Spanish Fly (1976) - full transcript

♪ Baby, you are my man ♪

♪ Treasure me, pleasure
me all night long ♪

♪ Baby, I know you can ♪

♪ Shiver me, quiver me oh so strong ♪

♪ Take me away to the sky ♪

♪ Make me your woman and see how we fly ♪

♪ Fly me high ♪

♪ Fly me high high high ♪

♪ Ooh, lalala, lalala ♪

♪ Shake me up, take me
up high in the sky ♪

♪ And fly me, fly me ♪



♪ Ooh, lala la, la la
la, I got the notion ♪

♪ So set me in motion, fly me ♪

♪ Ooh, lala la, la la
la, higher and higher ♪

♪ You know what will satisfy me, fly me ♪

♪ Ooh, lalala, lalala ♪

♪ I've got a faraway look in my eye ♪

♪ Look in my eye and fly me ♪

♪ Fly me now ♪

♪ Ooh, la la la, la la la,
shake me up, take me up ♪

♪ High in the sky and fly me, fly me ♪

♪ Ooh, la la la, la la la ♪

♪ I've got a faraway look in my eye ♪

♪ Look in my eye and fly me ♪

♪ Fly me, now ♪



Well, good day to you, Senor Praydays.

Prades.

Prades? Really?

Tricky lingo, isn't it? Prades,
I'll try and remember that.

Thank you very much for
your help and cooperation.

It is a pleasure to do business

with you, Senor Sir de Courcy.

Sir Percy, that's the form,
old boy. Call me Sir Percy.

Sir Percy? Oh, you are too kind.

Such familiarity. Please call me Antonio.

Antonio Jose Maria y Garcia
Fendande Depors Prades,

entirely at your service, anytime, old boy.

Ha ha.

Hello, Sir Percy. Good morning, Sir Percy.

How are you today, old boy?

Oh. Mm-mm.

Thank you, Perkins.

Ah, what ho, Domingo? How are you?

Sorry to hear that.

Well, Perkins, today we are celebrating.

Would you care for a drink?

That's very kind of you, sir.

On second thought, you
better not. You're driving.

Very good, sir.

Thank you.

Today I have negotiated
a loan with our new bank.

To pay back the old bank, sir?

Nothing as naive as that.

I'm sorry, sir.

Times are bad, and as much as I hate trade,

I reluctantly decided to go into business.

Oh no, sir, not again.

Yes, I've had a brilliant
idea. A safe and sound idea.

I've studied it from every single point,

and it simply cannot fail.

Mm.

Did you say something, Perkins?

May I be so bold as to ask, sir,

what this idea of yours is?

Yes, it's based on the
principal buy very, very cheap,

sell very, very dear.

Well the principal is very good, sir,

but just what are you buying?

Wine. Cheap, local
wine at nothing a gallon.

I bought 10,000 gallons of it.

Oh, sir, now you really
have done it this time.

Why didn't you consult me first, sir?

The local wine's so bad even
the locals won't drink it.

Unless they're drunk already.

They do say, sir, that
Nelson used to drink it

and that's how he came to lose his eye.

But, um, how do you
propose to sell it, sir?

Oh, easy.

With the right amount of snobbery attached,

people will buy anything,
especially the English.

So we'll give our little local wine

an impressive, French-sounding
name, a distinguished label,

a good vintage of course,
and, Perkins, we will sell it

at a vast profit to
some rich, silly sucker.

You've been overdoing it, old chap.

I have not been overdoing it.

Ask Janet.

How is Janet? Still
working as hard as ever?

She's a real dynamo, that woman.

She certainly is.

Unfortunately, she doesn't
light me up anymore.

You've been married quite
a few years, you know.

How long is it?

14 years, three and a half months.

Mike, old chap, you can't expect to keep up

the pace all your life, you know.

Things start to slow down.

Think about quality and not just quantity.

Once or twice a week is
enough for a chap your age.

Once, twice a week, I'd be grateful for.

I can't manage once or twice a month.

Oh, come along, Mike.

You ask Janet.

Once or twice a month?

With those little dolly
birds you work with?

Hm.

Modelling those sexy undies for Janet,

and you're the boss, oh ho ho.

Am I the boss?

You must get more opportunities in a week

than most men get in a lifetime.

Opportunities, yes, I mean tomorrow I'll be

in Menorca with four lovely model girls.

And only one Spanish
photographer as competition.

But it's no use having the opportunities

if you can't grasp them, so to speak.

Look, you must try to relax.

Stop worrying about Janet
and what Janet thinks.

That's easily said, isn't it?

Develop a sense of
humour. Laugh about it.

I don't find being impotent terribly funny.

Well, that'll be 50 guineas,

or 35 if you happen to have the cash.

No?

No.

I'll send you the bill.

Thank you.

Have fun in Menorca. Wish I were coming.

Lucky chap, goodbye.

Bye.

Keep taking the tablets.

Here we are, Perkins.

10,000 gallons of liquid gold.

I wish it was liquid gold.

You should have tried it,
sir, before you bought it.

I couldn't, Perkins. I
can't bear the taste of wine.

It gets on my gap.

Here we are, Chateau Neuf
du Fountainrue, 1964.

Sounds like French.

French and very expensive.

We ought to be able to sell
it for five pounds a bottle.

Till we get caught.

Don't keep moaning,
Perkins. Caught for what?

We don't say that it's French.

Tell me, where does it say
there that it's French?

Well, it doesn't actually say so, sir.

I mean not exactly.

Perkins, you're so squeamish.

You ought to have been
through public school.

They would have knocked all
that codswaddle out of you.

You're a pessimist, a defeatist,

and a doubting Thomas as well.

I'm very disappointed in you, Perkins.

You are an absolute shower.

Don't you think we ought to at least

try out a few bottles, sir.

Sampling the market, I
believe they call it.

Now that's a marvellous idea.

You're talking
constructively. Splendid idea.

Get a case. We'll go and
try it out on Domingo, eh?

And that other revolting
character up the road.

Oh no, sir, no, not him.
You couldn't do that, sir.

No, but you could.

Mr. Scott?

Yes, you must be Juan, huh?

Yes, sir. Good trip?

Not really. Too many children.

I must arrange my flight back.

So soon?

Tomorrow. Where's the
ticket office, Juan?

Firstly, the girls.

The girls? Oh, the
girls, yes, of course, yes.

But I must get my flight booked.

It's terribly important.

Girls. Senor Scott, this is Francesca.

She will help me make
beautiful pictures for you.

Oh, how do you do?

I do very well, thank you.

Do you really?

Yes.

Hm, yeah, well now that flight, huh?

Annette.

Mr. Scott.

Annette, nice to meet you.

I am French, but I love the English.

Oh, well, thank God somebody does, hm?

Now I really must arrange my...

And Bruce. Bruce?

Bruce? Bruce?

What, a male model?

Well what do you think?

I think I could be wrong.

Glad to meet you, Mike.

An Australian.

Spot on. If you're the
boss, I'm yours, mate.

Are you really?

Every little bit of me.

Well that's splendid.

Now I really must fix my
flight back for tomorrow.

Or, maybe the day after.

And Julie, where is she?

Julie?

Oh.

Is she all mine as well?

Senor Scott.

Juan tells me you have some
lovely things for us to wear.

Oh, lovely, I can't
wait, to show them to you.

Anytime, Mike, day or night.

Oh, you must be a very hard worker.

Now, about your flight, sir.

Flight, hm? We won't
bother about that now.

We'll talk about it later, hm?

How about a nice drink?

- Yes.
- Great.

Drink?

Do you speak French, Monsieur?

No, I find English quite difficult enough.

Are you staying in the same hotel as us?

Well, I hope so.

Buenos noches, Sir Percy.
Nice to see you again so soon.

Hello, Domingo. I
shan't need the gin today.

Just a wineglass. The
nicest wineglass you have.

Wineglass? For you?

Rather. Make it two.

Well come on, Domingo, don't hang around.

Y-yes, sir.

Ah, just one moment, Perkins. Yes.

Thank you, Perkins, that'll be all.

Very good, sir.

Good.

God.

It's good.

Now it's your turn. I mean,
you try some, Domingo.

Oh, this is very kind of you, Sir Percy.

Not at all. Nothing like
chateau bottle French wine.

Might just be able to
let you have a few cases

at a very reasonable price.

If it is so good, I
would happy to take some

in payment of your account, Sir Percy.

Really, hasn't Perkins
paid you? He is naughty.

No mind, salud.

Cheers, Sir Percy.

- Cheers.
- Salud.

Isn't it marvellous?

Superbo, you might say.

Have some more.

What did you say?

No, thank you.

I'll bet you've never tasted
anything like this before.

That's the truth, sir.

Maybe I might be able to
let you have two or three

dozen cases at a very reasonable price.

Shall we say 1,000 pesetas a case?

No thank you. I couldn't
accept such a big favour.

Oh nonsense, I absolutely insist.

Meantime, do you think I
might have a gin and tonic?

Sure.

What's he saying, Perkins?

He's saying, sir, mother of God,

I am murdered, poisoned and assassinated.

Maria, mother of my bed,
wife of my children,

fetch it please quickly, I die.

Poisoned, and in my own
bar, by a foreign devil

who tempts me with sweet words.

I hope the priest arrives
quickly before I die.

Didn't he like the wine?

Not madly, sir.

Don't leave your poison
here. Take it with you!

I don't believe it. I
really do not believe it.

Horsy de Courcy.

Scottie, Scottie, tiddlywink
champion of the junior house.

None other.

♪ We are the boys that make their noise ♪

♪ Oh, ah, oh ah ah ♪

Horsy de Courcy, old gin and tonic himself.

What's all this?

You haven't taken to
drinking wine, have you?

No, a little professional
wine tasting with Domingo here.

Yes, Sir Percy.

Domingo, a large gin
and tonic for my friend

and a large brandy and soda for me.

Immediately, sir.

How lovely. Do sit down.

Thanks, Horsy. What on
Earth are you doing here?

I live here.

No.

Course I might ask you
what you're doing here,

but I'm too much of a gentleman.

Does Janet know you're here?

Of course she does. I'm on business.

I say, what a nice business.

I thought you were in public relations.

No, not for years.

Janet and I have our own
firm. She designs, I sell.

You wouldn't like to sell that, would you?

No ho ho.

Well how about me introducing me?

Yes, all right.

Really?

Julie, come meet an old enemy of mine.

Percy and I were at school together.

He's a lot older, of course.

Only a teeny bit.

Sir Percy de Courcy.

Charmed.

Sir Percy? Did you do something famous?

No, no, his father died.
Well, they say he died.

Was he pushed?

He's always on. He's joking, you know.

Do come and sit down.

Well, what would you like to drink?

Just a little wine, thank you.

I have to watch my figure.

Yeah, don't we all.

Nonsense, you look divine.
Domingo, oh, there you are.

Take those, will you. Bring
me another wineglass, Domingo.

Tell me, what are you
doing here in Menorca?

Well, I'm a model.

We're photographing our new collection,

Janet Scott Underwear, for girls to put on

and men to take off.

Do you mean frilly black
nighties and that sort of stuff?

Yeah, I thought that
would get you going, Horsy.

Splendid, I'll certainly
drink to that. Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Cat piss, ugh.

I'm so sorry. Must be a bad bottle.

Oh no, look at my dress.

Here, let, let, let me help you.

Oh yeah, it's not cats. It's dogs.

Nonsense. This is just a corked bottle.

There's nothing wrong with this wine.

Wine? This has never been near a grape.

You're rubbing a hole
in my dress, Sir Percy.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Don't worry. I will
rinse it out in the hotel.

Yes, I'll give you a hand.

I think it's time we were going.

I really am sorry about your dress, Julie.

Perhaps I could invite you
to dinner to make amends.

Mm.

That would be very nice, Sir Percy.

And, Scottie, we must meet again.

I may have a very interesting
proposition for you.

I'm sure, but we're gonna be very busy

during the short time we're here.

I can imagine.

Come on, Julie.

Goodbye.

Come on, girls, we're ready.

Thanks for the drink, Horsy.

Good night, sir.

Goodbye.

Come on, girls.

How did you get on, sir?

All right, I think I found a customer.

Rich as creases, at least his wife is.

But we have a problem with the wine.

Problem, sir?

We'll have to make it taste better.

How do we make it taste better, sir?

I don't know, but
you'll think of something.

Boil it or something.
It really was ghastly.

What did she call it? Cat's piss.

Must been through a very expensive school.

I expect the porter's gone on holiday.

Bet he's gone to Brighton.

There.

Mm.

Ah, yes.

Oh, hello.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Juan. I...

That's perfectly all right. Come on in.

They told me this was my room.

Oh, they didn't explain to you?

What?

We have to share.

Share what?

The room.

The room? But there's only one bed.

Si, Senor.

No, Senor.

What's through here?

Oh, hi, Mike.

Hi, yes, good evening.

Pass us the soap, will you?

The soap?

Oh, yes, of course. There we are.

Thanks, mate.

Why don't you ask me to wash your back?

Wash my back?

Hm? Now, say please.

Please.

That's all right.

Ooh, that's lovely.

How's that, all right?

Oh, it's great.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

Yes, there is?

What?

Pass me the towel.

The towel, yes, of course.

There we are.

Whoa, whoa.

Thank you. So, come into our room.

Yes, nice. Fascinating idea.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, Mike.

Julie.

Did you come to show us the clothes?

No, I came in search of
a room actually. Thank you.

Oh, do you not want to sleep with Juan?

Strangely enough, no.

Why not?

I'm just funny that way.

Oh. You want to move in with us?

That's a much better idea.

Very friendly. Why didn't I think of that?

You could move in here
with one of us. And?

One of you could move in there, with um...

It's okay by me.

But which one of you?

What are you talking about?
Share a room with a girl?

What would my mother say?

Does your mother have to know?

I never deceive my mother.

Really?

I tell her everything.

Incredible.

But, if I'm so unpleasant to
you, Mr. Scott, don't worry.

I'll sleep on the balcony.

What's that?

I thought I heard a cork.

Champagne? How lovely.

Isn't that kind of Juan.

- Salud.
- Salud.

- Cheers.
- Salud.

- Cheers.
- Cheers, cheers.

So you're old mates again?

Of course we
are. Aren't we, Mike?

Yes, no trouble
at all. No trouble at all.

Sit down, Bruce.

Thanks.

It's nice here, isn't it?

So what has been decided?

Just a straightforward swap.

A swap?

Yeah, you girls take the double bed,

and we take the singles.

Pity.

For the time being.

We're bound to bump into
each other in the bathroom.

Of course.

Oh, it looks marvellous, beautiful.

Yes.

Please off with the barbecue
and grind these up for me.

What have you got?

Herbs, what for?

Well I'm trying to improve
the taste of this wine.

I've just been round the
garden picking up bits

of anything with a strong enough smell.

Now let's see, what have we got?

Parsley, stewed prunes, molasses.

Have we got any curry powder?

You would not put curry
powder into wine, would you?

Why not?

I'll try anything.

A desperate situation calls
for desperate measures.

Oh.

What's up?

God, it's worse than before.

There is a lot of flies on those leaves.

Flies? They won't do any harm.

But I've squashed them.

Good, go on, grind
them up. Good riddance.

Mr. Perkins, I think
you make fun with me.

Not at all.

Something I would like
to do with you, though.

Let's see.

What shall I call this one?

Well, I think I'll just
call it herbs, and flies.

That'll remind me not to try it.

Now, where was 1?

- Oh.
- No, Mr. Perkins.

Yes, over here.

Thank you.

Now try these, I think
the colour might suit you.

Yeah.

Yes.

Oh, no.

Want some?

Come on.

How about these?

That's okay. May I help you?

Very good. Very good.

Yes, very good. Excellent.

Yes, I think we're doing well, girls.

Yes, really very well.

Lovely. Let me look at you.

What a picture.

Woman and her dressing table.

Renoir would have painted
this scene, you know.

Manet, Monet, Degas.

How they'd have loved to
stand where I'm standing

and watch, what I'm watching.

Please don't move.

If only I could paint.

Did you come in here to paint me?

You know, you really
are incredibly beautiful.

Uh, Mike, you're wanted on
the telephone in our room.

Somebody called Janet.
She sounded like a wife.

She is a wife, mine. Excuse me.

Hello, Janet?

Mike, where have you been?

First, I get a hold of
a poofy receptionist,

and then an hysterical Spaniard,

and finally someone called
Bruce who sounded like a girl.

Just a minute.

Janet Scott.

Knickers? How many?

1,000 pairs a week. Next week, impossible.

The week after I can do.
Confirm that in writing.

Mike?

Mm-hm, darling.

You know I don't like to be kept waiting.

And phoning Spain is expensive.

How's it been going?

Well.

When are you coming back?

It's all going very well, darling.

I'm trying to get back tomorrow.

What do you mean trying?
What's stopping you?

Well, nothing at the moment.

Well mind nothing does.

Of course, darling.

Something very funny
happened the other day.

I want you back here
with the first pictures.

There's a lot to do.

Yes, yes, there's a lot
to do here too, my darling.

Now Mike?

Hm?

Keep taking the tablets.

Yeah, yes.

See you tomorrow then. Bye.

Yeah, goodbye.

Darling.

See you later, Mike.

Senor Mike, you like that?

I like it very much, Juan,

but I do wish you'd photograph it.

I have to take these first
rolls back to London to my wife.

Of course.

She's going to be so pleased.

Well, that'd be a change.

Mike, do you have to go back today?

I'll be in dead trouble if I don't.

Perkins?

Perkins?

Perkins?

Oh, oh, there you are.

Time for my drink, Perkins.
The sun is over the yardarm.

It isn't really, but I'm
sure nobody's counting.

Very good, Sir Percy.

Did you get enough of
that stuff down there?

Oh yes, sir, plenty, sir.

Good, some of it might do the trick, eh?

No thanks very much, I'm
trying to give it up.

Oh, and Perkins?

Think I'll have it out here.

Good one. Now how about
Annette by the lobster pot?

Why not? They are in good shape.

So is Annette, actually.

Sir Percy. Sir Percy.

Something terrible has happened.

Are we sinking or something?

No, sir, worse. Much worse.

We've run out of tonic.

Run out of tonic?

But that's not terrible,
that's catastrophic.

I'm sorry, sir.

You're sorry? What do
you mean you're sorry?

It's like Napoleon saying I'm sorry

after the Battle of Waterloo.

Perkins, do you realise that gin and tonic

is the cornerstone of the British Empire?

The empire was built on gin and tonic.

Gin to fight the boredom of exile,

and quinine to fight malaria.

How else do you think we
could have carried the cross

of responsibility for the lives of millions

without the friendly
fortitude of gin and tonic?

And you've run out of tonic,
Perkins. That's treason.

Go before I strike you.

Very good, sir.

What did they say, Juan?

They want to go fishing.
This is their boat.

Ask them if we can hire it for the day.

Well as lovely as you look, Julie,

would you mind slipping into
some of our cami knicks.

Cami knicks? Sure,
darling, anything you want.

I think I want a cold drink.

Do you know I find
something irresistibly sexy

about underwear and the sea?

The sand, and the, well, anything really.

That's okay, 10,000 pesetas a day.

10,000 pesetas? I don't want to buy it.

No, if you want to buy
it, it will be much less.

Papa, Papa?

That's much better. You've got it now!

Can we get Julie off of it?
She's too low in the boat.

Yeah, get up onto the stern.

Julie, get as high as you can.

Yeah, that's much better.

Uno, dos, uno, dos, uno dos.

Uno, dos, uno, dos, uno, dos.

Uno, dos, uno, dos, uno, dos,

uno, dos, uno, dos, uno.

No tonic.

What the hell do you put in gin

if you haven't got any tonic?

More gin, I suppose.

How's that boat for the background, Juan?

Good, good shape. Nice picture.

Horsy, is that old tub yours?

Yacht, old boy. Yacht.

Yacht. Gin palace.

Mike, get that man out of the way.

He will ruin my picture.

Lie down, old man, will you?

Your face is upsetting my photographer.

You always were an insubordinate bounder.

I was going to ask you over for a drink,

but I'm damned if I will now.

I say, got any tonic?

Tonic? No, no.

Useless oaf.

What the hell's going on over there?

Bring the boat back. I
wanna get over there.

Come on.

Hello. Do let me help you.

Congratulations. You did that
absolutely marvellously well.

I didn't mean to fall in.

Really? I thought it
was all part of the show.

Something in the water knocked me over.

It must have been Perkins.

The most sensible thing he's done today.

I say, you look absolutely charming.

You have a towel?

A towel?

I suppose we've got a towel,
but Perkins isn't here,

so do let me help.

Never mind. I need some time in the sun.

If you don't mind, Sir Percy.

No, I don't mind at all.

I say, perhaps you better go
to the other side of the boat

so nobody can see you,
except me, of course.

I don't mind. I have a
beautiful body, don't you think?

Absolutely splendid.

There's a deck shower around there,

if you'd like to pour yourself into it.

Thank you.

Absolutely splendid.

Horsy, you're responsible for this.

What's the matter, old
boy? I haven't done a thing.

I thought about it, but
I haven't done a thing.

You sent that idiot frogman of yours

out there deliberately.

You're a bloody pirate.

Oh, you're talking a lot
of cod. That was Perkins.

He's out there fishing,
looking for lobsters.

Hoping you'd all come to dinner.

Not me, thank you very much.

I'm catching the afternoon plane.

Oh? What's your hurry?

Janet wants me and the film back in London.

Would you please throw our
girl back? We're in a hurry.

She's wet. Very lovely, but wet.

So are you. Certainly not lovely.

Now come along, Horsy,
please. We need her.

I bet you do.

Uno, dos, uno, dos, uno, dos, uno, dos.

Mind the step.

Hello.

What about your nightie?

Keep it, old man, it could suit you.

Julie, look at your hair. It's a mess.

My God, my film.

My God, my paint.

Jump, Senor.

Jump? What do you mean jump?

We saw your signals.

Yes, that's right. That was me.

You're in distress.

Yes, as a matter of fact,
I am. I've run out of tonic.

Senor?

Do be a good chap and nip ashore

and get me 12 bottles, will you.

Preferably Schweppes. Don't be long.

Ail Mr. Perkins, Sir Percy might see.

Hello, and what might Sir Percy see?

Oh, Senor, I couldn't say.

Oh, it's like that, eh?

Perkins, lay the table, not the maid.

Very good, sir.

Not that I can blame you.

Well here it all is, eh?

How did the seaweed work, by the way?

Oh, very well, sir.
Most distinctive flavour.

Would you care to try some?

Don't be ridiculous.
What else have you got?

Well, sir, there's molasses,

plain sugar, stewed prunes,

that's the seaweed.

Uh-huh.

Parsley. Herbs and flies, curry powder.

Flies?

Bit of a mistake, that one, sir.

How disgusting.

No ordinary flies, sir.
Actually, they're quite pretty.

What do they taste like?

I don't know, sir. I
didn't fancy that one.

Ah, Josie, how very nice of you to come.

Take his bike, Perkins.

Of course, of course, of course.

Now, over here, we have examples
of our very finest wines,

and we would like your expert opinion

as to which one is the best.

Perkins, he understood me perfectly.

How on Earth do you expect
these chaps to learn English

when you keep on waffing away in Spanish?

I'm sorry, sir, I hadn't thought of that.

We should have thought
of a spittoon, Perkins.

He's ruining the lawn.

Gracias, gracias.

Flies.

Flies?

Flies.

Flies?

Ah, here we are.

Now, Perkins, it's absolutely essential

that you remember exactly
what those flies looked like.

They were the same kind
that covers the leaves, sir.

That's why I didn't see them at first.

I see. I take it that they were green.

Sort of green and gold.

Uh-huh.

And shiny.

And quite big, they were, a good half-inch.

Long and thin.

Long and...

Long and thin, like a beetle.

Well make up your mind, Perkins.

Are they beetles or flies?

Well they could have been flies, sir.

Or would you prefer insects?

What are you doing there, by the way?

I'm trying out the wine on some fleas, sir.

Fleas?

Why fleas?

They were handy.

Handy?

The dog.

Oh, oh, sorry.

Here, how about this one?

Green and gold, about five-eighths

of an inch long, Southern Europe.

Hm?

That's them, sir. That's the one.

Are you sure?

Absolutely certain, sir.

Good heavens, would you believe it?

Cantharus vesicatoria, or Spanish fly.

Spanish fly?

An insect dissolved in
alcohol was much prized

in earlier times as a reputed
aphrodisiac or love potion.

Unfortunate side effects prevented it being

accepted by the medical profession.

Side effects, wonder what that was.

Putting on weight or something.

Here, look at that, sir.

What are they doing?

Well they're not holding hands.

By George, they're at it.

I only gave them a drop.

Perkins, I'm going to be a very rich man.

You've just killed them, sir.

Have I really? So sorry.

What a lovely way to go.

Couldn't we try it out
on something bigger, sir?

Perkins, I'm sure you haven't forgotten.

We have guests for dinner.

Oh, no thanks, only champagne.

Oh do try the red. It's very special.

He only ever drinks champagne.

The red wine argues with my stomach.

Champagne for me too, please.

Actually, Horsy, I think
I'd prefer champagne.

Champagne? Champagne's a poofy drink.

No of fence, old chap.

Look, Scottie, I would really
like you to try this wine.

I value your opinion.

It's not that cat's piss again, is it?

No no, no no, this is
really a very fine wine.

Hm, it's quite pleasant.

Quite pleasant?

Don't nibble at it, give it a good bashing.

It's a lovely wine.

Chateau bottled, you know.

Mm, I didn't know they
had any chateau in Morocco.

Mm, what do you think of it, Bruce?

Oh, it's lovely.

Thank you.

It's sort of, uh, warming.

Yes, mm.

Oh good, good. That's marvellous.

I hope you enjoy the paella.

Sorry about the lobsters, but
Perkins couldn't catch any.

Matter of fact, I rather
think the lobster can do

their call faster than he can do his.

He's never actually
caught one single lobster.

He still owes me for the frog suit.

Ah, it looks marvellous, eh?

Ah!

Thank you.

Mm, c'est fantastique.

Yes, mate, really nice.

Mm.

You know, it chokes me
to say it, Horsy, but

I have to agree with you, you know.

This plunk of yours is not at all bad.

Good.

Look, I was fortunate
enough to come across quite

a good supply of this wine,
and as you're an old friend,

and if you feel like it,
I might be able to fix

you up with a few crates.

That's very decent of you, Horsy.

At a very reasonable price.

Hm, how much?

Three pounds a bottle.

Three pounds a bottle? Three.

You're joking.

Well let's say 20 pounds
a case, dozen bottles.

I'd say a fiver.

Ah ha ha.

Six.

Well it cost me twice that.

All right then, seven.

Look, if you don't mind my saying so,

you always were a mean sod.

If you don't mind my saying so,

you always were a
chiselling bastard, eight.

Go and get buttered.

I prefer margarine, but you
wouldn't know the difference.

But I do know the difference

between a good and a bad wine.

Shall we settle for nine?

8.50.

All right, done. How
many cases would you like?

One.

One? Oh, Lord.

Perkins, give him some more wine.

I don't understand. You two are friends?

Yes, yes, we're old friends actually,

but don't forget, we're English.

All of a sudden, I feel really randy.

Australian, you know.

Frightfully physical.

Francesca, no, please.

Why are you frightened of me?

Because you're a girl.

Oh, naughty, you've been peeping, yeah?

Um, why don't we go home?

Now?

Now.

Isn't it rather rude?

Ooh yes, but I feel very rude.

Can't you wait?

No.

Neither can I.

I'm so sorry, Horsy.

I don't quite know, ooh, how to put this,

but I'm afraid we've got to go.

Oh what a pity.

I haven't had such fun since Nanny died.

No, neither have I actually,
but I've got to get up

early in the morning.

Oui.

Do you all have to go?

I really have to.

No no, no more. Please, no
really, I couldn't manage.

To get you all in the car, I mean.

- Perkins?
- Sir?

Get the car, will you?

Yes, sir.

Oh, and, don't forget the camera.

Very good, sir.

Oh, Horsy, the wine.

Two cases.

Ah, that's more like it.

Oh, and thank you for a lovely dinner.

Not at all.

Come back for the dessert
cheese and coffee another day.

Hey.

Hey, I'm first.

But my room's the closest.

Yeah, well, it was my idea.

We're here now. It's quicker.

Girls, please.

Annette, Bruce was first, you know.

Oh, but very well. Be
quick, I'll be waiting.

I won't keep you very long.

Come on.

Sh!

Ah ha.

Why are we stopped, Perkins?

We've run out of petrol, sir.

Oh.

Why have we run out of petrol?

Because we've run out of credit, sir.

Oh.

Then we'll walk. Nice day for a walk.

Don't forget the wine.

Ticket, Senor. 50 pesetas, Senor.

Seems reasonable.

100 pesetas for two.

Seems logical.

Ah, there we are.

No, stop!

Look at you. Just look at you!

What have you been doing?

Don't be daft. What's it
look like we've been doing?

I make you two guesses.

Women!

How can I work with
girls in this condition?

I'm sorry. We couldn't
help it, just had to be done.

You can imagine what it was like.

No, perhaps you can't.

But what can I do with those bruises?

Stop fussing, Juan.
You've still got two girls.

I couldn't get round
to Julie and Francesca.

Did my best.

Spirit was willing. Flesh let me down.

Your turn next, my darlings.

{

Mike.

Music.

No, I have enough with you two.

Over here.

I will get you against the sun.

Ah, there you are, dear
boy. Trust you slept well.

Sleep? Oh, what's that?

I thought I might deliver your wine

as I happened to be passing.

Passing? How do you pass down here?

- Very good.
- Cash on delivery, of course.

Of course. Now, 8.50 a case, wasn't it?

Cash. I don't know whether
I've got enough on me.

Pity. Still, I'm perfectly
happy to accept your check.

I might just be able to
spare you a few more cases.

That's very nice of you, Horsy, old man.

Remarkable wine.

Oh yeah? Seems fairly ordinary to me.

It's the effect that I find so interesting.

Effect? I don't know
what you're talking about.

Wine is wine.

If you drink a lot, it makes you drunk.

Perkins?

How many cases might you want?

That depends on the price.

I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.

For a quantity, I'd expect
a very different price.

Of course.

8.50 a case for Spanish plum.

It just isn't on, is it?

No, of course it isn't.

Did you have a figure in mind?

Matter of fact, I do, yeah.

How much?

10 pounds a case.

10 pounds? 1.50 more than last night?

That's not even
inflation. It's extortion.

But it's a very remarkable wine.

Yes, I know.

Oh my God.

How's Janet, by the way?

This is a very dirty
trick, Horsy. Even for you.

To think we went to the same school.

How could you do such a thing?

Oh, I couldn't. But Perkins could.

However, I don't think you're
in a position to moralise.

For example, what on Earth do you think

you're doing to this unhappy girl?

Oh, I remember that.

What do you mean unhappy?
She's obviously loving it.

Beast.

Hm?

Did I do that?

How many more of these have you got?

I seem to have done
pretty well for one night.

Not bad for a fourth fallout.

Yeah, I was always a
very virile little champ.

Maybe, but I bet this is the first time

that your performance has
matched up to your lust.

I might well agree with you there.

I'm beginning to get on to you.

You doctored that wine, didn't you, Horsy?

What did you put in it?

Oh a spot of this and that. Mostly that.

An aphrodisiac wine.

This is the greatest invention
since the double bed.

How much do you want?

I'll take a thousand cases.

Perkins, me must go into full production.

At 10 pounds a case.

Make it out to cash, and it's 12.

Twe, 12? You said 10.

Like everything else, it's gone up.

I better write the check out quickly,

before it goes up again.

Passion punch.

Cash.

12,000 pounds.

Cash?

12,000 pounds.

Specially cleared through
London. What's he done?

I shall kill him.

I swear it.

I shall

kill him.

Okay?

Okay?

Bueno. Vamos.

Up up, up up.

Oh, not again.

Go on, off you go. Get pedalling.

Keep going. That's right, off we go.

Ah, this is the label I had
specially designed for you.

Like it? The rest of
your wine's over there.

It's very good, but I want to know

what the magic ingredient is.

Oh, it's a trade secret, old boy.

It's not dangerous, is it?

No, of course not. You
feel all right, don't you?

All right?

Ho ho ho, I've never been
more all right in my life.

I'm just wondering how long
I'll be able to keep it up.

Keep drinking the wine,
and you'll keep it up.

Would you like to oil my back?

Mm-hm, yes.

What I'm going to do to you.

When?

When?

There's no time like now.

Mr. Scott.

I think Mr. Scott is
in his room, Madame.

I'm Mrs. Scott, what number?

Number Six, at the top of the stairs.

Now, just one more little drink.

Then lots of nicks and bruises for you.

I don't bruise easily.

Mm, who wants it to be easy?

Oh, my God.

Who are you?

I am Juan.

I'm Janet Scott. How do you do?

Oh, what do you intend to do?

I was thinking of killing my husband.

You kill Mike? Why?

Just because he has been unfaithful to you?

Has he indeed? I didn't know he could.

Who, Mike? But Mike is like a ram.

A goat, a bull.

I think you are a very fortunate
woman to have all that.

I've never had all that.
Not that there's much to have.

Where is he?

I don't know. No, no, please.

I don't know.

Where is he?

Janet, darling.

So it's true?

Put that thing down. No, please.

No, darling, please, look,
I can explain everything.

Well, uh...

Don't explain.

Show me.

What?

You ram. You goat.

You bull.

Don't let me down. Not now.

Later.

Just one more.

We'll talk.

Please, give me strength.

About that

check.

I was sure my last moment had come.

There was death, staring me in the face,

with a very big sword.

Mm, poor Juan.

Indeed, poor Juan.

You know what I would
like? Some pink champagne.

Pink champagne? There is none.

I had some in France
once. It was beautiful.

No.

Oh, they make it like this?

Oh yes. Try it, you will like it.

You are very good to me, Julie.

I am very fond of you, Juan.

What, what, what was that?

It sounded like a bark, next door.

Mike, you keep away. I'm warning you.

It's the wine. You see, it's out.

It's, it's out.

You've got rabies.

You've been bitten by a mad dog.

It's out.

Keep away!

Rabies. Did he bite you too?

Everywhere. Rabies?

Will I die?

I expect so, dear. Horribly.

I will fetch help. Hm.

Oh, Juan, will you?

Will you really?

Yes.

You may come with me.

Vino, vino!

Tell me, Isabel, when did you start making

these nasty noises?

Oh dear, dear, dear, well
now, I distinctly remember

this said something
about side effects here.

Let's see if we can find it.

Here we are.

Unfortunately, certain
side effects prevented

it being accepted by
the medical profession.

Blah, blah, blah blah blah, oh dear.

Oh dear. Priapism in the male.

Well you haven't got that?

Constriction of the vocal cords to cause

barking like a dog.

That would seem to be
your problem. Oh dear.

And a desire to, uh,
mm-mm, every two minutes.

You've got that as well.

Perkins, Perkins?

Yes, sir.

What kept you?

We have a slight problem, Sir Percy.

Yes, I know we have. Get the Rolls.

That is the problem, sir.

Don't talk in riddles.

It's gone, sir.

Gone, what do you mean gone?

The man came to collect it.

Came to collect, was
something wrong with it?

He took it back.

We had overlooked the little
matter of paying for it, sir.

Oh, well, we had five jolly good years

wear and tear out of it, didn't we?

Don't panic, Perkins. Think of something.

I'm not panicking, sir.

All right, well, I'll panic,

but for Pete sake, think of something.

Very good, sir.

Is Mike here? Have you seen Mike?

No, I haven't.

No?

Hey, I like your dress.

Have you seen Mike?

Hey, come on.

Horsy? Horsy?

Horsy?

That's very charming.

Whoa whoa, whoa whoa whoa, whoa.

Why have you stopped, Perkins?
Have you run out of hay?

We'll never get through that lot, sir.

Oh, another one of those bloody fiestas.

No wonder the Spaniards lost their empire.

We lost ours, too, sir.

Yes, tragic.

They lost theirs through fiestas.

We lost ours through strikes,
so no time for tittle tattle.

Come along, Perkins.
Don't forget the pots.

Oh.

Come along! Oh, there you are.

Hey, hey!

Janet, Janet.

Janet, Janet.

Mike, where have you
been? Are you all right?

Am I all right? What's going on here?

Oh my God, they got at the
wine, and it's dangerous.

Dangerous?

It's got Spanish fly in it.

Spanish fly?

And it's nearly killed me.

Does the wine do that as well?

Approximately every two minutes.

And worse, ooh, much worse.

So if you don't wanna
spend the rest of your days

in a Spanish jail, come on.

Ooh, just a little wine
and I think I have you.

Just a little wine, and I think I have you.

Oh well, at least it solved his problem.

Uh-huh.

Come on. Come on, stop it.

Give it to me.

Hey, woof.

I can't understand a word they're saying.

Bloody foreigners.

Hey, come on. Get out of the way.

Get out, go on.

Stop it. Stop throwing it away!

What are you doing
throwing wine into the sea?

Get out of the way!

Well, that's a few gallons of it.

Oh, those poor fish.

Horsy! Look, he's getting away.

There goes 12,000 pounds of my money.

Eh?

Our money.

Yeah, a very expensive party, my darling.

Hola.

Give it to me.

Oh no no, please.

No.

What?

This vino, make my hair come back.

I'll show you.

Look, see.

Janet, Janet, here look. Look at this.

Hair, sprouting in the desert.

Si si, Senor. Hair in the
desert, where nothing grew.

Thank you.

Oh, not at all.

Thank you. Muchos gracias.

- De nada.
- Muchos gracias.

How much of that wine did you buy?

A thousand cases.

I think you've done
something clever, my darling.

Thank you, my darling. I'm brilliant.

Scott's patent hair restorer.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Sir de Coursy.

Sir Percy, old boy.

I don't think you'll be
seeing him for a while, old boy.

Look. He's just taken off in his boat.

His boat?

My boat.

Perkins, you really are a birk.

You're always running out of something.

Have you any idea where you're aiming for?

How about Ibiza?

Well you can go anywhere,
but do try and avoid Liverpool.

Malta?

Greece?

How about Gibraltar?

We can't go to Gibraltar,
sir. We've done that already.

Oh yes, of course. I've forgotten.

You make up your mind, sir. I'll row.

I know what to do, Perkins.

Row to the horizon, and then turn right.

♪ Baby, I am on fire ♪

♪ Something is making me burn ♪

♪ Baby, you take me higher ♪

♪ Show me what I've got to learn ♪

♪ Teach me to reach for the sky ♪

♪ Tell me you need me and fly me high ♪

♪ Fly me high ♪

♪ Fly me high high high ♪

♪ Ooh, la la la, shake me up,
take me up high in the sky ♪

♪ And fly me, fly me ♪

♪ Ooh, la la la, la la
la, I got the notion ♪

♪ So set me in motion, fly me ♪

♪ Ooh, lala la, la la
la, higher and higher ♪

♪ You know how to satisfy me, fly me ♪

♪ Ooh, la la la, la la la ♪

♪ I've got a faraway look in my eye ♪

♪ Look in my eye and fly me ♪

♪ Fly me now ♪

♪ Ooh, la la la, la la la,
shake me up, take me up ♪

♪ High in the sky and fly me, fly me ♪

♪ Ooh, la la la, la la la ♪

♪ I got a faraway look in my eye ♪

♪ Look in my eye and fly me ♪

♪ Fly me, now ♪