Space Daze (2005) - full transcript

[THEME MUSIC]

What the fuck are
you looking at?

Son of a bitch.

Don't fucking look at me.

Yo.

Yo, man.

You're gonna be OK.

All right?

It's a new day.

Come on.

[SOBBING]



Come on, pull it together, dog.

All right.

It'll be OK.

What's up, dog,
what're you having?

Uh, just gimme a beer.

Brand?

Whatever you got on tap's fine.

[SIGHS]

Ain't that bad, is it?

I'm just having a bad day.

Yo, you see that
guy down there?

[WEEPING]

That guy is having a bad day.

Well then, I guess it's
just a day for bad days.



What's your story, dog?

I'm actually thinking
of quitting my job.

Fucking A, do it.

Screw those cheap bastards.

You don't even know what I do.

Doesn't matter.

Get those assholes off
your back once and for,

you go to work for yourself.

It's the only way to make a
decent living in this town

today.

You thinks so?

Absolutely.

Walk out the door, slap that
boss man across his fat face,

you tell him to kiss your ass.

Well, that might affect
my severance package.

You know what, dog?

You look familiar.

Yeah, have you seen the
television show, "The Search

for Intelligent Life"?

[THEME MUSIC]

Welcome to this week's
edition of "The Search

for Intelligent Life."

I'm your host, Max Harmon.

Think for a moment,
what would an encounter

with alien visitors be like?

The following testimonials
from people just

like you may give us a clue?

Yeah, I was on my way back
to my mother in law's house

when I had to urinate real bad.

It was late and I didn't
see no other cars,

so I parked on the
side of the road

here and started urinating
in the grass over there.

Then three of them came running
across the field right at me.

But turned out
they was Shriners.

They scared the hell
out of me just the same.

Excuse me, sir,
but what would you

do if UFOs landed on the
White House lawn tomorrow?

Look I don't know
about that, but I

do know that if I don't
ever kick this coke habit,

I'm never going to be strong
enough to tell my wife that I'm

cheating on her with
my secretary or confess

to arson fires on
the south side.

Is that thing on?

Oh yeah, I was abducted.

But you know, I didn't mind.

I don't know what I
would have done of Chuck

Norris hadn't shown up.

I was abducted and
taken aboard a space

vessel in the fall of 1988.

I don't remember
too much about it,

but I have made arrangements to
undergo a session of hypnosis

in order to pull the
memories from me.

Hello.

I'm Dr. Reynolds, and this
is my associate, Dr. McGee.

We're here today to place
the subject, Francesca,

into a state of hypnosis,
in order that she can

recall memories about
an incident that

occurred several years ago.

And we've interviewed
Francesca on several occasions

before this session, and believe
her to be honest in her claim

that she was abducted
by non-human entities.

It appears the subject
is sufficiently under,

so let's begin.

Francesca, I want you
to go back in time.

I want you to go back
approximately seven years

to the evening of
September 18, 1988.

Can you do that for me?

Yes.

On the evening of
September 18, 1988,

something
extraordinary happened.

It will come back
to you very quickly.

Do you remember?

Yes.

I want you to try to
relive that experience.

[MOANING] Bobby.

Oh, Bobby.

DR. REYNOLDS: No need to go on.

Yes, Bobby!

Yes!

DR. REYNOLDS: Hey, hey.

Uh, Francesca,
Francesca, that's enough.

It's OK.

Listen, listen.

We want to move ahead a
couple days, to the 28th.

OK, the 28th.

You were with your boyfriend,
walking home from the movies.

OK.

And then you and your boyfriend,
James, had an argument

and you were walking alone.

OK.

What happened next?

Lights.

Bright lights.

All around me.

How do you feel?

I feel dizzy, and frightened.

Hands grabbing me, I can't
stand up, and I black out.

DR. REYNOLDS: Do you
remember waking up?

On a table.

Very scared.

Strange people
standing around me.

Bright light.

And they're holding
things, like tools.

Getting back to the 18th.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

That really wasn't necessary.

Oh, Bobby.

You were thinking
the same thing.

I most certainly was not.

Oh, you've been looking
for an opportunity like that

ever since Shirley left you.

Doctor, need I
remind you this is

a serious scientific experiment.

I will not tolerate
juvenile behavior.

Listen, it was
an honest mistake.

It looks like an 18 in my notes

Well, it's the 28th.

Learn to write.

Look at your notes,
it looks like the 23rd.

Oh.

Frank!

Frank!

I can't believe that's
shit, dog, I love that show.

You're Al Manac,
the reporter, huh?

Investigative journalist.

Like Geraldo and shit.

Yeah, I guess,
in some respects.

Getting all beat up
during interviews?

Well, in that respect, yes.

Now, let's join Al Manac, one
of our star investigators,

in the studio with a live report
brought to you in alien vision.

And I'm in the studio
today with Rich Bowler.

Bowler.

Bowler.

How you doing, Mr. bowler?

Who claims to have actually
photographed a UFO.

So what can you tell
us about the incident?

Well, some friends
of mine and myself

went down to the state
park for a picnic

and I brought along my camera.

And right in the
middle of everything

some really strange
things started happening.

Scared the [BLEEP]
out of everybody.

May we see the photos now?

Hell yeah, I didn't come
down here to wipe your

[BLEEP] for you.

OK.

Gees.

Here's Sylvester and
Martha and Pretty Boy Larry.

We were all having a pretty good
time till Larry nearly ruined

the day with his flatulence.

I don't know what
that boy was eating,

but it damn near
cleared out the park.

Here's the homeless guy that
Sylvester knifed in the gut.

[BLEEP]

I mean, he's a lot of
fun and all, Sylvester,

but he ain't too bright.

We all covered for him though.

Here's Bigfoot.

We just caught a glimpse of
him running through the trees.

They should have named
him big ass though.

Just look at that
thing, will you?

Ass the size of my kitchen.

Kind of reminds me of a girl
I beat the [BLEEP] out of.

Uh, I've been looking at
these photographs Mr. Bowler,

and I don't see anything
resembling a UFO.

I gotta build up
to it, you [BLEEP].

You don't want your viewers
to die of shock, do you?

I can't just throw
this evidence on them

without some sort
of [BLEEP] build up.

Think of the lawsuits,
you ignorant ass.

Of course, of course,
of course, you're right.

Anyway, here's
Elvis, the smoothest,

coolest, singing
[BLEEP] that ever

walked on this [BLEEP] planet.

Everybody thought he was dead,
but I found him living high

off the hog up in the birch tree
talking to the [BLEEP] birdies.

And now the evidence you've
all been waiting for,

an actual photo
of an alien craft

full of those little [BLEEP]
space men just waiting to hop

out and screw us all over.

Where is it?

It's behind the trees.

Behind the trees?

How are we supposed to see
if it's behind the trees?

Who do you think you're
talking to you [BLEEP] yo-yo?

I don't know, I ought to
break your damn neck for that.

[BLEEP] you're thinking
of calling me a liar and--

COMMANDER LYLE (ON
RADIO): Houston, Houston

we have a problem.

Houston, are you reading me?

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO):
We read you, Commander Hacker.

What is your problem?

COMMANDER LYLE (ON
RADIO): This is Lyle.

Commander Hacker was just
out-- he's doing his--

he's outside the shuttle
doing today's space walk.

He's trying to-- oh, god.

Oh, god.

MISSION CONTROL (ON
RADIO): Commander Lyle,

stay calm and tell
us what is happening.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON
RADIO): Commander

Hacker, he was out doing a space
walk and- and a ship hit him.

It was a big ship, real big.

Oh, god.

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO):
Commander Lyle, stay calm.

Did you say a ship?

COMMANDER LYLE (ON RADIO):
A ship, yeah, a UFO

man, a damn flying saucer.

It flew by real close
and Hacker's space suit

must have got caught
on the ship's antenna.

He's gone, man.

I can't believe it.

Commander Schultz and
Rodriguez are out there too

just shaking their heads.

They can't believe it either.

Oh, man.

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO):
Hold on, Commander Lyle.

We're bringing in
someone to advise.

Oh, and while we've got you
Lyle, we have some bad news.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON RADIO): What?

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO):
Your car was stolen last night.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON
RADIO): Oh, man.

What else could go wrong?

I can't believe it,
I cannot believe it.

Oh, man.

So you investigate like alien
dudes and space ships and shit?

That's one way to put it.

Damn dude, that's cool.

Yo, this dude knows
about space guys

and flying sauces and crap.

That's another way to put it.

That's a bunch of bullshit.

I was in the war, goddammit.

Yo, what's up with that
new chick reporter, man?

What's her name, the one
they brought on this season?

Christy Carmichael.

The network thought we
needed to add something

to boost the ratings,
so the producers came up

with a couple of things.

So then when I was
11 years old my mother

put me in the Little
Miss West Dundee contest

and I won first runner up.

I knew from that moment
that I was destined to have

a career in show business.

PRODUCER: OK, um,
Christy, we're ready.

Did you get the
close up already?

PRODUCER: Uh, yeah, got it.

OK, OK.

PRODUCER: OK, and three, two--

Hello, I'm Christy Carmichael
and I'm standing here today

with George Ogden of
Ogden Sky "Obstervasen--"

oh darn, I screwed it up.

PRODUCER: Cut.

Three, two--

Hello, I'm Christy
Carmichael and I'm

standing here today with
George Ogden of Ogden Sky

Systems, Observation Systems.

Oh, this is hard, and I'm
not even blonde anymore.

Hi, I'm Christy and I'm
standing here today with George

Olson of Ogden Sky--

PRODUCER: It's Ogden.

His name is Ogden.

Oh, shoot.

I'm so sorry Mr Olson.

PRODUCER: Ogden!

Sometimes I get really
excited about my work

and my heart just beats so fast
it gets hard to concentrate.

I see what you mean.

PRODUCER: Christy,
I have an idea.

[THEME MUSIC]

Hi, I'm Christy, and you are?

I'm George, George Ogden.

And what is that
you do, Mr Ogden?

I own Ogden Sky
Observation Systems.

And what is it
that you observe?

Well, what we do is make sky
scanning software that can

be used in conjunction with--

Ooh, that sounds technical.

You must be very smart.

Oh, well I don't
know about that.

Isn't it true that
you recently went

through a devastating divorce?

What?

All right, I want
to know one thing,

you've got to be
straight with me.

Yeah, what's that?

You news guys smoke
a lot of weed, right?

What?

I'm just fucking with you, dog.

Do you?

I can't speak for
everybody in the industry,

but as for myself,
absolutely not.

Come on, what about
Peter Jennings?

Well, he might.

All right, look, is
this shit for real?

I mean, like this show
you're on, is it serious?

Well, the producers
take it seriously.

I take it seriously.

But I have to admit there are
a few people on the show that

think a little differently.

After the break we
will answer the age

old question, what do
alien visitors do with all

that livestock genitalia.

So don't go away, we'll
be right back you stupid,

gullible fucks.

PRODUCER: OK, so we'll just edit
that last part out, shall we?

Hey, whatever.

It's your show.

Can I get some mouthwash?

Just saying those words
makes me feel like I've

been sucking someone's ass.

Good one, man.

Hey, hey, you're fucking fired.

And now it's time for this
week's celebrity alien report.

Uh yeah listen, I don't know
what you want from my life

really, but I'm a very busy man.

I've got things going on, I'm
working on my tour and stuff,

so I really don't have time to
be interviewed about aliens.

Not that I don't believe
in aliens, because I

do believe in aliens,
I just don't have time

to talk about it right now.

Aliens are a very big part of
my life, as a matter of fact.

I have many friends
in Los Angeles

that are of the alien race.

There's many different
species of aliens,

but I don't want to get into it
because it's all too confusing.

I mean, there's the
ones with six fingers,

there's the ones
with three heads,

there's the tall skinny
ones, the short, fat ones.

Everybody knows this.

There's Michael Jackson.

So I mean, there's really,
there's all different breeds,

you know.

Hello, my name is Dr. EG Nog.

I study the UFO
phenomenon full time,

and it was I who
developed the three levels

of encounters listed here.

Encounter type 1,
sighting a UFO.

Encounter type 2, physical
evidence left behind by a UFO,

and the third type, contact
with alien being from a UFO.

My original list actually
consisted of 10 levels

of encounters, but the
scientific community

only adopted the first three.

Now this has been
a sore spot with me

ever since, because as you can
see, the levels of encounters

become increasingly more
specific as you go along.

Why would they want encounter
type 1, a simple sighting, when

they could have encounter
type five, which is gently

rubbing an alien's flesh?

And why should, why
should physical evidence

be so important when they could
have encounter type six, where

an alien walks up
to you very nicely,

but then smashes you over
the head with a board.

Huh?

And finally the
clincher, encounter

type 3, contact with alien
beings, face to face meeting.

Big deal.

It can't hold a candle to
encounter type nine, where

aliens move into
your neighborhood

and they play the stereo so loud
that nobody can get any sleep.

Oh, my.

I'm sorry.

Look, write your congressman.

Tell them you want
all the facts.

Hell, I'm Al Manac.

I'm here at the National
Aeronautics and Space

Administration,
also known as NASA.

I'm here with Brian Johnson,
who's the new project leader

for the new Mars Rover program.

Hello, Brian.

Hey.

Uh Brian, I just got to ask.

You seem kind of young to be
in such a position of power.

Yeah, but I won the
contest, so here I am.

What contest?

You didn't see it?

It's the show on Fox
last spring, "Who

Wants to be a Project Leader."

That's where I've seen you?

That was for NASA?

Yeah.

I was also on a show called
"Who Wants to be a Criminal,"

but I lost that one.

Good thing too,
because the guy who won

is doing 10 years
in San Quentin.

OK, so you have no idea what
we're talking about here.

None whatsoever.

But I am signed up to do a
show next summer called "Who

Wants to Make Love to Madonna."

And the odds are pretty
good, because there's

supposed to be 150 winners.

I am just wasting my time here.

Pretty much, but I did
find this video in a drawer.

It's pretty crazy, you
might want to check it out.

Yeah.

[VCR NOISES]

COMPUTER: Malfunction.

Malfunction.

Malfunction.

This is Patrolman Midok, is
anyone receiving this signal?

COMPUTER: Malfunction.

This is patrolman Midok, I
have an emergency situation,

please respond.

COMPUTER: Malfunction.

I'm piloting a Max
II class control shop.

COMPUTER: Malfunction.

Computer, would
you shut up, please?

This is Patrolman Midok.

Is anyone receiving this signal?

This is Patrolman Midok, anyone
out there, please respond.

Ah, hello?

Yes, hello.

Hello, this is Patrolman Midok.

Are you receiving my signal?

Hello?

Yes, hello.

This is Patrolman Midok.

Can you respond?

Hello?

[LOUD SCREECHING]

Ah!

Yes, hello?

Hey, where are you going?

This is Patrolman Midok!

Ah, forget it.

Hello.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Oh, yes.

Do you acquire assistance?

Are you talking to me?

Uh, yes.

To whom am I speaking?

Finally.

This is Patrolman
Midok, piloting

a Max II class patrol vehicle.

During a random patrol
of the outer border

my vessel came under attack by
the Cartilage people of Urass.

Now, I took a direct hit.

I have computer malfunctions,
and my navigation unit is down.

Oh, man.

And to whom am I speaking?

Oh, I'm Ozzy Jaloppy.

And what is it that you do?

I'm a night duty person,
emergency navigational control.

Well, that's what I need.

I'm sending out a locator pulse.

Can you locate me?

I sure think, Patrolman Midol.

Midok.

Mi- dok.

Sorry, Patrolman Midok.

And which band is
your locator pulse on?

27b.

Really?

You know, that's my
apartment number.

Wow.

I'm not reading
anything, Patrolman Midok.

Is your pulse rate set
for distances this far?

I didn't know I
could adjust it.

I've never had to use it before.

Oh, yes.

Well see, they're
very distant specific.

How do I adjust the pulse?

Your Max II emergency manual
will give you instructions

for the adjustment.

Emergency manual?

I've got that thing packed
away in the cargo hold.

Oh, I love cargo holds.

My uncle used to keep me one.

What are you carrying?

Not much, a few containers
of urite minerals

and a shipment of
Hipherion cave rats.

I'm in a hurry.

My grandfather was bit
by a Hipherion cave rat.

He died in two weeks.

They're poisonous.

Oh, wait a minute.

Maybe I can access
your technical manual

from technical support.

What's your ship's code name.

I'm not supposed to give
out that information.

Well then, as mother
always used to tell me,

I can't help you.

All right.

Code name Muffin.

Don't say a word.

Accessing.

You're in uh, section 19, right?

Correct.

You're piloting a Max
II patrol ship, right?

Correct.

Code name Muffin?

Correct.

Got it.

Now, your L beam should
be set at five and 1/2

and your vector should
be hovering at .002.

It's on that setting now.

What?

Stand by.

Oh, OK.

Here you are.

Sorry about that, I was
looking at the wrong meter.

Is there anyone else
there I could speak to?

That's a negative, sir,
a skeleton crew here.

Everyone is at Colonel
Conway's promotion party.

I'm heading there
in a few minutes.

I'm bringing the vegetable dip.

COMPUTER: Take me
to your leader.

Oh, I've got your
coordinates here.

Are you listening?

Hanging on every word.

OK, can you hear me OK?

Yes, your signal is fine.

I'd better boost up
the signal, I think.

All right, go ahead,
you little bastard.

COMPUTER: Report to bridge.

[NO AUDIO]

Uh, hello?

Hello?

Hey, you cut the audio.

Hey stupid, you cut the audio.

There is no sound.

[HIGH PITCHED SCREECHING]

Ah!

Where you going?

Hey!

Well, can you believe this?

COMPUTER: Emergency.

High levels of radiation.

Sorry about that,
Patrolman Midok.

I was catching some
wicked feedback

and I had to get
myself another ice tea.

Now you listen to me.

Now you cut off all
the audio signals

and I didn't hear
a word you said.

I just got a sensor alert,
and I've got a ship out there

with the exact same
dimensions as the cargo

ship that attacked me earlier.

Now you get things together
down there, and you get me home.

What was that?

Urass!

The Cartilage people from Urass!

Yes sir, maybe I just point to
your position on a star chart.

You can do that?

Oh, yes sir.

Would you like me to do that?

Why not.

OK.

OK, I punch it up here.

You should have it on your
monitor in a few seconds.

OK, do you see it now?

No, I don't see it.

All right, wait a minute,
now I have something.

This is not the star chart.

Now what you should be
seeing now is System Four.

Do you see System Four?

No, no I don't.

I must be feeding
you the wrong signal.

What do you see?

I've been from one side of
this galaxy to the other,

and I can honestly say that I've
never seen anything like this.

Can you describe it?

No.

I've stopped all
video transmissions,

so if you're still
getting something

it's coming from
a nearby planet.

Hey, I've got to
get up for a second.

I've got to get some
more ice tea, OK.

[COUGHING]

COMPUTER: High
levels of radiation.

We are under attack.

[ALARM BLARING]

Hey Ozzy, Ozzy!

Hey, I've got a ship
right on my tail.

Are you with me?

It is confirmed.

It is the Cartilage vessel
that attacked me before.

It's signaling me,
telling me to-- not sure

what they're telling me, but
it doesn't sound friendly.

[NON-ENGLISH]

Something has just
exited the enemy's ship.

It's headed in my
general direction.

I'm not sure what it is.

It's kind of phallic shaped.

[NON ENGLISH SPEECH CONTINUES
OVER MONITOR]

Oh, my.

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

[FIRE CRACKLES]

[EXPLOSIONS]

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

Damn dude, that sounds freaky.

Yeah, unfortunately
that film was burned

by Los Angeles gang members.

But with my luck,
probably would have

turned out to be a fake anyway.

Yo, you see this dude?

[SOBBING]

He had two heart attacks
this morning, all right.

That, my friend is bad luck.

What about me, huh?

You think it's
easy for me working

this bar all day then go out
and sell joints out of my car

all night?

Shit.

I just said that
out loud, didn't I?

Yeah.

I was shot three fucking times.

I don't think
anybody heard you.

Anyway, what I'm saying
is everybody strikes

out a few times, bro.

You know, you just
gotta keep swinging,

because one of these days,
you're going to hit a home run.

Think so?

Hell, I don't know.

I heard that shit
on Oprah last week.

But if I was a space dude
with issues that's the show

I want to be on.

Have you ever wondered
about the size of our galaxy?

No?

Well, it's big.

And here to help us
understand just how big

is noted professor of
agriculture, Robert Foster.

PRODUCER: Cut.

Is this shit right?

Let's say you have a pickle.

Now this pickle represents
our solar system

and the seeds inside the pickle
represent the heavenly bodies

in our solar system.

Now, if all solar systems
can be represented

by a pickle about this size and
our pickle was in a warehouse

in Clarksdale, Mississippi,
then the nearest star

with a possible
solar system would

be located in a water
treatment plant just

outside of Memphis, Tennessee.

This means our Milky Way galaxy
would require a pickle patch

as large as the United States.

And we even stretch into Canada,
just short of where my brother

had his car accident.

Now in this area there are
literally billions of pickles.

How likely is it that our
pickle is the only pickle

that contains a seed with life?

You see, it is far
more likely that we

live in a pickle patch
with life teeming

inside a great many pickles.

[THEME MUSIC]

MISSION CONTROL (ON
RADIO): Commander Lyle,

are you with us?

COMMANDER LYLE (ON RADIO):
Where you guys been?

It came back.

The ship came back.

It go Rodriquez.

It also knocked Schultz
away from the shuttle

and snapped his line.

He's just floating
out there, man.

He's like, he's trying
to swim back to the ship.

It ain't helping him, though.

Man, he's looking
stupid out there.

MISSION CONTROL (ON
RADIO): Commander

Lyle, Professor Karl Grubbles is
on his way to the control room.

He is an expert on
sunspot activity.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON
RADIO): Sunspot activity?

What's he going to do?

I ain't got sunspots, man.

I got UFOs.

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO): He
studies UFOs in his spare time.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON RADIO):
Well, get him in there, man.

Oh, god.

MISSION CONTROL (ON
RADIO): Commander Lyle.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON RADIO): Yeah?

MISSION CONTROL (ON
RADIO): We've just then

been informed that
Professor Grubbles

is stock in the elevator.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON
RADIO): Oh, man!

I can't believe it!

I, I cannot believe it.

What are you people
doing down there?

Yo man, I'm listening
to your words,

but I ain't hearing what
you're saying, all right?

Because if there's
all this evidence,

how come the government
don't know about it?

The government
does know about it.

The government has
the biggest stockpile

of evidence in existence,
besides Crispin Glover.

That's not a fair
comparison, because the odds

are that Crispin Glover
actually is from another planet.

Yeah, I'll buy that.

[ALARM BLARING]

This is truly an important
day for all the UFO

seekers around the globe.

[BUGLE CALL IN THE DISTANCE]

I'm at, uh, I can't
give that location out,

but I'm at a secret military
base that has been assigned

the task of
gathering information

from every reported encounter
with alien visitors.

This operation has been
active for over 30 years

and is planet wide.

Overseeing the operation
is Major Marion Marco.

I just have to ask, Major Marco,
why the sudden need to get

this information here
gathered out to the people?

Times are changing, son.

I can remember a time when alien
snot balls kept pretty much

to themselves, only the
occasional abduction or cattle

mutilation to worry about.

But in the last five
years, alien abductions

are up nearly 70%.

Instead of staying up in
the sky where they belong,

these booger munchers are
trying to penetrate, manipulate

our basic way of life.

I'm not having it.

I'm going to make
available to you

some of the most
mucous moving film

footage you've ever been exposed
to in your short, meaningless

life.

The film is of an aircraft
taking off from a mountaintop

in Siberia in 1948.

You can see one of them spit
sucking aliens real good.

I've had a film analyst
tell me he's carrying

a set of horse testicles.

But just between
you and me I'd say

it looks more like
pig testicles,

but who am I to
argue with experts?

HANS MORRISON: The
first thing we do

is examine the film
stock to make sure

that it was
available in the time

that they claim that the film
was shot, which in this case

was 1948, I believe.

The film stock was quite
available at that time.

So we don't suspect foul play.

And oh, Phillip!

Phillip, come and look at this.

Look at this, look
at these testicles.

They're massive.

Phillip, could you--
are they-- are there

any more of those Girl
Scout Cookies left?

Oh, yes.

OK.

No, no, the Thin
Mints, the Thin Mints

if you have the Thin Mints.

Thank you.

OK, now in this shot
we-- no Thin Mints?

I'll tell you son, once you've
seen that film footage you'll

want to wrap your own
guts around a stick,

but that's just the beginning
of what I've got to show you.

Well Major, what are you
and the rest of the military

prepared to do if these
aliens turn out to be hostile?

Oh, we know they're hostile
all right, or at the very least

extremely sarcastic.

Well, aren't you worried
that our technology may not

be a match for them if they
have a full fledged invasion

against us?

Cowards like you
are the reasons

I go to bars and start fights.

I've got another film
I'll make available to you

that will make you
want to rip out

your own kneecaps with pride.

It's a prime example of human
beings rising to the occasion

when adversity flashes
its swollen privates.

It shows a small
Christmas get together

in 1974 that was nearly
destroyed by an alien invasion.

[EXPLOSION IN THE DISTANCE]

[MUSIC - "GOOD KING WENCESLAS"]

[ALARMS BLARING]

Are you developing any
kind of defensive measures?

You want to know in
an honest to goodness

attack do we have
firepower powerful enough

to grab the aliens by
their scruffy little necks

and rub their ugly faces
in their own vomit.

Well, yes.

The answer to your question is
no, we don't have anything that

will do that, but we are
working on something that

will be just as embarrassing.

Do you mind if I
ask you what all

the excitement is around here?

I'm not sure, but I am sure
I have a piece of evidence

that will slit your nipples.

HANS MORRISON: Now, when
we get a film like this

we always assume that it
is a fake until something

proves us otherwise.

This film was shot in the
late 1950s, I believe.

And uh, I've seen
several like this.

Oh, Phillip!

Phillip look.

Look, Phillip look.

We went from large
testicles to no testicles.

That's funny, no?

No testicles.

Hey, what's up, dog?

Hey, man.

I need the usual.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, I love this
guy, always hooks me up

with a nice fat sack of
this beautiful, kind bud.

Hey man, this ain't the usual.

Does this smell right, man?

How would I know.

I need the usual stuff, man.

Man, what is this, man?

I need the usual
man, the good shit.

That is the usual plus.

Oh, yeah that's what I
love about this guy, man.

He always hooks you up good.

The time has come
again for this week's

celebrity alien report.

Have you ever tried
having sex with one?

Forget about it.

They got many different areas.

You don't even want to
find out where they belong.

It's scary.

Leave me alone, I got to go.

I'm out of here.

The light just came
up over these hills.

We thought it was a
helicopter at first,

but it wasn't very loud,
just a low humming sound.

Yeah, helicopters
are usually louder.

It wasn't that loud at all, so--

Why do you always
have to do that?

Do what?

Every time I'm telling
a story you just jump in.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Just shut up for a minute and
then you can tell your side.

Sorry.

This is where the
light came lower.

It looked like it was
blocking the road.

You could tell it couldn't
have been too big either.

I mean, the trees are pretty
close together down-- sorry.

We drive down this road about
half a dozen times each year,

so I remember exactly
when it happened.

It was the night
Mitch proposed to me.

She said no.

We just parked the car and
watched for about 10 minutes.

Why do you have to
tell people that?

Is it anybody's business?

Sorry.

You're a real
prick, you know that.

Ah, shit!

I'm waiting in the car.

Ah!

COMMANDER LYLE (ON
RADIO): Houston!

Come in, Houston.

Houston, for god's
sake, come in!

MISSION CONTROL 2 (ON
RADIO): This is Houston.

Go ahead, Commander Hacker.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON
RADIO): This is Lyle!

I already told you.

What the hell is
going on down there?

I told you an hour
ago, Hacker is gone.

Rodriquez is gone.

And they just came
back for Schultz.

MISSION CONTROL 2 (ON RADIO):
Uh, sorry Commander Lyle,

nobody told me anything.

We just had our shift change.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON
RADIO): Oh, man!

What is wrong with
you people down there?

They're going to
come after me next.

Where is Professor Grubbles?

MISSION CONTROL
2 (ON RADIO): Uh,

Professor Grubbles was
found dead in the elevator

not 20 minutes ago.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON
RADIO): Oh, man!

MISSION CONTROL 2 (ON
RADIO): Uh, Commander Lyle,

did you hear about your car?

Yeah, I can't believe it.

MISSION CONTROL 2 (ON RADIO):
They think it was your fiance.

Someone says they saw her drive
off in it with another guy.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON
RADIO): Good god!

This is the single worst
day I have ever had.

Oh, man.

This is unbelievable.

Excuse me.

Are your restrooms in the back?

Straight back, end of the hall.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

And there are no video
cameras in the heating vents.

What?

Nothing.

Hey, have you ever done
a story on Roswell?

Roswell, New Mexico?

Yeah, you know where that
space ship crashed like in 1947.

You ever been there?

Sort of.

God, nobody's going to
believe this is New Mexico.

Now wasn't that fantastic?

And now this.

[URINATING]

Oh, we're ready?

All right.

See, me and Ralph was
fishing at this lake

when a small craft, about
the size of my mobile home,

came up over them
tree tops over there.

This beam of light
flashed out of it.

It was really something to see.

Then real sudden like
these two spaceman--

and I knew that's
what they was, they

was spacemen-- they came running
up and they grabbed Ralph.

They dragged him off
into that clearing.

Then that light hit them
again and they was gone.

Tell you what,
man, they startled

me so bad I almost left.

I stuck with it, caught
me a few more fish.

Nothing worth keeping really.

So I was packing up, getting
ready to go when I heard

this loud clap of thunder.

Looked up, I saw Ralph
falling through them trees,

hitting every branch
all the way down.

He had a bad cut on his cheek
and his wrist was broke.

He was shook up, but overall
in pretty good shape.

We ate at Manny's.

Me and Ralph was
hunting squirrels

in this general area when we
heard this great rush of air.

And we looked up, saw that ship.

It was the same one
we ran into before.

A white flash of
light came out of it.

Ralph just started
running from the Jeep.

These two space guys appeared
right in front of him

and wrestled him to the ground.

Then that light hit them
again and they was gone.

Tell you what, it scared me
so bad I had to sit right down

and have me a beer
right there on the spot.

I got pretty lucky
after that, though.

Caught me six more squirrels.

Then I heard this funny
little ringing sound.

I wasn't quite sure
what it was at first.

It just turned out
to be somebody's

pet cat had a little bell on
its collar, so I shot it too.

Then I heard that
thunder clap again,

and Ralph hit the ground.

He had a concussion,
dislocated shoulder.

Nothing too serious.

So we pitched camp and ate
a few of the squirrels.

In a moment of confusion
Ralph ate the cat.

Something was
nibbling on my butt.

Me and Ralph was on this
weekend hiking trip you know,

throwing rocks at
campers and whatnot.

We saw that same ship come up
over them bluffs over there.

Ralph just started cussing
and heading off down the path

when this big space guy
appeared in front of him

and clotheslined him right
there at the bottom of the hill.

Took him down real quick.

Then that light hit them
again and they was gone.

I was pretty used
to it by now, so I

just built me a little cooking
fire and broke out the Spam.

I'd ate me about a
can and a half spam

when I heard that
clap of thunder.

So I looked up and
around to see where

Ralph would hit the ground at.

Saw him coming down
those bluffs over there.

His jaw and legs was broke,
and I was pretty sure he

had some internal injuries.

So I finished up my
other can of spam

and took him straight
to the emergency room.

He pulled through though,
he's a real trooper.

I don't know what's gotten
into him lately, though.

He just don't want to
seem to do anything.

Guys might want to be careful,
you're standing in poison oak,

there.

My first sexual experience,
I was 12 years old,

Shawnee Pines Youth Camp.

Ruth Ann was 14.

Vacuum cleaner was brand new.

What the hell are
you talking about?

What?

Oh, shit.

I was shot three fucking times.

Excuse me, um, I don't
want to alarm anyone,

but there's a guy
laying in the hall.

You might want to call 911.

I mean, he's not even breathing.

Oh, thanks.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, right.

Yep, this is where
we keep him, Mr.

Manac, down here in the deepest,
darkest pit of this facility.

We have to,
otherwise he'd insight

a riot with his wild stories.

Yeah, this guy is crazy as a--

What?

Crazy as--

Yeah, he's crazy as a-- uh.

Is he dangerous?

Dangerous?

This guy wants to know
if he's dangerous.

You want to know
if he's dangerous?

Yeah.

No, not really.

He's just crazy as shit.

I mean, you know,
he's really crazy.

Yeah, he talks a
lot of crazy shit.

Crazy shit, but I guess
you already knew that

or else you wouldn't be here.

Well, my boss wants the
story right from his lips.

Oh, you'll get a
story all right.

Yeah, a crazy story.

Crazy.

Crazy man, this is crazy shit.

Can we just go down now?

Is that all right?

Absolutely.

Rodney, you got a visitor.

Get the hell out of here, man.

[LAUGHING]

Get that damn light
out of my face, man.

Don't be like that, Rodney.

This guy came a
long way to see you.

[LAUGHING]

Come on, we even brought
you something to wear.

Get out of here with that
shit, you honky, dick-bellied,

peckerwood.

Is that thing necessary?

No, but it's a lot of fun.

Let-- let me go.

Let me go.

Calm down, Rodney, god.

This reporter just wants
to ask you a few questions.

Reporter?

Why didn't you say so?

So you are a reporter?

From where?

I'm Al Manac from the
television show "The Search

for Intelligent Life."

Oh, oh, man.

That show sucks.

Yeah, it does.

But I really want to hear
your story from your own lips

in your own words.

What do I get?

You get to be on the show.

I told you, that show sucks.

How about a pack of cigarettes?

Deal.

What do you want
to know, white boy?

I want to hear your story.

OK, I was hitching a
ride across Mississippi

and some aliens attacked
me, but I got away.

That's it?

What the fuck, did you
think you were going

to turn it into a musical?

That's what happened.

Easy, Rodney.

Did he say you were
going to be on the show?

No.

Then shut the fuck up, cracker.

So what do these
aliens look like?

Hard to explain.

They were quite horrible.

I can draw them if
the Dukes of Hazzard

here will let me out
of this damn thing.

Last time I did that you
punched me in the nuts.

And you deserved it too, honky.

I can draw in with my teeth.

There's no end to a
black man's talents.

Give me some paper, white boy.

Hello.

Hello.

You're that guy
from the alien show.

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

You do a good job.

I do?

But the show blows.

I'm Elania Hoffman.

Al Manac.

You're with that program.

"Nation View News."

How's that going for you?

Well, it beats running around
looking for flying dinner

plates, I'll tell you that.

No offense.

Of course.

Your show is just
entertainment, barely.

"Nation View News" investigates
contemporary moral issues

with hard hitting investigative
journalism and a rigorous zeal

for fact finding.

That's quite a pitch.

God, who am I kidding?

That's a super sized
load of bullshit.

Look, I'm just a working girl
trying to advance in my field.

I do what I have to do in
a male dominated industry.

But if I have to sleep with
one more executive just

to get a decent pay
raise I'm going to shoot

some limp dicked bastard.

Does anyone work
in here or what?

Yeah, he's in the back.

I think some guy might
have died back there.

Good.

So why don't you
tell your producers

that you want to stop chasing
these fictional stories

and do something with real bite?

You've got to grow up some time.

What about women's issues?

Do you have an opinion on that?

Well, there was this one time.

This is a really unusual
situation for me.

I've never interviewed
like this before.

I can't seem to
find my questions.

But regarding life
in outer space--

Shut up.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Do you know who we are?

Who are we, girls?

CROWD: Women for Worlds United.

Women for Worlds United.

That's right.

And we didn't come down here
to be interrogated by no man!

I thought you
asked me down here.

Shut up!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Do you want to know what
Women for Worlds United

thinks about contact
with alien visitors?

Women for Worlds United thinks
there will be no contact as

long as that
dim-witted warmongering

males of this planet are
in positions of power.

And you?

Are you asking me?

Shut up!

[CROWD CHEERING]

But--

Shut up.

Tear him up, sister.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Any self-respecting
alien with any wisdom

whatsoever would look down
on this planet and say,

this sucks.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Any clear thinking alien
with an ounce of intelligence

would behold our
planet and wonder

how have these mindless human
males survived this long.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Any destiny minded
alien with any hope

for the future of
the universe should

come down here right
now and blast you men

into little charred fragments!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Thanks for your
time, I got to run.

If you can't take the heat,
get back in the kitchen

where you kept us so
long, you bastard!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Damn, that's a good story.

I thought you
might like that one.

Well, I don't
have time to wait.

I have to give a
blow job in an hour.

I need some extra vacation days.

If you ever get tired
of watching the skies,

why don't you come on over
to "Nation View News."

We keep track of the world
so you won't have to.

God, I hate my life.

Jesus.

Hey, honey, what are
you doing tonight?

Yo, she just deck that dude?

Yep.

Weird.

So can I get your another?

No, no it's OK.

Hey, is that guy OK back there?

Oh, Marty?

Yeah he's usually only
dead for a few seconds.

He'll be back.

OK.

So listen, I been thinking.

I'm good with people, right?

I ask good questions, right?

Sure, yeah.

All right now, listen.

I believe in this alien
shit, dog, all right.

So why don't I try to
do what you're doing?

You're just what
the show needs.

Hell yeah, dog, I knew it.

Yeah, all right.

So you can put in a
good word for me, right?

As many words as you need.

Fuckin' A, dude.

Yes.

All right.

So tell me about the
people you work with.

Oh, do I have to?

Albert.

Can I have a word with you?

Actually Larry, I'm working on
this midget transvestite crop

circle thing and I really don't
have the time, I've got to go.

Oh, nonsense.

It will only take a minute.

Albert, I'd like you
to meet Dick Skyward.

Mr. Skyward.

Oh, please call me Dick.

I'm sure I will.

Larry, what's this all about?

Albert, have a seat.

Albert, Dick is a new employee.

He's also a psychic.

I think he might be able to
help out on your investigations.

Whoa, whoa Larry.

No offense to you, but
I've always worked alone

and I just don't
believe in psychics.

Horse crap.

I've seen Dick in action.

He's the real deal.

And I asked around
and I was repeatedly

told that if I wanted
results I would only

be happy with Dick Skyward.

I can read a person's thoughts,
given enough time and money.

And that's why he needs
to be out there with you,

so he can tell if people
are telling the truth

or lying to your
face immediately.

If someone is lying to you
then I'll know it, and then bam.

Bam?

Bam.

What the hell is "bam?"

Well, it's you know,
"bam," they're lying.

And then what, we don't
let them on the show?

What?

Of course we do.

I mean, if I took all
the liars off this show

I'd have nothing but
an hour of Max Harmon.

Ooh.

Hello, and welcome to
the "Max Harmon Hour."

I'm your host, Max Harmon.

Today I'm going to share with
you one of my favorite hobbies,

the ancient art of origami.

Now origami is a lot of fun
and a great stress reliever.

Today I'm going to show
you a quick example

that you can try at home.

Now you take an 8 1/2
by 11 sheet of paper.

There are all kinds of animals
that you can make with origami.

You can make an elephant,
a horse, a kumquat,

but today I'm going to share
with you one of my favorites.

[PAPER RUSTLING]

The bird.

Actually, I may have something
there, maybe for Showtime.

I just don't see the point.

Albert, I'm going
to level with you.

The quality of your work
is slipping, slipping.

Your material is suffering.

I'm the only one who cares
about the damn material.

Yes.

Yes what?

Yes.

I want you to take Dick
out in the field with you.

Show him the ropes.

Take Dick in hand.

I don't want to.

I do want you to.

-No.
-Yes.

No.

Yes.

Wait, I'm sensing something.

What is it?

Tension.

Eh?

Did I tell You he's amazing.

That'll be $50.

Are you a believer now, Albert?

Oh, yeah.

I believe.

I believe I'll leave.

Albert.

I will have my way on this one.

Now you're angry.

Damn boy, you're
going to clean me out.

Excuse me, Max.

Al, I'm glad you ran into me.

What is this shit that
you're giving me to air?

I'm really not
in the mood, Max.

Oh, oh, oh, you're not, huh?

Well, let me tell
you the kind of mood

that I'm in when I have to
air some of the segments.

I feel like I'm out
there in the breeze,

swinging like a
monkey's nut sack.

I don't know if
it's going to work

or it's going to be a
complete disappointment

like last night's hooker.

You should write
children's book.

Shut the fuck up.

I know you have
some, some little bit

of control over these stories.

What are you working on now?

Actually, I'm working on this
midget transvestite who found

some crop circles down south.

That's pretty good.

I like that.

Let's go with it.

You're Max Harmon.

Now let's visit
the UFO Research

Laboratory in Houston, Texas.

Golly, what fun.

Welcome, my name is
Electric Sammy, director

of the UFO Research Laboratory.

Our job here is to collect
physical evidence left

behind by alien visitation.

This jacket was
worn by a man who

was abducted and actually taken
aboard an alien ship in March

of 1984.

Fascinating.

This wallet was
found in a heavily

forested area in Indiana.

You can see the slight burn
marks on the one side here.

We feel the owner
was incinerated

by alien weapons of some kind.

And to show just how clever
these non-human intelligence

can be, they removed
all identification.

This is a tape recorder that
actually captured the sounds

of an alien craft landing in
a wheat field in southern Ohio

earlier this year.

The tape, however,
was never found.

We feel there may have been
some alien intervention there as

well.

I am in hell.

Is this hell?

Is that what this is?

I just want to know where I
am, that's all, because-- no,

this definitely hell.

I got to tell you, dude, this
has been the most interesting

day I've had since I
got my nipples pierced,

only with less itching.

I honestly don't know
what to say about that.

Hey man, I'm going to use the
can before I start my shift.

Sure thing.

Watch out for Marty back there.

Is he dead again?

All right, it's
five o'clock, dude.

Time for me to hit the streets.

You got a card or something?

Yeah, sure.

All right, I'm going
to call you, dude.

Me and you, we're going to
be a hell of a team, dog.

Hell is the word for it.

You rock, bro.

Thank you for the
coffee, Colonel Fleeton.

Not at all.

Are you nervous?

A little.

I haven't talked
about this before.

We don't go live very often.

I'm a little nervous,
but I think I'll be OK.

PRODUCER: OK, we're
set to go live

for a "Search for Intelligent
Life Special Report""

in five, four, three, two--

[THEME MUSIC]

Colonel Fleeton, may
I call you Timothy?

That's fine.

Or do you prefer just Tim?

No, no, Timothy.

OK.

I didn't know since Timothy
sounds a little feminine.

So Timothy, you are a
former officer for our Air

Force, not our Air
Force, but you know,

the United States Air Force.

Yes, I served from
1965 until 1980.

Wow, that's so cool.

My mom always said that Air
Force guys made great lovers

because they really
knew how to use

the stick between their legs.

Do you think that is true?

I can't say.

So Colonel Fleeton, you say
that on numerous occasions

while flying around or whatever,
you saw some of those-- what

do you call them-- UFO things.

Yes I was witness to
several strange occurrences

that I made full reports of.

Later, the government classified
those documents and they

have until this very date--

This is really good coffee.

Did you make it?

No.

Oh darn, I spilled.

It's OK, I can keep going.

Let me just get this off.

So Colonel Fleeton, what do
you think these objects are?

Well, my breast guess is that
they're foreign in nature.

Oh, did I spill on that too?

Let me just slip this off.

Please continue.

Well um, when I
questioned my supervisors,

I received a reprimand that
nearly killed my career.

It went on--

PRODUCER: Cut.

OK, we're out.

What the hell?

That's it?

Thank you for your
time, Colonel Fleeton.

Thank god.

Oh, It's cold in here.

Thank you, Christy for
that wonderful report.

Ah, now, let's check in with
Al Manac live in the field.

Al--

[GUNSHOT]

MAX HARMON: Al?

[GUNSHOT]

MAX HARMON: Al?

MISSION CONTROL (ON
RADIO): Commander Lyle,

are you reading me?

COMMANDER LYLE (ON
RADIO): (WHISPERING) Shh.

Be quiet, they're back.

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO):
Say again, Commander Lyle,

say again.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON
RADIO): (WHISPERING)

I said be quiet, be quiet.

They're right outside.

Stop transmitting.

MISSION CONTROL (ON
RADIO): You're coming

in very faint, Commander Lyle.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON RADIO):
Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Stop transmitting,
they're listening for me.

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO):
Say again, Commander Lyle,

say again.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON
RADIO): Oh, god!

Here they come.

Oh, you really did it
now, you jackasses.

I can't believe it.

Yeah, here they come.

There's Hacker's helmet.

Oh, god!

What a day!

What a day!

Oh!

Sorry.

I got a swollen prostate.

No problem.

The hell it ain't!

Look, I know who you are, and
I got something to tell you.

Hey listen, I had long day.

I got to get out of here.

I got to go back to my office.

I've been abducted by aliens.

I see.

They're mean-ass bastards.

Well, there have been reports.

And now I'm going to
tell you all about it.

Don't feel you have
to if it's private.

I never told
anyone, but I'm going

to tell you now because you're
the one who will believe me.

I am.

You are.

It all started
in a public toilet

in Grand Central Station.

Oh, god.

The grey bastards ambushed
me in the third stall.

Not the green ones,
they grey ones.

They're the mean ones.

They implanted this
right in my ass cheek.

I would have never
known it was there,

but Brian noticed when we
was-- well, what do you think?

You may have something here.

You think so?

You think it's a
beacon so that they can

call me back for more tests?

Ah, the dirty
bastards, I knew it.

[SOBBING]

Do you mind if I keep this?

It's yours.

[SOBBING]

[GASPING]

I'll be, I'll be
back in a minute.

I'm having some chest pains.

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO):
Commander Lyle, Commander Lyle,

are you there?

We have Dr. Nathan
Gombe on his way over.

He's the world's
foremost authority

on North American wildlife.

Commander Lyle,
are you reading us?

You look very familiar.

Ah, shit.

What I say?

[HUMMING]

Good god, no!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What have I done to you?