Sorabh Pant: My Dad Thinks He's Funny (2017) - full transcript
Sorabh's life changes when his wife decides to get a baby instead of a dog. In this stand-up special he talks about the delightful madness of becoming a father.
Thank you so much ladies and
gentlemen for coming out tonight...
How are you guys doing? Come on!
This is fun man, this is nice...
I like how this whole thing
feels like a red light area right now...
But today it's an
inspirational story, okay?
This story today is
an inspirational one...
It's about how my wife and me had sex...
And, nine months later
something came out...
And it was all because of me,
thank you so much...
I, I, Thank you, thank you so much...
Thank you, I really appreciate it...
Like a man's contribution to actually
making a baby is so limited, right?
You just go like...
Enjoy your mayonnaise.
I'll see you in 9 months.
So today's show is all about babies and
all about fatherhood and stuff like that...
And I see a lot of young
people in the crowd here,
You're like: "Who gives a shit?"
I don't either,
I didn't even want to have a baby...
And, then my wife was like divorce and...
So I'm like, "I love babies!"
So let's take a little bit of a survey,
right? Before we begin the show...
How many people here want
to have a baby at some stage?
How many people want to have a baby?
Yeah, you too? You too sir as well?
Are you married?
To this lady here?
"Yeah."
I love this because you raised
your hand and she didn't...
You're like "Let's do it!"
And then she's like "Dream on!"
Now I just want to quickly
tell you how babies are made...
So my wife and me were trying
to have a baby for about a year
and I have no problem with trying...
I love trying, okay?
Trying is amazing...
I will try four times
a night if you want me to.
Okay, once.
And...
and my wife and me were
trying for a kid for about a year
And you know when we just went to
The doctor to check
up if everything was fine.
The doctor told us
to take a bunch of tests...
which is the doctor's way of saying
"Does your stuff even work or no?"
And as a part of this whole
thing this doctor basically
Told me to go and take
a sperm sample test, okay?
Which by the way is the best prescription
any doctor can ever give you...
It's just a medical
professional saying:
"Jack off!"
It's awesome!
It's amazing!
And so okay, has any man had
to go for a semen test ever, anyone? No?
This guy is pointing to his friend...
It's always his friend,
it's never you na?
Did you sir? No.
How do you know by
the way is the question?
Were you guys trying with each other?
Because I know what the
medical problem here is...
No I mean like proper sperm test
not like amateur level like you guys,
like I mean professional Level.
And by the way,
you think this is a great thing, right?
Like it's just you go there
and do this thing and whatever,
it's not!
It's very disgusting,
it's a very disgusting thing
because you go to the
counter and as soon as you
declare you're coming that,
people start judging you already.
Like I went to the
counter and I was like
"Madam, I need a little..."
And she's like...
And it's very intimidating
because right up top
she comes and she hands
me this cup this big
What?
I'm like madam can I come back next week?
This is, even then I won't
be able to fill it up by myself...
I'll need help from the neighbor
"Mr. Gupta, please help me out, please."
"Yes, give me some sugar as well"
It's damn creepy, man.
And even movies mislead you man,
movies mislead you into thinking that
this thing is like a fun thing, right?
In movies what they always do is like
whenever you're doing this
test is always like magazines
to put you in the mood...
I went to this place and
the only magazine there was
Tinkle Digest No. 427
This is not going to
put anyone in the mood.
Nobody goes like
"Oh yeah, Suppandi!"
"Yeah, Suppandi!"
You know what they say
about a man with a big chin.
And personally I prefer Champak.
And it's very creepy man,
it's a very creepy thing,
and the weird thing
is that I'm in this room
doing this disgusting act by myself
and in the middle of
me doing this whole thing,
there's suddenly a knock on the door
like loudly "Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!"
And I'm like...
Mom?
No, I'm just reading Tinkle, mummy...
And what happened apparently is...
these guys were trying
to repair the door...
While I was inside doing that...
Do you want to test
the door before I do that?
This is the shittiest
knock-knock joke in history.
"Knock! Knock! Who's there?"
"Pant's Dick! Pant's Dick - who?"
What the fuck are you talking about?
So anyway, I have a kid and
as it turned out everything was fine.
We were all ready to
go and my wife was pregnant...
Thank you so much...
I'm very talented.
I love my son a lot...
The problem is my son's mother
who also happens to be my wife.
Coincidence?
Dude, my wife is insane...
Like my wife is so
goddamn paranoid, right?
And my wife is paranoid because
she genuinely believes that...
Google is a doctor.
My wife believes anything Google says.
My wife came to me once,
she had a pimple on her face
and she's like "I have skin cancer"
Listen if a pimple gave you skin cancer,
Om Puri's entire career is chemotherapy.
What are you talking about?
So stupid.
And if you go on Google anything
gives you cancer by the way,
I checked up.
Just go to Google and
check this up at some stage...
I googled fart and cancer...
You get it.
If you have too much Rice & Beans,
you have cancer.
It's fucking, any bullshit
And paranoia by the way, my wife...
If you're like paranoid as a person,
when you have a kid,
that makes you 50 times more paranoid
about that child
and what my wife does not realize
is paranoia is now an industry.
Like it's lucrative
to make people paranoid.
Like people get worked up and shit
and then they buy stuff
to become less paranoid, right?
And she keeps doing all
this weird stuff for my son like,
you know like expression of a paranoia.
First of all you know
that weird thing like...
What is that thing?
You rub on your hands to clean the...
What?
Sanitizer!
Everyone said sanitizer
this guy said Massage Oil...
Are you from Kerala or something?
I'm a Malayali,
coconut oil means cleansing.
Massage Oil...
Yeah, I mean if you use
massage oil on the right places.
It does cleanse you.
So my wife keeps using -
anything she's like "sanitizer".
Like fucking anything,
sanitizer near my son
and for babies who what you have is,
you have these mosquito patches.
I'm sure some of you guys like
these mosquito patches on the babies.
Now most parents put like one or two.
My wife puts like 89.
My son enters the park
and all the mosquitoes are like
"Fuck, The Terminator has entered."
And the other day my
wife in her state of paranoia,
she bought my son, she bought him a mug
for 1,200 Rupees.
And I'm like "What is
so special about this mug?"
And she's like "Listen,
this is a very special mug."
"You know what happens with this mug."
"It's a special mug."
"When you pour water on
the child while bathing them, no?"
"The water doesn't go into their eyes."
You can do that with a normal mug also.
Just don't go like "Drink this!
Happy Holi to you!"
Don't throw it into his eyes.
The thing about having a kid like,
one of the reasons why
I like my wife is, you have to
you need a person to create a baby.
And my wife, we have a
lot of love in the relationship,
is what we say to people.
My wife and me we had a love marriage.
As in: I loved her.
And she loved marriage.
Ummm...
Some people are like,
"It's true for us also, son."
We had a love marriage
and the thing is like
I thought it's a really
cool thing to be proud of and
my parents also had a love
marriage which is like a far more,
because my parents had
a love marriage in the 1970's.
Which is far more hard-core.
And they were dating each other
for four years before they got married.
That's fucking amazing man.
By the 70's standards
they were hard-core.
They were like the Hrithik
and Kangana of their era.
Without the cheating part.
But my dad is a very sweet man.
The problem is he was very shy of my mom.
So he wanted to propose to my mom
but he's very shy
of like women in general.
So what my dad did was,
he asked for my mom's hand in marriage
by asking a friend to ask her.
Like my dad did a proposal by proxy...
One uncle went down
on one knee and was like
"Sujata!"
"Will you make me the
happiest man on Earth."
"And marry that guy over there."
"He's hiding over there.
Please marry him."
Umm... so yeah I mean that's essentially
how my parents created
me and then whatever.
But there's also like,
the next step is like
you go through the entire
9 months of insanity and
then you come to the point when
the child birth actually happens, OK?
But like movies mislead you, right?
Movies mislead you.
Like every time you see a movie,
I'm not talking about
the childbirth itself,
the actual build
up is crazy in the movies.
In the movies it's always like
"Oh my God my water is broken."
And then Narmada
dam protest started like
"Please do not allow
this water to come here."
And Arundhati Roy is like "I will
not allow this water, how dare you?"
And then what happens
after this whole thing is this
explosion and then Sebastian Vettel
takes you to the car
and drives you straight to the hospital.
And you reach the hospital
and the doctor is like
"Oh my God, Aamir Khan!
Get me the vacuum cleaner."
Chaos like that...
Is there any gynaec here by the way?
I really respect you guys,
I mean all day you have
to look into Mahakali Caves.
Like "Hello! Helloo! Hellooo!"
It's a tough job, guys.
No. But, again as I said
the delivery itself is chaos.
But the actual build
up to it is relaxed.
Like what happened with
my wife and me was that
my wife was 9 months
pregnant at that time
and was due any second.
And at 10:30 pm my wife is like
"Oh you know,
I think something's coming."
And I'm like "What are the options?"
So I tell my wife
and like "You know what?"
"Let's go to the hospital
and if it's what we think it is."
"Great."
"If not we'll just go get ice-cream."
And my wife is absolutely
fine with that.
Like that's our attitude.
We are okay with a baby...
or butterscotch.
We have no problems and we get
to the hospital all relaxed and shit
and we go and the doctor's like
"Yes, you guys are having a baby."
And my wife is genuinely disappointed.
She looks at me and she's
like "You mean no ice cream?"
I'm like let's have priorities.
I will get you a Magnum later.
Let's have priorities.
So we anyway take my wife
in for the entire this thing.
I was there for the delivery.
And again what happens is like
in the movies they always mislead you.
Especially like Hollywood movies
mislead you to think
that men are really calming influences.
Right? Like every time you
are watching a Hollywood movie
like Hugh Grant is
always there in the movie...
Some British character going like...
"Oh my honey, cuddle poodle dumper."
"My softy cone."
"My Brexit."
"Ooohhh!"
And the chick has calmed down.
Dude I went to my wife once
during her contraction and I'm like
"My little..."
"Go to the corner!"
"You bastard. You made this happen."
And I'm sitting in the corner
playing Fruit Ninja...
Like, "Bring juice for the Prince!"
Or whatever.
So the whole delivery thing.
The women are like fucking
champions and warriors of this shit
We'll come to that in a bit.
So anyway, my wife is going
through contractions for about 6 hours
and then comes the most crucial juncture
where the doctor comes like
"Hey, it's time for the delivery."
"And, we got to take
her to the delivery room."
He asked me a very crucial question.
"Hey, the delivery is about to happen."
"Do you want to watch it
from the Front?"
"Or, do you want to
watch it from the Back?"
And I'm like "Bro..."
"I've seen Game of Thrones."
"I've seen the Red Wedding,
you ain't got shit on me."
"I will see it from the front."
Do not watch it from the front.
Don't watch it!
The stuff that happens.
First of all is watching something that
you've had so much fun with...
Just being torn apart.
It is like what Americans
felt during 9/11.
It is insane!
And it's all crazy man,
anyway again this whole thing happens
and contraction etc etc...
And then the doctor a wonderful gynaec.
A Parsi gentleman and
he basically pulled out my son
and he handed him to me and I'm like
"No, it's okay. You keep him."
"You are Parsi,
you need them more than I do."
"You can name him
whatever Xerxes or Cyrus..."
"or Xenophobia, whatever."
Dude, women are fucking champions...
My wife went through this
entire thing like a 9 hour process.
She went through the entire thing without
epidurals which reduces the pain.
She had a natural childbirth.
Fucking insane dude...
Men could never pull this shit off.
I could personally
never pull this shit off.
Like if somebody told me, like
"Hey, here's what's gonna happen."
"Here's how this is gonna go down."
"You're gonna have a living
being inside you for 9 months, okay?"
"You're gonna go
through contractions for 9 hours."
"And, then your dick will expand."
And my wife is like "Oh my Magnum!"
And then a living thing
is gonna come out of you
and I'm like fuck that.
I'm getting a Labrador.
Balls!
I'll name him Xenophobia.
When my son was born there
were two names doing the rounds.
I wanted to call him Arjun.
And my wife wanted
to call him Vikramaditya.
And my son's name is Vikramaditya...
Because he came out of my wife.
And Finders Keepers...
But here's what happens man,
these days people are going crazy
with the kind of names
they have for the kids, right?
And I met a friend
of mine and she was like
"This is my daughter, Pooja."
And I'm like thank God.
What a normal name.
"Hey, Pooja" and she's like
"Not Pooja..."
"It's Puzeayy!"
"It's P, U, E, Z, A, M, FFFFF."
It's name for the Mandarin
goddess for the African goddess...
of farting on people's faces.
Whatever bullshit.
What crap?
Like how do to talk to this poor girl?
"Hey, Puezamfff."
"Your parents are Poonanies."
"Did you know that about yourself?"
"Did you know that?"
But people have crazy names...
Does anyone whose friends
have weird names here?
Who raised their hands?
Your friend's name is Silver Shah?
What a fucking Gujarati cliché.
So clichéd.
That's like a Marwari called Diamond.
It's so fucking stupid.
Yeah?
Mercury More?
And for your temperature
you just shove him up your ass?
98.3 Mercury.
And here's the thing in India,
we don't even settle on the names...
The names are not where we stop.
Our most important
thing is not even the name.
The pet name is even more important.
Like till I was 12, I swear to you.
I genuinely didn't
know that I had a name.
Because everybody used to
keep calling me Chikoo (Sapodilla)
Everyone used to call me Chikoo
and was anyone called
Chikoo here at some stage?
Admit it.
Yeah, ma'am. You were called Chikoo?
What's your name?
Swati, why did they call you Chikoo?
Did anyone ever tell you?
No idea?
I asked my mom the same question
"Hey, why did you call me Chikoo?"
"Because when you were born no?"
"You were round and brown."
"Mom, that's racist towards fruits..."
"And me."
My son is white and round,
should I call him Custard apple?
What the fuck is happening?
I'm just glad my parents
didn't name me after something else
that's round and brown...
No, but pet names...
Pet names are a part
of the Indian thing, right?
Does anyone's friends here,
have you given any
friends weird pet names?
Anyone? Yeah, nobody?
Yeah!
Sorry? Mihir?
Why Lady Finger?
Again, how do you know?
You said he's been for a sperm test
and now Lady Finger because
"Hey, I've seen it."
This is great, man...
It's like I'm a fruit
and he's a vegetable...
It's amazing!
So anyway,
my son is called Vikramaditya...
And here's what happens man,
I don't know how many people know this,
but like a very crucial juncture
on becoming a parent is...
Like people are always very
excited by the first words that
their kids say.
The first word that
they say is "Mamma", right?
It's so exciting.
Like when my son said Mamma,
we were like
"What an amazing orator!"
"He's like the Barack
Obama of babies."
He called my wife Mamma.
I am like amazing...
Then he called my laptop, Mamma.
He called me Mamma.
And I'm like I haven't
been to Bangkok this year.
Then he called my maid Mamma.
And I'm like how does he know?
I don't know how biology works,
just saying...
And the weird thing is,
the problem is I'm a North Indian.
And what this means that
it's very exciting to me...
I genuinely want my son's first words,
I want it to be a cuss word.
I just want it.
It's just that,
the inner sleazebag that is there.
You just want it.
Like every time my wife is not looking
I'm like "Say Asshole, na?"
"Please, once. For Papa."
"Say Asshole na."
It'll be great.
My son's first words - Asshole.
And my wife is like "You
know your father very well"
But here's the thing man,
I have a son...
Let's come to the crux of the situation.
People keep saying that
girls and boys are not different,
they're all the same. United as one.
Girls and boys are
completely different. OK?
Girls have completely
different skill sets.
Girls become much faster
at learning language, social skills.
Girls become human
beings faster than boys...
Boys take a long time.
If you're from Haryana...
takes your whole life.
He is 55 years old.
Give him 2 more years.
Girls learn language way faster.
When my son was 16 months old,
my wife has a friend of
hers who also has a daughter...
We used to keep getting all
sorts of WhatsApp videos of her
speaking all sorts of stuff, like
"Twinkle twinkle little star!"
"How I wonder..."
"And, the theory of
relativity is as follows."
"And, the formula for Pi is 3.14158."
And some shit.
My son's only words at that time were...
"Aaah! Aaah!"
"Aaah! Aaah!"
Which translates to
"Pick me up you Porter."
"You're a bald Porter, pick me up!"
"Pick me up!"
Girls are totally different...
Boys are more excited about
the physical stuff, right?
They're excited about doing stuff.
Girls are more excited
about being humans, right?
I go to a person who
has a girl in the house
and the girl is like chilling there like
"Hey, wassup I'm a girl,
I'm learning stuff"
My son enters the house.
He kicks the furniture,
takes and throws it on people's faces.
Takes ink dumps it on people's faces...
My son is from the Shiv Sena!
It's nuts.
This is the last time
I'm doing this show.
It's okay!
So girls and boys
are completely different.
And it's also the way you raise them
like, here's what happened...
My wife and me one
year into having my son
My wife was like "We
should've had a girl."
"You know what I'm just
gonna dress him in a frock."
And, I'm like,
"You stay away from my son."
I was away from home one day and my wife
put my son in a frock
and took photographs of him.
That's something you
never do with a baby boy.
The two photographs you
never take of a baby boy.
One is him dressed as a girl.
And the second is him naked.
You never do it.
Because one day he's gonna
grow and have friends like these guys.
And, they're just going to look and go,
"Look! Look! Yours was so small."
"So small."
"Look! Look!"
"It's not a Penis."
"It's a Pe!"
Some shit like that...
And here's what happens,
some Indians are sexists.
I'm not saying all but
some Indians are sexist.
And it comes out in
very bizarre ways, right?
I have a friend of mine
whose son is 12 months old.
And he's very excited
about this son's future.
"My son's gonna grow up..."
"and DO everyone."
Nobody ever says that about a girl...
Nobody, ever.
Nobody says
"Our daughter's going to grow up..."
"and do everyone."
The sex life of your children
should not be a matter of your concern.
You're looking so innocent,
"What is sex?"
My wife and me, we have a nanny...
to take care of my wife.
No, my nannies are crazy man.
We went through a
crazy amount of nannies.
My son is a handful,
it takes a lot to control my son.
And we went through like
18 nannies in 18 months.
This was like an Indian
Idol for nannies.
So I asked my
wife "What are you looking for?"
"Listen, okay. This lady
is going to take care of our son."
"She's supposed to be my soulmate."
"What am I?"
"Fried Pubes?"
We had one lady who was
special because she was Bengali
which meant she was insane...
And my son was 4 months at that time
and this lady's like "Give
the child some fish! Give him fish!"
I'm like, he's 4 months old...
And, she's like,
"No, kids love fish!"
"Give the kid fish!"
And, I'm like, "If you're so excited..."
"you only give him fish."
She gave my son fish
and my son just went blegh...
She got pissed off at my son.
She started screaming
"What kind of child are you?"
"Don't you know fish
is so great for your brain?"
FISH! FISH! FISH!
What are you saying?
We had crazy amount, insane
amount of people to take care of my son.
And then we realized - why
we are doing this to ourselves?
Why are we torturing ourselves
like this, we're Indians.
We have parents.
This is now their job...
And your relationship changes
before and after you have a kid...
Before we had a kid my wife and me,
we used to look at both
our sets of parents and be like
"Yo! Wassup parents?"
"We are an independent couple."
"Aite, my nigga."
"This is my house bitch."
"This is my house."
"You stay away from
my house motherfucker."
The second we had a kid
"Relationships also get changed."
"They get tied into new cloth."
I learnt that whole song.
Just for that shitty joke.
I won't tell you the
whole one because it ends with
Smriti Irani becoming Education Minister.
And that's not a
happy ending for anyone.
But that's the best
part about having a kid...
the best part about having
kids is the grandparents.
Grandparents love that kid, man.
And, you should, if you...
Are there any married people?
Anyone?
You guys are married? I like
how there's already a girl between you.
Oh so you are separately married?
Oh OK wait.
There are two couples
and only one from each couple
admitted to their marriage.
You both are married and are
you planning to have kids anytime?
This is damn funny man. She's
looking at him, he's looking at her.
He's like,
"We can definitely have sex but..."
But you should have
a kid and I'll tell you why.
It's primarily for your parents.
Dude, grandparents you have a kid and...
Here's what happens,
Especially when your parents retire that's
when the grandchild is most important.
My parents they retired recently,
they don't know what
to do with themselves.
My dad is at any wedding.
Anyone calls him.
"The watchman's Uncle's
dog's brother's..."
My dad is there, like anywhere.
You know when sometimes you go
to an Indian wedding and you're like...
"Who's that uncle?"
That's my dad. My dad is there.
You have a kid,
my parents love my son...
He can do no wrong in their eyes.
My son could do anything.
Like my son could set the house on fire,
they'll be like,
"Aww... he's so cute."
"When he plays with fire, right?"
"Oh my God."
"He has an AK-47?"
"So cute!"
"He joined ISIS?"
"Oh lelele, our Baghdadi."
They don't give a shit.
Don't give a fuck.
And, look on an emotional thing...
My son's favourite person
on the earth is my dad.
He loves my dad.
And my dad has a very bad back...
Despite that my dad
keeps carrying my son everywhere.
The joy that he feels carrying my son
completely defeats the pain in his back.
It's like beautiful.
It's amazing!
My son is the world's
tiniest Physiotherapist.
It's awesome.
And look here's what happens,
when you have a kid is when you realise
The importance of
your parents in your life...
It took me a long time, I became a dad.
You're never prepared for it.
It's like an entrance exam for medical.
It's like...
You're never ready.
You land up there like "What is this?"
And the government is like...
we changed the date...
Which doctors also
do for child delivery.
My son is NEET!
You're always miscast, man.
You start realising that your parents,
the importance that they had in your lives.
All parents in some shape
or form are your heroes.
It took me time to realise
that my dad is my hero
And this happens with a lot of parents.
They have a yin and yang thing.
They represent two sides of the coin.
My mom is about investments
and brokerage and FD's.
And my dad is like
"Do they serve alcohol
in this restaurant?"
Two different opinions in the world...
Does this happen to you guys?
Are your parents your heroes?
What's the most heroic thing
your parents have done for you?
You're planning to go to U.S.?
After 12th? What are you planning to do?
Engineering? Good stuff.
Your dad was very supportive of...
you becoming an engineer?
What?
An Indian parent who wants
their child to become an engineer?
When you become a father the problem is...
I realised I have to be more responsible.
Because fathers can
never disappoint their sons
Sons can disappoint their fathers,
that's fine!
Abhishek Bachchan - Amitabh.
Absolutely OK.
Rajeev Gandhi - Rahul Gandhi.
Absolutely fine.
Siddharth Mallya - Vijay Mallya.
I don't know who's disappointing whom.
It's stuck somewhere.
But similar to the career thing.
Parents are heroic in bizarre ways.
I've been doing this for a long time,
this crap that I do with my life.
And from the time when
I was 23 till the time I was 28
I earned such little money...
that I didn't have to pay tax.
That's when you know
you're doing badly...
When even the government is like,
"You let it be."
"We'll handle it."
And my parents throughout
this thing were very supportive, man.
They were go out there
and live your life...
The main reason is
my sister is a genius.
My sister's all out there
and winning scholarships and all.
And they are like,
"This bald fucker!"
"Mr. Gupta - must be your son only."
They never put pressure
on me with regards to career.
Lot of Indian parents they
put too much pressure on their kids
with regards to careers.
Like for a lot of Indian
parents they think like
will my child be a Doctor, an Engineer...
or adopted?
It's a very pertinent thing.
A lot of parents are very gung-ho
about putting their kids in Engineering.
Let's take a little bit of survey -
How many engineers here?
This whole room, my God...
First of all I don't want
to make fun of engineers, okay?
Because life is doing that to you.
I don't want to do it.
But a lot of parents
put so much pressure
I don't understand when
do people realise, like
when a baby is 4 days old in...
When do they realise?
"Mother..."
Babies are so annoying
in a theatre, right?
Who's calling?
Your dad's saying
"It's cancelled,
you'll not become an engineer."
"Go to Bangladesh, bro!"
No, man.
But, like parents
put this pressure, right?
And I don't understand
like when you're a baby,
at what stage, like a
4 day old baby...
What aptitude has that baby
shown to become an Engineer?
"Yeah, when he drinks milk, no?"
"From right side is 10 ML."
"Left side is 10ML."
"Chemical Engineer."
Like what the fuck
are you talking about?
And so much pressure man.
Look here's what happens.
We do a lot of shows in
a lot of engineering colleges.
And, I was at one of them,
I won't name it...
I did this show in the morning
and I was staying on the campus at night
and I was just roaming around
the campus at around 11:30
because I'm sad and lonely.
And there's a crazy amount
of commotion for 11:30 PM.
There was this dude on
a cycle just like riding by
and I stopped him.
He's like, "Bro, great show man."
I said, "Thanks bro, whatever."
I'm like,
"Why is there so much commotion?"
"Nothing man."
"Somebody committed suicide."
"Do you want hash?"
That dissemination of information
deserves a lot to be required.
Yes! But...
Let's solve the question first...
No, but.
Crazy amount of frustration
and it comes out even in like ragging
I'm not condoning ragging at all.
It's a disgusting thing.
But it comes out, the desperation
comes out in such bizarre ways.
I went to one college they were like
"When a new student enters,
we make him a Firefly!"
Firefly!!
I am like what are you talking about?
So apparently the way this
works is when a fresher comes in
they basically wait for the dark.
And they make the fresher
pull down their pants.
And, then they take an incense stick...
And the wooden part,
they stick it in the butt...
And then they go to
the top of the terrace
and look down and say, "See Firefly!"
This is the shittiest National Geographic
programming...
I have ever seen.
And honestly again if you are in an...
engineering college,
the incense stick is...
Like I love Engineers man.
You guys are building this nation.
One joint at a time...
It's amazing, you guys are doing it.
But let's talk about
the other career man,
the other career people are
obsessed with man people are obsessed,
Indians are obsessed
with that other career.
Doctors! Yeah!
Obsessed with the shit...
I really respect you guys man.
You guys study for 3000 years...
and then die.
So doctors man you guys are crazy man
Like so much pressure
put on people to become doctor.
I had a friend of mine she
was forced to become dentist...
Almost a doctor, and...
And the reason her parents
wanted her to be a doctor
because they are like she
will get a good marriage proposal...
like what fucking stupid attitude.
And she got a marriage proposal
from a guy who was basically in the US...
Not you, someone else. And...
She got married to this guy in the US
and she reached the US and
she discovered she had to do dentistry
She studied 5 years in India.
Had to do it dentistry all over again.
Because, apparently Americans
have different teeth from us.
Like if you drill them oil comes out.
What the fuck are you talking about?
It's the same teeth.
Look I don't want to put this
kind of pressure on my son, man.
I don't want my son to be a doctor.
Or, Engineer.
Or, Lawyer. Or, whatever.
I want my son to be happy.
That is all.
I want my son to be happy...
That's it.
I want my son to be happy.
Being a doctor or an engineer.
Classic turn around, right?
Initially you were like
What a thought...
Bastard.
But look man like education
is a big part of this whole thing man.
Education is a big part.
Like, as you guys have discovered
for the last 60 minutes in my company
I am a disgusting human being.
We all confirmed?
Confirmed 100% locked.
And this is the decision that
comes to me with regards to my son.
The reason I am this disgusting
person is I went to an All Boys' School.
It makes you like this...
How many boys went to All Boys' School?
Where did you study?
Sorry?
St Pious?
It's a great college name,
school name...
What about you?
It's always a convent right?
Like St. Pious, Bishops and...
Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow.
One lady just standing there like
"Aaah!"
"I feel so sad at your virginity.
Your life sucks."
And it makes you a
disgusting person, man.
You're just surrounded for 10 years
you are just in a room full of boys.
Makes you such a disgusting person.
You come out.
You don't know how
to talk to women at all!
You don't know what to do.
No women like when I came out
I didn't know how to talk to woman.
No woman wants to talk to me I was like
"He he! Boobs!"
It screws you up, man. It screws you up.
It makes you like you become
so disgusting as a person man.
I feel like I felt so bad for any ladies
who were teaching in my school man.
Like we had one teacher
and she was very cute.
And, by that I mean she was under 55...
And the most exciting
thing about her was that
she used to wear skirts.
And this was amazing for us.
And she never taught my class ever.
And then one day she came
to my class as a substitute teacher.
And she gave us a free period.
And, she sat down on the chair...
The number of erasers...
That fell on the floor!
People will be like eraser...
People are like starting
rubber plantation.
Eraser...
It's disgusting...
I felt so bad.
There was another teacher
there was a friend of mine Rishi, OK?
And Rishi was an average
student at best, OK?
Then one lady was
teaching us in class once.
And, Rishi was paying
a lot of attention...
Like crazy amount of attention.
So at the end of the
class I asked him like
"Dude why were you paying
so much of attention?"
He is like "Hey I am a good student."
I am like Fuck Off.
Tell me the real reason.
He is like "Bro!
What happens man is damn crazy man."
"You know what happens you know if you
are sitting like parallel to her right."
"At an 83 degree angle."
"At 12 o'clock you know
when the ultraviolet rays."
"When they hit the
sun the window pane right?"
"There is refraction and
because of the refraction, no?"
"You can see her bra!"
So much knowledge just to see a bra!
And Rishi is by the way one of
the biggest doctors in Mumbai right now!
I like to think this inspired
him he is like, "Science sucks."
I can see bra because of refraction.
I love SCIENCE!
So stupid.
But it makes you a disgusting person.
It really genuinely does man.
Like I thought I was
a disgusting human being like
going in a boys school all along.
Then I'm like never
going to find a woman...
Then I met my wife who
went to an All Girls' school.
Which is a different level...
Not only that,
my wife went to an All Girls' hostel.
That is double the frustration.
And she used to keep
telling me stories like
"You know what used to happen."
"When we used to hit our puberty,
no?"
"Our boobs used to come out."
"And, we used to keep
punching each other's boobs."
"And we used to find this really funny."
I am like your joke...
is our porn!
So I have decided that my
son is going to an All Girls' hostel.
He is going to be Vijender Singh.
Oh but not only that my school
and all is like next level thing right?
My son is as I mentioned
is 19 months at moment.
And when my son was like 17 months
we had to put him in a Play School.
My wife is like, "Shit yaar
we missed the deadline it's crazy."
"People apply when they are 18 months."
"Some apply when they are 12 months."
"Some apply when
they are pregnant only."
I am like call up doctor
when you are having sex only, no?
Start off there.
Like, "Yes. Hello doctor what's
going on? How are you doctor?"
"No, no we were making a baby!"
"No, no it's Doggy
Style - 100 % confirmed."
But look here what's happens
man here's what happens like...
The show has been disgusting.
Let's take the next level of filth.
I want to talk for a second
about breastfeeding, OK?
And it's not a disgusting thing right?
It's a bizarre thing as a
husband to get used to this stuff.
It's really bizarre...
Because again
it's like watching something
which you had so much fun with...
Just...
Turn into something for utility.
Like it's like watching Pornhub...
It is damn weird.
And as a man you have no
contribution to this whole thing.
The whole process
you have nothing to do.
The only thing men do
with this breastfeeding is...
we burp the baby.
If you don't know...
You just take it like and,
"Yes burp now! Take this!"
I am great father...
That's the job and
breastfeeding by the way.
I checked up online apparently
that men can also lactate.
Check this up on Google.
Men can also lactate.
If you squeeze the nipples long enough.
No!
And by the way with that logic:
ANYTHING could lactate,
if you squeeze it long enough...
That's how soya milk is made...
You just go...
Take this milk.
It's like fucking crazy.
So breastfeeding is a bizarre thing.
And, lot of cultures accept
breastfeeding wholeheartedly.
Lot of cultures do it.
Like even here like Nepal,
Bhutan, Africa all over the place...
You are very excited.
Bhutan is nearby...
"Hello, Makemytrip?"
"Prepare my breastfeeding package fast."
I don't know why you are
calling them up but whatever...
I was in one country
where they also have a...
They also have a... they are very
open about this breastfeeding thing.
I was in a place called Zambia,
which is in Africa.
And great fun we
were having we were in a...
I was with my friend Ngoma.
Who's like a superb guy
he is like wonderful.
First of all his name
is kickass he is like,
"I have Ngoma."
What a great funky name
and we were on a boat party
or whatever it was a hippo.
And we are having a good time.
And everyone is drinking and
dancing and we are having great fun.
It's all fucking awesome and
shit and it's great and suddenly...
In the middle of this whole
thing Ngoma's wife she just goes
and sits down on a chair.
And she just whips out
a baby from I don't know where...
Like that's the one
Angelina left behind.
I don't understand!
And she whips out one of her...
And, it's as big as the baby.
Like the baby is
looking like what the...
I am not the Manjhi the Mountain Man.
And then suddenly she
whips out another baby.
I don't know from where these
babies are coming from.
Whips out another baby
and then whips out one of her...
Continents... and...
She does something
I have like it was amazing.
I am not looking this
from dirty filthy perspective.
It's like amazing
beautiful thing to watch...
Because she started to feed
both the babies, simultaneously.
It was amazing.
It was like watching
her ride a Royal Enfield.
And I am watching this amazed.
Not out of any filthiness.
Not like, "Oh ho Black Watermelons."
I am watching this genuinely fascinated
because this is a beautiful
thing to watch.
The problem is again,
I am a North Indian.
Even when we are trying
to look innocent we look like...
And I'm doing this
and I suddenly see Ngoma
looking at me looking at his wife.
And I'm like fuck!
He's gonna kick my ass...
Ngoma walks to me like, "Hey man..."
"She got some big ones, right?"
That's insane. And he is black, dude.
If he wanted he didn't even
need a weapon to kick my ass.
He just come with like just like!
After that joke I
can't have any babies...
I got to admit that's the
only reason I have a Mike Stand.
It's only there for me to
have a giant black penis.
That's the only purpose of it.
Ah but let's talk if you are dirty enough
let's talk about something filthier...
Let's talk about sex,
sex after having a baby is crazy, right?
And the problem is like for women also
like the main reason
you can't have sex is...
Because women have been
through a biological change.
And all that stuff.
Like, it's been a problem.
The problem is men are also to blame.
Because once we have a baby we are like
"My job is done!"
"I have done what not...
I have created."
Like we are done.
Like my wife during
her pregnancy put on 6 kilos
I put on 8.
Because I am a Team Player, guys.
The reason I put on weight there
was like my wife had crazy hunger pangs.
Pregnant women have
bizarre hunger pangs.
In the middle of the night she is like
I want Goat ice-cream
with a flavour of oyster below
with a Mentos on top.
Something bizarre shit.
And I get it home and my
wife would do the whole girl thing.
She is like," 5 bites, I am full."
And I will be like...
Put on a crazy amount of weight.
And, the reason I put on
weight primarily is because
I love non-veg and I love alcohol.
OK, I love non veg.
How many people are
non-vegetarians here?
Yeah, awesome.
How many people are vegetarians?
That's fine. That's OK, guys.
We don't judge.
The thing is the reverse
happens a lot, right?
Vegetarians judge
non-vegetarians a lot, right?
"Oh my God. You're eating
a living thing oh my God..."
"It's a living thing."
Dude I am eating a chicken.
Have you seen chickens?
Chickens are fuckall alright?
All are like...
A chicken is never going
to amount to anything...
A chicken is never
going to be a president.
Donald Trump is trying,
but, he is never gonna be President.
It will be Tofu, Hillary Clinton...
Don't ask why.
People are confused like what?
No but okay here... see here is the
thing people don't tell you this enough
Babies are evil, OK?
Babies are evil.
Who else thinks babies are evil?
Who all thinks babies are evil,
anyone? Anyone?
What is the most evil thing
baby has done to you so far?
Cry on a plane...
Yeah they're crying because
they have air pressure.
You piece of shit...
How dare you judge my baby?
The weird thing is: 1.5 years back
I am like babies are dickheads.
No but I get it, OK?
Babies are evil though...
Babies are evil OK.
And, the thing is they
get away with a lot of shit
because, they are cute.
They do something evil
and there are like hehe.
And we are like, "Awww."
My son is evil as fuck.
He does such evil shit.
My son and me we were on a bus...
We are not poor...
We were going to the plane...
It was a GoAir flight.
I have no money... and...
My son is sitting
next to this other baby
and these two babies are
just checking each other out like
"Whatup bro, you still
poop and shit and whatever?"
And suddenly I see my
son he looks at the other baby
takes his hand.
And puts his entire hand
into the baby's mouth...
And starts massaging
him everywhere inside.
I'm like you are not
toothpaste. What are you doing?
There is no ad which says
"Does your toothpaste have a baby?"
There is no shit like that.
Another incident:
I was applying for my son's passport...
OK. We are sitting
in the passport office.
And it was me,
my son and there was this...
very lovely Muslim lady in a hijab.
And we were generally having a...
Relax!
You're like, "Oh, he said Hijab!"
So we are sitting and I was generally having
a very fun conversation with this lady.
Like a really casual fun
friendly conversation like...
She's like oh RSS rocks.
And, Modi is my One Direction and...
And I am like
Owaisi-what a cool guy.
And Zakir Naik eh?
You know casual conversation.
No, we were actually
having a fun conversation.
And generally like laughing and shit.
And, suddenly I see my son look at me.
And look at her and then go out there
and grab her...
Silkiness.
And in my head I am like shit dude.
Do you know the country
we are living in right now?
Everything is a religious horror story.
I am imagining the news the next day...
"Molester Hindu Baby
Causes Communal Riots!"
Shit like that.
And this lady just
looks at my baby like...
"Haha he's a kid..."
"I would've chopped him,
if he were a man."
She said that as a joke... just...
Some of you are like...
"What? Did she really say that?"
And the most ultimate
story of my son being evil...
Like I play with my son all the time...
Like we have great fun playing...
And once I was alone with my son...
And we were having
a lot of fun in the house...
Right we were just playing
and I am running around like
Hahaha!
And, he is running around like
Hahaha!
And then I am lying down on
the floor and I am looking at him like
Hahaha!
And he looks at me like...
Hahahaa!
And he pukes in my mouth.
There is no level of intimacy...
Which takes it this far!
There is French kissing
where we go 'Nom nom nom'
There is no Scandinavian kissing going...
I mean who does that shit? And, wait.
You guys are disgusting...
Disgusted? This happened to me.
And this story is not over yet...
It gets worse.
This was the first day my wife and
me had started giving my son solid food.
He was 6 months at the time.
And the food that we
had started him off on was:
Bottle gourd,
Aubergine
and Avocado.
Like he had gone straight
to Mediterranean hors de vors from...
Booby milk!
It is fucking nuts.
Aubergine and bottle gourd.
Aubergine and bottle gourd are the
most disgusting veggies in the world...
They are like the KRK
and Munaf Patel of veggies.
They are disgusting!
And you know what is more disgusting
than Aubergine and bottle gourd?
The puke of Aubergine
and Bottle Gourd in your mouth!
And I realised. Hey man my
son is doing this for time pass.
He is not just doing this for Ehh...
He is trying to send out a message...
Babies are evil geniuses...
He is trying to send
out a message to me...
Hey yo, baldie - what up, bitch?
You gotta get me some good food man...
You give me some Aubergine?
I am going to puke it in your mouth.
You give me Bitter Gourd...
I will shit in your face.
He has had mutton biryani
every day since that day.
But yeah look: babies are
evil and shit but, it's fine...
Yeah, I made fun of him for
a while but I fucking love my son.
He is awesome.
I play with him all the time.
And we play all sorts
of games also all the time.
Like we have one game where...
He takes all my stuff.
He hides it.
And then he gives me back 2% of it.
It's called...
Being the Congress.
Umm...It's a good game.
There is another game where he hides.
And I can see him but
I just can't catch him...
It's called Being Lalit Modi...
it's a... it's an exciting game...
There is also another game going as
a toy train set and we set it on fire...
If you know, you know.
There is a game also which
is based on Arvind Kejriwal...
We play it every alternate day.
And whoever loses blames the BJP.
It's a great game.
No but we play all the time man...
It's...it's awesome fun.
I love playing with my son.
And the reason I play with
him is that the bond with my son.
Actually started
even before he was born.
Now I want to tell you a quick story.
So what happened was that this
time my wife was 7 months pregnant.
And my wife is like,"You know what?"
"You should talk to the
foetus inside the womb."
And I was like,
"You should see a psychiatrist."
She's like, "No, at 7 months
their ears start developing."
"So they can hear stuff.Ó
I am like,"Seriously
Dr Zaveri sits from 4 to 6."
"I can pencil you in."
And then I did it because
I am a great father.
And my wife threatened divorce. And...
And it's a bizarre thing...
What are you supposed to
say to a thing inside the stomach?
What are you supposed to say?
It's a bizarre thing...
Like what do you say?
Hey bro. What's up? How's it going?
You seen any good movies lately?
Like any way you are in an IMAX dome.
Haha!
Joke, son. Joke.
What do you say?
Then I realised something...
Dude this is an unborn entity.
He has no consciousness.
He has no idea what the
hell it means to be alive.
He has no clue...
He is not going to remember Jackshit.
So what I decided was I am just going
to start telling him in gory detail...
about how he was conceived.
And this is a true story. My wife and me...
We conceived my son in Grand Hyatt Goa.
And then when we were
trying for the 2nd child,
We tried in Leela in Delhi...
Because we only have 5-star kids.
We should just name them after
the hotel they were conceived in, right?
That's my son Hyatt.
We love him dearly.
What a lovely guy.
Our daughter, Leela.
Ah, she is so beautiful.
So intelligent.
And, that's the child we didn't want...
That's OYO rooms, yuck.
So, I am like you know what?
I am just going to tell
him all the shit about...
how he was conceived.
And, I am like.
So son, what happened, no?
Your mom and me went to Grand Hyatt Goa.
We had so much fun.
The beds were so bouncy, it was amazing.
And, we had breakfast buffet...
Such amazing sausages.
Your dad's sausages!
Joke, son. Joke!
And, I am like forget about it whatever.
Did it like 10-12 times, whatever.
From the time he was 7-9 months.
Cut to the day my son was born.
I just said... cut to
the day my son was born.
And a baby started crying.
This is cray. Whoever did that.
You are better at
choreography than Prabhu Deva...
That is amazing...
So, anyway. Cut to day my son was
born and he popped out of my wife and...
People say all this shit about
like childbirth...like childbirth...
It's a miraculous thing.
And it's a celebration of life...
And a manifestation of
humanity and souls and fucking.
It is bullshit, it is disgusting.
Childbirth is disgusting!
That kid comes out like
full of strawberry milkshake and...
They look disgusting dude.
Babies come out and you are like...
When my son came out I was like...
"Doctor sir - this one
hasn't been cooked yet."
"Put it back!"
Like it's just...
Anyway, my son came out.
My son came out and he
cried much like that baby and...
He started crying because he has been
like inside this place for like 9 months,
living rent free.
And... and the Doctor
cuts his umbilical cord.
And my son starts crying, OK?
And the doctor takes him and
puts him on this one table or whatever.
And, these 8 or 9 - all
the people involved...
They are all these medical
practitioners and they are trying to
calm this child down.
He is refusing to stop.
He is bawling his head off,
his eyes are darting all over the place,
he can't stop crying.
Nothing is working!
And, then suddenly from
across the room 10 minutes later
I look at my son and I am like...
Hey buddy. What's up?
And he just looks, stops crying...
And, he just looks like really bewildered.
And he looks at me and gives
this version of whatever the smile was.
Alright, my heart fucking exploded dude.
And I am like...
Dude he was listening all along.
And then I realised...
Fuck!
He was listening all along!
This is going to mess
him up in subconscious ways.
He can't even understand.
He will grow up to be
12 years old and I am like...
Son, let's go for a vacation.
Where do you want to go?
"Grand Hyatt Goa, you bastard."
"I heard they have great sausages!"
'My dad's!"
"Joke, son. Joke."
"Take it, you bald ass!"
And look I just wanna
give a shout out to...
Like I saw my wife go through this whole
childbirth and stuff and it's crazy man.
Like I respect women in general; but,
seeing that stuff...
The respect went up like 15 times.
This is like vaguely part of the show
but I would just want to talk about this.
I genuinely believe this.
I genuinely think that Indian
women are classier than Indian men.
How many people agree?
C'mon. Yeah?
Do we agree? Women are classier, man.
Everything you do is classier than us.
When you guys want to go get a haircut
You guys go to a stylist.
Oh, yes - a stylist.
Let's go to the stylist.
Men go to barbers.
"Give me Lalan's
phone number right now!"
And what's the difference
between a stylist and a barber?
The stylist speaks in English.
That's it!
You guys are basically
paying 4000 Rs. extra.
For subtitles.
That's all you are doing.
Of course, me going for a haircut?
I mean - c'mon like.
Soap is my shampoo.
And shampoo is Anil Kapoor's soap.
Tea-seller!
But women are nice man.
Women are nice.
Women are nice!
You guys are nice.
Except to each other.
You know what happens.
Like every that same sex group.
Like the same sex group of men or women.
Like women are way nicer
to that same sex group.
And you know tightly knit right.
And you are very supportive
of all your friends.
Like if you have a friend...
there is always one friend in that group
who is not very good-looking, right?
I know because it's me.
And, women are so supportive.
You have a friend of yours
not so good-looking like...
Honey, you are a hottie.
You are a hottie and a sizzling brownie.
Here, eat some.
Like it's like fucking great.
Men don't have that shit...
We have a friend of ours
who is ugly like, we'll be like:
"Bro, you look like an anus."
"A God damn anus!"
"Only way you are going
to get a chick is if are rich."
"That's the only chance you have."
"But, enough about Mukesh Ambani."
Let's move on.
Women believe in stuff, man.
You guys believe in stuff.
Like again: I didn't want to have a kid.
And my wife is like: just believe
it's gonna be great and it was.
It was amazing.
Like because she believed it,
I believed.
Women believe in this stuff.
Like you guys believe in like family,
you guys believe in fate.
You believe in all these
wonderful concepts and stuff.
Some of you of course take it too far.
You believe in like star signs and shit.
Which is like just
next level of insanity.
That's why you need
somebody for the first time.
Like oh my God.
Wait, one second, just one second.
You are born in September?
That is crazy ya.
That means you are probably
like a Virgo or something?
That means you're shy, gentle and kind.
Men don't have that shit man.
We meet somebody for the first time.
We are like bro.
You are born in September?
Your parents fucked in Jan.
Whoever is not laughing
just did the maths right now.
"Shee, mummy papa January nooo!"
I was born on September 14th,
so there you go.
My son was born on March 22nd because...
We wanted a tax-deductible baby.
Missed it by 9 days.
But look as in conclusion okay.
In conclusion.
I just want to answer like the
very pertinent question you know.
At the end of this kind of show...
Thank you.
My Archana Puran Singh is a baby.
Like people ask this
very pertinent question.
They are like at the end
of this puking in your mouth,
And the fucking sleepless nights.
And, all this money and shit like that.
Is it worth it having a baby?
And the answer of course is:
No.
Just pull out.
Trust me.
Just pull out and say
Sorabh told me. I'm leaving.
Just do it.
And the bizarrest thing
about having a baby.
I started the show initially
by saying that my wife is paranoid dude.
The thing is if you have
a kid you become paranoid.
You are thinking about this child.
All day and all night.
Everything about
this child consumes you.
I will be in the same house as my son.
I'll be inside.
I will be in the bedroom.
My son is outside.
And I will be having all
this big questions about my son:
Will he be a good man?
Will he achieve all his dreams?
Will he be good to women?
Will he do whatever
he wants to in his life?
And I go to the drawing room.
And I see my son looking
at a pigeon farting.
And laughing his head off!
This dude is laughing at a pigeon farting.
And you hear that laughter
and it is entirely...
If it's your kid,
that laughter is fucking amazing man.
If it's your child.
This is the child you have and it's...
The fucking most glorious thing that
you can ever hear in your life, man.
And it ties in very quickly
to even what I do even as a comedian.
I love making people laugh.
It's the thing that makes
me the happiest in the world.
And, and that's why when you
come to a show like this.
And you come to a comedian
at the end of the show,
And say that for the last
90 minutes I forgot all my worries.
That's the highest compliment
you can ever give us.
It's the nicest thing you can ever say.
And, when I come to you
at the end of the show and say:
For the last 90 minutes,
I forgot all my worries.
I just made an ass out of you!
But guys, I have been
doing this for a long time man.
I have been doing Standup
for like 8.5 years.
Done 1200 shows in 80
cities across the country.
16 countries all over the world.
And, I wanted to make people laugh.
And, very recently I realized:
That none of it matters.
Because, my baby thinks I am funny.
And, that's all that counts.
Thank you so much ladies and gentlemen.
You've been a lovely crowd, man.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot, guys.
I appreciate it!
Bye, Bye!
gentlemen for coming out tonight...
How are you guys doing? Come on!
This is fun man, this is nice...
I like how this whole thing
feels like a red light area right now...
But today it's an
inspirational story, okay?
This story today is
an inspirational one...
It's about how my wife and me had sex...
And, nine months later
something came out...
And it was all because of me,
thank you so much...
I, I, Thank you, thank you so much...
Thank you, I really appreciate it...
Like a man's contribution to actually
making a baby is so limited, right?
You just go like...
Enjoy your mayonnaise.
I'll see you in 9 months.
So today's show is all about babies and
all about fatherhood and stuff like that...
And I see a lot of young
people in the crowd here,
You're like: "Who gives a shit?"
I don't either,
I didn't even want to have a baby...
And, then my wife was like divorce and...
So I'm like, "I love babies!"
So let's take a little bit of a survey,
right? Before we begin the show...
How many people here want
to have a baby at some stage?
How many people want to have a baby?
Yeah, you too? You too sir as well?
Are you married?
To this lady here?
"Yeah."
I love this because you raised
your hand and she didn't...
You're like "Let's do it!"
And then she's like "Dream on!"
Now I just want to quickly
tell you how babies are made...
So my wife and me were trying
to have a baby for about a year
and I have no problem with trying...
I love trying, okay?
Trying is amazing...
I will try four times
a night if you want me to.
Okay, once.
And...
and my wife and me were
trying for a kid for about a year
And you know when we just went to
The doctor to check
up if everything was fine.
The doctor told us
to take a bunch of tests...
which is the doctor's way of saying
"Does your stuff even work or no?"
And as a part of this whole
thing this doctor basically
Told me to go and take
a sperm sample test, okay?
Which by the way is the best prescription
any doctor can ever give you...
It's just a medical
professional saying:
"Jack off!"
It's awesome!
It's amazing!
And so okay, has any man had
to go for a semen test ever, anyone? No?
This guy is pointing to his friend...
It's always his friend,
it's never you na?
Did you sir? No.
How do you know by
the way is the question?
Were you guys trying with each other?
Because I know what the
medical problem here is...
No I mean like proper sperm test
not like amateur level like you guys,
like I mean professional Level.
And by the way,
you think this is a great thing, right?
Like it's just you go there
and do this thing and whatever,
it's not!
It's very disgusting,
it's a very disgusting thing
because you go to the
counter and as soon as you
declare you're coming that,
people start judging you already.
Like I went to the
counter and I was like
"Madam, I need a little..."
And she's like...
And it's very intimidating
because right up top
she comes and she hands
me this cup this big
What?
I'm like madam can I come back next week?
This is, even then I won't
be able to fill it up by myself...
I'll need help from the neighbor
"Mr. Gupta, please help me out, please."
"Yes, give me some sugar as well"
It's damn creepy, man.
And even movies mislead you man,
movies mislead you into thinking that
this thing is like a fun thing, right?
In movies what they always do is like
whenever you're doing this
test is always like magazines
to put you in the mood...
I went to this place and
the only magazine there was
Tinkle Digest No. 427
This is not going to
put anyone in the mood.
Nobody goes like
"Oh yeah, Suppandi!"
"Yeah, Suppandi!"
You know what they say
about a man with a big chin.
And personally I prefer Champak.
And it's very creepy man,
it's a very creepy thing,
and the weird thing
is that I'm in this room
doing this disgusting act by myself
and in the middle of
me doing this whole thing,
there's suddenly a knock on the door
like loudly "Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!"
And I'm like...
Mom?
No, I'm just reading Tinkle, mummy...
And what happened apparently is...
these guys were trying
to repair the door...
While I was inside doing that...
Do you want to test
the door before I do that?
This is the shittiest
knock-knock joke in history.
"Knock! Knock! Who's there?"
"Pant's Dick! Pant's Dick - who?"
What the fuck are you talking about?
So anyway, I have a kid and
as it turned out everything was fine.
We were all ready to
go and my wife was pregnant...
Thank you so much...
I'm very talented.
I love my son a lot...
The problem is my son's mother
who also happens to be my wife.
Coincidence?
Dude, my wife is insane...
Like my wife is so
goddamn paranoid, right?
And my wife is paranoid because
she genuinely believes that...
Google is a doctor.
My wife believes anything Google says.
My wife came to me once,
she had a pimple on her face
and she's like "I have skin cancer"
Listen if a pimple gave you skin cancer,
Om Puri's entire career is chemotherapy.
What are you talking about?
So stupid.
And if you go on Google anything
gives you cancer by the way,
I checked up.
Just go to Google and
check this up at some stage...
I googled fart and cancer...
You get it.
If you have too much Rice & Beans,
you have cancer.
It's fucking, any bullshit
And paranoia by the way, my wife...
If you're like paranoid as a person,
when you have a kid,
that makes you 50 times more paranoid
about that child
and what my wife does not realize
is paranoia is now an industry.
Like it's lucrative
to make people paranoid.
Like people get worked up and shit
and then they buy stuff
to become less paranoid, right?
And she keeps doing all
this weird stuff for my son like,
you know like expression of a paranoia.
First of all you know
that weird thing like...
What is that thing?
You rub on your hands to clean the...
What?
Sanitizer!
Everyone said sanitizer
this guy said Massage Oil...
Are you from Kerala or something?
I'm a Malayali,
coconut oil means cleansing.
Massage Oil...
Yeah, I mean if you use
massage oil on the right places.
It does cleanse you.
So my wife keeps using -
anything she's like "sanitizer".
Like fucking anything,
sanitizer near my son
and for babies who what you have is,
you have these mosquito patches.
I'm sure some of you guys like
these mosquito patches on the babies.
Now most parents put like one or two.
My wife puts like 89.
My son enters the park
and all the mosquitoes are like
"Fuck, The Terminator has entered."
And the other day my
wife in her state of paranoia,
she bought my son, she bought him a mug
for 1,200 Rupees.
And I'm like "What is
so special about this mug?"
And she's like "Listen,
this is a very special mug."
"You know what happens with this mug."
"It's a special mug."
"When you pour water on
the child while bathing them, no?"
"The water doesn't go into their eyes."
You can do that with a normal mug also.
Just don't go like "Drink this!
Happy Holi to you!"
Don't throw it into his eyes.
The thing about having a kid like,
one of the reasons why
I like my wife is, you have to
you need a person to create a baby.
And my wife, we have a
lot of love in the relationship,
is what we say to people.
My wife and me we had a love marriage.
As in: I loved her.
And she loved marriage.
Ummm...
Some people are like,
"It's true for us also, son."
We had a love marriage
and the thing is like
I thought it's a really
cool thing to be proud of and
my parents also had a love
marriage which is like a far more,
because my parents had
a love marriage in the 1970's.
Which is far more hard-core.
And they were dating each other
for four years before they got married.
That's fucking amazing man.
By the 70's standards
they were hard-core.
They were like the Hrithik
and Kangana of their era.
Without the cheating part.
But my dad is a very sweet man.
The problem is he was very shy of my mom.
So he wanted to propose to my mom
but he's very shy
of like women in general.
So what my dad did was,
he asked for my mom's hand in marriage
by asking a friend to ask her.
Like my dad did a proposal by proxy...
One uncle went down
on one knee and was like
"Sujata!"
"Will you make me the
happiest man on Earth."
"And marry that guy over there."
"He's hiding over there.
Please marry him."
Umm... so yeah I mean that's essentially
how my parents created
me and then whatever.
But there's also like,
the next step is like
you go through the entire
9 months of insanity and
then you come to the point when
the child birth actually happens, OK?
But like movies mislead you, right?
Movies mislead you.
Like every time you see a movie,
I'm not talking about
the childbirth itself,
the actual build
up is crazy in the movies.
In the movies it's always like
"Oh my God my water is broken."
And then Narmada
dam protest started like
"Please do not allow
this water to come here."
And Arundhati Roy is like "I will
not allow this water, how dare you?"
And then what happens
after this whole thing is this
explosion and then Sebastian Vettel
takes you to the car
and drives you straight to the hospital.
And you reach the hospital
and the doctor is like
"Oh my God, Aamir Khan!
Get me the vacuum cleaner."
Chaos like that...
Is there any gynaec here by the way?
I really respect you guys,
I mean all day you have
to look into Mahakali Caves.
Like "Hello! Helloo! Hellooo!"
It's a tough job, guys.
No. But, again as I said
the delivery itself is chaos.
But the actual build
up to it is relaxed.
Like what happened with
my wife and me was that
my wife was 9 months
pregnant at that time
and was due any second.
And at 10:30 pm my wife is like
"Oh you know,
I think something's coming."
And I'm like "What are the options?"
So I tell my wife
and like "You know what?"
"Let's go to the hospital
and if it's what we think it is."
"Great."
"If not we'll just go get ice-cream."
And my wife is absolutely
fine with that.
Like that's our attitude.
We are okay with a baby...
or butterscotch.
We have no problems and we get
to the hospital all relaxed and shit
and we go and the doctor's like
"Yes, you guys are having a baby."
And my wife is genuinely disappointed.
She looks at me and she's
like "You mean no ice cream?"
I'm like let's have priorities.
I will get you a Magnum later.
Let's have priorities.
So we anyway take my wife
in for the entire this thing.
I was there for the delivery.
And again what happens is like
in the movies they always mislead you.
Especially like Hollywood movies
mislead you to think
that men are really calming influences.
Right? Like every time you
are watching a Hollywood movie
like Hugh Grant is
always there in the movie...
Some British character going like...
"Oh my honey, cuddle poodle dumper."
"My softy cone."
"My Brexit."
"Ooohhh!"
And the chick has calmed down.
Dude I went to my wife once
during her contraction and I'm like
"My little..."
"Go to the corner!"
"You bastard. You made this happen."
And I'm sitting in the corner
playing Fruit Ninja...
Like, "Bring juice for the Prince!"
Or whatever.
So the whole delivery thing.
The women are like fucking
champions and warriors of this shit
We'll come to that in a bit.
So anyway, my wife is going
through contractions for about 6 hours
and then comes the most crucial juncture
where the doctor comes like
"Hey, it's time for the delivery."
"And, we got to take
her to the delivery room."
He asked me a very crucial question.
"Hey, the delivery is about to happen."
"Do you want to watch it
from the Front?"
"Or, do you want to
watch it from the Back?"
And I'm like "Bro..."
"I've seen Game of Thrones."
"I've seen the Red Wedding,
you ain't got shit on me."
"I will see it from the front."
Do not watch it from the front.
Don't watch it!
The stuff that happens.
First of all is watching something that
you've had so much fun with...
Just being torn apart.
It is like what Americans
felt during 9/11.
It is insane!
And it's all crazy man,
anyway again this whole thing happens
and contraction etc etc...
And then the doctor a wonderful gynaec.
A Parsi gentleman and
he basically pulled out my son
and he handed him to me and I'm like
"No, it's okay. You keep him."
"You are Parsi,
you need them more than I do."
"You can name him
whatever Xerxes or Cyrus..."
"or Xenophobia, whatever."
Dude, women are fucking champions...
My wife went through this
entire thing like a 9 hour process.
She went through the entire thing without
epidurals which reduces the pain.
She had a natural childbirth.
Fucking insane dude...
Men could never pull this shit off.
I could personally
never pull this shit off.
Like if somebody told me, like
"Hey, here's what's gonna happen."
"Here's how this is gonna go down."
"You're gonna have a living
being inside you for 9 months, okay?"
"You're gonna go
through contractions for 9 hours."
"And, then your dick will expand."
And my wife is like "Oh my Magnum!"
And then a living thing
is gonna come out of you
and I'm like fuck that.
I'm getting a Labrador.
Balls!
I'll name him Xenophobia.
When my son was born there
were two names doing the rounds.
I wanted to call him Arjun.
And my wife wanted
to call him Vikramaditya.
And my son's name is Vikramaditya...
Because he came out of my wife.
And Finders Keepers...
But here's what happens man,
these days people are going crazy
with the kind of names
they have for the kids, right?
And I met a friend
of mine and she was like
"This is my daughter, Pooja."
And I'm like thank God.
What a normal name.
"Hey, Pooja" and she's like
"Not Pooja..."
"It's Puzeayy!"
"It's P, U, E, Z, A, M, FFFFF."
It's name for the Mandarin
goddess for the African goddess...
of farting on people's faces.
Whatever bullshit.
What crap?
Like how do to talk to this poor girl?
"Hey, Puezamfff."
"Your parents are Poonanies."
"Did you know that about yourself?"
"Did you know that?"
But people have crazy names...
Does anyone whose friends
have weird names here?
Who raised their hands?
Your friend's name is Silver Shah?
What a fucking Gujarati cliché.
So clichéd.
That's like a Marwari called Diamond.
It's so fucking stupid.
Yeah?
Mercury More?
And for your temperature
you just shove him up your ass?
98.3 Mercury.
And here's the thing in India,
we don't even settle on the names...
The names are not where we stop.
Our most important
thing is not even the name.
The pet name is even more important.
Like till I was 12, I swear to you.
I genuinely didn't
know that I had a name.
Because everybody used to
keep calling me Chikoo (Sapodilla)
Everyone used to call me Chikoo
and was anyone called
Chikoo here at some stage?
Admit it.
Yeah, ma'am. You were called Chikoo?
What's your name?
Swati, why did they call you Chikoo?
Did anyone ever tell you?
No idea?
I asked my mom the same question
"Hey, why did you call me Chikoo?"
"Because when you were born no?"
"You were round and brown."
"Mom, that's racist towards fruits..."
"And me."
My son is white and round,
should I call him Custard apple?
What the fuck is happening?
I'm just glad my parents
didn't name me after something else
that's round and brown...
No, but pet names...
Pet names are a part
of the Indian thing, right?
Does anyone's friends here,
have you given any
friends weird pet names?
Anyone? Yeah, nobody?
Yeah!
Sorry? Mihir?
Why Lady Finger?
Again, how do you know?
You said he's been for a sperm test
and now Lady Finger because
"Hey, I've seen it."
This is great, man...
It's like I'm a fruit
and he's a vegetable...
It's amazing!
So anyway,
my son is called Vikramaditya...
And here's what happens man,
I don't know how many people know this,
but like a very crucial juncture
on becoming a parent is...
Like people are always very
excited by the first words that
their kids say.
The first word that
they say is "Mamma", right?
It's so exciting.
Like when my son said Mamma,
we were like
"What an amazing orator!"
"He's like the Barack
Obama of babies."
He called my wife Mamma.
I am like amazing...
Then he called my laptop, Mamma.
He called me Mamma.
And I'm like I haven't
been to Bangkok this year.
Then he called my maid Mamma.
And I'm like how does he know?
I don't know how biology works,
just saying...
And the weird thing is,
the problem is I'm a North Indian.
And what this means that
it's very exciting to me...
I genuinely want my son's first words,
I want it to be a cuss word.
I just want it.
It's just that,
the inner sleazebag that is there.
You just want it.
Like every time my wife is not looking
I'm like "Say Asshole, na?"
"Please, once. For Papa."
"Say Asshole na."
It'll be great.
My son's first words - Asshole.
And my wife is like "You
know your father very well"
But here's the thing man,
I have a son...
Let's come to the crux of the situation.
People keep saying that
girls and boys are not different,
they're all the same. United as one.
Girls and boys are
completely different. OK?
Girls have completely
different skill sets.
Girls become much faster
at learning language, social skills.
Girls become human
beings faster than boys...
Boys take a long time.
If you're from Haryana...
takes your whole life.
He is 55 years old.
Give him 2 more years.
Girls learn language way faster.
When my son was 16 months old,
my wife has a friend of
hers who also has a daughter...
We used to keep getting all
sorts of WhatsApp videos of her
speaking all sorts of stuff, like
"Twinkle twinkle little star!"
"How I wonder..."
"And, the theory of
relativity is as follows."
"And, the formula for Pi is 3.14158."
And some shit.
My son's only words at that time were...
"Aaah! Aaah!"
"Aaah! Aaah!"
Which translates to
"Pick me up you Porter."
"You're a bald Porter, pick me up!"
"Pick me up!"
Girls are totally different...
Boys are more excited about
the physical stuff, right?
They're excited about doing stuff.
Girls are more excited
about being humans, right?
I go to a person who
has a girl in the house
and the girl is like chilling there like
"Hey, wassup I'm a girl,
I'm learning stuff"
My son enters the house.
He kicks the furniture,
takes and throws it on people's faces.
Takes ink dumps it on people's faces...
My son is from the Shiv Sena!
It's nuts.
This is the last time
I'm doing this show.
It's okay!
So girls and boys
are completely different.
And it's also the way you raise them
like, here's what happened...
My wife and me one
year into having my son
My wife was like "We
should've had a girl."
"You know what I'm just
gonna dress him in a frock."
And, I'm like,
"You stay away from my son."
I was away from home one day and my wife
put my son in a frock
and took photographs of him.
That's something you
never do with a baby boy.
The two photographs you
never take of a baby boy.
One is him dressed as a girl.
And the second is him naked.
You never do it.
Because one day he's gonna
grow and have friends like these guys.
And, they're just going to look and go,
"Look! Look! Yours was so small."
"So small."
"Look! Look!"
"It's not a Penis."
"It's a Pe!"
Some shit like that...
And here's what happens,
some Indians are sexists.
I'm not saying all but
some Indians are sexist.
And it comes out in
very bizarre ways, right?
I have a friend of mine
whose son is 12 months old.
And he's very excited
about this son's future.
"My son's gonna grow up..."
"and DO everyone."
Nobody ever says that about a girl...
Nobody, ever.
Nobody says
"Our daughter's going to grow up..."
"and do everyone."
The sex life of your children
should not be a matter of your concern.
You're looking so innocent,
"What is sex?"
My wife and me, we have a nanny...
to take care of my wife.
No, my nannies are crazy man.
We went through a
crazy amount of nannies.
My son is a handful,
it takes a lot to control my son.
And we went through like
18 nannies in 18 months.
This was like an Indian
Idol for nannies.
So I asked my
wife "What are you looking for?"
"Listen, okay. This lady
is going to take care of our son."
"She's supposed to be my soulmate."
"What am I?"
"Fried Pubes?"
We had one lady who was
special because she was Bengali
which meant she was insane...
And my son was 4 months at that time
and this lady's like "Give
the child some fish! Give him fish!"
I'm like, he's 4 months old...
And, she's like,
"No, kids love fish!"
"Give the kid fish!"
And, I'm like, "If you're so excited..."
"you only give him fish."
She gave my son fish
and my son just went blegh...
She got pissed off at my son.
She started screaming
"What kind of child are you?"
"Don't you know fish
is so great for your brain?"
FISH! FISH! FISH!
What are you saying?
We had crazy amount, insane
amount of people to take care of my son.
And then we realized - why
we are doing this to ourselves?
Why are we torturing ourselves
like this, we're Indians.
We have parents.
This is now their job...
And your relationship changes
before and after you have a kid...
Before we had a kid my wife and me,
we used to look at both
our sets of parents and be like
"Yo! Wassup parents?"
"We are an independent couple."
"Aite, my nigga."
"This is my house bitch."
"This is my house."
"You stay away from
my house motherfucker."
The second we had a kid
"Relationships also get changed."
"They get tied into new cloth."
I learnt that whole song.
Just for that shitty joke.
I won't tell you the
whole one because it ends with
Smriti Irani becoming Education Minister.
And that's not a
happy ending for anyone.
But that's the best
part about having a kid...
the best part about having
kids is the grandparents.
Grandparents love that kid, man.
And, you should, if you...
Are there any married people?
Anyone?
You guys are married? I like
how there's already a girl between you.
Oh so you are separately married?
Oh OK wait.
There are two couples
and only one from each couple
admitted to their marriage.
You both are married and are
you planning to have kids anytime?
This is damn funny man. She's
looking at him, he's looking at her.
He's like,
"We can definitely have sex but..."
But you should have
a kid and I'll tell you why.
It's primarily for your parents.
Dude, grandparents you have a kid and...
Here's what happens,
Especially when your parents retire that's
when the grandchild is most important.
My parents they retired recently,
they don't know what
to do with themselves.
My dad is at any wedding.
Anyone calls him.
"The watchman's Uncle's
dog's brother's..."
My dad is there, like anywhere.
You know when sometimes you go
to an Indian wedding and you're like...
"Who's that uncle?"
That's my dad. My dad is there.
You have a kid,
my parents love my son...
He can do no wrong in their eyes.
My son could do anything.
Like my son could set the house on fire,
they'll be like,
"Aww... he's so cute."
"When he plays with fire, right?"
"Oh my God."
"He has an AK-47?"
"So cute!"
"He joined ISIS?"
"Oh lelele, our Baghdadi."
They don't give a shit.
Don't give a fuck.
And, look on an emotional thing...
My son's favourite person
on the earth is my dad.
He loves my dad.
And my dad has a very bad back...
Despite that my dad
keeps carrying my son everywhere.
The joy that he feels carrying my son
completely defeats the pain in his back.
It's like beautiful.
It's amazing!
My son is the world's
tiniest Physiotherapist.
It's awesome.
And look here's what happens,
when you have a kid is when you realise
The importance of
your parents in your life...
It took me a long time, I became a dad.
You're never prepared for it.
It's like an entrance exam for medical.
It's like...
You're never ready.
You land up there like "What is this?"
And the government is like...
we changed the date...
Which doctors also
do for child delivery.
My son is NEET!
You're always miscast, man.
You start realising that your parents,
the importance that they had in your lives.
All parents in some shape
or form are your heroes.
It took me time to realise
that my dad is my hero
And this happens with a lot of parents.
They have a yin and yang thing.
They represent two sides of the coin.
My mom is about investments
and brokerage and FD's.
And my dad is like
"Do they serve alcohol
in this restaurant?"
Two different opinions in the world...
Does this happen to you guys?
Are your parents your heroes?
What's the most heroic thing
your parents have done for you?
You're planning to go to U.S.?
After 12th? What are you planning to do?
Engineering? Good stuff.
Your dad was very supportive of...
you becoming an engineer?
What?
An Indian parent who wants
their child to become an engineer?
When you become a father the problem is...
I realised I have to be more responsible.
Because fathers can
never disappoint their sons
Sons can disappoint their fathers,
that's fine!
Abhishek Bachchan - Amitabh.
Absolutely OK.
Rajeev Gandhi - Rahul Gandhi.
Absolutely fine.
Siddharth Mallya - Vijay Mallya.
I don't know who's disappointing whom.
It's stuck somewhere.
But similar to the career thing.
Parents are heroic in bizarre ways.
I've been doing this for a long time,
this crap that I do with my life.
And from the time when
I was 23 till the time I was 28
I earned such little money...
that I didn't have to pay tax.
That's when you know
you're doing badly...
When even the government is like,
"You let it be."
"We'll handle it."
And my parents throughout
this thing were very supportive, man.
They were go out there
and live your life...
The main reason is
my sister is a genius.
My sister's all out there
and winning scholarships and all.
And they are like,
"This bald fucker!"
"Mr. Gupta - must be your son only."
They never put pressure
on me with regards to career.
Lot of Indian parents they
put too much pressure on their kids
with regards to careers.
Like for a lot of Indian
parents they think like
will my child be a Doctor, an Engineer...
or adopted?
It's a very pertinent thing.
A lot of parents are very gung-ho
about putting their kids in Engineering.
Let's take a little bit of survey -
How many engineers here?
This whole room, my God...
First of all I don't want
to make fun of engineers, okay?
Because life is doing that to you.
I don't want to do it.
But a lot of parents
put so much pressure
I don't understand when
do people realise, like
when a baby is 4 days old in...
When do they realise?
"Mother..."
Babies are so annoying
in a theatre, right?
Who's calling?
Your dad's saying
"It's cancelled,
you'll not become an engineer."
"Go to Bangladesh, bro!"
No, man.
But, like parents
put this pressure, right?
And I don't understand
like when you're a baby,
at what stage, like a
4 day old baby...
What aptitude has that baby
shown to become an Engineer?
"Yeah, when he drinks milk, no?"
"From right side is 10 ML."
"Left side is 10ML."
"Chemical Engineer."
Like what the fuck
are you talking about?
And so much pressure man.
Look here's what happens.
We do a lot of shows in
a lot of engineering colleges.
And, I was at one of them,
I won't name it...
I did this show in the morning
and I was staying on the campus at night
and I was just roaming around
the campus at around 11:30
because I'm sad and lonely.
And there's a crazy amount
of commotion for 11:30 PM.
There was this dude on
a cycle just like riding by
and I stopped him.
He's like, "Bro, great show man."
I said, "Thanks bro, whatever."
I'm like,
"Why is there so much commotion?"
"Nothing man."
"Somebody committed suicide."
"Do you want hash?"
That dissemination of information
deserves a lot to be required.
Yes! But...
Let's solve the question first...
No, but.
Crazy amount of frustration
and it comes out even in like ragging
I'm not condoning ragging at all.
It's a disgusting thing.
But it comes out, the desperation
comes out in such bizarre ways.
I went to one college they were like
"When a new student enters,
we make him a Firefly!"
Firefly!!
I am like what are you talking about?
So apparently the way this
works is when a fresher comes in
they basically wait for the dark.
And they make the fresher
pull down their pants.
And, then they take an incense stick...
And the wooden part,
they stick it in the butt...
And then they go to
the top of the terrace
and look down and say, "See Firefly!"
This is the shittiest National Geographic
programming...
I have ever seen.
And honestly again if you are in an...
engineering college,
the incense stick is...
Like I love Engineers man.
You guys are building this nation.
One joint at a time...
It's amazing, you guys are doing it.
But let's talk about
the other career man,
the other career people are
obsessed with man people are obsessed,
Indians are obsessed
with that other career.
Doctors! Yeah!
Obsessed with the shit...
I really respect you guys man.
You guys study for 3000 years...
and then die.
So doctors man you guys are crazy man
Like so much pressure
put on people to become doctor.
I had a friend of mine she
was forced to become dentist...
Almost a doctor, and...
And the reason her parents
wanted her to be a doctor
because they are like she
will get a good marriage proposal...
like what fucking stupid attitude.
And she got a marriage proposal
from a guy who was basically in the US...
Not you, someone else. And...
She got married to this guy in the US
and she reached the US and
she discovered she had to do dentistry
She studied 5 years in India.
Had to do it dentistry all over again.
Because, apparently Americans
have different teeth from us.
Like if you drill them oil comes out.
What the fuck are you talking about?
It's the same teeth.
Look I don't want to put this
kind of pressure on my son, man.
I don't want my son to be a doctor.
Or, Engineer.
Or, Lawyer. Or, whatever.
I want my son to be happy.
That is all.
I want my son to be happy...
That's it.
I want my son to be happy.
Being a doctor or an engineer.
Classic turn around, right?
Initially you were like
What a thought...
Bastard.
But look man like education
is a big part of this whole thing man.
Education is a big part.
Like, as you guys have discovered
for the last 60 minutes in my company
I am a disgusting human being.
We all confirmed?
Confirmed 100% locked.
And this is the decision that
comes to me with regards to my son.
The reason I am this disgusting
person is I went to an All Boys' School.
It makes you like this...
How many boys went to All Boys' School?
Where did you study?
Sorry?
St Pious?
It's a great college name,
school name...
What about you?
It's always a convent right?
Like St. Pious, Bishops and...
Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow.
One lady just standing there like
"Aaah!"
"I feel so sad at your virginity.
Your life sucks."
And it makes you a
disgusting person, man.
You're just surrounded for 10 years
you are just in a room full of boys.
Makes you such a disgusting person.
You come out.
You don't know how
to talk to women at all!
You don't know what to do.
No women like when I came out
I didn't know how to talk to woman.
No woman wants to talk to me I was like
"He he! Boobs!"
It screws you up, man. It screws you up.
It makes you like you become
so disgusting as a person man.
I feel like I felt so bad for any ladies
who were teaching in my school man.
Like we had one teacher
and she was very cute.
And, by that I mean she was under 55...
And the most exciting
thing about her was that
she used to wear skirts.
And this was amazing for us.
And she never taught my class ever.
And then one day she came
to my class as a substitute teacher.
And she gave us a free period.
And, she sat down on the chair...
The number of erasers...
That fell on the floor!
People will be like eraser...
People are like starting
rubber plantation.
Eraser...
It's disgusting...
I felt so bad.
There was another teacher
there was a friend of mine Rishi, OK?
And Rishi was an average
student at best, OK?
Then one lady was
teaching us in class once.
And, Rishi was paying
a lot of attention...
Like crazy amount of attention.
So at the end of the
class I asked him like
"Dude why were you paying
so much of attention?"
He is like "Hey I am a good student."
I am like Fuck Off.
Tell me the real reason.
He is like "Bro!
What happens man is damn crazy man."
"You know what happens you know if you
are sitting like parallel to her right."
"At an 83 degree angle."
"At 12 o'clock you know
when the ultraviolet rays."
"When they hit the
sun the window pane right?"
"There is refraction and
because of the refraction, no?"
"You can see her bra!"
So much knowledge just to see a bra!
And Rishi is by the way one of
the biggest doctors in Mumbai right now!
I like to think this inspired
him he is like, "Science sucks."
I can see bra because of refraction.
I love SCIENCE!
So stupid.
But it makes you a disgusting person.
It really genuinely does man.
Like I thought I was
a disgusting human being like
going in a boys school all along.
Then I'm like never
going to find a woman...
Then I met my wife who
went to an All Girls' school.
Which is a different level...
Not only that,
my wife went to an All Girls' hostel.
That is double the frustration.
And she used to keep
telling me stories like
"You know what used to happen."
"When we used to hit our puberty,
no?"
"Our boobs used to come out."
"And, we used to keep
punching each other's boobs."
"And we used to find this really funny."
I am like your joke...
is our porn!
So I have decided that my
son is going to an All Girls' hostel.
He is going to be Vijender Singh.
Oh but not only that my school
and all is like next level thing right?
My son is as I mentioned
is 19 months at moment.
And when my son was like 17 months
we had to put him in a Play School.
My wife is like, "Shit yaar
we missed the deadline it's crazy."
"People apply when they are 18 months."
"Some apply when they are 12 months."
"Some apply when
they are pregnant only."
I am like call up doctor
when you are having sex only, no?
Start off there.
Like, "Yes. Hello doctor what's
going on? How are you doctor?"
"No, no we were making a baby!"
"No, no it's Doggy
Style - 100 % confirmed."
But look here what's happens
man here's what happens like...
The show has been disgusting.
Let's take the next level of filth.
I want to talk for a second
about breastfeeding, OK?
And it's not a disgusting thing right?
It's a bizarre thing as a
husband to get used to this stuff.
It's really bizarre...
Because again
it's like watching something
which you had so much fun with...
Just...
Turn into something for utility.
Like it's like watching Pornhub...
It is damn weird.
And as a man you have no
contribution to this whole thing.
The whole process
you have nothing to do.
The only thing men do
with this breastfeeding is...
we burp the baby.
If you don't know...
You just take it like and,
"Yes burp now! Take this!"
I am great father...
That's the job and
breastfeeding by the way.
I checked up online apparently
that men can also lactate.
Check this up on Google.
Men can also lactate.
If you squeeze the nipples long enough.
No!
And by the way with that logic:
ANYTHING could lactate,
if you squeeze it long enough...
That's how soya milk is made...
You just go...
Take this milk.
It's like fucking crazy.
So breastfeeding is a bizarre thing.
And, lot of cultures accept
breastfeeding wholeheartedly.
Lot of cultures do it.
Like even here like Nepal,
Bhutan, Africa all over the place...
You are very excited.
Bhutan is nearby...
"Hello, Makemytrip?"
"Prepare my breastfeeding package fast."
I don't know why you are
calling them up but whatever...
I was in one country
where they also have a...
They also have a... they are very
open about this breastfeeding thing.
I was in a place called Zambia,
which is in Africa.
And great fun we
were having we were in a...
I was with my friend Ngoma.
Who's like a superb guy
he is like wonderful.
First of all his name
is kickass he is like,
"I have Ngoma."
What a great funky name
and we were on a boat party
or whatever it was a hippo.
And we are having a good time.
And everyone is drinking and
dancing and we are having great fun.
It's all fucking awesome and
shit and it's great and suddenly...
In the middle of this whole
thing Ngoma's wife she just goes
and sits down on a chair.
And she just whips out
a baby from I don't know where...
Like that's the one
Angelina left behind.
I don't understand!
And she whips out one of her...
And, it's as big as the baby.
Like the baby is
looking like what the...
I am not the Manjhi the Mountain Man.
And then suddenly she
whips out another baby.
I don't know from where these
babies are coming from.
Whips out another baby
and then whips out one of her...
Continents... and...
She does something
I have like it was amazing.
I am not looking this
from dirty filthy perspective.
It's like amazing
beautiful thing to watch...
Because she started to feed
both the babies, simultaneously.
It was amazing.
It was like watching
her ride a Royal Enfield.
And I am watching this amazed.
Not out of any filthiness.
Not like, "Oh ho Black Watermelons."
I am watching this genuinely fascinated
because this is a beautiful
thing to watch.
The problem is again,
I am a North Indian.
Even when we are trying
to look innocent we look like...
And I'm doing this
and I suddenly see Ngoma
looking at me looking at his wife.
And I'm like fuck!
He's gonna kick my ass...
Ngoma walks to me like, "Hey man..."
"She got some big ones, right?"
That's insane. And he is black, dude.
If he wanted he didn't even
need a weapon to kick my ass.
He just come with like just like!
After that joke I
can't have any babies...
I got to admit that's the
only reason I have a Mike Stand.
It's only there for me to
have a giant black penis.
That's the only purpose of it.
Ah but let's talk if you are dirty enough
let's talk about something filthier...
Let's talk about sex,
sex after having a baby is crazy, right?
And the problem is like for women also
like the main reason
you can't have sex is...
Because women have been
through a biological change.
And all that stuff.
Like, it's been a problem.
The problem is men are also to blame.
Because once we have a baby we are like
"My job is done!"
"I have done what not...
I have created."
Like we are done.
Like my wife during
her pregnancy put on 6 kilos
I put on 8.
Because I am a Team Player, guys.
The reason I put on weight there
was like my wife had crazy hunger pangs.
Pregnant women have
bizarre hunger pangs.
In the middle of the night she is like
I want Goat ice-cream
with a flavour of oyster below
with a Mentos on top.
Something bizarre shit.
And I get it home and my
wife would do the whole girl thing.
She is like," 5 bites, I am full."
And I will be like...
Put on a crazy amount of weight.
And, the reason I put on
weight primarily is because
I love non-veg and I love alcohol.
OK, I love non veg.
How many people are
non-vegetarians here?
Yeah, awesome.
How many people are vegetarians?
That's fine. That's OK, guys.
We don't judge.
The thing is the reverse
happens a lot, right?
Vegetarians judge
non-vegetarians a lot, right?
"Oh my God. You're eating
a living thing oh my God..."
"It's a living thing."
Dude I am eating a chicken.
Have you seen chickens?
Chickens are fuckall alright?
All are like...
A chicken is never going
to amount to anything...
A chicken is never
going to be a president.
Donald Trump is trying,
but, he is never gonna be President.
It will be Tofu, Hillary Clinton...
Don't ask why.
People are confused like what?
No but okay here... see here is the
thing people don't tell you this enough
Babies are evil, OK?
Babies are evil.
Who else thinks babies are evil?
Who all thinks babies are evil,
anyone? Anyone?
What is the most evil thing
baby has done to you so far?
Cry on a plane...
Yeah they're crying because
they have air pressure.
You piece of shit...
How dare you judge my baby?
The weird thing is: 1.5 years back
I am like babies are dickheads.
No but I get it, OK?
Babies are evil though...
Babies are evil OK.
And, the thing is they
get away with a lot of shit
because, they are cute.
They do something evil
and there are like hehe.
And we are like, "Awww."
My son is evil as fuck.
He does such evil shit.
My son and me we were on a bus...
We are not poor...
We were going to the plane...
It was a GoAir flight.
I have no money... and...
My son is sitting
next to this other baby
and these two babies are
just checking each other out like
"Whatup bro, you still
poop and shit and whatever?"
And suddenly I see my
son he looks at the other baby
takes his hand.
And puts his entire hand
into the baby's mouth...
And starts massaging
him everywhere inside.
I'm like you are not
toothpaste. What are you doing?
There is no ad which says
"Does your toothpaste have a baby?"
There is no shit like that.
Another incident:
I was applying for my son's passport...
OK. We are sitting
in the passport office.
And it was me,
my son and there was this...
very lovely Muslim lady in a hijab.
And we were generally having a...
Relax!
You're like, "Oh, he said Hijab!"
So we are sitting and I was generally having
a very fun conversation with this lady.
Like a really casual fun
friendly conversation like...
She's like oh RSS rocks.
And, Modi is my One Direction and...
And I am like
Owaisi-what a cool guy.
And Zakir Naik eh?
You know casual conversation.
No, we were actually
having a fun conversation.
And generally like laughing and shit.
And, suddenly I see my son look at me.
And look at her and then go out there
and grab her...
Silkiness.
And in my head I am like shit dude.
Do you know the country
we are living in right now?
Everything is a religious horror story.
I am imagining the news the next day...
"Molester Hindu Baby
Causes Communal Riots!"
Shit like that.
And this lady just
looks at my baby like...
"Haha he's a kid..."
"I would've chopped him,
if he were a man."
She said that as a joke... just...
Some of you are like...
"What? Did she really say that?"
And the most ultimate
story of my son being evil...
Like I play with my son all the time...
Like we have great fun playing...
And once I was alone with my son...
And we were having
a lot of fun in the house...
Right we were just playing
and I am running around like
Hahaha!
And, he is running around like
Hahaha!
And then I am lying down on
the floor and I am looking at him like
Hahaha!
And he looks at me like...
Hahahaa!
And he pukes in my mouth.
There is no level of intimacy...
Which takes it this far!
There is French kissing
where we go 'Nom nom nom'
There is no Scandinavian kissing going...
I mean who does that shit? And, wait.
You guys are disgusting...
Disgusted? This happened to me.
And this story is not over yet...
It gets worse.
This was the first day my wife and
me had started giving my son solid food.
He was 6 months at the time.
And the food that we
had started him off on was:
Bottle gourd,
Aubergine
and Avocado.
Like he had gone straight
to Mediterranean hors de vors from...
Booby milk!
It is fucking nuts.
Aubergine and bottle gourd.
Aubergine and bottle gourd are the
most disgusting veggies in the world...
They are like the KRK
and Munaf Patel of veggies.
They are disgusting!
And you know what is more disgusting
than Aubergine and bottle gourd?
The puke of Aubergine
and Bottle Gourd in your mouth!
And I realised. Hey man my
son is doing this for time pass.
He is not just doing this for Ehh...
He is trying to send out a message...
Babies are evil geniuses...
He is trying to send
out a message to me...
Hey yo, baldie - what up, bitch?
You gotta get me some good food man...
You give me some Aubergine?
I am going to puke it in your mouth.
You give me Bitter Gourd...
I will shit in your face.
He has had mutton biryani
every day since that day.
But yeah look: babies are
evil and shit but, it's fine...
Yeah, I made fun of him for
a while but I fucking love my son.
He is awesome.
I play with him all the time.
And we play all sorts
of games also all the time.
Like we have one game where...
He takes all my stuff.
He hides it.
And then he gives me back 2% of it.
It's called...
Being the Congress.
Umm...It's a good game.
There is another game where he hides.
And I can see him but
I just can't catch him...
It's called Being Lalit Modi...
it's a... it's an exciting game...
There is also another game going as
a toy train set and we set it on fire...
If you know, you know.
There is a game also which
is based on Arvind Kejriwal...
We play it every alternate day.
And whoever loses blames the BJP.
It's a great game.
No but we play all the time man...
It's...it's awesome fun.
I love playing with my son.
And the reason I play with
him is that the bond with my son.
Actually started
even before he was born.
Now I want to tell you a quick story.
So what happened was that this
time my wife was 7 months pregnant.
And my wife is like,"You know what?"
"You should talk to the
foetus inside the womb."
And I was like,
"You should see a psychiatrist."
She's like, "No, at 7 months
their ears start developing."
"So they can hear stuff.Ó
I am like,"Seriously
Dr Zaveri sits from 4 to 6."
"I can pencil you in."
And then I did it because
I am a great father.
And my wife threatened divorce. And...
And it's a bizarre thing...
What are you supposed to
say to a thing inside the stomach?
What are you supposed to say?
It's a bizarre thing...
Like what do you say?
Hey bro. What's up? How's it going?
You seen any good movies lately?
Like any way you are in an IMAX dome.
Haha!
Joke, son. Joke.
What do you say?
Then I realised something...
Dude this is an unborn entity.
He has no consciousness.
He has no idea what the
hell it means to be alive.
He has no clue...
He is not going to remember Jackshit.
So what I decided was I am just going
to start telling him in gory detail...
about how he was conceived.
And this is a true story. My wife and me...
We conceived my son in Grand Hyatt Goa.
And then when we were
trying for the 2nd child,
We tried in Leela in Delhi...
Because we only have 5-star kids.
We should just name them after
the hotel they were conceived in, right?
That's my son Hyatt.
We love him dearly.
What a lovely guy.
Our daughter, Leela.
Ah, she is so beautiful.
So intelligent.
And, that's the child we didn't want...
That's OYO rooms, yuck.
So, I am like you know what?
I am just going to tell
him all the shit about...
how he was conceived.
And, I am like.
So son, what happened, no?
Your mom and me went to Grand Hyatt Goa.
We had so much fun.
The beds were so bouncy, it was amazing.
And, we had breakfast buffet...
Such amazing sausages.
Your dad's sausages!
Joke, son. Joke!
And, I am like forget about it whatever.
Did it like 10-12 times, whatever.
From the time he was 7-9 months.
Cut to the day my son was born.
I just said... cut to
the day my son was born.
And a baby started crying.
This is cray. Whoever did that.
You are better at
choreography than Prabhu Deva...
That is amazing...
So, anyway. Cut to day my son was
born and he popped out of my wife and...
People say all this shit about
like childbirth...like childbirth...
It's a miraculous thing.
And it's a celebration of life...
And a manifestation of
humanity and souls and fucking.
It is bullshit, it is disgusting.
Childbirth is disgusting!
That kid comes out like
full of strawberry milkshake and...
They look disgusting dude.
Babies come out and you are like...
When my son came out I was like...
"Doctor sir - this one
hasn't been cooked yet."
"Put it back!"
Like it's just...
Anyway, my son came out.
My son came out and he
cried much like that baby and...
He started crying because he has been
like inside this place for like 9 months,
living rent free.
And... and the Doctor
cuts his umbilical cord.
And my son starts crying, OK?
And the doctor takes him and
puts him on this one table or whatever.
And, these 8 or 9 - all
the people involved...
They are all these medical
practitioners and they are trying to
calm this child down.
He is refusing to stop.
He is bawling his head off,
his eyes are darting all over the place,
he can't stop crying.
Nothing is working!
And, then suddenly from
across the room 10 minutes later
I look at my son and I am like...
Hey buddy. What's up?
And he just looks, stops crying...
And, he just looks like really bewildered.
And he looks at me and gives
this version of whatever the smile was.
Alright, my heart fucking exploded dude.
And I am like...
Dude he was listening all along.
And then I realised...
Fuck!
He was listening all along!
This is going to mess
him up in subconscious ways.
He can't even understand.
He will grow up to be
12 years old and I am like...
Son, let's go for a vacation.
Where do you want to go?
"Grand Hyatt Goa, you bastard."
"I heard they have great sausages!"
'My dad's!"
"Joke, son. Joke."
"Take it, you bald ass!"
And look I just wanna
give a shout out to...
Like I saw my wife go through this whole
childbirth and stuff and it's crazy man.
Like I respect women in general; but,
seeing that stuff...
The respect went up like 15 times.
This is like vaguely part of the show
but I would just want to talk about this.
I genuinely believe this.
I genuinely think that Indian
women are classier than Indian men.
How many people agree?
C'mon. Yeah?
Do we agree? Women are classier, man.
Everything you do is classier than us.
When you guys want to go get a haircut
You guys go to a stylist.
Oh, yes - a stylist.
Let's go to the stylist.
Men go to barbers.
"Give me Lalan's
phone number right now!"
And what's the difference
between a stylist and a barber?
The stylist speaks in English.
That's it!
You guys are basically
paying 4000 Rs. extra.
For subtitles.
That's all you are doing.
Of course, me going for a haircut?
I mean - c'mon like.
Soap is my shampoo.
And shampoo is Anil Kapoor's soap.
Tea-seller!
But women are nice man.
Women are nice.
Women are nice!
You guys are nice.
Except to each other.
You know what happens.
Like every that same sex group.
Like the same sex group of men or women.
Like women are way nicer
to that same sex group.
And you know tightly knit right.
And you are very supportive
of all your friends.
Like if you have a friend...
there is always one friend in that group
who is not very good-looking, right?
I know because it's me.
And, women are so supportive.
You have a friend of yours
not so good-looking like...
Honey, you are a hottie.
You are a hottie and a sizzling brownie.
Here, eat some.
Like it's like fucking great.
Men don't have that shit...
We have a friend of ours
who is ugly like, we'll be like:
"Bro, you look like an anus."
"A God damn anus!"
"Only way you are going
to get a chick is if are rich."
"That's the only chance you have."
"But, enough about Mukesh Ambani."
Let's move on.
Women believe in stuff, man.
You guys believe in stuff.
Like again: I didn't want to have a kid.
And my wife is like: just believe
it's gonna be great and it was.
It was amazing.
Like because she believed it,
I believed.
Women believe in this stuff.
Like you guys believe in like family,
you guys believe in fate.
You believe in all these
wonderful concepts and stuff.
Some of you of course take it too far.
You believe in like star signs and shit.
Which is like just
next level of insanity.
That's why you need
somebody for the first time.
Like oh my God.
Wait, one second, just one second.
You are born in September?
That is crazy ya.
That means you are probably
like a Virgo or something?
That means you're shy, gentle and kind.
Men don't have that shit man.
We meet somebody for the first time.
We are like bro.
You are born in September?
Your parents fucked in Jan.
Whoever is not laughing
just did the maths right now.
"Shee, mummy papa January nooo!"
I was born on September 14th,
so there you go.
My son was born on March 22nd because...
We wanted a tax-deductible baby.
Missed it by 9 days.
But look as in conclusion okay.
In conclusion.
I just want to answer like the
very pertinent question you know.
At the end of this kind of show...
Thank you.
My Archana Puran Singh is a baby.
Like people ask this
very pertinent question.
They are like at the end
of this puking in your mouth,
And the fucking sleepless nights.
And, all this money and shit like that.
Is it worth it having a baby?
And the answer of course is:
No.
Just pull out.
Trust me.
Just pull out and say
Sorabh told me. I'm leaving.
Just do it.
And the bizarrest thing
about having a baby.
I started the show initially
by saying that my wife is paranoid dude.
The thing is if you have
a kid you become paranoid.
You are thinking about this child.
All day and all night.
Everything about
this child consumes you.
I will be in the same house as my son.
I'll be inside.
I will be in the bedroom.
My son is outside.
And I will be having all
this big questions about my son:
Will he be a good man?
Will he achieve all his dreams?
Will he be good to women?
Will he do whatever
he wants to in his life?
And I go to the drawing room.
And I see my son looking
at a pigeon farting.
And laughing his head off!
This dude is laughing at a pigeon farting.
And you hear that laughter
and it is entirely...
If it's your kid,
that laughter is fucking amazing man.
If it's your child.
This is the child you have and it's...
The fucking most glorious thing that
you can ever hear in your life, man.
And it ties in very quickly
to even what I do even as a comedian.
I love making people laugh.
It's the thing that makes
me the happiest in the world.
And, and that's why when you
come to a show like this.
And you come to a comedian
at the end of the show,
And say that for the last
90 minutes I forgot all my worries.
That's the highest compliment
you can ever give us.
It's the nicest thing you can ever say.
And, when I come to you
at the end of the show and say:
For the last 90 minutes,
I forgot all my worries.
I just made an ass out of you!
But guys, I have been
doing this for a long time man.
I have been doing Standup
for like 8.5 years.
Done 1200 shows in 80
cities across the country.
16 countries all over the world.
And, I wanted to make people laugh.
And, very recently I realized:
That none of it matters.
Because, my baby thinks I am funny.
And, that's all that counts.
Thank you so much ladies and gentlemen.
You've been a lovely crowd, man.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot, guys.
I appreciate it!
Bye, Bye!