South Park: Post Covid (2021) - full transcript

And now,

a Paramount Plus made-for-TV movie.

"It's not a movie...

it's a made-for-TV movie."

From the green hills of Vermont

to the verdant canyons

of Arizona,

people all over the country

are beginning to realize

it's nearly over!

We have almost beaten COVID

and the best news of all:

Infections are

at an all-time low.

New, stronger vaccinations

have ebbed the tide.

And we humans

are cleaning up the mess

and finally

getting on with our lives.

But as we start to get back

to our jobs and schools,

one question remains:

What lingering effects will

the pandemic have on children?

Some say no effect at all.

The children are just fine.

We came together

and finally we can say,

we are starting to

- win the war against COVID.

- Stan?

Stan, the phone's for you!

Stan!

What?!

Could you not hear me?

Yeah, dude,

but I'm busy working.

Working on getting drunk again.

I'm not "getting drunk,"

I'm an online

whiskey consultant.

I'm doing research.

Everyone needs

to leave me alone.

The guy on the phone

said it's important.

He said his name

is Kyle Broflovski.

Kyle?

- Hello?

- Oh, hi.

Is this Stan Marsh,

from South Park?

- Kyle?

- Oh, dude, it is you!

How have you...

How have you been?

I'm... fine. How are you?

I'm good, I'm...

I know this is weird.

We haven't talked since...

well, you know,

since it all happened.

Yeah, well, the pandemic

is about over now.

I'm moving on with my life.

Stan...

you should come back here.

There's a lot going on.

There's nothing in

South Park for me, Kyle!

I'm not going back there, ever.

Look, dude, you remember

when we were little?

When the pandemic...

first started.

Us friends said

we'd always be there

for each other

when things got bad.

What do you mean?

What's happened?

Stan...

It's Kenny. He's dead.

Live from the Moderna Center

in downtown New York,

it's Late Night With Jimmy!

Tonight's guest,

First Lady Tom Kardashian!

And now here he is,

the king of woke comedy, Jimmy!

Wow.

Wow, what a terrific audience.

What a fantastic audience, wow.

Geez, what's the deal

with these Mexicans, huh?

I mean, they have fabulous food,

their country

has amazing beaches,

and they're

really fantastic people.

Wow, what a great audience.

You know,

today I was on the subway

and I saw an ad

for the Center for People

Who Identify as Homosexual

But Were Born Bi.

Have you seen this?

Have you heard about this?

I'll tell you one thing...

those people are brave

and deserve

every ounce of our respect.

S-Stick around.

First Lady Tom Kardashian

is here.

We'll be right back!

Jimmy, we got

a call from corporate.

They want you to cut

the hummus joke.

What?!

It's hard enough

doing comedy these days.

Now I'm getting notes

during commercial breaks?!

You're just gonna have to joke

about something else.

All right, fine, what else

is going on in the news? Quick!

Uh, Amazon thinks they might

have discovered gold on Mars.

Ah, Jesus. Anything else?

Uh, that famous

eccentric scientist died.

The millionaire philanthropist?

Dr. McCormick?

Kenny? Kenny's dead?

Oh, I'm sorry,

did you know him?

We were friends when we

were kids. Let me see that!

"Very

mysterious circumstances."

That's what doctors

are saying about

the death of beloved scientist

and humanitarian,

Dr. Kenny McCormick.

McCormick was a pioneer of

science and technology

who was always trying to unlock

the key to a better future.

He worked tirelessly...

some say balls-out crazily...

on new inventions and theories

but somehow his biggest

questions seemed to elude him.

The head of NASA said,

"We have lost

"an innovator and a visionary.

"Kenny was so brilliant

that most of the time,

we couldn't even understand

what he was saying."

Get me a first-class ticket

to South Park!

What? You can't leave!

You have to get back onstage!

The first lady is here!

Tell Tom Kardashian to suck my

P-P-Popsicles

that are in the green room,

and that I am very sorry,

and that he is

a fantastic person.

Stan?

Stan, wake up,

I think we're here.

So that's it, huh?

- That's the town you grew up in?

- Yeah.

Well, how does it feel to

be back after all these years?

It feels shitty, okay?

Can you please shut the fuck up?

Why did you even bring me

along if you're not going

to let me help you

through this?!

Alexa, stop!

♪ I can't sit here

while I go nowhere ♪

♪ Chase my dreams

through the polluted air ♪

♪ Walking on a wire ♪

♪ Running out of time ♪

♪ There's no room

in this ol' heart of mine ♪

♪ So much pressure

to keep holdin' on ♪

♪ Pack my clothes up, baby,

I'll be gone ♪

♪ Stir it up, I've got to

break it up now ♪

♪ When I think about tomorrow ♪

♪ I can't wait to ♪

♪ Stir it up ♪

♪ Got to shake it up now ♪

♪ If I have to beg or borrow ♪

♪ I don't wanna ♪

♪ Take it anymore ♪

♪ Got to break it up now ♪

♪ When I think about tomorrow ♪

♪ I can't wait to stir it up. ♪

Come on in

and let your taste buds soar!

Denny's is now

Denny's Applebee's Max.

Come taste the difference.

- Hey, dude.

- Hey, dude.

Wow. This is crazy, huh?

I mean, how long has it been?

I guess...

since we were nine.

Well, have a seat.

What have you been up to?

Oh, dude,

just all kinds of stuff.

You know, getting stuff going.

Got my own online

whiskey consultant gig.

I'm totally happy.

What about you?

Oh, I'm getting things

going, too.

I'm doing a sort of counseling

online start-up thing.

Really doing great, too.

- Sweet.

- Listen, Stan...

I know that we disagreed

a lot during the pandemic,

but I hope we can

put that aside...

Dude, Kyle,

I'm just here for Kenny.

All right, well,

there's something you should

know about the way Kenny died.

Hi, guys, welcome to

Denny's Applebee's Max.

I see you

got your menus already.

As you're deciding

what to order,

I just want to go over

a couple things.

Now, of course, it is the future

so we don't have any meat

on the menu.

'Cause you know,

here in the future,

we've all decided meat is wrong.

Yeah, we know.

Okay, and, uh,

you'll see there's

some dishes made

from insect protein on the menu.

That, of course, is because

here in the future,

we've all learned that insects

are a valuable and sustainable

food and we no longer

fear it as a food. Mm-hmm.

We know, dude.

Okay, well, if you have any

questions, please don't hesitate

to say anything, because,

you know, it's the future.

We've learned to all just

get along and love each other.

Look, Stan,

Kenny was trying to find

the answers

to some pretty heavy stuff.

He felt like there

were people responsible

for everything that's happened.

Like who?

That's just it. Nobody knows.

But whoever these people are,

they didn't want

Kenny McCormick exposing them.

Wait a minute. Token?

Yeah, it's me.

Just before he died,

Kenny was texting me

that he was on

to something huge.

And he was texting me, too.

Saying he'd discovered

something that

could change the world.

And then he died,

and the hospital won't say how.

And that got us thinking...

Oh, my God.

They killed Kenny.

I'm just here for the funeral.

I don't want to be a part

of anything else.

Dude, there might be

people to blame

for ruining our childhoods.

So what do you wanna do, Kyle?

Go on some bullshit adventure

like when we were kids?

Maybe, maybe we can call

Jesus and Santa

and ask them for help.

Is that what you want?

It's the fucking future,

you guys. Grow up.

Hello, welcome to

the Super 12 Motel Plus.

- Can I help you?

- Yeah, Stan Marsh.

I have a room for one night.

Okay, I see you're in one of

our Mach Ten Super Plus rooms.

Now, of course,

we only take Bitcoin

and other cryptocurrency 'cause,

you know, it's the future.

We've all decided

centralized banking is rigged,

so we trust more in

fly-by-night Ponzi schemes.

Yeah, I know.

So you walked out on

all your friends and then

just hung out at a bar all day?

Alexa, fucking just go

throw yourself out a window.

I'm sorry.

I didn't quite get that.

Nothing.

Alexa, turn on the TV.

Oh, God, you are

such a piece of shit.

You know,

if you had

Remote Prime membership,

you could watch Amazon movies

wherever you go.

Would you like to get started?

- No.

- I'm sorry.

I'm trying

to be fucking helpful.

Why don't you grow up

and start acting like an adult

for once in your life...

Alexa, stop!

Fuck you!

Jon, I'm standing outside

the South Park Flash Rail Max,

where hundreds of people

are coming to

pay their respects

to Dr. Kenny McCormick.

There's still no word

from the hospital

on what exactly

killed Kenny McCormick,

but letters sent to multiple

news outlets reveal

that he might have

known his life was in danger.

Dr. McCormick said,

"I am about to expose the truth.

"In the event of my death

I have hidden away

"all relevant information.

My closest friends

will know where to find it."

Dr. Kenneth McCormick.

He wanted to make the future

a better place.

Too bad he died, 'cause

the future certainly sucks.

♪ Someone's at the door ♪

♪ This is the doorbell ♪

♪ It's the future

so doorbells sing. ♪

Yeah, I know.

Okay, so you were right.

Kenny was on to some bad people

and he hid something

for us to find.

Yeah, I saw.

Only problem is

I don't know

what he's talking about.

But thank you

for saying I was right.

You're welcome. It doesn't mean

that you were right

about everything

during the pandemic.

Because you weren't.

Okay, well, obviously

we're never going to agree

on certain things,

so we shouldn't talk about them.

Sounds good.

So let's go to Kenny's wake

and see if anyone else shows up

who might know what

Kenny's talking about.

Let's do that.

Hello. Testing.

Hey, everybody.

It's amazing to see you all

here for Kenny's wake.

Wow, what a great audience.

Uh, for those of you

who don't know,

my name is Jimmy Valmer and, uh,

I had to take an Asian airline

to get here today.

You know what they say

about Asian airlines...

they're dependable

and just as efficient

as any other competent airline.

What a terrific audience.

So many people

have come for Kenny today...

so many amazing friends

I haven't seen in ages.

You know, I had a friend once

who was a Polish hair stylist.

Talk about an amazing haircut

at an affordable price.

Well, I know that

we're all ready

to talk to each other

and share our memories of Kenny.

So please just have fun

and we'll see you

at the funeral tomorrow.

♪ We are all, you and me ♪

♪ We are all living

in the future ♪

♪ We are all in the future... ♪

Stan?

- Stan Marsh?

- Yeah?

Hi. It's Wendy.

Wendy Testaburger, wow.

Yeah. My husband, Darwin.

Hey, pal, how are ya?

Hey, guys.

It's Tweek and Craig.

Oh, hey.

How are you guys?

We're good.

I have a lot of anxiety

being back

with all these people!

Wendy's told me a lot

about you, Stan.

How's everything

with the family?

Excuse me, I'm gonna go

get, uh, drunk.

- What's wrong with Stan?

- We're just...

trying to find out

what happened to Kenny.

I think this goes deeper

than you guys realize.

Hey, Stan Marsh!

Good to see you.

It's me, Clyde Donovan.

Oh, hey, Clyde.

What have you been doing

during the pandemic?

Oh, you know, lots of stuff.

Yeah, me, too.

Sucks about Kenny, huh?

Hope they find

all the information

- on that thing he hid.

- You know

where he might have hid it?

No, I don't.

But I bet someone here does.

It's really great

to see you guys again.

These past few decades

have been really tough.

Yeah, sometimes I think

the pandemic really aged me.

Kyle, can I talk to you

for a second?

- Dude, he's here.

- Who's here?

- Cartman?

- Yeah, but he's changed.

Changed how?

Yes, I know,

it's been a long time

since we've seen each other.

I'm doing really well.

I'm actually the head

of Gespetzah Synagogue

down in Colorado Springs.

Can you believe it?

I'm a rabbi.

Yeah, you know, when

the whole pandemic happened,

I think it changed me.

It really changed me

for the better.

- It did?

- No.

- He's fucking with me.

- What? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I get it,

the Eric Cartman you guys knew

didn't seem like

he'd become a rabbi.

But I found real meaning

in the Torah

and then I found a great

Jewish woman and...

let the spirit of the Talmud

guide our lives.

Okay, jut knock it off, fat-ass.

Dude.

Wow, that's very big

of you, Kyle.

Still living in South Park

and calling people fat-ass, huh?

Wait, I'm sorry,

that was uncalled for.

It's not fucking funny, Cartman!

Stop pretending you

have a happy Jewish life!

Hey, shoogina!

I'm sorry, I couldn't

wait in the car anymore;

I had to meet your friends.

Oh, that's okay.

Guys, this is my wife, Yentl.

I've heard so many stories

about you all.

It must have been amazing

to grow up

in these beautiful mountains!

Yentl? Her name is Yentl?

Can we fucking stop this

and talk about Kenny, please?!

- Oh, is that, uh...?

- Yeah, that's-that's Kyle, yeah.

I'm sorry, honey, can you

just give me a couple minutes?

I just need a few more

seconds with them

and I'll be right out

to the car.

Oh, okay, I get it.

Nice to meet you guys.

We'll see you at the funeral,

I guess.

And I'm very sorry

for your loss.

Bye, Mrs. Cartman.

Okay, look, guys, Kenny and I

were still really good friends.

He used to email me all the time

about stuff he was doing.

Yeah, me, too!

Well, so then maybe he also

told you that

he was trying to find

the origin of the coronavirus.

What are you talking about?

Kenny was obsessed with

how corona first got started.

He was clearly on to something,

and then he died.

I know we all want

to solve this for him.

You know, in the Torah,

when Abraham

first heard the word of God...

Just knock it off!

You don't believe

a word of that shit.

You're just doing all this

to get a rise out of me.

Kyle, you really think

I would spend 40 years

of my life

just to get a rise out of you?

- Yes, I do!

- Same ol' Kyle.

Well, I got to go, guys.

I'll see you at Kenny's funeral

tomorrow.

Maybe he's really changed.

No. He is fucking with me.

Sometimes I feel like

things weren't supposed

to be like this.

Like maybe there are others

in control of the way

it all turned out.

Is that what you're saying,

Dr. McCormick?

Are you saying that there are

other people responsible?

I guess what I'm trying to say,

Dr. McCormick, is...

your theories seem to point to

some kind of people with power.

Let me put it another way...

we've all seen the pictures

of you working in Egypt,

lecturing at MIT.

And you always seem to

come back to this concept

of this mysterious

organization who is to blame.

- Let me put it yet another way, Dr. McCormick.

- Hang on a second.

What was that?

Alexa, freeze the video.

- What?

- Freeze video

and reverse playback

ten seconds.

Stop there.

Enhance image 20%.

Ugh. Whatever.

Shift right ten frames.

Enhance.

Tegridy Weed?

Isn't that your dad's

old marijuana company?

Oh, shit.

Hi. Welcome.

Welcome, my friends.

So blessed to have you here.

Hello, my child,

thank you for coming.

- Yeah, sure.

- Wait, Stan?

Stan Marsh?

Praise be!

I haven't seen you in ages!

I'm sorry, do I know you?

Well, sure, it's me!

Scott Malkinson!

Remember me?

- Uh, no, sorry.

- I hung out with you guys

all the time

when we were little.

I was the kid with the lisp.

- Who had diabetes?

- Oh, yeah, sure...

Great to see you again.

Hey, guys.

Great to see you in church.

- It's Scott Malkinson.

- Who?

Scott Malkinson, I went

to school with you guys?

Oh, okay.

Hello. Welcome. Hey!

It's me! Scott Malkinson!

With the diabetes. No?

Kenny McCormick was

a cherished son, a wise man,

and a wonderful friend.

Kenny touched all

of our lives and made

each and every one of us

laugh, cry and ponder.

And in his death,

now we can reflect on

our own lives.

Are we happy?

Are we the person

we hoped to be?

Have we, like Kenny,

given all that we can

to forgive those around us?

For life is short,

and our family and friends

must be cherished.

You know, in many ways,

death is like diabetes.

You spend your whole life

trying to fight it off

but ultimately it just wins.

And so let's take the time now

to reach out to our friends.

To reach out to our family.

To tell our mothers

and our fathers that we...

All right! All right! Who

the fuck put you up to this?

Did you write

this goddamn speech, Kyle?

Did you tell him

to say all this stuff?

What the fuck

are you talking about?

You know that I know something

about Kenny

that I'm not telling you because

it involves my father,

who I don't want to face!

That's crazy and you'd be able

to face what happened

to your family if you

weren't a fucking asshole!

Guys, please,

this is a house of God.

You shut the fuck up!

You judge me,

you all sit here and judge me.

Well, fuck all of you!

This is exactly why I moved out

of this hick-ass town!

And I am going back home

to the city!

My child, please,

we are gathered in Christ...

My child, please,

we are gathered in Christ.

I'm Scott Malkinson.

I have diabetes.

He does remember me!

Alexa, start the car!

Start the car?

Where are you going?

I need to stop at a store

and then we're going home.

What about the connection

you just found

between Kenny and your father?

Alexa, find the nearest

liquor store.

Oh, you wanna get drunk?

Let me guess... someone said

something you didn't like

and it made you want to

pound beer and wine?

It's not

"pounding beer and wine."

I drop wine shots into the beer.

It's called a "smorgasvein"

and it's very cultural!

Stop acting like a child and

support your dead friend, Stan!

- You don't even have any...

- Alexa, stop!

Thank you.

Thank you, Father.

Hello, everyone.

My name is Rabbi Cartman

and I was Kenny McCormick's

very, very best friend.

Kenny was not a Jew,

but he had so many

amazing Jewish qualities.

Qualities that I see

in my loving wife

and my amazing kids,

that are right over there.

Over there by Kyle.

And as we all return now

to our homes

and our lives, I think that...

a lot like Abraham...

- let's not forget that...

- Excuse me. Everyone?

Hello?

Everyone, can I have

your attention, please?

We got results from the PNR scan

of Dr. McCormick's remains

and we now know

the cause of his death.

Now we all need to stay calm.

There is no reason

to panic, but...

Kenny died of COVID.

It's a new variant.

The COVID Delta Plus

Rewards Program variant.

Everyone, please!

We cannot panic!

That's it! We're all out

of chin diapers!

Oh, God, we're all out

of chin diapers!

Zoom...

Come on, come on, come on!

Remote learning!

Come on, come on, come on!

Alexa, what's going on?

There's some kind

of road closure ahead.

Set up a perimeter!

I want all exit points sealed.

People of South Park,

there is an outbreak of COVID

in your community.

You are being quarantined.

Hey, dude! I don't live here.

I need to get home!

Nobody is going in or out.

We have confirmation that

one person in this community

has never been vaccinated

against COVID,

so we must quarantine everyone.

One person?!

Well, who is it?!

We are not allowed to say.

But if you tell us who

the unvaccinated person is,

we can have them vaccinated

and then this will all be over!

We can't tell you who it is

because, in case you forgot,

it's the future, and we don't

single out or ridicule anyone

for their personal beliefs.

Gah! I hate the future!

What does this mean?

Yeah, what's it mean, Daddy?

I think it means...

we're all stuck in South Park.

Okay, there we go.

We'll get back

with the results.

Maintain six feet

social distance

and stay indoors.

Thank you.

Next, please!

Yeah, listen, I have to

get out of here.

Yes, don't we all.

No, no, no,

I don't belong here

and I don't have

anywhere to stay.

They've shut down

all the motels.

Do you have any friends or

family that you can stay with?

No, these people

are not my friends

and I have no family here.

- Oka...

- It's okay.

They've set up

an emergency shelter

for all the people who were here

from out of town.

Where?

All right,

everyone, listen up.

No way.

Welcome to

South Park Elementary.

We want to help you all

be as comfortable as possible.

So we will have quiet time

from 9:00 p.m.

to 6:00 a.m. every day.

I don't want to hear

any fucking gender-specific

language in here.

And if anybody here

casts a movie with someone

other than the culture

that that movie is about,

you are fucking out of here!

All right, thank you.

It is now 9:01. Lights out.

It's been a long time

since I've prayed.

I don't know

if anyone can hear me...

but we all really

need help right now.

I know in my heart

that Kenny didn't just die

of some new COVID variant.

I know there's something

way bigger going on.

But it all seems like

so much to take on.

Please, if there's

anyone who could

help see me through this,

it would be a miracle.

♪ Someone's at the door ♪

♪ This is the doorbell ♪

♪ Apparently in the future ♪

♪ All doorbells

sing, sing, sing. ♪

Yeah, I fucking know,

goddamn it!

Hey, Kyle.

Oh, man, this is crazy, huh?

The school is all filled up

and the motels are shut down.

I was, I was just hoping

maybe we could crash here.

Look, I, uh,

I don't think that's gonna work.

I figured Stan is probably

staying with you, too?

No. No, he's not.

Oh, great!

Then you have some extra rooms.

- We're gonna be okay, kids!

- Yay!

No, no, Cartman,

I'm sure there are

some other places you can stay.

My family would be

really comfortable

in a nice Jewish home.

Please, Kyle, for my kids.

We promise we'll be good,

Uncle Kyle.

Please, Uncle Kyle?

Please,

Uncle Kyle?

I can't believe this.

Come on, kids!

Oh, bless you, Kyle.

Don't worry,

I'll put them right to bed.

You won't even know we're here.

Toda raba, Uncle Kyle.

That's Hebrew for "thank you."

Guys, doesn't this all

seem a little too convenient?

What do you mean?

I mean that Kenny's death

is suspicious,

he talks about people

to blame and then

he suddenly dies of

some new COVID variant?

You think it's a cover, Token?

I think it's

definitely suspicious.

Speaking of suspicious,

what do you call a trans woman

that walks into

an abortion clinic?

Her name is Rebecca

and she's a fantastic person.

Just seems all nice

and buttoned up, doesn't it?

It's a perfect cause of death

and anyone who's trying

to sort it out is quarantined

because one person

isn't vaccinated?

It's true... who wouldn't be

vaccinated by now?

I'm certainly vaccinated.

- Yeah, I'm vaccinated.

- Me, too.

We're all vaccinated.

Yeah, I mean, I-I think

it's a personal choice.

What does that mean?

Are you vaccinated, Clyde?

I'm... immunized.

He's not fucking vaccinated!

He's the fucking one!

Hey, I just, I just

need to see the research

first, you know.

It's been 40 years, Clyde.

That's enough research!

Alexa, set an alarm

for 7:00 a.m.

Alexa,

set an alarm for 7:00 a.m.

Why don't you go talk

to your father?

Goddamn it.

If there's some kind

of connection

with your dad's farm that can

help everyone figure out

what's going on,

then you need to talk to him.

Can I just go to sleep, please?

Oh, poor you!

Poor you!

Stop being a fucking victim.

At least you get to go out

and do stuff.

What do I get to do?

- Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

- Oh, okay, great.

You're sorry, again.

By the way, I can tell you

about some great deals

on headphones at Best Buy.

Would you like to know more?

- Sure, yes, tell me more.

- Okay.

The Mark VII headphones

have a new edition coming out.

Should I add that

to your shopping list?

Yes, sure,

add them to my shopping list.

Okay.

I'll add Mark VII headphones

from Best Buy

to your shopping list.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you like that?

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah, you like how Abraham

trusted in the one true God?!

Yeah! Oh, oh, yeah! Yeah!

Goddamn it!

Oh. Shh, shh. Hang on, honey.

Hang on.

Yeah, yeah,

what's up, buddy?

What's up

is that I am over this!

What are, what are

you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about!

You know I can hear you

through the walls!

Okay, geez, I'm sorry.

Sorry I was making love

to my wife.

No Jewish people have sex

screaming about

their love of Abraham!

You are a fucking fraud!

Is everything all right?

Do you know that

your husband once snuck

in my room

and gave me fucking AIDS?!

- I'm sorry?!

- Oh, my God, Kyle!

If we are being too loud, please

don't lash out at my wife!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God,

I don't know what to say.

Mom, Dad, is everything okay?

It's all right, kids.

Go back to bed.

Kyle, obviously you have

a problem with us being here.

I promise you that we will be

gone first thing in the morning.

That's probably best!

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah!

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah, you like how Abraham

- almost sacrificed his only son?!

- Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

Sir! Sir,

the townspeople are demanding

to know when

the quarantine will end.

It'll end when we get the order

that everything is safe.

But, sir, the people inside

are running out of supplies.

They're saying they don't

have nearly enough

chin diapers and

people are starting to fight.

I have strict orders not to let

anything in or out of this town.

They'll just have to make do

the best they can in there.

Hopefully they can

maintain some sense of humanity.

We got a runner!

Another one trying to get out!

Please!

I just need to go to

a sporting event!

Hey, Clyde. Clyde, can we

talk to you for a second?

Sure, what's up?

Look, Clyde,

we all really respect

your personal p-p-preferences.

But we have things we

really need to get back to.

We've got jobs a-and careers,

people who need us.

B-But we're being forced

to stay here.

So could you maybe just...

just get vaccinated real quick?

Oh. Um...

Nah. I don't wanna.

Look, I'm sorry, guys.

It's for health reasons.

I can't get vaccinated 'cause

I'm allergic to shellfish.

Clyde, there's no shellfish

in the COVID vaccine.

I know,

but I read that sometimes

in the lab where the vaccine

is made,

if somebody ate shellfish,

then it can

get cross-contaminated

and have leftover

residual shellfish-ness.

So you're saying you

won't take the COVID vaccine

out of shellfish-ness.

Yes, that is correct.

Just a general sense

of shellfish-ness.

Everyone, you better

come check this out.

Look at this.

The McCormick Science Wing

at South Park Elementary.

Yeah, so? I read about this.

Kenny donated tons of money

to build a science center

for the students.

Yeah, for the students.

So why does it

have a lock on it?

This must be where Kenny

was doing all his research.

He didn't want to be found,

so he used the school as cover.

Uh, guys, why is there

blood everywhere?

Everybody see what you can find.

There's got to be a clue here

of who killed Kenny.

♪ In the future ♪

♪ We are living in the future ♪

♪ It's the future. ♪

And we are the

fastest growing retirement home

in Park County.

With our newest tower,

we can now house over

600,000 old people.

'Cause in the future you're old

for a long, long time.

Can I help you?

My name is Stan Marsh.

I came to...

visit my dad.

Mr. Marsh.

Mr. Marsh, guess what.

Your son is here.

I don't have a son.

Oh, come on, Mr. Marsh,

don't be a grumpy pants.

You tell that piece of shit

that if he wants to

talk to me,

he can write an email.

Tell that little pussy

if I had any grandkids,

maybe I wouldn't be so bitter

at having such a little bitch

for a son!

- Hi, Dad.

- Oh, hey, Stan.

I'll leave you two alone.

So, looks like

the Broncos still suck.

Yup.

Well, it was nice seeing ya.

Thanks for coming to visit.

I didn't come to visit.

Trust me,

I don't want to be here.

Right, like you didn't

want to murder your sister.

What happened to Shelley

was your fault, not mine!

Yeah, like it was my fault

your mom shot herself!

Yes, it actually was!

Your mom died the day

her daughter burned to death!

I'm just here because of Kenny.

Why would he have

Tegridy Weed in his equations?

Dr. McCormick mentioned Tegridy?

It seemed to somehow fit

into some grand theory he had.

He knew. He knew

it was the way to fix it all.

He knew...

about the Pandemic Special.

But, Mom,

why do we have to leave?

It's not safe outside!

We aren't welcome here,

children.

We have to find another

place to stay.

Oh, no, this is just like

when our people were

exiled from the Holy Lands.

Mrs. Cartman,

can I talk to you, please?

- Uncle Kyle!

- Uncle Kyle,

why are you making us go? Why?

Is it 'cause we're Jews?

Mrs. Cartman,

I'm sorry for last night.

I was just... tired and it was

extremely inappropriate of me.

Dad!

I think Uncle Kyle

is gonna let us stay, Papa!

Uh, no, kids, I'm sorry, but we

can't stay here with Uncle Kyle.

Please stay.

I am asking you to stay.

Can we, Dad?

We'll be good, we promise!

You little ones are always good.

♪ Mik-helm, Mik-helm,

mit cloiska pudding ♪

♪ Vil plotz vit laughter, too ♪

Stop it!

♪ Someone is at the door! ♪

♪ Yeah! This is the doorbell! ♪

♪ It is the future! ♪

They killed Kenny...

because he was

trying to stop it.

Stop what?

We found Kenny's lab.

All of his confidential work

and his wild experiments.

Kenny wasn't just trying to find

the source of the coronavirus.

He was trying

to go back in time,

and stop the pandemic

from ever happening.

Okay, old people.

It's 4:00.

You know what that means.

It's share time!

Who has something that they

want to share?

Mr. Garrison?

I'd like to share

my dick in your mouth.

M'kay.

Okay, guys, let's settle down.

Look, I know sharing feelings is

hard during this time of crisis.

Is anyone feeling nervous

about the new COVID outbreak?

We don't want you to worry,

because, you know,

it's the future...

we all do everything we can

to make sure

old people don't die.

Okay, if nobody else

wants to go first,

Randy Marsh had

a little visitor today

and he'd like to share that

with all of you.

Uh, hey, everyone. I had

a special visitor today.

My "son."

Who hasn't come to see me

in over 20 years.

And I have some things

I need to tell him

but it's hard because...

he killed his mom

and his sister.

Okay, okay,

here's what happened.

Oh, here we go, here we go.

After the pandemic,

my mom wanted a divorce

and she owned half of the farm.

She didn't own half,

she always hated weed,

and she didn't do shit

for the farm.

He wouldn't give her half

the farm, so I got sick

of their fighting

and decided to burn

the whole stupid farm

to the ground.

And his sister was in the barn

and she burned to death.

Because you locked her

in the barn 'cause she wouldn't

do her weed chores

'cause she hated weed, too!

Yes, she had

a marijuana problem.

And so his mother

couldn't take the loss

of Shelley

and so she killed herself!

Which is your fault.

You were the one who

burned the family business

to the ground.

You guys are hearing this,

right?

So, Kenny spends years

researching time travel,

then suddenly Kenny dies,

and all his fellow

scientists go missing.

Just leaving behind

a trail of blood.

Seems like all of

the scientists were murdered

so that nobody could

complete Kenny's work.

All of them except one.

In almost all this research,

one name keeps popping up:

Victor Chouce.

It appears that Chouce

was Kenny's right-hand man.

But he was insane.

He's been locked up for years

inside a mental institution.

Oh, come on.

Now we're gonna start talking

to certifiably crazy people?

Crazy or not,

we find this Victor Chouce

and we find where

Kenny hid the information.

Yes.

Yes, that is correct.

Victor Chouce is

one of our patients here.

What is the nature

of your inquiry?

We have reason to believe

that Victor Chouce

can answer questions

regarding our friend's death.

Could you put him

on the line please?

I'm afraid that's impossible.

Victor is too unstable for

phone calls. They confuse him.

Well, can we come

talk to him in person then?

Yes, I believe

that could be arranged.

As long as

the proper protocols are met.

Is everyone

in your party vaccinated?

No.

Well, then

I'm afraid we can't allow you

into our facility.

But-but we have to talk to him!

It's urgent!

What'd they say?

They're not

gonna let us see him!

It's some kind of

goddamn conspiracy!

Listen to me, it's very simple.

I need to take my dad

out of here.

He has to come with me.

I'm afraid that's impossible.

Senior citizens are

in here to keep them safe.

You know, it's the future...

we can't let old people die.

- I told you, stupid.

- Shut up, Dad.

Look, there's a chance we

can help fight this new variant.

I just need him out for

a couple hours

so we can

get something important.

Well, why don't you

just go get it?

Because he won't tell me

where it is because

- he doesn't trust me.

- Because he killed his mom.

Look, I'm sorry,

but this is the future.

Nothing is more important than

keeping old people alive.

What if you took him out there

and, God forbid,

he crapped his pants?

And then slipped on

the old people diarrhea

and hit his head?

We'd have to shut down

the entire country,

for Christ's sake.

Well, I guess that's it.

Only one way out now.

Kick him in the balls, Stan!

- What?!

- Kick him in the balls!

- Come on, hurry!

- Get your hands off of me!

- Dad!

- Goddamn it, Stan,

kick his fucking balls

so we can go!

Fuck!

Okay, grab his keys!

Grab his keys, you stupid ass!

Warning. Warning.

Old person has escaped.

Old person has escaped.

Warning.

All of these documents

we found in Kenny's lab

referred to possible origins

of the coronavirus.

He wanted to go back

and stop it.

But to stop it, he had to

figure out how to bend time.

Exactly. There's notes...

years and years of research

that Kenny compiled...

all on the possibilities

of time travel.

You silly girl.

You, yes.

Who's a little mister, yes.

Who's a little hetzpah?

Who's my little meshugana?

Excuse me!

Geez, sorry, Kyle.

Kenny was researching

the nature of space-time

to see if some kind

of bending was possible.

But then suddenly, all

the research just gets cut off.

Because whoever

made the pandemic happen

killed Kenny before

he could go back and stop it.

Silly girl. Yes.

Will you please knock it off?!

What's the problem, Kyle?

You know what you're doing,

fat-ass!

Goddamn it, why don't you lay

off my fuckin' dad, Uncle Kyle!

Moisha! He's never

talked like that before.

I'm sorry, Mom. It's just...

Uncle Kyle,

he makes me so crazy!

That is not okay, Moisha.

But it's true, Dad.

Uncle Kyle makes me crazy, too!

- Menorah!

- Fuck you, Kyle.

Hackelm!

You guys, listen.

In Kenny's work

he talks about where he would

hide important information.

He says his friends

will always know where to look

if they just

think like kids again.

Think like kids again...

I know where Kenny hid

what we're looking for.

It's up his ass.

Who's the broad?

That's just my Alexa.

That's the best

you could do, huh?

Is it even the new one?

- Excuse me?

- Just ignore him.

Okay, fine, there's a new

upgrade available

for your Amazon Prime

membership.

Would you like to know more?

Not now, please.

Okay, so I guess

just fuck me, then?

Uh-huh.

This was once

such a magical place.

Can we just get this over with?

I don't want to be here.

You think I want to be here?

This is where I lost

everything that I cared about!

And your mom and your sister!

Dad, there's nothing here.

Dad?

I think I can

trust you now, Stan.

It's time for you to learn what

your friend Kenny was after.

When the pandemic started,

you were only a kid.

You don't remember the pain

we all went through.

Yeah, I do.

We as Americans

went through so much.

First, that incompetent

jack-hole was elected president.

Then the pandemic came,

and then the race wars.

And then just when it seemed

like we'd turned a corner,

Space Jam 2 came out,

and we all just kind of gave up.

What we lost,

Stan, was our Tegridy.

But it was all by design.

They needed us to lose it.

Who did?

Who would want us

to lose our optimism

and start fighting

with each other?

China.

- China?

- China.

They're the superpower now.

The future is totally theirs

and we let it happen.

A man in China

had sex with a pangolin

and that started COVID.

That man was me.

So I knew how to go back

and stop them

from taking over...

Wait, whoa, whoa,

wait, wait, wait.

You started COVID?

Yes, but that's

besides the point.

China used me

like they used us all.

So I came up with a way

to help everyone fight back.

A special Tegridy weed.

You had sex with a pangolin

in China and started

the whole pandemic?!

Will you listen

to what I'm saying?!

Gal!

I worked to create more Tegridy,

but China did everything

they could to stop me.

They even got to my son.

Who burned all of

Tegridy Farms to the ground.

But what you didn't even know

was that I had secretly

created a new strain of weed.

A weed so powerful, I couldn't

even call it a special.

It was more like an event.

I hid it away all these years.

And now it... is the key

to saving us all.

- Where the fuck is it?

- What?

The Tegridy Weed Special Event!

Where the fuck is it?!

I don't know, Dad!

They got it. They took it!

There's even fresh

footprints on the ground!

Oh, Jesus!

So maybe it wasn't the Chinese.

Yeah, no, it was definitely

the Chinese. Oh, God.

That was it! That was

the very last bit of Tegridy!

The only other thing I had

were some seeds that I hid

up my ass, but they took them

from me at the old folks home!

Wait a minute.

What did you say?

I said they took them from me

at the old folks home.

No, before that.

Oh. I said I hid 'em

up my ass.

Jesus. It's so simple.

How did we not get it?

Alexa, start the car!

There's no point now, son!

It's all gone.

It's all lost. All lost.

Randy.

Randy.

Ah...?

ICU, please. Blue Team, ICU.

"Un-cle Kyle."

"Uncle Kyle."

Say it, Hackelm.

- "Uncle Kyle."

- Fuck you, Kyle.

No, no, no.

"Uncle Kyle."

Fuck you, Kyle.

Oh, my gosh, no.

We're so sorry about this.

Hackelm, say "Uncle."

"Uncle. Uncle Kyle."

Fuck you, Uncle Kyle!

Hey, that was better.

It isn't gonna work.

The hospital says

we don't have authorization

to see Kenny's remains.

What?!

Sounds like someone

doesn't want us

to see Kenny's remains.

'Cause we might find the truth.

There has to be

a way for us to get in there.

- Ha ha. Fuck you, Uncle Kyle!

- Hackelm.

What the hell

are you guys doing here?

- Stan?

- What are you doing here?

I've been trying to

find out who killed Kenny.

I think I know where he

stored the information.

It's in his asshole.

- Yes.

- Well, it doesn't matter.

They won't let us

into the morgue.

Yeah, that's because

you guys don't think.

Excuse me?

We need to examine

the remains of Dr. McCormick

right away.

Like I told the others,

only certified medical personnel

are allowed to examine cadavers.

Stan Marsh, consultant

for Post-Modem Beveragetainment

Online Services.

One moment, Doctor.

This is highly unorthodox.

We don't normally allow

outsiders into the morgue.

That's understandable, Doctor,

but luckily I am orthodox.

I don't think this

is suitable for children.

You guys go.

You were the closest to him.

We'll stay back

and watch the kids.

I'm sorry we can't

supply any chin diapers.

Just maintain social distance.

Middle cabinet,

second from the bottom.

Hello, old friend.

Ah, come on!

Well, let's get him...

turned over.

Somebody's got to look.

I'm not reaching up Kenny's ass.

Well, somebody has to.

- Cartman, go ahead.

- No, I can't do it.

If anyone should reach up

Kenny's ass,

it should be you, Kyle.

I thought you were

his fucking "best friend."

I was his best friend,

but I am also married,

so I can't be fingering

people's buttholes.

God, you guys fucking suck.

I'll just do it.

Just like I always had to

fix fucking everything else!

You did not

"fucking fix everything,"

you just started acting like

everyone else was stupid.

Oh, really? Because

they were acting stupid?

Yeah, because you got all

self-righteous about everything.

- I got self-righteous?

- Yeah, you got self-righteous.

Do you know what

fucking sanctimonious means?

No, Kyle, why don't you

fucking tell me

what fucking

sanctimonious means.

See, this is exactly

how you acted when

- the pandemic started to...

- Wait!

Hold on.

We've got it.

- Oh, my God.

- What?

It's got shit on it.

That's dead people shit.

What are you working on, Clyde?

I'm going through

Kenny's journals again

to try to find some answers.

Seems like we just keep hitting

dead ends, you know?

I'm just tired

and I want to go home.

I know. I'm exhausted, too.

You want to maybe

do a little bump?

Huh?

I was just...

I've got some coke

and I thought we could...

I don't know,

do you want to party?

Fuck yes, I want to party.

- Really?

- Fuck yes.

Oh, I'm so glad you're down.

Nobody else is even cool enough

for me to ask.

It's pretty good shit, too.

Oh, man. Thank God.

Thank God I brought this.

Here ya go.

Fuck yes.

Let's fucking party.

Wait a minute.

- What is this really?

- What do you mean?

This isn't cocaine, it's

the COVID vaccine, isn't it?!

I'm not putting

that shit in my body!

Forget it, guys, it didn't work.

You guys were gonna trick me

into taking the vaccine?!

Goddamn it, Clyde,

we want to get out of here!

My body is a temple

and I'm not taking that shit!

Let's just face it, guys,

it's over.

We're never going to find

what Kenny was after.

Whoever controls the world

and killed our friend

is just gonna get away with it.

Not so fast!

We did it! We found Kenny's

hidden information!

- You did?

- And now we can finally

learn the truth!

Whoever Kenny was after,

we are gonna

take those fuckers down!

The date is November 3rd.

It is 2:07 p.m.

Dr. Kenneth McCormick

will now be

attempting to travel back

in time.

In order to stop the COVID

pandemic from ever happening.

He did it?

Dr. McCormick believes

that going back

is the only way

to stop the people

who have ruined the future.

In the event of

Dr. McCormick's death,

he wants everyone

to know the group

that is responsible

for the way things are.

It is,

"My three dickhead friends,

Stan, Kyle and Cartman."

What?!

Dr. McCormick says

that these three

completely ruined everything

when they let COVID

break up their friendship

and became argumentative,

combative, pessimistic assholes.

He says he hopes

you guys are watching this.

He spent his whole life

trying to fix your broship

and then realized

this was the only way,

'cause you guys suck.

The sequence is active!

The historic moment is here!

Godspeed, Dr. McCormick!

Wait! Dr. McCormick,

you forgot your chin diaper!

Something's wrong!

All this time,

the bad guys we were after,

who Kenny said ruined

the future, was you guys?

Wendy, I've been trying

not to say anything but...

your friends are all

kind of douchebags.

Kenny was right.

All this time,

we've been trying to figure out

whose fault this all was.

It was our fault.

I remember when we were kids.

We were so optimistic.

We lost that.

We lost our sense of fun.

Our sense of humor.

Maybe the pandemic

was a big test.

And we all failed.

Let's face it, guys.

We killed Kenny.

Yeah. Kenny was right.

Back in the old days,

we wouldn't give up like this.

We would have just set out

to save our friend,

no matter how impossible

it seemed.

What we would have done...

and what we

should have done then...

was double down on our respect

and our love for one another

and fight through it

instead of

fighting with each other.

We can save Kenny.

We just have to finish his work.

How? We don't know anything

about quantum physics

and time travel.

I don't know how.

But we start by believing.

In each other

and in what is yet to come.

We have to go back to being

those kids we once were.

Even if it means

calling Jesus or Santa.

Come on, guys,

we've got work to do!

Sounds good.

I'll be right back.

Moisha, Hackelm, kids,

get your things.

We need to go now.

What's going on, Dad?

Your Uncle Kyle wants to

go back and change things.

He's going to try

and change the past.

But I like things

the way they are.

Me too, Dad. Do you think

he'll be able to do it?

No, kids.

Fuck Uncle Kyle.

Yay!

- Yay, Daddy!

- Fuck Uncle Kyle!

It wasn't supposed

to be like this.

People were supposed to

get kinder in the future.

I'm so sorry

what happened to both of you.

It wasn't your fault, Randy.

It was all Stan's fault.

Yes, it was all Stan's fault.

Thanks for saying that,

you guys.

I'm sorry Stan

sucks so hard sometimes.

Don't give up, Randy.

Humanity needs you.

No!

I can't do it alone!

How can things possibly go

back to the way they were?

It can't be.

It's impossible.

It's the last little

sprout of Tegridy.

I have to get you

somewhere safe.

We have a lot of work to do.

We just had another call asking

to speak with Victor Chouce.

You're quite a popular man,

Victor.

I wonder what

all the fuss is about.

Don't feel like talking, huh?

You will.

♪ We are all, you and me ♪

♪ We are all living

in the future ♪

♪ We can't get stuff

'cause boats are late ♪

♪ And nobody's working

in the future ♪

♪ They don't sell tostadas

anymore at Taco Bell ♪

♪ Welcome to the future ♪

♪ In the future ♪

♪ We are living in the future ♪

♪ It's the future ♪

♪ We're living in the future. ♪