SoulMaid (2007) - full transcript
When Moses is visited by a spurned goddess named Glintentica, he must choose between faith and love.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MOSES: Hey, what
are you doing here?
DAVID: I'm what you've
been waiting for.
MOSES: What?
DAVID: I'm who you're
going to fall in love with.
-What?
-We're going to spend the
rest of our lives together.
-This is craziness.
Just craziness.
What's your sign?
DAVID: I'm a Leo.
-What's your favorite color?
-Actually, I prefer a
favorite color combination.
Uh, right now, I'm really into
baby blue and chocolate brown.
Oh, I love what you've done
with the walls in here.
-What's your favorite song?
-"Autumn Sweater"
by Yo La Tengo.
-And we're married.
-You're not ready yet.
-Oh, but I am.
I'm so totally needy.
Ready.
-What are these?
-From work.
-And-- and you were going
to just throw them away?
-Well, I'm not going to
wipe my butt with them.
[ALARM BEEPING]
[CHANTING]
[KNOCKING]
-Jesus Christ, can you
please stop singing?
-[HUMMING].
-Ooh, you have gum.
Can I have some?
Oh, shit.
I'm such a douche.
Were you in the middle
of getting dressed?
-Oh, god no.
No, my parents were nudists.
Yeah, this is way overdressed
as far as I'm concerned.
-Well, you know what?
I can dig it just as long
as you don't get fat.
Oh my god, I love what you
have done with this room.
It is bitching.
Oh.
My last roommate,
all French country.
Oh my god, she
had to be stopped.
-Are you OK?
You look kind of ragged.
-What?
OMG, um, I think I
got raped last night.
[SIGH]
You know what?
I'm going to call
this look the accused.
All I need now is
a pinball machine.
-Something happened to you?
-Yeah.
I only got dumped by
Mr. Aaron Parkinson.
Apparently, I have
boundary issues.
Apparently, it's not OK to
makeout with his friends.
-Oh, god.
I'm so sorry.
-You know what?
I hope he gets
cancer of the ass.
And I hope he shits blood.
Oh, I'm cramping so bad today.
You know what?
I'm not even going to work.
Fuck it.
Aaron puts me on morning shift
after breaking up with me.
What the fuck is up with that?
[SCOFF]
OMG.
You know what?
Give me a tarot card reading.
-No, I have to go to work.
-No, come on.
Just do it really fast.
-OK.
Sit on the bed.
And you have to shuttle the
deck and think about your hopes
and dreams, and then the future
and what stands in your way.
-Oh my god.
Aaron, he is such
a fucking ingrate.
You know what?
I did everything for him.
It was-- [SIGH].
He never paid me any attention.
But you know what?
His friends did.
And maybe it was like, he
doesn't have the problem,
you know?
No, you know what?
He does have the problem.
I cannot even believe
that I sucked his dick.
You know, I cannot--
first date, too.
It was amazing.
You know, usually
I'm not the kind
of girl that does
stuff like that.
But I thought it was special.
-So I have the cards
laid out in four
positions around the outside.
And the one closest
to you is you.
So that's where
you're coming home.
That's the things
that live within you.
And that's where the reading
is going to come from.
OK, so the first
card that you have
is the 10 of wands,
which is oppression.
You're coming from a place of--
-He totally oppresses me.
-OK.
-He treats me so bad.
-OK, good.
Keep that in mind.
Your second one over
here is the seven
of disks, which
stands for failure.
Failure is what is
your affirmation.
That is, what has been confirmed
that is in your future.
-Oh, that sucks.
-OK?
-Do another one.
-Your third one--
we 'll keep moving.
The third one is your
negation, and that
is the princess of swords.
-Oh, I'm going to
stab him in the face?
-Right.
But that's your negation.
That's your obstacle
that lies ahead.
-Shit, like prison?
-Um, OK.
Now, this position stands
for your hopes and dreams.
And usually, your hopes
and dreams are the--
-I hope he gets the clap.
--same thing.
Oh.
So you have the tower
because you thrive on chaos.
Yeah, OK.
And then your final
outcome was disappointment.
-What the hell kind
of reading is that?
It-- no, you know what?
Do another deck.
Do another one where I
am like the [INAUDIBLE].
-That's not how it works.
This is the real deal.
OK, you're tapping into
some raw stuff here.
I'm juiced.
I had a seizure this morning.
-Are your serious?
-Yeah, I told you about
it when I moved in.
-Yeah, but you said you
didn't have it anymore.
Are you OK?
-Yeah, I'm great.
-What is it you have again?
-Temporal lobe epilepsy.
-Oh my god, you like
shake all around?
-Uh, no.
It's not like that.
Here's what happens.
Um, my brain sort of spasms
in my temporal lobes.
OK?
They're part of
the limbic system
that controls
emotion and memory.
And that part of
the brain is where
feelings of divinity and
religious experiences happen.
So when they spasm
and seizure, it's
as if these giant waves
of god rush through me.
-Oh my god.
I knew this girl one time who
did like 10 tabs of ecstasy
and the same thing happened
to her, but then she died.
But before she died, she
like baptized three people
or she spit on
them, or something.
I don't know, I can't
remember the story.
But oh my god, that sucks.
When did that start happening?
-Well, my first memory
is of an episode.
See, my parents were married
on this clothing-optional soy
farm.
And then at some point
after I was born,
these Mormons came
knocking on the farm
and my parents were
tripping balls.
So we were converted.
Yeah.
So, um, there was this
time when I was in church
and I started to feel
these angels singing to me.
And I stood up and I
started speaking to them.
And apparently it was only
gibberish at the time,
but it made sense to me.
And then ever since
then, my parents
have been calling me Moses.
But when I was
13, I fell in love
with this 14-year-old Jew
who was on the track team.
And he had that wavy Jew hair.
Oh, he was dreamy.
-So sweet and anti-semitic.
-It's not anti-semitic.
You cannot hate someone's people
if you think they're sexy.
-Oh.
-Anyway, I had a seizure while
I was making out with him.
Needless to say, I found
the real Jesus in his pants.
-You know what?
You totally need
to write a book.
No, a gospel.
MOSES: Yeah, right.
-So what'd you see?
-What?
-You said you had a vision.
-Seizure.
-No, whatever.
You know, what'd you see?
-So here's what happened.
I was in bed.
I was asleep, and then
it was-- I felt alive,
like everything came together.
But then I was like,
ah, I don't feel right.
Something's off.
It feels like the last time I
was about to have a seizure.
-You must finish this before
you can be ready for me.
-Is that sanitary?
-You see, that's why
you're not ready.
-All right.
All right, fine.
But can we still makeout?
-Nothing comes without struggle.
Any prophet will tell you that.
-Am I going to have to get
crucified or something?
-No.
That boy was a
total drama queen.
I'll see you soon.
-This kicks ass.
-What do you think it means?
-I think it means my friend
would jiz if he saw this.
He works at a gallery
on Peoria Street.
-It's not supposed to be art.
It's supposed to be my destiny.
-Wow.
That was fucking deep.
-Mm.
All right, well, I
got to get to work.
-Mm.
Thanks for the reading.
-See you later.
-OK.
[BUZZER RINGING]
-Who is it?
MOSES: GuysMaid4U.
-Come on up.
[KNOCKING]
MOSES: Oh my god, what happened?
-You know what?
Uh, what happened?
I don't know.
I just moved in here.
-It's not a problem.
-A family of six
lived here before me.
Can you imagine that
Cirque Du Soleil?
But a mother of
five's idea of clean
is vastly different
from a faggot,
you know what I'm screaming?
Of course you do, you're gay.
Is that too personal?
-No.
No, that's not too personal.
Yeah, me and penises
are like that.
-Oh, good.
Well, this place just reeks of
emotionally abandoned children.
I can't have that.
Do you think you
can get rid of it?
-Oh, god.
For an extra $50, I'll
totally smudge your apartment.
All I need is a quarter
pound of fresh sage.
-I don't know, I'm a Jew fairy.
We don't do voodoo.
We do Mr. Clean.
-Got it.
You can look.
-Oh.
-It's OK, I'm not embarrassed.
That's why we do it
in our underwear.
-I just didn't want to be rude.
MOSES: Yeah.
You paid me to clean your house.
It's not a problem.
Do you mind if I
listen to music?
-No.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Could you take
your underwear off?
-Um, no.
It hurts to get bleach
and ammonia on my crotch.
-Oh.
-How about a jock strap?
I think I have one.
MOSES: Um, really.
I'm good.
Thanks.
-Well, can I take
my clothes off.
-Um, you know what?
Let's not do that.
-Well, can I touch you?
Can I touch myself?
-OK, this is my friend, Pete.
Oh, he's Thor now.
Um, he's probably more
what you're looking for.
I just clean your
house while you watch.
He's a body worker.
-Oh, great.
I just want to get
the ground rules down.
-It says in my ad--
-People say a lot of
things in their ads.
I had some guy say he
was straight acting
and he came over sounding
gayer than Carol Channing.
-Carol Channing's not gay.
-Well, he sounded
like Carol Channing.
What's your name?
-Moses.
-I knew you were Jewish.
-I am not a Jew, which my first
boyfriend was a Jew-- ish.
-I'm reformed.
But still neurotic.
-Ha, all right.
So do I clean up your
nachos or do I go?
Ah.
Come on.
Come on, seizure.
MAN (VOICEOVER): Clean my boots.
I want to see them spit-shined.
MAN (VOICEOVER): What
do I want you to clean?
I want you to clean my balls.
That's what I want you to clean.
MAN (VOICEOVER): Oh, no,
that's just discharge.
MAN (VOICEOVER): That
stain over there?
No, that's not blood.
That one over there,
that one is blood.
MAN (VOICEOVER): It puts
the lotion in the basket.
MAN (VOICEOVER): A family
of six lived here before me,
can you imagine that
Cirque Du Soleil?
MAN (VOICEOVER):
You must finish this
before you can be ready for me.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): All right.
All right, fine.
But can we still makeout?
MAN (VOICEOVER): Nothing
comes without struggle.
Any prophet will tell you that.
MOSES (VOICEOVER):
Can we still makeout?
Can we still makeout?
Can we still makeout?
Can we still makeout?
-This is it.
This is it.
-Ah.
-Oh, god.
I'm so sorry.
-Oh, no.
No, don't apologize.
It was actually pretty great.
Um, look I have a situation.
-Oh, I'm sorry, it's cash only.
I'm a human magnet
for bad checks.
-No, no, no, the guy that
repaired my computer's coming
over and I was
hoping you could wear
something more when he's here.
-Oh, I don't mind if he sees me.
-No, no, no.
I don't want the
repair guy to know
that I'm a perverted old faggot.
-You shouldn't care what
other people think about you.
-What's with the lip?
I'm paying you.
-Yeah, to clean your
apartment with my clothes off.
[BUZZER RINGING]
-Oh my god, look at you.
He's going to think
I'm a child molester.
Come on up.
-Oh my god, breathe.
-Please put some pants on.
-All right.
All right.
Don't pass out.
JOB: Hey, come on in.
The computer's over here.
DAVID: Oh, uh, yeah.
About your computer,
I'm sorry to say,
but your hard drive crashed.
I would recommend
getting a new model,
or at least upgrading
the motherboard.
But you'd be happy to know
that the new model comes
in several different
color combinations.
I have one in brown and blue.
You don't have a
cat in here, do you?
JOB: No.
DAVID: I have really
bad allergies.
JOB: I don't have a cat.
DAVID: It is, uh,
that time of season.
JOB: You mean you can't
retrieve my files?
I have to start all over?
DAVID: Nothing comes
without struggle,
any prophet will tell you that.
JOB: I don't have the
time to start over.
DAVID: Well, sir.
There's really not a
whole lot I can do.
-The sponges were
right all along.
-I have no idea who that man is.
-No, not on the-- oh my.
-What the hell?
I like girls.
I like-- I like pussies and
vaginas and-- and vulvas.
Yeah, that, too.
I like vulvas.
A lot.
-I think I handled
that the wrong way.
JOB: Why the hell
can't we do that?
I pay you $200 for a damn
glimpse of your bulge
and all I get is you
cleaning my windows.
-Oh, no, no, no.
-That young nerd is here
two minutes before you're
cleaning the back of his throat.
MOSES: No, don't understand--
-Get out.
Get out with your hard
biceps and your pecs
of steel and your--
-Ew.
Yeah, I should go.
-Oh, control that's just great.
My touch disgusts you.
That's a real treat to know.
How dare you.
I hope that young nerd
gives you strep throat.
-Oh my god.
Are you here to beat me up?
-How did you know?
MOSES: Know what?
-I didn't even know.
I mean, I never even had a clue.
I never even thought about it.
-All right.
It's because of this sponge.
-That kiss.
It was-- it was
fucking awesome, man.
-Well, thanks.
I'm glad you approve.
I've always been a strong
believer in a good lip
to tongue ratio.
-Can we do it some more?
-Hi, guys.
I think it's super great
that you're hitting it off.
But I was wondering, could
you get the fuck out of here?
-Are you coming?
-I'm just looking at the
symbol of our future love.
-Let's just stick
to the kissing part.
-OK.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-(SINGING) You appeared
from somewhere else.
Somewhere I'd never seen.
Big and buff, bold and
tough, you like Mr. Clean.
Now I feel the water hit me,
a slow and steady stream.
A sponge to wash
the lust inside me.
Can it get me clean?
Wash it.
Wash it.
So dirty.
Wash it.
Wash it.
Keep it clean.
Wash it.
Wash it.
It's so dirty.
Wash it.
Wash it.
Dip it in me.
Stick it in me.
See you walk out the door.
See you [INAUDIBLE].
See you.
I don't want [INAUDIBLE].
See you next Tuesday.
See you walk out on me.
See you praying for me.
See you worse off than me.
See you next Tuesday.
See you walk out the door.
See you [INAUDIBLE].
See you.
I don't [INAUDIBLE].
See you next Tuesday.
Hi, I'm Glintentica.
-No, you're Chloe Savalon.
I downloaded your album.
I even paid for it.
-I am speaking to you
through her image.
-Are you God?
-There is no God.
Only Glintentica.
At long last, a cleansed soul
has finally answered my beacon.
-Yeah, it's the epilepsy.
-You have much to prepare for.
I'm coming for you.
-Really?
-I will arrive on
Tuesday June 6th.
-Oh, wow.
That's like in three months.
It's cool we got
the same calenders.
-Start your preparations.
You must cleanse the souls.
Learn from my messages
in the sponges.
May you find comfort
in their absorbance.
-Thank you, Schenectady.
-It's Glintentica.
-Right.
Uh, so this is my true destiny?
Uh, what about David?
-Only those with
faith in you can
be part of your true destiny.
I shall see you at
midnight Tuesday June 6th.
-Hey.
Are you OK?
-What's going on?
-Wow.
You really are
tired, aren't you?
But why did you fall
asleep in the closet?
You on drugs?
You have just have some
weird microchip planted
in your brain that makes
you do weird things?
-God.
What did I do?
-Not much.
You were singing.
That's what woke me up.
MOSES: Really?
-Mm-hmm.
And like belting it, like
Freddie Mercury belting.
-[SIGH].
DAVID: Come on, let's get ready.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): The
last time I fell for a guy,
my vision stopped.
But I did have a
vision last night.
Does that mean I
don't love David?
Or does it mean I never
loved [INAUDIBLE]?
Oh, god.
Screw it.
So that night I told him.
I told him about my visions and
how the sponges led me to him.
I bared my soul.
I didn't bring up
Glintentica, though.
I didn't want to
scare him all at once.
But I did want
him to know that I
thought the visions were real.
They were more
than just seizures.
But he told me that
it was all just--
-Chemicals.
It's chemicals
reacting in your brain.
-Well, you could say the
same thing about love.
You could say the
same thing about God.
-Who believes in God anymore?
-Well, you know, like
there's something greater.
Like a next level.
I mean, don't you think
that we move on to something
else when we die?
-I think when we
die, we're dead.
When we're dead,
we're just nothing.
I'm an atheist.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): Well,
that doesn't make any sense.
Why would the vision
send me to an atheist?
To convert him?
Or is he right?
Are these seizures just
hippy-dippy brain farts?
-June 6th, 2006.
6, 6, 6.
Well, that can't be good.
Well, let's just hope it
is hippy-dippy brain farts.
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): [INAUDIBLE]
to truly baptize
a soul, you must
cleanse them inside and out.
The more you relish
in Earthly delights,
the further you are away--
To realize that your body is
a living conduit to my membrane.
I shall touch you
in strange places.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): OK,
I know it looks crazy,
but I was never happier.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
Wednesday, Tuesday.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): I was on
a pathway to enlightenment,
and I found love.
But there was a catch.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
Friday, Monday, Sunday.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): I couldn't
tell David about the visions
anymore.
He was all science
and technology.
He'd just think I was crazy.
But it kept eating at me.
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): May 20th.
May 22nd.
May 25th.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): My
meditations were suffering
because of it, so I
decided to spill my guts.
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): May 29th.
May 30th.
May 31st.
June 1st.
June 2nd.
-Well, aren't you
going to say anything?
-It's just-- you know, we've
been together for how long?
A month?
And for maybe a week of
that, you weren't a liar.
-I know I should
have told you that I
was still having the seizures.
-No.
You told me you
went to the doctor.
-I did.
-You said he prescribed
you medicine.
You said the seizures stopped.
-Well, I tried those pills, but
it's-- but it's just that when
I'm with you, you make it
seem like it's all in my head.
And when I'm with
you, I don't care.
I'm just happy.
But when I'm alone, she comes to
me and she wants me to prepare.
-Moses, look.
Spatuleta is not real.
-Glintentica.
Don't laugh at me.
-No, no, no, sorry.
I just downloaded a picture
of Wolverine and Cyclops
having sex.
-Oh, god.
Who's the bottom?
I would not have guessed that.
-Thanks.
-Mm-hmm.
-I don't know what
you want me to say.
-I just want you to-- [SIGH].
I just want you to believe me.
-I believe you have seizures.
-No, I want you to
believe that they're real.
That they mean something.
-But we know it's the seizures.
You have temporal sclerosis.
It causes temporal lobe
epileptic seizures.
It's a real disease.
-But I saw you in my vision,
and then you came to me.
My division changed you.
-For the last time, your
vision didn't turn me.
I was dating a girl,
now I'm dating a boy.
It's not the miracle
you make it out to be.
Look, honestly, it's not
like it was a big surprise.
I mean, I used to love watching
male gymnastics and swimming,
wrestling.
-So what does this mean?
-It means that when you're
ready to start taking
your medication,
you'll be ready for me.
Till then, you're
just not ready.
-You're right, I'm not ready.
But I will be on June 6th.
Come back to me then.
Then it will be OK.
-Can I get you
guys anything else?
-No, just the bill.
-OK.
-Put it away.
You're broke.
-I don't want you to
have to pay the bill.
-No, no, no.
I'm the one who convinced you
to stop cleaning houses naked.
It's not like I'm just
going to cut you off.
Not right away.
-I'm sorry.
-Hey.
I was just wondering
if we could have
a little roomie to roomie chat.
-About what?
-About you and your sponges.
-I told you,
they're about Glin--
-Glin-ticky-ticky-tavy.
I know.
-Glintentica.
-Whatever.
I think that you
have been thinking
this through all wrong.
I think if you
think about it, then
you should be addressing how
all of this is affecting me.
And realize that you
are incredibly boring.
But I have someone here who can
help get you a little focused,
so, you know, you can brush
your teeth, take a shower,
pay the rent.
You know, just off
the top of my head.
-Hey, lay off.
I don't need a doctor.
Hey, get out.
You didn't say he was here.
-Let me explain.
I was just getting to it.
-Ruth, beat it.
You're as gentle
as a hate crime.
-You'll be the victim
of a hate crime.
-Just give me a
moment, will you?
-Listen, doctor, I'm fine.
What are you doing?
-This piece on the ceiling,
what do you call it?
-A leaking roof.
-It's so natural.
Well, this room is
very fascinating.
Do you want to tell me about it?
-Who are you?
-Are you uncomfortable
when someone
unknown enters your space?
-Um, yeah.
Do you feel the need
to be isolated in order
to create these
pieces on the ground?
-I just have some things I need
to figure out before June 6th.
-Oh.
What happens then,
the apocalypse?
-Oh, god.
I hope not.
-Do you work best when you
are in love or in pain?
Some people say that
those are the only two
emotions, love and pain.
Some other people say that there
are only two people, those who
feel and those
who feel too much.
-Which am I supposed to be?
-That's what I'm asking you.
But we're getting
ahead of ourselves.
Why did you arrange the
sponges in this way?
-It's how they needed to be.
-Fascinating.
Look at you, you are an old man
trapped in the body of a boy.
It takes schizophrenics
20 years sometimes
to create pieces like this.
-Do you think I'm schizophrenic?
I don't know if you want to
prescribe any medication,
but the last doctor
gave me some pills
that did decrease the seizures.
-Pills?
Decrease the seizures?
-Yeah.
-Are you crazy?
This is a goldmine.
-Aren't you here to help me?
-I'm here to make you a star.
I'm Seth Smith.
I work at the Mind Cruncher
Gallery on Peoria and Randolph.
We have a group show coming
up and you are a must have.
-You're here for the sponges?
You don't even understand
what the sponges mean.
I need to figure out my destiny.
I have a calling, a
calling from Glintentica.
She's coming for me on June 6th,
and I need to be ready for her.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Quiet.
You've said too much.
-Yes.
But you need to share your coma.
You need followers.
You need an avenue to share
your visions with the world,
and I can help you with that.
I'm always looking for
new pieces to show.
-These aren't art.
They're just the products
of the inane ramblings
that are spasming
out of my head.
-That would sound
great on a panel.
Look, here's my card.
Why don't you give
me a call and let
me know when I can
pick the sponges up.
-I didn't say I'd
give them to you.
-You will.
You're not the only
one with visions.
You were right.
He's fantastic.
People are going to eat this
crazy shit up with a spoon.
So what's the take?
-I discuss that with the artist.
-I'm his manager.
-I'll sure you'll get a take.
-He owes me rent.
-But you believe him, don't you?
-I don't know.
He did meet David right
after he had a vision of him.
-Huh.
Well, I don't care if he is
crazy or the second coming.
What he's doing is
totally in right now.
-Yes.
-I am not giving
my sponges away.
They haven't told
me what to do yet.
-That's fine.
Fine, fine, fine.
There was a message
on the machine today.
Eric called.
-Ugly Eric?
-I don't know, he
said blonde Eric.
-Hot Eric?
-It could have
been retarded Eric.
I don't know, he called.
He wants you to come
and clean his apartment.
He wants you to wash his floors.
-Ruth, I'm in the
middle of a revelation.
-These words again--
I, I, I am so sad.
I have epilepsy, but
I don't shake around.
I like sponges.
What about me?
You're totally
fucking up my credit.
And I can't cover your ass.
We haven't even fucked.
-All right, fine.
I'll go.
-So you're really going to
clean my apartment first?
-First?
-You know, before
the good stuff.
-Uh, you don't get any
good stuff with me.
You never have and
you never will.
-I know you think I'm cute.
Fine, be professional.
A professional tease,
that's what you are.
Where's my beer?
Ah, in the bathroom.
Do you do laundry?
-Do you have a washer and dryer?
-Actually, I go to the
laundromat across the street.
-You want me to go to the
laundromat in my underwear?
-Do you want to go to the
laundromat in your underwear?
-Oh, god.
All right, here's a card.
It's my friend Thor.
Oh, he's Enrique now.
Uh, he's a body worker.
-Cut the shit,
let's see the goods.
-Hey, that's not cool.
-Come on, you totally gave
me a happy ending last time.
-No, I didn't.
-You didn't?
Who was that?
Oh, right.
Right.
-Learn from my messages
in the sponges.
-I remember who that was.
-You must cleanse the souls.
-That wasn't you.
-Hey.
-Shh.
Don't say another word.
I see your sadness.
It calls to me.
It begs to be purged
from your soul.
The obstructions of
the physical world
can confuse our soul's
true desires and emotions.
-This stuff smells.
-It's kind of burning my eyes.
-You are being
exonerated of the demons
that are crippling your soul.
This is not something
to be taken lightly.
I am offering you a direct
link to Glintentica,
and a chance to
purify your soul.
-These fumes are
making me dizzy.
-Breathe deeply.
It will cleanse your soul.
It will destroy
the filth that you
have breathed deep
into your lungs.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): It
was then at that moment
that it finally dawned on me.
When I washed this
poor homeless soul,
I was filling him with my
energy from Glintentica.
I am a direct link to her,
and it's growing stronger.
She's not going to appear
before me on June 6th,
she's going to take me over.
My body will be the
host for Glintentica,
and I must cleanse my
body before she can enter.
-Seth?
Um, I'm ready.
Yeah, I've change my mind.
It's all happening
on Tuesday, June 6th.
Bring your camera, something
big is going to happen.
OK, see you next Tuesday.
-Because Jason walks
in and sees him--
-How's it going?
-Can you hold on
for just a second?
All right.
Yeah--
-How's it going?
-Horrible.
It's still 14 hours to
midnight and I am bored.
Something better
happen soon or I'm
going to have to
start making shit up.
-Fine with me.
I'll be back after dinner.
Maybe he'll start acting psycho
by the time it gets dark.
-Nothing comes without struggle.
Any prophet will tell you that.
Can we do it some more?
And then you [INAUDIBLE].
I'm just looking at the
symbol of our future love.
-Hey, honey.
-I knew you'd come.
-Here's the deal.
I love you.
MOSES: Do you believe me?
-I want to.
I want to start over right now.
-Let me baptize you.
-No.
No.
I want to start over
without all this.
-What?
I haven't see you for
a month and you expect
me to stop searching for
what I've been looking for?
-You're not going
to find what you're
looking for in a fucking sponge.
You should be able
to find what you're
looking for right here in me.
-I'm sorry.
You don't understand.
-Please.
-I can't.
-So that's a no?
-It's a no.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
-You're just the vision
that I first had of David.
You never really came to me?
-But you still didn't choose me.
You should have chosen me.
-What do you mean?
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): He means
you have sworn your
allegiance to me.
Now, kill him before
he destroys us both.
-You're a sponge?
-Kill him.
He's fooling you.
He's been fooling you all along.
-Oh, god!
-I am not afraid to use this.
-He is not who you think he is.
He Is really Isaac Leibowitz
from your freshman track team.
-[INAUDIBLE]?
-Yeah, it's true.
Come on out Naomi.
-You remember me?
-Naomi [INAUDIBLE]?
-Well, he remembers.
At least you remember
the names of people
whose hearts you've ripped out.
-It was the sixth grade.
-You were mean.
-You're real?
This is real?
-We wanted to ease you into it.
That's why, uh, we made up
the whole Glintentica thing.
-How long have you
been doing this?
-Well, uh, let's see.
Uh, after you dumped me, my
parents moved to Milwaukee.
I heard you dropped out of high
school and moved to Chicago.
It took me a long
time to find you.
Luckily, you never questioned
how you stopped having seizures
after you dumped me, but
then started having them
again after you started
back up with me.
Or, uh, David as you
like to refer to me.
-None of this makes any sense.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Yes.
[INAUDIBLE]
-No, no, no, no.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Yes.
Yes.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Yes.
-No, no, no.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
Stick it in me.
-No, no, no, no, no.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
I'll see you next Tuesday.
SETH: Ruth?
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
See you next Tuesday.
SETH: Ruth.
Ruth.
Ruth, get in here.
Something's wrong.
-What happened?
-I don't know.
Is he dead?
-No.
-If he dies, this film
could be his legacy.
-Would you shut up and
put your damn camera down?
Call the ambulance.
He is not waking up.
MOSES (VOICEOVER):
I don't get it.
I've rewatched this in my
head a hundred times so far.
Is this how it's
supposed to end?
Is this what I've
been preparing for?
Or is this not real?
Is this another seizure?
Is it just a seizure?
David?
Can you hear me?
David, wake up.
David.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
Secret cooter.
MOSES: David?
David, wake up.
David, come in here.
-Moses?
What is this?
Where are you?
MOSES (VOICEOVER):
I'm in the hospital.
Come over here,
there's not much time.
Hey, mister.
Good to see you.
-You, too.
Look, Moses, I don't really
know what's going on right now.
-David, listen.
Glintentica is inside me now.
I'm coming out of my
coma, I can feel it.
But I know that once I wake
up, I won't be in control.
She will.
Since she's in my head, I have
access to some of her thoughts,
but she's blocking
stuff from me.
I don't know what her
plan is, but she's
going to try to trick you into
believing that I'm myself.
She's going to find
my friends and she's
going to trick them, too.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
Who are you talking to?
Get back, coma boy
Oh, [INAUDIBLE].
-What's going on?
Moses?
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
Shut up, infidel.
There is no Moses anymore.
I've taken possession
of his body.
He is my avatar now.
Glintentica shall ascend.
-No.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Yes.
There is nothing you
can do to stop me.
This has been 66
years in the making.
Even as we speak, I am reborn.
My exile is ending.
The new covenant of
Glintentica is upon you.
Ha-ha-ha.
-Bitch.
I will stop you.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Au
contraire, [INAUDIBLE] David.
You and your kind are
powerless against me.
I'll do you one favor, though.
-Oh, what's that?
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): I will
warn you, you little faggot,
that if you try and stop
me, I' will take away
the only thing that
keeps you loving Moses.
-Oh, what's that?
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
Your pitiful, filthy,
[INAUDIBLE],
homosexual faggotry.
-You--
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): You have
no idea what I'm
capable of, David.
Now I've got to get
the hell out of here.
Don't get in the
middle of my stuff.
You've been warned.
-You bitch.
You cunt.
-[SIGH].
Christ.
Jesus Christ.
Jesus fucking Christ,
I can't believe
that I sold out my roommate.
[SIGH]
That fucker Seth.
I should have
known I would never
get any cash from
that fudge packer.
I was just starting
to like Moses, too.
The little fuck.
Now he's in a goddamn coma
and I am all a-fucking-lone.
-Ruthy, shut the fuck
up and calm down.
-Oh my god.
Holy shit.
Oh.
-Got a pen?
-OMG.
WTF.
-So doll, how have you been?
-You-- you're-- you're
supposed to be--
you scared the piss
out me, you bastard.
What are you doing here?
-I just got out of the hospital
and figured you'd be here.
I missed you, baby.
I wanted to say hey.
-Are you sure you're OK?
I mean, you don't really
seem like yourself.
-Oh, muffin, I'm better
than I've ever been.
That last seizure was a doozy.
I have you to thank for that.
-I am so sorry about that.
-Seriously, don't be.
-Oh my god, this
is so much better
than it ever was
with Aaron Parkinson,
or any of his friends.
-Well, I got to jet.
I've got loads of
work ahead of me.
-Well, where are you going?
When will I see you again?
-Don't worry, cupcake.
You'll be seeing more of each
other than we ever did before.
I won't let you stray far.
Here, come to this address
on Wednesday afternoon.
I'll need your help.
Wear a skirt.
And forget your panties.
-Sure thing, hot dog.
-Later, s
[PHONE RINGING]
DAVID (ON PHONE): Hello.
Hello?
Who is this?
RUTH (ON PHONE): Um, hey, David.
It's Ruth.
DAVID (ON PHONE): Ruth?
Moses' roommate Ruth?
RUTH (ON PHONE): Yeah.
Um, listen.
Moses is out of the hospital.
DAVID (ON PHONE): He is?
Is he OK?
Is he staying with you?
RUTH (ON PHONE): I don't
know where he's staying.
And yeah, I guess he seems OK.
Different.
Kind of straighter.
DAVID (ON PHONE): Well, then
where the hell is he, Ruth?
RUTH (ON PHONE): Look, David.
I don't know where he is.
I just know that he asked me to
meet him somewhere on Wednesday
afternoon.
And if you want to see him,
then you should go too.
He said he wanted
help with something.
DAVID (ON PHONE): OK.
Yeah, look.
Why don't you just
email me the address?
RUTH (ON PHONE): Right.
I'll email it to you
tonight, and then
I'll-- I'll just see
you on Wednesday.
DAVID (ON PHONE): Yeah, see you.
MEN: Pussy pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
-Disciples, I am well pleased.
You have responded to my
beacon with haste and devotion.
And for that, Glintentica
applauds and blesses you,
for you are truly cleansed.
And today, you will be ready
to cleanse other souls.
For today, we shall
receive a visitation
from our fourth brother.
And here he is now.
Welcome, David.
-Uh, thanks.
I guess.
Ruth said you needed
help with something?
-It's just a little
spring cleaning.
So you remember your sister,
Ruth, and your brother, Job?
And you brother,
what is your name?
-Man, I totally have no idea.
-And you?
These are your brethren.
Join them.
In order to better prepare
you for the task ahead,
I have arranged a demonstration.
Brother Job, have you
secured a suitable subject?
-Yes, brother, I have.
-Retrieve him.
-No.
Get your filthy paws
off of me, you brute.
You icky, icky man.
What in the name of Barbara
are you people doing with me?
You psychos are
crumbling my couture.
-Be still, abhorrent creature.
To your knees.
Brothers and sister, behold
this poor excuse for a man.
His mind is a chasm
of depravity, a vacuum
that sucks up nothing but filth.
A cancer on masculinity
itself, but we--
we have the power to rid
him of this sucking void.
By the grace of Glintentica
herself, we shall purify him.
David, get a well-wet sponge.
Hold it over him.
Now, concubine
sister Ruth, have you
worn what I asked you to wear?
-Yeah, but this is--
-Prepare to lift your skirt.
-What?
No.
-Do it.
-Now, on the count
of three, David,
you squeeze the sacred sponge
and baptize this mongrel.
Ruth, you bathe this beast in
the light of your [INAUDIBLE].
-My what?
-I, uh-- I think he
means your vag, Ruth.
-Oh, Christ.
-There is only Glintentica.
-I am sorry.
-Now, one, two, three.
-Ew.
-Now, sir.
What is your deepest desire?
-[GRUNTING].
Pussy.
-Praise Glintentica.
MEN: Praise her.
Praise her.
Praise Glintentica.
-This, brothers and
sister, is our charge.
We must work as a team.
Nay, a business to cleanse
such languishing souls.
The power of
Glintentica is with us.
We must become SoulMaids4U.
David, don't let her get away.
-Yes, brother.
MEN: Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
-Ruth, you all right?
-Get away from me
you fucking fanatic.
I mean, how could you just
fall under his spell like that?
I mean, that was some
seriously [INAUDIBLE] shit, OK?
I mean, did he just seriously
make my cooter a fag converter?
-Ruth, listen to me.
Glintentica appeared to me, too.
She's real.
She's the one who
made you snatch flash.
Moses is seriously possessed
and it's up to us to save him.
-You know what?
Save him your
fucking self, David.
OK?
I mean, nothing personal.
You know what?
I think you're a great guy.
Never had anything against you.
I actually thought you
were good for Moses.
But this?
I am so seriously
done with this shit.
OK, Moses shows up at my
apartment the other night
and-- [SIGH].
OK, don't be mad.
-I won't.
I won't, what is it?
-OK, so Moses showed up
the other night, right?
And totally fucking
comes on to me.
And it's just like
was back there.
I mean, him all
powerful and shit.
And I was just like
in a trance, you know?
Like hypnotized.
And it gets all
touchy-feely and-- [SIGH].
He fucked me better than
I've ever been fucked before.
OK?
I mean, it was totally-- it was
like being raped, only better.
I mean, it was just so intense.
And I just couldn't
believe how good--
Oh my god, you're mad.
You're totally mad.
Oh, David.
I'm so sorry.
-No, no, no.
This is perfect.
You have an in.
-What do you mean?
-Glintentica appeared
to warn me to cooperate.
She said she's turn
me straight again
if I interfered with her plan.
I want him back, Ruth.
I won't be able to love him
like I want to if I'm straight.
So I have to pretend
like I'm converted.
-Praise Glintentica.
-I have to become a SoulMaid.
-Oh, god.
-Now, listen.
She would never
let me touch her.
But you, she'd
never suspect you.
It's perfect.
-What are you talking about?
-I Googled her, Ruth.
I found out what
can destroy her.
Listen, I'll explain.
DAVID (VOICEOVER):
66 years ago, there
was a discrete social club
for gay men in the building
in which you and Moses now live.
It was called Glinny's,
named after its proprietress,
the sorceress, Glintentica.
Now, Glintentica was
a bit of a blue blood,
so she didn't like
the fags so much.
But she tolerated them
having profited so
greatly from their decadence
and disposable income.
Eventually, however, her
hate eclipsed her greed
and she used her sorcery to
conjure a clean demon, one who
granted her the power
to convert her clientele
to heterosexuality
via backroom baptisms.
Glinny would have
been successful
if it hadn't been for an
irresistible young drag
king who found his
way to the back room.
When he entered, instead
of baptising him,
Glintentica could not resist
the urge to seduce him.
Now, if there's one thing a
clean demon can't stand for,
it's a hypocrite.
And when the technically
female drag king dove for clams
in Glinny's homophobic
poon, it greatly
infuriated the
clean demon and he
banished her to
another dimension.
And after 66 years at
the demon's dispensation,
she returned to find
Moses who was particularly
susceptible to
demonic possession
because of his epilepsy.
She prepared him for her
arrival on June 6th, 2006.
And now, she is
using Moses' body
to enact her vile ambitions.
-The spell she's using might
just look like she's setting up
a small, culty cleaning
service, but it's much more.
She will destroy the entire
gay population more quickly
than you could imagine if
she's allowed to continue.
-You found all of this
out from a Google search?
-Yeah.
Weird, huh?
-Yeah, insane.
So where do I come in?
-Right.
Well, if the website is
correct, then the male body
that Glintentica chooses
to use as a disguise
will grow a vagina someplace.
Somewhere hidden.
All you'd have to do
is have sex with Moses
again, find the hidden vagina,
and lick the hell out of it.
The clean demon wouldn't
stand for that kind
of girl-on-girl
dyketastic action.
He'd totally banish
Glintentica again.
But this time for good.
She'd have to leave
Moses' body and he'd
be mine again like before.
-So let me get this straight.
You want me to go down
on Moses' secret cooter
to banish the spirit of the
evil sorceress who is forcing
him to convert homos to heteros?
-Yeah.
Gosh, it would really
mean a lot to me, Ruth.
Ruth?
You with me here?
-All right, I'll do it.
Let's just get back there before
Moses starts to get suspicious.
-I know what you want?
-Oh, no.
No, I was just looking
for my panties.
-Silly girl, you're
wearing them.
But I think you
should take them off.
-Oh, it's kind of
sore down there.
So?
-Oh, you really
are a straight man.
[MOANING]
-Well?
-Oh, Jesus.
-Did you find it?
-No.
-How long does it take
to find a goddamn vagina?
-It's not as easy
as you might think.
In hindsight, maybe
me ex-Aaron wasn't
as stupid as he [INAUDIBLE].
-You don't seem to
be trying very hard.
What's that, like six times?
-Eight.
But who's counting?
Do I look like I'm having fun?
Oh, god.
We're going to have to call this
look the mission impossible.
-Where are you going?
-I am going to my room.
I need some sleep.
Look, geek boy I have been over
every inch of coma boy's body
eight times.
There is no secret cooter.
-Maybe you're not
trying hard enough.
I mean, did you try?
-Yes.
Ask for it by name?
He loved it.
Oh, yeah.
And he sheds.
-Um?
-My tongue has been everywhere.
Everywhere.
Let me say it again.
The boy has no vagina.
-So Google is wrong?
-Why do you have so
much faith in Google?
It's the fucking
internet, you moron.
You believe everything
you find on there?
-It can't be wrong.
-Really?
Well, if Glintentica
is so homophobic
and she's inside
Moses' body, then
how can she be having sex
with me for two days straight?
Maybe Google's not
the all-knowing search
engine you think it is.
-Shit.
I'm not an atheist, am I?
I believe in Google.
And if I believe in
Google-- you keep him busy.
-What?
That's easy for you to say.
-Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
I've fallen in love
with another man.
I used to be straight,
but then I met Moses.
We fell in love right away.
He's really perfect, except
for weird seizures where
he envisions this
woman who's apparently,
I don't know, inside
of him somewhere.
The spirit, this demon
named Glintentica.
-I am Glintentica.
-Glintentica's like
taken over his body,
and I guess she wants to
convert gay men to straight men.
Moses has this secret
vagina, I don't
really know how to explain it.
But you know, they've
been doing this dance
and these weird seances
in his backyard.
Maybe you've seen
it or read about it
in some of your
scriptures or something?
But, uh-- let me see if
I can get this right.
It goes, uh, vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Yeah, it's some
really whack shit.
I mean, stuff.
Anyway, I feel like the
best thing for us to do
is pray to God
for some guidance.
That's why I came here
to reconnect with God,
try to help Moses so
I can have him back.
-Well, you're right to
pray to seek God's help.
And God will help you.
And we can help God help you.
You don't have to worry
about the vulva dance
or anything like that.
[INAUDIBLE] to know what's
true and right [INAUDIBLE].
-Exactly right, Father.
That's exactly
what we need to do.
20 minutes, Father?
That's exactly what
we need to do it.
-Oh, yeah.
Little doggy.
Little doggy.
-Uh, Ruth.
Can I talk to you
for a moment, please?
Hi, Moses.
-Hey, bro.
How's it hanging?
-Uh, fine.
I'll bring her right back.
-Whatever.
Hey, babe, can you bring me
a beer when you come back?
-Snap out of it.
Sorry, I've always
wanted to do that.
Look, we can call
this look [INAUDIBLE].
-It's in his nose.
-What?
-The pussy.
-It's in his nose.
-No.
-Uh, did you check there?
-No.
No, I'm not going
to do this anymore.
Hey, babe.
Did you miss me?
MOSES: Where's my beer?
-[INAUDIBLE].
I forgot.
I'll get it in just
a minute, though.
Just hold me.
Oh.
It just had to be the nose.
I would have settled for an ear.
MOSES: Huh?
-Oh, I said, let me
go get you that beer.
-What are you doing?
-David, get your ass in here.
-Hey, get out of here.
I'm not into that kinky stuff.
What the hell?
-What is going on?
-I thought we needed all
the help we could get.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
You think you can stop me?
I am greater than you all.
-Do it, Ruth.
Lick out his nose.
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): Say what?
-We know how to defeat you.
Father.
Father, pin down his legs.
Ruth.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Stop.
If you do this, David,
you will lose him forever.
-Fine.
Turn me straight, at least
Moses will [INAUDIBLE].
At least he'll be free from you.
-David.
-I mean it.
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): Silly boy.
If you force me
out of Moses' body,
he won't go back to
the way you knew him.
I'll take everything with me.
Every memory.
He'll never remember you.
-We'll make new memories.
Ruth, do it.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
He won't even
remember he likes boys.
He'll be straight, a pussy
hound for the rest of his life.
-There are some things
worse than being straight.
You're one of those things.
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): Say goodbye
to the love of your
life then, faggot.
-David?
David?
-I'm right here.
-What's going on?
Is she gone?
-It's complicated.
-David, it's horrible.
I can't live like this
with her inside me.
-I know.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Ha.
I knew you wouldn't do it.
I'm greater than all of you.
-What?
[INAUDIBLE] sacrifice.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Ow.
-What is the strongest
flavor you have?
-Well, today we have
our red line blend.
It's medium but spicy.
-I have a bad taste in my mouth
that I just can't get rid of.
-M. Let me suggest our
magical mint mochacchino.
First, we start with
two shots of espresso.
We mix that up with some
fresh mint blended together,
a little chocolate
in there. s-- oh,
a fresh, delicious beverage.
-David, it's Ruth.
I'm at the coffee shop.
And you need to call an
astronomer because I have
some news that is
out of this world.
Guess who is working here?
Yes.
Yes, I am sure it is him.
And he is gay.
Because he has a
goatee, that's why.
Listen, just-- just get
your ass down here now.
-Do you think he
remembers anything?
-What do you think?
Go order something.
-Right.
You know what?
I don't really drink coffee.
-You don't have to drink it.
-I'll have a-- uh--
I'll have a, uh,
double espresso
macchiato supreme.
Tall.
-Excellent choice.
$8.
-Right.
$8, OK.
-Thank you.
-I meant order
something from him.
-Yeah, I know.
I know.
Do you mind?
-Hey.
-Uh, what would you like?
-Yeah.
Uh--
-Double espresso
macchiato supreme tall?
-Yeah.
-$8.
-If you're going
to keep doing this,
you are going to have
to order cheaper drinks.
-Just order a plain coffee.
Aaron?
-Hey, Ruth.
-OMG.
-I know.
WTF.
-Thirsty, aren't we?
-Yeah.
Can I just have a plain coffee?
-Plain coffee.
$2.
-Thank you.
-Hi, can I help you?
-Uh, one tall skim latte.
MOSES: Tall skim latte.
Here you go.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
You cannot be back for
another cup already.
DAVID: Cream?
I'm David.
-Hi.
WOMAN: Hi, how are you?
-Good.
How are you?
-Great, thanks.
-We got this free drink coupon.
-That'd be great.
-OK.
What's your name?
-Eva.
MOSES: Eva.
E-V-A.
-This isn't going so well.
I'm going to have
to [INAUDIBLE].
You stay right here, hot stuff.
I'll be right back.
This is going to help.
-What?
-Maybe this will jog his memory.
-OK.
So besides being
a caffeine addict,
you just happen to
carry sponges with you?
You're a strange one,
but I'm not into sponges.
-No, but you see this
one, it has two colors.
It's all about different
color combinations.
-That's nice.
-[INAUDIBLE].
-Listen, dude.
I'm flattered, but I'm straight.
-Are you sure?
-Hey, Mindy.
Can you help this guy?
Uh, folks, this
section's closing,
so if you want to feel free to
head into the main dining room.
You OK?
-Yeah.
Yeah.
-Haven't you had enough?
-No.
-Is thus, uh,
decoration or real?
-Real, I guess.
I'm a recent convert.
-They let gay boys into church?
-Some do.
-I don't believe in God.
I only believe in what's real.
What's here.
-And what's here?
-Just tables, windows,
people, the city, me, you.
-Oh my god.
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to mislead you.
I really am straight.
-Do you have a girlfriend?
-What?
-No, I'm sorry.
You know I thought maybe--
-Yeah, look.
I got to be closing.
Uh, but you take care.
Maybe you should
switch to decaf.
What are you going to do with
all these sponges anyway?
Well, have fun.
I really hope you meet someone.
You seem like a nice guy.
-I mean, this is
all [INAUDIBLE].
-David?
David, right?
That's your name?
I feel like I've
known you all my life.
Isn't that weird.
-Yeah.
My name is Johnny.
-Nice to meet you.
-Uh, that-- that kiss.
-Yeah.
You've probably kissed
a lot of guys before.
-No.
Just one.
-Me, too.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MOSES: Hey, what
are you doing here?
DAVID: I'm what you've
been waiting for.
MOSES: What?
DAVID: I'm who you're
going to fall in love with.
-What?
-We're going to spend the
rest of our lives together.
-This is craziness.
Just craziness.
What's your sign?
DAVID: I'm a Leo.
-What's your favorite color?
-Actually, I prefer a
favorite color combination.
Uh, right now, I'm really into
baby blue and chocolate brown.
Oh, I love what you've done
with the walls in here.
-What's your favorite song?
-"Autumn Sweater"
by Yo La Tengo.
-And we're married.
-You're not ready yet.
-Oh, but I am.
I'm so totally needy.
Ready.
-What are these?
-From work.
-And-- and you were going
to just throw them away?
-Well, I'm not going to
wipe my butt with them.
[ALARM BEEPING]
[CHANTING]
[KNOCKING]
-Jesus Christ, can you
please stop singing?
-[HUMMING].
-Ooh, you have gum.
Can I have some?
Oh, shit.
I'm such a douche.
Were you in the middle
of getting dressed?
-Oh, god no.
No, my parents were nudists.
Yeah, this is way overdressed
as far as I'm concerned.
-Well, you know what?
I can dig it just as long
as you don't get fat.
Oh my god, I love what you
have done with this room.
It is bitching.
Oh.
My last roommate,
all French country.
Oh my god, she
had to be stopped.
-Are you OK?
You look kind of ragged.
-What?
OMG, um, I think I
got raped last night.
[SIGH]
You know what?
I'm going to call
this look the accused.
All I need now is
a pinball machine.
-Something happened to you?
-Yeah.
I only got dumped by
Mr. Aaron Parkinson.
Apparently, I have
boundary issues.
Apparently, it's not OK to
makeout with his friends.
-Oh, god.
I'm so sorry.
-You know what?
I hope he gets
cancer of the ass.
And I hope he shits blood.
Oh, I'm cramping so bad today.
You know what?
I'm not even going to work.
Fuck it.
Aaron puts me on morning shift
after breaking up with me.
What the fuck is up with that?
[SCOFF]
OMG.
You know what?
Give me a tarot card reading.
-No, I have to go to work.
-No, come on.
Just do it really fast.
-OK.
Sit on the bed.
And you have to shuttle the
deck and think about your hopes
and dreams, and then the future
and what stands in your way.
-Oh my god.
Aaron, he is such
a fucking ingrate.
You know what?
I did everything for him.
It was-- [SIGH].
He never paid me any attention.
But you know what?
His friends did.
And maybe it was like, he
doesn't have the problem,
you know?
No, you know what?
He does have the problem.
I cannot even believe
that I sucked his dick.
You know, I cannot--
first date, too.
It was amazing.
You know, usually
I'm not the kind
of girl that does
stuff like that.
But I thought it was special.
-So I have the cards
laid out in four
positions around the outside.
And the one closest
to you is you.
So that's where
you're coming home.
That's the things
that live within you.
And that's where the reading
is going to come from.
OK, so the first
card that you have
is the 10 of wands,
which is oppression.
You're coming from a place of--
-He totally oppresses me.
-OK.
-He treats me so bad.
-OK, good.
Keep that in mind.
Your second one over
here is the seven
of disks, which
stands for failure.
Failure is what is
your affirmation.
That is, what has been confirmed
that is in your future.
-Oh, that sucks.
-OK?
-Do another one.
-Your third one--
we 'll keep moving.
The third one is your
negation, and that
is the princess of swords.
-Oh, I'm going to
stab him in the face?
-Right.
But that's your negation.
That's your obstacle
that lies ahead.
-Shit, like prison?
-Um, OK.
Now, this position stands
for your hopes and dreams.
And usually, your hopes
and dreams are the--
-I hope he gets the clap.
--same thing.
Oh.
So you have the tower
because you thrive on chaos.
Yeah, OK.
And then your final
outcome was disappointment.
-What the hell kind
of reading is that?
It-- no, you know what?
Do another deck.
Do another one where I
am like the [INAUDIBLE].
-That's not how it works.
This is the real deal.
OK, you're tapping into
some raw stuff here.
I'm juiced.
I had a seizure this morning.
-Are your serious?
-Yeah, I told you about
it when I moved in.
-Yeah, but you said you
didn't have it anymore.
Are you OK?
-Yeah, I'm great.
-What is it you have again?
-Temporal lobe epilepsy.
-Oh my god, you like
shake all around?
-Uh, no.
It's not like that.
Here's what happens.
Um, my brain sort of spasms
in my temporal lobes.
OK?
They're part of
the limbic system
that controls
emotion and memory.
And that part of
the brain is where
feelings of divinity and
religious experiences happen.
So when they spasm
and seizure, it's
as if these giant waves
of god rush through me.
-Oh my god.
I knew this girl one time who
did like 10 tabs of ecstasy
and the same thing happened
to her, but then she died.
But before she died, she
like baptized three people
or she spit on
them, or something.
I don't know, I can't
remember the story.
But oh my god, that sucks.
When did that start happening?
-Well, my first memory
is of an episode.
See, my parents were married
on this clothing-optional soy
farm.
And then at some point
after I was born,
these Mormons came
knocking on the farm
and my parents were
tripping balls.
So we were converted.
Yeah.
So, um, there was this
time when I was in church
and I started to feel
these angels singing to me.
And I stood up and I
started speaking to them.
And apparently it was only
gibberish at the time,
but it made sense to me.
And then ever since
then, my parents
have been calling me Moses.
But when I was
13, I fell in love
with this 14-year-old Jew
who was on the track team.
And he had that wavy Jew hair.
Oh, he was dreamy.
-So sweet and anti-semitic.
-It's not anti-semitic.
You cannot hate someone's people
if you think they're sexy.
-Oh.
-Anyway, I had a seizure while
I was making out with him.
Needless to say, I found
the real Jesus in his pants.
-You know what?
You totally need
to write a book.
No, a gospel.
MOSES: Yeah, right.
-So what'd you see?
-What?
-You said you had a vision.
-Seizure.
-No, whatever.
You know, what'd you see?
-So here's what happened.
I was in bed.
I was asleep, and then
it was-- I felt alive,
like everything came together.
But then I was like,
ah, I don't feel right.
Something's off.
It feels like the last time I
was about to have a seizure.
-You must finish this before
you can be ready for me.
-Is that sanitary?
-You see, that's why
you're not ready.
-All right.
All right, fine.
But can we still makeout?
-Nothing comes without struggle.
Any prophet will tell you that.
-Am I going to have to get
crucified or something?
-No.
That boy was a
total drama queen.
I'll see you soon.
-This kicks ass.
-What do you think it means?
-I think it means my friend
would jiz if he saw this.
He works at a gallery
on Peoria Street.
-It's not supposed to be art.
It's supposed to be my destiny.
-Wow.
That was fucking deep.
-Mm.
All right, well, I
got to get to work.
-Mm.
Thanks for the reading.
-See you later.
-OK.
[BUZZER RINGING]
-Who is it?
MOSES: GuysMaid4U.
-Come on up.
[KNOCKING]
MOSES: Oh my god, what happened?
-You know what?
Uh, what happened?
I don't know.
I just moved in here.
-It's not a problem.
-A family of six
lived here before me.
Can you imagine that
Cirque Du Soleil?
But a mother of
five's idea of clean
is vastly different
from a faggot,
you know what I'm screaming?
Of course you do, you're gay.
Is that too personal?
-No.
No, that's not too personal.
Yeah, me and penises
are like that.
-Oh, good.
Well, this place just reeks of
emotionally abandoned children.
I can't have that.
Do you think you
can get rid of it?
-Oh, god.
For an extra $50, I'll
totally smudge your apartment.
All I need is a quarter
pound of fresh sage.
-I don't know, I'm a Jew fairy.
We don't do voodoo.
We do Mr. Clean.
-Got it.
You can look.
-Oh.
-It's OK, I'm not embarrassed.
That's why we do it
in our underwear.
-I just didn't want to be rude.
MOSES: Yeah.
You paid me to clean your house.
It's not a problem.
Do you mind if I
listen to music?
-No.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Could you take
your underwear off?
-Um, no.
It hurts to get bleach
and ammonia on my crotch.
-Oh.
-How about a jock strap?
I think I have one.
MOSES: Um, really.
I'm good.
Thanks.
-Well, can I take
my clothes off.
-Um, you know what?
Let's not do that.
-Well, can I touch you?
Can I touch myself?
-OK, this is my friend, Pete.
Oh, he's Thor now.
Um, he's probably more
what you're looking for.
I just clean your
house while you watch.
He's a body worker.
-Oh, great.
I just want to get
the ground rules down.
-It says in my ad--
-People say a lot of
things in their ads.
I had some guy say he
was straight acting
and he came over sounding
gayer than Carol Channing.
-Carol Channing's not gay.
-Well, he sounded
like Carol Channing.
What's your name?
-Moses.
-I knew you were Jewish.
-I am not a Jew, which my first
boyfriend was a Jew-- ish.
-I'm reformed.
But still neurotic.
-Ha, all right.
So do I clean up your
nachos or do I go?
Ah.
Come on.
Come on, seizure.
MAN (VOICEOVER): Clean my boots.
I want to see them spit-shined.
MAN (VOICEOVER): What
do I want you to clean?
I want you to clean my balls.
That's what I want you to clean.
MAN (VOICEOVER): Oh, no,
that's just discharge.
MAN (VOICEOVER): That
stain over there?
No, that's not blood.
That one over there,
that one is blood.
MAN (VOICEOVER): It puts
the lotion in the basket.
MAN (VOICEOVER): A family
of six lived here before me,
can you imagine that
Cirque Du Soleil?
MAN (VOICEOVER):
You must finish this
before you can be ready for me.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): All right.
All right, fine.
But can we still makeout?
MAN (VOICEOVER): Nothing
comes without struggle.
Any prophet will tell you that.
MOSES (VOICEOVER):
Can we still makeout?
Can we still makeout?
Can we still makeout?
Can we still makeout?
-This is it.
This is it.
-Ah.
-Oh, god.
I'm so sorry.
-Oh, no.
No, don't apologize.
It was actually pretty great.
Um, look I have a situation.
-Oh, I'm sorry, it's cash only.
I'm a human magnet
for bad checks.
-No, no, no, the guy that
repaired my computer's coming
over and I was
hoping you could wear
something more when he's here.
-Oh, I don't mind if he sees me.
-No, no, no.
I don't want the
repair guy to know
that I'm a perverted old faggot.
-You shouldn't care what
other people think about you.
-What's with the lip?
I'm paying you.
-Yeah, to clean your
apartment with my clothes off.
[BUZZER RINGING]
-Oh my god, look at you.
He's going to think
I'm a child molester.
Come on up.
-Oh my god, breathe.
-Please put some pants on.
-All right.
All right.
Don't pass out.
JOB: Hey, come on in.
The computer's over here.
DAVID: Oh, uh, yeah.
About your computer,
I'm sorry to say,
but your hard drive crashed.
I would recommend
getting a new model,
or at least upgrading
the motherboard.
But you'd be happy to know
that the new model comes
in several different
color combinations.
I have one in brown and blue.
You don't have a
cat in here, do you?
JOB: No.
DAVID: I have really
bad allergies.
JOB: I don't have a cat.
DAVID: It is, uh,
that time of season.
JOB: You mean you can't
retrieve my files?
I have to start all over?
DAVID: Nothing comes
without struggle,
any prophet will tell you that.
JOB: I don't have the
time to start over.
DAVID: Well, sir.
There's really not a
whole lot I can do.
-The sponges were
right all along.
-I have no idea who that man is.
-No, not on the-- oh my.
-What the hell?
I like girls.
I like-- I like pussies and
vaginas and-- and vulvas.
Yeah, that, too.
I like vulvas.
A lot.
-I think I handled
that the wrong way.
JOB: Why the hell
can't we do that?
I pay you $200 for a damn
glimpse of your bulge
and all I get is you
cleaning my windows.
-Oh, no, no, no.
-That young nerd is here
two minutes before you're
cleaning the back of his throat.
MOSES: No, don't understand--
-Get out.
Get out with your hard
biceps and your pecs
of steel and your--
-Ew.
Yeah, I should go.
-Oh, control that's just great.
My touch disgusts you.
That's a real treat to know.
How dare you.
I hope that young nerd
gives you strep throat.
-Oh my god.
Are you here to beat me up?
-How did you know?
MOSES: Know what?
-I didn't even know.
I mean, I never even had a clue.
I never even thought about it.
-All right.
It's because of this sponge.
-That kiss.
It was-- it was
fucking awesome, man.
-Well, thanks.
I'm glad you approve.
I've always been a strong
believer in a good lip
to tongue ratio.
-Can we do it some more?
-Hi, guys.
I think it's super great
that you're hitting it off.
But I was wondering, could
you get the fuck out of here?
-Are you coming?
-I'm just looking at the
symbol of our future love.
-Let's just stick
to the kissing part.
-OK.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-(SINGING) You appeared
from somewhere else.
Somewhere I'd never seen.
Big and buff, bold and
tough, you like Mr. Clean.
Now I feel the water hit me,
a slow and steady stream.
A sponge to wash
the lust inside me.
Can it get me clean?
Wash it.
Wash it.
So dirty.
Wash it.
Wash it.
Keep it clean.
Wash it.
Wash it.
It's so dirty.
Wash it.
Wash it.
Dip it in me.
Stick it in me.
See you walk out the door.
See you [INAUDIBLE].
See you.
I don't want [INAUDIBLE].
See you next Tuesday.
See you walk out on me.
See you praying for me.
See you worse off than me.
See you next Tuesday.
See you walk out the door.
See you [INAUDIBLE].
See you.
I don't [INAUDIBLE].
See you next Tuesday.
Hi, I'm Glintentica.
-No, you're Chloe Savalon.
I downloaded your album.
I even paid for it.
-I am speaking to you
through her image.
-Are you God?
-There is no God.
Only Glintentica.
At long last, a cleansed soul
has finally answered my beacon.
-Yeah, it's the epilepsy.
-You have much to prepare for.
I'm coming for you.
-Really?
-I will arrive on
Tuesday June 6th.
-Oh, wow.
That's like in three months.
It's cool we got
the same calenders.
-Start your preparations.
You must cleanse the souls.
Learn from my messages
in the sponges.
May you find comfort
in their absorbance.
-Thank you, Schenectady.
-It's Glintentica.
-Right.
Uh, so this is my true destiny?
Uh, what about David?
-Only those with
faith in you can
be part of your true destiny.
I shall see you at
midnight Tuesday June 6th.
-Hey.
Are you OK?
-What's going on?
-Wow.
You really are
tired, aren't you?
But why did you fall
asleep in the closet?
You on drugs?
You have just have some
weird microchip planted
in your brain that makes
you do weird things?
-God.
What did I do?
-Not much.
You were singing.
That's what woke me up.
MOSES: Really?
-Mm-hmm.
And like belting it, like
Freddie Mercury belting.
-[SIGH].
DAVID: Come on, let's get ready.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): The
last time I fell for a guy,
my vision stopped.
But I did have a
vision last night.
Does that mean I
don't love David?
Or does it mean I never
loved [INAUDIBLE]?
Oh, god.
Screw it.
So that night I told him.
I told him about my visions and
how the sponges led me to him.
I bared my soul.
I didn't bring up
Glintentica, though.
I didn't want to
scare him all at once.
But I did want
him to know that I
thought the visions were real.
They were more
than just seizures.
But he told me that
it was all just--
-Chemicals.
It's chemicals
reacting in your brain.
-Well, you could say the
same thing about love.
You could say the
same thing about God.
-Who believes in God anymore?
-Well, you know, like
there's something greater.
Like a next level.
I mean, don't you think
that we move on to something
else when we die?
-I think when we
die, we're dead.
When we're dead,
we're just nothing.
I'm an atheist.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): Well,
that doesn't make any sense.
Why would the vision
send me to an atheist?
To convert him?
Or is he right?
Are these seizures just
hippy-dippy brain farts?
-June 6th, 2006.
6, 6, 6.
Well, that can't be good.
Well, let's just hope it
is hippy-dippy brain farts.
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): [INAUDIBLE]
to truly baptize
a soul, you must
cleanse them inside and out.
The more you relish
in Earthly delights,
the further you are away--
To realize that your body is
a living conduit to my membrane.
I shall touch you
in strange places.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): OK,
I know it looks crazy,
but I was never happier.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
Wednesday, Tuesday.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): I was on
a pathway to enlightenment,
and I found love.
But there was a catch.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
Friday, Monday, Sunday.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): I couldn't
tell David about the visions
anymore.
He was all science
and technology.
He'd just think I was crazy.
But it kept eating at me.
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): May 20th.
May 22nd.
May 25th.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): My
meditations were suffering
because of it, so I
decided to spill my guts.
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): May 29th.
May 30th.
May 31st.
June 1st.
June 2nd.
-Well, aren't you
going to say anything?
-It's just-- you know, we've
been together for how long?
A month?
And for maybe a week of
that, you weren't a liar.
-I know I should
have told you that I
was still having the seizures.
-No.
You told me you
went to the doctor.
-I did.
-You said he prescribed
you medicine.
You said the seizures stopped.
-Well, I tried those pills, but
it's-- but it's just that when
I'm with you, you make it
seem like it's all in my head.
And when I'm with
you, I don't care.
I'm just happy.
But when I'm alone, she comes to
me and she wants me to prepare.
-Moses, look.
Spatuleta is not real.
-Glintentica.
Don't laugh at me.
-No, no, no, sorry.
I just downloaded a picture
of Wolverine and Cyclops
having sex.
-Oh, god.
Who's the bottom?
I would not have guessed that.
-Thanks.
-Mm-hmm.
-I don't know what
you want me to say.
-I just want you to-- [SIGH].
I just want you to believe me.
-I believe you have seizures.
-No, I want you to
believe that they're real.
That they mean something.
-But we know it's the seizures.
You have temporal sclerosis.
It causes temporal lobe
epileptic seizures.
It's a real disease.
-But I saw you in my vision,
and then you came to me.
My division changed you.
-For the last time, your
vision didn't turn me.
I was dating a girl,
now I'm dating a boy.
It's not the miracle
you make it out to be.
Look, honestly, it's not
like it was a big surprise.
I mean, I used to love watching
male gymnastics and swimming,
wrestling.
-So what does this mean?
-It means that when you're
ready to start taking
your medication,
you'll be ready for me.
Till then, you're
just not ready.
-You're right, I'm not ready.
But I will be on June 6th.
Come back to me then.
Then it will be OK.
-Can I get you
guys anything else?
-No, just the bill.
-OK.
-Put it away.
You're broke.
-I don't want you to
have to pay the bill.
-No, no, no.
I'm the one who convinced you
to stop cleaning houses naked.
It's not like I'm just
going to cut you off.
Not right away.
-I'm sorry.
-Hey.
I was just wondering
if we could have
a little roomie to roomie chat.
-About what?
-About you and your sponges.
-I told you,
they're about Glin--
-Glin-ticky-ticky-tavy.
I know.
-Glintentica.
-Whatever.
I think that you
have been thinking
this through all wrong.
I think if you
think about it, then
you should be addressing how
all of this is affecting me.
And realize that you
are incredibly boring.
But I have someone here who can
help get you a little focused,
so, you know, you can brush
your teeth, take a shower,
pay the rent.
You know, just off
the top of my head.
-Hey, lay off.
I don't need a doctor.
Hey, get out.
You didn't say he was here.
-Let me explain.
I was just getting to it.
-Ruth, beat it.
You're as gentle
as a hate crime.
-You'll be the victim
of a hate crime.
-Just give me a
moment, will you?
-Listen, doctor, I'm fine.
What are you doing?
-This piece on the ceiling,
what do you call it?
-A leaking roof.
-It's so natural.
Well, this room is
very fascinating.
Do you want to tell me about it?
-Who are you?
-Are you uncomfortable
when someone
unknown enters your space?
-Um, yeah.
Do you feel the need
to be isolated in order
to create these
pieces on the ground?
-I just have some things I need
to figure out before June 6th.
-Oh.
What happens then,
the apocalypse?
-Oh, god.
I hope not.
-Do you work best when you
are in love or in pain?
Some people say that
those are the only two
emotions, love and pain.
Some other people say that there
are only two people, those who
feel and those
who feel too much.
-Which am I supposed to be?
-That's what I'm asking you.
But we're getting
ahead of ourselves.
Why did you arrange the
sponges in this way?
-It's how they needed to be.
-Fascinating.
Look at you, you are an old man
trapped in the body of a boy.
It takes schizophrenics
20 years sometimes
to create pieces like this.
-Do you think I'm schizophrenic?
I don't know if you want to
prescribe any medication,
but the last doctor
gave me some pills
that did decrease the seizures.
-Pills?
Decrease the seizures?
-Yeah.
-Are you crazy?
This is a goldmine.
-Aren't you here to help me?
-I'm here to make you a star.
I'm Seth Smith.
I work at the Mind Cruncher
Gallery on Peoria and Randolph.
We have a group show coming
up and you are a must have.
-You're here for the sponges?
You don't even understand
what the sponges mean.
I need to figure out my destiny.
I have a calling, a
calling from Glintentica.
She's coming for me on June 6th,
and I need to be ready for her.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Quiet.
You've said too much.
-Yes.
But you need to share your coma.
You need followers.
You need an avenue to share
your visions with the world,
and I can help you with that.
I'm always looking for
new pieces to show.
-These aren't art.
They're just the products
of the inane ramblings
that are spasming
out of my head.
-That would sound
great on a panel.
Look, here's my card.
Why don't you give
me a call and let
me know when I can
pick the sponges up.
-I didn't say I'd
give them to you.
-You will.
You're not the only
one with visions.
You were right.
He's fantastic.
People are going to eat this
crazy shit up with a spoon.
So what's the take?
-I discuss that with the artist.
-I'm his manager.
-I'll sure you'll get a take.
-He owes me rent.
-But you believe him, don't you?
-I don't know.
He did meet David right
after he had a vision of him.
-Huh.
Well, I don't care if he is
crazy or the second coming.
What he's doing is
totally in right now.
-Yes.
-I am not giving
my sponges away.
They haven't told
me what to do yet.
-That's fine.
Fine, fine, fine.
There was a message
on the machine today.
Eric called.
-Ugly Eric?
-I don't know, he
said blonde Eric.
-Hot Eric?
-It could have
been retarded Eric.
I don't know, he called.
He wants you to come
and clean his apartment.
He wants you to wash his floors.
-Ruth, I'm in the
middle of a revelation.
-These words again--
I, I, I am so sad.
I have epilepsy, but
I don't shake around.
I like sponges.
What about me?
You're totally
fucking up my credit.
And I can't cover your ass.
We haven't even fucked.
-All right, fine.
I'll go.
-So you're really going to
clean my apartment first?
-First?
-You know, before
the good stuff.
-Uh, you don't get any
good stuff with me.
You never have and
you never will.
-I know you think I'm cute.
Fine, be professional.
A professional tease,
that's what you are.
Where's my beer?
Ah, in the bathroom.
Do you do laundry?
-Do you have a washer and dryer?
-Actually, I go to the
laundromat across the street.
-You want me to go to the
laundromat in my underwear?
-Do you want to go to the
laundromat in your underwear?
-Oh, god.
All right, here's a card.
It's my friend Thor.
Oh, he's Enrique now.
Uh, he's a body worker.
-Cut the shit,
let's see the goods.
-Hey, that's not cool.
-Come on, you totally gave
me a happy ending last time.
-No, I didn't.
-You didn't?
Who was that?
Oh, right.
Right.
-Learn from my messages
in the sponges.
-I remember who that was.
-You must cleanse the souls.
-That wasn't you.
-Hey.
-Shh.
Don't say another word.
I see your sadness.
It calls to me.
It begs to be purged
from your soul.
The obstructions of
the physical world
can confuse our soul's
true desires and emotions.
-This stuff smells.
-It's kind of burning my eyes.
-You are being
exonerated of the demons
that are crippling your soul.
This is not something
to be taken lightly.
I am offering you a direct
link to Glintentica,
and a chance to
purify your soul.
-These fumes are
making me dizzy.
-Breathe deeply.
It will cleanse your soul.
It will destroy
the filth that you
have breathed deep
into your lungs.
MOSES (VOICEOVER): It
was then at that moment
that it finally dawned on me.
When I washed this
poor homeless soul,
I was filling him with my
energy from Glintentica.
I am a direct link to her,
and it's growing stronger.
She's not going to appear
before me on June 6th,
she's going to take me over.
My body will be the
host for Glintentica,
and I must cleanse my
body before she can enter.
-Seth?
Um, I'm ready.
Yeah, I've change my mind.
It's all happening
on Tuesday, June 6th.
Bring your camera, something
big is going to happen.
OK, see you next Tuesday.
-Because Jason walks
in and sees him--
-How's it going?
-Can you hold on
for just a second?
All right.
Yeah--
-How's it going?
-Horrible.
It's still 14 hours to
midnight and I am bored.
Something better
happen soon or I'm
going to have to
start making shit up.
-Fine with me.
I'll be back after dinner.
Maybe he'll start acting psycho
by the time it gets dark.
-Nothing comes without struggle.
Any prophet will tell you that.
Can we do it some more?
And then you [INAUDIBLE].
I'm just looking at the
symbol of our future love.
-Hey, honey.
-I knew you'd come.
-Here's the deal.
I love you.
MOSES: Do you believe me?
-I want to.
I want to start over right now.
-Let me baptize you.
-No.
No.
I want to start over
without all this.
-What?
I haven't see you for
a month and you expect
me to stop searching for
what I've been looking for?
-You're not going
to find what you're
looking for in a fucking sponge.
You should be able
to find what you're
looking for right here in me.
-I'm sorry.
You don't understand.
-Please.
-I can't.
-So that's a no?
-It's a no.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
-You're just the vision
that I first had of David.
You never really came to me?
-But you still didn't choose me.
You should have chosen me.
-What do you mean?
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): He means
you have sworn your
allegiance to me.
Now, kill him before
he destroys us both.
-You're a sponge?
-Kill him.
He's fooling you.
He's been fooling you all along.
-Oh, god!
-I am not afraid to use this.
-He is not who you think he is.
He Is really Isaac Leibowitz
from your freshman track team.
-[INAUDIBLE]?
-Yeah, it's true.
Come on out Naomi.
-You remember me?
-Naomi [INAUDIBLE]?
-Well, he remembers.
At least you remember
the names of people
whose hearts you've ripped out.
-It was the sixth grade.
-You were mean.
-You're real?
This is real?
-We wanted to ease you into it.
That's why, uh, we made up
the whole Glintentica thing.
-How long have you
been doing this?
-Well, uh, let's see.
Uh, after you dumped me, my
parents moved to Milwaukee.
I heard you dropped out of high
school and moved to Chicago.
It took me a long
time to find you.
Luckily, you never questioned
how you stopped having seizures
after you dumped me, but
then started having them
again after you started
back up with me.
Or, uh, David as you
like to refer to me.
-None of this makes any sense.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Yes.
[INAUDIBLE]
-No, no, no, no.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Yes.
Yes.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Yes.
-No, no, no.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
Stick it in me.
-No, no, no, no, no.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
I'll see you next Tuesday.
SETH: Ruth?
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
See you next Tuesday.
SETH: Ruth.
Ruth.
Ruth, get in here.
Something's wrong.
-What happened?
-I don't know.
Is he dead?
-No.
-If he dies, this film
could be his legacy.
-Would you shut up and
put your damn camera down?
Call the ambulance.
He is not waking up.
MOSES (VOICEOVER):
I don't get it.
I've rewatched this in my
head a hundred times so far.
Is this how it's
supposed to end?
Is this what I've
been preparing for?
Or is this not real?
Is this another seizure?
Is it just a seizure?
David?
Can you hear me?
David, wake up.
David.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
Secret cooter.
MOSES: David?
David, wake up.
David, come in here.
-Moses?
What is this?
Where are you?
MOSES (VOICEOVER):
I'm in the hospital.
Come over here,
there's not much time.
Hey, mister.
Good to see you.
-You, too.
Look, Moses, I don't really
know what's going on right now.
-David, listen.
Glintentica is inside me now.
I'm coming out of my
coma, I can feel it.
But I know that once I wake
up, I won't be in control.
She will.
Since she's in my head, I have
access to some of her thoughts,
but she's blocking
stuff from me.
I don't know what her
plan is, but she's
going to try to trick you into
believing that I'm myself.
She's going to find
my friends and she's
going to trick them, too.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
Who are you talking to?
Get back, coma boy
Oh, [INAUDIBLE].
-What's going on?
Moses?
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
Shut up, infidel.
There is no Moses anymore.
I've taken possession
of his body.
He is my avatar now.
Glintentica shall ascend.
-No.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Yes.
There is nothing you
can do to stop me.
This has been 66
years in the making.
Even as we speak, I am reborn.
My exile is ending.
The new covenant of
Glintentica is upon you.
Ha-ha-ha.
-Bitch.
I will stop you.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Au
contraire, [INAUDIBLE] David.
You and your kind are
powerless against me.
I'll do you one favor, though.
-Oh, what's that?
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): I will
warn you, you little faggot,
that if you try and stop
me, I' will take away
the only thing that
keeps you loving Moses.
-Oh, what's that?
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
Your pitiful, filthy,
[INAUDIBLE],
homosexual faggotry.
-You--
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): You have
no idea what I'm
capable of, David.
Now I've got to get
the hell out of here.
Don't get in the
middle of my stuff.
You've been warned.
-You bitch.
You cunt.
-[SIGH].
Christ.
Jesus Christ.
Jesus fucking Christ,
I can't believe
that I sold out my roommate.
[SIGH]
That fucker Seth.
I should have
known I would never
get any cash from
that fudge packer.
I was just starting
to like Moses, too.
The little fuck.
Now he's in a goddamn coma
and I am all a-fucking-lone.
-Ruthy, shut the fuck
up and calm down.
-Oh my god.
Holy shit.
Oh.
-Got a pen?
-OMG.
WTF.
-So doll, how have you been?
-You-- you're-- you're
supposed to be--
you scared the piss
out me, you bastard.
What are you doing here?
-I just got out of the hospital
and figured you'd be here.
I missed you, baby.
I wanted to say hey.
-Are you sure you're OK?
I mean, you don't really
seem like yourself.
-Oh, muffin, I'm better
than I've ever been.
That last seizure was a doozy.
I have you to thank for that.
-I am so sorry about that.
-Seriously, don't be.
-Oh my god, this
is so much better
than it ever was
with Aaron Parkinson,
or any of his friends.
-Well, I got to jet.
I've got loads of
work ahead of me.
-Well, where are you going?
When will I see you again?
-Don't worry, cupcake.
You'll be seeing more of each
other than we ever did before.
I won't let you stray far.
Here, come to this address
on Wednesday afternoon.
I'll need your help.
Wear a skirt.
And forget your panties.
-Sure thing, hot dog.
-Later, s
[PHONE RINGING]
DAVID (ON PHONE): Hello.
Hello?
Who is this?
RUTH (ON PHONE): Um, hey, David.
It's Ruth.
DAVID (ON PHONE): Ruth?
Moses' roommate Ruth?
RUTH (ON PHONE): Yeah.
Um, listen.
Moses is out of the hospital.
DAVID (ON PHONE): He is?
Is he OK?
Is he staying with you?
RUTH (ON PHONE): I don't
know where he's staying.
And yeah, I guess he seems OK.
Different.
Kind of straighter.
DAVID (ON PHONE): Well, then
where the hell is he, Ruth?
RUTH (ON PHONE): Look, David.
I don't know where he is.
I just know that he asked me to
meet him somewhere on Wednesday
afternoon.
And if you want to see him,
then you should go too.
He said he wanted
help with something.
DAVID (ON PHONE): OK.
Yeah, look.
Why don't you just
email me the address?
RUTH (ON PHONE): Right.
I'll email it to you
tonight, and then
I'll-- I'll just see
you on Wednesday.
DAVID (ON PHONE): Yeah, see you.
MEN: Pussy pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
-Disciples, I am well pleased.
You have responded to my
beacon with haste and devotion.
And for that, Glintentica
applauds and blesses you,
for you are truly cleansed.
And today, you will be ready
to cleanse other souls.
For today, we shall
receive a visitation
from our fourth brother.
And here he is now.
Welcome, David.
-Uh, thanks.
I guess.
Ruth said you needed
help with something?
-It's just a little
spring cleaning.
So you remember your sister,
Ruth, and your brother, Job?
And you brother,
what is your name?
-Man, I totally have no idea.
-And you?
These are your brethren.
Join them.
In order to better prepare
you for the task ahead,
I have arranged a demonstration.
Brother Job, have you
secured a suitable subject?
-Yes, brother, I have.
-Retrieve him.
-No.
Get your filthy paws
off of me, you brute.
You icky, icky man.
What in the name of Barbara
are you people doing with me?
You psychos are
crumbling my couture.
-Be still, abhorrent creature.
To your knees.
Brothers and sister, behold
this poor excuse for a man.
His mind is a chasm
of depravity, a vacuum
that sucks up nothing but filth.
A cancer on masculinity
itself, but we--
we have the power to rid
him of this sucking void.
By the grace of Glintentica
herself, we shall purify him.
David, get a well-wet sponge.
Hold it over him.
Now, concubine
sister Ruth, have you
worn what I asked you to wear?
-Yeah, but this is--
-Prepare to lift your skirt.
-What?
No.
-Do it.
-Now, on the count
of three, David,
you squeeze the sacred sponge
and baptize this mongrel.
Ruth, you bathe this beast in
the light of your [INAUDIBLE].
-My what?
-I, uh-- I think he
means your vag, Ruth.
-Oh, Christ.
-There is only Glintentica.
-I am sorry.
-Now, one, two, three.
-Ew.
-Now, sir.
What is your deepest desire?
-[GRUNTING].
Pussy.
-Praise Glintentica.
MEN: Praise her.
Praise her.
Praise Glintentica.
-This, brothers and
sister, is our charge.
We must work as a team.
Nay, a business to cleanse
such languishing souls.
The power of
Glintentica is with us.
We must become SoulMaids4U.
David, don't let her get away.
-Yes, brother.
MEN: Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
-Ruth, you all right?
-Get away from me
you fucking fanatic.
I mean, how could you just
fall under his spell like that?
I mean, that was some
seriously [INAUDIBLE] shit, OK?
I mean, did he just seriously
make my cooter a fag converter?
-Ruth, listen to me.
Glintentica appeared to me, too.
She's real.
She's the one who
made you snatch flash.
Moses is seriously possessed
and it's up to us to save him.
-You know what?
Save him your
fucking self, David.
OK?
I mean, nothing personal.
You know what?
I think you're a great guy.
Never had anything against you.
I actually thought you
were good for Moses.
But this?
I am so seriously
done with this shit.
OK, Moses shows up at my
apartment the other night
and-- [SIGH].
OK, don't be mad.
-I won't.
I won't, what is it?
-OK, so Moses showed up
the other night, right?
And totally fucking
comes on to me.
And it's just like
was back there.
I mean, him all
powerful and shit.
And I was just like
in a trance, you know?
Like hypnotized.
And it gets all
touchy-feely and-- [SIGH].
He fucked me better than
I've ever been fucked before.
OK?
I mean, it was totally-- it was
like being raped, only better.
I mean, it was just so intense.
And I just couldn't
believe how good--
Oh my god, you're mad.
You're totally mad.
Oh, David.
I'm so sorry.
-No, no, no.
This is perfect.
You have an in.
-What do you mean?
-Glintentica appeared
to warn me to cooperate.
She said she's turn
me straight again
if I interfered with her plan.
I want him back, Ruth.
I won't be able to love him
like I want to if I'm straight.
So I have to pretend
like I'm converted.
-Praise Glintentica.
-I have to become a SoulMaid.
-Oh, god.
-Now, listen.
She would never
let me touch her.
But you, she'd
never suspect you.
It's perfect.
-What are you talking about?
-I Googled her, Ruth.
I found out what
can destroy her.
Listen, I'll explain.
DAVID (VOICEOVER):
66 years ago, there
was a discrete social club
for gay men in the building
in which you and Moses now live.
It was called Glinny's,
named after its proprietress,
the sorceress, Glintentica.
Now, Glintentica was
a bit of a blue blood,
so she didn't like
the fags so much.
But she tolerated them
having profited so
greatly from their decadence
and disposable income.
Eventually, however, her
hate eclipsed her greed
and she used her sorcery to
conjure a clean demon, one who
granted her the power
to convert her clientele
to heterosexuality
via backroom baptisms.
Glinny would have
been successful
if it hadn't been for an
irresistible young drag
king who found his
way to the back room.
When he entered, instead
of baptising him,
Glintentica could not resist
the urge to seduce him.
Now, if there's one thing a
clean demon can't stand for,
it's a hypocrite.
And when the technically
female drag king dove for clams
in Glinny's homophobic
poon, it greatly
infuriated the
clean demon and he
banished her to
another dimension.
And after 66 years at
the demon's dispensation,
she returned to find
Moses who was particularly
susceptible to
demonic possession
because of his epilepsy.
She prepared him for her
arrival on June 6th, 2006.
And now, she is
using Moses' body
to enact her vile ambitions.
-The spell she's using might
just look like she's setting up
a small, culty cleaning
service, but it's much more.
She will destroy the entire
gay population more quickly
than you could imagine if
she's allowed to continue.
-You found all of this
out from a Google search?
-Yeah.
Weird, huh?
-Yeah, insane.
So where do I come in?
-Right.
Well, if the website is
correct, then the male body
that Glintentica chooses
to use as a disguise
will grow a vagina someplace.
Somewhere hidden.
All you'd have to do
is have sex with Moses
again, find the hidden vagina,
and lick the hell out of it.
The clean demon wouldn't
stand for that kind
of girl-on-girl
dyketastic action.
He'd totally banish
Glintentica again.
But this time for good.
She'd have to leave
Moses' body and he'd
be mine again like before.
-So let me get this straight.
You want me to go down
on Moses' secret cooter
to banish the spirit of the
evil sorceress who is forcing
him to convert homos to heteros?
-Yeah.
Gosh, it would really
mean a lot to me, Ruth.
Ruth?
You with me here?
-All right, I'll do it.
Let's just get back there before
Moses starts to get suspicious.
-I know what you want?
-Oh, no.
No, I was just looking
for my panties.
-Silly girl, you're
wearing them.
But I think you
should take them off.
-Oh, it's kind of
sore down there.
So?
-Oh, you really
are a straight man.
[MOANING]
-Well?
-Oh, Jesus.
-Did you find it?
-No.
-How long does it take
to find a goddamn vagina?
-It's not as easy
as you might think.
In hindsight, maybe
me ex-Aaron wasn't
as stupid as he [INAUDIBLE].
-You don't seem to
be trying very hard.
What's that, like six times?
-Eight.
But who's counting?
Do I look like I'm having fun?
Oh, god.
We're going to have to call this
look the mission impossible.
-Where are you going?
-I am going to my room.
I need some sleep.
Look, geek boy I have been over
every inch of coma boy's body
eight times.
There is no secret cooter.
-Maybe you're not
trying hard enough.
I mean, did you try?
-Yes.
Ask for it by name?
He loved it.
Oh, yeah.
And he sheds.
-Um?
-My tongue has been everywhere.
Everywhere.
Let me say it again.
The boy has no vagina.
-So Google is wrong?
-Why do you have so
much faith in Google?
It's the fucking
internet, you moron.
You believe everything
you find on there?
-It can't be wrong.
-Really?
Well, if Glintentica
is so homophobic
and she's inside
Moses' body, then
how can she be having sex
with me for two days straight?
Maybe Google's not
the all-knowing search
engine you think it is.
-Shit.
I'm not an atheist, am I?
I believe in Google.
And if I believe in
Google-- you keep him busy.
-What?
That's easy for you to say.
-Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
I've fallen in love
with another man.
I used to be straight,
but then I met Moses.
We fell in love right away.
He's really perfect, except
for weird seizures where
he envisions this
woman who's apparently,
I don't know, inside
of him somewhere.
The spirit, this demon
named Glintentica.
-I am Glintentica.
-Glintentica's like
taken over his body,
and I guess she wants to
convert gay men to straight men.
Moses has this secret
vagina, I don't
really know how to explain it.
But you know, they've
been doing this dance
and these weird seances
in his backyard.
Maybe you've seen
it or read about it
in some of your
scriptures or something?
But, uh-- let me see if
I can get this right.
It goes, uh, vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Vulva, vulva.
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
Yeah, it's some
really whack shit.
I mean, stuff.
Anyway, I feel like the
best thing for us to do
is pray to God
for some guidance.
That's why I came here
to reconnect with God,
try to help Moses so
I can have him back.
-Well, you're right to
pray to seek God's help.
And God will help you.
And we can help God help you.
You don't have to worry
about the vulva dance
or anything like that.
[INAUDIBLE] to know what's
true and right [INAUDIBLE].
-Exactly right, Father.
That's exactly
what we need to do.
20 minutes, Father?
That's exactly what
we need to do it.
-Oh, yeah.
Little doggy.
Little doggy.
-Uh, Ruth.
Can I talk to you
for a moment, please?
Hi, Moses.
-Hey, bro.
How's it hanging?
-Uh, fine.
I'll bring her right back.
-Whatever.
Hey, babe, can you bring me
a beer when you come back?
-Snap out of it.
Sorry, I've always
wanted to do that.
Look, we can call
this look [INAUDIBLE].
-It's in his nose.
-What?
-The pussy.
-It's in his nose.
-No.
-Uh, did you check there?
-No.
No, I'm not going
to do this anymore.
Hey, babe.
Did you miss me?
MOSES: Where's my beer?
-[INAUDIBLE].
I forgot.
I'll get it in just
a minute, though.
Just hold me.
Oh.
It just had to be the nose.
I would have settled for an ear.
MOSES: Huh?
-Oh, I said, let me
go get you that beer.
-What are you doing?
-David, get your ass in here.
-Hey, get out of here.
I'm not into that kinky stuff.
What the hell?
-What is going on?
-I thought we needed all
the help we could get.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
You think you can stop me?
I am greater than you all.
-Do it, Ruth.
Lick out his nose.
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): Say what?
-We know how to defeat you.
Father.
Father, pin down his legs.
Ruth.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Stop.
If you do this, David,
you will lose him forever.
-Fine.
Turn me straight, at least
Moses will [INAUDIBLE].
At least he'll be free from you.
-David.
-I mean it.
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): Silly boy.
If you force me
out of Moses' body,
he won't go back to
the way you knew him.
I'll take everything with me.
Every memory.
He'll never remember you.
-We'll make new memories.
Ruth, do it.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER):
He won't even
remember he likes boys.
He'll be straight, a pussy
hound for the rest of his life.
-There are some things
worse than being straight.
You're one of those things.
GLINTENTICA
(VOICEOVER): Say goodbye
to the love of your
life then, faggot.
-David?
David?
-I'm right here.
-What's going on?
Is she gone?
-It's complicated.
-David, it's horrible.
I can't live like this
with her inside me.
-I know.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Ha.
I knew you wouldn't do it.
I'm greater than all of you.
-What?
[INAUDIBLE] sacrifice.
GLINTENTICA (VOICEOVER): Ow.
-What is the strongest
flavor you have?
-Well, today we have
our red line blend.
It's medium but spicy.
-I have a bad taste in my mouth
that I just can't get rid of.
-M. Let me suggest our
magical mint mochacchino.
First, we start with
two shots of espresso.
We mix that up with some
fresh mint blended together,
a little chocolate
in there. s-- oh,
a fresh, delicious beverage.
-David, it's Ruth.
I'm at the coffee shop.
And you need to call an
astronomer because I have
some news that is
out of this world.
Guess who is working here?
Yes.
Yes, I am sure it is him.
And he is gay.
Because he has a
goatee, that's why.
Listen, just-- just get
your ass down here now.
-Do you think he
remembers anything?
-What do you think?
Go order something.
-Right.
You know what?
I don't really drink coffee.
-You don't have to drink it.
-I'll have a-- uh--
I'll have a, uh,
double espresso
macchiato supreme.
Tall.
-Excellent choice.
$8.
-Right.
$8, OK.
-Thank you.
-I meant order
something from him.
-Yeah, I know.
I know.
Do you mind?
-Hey.
-Uh, what would you like?
-Yeah.
Uh--
-Double espresso
macchiato supreme tall?
-Yeah.
-$8.
-If you're going
to keep doing this,
you are going to have
to order cheaper drinks.
-Just order a plain coffee.
Aaron?
-Hey, Ruth.
-OMG.
-I know.
WTF.
-Thirsty, aren't we?
-Yeah.
Can I just have a plain coffee?
-Plain coffee.
$2.
-Thank you.
-Hi, can I help you?
-Uh, one tall skim latte.
MOSES: Tall skim latte.
Here you go.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
You cannot be back for
another cup already.
DAVID: Cream?
I'm David.
-Hi.
WOMAN: Hi, how are you?
-Good.
How are you?
-Great, thanks.
-We got this free drink coupon.
-That'd be great.
-OK.
What's your name?
-Eva.
MOSES: Eva.
E-V-A.
-This isn't going so well.
I'm going to have
to [INAUDIBLE].
You stay right here, hot stuff.
I'll be right back.
This is going to help.
-What?
-Maybe this will jog his memory.
-OK.
So besides being
a caffeine addict,
you just happen to
carry sponges with you?
You're a strange one,
but I'm not into sponges.
-No, but you see this
one, it has two colors.
It's all about different
color combinations.
-That's nice.
-[INAUDIBLE].
-Listen, dude.
I'm flattered, but I'm straight.
-Are you sure?
-Hey, Mindy.
Can you help this guy?
Uh, folks, this
section's closing,
so if you want to feel free to
head into the main dining room.
You OK?
-Yeah.
Yeah.
-Haven't you had enough?
-No.
-Is thus, uh,
decoration or real?
-Real, I guess.
I'm a recent convert.
-They let gay boys into church?
-Some do.
-I don't believe in God.
I only believe in what's real.
What's here.
-And what's here?
-Just tables, windows,
people, the city, me, you.
-Oh my god.
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to mislead you.
I really am straight.
-Do you have a girlfriend?
-What?
-No, I'm sorry.
You know I thought maybe--
-Yeah, look.
I got to be closing.
Uh, but you take care.
Maybe you should
switch to decaf.
What are you going to do with
all these sponges anyway?
Well, have fun.
I really hope you meet someone.
You seem like a nice guy.
-I mean, this is
all [INAUDIBLE].
-David?
David, right?
That's your name?
I feel like I've
known you all my life.
Isn't that weird.
-Yeah.
My name is Johnny.
-Nice to meet you.
-Uh, that-- that kiss.
-Yeah.
You've probably kissed
a lot of guys before.
-No.
Just one.
-Me, too.
[MUSIC PLAYING]