Spies, Lies & Naked Thighs (1988) - full transcript
In this spoof of spy films, Alan, a U.N. translator, and his kindergarten teacher wife, Beverly, get roped into helping foil a presidential assassination plot by an unlikely G-man-who just so happens to look like Alan's old colleg...
♪♪
[bird squawks]
[incoming roar]
[narrator]
Once upon a time,
the world conceived of a place
to be located on the shores
of the United States,
which would be exempt
from all that nation's rules
and regulations.
Within
this utopian environment,
meaningful treaties
would be proclaimed
and national leaders would not
pound their shoes on the table
when they didn't get their way.
To support such
a massive organization,
entire buildings
would be converted
to international housing,
where natural enemies
would live under one roof,
employing the honor system
not to spy on each other.
In other words,
this is a fairy tale
no matter how you look at it.
During
the Reagan administration,
an international disaster
was barely averted,
so our hero claims.
[delegates speaking
various languages]
...in our time,
can only become a reality
if we are willing to put aside
our petty differences...
[translators interpreting
in various languages]
[speaking Middle Eastern
language]
That is what my country
is all about.
[speaking Middle Eastern
language]
We are makers of peace, not war,
makers of love, not hate.
[speaking Middle Eastern
language]
-[gavel rapping]
-[moderator] Delegates,
please remain seated!
If I may interrupt
my distinguished colleague,
I think it only fair
to point out certain...
"irregularities"
in his position.
[speaking Middle Eastern
language]
I respectfully request
to regain the floor
per Robert's Rules of Order.
My distinguished colleague
will have ample opportunity
to rebut should my arguments
fail to dissuade him.
[speaking Middle Eastern
language]
-[gavel pounding]
-[moderator] Enough, delegate!
Decorum
is very important.
I reserve the right to pursue
other avenues of appeal
if this meeting proves
unsatisfactory to my country.
[speaking Middle Eastern
language]
-[gavel pounding]
-[moderator] No, please!
You name the time and place,
Abdul.
[gavel pounding]
[moderator] Will the delegates
please return to their seats.
[Alan] ...can only become
a reality
if we learn to put aside
our petty differences.
That is what this...
[moderator] Will the delegates
please return to their seats.
...organization is all about...
-[shouting continues]
-[moderator] May we please
have order?
[gavel rapping]
[shouting continues]
That is what my country
is all about.
[moderator] Will the delegates
please return to their seats.
We are makers of peace...
[delegates shouting]
...not war.
We are makers of love,
not hate.
[gavel rapping]
[moderator] Please, let's talk!
Although we do have
more tanks than you.
[guard] No, no,
through the detectors, sir.
Everyone has to do it.
Sorry, sir.
Thank you, there you go.
-[alarm sounds]
-Hold it, ma'am, you'll have
to walk through again.
[woman speaking
Middle Eastern language]
Al! Come here.
Do you understand her?
I think it's Farsi.
Why don't these people
learn to speak English?
-You have to walk through
again, please.
-[alarm sounds]
-[alarm sounds]
-All right, ma'am, what have you
got on under your clothes?
Come on, lady, what's
under there,
por favor?
[speaking Middle Eastern
language]
You'll have to be searched,
you understand that?
No, no. [flirtatiously speaking
Middle Eastern language]
Guess she likes you
more than me.
Uh, think you're gonna be
safe all alone with her?
Well, danger's my life.
Um, we have a room over here.
Standard procedure.
No need to worry.
Uh... I do this quite often.
You understand?
Quite...
OK, ma'am,
step this way, please.
This shouldn't take long.
All right now, you stay here.
I'll go and get a matron.
A lady to search you,
all right?
[woman] No, no, no, no.
[flirtatiously speaking
Middle Eastern language]
You want me to do it?
[woman] Uh-huh.
Huh. Well, if you insist.
All right, raise your hands,
please, like this.
[Middle Eastern music plays]
Yeah.
OK.
All right.
[alarm sounds]
You wouldn't be carrying
a gun under there, would you?
A Santy Claus cookie cutter.
[titters]
What could you possibly do
with a cookie cutter?
[woman] Yaah!
[Russian accent]
Another day, another ruble.
You have seen a ghost, perhaps?
[sighs] Perhaps.
How did you interpret
Omar's statement
that Abdul was possibly
emotionally involved
with his camel?
I said, "You are known to be
kind to all creatures,
great and small."
Ooh, I like that. I went for,
"Abdul, you're a pervert."
-You didn't!
-No. Maybe someday.
-[chuckles]
-Harry must be having
the time of his life.
He's been in there
for over an hour.
[Alan] Another summit coming up
between our two countries.
Everyone gets so excited,
nothing gets accomplished.
Nothing gets accomplished
because everyone gets
so excited.
Even hyenas need privacy
to mate.
What? Is that
an old Russian proverb?
I learned it from Lorne Greene.
It was a two-parter.
-[Alan chuckles]
-You know,
every time I look at our
apartment building, I think,
"Only in America."
Every nation imaginable
under one roof.
[Alan] The International Arms,
where every day is Halloween.
At least we don't have
anyone from Transylvania.
[Uri] You wouldn't say that
if you'd met the new guy in 3F.
[Alan laughs]
Home, sweet home.
The Tower of Babel.
Oh, so you Russians
do read the Bible.
Only in paperback.
[man, British accent] I can't
help but be suspicious.
[man, Asian accent] Don't look
at me, I didn't do anything!
Gentlemen, gentlemen, please!
I tell you,
he was always saying,
"Mighty fine dog you've got,"
and now Chadwick is missing.
Why blame me? Maybe he fall
down the elevator shaft.
Maybe he got run over
by the garbage truck.
The garbage trucks haven't been
around in weeks.
Listen, Mr. Pim, it's not
unusual for dogs to wander off.
He'll probably turn up
where you least expect him.
Exactly.
Perhaps I was too quick
to accuse.
I'm sorry.
That's OK, no hard feeling.
Maybe you come for dinner?
That's very kind.
What are you serving?
Stew.
Honey! You home?
-[Bev] Be right there.
-How was your day?
A triumph!
All 20 kids spelled "cat"
correctly, in English.
Careful. If all those countries
learn to communicate
at the kindergarten level,
I'll be out of a job.
[Bev scoffs]
What are you looking at?
Nothing, I guess.
Just that today...
-I thought I saw--
-Thought you saw what?
Somebody. I was probably wrong.
Well, who, Alan?
Well, it doesn't matter.
-As long as it wasn't Freddy--
-[knock on door]
Freddy Fallon!
-Freddy! Long time, no see.
-Not long enough.
-Six years.
-Come in.
-Get out!
-Gee, cute place.
-Get out, I hate you!
-Beverly.
You're talking to the best man
at our wedding.
Who tried to help me
with my wedding dress
by tearing it off.
Yes, you must be Beverly.
I've heard quite a bit
about you.
Oh, whatever you're
trying to pull, Freddy,
it's not going to work.
And then you
would be Alan, correct?
What is going on, Freddy?
Well, for one thing,
I am not Freddy Fallon,
but I must say that I'm
encouraged having fooled you,
Alan, his former
college roommate.
You're not fooling anyone,
now get out!
My identification.
A star? A sheriff's star?
I work for an agency
of the United States government
charged with national security.
I took an oath that my life
is meaningless.
A step in the right direction.
That's why I was willing
to undergo plastic surgery.
Get out!
If you'll just relax
for a moment,
I have a message
from the president
of the United States
which will explain
the importance
of your cooperation.
The president?
Yes. It's on a cassette here,
somewhere.
Where's the real Freddy Fallon
if you're not him?
-Which I doubt.
-Freddy Fallon is under
protective custody.
He was very cooperative
in filling me in on
the details of his life.
Obviously there will be gaps,
gaps which I will expect you
and you to help me fill.
Here it is.
You know, I still
get chills whenever I hear
the president speak.
To think that he would trust me,
and now you, with his life.
[presses "play" switch]
-[Ronald Reagan]
My fellow Americans...
-[patriotic soundtrack plays]
I was hoping for something
a little more personal.
Well, he was a little nervous
when he recorded this.
We must always remember
that our constitution
is to be celebrated,
not for being old
but for being young.
Young with the same energy,
spirit and promise
that filled each eventful day
in Philadelphia Statehouse.
When does he get to us?
Hey, he's a politician,
be patient.
Now, forgive me, but I can't
resist telling a little story.
You know, back in the day...
...a nation that does
great work lives forever.
We have done well.
But we cannot stop
at the foothills
when Everest beckons.
It is time for America to be...
...American dream real for all.
We must also look
to the condition
of America's families.
Struggling parents today worry
how they will provide
their children
the advantages that
their parents gave to them.
In the welfare culture,
the breakdown...
...held back by
horse-and-buggy programs
that waste tax dollars
and squander human potential.
We cannot win that race
if we are swamped
in a sea of red ink.
This sounds like the State
of the Union message to me.
No, here comes
the important stuff, right now.
And now,
on a much more personal note,
I have a very special request
for Ala--
[cassette sparking]
Oh, heck, that thing was
supposed to self destruct
at the
end
of the message.
Wouldn't you know it?
Looks like somebody's timing
was off.
Oh, well. What's for dinner?
Freddy, that recording
didn't say anything.
But it was the president, honey,
and it sounded like he was
about to say my name.
Listen, we'll go to a fancy
French restaurant, my treat.
And then we'll straighten
everything out tomorrow.
-Tomorrow?
-One night can't hurt.
-Well...
-And maybe, uh...
-[phone beeps]
-Evelyn could join us.
You know, Freddy's ex-wife?
I prefer to think of her
as my best friend.
I take it that Freddy caused
some hard feelings around here?
Just because
you dumped her? No!
Good, then let's
give her a call.
If I can convince her
I'm Freddy, I'm home free.
Let's let Evelyn decide
if she wants to see him.
Of course she'll want
to see him, she's still
in love with him.
I said she was my best friend,
I didn't say she had any brains.
Listen, if you two would
rather not get involved,
I can go out to dinner
with Evelyn myself.
-No, thank you, Freddy.
-[watch beeping]
I don't wanna leave you
alone with her.
Good. Then we'll need
a table for four.
Why are we walking, Freddy?
Cab drivers have ears.
And expect to be paid.
World peace is at stake.
We can't afford a leak.
As you know, there is
a meeting planned this week
between our president
and the Soviet premier.
We have uncovered a plot
to disrupt this meeting.
How, we do not know.
-Keep thinking, Freddy.
-Let's hear him out.
Thank you, Alan.
Now I know why Freddy
likes you so much.
We do know that the world's
most deadly assassin
is somehow involved.
A woman of unknown identity
who kills with seemingly
ordinary items.
Today she turned one of our men
into three dozen Santa Clauses
with a cookie cutter.
She did a wonderfully neat job.
There was only a handful
of Agent Maltby left
when she finished.
[truck engine revs]
Start walking but act natural.
What does any of this
have to do with you
looking like Freddy Fallon?
Quit pulling on me.
We're being followed
by a street sweeper.
Don't be ridiculous,
and answer Alan's question.
-Why do I look like Freddy?
-Yes.
It's simple. We have strong
evidence that the assassin
lives in your building.
Freddy is a known deadbeat,
Alan is a known pushover.
Therefore Freddy
stays with you indefinitely.
Forgot about me.
-Keep moving!
-Don't be paranoid.
I'm giving you
the benefit of the doubt.
-I'm trying to keep us alive!
-[Alan] It does seem to be
following us, dear.
[Bev] Nonsense!
Open the door!
-Do you have a tie?
-Yeah, I got a tie.
There's a street sweeper
following us!
You take care of the tie,
I'll take care
of the street sweeper.
-Get in there.
-Come on!
[Bev] Quit pushing me!
[blowing whistle]
[whistle chirping]
[concierge] Owww!
Bull's-eye.
I understand your friend
did that all the time.
Yes, but he always missed.
Oh, I have to remember that.
It could save my life.
Look, Freddy...
let's call a truce.
You stop
this ridiculous charade, plus...
be nice to Evelyn
when she gets here,
and I'll choke back
my hatred for you.
I can't do that, I'm not Freddy.
But thanks anyway, Bevvy.
-I hate being called Bevvy.
-I know, Freddy told me.
-That's why he does it.
-I know why he--
why
you
do it.
Cool it, here comes Evelyn.
Uh, hi.
I'm looking for a party of four
under Rossmore or Fallon.
Actually, I'm the fourth
of the...
How do you know
what she looks like?
Freddy showed me her picture.
We're very thorough.
-Hi. Hi, everybody.
-[Alan] Hi.
Sorry I'm so late.
I just...
I guess I was
just a little nervous, so...
There's nothing to be
nervous about, we're right here.
OK.
Hi, Evelyn.
Hi, Freddy.
[sniffs]
[sniffs]
Ooh!
You've changed your cologne.
They must have discontinued
Jungle Passion for Men.
Oh!
A guy has to change a little
after six years.
You know, you really are
different, Freddy.
[Freddy] How so?
Well...
I mean, I'm not quite sure,
but you never used to help me
with my chair like that before.
No, I like it a lot.
What else do you like?
You know...
[Bev] Evelyn!
Evelyn, think about
all those nights you
cried yourself to sleep!
I'm trying. I'm trying.
Down, Freddy, down!
[French accent]
May I tell you our specials?
Nah, just pop a couple of
bottles of your best bubbly
and await further instructions.
Very good, monsieur.
[Freddy] Mm! Mm!
[gulps]
Mm! Mm!
[gulps]
This is some chow, huh?
You like yours?
I'll tell ya...
I haven't had a meal like this
since I don't know when.
-What a feast, huh?
-[bone hits chair]
Oh, Capitan, would you mind?
[awkward laugh]
Same old Freddy.
Evelyn, you are
better off without him.
I know, but we had
some good times too.
We sure did.
My favorite was that vacation
in Hawaii that we had in August
-between the, uh...
-[watch beeps]
the 10th and the 22nd.
I will never forget
what you said to me that day
under the waterfall.
Good.
Then there's no need
for me to remind you.
Look, this has been
a charming reunion,
but I'm really beat.
Me too.
Check!
The tip has been
added in already.
OK. I hope you
gave yourself 25%.
I'm sorry, monsieur, but we
don't take Nicaraguan currency.
Well, what kind of French
restaurant are you running here?
That's OK, Captain, I've got it.
Right where he always
gives it to you.
Eeee!
[Evelyn laughing]
Oh, Freddy!
So, where are you
staying tonight?
-With them.
-No, you're not.
Oh, gee, in that case,
I've got an idea.
No, you don't.
I just wanna make sure Freddy
has a place to stay.
He has a place to stay, Evelyn.
So, what floor are you on,
Evelyn?
-Three.
-But you're staying
on four, Freddy.
[bell dings, door opens]
Whatever your faults, Freddy,
you were the best lover
in the whole world.
That's very... flattering.
[chuckles]
So, anyway, you know,
I was just thinking that...
maybe just tonight,
for old times' sake,
you might wanna...
Evelyn!
You'd regret it in the morning.
With Freddy?
Not before noon.
[Evelyn chuckles]
[sighs] But you're right.
I am not gonna let you
hurt me again.
Good, Evelyn, good!
'Cause I'm my own woman now...
And you have no power
over me, Freddy.
[Freddy] None?
Well...
Hmm, maybe just this once.
[sighs]
I guess I'm feeling
a little tuckered out tonight.
Ooh! That's not like Freddy.
Sweet dreams, Freddy.
[kisses]
[Freddy sighs]
[alarm beeps]
[stops]
Today he leaves. OK?
Good morning to you, too.
-Beverly, he was my friend once.
-I know.
We had a lot of good times
together.
But I'll kick him out,
sure I'll kick him out,
even though it's like
kicking out part of myself.
Oh, thank you!
Thanks, Alan.
You are a good man.
Freddy is not a good man.
There's just something
missing in him.
OK, but what if that guy
out there is not Freddy, OK?
What if our country
is
depending on us?
-You're kidding.
-I just wanna be
absolutely sure.
OK, then find out.
Take him with you today.
He won't be able
to fool you for long.
You're right.
Maybe he left already.
I don't hear him.
That's when he's most dangerous.
Hmm. You too.
Oh.
[Freddy] Oh, yes.
Oh, mama, you are good.
No, no,
come back, my proud beauty.
[Alan chuckles]
Ahoy, matey,
have you spotted land?
-Shh! I'm concentrating.
-Mind if I have a look?
OK, but just one,
and you gotta let me know
if you spot anything unusual.
[Alan laughs] Red alert.
-OK, let me have
the telescope back.
-Get your own telescope.
This is my telescope.
Come on, this is the property
of the U.S. government.
-You're obstructing justice.
-What's going on?
Honey, honey, honey, hi.
I was just helping Freddy
with his surveillance.
You call that surveillance?
I call that voyeurism.
Unfortunately, those lines
tend to get a little blurred
in the intelligence game.
Show's over, Freddy.
Hey, that woman's a suspect.
That woman
is a Brazilian librarian
who has a thing for my husband.
What makes you think so?
She never even talks to me.
Her body language
speaks volumes.
-Really?
-If I were you, Alan,
I'd be careful.
-She could be dangerous.
-I'll bet.
I'm not kidding.
Sonja Vargas is one
of our prime suspects.
That's why you've been
watching her so closely.
Now you're learning.
From a pervert.
Honey, honey, consider this.
He did know her name.
With that telescope,
he knows more about her
than her internist.
He probably saw her name
on some mail.
Hey! I was not looking
at her mail.
You know what, honey?
You're gonna be late for school.
-Gotta go.
-You're right.
-I'll see you tonight.
-Bye.
-Right.
-Wrong.
[Freddy] Bye, Bevvy.
[groans]
Oooh!
So, how's the marriage going?
[chuckles] Fine, Freddy,
until you showed up.
You know, if I really was
Freddy Fallon,
you guys would be
hurting my feelings.
[scoffs] Not the Freddy I know.
Sure hope she's not guilty.
Lost her.
Must be some test
I could give you.
Well, I wish there were,
but there just isn't.
I could ask you certain
personal questions about Freddy
only he would know.
Fine, then I probably
wouldn't know the answers.
Go ahead, try me.
OK, OK, what is Freddy's
favorite food?
That's a toss-up
between jelly doughnuts
and tuna fish sandwiches.
-Uh-huh.
-No, Freddy told me that
when he briefed me.
I'm telling you, there's no way.
OK, how about this:
you know what this means?
No. No, Freddy didn't
tell me that one.
-See the problem?
-But you could be lying.
Of course I could be lying,
and if I were Freddy,
for the sake of argument,
then I was lying when I was
talking about not knowing stuff
that only Freddy could know.
-I'm getting a headache.
-No, that's really more the IRS.
My agency, we tend to deal
with national security.
I tell you what,
I will break my cover
long enough to prove to you
that I am not Freddy Fallon,
how does that sound?
-Sounds very difficult.
-Very easy.
Just let me change.
You'll never change... Freddy.
[bell dings]
Max over there
is a fellow agent.
That explains why he's not
a very good desk clerk.
-Morning, Mr. Rossmore.
-Morning, Max.
Did you just wink at me, sir?
It's OK, Max, you can tell
Mr. Rossmore who I am.
Fine by me, but first you
got to tell
me
who you are.
Wait, you don't know this man?
Thought he was
a friend of yours.
That's what he told me yesterday
when he arrived.
Max, I'm telling you,
it's OK to break cover.
That's OK, Max,
you just concentrate
on not losing my mail.
Let's go, Freddy.
Pretty impressive, huh?
The way that Max kept his cover
no matter what I said?
That's the way we're trained.
It can be kind of embarrassing
at times, like now,
but in the long run,
it saves lives.
Can it, Freddy, OK?
It's me you're talking to.
Let's go have some lunch,
a few laughs.
Then you gotta hit the road
before Beverly kills you.
-What?
-Walk this way.
Oh, please,
why are we walking like this?
Low profile.
Moving target.
[Alan] Freddy.
Freddy.
No, no, I refuse
to walk like this anymore.
Suit yourself.
So, what do you really think
of this Fallon guy?
-I like him.
-Really?
Really.
He's a little nutso,
he walks funny.
-Stop!
-Why?
A bullet just whizzed
past my ear.
I figure it's
a 30-millimeter shell
fired from a silent sniper rifle
in your building.
[Alan] I don't see anything!
You're not trained the way I am.
Come on.
Freddy, don't be paranoid.
[pigeon squawks]
Aaaaah!
[gunshot]
Good. I got her panicked.
She's resorted to a rifle.
You can go home, Alan.
-I'm not gonna go out there.
-You'll be completely safe.
-It's me she's after.
-How can I be sure?
Stand up, you'll know
in five seconds.
-Or less.
I'm gonna stay right here.
-Gimme your coat and hat.
-You go out with my coat on?
-Only if you don't want to.
-I don't want to.
-Gimme!
OK.
Oh, you were right.
Come back
and let's change again.
Sorry, buddy, I got places
to go, things to do.
But what about me?
-If I were you, I'd stay put.
-Till when?
Nightfall!
Yeah, yeah, right.
You call it caviar,
I call it unborn fish.
You ought to be giving
this stuff away.
I tell you what, put some
Sevruga in a Beluga tin,
charge me for Sevruga,
then everybody will be happy,
except the fish.
-Alan?
-In here, Bevvy.
Now, as far as the champagne
goes, we're gonna need
two cases at least.
What do you mean
who's gonna pay ya?
You got paid for last night,
didn't ya?
-Where is Alan?
-He's hiding behind a statue
somewhere for all I know.
You I'll see in 20 minutes.
Why is he hiding
behind a statue?
Who are you expecting
in 20 minutes?
And what are you doing
with my crystal glasses?
That's a fair question.
Alan's trying to keep
himself from getting
shot between the eyes,
caterers for our party
are wheeling towards us
even as we speak,
and these glasses are gonna
help me capture
the most dangerous woman
in the world.
I see.
For your purposes,
you may consider me the most
dangerous woman in the world.
I want you out, Freddy!
All right. I didn't want to
do this but you're forcing me.
That's the president's
private phone number.
-I want you to call him.
-800 number.
Well, it's toll free.
Quite a guy, huh?
There you go, dial.
[dialing]
[ringing]
[Reagan]
You have reached
1-800-555-6666.
Nancy and I aren't in
right now,
but if you leave your name
and number, we'll get back
to you as soon as possible.
Talk for as long as you like.
I do.
Uh, oh, excuse me,
Mr. President.
This is Beverly Rossmore calling
and if you wouldn't mind
calling me--
-He's already got your number.
-Oh, Freddy!
-What is going on?
-Are you impressed?
-Confused.
-I'll explain.
That's how I got confused.
Nine months ago,
a top Italian official
was killed by the assassin.
It was a particularly
ugly murder at a winery.
The crime went undetected
for several months
until, at a private
dinner party,
when the wine wouldn't
come out of the bottles.
-Eww.
-Our investigation,
such as it was, revealed that
the victim had in his possession
a book of matches
from this building
at the time he was vinted.
Oh, Freddy,
you're making this up.
Just like I made up
the murder yesterday?
According to our computers,
three women from this building
were out of the U.S. at the time
of the Italian assassination.
One of them was that Brazilian
librarian, Sonja Vargas,
which reminds me...
Oh, yeah, gang busters.
Freddy, who are
the other two women?
Hilda Manx, the East German
leather merchant
who lives on the first floor,
and Evelyn Fallon,
Freddy's ex-wife.
Freddy, you know Evelyn wouldn't
harm any living creature.
That's what Freddy told me,
but I can leave no stone
unturned.
Believe me, you've turned
Evelyn over for the last time.
She's not a crime suspect,
but you can't be too careful
in things like this.
Here, get ready for the party.
You've always looked great
in blue.
Or so I've been told.
-What party?
-The party that we're throwing
for the entire building.
That way the suspects won't know
that I'm focusing on them.
I can get their fingerprints
on these three glasses
and then compare those prints
with the partial prints I got
from the scene
of yesterday's murder.
Honey.
I'm home.
And alive.
Great. Just in time
for the party.
What party?
-[laughter]
-[cork pops]
[jazz band plays]
You should have seen her, Alan.
She was unbelievable.
Ah, caviar, my favorite.
This is not Beluga caviar.
I don't care
what the label says.
Can you really tell
the difference between caviars?
Can Americans
tell the difference
between smooth
and chunky peanut butter?
Freddy, there seems to be some
confusion about the caviar.
Well, then somebody oughta
contact the "sturgeon" general.
To your happiness.
Oh, Freddy.
To
your
happiness.
[slurps] Gotta run.
-Bye.
-What about my champagne?
Don't mind if I do.
One down, two to go.
That stew
was absolutely delicious.
What exactly goes into it?
Old family recipe.
If I tell you, I get in trouble.
Fair enough, but please,
let me know when you're
having it again.
My pleasure. That's what
neighbors are for, huh?
Hey, when you get a new dog?
Oh, I haven't given up
on finding Chadwick.
Oh, I would.
I think I'm falling in love.
Is this your telescope?
Why, yes. I've been
studying the moons of Jupiter.
It looks to me like you've been
studying my apartment.
No. Would you hold onto this
for a second?
By golly, you're right,
it does seem to be pointed
at your window.
That was probably Alan.
Maybe he was watching me
undress, do you think?
[Freddy] I'd hate to think
he could stoop so low.
I wish he would.
Alan is the sexiest man I know.
I take it you come
from a very small village.
I like his weakness,
his vulnerability.
I want to crush him in my limbs.
Do you think
his wife would mind?
What about me?
I'm weak, just ask my ex-wife.
No, you're not my type.
In fact, I find you repulsive.
That could be fun, too.
-No way.
-OK, if that's the way you feel,
-give me back my champagne.
-I would expect that from you.
[gulps]
I never disappoint.
Two down, one to go.
Omar, Abdul, looking sharp.
So, had any good dates lately?
Of course. Luckily I come from
a country where they
do
grow on trees!
-[laughing]
-That's a good one!
I can't understand why other
people don't get Arab humor.
Same reason why they
don't live in the desert:
they're backwards.
Yes, and stupid!
If they rode camels
instead of cars,
our oil would be worthless.
[chuckles]
How is your camel, by the way?
What do you mean by that?
Nothing. It's just that
most guys don't bring them
to New York with them.
-My camel is my business.
-So, you're mixing
business with pleasure.
-Let's step outside.
-I would be delighted.
Excuse me.
We're going to fight.
Would you like to referee?
-Come then.
-[ref] OK! I get the winner!
Would you like a crab pouf
or rumaki?
[Swiss accent] Yes, they both
look equally so good.
Um... eh...
Are you Swiss by any chance?
Yes, and how did you know?
I notice your neutral approach
to the canapes.
I think it's going very well,
don't you?
Why don't you start up
a conga line?
-I will.
-Conga?
I don't think we've met.
They call me Freddy.
Hilda Manx.
Boy, I bet you look stunning
without those gloves on.
I look even more stunning
without anything on.
Wow! How about
a glass of champagne
before we consummate
our relationship?
[Hilda] I do not need
artificial stimulants.
In East Germany, we learn
to make do without luxuries.
Even my lipstick is made
from recycled diesel fuel.
How wonderful.
Would you like to kiss me?
Actually, I'd rather
hold your hand.
I'm an old-fashioned
kind of guy.
I'll take off my gloves
if you take off yours.
It's your gloves
that excite me.
I see. But... naked hands...
Not here!
-Your place.
-Not now.
My decadent West German brother
is watching
Wheel of Fortune,
hoping Vanna White's
spaghetti straps will fail her
while she's reaching for the E.
A fellow optimist.
You must be very close
to your brother to share
an apartment.
It is merely a pragmatic thing.
It is cheaper, therefore better.
This champagne is cheap.
-How cheap?
-It's made from raisins.
Perhaps a sip.
Ohh! Mmm!
Ohhh!
[Freddy snarling]
This is going too far.
Evelyn, close your eyes.
No, it's OK, he's just...
flirting.
Grrr!
He must be something in bed.
[gasps]
But what?
Gee, I guess I'm not really
in a party mood after all.
I think I'll just go home.
-Bye.
-Bye.
Oh!
That was very romantic.
You certainly know how
to charm a girl.
Do you always undress women
like that?
I used to,
till I chipped a tooth.
Let us drink.
Let's lock arms.
Prost!
Go for it!
[Freddy gulping]
You drink with great enthusiasm.
That's why I wear rubber gloves.
Let me try the champagne.
Tastes like diesel fuel.
I'll get some more.
I must be going,
but I would like to see you
alone again sometime.
-I'll look you up.
-I'm counting on it.
Three down,
mission accomplished.
The real Freddy couldn't
have done any better.
High praise indeed.
And then there's your schnauzer.
I've never thought of them as
a particularly lovable animal.
Oh, I love them.
Well, there's no
accounting for taste.
Yes, there is.
I'm telling you the schnauzer--
If you feel so strongly
about it, why don't you
have one?
Perhaps I will.
Excuse me.
-Whoa!
-Sorry.
I got it, I got it.
Look out! I...
[woman]
Quel dommage!
I am going to kill you,
Freddy Fallon.
It's my fault. I'll clean them
up and pay for them.
No! I'll clean them up.
And pay for them.
Hey, everybody,
we're out of champagne,
but you're welcome
to stick around and enjoy
each other's company.
[man]
Arrivederla.
[man 2] Who's going uptown?
[man 3] Good night.
[door closes]
[Alan] I don't believe it.
Look at this bill.
We're gonna have
to take out a loan.
You'll be reimbursed
for the party
as soon as the agency
has finished auditing
my expense account.
-How reassuring.
-Come on, lighten up.
Sonja Vargas is now
our prime suspect.
Having broken these glasses,
all we need now is for Alan
to go down to her apartment
and look
for some conclusive evidence.
-Who, me?
-No,
you
go down and look
for conclusive evidence, Freddy!
I'm afraid my charms
are wasted on Sonja.
Alan, on the other hand,
you should have heard the things
she was saying about him.
Really? Like what?
You say one more word
and you're a dead man, Freddy.
Beverly, please, the man
has a right to speak under
the constitution. Do go on.
That doesn't matter.
What does matter is that you
get down to her apartment
as soon as you possibly can
and do whatever is necessary
to uncover her.
-What?
-To uncover her guilt.
Alan is staying here
where he belongs.
Beverly, this is
a question of world peace.
You heard the president.
No, I heard a recording,
and I don't care.
I don't care if you are Freddy
or you're not Freddy.
You can't manipulate us
like this anymore.
You can go save the world
some other way.
We are going to bed!
[groans]
I mean it, Alan.
I know, honey,
I'll be right there.
Well... so long.
So long.
I like your wife.
She, uh...
she cares for you a lot.
I know.
And I care about Freddy.
Tell him I still remember
the good times.
Whenever you see him.
That will mean more to him
than you can know.
-Alan, one more thing?
-Sure.
Can I borrow a quarter?
-[elevator bell dings]
-Freddy...
take it all.
Oh.
I got my pride.
Well... back to normal.
Yep. Back to normal.
[telephone rings]
Hello?
[Reagan]
May I speak
to Beverly Rossmore, please?
This is she.
This is your president.
I hope I'm not
calling too late,
but we just got back
from a boring political speech.
I couldn't leave early
'cause I was the speaker.
[Reagan titters]
Oh... Oh, no, that's OK...
Mr. President.
-The
President?
-[Reagan]
Yes.
Hello? Hello?
I'm returning your call.
Oh, yes, well, uh...
Oh, dear, it's sort of
embarrassing, but, well...
Sir, does the name Freddy Fallon
mean anything to you?
The man we're counting on
to preserve world peace.
You must do whatever he
tells you, no questions asked.
Well...
Now, I don't mean
to sound pompous,
but I am the president;
now, do I have your word?
Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.
But, well, uh, actually,
we just threw Freddy out.
I know, he told me,
but he'll be back.
Excuse me,
but the red phone is ringing.
[dial tone]
What do we do now?
We have no choice,
he's the president.
[knock on door]
[Freddy] Bevvy? Alan?
It's me, Freddy.
[knock on door]
Destiny calls.
-[Alan giggles]
-[Freddy] Come on, hold still!
[Alan] I'm ticklish, cut it out.
I still don't see why he has to
go down there in his pajamas.
Because it's 3 a.m. and we don't
want to arouse suspicion.
Don't worry, dear,
I won't go too far.
That's what you told me
on our first date.
Beverly, will you forget
your petty jealousies?
We're talking
international crisis here.
You do what you gotta do.
Uncle Sam is behind you 100%.
And I'm right behind Uncle Sam
listening to everything
that happens.
What if I fail?
Well, as a backup,
Max is downstairs right now
preparing to send those broken
pieces of champagne glass
to Washington
for fingerprint analysis.
[Max groaning]
[Alan]
Sonja,
what are you doing?
[Alan sighing]
That's good, Alan.
You're coming through
loud and clear.
All too clear.
[Alan chuckles]
I was just kidding around.
Believe me,
it will never get that far.
Hey, Alan, this is nothing
to clown around about.
I know, it's just
pregame nerves.
-OK, you got your instructions?
-Right, look for evidence.
A white sari, a sniper rifle,
a bloodstained cookie cutter.
That's it, and if you don't see
anything in the living room or
kitchen, you've gotta lure her.
You've gotta come right home
and have a glass of warm milk.
Gotta find some way to lure her
into her bedroom.
Check, but how can I be
sure she's gonna let me
into her apartment?
The U.S. government
has spent $18 million
researching opening lines,
and believe me,
this one is guaranteed,
-Can I borrow a cup of sugar?
-I don't use sugar.
Oh, damn! 18 million bucks
down the drain.
Oh, well.
But please come in, Alan.
I'm sure I've got
something you can use.
Kid's got magic, huh?
Hope I didn't wake you.
Actually, I've just come back
from a little errand.
-[exotic animals calling]
-[Alan chuckles]
Well, that's quite
a recording you've got.
-What recording?
-Those sounds.
-[animal screeches]
-Hmm? Was that a mouse?
Probably, but don't worry,
the snake will get it.
Now, sit, please.
[animal calls continue]
There.
Lie down if you prefer.
You must be very tired.
Do you mind if
I have a look around?
This place is so... unusual.
Be my guest, but I would stay
away from that corner over there
with the Pampas grass.
[lion snarls, elephant trumpets]
Come with me.
I am flattered that you've
come to see me.
I hope the sugar
was just a silly excuse.
Perhaps your wife,
she doesn't understand you.
Perhaps.
-Wrong!
-Shh!
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
Would you look!
Now this, this is a realistic
shrunken head.
Thank you,
I made it myself.
Damn!
[Alan]
Why did you do that?
The moons of Jupiter,
they were shining in my eyes.
You must have very
sensitive eyes.
-You find them attractive?
-Well...
Look closer.
[Alan chuckles nervously]
Ahh!
[chuckles]
Hmm.
[sighs over radio]
Why aren't they talking?
I wanna hear voices,
preferably loud voices.
-I am an upfront kind of girl.
-I can see that.
[lion roars]
[chuckles] OK.
You can do anything with me
you like.
Could you show me your kitchen?
Forget the kitchen!
Tonight you own me.
Forget the kitchen?
Think this thing shorted out.
-No, I can hear breathing.
-[heavy breathing]
Lots of it.
-Oh!
-[Alan chuckles]
[whistles]
I want to crush you
in my limbs.
Nothing's happening, darling.
Don't worry, it will.
Whoa! Whoa!
Well, that tears it.
Microphone went dead.
Well, what are we
gonna do?
Got a deck of cards?
Freddy, I'm not gonna
sit here when my husband's
alone with a woman
who keeps shrunken heads
and wild animals
in her living room.
Bevvy, be reasonable.
We don't know that Alan's
in any kind--
[banging on door]
Stay back.
Poor Max.
[gasps] Eww.
He died a hero.
Were you close?
We went through
training together.
I suppose his wife's
gonna want this.
But then so will his girlfriend.
Got two envelopes?
Wait a minute,
if the assassin left this,
then Sonja Vargas
isn't the assassin.
That's right, so we don't have
to worry about Alan.
The heck we don't!
He's down there
with an oversexed Amazon.
[Freddy] Beverly! Wait a sec.
Come on!
-I'll kill her!
-Bev.
-I'll kill
him!
-[Freddy] Hold on, Bev!
-I'll kill them both!
-Bev!
Hold on, Bev! Bev.
Am I overreacting?
-[Alan] Sonja,
what are you doing?
-[Bev gasps]
Open up!
We are busy.
Come back later.
-[knocking]
-[Bev] Open the door!
[lion snarls]
-Alan, come here!
-[monkey chattering]
-I am on fire!
-Excuse me.
[exotic animals calling]
[lion roars, monkey screeches]
Such a waste!
OK, one down, two to go.
Freddy, Evelyn is not
a suspect.
Well, our computers
and circumstantial evidence
says that she is,
so I'm gonna have
to interrogate her.
[Alan] I'll bet that
interrogation will be grueling.
These are for you.
Oh, Freddy, how sweet!
You never used
to bring me flowers.
I've mellowed.
You know, I really think
you have.
What was that for?
Oh, Freddy, I'm sorry.
I guess I'm just
a little bitter, I guess.
Because I've mellowed?
No. Freddy, you're
the only man I ever loved,
but you were a jerk
and you left me.
Now, that's something, really,
that I have learned
to live with,
but please don't confuse me
by being nice,
because I just don't think
it's very fair.
I don't mean to be nice, honest.
Oh, Freddy, I wish
you'd never come back.
Even if I'm a new man?
Oh, Freddy,
I could never be sure.
You were ready to hop into bed
with me the other night.
Oh, I know, and that's what
makes me so mad.
I got some good news for you.
What?
I'm not Freddy.
I'm a lookalike.
So, what's wrong now?
Well, I am in love
with Freddy!
Where is he?
You better not have hurt him.
No, no, no, no, Freddy's fine.
Really.
Well, do you mind my asking
who you are?
I'm a government agent
sent to stop an assassination
that could alter the course
of our history.
Oh, that's nice.
I just wish you were Freddy.
Right now, so do I.
We could pretend if it would
make you feel better.
Well, that's very kind of you,
mister, but I don't fool around.
Boy, you sure look like Freddy.
-Is this plastic surgery?
-Yes, it is.
Wow!
You know, when this is all over,
maybe Freddy will come back.
That would be cruel.
So he probably will.
I'm having trouble
understanding
just how you really feel
about Freddy.
Why? It's perfectly clear.
I never wanna see him again!
Well, actually that's...
you know, it's not like,
like never again, you know,
'cause I would probably see him
for drinks or something;
you know, we could get--
Unless he thought that this
was gonna lead into...
because...
there's just not a chance
that I wanna, you know...
Unless he, you know,
felt that...
But on the other hand,
I don't know.
I'll give him the message.
[watch beeps]
Hilda?
My petroleum-lipped
little Valkyrie.
It's your Freddykins.
May I be of help?
Oh, you must be Hilda's brother.
She said I could drop by
any time.
She tells everybody that,
but unfortunately,
she is not at home.
You seem like a nice enough guy.
Maybe I could come in
and we could surprise her.
I am sorry, but we do respect
each other's privacy.
Sure, I understand that.
Could I borrow a cup of sugar?
Please, there is no point
in continuing the conversation.
I do not mean to be rude,
but I am going
to close the door.
[Freddy] But I...
[lock slides shut]
[watch beeps]
[Bev, leading children]
♪ If no one loves you now
-[children singing off-key]
-Stop that, sweetie.
OK, hold hands.
Hold hands with Jimmy.
There you go. OK.
[children, off-key]
♪ Love sings a silver song
♪ Making the Earth
whirl softly ♪
♪ Love makes the world
go round ♪
Oh, that was great. OK.
Go ahead and sit down.
That was great. Now.
We're gonna try
something new today.
If you've seen or heard anything
on the streets of New York
that you didn't understand,
ask me and I will
give you the answer. OK?
Good. All right? Hong?
Am I a little Commie?
Well, you're from
a communist country,
and I'm sure you're
going to grow some more.
Then I
am
a little Commie.
Well, I wouldn't
put it that way.
-Why not?
-Let me answer that.
Don't you dare,
and what are you doing here?
Whoever called you that
never took the time
to get to know you.
He was just slapping
a label on you.
Without looking
inside of the box?
That's right. You always got
to look inside the box.
Thank you, Freddy.
Uh, yes.
[trio] We have a question,
Miss Rossmore.
Go ahead and ask.
Is our country overpopulated?
Well... looking at the world
population averages,
your country is overpopulated.
That's something that you're
gonna have to decide
when you're old enough
to have kids.
It's all part
of being a grownup.
So it will be
our responsibility?
Bingo.
Now, if you'll excuse us,
I gotta borrow your teacher
for the rest of the afternoon.
Oh, OK.
Um...
Well, let's, uh, sing some more,
and if I can't come right back,
I'll send in a substitute,
all right?
What about the rest
of our questions?
Well, we don't wanna
overdo it the first time.
OK, now, let's all sing.
♪ Love makes the world
go round ♪
♪ Love makes
the world go round... ♪
Well, you never cease
to amaze me, whoever you are.
The way you handled my kids
back there...
-Freddy wouldn't have done that?
-Well, I didn't think so.
Ah.
[watch beeping]
What are you looking at?
You tell
me
what I'm
looking at.
Maybe later.
Right now, I want you
to charm Gunther
into letting you into
the Manx apartment so you
can snoop around a little.
-Oh, no, I don't like
taking chances.
-Come on, Bevvy.
It's important, and besides,
you're gonna be wearing
a microphone like Alan did.
I see.
Will Alan be able to listen in
just like I did?
If you wish.
I wish.
Oh...
Uh, only one thing.
Um... Who's gonna help me
put on my microphone?
-I saw how you did it with Alan.
-And I would do no less for you.
-No, thank you.
-You've got me all wrong,
Beverly.
-Beverly?
-Slip of the tongue.
If it made you more comfortable,
Evelyn could help you
with your microphone.
-Yeah, that would help.
-I wouldn't mind seeing her
again myself.
You will wait in the other room.
The U.S. government tends
to take a hands-on approach.
So?
So I'll wait in the other room.
Right.
There. Let's see.
-Turn, turn.
-Oh, I don't know, Evelyn.
[wolf whistle]
I just don't think
this dress is me.
Beverly, you have a job to do
and this dress will do the job.
OK. Think the mic's
gonna show?
Not a chance.
Bev, Beverly, listen.
You know that guy
in the other room
-that looks exactly like Freddy?
-Yeah.
Beverly, I have to tell you...
I am so attracted to him.
Too!
Evelyn, we've been friends
a long time, right?
-Right.
-Then listen to me.
I always listen to you.
It's just, I don't know,
sometimes I hear another voice
and it says...
[singsong] "Evelyn..."
Oh, I get the idea.
Well... so what do you think?
You know?
Me and...
you-know-who.
Well, I, uh...
I think you don't really know
who you-know-who is.
And... if he's Freddy,
you know he's a yo-yo.
And if he isn't, he still has
most of Freddy's bad traits.
Yeah. Yes, but...
on the other hand...
he is so cute!
Plus, he really loves
his country.
Well, loving your country
is one thing,
changing your entire appearance
just because somebody
asked you to
is even dumber than something
Freddy would do... I think.
But, you know, I have never gone
for that 9-to-5 type.
But what if somebody asked him
to become somebody else?
Like who?
Howdy Doody, for all I know.
Beverly, life's a gamble.
Uh... Evelyn...
OK.
Assuming he isn't Freddy,
what would you do
if the real Freddy
returned one day?
I'd run to his arms.
[Bev] Right, with that guy
strapped to your back?
Yes, I see what you mean.
It's just I hate to think
of myself
spending the rest of my life
waiting around for this...
guy who dumped me.
Oh, I know.
Oh, Evelyn, I guess all
I'm saying is take your time.
Think it through,
proceed with caution.
In other words, don't be me.
Oh, Evelyn, I just don't want
to see you get hurt again.
-You're absolutely right.
-Yeah.
So...
I think the best thing right now
is not to let him know
how I feel.
-Now you're thinking!
-Yeah.
Actually, I heard it all
over the microphone.
Works great.
-Oh, God.
-Oh, no, you don't
have to worry.
I'm gonna treat it all
as privileged information.
So, Beverly, you ready?
Oh, yeah, I guess so.
OK. Gimme 10 minutes to get
the receiver set up
in Alan's booth.
You sure you want him
to hear all this?
Positive.
Okey-doke.
Stay in touch.
[Alan] As one of our great poets
expressed so beautifully,
a sand dune is a sand dune
is a sand dune.
[speaking
Middle Eastern language]
And while we have made
considerable progress
toward reconciliation
these last two days,
I still consider
my distinguished fellow
delegate to be...
[speaking
Middle Eastern language]
...a pioneer in the field
of animal husbandry.
-[Freddy] Alan. Hey, doc.
-What are you doing here?
Listen to this.
Put a microphone
on Beverly and sent her
to the Manx apartment
to look for evidence.
How could you?
She's so ill-equipped.
[speaking
Middle Eastern language]
It is unfortunate that
my colleague cannot distinguish
fact from fiction.
-I give you some facts.
-[knocking on wiretap audio]
[Gunther]
May I be of help?
-May I borrow a cup of sugar?
-Oh, but of course, please.
-Come in!
-Thank you.
Sounds to me like her
equipment's working just fine.
She got lucky.
Not yet, but that's always
a possibility.
[Bev]
My!
What an unusual apartment.
[Gunther] I hope you do not
think this room is strange.
[Bev] No! Not at all.
You see, when you come
from a country that is
tragically divided,
sometimes families become
tragically divided also.
That must be
very painful for you.
You are a profound woman,
I can see that.
Please, come and sit down,
Mrs. Rossmore.
Oh, you know my name!
Mm, I have long admired you
from afar.
Please, come and sit with me
for a few moments.
I insist.
He insists. To my wife!
[chuckles angrily]
[speaking Middle Eastern
language]
As the world can see,
there is no way for
reconciliation at this time.
Although, how can I put this?
I find you very attractive.
I find you
very attractive?!
-[delegates shouting]
-[gavel rapping]
[moderator] Oh, no, delegates,
please, return to your seats!
[gavel rapping]
[Bev]
Oh, you flatter me.
I'm just a housewife
and a school teacher.
[Gunther]
And also
the most interesting woman
in the building.
Do you mind saying that
again, please? Speak clearly.
[Gunther]
You are
the most desirable woman
in the building.
-[Bev]
You said
"interesting" before.
-[Gunther]
You are both.
[gasps]
Believe me,
that didn't fall on deaf ears.
-[delegates shouting]
-[gavel rapping]
-[moderator] Gentlemen, please.
-[gavel rapping]
[Bev sighing]
Do not fly from me yet.
Oh...
Your skin is so soft.
-You skin is so soft?!
-[shouting continues]
[moderator] Will you please
help the delegates
back to their seats?
Alan, your mic is on.
Correction. That last statement
should read:
"May your burnoose catch
in an airplane propeller."
[shrieking]
[Gunther]
Here. I would like
to show you my pride and joy.
[Bev]
My, that is impressive!
[gasps]
Oh, I can't even
get my hands around it.
[Gunther]
Oh, hold it like this.
Steady, boy, steady.
[Gunther]
As you know,
we Germans pride
ourselves on this.
And I know why.
It is gorgeous!
And so are you.
[shouting continues]
Oh, Gunther!
[sighs]
Oh, you know, I have never
seen an autographed picture
of Stalin up close.
Let me just take a quick peek.
I'll be right back.
I cannot let you enter
Hilda's side of the apartment.
[clears throat]
She would kill me.
Well, isn't there some way
I can change your mind?
[gasps] Did you hear that?!
She's quite
a little trouper, huh?
Perhaps.
Yes?
Perhaps I would risk her wrath
for one stolen hour with you.
Your husband would never know.
That's irrelevant.
So what is stopping you?
I love my husband.
I love you too, sweetie!
[silence]
[chuckles]
Oh, thank you, Gunther.
You have done wonders
for my ego.
-I hope I did not offend you.
-[clicks heels together]
No, you didn't offend me, and...
I would appreciate that cup
of sugar, if you can spare it?
Of course!
If you will wait
right here, please.
Mm-hmm.
[dramatic soundtrack plays]
Halt!
You are an interesting
and desirable woman,
Mrs. Rossmore.
But you are also terribly nosy.
[Bev] Oh, I know! [giggles]
It's just my school teacher
curiosity, I guess.
Well... I'll just be going.
You forgot the sugar.
[Bev giggles nervously]
[Gunther] Heh-heh.
Auf Wiedersehen.
A cup of sugar.
Beverly, you did a good job.
In fact, you did a great job.
[giggles] I had
a wonderful time.
You know, I just wish
I could be of help.
Well, maybe you can
when all this is over.
[Alan] What's your next step?
The white dress that Beverly saw
gives me probable cause
to raid Hilda's place.
You know, you sound
so much like Freddy.
I mean, I can't believe it.
Sometimes, though,
when I close my eyes, I swear...
-Yeah, how do you do his voice?
-How do you do Freddy's voice?
Oh, I specialize in impressions.
You should see me at the CIA
Awards Banquet each year.
-It's a small gathering--
-[Alan] Do an impression.
-Really?
-[all] Yeah! Do one.
Oh, OK, um... here's one.
[like Rodney Dangerfield]
Oh, I don't get no respect.
I mean, when you get a death
threat from Mahatma Gandhi,
you know you're in trouble.
-[laughter]
-[Alan] Oh, yeah!
-[Evelyn] That's great.
-You're a beautiful crowd.
-Who else do you do?
-Ah, well...
-Here, give me your glasses.
-Oh, OK.
[Freddy] You'll love this one.
[like George Burns]
The nice thing about
being 92 is...
if a wakeup call is late,
doesn't really matter.
[laughter]
One more, one more.
OK, OK.
This is the show stopper.
[like Ronald Reagan] Well,
to those who say an actor
shouldn't be president,
I just say, look
at my old films and relax.
Oh, that was terrific!
What?
Uh, that was Warren G. Harding.
That was the last straw.
No, come on now,
you got this wrong.
-Get out!
-No, Beverly, I--
-[telephone rings]
-Alan, come...
Get out, Mr. President!
Hello.
[Reagan]
Hello, Beverly.
It's me again.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello, Mr. President.
[Reagan]
Hope I didn't
interrupt anything,
but it's very important that
I speak with Agent Fallon.
Now, is he there?
Oh, yes, sir.
It's for you.
Hey, Ronbo, how's it going?
There's to be a special
secret meeting tomorrow
between me and...
what's-his-name
from the Soviet Union.
Anyway, we thought we'd talk
privately and maybe get
something accomplished.
-That's good thinking, sir.
-Eh, that was his idea.
But we're handling
the arrangements.
Let's see, where are my notes?
I know they're here.
[Nancy]
Give me the phone, Ron.
Freddy? It's Nancy.
Go to plan B.
Yes, Mrs. president, Plan B.
That's all I need to know.
[Reagan]
Now, give me that.
Uh, go to plan B.
Yes, sir, plan B.
You can count on me.
[Reagan]
I know I can.
And before I sign off,
let me hear you do it.
Oh, well, sir, this isn't really
the appropriate time or place.
Ah, don't worry about
things like that.
Now, come on, go ahead.
OK.
[like Reagan] Nancy, I'm tired
of you just saying no.
-[Reagan laughs]
-[Nancy]
What did he say?
[Reagan]
Nothing, dear.
Bye, Freddy.
Ta-ta.
Alan, you and your friend
Uri Blechnov
will be translating tomorrow
in a private meeting
between the two leaders.
-That's plan B?
-That's part of it.
It is also undoubtedly
when Hilda will strike next.
Unless I stop her right now.
Oh, Freddy, she might kill you!
That's true.
So if I don't come back,
just be glad
that I'm not really Freddy.
[door closes]
[Freddy] Open up
in the name of the law!
You again.
My sister is still not home.
This is a raid.
A star? A sheriff's star?
Out of my way, pal.
I love what you've done to it.
You cannot enter my sister's
part of the room.
You're dealing with
the U.S. government, Herr Man.
Gunther. My name is Gunther.
Well, guess what, Gunther,
the time for amenities is over,
so why don't
you
stay
on this side?
Aha!
Let's see.
Whisk, ricer, fish mold.
Grater, juicer... What's this?
Wrong shape.
[cocks gun]
[Gunther] Killing you will be
a pleasure, Mr. Fallon.
You forgot to take off
your mustache, Hilda.
And what about
that great lipstick?
A girl doesn't always have time
to do her face properly.
You're sick!
[Gunther] Of course I am sick.
I kill people for money.
What normal person
would do that?
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to shoot you.
[Alan] Right, right.
But before you do, I'd like you
to tell me something.
In fact, I'd like you
to tell me two things.
I have two identities because
it allows me to disappear
whenever I need to.
Besides, I enjoy being a girl.
Ooooh!
Sorry!
Nice shoulders.
[Gunther muttering in German]
[Alan] Give it up, Hilda!
I have a better idea.
[Alan] I've been
in worse spots than this.
You wouldn't hit a woman?
Uggh!
Uggh!
Hold it, babe, or I'll
turn you into something else.
You wouldn't shoot a woman?
Wait, forget I said that.
You move, you're dead.
I am Gunther now,
you can trust me.
I have a split personality.
Don't we all?
You're just gonna have to take
the fall for your sister.
Fortunately, you'll both fit
in the same electric chair.
Hi. Are you all right?
Hey! Uhh!
I always carry a spare.
Evelyn, what the hell
are you doing here?
Well, I was afraid of you being
alone with a deadly assassin.
And you have proved
to be most helpful.
Shoot me, and it's cookie city.
[Evelyn] Sorry, Freddy.
World peace is at stake.
Go ahead and shoot
right through me if you must.
I can't.
In that case,
I will take my leave.
Auf Wiedersehen!
[Freddy rattling door]
They got away.
Oh, Freddy!
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just...
That was very sweet of you.
I mean...
You know, like,
considering we hardly know
each other and all.
I'll just have
to get him tomorrow.
If he gets you first,
I'd never forgive myself.
Me neither.
[Evelyn] Mm!
[fanfare plays]
Man, you should have
seen Maltby.
Every piece had a beard
and a sack of toys
and everything.
Well, I see they took
Big Bertha out.
Must be something important
going down.
They never tell us anything.
Is that you, Jackson?
Yo, Jackson!
Come on, Jackson!
You sleeping on the job?
Jackson?!
Is he dead?
Wouldn't you be?
Maybe it's a suicide.
That's not how I would do it.
Still no sign of Freddy.
[Evelyn] Don't go
out there again, Hilda's
lurking around somewhere.
[Uri] I'm scared.
[Evelyn] Don't be.
Freddy will be protecting you.
[Bev] That's why he's scared,
Evelyn.
No. I'm nervous because
I'll be translating
for the leader of my country.
Is too much?
-Maybe just a little.
-[horn honks]
Our ride is here.
[Bev and Evelyn]
Be careful, boys!
We'll be picking up
the president first.
In exactly three minutes.
He'll be standing at the corner
of 45th and Park.
That way, he won't attract
any attention.
Back home, a family of six
could live in a car like this.
Solid.
This baby is
a rolling bank vault.
We call her Big Bertha.
You hit that security switch,
no one gets in or out
without an atomic bomb.
She's soundproof, too,
once I put the window up.
If you need me,
just hit the intercom
and talk to me
through the microphone.
Wow. Looks like
you thought of everything.
That's right.
[mouthing] Everything.
You suppose we should
shake hands with them?
Unless you'd like to curtsey.
Ooh, we're almost there.
Maybe we should move
so that they can sit here.
Good thinking.
-Aaah!
-Oh, boy!
-[gun cocks]
-Surprise!
[Alan gasps]
Don't bother with the intercom.
Let's talk this over, Gunther.
Call me Hilda.
There is nothing to talk over.
You'll kill us if we cry
for help, won't you?
Yes.
At least she's honest.
Uri, if we don't do something,
the president
of the United States
is gonna get in this car
and be killed.
Or we can sacrifice our
own lives and warn Freddy.
It's your decision, my friend.
He's your president.
[Alan] I never thought
I'd say this,
but let's do it.
I'm with you, comrade.
Us Russians are as spontaneous
as the next guy.
-Help!
-Help us! Stop the car!
There's a crazy guy...
[inaudible shouting]
[Gunther chuckles, cocks gun]
He doesn't hear us.
Oh, I disconnected
the intercom.
Is cute, huh?
I'm very sorry, Alan.
[agent] Limo should
be here soon, Mr. president.
[Reagan]
Good. Now act natural.
We don't want to attract
any attention.
[agent] The limo
should be here soon, sir.
[Gorbachev]
I feel like an idiot.
[agent] Are you sure you don't
want us to come along, sir?
[Reagan] I've got complete
faith in Agent Fallon.
After all, he's the one
who saved Jimmy Carter
from that giant rabbit.
[agent] This could be
a more serious threat,
Mr. President.
[Reagan] Well, I don't know
about you, but I sure wouldn't
want to be torn to pieces
by an enormous rodent.
[agent] Then I guess
you're relatively safe, sir.
The president will never know
what hit him.
We've still got
on outside chance.
What's that?
Not gonna tell you.
[agent] Here comes the limo.
To the curb.
Step, slide, step, slide,
step, slide, step, slide.
[Reagan] What's happening?
[agent] The limo didn't stop,
sir.
[Gorbachev] What's happening?
[agent] The limo didn't stop,
sir.
[Gorbachev] Something
must have gone wrong.
Let's go back to the hotel.
I want some vodka.
[agent] Hup hup hup hup hup...
[Reagan] Something must
have gone wrong.
Let's head back to the hotel.
I want some jelly beans.
[agent] You heard the man.
Step, slide, step, slide,
step, slide...
[Reagan] Aaah!
Who stepped on my foot?!
[agent] I'll get his name, sir.
OK, who stepped
on the president's foot?
Didn't stop.
-A happy ending!
-[Gunther] Not quite.
I am still going to kill you.
Stop doing that.
It's making me nervous.
[tires screech, horns blare]
[pedestrians shouting]
This guy is some lousy driver.
It's just rush-hour traffic,
I think.
Oh, boy.
What? What now?
-[lock clicks]
-[Gunther chuckles]
-That idiot is going to drown.
-While we suffocate.
Hilda, why don't we lower
the window and swim out
while we still can?
We will outwait him.
Look, he's got some kind
of breathing device.
That's not fair!
[mouthing words]
Alan, your friend
is full of confidence.
His brain cells
are probably dying.
He hasn't got much time left.
Wh-Where is he going?
It is getting close in here.
[Gunther] What is he doing now?
He seems to be checking
under the hood.
Heil!
I do not understand.
He always was quite a kidder.
[nervous chuckle]
I think he is going
to outwait us.
[Gunther] We will see.
I have a little surprise.
[cocks gun]
[screaming]
[bullet ricocheting]
[Gunther coughs]
My plan is not working.
I will outwit him
on the surface.
Away all boats!
Women and children first.
[Gunther] Where are you,
Mr. Fallon?
Fight like a man!
[cocks gun] I am!
Lucky for us you had
that miniature scuba device.
No, it was actually just
a flashlight.
A few more seconds,
I would have drowned.
How did you know to drive
the car into the river?
Alan gave me the old
ear-tug signal
from the college days.
It means "beat it,
there's a girl in the room."
And only the real Freddy
would know that signal.
[Freddy] Ready, set...
Go!
Now, that's how Freddy
would have done it.
You rang?
Oh, I am so glad
it's you again.
I wish that I could
reciprocate the feeling.
Listen, this is a celebration,
so we are gonna splurge.
I don't like buying friendship.
That's because
you've got class, my friend.
President approved my expenses.
This should take care of
the party at the Rossmores'.
You are now officially
our best customer.
That's your problem.
Thank you.
So, is this a pregnant pause?
Go ahead, Freddy.
Go ahead and what?
Maybe we shouldn't ask
in public.
Freddy's got something
to tell you.
We had a little talk
this afternoon.
-I'm scared.
-You can do it, Freddy.
OK.
Uh, contrary to what
you may have heard...
from me...
I'm Freddy.
You're Freddy?
You lied?
-He's Freddy.
-He lied.
Evelyn, when I walked out
on you,
I sat around for six months
just asking myself why,
and I kept coming up empty.
Empty. That's all it added
up to, even on
my
score card.
So I joined the CIA.
Boy, you did hit bottom.
For me, it was like
joining the foreign legion,
without the sand.
Tell them the part
about feeling vulnerable.
You're a hard man, Alan.
I did feel vulnerable.
I felt too vulnerable to ask you
to trust me again.
So when this case came along,
a case that would probably get
whoever handled it killed,
naturally I volunteered.
That doesn't make
any sense at all.
I call it Freddy logic.
Go on, Freddy.
It's simple.
If you thought I wasn't Freddy
and I got killed,
it wouldn't matter.
But if I didn't get killed
and you could see that I wasn't
a... a jerk,
then... then maybe you could
accept me as a...
good guy who just happened to
look exactly like Freddy Fallon.
That's Freddy logic.
At its best.
Evelyn...
Would you accept this?
Oh, Freddy...
That's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.
Oh!
Freddy, that's the ring you
took back when you left her.
Sure, I recognize the zircon.
I've never stopped
wearing it in my heart.
You really are the only man
in the whole world for me.
I just hope
you haven't lost your touch.
Oh, you haven't.
Will you excuse us
for a week or two?
Freddy, I've always excused you.
I'm with him.
What will you have,
my darling wife?
It's not on the menu, Alan.
You called me Alan.
How do you know I'm not a spy
who's undergone extensive
plastic surgery?
-I have ways of finding out.
-Oh, really?
Really.
Come with me.
Yes.
[both chuckle]