Spaceballs (1987) - full transcript

King Roland of the planet Druidia is trying to marry his daughter Princess Vespa to Prince Valium, but Vespa is kidnapped by the evil race of the Spaceballs. The Spaceballs ask Roland a tremendous ransom: all the air of Druidia (you see, the air of Spaceball had serious pollution problems...). The King decides to offer a generous amount of money to a space rogue, Lone Starr, to persuade him to save Vespa. What follows is the parody of a _LOT_ of famous SF movies.

Colonel Sandurz?

What is it,
Sergeant Ricco?

You told me to let you know the moment
Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.


Planet Druidia
is in sight, sir.

You're really
a Spaceball.

You know that,
don't you?

Thanks, sir.

Have you notified
Lord Helmet?

Yes, sir. l took the
liberty. He's on his way.

CORPORAL: Make way
for Dark Helmet!

All rise in the presence
of Dark Helmet.



l can't breathe
in this thing.

We're approaching
Planet Druidia, sir.


l'll call Spaceball City and
notify President Skroob immediately.

l already called him, sir.
He knows everything.

What? You went
over my helmet?

Well, not exactly over,
sir. More to the side.

l'll always call you first. lt'll
never happen again. Never ever!

Oh, shit!

No! Please!

Please, no, not that!

Yes, that.




l don't see Planet
Druidia. Where is it?

We don't have visual contact yet,
but we have it on the radar screen.

Shall l punch it
up for you?

Never mind.
l'll do it myself.

Very good, sir.

What's the matter? What's
that churning and bubbling?

You call that
a radar screen?

No, sir, we call it
Mr. Coffee.

Care for some?

Yes. l always have coffee when
l watch radar. You know that.

Of course l do.
Everybody knows that!

Of course we do, sir.

Now that l have my coffee,
l'm ready to watch radar.

Where is it?

Right here, sir.

Switch to teleview.

There it is.
Planet Druidia.

And underneath the air shield,
1 0,000 years of fresh air.

We must get through
that air shield.

We will, sir.

Once we kidnap the Princess, we
can force her father, King Roland,

to give us the combination
to the air shield,

thereby destroying Planet Druidia
and saving Planet Spaceball.

Everybody got that?

Good. When will the
Princess be married?

Within the hour, sir.

Well, l hope
it's a long ceremony,

'cause it's gonna be
a short honeymoon.


Hot! Too hot.

lf only your mother were
alive to see this day.

ls everyone ready?
Yes, Your Majesty.

No! Where's my
droid of honor?

Oh, dear, yes.
Where's Dot? Dot?

Dot Matrix!

Oh, thank God,

Where've you been?

Here l am. l'm sorry. l
had to make a pit stop.

l'm so excited, l
couldn't hold my oil.

All right, people.
lt's magic time!

All right, everyone,
starting on the left foot.

Daddy, that's
the right foot.

lt's too late.
Keep going.




Must l go through
with this?

l'm sorry, my dear.
You have to.


But, Daddy,



l don't love him.

l'm sorry, Vespa. He's the
last prince left in the galaxy.



Dearly beloved, we are gathered
here on this most joyous occasion

to witness Princess Vespa,
daughter of King Roland,

going right past the altar,
heading down the ramp

and out the door!

Stop her! Someone
stop her! Stop her!

Hey, wait! You forgot
to get married !

Will you stop?

What are you doing?

No questions, Dot.
Get in.


What is she doing?
Where is she going?

Come back!


Ooh, yeah


You got
a nasty reputation

We're in
a sticky situation

lt's down to
me and you

So tell me,
is it true?

They say there ain't
nobody better

Well, now
that we're together


Show me
what you can do






And playin'
to win


Raise your hands...



Always when l'm eating.



What can l
do you for, boss?

Where you been?

Grabbing myself a snack.

You want some?

A little hair
of the dog?

No! Listen, answer
that thing for me.

Will you
watch that?


l'll just throw on our audio
here. That way they won't see you.


Hello, Lone Starr.

Sorry, wrong switch.

Hello, Vinnie.
What do you want?

No, it's not what l want.

lt's what he wants.


Pizza the Hutt.


Well, if it isn't
Lone Starr

and his sidekick, Puke.

That's Barf.

Barf, Puke, whatever.

Where's my money?

Don't worry, Pizza. You'll
have it by next week.

No. l gotta have it
by tomorrow.

1 00,000 space bucks?
By tomorrow?

1 00,000? No way!

You forgot late charges

which brings it up to
1 million space bucks!

A million?
That's unfair!

Unfair to the payer,

but not to the payee.


But you're gonna
pay it or else. . .


Or else what?

Tell him, Vinnie.

Or else Pizza
is gonna send out for you.


You're delicious.

Ciao, boys.



l slept in your arms

Content to go on dreaming

A nightmare
too real to imagine

Losing you

Can we talk?

Okay. We all know
Prince Valium is a pill,

but you could've married
him for your father's sake

and then had a headache
for the next 25 years.

l love you more each day

Will you turn
that thing off?

Play on my heartstrings...


What is it?

l was saying, do you
realize what you've done?

Yes! And l'm glad.


l wonder
if she's glad.

Don't be ridiculous.

As president
of Planet Spaceball,

l can assure
both you and your viewers

that there's absolutely
no air shortage whatsoever.

Yes, of course. l've heard
the same rumor myself.

Yes, thanks for calling
and not reversing the charges.

Yes, bye.




President Skroob.


This is Central Control.

Spaceball Commanderette
Zircon speaking, sir.

Yes, what is it,

Lord Helmet has just notified us
that Princess Vespa is in sight

and Spaceball One
is closing in on her.


We have both ships coming up on the
teledar, sir, if you wish to observe.

l'll be down immediately.

Should l have Snotty
beam you down, sir?

l don't know about that
beaming stuff. ls it safe?

Oh, yes, sir. Snotty
beamed me twice last night.

lt was wonderful.

All right.
l'll take a shot at it.

What the hell,
it works on Star Trek.


beam him down.

SNOTTY: Yes, sir.
lmmediately, sir.


SNOTTY: Great beasties!
What's happened to his head?

lt's on backwards!

This is terrible!
Do something !

l'm sorry, sir. There must have
been a micro-converter malfunction.

Why didn't somebody tell me
my ass was so big?


Hold on, sir. We'll try
to reverse the beam.

SNOTTY: lt could be
the interlocking system.

Lock one. Lock two.
Lock three. Loch Lomond !


Are you all right,
Mr. President?

No thanks to you !

We'll beam you back, sir.

Forget it.
No more beaming.

This time l'm gonna walk.

President Skroob!

Hail, Skroob!

Hello, President Skroob.

Hello, Charlene.

l'm Marlene.

Hello, Marlene.

l'm Charlene.

Chew your gum.

Where's the Princess?

Right there, sir, on the
left side of the screen

approaching SpacebaII One at 1
,500 light leagues per minute.

Good. She's almost
in our grasp.

Tell Dark Helmet he must
take the Princess alive.

Princess Vespa's spaceship
within range, sir.


Fire a warning shot
across her nose.


What's going on?

lt's either
the Fourth of July,

or someone's
trying to kill us!


l don't have to put up
with this. l'm rich.

What are you doing?

l'm calling my father.

1 -800-Druidia.

Careful, you idiot! l said
across her nose, not up it!

Sorry, sir.
l'm doing my best.

Who made
that man a gunner?

l did, sir.

He's my cousin.

Who is he?
He's an Asshole, sir.

l know that.
What's his name?

That is his name, sir.

Major Asshole.

And his cousin?
He's an Asshole, too, sir.

Gunner's Mate, First
Class, Phillip Asshole.

How many Assholes we
got on this ship anyhow?

ALL: Yo!

l knew it. l'm
surrounded by assholes.

Keep firing, assholes!

Hurry, Daddy. Hurry!

There are laser blasts
all around us! l'm scared.

King Roland to Lone Starr.

Are you there?

Lone Starr, you've got to help
me. Please save my daughter.

She's being attacked
by Spaceballs!

Spaceballs? Forget
it. Too dangerous.

Besides, l'm already numero
uno on Dark Helmet's hit list.

Look, Your Highness, it's not
that we're afraid. Far from it.

lt's just that we got this
thing about death. lt's not us.

Please, you must!

You're the only ones that can
save her! l'll give you anything !

Did you hear me?


Yes, anything.

Okay. We'll do it
for a million.

A million?

You're starting to fade here. We're
losing picture, Your Highness.

All right, l'll pay it.
Only find her, save her.

All right, King.
You just made a deal.

One princess for
1 million space bucks.

What's she driving?

A brand-new white Mercedes

2001 SEL limited edition.

Moon roof,
all-leather interior.

l got it at a very
good price. l paid cash.

My cousin, Prince Murray, has
a dealership in the valley.

He was very nice to me.

We get the idea.

Where was
she last seen?

She was just passing
Jupiter Two.

We'll find her.

Please bring her back safely.

And if it's at all possible,
try to save the car.

1 million space bucks! We'll be
able to pay off Pizza the Hutt!

Give me paw!


What's happening?

What's that glow?

We're not moving.

We're moving,
all right.


Look, there's our princess.
She's got company.

Oh, no.

And they've already got
her in their magnetic beam.

We're too late.
What a shame.

l'll throw her in reverse.
We'll get out of here.

No! Bad.

What are we doing risking our
lives for a runaway princess?

l know we need the
money, but. . . Listen,

we're not just
doing this for money.

We're doing it
for a shitload of money.

You're right.

And when you're right, you're
right. And you, you're always right.

Okay, we save her.
But how?

The minute we move in there, they're
gonna spot us on their radar.


Not if we jam it.


You're right.

Down scope.
Down scope.

Radar about to be jammed.





ON PA: Sir.
What is it?

Can l talk to you for
a minute, please, sir?


l'm having trouble
with the radar, sir.

You don't need that, Private.
We're right here. What is it?

l'm having trouble
with the radar, sir.

Now what is it?

l'm having trouble
with the radar.

What's wrong?

l've lost the bleeps, the
sweeps, and the creeps.

The what?
And the what?

You know. The bleeps.


The sweeps.


And the creeps.


That's not
all he's lost.

The radar, sir.

lt appears to be




Well, there's only one man who
would dare give me the raspberry.

Lone Starr!


What was that?


Never mind that.
What was that?



Who are you?

Not in here, mister.
This is a Mercedes.

No, that's
my name. Barf.


What are you?

l'm a Mawg:
half man, half dog.

l'm my own best friend.

What do you want?

Your father hired Captain
Lone Starr and me to save you.

We got to hop up
this ladder and get out.

Good. Quick. Hurry,
darling. Follow the dog.

Mawg. l'm a Mawg.

Wait. What about
my matched luggage?


DOT: Stop looking
up my can.


Checking in? What
the hell is all that?

lt's Her Royal Highness's
matched luggage!


Her Royal Highness's
matched luggage.

Matched luggage, huh?

What's she think this is,
a Princess Cruise?

Well, she wouldn't
go without it.

Oh, yeah?


Now hear this.

The minute we get out of
here, the first thing we do is

dump the matched luggage.

Who is that?

Now you hear this,
whoever you are.

You will not touch
that luggage.

And furthermore, l want
this pigsty cleaned up.

l will not be rescued
in such filth.

Listen. On this ship, l don't
take orders, l give them.

This is my dreamboat,



How dare you
speak to me that way?

You will address me in the proper
manner as Your Royal Highness.

l am Princess Vespa,

daughter of Roland,
King of the Druids.

That's all we needed.

A Druish princess.

She doesn't look Druish.

Now we will show her who
is in charge of this galaxy.

Hold it. l'll handle
this personally.

Lord Helmet!

So, Princess Vespa,

you thought you could outwit the
imperious forces of Planet Spaceball.

Well, you were wrong.

You are now our prisoner.

And you will be held
hostage until such time

as all of the air is
transferred from your planet

to ours.

She's not in there.

Radar repaired, sir.

We're picking up the outline
of a Winnebago.


Lone Starr.

Here comes
the Badyear blimp.

We'd better get out
of here in a hurry.

Switch to
secret hyper-jets.

Switching to
secret hyper-jets.

Buckle up back there, we're
going into hyperactive.

We're closing in
on them, sir.

ln less than a minute,
Lone Starr will be ours.

Prepare to attack.

Prepare to attack.

On the count of three.




What happened?
Where are they?

l don't know, sir.

They must have
hyper-jets on that thing.

And what have we got on
this thing, a Cuisinart?

No, sir.

Well, find them,
catch them !

Yes, sir.

ON PA: Prepare ship
for light speed.

No, light speed
is too slow.

Light speed too slow?

Yes. We're gonna have to
go right to ludicrous speed.


Ludicrous speed?

We've never gone that fast. l don't
know if this ship can take it.

What's the matter,
Colonel Sandurz?


Prepare ship.

Prepare ship for
ludicrous speed.

Fasten all seat belts.

Seal all entrances
and exits.

Close all shops
in the mall.

Cancel the
three-ring circus.

Secure all animals
in the zoo...

Give me that, you petty
excuse for an officer.


Now hear this.

Ludicrous speed!

Sir, hadn't you
better buckle up?

Buckle this.

Ludicrous speed! Go!




What have l done?

My brains are going
into my feet.

What the hell
was that?

Spaceball One.

They've gone to plaid.

We passed them.
Stop this thing.

We can't stop.
lt's too dangerous.

We've got to
slow down first.

Just stop this thing !

l order you. Stop!


Here, sir. Here.
Let me help you, sir.

Are you
all right, sir?

How have you been?

Fine, sir.


Good thing you were
wearing that helmet.


What shall
we do now, sir?

Well, are we stopped?

We're stopped, sir.


Why don't we take
a five-minute break?

Very good, sir.

Smoke if
you got them.

Take her out of

Taking her out
of hyperactive.


Congrats, boss.
We did it.

They must have overshot
us by a week-and-a-half.

Okay. Let's set
a course for Druidia.

Setting a course
for. . .


What's that?

l don't know.
We're losing power!

'Cause we're out of gas!

Must have burned it
up in hyperactive.

We should have put more
than five bucks' worth in !

Okay. We'll have to
set her down.

Prepare for
an emergency landing.

Quick, give me
a reading !

Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name. . .

Will you stop that?

Keep your seat belts
fastened back there.

You okay, Princess?


No, you idiot! Where'd
you learn how to fly?

EagIe 5 coming in.


BARF: Left! Go left!
Right! l mean right!

Pull up!


Where're you going?

l am going to tell him
off once and for all.

Wait. We'll need him
to get us out of here.

Called me an idiot?

l'm going back there and
explain a few things to her.

Besides, he's got a sexy
voice. He might be cute.

You haven't seen her.

l know what
she looks like.

You've seen one,
you've seen them all.

Cute? l know these space
bums, they're all alike.

Fat, ugly. . .

knock-kneed. . .

Beer-swilling pigs!

Horse-faced space dogs!

Yeah, well, normally. . .


That's gonna leave a mark.

Now listen, you. . .

You listen.

On this ship, you're to refer to
me as "idiot," not "you Captain."

l mean. . . You know
what l mean.

And you will not
call me "you."

You will never
address me as "you."

You will call me
"Your Royal Highness"!

You are a royal
pain in the. . .

Hold it. Time!
BOTH: What?

May l make
a small suggestion?

Any minute now, the Spaceballs
will make a major U-turn,

head back this way,
and make us all dead.

He's right. Let's go.

Wait. My things.

Now listen,
you royal. . .



Take only what
you need to survive.


DOT: Please slow down. l'm
getting sand up my gears.

Gee, l hope she
didn't forget anything.

All right, wait a minute,
Barf. Put it down.

What the hell's
in this thing?

What's this?

l said, take only what
you need to survive.

My industrial-strength
hair dryer.

And l can't
live without it!

Okay, Princess,
that's it.

The fairy tale is over.

Welcome to real life.

You want this hot air
machine, you carry it.

You pick that up.

How dare you,
you insolent peasant?

Nobody talks to me
that way. Nobody!


Well, what have we got here?
Will you look at her?


Those flashing eyes, those flushed
cheeks, those trembling lips.

You know
something, Princess?

You are ugly
when you're angry.


That's it.

You and
your dog are. . .


Total humans,
droids, if l may?

lt's going to be
very dark soon.

l suggest we find a place
to camp for the night.

Come, darling.

See? lt's lighter.

Oh, yeah.
This is the best.

l could have carried
two or three of these.

Have you
found them yet?

No, Lord Helmet.

They're still not
on the scanner.

Well, keep looking
for them.


Pardon me, sir.
l have an idea.

Corporal, get me the video
cassette of Spaceballs: The Movie.

CORPORAL: Yes, sir.

"The Producers, Twelve Chairs,
Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein."

Colonel Sandurz, may l
speak with you, please?

Yes, sir.

How can there be a cassette
of Spaceballs: The Movie?

We're still in the
middle of making it.

True, sir.

There's been a new breakthrough
in home video marketing.

There has?

lnstant cassettes.

They're out in stores
before the movie is finished.


Here it is, sir!

SANDURZ: Good work,
Corporal. Punch it up.

That's much too early.
Prepare to fast-forward.

Preparing to

Fast-forward !
Fast-forwarding, sir.



No, go past this.
Past this part.

ln fact, never play
this again.

Try here. Stop.

What the hell
am l looking at?

When does this happen
in the movie?


You're looking
at now, sir.

Everything that happens now
is happening now.

What happened to then?
We passed then.

Just now.

We're at now, now.

Go back to then.


l can't. We missed it.

Just now.

When will then
be now?


How soon?

CORPORAL: Sir! We've
identified their location !

lt's the moon of Vega.

Set a course and
prepare for our arrival.

1 900 hours, sir.

By high noon tomorrow,
they will be our prisoners.



No, thank you.
l'm perfectly all right.

Take it,
it's freezing.

lf you insist.

Won't you be cold?

No, cold never bothers me.


l can't seem
to find Druidia.

lt's right there.


lt's right there. lt's that
bright blue one right there. See?

Oh, yeah.
But it's so far away.

Don't worry,
l'll get you there.

Which one's yours?

Who knows?

You don't know
where you're from?

Not really. l was found on
the doorstep of a monastery.

Monastery? Where?

in the Ford Galaxy.

Well, didn't the monks tell
you who your parents were?

They couldn't. They
took a vow of silence.

All l got was this.
lt was around my neck.

What is it?
l don't know.

l've taken it to every
wise man in the universe

and nobody could
tell me what it means.

lt's beautiful.

You know, l. . .

lt's beautiful.

So, how come you ran
away from your wedding?

Well, if you must know, l
wasn't in love with the groom.

Why were you
going to marry him?

Because l'm a princess, and
l have to marry a prince.

And he doesn't
do it for you, huh?

No, he doesn't
do it for me.


l really must go back.

l shouldn't have run away.

l realize now that
love is one luxury

You're probably right.

l know now that l must
learn to live without love.

l guess so.

Besides, love isn't
that important.

No, it never was.

l could be perfectly happy
the rest of my life without


Sure you could.

Without physical contact.


Without being held.


Or kissed.


Abandon ship!

Women and Mawgs first!

have none of that, mister.

How far did he get?
What did he touch?

Nothing happened !

What the hell
was that noise?

That was
my Virgin Alarm.

lt's programmed to
go off before you do.

You get back
to bed, miss.

And as for you,
sex fiend. . .

All right. Let's all
just get some sleep.

We gotta get moving
before dawn.

Why so early?

Because we're in
the middle of the desert

and we aren't gonna get very far
once that blazing sun gets overhead.

BARF: Nice dissolve.





(PANTlNG) Oil.

Room service.

Chief, l'm dead.

l can't go
any further.

Come on, Barf,
old buddy.

Just one more
dune to go.


You said that three dunes
ago. l got no more left.

Oh, waiter.
Check, please.

Must go on.

Who am l kidding?





Thanks, little guy.

Thank you.

Did l miss something?

When did we get
to Disneyland?


l don't
see them, Sandurz.

l've sent the troops on
ahead to Vector 78, sir.

Let's get moving.

Yes, sir. Driver,
prepare to move out.

What are you preparing? You're
always preparing. Just go.

Just go.
Yes, sir.

Sir, shouldn't
you sit down?


BARF: What're they saying?

Well, it's obvious they
want us to go with them.


What is
this place?

lt looks like
the Temple of Doom.

Well, it sure ain't
Temple Beth lsrael.

Come on. l think we'd
better follow them.


Oh-oh. l think
we woke it up.

Goodbye, folks! Let me
know how it turns out.

Come back
here, Dot!

Come on. We
gotta keep going.

We need you.

What's gonna
happen now?

Don't ask.
Maybe it won't.

But what if
it does?

l don't know about you,
but l'm all for leaving.

l say we get out of here right
now, while the going. . .


YOGURT: Silence!

Who dares enter the
sacred and awesome presence

of the everlasting
know-it-all, Yogurt?

ALL: Yogurt?

You heard of me?

Heard of you? Who
hasn't heard of Yogurt?

the wise.

the all-powerful.

the magnificent.

Please, don't make a fuss.
l'm just plain Yogurt.

But you're the one. . .


l am the keeper of
a greater magic,

a power known throughout
the universe as the. . .

The Force?

No. The Schwartz.

ALL: The Schwartz!

Yes, the Schwartz.

But, Yogurt, what is this place?
What is it that you do here?


What's that?


Come, l'll show you.
Open up the store.


Come! Walk this way.
Take a look.

We put the picture's
name on everything !


where the real money
from the movie is made.

SpacebaIIs, The T-shirt.

The Coloring Book.

The Lunch Box.

The Breakfast Cereal.

The Flamethrower.

The kids love this one.

Last, but not least,

SpacebaIIs, The Doll.


May the Schwartz
be with you.



Hot together


So hot together

Baby, we could be hot...


President Skroob.

What is it?

l have an urgent message from Lord
Helmet. He's lost the Princess.


Somewhere in
the sands of Vega.

Tell them to comb the desert.
Do you hear me? Comb the desert!

Yes, sir.


Are we being
too literal?

No, you fool.
We're following orders.

We were told to comb the
desert, so we're combing it.

Found anything yet?

Nothing yet, sir.

How about you?

Not a thing, sir.

What about
you guys?

We ain't found shit!

lt's a big mystery. None of the
wise men could tell me what it means.

Wise men, pshaw. Wise guys,
you mean. What do they know?

Here, let me
take a look.


You can read it!

No, l was just
clearing my throat.

Here, let me
take a. . .

Oh, yes.
Yes, of course!

You understand it?

What's it say?

l cannot tell you that now. lt shall
be revealed to you at the proper time.


Come on, don't be

Back to your
Schwartz training.

Here, take the ring. Point
it at that big statue.

Okay. But l still
don't understand

how l'm going to lift that big
statue with this little ring.

Never underestimate the
power of the Schwartz!

Come on, concentrate!
Here we go!





YOGURT: Lone Starr,
you're doing it!

l can't believe it! The
Schwartz, it's working !

Hey, boss,
how'd you do that?


Give me the ring, quick.




Sorry, Barf.



Keep searching.


lt's no use, sir. We've
searched everywhere.


l feel the presence
of the Schwartz.

The Schwartz?

lt's coming
from somewhere

down there.

You're right, sir. There's
a secret entrance here.

And look at this
insignia. lt's a "Y."

l hate yogurt!

Even with strawberries!

l'll call for
the attack squad, sir.

No, we can't go in there.
Yogurt has the Schwartz.

lt's far too powerful.

But, sir, your ring. Don't
you have the Schwartz, too?

He got the upside.
l got the downside.

There's two sides
to every Schwartz.

Then how are we gonna
go in there and get her?

We will not
go in there.

She will
come out to us.

KlNG ROLAND: Vespa, my
child. Where are you?


Vespa, it's your father,
King Roland.

Come to me.


l hear you.
Where are you?

Follow my voice.

Come to me.

Vespa, where are you going?

Vespa, come to me.

ls it really you?

Yes, my dear.

l guarantee it.
Would l lie?



DOT: No, Vespa, don't!



Fooled you.


Take them both aboard and put
the Princess in my quarters.

Yes, sir.

Now she is mine.

What's the matter?
What are they saying?

They've taken
the Princess.



Too late.

Don't worry, boss.
We'll get her back.

Thanks for
the gas, Yogurt.

You're welcome.
And here!

Just in case
you get hungry.

A fortune cookie?

Remember, open it
before you eat it.

We better get going.

l wonder, will we ever
see each other again?

Who knows? God willing,
we'll all meet again

in Spaceballs 2:
The Search for More Money.

Goodbye, Lone Starr.

Goodbye, Yogurt.

The ring of the Schwartz!

No, l can't take this.

Take it.
You might need it.

l'll never forget you.

Wish me luck.


So, Princess Vespa,

at last l have you
in my clutches

to have my way with you
the way l want to.

No, please!
Leave me alone.

No, you are mine.

Not so fast, Helmet.

Lone Starr.

Yes, it's me. l'm here
to save my girlfriend.

Hi, honey.

Now you are
going to die.


what'd you do to my friend?

The same thing l'm going
to do to you, big boy.

And you, too.

Now, Princess Vespa,
at last we are alone.

No, l hate you.
Leave me alone!

Yet l find you
strangely attractive.

Of course you do.

Druish princesses are often
attracted to money and power.

And l have both.
And you know it.

Leave me alone!
No, kiss me!

No! Yes! No!



Your helmet
is so big.

Lord Helmet.

You're needed
on the bridge, sir!

Knock on my door.
Knock next time!

Yes, sir.

Did you see anything?
No, sir.

l didn't see you
playing with your dolls.


President Skroob.

l told you never to call me on
this wall. This is an unlisted wall.

Sorry, sir,
but it's vey important.

The Princess has just
been brought to your office

and Lord Helmet and Colonel
Sandurz are awaiting you there.

All right. Tell them
l'll be right there.

Yes, sir!




Helmet, you fiend!
What's going on?

What are you doing
to my daughter?

Permit me
to introduce

the brilliant young plastic
surgeon, Dr. Phillip Schlotkin.

The greatest nose job man in the
entire universe and Beverly Hills.

Your Highness.

Nose job?
l don't understand.

She's already had a nose job.
lt was her sweet-sixteen present.

No, it's not what you
think. It's much, much worse.

lf you do not give me the
combination to the air shield,

Dr. Schlotkin will give your
daughter back her old nose.



Where did you get that?

All right, l'll tell!

No, Daddy,
no, you mustn't!

You're right, my dear.
l'll miss your new nose.

But l will not tell him the
combination, no matter what.

Vey well. Dr.
Schlotkin, do your worst.

My pleasure.

KlNG ROLAND: No! Wait!

l'll tell.

DARK HELMET: I knew it would
work. All right, give it to me.

The combination is:








So the combination is
1 -2-3-4-5.

That's the stupidest combination
l ever heard in my life!

That's the kind of thing an
idiot would have on his luggage!

Thank you,
Your Highness.

What did you do?

l turned off
the wall.

No, you turned off
the whole movie.

l must have pressed
the wrong button.

Put the movie back on !

Yes, sir.

You gotta get
that thing fixed.

We're back! And we
have the combination !

Schlotkin !

We're done with you.

Go back to the golf course
and work on your putts.

Let's go, Arnold.
Come, Gretchen.

Of course, you know l'll still
have to bill you for this.

l bet she gives
great helmet.

Did it work?
Where's the King?

lt worked, sir.
We have the combination.

Great. Now we can take every last
breath of fresh air from Planet Druidia.

What's the combination?

1 -2-3-4-5.

1 -2-3-4-5?


That's amazing. l've got the
same combination on my luggage.

Prepare SpacebaII One
for immediate departure.

Yes, sir.

And change the combination
on my luggage.


There it is. Spaceball
City, straight ahead.

l'm taking her in.

GUARD: What the hell
is that thing?

GUARD 1 : lt looks like
a Winnebago with wings.

Hey, you can't
park here!

Yeah, can't you guys
read? "No parking."


That son of a. . .

All right, hands up. You're
under arrest for illegal parking.

Yeah !


MAN ON PA: Warden Miller,
you're wanted in V-17.

Section C scanners, report.


She's gotta be in
one of these cells.

Yeah, but which one?


Nobody knows

lt's coming
from here.

That can't
be her.

The trouble
l've seen

Nobody knows
but Jesus

lt's her.

Nobody knows

The trouble l've seen

She's a bass.

Glory hallelujah


What do you want?

lt's me.

lt's us.

Lone Starr.
How did you find us?

No time to talk.
Come on.

We gotta move.

Barf! How'd you do it?


Those are the guys
that stole our uniforms!

And beat the shit
out of us, too!


We got company.

Watch out!

Damn it! That's
our only way out.

We're trapped.

l hate
these movies.


l'm out of ammo!

Get back!
l'll hold them off.

l got an idea!

What's he doing?



Good work.

More ping-pongs.
Run for it.

Let's go!

lt's closing !

The door's closing !

Go for broke!


Don't move or you're
dead. Stand up!

we've got them.

Spectacular stunt, my friends,
but all for naught.

Turn around, please.

What a pity.

So, Princess, you thought you could
outwit the imperious force of. . .


You idiots!

These are not them. You've
captured their stunt doubles.

Search the area.
Find them !

LONE STARR: Hurry up. Get
aboard. l'll hold them off.

Open the door!

l can't,
it's fused.

What about this one?
lt's locked.

Where are the keys?

Oh, great!

Here, you hold them off.
l'll get the door.

l ain't shooting this
thing. l hate guns.

My hair.
He shot my hair!

You son of a bitch !

Holy shit!

How was that?

Not bad.

Not bad
for a girl.

That was pretty good
for Rambo!

Let's blow this joint.


SANDURZ: President
Skroob! Salute!

ALL: Hail, Skroob.

The ship is too big. lf l
walk, the movie will be over.



Never have that damn
thing down in front of me.

How do l know you're not making
faces at me under that thing?

SANDURZ: President Skroob.

There it is,
Planet Druidia.

(EXCLAlMlNG) Planet Druidia.
And 1 0,000 years of fresh air.

The way he runs things,
it won't last 1 00.


Preparing ship for
metamorphosis, sir.

Get on with it.

Ready, Kafka?

Look, it's
Spaceball One.

They've reached
the air shield.

DOT: And it's opening.

The ship's too big.
They'll never get through.

How will they get the air out? l
don't see any hoses or anything.

What's happening?

The ship. Changing.

Oh, my gosh. lt's
not just a spaceship.

lt's a transformer.

DOT: lt's changing into...

BARF: A gigantic...

VESPA: Maid!

With a vacuum cleaner.

So that's how they're
gonna get the air out.

Metamorphosis completed, sir.
SpacebaII One has now become


Good !


Now, commence
Operation Vacu-Suck.



Goodbye, little Vespa.

My little baby Vespa.


The air bag,
it's almost full.

DOT: What do we do?

We've gotta act fast.

Step one: We reverse the vacuum and
blow the air back onto the planet.

Step two: We
destroy that thing.

But isn't that


Plus, l don't know how the
hell we're gonna do it.

What about that ring
Yogurt gave you?

Oh, yeah.

Come on, boss.
Give it a shot!

Here goes nothing.

VESPA: Look at that.


BARF: lt's working.

VESPA: Come on, Schwartz!


what's going on?

what's going on?

lt's Megamaid. She's
gone from suck to blow.

What? They're getting all
their air back. Do something.

Do something !

ON PA: Do something!


l'm breathing.



Dim the lights.

Dimming the lights.

Go to infrared.

Going to infrared.

Pray to God.

Praying to God.


DOT: (PANlCKlNG) Careful.

What are you doing?



There's gotta be
a self-destruct mechanism

somewhere in
the central brain area.

l think
we just found it.



There it is.

lt's right below us.

Put her in hover, Barf.

Putting her in hover.

l'm going
down there.

He's going
down there.

l wouldn't.

What the hell
are you doing?

The Vulcan
neck pinch?

No, stupid. You got
it much too high.

lt's down here where the
shoulder meets the neck.

Like this?



identification, please.


Thanks again.

ls that you, Mylar?

Who are you? What are
you doing with that?




Sweet dreams.

Not so fast,
Lone Starr.


So. At last we meet for the
first time for the last time.


Before you die, there is something
you should know about us, Lone Starr.


l am your father's brother's
nephew's cousin's former roommate.

What's that make us?

Absolutely nothing!

Which is what
you are about to become.

Prepare to die.

You have the ring, and l see
your Schwartz is as big as mine.

Now let's see
how well you handle it.




He did it.


Shit! l hate it when l
get my Schwartz twisted.

Maybe if l put my leg up on yours,
we could scoot apart, like...

Good. Yeah, on three.
One, two, three, go!





So, Lone Starr,
Yogurt has taught you well.

lf there's one thing l
despise, it is a fair fight.

But if I must,
then l must.

May the best man win.

Put her there.

The ring! l can't believe you fell
for the oldest trick in the book.

What a goof! What's
with you, man? Come on.

You know what? Here, let
me give it back to you.

Look at that!
You fell for that, too.

I can't believe it, man.

So, Lone Starr, now you see
that evil will always triumph

because good is dumb.

Vey impressive,
Lone Starr.

Too bad this isn't
the Wide World of Sports.

YOGURT: Use the Schwartz,
Lone Starr. Use the Schwartz.

l can't.
l lost the ring.

Forget the ring.
The ring is bupkis.

l found it
in a Cracker Jack box.

The Schwartz is in you,
Lone Starr. lt's in you.

All right. l'll try.

Say goodbye to
your two best friends.

And l don't mean your pals
in the Winnebago.


AUTOMATED VOlCE: Thank you for
pressing the self-destruct button.

This ship will self-destruct
in three minutes.


What's going on? Where
the hell are we? Paris?

Thank you for pressing
the self-destruct button.

This ship will self-destruct in
exactly two minutes and 45 seconds.

You've got to stop it. ls
there any way to stop it?

l can't.
lt's irreversible.

Like my raincoat.

Attention, this is Colonel
Sandurz in forward command.

Abandon ship!

All personnel proceed
to escape pods.

Close down the circus.
Evacuate the zoo.

The self-destruct mechanism has
been activated. Abandon ship.

Sandurz, you gotta help me.
l don't know what to do.

l can't make decisions.
l'm a president!

your two-minute warning.

This ship will self-destruct
in exactly two minutes.

SANDURZ ON PA: Launch all escape
pods as soon as they are filled.

What's happening?
Where is he?


Watch out!

Where is he?

We've got a minute and 40 before
the end of the world. Hang on.


Full throttle.
Full throttle.

Go to hyper-jets!
Going to hyper-jets.

MAN: (SlNGlNG) lf you're livin' in
a bubble and you haven't got a care

Get out of there. Where
do you think you're going?

Pizza to go!

Well, you're gonna
be in trouble

'Cause we're gonna
steal your air

'Cause what you got
is what we need

And all we do
is dirty deeds

We're the Spaceballs

Watch out!

'Cause we're
the Spaceballs


That's my escape pod.
Who are you?

l'm the bearded lady. What
are you, one of the freaks?


Come back!
That's my pod ! No!

Come back, you fat,
bearded bitch !

One pod left. And three of
us. And l'm the president.

Well, boys,
it's a very lovely ship.

l think you should
go down with it.


What the hell's the
matter with this seat belt?





AUTOMATED VOlCE: This ship will
self-destruct in 20 seconds.

This is your last chance to
push the cancellation button.

Cancellation button?



Where is it?

lt's gotta be here.

Out of order?

Fuck! Even in the
future nothing works.

AUTOMATED VOlCE: This ship will
self-destruct in exactly 1 0 seconds.


Counting down.

Ten. Nine.



Six? What happened
to seven?

Just kidding.

There's the other
end. Faster!


Six. Five. Four.

Three. Two. One.

Have a nice day.

ALL: Thank you.

VESPA: We did it!



We all did it.


So, l guess you might call
that a case of man bites droid?

On a sadder note,
Pizza the Hutt,

famed half man, half pizza,
was found dead earlier today

in the back seat
of his stretched limo.

the notorious gangster

became locked in his car
and ate himself to death.

Coming up, Pongo's review
of Rocky 5,000.


PONGO: Whoever said
when you've seen...

Did you hear that?
Pizza kicked the bucket.

Now we don't have to pay him the
million. We can keep it for ourselves.



Vespa, my darling. l thought
l'd never see you again.

My sweet little daughter. l'm so
happy that you're home and safe.

And, little Vespa, here's someone
else who's happy to see you.

Where have you been?


Thanks, hon.


Hiya, big stuff.
Hi, dream.

What will you have?

We just got a couple minutes while
we're gassing up. What's ready?

l can give you the space
soup, or the space special.

l'll have the soup.


l'll have the cleavage.

Okay, one special
and one soup.

Ready to order?

Hi, yes.

We'll both have
the lunafish.

Anything to drink?

Hey, watch where you're
sticking that thing.


Look, it's got a mind
of its own, sweetheart.

l can't do
a thing with it.


So, we were lost. None
of us knew where we were.

And then Harry began feeling
around on all the trees.

Then he said, "l got
it. We on Pluto."

And we say, "Harry,
how can you tell?"

He said, "From the
bark, you dummies."


ls he all right?

MAN 1 : Yeah,
the guy digs me.

Hey, what's wrong
with this guy?

l don't know.


Bring him
some water!

Water, my ass! Bring this
guy some Pepto-Bismol !

What did he order?

He had the special.

That's what l ordered.
Change my order to the soup.

Good move.



Oh, no. Not again !



(SlNGlNG) Hello, my
baby Hello, my honey

Hello, my ragtime gal

Send me a kiss by wire
Baby, my heart's on fire

lf you refuse me,
Honey, you'll lose me

Then you'll be
left alone

Oh, baby, telephone and
tell me l'm your own

BOTH: Check, please.

Five minutes
to magic time.

Are you all right, my dear?
You look a little flighty.

Don't worry about me, Father.
l'm completely over him.


Didn't even stay
for the wedding.

Just grabbed his million
space bucks and ran.

He didn't
take the million.

He didn't?

No. He just took 248 space
bucks for lunch, gas and tolls.

l still can't believe
you turned down the money.

At least we could have stayed for
the wedding feast. l'm starving.

Have you got
anything to eat?

Wait a minute. Yogurt gave
me that fortune cookie.

Here, chow down.

Wow, thanks. l'll
split it with you.


BOTH: Yogurt!

Hello, boys.

Well, you opened your fortune
cookie, so here's your fortune.

Lone Starr, you know that medallion
that you wear around your neck

but you don't know
what it means?

Here's what it means. lt's
a royal birth certificate.

Yes! Your father was a king.
Your mother was a queen.

Which makes you
a certified prince.

Hey, l'm a prince!

l'm a prince.
Which means. . .

Which means, if you hury, there
could be a princess in your future.

lf you want to get back there
before she marries Sleeping Beauty,

there's a special can of fuel
in your glove compartment.

Good luck, boys.

Bye, Yogurt.

And, Yogurt, thanks.

You're welcome.

And may the Schwartz
be with you!


Barf, open that
glove compartment.

You got it,
Your Highness.

Wow! Liquid Schwartz!

Quick, pour it
in the emergency tank.


Look at that.


Hang on, Barf, we're
gonna make spacetracks.




Dear me, what are those
things coming out of her nose?

Hey, watch my helmet.



Oh, shit.
There goes the planet.

Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here together

Why didn't you tell me
he didn't take the money?

l didn't think
it was important.

May l continue,

Besides, he asked me
not to tell you.

Thank you.

To join Princess Vespa
and Princess Valium. . .

l'm sorry,
it's the hair.

Prince Valium in the
bonds of holy matrimony.

l see it all now. Don't
you see? He loves me!

l'm trying to conduct
a wedding here,

which has nothing
to do with love.

Please be quiet.
l'm sorry.

l'm sorry.

l'm sorry, too.

Don't be sorry.
Be quiet!

ALL THREE: l'm sorry!

To join Princess Vespa
and Prince Valium

in the bonds of holy




That's him ! l know
it's him. He's come back.

That's it! l'm gonna take no more
chances. We're doing the short version.

Prince Valium, do you take Princess
Vespa to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Princess Vespa, do you take Prince
Valium to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Well, l suppose.

Well. . .
Oh, l don't know.

No! She doesn't!



Who the hell are you?

Prince Lone Starr.


l just found out.
That's what this says.

l'm an honest to God prince.

Will you marry me?

Well, let me
think about it.


l'm sick of this.

l don't give a damn who it is, but
l'm gonna marry somebody today!

Who are you?
l'm the best man.

What's your name?

Your full name.


Are you the one
that's getting married?


Then get over there!

Okay, here we go.
The short, short version.

Do you?

Do you?

Good. You're married.
Kiss her.

l love you.

Well, goodbye, Virgin Alarm.


MAN: (SlNGlNG) lf you're livin' in
a bubble and you haven't got a care

Well, you're gonna
be in trouble

'Cause we're gonna
steal your air

'Cause what you got
is what we need

And all we do
is dirty deeds

We're the Spaceballs

CHORUS: Watch out!

'Cause we're
the Spaceballs

We're the masters of space

MAN: Hey,
don't mess around

With the Spaceballs

Going cruising
in a spaceship

We're so good at being bad

We'll destroy your little
planet if you ever get us mad

We're mothers of the galaxy

You better scatter
when you see

The Spaceballs!

Watch out!

We're the Spaceballs

We're the masters of space

Say what?
Don't mess around

With the Spaceballs

Watch out!

We're mothers of the galaxy

We're gonna take
the air you breathe

Oh, Spaceballs!

Watch out!

We're the Spaceballs

We're the masters of space

Don't mess around
with the Spaceballs

Watch out!

We're the Spaceballs

We're the masters of space

Don't mess around
with the Spaceballs

Watch out!

We've got
a bossin' little ship

So you better
watch your lip

'Cause we're the Spaceballs

Watch out!

You may think
that you are bad

But believe you can be had

By the Spaceballs

Watch out!

We're the Spaceballs

Watch out!

We're the Spaceballs

We're the masters of space

Don't mess around
with the Spaceballs

We're so bad and mean

We make nightmares
out of dreams

We're the Spaceballs

You better

Watch out!