Son of Flubber (1963) - full transcript

Gosh. It kinda gets ya, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Well, we'd better hurry. We don't
wanna be late for our appointment.

Hope they're expecting us.

Oh, they are... This time.

All right, gentlemen,
we've all had our say,

and we all agree on this one vital point,

we are clamping a tight security lid

on Professor Brainard's
tremendous contribution.

- There's just one little thought, sir.
- It's not that we're edgy,

but we've all been through
the missile lag and the space gap.



We just don't want
a "Flubber foul-up" on our hands.

The country's needs come first, sir,

but if I could have just
a little money right now...

Oh, you'll be recompensed.

Goodness knows, the Armed Services
are never chintzy.

Now what we do, we beard
the appropriations boys in Congress.

Matter of fact, I'm putting two of my
bravest financial officers on the mission.

You understand, sir,
the money isn't for me.

Our college is in financial trouble, and...

And you're turning
everything over to them.

Professor, you are a fine, unselfish man.

It's a privilege to know you.

But just relax. No sweat.
The money is as good as in your hands.

Rendezvous, 14:00 hours,
at Area 12, sir. The car is waiting.



Gentlemen, we've had
a change of signals.

Schedule four is going in.
Time and area as briefed.

Well, Professor, I don't think we need
to take up any more of your time.

We'll explore the entire situation,
pro and con,

set a figure and then lay out
our grand strategy.

And then, one fine morning,
we'll hit the beach on Capitol Hill.

Those money watchers'll
go down like nine pins.

But isn't that all going to take time?

Certainly. We have
to stockpile statistics, build up pressure,

deploy our firepower
so we hit them from all directions.

After all, we don't fight Congress
with cap pistols, do we?

Well, no, I don't suppose we do.

Don't let
those double-breasted suits fool you.

Those boys are tough.

Well, the thing is,
we don't need all the money now.

Professor, I don't think you realize how
important this discovery of yours is.

It's big. We've gotta handle it big.
Everything about it.

If you settle for chicken feed now,
it's going to be a chicken-feed operation.

Everyone is going to lose face.

Everything is going to fall apart
all the way down the line,

and the free world loses another battle.
Is that what you want?

No, I wouldn't want that, sir.

Remember, you're in Washington. Stop
trying to be reasonable about money

or you're going to bollix up
the whole thing.

- Well, I wouldn't wanna do that.
- Good.

Gentlemen, it is now 13:40 hours.
Let's move out.

You'd think those people
at the Pentagon

could at least have given us a couple
of $100,000 out of petty cash.

What's gonna happen, Professor?

Everybody expects us
to come home loaded with loot.

Yeah.

- Ducks at 12:00, sir.
- Oh, roger.

I can just see Alonzo Hawk licking
his chops right now.

He's been dying for a chance to move in
and tear the school down.

I'm sorry, Biff.
Sometimes I forget he's your father.

Oh, that's okay. I gotta face it.

Pop's the biggest loan shark in the state,
and he's proud of it.

Let's just say your father is
a very shrewd businessman.

Shrewd?

The only time my pop ever got the worst
of a bargain was when he got me.

I just didn't turn out the way
he wanted me to at all.

I don't know what we're gonna tell
the Board of Regents

and President Daggett.

This is going to break his heart.

Our new hall of science.
Isn't it magnificent, gentlemen?

And all this is possible
thanks to Professor Brainard.

Medfield College has,
I believe the saying goes,

finally come into the chips.

Why don't you just change
the name of the place

to Brainard College
and have done with it?

A splendid idea, Mr. Hawk,

though I realize it was
offered in a spirit of irony.

I discussed the matter
with Professor Brainard.

With characteristic modesty,
he wouldn't hear of it.

However, he did consent to let us call
our new science building Flubber Hall.

Now, to implement
our physical acquisitions,

we must search
for gifted young instructors.

You mean more Ned Brainards?

We'll be up to our hips in crackpots.
This town won't be safe to live in.

I'm afraid we don't agree
with you, Mr. Hawk. Do we, gentlemen?

No.

Aren't you all getting
a little high and mighty?

When you couldn't meet my loan,
you danced pretty lively when I talked.

Fortunately, a form of Terpsichore
we no longer have to endure, Mr. Hawk.

Professor Brainard is here.

Oh, splendid.
Ask him to come in, please.

Gentlemen, would you be
good enough to rise?

When Professor Brainard comes
in that door,

Medfield College will embark
upon its golden age.

Thank you, gentlemen,
but I wish you wouldn't do that.

I mean you really shouldn't.

Nonsense, Professor Brainard.

Just a spontaneous little
of our personal esteem.

I mean you, uh...
Well, you really shouldn't.

- Nothing wrong, I trust?
- Well, not exactly. It's just...

Well, things aren't quite as
simple as I hoped they'd be.

So, they gave you
the ole dipsy-doodle, huh?

They really sandbagged you.

They hung your hide up
on the barn door to dry.

Professor Brainard, am I to assume that
something has gone amiss?

Well...

But I thought they were
delighted with your discovery.

Oh, they are.
It's just that...

Well, it's a little hard to explain.

May I?

Allow me to boil it down
for you gentlemen,

and you be sure to tell me
if I get it straight?

Number one, the boys in Washington
latched on to your little discovery,

so you can't sell it anywhere else.

Number two, they're not about to give
you any money until they think it over.

Number three,

meantime, you've got no money.

How am I doin'?

Number four,

somebody better lay 350,000 clams
on the barrelhead,

first of the month by 9:00 am.

to pay off the short-term loan
made to this college

by the Auld Lang Syne
Insurance and Loan Company,

or else exactly at 9:03
a fleet of bulldozers

owned by the Auld Lang Syne
Demolition and Wrecking Company

will start rolling through
those hallowed gates

and start flattening
these ivy-covered walls in all directions.

Period..

End of story.

Very sad.

But, uh,

personally, I'm crazy about it.

I can't believe you'd do a thing like that,
Mr. Hawk.

Oh, you can't?

Well, boys, it looks like
I'm calling the tune again.

Anybody care to dance?

I know how badly
you must feel, President Daggett,

but things aren't
as bad as they seem.

I have this exciting new project
I'm working on...

Excuse me.

Mr. Hawk, I know we all want to give
full attention to your point of view.

I'm sure we can resolve

any minor differences
that happen to exist at the moment.

Wanna bet?

Mr. Hawk, we know
the welfare of Medfield College

is very close to your heart.

As a civic leader...

Pearls!

Oh, I just love pearls.
How did you know?

I make it my business
to know, Mrs. Brainard.

And now, little something
to keep the chill off.

Oh!

Oh, you mustn't.
You really mustn't.

Oh!

Well, you don't think
it's a little bit too fussy, do you?

Like you've been wearing it
all your life, Mrs. Brainard.

To the manor born.

And here, the finishing touch.

How chic!

I knew you'd like them, Mrs. Brainard.
You look like a queen,

a regular queen.

- An empress.
- A goddess.

I do, don't I?

This, as you can see,
is a check for one million dollars

made out to
the Professor and yourself.

One million dollars!
Oh, but, Mr. Hurley, whatever for?

For a kind word, Mrs. Brainard.
Only a kind word.

You know, in a business deal,
the right word from the little woman...

I'm a great believer
in the power of a woman.

- How true.
- You really got something, Mr. Hurley.

Well, I don't know what Ned's
going to say about all this.

For a space-age scientist,
he's a little bit old-fa...

Yoo-hoo, Ned. Guess who?

Betsy!

Professor Brainard, my name is Hurley.

I've spoken to you on the phone,
from New York.

- What I'd like to do...
- Betsy, what is all this

the dogs and that coat?
Please take it off.

We can't afford that.

Now why don't we let
the little lady enjoy herself?

Professor, I'd like to talk
some business with you.

I hope you won't think
I'm presumptuous going ahead like this.

Mr. Hurley is a live wire.

He likes to act
while other people are still talking.

Just a minute.
Who are all these people around here?

All part of your company,
Flubber Enterprises.

"Flubber Enterprises?"

Just a cozy little company
we're putting together,

you and I, to make things
out of Flubber.

Professor, when you invented this stuff,
I don't think you dreamed what you had.

It'll touch the lives of every man, woman
and child in the world.

Just like Edison and the electric light.

Now wait, I hardly consider myself in
the same class with Mr. Edison.

Don't be so modest, Professor.

That's your trouble.
That's where I come in.

Now, I've worked up a few product sells
here just to give you an idea.

"Flubbermint gum,
it chews while you snooze."

"Flubberin, bounces away pain
again and again."

"Flub away the flab with
the scientific Flubbercycle."

"You'll wonder where your dentist went

"when you brush your teeth with
Flubberdent with Hexoflubberene."

And now I've had our agency boys
work up a little TV campaign.

Show people what
Flubber can do for them.

Hit them where they live.

They'll wonder
how they got along without it.

Now I don't want you to get
the feeling that we're rushing you.

But the thing is...

- Howie, roll the film.
- Guess what this is?

A million dollars!

- Quiet, Professor.
- But, Betsy...

Hi there. Rex Williams here.

You know, my friends, down
through the corridors of time,

as mankind has emerged
from the Dark Ages,

toiling, ever striving upward,
there have been turning points,

inspirational milestones, and we
remember the great names of science.

Newton and the law of gravity.

Watt and the steam engine.

Edison and the electric light.

And, my friends,

Brainard and Flubber.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

Flubber.

For it was not too long ago,
in a small American city,

that the discovery of Flubber
burst upon a waiting world.

That was the beginning.

From those first crude
basketball shoes came more shoes,

shoes for people in every walk of life.

But it was not to stop there.

True, now man had lifted
himself up by his own boot straps.

He could walk with his head
above the crowd.

But this was only the springboard,

not only to a vast new line of products,

but to a happier, safer way of life.

Friends,
is your home a booby trap

just waiting to snare you the
moment you set foot in it?

I'm home, dear.

Is your kitchen a savage jungle
teeming with perils and pitfalls?

Dear, where's the first-aid kit!

Stop clowning, George.
You'll frighten the baby!

In short, is your family accident prone?

Then, friends, the time has
come to flubberize your home.

Transform it from a booby trap
into a love nest.

Make it safe for you
and your loved ones.

Yes, flubberize your home
with hazard-free flubberoleum floors.

Flubberoleum, in 16
beautiful decorator colors.

The foamiest, friendliest floor that ever
fondled your family's feet.

I'm home, darling.

Hi.

- Darling!
- Sweetheart!

- Oh!
- I got him! Whee!

Yes, folks, you'd coo too...

If you belonged
to this happy Flubber family,

the family who can say proudly...

They live in the house
with the flubberoleum floors.

That's just the start.

There are hundreds of products
we haven't even thought of yet.

I'm very impressed, Mr. Hurley, but...

Fine. Now if you'll just
sign this letter of agreement.

That million-dollar check
is the evidence of our good faith.

Well, there's just one little hitch.
I have a prior commitment.

A prior commitment? With who?

The government.

- Our government?
- That's right.

You just said the magic word.

All right, boys, pack up the gear.
Let's get out of here. The party's over.

I can't tell you how badly
I feel, Mr. Hurley.

I do have another idea you might be...

- Forget it.
- You've hurt Mr. Hurley very deeply.

- Oh! Oh!
- He is terribly disappointed in you, sir.

- Now just a minute. This is my dress.
- Oh! I beg your pardon.

If you'd just let me show you some of
the plans I have in my lab...

- Mrs. Brainard, the check, please.
- Oh, please.

Do I have to give this back?

If you don't mind.

- No.
- Betsy, give Mr. Hurley back his check.

I won't!

Betsy!

This isn't like you.
Now give him his check.

- No!
- Betsy, give me that check.

Betsy.

Give it to me.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

I just lost my head for a moment.

But when you've been fighting
with the grocer all month

and you find a million dollars
in your hand...

I suppose this half isn't any good?

Oh, very nice. Beautiful quality.

- Professor Brainard?
- Yes?

How do you do? My name is Harker.
I'm from Washington.

From Washington?

Well, am I glad to see you.
Come right in.

Thank you.

Darling, wonderful news.

This is Mr. Harker.
He's here from Washington already.

How perfectly marvelous.
How do you do?

How do you do?
It's very nice to know you, Mrs. Brainard.

May I take your hat and coat,
Mr. Harker?

Oh. Thank you.

You and your discovery have certainly
created quite a stir

down in our nation's capital.

- And you've come about the payments?
- You betcha.

You're quite a prize, you know.

The boys in my department drew
straws to see who'd get ya.

- I'm happy to say I won.
- Well, thank you.

Now the thing is, Mr. Harker,

we want most of this money
to go to Medfield College.

Oh, but first, of course, we'd like
to pinch off just a tiny bit for ourselves.

Just enough to take care
of the household bills

that have been stacking up for months.

- All right, dear?
- Whatever you say, darling.

I'm afraid you folks don't understand.

I'm from the Internal Revenue Service.

Well, if there's one thing we could use
around here, it's a little revenue.

Yes, we certainly...

Internal revenue?

Your tax bill for the first three quarters
of the current year.

The figure includes delinquent penalties
of $12,895 at five percent

for the first two quarters.

All based on an estimate of
projected earnings, of course.

$656,000?

Oh, I realize that the estimate is low,

considering the staggering
potential of Flubber.

But Uncle Sam is willing
to be understanding

until you get
your financial house in order.

But, Mr. Harker,
we don't have 656 cents.

You don't say?

Let me explain, Mr. Harker.

You see, I turned my discovery
over to those people at the Pentagon.

Now they put a top-secret
classification on it.

I'm not even supposed
to talk to anybody about it.

Yes. I know those boys
at the Pentagon.

I used to review some of the General's
personal tax returns. A million laughs.

Well, then you do understand.

Certainly.

Excuse me.

Now if you'll just give me a check for
the amount on this paper here, please.

But how can I pay you
if nobody pays me?

Well, I regret to say, Professor,
that's your problem.

We've been counting on you.
We trusted you.

Uncle Sam needs the money.

You don't build those rockets to
the moon with green stamps, you know.

Excuse me, dear.
Joey's here to collect for the paper.

- Do you have half a dollar?
- I don't think so.

Now you estimated your income
for the current year at a million dollars.

Is this true?

Well, that was just a wild guess,
Mr. Harker.

We thought the money was going
to come rolling in

from all directions, millions!

We wouldn't be able to count it all.
There's ten cents.

There's another dime. That's twenty.
We'll have to owe him the rest.

He wants his money.

But you did make this estimate
based on

this tidal wave of money
that you speak about.

That's right. There's another dime.
That's all I've got.

There's not another cent
in the whole house.

You see, essentially, Professor,
we have a trusting nature.

When a taxpayer makes an estimate,

we believe him,
we're happy for him.

We're rooting for him all the way.

Well, that's very kind of you, Mr. Harker.

Oh, Ned, I cleaned all
the loose change out of there.

Oh. Well, we should
have company over more often.

But Uncle Sam has to run
his store on current income

just like everyone else.

When the money he's
counting on doesn't come in,

he's very sad.

Now, in this case, the sadness
is represented by

a delinquent penalty of $12,895.

I found another dime.
We're still a dime light.

Then I'll just have to go
and talk to him.

Uh, Professor...

May I?

Thank you, Mr. Harker.

Thank you.

Now, in addition
to the six percent penalty,

in the case of willful failure
to pay your estimated tax,

there's a $10,000 fine...

Or imprisonment.

Thank you, Mrs. Brainard.
I'll give you your receipt.

Professor, what is, uh,
the little lad's name?

Uh, Joey Marriano.

And how many customers
would you say he has on his route?

- Oh, I'd say around 30.
- Wait a minute.

What are you doing with that
information about little Joey?

Uh, just a reminder to myself
to put a spot-check on the lad.

A small thing, you might say,

but you'd be surprised how much
unreported income turns up this way.

But Joey's only seven years old.

You wouldn't take money from a child.

You know, Professor,

your wife has a
refreshing sense of humor.

We don't run into it often
in our line of work, and that's a fact.

You ought to be ashamed.

Ah-ah-ah-ah. Sticks and stones, etc.

We do our part to keep the wheels
of democracy rolling.

Warriors unsung,
unknown, misunderstood.

If need be, I imagine you'd
put your own mother in jail.

Funny you should mention that
about Mom.

A little matter of some unreported
income from jams and jellies.

We nailed her dead to rights.

Well, I won't bore you with shop talk.

Uh, one last little
parting thought, Professor.

Should Uncle Sam really want
to throw the book at you,

we have some lovely punitive
laws under section 7203,

and section 6653, paragraph b,
is a real Jim-Dandy.

Good day, sir, and a pleasant day
to you, Mrs. Brainard.

Oh, Ned.

I forgot to kiss you
when I came home.

I missed you.

I missed you, too.

You know all I could think about

while I was there in Washington?

What?

I just couldn't help feeling
sorry for all those people.

They have their problems,
too, you know.

Now, you take that income tax man.

Ned Brainard, don't you dare,

dare try to straighten out
the government.

We have our own troubles, right here.

Sweetheart, I was only thinking
about the welfare of our country.

Well, this is part of the country, isn't it?

This house is
on United States territory.

We're citizens.

Now look, I don't want
to appear selfish, but just once,

can't we think about ourselves?

Betsy, I don't blame you
for feeling the way you do,

but please believe me,
everything's going to work out all right.

But, Ned!

Now sit down, and hold your
breath.

I have something of
great importance to tell you.

Oh?

I wasn't going to tell you
till I had it completely worked out,

but if I keep it to myself any longer,
I'm going to bust.

Betsy, this is going
to bowl you over.

I think I've managed
to get hold of the weather.

What does that mean, you
"got hold of the weather"?

What it means, Mrs. Brainard,
is that flubber was only the key

that unlocked a great storehouse
of cosmic forces.

Out in that humble garage,
from the residue of flubber,

I found a gas.

I call it "flubber gas," and I have reason
to believe that with this flubber gas,

I can activate a change
in the molecular balance

of the atmosphere.

It could even trigger off the energies

which give us rain, snow, sleet,

electrical storms, blue skies,
sunshine,

whatever, wherever we choose.

Do you realize
what that would mean, Betsy?

It would mean that,
for the first time,

weather would become
the slave of man,

rather than his master.

It could change
the future of the whole world,

the history of mankind itself.

That's very nice, dear.

Very nice?
Betsy, this is the greatest...

Ned, why do you always have to
do something so world-shattering?

Can't it be something modest

that would bring
just a few dollars into this house?

Like goop that would keep
fingernails from breaking?

Or trash can lids that would actually
fit the top of trash cans!

Trash cans?

Or some little machine
that pays the grocer

and the dry cleaner
at the end of every month.

I'd say I could use
a little machine like that right now!

Betsy, please be serious.

Do you realize what a wonderful age
we are living in today?

Anything can happen.
Anything!

Forty years ago,
even thirty years ago,

if! said I'd found a
way to control weather,

no one would've listened,

but today,
do you know what they'd say?

I know what I would say.

I'd say I think the first impression that
I ever had of you was right.

What was that?

I thought you were nuts!

Look. We've got this big
football game with Rutland

- next Saturday, right?
- Right.

And they're practically
national champs, right?

- Right.
- Suppose we beat Rutland on Saturday.

Even my own father
couldn't close a college

that had just clobbered
the national champs, could he?

Ah, Biff,
how can we beat Rutland?

Our team is hardly
strong enough

to get itself dressed in the morning.

What do you think the suit is for?

Science in action, boy.

I haven't been hangin'
around professor Brainard

all semester just for kicks, you know.

What's this thing supposed to do?

Knute Rockne put
new ideas into football.

Pop Warner put new ideas
into football.

And now, Alonzo Hawk Jr.
is gonna do his part.

- How does that feel?
- Hi, Biff.

Oh, hi, Prof.

Good. You've got the flubber
gas all hooked up, huh?

Just like you asked me to, sir.
Oh, by the way, Professor,

I'd like you
to meet my assistant.

This is Humphrey Hacker.

Oh. Glad to know ya, Humphrey.

- Hi there.
- He wants to become a scientist.

Oh, not exactly.

What I'm really interested in
is animal husbandry.

Oh, Humph, I wouldn't let you
throw your life on a bunch of cows.

Sir, science needs brilliant
young minds like Humphrey.

Besides, I needed a volunteer.

Volunteer? For what?

Sir, I hope you won't mind,

but I'd like very much to
borrow a little flubber gas.

You see, we've got
this football suit here, that...

Oh, so that's what it is.

Yes, sir.
Humphrey, come on, demonstrate.

When we get the flubber gas,
it would come through feed tube A

and inflate
shoulder pad B.

Then it would come through
feed tube C

and inflate shoulder pad D
and then the leg pads, and so forth.

There's only thing, Biff.

Flubber gas is extremely violent,
exceptionally powerful.

I don't know how much protection
those pads are going to give you.

Protection, sir? Oh, we're not
thinking about protection.

We're thinking about
offensive power!

Well, look. Just imagine, sir.
The teams line up. The ball is snapped.

I take the ball, and I slam it into
Humphrey's stomach.

- Bam!
- Oof!

Now a whole wave
of those big Rutland gorillas

comes pouring in to smash him.

Fearlessly, Humphrey
lowers his head

and he charges right into 'em.

The flubber gas reacts...
Zam!

Wham! Kersplunch!

Rutland linemen fall like
ten pins in every direction!

Humphrey staggers,
but he keeps running.

The Rutland secondary
comes in just to smash him!

Boom! Pow!
Pow!

Like water off a duck's back,
they bounce.

Humphrey staggers,
but he keeps on running,

and he's to the 30.

He's to the 20, the 10!
He's over for a touchdown!

Fans are going wild!

Yeah, Humphrey!
Yeah, Medfield! Yeah!

Yeah!

Whaddya think, sir?

Well, if first impressions
mean anything, I, uh...

I think you're slightly nuts.

- Sir?
- I'm sorry, Biff.

I was thinking of something
someone very near and dear

just said to me.

Don't let me discourage you.
You go right ahead.

Oh, thank you, sir. We'll go
on a crash program right now.

Pick it up, Humph.

We're gonna eat and sleep this thing
24 hours a day till we get it whipped.

- Let me know if I can help you.
- Thank you, sir.

Meantime, I'm on a little trash can...
I mean, crash program of my own.

Project weather gun.

Well, here goes.

First, we connect the circuit
with the weather gun.

And we fill the circuit
with flubber gas.

Then we activate the pump...

So the gas flows through
the gun at constant pressure.

Now the flubber gas is violent,
but we need even more violence,

so we stimulate it electronically.

Yeah.

Now, let's see what we've got.

Hmm. Now let's see.

You know, Biff, this stuff
is labeled "dangerous."

Oh, now, Humph boy.

Look, would I get you into a situation
unless I knew exactly what I was doing?

Yeah.

That should do it.
That should do it.

I've never seen them so worked up.

When I bombard a cloud
with a beam like this,

it just has to lead to clustering.

In turn, leading to a transfer
of particle momentum

and the inevitable consequence,
precipitation. Rain all over the place.

Now, for a cloud.

Not a cloud in the sky.

Not one single cloud.

Wouldn't ya know it?

Well, what have we here?

Range, about 30 feet.

Switch on.

Ready. Aim.

Fire.

It works!

Charlie Brainard!

Betsy. Betsy.
I did it! I did it!

- You did?
- That's right, sweetheart.

And that's only the beginning.

The next time, I'm going
to flood the whole county.

It's a result of my fooling around

with the molecular
configuration of flubber gas.

I'll get a mop and clean it up.

Oh, never mind.

Ned, I've had enough
for one day.

All I ask of you
is to get dressed for dinner.

Company will be here at seven o' clock.

Whatever you say, dear.

J‘ Though April showers may come
your way they bring the flowers J‘

Well, who's going to be here
for dinner, Betsy?

Oh, didn't I tell you, dear?

No, I don't think you did.

Who's going to be here?

Now, I don't want you to be upset.

Betsy, who's coming to dinner?

If there's one thing
I'm certain you're not,

it's narrow-minded.

Betsy, I would like to know
who's coming to dinner.

It isn't as though he were
coming all by himself.

Besides, he was such a good
sport about our getting married.

You don't mean...

I don't see one single reason

why we can't
all be good friends.

We're adults, you know, not children.

You don't for one single minute mean...

That dear, sweet, kind, thoughtful...

Double-crossing, miserable,
four-flushing snake...

Shelby Ashton!

Betsy, I think you'll agree
that I'm a very patient man.

But old flame or not,

if that no-good rat sets one grubby paw
inside this house, I'll...

Ned, if you raise one hand...

I'll get it.

Nuzzie! Oh.

Evening, Professor. Hello, Betsy dear.
It's wonderful to...

Who is that?

As soon as they unglue
themselves,

I'd like you to meet
an old friend of Ned's.

- Desiree de la Roche.
- Now wait a minute. I don't know any...

Holy cats!
It's Mary Lee Spooner!

Of course it is, Nuzzie darling.

I'll be darned.

I knew you were vague, lover,
but I didn't think you were that vague.

I'll be doggone.

Betsy, do you know who this is?

No, "Nuzzie," who is it?

It's Mary Lee Spooner.

You said that before.

Somehow or another,
I didn't get much out of it.

You must've heard me
talk about her.

Mary Lee and I
used to go together, didn't we?

It was long before I met you, Betsy.

By gosh, Mary Lee, you've changed.

What's all this
Desiree de la whatever it is?

Well, I've been married here
and there, and, uh,

I picked up a name or two
since I left Medfield.

And I've just been living
in Paris all this time.

Pans,huh?

Didn't you know that?

I didn't know that.
I wondered what happened to ya.

Gosh, we used to have the times,
didn't we, Mary Lee?

Betsy, there was one time
when Mary Lee and I...

Well, I guess
that's all water under the bridge, huh?

Why don't we go in the living room
and try to make ourselves comfortable?

Yes, let's.

Betsy, why didn't you
tell me there was a surprise for dinner?

Well, I hadn't exactly
planned it this way.

Well, uh, Desiree was back in town,
and I said to myself,

"Shelby, how about
a grand reunion?"

As the poet said,
"Is not old wine the wholesomest,

"old pippins the most toothsome?

"Old wood burns brightest,

"and old friends are surely the best."

A lovely thought.

Mmm, yes.
That's tres continental.

It's so interesting seeing
the kind of girl Ned married.

Why, you and I aren't
the same type at all.

Oh, what type would you
say I am, Desiree?

Well...

A funny thing happened
out in the lab today...

We're so different, you and I.
I'm the gay, irrepressible madcap

flitting from flower to flower,

and you're the nice,
sensible little homemaker.

N'est?ce pas?

The wonderful thing about Betsy is,
she combines beauty with brains.

- Well, I'll drink to that.
- So will I.

I think Betsy's sweet.

I think she's just as sweet
as she can be.

You know, I don't think you
realize how lucky you are.

I had to go through three marriages
before I realized

that Ned was the kind of man
I was looking for all along.

Oh, is that so?

Sometimes I get all choked up inside
thinking of it.

Imagine going all the way
to the other side of the world

when the bluebird of happiness
was here all along.

Oh, I'm sorry, Desiree.

Still, it's nice to know
I've done the right thing.

Yes.

Poor, brave child.
I wish things were going better for her.

What do you mean?

Come now, Brainard.
There's no reason to pretend with us.

Everyone knows Medfield College
is about to go down the drain.

Where does that leave you?

What's it to you?

It so happens I have just been made

Head of the English department
of Rutland College.

It's a very complex and demanding job.

I'd like to ask Betsy
to become my assistant.

That's terribly kind of you,
and very flattering.

Well, you can just forget it.

Now, let's have no foolish pride.

- I said let's forget it.
- Just a minute, Ned.

If you don't mind, I'd like
a chance to express myself.

Another thing, old man, I can
probably use my influence

to get you some instructor's job.

Don't bother to do me any favors.

Ned I didn't say I was going
to take the position. All I said was...

Betsy, no wife of mine
is going to work,

not as long as I have
a spark of life left in my body.

That is an absurdly
old-fashioned attitude.

Well that's what I like about Nuzzie.

I just adore old-fashioned men.

Could I have an onion instead
of an olive this time?

You'll find some
in the icebox.

- Excuse me.
- Oh.

You're so much better for him
than I am.

If I'd married him,
I would have just spoiled him rotten.

You shouldn't
take it this way, Brainard.

There's nothing to be
ashamed of.

After all, what are friends for?

Look, just where do you get
the idea that we're supposed to be

starving to death around here?

Okay, so the flubber deal
has stalled in Washington temporarily,

but I've got something going
on in that garage out there...

Well, it can make a man
wealthy a dozen times over.

Hold tight, Humph.
Here we go.

Biff! Biff!
Biff, help me!

Hang on, Humph.
Just a little trouble with the valve.

Please, Biff.
Get me outta here, Biff!

Biff! Come on.
Get me outta here!

I don't wish to pry,

but may I inquire what
this marvelous new discovery is?

It's a revolutionary concept
in weather control.

Weather control.

That's right. It'll effect
people all over the world.

And its commercial
possibilities are endless.

May I ask how it works?
Or is it still in the visionary stage?

It is not in the visionary stage.

I bombard the clouds
with a technique

I am not at the moment
at liberty to divulge.

Oh, I see.

Biff!

Biff!

Biff!

You bombard the clouds with people.
That is original thinking.

Biff!

Who's there?

Humphrey, are you all right?

Well, I don't know.

Who's there? Answer
or I'll blast you to ribbons.

It's all right, Mr. Hummel.
Nobody in here but us chickens.

Oh!

Dinner's ready when you are.

- Hi, Prof. How's it goin'?
- Fine. Fine.

You know, I found out
one thing yesterday.

Flubber gas has a certain
antagonizing effect on the atmosphere.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

And today I'm really going to stir it up.

I'm looking for big game today.

Like that big, fat cloud out there.

Come on, Humph.
Let's get suited up.

You're not gonna shoot me
out the garage again?

Will you stop worrying so much?

Well, why couldn't you test
the suit with a chimpanzee?

Are you kidding?
Those animals cost money.

Now, let's see.
I'd say distance about three miles.

Might be a little far, but we'll take
a crack at it anyway, hey, Charlie?

Maybe give 'em a little rain over in
Lincoln County. They need it there too.

All right.

Switch on.

Relax, Charlie.
You won't take the rap this time.

All right, here we go.

Ready. Aim.

Fire.

J‘ It isn't raining rain
you know

J‘ It's raining flubber gas J‘

Hmm. Smells like rain.
Better get my umbrella.

Nothing.

All right.
We'll pour on a little more juice.

Now...

Come on now, cloud.

Cry a little.

Maybe we're going to have
a change in the weather, dear.

Yes. The barometer's real...

Nothing, Charlie. Just nothing.

What have we got to lose?

Why don't we turn up full power
and see what happens?

Yeah. What have we got to lose?

- Well, you can't blame Betsy.
- Thank you, sir.

How would you feel having to live
in the same house with that nut?

Oh, no! No!

Well, we didn't get much rain
out of that one, did we, Charlie?

Well, here comes another one.

Oh, yes, such a lovely piece,
Mrs. Brainard.

I just don't see how you can
bring yourself to sell it.

Well, a little extra money
around the house comes in handy.

A professor's wife, you understand.

Yes, well, under the circumstances,
I think I can accommodate you.

There's 40, 60...

Broken windows?

No, I haven't seen anything
like that around here.

Just stay
on the ball out there.

Sure, Captain. Sure.

Hanson, Kelly! Somebody answer me!

Hanson! I hear water!

It's all right, Captain.
We're just gettin' the car washed.

No, no, no! We don't pay off on that!

Nobody, but nobody,
puts anything over on Alonzo P. Hawk.

Quiet back there. I'm on the phone.
Read the small print!

Hold on.

Now look. If the glass broke,
you were probably negligent.

The Auld Lang Syne does not
pay off on negligence, friend.

And that goes for all of ya!

Well, nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

You can come out now, Charlie.

Well, Charlie, maybe I was wrong.

Maybe there was nothing
to the idea after all.

It won't be the first time
we've struck out, will it?

- Hey, where do we put this stuff?
- Our test site's over here.

You know, I sure appreciate
you guys helping us out.

What are we doing here?
What's the big secret?

You'll find out soon enough.

Or maybe the cloud was just
too far away, Charlie.

Rainmakers have always
run into that same old snag.

Clouds are either too far away
or no clouds at all.

If we could just have clouds when and
where we needed them, maybe...

Wait a minute, Charlie.

I made that little teakettle cloud rain by

bombarding it with a flubber gas beam,

and disorganizing the moisture pattern.

Would it be possible to make a cloud

by working in reverse?

Naturally, it couldn't be anything
as simple as just

reversing the polarity of the gas.

Or could it?

Could it, Charlie?

Let's find out.

Now we'll reverse the polarity

and see what happens.

Oh, something's happening,
all right, Charlie.

Something's really happening.

And the n-402s don't even seem to care.

Now, let's see.

I reversed the polarity.

Now, this must have integrated
the vaporific forces

and promoted the coalescence
of the interatomic junctures.

Nuzzie?
Is that you, darling?

Desiree here. Hello? Nuzzie?

Hello, Desiree.

Poor lamb.

You sound as if you have a terrible cold.

Isn't that nice little wife
of yours taking proper care of you?

You know, overshoes
and all that sort of thing.

- What do you want, Desiree?
- Well, lover, I just wanted to be sure

you hadn't forgotten
our little get-together tomorrow.

Get...
Get-together?

Well, of course, dearest. We arranged it
when I saw you yesterday.

Oh, yes. Yesterday.

Well, tres bon, chéri.

And I'll see you around eightish?

Hugs and kisses.

Arrivederci.

Well, that puts the tin hat on it!

DP, P, plus, minus and G.

GT, DH.

Great jumping Jupiter Pluvius!
We've made our own cloud!

And it's raining! It's raining!

It's raining! Charlie, it's raining!

And it's our rain, Charlie,
made from our own cloud!

Taste it. Isn't it wonderful?

Oh, my notes.
I don't want to lose them.

Now I know how
those Texas oil fellas feel

when a gusher comes in.

Isn't it wonderful, Charlie?

Where's my pen?

It's really comin' down.

Hey, come on, Biff. What gives?
You know, this isn't the first time

we've been roped in on some
half-baked idea of yours.

You know, it wasn't my idea entirely.
The professor's in on this too.

- The prof is?
- Just as good as.

He checked the whole thing out with me.

Why didn't you say so? That's different.
'Cause if the prof says it's okay...

J‘ Raining you know it's raining J‘

Betsy!

Betsy!

Betsy! Betsy, I made a cloud,
and I made it rain.

It's bad luck to open
an umbrella in the house.

"How," you say, "did you make
this cloud, you genius you?"

And I say, "Just the way nature
herself does it,

"out of the moisture
in the air around us."

Of course, it's been going on right under
our noses for thousands of years,

but the question was,
how does she do it? Well...

Speaking of things going on
under our noses,

have you been seeing
Desiree de la Roche?

I may have bumped into her
a couple of times.

She phoned a while ago,

mentioned something about
a little get-together tomorrow night.

- Said that you'd know all about it.
- Said I'd know all about it?

Why, I haven't the... Wait a minute.
There was some talk about a party.

- I think it was for Halloween.
- Ha!

I was on my way home from class, and
she just happened to be driving by...

Women like Desiree never
happen to do anything.

What?

If I wasn't such a sweet,
innocent-minded little wife,

I'd say that woman was trying
to get her hooks into you again.

Now, Betsy, that isn't worthy of you.

Mary Lee... I mean, Desiree,
just isn't that kind of a girl.

Do me a personal favor and
stop calling that woman a girl!

Well, anyway, underneath all that
glamour and gaiety and intelligence

is really a simple, kind-hearted person.

You bet.

Betsy, I hate to say this,
but I've noticed a change in you lately.

It all seemed to start the night that
sneak Shelby Ashton

came over and here offered you that job.

I told you I didn't want that job,
but I'm beginning to change my mind.

Betsy, I'm not a fussy man, but when
that Ashton comes over here

and starts buttering you up
with that guff about "beauty plus brains".

Oh!

And as far as you're concerned,
there's not a word of truth in it, right?

I didn't say that,
but anybody that would listen to

what that pretentious
pipsqueak has to say...

Oh, Ned, let's not quarrel.

- Betsy, are you going somewhere?
- Yes, I am, Ned.

You see, I have a problem.
I love you.

If it weren't for that,
I'd know exactly what to do.

Betsy, you're not leaving!

Yes, I'm going somewhere
where I can think clearly.

- Think clearly? About what?
- About you and Desiree.

Desiree doesn't mean anything to me,
Betsy. I don't mean anything to her.

Oh, really? Well, you should've
heard her on the phone

when she thought
she was talking to you.

Everything was "darling," "sweetie,"
"lover," "chéri," "hugs and kisses"!

But, Betsy, that's just her way.
She's a very outgoing personality.

Well, say good-bye to another
outgoing personality.

Betsy, you're not leaving this house!

Ned, I'm going to the Daggetts'
for a few days.

Betsy.

I don't know when and if I'll be back.
I just have to think calmly and logically.

Betsy, you can't go anyplace.
What did you do to our car?

I didn't do anything to it.
And don't change the subject.

I'm going to the Daggetts'.

Please, Betsy, can't we reason this out?

No, because a strange thing
has happened to me.

Desiree de la Roche may or may not be
the sweetest girl in the world,

but I'll tell you one thing,

every time I hear her name I get
awfully, awfully, awfully, awfully angry.

But, Betsy, you're not
being very logical about this.

Hey, what I don't get is,
how come no pads behind Humphrey?

Humph doesn't need 'em.
He'll come smashing into you,

you guys'll go bouncing back,

and ol' Humph is gonna keep
right on goin', right, Humph?

- I guess so.
- Okay, Humph, it's your neck.

Ready, you guys?

Ready, humph? One, two, hike!

Oof!

Who's in there?
Answer or I'll blast ya!

That's it. I've had it. I quit.

Look, after all you've been through,
you're not gonna turn chicken.

I already did.

You'd better answer it, Mrs. Daggett.

That poor man has phoned a half-dozen
times today. I'm tired of stalling him.

What's the matter? Afraid to talk to him?

Why doesn't somebody pick up
that phone? Or is it contaminated?

And would you come in and help me
with my hair, if you don't mind?

Ja?

Is this the, uh, Daggett residence?

- Ja.
- Well, who's this?

This Hulda Christoffsen.

I think. New maid, by golly.

Oh. Well, Hulda,

may I speak to Mrs. Brainard, please?
It's very important.

Miss Betsy not here.

She been sittin' around
all day cryin' like heart would break.

She been gone out tonight.

Gone out? Do you know where?

She invited many parties.

Very popular, I think.

Look very pretty, by Jiminy.

- Look beautiful.
- Oh?

You been gone out tonight, too?

You have lady friend too, ja?

No, I been sit home alone.

Friendless, hungry.
There's nothing to eat in the house.

- Good!
- What?

I think I hang up now.

"Gone out."
"Look beautiful."

As far as she's concerned,
I could starve to death.

There must be something
to eat in this house.

Soap.

Dandy. For dogs.

Wheat flour, whole milk,
soybean meal, dried fish.

Hmm!

Sorry, Charlie.

Mmm. Candy.
Not good for little dogs, Charlie.

Trick or treat, Professor!

Oh, I'm sorry fellas.
There's just not a thing in the house.

Trick or treat.

Except these chocolates.

They look stale.

Yes, they do look
a little stale, don't they?

- I'll tell you, if you don't want them...
- Yes, we do.

Hey, that's some crazy radiator cap
the professor's got there.

Yeah. Guess he's goin' out to make
some field studies with it.

As a matter of fact, I thought I might
go out tonight after dinner.

Hi, Prof. By the way,
have you fellas eaten?

No!

Well, science marches on, but
not on an empty stomach, huh?

Why don't we go out
and have a nice, hot dinner?

- Great! I'm starving.
- Yeah!

Does anybody have any money?

Oh, I'm sorry, Prof,
but the hot water bottles didn't work,

and we had to blow
every cent we had on the scuba suit.

God, I wish we were invited to one of
those Halloween parties around here.

I bet they got lots of eats.

Wait a minute! I was invited to
a Halloween party at Desiree's house.

Now, let's see. Help me get that
old trunk off of the shelf, huh?

But how 'bout Humph and me?

Don't you worry.
We're all going to get something to eat.

Open that side.

Now I'll go in first, and then you fellas
come along later and ring the doorbell.

We'll arrange some kind of a signal.

And then... Here's my old coonskin coat.

My old hat.

Just a little something
in case I get hungry later.

Yes, sir.

Two longs and a short. That's it.

Oh, pardon me. I'll get it.

- Boo!
- Well, a couple of ghosts!

Trick or treat!

Well, we don't want any tricks
around here, do we?

- Here's some nice popcorn.
- Oh, boy! Popcorn!

- Potato chips.
- I like potato chips!

- And some chicken.
- Chicken! I want a drumstick.

Well, Brainard. Aren't you going to ask
the little folk to step inside?

- Come on, kiddies.
- Jiggers!

Well! How do you like those big lugs
pretending they're children?

I'll go and have a talk with them.

Nuzzie! So nice that
you could get here.

There's a tub of martinis in here,
and everybody's bobbing for olives.

It's just terrific that you
brought your saxophone.

Oh, well...

Boys, I'd like you to meet
the finest saxophone player

in the history of Medfield High School.

- Well, I wouldn't say that.
- You were, too! Now go on, Nuzzie. Play.

Well, I don't think I'd better.

Come on, lover, join right in.
It'll be just like old times.

Well, if you fellas don't mind.

The same sweet clown. I'm so glad
to see that girl hasn't changed you.

I don't know whether
I should have come.

Nonsense, my dear.
A bit of gaiety will do you good.

- Good evening.
- Good evening, sir.

- Good evening, madam.
- I feel guilty about Ned.

He's so helpless all by himself.

Excuse me, my dear.
Hello, Frederick.

- May I take your coat, madam?
- Oh, yes. Thank you.

- Betsy! So nice to see you.
- Excuse me, please!

How lovely you are when you're angry.
Is anything the matter?

Betsy! What in the world
are you doing here?

I might ask the same thing of you.
In fact, I think I will.

Here I was feeling sorry for you

because I thought you were home
alone and hungry.

Well, I was. But there is an instinct
called self-preservation, you know.

Under certain conditions
even the lowest form

of animal life will go searching for food.

Very aptly put.

Look, Neptune,
why don't you just submerge?

Ned, there is no reason
for any of that. I'm leaving!

Betsy, I want to talk to you.

There is nothing for you and me
to say to one another!

Shelby, would you
take me home, please?

You see, Brainard, you've already
spoiled the party for her.

- Now why don't you leave Betsy alone?
- Ashton, if you don't stay out of this...

I will not have
you two fighting over me!

Why, Betsy!
What a perfectly darling costume!

Some kind of a peasant, aren't you?

Good night, Nuzzie.

- Wait, Betsy...
- Come on, Nuzzie. Back to the party.

- Wait, Mary Lee...
- Come on, darlin'.

Normally, I'm the last person in the world
to intrude upon a person's private life,

but when you love someone,
as I do...

Thank you
for bringing me home, Shelby.

Simply because of a headstrong,

impetuous marriage to a man not fit
to touch the hem of your skirt.

Betsy, I forgive you for what
you did to me, but...

Oh, Shelby. I didn't want to hurt you.

No, it's all right.

As the poet says,
"The hurt is not so deep as a well,

"nor so wide as a church door,

"but 'tis enough, 'twill serve."

I'm sorry, Shelby. Good night.

I'll ring you first thing
in the morning!

Okay, Charlie.
Battle stations.

I need a guinea pig for this experiment,
and I know just the pig.

Brainard!

Ahhh!

Oh, say, Captain, we want to thank you
again for this new prowl car.

Don't worry, Captain. This is one car
we're really gonna take care of.

Aww.

- What is it?
- I've got just the faintest ghost

of an idea.

I'm terribly sorry, Professor,

but did our brand-new
patrol car get in your way?

Officer!
It isn't my fault!

It's that fiend, Brainard!

He's up there, somewhere!
Get him! Find him!

Do something!

J‘ Though April showers
may come your way J‘

They bring the flowers
ladadadee

Good morning, boys.
You're up early this morning.

Bright and early, Professor.

Mr. Hawk!
What are you doing here?

Spreading sunshine, bringing cheer
and good tidings to my fellow man.

Uh, may I take
the liberty, Professor?

Now, as you can see,
this is a map of our fair community.

What about it?

On Thursday pm. this week,
a peculiar thing happened in Medfield.

Plate glass in stores,
automobile windshields,

bottles, clock faces, glass of every kind
and description

began to break and shatter in various
portions of our community.

This in turn brought mental anguish
and sorrow to the owners,

more especially to the Auld Lang Syne
Insurance Company,

which was left holding the bag
for all the damages.

But what has all this
got to do with me?

As president of Auld Lang Syne, I was
naturally interested in this phenomenon,

so I made up a kind of a war map
of the damaged areas.

As you see,
they formed a pattern,

a sort of cone-shaped pattern
of devastation,

as though some unseen force
had fanned out

from one beginning point,

at a place on the corner
of Maple and Litchfield.

Now, I may be wrong, Professor,

but isn't that the precise point on which
I'm standing at this very moment?

That's right. I heard something
about the breaking glass,

but I had no idea
I could have been responsible.

Professor, I have suffered damages

amounting to tens of thousands
of dollars because of you.

I could have you dragged off
to jail and left there.

But outside of making me feel good
all over, what would it get me?

No, the point is, I'm not sore at you
at all, Professor.

As a matter of fact, I take my hat
off to you.

Yes, sir, I think you've really
got something here

in this glass-breaking gizmo.

Why, it's pure genius.

While everybody else is busy making
things, you come up with the answer.

You come up with something
that breaks things!

But that wasn't the idea.

Okay, Brainard.
You've done your part of it.

Now, as your partner,
here's how we go about it.

Very quietly, we buy up
a lot of glass company stock,

slowly, so that nobody catches on.

Then suddenly, all over the country,
all over the world,

zingo!
Glass begins to break.

We replace it with new glass.
It breaks. We'll clean up!

Mr. Hawk, you don't
seem to understand. I...

How about that United Nations building
in New York?

How about all that glass, huh?
And stained glass.

Maybe we could organize
a quiet little corporation

that does nothing
but break church glass.

Well, what's the matter, Brainard?

You don't think you're gonna
freeze me out of this thing

like you did out of flubber, do you?

Your friend, Mr. Hawk,
isn't gonna be standing

with a balloon in his hand watching
the parade go by this time.

Mr. Hawk, you don't
for one minute think

I'd go along with a scheme
like that, do you?

Well, what are you acting
so high and mighty about?

You invented this glass-breaker,
didn't you?

The glass-breaking was an unfortunate
side effect of my cloud experiment.

In trying to reach the cloud
with my weather gun

there must have been an overload
of electronic excitation,

which set up an in-harmonic
saw-tooth oscillation

and imparted a tremor to the gas.

Now, this was intercepted by the glass,
which is, of course,

an amorphous super-fluid
in a temporary state of rigidity.

And I guess the resulting strain
was just a little too much.

Yeah. Look, Professor, why don't you
just settle for what you got here?

With the money from this thing
we'll both get fat.

And there'll be enough left over for you
to take care of the Medfield problem.

Well, that's what you want to do, isn't it?
Save Medfield College?

That kind of money would never help
Medfield College

or anyone else, Mr. Hawk.

Well, you know what you're doing,
don't you?

You'll go to jail
for what you did to me!

And before this day is over
I'll be back here with the sheriff.

And we'll have this place tied up
tighter than Fort Knox!

With all your work
and all your experiments!

Good day, Mr. Hawk.

And as for Medfield,
a year from now,

people will have forgotten there ever was
such a punk little college.

You wanna bet?

- Oh. Hi, Pop, what are you doing here?
- Out of the way, son.

Hey, Pop, I thought I'd mention it.
You're a little overdue on my allowance.

Allowance!

Why, I'm just liable to send you off
to jail with this criminal here,

as a fellow conspirator,

a partner in crime!

Why, if you weren't deductible,
I'd disown you!

- What was that all about?
- Come on, fellas.

Let's get to work on
that football suit of yours.

Professor, you mean
you're gonna help us?

Maybe the college
won't be here next year,

but we're going to see
that nobody ever forgets it.

Yahoo! Come on, Humph!
Let's hustle into it!

But, Biff, about my idea!
You promised!

Will you forget about that?
The Professor's with us now!

The first team's coming into the game!

We're gonna have the suit in no time.

Biff, Biff.
Let's take it easy for a minute.

Now, your basic idea is fine.

I just think there might be a more
effective way of using it.

That's what I've been trying to tell him.

Forget the suit.
Put the flubber gas in the football!

Boy, just think, 70-yard kicks,
90-yard passes!

Humph, what is the matter with you?
Are you cracking up?

Our team can't even
hold onto the ball now.

Now, what would happen if we
hopped it up with flubber gas?

Biff is right.

We must never lose possession of it.

So, we never throw just the ball,
we throw the player with the ball.

- Right! We throw a player?
- That's right.

Look, Professor,
couldn't we put the gas in the football?

- You know, forget the suit?
- Humphrey, it's just simple logic.

With the flubber gas we make you
quasi-weightless, or buoyant,

and then we throw you with the ball.

- You do?
- Yes! Don't you see the beauty of it?

Even if they intercept, we still have
possession of the ball. Right?

.
- Right! - Right, Humphrey?

- Uh, right.
- Well, good. Let's go to work!

Poor old Medfield!
See them run!

Come on, Rutland! Mow them down!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we
are in the little community of Medfield.

Say what you will
about their football team,

at least the weather here is good.

A clear, crisp, moonlight night,
not a cloud in the sky.

As for what has been optimistically
advertised as a football game,

I'm afraid we can't promise you much.

Mighty Rutland University, untied,

unscored upon
for the past three seasons,

knocking at the door
of the national championship

pitted tonight against puny Medfield.

Oh! Here comes Rutland on the field.

They've chickened out,
both of them.

- Wait'll I get my hands on those two!
- Coach! Coach!

- I got a note for you.
- Oh, good, good.

"Dear coach, Humphrey and I will be
a little late for the game tonight,

"so go ahead without us.

"We're getting
a secret weapon ready.

"You'll be proud of us
when you see what it is.

"Best wishes, Biff Hawk."

- Oh, no. Coach. Steady. Steady.
- Best wishes? Best wishes! Oh!

And at fullback position for
Rutland, Hjalmar Woccskyinska,

a 240-pound husky
from Broken Jaw, Idaho.

Back home
during his summer vacations,

Hjalmar runs
a training school for prison guards.

And that completes
the starting lineup for Rutland.

How would you like to be
in little Medfield's shoes,

and square off against that array
of giants, huh, friends?

Oh, here comes Medfield.

Well, here come
the lambs to the slaughter.

Jeffrey, I just don't see
why you had to come.

You know how this game is
going to upset you.

My dear, when a ship is sinking,
the captain remains at his post.

Come on, Medfield!
Eat 'em alive!

Second quarter,
Rutland's ball, first and ten.

Ready, set.
Hut one! Hut two!

Hut three! Hut four!

Down to
the 30, the 20, the 10, and

over for another
Rutland touchdown.

Yeah, there goes another one.

I can't understand
what's happened to Biff.

He went to get that vulcanizing kit
over an hour ago.

Sir, we're never gonna get
this thing ready in time.

- If you'd just reconsider my idea.
- What's that, Humphrey?

- Well, this. There's flubber gas in here.
- What's it for?

Well, so I don't have
to wear this suit.

Instead, we give the good ole football a
shot of gas, and then zzshhhh!

- Humphrey. Humphrey...
- Boy, just think. 70-yard passes...

- Humphrey.
-80-yard punts!

-90-yard field goals!
- Wait a minute now.

We've been through all that.

Don't you understand, Humphrey?

You don't have
a thing to worry about now.

With this new valve you have perfect
buoyancy control at all times.

Professor! Come on.
We gotta get out of here.

- What's wrong, Biff?
- My father.

I was just over
at Higgins' Super Mercantile store

getting this vulcanizing kit.

Pop walked in to get the sheriff who was
his dinner there,

and I overheard them talking.

Then they went over
to Judge Murdock's.

And professor,
they've got a warrant for you,

and they're coming over here
to throw you in jail.

Well, you're right.
We'd better get out of here.

We'll have to fix the suit
in the locker room.

Open the doors, Biff.

Look out!

Back out, you idiot!
He's getting away!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid it's
going just the way we predicted.

Mighty Rutland is shredding
the little Medfield team to bits.

As we go into the closing minutes
of the third quarter,

the score, Rutland 28,
Medfield, nothing.

Well, he must be here someplace.

You two get the rest of the boys
and spread out!

"Aye, tear her tattered ensign down,
long has it waved on high."

Look, I don't mind losing
the football game, Professor Ashton,

but spare us
your garbled quotations.

As you will. You're not expecting
anyone, are you, Betsy?

- Thank you.
- Shelby, wouldn't you rather sit on your

own side of the field? You're winning.

Oh, it's of no consequence, my dear.

Just remember, the next time
you see a football game,

you'll see it from the right side,

the Rutland side.

Pitney returns to take off
to the 21-yard line.

Time out for Medfield.

- It's a massacre, coach.
- Yeah, ain't it a shame.

We should have brought along
the girls' volleyball team.

We could have sent them in.

Okay.
Any volunteers?

Hold it, coach! We're here.
Everything's okay, sir.

The secret weapon is primed
and ready to fire.

Where've you been, Hawk?

And what's all this static
about a secret weapon?

This is it, sir.

- You're the secret weapon?
- Yes, sir.

It's not fair.

- It's not fair.
- Come on, boy.

Let's mop up the field with 'em.

Hawk and Humphrey
coming in for Medfield.

Medfield's ball, first and ten
on their 21-yard line.

Humph, give it the gas.

Ready?
Break!

Down! Hut!
Hut two! Hike!

Way to go, Humphrey!
Touchdown! Come on!

All right, you first string, get back
in there! And forget your manners!

And there goes the try
for the extra point.

It's good.

The score, Rutland 37,
Medfield 7.

I tell you, that Medfield touchdown
was certainly a surprise.

To recap, Humphrey,
the Medfield tailback,

received the ball,
then he, uh...

George, what kind of play
would you say that was?

Uh...

Rutland returns the kickoff
to Medfield's 45-yard line.

Now we'll see what happens.

For my money, folks, I think little
Medfield's gonna be awfully sorry

they made that accidental touchdown.

Those Rutland boys are like
a bunch of hungry tigers.

Ready, set!

Hut one! Hut two!
Hut three! Hut four!

What happened to you
on that play, stupid?

What happened to me?
What happened to you, clod?

Well, now. Let's see
what happened that time.

As I make it out,
Rutland had just started one of its

famous razzle-dazzle plays,
when, uh...

Did you see how that
happened there, George?

Uh, well, it...

Olson returns the ball
to Rutland's 38-yard line.

Hut one! Hut two!

- Here he comes!
- Catch him!

Humphrey knocked
out of bounds over

the Medfield 49-yard line.

- Upsy-daisy!
- Have a good trip, Humph!

Out! Get him away from me!

Medfield ball,
first and ten.

Down! Hut one!

Oof!

I don't know what it is,
but there's somethin' crooked

- going on here.
- Okay. Here's a rule book.

You think there's somethin' wrong?
You find it!

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
I guess you know by now,

we are witnessing one of the wildest,
slam-bang football games

ever played anywhere at any time.

Tiny Medfield College,
led by captain Biff Hawk,

and a high-stepping back
named Humphrey,

has turned a rout into a battle of titans.

And, oh!
There's the kickoff!

It arches through the air
down to the Rutland 25...

Rutland fumbles!
Medfield's got the ball again.

Looks like mighty Rutland's
beginning to feel the pressure.

Medfield's ball,
first and ten.

Hut one! Hut two! Hike!

The ball is snapped
to Humphrey.

He fakes a handoff
to the wingback.

Humphrey still has the ball.

Now Hawk has Humphrey.

Rule seven, section 30...

Get off the playin' field.

I got myself a football game
goin' on out here!

- Why, you...
- Wait a minute, coach.

Take it easy, huh?

Well, it's a race
against time now.

Medfield trails Rutland
by nine points.

With less than
four minutes left to play,

the big question is can Rutland stop
Medfield's brilliant aerial attack?

Oh, it looks as if Rutland may
have something up their sleeve.

Medfield ball,
first and ten.

I've never seen 'em use
this kind of defense before.

Down! Hut one!
Hut two! Hike!

Now!

Wait a minute! Are you gonna
let them get away with that?

What are you kickin' about?
That's a legal tackle, ain't it?

Now, remember, you guys,
the old lady with a twist on two.

Ready? Break!

- The same thing again.
- Down!

Hut one! Hike!

No! No!
The other way!

Looks like the old Statue of Liberty play.
Right, George?

Medfield scores.

The clock is ticking away
the last minutes of the game.

Medfield takes over the ball again.

Ready? Break!

You look kinda flabby, Humph.
Better gas up a little.

Down! Hut one!
Hut two! Hike!

Biff!

Biff!

Biff! Biff!

It's Hawk with Humphrey.

He's down to the 20,
the 15, the ten, the five...

He's back to the ten,
the 15, the 20...

Biff!

Medfield calls time out.

And that looks like
the end of the line for Medfield.

They're back on their own two yard line
with eight seconds left to play.

The score, Rutland 37, Medfield 35.

Well, Humph, I guess we've had it.
Anyway, we tried.

Well, if you'd just let me use my needle,
we'd have won easy.

Well, it isn't doing us
any good back at the lab.

Well, like I said,
I never did trust this crummy suit.

Humph!

There may be time for one more play.

Medfield lining up
for a field goal attempt.

They're gonna try a field goal from here?

It looks as though Medfield is going to
attempt a 98-yard field goal.

Repeat, 98 yards. Ridiculous.

The poor lads must be
cracking under the strain.

Hike!

Too bad. Medfield just made
a final, desperate effort to...

Wait a minute.
It's gaining altitude.

And there goes the final gun
as the game ends and Medfield wins.

The ball, the ball is still going up...

Up... Up...

Out of the stadium!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I think it's going into orbit.

George.
George, did ya see that?

We won! We... Ooh! Ooh!

Get him! Get him!
Get him! Get him!

Oh, shut up!

Well, the trial of Professor Ned Brainard
swung into its third day today.

Against advice to the contrary,

Professor Brainard continued
to act as counsel in his own behalf

He was quoted as saying he was
confident in the due processes of law.

Despite the growing tide
of testimony against him,

as the prosecution kept
a steady parade of witnesses

moving through the witness box,

today, the prosecution unlimbered
its big guns against the defense.

Professor Brainard,
you seem proud of your job as a teacher.

Do you like it because you believe
it makes you important?

Well, not me personally.
But I believe the work I do is important.

In what way?
Would you care to tell us a little about it?

It gives me the opportunity to help
young people, to stir them up,

to make them restless,
to make them think.

Maybe plant a bug of discovery
in their minds, or...

- And you think that's important?
- Of course it's important!

One of those young people
might discover something

the entire world has been looking for.

He might not, but I like to feel that
I had a part in giving him a crack at it.

I see.

Now, regardless of whether
you are found guilty or not,

I ask you to consider
this question very carefully.

Would you hope to
return to your classroom?

Would you continue as before?

Would you recklessly incite the
young minds of your class again?

To inspire them to such experiments

as that which bombarded
our skies with powerful rays?

Rays which expose all of us
to unknown peril?

I put the question to you
again, Professor,

and I ask you
to mark well your answer.

Would you still persist in these
dangerous and malicious follies?

Well, that question is
a little difficult to answer.

Well, Professor?

- Mr. Prosecutor, may I say something?
- Go ahead, Professor.

I'm sure we'd all be interested
in hearing your views.

- Looks like he's gonna crawfish.
- Well, it seems to me that a lot of people

are going around these days
selling fear.

All kinds of fear.
Fear of bombs, bugs, smog,

surpluses, fallout, falling hair,

even fear of Mr. Hawk.

We find ourself apologizing,

hiding our heads,
or jumping at shadows.

I can remember when Groundhog Day
only came once a year in this country.

Now, I see a lot of students from
my science class here in the courtroom.

They may not be the most studious
group of young people in college today,

but I'll say this for them,
so far they are unafraid.

They have good will, enthusiasm,

and an infinite capacity
for making mistakes.

I have high hopes for them.

Am I to understand, Professor,

you actually encourage
mistakes in your class?

Mr. Prosecutor,

the road to genius is paved
with fumble-footing and bumbling.

Anyone who falls flat on his face
is at least moving

in the right direction, forward.

And the fellow who makes
the most mistakes

may be the one who will save the neck
of the whole world someday.

Now, may I ask again,
and will you answer clearly,

for the benefit
of the court and the jury,

most of whom are parents.

Suppose you are returned
to your role as a teacher,

would you do exactly as you did before?

Yes. I would do exactly as I did before.

Order! Order, please.

Order!

Another such outburst and the bailiff
will clear the court.

That is all.
You may step down.

Come on. Let's tie this thing up
and get out of here.

- Are you sure?
- Stall for time.

15 or 20 minutes should do it.

Professor, you may
call your first witness.

- No witnesses, Your Honor.
- In that case, I will sum up briefly.

Sit down.

Is it true, Professor, that you have
provided no witnesses in your behalf?

- No, I haven't, Your Honor.
- May I suggest, Professor,

as defense counsel, you're not doing
much in your own behalf.

I'm a witness for the defense,
Your Honor.

Splendid.

- I object!
- I object too!

Both objections overruled.

But, Your Honor,
this is most unusual procedure.

It is also unusual procedure
for the defense to have

no witnesses in his own behalf.

Swear in the witness, please.

I merely hoped to save
the court's valuable time.

My time is your time,
Mr. Prosecutor.

Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth
and nothing but the truth?

- I do.
- State your name.

Elizabeth Brainard.

- Will the defense question the witness?
- No, Your Honor.

Very well. Will you kindly tell
your story in your own words?

Well, uh...

As I was saying,
my name is Elizabeth Brainard.

Occupation, housewife.

I first met the defendant
at Medfield College

where I was employed as a secretary.

He scratched my fender
in the parking lot just outside

the administration building.

And I fell hopelessly in love.

Your Honor, I don't see what
the testimony of this witness can...

On October 30th of this year,

I became involved in an argument
with the defendant.

I told him I didn't think I was cut out
to be a scientist's wife.

Well, I'd like to inform the defendant
at this time that I was wrong.

Whether he happens to be a scientist
or an Arctic explorer...

Or a headhunter, or anything else,

I'm cut out to be only one thing, his wife.

I love him.

- Betsy, do you mean that?
- Of course, she means it.

The witness is under oath
to tell the truth,

the whole truth
and nothing but the truth.

- Oh, Betsy.
- Your Honor, I would like to inquire,

is this a court of law
or a lonely hearts club?

The witness has been instructed to
tell her own story in her own way.

Please sit down.

Your Honor, will you excuse
the witness at this time?

Uh, will Your Honor also tell the
defense counsel to please sit down?

The defense counsel
is so instructed.

Why are we looking up
at that clock all the time?

How should I know?

Sit down.

Well, then I went
to Finney's to buy

this darling midnight blue dress
that was on sale.

The defendant always said
he loved me in midnight blue.

Your Honor, what does all this
foofaraw about a blue dress

have to do with the case?

Uh, Mrs. Brainard,
does all this, uh, foofaraw

have any bearing on
the disposition of the case?

- You bet, Your Honor.
- I don't believe it.

The prosecution will have
an opportunity to cross-examine.

That is, if you don't mind
wasting the time.

Gangway! Hey, gangway.
Gangway, everybody! Gangway!

- Ooh!
- Gangway!

- Excuse me, please.
- Uh, but, Mrs. Brainard, please...

Professor Brainard...

I don't wish to pry,

but would you kindly
divulge your intentions?

The court is waiting.

I'm sorry, Your Honor. May I ask that this
witness be recalled to testify for me?

- Very well.
- Objection!

Your Honor, the case is
ready for summation.

Must we subject ourselves to irrelevant
testimony trumped up by the defense?

The witness is qualified.

If I recall, he testified in behalf
of the prosecution two days ago.

But Your Honor...

Do you wish to challenge
the integrity of your own witness?

Down, down!

- Now, sir, we know who you are.
- Oh, yes. I'm A.J. Allen.

I'm the county agricultural agent,
that's who I am.

Now, Mr. Allen, day before yesterday,
you testified

that the rays with which I bombarded
the atmosphere seemed to have

a peculiar effect on the flowers, crops,
and vegetation and so forth around here.

- Is that right?
- Oh, yes, yes. I said that. I certainly did.

And you were very upset.

Oh, I was extremely upset, yes.

So much so that you decided to
investigate the matter thoroughly.

Oh, certainly.
I'm dedicated to my work, you know.

And you've come here today to make
a complete report on your findings.

Well, I didn't come here
to toast marshmallows, you know.

No. Now, Mr. Allen...
First, would you mind telling us about

the soil conditions here
in Medfield County?

Well, it's no secret, goodness knows.

Medfield County has the thinnest,
rockiest, wore-out, farmed-out,

pooped-out soil in the whole state.

It's pitiful!

I've been so ashamed.

It's not much good for growing things.

Growing things?

Professor, you want me
to show you something?

Wait, I'll show you something.
Wait a minute.

Do you know what that poor thing is?
That is an ear of corn.

That's what we've been
growing around here.

Do you mind watching that, Your Honor?

Growing things!
My goodness!

That's a radish.
A radish!

You wouldn't get a respectable burp
out of a dozen of 'em.

If you want to see something
really miserable...

I have a rutabaga here someplace...

I know I had it when I left home.
Somebody put...

The rutabaga. Where's the rutabaga?
It's around here somewhere...

Uh, that's fine,
Mr. Allen. Thank you.

Now, would you tell us,
have you noticed any change recently?

Have I noticed any change?

Why, Professor,
you don't know what's going on!

All over Medfield County,
things are growing up like crazy!

Why, everywhere I look,
everything is suddenly all fertiled up!

Mr. Allen, would you say it might have
something to do with what

the prosecutor has been calling
"Flubber Fallout"?

Oh, I don't...
He can call it anything he wants.

Personally, Professor,

I think that you've invented...

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

You might call it "dry rain."

- Dry what?
- Dry rain.

I just thought of it just this minute.

That's exactly what it is.

I don't believe I've ever
heard of dry rain.

Is it anything like taking a dry bath,

or going for a dry canoe ride?

No, no.

Actually, it's more like guzzling
a dry martini, you know.

It's very stimulating.

You see, Professor Brainard's rays
must have combined

with massive amounts
of nitrogen out in the atmosphere, see?

And it came "shoomping" right down
in front of our eyes, but we never saw it.

Why, for all we know, it might be
dry-raining right down in this courtroom

this very minute,
fertilizing everything in sight!

You can't tell, you know.

Do you expect this court to believe
all this mumbo jumbo?

Can you substantiate it?

Oh, my goodness!

I thought he'd never ask me!

Boys, bring in the substantiation,

- will you, please?
- Yes, sir!

Come on! Bring it in!

That's right, boys!
Just put it up there on the bench!

Look at those carrots, judge!
I tell you, a rabbit couldn't...

- Boys! Boys!
- Order!

Don't push! Keep it dignified!

Well, don't just sit there.
Do something!

Your wife says
to get home right away.

A summer squash just rolled off the vine
next door and smashed your sports car!

The jurors will please
sit down! Order!

Thank you very, very,
very much, judge.

You should try some of this walnut.
It's off my own tree, you know.

- That's a walnut?
- Oh, yes, yes.

Your honor, this is outrageous!
I leave it to you...

Smart move.
Case dismissed.

That isn't what I meant!

Come on, pop.
Don't take it so hard.

I'm not crying, you blasted nitwit!
It's these onions!

Of course, I don't have
anything against science, mind you.

As a matter of fact,
I'm crazy about it, but...

Betsy.

Offhand, can you name one thing that
science hasn't improved upon,

one way or another?

- Offhand, I think I can.
- All right, what?

Oh!

I guess I'll have
to go along with that.