

- It's, um... You've got...

- What is it?

You've got something behind your ear.

- What? What? Where?

- Uh, it's...

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, Jesus.

It's a dinner roll.

- How did that get there?

- How did you do that?

A magician never reveals his secrets.

After high school,

I escaped to Los Angeles.

-I went to USC, -Oh.

Where I nurtured

my obsession with television,

which led to

my current job at TV Guide.

Which, I am guessing,

you've never even heard of.

No, no, no. My parents had

a subscription to TV Guide.

Oh, thank God.

They're retired now.

My dad is a world-class putterer.

A good guy. And...

my mom is a triathlete.

Your mother's a triath...

As in, like, the whole...

- Mmm. Swimming, biking, running. Yep.

- Shut up.

She is exceptionally driven.

Though not very good.

Wow.

Are you close with them?

Yeah. I mean, it's complicated.

But they're great.

They're essentially great.

What about your parents?

Can I just say that this Diet Coke

is the perfect syrup-to-carbonation ratio?

This is, like, Chipotle-level perfect.

No one does Diet Coke like Chipotle.

They both passed away.

My father died when I was very young.

And my mother, she got cancer

a few years after that, so...

Yes, it sucked.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

Thank you.

Watch out.

Maybe we should go inside somewhere.

I don't really want to get gay-bashed.

Okay. Well, then let's go to your place.

I've never been to Jersey City before.

Plus, I have the...

The aforementioned roommate, so...

I would love to go to my place,

but they just...

They just painted

my apartment, and I'm afraid the fumes

might not be safe to breathe in.

Okay. Fine.

Then, let's go to my place.

Okay, let's do that.

I... I'm hoping

my roommate isn't here.

She's very monosyllabic.

Okay.

Kit?

Hey, Kirby.

Hey.

- Uh, this is Mike.

- Hi, Kirby.

Mike.

- Um, we were just gonna...

- You want me to...

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Okay. Okay.

This is my boudoir.

Wow.

This is, this is really cool.

Thanks.

So, she's really monosyllabic.

Oh, yeah.

I've never seen her leave the apartment.

I swear to God

she only eats bagels, toasted.

I have to be nice to her, though.

She pays more rent than me.

You want some weed?

Oh no, I'm okay. Thank you.

Okay.

Walk out into velvet

Nothing more to say

You're my favorite moment...

So, here we are.

So, yes. We're here.

'Cause you're my number one

I'm like a dog to get you

I want it up and on

I'm like a dog to get you

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Sunset only seconds

Just ripe, then it's gone

Got no new intentions

Just right, then it's gone

'Cause you're my number one

I'm like a dog to get you

I want it up and on...

Okay, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Did I...

Did I do something or...

No, no you didn't... No, you...

I just... I need to...

I need to pee.

Where's the bathroom?

Hi.

Hi, Mom. I'm home.

Hi, honey.

How was school today?

Kind of a drag.

One of the other kids

called me Dead Dad Mike,

the Fat Fudge Packer,

in front of my US history

and geography class,

and they all laughed at me.

Honey, come here.

What have I always told you?

It's what's on the inside that counts.

Someday you're gonna grow up to be

the best TV journalist in the world.

- Mom.

- I love you so much.

Enjoy yourself.

'Cause you're my number one

I'm like a dog to get you

I want it up and on

I'm like a dog to get you...

You're zipped up.

I'm sorry. I'll get that.

Just... jump.

Here. Oh, God.

- Just lift your butt up.

- I'm trying.

Just, come on.

Please. Let me do it.

Let me do it. Let me do it.

- Okay.

- I know, it sucks.

I want it up and on

I'm like a dog to get you...

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.

- You have nice legs.

- Oh, thank you. I jog.

Yeah, it shows.

Thank you.

Howl under the moon

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Howl...

- No, no. No. Wait.

- Okay. Okay.

Am I... Am I doing something wrong?

I don't...

No, it's just...

You are so confident.

I mean, you just ripped off your clothes

like you're a stripper

at a bachelorette party,

and you look...

- you look incredible.

- No.

And I'm... I'm an FFK.

You don't know what that is, do you?

- No. No.

- I'm a former fat kid.

So I have some body issues.

- Mmm-hmm.

- Especially around this...

Like, I basically shower

with clothes on, so I...

- What?

- Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing.

- I should leave.

- No.

Should I just leave?

I should leave.

Yeah, you should probably...

you should probably go.

Yeah.

It's okay. We don't have

to do anything. We can...

We can just talk.

- Or I can tickle you.

- Stop! Don't do that.

- We can just talk. Yeah.

- We can talk?

- Are you sure?

- Yeah. No pressure.

We can just talk.

We could just lay here and... talk.

- We can talk?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- No pressure.

Okay.

What should we talk about?

Oh, that's a good question.

Um...

When, when did you know you were gay?

- Oh.

- Mmm-hmm.

- Big question.

- God...

Fifth grade.

I was watching

Days of Our Lives with my mother.

Uh-huh.

And she caught me literally

drooling over a shirtless Bo Brady.

Oh!

And it is awkward to realize you're gay

at the same moment

your mother is realizing

- that you're realizing you're gay.

- You were like 12?

Eleven, twelve...

I don't give a... Yeah, she knew.

Oh, my God.

My parents still don't know.

- I mean, I had girlfriends...

- What?

Right up until after college.

- They have no idea.

- No.

Why haven't you told them?

Uh, um...

Because it took a long time

for me to accept it myself, and...

I think it will be tough for them.

And I don't think

I'm ready to tell them. I...

I don't know.

There's a place I dream about

Where the sun never goes out

And the sky is deep and blue

Won't you take me...

This okay?

Yes.

Thank you.

Ooh, we can begin again...

I changed my outfit

seven times before this date.

You always felt

like premium cable to my network sitcom.

- Hi. Good to see you.

- It's good to see you.

- Hi.

- So you must be Michael.

I didn't realize

I was in "must be" territory.

You've already met him, Nina.

Oh, my God. Jock Night.

- Jock Night.

- You are the tall dweeb.

Is that what I'm gonna be called?

No, no, no. Isn't this place beautiful?

- Can you believe that she works here?

- It's quite stunning.

It really is. It's...

It's an atelier.

Ateli... What?

It's... You know what?

It's just a designer showroom.

- Well, it's beautiful.

- But Kit can tell you

all about it when he starts working here.

Yeah, we need someone

to do some photographs for our catalog.

That'd be cool.

Nina loves to taunt me

with false promises of employment...

Can I get anyone a drink?

A Diet Coke?

I feel very seen. Thank you.

So, Michael...

- Yes.

- What is your whole life story?

One sentence. Tell me everything.

Actually, you know what?

Let's make it fun.

Life story. One word. Go.

- Basically...

- "Basically."

Oh, I like that. That is fascinating.

- Okay, you. One word.

- Impatient.

- That actually makes a lot of...

- Hold that thought.

Have you seen the black apple?

Well... I don't know what that means.

- Come. Come, come, come. He'll find us.

- I can't imagine that I have. Okay.

It's... Excuse me.

So, I would say that it blurs the lines

between art and produce,

and that it hearkens back

to the Gilded Age.

There's a certain opulence about it.

That's a very impressive analysis.

He's a real pro.

Yeah, well, it reminds us that sometimes

life is just black and white

and that sometimes

an apple is just an apple and it's good.

- Is this good?

- No, it's terrible.

- It's terrible?

- Yes.

At best, it belongs

in a high-end doctor's office.

Stop. You're being generous.

I could see this

in a low-end dentist's office.

I give you an A for effort. Cheers.

Phew. Thank you.

- I hate that.

- You did very well.

Yeah, you should. It's not good at all.

This is the roof garden.

- Oh, my goodness.

- Isn't it amazing?

Yeah, look at this. It's beautiful.

They all really like you, by the way.

I feel like Nina hates me.

No, no. If she didn't like you,

she'd be much more accommodating.

- I promise.

- Oh, that's good to know.

I love this city.

- Thank you for coming tonight.

- Thank you for having me.

It's a pleasure to have you as my date.

So, um, shall we go

to your place tonight?

The last bus is in like half an hour.

I don't even know if we...

Come on.

We could make that, easy. It'd be fun.

Clearly, you've never been

to Port Authority on a Friday night.

Is there a reason

you don't want me to see your place?

I mean, at first, it was paint fumes,

and now you

hiding a dead body or something? I...

No, no. There's no... That's ridiculous.

The whole idea that I wouldn't want you

to see my place, that's ridiculous.

Okay, then. So?

Okay.

Fine. We'll go to my place.

If that's what you want.

- Oh, it's what I want, Michael.

- Okay, then.

- That's what we'll do.

- Mmm-hmm.

- We'll go to my place.

- Mmm-hmm.

- Now?

- Yeah.

Let's go.

- All right.

- Come on.

Let's go.

And this is the hallway. Just...

Eggshell white on the...

- The wall.

- That's a lovely color.

And, um, here's my door.

This is just your...

all-American, typical door.

And so, um, I guess

I'll just open the door

and we can go inside.

Yep. That's, that's usually

how it works, Michael.

Before we go in, I want to remind you

that your friends said

that they really like me.

Oh, Jesus. Just open the door.

Okay.

I mean, I'm just a person like everybody.

Come on. Let me see your apartment.

Come on.

Okay.

Okay. So, um...

This is where I live.

My apartment.

Home sweet home.

Okay.

Um...

- Oh, you don't want to...

- Oh, my God.

- They're in here, too.

- Go in the bedroom.

Oh, Papa.

What is this, Michael?

They're Smurfs.

Yes, I... I can see that.

Is it... Is it a fetish?

Oh, God, no. This is not a fetish.

No, this is, uh... I guess it's a hobby.

Or... maybe it's a passion.

Uh, I started collecting these

when I was ten.

It was my friend Linda Swzedo's fault.

She got me into them.

She was totally obsessed with them,

and then I became obsessed, too.

Uh, my mother would take me

to Gift Expressions

every Sunday

after I helped her grocery shop,

and she would buy me

a Smurf figurine as a reward.

My favorite was Vanity Smurf,

who I now realize was a total closet case.

Like I was. And then...

I don't know, after my mom died,

I did take a ten-year Smurf sabbatical.

But along came eBay,

and then I just kind of...

all hell broke loose.

I started going to toy shows,

and I went to flea markets.

I was buying and selling and trading...

And I really can't defend this.

Yeah.

I think that they take me back in time.

You know, like...

to before my mom died.

When...

When things were easier.

I think that you can imagine

why I was a little hesitant

to bring you to my apartment.

Say something.

I...

I fooled around with someone.

At the gym last week.

I know that you and I have never had

the "exclusive" conversation, and...

I don't know. I, um...

I feel guilty about it.

Why are you telling me this?

Because I feel guilty about it.

And that's new for me, Michael.

You know, I've never actually had

a real relationship before.

A... boyfriend.

Just a lot of casual hookups.

And, you know, I don't usually want

more than that, but...

If someone gets too attached,

I get out of there, and this...

You...

It scares me.

You scare me, too.

I think you're very cool.

I think your friends are very cool.

And I now know that you go to the gym

for things other than

weight lifting and treadmill.

And I'm worried

that I'm going to fall in love with you

and you're going to break my heart.

That scares me.

I guess we scare each other.

I guess we do.

Smurfgate almost derailed us,

but by Christmas, we were back on track.

Merry Christmas.

How old is this thing?

1960s. So, it's not

exactly your childhood,

but you know...

It's got the wand and the cups

and the lady that you saw in half.

Where did you get it?

Oh, you could buy anything on eBay.

It's really special, Mike.

You'll be happy to know

that I was able to resist

a super rare

Christmas Carol Smurf that was $300.

- Must have taken a lot of self-control.

- It did.

- I love it.

- Good.

Thank you.

- I got you something.

- You did?

Stand up.

Not as good as yours.

Close your eyes.

- Close your eyes.

- Okay.

- You better be very careful.

- I'm gonna be very careful.

- I don't like this at all.

- You're very important to me.

I just don't like

walking blind like this.

Well, okay, I think we've gotten

to the point in our relationship

where you can

trust me a month and a half in.

I do. I just... hate a stubbed toe.

- Your shoulders feel great.

- Oh, thank you.

- Okay.

- Now, you just stay there.

- Okay.

Okay.

- Okay.

- Oh, God.

- Am I going back in the closet?

- Oh, they wouldn't accept you.

That's mean.

- Okay. And...

- Okay.

Open your eyes.

Ta-da!

Your very own closet space.

- Did you, did you make that?

- I did.

You can put your sleep shorts here.

And you can hang your pants on a hanger.

Put them here.

And your wallet and your keys

in the sundries box.

That's where the sundries go.

Merry Christmas.

- You're staring at me.

- Yes.

- I love...

- Love you.

- What the hell?

- Oh.

- That was my line.

- Well, you hesitated.

- You snooze, you lose. You did.

- No. I did not hesitate.

I was giving the words room to breathe.

Well, let the record show

I said it first.

Kit, at the very least,

we've said it at the same time.

- That's not what the record shows.

- I love you.

I love you, too.

Dr. Patel to CCU.

Don't worry.

We're not at the bad part yet.

- How's he doing?

- Good.

He's been dozing in and out.

Are you family?

Oh, uh, no. I'm his boyfriend.

Oh, God.

- Are you gonna get that?

- It's his mother.

He told me to call her

and tell her not to come.

I've never even met the woman.

- Oh.

- Hello?

Hi, Mrs. Cowan.

Yes, this is Michael. Ausiello.

Yes, Kit's doing fine.

Apparently, it was appendicitis,

but he's doing really well now.

Yes, he told me to tell you

there's no need for you to come.

On 10th Avenue.

Between 58th and 59th.

I'll tell him you're coming.

Shit.

I'll be back.

Hey.

How are you feeling?

- Is she coming?

- They're driving overnight.

- Overnight?

- Yeah.

I need you to do me a favor.

- They stay with me when they come.

- Mmm.

I need you to go to my apartment

and clean up.

What do you want?

You mean like make the bed?

No, I need you

to hide anything that looks... gay.

You want me to de-gay

your apartment?

Yes, de-gay my apartment.

My art books, some of my prints,

any suspect clothing lying around.

And you should probably

take down my Christmas gift to you.

Okay.

You're a big baby.

Could be a tell.

Yeah, cover it.

This is a call

A call to all

It goes out to...

I don't know what to do with this.

Put it there.

Yeah, that's not good.

Maybe once a week on Mondays

You should've seen

What I've seen

She doubles up

And comes back Sunday...

And she will come

Into your heart...

What's gay about this sweater?

I'm sorry.

Mom, what are you doing?

Stop creating problems just to fix them.

It is cold outside.

That thing won't keep you warm.

I'm not going onto the streets of New York

wearing a stolen hospital blanket.

- Yes, you are.

- You'll get me arrested, woman.

Yes, you are.

No one will notice.

- Okay, there, there, there.

- There it is.

- Hey. Did you...

- Hey.

Uh, Mom, this is my friend, Michael.

Mike. Uh, you spoke on the phone.

- Ah.

- Mike, this is my mother Marilyn.

- Nice to meet you.

Watch out.

She's in quite a mood.

We're just waiting for the wheelchair,

and then we're getting out of here.

Sure. How are you?

Sore. But, you know, Vicodin is tasty.

Got the extra strength, baby.

So... Mrs. Cowan, how was the drive in?

Terrible. I wanted to take

the first bus from Kutztown,

but, oh, no. Oh, no.

Your father wanted to drive.

He was absolutely insistent.

And, of course, he got completely lost.

We were practically in Buffalo

when he had to turn back around.

Well, I hear

they have some good wings up in Buffalo.

Wings? What do you mean, "wings"?

It's Buffalo wing... chicken wings.

Chicken wings?

Chicken wing... I love chicken wings.

Yeah, you know,

I was just referencing Buffalo wings.

That was good. Love that.

So, um, where is Bob?

Bob? You mean my husband?

Yes.

I'm sorry Where's Mr. Cowan?

He's parking the car.

I warn you right now,

- he is in a terrible mood.

- Yeah.

My dad hates the city with a passion.

Bob. Here we are.

- Ah, there's my ride.

- Christ.

Do you realize

how expensive it is to park in this town?

It is astronomical.

- Hi, Dad.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Hello, Frog Legs. How are you, lad?

Hi. I'm good.

Dad, this is, uh...

this is my friend, Mike.

- Hi.

- Hi. Bob Cowan.

- Nice to meet you, Mark.

- Good... It's... Michael Ausiello.

- It's good to meet you, too, though.

- Michael. Sorry. Yeah.

It's so good to meet

a friend of Kit's, you know.

- Oh, absolutely.

- Yeah. Yeah.

And his dad. It's good to meet his dad.

- Yeah.

- Bob, will you bring the car around?

- We're leaving.

- What?

Christ, I...

Are you kidding, Marilyn?

Bob, get the car. Get the car, Bob.

- I just parked...

- Get the car.

I just...

- Ugh, Marilyn.

- God.

I can't believe

you walked up all those stairs.

We're right at the front door, though.

You need an elevator

in this building,

- for goodness' sake.

- Geez, now, take it easy.

- Too... many steps.

- Hey, Kirby.

Hey.

Uh, you know my mom and dad.

- Hi, Kirby.

- And this is my friend, Mike.

Kirby.

Right.

You know, I'm gonna run

to the restroom. My...

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

I just need to use the... you know.

Two flights of stairs.

- Honestly.

- Oof.

He seems to be

moving around pretty well,

con... considering.

Yeah.

So, you... live in the building?

Uh, no, actually, I... I live in Jersey.

Oh.

But you work close by?

Uh, well, not that close.

I work in Midtown.

Oh.

So, um, Mike?

Yes.

What do you do?

Uh, well, I'm a journalist.

I write about TV.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

How nice.

Do... you watch TV?

Yes.

- Koppel.

- Koppel?

Nightline.

- Oh, sure. Ted. Yeah.

- Yeah.

Do you write about him?

- About Koppel?

- Mmm-hmm.

Uh... No, I don't... I don't think

I've written anything about Ted Koppel.

- No? Maybe you should.

- I think you should.

He's not gonna write

about Ted Koppel, guys.

He writes about big TV shows.

Oh.

Okay.

Mike, did you want to...

Yeah. What if I...

Why don't I go get some lunch

or something? You must be famished.

No, no, no, no, no. I've got that covered.

I... made Kit's favorite chicken soup.

All in the duffel.

Uh...

Thanks.

I guess there's really nothing

for me to go get.

Mmm.

Yeah.

How do you guys know each other?

Um...

I'm gonna...

I'll put that chicken soup in the fridge.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Here we go. I'll be back.

- We met at a bar.

- Really?

You met at a bar?

- Yeah.

- I get that.

It's two guys out, catting around.

Meeting chicks.

You know, a wingman needs a wingman.

- Am I right, Kitty?

- Uh-huh.

Oh, my God.

Um, Bob and I are gonna sleep

on the futon,

so, um, where are the sheets?

- Uh, they're down the hall.

- You know what, I'll go...

I'll get the sheets for you.

So, your friend from the bar

knows where your sheets are?

Yeah, he's crashed here

a few times on the futon,

so he knows where the sheets are.

A friend?

Yeah. A friend.

- Just a friend?

- Yes, Mom. Just a friend.

What is going on here?

Who... Who is this guy?

What's happening? Why is he still here?

I don't understand.

You are acting so weird,

and you don't even

look us in the face...

- You're acting so weird.

- He's my boyfriend, Mom.

- Your boyfriend?

- Yes.

I'm...

I'm gay.

I'm gay, too.

I am also gay.

I am.

Why couldn't you tell me that?

Why did you keep it such a secret?

What, am I some horrible monster?

- You can't say that to me?

- No, Mom.

You have to just hide it all the time?

I didn't know how to tell you.

- I didn't know how you'd react.

- I don't understand

- why you would do that.

- It's not an easy thing to...

talk about. It's not just easy to...

I think it's great, Kit.

I think it's great that you gays...

That you guys have each other and, uh...

We may not look like it,

but we are actually

kind of hip, your mother and I, and...

We were gonna go to Woodstock, you know.

Oh, yeah.

We had the tickets, but we didn't go.

I just don't know

why you wouldn't tell me.

I call you all the time.

I say, "How are you doing?

"What's new? Who are you seeing?"

You could've just said, "You know what,"

- a long time ago.

- It's hard, Marilyn.

- It's hard.

- Like I'm an outsider or something.

Hello, Mike.

Gosh, good to meet you.

It's nice to meet you, too, Marilyn.

Oh, my God.

It wasn't long

after Bob and Marilyn

went back to Millersburg that we moved in

to our first apartment together.

Where should this go?

I don't know.

Where should this go?

That's cold as hell.

- That's so moody.

- Dusty rusty.

And it even had an outdoor space,

which, by New York standards,

made it positively palatial.

Whoa!

Why I didn't put myself together

As soon as you

appeared into my eyes

Being just one step from being well

- Cheers. To us.

- To us.

Never stop believing in Santa Claus

He's alive, of course

Living in the child in every one of us...

Okay. You can come out now.

Ta-da. Our very first Christmas tree.

Decorated by yours truly.

Uh-huh. Yes. It's, um...

- What?

- A lot of tinsel.

There's tinsel on there, yes.

Uh-huh. And I see a Smurf or two.

- There are some Smurfs. Yes.

- Yes, of course. Yes.

And an entire solar system with a star.

That's a pretty star.

- You hate it.

- I don't hate it.

- No, you hate it.

- It's very you.

- Come here. Get down here.

- What are we doing?

Get under the tree.

Is this part of decorating the tree?

- It's part of my tradition.

- Okay.

Every year, when I was young,

I would lay under the tree for hours

listening to my parents

moving around,

getting everything ready for the holidays.

- What?

- Mike.

What?

Your love of Christmas is...

Inspiring?

- Uh, yeah. Yeah, let's...

- It's inspiring.

- Let's go with inspiring.

- It's inspiring. Yeah.

That's what I thought you were gonna say.

I have this fantasy.

Or it's... maybe it's more

like a Christmas wish,

but that, even when I'm older,

I will lie under the tree

like this with my partner,

and we'll just take a moment

to appreciate this beauty.

And even though we're old

and it's getting harder to move

and lying under the tree

really hurt our backs,

we're still grateful

because we have each other.

Well, that's very nice.

- Yeah.

- Hmm.

I have an idea.

We're taking the first annual

Kit and Mike Christmas photo.

You're not so Scrooge-y after all.

- We've got five seconds.

- You are a pro.

Yeah. Yes.

- Smile.

- I am.

Christmas!

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling

Ring-ting-tingling, too...

Years go by pretty quickly

when you count by Christmas trees.

- Michael.

- Yes?

You're drinking Diet Coke

out of a wineglass.

- That's pretty chic.

- Oh, actually,

this is wine in a wineglass, Nina.

Oh, he's already had half a bottle.

- Oh, put a cork in it, Kit.

- Is it... a wine pun?

That accidentally was a wine pun.

Yes, it was.

I'm Nick, by the way.

Uh, Kirby.

Jo.

- Hey.

Are you two a couple?

- Yes.

- Yeah.

Kirby used to be my roommate.

Cheers.

Thanks.

Well, I would like

to make a toast to Michael and Kit.

You guys are such a great couple.

And you've been a huge inspiration to me.

I mean, 13 years.

It's an incredibly long time

for any couple to be together

but especially for a gay couple.

- Mmm.

- Right? I mean, in this day and age,

it's, um, a really special thing.

- I agree. So...

- And, even though

Nick and I have only

been together for...

like, a couple weeks now...

Three weeks, if you count texting.

Right. Three weeks.

Um, I just...

I'm really hoping that we can follow

in your wonderful example

of togetherness.

Okay, I... Obviously, I've not told him.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

What's wrong?

Did I miss something?

- Yes, you did.

- Yeah.

What brings you here?

- Um...

- You want to say that?

Yeah. Uh...

Well, we've... been having a few...

- minor problems.

- Problems. Yeah.

For one thing, our sex life,

uh, leaves a little to be desired.

By which Michael means

his clothes are dead-bolted to his body.

He was on Grindr

during dinner with our friends,

- and everyone saw.

- No one saw.

I was on it for two seconds.

Besides, that's our agreement.

Looking, but no touching.

He is never not stoned.

There's a corner of our bedroom

that has started to look like

the pot version

of Walter White's meth lab.

I ask him to join me, but he refuses.

You might actually enjoy it, Michael.

He always asks me this,

and I always tell him the same thing,

"Thanks, Cherry Garcia. I'm good."

It's Jerry Garcia, not Cherry Garcia.

Cherry Garcia is a flavor of ice cream.

Is that true?

When I first met him,

he only drank Diet Coke,

and now he drinks

a bottle of wine a night.

It relaxes me. It takes the edge off.

I think I've earned that.

By the time we've finished dinner

and started Drag Race,

he's well into his second bottle.

Drag Race is only on Mondays.

It's a Monday show.

While I'm doing my bedtime routine,

he carries on drinking and watching TV.

What he's not telling you is that

his bedtime routine lasts 90 minutes.

- What's he doing?

- It's my alone time.

When Kit and I first started dating,

he didn't even own a television,

and now I feel like

he watches more than I do.

How would you know? You're never home.

He never leaves the office,

which is weird.

And how hard can it possibly be

to recap an episode of Grey's Anatomy?

That is a deceptively complex show.

Have you seen it?

I, I know of it.

He has an insane flirtation

with Tom Daley.

The Olympic diver?

His name's Sebastian,

and he's my coworker.

- Hey, Claire.

- Hi, Michael.

Let me just wrap up

these things, then we can...

I'll do my best.

Thomas Daley, Great Britain.

- 8.5, 8.5...

- They charge by the hour.

I'm gonna go set up an invoice for them.

Hey.

I'm so sorry I missed the reception.

How did it go?

- Yeah. Yeah, it was good.

- Stupid cabbie.

Took the Manhattan Bridge when I told him,

"Take the tunnel."

Well, you should've just taken it home,

because everyone's left already.

I'm sorry.

Why don't you go home and unpack,

and, you know, I'm just gonna stay here.

- You sure?

- Yeah.

I'll see you at home.

Okay. I'll see you later.

Okay, fine.

He's Tom Daley's doppelgänger,

if you want to be technical about it.

Are we not supposed to talk

to each other, Michael?

I don't know

if that's all you're doing is talking.

I don't want to talk about this.

You don't want to talk about anything.

He never talks about anything.

You sure?

You don't want to talk about it?

New Jersey police

recently arrested a man

for bringing a doughnut

filled with Xanax pills

to a local high school student...

Hey, you're still up.

Must have had a lot of cleaning up to do.

Yeah.

Then a few of us went out

for a bite to eat after.

Who all went?

Just the usual suspects.

- Was Sebastian there?

- Yes.

He was. Is that a problem?

I don't know. Is it?

I work with him, Michael.

Am I not allowed to go

to dinner with a coworker?

You know what, let me just... Forget it.

You're just gonna walk off?

That's not fair.

I'm the one that's being blown off,

and you're acting hurt

like you're the victim?

How is that fair?

- I said forget it. It's fine.

- No. It's not fine.

We don't need to

talk about this right now.

We do need to talk about it. There are

a lot of things we need to talk about.

It's not the first time

you haven't been there.

- It's happened a lot.

- And I apologize.

I'm sorry I have deadlines,

but my readers depend upon me.

It's TV, Mike.

You're not saving the world.

- It's not art.

- What do you want me to say, Kit?

That I'm sorry I make money?

I'm sorry I have to travel

- in order to pay our mortgage?

- Okay, Mike.

And while I'm out there

working my ass off,

you're back here

doing God knows what

with Nina and Sebastian,

going to, what, art openings?

Jerking each other off

over stupid side tables?

Yes, that is exactly what I do.

We're just in

very different worlds right now.

Yeah, we're in

very different world right now.

I agree.

So, you want to hear my assessment?

Yes. Absolutely.

I think you guys resent each other.

But you love each other too much

to part ways.

I think you may need to spend time apart

if you really want to come back together.

We're actually

currently living in separate apartments.

- I'm living here.

- And...

I have a place in Brooklyn.

I've been there. It's small.

But nice. But small.

- But nice.

- Nice.

So, you're broken up?

We're taking some time

to figure some things out.

But honestly,

to your wonderful togetherness.

Okay, let's eat.

- You put that down.

- Yes!

- Okay. Now, come back. Come dance.

- Okay. Dancing.

Yes!

Dig

The chills that you spill up my back

Keep me filled

with satisfaction when we're done

Satisfaction of what's to come

I couldn't ask for another

No, I couldn't ask for another

You know that's right

Your groove I do deeply dig

No walls, only the bridge...

Hey, come dance.

Boring.

No, I couldn't ask for another...

- You guys, so fun.

- Thank you.

And I'm taking

a little cake for the road.

- Yes, I see.

- A little cake? Nick, Jesus.

- Just a little.

- A lot of cake.

- I'm so happy to have met you.

- I'm having people over tomorrow.

- You big bitch.

- Sorry.

- Good night.

- So much fun.

- See you soon.

- Seriously, this was so wonderful.

All right, thank you, queens.

- Thank you for being here.

- Bye. I love you.

- Happy holidays.

- Get home safe.

- Love you. Bye, guys.

- Thanks again, really.

Am I taking a cab or...

Bye.

That was a great party, Mike.

It was, right? It was really nice.

You okay?

Yeah. I'm good.

Are you still good

for Tony on Wednesday?

- Yeah, of course.

- Okay.

Did you want me to stay and help you

- with the cleaning and the...

- Oh, no. God, no. Please.

Thank you, though.

- Okay.

Kit, what is going on?

Are you all right?

There's something not right with my ass.

It feels like I've got

a golf ball lodged up there.

- A golf ball?

- Yeah.

It's probably just

a hemorrhoid or something.

Come down off the ledge, Mike.

I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow.

I've booked an appointment.

Will you tell me what they say?

Of course.

Thank you.

Okay.

- Okay, bye!

- Bye!

Be safe.

I will.

Merry Christmas.

Okay.

- Michael.

- Kelly.

- It's so good to see you.

- It's so good to see you, too.

Thank you for coming here today.

- Absolutely.

- Yes. Really appreciate it.

Congrats on the launch of TVLine.

Oh. Thank you.

You look incredible, by the way.

Thank you.

You... Ooh. Kelly.

I need to take this

real quick before we start.

- Okay.

- I'm sorry about that.

- I'll be right back.

- Okay, cool.

Hey. What happened?

They found a growth.

Wait... What do you mean?

They found a growth in my butt.

But the doctor said

there are a hundred things

it could be besides cancer.

I'm having it biopsied on Friday.

Please, don't worry about it, Michael,

I'm not.

I got to go.

I've got to get on the subway.

Kit, wait.

So, Michael, how was school today?

It was okay.

We had to pick teams in gym class,

and they picked me last.

- Are you okay, Mom?

- Totally fine.

I just need to make

an appointment with the doctor.

Yes. Okay, Doctor. Yes.

Thank you, Doctor.

I'll look at the test results.

Hey, turd ball,

there's a matter baby on your chair.

What's a matter baby?

Nothing.

What's the matter with you, baby?

Confirm your name

and birth date for me, please.

Christopher Cowan. December 23, 1972.

Allergies?

Hot yoga, shareable plates.

Penicillin.

And what's your relationship

to the patient?

The plan is to get in there

and take a piece of it

and send it of for testing.

There's a chance that you'll go in,

you'll find out it's nothing,

- and then we'll just move on from...

- Michael, relax. Everything's fine.

I'm gonna be fine, okay?

I'll come out

and talk to you right after I'm done.

Michael?

I'm concerned about Christopher.

The growth was a lot bigger

than I anticipated.

So it's cancer?

It's basically...

It's definitely cancer?

We won't know

until the results come back,

but whatever it is,

I promise you we'll treat it.

Oh, my God.

Where's my camera?

It's probably in Brooklyn.

We're missing Drag Race.

It's Wednesday, Kit.

Okay. Look, I want you

to stay with me for a couple of days.

You can stay here. I want you to.

Obviously. I live with you, Mike.

Actually, you don't.

Hey, Michael. How you doing?

- Hi, Paige. How are you?

- Good, good.

All right, so you have

a quick window with Candace

before they set up

for the next shot. That's fine.

- Thank you very much.

- Let me go grab her.

There she is.

Hey, Candace.

We're all ready for you.

Come on over.

This way.

Think he's waiting for you,

and you have a very limited

amount of time.

Thank you so much. Hi, Michael.

- Hey, Candace.

- We've got literally five minutes.

- Great. Okay.

- Thank you.

- Hi, Dylan.

- Hi.

- Okay.

Hey, honey, I'm cancer.

I mean, I'm home.

That's not funny, Kit.

Yeah, I know.

Hey.

- Hi.

- What are you doing?

Did you google it?

Of course I googled it.

- I asked you not to, Mike.

- Well...

The Internet just tells you

you're gonna die.

And you're not a doctor,

so you won't understand anyway.

This isn't exactly

my first run-in with cancer, Kit.

Exactly. I don't want this

to freak you out.

And I don't want to jump to conclusions,

so please, hold off.

I found the names of who are apparently

the best oncologists in New York,

and I already made appointments with them.

- They're for next week.

- I don't want to drag you through this.

We don't even know

where we are right now...

I don't care

where we are right now.

I'm not letting you go through this alone.

You don't get a choice in that matter.

And you should stay here this week.

All these doctors are in Manhattan.

Perfectly healthy people

have died waiting on the L Train.

I'm scared.

I'm scared, too.

Generally speaking,

rectal cancer is fairly common

and highly treatable.

Christopher, I was telling

your brother when...

No, no, no. I'm not his brother.

Oh, sorry.

Uh, there are multiple nodules

adjacent to the inferior rectum

which are presumably related

to the neuroendocrine tumor

that was biopsied.

Well, you sound optimistic.

There's definitely room

for optimism here.

With a neuroendocrine tumor,

particularly with what I see

in the pathology report,

it's very amenable to therapy.

So this is not one of

the more aggressive ones?

Correct.

Neuroendocrine tumors are not aggressive.

So, take a deep breath.

It was beginning to seem like

we might dodge

a worst-case cancer diagnosis.

And as if to seal the deal,

our final doctor looked like

she stepped straight out

of hair and makeup

and onto the set of a TV show.

A good one.

I was in love with her.

Until she opened her mouth.

You have an extremely aggressive form

of neuroendocrine cancer.

Your tumor is what we call high-grade.

I'm sorry, what?

If you decide to get your treatment here,

I would like to start as soon as possible.

The other doctors that we talked to,

they said that

this wasn't the aggressive kind.

And they're wrong.

And his is already

at a very advanced stage.

What stage are we talking?

Stage four.

I'm sorry.

How soon should he start treatment?

Ideally, Monday, uh,

he would start chemotherapy.

I need a minute.

This good?

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

What are you gonna get?

What I always get.

Okay.

Here you go. You ready?

Yeah. I'll do the steak tacos.

- Okay.

- Can I get a Diet Coke, please?

- Sure.

- Thank you.

Ooh...

Have you talked to your mom lately?

- No.

- Because she keeps calling me.

And I'm running out of excuses

of where you are

and why you can't talk to her.

And I think she's getting worried.

She doesn't even know

we're not living together.

I think maybe we should

drive down there this weekend.

I'm not ready to tell them.

I think we have to.

I love this song.

What?

You're looking at me.

Lay me down

Lay me down.

Mom.

- Ah! They're here.

- Hi.

Hi.

Yay!

- Hi, Marilyn. Hi.

- Hi, Michael. Hi.

- It's good to see you.

- Oh, come in, come in.

- How was the drive?

- Oh, it was good.

- Yeah, it was fine.

- You know, long as usual,

- but I like making it.

- Mom.

- Your hair, it's nice.

- Oh!

- It got so gray. I don't know.

- It's got volume and bounce.

- It's pretty.

- Do you think

- I should color it?

- No, I love the color.

It's beautiful.

Something smells delicious.

Don't you touch that!

I'm cooking something.

- Wait. Wait. Bob!

- Okay.

The boys are here!

- I'm coming!

- Come...

Come grab their bags, will you?

I'm just gonna take the bag.

It's fine.

You boys must be starving.

Are you starving?

- I'm okay.

- I can make you snacks.

No, I was just checking the fridge.

We got some sandwiches

at the gas station, so...

- From a gas station?

- They were fine.

You can't eat sandwiches

that come from a gas station.

We didn't want to spend

much time in the...

- It was easy.

- Oh, for... Bob!

- Come on and get their bags!

- Mom.

- Come on. They're here.

- I'm coming, Mare!

He hears you. He's coming.

Why didn't you just give me

some time to clean up?

- You say you're on your way.

- It's clean.

You just have to give me just a little bit

- of notice, you know.

- It's fine.

Well, look what

the cat dragged in.

- Hello, you handsome devil.

- Hey, Dad.

Hi, Kitty. How are you?

How are you?

- Good to see you.

- How are you? Good to see you.

- Hey, Bob.

- Equally handsome devil.

- Thank you very much.

- Hello!

- Michael, I love this coat.

- Thank you.

Is it camel hair? Because I'm hearing

that camel hair is very...

is big this season.

- I think it...

- Camel hair?

You wouldn't know camel hair

from a hole in the ground.

- I have some style.

- What do you mean, camel hair?

- You do, Bob. You have style.

- Style?

- Thank you, Michael.

- Look at you. My God.

- And you wear it well.

- Totally cisgender.

Dad, let me help you with those bags.

The last coat you got was from JCPenney,

for goodness' sakes.

Like, a camera situated

right on the runway.

See? You can see there.

And then...

I mean, you can just watch planes

take off and land all day long.

- Oh, look at that.

- Which he does.

- Mare, I do not.

- You do, too.

Well, I mean, it is in real time.

Look, it's... the little Cessna CTT.

- Very nice.

- Hold out... Hold out your arm.

He's not high-style

like a... like a Learjet.

- You're knitting me a sweater.

- Right.

Last week was this great,

big race in Toledo.

Which is a really nice town.

I'd never been before.

It's known for glass factories,

but who knows if that's actually true?

Listen, you boys should come one year.

It's so much fun.

- They take over the whole town, too.

- We take over the whole town.

- Go ahead, Mare.

- Anyway, this woman I know,

Trish O'Neil,

who won the race,

she's in my age-group, but...

- Wins races all the time.

- So, the race starts.

I saw her for the first

five miles of the bike ride,

'cause she and I

were riding fairly close together.

And then after that,

she just kind of disappears.

I don't see her

the whole rest of the race.

Did you like the rosé, Michael? Is it...

- Oh, yes, I love this.

- Good.

I love all rosé,

but this is very good.

Last mile of the race...

Da-dum! She reappears.

- She cheated.

- You know, with not one single

drop of sweat on her,

she just trots across the finish line,

- the winner!

- Yeah.

And we were all very upset.

So...

You know what, we have been talking

- a blue streak...

- No.

Ever since you guys got here.

- Yeah, so... so...

- Wonderful.

Honestly, what's going on with you guys?

Um...

I don't know where to start.

Uh, about

two or three months ago,

I started experiencing a lot of pain

when going to the bathroom...

And...

We thought

there were a lot of things it could be.

How many doctors have you seen?

We saw three.

It was the longest

20 minutes of my life.

I'll never forget how brave

you were telling them.

Obviously, you're gonna fight it.

And you'll beat it.

Yeah.

Who wants cake? It's flourless.

I'd love cake.

- Here, let me do it. It's all right.

- Thank you.

I'll just... Okay.

Here.

I didn't sleep

one wink last night.

Not one single wink.

Everything kept rolling around in my head.

- Just racing around and around.

- I felt the same.

I kept thinking about Trish.

Oh.

- Right.

- I mean, it's just so insulting.

- Right.

- Like a...

like a big middle finger

to the rest of us.

I mean, there we are,

pushing ourselves

as hard as we can,

and honestly...

Honestly, for what?

For what?

I don't know. For what?

Just to see if we can.

- Oh, sure. Yeah, that.

- If we can do it.

I mean, there's no glory in it.

There's certainly no money in it.

It's killing my knees.

But I just do it.

Well, you should

take it easy on your knees.

And then someone

like Trish shows up,

who hasn't got a clue. She...

Honestly, what race

does she think she's running?

She thinks

she can just bypass all the hard parts?

Well, you can't.

You have to run the race in front of you,

because that's all there is.

- Marilyn, do you want to...

- You do the best you can.

But she thinks...

She thinks you can cheat all of that.

And I'm here to tell you,

if you cheat, you're going to get caught.

I'm not gonna sit around

and let her get away with it.

No, siree, bobtail.

So, how big is your freezer exactly?

I mean, is it the kind

with the drawer that pulls out,

or with the skinny door on the side?

Oh, we have

the drawer that pulls out.

Good. Good.

I'm thinking I'm gonna make

a whole lot of soup for the both of you.

- And I'll...

- Oh.

I'll send it to you,

and you can freeze it.

I'm sure FedEx does that kind of thing.

That's very nice of you. Thank you.

He needs to keep eating, Michael.

- Yes, definitely. He does.

- And so do you.

Yeah.

Hi, Mom. I'm home.

Mom? Mom?

Mom?

Previously on Dawn to Dusk...

Apologies for the wait.

Uh, how was your commute today?

Uh, it was fine.

We just came from downtown.

All right. Christopher, you are all set.

So, today you'll be getting

your first cycle of cisplatin

- and etoposide.

- What is this?

It's an infusion chair.

No, no, no, no, no.

We were promised a bed.

The recliners go all the way back.

They're really comfortable.

- Mike, it's fine. It's fine.

- No, it's not fine.

He can't sit for four hours.

It's excruciatingly painful.

- He needs a bed. We were promised a bed.

- Michael.

I'm so sorry,

but we don't have any beds today.

- Okay. This is not...

- It's okay. It's fine.

Thanks.

I'll just sit on my side,

or I can... It'll be all right.

You're not gonna sit

on your side the whole time.

Don't sit.

Hey.

Give my husband a bed.

Sir, I'm afraid we don't...

He has a rectal tumor

the size of the Death Star.

He needs a bed.

We were promised a bed.

All the beds are occupied, sir.

I don't care where

you have to go and find one!

I don't care if you

have to drive to IKEA and buy one.

I don't care if you have

to go to Jennifer Convertibles!

Give my husband a bed!

Okay, sir.

Okay.

We'll find your husband a bed.

Thank you.

Well, that was Oscar-worthy.

It worked for Shirley MacLaine.

I think the "husband" detail

really swung it for you.

Well, "boyfriend"

didn't seem dramatic enough.

- Is this how you are at work?

- I'm a top at work.

Michael.

Well, thank you.

Mike.

What do you need? What's wrong?

What are you doing?

No.

Kit. Oh, my God.

Look at that.

- It's happening.

Wish I could write songs about

Anything other than death

But I can't go to bed

without drawing the red

Shaving off breaths...

I'm afraid the news isn't good.

Your body isn't responding to the chemo.

The tumor has grown.

And we also found

nodules in the pelvic region.

Kit. You... Oh, my God.

What... Are you okay?

Jesus Christ. Kit.

Here. Here. Here. Here.

Take it. Hold that. There you go.

Breathe, baby.

Just breathe. Just breathe.

Breathe.

It's passing.

- It's passing?

- Yeah.

Whenever I'm alone with you can't talk

Isn't this weather nice?

Are you okay?

Should I go somewhere else

and hide my face?

A sprinter learning to wait

A marathon runner

my ankles are sprained

A marathon runner

my ankles are sprained

We're gonna stop chemo.

Take a short break in your treatment

so you have time

to get your strength back.

Then we'll start a course of radiation.

Five days a week.

It's proven effective in some cases.

It could buy us some time.

- Hey.

- Sebastian! Hey.

I invited some people from work.

Oh, thanks.

- You're all my legendary children.

- Yas, queen.

She's so pretty.

- But there's room for just one inductee.

- Here we go.

Down in the valley

The first of May

Nice.

Gathering flowers

Both fresh and gay...

Does this mean a drive-in?

Okay.

Give me my bag. I'll take it.

- Somebody get the gate this time.

- Come on.

This is lovely.

Okay.

- Oh, my goodness.

- Beautiful.

Really lovely. My, my.

It's down at the end.

- Okay. I see it.

- Bob!

- What?

- Slow down.

- This is it.

- Is this ours?

Yes,

and we're right next to you.

- Guys...

- Who's got the key?

You don't need a key.

I think it's supposed to be open.

That seems dangerous.

Okay.

No, I do not have the strength

to carry you across this threshold.

I'd like to be picked up.

So, we're gonna see

you guys soon, right?

- Yes.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- It's... Wow.

Pink flamingos.

I put my hand in

Right?

Into the bush

Finding the sweetest

Sweetest rose

I pricked my finger

Deep to the line

And left the sweetest rose

Sweetest rose behind

Don't you...

We're here in beautiful

Ocean City, New Jersey,

with the folks.

This is my mother Marilyn,

with her 40 library books.

- And my knitting.

- And her knitting.

Marilyn, wave to the camera.

- And we have my dad.

- Hi, Bob.

Bob, grand master of mah-jongg.

Did you wave, Bob?

- Big wave.

- Mmm-hmm.

That's it. Here we are.

Oh, yes, bubbles.

That's what the people want.

It's what the people

are gonna get.

Hopefully.

- Huh. Could be better.

- Not bad.

Well, bubbles are finicky.

She sailed as deep as

deep as she could be

- Okay, bye.

Don't you

Break my heart

I will delete it, Michael.

Okay, bye.

Thousands and thousands

All on this Earth

Thank you for booking this.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Hello.

Hello. What a morning, huh?

Right?

How did you ever find this place?

I've been here before.

My family, we used to

take vacations here when I was a kid.

Thank you for inviting us.

No, no. It was Kit's idea.

He wanted you here.

I was vehemently opposed to it.

You brat.

I have a headache.

We found a number of nodules on the brain.

Several of them located

near the brain stem,

which is likely what's been

causing your headaches.

How big are they?

Well, they're small,

but there are a lot of them.

And your primary tumor

has been growing again.

- How long?

- We don't like to predict these things.

Six weeks? Six months?

More than six weeks.

I've been feeling so much better.

The radiation bought you some time.

At this point, all we can do

is address your symptoms

and manage your pain.

I'm so sorry, Kit.

There are still options here.

There's this targeted treatment.

It's for NETs.

It's being developed in Germany,

and I can't remember what it's called.

- Michael.

- "Affinator" or "Afinator" or something.

- Michael.

- But I just... It blocks...

I think a protein signaling

pathway that's in the...

- It can malfunction...

- Really? Germany?

And leads to greater tumor growth

or something.

I'm telling you that there are still

experimental things going on out there.

There was somebody

I read about who's from Italy.

- Michael, stop. Stop.

- He had a doctor...

It's everywhere.

It's in my brain.

And actually, I'm relieved.

I know where I stand now.

Come on.

Are you...

Are you afraid to die?

I'm afraid

of what the end looks like, but...

Am I afraid of dying?

No.

I've had a great life, Mike.

And I want you to be happy, too.

That includes meeting someone.

No. Please don't do...

I really appreciate that,

but I can't talk about that right now.

Okay.

Did you have sex with Sebastian?

Yes.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry that I made you carry

so much of my baggage for so many years

and making you feel like

the bad guy so many times

when you didn't deserve to.

I'm sorry I never told you

how good your ass looks

in your khaki pants.

'Cause it does.

And I couldn't do it

'cause I was afraid

if you understood

how beautiful you are

that you'd leave me.

And I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you.

I would like to try some of this pot.

Oh, my God.

Don't laugh. I'm not kidding.

If I don't try pot with you...

Okay.

I can't believe it.

- Okay, take this. I can...

- That's the pot?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- No. Other end. You...

- Oh.

- Gonna eat it.

- Jesus.

That's right.

Now...

Have a hit.

Oh, wow.

Oh, God.

It hurts.

Have some...

Take a sip. Take a sip.

Okay.

I don't feel it.

It's not working.

Well, try again.

Have a... Have another hit.

- Okay.

- You can do it.

Hold, hold, hold.

Exhale.

Exhale my smoke.

So?

I don't know.

- Mmm...

- Oh?

- Maybe I feel...

- Oh...

I don't know.

Welcome to the Stoners Club,

Michael Ausiello.

We've been waiting for you

for a long time.

And now you know how...

Cherry Garcia feels.

Let's get married, Mike.

- Are you joking?

- No, I want to.

We've been through so much.

We're about to go through more.

I want to be your husband.

You're calling me chattel.

- That's what you said.

- Michael.

- Chattel.

- Will you marry me?

Oh, my God.

No rush, Mike, but I feel obliged

to tell you that I'm dying here.

Yes. Yes.

They here? You see them?

- Hi!

- Hi.

Look at these grooms. Gorgeous.

- Oh, my goodness.

- Oh, my God.

- You look great.

- Oh, my God!

Hey, get out of my shot!

What are you doing?

Cut! All right,

everybody cut! Cut!

Look at this. You look great.

- Okay.

- You okay?

Yeah. Yes.

- You excited?

- Yes.

All electronic devices

in the bin.

What's that writing on your shelf...

Mike, come see this.

Look how pretty this is.

- We're walking fast.

- Yes.

In the bathrooms

and the bad motels...

- Hello. Hi.

- Hi.

- How can I help you?

- So, that is our marriage certificate.

- Oh, marriage certificate.

- And his birth certificate.

Sign... I've got a pen.

I brought one with me. Yes.

- Thank you.

- Sign right here.

Congratulations on your marriage.

It pulls all on down my sore feet...

Do you, Christopher "Cowhan,"

solemnly declare Michael "Auswello"

to be your husband?

I do.

Do you promise to love, honor

and keep him for as long

as you both shall live?

I do.

Do you, Michael Auswe...

"Auswello"...

- Ausiello.

- Solemnly declare

Christopher "Cowhan"

to be your husband?

I do.

Do you promise to love, honor

and keep him for as long

as you both shall live?

I do.

By the power vested in me

by the great state of New York,

I now pronounce you married.

You may seal your vows with a kiss.

Oh, gotta see

Gotta know right now...

It isn't anything at all...

We have news,

and, and this time, it's good.

- Okay.

- -Uh, Mike and I got married.

What?

Oh, wow. Tell me everything.

- Uh. Yeah. We decided last night.

- It was quick.

Bob, the boys got married.

That's incredible.

Congratulations!

We got

one last Christmas together.

- Hey.

- Here. Let me take the bags.

- Yes. Yes.

- Where is he? Where is he?

- Hi, Mom. Dad.

Hi, honey. Hi. Hi.

- Merry Christmas.

- How you doing?

- Hi.

- I'm good.

- Hey, Dad.

Everything will fall right into place

When we die some sink and some lay

But at least I don't see you float away...

Some tissue paper.

- It's for the tree.

- A bird.

- Oh.

- Oh, that is sweet.

It's a partridge in a pear tree.

- It's beautiful.

- I'm gonna hang this up right now.

Bob, sing the song.

- Come on. Here we go.

- Bob, don't you dare.

- Bob.

- Michael says...

- Bob, sing us a little...

- Michael doesn't know, Bob.

No, sing the song, Bob.

And we watched

our favorite show, Drag Race.

RuPaul's holiday spectacular.

Somebody said you got a new friend

Does she love you better than I can?

It's a big black sky over my town

I know where you at

I bet she's around

Yeah, I know it's stupid

I just gotta see it for myself

I'm in the corner watching you kiss her

Michael.

Oh

I keep dancing on my own

Hi.

Hey.

Kit. Hey.

- You have a visitor.

- Who?

Oh.

Sebastian.

Hi.

I'm gonna

go get a Diet Coke, if you want to come.

- Yeah, okay.

- You come and get some coffee?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Could you hold that for me?

Thank you.

Hi.

Thank you for letting me see him.

How long does he have?

Couple of hours.

Maybe more, maybe less.

He can hear you.

Talk to him.

Tell him you love him.

Assure him you'll be okay without him.

I'm so sorry.

I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love you.

I will forever and ever.

Don't be scared, sweetie pie.

Don't be scared.

We're all here.

Kitty.

You go whenever you need to, son.

We'll be okay.

Yeah, we'll be okay.

We'll be okay.

And cut. That's cut, everybody.

Let's take five.

Okay. That felt good, right?

- Yeah.

- Nice.

Can I get my sides?

What if this

didn't have to happen?

- Sorry. Thanks.

- Yeah.

What if this were just

a scene from our story?

- Reset!

- Resetting.

A scene from

the TV show of our life.

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

How amazing would that be?

If none of this was real.

If I could just go back

to being a TV journalist

and you could be

an actor on a show.

Excuse me, Kit. Excuse me.

Hey. Can I help you?

Yes, I'm Michael Ausiello with TVLine.

I know you're super busy,

but I was wondering

if you wouldn't

mind answering a few quick questions.

- Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

- Great.

Hey, Kit, we need last looks.

Oh, um...

I'd love to stay and talk,

but it looks like I've... I got to...

Oh, gosh. If you don't mind,

I'd really like to get

your feelings,

your thoughts on a couple of things.

Hey, Kit. They're calling for you.

Please, this won't take long. I promise.

I just really need a moment with him.

- Okay? Okay?

- It's okay. It's fine.

- Okay.

- It's fine.

- Go ahead.

- First question,

your character on the show

has been very popular,

and everyone hates

to see you go, so what is next for you?

I... I don't know. Um...

There are a lot of

possibilities out there, so...

I don't know what's next for me, honestly.

Um... You know, it's strange.

Uh...

Everyone will still be here,

and I'll be... gone.

And how do you feel right now?

Ooh. Uh, great question.

I guess I feel like I'll...

miss this.

I'll miss this a lot.

Camera's ready.

Kit, we really got to go.

No. Please, one more second.

Just one more.

- Just one question.

- Shoot. Go ahead.

What about me, Kit?

What should I do next?

You'll know.

Okay, we're back in.

Okay. Got it. I'm coming.

So, have you got

everything you need?

You're gonna be okay.

Yeah.

I'm gonna be okay.

It's gonna be incredibly hard,

but I'm gonna be okay.

Thank you for the past 13 years.

Thank you for giving me a family.

Thank you for loving me.

Kit.

You can go now.

I was always afraid

Kit would break my heart.

And eventually, he did.

But not in the way I feared he would.

He broke it open in a way that

somehow made room for even more love,

both to receive and to give.

And so, I hope that you'll understand me

when I say that this ride

with Kit was, to me, a gift.

It was the greatest honor

I believe I will ever have

to have been

by his side for it all.

Okay. Hey, Marilyn.

I need to breathe.

It's a car.

Oh, God.

I think he would've liked your eulogy.

I think he would've thought

it was too long.

Well, probably.

What are you gonna do next?

I mean, besides...

triathlons.

I've never been to Spain,

and I always...

I always wanted to see

that funny-looking museum.

- The Guggenheim in Bilbao?

- Yes. Yes.

Yes, that's funny.

In the pictures, it looks like a big ship.

It does look like a ship.

- Do you think?

- Yeah, it does.

I don't know,

I'd just like to get away for a while.

That sounds really nice.

New scenery to run in.

Oh.

Yeah, all the running

stays the same if my knees hold on.

- Race you to the house.

- Okay.

The hardest thing

about a story ending

is that you have to say goodbye

to your favorite characters.

To your favorite people.

A good TV show can make real life

seem like it makes sense.

And a good ending

can feel like the end of one thing

and the beginning of another.

Sometimes the hero dies.

Sometimes we only get 14 Christmas trees

when we thought we'd have 40.

And then an old friend reminded me

that sometimes the main character

has to take a leap of faith

that involves packing a suitcase

and traveling across the country.

I don't know.

Maybe that's too on the nose.

- Hi.

- Where we going?

Uh, JFK.

Where you off to?

Los Angeles.

Oof.

That 405, man.

That thing takes no prisoners, huh?

I wanted our story

to be a picture-perfect,

happy-ending love story.

But what we got was a real love story.

I'm ready.

I'll just shut up now.

Don't you

Break my heart

Don't you

Break my heart

I put my hand in

Into the bush

Finding the sweetest

Sweetest rose

Saw a ship sailing

On the big blue sea

She sailed as deep as

Deep as she could be

But not so deep in

In love as I am

I cannot whether I

I sink or swim

Don't you

Break my heart

Oh, that's why

I wanted my camera.

What?

I thought it looked

like the sun.

Don't you...

These bubbles are very finicky.

- Bye.

Bye, now.

Don't you

Break my heart

Don't you

Break my heart

Thousands and thousands

All on this Earth

Spoiler Alert (2022) - full transcript