Spies in Disguise (2019) - full transcript
When the world's best spy is turned into a pigeon, he must rely on his nerdy tech officer to save the world.
Walter, have you seen
my tweezers?
Um, sorry.
Did you need that mug?
I needed that coffee.
So...
- Unitee.
- ...what you making, bud?
A gadget for you
- to wear on patrol.
- Oh.
It's the perfect tool
to keep you safe.
This button
makes a really loud sound
to incapacitate your enemies.
Like that.
This one can wrap you
in an inflatable hug
- so no one can hurt you.
- A-ha.
And this one is for when
you're outnumbered.
You just hold out your hand
and say, "Stop!"
And boom!
Glitter cloud!
And the bad guys
will leave you alone.
Oh! Because glitter makes
people happy?
Because the refracted light
causes the
enterochromaffin cells
to release serotonin.
Yeah, glitter makes
people happy.
Let's try it out.
Remember how you told me
not to take apart
your cell phone?
Walter Beckett,
you took apart my...
Still wanna kill me?
No. Just the opposite.
Then it works!
I also wanna add
some kitten visuals
to trigger
the orbitofrontal cortex.
11-A-25,
Code Six, 104 North.
Hon, I gotta go.
Time for my shift.
Be good for Gram, okay?
Uh, I'll come
with you.
I can finish this
on the way.
You won't even
know I'm there.
What you need to
do is get ready for school.
Oh, Mom,
school's boring.
And the kids
think I'm weird.
Weird?
Hey, look at me.
What's wrong with weird?
The world needs weird.
Listen, I'm out there
keeping the neighborhood safe.
But one day, your ideas...
your gadgets...
are gonna keep
the world safe.
And everybody will wish
they were as weird as you.
You think?
I know.
Now, give me
a non-inflatable hug.
Love you, partner.
I promise
I'll always have your back.
Team Weird?
Team Weird.
Man, it's cold!
Hey, fellas.
Special Agent Lance Sterling.
How you livin'?
Whoa, okay, okay.
Everybody good?
I'm just gonna
take his gun
and I'm gonna toss it
to that snowman.
And while you're both
looking all confused,
trying to figure out
what's going on...
- I'm just gonna knock you out.
- Huh?
Ugh.
He didn't deserve that.
Rats with wings.
I'm in position.
What is your situation?
Just getting a visual...
now.
10 o'clock.
Katsu Kimura.
Everybody's favorite
arms dealer.
There.
That briefcase is your objective.
Inside is the M9 Assassin.
The first semi-autonomous
attack drone,
powered by
atmospheric energy.
Never shuts down,
never stops pursuing
its target.
They stole it
from our covert weapons lab.
Uh, Director Jenkins,
he's got incoming.
Detecting 70 extra hostiles
around the perimeter.
I don't want
another mess like Kyrgyzstan.
Lance, listen to me.
You've got 70 yakuza incoming.
Stand down.
That's better
odds than I usually get.
No! Do not engage.
This time, you need to wait
for the backup team.
Team?
I fly solo.
Wait. Lance, listen to...
I think he cut off...
- I get it!
- Yeah, great,
that's right. Sorry.
Huh.
Uh-oh.
Guess it's time
to introduce myself.
Huh?
You know
how you can tell
when you're the world's
greatest spy?
Sterling.
Lance Sterling.
Everyone knows the name.
I'mma need that case.
Just 3 ounces of
pressure to the vagus nerve...
and then look at your boy.
Sleepy night-night.
Hey, you mind
giving me a hand?
Hey, come on.
What was it?
The hand joke?
You don't remember me,
do you?
What can I say?
I meet a lot of bad guys.
I'm gonna show you pain
that you can't imagine.
I don't think
that subtitle was in my favor.
Okay. Oh, okay.
You wanna do it the hard way?
Let's go, then.
Let's do it
the hard way.
It's about to get messy.
Aw.
What the...
Ooh.
Hey, don't take
the loss so hard.
I mean,
you did great.
And you got to meet
Lance Sterling.
Next. Okay,
put everything in the bin.
Yes, come through.
- Oh! He's coming.
- Wow. Here he comes!
Yes,
your eyes
aren't deceiving you.
Yep, it's him.
Thank you, thank you.
Looking good,
Agent Sterling!
Hey, not looking
so bad yourself.
Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, you know what?
Go ahead back to work.
Go ahead back to work.
It's too much.
It's probably
the right amount.
But still go back to work.
Still go back to work.
You're so crazy.
What's up, Sterling?
Lucas!
My name's Dave.
There you go.
Good to see you.
Morning, sir.
Fellas, give it to me.
- Dude, did you see that?
- Never wash that hand again.
I feel stronger.
Like, I legit feel stronger.
- Can I hold it?
- Yeah.
- Dude from Accounting.
- Thanks for the win, Sterling.
Keep my money right.
Keep my money right.
Go ahead, man.
All right.
Hey,
welcome back, Lance.
Thank you,
thank you.
Aw, he's the most
adorable agent ever!
Somebody gonna get it.
Oh! Agent Sterling.
Walter Beckett.
Weirdo.
Unitee loves you.
All right, Unitee.
Imagine...
a hydrothermal explosion is
about to melt your face off.
But what's this?
A gadget that can surround
you in a pressurized pocket
of safety?
"Can it work?"
It hasn't yet, but maybe.
Here we go.
Session number nine,
test 30... Oh!
Oh, hey, Terrance.
Tonight's the season finale
of Hearts in Seoul.
I sent you an e-vite.
I, uh...
You just click "accept"
in your...
Agent Sterling.
Uh... Hi, wow.
Uh, Walter Beckett.
Pleasure to meet...
Aw.
You used it.
You touched my stuff.
Okay, okay. Look, I know
it's non-traditional, but...
Feel me here, little man.
So, I'm out there...
and I'm saving the world,
doing big things.
- That's what I do.
- Mmm-hmm.
And the way I do it...
is to have my things
do the things
I expect my things to do.
Yep. Ow.
Like blow stuff up.
See, out there...
I gotta fight
fire with fire.
Because if I try to fight
fire with glitter...
I could get my face
burned off.
But you didn't.
Because the kitty glitter
worked.
- Kitty litter?
- Glitter.
Kitty glitter.
It's scientifically proven
that watching kittens...
causes the
enterochromaffin cells
to release serotonin.
Glitter makes people happy.
Know what works
even better?
A grenade.
It's kinda violent,
don't you think?
Can't save the world
with a hug, Wilson.
It's Walter.
And what if you could?
The inflatable hug.
Kind of a personal protection
device I've been developing.
This is a vile
waste of taxpayer dollars.
Look, I'm just saying
you can do more
by bringing
people together...
than blowing them up.
And if I can
convince you,
we can convince
the whole agency.
There is no "we."
Uh, Agent Sterling.
Just...
- Okay. Okay, okay.
- Millennials.
No, wait, wait, wait.
Please don't close that door.
Not interested.
Listen, you gotta
hear me out.
Whatever it is, no.
Phew. Look, I've been working
on this thing
at home, right...
that is gonna change
spying forever.
Imagine...
if I could make you,
wait for it...
drumroll, please...
disappear.
Disappear?
Yeah.
Disappear.
Why are you saying it
like that?
For effect.
I'm totally
excited about it.
It's called
bio-dynamic concealment.
Boom. Mic drop.
Huh? Conceal this?
I mean, you wouldn't
need a bulletproof suit.
You wouldn't need
exploding cufflinks.
You could blend in anywhere.
What if you were totally...
...invisible?
Wow. Dude.
That's a mess.
Don't worry yourself.
The effects,
they're only temporary.
All right, cool, cool.
I'm gonna get outta here.
Wait, wait, wait.
Look,
you're the world's greatest spy.
Nobody ever listens
to my ideas
or gives me a chance...
but if you did...
together...
we could really
make a difference.
"Make a difference"?
Boy, I am the difference.
All I need from you
is when I want a grenade...
make me a grenade.
Can you do that?
There's a better way.
Wrong answer, Willy.
You're fired.
What? Wait.
No, no, no.
Uh, please don't fire me!
Weirdo.
Mission accomplished.
Oh, man, I'm telling you,
it was one of my best.
I was on fire.
Fighting, explosions,
tons of witty catchphrases.
Lance?
I had to jump
through a helicopter.
Lance?
- Right?
- Lance!
- Hmm?
- Please tell me
you have an explanation
for why this is empty.
I know why.
Because he stole it.
Excuse me?
Agent Marcy Kappel,
Internal Affairs.
Mind if my team
sweeps the room?
Yes, I mind.
They call me Eyes.
Spectral analysis and
quantum optical thermography.
Ears. Sound.
Okay.
Hey, y'all need to ease out
of my face right now.
Whoa! Hey.
Weapons deactivated.
Backing up.
Take Agent Sterling
into custody.
All right, enough!
We're talking about
my top agent here.
I trust this man.
The only thing we can trust
is the facts.
Eyes?
A surveillance camera
in Tokyo
picked this up two hours
after your mission.
Stop right there.
- Lance?
- Joy.
His heart rate
just spiked.
That's because
it isn't me.
Vocal patterns
is all off the hook.
This has to be wrong.
This is wrong!
I didn't...
Look, there was a guy
with a robot hand.
He stole the Assassin,
and he scanned my face
to frame me.
That sounds plausible,
and not like something
you just made up.
Sounds a little
Scooby-Doo, bro.
It isn't me!
Okay, so,
just to be clear...
there's a man with a robot
hand and Lance's face
who took the M9 Assassin.
We all feel good
about that?
Okay, case closed.
Let's go home.
You know what?
There's a bad guy
who needs to be stopped.
Couldn't agree more.
Huh. You're good.
Lance, just cooperate.
Didn't see that coming,
did you?
Did you see that coming?
He's running.
Why do they always run?
Off to save the world again?
Uh, yeah, you, too.
You, too.
- 'Sup, Sterling?
- All good, all good.
Sorry.
Sterling!
Now.
Northwest corner.
Got him.
Coming through,
coming through.
Security!
Shut this place down!
Agent Sterling?
I would do what she says.
She is very unpleasant.
Agent Sterling!
What's happening, man?
I was just telling the guys
about the time you...
All right, Sterling.
Think.
Think.
Somebody else knows
about Robot Hand.
Who?
Kimura.
Find Kimura.
Tracking Katsu Kimura.
Wireless signal intercepted
in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico.
You shouldn't be
calling me.
Mexico.
I'm trying to lay low!
I need to disappear.
Disappear.
Bingo.
Hope you got
your pants on, Wilbur.
Unitee.
I miss you, Mom.
See, Lovey?
Some dreams do come true.
Oh, um...
Okay.
Commencing bio-dynamic
concealment
test number 83,
batch five.
Exothermic reaction.
That's an exothermic reaction.
Uh, Lovey, could I borrow
a feather, please?
Thank you.
Here's a little something
for you.
If this works,
they'll have to
give me my job back.
No way. It worked.
It worked.
It worked! It worked!
It worked!
Lovey, it worked!
It worked!
I need to disappear.
What... How did you...
What are you doing in my...
What's up?
Okay, listen.
That next-generation
concealment tech
you were
talking about earlier...
you wouldn't happen to have it on
hand, would you?
Actually, I do happen
to have it in hand.
- Show it to me.
- Sure. Um...
Well, can I
offer you a drink?
I got water,
Soylent drinkable
meal replacement...
Mmm. Good.
We had a drink.
So, what are we
talking about here?
Light-bending camo suit?
Adaptive response silicon...
Diet stuff
has a weird aftertaste.
What's the tech?
Um... Well,
you just drank it.
- Drank what?
- The tech.
Now it's gone. Yep.
Why do you have
a pigeon in here?
Yeah, okay, that's just Lovey.
She's my roommate.
- How am I gonna do this?
- Um, that's weird.
This is bad.
No, it's not.
To have a pigeon
in your house.
It's amazing.
It's science. Here we go.
You just drank
an ingestible formula
that uses a CRISPR-Cas9
genetic editor...
to resequence your DNA
on a molecular level.
Science rocks.
Wow! Okay, here's
what I need you to do.
Pretend like
you're a normal person
talking to a much cooler
normal person.
In precisely 45 seconds,
you will transform into...
a pigeon.
I'm out.
Wait, wait, wait.
What you're about
to experience
is the future of espionage.
Okay.
You might be experiencing
some mild discomfort.
Or severe.
I'll make a note of that.
This is because
I fired you, right?
Okay, I'm gonna walk
outta here.
Yeah, that might be hard.
Because you're in the middle
of chromothripsis.
Okay, might pass out.
Oh, you're definitely
gonna pass out.
Your genomes
are being smashed apart...
so they can be reassembled
with pigeon DNA.
Muscle it down, Lance.
Muscle it down.
Oh! What did you do?
What did you do?
Whoa.
You're entering Phase Two.
Epigenetic modulation.
Think of each gene
as having a switch.
And one by one, your switches
are flipping to pigeon.
Human-pigeon, human-pigeon,
human-pigeon.
Human-pigeon,
human-pigeon, human-pigeon.
Stop with the lights!
Wait, look at my hand!
What's happening
to my hand?
Baby hand.
This is the final phase!
This isn't so bad.
Your body is
being flooded with endorphins
to prepare you
for the immense physical pain
you're about to experience.
Wait. Say that again.
You poisoned me!
"Poisoned"?
That's not even
my department.
Squeeze the poison out.
I wouldn't do that.
Three seconds.
You're gonna be fine.
Trust me.
Here we go.
Hmm?
- Ha!
- What?
Whoa. That clock's fast.
Lance?
Lance.
It worked.
Subject's vitals are stable.
Inserting rectal thermometer.
It's okay, buddy.
Hey, it's okay.
Don't you worry.
Your good friend Walter
is here.
Subject appears disoriented.
Of course I'm disoriented.
You can talk?
Lovey, he can talk!
- It worked.
- My eyes!
It worked.
Can you believe this?
What did you do
to my eyes?
- Hey, Lance, look at me.
- What did...
Look at you?
I can't not
look at you, Walter.
I can see my butt and your
face at the same time!
That is so cool!
Fact, pigeons have
360-degree vision.
Now, nobody can sneak up
behind you.
- Stop, girl. Come on.
- This is so great.
Pigeons can be found in every
major city around the world...
and no one notices them.
It's the most perfect form
a spy could take.
You better un-bird me
right now.
That's it. I'm not playing
with you. Un-bird...
I'm raising my voice.
I probably shouldn't be
raising my voice at you.
I guess you could imagine
I'm a little stressed
right now.
I need you
to un-bird me, Walter.
Mmm-hmm.
Of course.
I'll start working
on an antidote right now.
Start?
Well, the formula was purely
theoretical until you...
You're gonna start?
You don't have an antidote?
Stop, girl, seriously.
Okay, okay.
So, you birded me,
and you can't un-bird me.
Technically, you kind of
birded yourself.
I'mma hurt this boy.
- I'mma hurt this boy.
- No, no, look.
I know you're upset,
but everything's okay.
I called the Agency
and told them you're here.
You did what?
No, no, no, it's okay.
I didn't tell them
you're a bird.
Although I think
they're gonna
figure that out
pretty quickly.
I gotta ghost.
Yeah, there may be one or two
downsides to your new form.
Webster, open the door.
Okay. Okay.
What... Why are you running
from the Agency?
Get off me!
I'm running...
because there's a bad guy
out there with my face...
and now I have to try
to stop him
from hurting people
while being a bird.
And thank you for that.
Thank you very much for that.
You know what?
You're fired again.
Double fired!
Mmm, I don't think
that's a thing.
Oh, it's a thing.
It's a thing now.
Okay.
It's a wingsuit.
How hard could it be?
Time to fly.
Nope.
You broke into the Kremlin
using a napkin
and a piece of duct tape.
You should be able
to get into your own car!
Yep, yep, yep.
Got it, got it,
got it... Ow!
Come on.
Okay,
hear me out.
Is somebody talking?
I don't hear anybody talking.
Especially somebody
that's been double fired...
working on a triple fire.
I'll come with you.
I can show you all the
advantages of being a pigeon
and how it can make you
an even better spy.
And then you'll give me
my job back.
We both win.
All right,
let me think about that.
No.
Okay. Well,
I suppose you have somebody else
who has a mobile lab...
who could turn you back
into a man.
- Get in the car.
- You won't even know I'm here.
I'll just ride out here,
don't worry.
Oh, right. My bad.
Go, go, go!
Moving through.
I want that tree gone, now!
Agent Sterling,
exit the premises now!
What are you doing?
Get in the car!
Holy...
Wilfred! Let's move!
Let's go, go, go!
Activate auto-drive.
Auto-drive engaged.
Sterling private jet hangar.
See that, Walter?
You can bird me...
but you can't stop me.
He was behind us.
Buckle up. And get me
everything we can
on that Beckett kid.
You think
they're working together?
Sterling works alone.
He's using him for something.
You brought the lady bird?
She's my emotional
support animal.
You're gonna need
a life support animal
if that bird poop in my...
We got company.
We've got units
blocking every street,
overpass, and exit
within a 5-mile radius.
Perfect.
Time for a cattle drive.
Saddle up!
Evasive maneuvers activated.
I don't have
time for this.
- Activate weapons.
- What?
- Activating weapons.
- Relax.
I'm just gonna
take out her tires.
Uh, that's really bad.
I dare you.
Deactivating weapons.
No,
we're the good guys.
We can't shoot
the other good guys.
Yeah, you're right, Walter.
Let's just pull over
and talk it out.
Exactly. Can we?
- Activate weapons.
- Activating weapons.
- Deactivate weapons.
- Deactivating weapons.
How about something
non-lethal like oil slick?
Activate weapons.
Deactivate weapons.
Don't listen to Walter.
Activate weapons.
- Oil slick.
- Activate weapons.
Oil slick! Oil slick!
Oil slick!
This man trippin'.
Oil slick! Oil slick!
Oil slick!
Deactivate.
System shut down. Goodbye.
Oh, what did you do?
He's like a god
of the asphalt.
We'll see about that.
All right, all right.
I got this. I got this.
I got this. I got this.
We're gonna die!
- Oh, no.
- Watch out!
We should be coming
up on him any second.
This ends now.
Is everyone in position?
Affirmative.
In position.
Walter, get that computer
back online.
Systems coming back online.
Defensive applications online.
- Oil slick?
- Fine,
whatever! Just press it!
Wait!
We're driving backwards.
We're driving backwards.
No!
That was tight.
Yep. It's official.
I'm a fan.
Did anyone else see
a pigeon in that car?
Auto-drive engaged.
I can't help but feel like
some of this is my fault.
Some? Joker,
this is all your fault.
Airstrip. Now.
I'm sorry. Jeez.
Didn't mean to ruffle
your feathers.
I hate you.
Lovey, this is the opportunity
we've been waiting for.
There are so many gadgets
I wanna test in the field.
We got the binder bubbles,
collide-oscope,
hypno-stars,
blamethrower, snorepedo.
We've got the multi-pen.
We haven't even tried the
multi-pen in the...
I'm gonna need
a code name.
Bond. Hydrogen Bond.
Oh, no, where is it?
Wait! What is that?
What is that?
Oh! No, no. Fly, fly, fly!
Hey, everything go okay
in there?
I just found out that
number one and number two...
both come out
of the same place.
So, no.
Things are not okay.
Yeah. It's called
a cloaca.
It sounds weird and gross,
but having a cloaca
just means...
Dude!
I know what it means.
Saw it in the mirror.
I know you're not
in a good place right now...
but there are benefits
to being a pigeon.
Okay, so read
what used to be my lips.
You're only here,
because A,
I can't work a touchscreen
enough to eject you...
and B, you're supposed to be
working on something, correct?
Oh, the antidote.
Right. Sure.
Yeah, that's going to take
18 hours to render.
I'm stuck like this,
with this body, for 18...
Ooh, boy...
Whoo! Okay,
walk this one off.
You know,
being a pigeon
is actually way cooler
than it seems.
And if you just embrace
your new form,
you'll see
all the advantages.
Like, fact,
did you know
that pigeons can see
in slow motion?
Because, fact,
pigeons can fly
up to 92.7 miles
per hour.
And, fact, pigeons are
highly intelligent animals
who like to play games.
Oh, and, fact...
Fact! You should have kept
your seat belt on.
Whoo!
Fact, pigeons can see
ultraviolet light...
which is a broad
spectrum of light
the human eye
can't even see.
Fact, pigeons are
a flock animal,
which makes it easier
for them to...
All right, Kimura,
I'm coming for you.
Lance Sterling
is on the scene.
And Bond.
Hydrogen Bond.
Dude, you need medicine.
- Go, go, go!
- Hey!
You just pushed me.
All right, y'all better squad
up, 'cause here comes the...
Hey! Did you just
toe-poke me?
You're a pigeon.
You can walk right past them.
Oh. Huh.
Just a regular old bird.
Uh, that's not
a pigeon sound.
Till you grow a cloaca,
I decide
what the bird sounds are.
They're so stupid.
You see, it's like
you're invisible.
All right.
Your room key, sir.
Bingo.
Okay, let's figure this out.
You and me. Let's go.
Let's brainstorm.
How we gonna find this nut?
Uh, you are gonna
sit down right here
on this very nice couch.
But I'm your wingman.
Ooh, you know who needs
a wingman? That couch.
Go sit your narrow behind down
and do some science stuff...
and I'mma go find Kimura.
Alone.
Oh, what is that
heavenly smell?
Mmm.
Oh, no.
Do not do it, Lance.
Oh...
Mmm. Lance!
Have some dignity.
Walter, what is happening?
It must be some sort of latent
avian instincts kicking in.
Why am I eating food
off of the ground?
Why does it taste amazing?
Ugh. No, I'm good.
Thank you.
Oh, wow.
My dude, seriously,
give me 10 feet.
Hey, no, human feet.
Back up.
Oh, no.
I wish I could unsee that.
This is huge.
They've made you part of their flock.
I'm not trying to be
a part of nobody's flock.
Shoo! Back up, fanboy.
I don't care that your name is Jeff.
Beat it.
You can understand them?
What? No, no!
- Does Lovey really love me?
- I'm not hearing bird-talk.
Am I her best friend?
None of this is right!
Nice to meet you, Jeff.
Stop talking to Jeff!
Ugh.
All right, what alias
are you using, Kimura?
"Not Kimura."
Wow. That's clever.
I am way too good at this.
Oh, come on.
Seriously, fellas.
Not now.
This is so humiliating.
Hey, I'm not for the games.
You better not...
Mmm-mmm.
Stop it.
Stop it! Stop!
No!
Stop it!
What is wrong with you?
Oh.
Well, would you look at that?
Being in a flock helped you.
Not my flock!
Lance...
Lance.
Wait, wait, wait. Uh...
You should not
go up there alone.
Maybe I have something else
that can help.
Walter, I do not need
your help.
Never will.
Can you push "20"
for me, please?
I thought
you didn't need any help.
I don't.
- Feels like helping.
- Nope.
- Yeah, a little bit.
- Didn't.
- Did!
- Did not!
Who's there?
Talk while you still
have lips.
Shut it, Kimura.
Sterling.
Uh-uh. Eyes front,
hands up.
Ooh. Scratch that.
Pick up your towel.
One hand up.
What do you want?
Here's how this works.
I ask the questions,
you answer.
What?
What?
I don't know
how to answer that.
How did you get here?
Huh? How did I...
I'm not telling you anything.
Stop! Get off of me.
You sold the Assassin
to a guy with a robot hand.
Where is he?
He'll kill me
if I tell you that.
Oh, and you think
I won't? Talk!
Oh!
All right, Kimura,
3 ounces of pressure to the vagus nerve.
Sleepy night-night!
I miss my hands.
Lance Sterling
is gonna die a pigeon...
and be buried in a shoebox.
Lance, are you okay?
Walter?
Sterling is here somewhere.
I want agents on every exit.
And everyone be careful.
This is Lance Sterling
we're dealing with.
Tell me where
Robo Hand is.
Never.
Boy, I'm about to
pigeon-wing-slap...
Oh. Oh, tough guy.
Okay.
Then we do it
the hard way.
Walter,
I need a funnel,
jumper cables,
and a Nickelback album.
Nickelback?
What?
But that would hurt him.
That's the whole point.
I know what to do.
No, no, no.
- Don't do that.
- Ooh.
That's what
I'm talking about, Walter.
Go science on this fool!
Oh, yeah!
I'm gonna science
all over your face.
Please, don't!
Did you just give that
man a refreshing spritz?
It's a truth serum,
but yes,
it has a lavender
quality to it.
Watch.
Kimura,
what's your biggest secret?
I peed in the pool.
That's a lot of honesty.
Who is Robo Hand?
And why is he wearing my face?
I don't know who he is.
Then what do you know?
Well, I know
how to play the flute.
About Robo Hand!
I know he's on his way
to Venice right now
to steal the Agent Database.
He's going to kill me.
- Agent Database?
- Database.
Who says "database"?
Shut up.
He'll know the identities
of everyone at the Agency.
And once he does...
he'll use the Assassin
to eliminate all of them.
Not if I stop him first.
She is relentless.
Block the door.
We need something heavy.
I'm heavy.
Are you pulling?
Of course I'm pulling!
Why aren't you pushing?
Just put your weight
behind it.
I am putting my weight!
I'm feathers!
It's like a big bag
of pudding!
Ugh. Yuck.
This is so embarrassing.
Come on, Walter.
Use your glutes.
You're out of moves, Sterling.
You and Beckett
are wanted for treason.
We gotta go. Now.
No. Don't leave me
like this.
Sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Ears?
- Consider it done.
We gotta get to that balcony.
We're gonna have to parkour.
What?
Cat pass! Tic-tac!
Jelly roll!
Desk lamp!
Flimflam! Bottle cap!
I don't know
what any of that means.
Hi.
What the... What happened
to you?
Oh, don't do that.
You're gonna make me...
Now or never, Walter.
Gotta go! Come on, Walter!
You can do this!
Okay, it's a physics problem,
Walter. Come on.
It's basic physics!
It's just basic physics.
You're right.
- We can do this.
- Beckett!
- We can do this.
- Beckett, don't you...
We're gonna do this!
We can do this!
Use your gadgets!
Use your gadgets!
A-ha! Grappling hook!
Fly! Fly!
What am I doing wrong?
There he is!
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
Well, that's not good.
Oh!
Walter, what else
you got on that pen?
No.
Oh, hello, soft landing.
Oh! Whoa!
Walter!
Go, go, go!
Oh, these guys
are the worst.
- There he is!
- Don't move!
The multi-pen!
Yes! Great.
Shoot 'em!
Well, that is suboptimal.
That has a bit of
a suck factor to it.
Yeah, pillow.
Good call.
Lance, get down.
Get down!
Huh?
Serious string.
Like Silly String,
but serious.
Oddly effective.
Come on, let's ghost.
There's something
you don't see every day.
Wow. This is tripped out.
This is...
I don't know what this is.
This couldn't
have been Sterling.
No one's even hurt.
It might be
that kid, Beckett.
But that doesn't make sense!
Beckett is just some nobody
in the gadget lab.
Well, according
to his file,
that "nobody"
graduated MIT at 15...
and invented a way
to edit human genomes
in middle school.
Dude is Jeopardy! smart.
Well, so are we.
I stepped in it.
I stepped in the goo.
Yeah, me, too.
These are my new kicks, man.
I hope this works.
I hope this works.
I hope this works.
Please, please, please.
Weapons system online.
Agent Database
required for targeting.
It's done!
The entire facility
is running at full capacity.
Everything is exactly
how you wanted it.
But, please, the destruction
this is capable of...
Since when
does your agency care
about the many, many,
many lives it destroys?
No!
Wait, wait, wait! No, no, no!
No, please, please!
Wait, wait, wait!
You said if I helped you,
you'd let me go.
Oh, yeah, I did.
Didn't I?
I hear Venice is wonderful
this time of year.
Aw, yeah.
Just wait
till I get to Venice.
I'mma tear that fool
his own cloaca.
Walter!
- Walter!
- Huh? What?
You're still working
on that antidote, right?
Working on it?
In a couple minutes,
it's done.
But do you know
what else is working?
If you say being a pigeon...
Being a pigeon!
I'm really gonna
throw this boy in the ocean.
What?
Hey, how did
y'all get here?
Jeff and Crazy Eyes
aren't going to abandon you.
- They're part of your flock.
- Come on. No.
Get your beak
out my drink.
I have no idea
where that beak has been.
Back out.
- No! Stop it!
- Okay, okay.
Here you go, guys.
Come on.
Have some of these.
They're gluten-free.
You're joking, right?
That one ate gum
stuck to a tissue.
And a spy pen.
We should probably
do something about that.
It's ready.
Finally.
May I?
Not this time, Lovey.
Thank you.
Ow!
Joker.
Well, that's not good.
"Not good" as in
it'll taste bad
but still turn me back
into a human?
Mmm, "not good" as in
it won't turn you
back into a human...
and if you drink it,
all your cells will catch on fire.
Come on, man!
I'm sorry.
I'll figure it out.
Science is
all trial and error.
This isn't
a science lab.
If I don't stop this guy,
people will die!
You don't think
that I want to stop him, too?
Why do you think
I'm on this boat?
Do you have any idea
of how much motion sickness
medication I'm on right now?
I can hardly feel my legs!
But I'm here
because I believe...
together, we can find
a good way to stop the bad.
I know you do, man.
But it's a fantasy.
When the bad guys hit you,
you hit 'em back.
You hit 'em so hard
that they don't get back up.
You gotta fight fire
with fire.
When we fight fire with fire,
we all get burned.
There's no good guys
or bad guys.
Just people.
And people are worth saving.
Isn't that our job?
Evil doesn't care
that you're nice.
I watch good people
be taken every day.
But you wouldn't know
nothing about that.
You'd be surprised.
First time in Venice?
First time anywhere, really.
It's always been my dream
to come here
and feed the pigeons.
You need help.
Time to put
your game face on.
That's the Agency Data Vault.
Data Vault.
If Robo Hand wants
a list of agents,
that's where he'll find it.
- You remember the plan?
- What plan?
You said, "Stay out of the
way and let me kick some..."
Good. You remember it.
Long way
from home, Walter.
Kimura talked.
I know Sterling's here
in Venice. Where is he?
Stay cool.
Where's Sterling?
I can tell you
where he's not.
Which is right here.
What? No,
we can't just kill her.
That's dark, Lovey.
Look, I know
you're not a criminal.
You're a bright kid.
You're inventing things that
nobody has ever thought of.
I know because my boot is
still stuck in one of 'em.
Sorry.
No, no. We're the ones
who owe you an apology.
You're trying to keep
the world safe...
just like your mother did.
I read your file.
I know she sacrificed her life
to save people.
I can help you, Walter.
I can get you
your job back.
A new lab.
All the equipment you need.
Show them what you can do...
and no one will
ever call you weird again.
You just have
to give me Sterling.
No.
We should
all be working together.
Bad move, Beckett.
Sterling!
Stay here.
Let's go.
- It's the Assassin.
- Come on.
Destroy the target!
We can't let that thing
out of here.
Open fire!
It's got the database.
Oh, man.
It's not working!
I'm on it.
This is not good!
- Take cover!
- Now!
- Let's go.
- Beckett, don't you...
- Don't worry. We'll stop it.
- Beckett!
I mean, I'll stop it,
because Lance is definitely not here.
We can't catch this thing
on foot.
Whoa, hey, hey,
what are you doing?
You're a pigeon, Lance.
You're one of the fastest
birds in the world.
No, put me down, Walter!
You need to fly!
I believe in you.
There's another way!
Boy, don't you throw me
off this roof!
He'll figure it out.
Come on.
I'm gonna die.
I'm flying.
I'm flying.
I'm flying...
Oh, you're flying me.
Thank you.
Good looking out.
Whoa!
Whoa. All right, guys.
Let's go!
We got an Assassin to catch.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
That works, too.
- This is official business!
- Oh.
Okay.
Phew.
This is official business!
We need to get
that database.
Any ideas?
Oh! I like how you think.
Bullseye!
Got it.
Yeah, didn't think
he'd like that.
Good job.
Oh, that's right.
You all like games.
Let's play
some Keep Away.
Go long.
Oh, no!
Not so easy,
is it, Roomba?
Lovey, all you, girl!
Hit me. I'm open.
I got it! I got it!
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no!
This is about to suck!
No!
Come on, come on, come on!
Catch of the century!
I've never caught anything
in my whole life!
That was amazing.
We did it!
We're gonna
talk about
you throwing me
off that roof, though.
Yeah, I really thought
that would work out better.
Nah, it's cool, it's cool.
We're gonna holler
about it in a minute.
You know, I'm gonna let you
have this moment.
Whoo! We're unstoppable...
Uh-uh-uh.
That belongs to me.
Technically, it belongs to
the United States government.
Lance! Lance!
Sterling?
What do you say, Lance?
Come out.
We'll have some good fun.
You're the hero, right?
The spy who saves the day...
destroying anybody
that stands in your way.
Oh, I'd love
to have some fun.
Guess he's not coming.
No.
Ah, life's full
of disappointment.
You don't have
to do it this way.
It won't make
anything better.
No.
No!
Walter!
Breadcrumbs?
They're gluten-free.
Lance, let's go.
Hold it right there!
Turn around
nice and slow!
Hands where I can see them.
Both hands.
Watch out!
Did anybody else see that
Agent Sterling had...
A robot hand?
Yeah.
Phew.
Totally crazy.
When he had his foot on my
head, I was like...
And you were like, "No!"
And then, I was like,
"Breadcrumbs!"
He still got away
with the database.
Or did he?
Or did he?
Or did he?
I feel like
you want me to say,
"What are you
talking about?"
Oh, I'll tell you
what I'm talking about.
During the whole
bird-nado thing,
I put a tracker on him.
Wait. That's him?
That's Robo Hand?
- Yep.
- Yes!
Yes! My man!
Oh, there is no way
I could have done this
without you, Walter.
- What?
- What?
What did you say?
I think I said...
You said you couldn't
have done it without me.
All right.
Okay, we've reached the
time limit on this, Walter.
All right, hey, hey,
will you stop?
You're squeezing too...
Oh! Whoa!
Walter, what happens
in the submarine
stays in the submarine.
You just laid an egg.
You laid an egg!
It just kinda
slipped out, man.
You just laid an egg!
Lance, this is amazing.
Do you not realize
what this means?
You're a girl!
Oh! Excuse me?
Of course, of course.
That's why
I couldn't figure this out.
I used Lovey's DNA in the serum.
And that helps us how?
Because now
all I need to do
is change one variable
in the antidote...
and you'll be human again.
I'm gonna be me.
Unless, you know,
maybe you wanna stay
a pigeon a little longer.
Right.
Of course.
One antidote
coming right up.
Director Jenkins,
we lost the database.
Every Agency employee
is compromised.
You need to pull everyone in
for their own safety.
And you're sure
it was Lance?
Yes.
Maybe?
Okay, I don't know
what I saw.
But I still know for a fact
that Sterling came here
on this boat.
Sterling
wasn't on this boat.
Son of a...
Come on!
There's gotta be something.
A footprint,
a candy wrapper,
some overpriced
face lotion...
because there is no way
that his skin looks
that good without help.
Look, everything is
coming up blank.
If Sterling was
on this boat...
he didn't leave
a fingerprint,
his lips never touched
a glass...
and somehow
he didn't have feet.
I think it's safe
to say that
your investigation
isn't getting anywhere.
Huh.
Lance?
Lance?
Oh...
Did it work?
Okay, take it easy.
I got my hands back.
Yes! Yes!
Oh, my pecs.
My pectoral muscles.
My abdominalia.
Oh, Walter, you are a...
I just...
I can do that
'cause I got lips now!
I'm naked.
Little bit awkward.
Lucky for you,
I planned ahead.
Good call.
There he is.
Lance Sterling.
Back in action.
You have
arrived at your destination.
All right, Robo Hand.
I'm coming for you.
Okay. Robo Hand
is a mile due west.
So, what's the plan,
partner?
I got plenty of glitter,
yay-palm, a splat-a-pult...
No.
No what?
I'm taking it
from here, Walter.
You're kidding, right?
Look, lives are on the line.
I got this now.
You've got this?
But we're a team.
You said so yourself.
And you did your job.
You un-birded me.
Now it's time
to do things my way.
End this fool.
That's wrong.
You're so wrong.
Look, I've got
everything that we...
This is not the place
for your weird gadgets.
Weird?
Go home.
No.
I'm not giving up. Ow.
Lance...
I can't lose
any more good people.
I fly solo.
Ow!
I think that's yours.
But that face
you've been using is mine.
It's over.
Database isn't gonna
do you any good
with your fancy toy
messed up like that.
You really thought
I was gonna use one drone...
to take out every name
on this list?
I mean, I did.
Until you asked
that question that way.
Casts a little doubt.
Tell me, Agent Sterling.
You managed
to stop one drone.
How do you plan
on stopping 1,000?
Sleepy night-night.
Huh?
Do you feel
that dread?
Oh, can you feel it?
Rolling around you
like a fog.
I told you.
I don't even know you, man.
But I know you.
Think about it.
No?
I'll give you
a little bit of help.
Kyrgyzstan.
Ah...
He remembers.
I mean, I certainly
never forgot that day.
You were magnificent.
You were a one-man army.
Lot of witty
catchphrases...
and you had all these fancy
toys that just went boom!
Boom.
Boom.
You were a bunch
of bad dudes
about to hurt
a lot of innocent people.
And it's my job
to keep everyone safe.
Everyone?
I watched every single
one of my people die...
as your agency's weapons
rained down on us.
You took everything
from me.
And you know the rules.
You hit me hard, Sterling.
I hit back harder.
All of this...
because of you.
He's coming back
for me.
Walter, no.
No, no, no.
Walter.
No, no, no.
Okay.
Hey, this kid is harmless.
He doesn't have anything
to do with this, okay?
We can figure this out.
Look at me, look at me.
I'm sorry, all right?
There's another way!
Do you hear me?
Do not hurt this kid.
Oh, no.
Don't...
Don't do this.
- Please.
- No, no, no.
- Don't do this!
- No!
No!
I'm taking
everything from you.
Huh?
Oh, right. Yeah.
Walter.
But I saw...
How did you...
Oh, you know,
one of my weird gadgets.
The inflatable hug.
Thought I lost you, man.
I'll always have
your back, Lance.
That's what it means
to be a team.
It's something I learned
a long time ago.
From your mom?
You're a good friend, Walter.
And, hey, I'm sorry
for shooting you in your neck.
I'm sorry for the cloaca.
So, what's your plan
to stop this guy?
Nope. Not my plan.
Time to do it your way.
My way?
Oh, yeah. We about
to Walter-ize this thing.
Well, in that case...
we're gonna need
a bigger flock.
You're calling Marcy,
aren't you?
- Yep.
- Tell her I said hi.
- Let's get weird.
- Boom.
Nowhere to run
from this, Lance.
Listen, I'm sorry about
what happened in Kyrgyzstan.
But we are stuck in this
good guy-bad guy vortex.
We do not have
to do it like this.
Yeah, bit late for that.
It's not.
We're both just people
who make mistakes.
- We can work this out, man.
- That's it.
Almost there.
You're doing great.
I mean, come on.
We can break this cycle.
Got it. I'm connected.
Nobody else
has to get hurt.
You should know
better than anyone.
Someone always gets hurt.
Not today-day.
You brought
your own soundtrack?
We like to make an entrance.
Huh?
Oh.
Huh?
Would you look at that?
There's a man
with a robot hand
wearing your face...
who took the M9 Assassin.
Guess I owe you
an apology.
Okay. Go ahead.
No, that was it.
That was the apology.
Oh. I accept.
But you gotta admit,
it was a little Scooby-Doo.
Oh, 100% Scooby-Doo.
I'm gonna make this hurt!
Okay, come on through.
You are safe here. Come on.
Is that everyone?
Director, we've got
unknown incoming.
Approaching fast.
Oh, this is bad.
Lock this place down.
We're sitting ducks.
Walter hacked his hand.
We gotta buy him some time
to shut down the drones.
Got it. What kind of
firepower we talking?
Just go along with it.
Take your best shot.
This one sucks.
No, no, no,
that's binder bubbles.
Push the button on the back.
Button on the back,
button on the back!
Bubbles?
Oh, you gotta let me
try that.
That's a collide-oscope.
Throw it.
Splat-a-pult. Prism spray.
Hypno-stars.
Snorepedo. Scream Team.
Well, what have we
got to lose?
11 o'clock.
12 o'clock.
Half past 2! 4:30!
Security blanket.
It's upside down.
I'm a hugger.
Whoa.
Nice shot.
Thank you?
Walter, gonna need
a reload, buddy.
Ask and you shall receive.
Are those pigeons
wearing tiny backpacks?
Yay!
Now, that's hot.
That's hot.
I call it Fifty Shades of Yay!
Oh, come on, now!
You ready
to tap out yet?
Gadget lab.
Get to the gadget lab!
Grab every weapon you can!
Stop! Get back!
Oh, no.
Yay!
I'm a hugger.
Walter, my face
can't take much more of this.
You keep doing your thing
and I'll do mine.
Yeah, well, your thing
seems to be
a lot easier
than my thing.
We have
different skillsets.
That's what makes us
such a great team.
Dude.
- Excuse me.
- Ugh.
Whoo.
Why do I smell lavender?
We just got spritzed.
Uh-oh. Truth serum.
I have five cats,
each named after a member
of New Kids on the Block.
Oh, I love New Kids.
Jon, Joey, Jordan,
Donnie, and Danny.
I really wanna
hurt you right now.
You.
What...
What are you doing?
I'm not
telling you anything.
I'll tell you
what he's doing.
He's gonna hack
into your claw
and shut down
your drones.
Wow, this stuff
really works.
No, no, no.
No!
- Whoa!
- I'm coming, Walter.
Almost there. Don't let go.
Please don't let go.
Walter!
Walter.
Come on, come on.
Somebody do something.
If you shut 'em down now,
you'll kill us both.
And you're no killer.
No. I'm a hugger.
What?
One day, your gadgets
are gonna keep the world safe.
- Yes!
- Yes!
Never wash
that hand again!
I got you, Walter!
Lance? What are you...
It's okay.
It's okay.
You can't do this alone.
I am not alone!
Lovey?
Come on, birds!
Fly!
Walter.
Walter.
What does internal
bleeding feel like?
This.
It feels like this.
Oh, come here.
No, no, no. No hugs.
You gonna make me
lay an egg or something
in front of Marcy.
Huh?
He saved him.
I think I need a vet.
Once I can move again,
I'll turn you back into a man.
Sterling.
You're a bird?
Uh, hey, Marcy.
That's why
I couldn't find you!
Whoa, you're a bird.
That is messed up.
It's weird, right?
This is amazing.
We did it.
We took down the drones,
beat the bad guy,
saved countless lives.
We are so gonna get
our jobs back!
So, triple fired.
Yeah, man, that's gotta
be some kind of record.
I really didn't see
that coming.
Well, we did break a bunch of
laws, and defied orders...
and, I mean, committed
a little bit of treason.
Oh, right, yeah,
the treason.
Forgot about
the treason.
Hey.
It doesn't matter, man.
Look around.
Your mother would be
so proud of you right now.
You kept
all those people safe.
And you did it your way.
But you also did this.
Yeah.
I'll figure that out.
Sorry.
You know,
this gluten-free stuff
is really starting
to grow on me.
So, what do we do now?
Oh, we could...
Huh?
Marcy?
Okay,
I can't see or hear...
but my other senses are
elevated, so you... Ow!
Agent Sterling,
I apologize for the theatrics.
No, you don't.
You should have seen your
face when we grabbed you.
I didn't make a face.
No one's ever looked
more scared.
Are you two finished?
We are gonna
be okay, Lance!
Use your baby hand
to pick the lock!
Can you please
take that off him?
Okay, and you can...
Oh, hey. Hey, guys.
Is this about the treason?
Joy, what is going on?
We realize
we were wrong about you.
You're the future
of this agency,
and we want you
to lead a new team.
A highly covert global...
Let me stop you
right there.
I'm not leading nothing,
unless my man
Walter's on the team.
Um...
I think
she's talking to Walter.
- Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we...
- Just put that down.
Sometimes,
he talks for me,
I'll talk for him,
'cause we a team.
Me?
We need people like you.
People who can help the
Agency do things a new way.
What do you say?
Looks like we gonna
need some glitter.
Team Weird?
Team Weird.
Missile deactivated.