Spaced Out (2006) - full transcript

The planet earth is in peril of impending doom, and maniacal destructive forces from outer space are closely at hand! Twisted, demented alien terrorists are single-handedly about to reap horrific havoc on earth and threaten life itself. Meanwhile, ace investigative reporter extraordinaire, Al Manac (James Vallo), has been held captive for two years in their space lair.



-The sky!

The trees!


Oh, people.

Real people.

Oh, people!

Real people!


-Real people!

Oh, my god, you don't know
how good it is to see you!

Do you know where I've been?

Do you know?

I've been abducted by aliens.

It's true.

-Wow, what a story.


You've convinced us.



We'll buy some of
what you're smoking.



-You look just how I feel.

I'm-- I'm lonely.

I've got no one.

There's no one for me.


-Well, I could
stand to be alone.

I just spent the last two
years with an alien probe

up my ass 24/7.

Dozens and dozens and dozens
of those gray bastards

surrounding me, never
leaving me alone,

not for one second of the day.


I mean, I've always heard about
alien abductions, of course,

but I've never
actually met anyone

who's been abducted before.

-Well, now you have.

-And the stories
about alien probes?

-Oh, they're true, all right.

No, they're worse.

They're worse than
what you would hear.

-And, uh-- how
did they pick you?

-Do you know that
old expression,

be careful of what you wish
for, because it may come true?

Well, I was this
investigative news journalist

on this television show
called "The Search for--"

-Intelligent life?

Of course I've heard about that.


Anyway, I was trying to prove
the existence of alien beings

on the planet Earth, and
I finally found my proof.

The problem is that they found
me, too, and now here I am,

two years later.

-You mean you just got back?


-So all this time,
you were-- and they

were-- with their machine?

-Yeah, right up
the old dirt road.



-No breaks at all?

-None whatsoever.

-And all of this happened
because of your TV job?


-Was the exploration thorough?

-Do you mind?


Take it easy.

See you later.

-Oh, OK.


I'd like that.

-Hey, guys.

I know you don't
know me or anything,

but do you think I
could borrow some cash?

Maybe not.

-What the fuck are you wearing?

-Excuse me?

Hey, excuse me.

-Holy shit.
What happened to you?

-I was probed.

No, I was mugged.

I-- I was mugged.

I was mugged.

-You want me to call the
police or something for you?

-No, I'll-- I'll
call them later when

I've thought everything through.

-All right.

Fine by me.

Hey, listen, there was
this guy that worked here.

It was about two years ago.

I think he worked--
he worked days.

-Two years?


I mean, I'm lucky if I can
remember two weeks ago.

Got this damn metal
plate in my head.

-Yeah, right.

This guy, he's about--
oh, I don't know.

-Can I get you a
drink or something?



Actually yes.
Whatever you have on tap.

Beer, please.

-Should I call the police?

-You already did.

Man, that's good.

So this guy worked here.

-What guy?

-The bartender.

-I'm the bartender.

-How long have you
been the bartender?

-You know, I'm not so
good with time and dates,

you know, ever
since my accident.

Got this metal plate in my head.

I told you about
my accident, right?

-This guy was about yea
tall, he had brown hair,

and he sold joins
from behind the bar.

-Oh, yeah.

You're talking about Mike.

Mike Cosim.

Oh yeah, man.

He sold joints
behind the bar, he

sold joints out of his
house, his apartment.

He sold them on the internet.

Crap, he put eBay
out of business.

-Hey, does he still work here?

-Well, you know, nah,
he's a big TV star now.

He hosts some show.

A popular show.

What's the name
of that damn show?

-"The Search for
Intelligent Life."

-Yeah, that's it.

That's one of my favorites.

-I don't believe it.

-Oh, yeah.

He's big time.

He's following all
the UFO sightings

for the last couple years.

about aliens and stuff.

-What UFO sightings?

-Where have you been
living, man, under a rock?

-I wish.

-That's one of the most
popular shows on TV.

Second most popular.

The first is that
transvestite Survivor.


That one gives me the creeps.

-Oh, god.

I need to us your men's room.

I'm not feeling very well.

My asscheek hurts.

-Yeah, you can go right ahead.

What the hell happened to you?

-This can't be happening to me.

When I was on the show,
it was on its last leg.

Well, Al Manac is back.

I'm going to bring those
ugly alien bastards down.

They've probed
their last reporter.



Look at me, Albert.

-Obey, human.



-What do you want?

-Albert, we can take you
back anytime we want.

-No, no, I'm not going back.
-Prepare the [INAUDIBLE]!

Energize the galactic probe!

-And you will listen and obey.

We have a mission for you.

What are you talking about?

What mission?

-The human race is very close
to proving our existence.

This would be bad for business.

We wish to stay hypothetical.

What are you afraid of?

Are you afraid we're going
to rise up against you

and you won't have
any more humans

to probe for your amusement?


Probing is great fun.

-I won't do anything for
you, you ugly alien bastard.

I'm going to bring you down.

-Human threatens us.

Energize the anal probe!

-Albert, you have
a tracking device

implanted in your asscheek.

We know where you
are at all times.

If you do not do what
we tell you to do,

we will bring you
back for more proving.

-No, please, no!

-Then you will
following instructions,

or I will probe you personally.

-Yes, now.

Please, now.


Come on.

Let me in there.

Gotta go.

-Do you understand
your first assignment?


I understand.


How'd it go?

Come on.

You've been in
there long enough.

What the hell happened to you?

-Hey, man.

How you doing?


-Hey, uh, don't I know you
from somewhere, there, buddy?

-No, I don't think so.

I've never been to prison.

-You're a pretty funny guy.

Name's Smiley.

-Yeah, Al.


-Nice to meet you.

-You know, I know I've
seen you somewhere before.

-Yeah, I get that a lot.

-It wasn't that show
"Transvestite Survivor,"

was it?


-Good, because I hate that show.



My audition was
a total disaster.

-Well, you know, I think
it's about time for me

to get out of here.

-Sit down.

I got it.

Al Manac!

Al Manac, the maniac!

Oh, my god, I don't
believe it, man.

You're great!

-Well, in that case, I'm him.

-You know, my buddies
and I used to watch

your show all the time.

All the time.

Never finished the
whole thing, though,

because I was drunk
as hell by 8 o'clock.


It was just to get a little
laugh in because we could--

who's that stupid ass
panty ass asswipe guy

with the goofy name?

-Well, thanks, I guess.

I'll take that as a compliment.

I know we just met
and all, but do you

think I could borrow some cash?
-Hell, no.



-What can I get
for you gentlemen?

-Hey, Barky.

You might not remember me, but
I'm the guy that comes in here

and robs your
place all the time.

-No kidding!


-It's me.

Look, just give me the cash.

-Hey, buddy.


-Why don't you join me?

-Can't you see what's going on?

-Don't shoot.

-Look, by the time I
get back to the car,

you won't even
know what happened.

-Aw, that's nothing new.


Don't shoot.

Come again.

-Take it easy, Al.

-Sure, sure.

See you next week.

-Hey, why don't you sit down?

I've got something to tell you.


First things first.

I know what it's like
to be a homeless bum.

I was a homeless bum
for years after the war.

Then I found this place.

Now I'm just an asshole.

You know what I discovered?

-What's that?

-Being an asshole's better.

I'm going to give
you some advice.

Try and be an asshole.

-Yeah, all right.

I'll try and be an asshole.


Can I borrow some money?

I've been away for a long time,
and, you know, I just got back,

and, um, I could
really use some cash.

Do you think you
could-- a little bit?

I could pay you back.

What do you think?

-Sure, I could do that.


-Oh, fuck yeah.

But first you gotta
do something for me.

-What's that?

-Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's fucking great.


Get your fingers in there.

Oh, that's it.

Work it.

Work it around.

Oh, you've got magic hands.

You've got magic hands.

G-- give me some of
them kung-fu chops.

Oh, yeah, yeah.


Harder, you fucking wimp.

Sing happy birthday to me.

Sing happy birthday to me.

-Come on, man.

-Sing it, sing it
you homeless bastard.

Sing it.

-(SINGING) Happy birthday to
you, happy birthday to you,

happy birthday you asshole.

-Oh, yeah.

-Happy birthday to you.

-Hey, I'm next.

Yo, over here.

Me, next.







You'll never guess what
just happened to me.

-Sweet Baby Jesus.

Can't you see I'm trying
to watch my story?

-I just met that
reporter, the one

who was abducted two
years ago on that show,

"The Search for
Intelligent Life"?

-Whatever, Randall, don't get
your bugger in a knot, boy.


-By the way, what
have you been eating?


-It's not normal, Randall.

How many times
have I got to tell

you, you gots to wipe your ass?

You're not listening, Mama.

-These drawers would
make a whore sick.

-The reporter from "The
Search for Intelligent Life,"

the one who was
abducted, he invited

me to take part in his TV show!

-Oh, Randall, you're not
taking part in nothing.

You're not doing
anything, either.

I have something
to take part in.

You can take part in
wiping your goddamn ass.

-Mom, you don't understand.

I'm going to be on TV.

And I'm going to be a
cameraman on his show.

-Oh, shit.

Don't you lie to me, boy.

-No, Mom.

I'm not lying.

-That you would lie
to your own mother.

-Mom, I'm not lying.

I'm really going
to be on this show.

I'm going to get this
book on TV production,

and I'm going to
learn all about it,

and they're going
to hire me, and then

I'm going to be a
cameraman, and then

I'm going to get
kidnapped by aliens,

and probed inside
and out, and you're

going to miss me when I'm gone.

-Oh, honey, you're
not going anywhere.

And you ain't doing
nothing, either.

And you want to know why?
Because you're worthless.

Honey, you ain't much more
than a stain yourself.

Nothing but a lousy stain.

One day I squatted,
and there you

were, stinking up everything.

And no matter how hard I try
to scrub you out of my life,

you just won't go away.

You're nothing but a lousy
stain, a blight on humanity,

you little jerk.

-I'll do it.

You'll see.

I'll do it.


-Woah, woah, woah.

Hold it, pal.

-They know me in there.

I'm Al Manac.

I used to be a reporter.

-Al Manac.

It's you.

-Oh, no.


Al Manac, it's me, Dick Skyward.

I can't believe it's you.

So, Al, we didn't ever think
we were going to see you again.

This is unprecedented.

Al Manac returns after a
two-year abduction to earth.

-Woah, woah, woah,
Dick, for a second.

First of all, I wasn't abducted.

I was just on an extended
vacation, that's all.

-Well, sure you were.
There were two witnesses.

-I don't want some
rumor going around

that I was abducted
by space aliens.

-Oh, no, they did
a mind wipe on you.

-A mind what?

-A mind wipe.

It's what the aliens do now.

They abduct some
poor guy or some gal

and do God knows what to them,
you know, bam, mind wipe.

-But I wasn't abducted.

-Mr. Herman.

Guess who's back?

-Well, fuck me.

-Max Herman.

-In the flesh, baby.

-So, it was a really
long vacation.

I mean, that's, pretty much it.

Really that's--
that's what happened.

-What do you mean,
you weren't abducted?

There were witnesses.

There was an investigation.

I went to your funeral.

-My funeral?

-Yeah, it was really nice.

-Listen, Max, it's not true.

I just quit.

I just quit my job.
That's all that happened.

I was not abducted.
-That's what you think.

You-- you were
obviously mind wiped.

-I was not mind wiped.

-How would you know?

-It's just not true, Max.

It's just not true.

-Let's just say for discussion's
sake that you're right.

I don't care.

Our ratings went up like my
pulse rate at a live porn show,

and it's all due to
your disappearance.


You should have seen it, Al.

We played it beautifully.

Dedicated reporter, cut down
in the prime of his career.

A victim of his own
determined investigations.

You're a hero, buddy.

Let me get this straight.

I work here, I can't
get an ounce of respect.


-I disappear and I'm a hero?

-Big hero.

Not just with us
in the studio here,

but you're famous
all over the world.

-This is a nightmare.

-Since you've been
gone, the whole world

is taking notice of
these alien scumbags.

Reports are coming in
from all over the world.

People are getting
abducted at a record pace.

-I've got to go to the bathroom.

-What, do you want
me to write you

a hall pass to the
little boys' room?

-It's not going to work.

I'm too high-profile
to start changing

sides on this issue
all of a sudden.

-Albert, you must
complete the mission.


I'll be an even bigger
celebrity if I rejoin the show.

-You must.

Remember, you have two choices.

Be our inside guy, or
be probed inside out.


Jesus, guys, Give me a break.

-That's just what
we're going to do.

We're going to put
you back in the show.

You're going to
make me a rich man.

What do you say, Al?

-All right.

I'll do it.

-That's great to hear, Al.

-So, if you're running
the show, who's the host?


Hey, I want to
introduce you to Al--

-Al fucking Manac!

Is that really you?

-It's me.

-Damn, dog, you're looking good.

-Al's coming back
to work with us.

-No shit.

That's fucking awesome.


I got to go tape a promo.

Give me one minute
and, uh, we'll go

smoke a gigantic joint.

-Keep an eye on him, Al.

He'll never quite
be as good as I was,

but he's got a lot of charisma.

And he grows some
great marijuana.

I'm telling you, I ate a
porkchop with hot fudge.

I had the munchies so bad.

-Woah, hold on a second.

You're the producer, Mike's
the host, who's got my job?

-That would be me.

I thought they were pulling
my leg around the office.

The incredible Al
Manac has returned.

But here you are.

Nice suit.

-Al, this is Ernest Hack.

-Yeah, nice to meet you, Hack.


You know, your story is going
to make a great segment.

-Yeah, thanks for
keeping my seat warm.

-Ready, Mike?

-You know it, Bro.

I'm Mikero Cosim.

This Friday on "The Search
for Intelligent Life,"

we bring you a tale of
terror so terrifying

you won't want to go outside.

Plus, we welcome back an
associate that was held captive

by extraterrestrials
for two years.

That's right, folks.

Al Manac is back.

-Hello, this is Al Manac.

I'm here with Herb Stone,
who was supposedly abducted

by space aliens or some
nonsense like that.

So go ahead and
tell us your story.


Oh, right.

My story, yeah.


Well, I was like, woah.


Trippy tie, man.

I can't concentrate with that.

-Oh, I thought something might
be breaking your concentration.

-So yeah, anyways, um,
my girlfriend and I,

we were out in
the woods camping,

and-- You can't do
that with the tie.

You've got to stop, dude.

It's totally tripping me out.

-Are you OK?

Are you hallucinating
or something?



No, bro.

Anyways, bro, we were
out in the woods camping

and I thought we were
going to break up.

All of a sudden, Al, out
in this field there's

this, like, bright
light, you know?

And then all of a sudden BOOSH!

Zap, we're up on this ship.


-That's then the
probing started.

It was like, oh.

First it was the blade probe.

Then it was the hot wax probe.

And then it was the inverted,
rotating, radar probe.


It was all really intense.

-I'm sure it was.

-You know, it was kind
of a bonding experience.

We're still together.

-It's a lovely story.

Personally, I don't
believe a word of it.

I think it's just
some marijuana-induced


What do you think of that?

-Oh, yeah, totally, bro.

We're doing here, Mac.

We're done.

-Woah, woah, woah.

Wait, dude.


-I love the show, man.

I love the show.

It's like the
greatest thing ever.

It's like, Al Manac, "Search
for Intelligent Life," bro.


Al Manac.

Intelligent life, haha.


-Oh, hi, buddy.

-Oh, hi.

-It's me, Randy Bottom.

Remember, from the park?

-What are you doing here, Randy?

-You said to come by and
see you again, so here I am.

I read this book on production.

I'm going to be a cameraman,
even though I know

they might take me
up and, you know--

-Good luck with that.


I'll see you again soon!

-Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is Al Manac.

I'm here with Hans
Hinternstab who

claims to have been
abducted by aliens.

So, level with me, Hans.

You're manic depressive,
and this is just

another grab for
attention, isn't it?

-What are you going to do?
Just insult me here?


-Can I tell my story?


-Everyone knows
that most people get

mind wiped when
they're up there.

They have no memory of
the-- while the aliens are--

and they're sticking
things and it--

zzz-- You've been up there, too?


-No, I can tell.

You've been up there, too.

-No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

-I can tell.

Just because you
can't remember doesn't

mean that you weren't up there.

The mind wipe can take
away a lot of things,

but it doesn't
take away the zzzz.

-You were saying how
people can't remember,

but obviously you
can remember, right?


The last time I was up there,
I was-- I was on the table

and, these guys were--
they were all around me.

And then they took
this-- and they put it

in my-- and-- and
then the zzz---

-Just stop making that noise.

-Sorry, I forgot you
were there and they

were sticking
things in your ahem.

-Look, Hansy, you said
you'd have irrefutable proof

of your alien abduction,
but I've seen nothing.

There is no proof.

So, ladies and
gentleman, by the way,

we just chalked this one
up as just other nut job.


-What the hell is that?

I asked you not to--

-It's horrible, isn't it?

It's like a dentist's drill,
just a million times worse.

-Where is that coming from?

-The last time I was up there,
there was this huge explosion.

And I got off that table
as fast as I could.

I ran down a hallway,
got into the transporter

as fast as I could, and
I bolted from there.

But I didn't go empty-handed.

Or, perhaps I
should say, empty--

-What proof?

You're-- you're a liar.

You're insane.


-You're an insane liar.

-You want me to
show you the proof?

I'll show you the
proof right now.

I don't just hear
the zzz from memory.

I hear it because
it's still in my ass.

-Dear god, Jesus.

The damn thing's still active,
and it's still proving.

Touch it.

Go ahead, feel it.

Touch it.

Look at that.

It's like no other metal
you've ever felt before.



I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.

You're a sick guy.

Get out of here.

You're out of here.

You're sick.


Thanks for coming.

-Good afternoon.

This is Harris Crep,
Worldview News.

WFUK, channel 69.

Standing here outside the
"Search for Intelligent Life"


We're here waiting
for the confirmation

of the blockbuster rumor
that Al Manac has returned

after two years'
abduction by aliens.

Well, I see somebody here.

Ah, hello, hello.

Ah, do you work for the show?

-Oh, no, I um-- yes.

Yes, I do work for the show.

I'm a cameraman, see?

You see, I got this book here.

-Have you seen Al Manac?

Has he really returned?

Oh, yes.

In fact, I'm the first
person he called.

We're very close friends, he
and I. Very close friends.

-Has he spoken to you
about all the details

of the abduction ordeal?

-Oh, yes.

In great detail.

It really made me think
twice about continuing on

with the show.

But I figured, if
Al was brave enough

to come back to the show
that got him abducted

in the first place, then
what have I got to lose?

In fact, I have a message for
the aliens that abducted Al.

I dare you to abduct me.

I dare you.

-Hello, I'm Ernest
Hack, and I'm here today

with Bo Foster of
Foster's Pickle Farms.

-So, Al, tell me--

-Woah, woah, woah.


It's not Al.

It's Ernest.

The good-looking one.

Al's not showing up.

I'm here.

I'm doing the interview.

Let's, uh, get back
to the subject.

You claim that the
aliens were performing

some sort of experiment
on your pickles?

-Yep, that's right.

-Why didn't they perform
these experiments

on your cow or some damn thing?

-Don't have cow, Al.

-I'm not Al.

-This is a pickle farm.

You want a pickle?

-No, no, no, no.

I don't know where
that thing's been.

-Well, the aliens, they've
been flying overhead.

They've been landing
in my Dad's backyard.

I reckon they either done
something on purpose,

or-- or the radiation in
them gadgets done this.

Check him out.


That's one hell of a
pickle, there, ah, Bo.

-This here's the first ripe one.

I got another 20 like him
back there in the fields.

The only problem is, the
skin's a little tough.


-I've got a little Vaseline here
to kind of soften up the hide.

-W-- Why-- What are-- what
are you dong with that?

-Like to rub it
in nice and good.

-Man, that's just wrong.

-Want to take a little
try on this, here, Al?

Here, take a dip.


No, thank you, no.

Thank you, no.

I'd rather talk
about the aliens.

-Get some of that
stuff on there.

How are you going
to sell that thing

with your teeth marks in there?

-Want to take a bite?

-No, I don't want
to take a bite, Bo.

-This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity here, Al.

-Yeah, I got a
feeling that's been

more than once in your lifetime.

-Hold on there, Al.

Hold on.
-Leave the pickle alone.

Put it down.
You said you've got 20 of them?

-Put a little more
Vaseline on there.

-He's got a smile on his face.

-Get it all over,
down on that shaft.


-Now don't you go anywhere.

-I'm out of here.

-Hey, come on back here, Al.

-It's Ernest, cupcake.

-Come take a bite of my pickle.

Take a bite of my pickle.


Where are you going?

-I'm just going out for a walk.

-Oh, that I ever kissed
that lying hole of yours.

Your nose should be in the
next state, you lying--

-I'm not lying, Mama, I'm
just going for a walk.

I'm going right now.



It's not safe out there with
all those filthy germs--

-There's one.

-Take him.

-Ooh, look at that one.


-I saw him first.

-You're so stingy.

-Oh, look.

A human woman.

A female.

-Prepare the stereo probe.

-You mean, you're going to
probe her in her ass and her--


I am.

Pay attention.
You almost missed one.

-Oh, boy oh boy.

He's going to get it now.

Prepare the--



-Wait why?

-There's something
about this one.

Something not right.

-Oh, you've been sniffing
too much cow vapor.

What are you talking about?

Prepare the--


I'm serious.

Zoom in closer.


Whatever you say.


You've got to be kidding me.


-I feel strange.


Well, should I?

-No, no.

Let him be.

Let him be.

I'm-- I'm going straight
to sleep cycling.

-But you can't do that.

You're scheduled
for 12 probings.

-Cancel them all.

And schedule me for a mind
wipe while you're at it.

-But we don't do
that to our own.

-Look, do you want
to have that image

in your head for the
rest of your life?



There's an opening at 0600
and I can follow at 0715.

-See to it.


Come here.

Hey, dude, you've got
a pipe in your ass.

-It's not a pipe.

It's an alien probe.


It's like nothing
you've ever felt before.

Go ahead, touch it.

It's a genuine alien probe.

Come on, touch it.

Touch it, man.

Go ahead, see it, man.

You smartass.

-Hello, this is Al Manac.

I'm here with
Grammy-nominated Ilya

from the band Bering Strait.

Why don't you tell us
your story about being

abducted by space aliens?


-OK, so I saw aliens, all right?

I saw aliens.

I mean, they tell you about
this anal probing bullshit?

Ain't about that, man.

They ain't got no anus, man.

You know?

What the deal is,
they're searching.

They're trying to find
where the anus is.

And the aliens that I met?

It's in the naval.

The naval is where the anus is.

-I was abducted by aliens.


And they didn't stick
any probes in me,

or, you know, hurt
me or anything.

-Yeah, I can see that.

-They try to capture
people down here

to really see where the anus is.

Now, I know for a fact
that it's in their naval,

is where the anus is.

-I don't think anybody else
in the band remembers this,

but we did some-- we did a
few really sold-out shows

on other planets,
in other galaxies.

-I love aliens.

-Now, you don't have
to believe that.

I don't really give a
shit what you believe.

I'm telling you what I saw,
and not what I touched,

understand that now.

Let's get that quite clear.

Just understand that.

-What I saw, all right?

Now, that's it.

-Are you heavily medicated?

I'm just--

-Ah, you want to know why
they call me the Hammer?

Would you like for
me to demonstrate

to you why they
call me the Hammer?

-I think we've got enough.
Thank you very much.

-My pleasure.

-Good afternoon.

This is Harris Crap
with Worldview News.

WFUK, Channel 69.

I'm standing here talking
with Brian Johnson,

million-dollar winner of
"Transvestite Survivor."

So, Brian, how does it feel?

-That's kind of a
stupid question.

I just won a million dollars.

How do you think I feel?

-Has it soured you that your
show has slipped to number two

in the wake of Al
Manac's return?

-No, I really don't care
that the show is number two.

I won my million, and
that's all I care about.

-Hi, I'm Al Manac.

I'm here today with
Butterfly and Stool.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm Stool.

-So, Butterfly, why did
you drag me out here

on this beautiful
Saturday afternoon?

-Well, you see, a few days ago--
-So you'd have been in school.

Do you feel that the educational
system is preparing you

for an equal opportunity future?

-A few days ago, Stool and I
was out back looking for Pa.

-Looking for Pa.

-And there was this
big, bright light.

-A bright, bright light.

-It was a saucer.

-Flying saucer.

-And it just hovered there.

And the strangest little
critter you ever done see

was wobbling about there yonder.

-And what, you fed him
some Reese's Pieces?

You sat around, had a group
hug, took some snapshots?

Made him phone home?

You know, tell your father I
don't appreciate being dragged

out here in the middle
of the afternoon

for some teenage prank.

-No, but--

-Next time he decides to call
me, I'm not coming out here.

-We have it.


-The alien.

We captured it.

It's in our shed.



Um, I'm going to
go check it out.

Oh, my god.

What is that?
What the hell is that?

-We call him Cowpie,
because he looks like a--

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He looks like a--


What makes you
think it was a he?

What the hell just
happened here?

He likes you.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, he likes you.

-Aw, isn't that sweet.

Well, we can't film
in here right now.

We've got to get release forms.

Yes, that's it.

Let's go.

Come on, let's get
some release forms.

There you go.
Out you go.


Take these guys out to find
their Pa and get release forms,

would you?


Crap, shit, fuck.

How, how, how, how, how?

Oh, I'm getting back to
you very soon, Cowpie.






Where are you, Pa?


-Where are you, Pa?

Pa, where are you?

-Oh, this'll work just fine.

Oh, this is going to
hurt you a lot more

than it's going to
hurt me, Cowpie.

And you know what?

I'm fine with that.


Where are you, Pa?




Alien payback.

Bitches should have stayed up
in the sky where you belong.

Ah, I'm enjoying this, Cowpie.


I found Pa!

Pa, wake up, Pa.

Wake up, Pa.

Wake up.


My little Butterfly.

Who are you?

You touch my girl?

-Pa, we need your
signature to be on TV.

Me and Stool going
to be TB stars.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

TV stars.

-Sir, if you could
just sign this?

-Touch my little
girl, and you're

going to have to marry her.

-Pa, sign the
release form, please?


Let's see here.

Sorry about that.


There you go.

-Oh, thanks Pa.

I love you.


Get your ass over here.


I'm sorry.

I can give you a few more
minutes alone, if you want.


All ready.

Mack, you ready?

You set up?


All right.

Kids, come on in here.

Kids, come on in here.
All right.

All right.

We're going in three, two-- Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Al Manac.

This could be one
of the most exciting

stories in the
history of mankind.

These guys here with me
are Butterfly and Stool,

and they claim to have
captured a life alien.

Not just a photograph,
not just some resemblance,

but a live alien.

So, without further
ado, I give you Cowpie.

So, Butterfly, tell me.

How did this alien
come into your care?

-Well, um, you see, it
was a few days ago, and--

-Wait a minute.

Hold on a second.


I couldn't see this
before in the dark, but--




-There's wires here!

-What'd you do?

-And a needle.

Why is there a needle?

-What did you do?

Oh, my god.

What did you do to Cowpie?


Oh, Cowpie.

Oh, you bastard.

-I'm so sorry,
ladies and gentlemen.

Mack, just cut it.

Hello, viewers.

This is Al Manac.

I'm here in West Virginia at
the Black Crack Forest Preserve

with Ruth and Bill
Kramer, who have

an interesting story to tell us.

-My husband Bill and
I, we were out hiking

like we do most weekends.

-Then this huge shadow
fell over the entire area.

This was an alien spacecraft.

About the size of
our mobile home.


-What do you mean, no?

-Why would an alien spacecraft
look like a mobile home?

That's the most anti-aerodynamic
shape imaginable.

-I said it was the
size of my mobile home,

I didn't say it looked
like my mobile home.

-You did.

You said it looked
like a mobile home.

-No, he didn't.

-Technology in a mobile home
really isn't that impressive.

-It wasn't a mobile home.

-It was a mobile home.

-Well, what do you think?

-Well, you look taller on TV.

-Well, Al, they're not
exactly the type of segments

we would open a show with.

-They're good.

-Uh, yeah, very good.

Although I think the fact
that you're basically calling

these people liars
could work against us.

-Al, our job here is
to take small facts

and embellish the
hell out of them.

-I remember.

-Yes, but you've
taken small facts

and crushed them
with your boot heel.

-I don't wear boots.

-It's a figure of speech, Al.

-You know, maybe the problem
is that these stories,

they don't have enough bite.

You know, enough substance
to sink your teeth into.

-Could be.

-Hey, yo.

Why don't we bring Al in
on the McKenna interview.

All right?

That's the best piece of
evidence we had in six months.

-You don't mind
sharing, do you, Ernest?

-Oh, no.

Not at all.

I don't mind giving Old Boy
some of my table scraps.

-Picture this.

We open the show
with this message.

Al Manac.

He got beamed up, he got
mixed up, he showed back up,

so stand up, shut
up, and look up,

because those aliens are
about to get fucked up.

Something like that.

-You can't say that
on network television.

-What, telling the
audience to shut up?

Too harsh?

Maybe you're right.


I wish we were on Showtime.


I got faith in you, bro.


Randall, what are
you doing in there?


What the hell is going on?


This is your mother.

I know what you're
up to in there.

Downloading internet porn.

You know, the police
can trace that stuff.

I won't have them
at my doorstep.

Young man, you get out here
and explain yourself right now.

You disgusting,
perverted little boy.

-Do you believe in
love at first sight?


-Do you believe in
destined soulmates?

-I believe in mating.



-It's not what you think!

I'm the victim, here!

-Mr. Porta?

-No, sorry, you

-Mr. Porta, I was just
reading your book, and I was--

-Go way.

Not interested.

-No, but please,
Mr. Porta, I just

want to ask you a
couple of questions.

Mr. Porta, please, I won't
take up much of your time.

-What are you-- get out of here!

Son, get out of here, does
not mean, please come in

and have a seat.

-But Mr. Porta,
please, I just want

to ask you a few questions.


Call me Rex.


OK, Mr. Rex.

Well, I was just-- Well,
I was reading, and--

-Spit it out, son.

It's your nickel.

-Well, I read this
book you wrote.

-I assumed that.

-Well, and I was wondering.

Are there any spots
that you left out?

-Well, I mean, I'm really
frightened of being abducted,

and I'm terrified at
the thought of them

and their-- their
instruments in my-- you know.

-Yes, I do know.

6,969 times I know.

That's how many times they--
oh, god, the little gray fucks.

-Have you been-- did
they get to you, too?


I've been trying
to-- well, I mean,

I've been trying to
not get abducted.

Well, after I read your book,
I got really, really scared

because, you know, I pass
through a lot of the places

that you list in your
book, and-- and I

know it's only a matter
of time, but-- but I

was wondering if there was any
nasty places, like really nasty

places, that-- that was a
surefire way to get abducted

that maybe you
forgot to mention.

Because I want to avoid it.

I mean, I'd be petrified.

I mean, that would be the worst.



There's not really
a place like that.

Of course, an abduction
could really happen anywhere.

I just listed the spots they
gather from most frequently.

-Could I be in danger
just by being here?

Are they watching us right now?

-No, you're fine.

It's been five years since
they last abducted me.


Well, that's great.

-You know, I don't believe you.

You-- you want it, don't you.

I mean, you actually want
to have them abduct you

and-- and have them put
their-- in your-- Why, man?


-No, I don't, honest.

I'm scared of that.

I mean, terrified.


-No, I'm not sure I believe you.


I swear on my mother's soul.



I believe you.

No need for that.

-How have you avoided
them for five years?

You must have some special
technique or method or way.

-Oh, it's special, all right.

After the last time
I was abducted,

after the 6,969th time
I was abducted, one day,

this guy shows up on my porch.

You know, black
glasses, black suit.

You know.

You know the type.

And he-- he gave me this.

You know what this is?

This is a secret
government device

that helps to track
the alien scanners.

You know, the government--
our government--

knows about the abductions.

Oh, yeah.

They know all about them.

They don't stop them,
though, because they just

like to get all the
technology that they can

pilfer from those
little gray fucks.

But one man.

One man cared.

One man saw my pain
and said, enough.

And he gave me this.

And with this device,
I've been able to stay

one step ahead of
the alien scanners.

One step ahead for
the last five years.

-Say, you don't
think that I could

borrow that for
one night, could I?

-Oh, oh no, no.

No, you-- you can't have this.

How-- how could
you even ask that,

knowing what I've been through?
-Just for one night.




-Pretty please.


-Pretty please
with sugar on top?

-No, no, no.

-I need it.

I really, really, need it.


-It's just for one night.

-I was right about you.

You sick freak.

Why, man?

Why would you want
them to do that to you?

Do you have any idea what
it's like to get probed?

Don't worry about 6,000 times.

The first time-- 6,000
times just makes it ugly.

They got pointy things on the,.

Little sharp things on them.

Things that cut you up on the
inside like you can't imagine.

And when they're done with
you, they send you back.

They give you a
little time to heal

and then they grab you again.

They give you just
enough time to stop

the bleeding every
time you fart.

It gouges.

It cuts.

It tears.

Not only at your ass,
it tears at your soul.

I take it back.

You're not a sick fuck.

You're an insane bastard.



-You found your way in.

You can find your
own fucking way out.


No, no, I really
can't talk right now.

No, I don't know.

I haven't seen him in days.

The last time I knew, he
was keeping his head down.

Trying to avoid them.

You know, like I am.

Keeping an eye on his scanner
and keeping a low profile.

No, I can-- I can put out
some calls on the network

and see what I can find.




-This way.

-Max, what kind of dump
are you bringing me to?

It looks like a laboratory
for rats or something.

-You get lonely in that box?

-It's not the best
time of my life,

I can tell you that right now.
-Sassy Lou, what happened there?

-That's Joseph McKenna.

-He's the victim of a
botched abduction attempt.

Seems that when the aliens
were trying to beam him up,

they, uh, they must have had
some kind of malfunction.

He's been like that
for over six months.

-Oh, Max.

We're all set to go, so if you
two could stand over there,

we're ready to shoot.

-Actually, I was thinking Al
could take a crack at this.

-You're Al Manac?

I-- I thought you were abducted.

-No, that was just a rumor--

-But the television said--

-He was mind wiped.

Isn't it sad?

-Those dirty freaks.

-So, Al here knows
what it's like to be

at the mercy of these
heartless creatures.

You two could have a, uh,
a moment of shared pain.

Ratings gold.

-You ready?

-Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is Al Manac.

I'm here with Joseph McKenna,
who has an amazing story.

So, Mr. McKenna, tell
us what happened.

-There isn't really
much to tell.

I had just seen a movie.

I was coming out of the theater.

-And which theater was that?

-Oh, the Deluxe 30.

-Do you feel that the more
screens a theater installs,

the less personal service
the customer gets?

-Well, I guess.

-Al, I think we've established
what was important.

He was coming out
of the theater.

He was in a public place.

-That's true.

So, were there any witnesses?

If there were, I wouldn't know.

I materialized a few seconds
later in a nearby field

and immediately started
losing cohesion.

I found my way to a phone and
called the police, who then

contacted the military, who
put me here in this facility.

The only thing that's keeping
me from total disintegration

is this machine.

-So, Mr. McKenna, what movie
did you see that night?


Al, what does that have
to do with anything?

-That's OK.

I haven't had a decent
conversation in months.

I saw-- oh, what was
the name of that movie?

-Who was in it?

-Who the hell cares?

-Uma Thurman was in it.

-Did she really become a
big star while I was gone?

-Oh, yeah, she's great.

I'd like to see her do
more romantic stuff.

-Oh, sort of like a romantic
comedy kind of thing?

-Ah, if it's done
right, you know.

-Oh, they're usually
pretty forgettable.

-Yeah, they're not
very realistic.

-What the fuck is going on here?

This-- this interview?

It's not about this
guy's movie preferences.

This is about hardcore
investigative journalism.

This is about the biggest
story we have ever

done in the history of the show.

-Well, it could also
be a personality piece.

-Shut up, Al.

We need the facts, OK?

The facts.

The fucking facts.

All right?

We can blow this alien
conspiracy wide open.

And I, I, can be
on my yacht, rich.

So let's try this
again, shall we?

-I've got to go to the bathroom.


-Yeah, I'll be right back.

-Well, we're not
waiting for you.


Step in here, Ernest.

Sure, boss.


-Let's show them
how it's done, huh?

-How do we look?

Square here?

All good?

All set?

So, ah, Mr. McKenna, speaking
of going to the bathroom,

how do you take care of
business in that thing?

What do you do?

-Actually, I'm--
I'm going right now.

-That's my boy.

That's the way it's done, huh?

-Thanks, boss.


-Yes, Albert?

-We're in trouble.

-How is that?

-They've got the goods.

Something on your end
screwed up a teleportation,

and now they have indisputable
proof that you exist.

Albert, you must
invalidate this proof.

That is a condition
of your parole.

-He's right out there.

-That is not our concern.

-Not your-- how?

How can you say that?

How can you just expect me to
invalidate evidence like this?

-You will find a way.


Or what?

-Let me share with you our
new promotional video stream

of our new line of super probes.

-Oh, my god.

-You will find a way, Albert.

Otherwise, welcome back.

-I'll find a way.

-No, it doesn't hurt a lot.

It's-- it's kind of, I
don't know, kind of tingly.

-Sort of like a first date, huh?

-Mr. McKenna?

Let us help you.

Let us bring in a group
of independent scientists

to verify what you've told us.

That way, you can
help us bring down

the alien scum that
did this to you.

-Maybe you're right.


You are a brave
man, Mr. McKenna.

-I can't do much, but-- maybe
I can still make a difference.

-This show will be
behind you 100%.

-I'm just glad I'm still alive.

-What just happened?

What is going-- Hello?

The reception's bad.

Mr. McKenna?


Anybody in there?

What the fuck happened?

-I don't know, I don't know.

He was-- he was just in
there, and he's gone now.

-Damn it!

Damn it!

-All right.

I'm ready.

Let's do this thing.

-We can't do anything.

Mr. McKenna?



-Oh, this is unbelievable.

-I wonder how that
could have happened.

-Yeah, you know, I wonder.

How did that happen?

-Damn it, damn it, damn it!


-Hey, can I get some service?

I know what I want.

I want the biggest sandwich
you can make me, pronto.

-OK, there's your
sandwich, pronto.

-Oh, no.


How you doing?




No, Chris, I need jelly beans.
You're a good man, Chris.

And you know what?

I hear the sandwiches are good.

Hey, guy.

Don't panic.

Just give me the, ah--
Hey, I'm talking to you.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, it's my buddy.

It's my pal!

It's Al Manac the maniac!


I just want to tell
you something, buddy.

You're back, man.

I've been watching you.

You're back on top.

You know, I tell
all my friends, I

said I know that
pussy ass, wuss,

dog-breath, farthead,
douchebag buddy of mine.

He's my buddy.

-Yeah, nice to see you, too.

-Hey, look.

Ah, I'd like to stay around
and catch up with you,

but I'm kind of in a hurry,
if you know what I mean?

-I thought we were friends.

-But we are friends.

That's what friends are for.

And you know what?

That's what you're my friend.

And you know what?

I'm going to thank you kindly--

-Why aren't you robbing him?

-You can't tell that's a cop?

What the hell's the
matter with you?

I ain't going to do
anything with him.

-Why aren't you arresting him?


-I'm off duty.

-You know, there
is one more thing.

Greed is good, but
so is the stomach.

And if you don't mind.

You ought to try one of these.

They're really good.

And you know what, Al?

Good luck with you
and your career.

I'll be seeing you.

Thanks a lot, buddy.

-Fucking typical.

-Wow, where did
you get that thing?

-It's not a pipe.

It's an alien probe.


A genuine alien anal
exploration device?

-Yeah, I-- I'm not lying.

It's like nothing
you've ever seen before.

You should go
ahead and touch it.

It's like nothing
you've ever felt before.


You're right.

I-- I've never felt
anything like that before.

-You believe me, then?


The texture is
out of this world.

-See, I told you so.

It's about time
somebody believed me.

-Holy crap.

It's still active.

-Don't I know it.

It seems like the
damn Energizer Bunny.

It keeps going, and going.

-You don't want it?


Hell, no.

And you can let go
now, by the way.

-Well, I can help you out.

If you don't want
it, I'd be glad to--


If I could have got
that thing out of me,

I would have done so weeks ago.

But the damn thing's still
got its tendrils all up in me,

-Well, I've got some
scissors in the car.

I'd be happy to
get them for you.



Come on.

-Can I touch it again?


I'm done.



-Just one more time.

-I don't think I believe you.

That's really a pipe, isn't it?

-Yeah, nice try.

It's not going to work.
-Oh, come on.

Let me touch it.
-It's not going to work.

Let me touch it.
-It's not going to work.
-It's not going to work.
-One more time.

-It's not going to work.
-One more time.

-Come on, please?

-Come on, no.

-Still nothing?



Wait, finally!

There's one we can-- Oh!

-Oh, god.

Mind wipe failure!

-Oh, not him again.

Move the ship to Quadrant 69.

Well, that settles that.

The chances of running across
that disgusting, disturbed

human again are
astronomically large.

A googolplex or some such.

So, tell me.

What do you see?

What new victim shall
we plunder asunder?

-I've got one!

I've got-- It can't be.

-I'm losing my appetite.

Sleep period.

-Oh, don't give up,
Captain, don't--


-I'm awfully tired.

-You know, I should be
doing this interview.

I've paid my dues.

-Trust me, Ernest,
you don't want

to be anywhere near this one.

-This could be a
historical moment.

-Yeah, looks like my luck is
finally rubbing off on the show


-Th-- that's ridiculous.

-Yeah, we'll see.

-Senator Hardly, I just
wanted to express once

more my admiration for you, sir.

And I think it's so important
that someone in the government

is taking a stand
against these creatures.

-This great country of ours
deserves a fighting chance.

If the aliens invade,
and we all die tomorrow,

I just want to go on
record as being against it.

-A bold, bold stance, Senator.

And quite a scoop for
our show, as well.

-Do not touch the senator.

-It's OK, boys.

Stand down.

-Yes, sir.

-I, ah, I didn't know.

-My security force and I are a
little touchy since I've taken

this opportunity to
announce my plans

to run for the presidency.

-Wow, that's another huge
scoop for our show as well.

-Let me clarify.

We're not touchy,
we're concerned.

We have, in fact, never
touched each other

in a way that might be
construed as appropriate.

-I see.

-You can't be too careful
with today's sound-bite media.

-That's true.

Let me introduce you to Christy.

All right.

Oh, Christy.

This is Senator--


-Ah, Christine.

-Sherman, what are
you doing here?

-I'm here to say whatever
helps me get votes.

-You two know each other?

-Yeah, Sherman used to own
a club that I stripped in.


-I deny that allegation.

-Ah, have a seat over here.

We'll get you set up.

That'll be your
seat, right here.


What are you doing?


-Call off your boys, Senator.

-What have you gotten us into?

-It's all right.

It's all right.

Listen, we'll use the boom, OK?


Just bring it in.

There you go.

Just bring it down
a little closer.


I've been hit!

-Cover the senator!


-I didn't say
anything to your wife.

-No, it's all right--

-That's it.
We're leaving.

-We'll just re-ass your chair.

It's fine.


-No scoop for you.

-Oh, come on.

Come on.

Let's not leave mad.

Folks, come on-- people.


-No, wait!

One more!



You can't take just one!

-So you claim to
have seen spaceships?

-Not seen, am seeing.

-Weather balloons.

Oh, my god, and check this out.


-Kentucky Bluegrass.

This is amazing stuff.

Oh, my god.

And furthermore, look
at these $2,000 shoes.

They're something else.

You don't know what I had to go
through to get these puppies.

Nice, huh?

-May I help you?

-Oh, yes.

I'd like to apply for
a job on your show,

which I just love, by the way.

I'd like to be a cameraman,
even though I know there's

a slight risk of
being, you know.


So you have a lot of
experience being the camera?

-Oh, well, no.

But I have read this book,
and I'm very enthusiastic.


Well, why don't you leave
your resume, go home,

and I'll call you as soon
as we have an opening.

How about that, huh?

-Oh, great.


Oh, thanks a lot.

You won't regret it.

I'm just going to
go home, and I'm

going to wait
right by the phone.


-All right.

That's great.

-Yeah, there was
a spaceship and it

crashed over there
in that field.

I went over to the crash site.

There was a lot of debris, and
that's where I found this gun.

I tell you what, hunting's
never been the same.

And my neighbor, he hasn't
given me crap anymore, man.

-What, do think that
that's an alien ray gun?

It's simply a cheapass toy, man.

Look at it.
-Hey, be careful with that--

-Mmm, yeah I know.

Do you believe it?

That cheating son of a bitch.

I heard he was a Mexican
and gave him crabs.

-Mom, please, hang up!

-Randall, please.

Your mother is on the
phone with Aunt Petunia.

-Max Harmon's going to
call, I'm going to--

-I'm sorry, Tuney,
I don't know what

gets into that son of mine.


To think that once in a
spasm of motherly generosity

that I fed you from these
very breasts of my own!

You unholy terror!

You know what's coming now!

-No, please, Mom, you have
to stay off the phone.

I'm going to get a call and I'm
going to be a big TV reporter,

and I'm going to get
abducted just like Al Manac.

-No one's going to call you.

No one's coming here.

Get your behind
over here right now.


You can't make me.

-No, Randy, Randall--
oh oh, my heart!


The doctor said you
would do it, and now

you've gone and done it.


-You've killed your mother.

Oh, my heart.



Are you OK?

Mama, are you all right?

Please, Mama!


-No, Mama, look at the phone.

No, please!

-Hello, Petu--

-Barb, what's happening?

Oh my god, I was so scared.

-"Search for Intelligent Life"?

Mr. Randall Bottom?

I'm sorry, he's
not here right now.

-I'm right here!

-He said he'd never work on
a cut-rate show like yours.

No, not Mr. Showbusinesses.

He's upstairs right
now shaving his legs

and dolling up pretty
to be an audition

for "Transvestite
Survivor" right now.

-Mama, no.

-You don't call us.

We'll call you.

-No, please, Mama, no.


I'm receiving a code alpha.

-Detatched probe?

That one has something
that belongs to us.

-You think we should make
an example out of him?



Give him the
ultra-mega-super treatment.


You think we should go that far?

The ultra-mega-super treatment?


I despise escapees.

They vex me.

-Oh, boy, oh, boy.


-Sir, you're never going
to believe this one.

-Another butt plug?

Do they think this will stop us?

Will they never learn?

-Oh, he's about to learn, sir.

He's going to
learn the hard way.

-Prepare special treatment.

Butt plug.

-No, no, no!

-Well, well, well.

Look who we have here.

-I miss him.

He's my favorite.

Prepare the super--


We've had him 6,969
times, you know.

There's just something
magical about that number.

I'm almost tempted
to leave him alone.


Prepare the anal probe.

-They say you can never go
home, but they're wrong.

-We just chalked this one
up as just another nut job.

-Cut it right there.
-I don't like it right there.

-No, it's fine.

It looks good right there.
-The audio keeps jumping in.

There's no exit point.

-Just do it, OK?

Thank you.

Just-- just cut it.

-All right.

What have we got going here?

-Get that piece done?
Yeah, it's coming along great.

-Can I take a look at it?

-No, I've got to go over
some location permits.

Let me talk to you in your
office for a second here.

-All right.

You know what?

I'm going to go get some coffee.

Why don't you go
ahead to the office?

-Well, actually--

-Do you want to come?

-Sure, I'll just--

-Oh, hey, hey,
I'll tell you what.

I'll get it for you.

You go ahead, OK?

There you go.

What do you take,
a couple creams?


This asshole.

-Hey, Duke.

Keep that ending in there.

Every second of it.

Love you, babe.

Don't go changing.

-Where's my coffee?

-Fuck your coffee.

-Where did you just go?

You went back and changed
the piece, didn't you?

You can't change the piece.

I debugged the guy.

It's a total fake.

-You've been doing a lot of that
debunking lately, haven't you?

-Well, uh--

-What the fuck is
wrong with you?

Look, I never really liked
you in the first place,

but at least I knew we
were on the same page.

Now, I'm not even sure
we're on the same planet.

I'm not even sure
you are really you.

It's like Al has been
replaced by a Bizarro Al.

I almost hope that you
are some alien duplicate,

because if you're all that's
left of the Al I used to know,

that would make you
even more pitiful

than you were in
the first place.

-Look, I'm just trying
to reach through the--






Bottom line?

Shape up, or ship out.

-Yeah, but you--





Are you in there?

Are you in there?



-We hear you, Albert.

We always hear you,
and we always see you.

And we're not happy
with what we've seen.

Not happy at all.

-We should take him now.

-Woah, woah, woah.

It's not my fault.

It's not my fault.

Things just ain't working out.

I mean, there's no way
to disprove you guys.

You aliens are just too sloppy.

-Albert, nothing has changed.
-Prepare the transporter!

-We are not interested
in excuses, just results.

I'm of half a mind to
take you right now.

-Yes, finally!


I don't care anymore.

Why don't you just take me?

Let's just get this over with.

-Not quite yet.


Power down the transporter.

-It is my understanding
that people in your industry

possess something
called creativity.

You had best be
creative, Albert.

And be creative soon.

-Well, hey, buddy!

-Oh, um, hi.


Randy Bottom?

-What are you doing here, Randy?

-Oh, I'm here to get a job.

I'm going to work on the show,
even though I know I might be,

you know, abducted and violated
by strange alien devices.

Max said he's going to call me.

-Ooh, the kiss of death.

-That's what Max tells everyone
has no intention of hiring.

But you know, Randy, I could
help you get a leg up here,

if you want it.

-Oh, yes, of course, very.

-You know, I got a
top-secret shoot tonight.

Yeah, I could really
use your help.

But you can't say a word
to anyone until it airs.

You promise?


I swear I won't tell anybody.

And if I do, you can
abduct me and violate me

and have your way
with me yourself.

-A simple yes would
have sufficed.

Hey, listen, do you know
how to work that thing?

-Oh, sure.

I read this book.

I know everything about it.
-All right.

Well, listen.
Come on.

Come with me.

Now, here's what we got to do.

Come here.

Hang out here for a minute.

I'll be right back.

-Yes, sir.

Sure hope those
aliens don't come

and take me while
I'm waiting here.

All alone.

Completely defenseless.


-Hey, buddy.

Buddy, wake up.

Come here.



Dude, you can't wake
up a vet like that.

They may shoot
innocent bystanders.

-Oh, I don't know about that.


I need you to do
me a favor tonight.

You're the only person
I know outside of work.

It's very, very important.

It would mean a lot to me.

Can you help me out?

-I guess I could find a way
to help a friend in need.



Thank you.

I really appreciate this.

-But first you gotta
do something for me.

-Oh, shit.

-Oh, god.


Oh, god.

-Oh, that's it.

You got skills.

You got skills.

-I gotta get out of here.

I gotta go back to work.

-What are you talking about?

There's lots of time.

Come on, harder, harder.

Tell me a story.


What kind of story?

-I don't know, you
stupid asshole.

Just a story.

How about a wicked witch?


A wicked witch.

Who doesn't like fat kids.

She hates fat kids.

-All right, all
right, all right.

There was a wicked
witched named Helga.


Did she hate fat kids?

-Yeah, she hated your
fucking fat kids.


-Sir, are there going to be
any aliens on this shoot?

-Most likely.

-Well, what would
you say our chances

are of actually being abducted?

We-- we couldn't really
be abducted, could we?

I mean, I would really hate
that if we were abducted

and they stuck a
probe up my butt.

-Any chance of you shutting up?

-Oh, sorry.

I was just trying to
assess the danger factor.

Yeah, because, I mean, I would
really hate that if, like, they

were going to
abduct me and stuck

a probe up my righteous rectum.

I would really, really,
really, really hate that.

I can't stand the thought.

Is this it?

Are we here?

They're here, aren't they?

They're going to take us and
use us for their own pleasure.

-You know how to operate
that thing, right?

-Well, yeah, sure, I
mean, I have this book.

-Start rolling.

They're here.


I'm going to finally
see some aliens.

All right.


You all know me.

I'm Al Manac, and I've stumbled
across something that's

going to change all
of our lives forever.

Hey, thanks, man.

-You know, you shouldn't
have done that.

It wasn't very nice.

-That's showbiz.


-He's a fucking dinosaur.

He needs to go the
way of the dinosaurs.

-I have to admit it.

It was better when
he was missing.

-He's not with the program.

Yeah, I know you all think
he's this great legend,

but he's not.

-I can't just fire him.

I got it.

This is-- this is
so beautiful, I

can't believe I didn't
think of this before.

Resurrected reporter,
a fake alien duplicate.



-I like it.
-All right.

Come on.

Let's go to my
office, take a look.

Where is that guy
for the pickup?

-Haven't seen him.

That's going to work.

-Yes, it will.

As long as we can get
it done, it's not a--

Why is this fucking
tape still sitting here?

-I don't know.

-Oh, there he is.

The station pickup.

You're a little late, buddy.

There's the tape.

Don't let us put you out.

No, you-- you take
your time, OK?

-What the fuck was
that all about?

-I don't know.

Little pissant.

Fire those guys.

-Hold on.

We've got to switch tapes.

Ah, you have the wrong one.

Here you go.

-You sure?

-Yeah, I'm sure.

Here you go.

Give me that one.



Have a good day.


I have died and gone to heaven.

It's going to be quite
a night, isn't it?



-Oh, yeah.

-God, I love my life.

-Mr. Bottom. what's
going on with the show?

-Wait, I-- I know that guy.


-The show is fine.

The show is fine.

Just a few speed bumps
we've hit along the way.

In fact, I was just telling
Max Harmon the other day

about the new direction
I'll be taking the show.

-Did he just say Max Harmon?

-Has the management changed?

Has Mr. Harmon been demoted?


Max Harmon is still
the executive producer.

-Oh, very nice of you.

-It's just that I'm the new
supreme executive producer.

-Did he just say he was
the supreme executive

producer of my show?


-Had Al Manac been given
his walking papers?

Has he had a psychotic break?

-No, no, no no.

-That is the little
freak from the hallway.

I recognize that guy now.

-But I have a message
for those bastard aliens.

-Oh, wait'll I get
my hands on him.

Oh, man.
-Get your hands on him.

-That burns me up.

-You want to blame somebody for
rallying humanity against you?

Blame me.


-Go ahead, blame me.


This is the show that I produce.

-Oh, OK.


"The Search for
Intelligent Life."


-Now, let me tell you,
there's not much out there.

-You're funny.

-Ah, you're just saying that.

I mean, because it's true.


You all know me.

I'm Al Manac.

-Wait a minute.

I did not approve this--
this segment right here.


-Heads are going to roll.

Let me tell you, heads
are going to roll.

-I've gotten word of a
massive alien invasion

hell-bent on world domination.

The world as we know it will
be over in less than 24 hours.

-Oh, I see.

I see.

He's good.

He's good.

-I'm going to give him a raise.

-Right here, right now.

-Ooh, a raise?

-I hear something.

Oh my god, it's the
first alien soldier.

-He's very clever.

-Mr. Alien.

-Very clever.
-Can I interview you?

Mr. Alien?


Oh, no.

-I'm sorry, Al.

Let's try it again.

-That son of a bitch.


-I think I got a tick.

Oh, I can't get him off.

Help me get him off.


He's fake?

He's a fake?

This is all a set-up?

-Put the camera up.

Keep it rolling.

Let's go.

Come on.


He's fake.

-Oh, that's it.

That's it.
Party's over.

-He's not real.

-Time to go.

Time to go.


Hit the road.

Hit the road.

-You are such a jerk.

-Yeah, and?

-I've been living for the last
two years in the Caribbean,

soaking up the sun and
drinking margaritas--

-Oh, Al.

What have you done?

---while the show played
out my fake abduction.

-What have you done?

-I can't do it anymore.

-Oh, we are fucked.

-I can't live a lie.

I just can't.

-We are so fucked.

-That's not the only things
we've fabricated on the show.

-Fuck, fuck, fuck!

-We fabricated just
about everything.

All the aliens,
all the UFO stuff.

There's nothing that's
real on the show.

Nothing at all.

-No, no, no.

I can spin this.

-It's all been a fake.

-Yeah, I--
-It's all a lie.

-I can--
-There are no aliens.

There never has been.

There never has been.

-No problem.

-It just isn't right.

He shouldn't have lied
to everybody like that.

This is goodbye, Ma.


Finally moving out, are you?

-I've got something
I've got to do.

-I'll believe that
when I see it.

-I probably won't be back.

Take care of yourself.

-Take care of myself.

I guess I'll have to.

Can't count on you for
any god damn thing.

Rotten kid.

I swear to god.

-Would you stop that?

Would you wipe that shit-eating
grin off your fucking face?

I suppose you're happy, huh?

You're happy that you
no longer have a job?

But you.

You weren't satisfied with
just losing your own job.

You had to make sure that
everyone in the studio

lost their job as well.

Because that's what
you've done, you know.

You've done what all those
years of inept reporting

and half-baked
subjects never did.

You've killed the show.

You have killed the search
for intelligent life.

And you know what the
funniest thing is?


Do you know?

You're the one who lied.

We have been legit for
almost two years now,

and you-- you washed it all down
the drain in no time at all.

Get out of my sight.

Oh, one more thing, Al?

You're fired.

-Oooh, I'm fired from
a cancelled show!

I'm quaking in my boots!


-Out, out, out.

Oh, you'll never work
in this town again.

No, sir.

I'll see to it.

That son of a bitch.

I don't know what
I was thinking.



Anybody there?

-Hello, Albert.

I must say, we're very pleased.

-And very surprised.

-We didn't think you
had a chance in hell

of accomplishing your directive.
-I know that.

I know you guys were
setting me up to fail.

But I did it.

I accomplished your mission.

So this is my last report.

I'm done with you guys.

-You did accomplish
your directive.

And you did so much better
than we could have envisioned!

Good job, Albert.

Good job.

-Thank you.

Fuck you.


-Prepare the transport.




-No, no, no, no.
You can't do that.

-Prepare the transport.

-I accomplished your directive.

You acknowledged that yourself.

-Yes, I did acknowledge
that, Albert.

There is no question you
accomplished your directive.

-You promised, you
promised, you promised

I'd be free if I
debunked you all.

-We lied, Albert.

We lied.

-Transport initialization
in three minutes.

-See you soon, Albert.

-Fuck, fuck, fuck!


-You lied to us all.

That wasn't very nice.

-Look, man, I didn't lie.

-Yes you did.

-The aliens are real.

That shoot that we
did was the lie.


You lied.

-I'm not lying now.

-About the aliens
being fake or real?

I'm confused.

-Look, you want to
be abducted, right?

Your life's goal
is to be probed.

Do you see what I
have in my hand?

-Not really.

-This is a genuine
alien tracking device.

Whosever in possession of this
thing in the next few minutes

will be treated to a
plethora of probing.


Knock yourself out.

-Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

I'm really sorry I doubted you--

-Fuck me!



It was supposed to be me!

It was supposed to be me!

Come back!

Take me!


Just one more-- please--