Space Daze (2005) - full transcript

Al Manac (James Vallo) plays an investagative reporter searching for the exsistance of space aliens on earth.

[THEME MUSIC]

What the fuck are

you looking at?

Son of a bitch.

Don't fucking look at me.

Yo.

Yo, man.

You're gonna be OK.

All right?

It's a new day.

Come on.

[SOBBING]

Come on, pull it together, dog.

All right.

It'll be OK.

What's up, dog,

what're you having?

Uh, just gimme a beer.

Brand?

Whatever you got on tap's fine.

[SIGHS]

Ain't that bad, is it?

I'm just having a bad day.

Yo, you see that

guy down there?

[WEEPING]

That guy is having a bad day.

Well then, I guess it's

just a day for bad days.

What's your story, dog?

I'm actually thinking

of quitting my job.

Fucking A, do it.

Screw those cheap bastards.

You don't even know what I do.

Doesn't matter.

Get those assholes off

your back once and for,

you go to work for yourself.

It's the only way to make a

decent living in this town

today.

You thinks so?

Absolutely.

Walk out the door, slap that

boss man across his fat face,

you tell him to kiss your ass.

Well, that might affect

my severance package.

You know what, dog?

You look familiar.

Yeah, have you seen the

television show, "The Search

for Intelligent Life"?

[THEME MUSIC]

Welcome to this week's

edition of "The Search

for Intelligent Life."

I'm your host, Max Harmon.

Think for a moment,

what would an encounter

with alien visitors be like?

The following testimonials

from people just

like you may give us a clue?

Yeah, I was on my way back

to my mother in law's house

when I had to urinate real bad.

It was late and I didn't

see no other cars,

so I parked on the

side of the road

here and started urinating

in the grass over there.

Then three of them came running

across the field right at me.

But turned out

they was Shriners.

They scared the hell

out of me just the same.

Excuse me, sir,

but what would you

do if UFOs landed on the

White House lawn tomorrow?

Look I don't know

about that, but I

do know that if I don't

ever kick this coke habit,

I'm never going to be strong

enough to tell my wife that I'm

cheating on her with

my secretary or confess

to arson fires on

the south side.

Is that thing on?

Oh yeah, I was abducted.

But you know, I didn't mind.

I don't know what I

would have done of Chuck

Norris hadn't shown up.

I was abducted and

taken aboard a space

vessel in the fall of 1988.

I don't remember

too much about it,

but I have made arrangements to

undergo a session of hypnosis

in order to pull the

memories from me.

Hello.

I'm Dr. Reynolds, and this

is my associate, Dr. McGee.

We're here today to place

the subject, Francesca,

into a state of hypnosis,

in order that she can

recall memories about

an incident that

occurred several years ago.

And we've interviewed

Francesca on several occasions

before this session, and believe

her to be honest in her claim

that she was abducted

by non-human entities.

It appears the subject

is sufficiently under,

so let's begin.

Francesca, I want you

to go back in time.

I want you to go back

approximately seven years

to the evening of

September 18, 1988.

Can you do that for me?

Yes.

On the evening of

September 18, 1988,

something

extraordinary happened.

It will come back

to you very quickly.

Do you remember?

Yes.

I want you to try to

relive that experience.

[MOANING] Bobby.

Oh, Bobby.

DR. REYNOLDS: No need to go on.

Yes, Bobby!

Yes!

DR. REYNOLDS: Hey, hey.

Uh, Francesca,

Francesca, that's enough.

It's OK.

Listen, listen.

We want to move ahead a

couple days, to the 28th.

OK, the 28th.

You were with your boyfriend,

walking home from the movies.

OK.

And then you and your boyfriend,

James, had an argument

and you were walking alone.

OK.

What happened next?

Lights.

Bright lights.

All around me.

How do you feel?

I feel dizzy, and frightened.

Hands grabbing me, I can't

stand up, and I black out.

DR. REYNOLDS: Do you

remember waking up?

On a table.

Very scared.

Strange people

standing around me.

Bright light.

And they're holding

things, like tools.

Getting back to the 18th.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

That really wasn't necessary.

Oh, Bobby.

You were thinking

the same thing.

I most certainly was not.

Oh, you've been looking

for an opportunity like that

ever since Shirley left you.

Doctor, need I

remind you this is

a serious scientific experiment.

I will not tolerate

juvenile behavior.

Listen, it was

an honest mistake.

It looks like an 18 in my notes

Well, it's the 28th.

Learn to write.

Look at your notes,

it looks like the 23rd.

Oh.

Frank!

Frank!

I can't believe that's

shit, dog, I love that show.

You're Al Manac,

the reporter, huh?

Investigative journalist.

Like Geraldo and shit.

Yeah, I guess,

in some respects.

Getting all beat up

during interviews?

Well, in that respect, yes.

Now, let's join Al Manac, one

of our star investigators,

in the studio with a live report

brought to you in alien vision.

And I'm in the studio

today with Rich Bowler.

Bowler.

Bowler.

How you doing, Mr. bowler?

Who claims to have actually

photographed a UFO.

So what can you tell

us about the incident?

Well, some friends

of mine and myself

went down to the state

park for a picnic

and I brought along my camera.

And right in the

middle of everything

some really strange

things started happening.

Scared the [BLEEP]

out of everybody.

May we see the photos now?

Hell yeah, I didn't come

down here to wipe your

[BLEEP] for you.

OK.

Gees.

Here's Sylvester and

Martha and Pretty Boy Larry.

We were all having a pretty good

time till Larry nearly ruined

the day with his flatulence.

I don't know what

that boy was eating,

but it damn near

cleared out the park.

Here's the homeless guy that

Sylvester knifed in the gut.

[BLEEP]

I mean, he's a lot of

fun and all, Sylvester,

but he ain't too bright.

We all covered for him though.

Here's Bigfoot.

We just caught a glimpse of

him running through the trees.

They should have named

him big ass though.

Just look at that

thing, will you?

Ass the size of my kitchen.

Kind of reminds me of a girl

I beat the [BLEEP] out of.

Uh, I've been looking at

these photographs Mr. Bowler,

and I don't see anything

resembling a UFO.

I gotta build up

to it, you [BLEEP].

You don't want your viewers

to die of shock, do you?

I can't just throw

this evidence on them

without some sort

of [BLEEP] build up.

Think of the lawsuits,

you ignorant ass.

Of course, of course,

of course, you're right.

Anyway, here's

Elvis, the smoothest,

coolest, singing

[BLEEP] that ever

walked on this [BLEEP] planet.

Everybody thought he was dead,

but I found him living high

off the hog up in the birch tree

talking to the [BLEEP] birdies.

And now the evidence you've

all been waiting for,

an actual photo

of an alien craft

full of those little [BLEEP]

space men just waiting to hop

out and screw us all over.

Where is it?

It's behind the trees.

Behind the trees?

How are we supposed to see

if it's behind the trees?

Who do you think you're

talking to you [BLEEP] yo-yo?

I don't know, I ought to

break your damn neck for that.

[BLEEP] you're thinking

of calling me a liar and--

COMMANDER LYLE (ON

RADIO): Houston, Houston

we have a problem.

Houston, are you reading me?

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO):

We read you, Commander Hacker.

What is your problem?

COMMANDER LYLE (ON

RADIO): This is Lyle.

Commander Hacker was just

out-- he's doing his--

he's outside the shuttle

doing today's space walk.

He's trying to-- oh, god.

Oh, god.

MISSION CONTROL (ON

RADIO): Commander Lyle,

stay calm and tell

us what is happening.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON

RADIO): Commander

Hacker, he was out doing a space

walk and- and a ship hit him.

It was a big ship, real big.

Oh, god.

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO):

Commander Lyle, stay calm.

Did you say a ship?

COMMANDER LYLE (ON RADIO):

A ship, yeah, a UFO

man, a damn flying saucer.

It flew by real close

and Hacker's space suit

must have got caught

on the ship's antenna.

He's gone, man.

I can't believe it.

Commander Schultz and

Rodriguez are out there too

just shaking their heads.

They can't believe it either.

Oh, man.

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO):

Hold on, Commander Lyle.

We're bringing in

someone to advise.

Oh, and while we've got you

Lyle, we have some bad news.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON RADIO): What?

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO):

Your car was stolen last night.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON

RADIO): Oh, man.

What else could go wrong?

I can't believe it,

I cannot believe it.

Oh, man.

So you investigate like alien

dudes and space ships and shit?

That's one way to put it.

Damn dude, that's cool.

Yo, this dude knows

about space guys

and flying sauces and crap.

That's another way to put it.

That's a bunch of bullshit.

I was in the war, goddammit.

Yo, what's up with that

new chick reporter, man?

What's her name, the one

they brought on this season?

Christy Carmichael.

The network thought we

needed to add something

to boost the ratings,

so the producers came up

with a couple of things.

So then when I was

11 years old my mother

put me in the Little

Miss West Dundee contest

and I won first runner up.

I knew from that moment

that I was destined to have

a career in show business.

PRODUCER: OK, um,

Christy, we're ready.

Did you get the

close up already?

PRODUCER: Uh, yeah, got it.

OK, OK.

PRODUCER: OK, and three, two--

Hello, I'm Christy Carmichael

and I'm standing here today

with George Ogden of

Ogden Sky "Obstervasen--"

oh darn, I screwed it up.

PRODUCER: Cut.

Three, two--

Hello, I'm Christy

Carmichael and I'm

standing here today with

George Ogden of Ogden Sky

Systems, Observation Systems.

Oh, this is hard, and I'm

not even blonde anymore.

Hi, I'm Christy and I'm

standing here today with George

Olson of Ogden Sky--

PRODUCER: It's Ogden.

His name is Ogden.

Oh, shoot.

I'm so sorry Mr Olson.

PRODUCER: Ogden!

Sometimes I get really

excited about my work

and my heart just beats so fast

it gets hard to concentrate.

I see what you mean.

PRODUCER: Christy,

I have an idea.

[THEME MUSIC]

Hi, I'm Christy, and you are?

I'm George, George Ogden.

And what is that

you do, Mr Ogden?

I own Ogden Sky

Observation Systems.

And what is it

that you observe?

Well, what we do is make sky

scanning software that can

be used in conjunction with--

Ooh, that sounds technical.

You must be very smart.

Oh, well I don't

know about that.

Isn't it true that

you recently went

through a devastating divorce?

What?

All right, I want

to know one thing,

you've got to be

straight with me.

Yeah, what's that?

You news guys smoke

a lot of weed, right?

What?

I'm just fucking with you, dog.

Do you?

I can't speak for

everybody in the industry,

but as for myself,

absolutely not.

Come on, what about

Peter Jennings?

Well, he might.

All right, look, is

this shit for real?

I mean, like this show

you're on, is it serious?

Well, the producers

take it seriously.

I take it seriously.

But I have to admit there are

a few people on the show that

think a little differently.

After the break we

will answer the age

old question, what do

alien visitors do with all

that livestock genitalia.

So don't go away, we'll

be right back you stupid,

gullible fucks.

PRODUCER: OK, so we'll just edit

that last part out, shall we?

Hey, whatever.

It's your show.

Can I get some mouthwash?

Just saying those words

makes me feel like I've

been sucking someone's ass.

Good one, man.

Hey, hey, you're fucking fired.

And now it's time for this

week's celebrity alien report.

Uh yeah listen, I don't know

what you want from my life

really, but I'm a very busy man.

I've got things going on, I'm

working on my tour and stuff,

so I really don't have time to

be interviewed about aliens.

Not that I don't believe

in aliens, because I

do believe in aliens,

I just don't have time

to talk about it right now.

Aliens are a very big part of

my life, as a matter of fact.

I have many friends

in Los Angeles

that are of the alien race.

There's many different

species of aliens,

but I don't want to get into it

because it's all too confusing.

I mean, there's the

ones with six fingers,

there's the ones

with three heads,

there's the tall skinny

ones, the short, fat ones.

Everybody knows this.

There's Michael Jackson.

So I mean, there's really,

there's all different breeds,

you know.

Hello, my name is Dr. EG Nog.

I study the UFO

phenomenon full time,

and it was I who

developed the three levels

of encounters listed here.

Encounter type 1,

sighting a UFO.

Encounter type 2, physical

evidence left behind by a UFO,

and the third type, contact

with alien being from a UFO.

My original list actually

consisted of 10 levels

of encounters, but the

scientific community

only adopted the first three.

Now this has been

a sore spot with me

ever since, because as you can

see, the levels of encounters

become increasingly more

specific as you go along.

Why would they want encounter

type 1, a simple sighting, when

they could have encounter

type five, which is gently

rubbing an alien's flesh?

And why should, why

should physical evidence

be so important when they could

have encounter type six, where

an alien walks up

to you very nicely,

but then smashes you over

the head with a board.

Huh?

And finally the

clincher, encounter

type 3, contact with alien

beings, face to face meeting.

Big deal.

It can't hold a candle to

encounter type nine, where

aliens move into

your neighborhood

and they play the stereo so loud

that nobody can get any sleep.

Oh, my.

I'm sorry.

Look, write your congressman.

Tell them you want

all the facts.

Hell, I'm Al Manac.

I'm here at the National

Aeronautics and Space

Administration,

also known as NASA.

I'm here with Brian Johnson,

who's the new project leader

for the new Mars Rover program.

Hello, Brian.

Hey.

Uh Brian, I just got to ask.

You seem kind of young to be

in such a position of power.

Yeah, but I won the

contest, so here I am.

What contest?

You didn't see it?

It's the show on Fox

last spring, "Who

Wants to be a Project Leader."

That's where I've seen you?

That was for NASA?

Yeah.

I was also on a show called

"Who Wants to be a Criminal,"

but I lost that one.

Good thing too,

because the guy who won

is doing 10 years

in San Quentin.

OK, so you have no idea what

we're talking about here.

None whatsoever.

But I am signed up to do a

show next summer called "Who

Wants to Make Love to Madonna."

And the odds are pretty

good, because there's

supposed to be 150 winners.

I am just wasting my time here.

Pretty much, but I did

find this video in a drawer.

It's pretty crazy, you

might want to check it out.

Yeah.

[VCR NOISES]

COMPUTER: Malfunction.

Malfunction.

Malfunction.

This is Patrolman Midok, is

anyone receiving this signal?

COMPUTER: Malfunction.

This is patrolman Midok, I

have an emergency situation,

please respond.

COMPUTER: Malfunction.

I'm piloting a Max

II class control shop.

COMPUTER: Malfunction.

Computer, would

you shut up, please?

This is Patrolman Midok.

Is anyone receiving this signal?

This is Patrolman Midok, anyone

out there, please respond.

Ah, hello?

Yes, hello.

Hello, this is Patrolman Midok.

Are you receiving my signal?

Hello?

Yes, hello.

This is Patrolman Midok.

Can you respond?

Hello?

[LOUD SCREECHING]

Ah!

Yes, hello?

Hey, where are you going?

This is Patrolman Midok!

Ah, forget it.

Hello.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Oh, yes.

Do you acquire assistance?

Are you talking to me?

Uh, yes.

To whom am I speaking?

Finally.

This is Patrolman

Midok, piloting

a Max II class patrol vehicle.

During a random patrol

of the outer border

my vessel came under attack by

the Cartilage people of Urass.

Now, I took a direct hit.

I have computer malfunctions,

and my navigation unit is down.

Oh, man.

And to whom am I speaking?

Oh, I'm Ozzy Jaloppy.

And what is it that you do?

I'm a night duty person,

emergency navigational control.

Well, that's what I need.

I'm sending out a locator pulse.

Can you locate me?

I sure think, Patrolman Midol.

Midok.

Mi- dok.

Sorry, Patrolman Midok.

And which band is

your locator pulse on?

27b.

Really?

You know, that's my

apartment number.

Wow.

I'm not reading

anything, Patrolman Midok.

Is your pulse rate set

for distances this far?

I didn't know I

could adjust it.

I've never had to use it before.

Oh, yes.

Well see, they're

very distant specific.

How do I adjust the pulse?

Your Max II emergency manual

will give you instructions

for the adjustment.

Emergency manual?

I've got that thing packed

away in the cargo hold.

Oh, I love cargo holds.

My uncle used to keep me one.

What are you carrying?

Not much, a few containers

of urite minerals

and a shipment of

Hipherion cave rats.

I'm in a hurry.

My grandfather was bit

by a Hipherion cave rat.

He died in two weeks.

They're poisonous.

Oh, wait a minute.

Maybe I can access

your technical manual

from technical support.

What's your ship's code name.

I'm not supposed to give

out that information.

Well then, as mother

always used to tell me,

I can't help you.

All right.

Code name Muffin.

Don't say a word.

Accessing.

You're in uh, section 19, right?

Correct.

You're piloting a Max

II patrol ship, right?

Correct.

Code name Muffin?

Correct.

Got it.

Now, your L beam should

be set at five and 1/2

and your vector should

be hovering at .002.

It's on that setting now.

What?

Stand by.

Oh, OK.

Here you are.

Sorry about that, I was

looking at the wrong meter.

Is there anyone else

there I could speak to?

That's a negative, sir,

a skeleton crew here.

Everyone is at Colonel

Conway's promotion party.

I'm heading there

in a few minutes.

I'm bringing the vegetable dip.

COMPUTER: Take me

to your leader.

Oh, I've got your

coordinates here.

Are you listening?

Hanging on every word.

OK, can you hear me OK?

Yes, your signal is fine.

I'd better boost up

the signal, I think.

All right, go ahead,

you little bastard.

COMPUTER: Report to bridge.

[NO AUDIO]

Uh, hello?

Hello?

Hey, you cut the audio.

Hey stupid, you cut the audio.

There is no sound.

[HIGH PITCHED SCREECHING]

Ah!

Where you going?

Hey!

Well, can you believe this?

COMPUTER: Emergency.

High levels of radiation.

Sorry about that,

Patrolman Midok.

I was catching some

wicked feedback

and I had to get

myself another ice tea.

Now you listen to me.

Now you cut off all

the audio signals

and I didn't hear

a word you said.

I just got a sensor alert,

and I've got a ship out there

with the exact same

dimensions as the cargo

ship that attacked me earlier.

Now you get things together

down there, and you get me home.

What was that?

Urass!

The Cartilage people from Urass!

Yes sir, maybe I just point to

your position on a star chart.

You can do that?

Oh, yes sir.

Would you like me to do that?

Why not.

OK.

OK, I punch it up here.

You should have it on your

monitor in a few seconds.

OK, do you see it now?

No, I don't see it.

All right, wait a minute,

now I have something.

This is not the star chart.

Now what you should be

seeing now is System Four.

Do you see System Four?

No, no I don't.

I must be feeding

you the wrong signal.

What do you see?

I've been from one side of

this galaxy to the other,

and I can honestly say that I've

never seen anything like this.

Can you describe it?

No.

I've stopped all

video transmissions,

so if you're still

getting something

it's coming from

a nearby planet.

Hey, I've got to

get up for a second.

I've got to get some

more ice tea, OK.

[COUGHING]

COMPUTER: High

levels of radiation.

We are under attack.

[ALARM BLARING]

Hey Ozzy, Ozzy!

Hey, I've got a ship

right on my tail.

Are you with me?

It is confirmed.

It is the Cartilage vessel

that attacked me before.

It's signaling me,

telling me to-- not sure

what they're telling me, but

it doesn't sound friendly.

[NON-ENGLISH]

Something has just

exited the enemy's ship.

It's headed in my

general direction.

I'm not sure what it is.

It's kind of phallic shaped.

[NON ENGLISH SPEECH CONTINUES

OVER MONITOR]

Oh, my.

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

[FIRE CRACKLES]

[EXPLOSIONS]

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

Damn dude, that sounds freaky.

Yeah, unfortunately

that film was burned

by Los Angeles gang members.

But with my luck,

probably would have

turned out to be a fake anyway.

Yo, you see this dude?

[SOBBING]

He had two heart attacks

this morning, all right.

That, my friend is bad luck.

What about me, huh?

You think it's

easy for me working

this bar all day then go out

and sell joints out of my car

all night?

Shit.

I just said that

out loud, didn't I?

Yeah.

I was shot three fucking times.

I don't think

anybody heard you.

Anyway, what I'm saying

is everybody strikes

out a few times, bro.

You know, you just

gotta keep swinging,

because one of these days,

you're going to hit a home run.

Think so?

Hell, I don't know.

I heard that shit

on Oprah last week.

But if I was a space dude

with issues that's the show

I want to be on.

Have you ever wondered

about the size of our galaxy?

No?

Well, it's big.

And here to help us

understand just how big

is noted professor of

agriculture, Robert Foster.

PRODUCER: Cut.

Is this shit right?

Let's say you have a pickle.

Now this pickle represents

our solar system

and the seeds inside the pickle

represent the heavenly bodies

in our solar system.

Now, if all solar systems

can be represented

by a pickle about this size and

our pickle was in a warehouse

in Clarksdale, Mississippi,

then the nearest star

with a possible

solar system would

be located in a water

treatment plant just

outside of Memphis, Tennessee.

This means our Milky Way galaxy

would require a pickle patch

as large as the United States.

And we even stretch into Canada,

just short of where my brother

had his car accident.

Now in this area there are

literally billions of pickles.

How likely is it that our

pickle is the only pickle

that contains a seed with life?

You see, it is far

more likely that we

live in a pickle patch

with life teeming

inside a great many pickles.

[THEME MUSIC]

MISSION CONTROL (ON

RADIO): Commander Lyle,

are you with us?

COMMANDER LYLE (ON RADIO):

Where you guys been?

It came back.

The ship came back.

It go Rodriquez.

It also knocked Schultz

away from the shuttle

and snapped his line.

He's just floating

out there, man.

He's like, he's trying

to swim back to the ship.

It ain't helping him, though.

Man, he's looking

stupid out there.

MISSION CONTROL (ON

RADIO): Commander

Lyle, Professor Karl Grubbles is

on his way to the control room.

He is an expert on

sunspot activity.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON

RADIO): Sunspot activity?

What's he going to do?

I ain't got sunspots, man.

I got UFOs.

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO): He

studies UFOs in his spare time.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON RADIO):

Well, get him in there, man.

Oh, god.

MISSION CONTROL (ON

RADIO): Commander Lyle.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON RADIO): Yeah?

MISSION CONTROL (ON

RADIO): We've just then

been informed that

Professor Grubbles

is stock in the elevator.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON

RADIO): Oh, man!

I can't believe it!

I, I cannot believe it.

What are you people

doing down there?

Yo man, I'm listening

to your words,

but I ain't hearing what

you're saying, all right?

Because if there's

all this evidence,

how come the government

don't know about it?

The government

does know about it.

The government has

the biggest stockpile

of evidence in existence,

besides Crispin Glover.

That's not a fair

comparison, because the odds

are that Crispin Glover

actually is from another planet.

Yeah, I'll buy that.

[ALARM BLARING]

This is truly an important

day for all the UFO

seekers around the globe.

[BUGLE CALL IN THE DISTANCE]

I'm at, uh, I can't

give that location out,

but I'm at a secret military

base that has been assigned

the task of

gathering information

from every reported encounter

with alien visitors.

This operation has been

active for over 30 years

and is planet wide.

Overseeing the operation

is Major Marion Marco.

I just have to ask, Major Marco,

why the sudden need to get

this information here

gathered out to the people?

Times are changing, son.

I can remember a time when alien

snot balls kept pretty much

to themselves, only the

occasional abduction or cattle

mutilation to worry about.

But in the last five

years, alien abductions

are up nearly 70%.

Instead of staying up in

the sky where they belong,

these booger munchers are

trying to penetrate, manipulate

our basic way of life.

I'm not having it.

I'm going to make

available to you

some of the most

mucous moving film

footage you've ever been exposed

to in your short, meaningless

life.

The film is of an aircraft

taking off from a mountaintop

in Siberia in 1948.

You can see one of them spit

sucking aliens real good.

I've had a film analyst

tell me he's carrying

a set of horse testicles.

But just between

you and me I'd say

it looks more like

pig testicles,

but who am I to

argue with experts?

HANS MORRISON: The

first thing we do

is examine the film

stock to make sure

that it was

available in the time

that they claim that the film

was shot, which in this case

was 1948, I believe.

The film stock was quite

available at that time.

So we don't suspect foul play.

And oh, Phillip!

Phillip, come and look at this.

Look at this, look

at these testicles.

They're massive.

Phillip, could you--

are they-- are there

any more of those Girl

Scout Cookies left?

Oh, yes.

OK.

No, no, the Thin

Mints, the Thin Mints

if you have the Thin Mints.

Thank you.

OK, now in this shot

we-- no Thin Mints?

I'll tell you son, once you've

seen that film footage you'll

want to wrap your own

guts around a stick,

but that's just the beginning

of what I've got to show you.

Well Major, what are you

and the rest of the military

prepared to do if these

aliens turn out to be hostile?

Oh, we know they're hostile

all right, or at the very least

extremely sarcastic.

Well, aren't you worried

that our technology may not

be a match for them if they

have a full fledged invasion

against us?

Cowards like you

are the reasons

I go to bars and start fights.

I've got another film

I'll make available to you

that will make you

want to rip out

your own kneecaps with pride.

It's a prime example of human

beings rising to the occasion

when adversity flashes

its swollen privates.

It shows a small

Christmas get together

in 1974 that was nearly

destroyed by an alien invasion.

[EXPLOSION IN THE DISTANCE]

[MUSIC - "GOOD KING WENCESLAS"]

[ALARMS BLARING]

Are you developing any

kind of defensive measures?

You want to know in

an honest to goodness

attack do we have

firepower powerful enough

to grab the aliens by

their scruffy little necks

and rub their ugly faces

in their own vomit.

Well, yes.

The answer to your question is

no, we don't have anything that

will do that, but we are

working on something that

will be just as embarrassing.

Do you mind if I

ask you what all

the excitement is around here?

I'm not sure, but I am sure

I have a piece of evidence

that will slit your nipples.

HANS MORRISON: Now, when

we get a film like this

we always assume that it

is a fake until something

proves us otherwise.

This film was shot in the

late 1950s, I believe.

And uh, I've seen

several like this.

Oh, Phillip!

Phillip look.

Look, Phillip look.

We went from large

testicles to no testicles.

That's funny, no?

No testicles.

Hey, what's up, dog?

Hey, man.

I need the usual.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, I love this

guy, always hooks me up

with a nice fat sack of

this beautiful, kind bud.

Hey man, this ain't the usual.

Does this smell right, man?

How would I know.

I need the usual stuff, man.

Man, what is this, man?

I need the usual

man, the good shit.

That is the usual plus.

Oh, yeah that's what I

love about this guy, man.

He always hooks you up good.

The time has come

again for this week's

celebrity alien report.

Have you ever tried

having sex with one?

Forget about it.

They got many different areas.

You don't even want to

find out where they belong.

It's scary.

Leave me alone, I got to go.

I'm out of here.

The light just came

up over these hills.

We thought it was a

helicopter at first,

but it wasn't very loud,

just a low humming sound.

Yeah, helicopters

are usually louder.

It wasn't that loud at all, so--

Why do you always

have to do that?

Do what?

Every time I'm telling

a story you just jump in.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Just shut up for a minute and

then you can tell your side.

Sorry.

This is where the

light came lower.

It looked like it was

blocking the road.

You could tell it couldn't

have been too big either.

I mean, the trees are pretty

close together down-- sorry.

We drive down this road about

half a dozen times each year,

so I remember exactly

when it happened.

It was the night

Mitch proposed to me.

She said no.

We just parked the car and

watched for about 10 minutes.

Why do you have to

tell people that?

Is it anybody's business?

Sorry.

You're a real

prick, you know that.

Ah, shit!

I'm waiting in the car.

Ah!

COMMANDER LYLE (ON

RADIO): Houston!

Come in, Houston.

Houston, for god's

sake, come in!

MISSION CONTROL 2 (ON

RADIO): This is Houston.

Go ahead, Commander Hacker.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON

RADIO): This is Lyle!

I already told you.

What the hell is

going on down there?

I told you an hour

ago, Hacker is gone.

Rodriquez is gone.

And they just came

back for Schultz.

MISSION CONTROL 2 (ON RADIO):

Uh, sorry Commander Lyle,

nobody told me anything.

We just had our shift change.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON

RADIO): Oh, man!

What is wrong with

you people down there?

They're going to

come after me next.

Where is Professor Grubbles?

MISSION CONTROL

2 (ON RADIO): Uh,

Professor Grubbles was

found dead in the elevator

not 20 minutes ago.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON

RADIO): Oh, man!

MISSION CONTROL 2 (ON

RADIO): Uh, Commander Lyle,

did you hear about your car?

Yeah, I can't believe it.

MISSION CONTROL 2 (ON RADIO):

They think it was your fiance.

Someone says they saw her drive

off in it with another guy.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON

RADIO): Good god!

This is the single worst

day I have ever had.

Oh, man.

This is unbelievable.

Excuse me.

Are your restrooms in the back?

Straight back, end of the hall.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

And there are no video

cameras in the heating vents.

What?

Nothing.

Hey, have you ever done

a story on Roswell?

Roswell, New Mexico?

Yeah, you know where that

space ship crashed like in 1947.

You ever been there?

Sort of.

God, nobody's going to

believe this is New Mexico.

Now wasn't that fantastic?

And now this.

[URINATING]

Oh, we're ready?

All right.

See, me and Ralph was

fishing at this lake

when a small craft, about

the size of my mobile home,

came up over them

tree tops over there.

This beam of light

flashed out of it.

It was really something to see.

Then real sudden like

these two spaceman--

and I knew that's

what they was, they

was spacemen-- they came running

up and they grabbed Ralph.

They dragged him off

into that clearing.

Then that light hit them

again and they was gone.

Tell you what,

man, they startled

me so bad I almost left.

I stuck with it, caught

me a few more fish.

Nothing worth keeping really.

So I was packing up, getting

ready to go when I heard

this loud clap of thunder.

Looked up, I saw Ralph

falling through them trees,

hitting every branch

all the way down.

He had a bad cut on his cheek

and his wrist was broke.

He was shook up, but overall

in pretty good shape.

We ate at Manny's.

Me and Ralph was

hunting squirrels

in this general area when we

heard this great rush of air.

And we looked up, saw that ship.

It was the same one

we ran into before.

A white flash of

light came out of it.

Ralph just started

running from the Jeep.

These two space guys appeared

right in front of him

and wrestled him to the ground.

Then that light hit them

again and they was gone.

Tell you what, it scared me

so bad I had to sit right down

and have me a beer

right there on the spot.

I got pretty lucky

after that, though.

Caught me six more squirrels.

Then I heard this funny

little ringing sound.

I wasn't quite sure

what it was at first.

It just turned out

to be somebody's

pet cat had a little bell on

its collar, so I shot it too.

Then I heard that

thunder clap again,

and Ralph hit the ground.

He had a concussion,

dislocated shoulder.

Nothing too serious.

So we pitched camp and ate

a few of the squirrels.

In a moment of confusion

Ralph ate the cat.

Something was

nibbling on my butt.

Me and Ralph was on this

weekend hiking trip you know,

throwing rocks at

campers and whatnot.

We saw that same ship come up

over them bluffs over there.

Ralph just started cussing

and heading off down the path

when this big space guy

appeared in front of him

and clotheslined him right

there at the bottom of the hill.

Took him down real quick.

Then that light hit them

again and they was gone.

I was pretty used

to it by now, so I

just built me a little cooking

fire and broke out the Spam.

I'd ate me about a

can and a half spam

when I heard that

clap of thunder.

So I looked up and

around to see where

Ralph would hit the ground at.

Saw him coming down

those bluffs over there.

His jaw and legs was broke,

and I was pretty sure he

had some internal injuries.

So I finished up my

other can of spam

and took him straight

to the emergency room.

He pulled through though,

he's a real trooper.

I don't know what's gotten

into him lately, though.

He just don't want to

seem to do anything.

Guys might want to be careful,

you're standing in poison oak,

there.

My first sexual experience,

I was 12 years old,

Shawnee Pines Youth Camp.

Ruth Ann was 14.

Vacuum cleaner was brand new.

What the hell are

you talking about?

What?

Oh, shit.

I was shot three fucking times.

Excuse me, um, I don't

want to alarm anyone,

but there's a guy

laying in the hall.

You might want to call 911.

I mean, he's not even breathing.

Oh, thanks.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, right.

Yep, this is where

we keep him, Mr.

Manac, down here in the deepest,

darkest pit of this facility.

We have to,

otherwise he'd insight

a riot with his wild stories.

Yeah, this guy is crazy as a--

What?

Crazy as--

Yeah, he's crazy as a-- uh.

Is he dangerous?

Dangerous?

This guy wants to know

if he's dangerous.

You want to know

if he's dangerous?

Yeah.

No, not really.

He's just crazy as shit.

I mean, you know,

he's really crazy.

Yeah, he talks a

lot of crazy shit.

Crazy shit, but I guess

you already knew that

or else you wouldn't be here.

Well, my boss wants the

story right from his lips.

Oh, you'll get a

story all right.

Yeah, a crazy story.

Crazy.

Crazy man, this is crazy shit.

Can we just go down now?

Is that all right?

Absolutely.

Rodney, you got a visitor.

Get the hell out of here, man.

[LAUGHING]

Get that damn light

out of my face, man.

Don't be like that, Rodney.

This guy came a

long way to see you.

[LAUGHING]

Come on, we even brought

you something to wear.

Get out of here with that

shit, you honky, dick-bellied,

peckerwood.

Is that thing necessary?

No, but it's a lot of fun.

Let-- let me go.

Let me go.

Calm down, Rodney, god.

This reporter just wants

to ask you a few questions.

Reporter?

Why didn't you say so?

So you are a reporter?

From where?

I'm Al Manac from the

television show "The Search

for Intelligent Life."

Oh, oh, man.

That show sucks.

Yeah, it does.

But I really want to hear

your story from your own lips

in your own words.

What do I get?

You get to be on the show.

I told you, that show sucks.

How about a pack of cigarettes?

Deal.

What do you want

to know, white boy?

I want to hear your story.

OK, I was hitching a

ride across Mississippi

and some aliens attacked

me, but I got away.

That's it?

What the fuck, did you

think you were going

to turn it into a musical?

That's what happened.

Easy, Rodney.

Did he say you were

going to be on the show?

No.

Then shut the fuck up, cracker.

So what do these

aliens look like?

Hard to explain.

They were quite horrible.

I can draw them if

the Dukes of Hazzard

here will let me out

of this damn thing.

Last time I did that you

punched me in the nuts.

And you deserved it too, honky.

I can draw in with my teeth.

There's no end to a

black man's talents.

Give me some paper, white boy.

Hello.

Hello.

You're that guy

from the alien show.

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

You do a good job.

I do?

But the show blows.

I'm Elania Hoffman.

Al Manac.

You're with that program.

"Nation View News."

How's that going for you?

Well, it beats running around

looking for flying dinner

plates, I'll tell you that.

No offense.

Of course.

Your show is just

entertainment, barely.

"Nation View News" investigates

contemporary moral issues

with hard hitting investigative

journalism and a rigorous zeal

for fact finding.

That's quite a pitch.

God, who am I kidding?

That's a super sized

load of bullshit.

Look, I'm just a working girl

trying to advance in my field.

I do what I have to do in

a male dominated industry.

But if I have to sleep with

one more executive just

to get a decent pay

raise I'm going to shoot

some limp dicked bastard.

Does anyone work

in here or what?

Yeah, he's in the back.

I think some guy might

have died back there.

Good.

So why don't you

tell your producers

that you want to stop chasing

these fictional stories

and do something with real bite?

You've got to grow up some time.

What about women's issues?

Do you have an opinion on that?

Well, there was this one time.

This is a really unusual

situation for me.

I've never interviewed

like this before.

I can't seem to

find my questions.

But regarding life

in outer space--

Shut up.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Do you know who we are?

Who are we, girls?

CROWD: Women for Worlds United.

Women for Worlds United.

That's right.

And we didn't come down here

to be interrogated by no man!

I thought you

asked me down here.

Shut up!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Do you want to know what

Women for Worlds United

thinks about contact

with alien visitors?

Women for Worlds United thinks

there will be no contact as

long as that

dim-witted warmongering

males of this planet are

in positions of power.

And you?

Are you asking me?

Shut up!

[CROWD CHEERING]

But--

Shut up.

Tear him up, sister.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Any self-respecting

alien with any wisdom

whatsoever would look down

on this planet and say,

this sucks.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Any clear thinking alien

with an ounce of intelligence

would behold our

planet and wonder

how have these mindless human

males survived this long.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Any destiny minded

alien with any hope

for the future of

the universe should

come down here right

now and blast you men

into little charred fragments!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Thanks for your

time, I got to run.

If you can't take the heat,

get back in the kitchen

where you kept us so

long, you bastard!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Damn, that's a good story.

I thought you

might like that one.

Well, I don't

have time to wait.

I have to give a

blow job in an hour.

I need some extra vacation days.

If you ever get tired

of watching the skies,

why don't you come on over

to "Nation View News."

We keep track of the world

so you won't have to.

God, I hate my life.

Jesus.

Hey, honey, what are

you doing tonight?

Yo, she just deck that dude?

Yep.

Weird.

So can I get your another?

No, no it's OK.

Hey, is that guy OK back there?

Oh, Marty?

Yeah he's usually only

dead for a few seconds.

He'll be back.

OK.

So listen, I been thinking.

I'm good with people, right?

I ask good questions, right?

Sure, yeah.

All right now, listen.

I believe in this alien

shit, dog, all right.

So why don't I try to

do what you're doing?

You're just what

the show needs.

Hell yeah, dog, I knew it.

Yeah, all right.

So you can put in a

good word for me, right?

As many words as you need.

Fuckin' A, dude.

Yes.

All right.

So tell me about the

people you work with.

Oh, do I have to?

Albert.

Can I have a word with you?

Actually Larry, I'm working on

this midget transvestite crop

circle thing and I really don't

have the time, I've got to go.

Oh, nonsense.

It will only take a minute.

Albert, I'd like you

to meet Dick Skyward.

Mr. Skyward.

Oh, please call me Dick.

I'm sure I will.

Larry, what's this all about?

Albert, have a seat.

Albert, Dick is a new employee.

He's also a psychic.

I think he might be able to

help out on your investigations.

Whoa, whoa Larry.

No offense to you, but

I've always worked alone

and I just don't

believe in psychics.

Horse crap.

I've seen Dick in action.

He's the real deal.

And I asked around

and I was repeatedly

told that if I wanted

results I would only

be happy with Dick Skyward.

I can read a person's thoughts,

given enough time and money.

And that's why he needs

to be out there with you,

so he can tell if people

are telling the truth

or lying to your

face immediately.

If someone is lying to you

then I'll know it, and then bam.

Bam?

Bam.

What the hell is "bam?"

Well, it's you know,

"bam," they're lying.

And then what, we don't

let them on the show?

What?

Of course we do.

I mean, if I took all

the liars off this show

I'd have nothing but

an hour of Max Harmon.

Ooh.

Hello, and welcome to

the "Max Harmon Hour."

I'm your host, Max Harmon.

Today I'm going to share with

you one of my favorite hobbies,

the ancient art of origami.

Now origami is a lot of fun

and a great stress reliever.

Today I'm going to show

you a quick example

that you can try at home.

Now you take an 8 1/2

by 11 sheet of paper.

There are all kinds of animals

that you can make with origami.

You can make an elephant,

a horse, a kumquat,

but today I'm going to share

with you one of my favorites.

[PAPER RUSTLING]

The bird.

Actually, I may have something

there, maybe for Showtime.

I just don't see the point.

Albert, I'm going

to level with you.

The quality of your work

is slipping, slipping.

Your material is suffering.

I'm the only one who cares

about the damn material.

Yes.

Yes what?

Yes.

I want you to take Dick

out in the field with you.

Show him the ropes.

Take Dick in hand.

I don't want to.

I do want you to.

-No.

-Yes.

No.

Yes.

Wait, I'm sensing something.

What is it?

Tension.

Eh?

Did I tell You he's amazing.

That'll be $50.

Are you a believer now, Albert?

Oh, yeah.

I believe.

I believe I'll leave.

Albert.

I will have my way on this one.

Now you're angry.

Damn boy, you're

going to clean me out.

Excuse me, Max.

Al, I'm glad you ran into me.

What is this shit that

you're giving me to air?

I'm really not

in the mood, Max.

Oh, oh, oh, you're not, huh?

Well, let me tell

you the kind of mood

that I'm in when I have to

air some of the segments.

I feel like I'm out

there in the breeze,

swinging like a

monkey's nut sack.

I don't know if

it's going to work

or it's going to be a

complete disappointment

like last night's hooker.

You should write

children's book.

Shut the fuck up.

I know you have

some, some little bit

of control over these stories.

What are you working on now?

Actually, I'm working on this

midget transvestite who found

some crop circles down south.

That's pretty good.

I like that.

Let's go with it.

You're Max Harmon.

Now let's visit

the UFO Research

Laboratory in Houston, Texas.

Golly, what fun.

Welcome, my name is

Electric Sammy, director

of the UFO Research Laboratory.

Our job here is to collect

physical evidence left

behind by alien visitation.

This jacket was

worn by a man who

was abducted and actually taken

aboard an alien ship in March

of 1984.

Fascinating.

This wallet was

found in a heavily

forested area in Indiana.

You can see the slight burn

marks on the one side here.

We feel the owner

was incinerated

by alien weapons of some kind.

And to show just how clever

these non-human intelligence

can be, they removed

all identification.

This is a tape recorder that

actually captured the sounds

of an alien craft landing in

a wheat field in southern Ohio

earlier this year.

The tape, however,

was never found.

We feel there may have been

some alien intervention there as

well.

I am in hell.

Is this hell?

Is that what this is?

I just want to know where I

am, that's all, because-- no,

this definitely hell.

I got to tell you, dude, this

has been the most interesting

day I've had since I

got my nipples pierced,

only with less itching.

I honestly don't know

what to say about that.

Hey man, I'm going to use the

can before I start my shift.

Sure thing.

Watch out for Marty back there.

Is he dead again?

All right, it's

five o'clock, dude.

Time for me to hit the streets.

You got a card or something?

Yeah, sure.

All right, I'm going

to call you, dude.

Me and you, we're going to

be a hell of a team, dog.

Hell is the word for it.

You rock, bro.

Thank you for the

coffee, Colonel Fleeton.

Not at all.

Are you nervous?

A little.

I haven't talked

about this before.

We don't go live very often.

I'm a little nervous,

but I think I'll be OK.

PRODUCER: OK, we're

set to go live

for a "Search for Intelligent

Life Special Report""

in five, four, three, two--

[THEME MUSIC]

Colonel Fleeton, may

I call you Timothy?

That's fine.

Or do you prefer just Tim?

No, no, Timothy.

OK.

I didn't know since Timothy

sounds a little feminine.

So Timothy, you are a

former officer for our Air

Force, not our Air

Force, but you know,

the United States Air Force.

Yes, I served from

1965 until 1980.

Wow, that's so cool.

My mom always said that Air

Force guys made great lovers

because they really

knew how to use

the stick between their legs.

Do you think that is true?

I can't say.

So Colonel Fleeton, you say

that on numerous occasions

while flying around or whatever,

you saw some of those-- what

do you call them-- UFO things.

Yes I was witness to

several strange occurrences

that I made full reports of.

Later, the government classified

those documents and they

have until this very date--

This is really good coffee.

Did you make it?

No.

Oh darn, I spilled.

It's OK, I can keep going.

Let me just get this off.

So Colonel Fleeton, what do

you think these objects are?

Well, my breast guess is that

they're foreign in nature.

Oh, did I spill on that too?

Let me just slip this off.

Please continue.

Well um, when I

questioned my supervisors,

I received a reprimand that

nearly killed my career.

It went on--

PRODUCER: Cut.

OK, we're out.

What the hell?

That's it?

Thank you for your

time, Colonel Fleeton.

Thank god.

Oh, It's cold in here.

Thank you, Christy for

that wonderful report.

Ah, now, let's check in with

Al Manac live in the field.

Al--

[GUNSHOT]

MAX HARMON: Al?

[GUNSHOT]

MAX HARMON: Al?

MISSION CONTROL (ON

RADIO): Commander Lyle,

are you reading me?

COMMANDER LYLE (ON

RADIO): (WHISPERING) Shh.

Be quiet, they're back.

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO):

Say again, Commander Lyle,

say again.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON

RADIO): (WHISPERING)

I said be quiet, be quiet.

They're right outside.

Stop transmitting.

MISSION CONTROL (ON

RADIO): You're coming

in very faint, Commander Lyle.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON RADIO):

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Stop transmitting,

they're listening for me.

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO):

Say again, Commander Lyle,

say again.

COMMANDER LYLE (ON

RADIO): Oh, god!

Here they come.

Oh, you really did it

now, you jackasses.

I can't believe it.

Yeah, here they come.

There's Hacker's helmet.

Oh, god!

What a day!

What a day!

Oh!

Sorry.

I got a swollen prostate.

No problem.

The hell it ain't!

Look, I know who you are, and

I got something to tell you.

Hey listen, I had long day.

I got to get out of here.

I got to go back to my office.

I've been abducted by aliens.

I see.

They're mean-ass bastards.

Well, there have been reports.

And now I'm going to

tell you all about it.

Don't feel you have

to if it's private.

I never told

anyone, but I'm going

to tell you now because you're

the one who will believe me.

I am.

You are.

It all started

in a public toilet

in Grand Central Station.

Oh, god.

The grey bastards ambushed

me in the third stall.

Not the green ones,

they grey ones.

They're the mean ones.

They implanted this

right in my ass cheek.

I would have never

known it was there,

but Brian noticed when we

was-- well, what do you think?

You may have something here.

You think so?

You think it's a

beacon so that they can

call me back for more tests?

Ah, the dirty

bastards, I knew it.

[SOBBING]

Do you mind if I keep this?

It's yours.

[SOBBING]

[GASPING]

I'll be, I'll be

back in a minute.

I'm having some chest pains.

MISSION CONTROL (ON RADIO):

Commander Lyle, Commander Lyle,

are you there?

We have Dr. Nathan

Gombe on his way over.

He's the world's

foremost authority

on North American wildlife.

Commander Lyle,

are you reading us?

You look very familiar.

Ah, shit.

What I say?

[HUMMING]

Good god, no!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What have I done to you?