Splitz (1982) - full transcript

(multicom jingle)

(mysterious music)

- [Chuck] Walk proudly, all ye
who pass through these gates

for these are the gates of knowledge.

They may lead to virtue or vice,

to happiness or misery,

success or failure.

Or, as in this particular case,

to corruption,

to senseless random acts of violence,

to vile and diseased sexual perversities,



to nubile young bodies locked

in the fervent pursuit of knowledge,

stripping away the final
vestiges of ignorance.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

These are the rewards of higher education,

the very backbone of our society.

So walk proudly all ye who
pass through these gates,

for beyond them,

a man may learn how little other men know.

♪ Busy in the morning ♪

♪ Busy all day ♪

♪ Got so much to do and no time to play ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy,
busy boy, runnin' around ♪



♪ He's such a busy boy, busy
boy, can't settle down ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy,
busy boy, he's coming down ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy,
spreadin' joy all over town ♪

♪ And I'm all dizzy just wonderin' is he ♪

♪ Ever gonna ♪

♪ Ever gonna miss me ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Now he's passin' right by my door ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ All the kids are laughin' ♪

♪ I'm the girlfriend
he's supposed to adore ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy,
busy boy, runnin' around ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy, busy
boy, can't settle down ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy,
busy boy, he's coming down ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy,
spreadin' joy all over time ♪

♪ And I'm all dizzy just wonderin' is he ♪

♪ Ever gonna miss me, just
find the time to kiss me ♪

♪ We never make affection,
as time goes passin' ♪

♪ I'm gonna be too busy for you ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy, busy boy ♪

♪ Oh, he's such a busy boy, busy boy ♪

♪ Oh, he's such a busy boy, busy boy ♪

♪ Oh, he's such a busy boy, busy boy ♪

♪ Oh, he's such a busy boy, busy boy ♪

♪ Oh, he's such a busy boy, busy boy ♪

- So after carefully
weighing the pros and cons

that higher education had to offer me,

I realized that a degree in
sociology with an emphasis on

premenstrual activities
of Aboriginal tribes women

could pose a problem when it
came to finding a real job.

That's when I decided to
become a rock and roll manager.

Hey, my parents always told me,

you gotta have something
solid to fall back on.

(knocking)

Uh, Tweeter?

("Hully Gully" by The Olympics)

♪ Well ♪

♪ I went to a party now ♪

♪ And what did they do ♪

♪ Hully ♪

♪ Hully gully ♪

- Paul!

- Man, don't strain your cords.

The Tweeter hears all.

My ears are sensitive instruments, Duck.

- Uh, it's Chuck.

- Say, I wish you luck, too.

- Yeah.

Uh, listen uh, Tweeter?

I was told that uh,

you were the man to see about--

- Hey, hey, hey.

Say no more.

It's ESP time.

Let me just tune in.

Now, you...

You manage a band.

Am I right so far?

And uh...

You're looking to get 'em some work.

(Tweeter laughing)

Listen, Puck, you came to the right place.

I record the sounds, I
make the connections.

I got a pilot tape in here somewhere.

I got a bootleg tape in here
on the Strawberry Alarm Clock

jammin' with Jerry Vale.

Have you got any idea
how much that's worth?

- Listen, Tweeter, um, about my band,

they're three girls,
they're called The Splitz.

- Listen, everything's gonna be sweet,

'cause you came to the Tweet.

I can make you big!

(twinkling music)

- Hello, all your fame fans.

We're backstage with The Splitz.

Just another college rock
and roll band with a dream.

But all that could change
tonight, because tonight,

these girls will be appearing

at that marvelous new hot spot...

Hey Joan, where'd Chuck
say he booked us at?

- He hasn't said.

If he doesn't get here soon,

he'll be booking me, all right.

On manslaughter.

- Hmm, well, yes, ladies and gentlemen,

as you can see, the
atmosphere here is charged,

mostly because the girls
couldn't afford cash.

Well, why don't we talk to
the drummer of the band?

How about that, folks?

What are you reading, Susie?

"You Are What You Chew"?

When are you gonna give up
on this health food bullshit?

- Look, I happen to believe
my body is a sacred temple.

- Gina's body is more
like the corner store.

Open 24 hours.

- Well, at least mine's
not a drive through, honey.

- Rawr.

- Hey, Chuck!
- Hey, Chuckie!

- Hold your applause.

(girls cheering)

Come on, I'm not ticklish.

I'm not ticklish, come on.

Come on, come on, sit down, sit down.

Cool-cool your jets, cool your jets.

I got good news!

Good news.

I got the job.

- All right!
- Yay!

- This could be the big
break we've been hoping for.

- Break, schmake.

I was hoping for roadies.

- I-I realize that things have not gone

exactly according to
plan in the recent past.

- Oh, you mean like that
supermarket you booked us for?

- The opening act for their
new three-ply toilet paper?

- Okay, okay, okay.

But the important thing is tonight,

because tonight, you're gonna
be up there on that stage.

Tonight, you're going to be up there

mesmerizing the audience with your sound,

with your sensuality.

Ladies, tonight...

The world will be yours.

You'll see.

You'll see.

♪ I'm the one who ♪

(rock music)

♪ You, my love, have given me everything ♪

♪ And you, my love, are diamonds to me ♪

♪ But you, my love, have held
back that special thing ♪

♪ That makes lovin' so real ♪

♪ Am I askin' for too much ♪

♪ Am I reachin' for stars in the sky ♪

♪ Am I askin' for too much ♪

♪ Am I reachin' too high for your love ♪

- [Chuck] Oh yeah, the joint was jumpin'.

The girls were hot, and
the crowd loved them.

I started to imagine what
it was going to be like;

Record deals, concert
tours, and dare I say it?

MTV!

I could just see myself
riding the rails of success,

buried in cash.

Then, pretty soon,

I began to see myself
just buried, you know?

♪ Am I askin' for too much ♪

♪ Am I reachin' too high for your love ♪

- Excuse me, um...

Where's the, uh, rem's moom?

The mem's...

The men's--
(knife scraping)

(knife thudding)

Thanks.

(parrot squawking)

(wood breaking)

- [Bald Man] Give me a beer, stupid.

- [Parrot] Ooh, Heineken.

(parrot squawking)

♪ My flesh and fire were starved ♪

♪ But these sensations are
nothing more than skin deep ♪

♪ I want what's in your heart ♪

♪ Am I askin' for too much ♪

♪ Am I reachin' for stars in the sky ♪

♪ Am I askin' for too much ♪

♪ Am I reachin' too high for your love ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ You, my love, have given me everything ♪

♪ You, my love, are diamonds to me ♪

♪ But you, my love, have held
back that special thing ♪

♪ That makes lovin' so real ♪

♪ Am I askin' for too much ♪

♪ Am I reachin' for stars in the sky ♪

♪ Am I askin' for too much ♪

♪ Am I reachin' for stars in the sky ♪

♪ Am I askin' for too much ♪

(Chuck groaning)

♪ Am I reachin' for stars in the sky ♪

♪ Am I askin' for too
much, am I askin' for ♪

♪ Am I reachin' for stars in the sky ♪

- Hey, uh, who's your friend, Susie?

I don't recognize the species
but I think it likes you.

- Some guy named Warwick from psych class.

What's he doing here?

(wood breaking)

- Decoratin', for one thing.

(plaster clattering)

Wait, he's trying, he's
trying to communicate.

Three words.

First word...

Sounds like snot?

Hot, he's hot for you.

He'd do anything for you.

Damn, I didn't know bulldozers
even had mating seasons.

Wait, he's getting up.

It's coming closer.

It's opening its mouth.

- Hey Susie, want to go to
the World Series with me?

I got tickets.

My treat.

Susie?

- What can make a person behave this way?

- Susie, let me take you
away from all of this.

(growling)

Where's that peckerhead manager of yours?

- Warwick, if we get to him before you do,

there's not gonna be
nothing left you to break.

(door breaking)

(zipper zipping)

(toilet flushing)

- Warwick?

Oh.

I'm glad to see it's you,

and not one of those
dangerous animals out there.

- Your drummer just gave me the finger.

- Well, W-Warwick...

Susie gives everybody
the finger, you know?

I mean, that's, that's
her way of saying uh,

how you doing?

So h-how you doing, Warwick?

- She refuses to go to
the World Series with me,

and I got tickets.

- Well, uh...

Don't take it personally.

I-I mean, you know, maybe
Susie doesn't like baseball.

But if you want someone to go
with you, I'd be happy to--

- Look.

Either Susie goes out with me

or I'm gonna personally
flush you down a toilet,

limb by limb.

- Warwick, give me a break, okay?

I just manage the band, all right?

I don't run their personal lives.

- You know, you make a
reasonable point there, Chuck.

I'm being irrational.

You're not the object of my anger,

I'm merely displacing
it on you because well,

because you're convenient.

It's my own sense of
inadequacy that disturbs me.

Now if I'm gonna deal
with this thing maturely,

I'm just gonna have to
handle it all on my own.

- Those are wise thoughts, Warwick.

- Yeah.

Hey, sorry, Chuck.

- [Chuck] Surviving Warwick
and an S and M obsessed parrot

was easy compared to
dinner at Gina's folks

the following day.

- It's 5:56, something's happened to her.

- No sign of them yet, boss.

- Louie.

Louie, you gotta look
through the blinds, Louie.

Not at 'em.

I know something's happened to her.

I can feel it in my bones.

- For God's sake, Vito,
she's five minutes late.

What could happen in five minutes?

- What could happen in five minutes?

I'll tell you what could
happen in five minutes, Rosa.

Bang!

How long did that take?

You know something, Rosa?

ever since I went legit
when I moved to the country,

I got a nice house in
the suburbs now, right?

All I do is worry.

Before, before, when I was killin' people,

I never worried.

I need a drink.

Somebody give me a drink
around here, will ya?

Come on, come on, get me a drink.

And you?

What girly magazine you reading now?

How's the stock market?

Anything going up?

(Vito laughing)

Vinnie, there's a young
girl here to see ya

what a big set of knockers.

- Where?

Where?

Is my hair okay?

Uh, we talkin' really big?

We talkin' like '58
Cadillac bumpers, you know?

- God, my stomach.

Something's happened
to my Gina, I know it!

God help me, something's
happened, I know it!

- Vito.

Why don't you go upstairs and take a crap?

You know how that relaxes you.

- You're absolutely right.

Rosa, what the hell
would I do without you?

- [Chuck] How about learn to control

your own bodily functions?

(upbeat rock music)

Meanwhile back in college, the girls and I

were drumming up a little school spirit

at the event we've all been waiting for.

Hooter College Sorority Day.

- [Gina] Chuck, we gotta go.

My dad can be very nasty
if I'm late for dinner.

- Rumor has it, they do
nasty things with pom-poms.

- [Gina] No, on Lois, I'd
say more like obscene.

- [Chuck] Well, it's Sigma Phi.

Is it to your liking?

There's always Fern
Hymanstein in Delta Phi.

- Okay, now we're gonna do
a little upper torso action.

We're gonna go to the
right, center, and left.

Let's get those breasts right out there--

- Get a load of Fern's chest.

- Right, center, left, center.

Right, center--
(Chuck chuckling)

- She's got more padding in
there than defensive lineman.

- [Fern] Right, center, left, center--

- Hi.

I was wondering if you might
consider me for your house?

Well, my sister was a member in '72.

- Yeah?

Did you hold any athletic records?

Any awards?

- No.

- Ooh, how chic, designer label!

(girls laughing)

Why don't you go check out
the next house, Phi Beta?

(girls laughing)

- Mary, would you stop
crying, for God's sake?

I mean, what are we?

A bunch of self-defeatist wimps?

(crying)

Come on!

Let's show a little team spirit!

- This wind's gonna destroy my hairdo.

Do I like all right?

- Oh, come on, I need three girls to run!

Let's show some team spirit!

- I can run.

- Oh!
(girls laughing)

- I'm Bernice, and I can run.

I-If you want me to.

- That's the spirit!

Welcome to Phi Beta!

(dramatic music)

- [Chuck] Dean Hunta.

- Good.

- What is she, a nazi in heat?

- Runners, get your spikes on!

Let's go, first down!

(girls cheering)

("Mistake Magnifique" by Rick Derringer)

(people cheering)

(gun firing)

♪ I love my girl, I need you just right ♪

♪ When we out last Saturday night ♪

♪ I got stoned ♪

♪ Oh, no one was home ♪

♪ I didn't know what to do ♪

♪ We knew each other, what did I know ♪

♪ The music was hot, and
we were gettin' high ♪

♪ My girl stepped out and
that's when I saw her ♪

♪ Oh, she made me purr ♪

♪ I never got her name or
her numbers on my phone ♪

♪ That was a mistake magnifique ♪

♪ I shoulda know that she's the girl ♪

♪ The woman I want with me ♪

♪ Another mistake magnifique ♪

♪ I'm gonna cross my
fingers one more time ♪

♪ And hope that she don't leave ♪

♪ Oh ♪

- [Chuck] Phi Beta's loss that afternoon

was a cruel defeat for the underdogs,

and a prophetic foreshadowing
of what was to come,

for me and The Splitz.

Just then though, all I
really was looking forward to

was a terrific home-cooked Italian meal.

I mean, two things I have a passion for;

Money and food.

I'll eat anything, except fish.

I hate fish.

Ever since I was a kid
and my older brother

put live Guppies in my soup,

w-what do they call it,
psychological scarring?

I mean, I had nightmares about Guppies

spawning in my stomach for weeks.

(firecrackers popping)
- Hit the deck!

- Oh, Gina's home!

- Gina, baby, you're alive.

- [Louie] They're all clean, boss.

- Still in one piece, sweetheart.

- Yep, still the same piece I
was last time you saw me, dad.

- Listen, I want to thank you.

I owe you a big debt of gratitude

for bringing my daughter
home alive and in one piece.

Grazie, grazie.

- Dad, this is Chuck, our manager.

- Manager?

What's your percentage?

- Oh, don't start.

Can we eat first?

Uh...

- Oh, yeah, sure, sure.

Come on.

- [Gina] Uh, Chuck, this my mom.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hi, Chuck.

I hope you like fish.

- I love fish.

I love it.

I've been eating it since I was this high,

you know what I mean?

Guppies.

Right, right, you name it.

- What's with the routine?

Are you auditioning for a talk show?

Thank you God, for
protecting me one more day

from being poisoned, stabbed,
gunned down, run over,

had my head broken, and
fitted for cement shoes.

And also God, thank you for
taking good care of my family

and keeping them in good health.

Amen.

Yes, all except Vinnie.

Amen, over and out.

- Uh, Vinnie, this is Chuck.

Chuck, this is my cousin, Vinnie.

- How you doing, Chuck?

It's a pleasure, I'm sure.

- Uh, you sure you got
enough on that plate

to take care of your
girls in the magazine?

(Louie laughing)

So, Mr. Manager...

I'm a businessman.

I'm in the fish business.

Frozen fish.

So let's talk tuna.

I gather that you are a businessman too,

because you represent my daughter Gina,

who is terrific at everything she does.

Right, Gina?

Now, listen, uh...

We should talk percentages.

I mean...

What percentage, uh, do you take?

Uh, how much fish do you swallow?

You take 50%?

Maybe you take 10%?

- Uh...

Yeah.

- Or-or-or maybe it's only 5%, hmm, hmm?

- Yeah.

- Or maybe just a teeny,
weeny, tiny little percent?

(men laughing)

(Chuck coughing)

- Oh my God!

He's choking to death!

And I got jello mold for dessert!

- [Gina] Oh, ma...

- They poisoned the wrong plate...

- [Chuck] So while I
resumed my Guppy nightmares

and Gina's father
debated about ways to fry

the family's competition,

the demonic Dean Hunta

was planning a little clambake of her own.

- Girls, you have made your
return to school this fall

a most enjoyable one for me.

Seeing that rodent from
Phi Beta eat dirt...

- Was well worth the wait?

- Shut up!

(intercom buzzing)
- Dean Hunta?

- What do you want, Karl?

- [Karl] The fat one's here.

(Karl laughing)

- I thought I told you

never to use that word!

- [Karl] Ah!

(Karl speaking foreign language)

You disgusting witch!

You miserable hippopotamus!

You almost broke my--

- You're late.

Sit down!

As you have already probably guessed...

There is a lot at stake here.

(girls laughing)

One of your sorority houses must go.

Bite the big one.

One of your houses must be torn down,

for a new sewage treatment facility.

So we will have a little
athletic competition.

There will be three events.

Soccer...

Wrestling, I especially like that one.

And basketball.

The first house to lose
two events, Phi Beta,

will be the one to go.

And don't forget.

Friday, we'll see you
on the soccer field, eh?

My little pudgy Pele?

(Fern laughing)

Now...

I don't give a dead
rat's ass how you do it,

you just make sure you win.

- Dean Hunta--

(thunderclap booming)
(slide whistle whistling)

May, may we ask you a question?

- Well, ask the goddamn question.

- Well, it's just that we were wondering,

why do you hate the Phi
Beta Sorority so much?

Is it something buried deep in your past?

Some dark secret that
you've carried with you

all these years, like an unhealed scar?

- No.

It's just another example
of senseless random violence

perpetrated against the underdog.

- Oh.

Well, that clears that up.

- Now get out.

(upbeat rock music)

(whistle blowing)
(people cheering)

♪ Hey ♪

- What'd you want to
come here for, anyway?

- I have this morbid fascination
with pain and suffering.

♪ Germs make me start to thinkin' ♪

♪ Thinkin' make me turn to drinkin' ♪

♪ Drinkin' makes me stinkin' drunk ♪

♪ 'Til I listen but I listen well ♪

♪ Hey ♪

- Ooh!

- [Girl] Ah!

- Oh!

♪ Pretty girls will start to fake ♪

♪ And when they see me walk away ♪

♪ That's when I can walk it off ♪

♪ And when I can't, I sink and crawl ♪

♪ Oh, how I love to pass you by ♪

(crowd applauding)

♪ Yes I love to pass you by ♪

- Oh!

(whistle blowing)

Oh...

♪ Underneath that bottle of Swiss ♪

♪ I know there's at least one kiss ♪

♪ Saved up for the likes of me ♪

♪ 'Cause I was where I shouldn't be ♪

(crowd cheering and applauding)

(whistle blowing)

- Oh!

So uh, come on.

Where are all your players?

We can't play with ourselves.

- Want me to show you how?

- Look, why don't you back off,

Hyman-whatever your name is?

(Fern chuckling)

- Oh.

Well, well, well, aren't we the brave one?

(Fern chuckling)

Listen uh, fatso.

The rules are if you don't
have any players left,

you forfeit.

Simple as that.

(Fern chuckling)

- Oh!

- Help me up.

I'm going back in there.

- [Gina] You okay?

- Well enough to kick that bitch's ass.

- I'm goin' in with ya.

- What?

- I said, I'm gonna play.

- But they won't let you.

I mean, you can't.

You're not a part of our house.

- Now I am.

♪ I'd love to crash your party ♪

♪ I'd love to crash your party ♪

- Great, great, hold onto it!

Go!

Hey wait a minute,
she's not in your house.

- She is now.

- Oh, girls.

- Hi.
- So what's your name?

- Gina.

- [Midge] Gina, do you
know anything about soccer?

- A little but--
- How little?

- Nothing.

- Hey look, isn't that Gina in there?

Go Gina, go!

(crowd cheering)

Hey, they're pickin' on our Gina in there.

Come on.

- [Girl] Hey, wait a minute, come on.

- Hey, I've got money invested
in that lead guitarist.

- Oh really?

I'm really scared but--

(drums rolling)

- [Fern] Oh!

- [Chuck] Well, the Phi Betas
may have lost a soccer game,

but they gained an all-girl rock band.

Now we were really in it, up to our necks.

- Hello, pain fans.

We're here at the emergency ward

of Phi Beta General Hospital to find out

what physical torment is really like,

to get the inside scoop on suffering.

Um, can we come in a little
tighter on this broken arm?

Uh, excuse me miss, would
you tell our viewers

what it feels like to
have your own personal arm

broken into itty-bitty little pieces?

- Oh!

- Many of our viewers
have written in to ask

what actually happens when
a person with a broken leg

suddenly loses his or her crutch.

- [Girl] Oh!

- There you have it, folks.

And remember, you saw it here first.

Come on everybody, lighten up.

Things aren't that bad.

Tomorrow is another day.

- You know what I wish we could do?

- Drugs?

- I want us to trounce
them in the next event.

If we could find someone,

someone who'd be willing to
work with us day and night--

- I have somebody who would love to help.

Of course, he drools a lot.

- All right girls, now listen up.

Now I understand you want
someone to come in here

and train you all right,
get you all into shape,

and that's exactly what I intend to do,

get y'all in shape.

And it's not gonna be easy.

Now the first thing we're
gonna do is runnin' in place.

Does anybody know what
happens when you run in place?

- You miss the bus?

(girls laughing)

- All right you, with
the fat lip, give me 10.

- Oh, all I got's 20, coach.

- I said give me 10 pushups!

- You jerk!

- All right, the rest of you.

Now, do as I do.

Running in place.

Swing your arms.

(upbeat music)

Now lift your knees as high as you can.

That's right, come on now!

All right everybody,
running in place, that's it!

In place, let's go!

Get 'em up, get 'em up there!

Spit out that gum!

Come on now, higher, higher!

Come on now!

I said get 'em up, get 'em up!

Come on, get up!

Get 'em up!

Get 'em up there!

Get up, lardo!

(sighing)

Okay girls, for your
upcoming wrestling match,

the first thing you gotta learn to do

is keep your opponent's shoulders
pinned for a three count.

Now, do I have a volunteer?

You, Susie.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Who cares what people say ♪

- Now, you be my opponent.

Lay down on the mat.

Now the thing to remember is

you've gotta keep your
opponent's shoulders pinned

for the count of three.

The full body press is best.

(Gina chuckling)

One!

I love you, Susan.

(girls laughing)

Two!

If you marry me, we don't
have to do it every night.

I promise.

Three!

Get up.

Come on Susan, get up.

- Hey, I think you squished her to death.

- Wait, I think she's coming to.

- She's coming to?

(chuckles) Well, we all
know Warwick did, but Susie?

(girls chuckling)

- Okay, wise guys, 50 laps!

- Warwick's heart was in the right place,

even if his brains were
just below his belt.

And since Crusades seemed
to be the order of the day,

I found mine in Gina's cousin Vinnie,

who's masculine self-image
was in pretty bad shape.

Why is everyone so negative about uh,

introducing you to a few girls?

- I don't know, it's gonna sound crazy,

but nobody will fix me up with anybody.

I mean, Chuckie, look at me.

Look at my face.

Not like a queer, nothin' like that.

Like, like you look at
Steve Reeves in the movies,

like Hercules, you know?

I'm a nice looking guy, right?

I'm-I'm a good lookin',
I'm handsome, ain't I?

Seriously, huh?

My cousin Angie called me a
supple little hunk, you know?

Let me tell you a little story, huh?

I'm at the bus stop the other day.

Me and this girl, I'm
not bothering nobody.

I can see her looking at
me out the side of her eye.

I'm not botherin', you know?

She comes over to me.

She says, "Excuse me, what time is it?"

Anyway, I say to her, I says,

"Look, why don't you
come over to my house,

"we'll sleep together,
bada-boom, bada-bing, eh?

"Then I'll buy you lunch."

She smacks me.

She smacks me!

You know, I offered to
buy this chick lunch,

she's calling me names, walking away.

Smacks me!

- Yeah, okay, okay, settle down, Vinnie.

- Nothing, huh?
- You settle down, Vinnie.

Vinnie, Vinnie, why
don't you read something?

Why don't you read this?

Why don't you check
this out there, Vinnie?

See there, hypnotism and lust.

Uh, mind control and the macho man--

- Chuckie, baby, that's not a bad idea.

- I can't take it.

I can't go on.

My heart, my lungs.

Everything's gone black.

- Is she passing out?

- I mean it, you guys.

My body can't take it.

- You're right.

This is just not gonna work.

We have to think of a
way to get to Dean Hunta.

(locker doors slamming)

I'm thinking of doing something
really low, really mean,

and really sick.

- Like a blind date with
a business major, maybe?

- Something even more vicious.

I'm talking about...

I don't know...

Blackmail.

If we could get something on her,

something that she wouldn't
want spread around,

then we could win.

- You mean, like the fact that

her husband's a pervert?

- Pervert?

- Well yeah, he's our family dentist.

He asked me if I wanted gas,
and he told me to open wide.

- So?

- My mother had the toothache.

He's a lousy dentist too.

You wanna see these caps?

- Check it out.

He actually drew little
smile faces on them.

- Sounds like prime blackmail material.

What do you say girls?

Do we go for it?

- [All] Yeah!

(upbeat rock music)

♪ Ooh baby, I get so nervous ♪

♪ When I can only get your service ♪

♪ I'm sitting by my Princess phone ♪

♪ But all I hear is the dial tone ♪

♪ Don't neglect or disconnect me ♪

(laughing)

(snorting)

Oh...

(laughing)

♪ Don't release me ♪

♪ Don't put me on hold on
hold on hold on hold on ♪

♪ Hold on, don't put me on hold ♪

- Hi there, boys and girls.

I'm your friend, Mr. Tooth.

I live in your mouth.

Where it's damp, pushy,
and filled with germs.

Kind of like New Jersey.

- And I'm your other friend, Mr. Brush.

I try to keep Mr. Tooth and
his whole neighborhood clean,

kind of like the vice squad.

- And this is my
girlfriend, Miss Toothpaste.

Just squeeze her from the bottom,
and boy, does she put out!

- [Both] You gotta brush
your teeth every day,

to make those cavities go away!

- But dirty teeth are a terrible sin!

- So open your mouth, and shove me in.

- God, oh God, let this
hallucination go on forever

and I promise I'll never pay
my income tax late again!

("So Long Baby" by Del Shannon)

♪ I see you're laughing and ah ♪

♪ Telling everyone in town ♪

♪ That you've made a fool of me ♪

♪ Well go and talk some more 'cause ♪

♪ Baby I don't care no more ♪

♪ You don't bother me at all ♪

♪ 'Cause I got news for you ♪

♪ I was untrue too ♪

♪ And I don't care what you say ♪

♪ So go and laugh some more 'cause ♪

♪ Baby I don't care no more ♪

♪ I've got another lover of my own ♪

♪ Step by step you put me down ♪

♪ Always calling me a clown ♪

♪ If you ever go away,
promise me that you'll stay ♪

♪ Far, far, far, far, far from me ♪

♪ Now that we've played our game ♪

♪ I guess we're both to blame ♪

♪ We tried to break each other's hearts ♪

♪ You had one jump on me but ♪

♪ I jumped twice you see ♪

♪ It's all over now, be on your way ♪

(camera shutter clicking)

(dramatic music)

- "If you're having trouble
recognizing this chick,

"we'll give you a clue.

"It's the rooster you're married to.

"If you don't want the school board

"to see Harvey's publicity shots,

"just let us name the rules
for the next two games,

"then we'll send you the kinky ones."

Karl!

- [Karl] Yes, oh disgusting one?

- Get me Dr. Bliss!

- [Karl] Jawohl, mein hippo!

(Karl laughing)

- It's going to be all
right now, isn't it?

After all, I am the Dean.

Dean, dependable Dean.

Angry Dean.

Mad Dog Dean!

- [Dr. Bliss] Dr. Bliss here.

- I'm having another crisis.

- [Dr. Bliss] You must let it pass.

- I'm not having gas, you fool.

I'm losing control.

You don't know what's inside me.

It's very destructive!

- [Dr. Bliss] That is
why one must meditate

to alleviate all negativisms.

Always be positive to
avoid being negative.

All destructive tendencies
can be controlled

by a high drug-induced
stream of consciousness.

You must let your anger
out, or let out your anger--

(screaming)

Thank you, and goodbye.

- Girls, I've been doing some thinking.

You do understand the
word thinking, Scagliani?

- Thinking: a conjugated verb
meaning to ponder or mull.

- Shut up!

Now...

Since Phi Beta is going
to be massacred anyway

in the next two games, I
thought it only fair to uh,

let them name the rules of the game.

- [Both] What?

What do you mean?

- Put a hose in it!

Let it never be said that Dean Hunta

does not play fair and square.

Just because I'm playing fair and square

doesn't mean you have to.

Do you read me?

(Fern chuckling)

Okay.

Out.

- [Chuck] After their embarrassing defeat

on the soccer field, the girls
knew they had to win this one

or throw in the towel, and
from the looks of things,

the psychological warfare
was definitely paying off.

- What size panties do
you think Lois wears?

- Well, if she ever wore
panties, probably about a medium.

- Gee, darn it, these are a small.

I don't know.

I guess it'd be kind of uncomfortable,

but I bet the guys get a kick
out of seeing her in them.

- Shove 'em, you asshole!

- Oh, by the way, the red
panties were Hunta's idea.

We wanted black.

- We're not gonna put those on.

- Yeah, any second now, and
you're gonna be eatin' 'em!

(Joan laughing)

(thunderclap booming)
- Scagliani!

(wind howling)

Just make sure you win.

(drums rolling)

(upbeat music)
(crowd booing)

(Gina and Susie cheering)

(crowd cheering)
(Gina and Susie booing)

- [Doris] Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Hunta Lanes.

There is your faithful
referee, Doris, speaking.

Rule number one.

Any team caught clogging
their opponent's bowling ball

with chewing gum will not be
eligible for the grand prize.

(crowd cheering)
- Take it off!

Come on, take it off, come on!

- And in this court, wearing--

(crowd gasping and cheering)

Holy shit.

Wearing close to nothin'...

I mean, I was born wearing more than that,

and let me tell you, honey,

if I was you, I wouldn't advertise.

And in the other court, Phi Betas.

Let's come out swinging!

Or bopping.

Or grooving, or whatever you call it.

(bell dinging)

(upbeat music)

♪ Give it all you got,
granny, you're givin' it all ♪

(Lois laughing)
(crowd booing)

♪ Well, I really live it down
when everyone is changing ♪

(both groaning)

♪ Give it all all you got,
baby give it all to me ♪

♪ Give me your lovin' baby,
it sweetens up my day ♪

♪ I love the little girls, so
why do you keep me at bay ♪

♪ Well, there ain't no
way around each other ♪

♪ Best I've ever seen ♪

♪ Give it all you got,
baby give it all to me ♪

(crowd booing)

(growling)

(yelling)

- Oh!

Oh!

Ow!

Help!

Help!

♪ Give me your best, oh,
you're givin' it all to me ♪

(growling)

(fabric ripping)

(crowd gasping and cheering)

♪ Give it all you got,
baby give it all to me ♪

(whistle blowing)

- Game's over!

(bell dinging)
(crowd cheering)

(girls cheering)

- We won!
(corks popping)

- Holy shit, I can't believe it, we won!

I can't believe we actually won!

(girls cheering)
(uptempo music)

(cork popping)

♪ Well, I got some ways
for a wild alley cat ♪

♪ Who creep around you nightly ♪

♪ Hoping they're part of a pack ♪

♪ You've got to be
smart, oh, little girl ♪

♪ The boys will tell you that ♪

♪ They're on the prowl, tryin' to get ya ♪

♪ Baby, be wild ♪

♪ The hood he wears is black ♪

♪ He's got evil on his mind ♪

(girls screaming)

- [Chuck] There was still
one event to go, basketball.

But for now, spirits were high
and it was time to celebrate

the big win of the day.

- Hey, how you doin'?
- How you doin'?

I thought you guys were open 24 hours.

Man, I got three starving women over here,

pushin' me down.

- Yeah, used to be, 'til tonight.

My father gave a party tonight
for a bunch old geezers

at the Elks Club.

Said he wanted to give 'em
a real quiet time tonight.

Take a look at that.

- Hey you guys, look at that.

(rock music)

♪ One, two ♪

♪ One, two, three ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ There's a party going
down on an old blues night ♪

♪ Just wait, and you just might ♪

♪ Have a real good time ♪

♪ Do it right ♪

♪ Right down to the spit shine ♪

♪ On my dancin' shoes ♪

♪ Get your warm coat baby ♪

♪ And a whole lot of ♪

♪ Absolutely nothin' to lose ♪

♪ Suburban nights, suburban nights ♪

♪ Suburban nights, suburban nights ♪

♪ Rebel ♪

♪ Picks you up in a brand new automobile ♪

♪ It sparkles like a diamond ♪

♪ When you move, it's
got some mag wheels ♪

♪ Now we drive fast, and we won't last ♪

♪ As we go barrelin' down our road ♪

♪ Somehow we feel we always
have to shift into overload ♪

♪ Suburban nights, suburban nights ♪

♪ Suburban nights, suburban nights ♪

♪ Suburban nights, suburban nights ♪

♪ Suburban nights, suburban nights ♪

♪ We walk into that party
like we're wearin' a crown ♪

♪ We know our business
and we nail it on down ♪

♪ We know what our eyes can do ♪

♪ And that's exactly
what we're livin' to do ♪

♪ Do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do ♪

♪ Do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do ♪

♪ Do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do ♪

♪ Do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do ♪

♪ Do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do ♪

♪ Do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do ♪

♪ Do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ I said ooh ♪

♪ We were downright out of our minds ♪

♪ Frazzled round the edges ♪

♪ But the edge is just another line ♪

♪ Lookin' back, I can't believe ♪

♪ That we made it this far ♪

♪ Mmm, people don't you
understand that there we were ♪

♪ And now here we are ♪

♪ Now, suburban nights, suburban nights ♪

♪ Suburban nights, suburban nights ♪

♪ My mama never knew, my mama never knew ♪

♪ Oh knew suburban
nights, suburban nights ♪

♪ Suburban nights, suburban nights ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Suburban nights, suburban nights ♪

♪ Suburban nights, suburban ♪

♪ Nights ♪

- [Chuck] Meanwhile, after
taking my advice on hypnotism

and picking up girls, madman
Vinnie was rapidly becoming

a supermarket Svengali.

- Let's see, yes sir.

I think I got something here.

Let's see, how to pick
up in a supermarket.

Produce, produce.

Here it is, yeah.

Mmhmm.

Look cool, got that.

Handsome.

- [Manager] Attention
shoppers, this is the manager.

Would the owner of the blue
Datsun please remove the vehicle

from the receiving lane?

- You're dead, lady.

- [Manager] That license
plate number, U, D as in dumb,

P as in putz, four, oh, nine.

The rear end is protruding.

Thank you.

- So uh, come here often?

What's your sign?

Yield?

(chuckles) just a little
joke, kind of break the ice.

- Drop dead.

- I wish you hadn't said that, but look,

how are you supposed to know I only got...

48 days to live?

- What?

You only have 48 days to live?

- Well, 51, countin' legal holidays.

So look, it's been nice knowing ya.

And uh, I'm in the book, huh?

- You know, you look perfectly healthy.

- Nah.

Not when you look close, I don't.

You see in my eyes, I got these kind of

tiny little squiggles, you know?

Kind of like designer
labels, you know what I mean?

- I don't see anything like that.

- You can't see it from there,
you gotta come in a little.

Yeah, that's it, you see?

Right, right in there.

Look deep into my eyes.

See what I mean?

Real deep.

That's it yeah.
- Like this?

- Yeah, yeah.

That's it.

You're feeling very relaxed now.

Very relaxed.

Very shit-faced.

(upbeat band music)

(crowd cheering)

- We got this one!

Let's go baby, come on!

- [Chuck] Well, it was high
noon at the Hooter funny farm.

The final event,
basketball, was a sell out.

And since our very own
Joanie was an experienced

high school ball player, no
need for us to worry, right?

Wrong, dead wrong.

- Listen, you fat face.

I told you no spectators at this game!

- Well, I guess Chuckie did
get a little carried away

with the tickets.

So, are you looking forward
to playing basketball

in your birthday suits, girls?

- [Fern] What?

- The name of the game, baby;

Strip basketball.

Very simple.

You make a basket, we take something off.

We make a basket, you take something off.

- You're crazy.

Listen, Hymanstein...

You're not getting us involved in this.

This is yours and Scagliani's fight.

- Listen, everything's been taken care of.

Their only player who can
even hold a basketball

won't be able to make
it to the game today.

(harpsichord music)
- I'll be with you guys.

- Now!
- Hey!

(Joan yelling)

What are you doing?

Oh!

What the, stop it!

Ow!

Hey!

Hey!

- Besides, if we lose,
that's the end of Delta Phi.

And that means every one of us.

- You better be right, Hymanstein.

- I'm always right.

(chuckling)

(crowd cheering)

- Okay, girls.

You know the rules.

No dirty stuff.

No pullin' the face mask.

No hittin' below the belt.

And the most important rule;

No radio play, okay?

Okay.

("One Way or Another" by Blondie)

Hike!

♪ One way or another, I'm gonna find ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna get ya, get
ya, get ya, get ya ♪

♪ One way or another, I'm gonna win ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna get ya, get
ya, get ya, get ya ♪

♪ One way or another ♪

- All right, all right, up.

All right, all right, you got it now.

You got it, it's easy, you
got it, it's an open shot.

♪ One day maybe next
week, I'm gonna meet ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna meet ya, I'll meet ya ♪

♪ I will drive past your house ♪

♪ And if the lights are all down ♪

♪ I'll see who's around ♪

- Come on, take it down,
take it all the down!

Or all the way, all the way back!

♪ One way or another, I'm gonna find ya ♪

- Up!
- Up!

- Up!
- Up!

- Up, this is up!
- You got it!

- This is down, this is up!
- I'm the coach, listen to me!

Up!

♪ I'm gonna win ya ♪

♪ I'll get ya, I'll get ya ♪

♪ One way or another ♪

- Stay with her, stay with her, all right!

♪ I'm gonna meet ya, meet
ya, meet ya, meet ya ♪

♪ One day maybe next
week, I'm gonna meet ya ♪

♪ I'll meet ya, ah ♪

♪ And if the lights are all out ♪

♪ I'll follow your bus downtown ♪

♪ See who's hangin' out ♪

(laughing)

- Take it off!

- Where the hell is Joan?

- Maybe she quit.

- Maybe I'll kill her!

(rock music)

- Midge!

(crowd cheering)

Warwick!

- Did you see what you did?

She hit it, you know what she did?

She escaped with--
- She did it!

- Shit!

(buzzer ringing)

♪ One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna give you the slip ♪

♪ A slip of the hip or another ♪

- I want you to go out
there, and I want you to win!

Give me your hands, girls.

What are we gonna do?

- [Girls] Kill!

- What are you gonna do?

- [Girls] Kill!

- What are you gonna do?

- [Girls!] Kill!

- I want you to go out there and?

- [Girls] Kill!

- Go on, go on, get out there.

All right, Bernice.

♪ I'm gonna lose ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna give you the slip ♪

- But she's takin' it off again!

(Fern laughing)

♪ I'll walk down the mall,
stand over by the wall ♪

♪ Where I can see it all,
find out who ya call ♪

♪ Lead you to the supermarket checkout ♪

♪ Some specials and rat food ♪

♪ One way or another ♪

- [Warwick] Substitution, Susie!

♪ One way or another, I'm gonna get ya ♪

♪ I'll get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya ♪

♪ One way or another ♪

- Where the hell is Joan?

- I don't know, Susan, I don't know.

(crowd cheering)

Hey Susan, look over there.

Smoke.

Three small puffs of smoke.

Two large puffs of smoke.

Stop.

Three short puffs of
smoke in rapid succession.

What do you suppose that means?

- "Trapped in locker room", why?

- I gotta go.

- Warwick, can't you
wait 'til after the game?

- Save me a seat!

Joan, are you in there?

- [Joan] Warwick, is that you?

- Yeah, it's me!

Get away from the door!

(door breaking)

- Oh Warwick, thank God you came!

- First time a girl ever said that to me

and I haven't got a single witness.

(crowd cheering)

("When Love Attacks" by Rick
Derringer and Bonnie Tyler)

- Hey, it's Joanie!

- Oh, all right, Joan!

(crowd cheering)

♪ He's bitter ♪

♪ So blue ♪

♪ Cold armor ♪

♪ See through ♪

♪ Heavy heart ♪

♪ Heavy head ♪

♪ Walking tall ♪

(whistle blowing)

(laughing)

♪ Walking dead ♪

- [Susie] Tie score!

♪ Then love attacks ♪

♪ And you can try to hide ♪

♪ But in the end there's nowhere ♪

♪ It can get inside ♪

♪ A triple-locked apartment ♪

♪ A secret compartment ♪

♪ Can't conceal the treasure ♪

♪ When love comes to
take your heart away ♪

♪ She's fragile ♪

- Shoot!

♪ Spanish lace ♪

- Shoot!

♪ There's a rainbow ♪

♪ And there's a stream ♪

♪ A total eclipse ♪

♪ Of a dream ♪

♪ Then love attacks ♪

♪ And you can try to hide ♪

♪ But in the end there's nowhere ♪

♪ It can get inside ♪

♪ A triple-locked apartment ♪

♪ A secret compartment ♪

♪ Can't conceal the treasure ♪

♪ When love comes to
take your heart away ♪

(air deflating)

(crowd cheering)

(Warwick laughing)

- [Chuck] Call it fate, providence,

or just my lousy luck,
whatever you want to call it.

I did not know how much I
would regret the following day.

- You do not know how much you will regret

this meeting today.

I have tried to understand
these recent events.

To reason them away as an aberration

of youthful energy, perhaps.

Absurdities conceived
in an impetuous moment.

- Christ's sakes, will
you just get to the point?

- Yes, the point, Napolioni.

The point is, you're out.

All of you.

This college will no longer
tolerate your insolence,

your vulgarity,

your moral degeneracy,

your kind.

- Now, wait a minute.

Okay, you can't just kick
the girls out like that.

- Oh really?

What makes you think you're excluded?

- You're shittin' me?

- But Chuck's got his full scholarship.

- Jesus.

And that's unfair, even for you.

- It is my ambition to be unfair.

(dramatic music)

- [Chuck] Well, I gave it a shot.

So before finding the nearest
tree to hang myself from,

I decided to say goodbye to ol' Vinnie.

Even if I hadn't done myself
or the girls any good,

at least I'd managed to do him some.

- You know, sometimes I worry,

I think maybe you only like me

because of my tremendous power.

I tell you something, Madeline...

People like you make this
a great country, you know?

I...

(knocking)

Talk to you later.

Uh, coming.

Uh, come in.

Hey, Chuckie, baby.

How you doin'?

Hey Chuck, grab a helmet, huh?

Okay, girls, formation.

Good morning, ladies.

Chuck, I got somethin' a little special,

been working this for a long time.

Today's the big game.

Come on out here.

We got something in a large,
in case you're interested in,

from the University of pec, pec, pec,

work on those muscles.

Hey Chuck, I got good news for you.

Good news.

There's more!

(Vinnie laughing)

Chuck, you're gonna fly for this one.

Come on out here, you sweet, yeah.

Yes, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Ooh, you animal.

Hey Chuck, you know the fine
line between pleasure and pain?

Watch your skinny elbows.

Yes you are, tuna fish face.

Com here, you.

Hey Chuck, baby.

Chuck, uh, see if you can
pick me out in this crowd.

(Vinnie growling)

Hey, what about the captain
of the football team?

What do you say we bring
her out, huh girls?

What do you say?

Numero uno.

Stay right there, I'll be back, excuse me.

(Vinnie chuckling)

From Scandinavia, frozen
and flown here immediately,

Pia of the North, huh?

God bless.

Hey Chuckie, I know what
this must look like to you,

I mean, all these half-naked,

hypnotized Hooter College
freshmen, but, you know--

- Vinnie, I gotta talk to you.

- Now?

Hey Chuck, forget about it, huh?

- Come on, Mean Joe, before
they put you away for life.

I want to talk to you.

- All right, uh, girls, uh...

Time out, huh?

(Vinnie chuckling)

- I got kicked out of college.

I mean, as a matter of
fact, so have the girls,

but I lost a full scholarship, man.

Two years down the drain.

- Hey Chuckie, let me
tell you a little story.

I had a friend, Joe Bagadonuts--

- Vinnie, spare me the story, okay?

- Don't let it get you down.

- Down?

I've hit bottom, man.

I mean, first of all,
I get the band booked

in one of the all-time shit bars,

and then somehow we get
involved in this fight

between the Dean and
the stupid sororities,

and next thing I know,
I'm kicked out of school.

- You don't need school to
be a rock and roll manager.

- Yeah, some manager, right?

I can't even find a bar
for my band to play.

- Yeah, it's pretty tough, huh?

Maybe I could help you out.

Maybe uh...

Maybe Louie and Tony could, you know?

- Louie and Tony are not
gonna do me any favors.

- Hey Chuck, you want to get
your band booked or what?

Hmm?

Louie.

Tony.

Come in here.

- Hey Vinnie, there's some
dame pointin' somethin' at ya.

- [Vinnie] Listen uh, how'd
you like to help Chuck's band

get a club?

A genius band.

- Consider this.

We knows a guy,

who knows a guy,

who owns The Palace, the
biggest club in town.

And when we take a job, we never slip up.

- Okay, it's settled then.

You guys go get the job done, huh?

Hey Chuckie, you see that, man?

Lighten up, huh?

Lighten up and get your mind
off all this damn stuff.

Look, there's nothing like
a little sweet revenge

to get the old blood flowing again, huh?

Hey Chuck, I don't know this Dean Hunta.

But let me tell you something.

She's about to mess with Vinnie Mamabasta.

("Ride of the Valkyries"
by Richard Wagner)

- [Karl] Hey, Hunta!

- This had better be important, Karl.

I told you I don't want to be disturbed.

- [Karl] I know you don't
want to be disturbed,

but let's face it, you are!

(Karl laughing)

- What the hell do you want?

- [Karl] A gentleman to see you.

- I told you, I don't want to see anyone.

- I say that today's educational
standards are a disgrace.

I say that unless every
student in this college

has the opportunity to read the likes

of Wilbur Wilbur's poetry
that the very moral fiber

of our country will disintegrate.

And moral fiber is very important.

It keeps you regular.

Anyway, with poetry as brilliant is this,

"I live to love, my love.

"I used to laugh, my love.

"Is that a laugh and a half, my love?

"Because I live to love my calf,

"so do not laugh"--

- And this is a gun.

Nobody reads poetry that
bad and gets away with it.

- Okay, okay.

So you didn't like that one.

Hey, I remember one that
goes something like this.

Uh, deep into my eyes, she looked.

Deeper and deeper.

Very deep.

Her eyelids got heavy.

Very, very heavy.

Very, very heavy.

You're a sittin' duck, Deanie.

(Vinnie speaking foreign language)

(Vinnie chuckling)

Jeez, did you have me scared for a while

with that firearm.

(chuckles) I thought I
was gonna wet my pants.

Speaking of that, I gotta drain
the old Mamabasta monster,

you know what I mean?

Oh first, I gotta give you
the instructions, yeah.

Um, let's see uh...

When you hear words I gotta take a leak,

you will fall into a
deep trance, all right?

I gotta take a leak.

- I gotta take a leak...

- You will remain in that trance

until you hear loud applause.

- Applause.

- I gotta go.

Thanks for so much, huh?

(dramatic music)

(knocking)

- [Louie] Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- [Both] Louie and Tony.

- Louie and Tony?

Why didn't you say so?

Come on in.

(typewriter clacking)

Hey, you're not the
Louie and Tony we know.

Those guys were young, and good-looking.

And they never dressed funny.

And they're doing time at Sing Sing.

- Listen, we came here
to introduce ourselves.

I'm Tony, and this is my associate, Louis.

We came about The Palace.

Mr. Napoliani has a daughter in a band.

They want to play The
Palace, this Saturday night.

- No how.

- No way.

- No dice.
- No shit.

♪ Nobody knows the trouble I've seen ♪

- Dad!

Dad!

And neither of us are gonna
make no deals with no guys

pretendin' to be Louie and Tony.

Hey look, even if you was Louie and Tony--

- [Mack Sr.] Which you obviously ain't.

- That don't mean you get The Palace.

- Even our best friends,
they don't get The Palace.

Our friends, they beg, they threaten.

But this, this is a very tough business.

Look at my kid here.

He's only in the first grade.

- Listen.

I will show you how far
Mr. Napoliani will go

when somebody refuses to do him a favor.

(glasses breaking)

- Louie, not on your own glasses.

- Hey.

Do that again.

Stomp the glasses.

(glass crunching)

Louie!

Louie!

It is you!

My long-lost cousin, Louie!

Sing Sing may have
destroyed your good looks,

but no one can take away
those twinkle-toes of yours.

Dance, Louie!

Dance the way you danced
the night of my wedding!

(upbeat swing music)
(Louie scatting)

And Tony!

You still got the breath of
a squid, but I love you, cuz!

Mwah!

- What do you say, cuz?

Do we get The Palace?

- Sure, say no more!

(Mack Sr. laughing)

Mack, get the contract!

Say the word, and The Palace is yours!

- [Chuck] Meanwhile, my higher education

was about to pay off with
the most diabolical scheme

ever to come from a guy
voted by his senior class

most sincere, most intellectual,

and most likely to become
a father before his time;

Moi.

Is Dean Hunta there?

(thunderclap booming)
(phone buzzing)

Hello, Dean?

Uh, this is Jeff Stone

from the Hooter College
Special Projects Committee.

Yes, yes, it's very new.

Um, yes, well we're having
a special benefit show

this Saturday night at The Palace.

It's to help the Hooter
College football team

raise money for new Nautilus equipment,

and we'd like you to be the guest speaker.

Yeah, it's just about two
or three minutes to uh,

open the festivities, if you would.

The entire school board will be there.

You'll do it?

I can count on you then?

Well, that's great, Dean, thanks again.

So we'll see you this Saturday night.

Okay, bye Dean.

(thunderclap booming)
(phone buzzing)

(drums rolling)

(upbeat rock music)

(club patrons conversing quietly)

Okay, you girls just
stay right here, okay?

And whatever you do,
don't miss the warm-up act

because uh (chuckles) it's a killer.

- Wait a minute, Chuck.

I thought this was
supposed to be our big gig?

What's the entire school board doing here?

- Uh, everything's taken care of.

You guys just make sure you
get into your costumes on time.

Okay?

I've got everything under control, Joan.

Believe me.

- Something the matter, sir?

- You mean to say, this fish is fresh?

What kind of way is that to serve fish?

Fresh?

You gotta freeze it first.

Hey, smell this.

Like a fish, it smells.

Who the hell wants to eat
fish that smells like a fish?

This fish is so fresh, it's
swimmin' on my fingers.

(woman screaming)

- Hey, this is groovy.

- Mmm.
- I should get out more often.

- Yeah.

- You two girls are really foxy.

You must be in a rock band, huh?

What's your name?

- Yeah, yeah.

It was the uh--

- With The Rayon.
- The Polyesters.

- Huh?
- Uh, uh--

- We're with The Silks.

- Yeah, The Silks, yeah.

- It's very--

- Smooth, yeah.
- Smooth.

I like that.

- Hey, Midge.

You wanna go see the
last game of the Series?

I got tickets.

- Me?
- Yeah.

- I-I love baseball.

- Yeah?
- I love all sports.

- Yeah?
- Yeah!

- Okay!

Hey, you know, you already
got one hell of a layup.

I-I think if we work on your
jump shot, you could be a pro.

Really, really.

- Serious?
- Seriously.

- Just stay here.

I don't want to lose you.

Let me just pull you around here.

You know, and you seem
like such nice people too.

It's not just looks, you know what I mean?

Let's go, huh?

Hey.

Let's go.

- It's Hunta.

What the hell is she doing here?

Looks like our big gig is
gonna turn into a blitzkrieg.

- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to The Palace.

(club patrons cheering and applauding)

- Hey, Chuck!

- Hi.

(Tweeter laughing)

- That's a friend of mine.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, great guy.

Got him his first gig.

- Tonight, we are especially
proud to have with us

the board members from
the educational capital

of the Western world, Hooter College here.

(scattered applause)
- Yay, Hooter!

- And now it is my
pleasure to introduce that

oh so respected educator,

that Dean about town,

Dean Hunta.

(scattered applause)
- Yay!

(thunderclap booming)

- Thank you.

(clearing throat)

Ladies and gentlemen of
the Hooter School Board,

honored guests, we are
gathered here this evening

in hope that we can reach our goal

of making enough money for the
Hooter College football team

to purchase badly needed
athletic equipment.

- This is gettin' boring.
- Coach Langley advises me

that uh, with a strong exercise program,

we can turn the team around.
- Vinnie, now.

- Excuse me ladies, because uh,

I gotta take a leak.

- Support...

From...

(laughing)

(sensual music)

♪ Good love's what I need ♪

♪ Desire's what I preach ♪

♪ Good things I beg for ♪

♪ Like sexy men I want to see ♪

♪ Want love so bad ♪

♪ Makes me quiver inside ♪

♪ Oh, honey, it's you ♪

♪ A burning hunk by my side ♪

♪ All I need ♪

♪ Is you most at night ♪

♪ I don't need ♪

♪ A better man ♪

♪ And if I find ♪

♪ This lover of mine ♪

♪ I'm gonna squeeze him ♪

♪ Whip him ♪

♪ Into perfect shape ♪

♪ Baby, it could be you ♪

♪ To fulfill ♪

♪ My dream ♪

♪ Come on, get up ♪

♪ Take a stand ♪

♪ Dean Hunta here, take my hand ♪

(crowd cheering and applauding)

- That's my little Stormtrooper!

- Ladies and gentlemen, The Splitz!

(upbeat rock music)

(gun firing)
(crowd cheering)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ We've got it made ♪

♪ We've got it all tonight ♪

♪ We've got it made ♪

♪ We didn't care ♪

♪ Care ♪

♪ We've got it made ♪

♪ Don't want to work in no shadow ♪

♪ We're the girls in the band ♪

♪ And it's an uphill battle ♪

♪ Think about it, think about
the things we've got tonight ♪

♪ What a beautiful sight, that's right ♪

♪ Stayin' in the band is what we like ♪

♪ Like a thief in the night ♪

♪ Who knows, who knows ♪

♪ Who knows, who knows ♪

♪ Sometimes we surprise,
there's so many sizes ♪

♪ I know, we know ♪

♪ I know, we know ♪

♪ We're a miracle now ♪

♪ Hey, we're the kids on the block ♪

♪ Looking for the spotlight ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ We were raised on rock ♪

♪ Dancing in the moonlight ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight, nine ♪

♪ When the clock strikes 10 ♪

♪ Gonna time it ♪

♪ Gonna face the crowd ♪

♪ They're gonna love it ♪

♪ Play a little faster,
burn ya 'til the gas dies ♪

♪ Think about the boy you love tonight ♪

♪ What a beautiful sight ♪

♪ Hold tight ♪

♪ Dancing is the dark is what I like ♪

♪ Like a thief in the night ♪

♪ Who knows, who knows ♪

♪ Who knows, who knows ♪

♪ Sometimes we surprise,
there's so many sizes ♪

♪ I know, we know ♪

♪ I know, we know ♪

♪ Maybe we're a miracle now ♪

♪ Anyone else ♪

♪ Would have kept all their
dreams in their place ♪

♪ Anyone else ♪

♪ Would have laughed in our face ♪

- Okay, kid, who are they?

I want 'em to sign right here,

they're gonna headline at The Palace

for the whole next year.

$20,000 closes the deal.

- Uh, it's The-The Splitz.

- Splitz?

- S, S-P-L-I-T-Z.

That's fine.

And I will uh, sign here.

This is mine.

(both laughing)

There you go.

- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

20 thou a week!

- Forget about it, huh?

(Vinnie laughing)

- Do you realize how much
of that's gonna be mine?

(Vinnie speaking foreign language)

Do you realize how much
money I'm gonna be making,

starting tomorrow?

Vinnie, I'm gonna be raking in...

Like, next to nothing,
you know what I mean?

Like, very, very, very, very little money.

Like...

Bare minimum, you know?

Sometimes life has a funny way

of making everything
right again, you know?

I mean, look at me and The Splitz.

Just when you think the ride is over,

wham, you're off on another wild spin.

And just when you think you've
got everything you wanted,

boom, everything you ever wanted changes.

You just can't predict what will happen.

And I guess that's a pretty good reason

to just stick it out, give it all you got,

and you go for the gusto
or don't go at all,

or something, I don't know.

But just a word of advice;

When it comes to those gates
of knowledge, walk proud,

but not alone.

Take a glance over your shoulder

to make sure your dreams are still there,

because they ought to be,
walking right in there with you.

(crowd cheering and applauding)

♪ He's such a busy boy,
busy boy, runnin' around ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy, busy
boy, can't settle down ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy,
busy boy, he's coming down ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy,
spreadin' joy all over time ♪

♪ And I'm all dizzy just wonderin' is he ♪

♪ Ever gonna ♪

♪ Ever gonna miss me ♪

♪ He's so busy ♪

♪ Oh so busy ♪

♪ He's so busy every
mornin' and the night ♪

♪ When I tell you, he'll say I'm crazy ♪

♪ And when I leave you and
I'm coming up to see you ♪

♪ You say you used to love me ♪

♪ And you're always thinking of me ♪

♪ But you really gotta go now ♪

♪ 'Cause you're kind of in a hurry ♪

♪ And I'm all dizzy just wonderin' is he ♪

♪ Ever gonna ♪

♪ Ever gonna miss me ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Now he's passin' right by my door ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ All the kids are laughin' ♪

♪ I'm the girlfriend
he's supposed to adore ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy,
busy boy, runnin' around ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy, busy
boy, can't settle down ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy,
busy boy, he's coming down ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy,
spreadin' joy all over town ♪

♪ And I'm all dizzy just wonderin' is he ♪

♪ Ever gonna miss me, just
find the time to kiss me ♪

♪ We never make affection,
as time goes passin' ♪

♪ I'm gonna be ♪

♪ Too busy for you ♪

♪ He's such a busy boy, busy boy ♪

♪ Oh, he's such a busy, busy boy ♪

♪ Oh, he's such a busy, busy boy ♪

♪ Oh, he's such a busy, busy boy ♪

♪ Oh, he's such a busy, busy boy ♪

♪ Oh, he's such a busy, busy boy ♪

♪ Oh, he's such a busy, busy boy ♪

♪ Oh, he's such a busy, busy boy ♪

♪ Oh, he's such a busy, busy boy ♪

♪ Oh, he's such a busy, busy boy ♪

♪ Oh, he's such a busy, busy boy ♪

(multicom jingle)