Spice World (1997) Movie Script

Well done, girls.

Excellent performance.

You weren't even watching,

Clifford.

- Yes, I was.

- No, you weren't.

- I sensed the vibes.

- Yeah, right.

- He doesn't love us any more.

- I love you like a wildebeeste

loves five lionesses

chewing at his legs.

Hello.

I'm Piers Cuthbertson Smythe.

Today, I'm spending

the first of five days

with the Spice Girls.

- Elton!

- Hey!

- Hello.

- Good to see ya.

- Hi there.

- Great glasses, Elton.

- Thank you.

We've gotta go. Sorry, Elton.

Soon, the Spice Girls

will be stampeding

down this corridor

in a frenzy of chaos and energy

which is their hallmark.

Chickens? How many?

Why are we going round the back?

You said

they were coming this way.

I never said that.

- Want me to cut?

- That would be wise.

There won't be any fans out

here. They're around the front.

- Girls! It's Andy from the Sun!

- Not up the skirts.

What was that, Clifford?

Bye!

Come on. Come on.

Hands off my fluffy toys.

Nobody come in my bit.

Don't touch my wardrobe.

Can you get changed?

We're there in 15 minutes.

Dennis, Albert Hall.

Partner...

we're heavy and rolling.

OK, horoscopes!

I don't believe star signs.

You're Aquarian. Aquarians

don't believe in anything.

I don't believe that, either.

Oh, no! I can't find my boots!

It's always the same.

I never know what to wear.

It must be hard to decide

whether to wear the little Gucci

dress, the little Gucci dress,

or...the little Gucci dress.

Exactly.

I know. Why don't you wear

the little Gucci dress?

Thanks, Em.

- There they are!

- What?

- You're wearing my boots!

- How did that happen?

Typical Leo, borrowing stuff

without asking.

- No, that's Capricorn.

- Don't start on Capricorns.

That's it!

- Have them back!

- I don't want 'em!

- Excuse me!

- What?

- What do you think of this?

- It's great.

A press conference's coming up.

That means smiling

and answering dumb questions.

It really is exciting.

We're breaking the news now.

Next Saturday, the Spice Girls

perform live at the Albert Hall.

- Are you excited?

- Very excited.

It'll be fantastic.

It's gonna be broadcast live

throughout the world.

How many countries?

- Millions.

- Maybe more.

Have you a message

for your fans?

Yes.

To the people in France.

They're huge in Portugal.

And to the people in Leeds:

"Northerners!"

I don't know what that means,

but it's gonna be great.

They are adorable.

- You haven't shaved for us.

- Well, I...

- I've got what you want.

- Watch this!

These are the Spice Girls.

I've seen them.

I like the blonde one.

- No, Sporty.

- Yeah, sporty one's good.

This is what our movie

should be about.

They're cute.

They're hip, they're wacky.

But can they act?

Did anyone care

if Marilyn Monroe could act?

All they cared,

was she in focus?

I've got an idea.

You're gonna love it.

It's the Spice Girls.

There's five of them,

and they're singers...

I love it.

We pitch this afternoon.

Yes, Chief.

Are the girls ready

for Saturday?

They've got fire in their eyes,

hunger in their bellies

and great big shoes

on their feet.

They're raring to go.

Remember that now

is the dangerous time.

They've had success

very quickly,

so get ready for the backlash.

When the speeding melon

hits the wall...

it's Christmas for the crows.

Shall I go after the paparazzi?

'I could start kicking

arses, stir things up.'

There's no need

for any stirring.

Put cats among the pigeons.

Leave the pigeons alone.

Watch the feathers fly,

get some blood on the walls.

- No!

- Sorry, Chief, just an idea.

There'll be time

for that soon enough.

The drummer who is

without sticks has no backbeat.

Absolutely.

Right, Puss?

- What did he say?

- I haven't a clue...

but I know that he's right.

Drummer? Drummer.

Remember, the camera is

the window to the soul.

- Window to the soul.

- That's it.

Through the eyes, obviously.

I wanna take my audience

into their mind's eye,

and focus on their

deepest subconscious.

Deepest subconscious.

That's it, Enzo. Got it? Great.

So track, track, track,

track, and then...

We'll need a longer lens.

What's going on?

Sorry. My fault.

- Sort your fingers out!

- Left your boxing gloves on?

Once again, please.

That was absolutely perfect

without being actually any good.

Once again, then.

- Hiya.

- Hi, Nic!

Let's keep the momentum

going, please.

- Time to quit.

- After a short break then.

Are you all right?

Look at that emotion.

Real, raw emotion.

Come on, boys!

Capture that magic!

Quickly.

How are you feeling?

All right,

except my back's done in

and I haven't seen

my feet for weeks.

- I hear they're really fat.

- They are...not.

How's baby?

How would you feel being

carried around in a waterbed?

Very lucky.

It kicked!

- When's it due?

- Last week.

You ought to charge it storage.

- So...how's Trevor?

- Trevor's left me.

I don't believe it.

Sound running.

Would you mind

not filming, please?

Cut.

I knew Trevor was irresponsible,

but now he's proved it.

What a complete...

I want to show

the real Spice Girls.

I want to crash through

the show-biz facade

and reveal the truth.

So long as you crash through

the show-biz facade on schedule.

And don't get in anybody's way.

Yes, well,

a smile costs nothing.

Nic, it'll be all right.

Oh, no.

- What?

- I think I am getting broody.

- Oh, no!

Wait till you start having kids.

That'd be really weird.

How does my Gloria

gets her clothes so dirty?

Bless her.

My poor back.

How can you have more kids?

You've got six already.

Is it six?

They're cute

when they're little,

then they grow up

to be little bleeders.

Thank God for boarding school.

- Our Terry goes to me...

- Cheers.

He goes,

"Ma, I wanna be a singer."

I said,

"Get yourself a proper job."

Does he listen? No.

They never do. I mean...

Darling, kids today,

they don't know...

how lucky they are!

Brucey! Demi!

Turn that bloody racket down!

There's the small matter

of an extremely live gig

on Saturday.

We're coming.

I don't want you to go.

- Take care.

- See you later.

We're coming.

- I need to wee.

- Yeah, so do I.

Down here. Quick.

Baby Spice! Get her shoes!

- Which one's Baby?

- The blonde one.

- Posh one.

- Which one?

The one that looks posh.

Across to Geri. Hips. Good.

This is a good bit.

"Spice Girls set

to conquer the globe."

Look at that, Brad.

"Spice Girls set

to conquer the globe."

Why can't I pick up a paper

without seeing them

all over the front page?

- You told us to write that.

- I know, I know!

As long as they sell newspapers,

we'll have to write about them.

I'm sick of them!

We need a new angle.

Who cares if the Spice Girls

get to Number One again?

Who cares if they climb

up Mount Everest on an ostrich,

or find a cure for déjà vu?

Not me.

Or if they find a cure

for déjà vu?

Not me.

I've got a better idea.

Try this for size.

"Spice Girls' live show

cancelled."

That's not bad.

"Spice Girls fall out."

"Spice Girls...split up!"

Think how many copies

that headline will sell.

- I like it!

- I can make it happen!

Me, Kevin McMaxford.

I put them there,

I can bring 'em down!

- Yes!

- Who's gonna help me?

Who is gonna help me

take on Girl Power

and bring it crashing

to the ground?

I'll find someone, Kevin.

I just wish

you wouldn't get so upset.

It is dangerous

to store moisurising cream

in the refrigerator.

It can be mistaken

for mayonnaise.

Check.

- What do you mean, "Check"?

- My bishop's got your king.

- Where?

- There.

Move it in front

or out of the way.

I'll move that fairground horse.

- Sort that out.

- You can't do that.

- Says who?

- Says Mr Chess.

- It's in the rules.

- I'm gonna break the rules

and set this fairground

horse free. There.

I'll slap you in a minute.

It's obvious that the

Spice Girls are movie stars.

We've worked

on this idea for months.

Can we turn off

our cellphones?

Respect for the writer.

OK, five girls, five lives.

One story as old as time itself,

but as fresh as newly-cut grass.

- And that's fresh.

- The girls play five sisters

whose parents disappeared

during the Harrod's sale

and were never seen again.

As if ripped

from today's headlines.

Now they live at home,

struggling to support

a grandmother

who suffers from some

mysterious wasting disease.

I've got tears.

Their only hope lies with

the middle sister, Melanie C,

who's convinced she could be

an Olympic ski-jump champion

if only she could overcome

her fear of heights and snow

and find a pair of skis.

That's amazing.

That's fantastic.

- What do you think?

- It stinks.

Of course it stinks,

but it's a start.

We're cooking here.

This is a stew, a gumbo -

a jambalaya, if you will.

We're just jamming.

OK, here's another idea.

Crocodiles...

If you want tickets

to the Spice Girls' live gig,

you're too late.

But they're with me now...

- Oh, turn it off.

- All right.

What's it like to be Baby Spice?

Do you think I'm always

gonna be seen as Baby Spice,

even when I'm...30.

- You play up to it, Emma.

- No, I don't.

- You're doing it now.

- I am not!

Em, you've got this

dead cute little smile,

so you can get away

with anything.

Ladies and gentlemen....

Four horrible murders...

perpetrated by the same...

ruthless psychopath.

Each victim riddled

with 100 machine-gun bullets.

But who is it?

Professor Schutzman?

Father Conan Murphy?

Lady Matilda Davenport?

Or...

Miss Emma...

Bunton?

The murderer is...

Father Conan Murphy!

I am fed up with people

thinking I talk

about clothes all the time.

People only judge you

on what you look like.

Exactly.

It's the same with fish.

You've got the spotty one

that's wacky,

the fluffy one that's cute,

and this ugly loser one

that reminds me

of my ex-boyfriend Steven.

Did you know the largest fish

in the world is the manta ray?

And there's the ginger one

that is full of useless

information about manta rays.

I don't get it.

Why do people

stereotype us all the time?

We're getting predictable.

Maybe I should stop being loud.

Fat chance.

Hold it there.

Now give it to me.

Why don't we give

each other new characters?

- Like what?

- What about Bricklayer Spice?

- Sexy! Come on, energy!

- Or Trainspotting Spice.

Smashing!

How about Sporty-But-Interested-

In-Other-Things Spice?

Go for it, girls!

Cheesed-Off-With-Cheesy-

Photo-Sessions Spice.

- There you are.

- Thank you!

And again.

Let's go do our own thing.

Come on.

Hello, Mr Bond.

Or can I call you James?

Do you want that

shaken or stirred?

That's it. I'm off. I'm going.

Hup, hup, hup, hup!

I'm so sporty!

My mummy's my best friend.

I'm just too posh.

When are Liverpool gonna

win the cup, like, eh?

Are we finished yet?

Girl Power.

Feminism.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, no.

I feel as if

I'm being strangled.

I nearly fell off these shoes

and sprained my ankle.

These are really tight.

They go right up my bum.

- These are really comfy.

- Don't even think about it.

- I'm getting these off.

- I need some platforms.

How can you wear these, Geri?

You look crap

in my clothes anyway.

Yes! I've got

the man for the job.

He did the Fergie

toe-sucking pictures,

he got the Teletubbies

taking a poo,

and he can get Clinton tucking

his T-shirt into his underpants.

Sounds great,

but where the hell is he?

I'm here.

How do we know you're any good?

7.45. You sniffing your socks

before putting them on.

8.55. You in the lift,

picking your nose.

Another bogey breakfast.

He's good.

You again.

Behind the bike sheds

with Eileen when you were 12.

He's very good.

He's gone.

Now hear this.

After using the showers,

could people please pick up

the hair in the plugholes?

It's unhygienic

and can lead to flooding.

Clifford, can't you

just tell us normally?

Next stop - publicity party.

Beautiful people,

reporters, interviews,

lots of finger food. Have fun.

That is all.

- They're here. Don't look.

- I'm not looking.

I hate these parties.

Everyone dresses over the top.

They all ask how you are,

and they don't even care.

I should be at the footie now

and... Do you know him?

Sorry.

- Do you know who I am?

- Who are you?

Piers Cuthbertson Smythe.

I'm with the Spice Girls.

Your name's not down,

you're not coming in.

You said he'd recognise you.

I have to go to all the shows -

Gucci, Pucci, Fendi...

I was very disappointed

with their spring collections.

As for McQueen and Galliano,

I could go either way.

What do you think

about manta rays?

Oh, yes.

Marvellous designer, Manta Ray.

I love Manta Ray.

These are Manta Ray shoes.

These are his glasses.

Bob, we have to sort your hair

out. I'm gonna do your hair.

What's wrong with the hair?

Everybody's going on about it.

We don't want to

threaten a man's masculinity.

- Of course not.

- Or be dominating.

Of course not.

Men sometimes get all nervous

and don't know what to say.

Well, um...things...

I'm gonna go to the toilet.

Hello, Trish!

I've been talking

to a Spice Girl.

I know.

Bob, I think you look great.

What the hell have you done?

- Nicola, Nicola! Remember me?

- Yes. Hi.

We're with her.

We have to get in.

Spare ticket.

We have a ticket.

"And tonight is the night,

"When three become one."

- Thank you.

- He's great, isn't he?

I've got something

important to ask you.

If you don't want

to do it, it's all right.

I was thinking one of you

could be godmother to the baby.

But you're all my best mates.

I want you all to be godmothers.

It's got to be

a Liverpool supporter.

Hang on. Do godmothers

get stretch marks?

Sorry to interrupt,

it's interview and photo time.

- Do we have to?

- Yes, it's your job.

- I'm so sorry.

- See you later.

Girls, it's publicity

for Saturday's show.

Are you part

of the Spice phenomenon?

No, I'm just nobody.

Excuse me a minute.

So we're on a wide-angled lens?

Running.

And now tonight,

I'll be asking

the big questions.

How are relationships moulded

in this kaleidoscopic world

the Spice Girls inhabit?

Let's find out, shall we?

So do you have

any time for boys?

Boys? Doesn't ring a bell.

I think you should just

be able to wheel them in,

then they're there,

and then that's it.

Really?

And order them like a pizza.

I'll have a deep pan, 6-foot,

green eyes, pair of loafers,

and no socks.

Yeah, no cheese.

But you like boys,

don't you, Geri?

Come on.

Is the Pope a Catholic?

Apparently he is, yes.

Church leaders

have reacted with shock

to reports that the Spice Girls

have cast doubt on the religious

conviction of the Pope.

That's more like it!

A Vatican spokesman said

the pontiff was confused

by the suggestion that

he might not be Catholic.

We asked the Bishop

of Candleford what he thought.

It's a terrible suggestion,

almost blasphemous.

Of course

the Pope's a Catholic!

Otherwise he wouldn't

have become Pope, would he?

What evidence do they have

to support these allegations?

Here we go.

The backlash has started.

When the rabbit

of chaos is pursued

by the ferret of disorder

through the fields of anarchy,

it is time to hang your pants

on the hook of darkness.

Yup.

Whether they're clean or not.

London to Milan

Flight SG 1919

6.30am

Why Milan?

London to Milan

Flight SG 1919

6.30am

A TV special.

Screaming kids. The usual.

London to Milan

Flight SG 1919

6.30am

Are we there yet?

What is this?

No way.

Clifford,

what is going on here?

Stop, stop, stop.

Why are you stop-a?

We didn't agree to have

them dancing with us.

You said it was going to be

tacky, but this IS tacky.

Hey, Bobby Charlton.

Why are they stop-a?

They're stopping because

these clowns suddenly appeared.

Molto, molto good dancer.

Sure, but they should be

on another show, or in a zoo.

Look at his muscles. He's got

ferrets burrowing under there.

I know. I'm sorting it out.

Over here.

You think that's real

down there?

Looks like

a pair of rolled-up socks.

You carry on like this,

I take the girls back.

You take the girls back?

What about the contract?

Contract?

In my bed I've got two teddies,

a rabbit and two dollies.

Susan's got a bad eye.

The boys a-stay here.

The girls a-go, I a-sue you.

A.C. Milan? Nah.

You're weak in your midfield.

I've got a green giraffe.

I felt sorry for him.

Then there's Buzz, the alien,

and a fluffy pink water bottle.

So there's not

enough room for you, mate.

- Hey, your mother.

- My mother?

Si. Your mother.

Hey. YOUR mother!

- Mi mama?

- Si, your big fat mother,

and your brother-in-law

and your mad cousin

and your next-door

neighbour's goat!

I kill you.

Go for it!

Boys, boys, boys.

Calm down.

Have you not heard

of "compromisation"?

What?

E pazzo.

Crazy, crazy.

- That looks better.

- We agreed on a compromise.

You'll never believe it

- What on earth's that?

- That's the compromise.

Hey, Bobby Charlton!

Culi bellissimi!

Milan to London

Flight SG 1819

Midnight

Was that really worth it?

Milan to London

Flight SG 1819

Midnight

I'm glad we've got

the morning off.

Milan to London

Flight SG 1819

Midnight

First one in a month.

Milan to London

Flight SG 1819

Midnight

Are we there yet?

- I'm dying for the loo.

- So am I.

Can we stop the bus?

Dennis, pull over.

The girls need to go

to the bathroom...again.

I'm bursting to go wee.

Geri, I borrowed your shoes.

Mind the spiders!

Doesn't matter

how successful you are.

Sometimes you have

to pee in the woods.

How can all the toilets

break down at the same time?

It's not my fault.

It's hard to get a plumber

to your house,

and that stays in one place.

Try calling one

out to a bus. Impossible.

Can't you do

something about them?

- Like what?

- Fix them!

Listen. I love these girls,

and I'll do anything for 'em.

But I won't do that.

Let's not go any further.

I'm scared.

Why is the countryside

so bloody muddy?

Something just brushed past me.

It's only a beast

that wants to eat you.

- Oh, pack it in, Mel.

- It wasn't me.

I think we're lost.

What's that?

Oh, my God, run for it!

I can't move!

It's them! It's them! Look!

Are you sure?

Yes! There's

the little blonde one.

That's what you said before...

..and it was a sheep!

Get off!

I told you - shake hands!

Geri, say something to them.

Say something.

What do you want with us?

Are you the Spice Girls?

Yes.

Can we have tickets

for your Albert Hall gig?

I'm sorry,

but they've all sold out.

I told you

we should've booked early!

What's that?

Can I have your autograph?

It's for my brother.

What's his name?

- Is that 3 or 4 Ks?

- I think that's 4.

Could you sign this,

please, Posh?

Oh, gosh, you're fat.

Give us a kiss, Ginger one!

He wants you to snog him.

Say "khttttyakkk"!

Smile.

What do you mean, aliens?

Aliens from outer space.

They had little squidgy faces.

And cheap green coats.

You're obviously under stress.

You need some time off.

I'm going to stand up

to the chief. Be assertive.

I'll ask him...no, tell him...

the girls'll have

the morning off.

The answer is no, Clifford.

Chief?

The girls cannot have

the morning off.

Of course not, Chief.

The fact that they've

been working hard

and they're exhausted is...

- Irrelevant.

Without sacrifice,

there is no success.

Without pain,

there is no pleasure.

And without something,

there is no nothing.

Very assertive, Clifford.

You'd better go and tell them.

- I know.

- Go on, then.

I'm going on, then.

- Good-bye.

Hold on, hold on.

Where are you going?

We're going home to sleep.

I'm sorry.

There's been a change of plan.

The schedule's too tight.

No morning off.

- Oh, nice one, Clifford.

- You nearly had us there.

You're not good at telling fibs.

I'm sorry.

There's too much to get through.

- You're not joking, are you?

- Oh, no.

We've got to see

Nicola in the morning

'cause the baby's overdue.

Babies are allowed

to be overdue. You're not.

Please.

I'll buy you a milk

chocolate Magnum each.

- OK.

- No.

- You can only push us so far.

- Yeah, right.

You just better watch it, mate.

From now on, there's

no more Mr Nice Spice.

My God.

- What do you think?

- I don't know, mate.

Fooled you!

- Gotcha.

- See you in the morning!

Don't forget my Magnum.

Now hear this.

You are about

to enter dance camp.

You will be

under the instruction

of the toughest

dance teacher ever, Mr Step.

Right, you horrible lot!

Left, right, left.

Whoo. Yaah.

Don't give me

any of that Julie Andrews

high-on-a-hill type claptrap.

I'm your mother now,

and I don't mean superior.

Take that sweet

out of your mouth!

Right, now, shooo-tanoo.

Shimmy, shimmy.

Are you the dance teacher?

That is correct.

I'll show you my pas de bra,

though that won't apply to you.

Pay attention.

One...

Two, one...

- This is ridiculous.

- We can't dance like that.

Yes, I know.

I've seen your videos.

That's enough.

Shall we do our own thing?

Can't even understand them.

They talk so strange.

That's it. We're gonna

get fit, fit, fit.

1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

Attention! Turn right!

3, 4, love it.

Make your mothers proud of you.

What sort of men

are you, anyway?

Left, right, left, right,

left, right, left, right.

Left, right, left, right.

Right, then. Spice Girls,

regimental chant!

Get in there!

Where are you going?

Get out of those tubes!

Up that ramp!

Hold that rope!

That is not correct!

I'll give you not correct.

- No, I...

- Get him!

- Shoo-tanoo...

- I'll give you shoo-tanoo!

Lights out!

It's not even dark yet.

And you, Melanie.

It's pathetic that we can't

even sleep in our own rooms.

What are we making such a fuss?

It's only an old house.

A big old house.

A big, very old,

haunted, big, old house.

I had this horrible

dream last night.

We were doing the live show,

and I went on stage.

I was just about to open my gob,

and nowt came out.

But something

even more weird happened.

- You didn't have a head?

- Yeah. How did you know?

- I had exactly the same dream.

- No way. No.

I had exactly the same dream,

but much worse.

You see, I had a head,

but with no make-up.

Oh, no.

I don't understand.

What does it mean?

Probably our subconscious minds,

so we don't have to deal with

our anxieties when we're awake.

Like we'll be scared

of this live show.

And that we won't

be able to sing.

And it's gonna be

a complete disaster.

Oh, no.

Let's just stay here together.

Squash up.

I'm going to sleep now.

I really hate you, McMaxford!

I hate you!

Look at that!

Look at that! More stories!

More evil harpoons

from the press!

I wouldn't let it bother you.

Chill out.

What's wrong with you?

The press can just flick off.

Makes me want to

strangle something.

If we took any notice of that

press, we'd go mad like you.

"I just can't take any more."

"It's all lies!

I'm not like that!"

"Bring me a straitjacket!"

Yes, you can laugh!

He's so uptight.

He's gonna have a heart attack.

Maybe he's not getting

enough nookie.

Could be.

It would be perfect

if he fancied Deborah.

- Yeah.

I reckon he's got

a chance with her.

She hasn't had

a boyfriend in six months.

No. He doesn't fancy her.

He doesn't look at her

when he's talking to her.

That doesn't matter.

You know what men are like.

They don't like showing

their emotions.

There's these animals

in the jungle or rainforest.

When the male is courting

the female, he pees on her.

Geri, do you have to?

It's his way of showing

that he fancies her.

And afterwards they mate.

Call me old-fashioned,

but I prefer flowers.

OK, baby, here's where

we get high-concept.

Eight miles high.

An Air Force

Stealth bomber is hijacked

by extraterrestrial terrorists.

Inside the pilot's pocket

is a computer disk

with a virus encoded on it

that is so deadly,

it could destroy the world.

The prime minister

has no choice.

He has to call in

the Spice Force Five.

Can you see the merchandising?

Action figures?

Crack operatives in their own

field, a martial arts expert...

Counter-espionage agent...

explosives expert...

The master of disguise...

Girl Power.

Equalisation between the sexes.

And...ohh...Victoria.

- Then what? Back to reality?

- Absolutely.

Hey, yeah. Yeah. Why not?

What...kind of reality

are you interested in? I'm open.

Competition winners.

The chance to make those fantasy

figures become a reality.

Dreams come true.

The stuff of fairy tales.

How's it feel to have won

the trip with the Spice Girls?

It's great.

I expect your friends

are really jealous.

- Yes.

- I'm sure they are.

I love you, Victoria!

How's that sound? A bit noisy?

Planes, dogs, traffic.

We won't be using

this bit anyway. Come on.

I hate that. Can't get

a word in edgewise.

They treat us like bloody kids.

Welcome to the Spicebus.

Cool.

Girls, competition winners.

- Hello!

Balloons, cakes,

sandwiches. Fun, fun.

Do you want a Polaroid?

Jack and Evie, isn't it?

Do you want something to eat?

Why are there

fish paste sarnies at parties?

- No one likes them.

- I know.

Must be great

being a Spice Girl.

It's really good. Yeah.

Be even better without

our fascist slave driver

bossing us about!

Let's escape from this place!

Don't worry.

She does this all the time.

She is mad.

When I say "Go," we go.

- Go!

- Grab some crisps!

- Let's go!

- Where are we going?

Just go with the flow!

Take it easy, girls.

- Where are they going?

- They're being spontaneous.

If they want to be spontaneous,

they have to clear it

with me first.

Come on. Let's go!

Can we have a ride on your boat?

There's an aquatic

adventure happening here.

We need a really

serious speedboat.

- Dennis, follow them!

- I'm on a trail, Clifford.

The Spice Girls at sea.

What an extraordinary

combination

of Girl Power and horsepower.

Can't this thing go any faster?

Avanti!

Deborah, can you please explain

what the hell is going on here?

They're just having fun.

You know, rock 'n' roll.

Rock 'n' roll is

getting off your face

and throwing TVs out of windows.

I don't remember boats.

They're dancing.

Can we have them dancing?

I hear singing.

Can you get

what they're singing?

Don't you remember being a kid?

What?

Falling over in the playground,

scraping your knees.

Deborah, what planet

are you from?

Hold on!

Water on the lens.

Here they come.

Stop!

Oh, my...

A child in the water!

I want a close-up!

- All I get is you shouting.

- Shush, then!

Turn it round! Quick!

Don't worry! I'll save them!

At last, a real drama!

Oof! Sorry!

Get off! I'm filming.

I got a loud splash, Piers.

Just great!

Parents lend us their kids,

and we drown them!

- Wow, that was brilliant!

- Yeah, wicked!

That was not

supposed to happen!

- You OK?

- We're fine.

You mean I got wet for nothing?

- Help!

- What?

This dress is

dryclean only, Melanie!

Are there sharks in the Thames?

Shut up.

They're coming!

Whose idea was this?

- Yours.

Can we do it again?

- Do you want to wear this?

- I'm not that desperate.

- Easy! Easy!

- Are you all right?

Do you realise what'll happen

if this gets out?

And more drama concerning

the Spice Girls.

Today, two young

competition winners

had a dramatic escape

when they fell

from a speeding boat

on the River Thames.

This report from James Platt.

Would you like a rescue remedy?

It's time for a chat.

Look at this!

Front page news again.

Suppose you had been drowned?

- We weren't.

- Speak for yourself.

What do you think you're doing?

- We were just having fun.

- What?

You know, fun,

like ha-ha-ha-ha-ha?

We're old enough to be

responsible for our own lives.

You don't have a life.

You have a schedule.

You are part of

a well-oiled global machine.

People are working

their butts off for you.

- People like Deborah.

- Leave my butt out of this.

Just don't be so

uptight, Clifford.

Uptight?! You've got

a live gig here tomorrow.

It's my job to see you turn up.

My bum is on the line!

Could you please leave butts

and bums out of this?

Some things are more

important than gigs.

- Like what?

- Self-respect and our freedom.

And friendship.

What are you saying? You

don't want to turn up tomorrow?

Maybe we don't!

- Why did you say that?

- I don't know.

Listen, it's up to us whether

we turn up or not tomorrow.

OK. Stay at home.

That's fine.

- Fine!

- What about the fans?

- We can't let them down!

- He didn't mean that.

Didn't I?

Please stop arguing!

When you know exactly

what is happening,

could somebody

please let me know?

- Now look what you've done!

- That's just too bad.

Yeah, 'cause you know what?

- I'm going home now. See ya.

- Bye.

Could we just stop this?

It's doing my head in!

I hope you know

what you're doing!

If you want a fight,

you're gonna lose.

So, what do you think?

No, I don't want to hear it.

What do you think?

I think you definitely,

definitely lost.

I think...

I may have started

the break-up of the Spice Girls.

It's fine, Chief.

Everything's fine.

- Oh, no, it isn't.

- No, it isn't.

How bad is it?

Imagine how bad

it could possibly be.

- Yes?

- Well, it's worse than that.

- Oh, dear.

- Don't get upset, Chief.

- Oh, dearie me.

- You're getting emotional.

The show will go on, even if

I have to round up four friends

and personally dress up

as Victoria.

- May it not come to that.

- I won't let you down.

The headless chicken

can only know where he's been.

He cannot see

where he is going.

Do not be that chicken,

Clifford.

Chicken. Right.

The girls have had a row

with Clifford.

They might not turn up

for the show.

Something strange is happening.

What is it?

Something's happening

to my face.

I...I think you're smiling.

A very long time ago.

Thanks, Brian.

There we go, girls.

That's six coffees. £1.50.

- Put in on the slate, please.

- What slate?

The we'll-pay-you-

when-we're-rich slate.

Call me old-fashioned, but...no.

- I'm not the Salvation Army?

- It was worth a try.

How's the career going?

We've got this new song.

What is it?

Flip-flop or hip-hop? Funk?

Where've you been

for the last 10 years?

Well, I don't know

the music scene now.

Anything goes these days.

I'm a jazz man,

and jazz is due for a comeback.

They've got this great song.

Do it for him.

- Nah. He's not interested.

- 'Course he is! Aren't you?

Yes, you are.

Sit down and listen.

Let's do it!

What do you think?

Not bad.

Just needs a bit more jazz.

Wicked!

- It'll make the top 20!

- Wicked!

It's great! I love it!

- It's so sad.

- That's what I was thinking.

We used to live in there.

- What are you doing here?

Same as you.

This seems like

ages ago, doesn't it?

It just shows you.

You can't go back.

I wonder

what happened to Brian.

We owe him

for a couple of coffees.

Let's go get some chips.

Bacon butties for me.

You don't care what you eat.

No, I don't.

I wonder if we've changed

since we've been famous?

I don't think I have.

Nor have I.

We worry about different things.

Then it was, "Where's

our next meal coming from?"

Now it's, "Where's

our next single going to?"

And, "Is it over soon?"

Melvin B, Emma, Melvin C,

Victoria, Geri...

You are guilty

of releasing a single

that is not as kicking

as your previous records,

nor does it have

such a wicked bass line.

You are sentenced

to having your next record

enter the charts at number 179

before dropping

out the following week.

What?

Furthermore,

you are sentenced to 20 years

of having to appear

on chat shows in Taiwan

talking about how

you used to be famous.

May God have mercy

on your lip gloss.

Call Gary Barlow.

We haven't got time

for our friends anymore.

Like Nicola.

We're supposed to be

godmothers to her baby.

We haven't spent

any time with her.

Why don't we

take her out tonight?

Yeah! And go really mental!

Yeah!

We have a show tomorrow.

What are we doing about that?

If Clifford finds out

he'll go beserk.

What are we waiting for?

- Yeah!

- Come on!

- Come on, Vicky!

- I can't run in these heels.

Thought I'd find you here.

Sorry, there's only room for

one depressed personality here.

At least you're still alive.

That's the bit

that depresses me.

I've got a degree in politics,

philosophy, and economics,

and I spend my life

worrying whether Mel C

is wearing

the right Nike Air Max.

- Did you sort them out?

- Yes.

Mind you, I'd rather be us

than the girls. Fame is...

Fame is a fickle thing.

What can I get you?

Gin and tonic, please.

Just a minute.

Can you make that a double?

Yes.

- You know what happens now?

- What's that?

We'll sit here

and get self-pitying,

telling each other

tales of lost lovers,

then deaden the pain

with a night of passion

and end up ruining

our professional relationship.

Well, I'm up for it if you are.

Time, ladies and gentlemen.

I hope Bob's here!

You all right, Nicola?

Fine. I won't be

going out for a while,

so I'm going to enjoy it.

- I love this song!

- That's because we wrote it!

- Let's go and dance.

- No, I'll watch you.

Take care, Nicola.

See you later.

Could somebody please tell me

what the dress code is here?

- Excuse me!

- Excuse me! Sorry.

Can we sit down, please?

I think the contractions

have started.

Maybe it's something you ate.

I don't remember

swallowing a baby.

The baby's coming. Don't panic.

- Don't panic.

- I'm not panicking.

What do you do

in an emergency?

- Call my mum!

- We need an ambulance!

- There's not enough time.

- We don't need an ambulance!

Dennis! We've got

to get to the hospital!

- All of you?

- Just get there!

Move 'em in.

We're gonna hit the trail.

- Ooh, that was a contraction.

- Cuddle.

Deep breathing.

That's the thing.

Not you, Victoria. Her!

Does anybody know

how to deliver a baby?

- Don't look at me!

- I know all about delivery.

- Yeah, right.

- I read it in a book.

First...put your legs together.

She should have

done that 9 months ago.

- Don't make me laugh, please.

- Do not make her laugh,

it'll shoot out

like a cannonball.

Seriously, what if

the baby comes out right now?

It's not gonna go far.

She's still got her tights on.

Stay there.

We're not ready for you.

- That's it! Push!

- I am pushing!

- Should she be pushing?

- What else can she do?

I'll turn myself inside out!

- What's going on?

- She's pushing!

How dilated is she?

Not very. She only had one gin.

Calm down. This is going

to take a long time.

Oh, that's nice.

It's all right. We're here.

That's catchy.

Excuse me?

Are you the Spice Girls?

Some of them.

My son's unconscious.

Could you talk to him,

try and wake him up?

- We can do that, can't we?

- Sorry about this.

Malcolm, the Spice Girls

have come to talk to you!

- Hello, Malcolm. It's Geri.

- And Melanie C.

And I'm Victoria, Malcolm!

Shh. Stop it.

What should we do now?

- Maybe just talk to him.

- What are we gonna say?

You could take

your top off, Geri.

- Shut up!

- Just a joke.

Anyway, he's got his eyes shut.

Not now.

- How are you feeling?

- Bad. Where are the girls?

I don't know. I have no idea.

How about trying to find out?

Come on. Chop-chop. Hurry it up.

Amazing how much pain

mothers have to suffer.

No wonder my mum thinks

I'm so ungrateful.

It's like passing a football.

My mum says it was like passing

a block of flats with balconies.

Hello? Hi, Deborah.

We're in hospital.

No, we're fine.

Nicola's having a baby.

We can't leave her.

Oh, no. I've got to go. Bye.

I can't believe it. They're

waiting for a friend's baby?

- It's called loyalty.

- No, it's called insanity.

The world is waiting for this

show and they're not here.

They're doing it to spite me.

They're trying to make me crack.

But I won't.

I won't.

I spy with my bionic eye

something beginning with "H".

Hospital.

Shut up, Geri.

I'm off-duty now.

Everything all right?

Fine. Doing anything

nice tonight?

I'm going to see

the Spice Girls' show.

I'd better get a move on.

See you all later...

hopefully.

Listen, this is silly.

Don't wait for me. Go.

Nicola, we said we'd stay,

so we're gonna stay.

- I think this is it.

- Yeah, it is.

Push down, Nicola. Very good.

Hi, Clifford. No, I don't

know when we'll be there.

This is more important.

It's about friendship.

But you wouldn't

know about that.

I'll speak to you later. Bye.

It can't take THIS long to have

a baby! This is the nineties!

He's about to

crack up any moment.

The sense of tension,

of impending doom.

Are you getting that sweat

on his upper lip?

That's beautiful.

Clifford,

have you got 5 minutes?

Seeing as there's nothing

else going around here - 5!

Graydon, fetch!

OK, here's the story!

It's the girls'

first live performance.

They are...

Only minutes until curtain up.

Hopes of the Spice Girls'

live triumph are dashed.

My God! It's coming out!

I think I'm gonna faint.

- No, you're not!

- Slap me! Oh!

- It's a beet root!

- It's a girl!

With arms like that,

she'll make a great goalie.

Now, that is Girl Power.

He's got a camera!

You're that reporter,

aren't you?

- Emergency!

- Get him, Melanie!

I'm late for the theatre!

The curtain's gone up!

He crashes to the ground!

Now the girls come face to face

with their tabloid tormentor.

The evil reporter is unmasked,

and Damien's whole worthless

life flashes before his eyes.

The girls have made him realise

that he's been living a lie.

Do you know what?

You've made me realize I've

been living a meaningless lie.

It's his character's

one defining moment.

There isn't a dry seat

in the house.

- I'm wet already.

- I don't buy it.

One minute, Damien's

this threatening monster,

the next, some weeping wimp.

That's the power of Girl Power.

- That's the end?

- No.

Damien goes after

the evil boss, McMaxford.

"McMaxford sacked

in jacuzzi scandal."

- What about the girls?

- They must get to Albert Hall.

They've been at

the hospital for 12 hours.

I don't believe it!

Just when you need him!

Now it's a race against time.

- A chase?

- Those are the rules.

- Out of the way, girls.

- What are you doing?

Fasten your seat belts!

Hey! That's my bus!

What are you doing?!

Out of the way!

Come on! What are you doing?

Are you blind?

Put your foot down!

Sunday drivers!

It's only Saturday!

The Spicebus

is racing across London,

through Trafalgar square,

pigeons are flying up,

guys are diving into fountains.

As it zooms down the mall

past Buckingham palace,

Prince William's

looking out a curtain.

He turns to the queen -

the queen, man! - and says,

"Granny, look!

It's the Spice Girls!

"They're on telly in a minute!

"Isn't that

the posh one driving?"

There's the queen!

- Hi, William!

- Hi, Charlie!

Suddenly they're

on top of the bus!

- Why?

- The rules.

There they are,

standing in gale force winds,

holding on for dear life!

Emma slips, but Geri grabs her!

Then Geri slips,

so Mel B grabs her.

Then she slips

so Mel C grabs her!

Is that 4?

Oh, there's one driving.

They're on the bus,

whiplashing back and forth,

about to be turned

into Spice Jam!

- Oh, my God!

- And?

Two nuns pull up right in front!

The braking tumbles

them back inside.

That was close.

- Is everyone all right?

- Victoria!

Sorry!

They're on the Tower Bridge.

Your attention, please.

The bridge will be lifted.

The road is rising

to let a boat through!

The bridge is going up!

They can't believe it!

My God, I don't believe it!

Are they crazy enough

to jump the gap?

Hold on to your knickers, girls!

Hey, baby, these

are the Spice Girls!

Of course they're

gonna go for it!

Up it goes...

a 5-ton London bus

sailing through the air

at 70 mph!

- It's incredible!

- It's expensive.

Not necessarily.

Just when you think they're

safe, they discover the bomb.

What bomb?

That bomb.

- Why?!

- Those are the rules.

I've had enough

of the rules!

Are you trying

to kill them?! No more!

They've suffered enough! Please!

All right! All right!

They run up to the Albert Hall,

then they hurtle

down the corridor,

and they burst through

that door right there.

You lied to me.

Now, now, hey, now.

Hey, that's enough of that!

Where are they?

I'll re-write it.

- Quick, we're late!

- Clifford's gonna go mad!

It's the coppers!

Stay calm, it'll be all right.

Is there a problem...Officer?

Dangerous driving,

criminal damage,

flying a bus without a license,

and frightening the pigeons.

- Go on, Emma. Go.

- What do I say?

I'm really sorry, Officer.

We were late for a show,

so we were in a hurry.

We didn't hurt anybody.

We're sorry and promise

never, ever to do that again.

- Should we cut?

- No, no!

What's the matter with him?

The very essence

of documentary - silence.

Silence. This is marvellous.

This is the plan.

The band starts up,

the fans go wild,

the lights come on,

and I walk centre stage

and hang myself.

By the way,

this is my good side.

My final words are...

"The Spice Girls -

I hate them!"

What are you doing

sitting around?

- We've got a show to do!

- Let's do it!

- Where are the mikes?

- Where are the clothes?

- Where are the bacon butties?

- I love those girls.

Hiya.

I love those girls!

- Damn.

- My arm...

That's ruined a perfectly good

ending to this documentary.

Everything's

under control, Chief.

Then let us enjoy this

triumph while we can,

before the hounds of catastrophe

break free of their shackles

and slobber chaos all over

our faces once again.

Ciao, Chief.

- What did he say?

- Does it matter?

When you've

been horrible to someone,

and you want to make it

all right again...

- Yeah?

- And you have to say stuff?

- Apologise?

- That's the one.

- I want to do that.

- You want to apologise?

What do you think?

Do we still have

a professional relationship?

Of course we do. Why ever not?

Just a minute!

I love you.

Yeah?

Let's go crazy!

The marvellous Spice Girls!

- We've got a deal.

- Yes!

I'm worried about me character.

It's totally unreal.

I'm supposed to be the baddie,

but why do I

hate the Spice Girls?

- There's no reason.

- He's a caricature.

Sort of this evil,

grotesque symbol

about how power

corrupts and perverts.

But why can't

I have a softer side?

The kids are gonna hate me.

They'll attack me in the street.

As an artiste, a good kicking

could be the highest

compliment you'll ever get.

They want me to play

their road manager.

I'm on a phone getting

angry all the time.

I don't want to end my career.

Fat, stupid, lazy -

it's all I get offered.

The sort people always ignore.

They want me to lose

my Scottish accent. Fine.

But the chest wig...

- Where's Mel B?

- There she is.

- Hi, Mel.

- Hello!

- Hi, Mel.

- You all right?

This chest wig...

- Hi. You're Mel B.

- No, C. Just call me Sporty.

"All right, sweetheart!"

The saying

from that film you did.

- Yes.

- What was it called?

- With, um...

- That was brilliant.

- You were really good.

- Thank you.

We'd all like to say

thank you for this.

We needed

a serious actress like you

to give it some depth.

We didn't want it to be...

Superficial.

Can I ask you

about the chest wig?

Oh, Graydon!

Can I speak to you

about our characters?

In one scene,

I'd like to be really angry

and maybe slap someone...

like Victoria.

- Sure. Why not?

- Emma?

And I don't want to be on an

exercise bike all the time.

I've got this catch

phrase I'd like to say.

I go up to somebody and go,

"I'm not from London, you know!"

'Cause you really are

from London, right?

Is that the joke? I got it.

Does he not know I'm from Leeds?

You lot, someone's watching us.

Oh, yeah.

Look at all

those people in there.

Hi! Hello!

Look at them two

snogging at the back.

I bet you didn't

see any of our film.

- And look where your hand is!

- Go on! Go on!

Look at the mess

they made with popcorn.

Know what I wonder?

Why do people sit there

and watch the credits?

It's probably

the sad anti-climax.

It's all over.

Back to reality.

I know where

they're gonna go.

They're gonna go to the pub

and then to the chippy.

Hey, you. No, not you.

Behind you.

To the left. I like your dress.

Is that a new Gucci one?

C & A, mate.

Some people are watching

this on video.

Is there nothing on telly, then?

You know what

they're wondering now?

What happened to the bomb?

Ha ha ha!

Thank you very much.

DVD Subtitles by

European Captioning Institute

Spice World (1997) - full transcript